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Men of Valor

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Crocks: Good morning, Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Crocks: Not bad. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. What’s on your mind?

Crocks: I’m part of a secret society for some select elites. It’s basically like a Gentlemen’s Club sort of. It’s not your everyday normal clubs for men. It’s a membership based exclusive gathering of not more than 15 men and 15 women in a day. I don’t go there every day. At most, twice in a week for me to meet people. I’m trying to be careful with my choice of words now because we are not supposed to be discussing our society on social media.

DBM: I understand. How does one become a member?

Crocks: You have to be recommended by a member who can vouch for your standing. But our society is to a varying degree closed to outsiders.

DBM: I see. Does one pay to become a member?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: How much are we talking about?

Crocks: 5k

DBM: A month?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: To do what?

Crocks: Our meeting venue has 15 private bedrooms paired with 15 full bathrooms and two multi-generational living spaces for the entertainment of its members. It’s a space for men and women who love sex and believe pleasuring themselves is their birthright to sign up to explore themselves in curious and safe ways. Our society was created for the members to go all out in exploring the hidden pleasures around our bodies. You get where I am going with this?

DBM: I do. Hook-up joint?

Crocks: A classy and mystical version of hook-up with rules and regulations governing its operation. Members don’t drive there.

DBM: How do you get there?

Crocks: We’re picked up to and from the venue in luxury vehicles owned by the society. It prevents being tracked to the location by spouses. Majority of the male members are married. Some of the female members are married too. We’re fed if you request to be fed. There is an open bar for us to drink and hang out.

DBM: Sounds interesting

Crocks: It is.

DBM: You get to sleep over too

Crocks: Of course. But we have a 24-hour limit not to exceed.

DBM: Why did you reach out to me?

Crocks: I met someone I know in November of last year. She’s the wife of one of my close friends. She was hanging out and talking to some of the guys in the bar area. I was in shock seeing her there because she knows my wife very well.

DBM: Wait! So, you don’t go there with a female interest of your choice to hang out?

Crocks: Some men do. If you have your personal thingy you play with already, you sign her up as a member and meet on the days you meet with her. But most guys just show up to meet with random female members to hook up with.

DBM: What happened next with your friend’s wife?

Crocks: Nothing happened between us that day. She connected with another guy and they went to a room together. I called her a week later to discuss my shock seeing her there and we laughed about it. Two weeks later, she called me to give a day and time. I knew what she meant so I booked a room for that day and we met. She told me it had taken her a bit longer to decide if I would also make suitable sex partner.

DBM: Had you ever been attracted to her in that way?

Crocks: I don’t know. I hadn’t thought of her in that way. She’s a very pretty lady Dave. Physically attractive and very funny. She was desirable to me. We hooked up and became intimate. I enjoyed our time together. We started to meet once every week. I stopped showing up on other days to meet with random women because in my mind, we were building an unspoken relationship. I later got to know last week that she’s still meeting with the other guy she hooked up with the day I first saw her at the lounge on different days.

DBM: Does she know she’s in an unspoken relationship with you?

Crocks: I thought she would understand since we know each other and our families are friends. I felt it would be best to rather keep it close and safe.

DBM: Do you know why she’s a member of the group?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: Why?

Crocks: The other guy is the one paying for her membership.

DBM: Oh, I see. How long has she been a member?

Crocks: Since 2024

DBM: Ha! And, November 2025 was your first time seeing her there?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: And you want to build an exclusive relationship with her on the account of another man?

Crocks: I’m falling in love with her

DBM: Are her feelings towards you mutual?

Crocks: I don’t know

DBM: What made you join this society?

Crocks: My wife is great but I am unhappy in the marriage. I thought I had no other choice to walk out of it. I find solace being a member of this club, even if only temporary. Also, I got to meet very attractive women there. My wife isn’t ugly but there are pretty girls out there who are more attractive and eager to explore different things with a man. A satisfying sex life for a man isn’t only doggy and missionary. My desires were unmet and I had to look outside.

DBM: Why is your friend’s wife a registered member?

