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When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Birds Of The Same Roster

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Sonnie: Hey David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing?

Sonnie: I’m fine. I was one of the guys on my wife’s roster before we developed feelings for each other and got married. I had an active roster of my own but I had to drop everyone else on the list to focus on my wife. We’ve been married for three years and I think she’s started to chat with some of the guys she used to play with.

DBM: What is a roster, in this context?

Sonnie: When you date multiple people at once.

DBM: To/with the knowledge of the others?

Sonnie: Not always. The others don’t have to know because it’s a non-committal encounter.

DBM: Describe the roster you used to keep. I’m still trying to understand the subject.

Sonnie: I had a lot of time on my hands when I was a single man, so I had about four ladies circulating on mine. My wife for instance fucked with me only on Saturdays, because her weekdays were booked with other men she fucked with.

DBM: Is the roster centered only on sex?

Sonnie: Most of the times, but some go on light dates or are plus-ones for specific occasions before getting laid at the end of the day. Some are added for their exceptional, homey qualities to benefit us. For instance, I rotated girls who were good at cooking, cleaning or their laundry skills, before or after some hot quickies etc.

DBM: Oh, I get it. Like what those boys on Facebook are doing under the pretext of giving girls a soft-life?

Sonnie: Something like that.

DBM: So, you knew about your wife’s roster?

Sonnie: She told me about it

DBM: And, you were okay with it?

Sonnie: I wasn’t but I respected the fact that she told me about it.

DBM: Why weren’t you comfortable with it?

Sonnie: Because I wanted to pursue an exclusive relationship with her but she wasn’t sure she could get everything she was looking for in one man.

DBM: What was she looking for in her men?

Sonnie: I don’t know. I never asked

DBM: Not even before you married?

Sonnie: No. I didn’t want to know

DBM: Why didn’t you want to know?

Sonnie: It would have upset me.

DBM: But you were rotating other females too, no?

Sonnie: I was, though mine was mainly a mechanism to survive. Hers was for the sex and fun it added to her dating life.

DBM: Both of you seemed to have enjoyed the Kool-Aid, no?

Sonnie: It was fun till it wasn’t. I wanted to settle down and she was the lady on my list I had fallen in love with.

DBM: Was she in love with you?

Sonnie: She said she was but I knew she wasn’t too keen on being bound to just one guy. Also, she got pregnant with our son.

DBM: While rotating on each other’s rosters?

Sonnie: Yes.

DBM: How do you know he’s your son?

Sonnie: A DNA test proved it. She was the only woman I was having unprotected sex with.

DBM: Were you the only guy she was engaging in unprotected sex with?

Sonnie: I should think so.

DBM: Okay, you do not know then?

Sonnie: No. Do you think I should let her know I disapprove of her conversations with the guy?

DBM: How old are you?

Sonnie: 42

DBM: How old is your wife?

Sonnie: 38

DBM: I think your wife, once in a while, may re-visit her past life. I feel you may also end up doing same, if not already.

Sonnie: I’ve been faithful to her since we got married.

DBM: Good to know however, the lifestyles you two exposed yourselves to, I think expanded your relationships with your individual selves to a whole new path to self-discovery. You cannot be the only one fulfilling every single good moment or feeling in your wife’s life that other men on her roster used to satisfy. Her body is used to different kinds of pleasures she’s explored and enjoyed with different male figures. I don’t think you can be that all-in-one package to satisfy all of her needs.

Sonnie: But she satisfies mine.

DBM: Are you sure about that?

Sonnie: You don’t think people can change for the better?

DBM: Anybody can change.

Sonnie: I have changed

DBM: She might have also changed for three years but the capability to become her past self is still a possibility. You need to come to terms with that. Have you tried couples therapy?

Sonnie: No. I don’t like inviting a third wheel in my personal issues.

DBM: You don’t always have to be doing any and everything to keep a man or woman who isn’t that much into you. You will make yourselves miserable in the end.

Sonnie: But I’m invested in my marriage. We have a child together

DBM: You cannot make a person fit into your preferred narrative.

Sonnie: I love my wife, Dave.

DBM: You can love a person, that’s understandable. But you don’t have to love them in your house, or life. Or even through a marriage. You can love someone genuinely and still stop being with them.

Sonnie: You think she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

DBM: That’s a question you have to ask your wife.

Sonnie: Are you free today? I want to suggest to my wife to have a chat with you. I want to know what’s going through her mind.

DBM: It’s a holiday today, and so I am home the entire day.