Crocks: I don’t know.

DBM: Ask her and come back with an update. Listen, I know you probably adore your women but they ought to frighten you too. I know a very calm, nice, soft tongue lady who is frightened by her own self. Not because these living species bleed for a week straight every month and wouldn’t die; be afraid of what you cannot see in these living creatures when you look them deep in their eyes while making out. You can never predict their real next move.

Crocks: Ok. Thanks.

Image Credit: Cottonbro studio

Birds Of The Same Roster

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Sonnie: Hey David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing?

Sonnie: I’m fine. I was one of the guys on my wife’s roster before we developed feelings for each other and got married. I had an active roster of my own but I had to drop everyone else on the list to focus on my wife. We’ve been married for three years and I think she’s started to chat with some of the guys she used to play with.

DBM: What is a roster, in this context?

Sonnie: When you date multiple people at once.

DBM: To/with the knowledge of the others?

Sonnie: Not always. The others don’t have to know because it’s a non-committal encounter.

DBM: Describe the roster you used to keep. I’m still trying to understand the subject.

Sonnie: I had a lot of time on my hands when I was a single man, so I had about four ladies circulating on mine. My wife for instance fucked with me only on Saturdays, because her weekdays were booked with other men she fucked with.

DBM: Is the roster centered only on sex?

Sonnie: Most of the times, but some go on light dates or are plus-ones for specific occasions before getting laid at the end of the day. Some are added for their exceptional, homey qualities to benefit us. For instance, I rotated girls who were good at cooking, cleaning or their laundry skills, before or after some hot quickies etc.

DBM: Oh, I get it. Like what those boys on Facebook are doing under the pretext of giving girls a soft-life?

Sonnie: Something like that.

DBM: So, you knew about your wife’s roster?

Sonnie: She told me about it

DBM: And, you were okay with it?

Sonnie: I wasn’t but I respected the fact that she told me about it.

DBM: Why weren’t you comfortable with it?

Sonnie: Because I wanted to pursue an exclusive relationship with her but she wasn’t sure she could get everything she was looking for in one man.

DBM: What was she looking for in her men?

Sonnie: I don’t know. I never asked

DBM: Not even before you married?

Sonnie: No. I didn’t want to know

DBM: Why didn’t you want to know?

Sonnie: It would have upset me.

DBM: But you were rotating other females too, no?

Sonnie: I was, though mine was mainly a mechanism to survive. Hers was for the sex and fun it added to her dating life.

DBM: Both of you seemed to have enjoyed the Kool-Aid, no?

Sonnie: It was fun till it wasn’t. I wanted to settle down and she was the lady on my list I had fallen in love with.

DBM: Was she in love with you?

Sonnie: She said she was but I knew she wasn’t too keen on being bound to just one guy. Also, she got pregnant with our son.

DBM: While rotating on each other’s rosters?

Sonnie: Yes.

DBM: How do you know he’s your son?

Sonnie: A DNA test proved it. She was the only woman I was having unprotected sex with.

DBM: Were you the only guy she was engaging in unprotected sex with?

Sonnie: I should think so.

DBM: Okay, you do not know then?

Sonnie: No. Do you think I should let her know I disapprove of her conversations with the guy?

DBM: How old are you?

Sonnie: 42

DBM: How old is your wife?

Sonnie: 38

DBM: I think your wife, once in a while, may re-visit her past life. I feel you may also end up doing same, if not already.

Sonnie: I’ve been faithful to her since we got married.

DBM: Good to know however, the lifestyles you two exposed yourselves to, I think expanded your relationships with your individual selves to a whole new path to self-discovery. You cannot be the only one fulfilling every single good moment or feeling in your wife’s life that other men on her roster used to satisfy. Her body is used to different kinds of pleasures she’s explored and enjoyed with different male figures. I don’t think you can be that all-in-one package to satisfy all of her needs.

Sonnie: But she satisfies mine.

DBM: Are you sure about that?

Sonnie: You don’t think people can change for the better?

DBM: Anybody can change.

Sonnie: I have changed

DBM: She might have also changed for three years but the capability to become her past self is still a possibility. You need to come to terms with that. Have you tried couples therapy?

Sonnie: No. I don’t like inviting a third wheel in my personal issues.

DBM: You don’t always have to be doing any and everything to keep a man or woman who isn’t that much into you. You will make yourselves miserable in the end.

Sonnie: But I’m invested in my marriage. We have a child together

DBM: You cannot make a person fit into your preferred narrative.

Sonnie: I love my wife, Dave.

DBM: You can love a person, that’s understandable. But you don’t have to love them in your house, or life. Or even through a marriage. You can love someone genuinely and still stop being with them.

Sonnie: You think she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

DBM: That’s a question you have to ask your wife.

Sonnie: Are you free today? I want to suggest to my wife to have a chat with you. I want to know what’s going through her mind.

DBM: It’s a holiday today, and so I am home the entire day.

Image Credit: Carlos de Jesus 

Deliberate Intent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Karl: Dave, quick chat. My wife complains about every little I do. I’m of the opinion that she’s getting tired of me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain ‘every little thing’ you do.

Karl: For example, I come home sometimes very late.

DBM: From work?

Karl: Yeah, sometimes

DBM: How about the other times you come home very late?

Karl: I stay out late so the time I get home, the kids would be asleep.

DBM: You don’t enjoy the company of your children?

Karl: They can be a lot, Dave.

DBM: So, your wife is the only one left to deal with the ‘lot’?

Karl: She’s good at it.

DBM: Has she a 9-to-5 job of her own?

Karl: Yes.

DBM: How old are your children?

Karl: The oldest is 11. Youngest is 6

DBM: Do you feel guilt at all missing the bedtime of your children?

Karl: Sometimes

DBM: Which of you gets your kids up and fed and ready for school?

Karl: The wife

DBM: Who does the housecleaning, laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping and helps the kids with their homework?

Karl: My wife. She’s always loved doing that.

DBM: What do you love to do at home?

Karl: I pay the bills and fees

DBM: Does your wife contribute financially towards the bills, fees and household management?

Karl: Yes, sometimes

DBM: Sometimes, meaning?

Karl: Not regularly.

DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how frequent are her monthly contributions?

Karl: I’d say 7 or 8.

DBM: That is a regular financial contribution towards the household.

Karl: Yes

DBM: What do you do during the weekends?

Karl: I rest. I sleep in during the weekends because my weekdays are hectic.

DBM: What’s your wife’s profession?

Karl: Accountant

DBM: She does all that, and what do you do? Come home late from work or wherever else you choose to spend your time in the evenings and lay down in bed and sleep. And repeat the same routine the following day? Your partner really would be at loss at what to do.

Karl: That’s not how it’s like.

DBM: How is it like then?

Karl: She’s making an issue out of everything I do because she doesn’t trust me.

DBM: Why doesn’t she trust you?

Karl: I made a few mistakes in the past and she’s still holding it against me.

DBM: What kind of mistakes? Argh! Do I even need to ask! You had an affair, no?

Karl: Yes

DBM: It was a one-time thing?

Karl: No

DBM: And you call that a mistake?

Karl: We all make mistakes, Dave

DBM: There is a difference between making a mistake and choosing to make bad decisions. Because everything you have done thus far has been willful acts.

Karl: Here comes the other judge

DBM: I’m not being judgmental boss. I am just telling you everything you have told me thus far in other words. What are you desiring in your marriage that your wife isn’t forthcoming with?

Karl: I desire more space in the marriage. Something needs to change.

DBM: What needs to change?

Karl: I don’t want to be the one to tear our family in half, all for my own comfort. Dave, I’m not happy. I’m not cut for this whole husband and father role.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Karl: I’ve been asking myself the same question. She got pregnant with our first child and she wasn’t prepared to have a child out of wedlock.

DBM: Do you love her?

Karl: I like her. She’s a good girl. Hardworking. Beautiful. Sensible. She used to be fun to be with. I don’t recognize her anymore.