Image Credit: Carlos de Jesus 

I Wanna Stand Over There

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paisleigh: Dave, it’s February. Can we chat? I’ve been messaging you since September

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Paisleigh: Am fine. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paisleigh: I have a 24-year-old daughter who wants to get married this year. I’ve been a little grumpy about her decision because I know she’s not ready for what she’s about to jump into. I’ve not been able to congratulate or be happy for her because I am against her decision to marry so young. And because of that she wants me to introduce her to her father’s family. I raised my baby girl as a single parent. Her father has not been a part of our lives since I got pregnant with her. He does not even know I got pregnant with his child.

DBM: Is her father alive?

Paisleigh: Yes

DBM: Do you want to introduce her to him?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: Why not?

Paisleigh: She came about as a result of rape.

DBM: I’m sorry about that

Paisleigh: I have tried to keep the conversation about her dad out of our talks because she may end up eventually hating him.

DBM: Or, forgiving him. People change, you know?

Paisleigh: Yes.

DBM: Do you want her to know him?

Paisleigh: No. I do not trust him.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing what actually happened between you two, prior to the assault?

Paisleigh: I was questioning my identity at a very young age. 14, maybe 15 years old. Even at that age, I knew I couldn’t see myself pursuing a relationship with a boy even if I liked one. Boys had had crushes on me but I couldn’t crush on any of them that I liked as friends. Rather, I found our class prefect Mina attractive. I also liked Akua Forson, and Maame Serwaa. Dave, these are real people I schooled with and are now doing so well in life. It was a struggle to express my feelings openly, so I had to repress it somehow. I can’t remember what really happened but something happened for me to be enrolled in a camp retreat for 9 days during one of our school vacations. There were a lot of teenagers at the camp. One of the leaders or organizers of the camp who registered me upon my arrival was talking to my mother, and I don’t know what discussions they had had till date; but he showed special interest in my spiritual growth at the retreat. He seemed harmless and his tactics were insidious. He forced himself into becoming my spiritual mentor and ended up assaulting me sexually a day before the retreat ended. He also told me my mother had informed him about my interest in girls and he felt I was truly broken on the inside, that he had to teach me what it felt like to have interests in boys.

DBM: Did you report him to your mother or any of the leadership at the camp?

Paisleigh: No. I was disappointed and mad at myself. And I believed him when he said I was a broken piece. I was also mad at my mother for setting me up to this.

DBM: Predators pick on children they know are the least likely to tell on them.

Paisleigh: You’re right. I was the shy girl, very quiet and secretive. My mother trusted and was depending on him because he was the Christian adult at the retreat.

DBM: How old do you think he was?

Paisleigh: Not sure. 29 or in his early 30’s. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my parents were insisting to know who was responsible. I was beaten by my mom and threatened by my dad but I kept his name to myself.

DBM: Your mother was not able to watch for signs you directly or indirectly showed at home after the camp?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: That is rather unfortunate. They were wrong for what they did to you. As a parent, beating an already severely traumatized child is really some next level shit.

Paisleigh: I know but I also blame myself. I shouldn’t have paid any attention to what I felt for girls.

DBM: I do not believe any girl or boy should be conditioned to our culture’s misogynistic and heteronormative attitude of always encouraging people to place their value on their capability to just being straight with their desires. It’s not every boy that is attracted to a girl. It’s not every girl that is attracted to a boy. Some boys desire boys. Some girls find girls attractive.

Paisleigh: Hmmm

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your daughter.

Paisleigh: Yes. My biggest fear is that she would gravitate more to her father’s love and acceptance of her and may no longer need me.

DBM: What makes you think that?

Paisleigh: The man is doing very well for himself. He is a big shot preacher with a big church and following in Accra. He has a beautiful family and my daughter may be drawn to the glitter.

DBM: As parents, we are indirectly expected to model to our children how to approach life and relationships. We are to teach them how to express and receive love; teach them how to process feelings of all sorts and how best they can handle disagreements. Do you think you have modeled that for her these past 24 years?

Paisleigh: I have tried. Yes

DBM: Good! It’s her father’s turn to shape and color the lens through which she’s going to see and make meaning of life. She’s deserving of that relationship with him.

Paisleigh: Without her knowing the genesis of her birth?

DBM: That is solely to your discretion but I would have told her about the camp-retreat story, and what he did to me. That is the context she needs right now to shape her conscious and unconscious perceptions about what she’s seeking in a father.

Paisleigh: Ok

DBM: I hope your daughter knows how phenomenal a mother you have been to her

Paisleigh: Hmmm

Image Credit: Tubarones Photography

Let’s Talk To Emmett

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 139: Emmett

DBM: Hello Emmett. How would you describe yourself?