DBM: What work do you do?

Karl: I’m an engineer

DBM: Imagine this scenario: Your workload at work suddenly got increased, while your job title and compensation remained the same. How would that make you feel?

Karl: Frustrated

DBM: Would you still feel that frustration knowing you’re doing more without being recognized or consequently, rewarded?

Karl: Yes

DBM: Marriage is not like your engineering field where every new task seems to fall within your skillset or better still, aligned with your career goals. Marriage is a stretch beyond what we think we’re prepared for. It’s a significant stretch beyond what you initially vowed on your marriage day to do. Let’s go back to the increased workload scenario. What would you do, quit?

Karl: No

DBM: What would you do?

Karl: What would you also do?

DBM: I have always found delight in taking on extra responsibilities at work and seeing it as an opportunity to showcase my capabilities. It’s also a way for me to position myself for a promotion. Marriage is no joke. We push through it all. That is what your wife has been doing all these years since you two got married. Her role is no longer the girlfriend you used to have fun with. Her role expanded after marriage. She became your wife and a mother to your children. She’s been handling these extra tasks successfully. What have you been doing?

Karl: I help the best way I can

DBM: Is your best good enough?

Karl: I don’t know

DBM: You need to live long enough to appreciate how your wife has been ordering her steps to put your family together as a unit. Deflecting and starting to question whether your marriage is still the right place for your long-term peace of mind and happiness isn’t the solution to the very problems you have been creating within it. Check your intent sir, because you’re deliberately choosing to disrespect your wife and marriage.

Karl: Thanks.

DBM: Do not become the type of guys who only sound smart and wise on social media and pretend they know what it takes to be a responsible husband but do not live any of it.

Karl: Thanks. Got to go.

Image Credit: Jay Soundo

Passion Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ava: Can we chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Sure

Ava: I’m dating a guy who is getting a divorce. We co-own a house and three different plots of land. My name is on all the deeds of the properties because he doesn’t want to give his ex-wife access to them.

DBM: He is married.

Ava: No, he’s in the process of divorcing. They’ve been separated for two years

DBM: He’s still married. Has he showed you a signed divorce decree from a judge?

Ava: No.

DBM: Okay! He’s legally married.

Ava: His wife sent a text message to members of my church and everybody at my workplace, telling them I’m sleeping with her husband.

DBM: Are you sleeping with her husband?

Ava: Dave, my relationship with her ex-husband has nothing to do with her.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Ava: Two years. Almost three years

DBM: How did she know where you work and church?

Ava: I don’t know but I received phone calls from 45 of my church members and 17 of my colleagues from work about her text messages. She has really embarrassed me.

DBM: I’m sorry about that. What is her husband saying about what she did to you?

Ava: He’s handling it

DBM: How?

Ava: I don’t know, but he’s handling it.

DBM: Okay! You know it’s never too late to be a better version of the woman you want to be? A man jumps into a new relationship with you while still tied to his wife, and it’s not a bother to you?

Ava: What do you mean by that? I’m my best self

DBM: Okay! Are you happy in the relationship?

Ava: Very happy, Dave. He treats me well

DBM: Does he treat his wife well?

Ava: How does that concern me? Anytime he looks at his wife, though he cares about her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, excitement and love he once did.

DBM: She’s a woman he’s very familiar with and has known longer than you. He even married her. If he’s not treating her right, then his character will sooner than later catch up with you too. Does that not ever cross your mind?

Ava: We are two different people, Dave. His relationship with her has got nothing on what we have. Secondly, he says anytime he expresses how he feels about their marriage to her, he now has to deal with how she feels about his feelings as well. That’s why he deals with his thoughts on his own.

DBM: Betrayal often repeats itself

Ava: I love him. He is in love with me too

DBM: Love doesn’t change men like these overnight. Your love will never be enough to keep him faithful.

Ava: I am pregnant and he’s asking me to get rid of it.

DBM: Why?

Ava: He’s done with parenting.

DBM: How old is he?