Emmett: Competent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emmett: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emmett: I did not show up at my own wedding. I hadn’t planned to do this but it happened, and a part of me till this day regret what I did to my woman and her family. Even my own family. It’s been 10 months since it happened and I want to get married to my fiancée all over again. I made a bad call and have apologized to her, but her family is not willing to let go.

DBM: Your fiancée has forgiven you?

Emmett: Not really but she’s admitted to still being in love with me

DBM: Why did you not show at your wedding?

Emmett: It’s a long story

DBM: I have time

Emmett: She had dated my cousin prior to us meeting. I found out about it the morning of our wedding. My cousin’s girlfriend had come across a conversation between them and it seemed like my cousin still is into her. She sent me screenshots and I blew the whole issue out of proportion. I should have confronted my woman but … Also, I considered going ahead with the wedding and then, divorcing her the next day or just sticking it out. But I couldn’t control my anger and tears. I asked my Best Man on our way to the church to pull over just so I could cry. I couldn’t go ahead with the wedding

DBM: Has she any feelings for your cousin?

Emmett: No

DBM: Why didn’t she tell you about him?

Emmett: She didn’t know we were related until a few days to our wedding

DBM: Do you know why they broke up?

Emmett: He had gotten a different woman pregnant

DBM: Do you trust your girlfriend?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Emmett: Not putting expectations on the one I care about dearly. Not assuming I know all there is to her. Not trying to change her into someone she’s not.

DBM: What was your relationship with her like?

Emmett: It was good, peaceful, committed, with a lot of compromise. We used to forgive each other freely. There was a lot of fun and laughter and happiness. We both made the effort. The feeling was great, energized and motivated by pure intentions. We had sex three times a week, and that made me very happy

DBM: What was your state of mind like, when you asked her to marry you?

Emmett: We had talked about settling down in marriage. We were excited about it and looking forward to making our relationship official. I was in a good place with us and myself, most importantly, when I proposed. I experienced what it meant to be a happy man because of her

DBM: How would you describe her character?

Emmett: She’s a better human being than I am

DBM: Have you spoken to your cousin?

Emmett: I have

DBM: What did he say?

Emmett: He explained why my woman ended things between them

DBM: He’s still into her?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Emmett: He told me, ‘May the better man win her over again’

DBM: Meaning?

Emmett: He’s broken up with his girlfriend to chase after my woman

DBM: Your family, how did they react to your decision?

Emmett: I don’t know how they feel about what happened but my mother still wants me to marry my woman. She believes she’s the one meant for me

DBM: Is she?

Emmett: She’s the woman for me, and the best relationship I’ve ever had. And it’s not because I want her for myself; what we share is about something way bigger; a beautiful life we can create together. Any man to be loved by her should count themselves, lucky

DBM: How did she react after what you did?

Emmett: She did not talk to me for weeks

DBM: Do you understand why her family wants nothing to do with you?

Emmett: Yes, but I will keep apologizing to them till they find it in themselves to forgive me

DBM: How did you two first meet?

Emmett: I met her in court. She had accompanied my client, her friend to her divorce proceeding. The client introduced us after her divorce hearing, and I think was trying to hook me up with her.

DBM: You’re a lawyer?

Emmett: I am

DBM: Can I ask a question or two, unrelated to our chat?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: Do most divorcing clients opt for your services with the intention of keeping their divorce proceedings cordial?

Emmett: Majority of my clients do hope for an amicable process with their spouse. But a large percentage of them come to me tremendously hurt at heart and emotionally triggered. I offer two approaches when it comes to the termination of a marriage, and the client achieving his or her expected results: the HARD way or the EASY way

DBM: To what extent are you willing to go to keep your client satisfied?

Emmett: Clients hire me specifically to do a job. I am therefore, required to legally and ethically do my job to the best of my ability – with just one goal in mind, accomplishing the expectations entrusted by the client.

DBM: If you’re to advise anyone considering a divorce, what would you say to them?

Emmett: What you are considering may be entirely different from what you’d eventually decide to do. Understand the divorce process by talking to people who have been through it; read online to have an idea about it. You need to have money saved to embark on this journey. Be mindful of what you say to the people around you. If you have children, know it’s going to impact them one way or the other. Be certain there is no love left in you for the other party. Divorce is just another phase of life. Life goes on, and you can love again afterwards. Just be patient and kind with yourself. Be interested in knowing how your attorney thinks, be interested in their behavior. You can choose to like or not, your attorney. But you have to trust and be confident in their services.

DBM: Participant 138, Hera, left a question for you: ‘You are being given the chance to make your one wish come true, what would it be?’

Emmett: To marry my fiancée and make peace with her family. She did nothing wrong. I made the decision not to wed because I wasn’t ready to forgive or know the truth. That also made me realize I wasn’t ready to be a husband.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Emmett: Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Dellon Thomas

Let’s Talk To Manism

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 115: Manism

DBM: Hi Manism. How would you describe yourself?

Manism: Well, I’m a down to earth person; quiet, observant and quite passionate about living life and accept truth along with its consequences.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Manism: I cannot fix a number on that. So let me say, I’m currently content with where I am today.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Manism: Well, I have noticed as I am growing up and getting older that a lot of us were lied to about male and female relations, and it is having serious consequences for us now as a generation. Especially for women; because many of them have no idea how to select a partner and that leads to a lot of problem for everyone involved.

DBM: What are some of the lies you feel were presented to us?

Manism: The biggest one that still persists till today is the, ‘men and women are the same’. And so whatever men do, nothing should stop women from doing the same and vice versa. It has permeated so many areas to the point that, no one really thinks about it anymore. Another one is that marriage should be based on love as the foundation. And so many people start from this point and then hope for the best.

DBM: You will agree that, many of us see relationships and marriage differently, thus, us having differing beliefs and expectations of it, no?

Manism: Yes, I definitely agree with that. But it’s just like raising a child. Everyone sees it differently. But at the end of the day, there’s a wrong way of seeing it and there’s a right way of seeing it. I’ll give you an example: the sexual revolution made it so that women can have sex with whomever they wanted without being shamed for it. However, this brought about a new problem. It is now very hard as a woman to want a relationship without sex before marriage. Very hard because we as men have been taught from a young age that as long as you are with a woman, she will give you sex. And what that does is that it opens up a lot of women to being taken advantage of simply because if she wouldn’t agree, he will just find someone else that will agree. This means now that as a woman, you will either have to get comfortable being with a man and definitely having sexual relations with him, or you and him will always be arguing about it because he expects it and you keep denying him. It has also made cheating way lot easier. You certainly have interviewed several people whose husbands have cheated. What no one usually says is that, there are women who will sleep with a man before marriage and so it’s easier for married men to do these things. Just that one thought of removing shame from premarital sex alone brought so many consequences.

DBM: That makes sense. Are you dating?

Manism: I’m seeing someone. Yes, but it’s complicated.

DBM: What was your reason for pursuing this person?

Manism: Well, I did not pursue. It just happened that we were at the same place at the same time. And things led to things.

DBM: How do you feel sex with her has added to your relationship?

Manism: Well, has it added anything? I think I would say that she’s been very impressed by me since we started, and so I imagine it makes me a lot more secure being with her in that regard.

DBM: Are you impressed with what she gives in return?

Manism: I’ve only been impressed by a few ladies in my time. She’s alright. Okay, I just read the question again. It’s a bit ambiguous. Did you mean sexually or otherwise?

DBM: What’s your take on ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’?

Manism: Well, it is a lie. I think it started out as a way to affirm women and their capabilities but at some point, people started to actually believe it. There are things that the average man is better at. And there are things that the average woman is better at.

DBM: And, there are things that a human being is capable of doing, no?

Manism: Everyone is capable of doing everything. But there are things that are conducive for certain kinds of people. Not everyone. You can’t be an introvert who does not make friends easily and then want to be a salesman of niche products. Something else would be better suited to you.

DBM: True. So, I am assuming you are the type who is able to get a woman talking about the very things she’s most excited about (i.e.: sex, dating multiple men at a go, having specific expectations of men and people in general, etc.) whereby, she’s always associating those positive feelings with you, how would you define such a lady in your opinion?

Manism: Kindly rephrase the question. Let me understand you clearer.

DBM: Has a woman the right to cheat back if you’re cheating on her?

Manism: Hahahaha! I don’t believe there’s something called cheating back. It’s just cheating. And it is not a right. But that said, I think it can be justified if a woman steps out after her man steps out on her. If I did that, I would feel it was fair since I was silly enough to get caught in the first place.

DBM: What is your biggest dealbreaker in your relationship?

Manism: Lies. I can’t seem to get past lies. Once it starts then I cannot really seem to trust you again. I was once cheated on by an ex of mine. One day, she called and told me. And asked I forgive her and I did. I realized I’m not like most men who have a problem with cheating. But I cannot seem to let even an innocent lie go. I’ve worked on myself now because I realize women can be very prolific liars but still! Since you’re a man yourself, let me ask you this: do you think men are made to be with one woman?