Ava: 50

DBM: How old are his children?

Ava: His last born is 16 years old

DBM: How old are you?

Ava: 34. I want to keep the pregnancy

DBM: You want to have a child for a man who is trying anything to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?

Ava: No one is perfect, Dave. We all have our weaknesses.

DBM: You’re not responsible for someone else’s weakness. You’re responsible for your own.

Ava: His mother wants me to keep the pregnancy

DBM: How did she know about you?

Ava: She knows about me. She approves of our relationship.

DBM: I see!

Ava: I’m worried that he may want to end things with me if he finds out about my decision.

DBM: Be worried about the lies he will be telling you that will keep getting bigger and bigger, because it’s hard for men like him to stop. It’s automatic

Ava: You’re not helping, Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Before The Next Teardrop Falls

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Osei: Who would have thought I’d be one of those anonymous people in your inbox. Listen to this crazy stuff; the wife of my wife’s boss sent me an email. First, she reached out to me on LinkedIn. I didn’t know who she was. 15 minutes after accepting her request, I got an email from her. She had found out recently that her husband and my wife had a joint bank account. They each made payments from their benefits into this one account and trusted each other to withdraw from it as and when need be.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s weird. How much is in the account?

Osei: I don’t know but she shared a copy of a receipt her husband accidentally forgot to throw away in one of his trousers while doing his laundry. He had withdrawn Ghs 15,500. She mentioned a day and date her husband had traveled to work on a project, and it coincidentally was the same date my wife had to attend a friend’s funeral for days. Dave, my wife and I are pretty much open and honest with each other and I wouldn’t be able to recall a single day that we’ve had to argue about money.

DBM: You confronted your wife, no?

Osei: I did. She did not talk about the account but rather her high and intense sex drive that, according to her, I have a challenge being able to fulfill her needs.

DBM: I don’t understand.

Osei: Longevity during sex and my d*ck size.

DBM: Are you aware of this concern she has of you?

Osei: Dave, unless she’s been faking sexual satisfaction with me all these years, then no.

DBM: Do you enjoy sex with your wife?

Osei: Very much

DBM: Have you ever asked her if she enjoys having sex with you?

Osei: I think so. She used to praise me

DBM: Ha!

Osei: That’s just even the crust of the issue. We all agreed she was having an affair with her boss. What I found shocking was when she began sharing her fantasies with me. Fantasies I knew nothing about. She and her boss had been exploring group sex. They had had threesomes where she was the only woman in the room, and she loved it. She also said having sex with two men at the same time is what sets her skin on fire.

DBM: I’m going to ask you a few random questions. Don’t ask me why. Just give a yes or no response. Can you?

Osei: Yes

DBM: When you were dating your wife, was she the only woman you were being intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: After you got married, has she been the only woman you’re intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: Okay! Please continue with your story

Osei: I asked her how long it had been going on and she said three years.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Osei: 9 years

DBM: I see

Osei: Then she asked me if I would consider exploring these desires with her and her boss, instead of her always having to sneak around? She also said she was getting tired of hiding her fantasies from me and wanted it to be a part of our intimacy.

DBM: That’s a lot to take in

Osei: That bitch looked me in the eye last week and told me she knows and can predict every beat of my sex life like an overplayed Diana Hamilton song on UTV. How can a wife tell her husband he is boring in bed and that has created a gnawing itch that no one man, no matter how much he loves her, can satisfy?

DBM: How old is your wife?

Osei: 40

DBM: How old are you?

Osei: 44

DBM: You have kids?

Osei: Yes, three girls. Why were you asking if I was cheating on my wife?

DBM: Before I answer your question, let me ask a question: had you and your wife discussed boundaries before or after marriage?

Osei: What do you mean by boundaries?

DBM: Everything you both dislike or can never forgive on the table to see if there is any potential to go forward with the relationship.