DBM: I know men are supposed to be their authentic selves. Authenticity is a man’s best-selling point, and so if Mr. A feels he is content with just one partner, then he is content with one partner. If Mr. B feels he is not a one woman’s man, then he’s not made for one.

Manism: And what do you think is ideal?

DBM: Contentment is ideal

Manism: You don’t think that contentment leads to chaos?

DBM: From the numerous conversations I’ve had with thousands of ladies on my Facebook platform, women have said they’d rather appreciate men attracting them without behaviors that aren’t really them, lying or pretending to be men they know they are not. As a guy myself, I know many of us act like we’re good for the people we’re interested in, instead of becoming the attractive men we pretend to be.

Manism: Dave, sometimes, women do not really know what they are talking about. I know that sounds some way, but they teach us to act so that we can attract them.

DBM: What were you like as a kid?

Manism: Shy. Quite unsure of myself. But quite observant about my surroundings and noticing that which was said, and what I the difference in what I was seeing.

DBM: How do you express love as a man?

Manism: In doing. I think the psychological make up of men is in actions for the most part. But in order to deal with my woman, I have to also learn how to use words and gifts. I don’t know if those ones are sustainable though.

DBM: Okay! So, as her boyfriend, you feel your most comfortable sharing your feelings with your girlfriend when she … (If you’re to complete this sentence)

Manism: What feelings please? 😂

DBM: That something-something making you believe you’re that much into her

Manism: Haha. I don’t think I do that in general.

DBM: What advice would you give women on the types of partners they should select?

Manism: Well, we have to understand that there are different reasons why we have partners and we have different types of partners. Companionship. Family. Partnership. Fun. Someway somehow, we have deceived ourselves that we can have all these things in one person. And it is a lie told especially to women. Family is about duty. Not feelings. There are roles and as long as everyone plays their roles dutifully and consciously, it will work. Women who want families cannot join themselves with a man that does not have family values. They will suffer. Companionship does not have the same rules of engagement as family building. And partnership too. I think women have to take as much time studying themselves and studying men as much as men take time to study women to understand these differences. It is the lack of understanding of men that makes women easily deceived by a man because he has studied how to attract her, but she has no clue on how to separate someone who just wants a companion, from one who wants to raise a family. It is something that keep recurring in your stories all the time. The women are clueless, confused and easily deceived because they do not understand what they are dealing with.

DBM: Why do you think you’re in a complicated relationship then, since you seem to have figured the whole male and female relations out?

Manism: The complication has nothing to do with the relationship. It’s more to do with work, location, distance and all that. There are future decisions to be made that can make or break the union and so it’s not so clear to move forward or not. Some of the decisions are not so clear cut. But that said, I have not figured everything out. I just have realized that we have taken a lot of things for granted and it has made life very hard for us.

Image Credit: Austin J Best

Let’s Talk To Aimee

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 70: My name is Aimee

DBM: Hello Aimee. How would you describe yourself?

Aimee: I am 38 years old, and a single mother.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aimee: I am 8-scaled happy

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Aimee: Before I share my issue, I want to know why it’s taken you almost three months before reaching my turn?

DBM: I am very sorry Aimee. There have been a lot of emails and inbox messages expressing interest in the series, and I am trying to engage everyone accordingly. I usually assign days to participants in order to chat with them. Unfortunately, some conversations take more than three days to conclude, due to our different work schedules. I am yet to even assign dates to other interested partakers. Hopefully, it will get to everyone’s turn.

Aimee: I’ve met a man that I really, really like. He hasn’t come out to say it, but he’s expressed interest in us getting married. At the moment, I am enjoying every stage of our relationship and taking heart to all the things he’s expressed. He’s introduced me to his siblings, friends and will be meeting his mother for the first-time next week. I have spoken with his mother on phone a couple of times though.

DBM: That’s nice to know

Aimee: Yeah, but there is a big BUT…

DBM: What’s the problem?

Aimee: I am a single mother of four. All of my four children are with four different men. My first son’s father is in jail. He raped me when I was a teenager, and my parents got him arrested. He is not someone I knew or dated; he is a complete stranger who forced himself on me. My second child’s father was my first boyfriend. We dated for a year and a half, and found out that I was pregnant with our daughter. We planned on getting married but weeks into our traditional marriage, I got to know he was expecting another child with another woman. It broke my heart and couldn’t go through with the engagement. We broke things off amicably. My third child is the son of my first husband. We were married for two years till I couldn’t be his wife anymore. He was verbally abusive. He once told me, he would divorce me, and I would be at the mercy of strange men – who would sleep with me before giving me money to feed myself and the children. He told my first child, he would throw him out on the streets so he begs for a living, and would drive past him and not give him even 20 pesewas to buy water . He isolated me from my family, always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing; he would assume control over my finances because he felt I was stupid to plan for my own life. And he did all these without sitting me down to discuss issues. He never admitted his faults. I moved out of his house and divorced him without thinking twice. My second husband was the father of my fourth child. He was the love of my life, but unfortunately, died in a car accident. So far, my life has been a roller coaster ride, and I want to keep a steady wall of separation between my life as a mother, and my current dating life.

DBM: That was a lot to read

Aimee: I am sorry

DBM: Tell me a little about this new man in your life

Aimee: He is divorced, and has two adorable children of his own. They love me and all

DBM: Okay… So, where is the problem in this?

Aimee: He’s assumed all the four kids belong to my late husband

DBM: As in, you’ve made him believe such is the case or…

Aimee: I haven’t told him anything about the different fathers of my kids

DBM: Why not?

Aimee: I fear he’s going to judge me unfairly

DBM: But he loves you, no?

Aimee: He hasn’t said anything about love yet

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Aimee: Eight months, 14 days today

DBM: A man who wants you to know his family and friends’ desires to extend his connection with you. His family and friends know him best, and so you meeting and knowing them is his indirect message to you to know him even better through other trusted sources.

Aimee: Hmmm! I don’t know

DBM: You have to know. You mentioned him considering a future together with you, no?

Aimee: Yes

DBM: His heart is in this. He trusts in your love and his for each other

Aimee: I don’t think his mother will accept me if she knows about my history

DBM: Your history is, you’re a mother of four beautiful children. That is where the fun is

Aimee: My children make me feel loved and happy. I am free to express myself as a woman, and my they do not judge me. They show me a lot of respect and affection. They give me so much attention, which goes a long way to help me forget all of my worries.

DBM: I was talking to one of my good friends about your issue. Her name is Nandy. Her Facebook name is Nana Ama Tanaah. She’s willing to talk you through the process if you are open to talking to her. She asked me to tell you to tell your boyfriend about your children’s fathers.

Aimee: And what if he misinterprets the whole situation?

DBM: Let me copy and paste what Nandy is saying to me right now, “I understand, but if he judges you unfavorably, then you’re actually saving yourself from a future headache. It’s better to trust in the intent”.

Aimee: She’s right

DBM: What made you marry your first two husbands?

Aimee: Do you want the honest version or the lie I keep telling myself and others?

DBM: The truth

Aimee: I do not think I married both men for love from the start, though I fell in love with them along the way. Fear is what I believe drove me from one marriage to the other.

DBM: Fear of what?

Aimee: You know, not being able to provide for my babies on my own. Also, I assumed I needed a male figure in the lives of my children, and for us all to be under one roof, for it to be a proper family.

DBM: Do you work?

Aimee: I am actually a Chartered Accountant. I also hold an MSc. in Accounting and Finance. I make good money

DBM: I am pleasantly surprised by your capabilities

Aimee: I am a hard worker

DBM: Oh, trust, I know! And you should not be with any man who does not want to be with you. Do not be afraid to be alone if he chooses not to accept you for you. In fact, being alone is another stepping stone to finding a better partner who wouldn’t mind encouraging you to keep up the fight.

Aimee: You’re kind with your words.

DBM: You seem like a strong, compassionate and caring woman; the type to bring to the table, wisdom and empathy. It takes a real man to see your worth.

Aimee: I should tell him then?

DBM: You should, it’s part of your story to tell. If certain aspects of your past just happen to affect how he feels about you, and could potentially change the dynamics of your relationship, learn to respect his concerns and decision.

Aimee: Okay! I have a meeting to attend in the next 15 minutes. It was nice talking to you, David.

DBM: Likewise. Remember that, a man who loves you truly – would never want to change anything about you.

Image Credit: Barbara Olsen

Let’s Talk To River

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 69: Hey David. I’d want to go by River

DBM: Hi River. How would you describe yourself?

River: I am confused at this moment

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

River: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

River: I fucked up big time. I am not blaming anyone else but myself; no excuses… I just made a mistake.

DBM: What did you do?

River: I mistakenly called my fiancée by the first name of another woman I am having a no-strings attached fling relationship with, while on one knee proposing to her.

DBM: Was she the only witness to this?

River: No! Two of her close friends, two of mine and her siblings were there. They were the team that helped me plan the surprise marriage proposal event.

DBM: What was going through your mind for you to mess up a ‘will you marry me’ once in a lifetime moment?

River: I was in the moment and excited as everyone else. I don’t know how the mishap happened for me to address her by the name of another woman.

DBM: What was your woman’s reaction?

River: She pulled her left hand out of my hand and asked for my phone

DBM: Your phone?

River: She made me unlock it to read my conversations on WhatsApp with the name I mentioned

DBM: What did she find?

River: A lot

DBM: Good or bad ‘lot’?

River: Everything.

DBM: What was the worst thing she found in your chats with her?

River: We had fucked that afternoon and talked about how hot it was

DBM: As in, you and the other woman?

River: Yes

DBM: The afternoon of the same day you proposed to your fiancée?

River: Yes. The proposal happened in the evening

DBM: How long have you been dating your woman?

River: Three years

DBM: How long have you been seeing the other lady?

River: About six years

DBM: I see

River: I really do no think all the sex I have should constitute an emotional attachment for it to mean something to me.

DBM: What’s your interpretation of sex?

River: Dave, I can just shake your hand right now as a friend, or colleague and it would simply be a handshake. I can choose to also touch your hand in a certain way for it to be rousing and emotionally heartwarming. Sex is just like that for me, depending on the person I am doing it with.

DBM: Why did you choose to date your fiancée, knowing very well there is an existing relationship in your life?

River: The existing relationship is purely for sexual gratification. We explore different sexual tastes the typical Ghanaian wife wouldn’t be open to. It’s safe and fun. My fiancée, on the other hand is a woman I trust absolutely and completely. I knew I wanted to marry her the first day I set my eyes on her. She’s someone I can laugh with; she has no history of cheating and wouldn’t crave the attention of other men; she’s a good Christian too.

DBM: You have a history of cheating, yet you want a woman who wouldn’t cheat on you?

River: That’s why I am saying I know I do not make the best of decisions when it comes to sex. I need a woman I can trust in her choices if I were to disappoint at any point in time in our marriage.

DBM: So, you could have told her from the onset about your escapades with this other woman, so she would be in the known to make an informed decision about you.

River: I erred; I accept my mistake.

DBM: You did not err; It was an intentional, selfish and inconsiderate act. And just like the many others, you are deceptive, manipulative and would say any and everything you feel in order to get what you want from a woman.

River: I am not sure how to respond to you. You don’t know me like that

DBM: Do you even love your fiancée?

River: I am in love with my woman. Honest truth to God.

DBM: I know many guys who genuinely think there is an emotional connection between them and the women they cheat on, based on the things they think they’re feeling when they’re around them. Are you sure you are not just curious about knowing what the experience of being with your fiancée would be or feel like?

River: I don’t understand your question

DBM: Your curiosity in being with a decent woman like her physically has been satisfied, no?

River: My fiancée and I have sex, yes. She’s physically attractive

DBM: I understand that you are attracted to her body, but do you have a genuine connection with her soul?

River: Yes, I do.

DBM: And, how does that feel like?

River: That’s why I wanted to take our relationship to the next level

DBM: Did she accept your proposal?

River: She said she needed time to process everything

DBM: When was this?

River: It happened in January, 2023

DBM: Would you marry a woman like your character?

River: I don’t know

DBM: You know, because it sounds like you have the best of both worlds

River: We all fuck up every now and then

DBM: I know, but then if you’ve cheated before, especially more than once, you know you will do it again, no? It may not be tomorrow, or in six months from now, but it’s bound to happen

River: My relationship with my woman is really great. I love our love and chemistry, but I think about being physical with other women as well. I want to have a lot of sex, just not with only my fiancée. There is a freaky part of me that is so profoundly personal, I can only reveal it to a stranger, a woman who is not my wife.

DBM: So, tell her this truth

River: I’ll lose her

DBM: Then you lose her. You owe it to her to decide what she wants for her life. It is the least you can do

Image Credit: Rodnae Productions

Let’s Talk To Diahann

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 61: My name is Diahann

DBM: Hello Diahann. How would you describe yourself?

Diahann: I would describe myself as compassionate, and I know I will not hurt anyone intentionally. I am relatable, well-rounded, and know how to have a lot of fun – probably because I’ve been around the block quite a number of times. My boyfriend says, I bring so much fulfillment and satisfaction in our relationship.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Diahann: Oh, a cool 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Diahann: I am secretly dating one of my girlfriends’ ex-husband. It’s a secret relationship because I don’t know how she’s going to take the news if I am to break it to her. I am worried about her reaction if she’s to find out on her own. I am trying to prevent her getting hurt or feeling betrayed.

DBM: How long have you been dating him?

Diahann: Almost three years.

DBM: How long was he married to your friend?

Diahann: Seven years and some coins.

DBM: When was their divorce finalized?

Diahann: November of 2018

DBM: Was he your friend when he was with your friend?

Diahann: Yes, but not as close as I was with his ex-wife

DBM: Your friend, you mean?

Diahann: Yes!

DBM: What did you know about their marriage?

Diahann: I knew she wasn’t happy with him. There were times she could call me and cry and complain about his affairs with other women.

DBM: And, what were you telling her?

Diahann: First and foremost, it was difficult for me to just sit my behind somewhere, discussing her marriage in the absence of her ex. They are both my friends, and I wasn’t sure I was the best person for her to come to. The second thing is, my friend was suffering in silence in her marriage; it wasn’t working as she had hoped it would. I suggested she dealt with the situation or simply move on. Life is short, Dave. No one deserves to be frustrated by a spouse – all in the name of marriage.

DBM: Has your boyfriend told you his side of the reason for the divorce?

Diahann: All he said was, she wouldn’t stop getting on his last nerve

DBM: Did you by any chance get in the way of their marriage?

Diahann: Get in the way how?

DBM: Interfere with your opinions as her sounding-board of a sort

Diahann: No. It wasn’t my place to

DBM: Did you or your boyfriend ever seek any form of emotional connection with one another, while he was married to your friend?

Diahann: Never. In fact, I hated him for always causing my friend pain and unhappiness

DBM: If you suspect that one of your close friends is hanging around your ex-boyfriend, would you want her to let her intentions known to you?

Diahann: I don’t think so. That would be entirely her business. He is my ex for a reason

DBM: How did your relationship with him begin?

Diahann: I was supposed to be on a date with a guy who stood me up. My boyfriend just happened to be eating at the same restaurant. He saw me, and joined me at my table to build conversation since I was alone. When he realized my date wasn’t showing, he kept me company. He ordered food for me and the conversations continued. We hadn’t talked nor seen each other since their divorce

DBM: Did you tell your friend about your date, and how her ex-husband just happened to be there to keep you company?

Diahann: She knew I was stood up; we had been texting the whole of that afternoon to prepare me for my date. I didn’t mention the ex-husband part though

DBM: Why not?

Diahann: I didn’t think it was important

DBM: At what point did you realize you liked him?

Diahann: Right at the table on my date fiasco. He says, he realized how awesome I was, right at the beginning of our ‘first’ unplanned date lunch. He kissed me unexpectedly after eating, and I kissed back. He fell in love with me, and I would add, has been loyal to me. He respects me and our relationship, and understands my worth

DBM: I see. He fell in love with you, right there and then?

Diahann: Yes, that’s what he told me.

DBM: It does happen, I don’t doubt you.

Diahann: He did not contact me for about a week after the ‘date’. I didn’t sulk or feel hurt. He called on the eighth day to ask for a proper date night. That evening, I knew I was falling madly in love with him because the kiss had been on my mind for days.

DBM: We’re talking about the same guy you hated because he was making the life of your friend, a living hell?

Diahann: Same one. I’ve come to understand that, he’s not the type of man to hurt a woman for the fun of it. I had been pretending with my feelings for months till he told me how much he loves me

DBM: How much is his love for you?

Diahann: Worth more than 100 Cedis

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Diahann: I am all over him in love. I had to change my perceptions about him to accommodate his love for me.

DBM: Why do you think you fell for him that quickly?

Diahann: Because I know him. Also, he has something to add to every conversation we have. To be honest, until my friend started criticizing him about their marriage, I aways assumed he was a cool catch. I haven’t been so easy to get, nor so eager to please. He’s just been the perfect gentleman with my experience with him. Also, I made it hard for him to read me like a book on our ‘first’ date. I had blocked myself emotionally to him to get through to. He’s the real deal

DBM: For how long is he going to remain your best kept secret?

Diahann: That’s what I am trying to figure out.

DBM: In your opinion, was your friend right about her ex-husband?

Diahann: Since becoming a couple, he’s accounted for all his flaws, and is working through them to become a better man for me. Right now, our relationship is our most important friendship. And so far, it’s been working out just fine.

DBM: I am happy for you.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

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