Osei: No

DBM: I have a theory that, in-as-much as a higher percentage of men feel they don’t share their side of stories related to why they’re not happy in their marriages, men are still the very people choosing to break their own homes. Exhibit A is found in your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses to my questions. And, it’s not just you. Every man I have ever spoken to – whose wife is cheating or making him feel like he’s going through a whole lot of hell with her, had been cheating on his wife first. They will not readily accept this fact but that is the unfortunate truth.

Osei: Every man I know cheats. It’s normal. Dave, are you trying to tell me you don’t cheat?

DBM: I am trying to tell you your wife is currently seeking the hands of her boss and total strangers secretly, because you stopped exploring the woman she is, and already have at home.

Osei: But did she have to cheat back?

DBM: Did you sit her down to discuss the desires tempting you to explore with other women? If I ever should consider cheating on my partner, I would talk before I cheat.

Osei: You know I’m heading straight for a divorce with her confession?

DBM: I honestly don’t think you should be extremely mad at her. When you’re out there sleeping with other people, which part of you makes you feel like what you’re doing is as bad as how your wife’s actions are suddenly making you feel?

Osei: I don’t think you should be defending her adultery.

DBM: I am not in support of her actions. You are choosing not to understand what I’m drawing your attention to. You have not been upfront and honest about everything you have been up to. You’ve been hiding and erasing your own bad behavior – and pretending to be closed off with your feelings. Women can do bad all by themselves if you lead them into their crazy with your crazy.

Osei: I wasn’t expecting to hear anything different from you

DBM: Men never cease to amaze me! We start a game without first bothering to read its manual. You break your marriage and wait for the partner to catch up to help you do the work for you. We knowingly or unknowingly force people we claim we love to assume responsibilities for tasks and chaos we create in our own marriages. A man will whine about accountability yet hate to be accountable. No wonder wives of today are choosing to stay in touch with their intuition and err on the side of caution.

Osei: We all know you’re biased when it comes to these whores of another gender.

DBM: Your wife is experiencing a sexual awakening and starving for mass sex. Her hunger is making her want to be gulped, adulated and fucked senselessly. Go figure!

Osei: Do you know why I came to your inbox?

DBM: Why?

Osei: I needed someone to just hear me out and empathize with me.

DBM: I hear you; I really do.

Osei: You don’t. You’re rather attacking me.

DBM: Listen, ma guy, you cannot just will happiness in marriage to happen or hope that if you continue playing enough mind-games on your wife, something will give. Your marriage is struggling, and you can attest to that. You cannot control your wife’s actions. She cannot control yours. What you both have control over is what you choose to do and how you choose to accept, forgive or manage the other’s behavior. That is marriage for you. There is always something to work on.

Osei: My marriage is practically over. I cannot forgive something like this. I’ve withdrawn from her emotionally.

DBM: That’s understandable.

Osei: Come to think of it, anytime she returned home from a trip, she was in a happy mood, which was significantly improving the atmosphere at home and thought was lessening the tension between us.

DBM: Welcome to illicit sexual encounter. Everything you just described is exactly what you also bring home after returning from one of your side-chick sessions.

Osei: Bye.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Ain’t No Cure For Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Comey: Hi senior. Are you a counselor?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No sir.

Comey: You’re not a professional therapist?

DBM: I am not.

Comey: What are you into?

DBM: Communications

Comey: That’s your professional background?

DBM: Yes please

Comey: Why do you do these things on FB?

DBM: Which things?

Comey: Counseling, music, preaching

DBM: I don’t counsel. I don’t preach. I just chat with people who are comfortable opening up to me. I like listening to people when I have the time. I can sometimes be good at expanding perspectives, and if in the right mood, offer feedback on how I would deal with a difficult situation.

Comey: Are you a musician?

DBM: I’m a songwriter who just happens to love to sing.

Comey: You don’t sing professionally?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why do you shoot music videos and record songs? You spend money on all that, don’t you?

DBM: I do. I love to document all my works, thus my reason for recording and registering them. Someday, if I’m to leave this earth, I’d want to confidently leave knowing I put out all the talents and giftings deposited in me by GOD.

Comey: Do you have a performing rights organization representing the songs you write?

DBM: Yes. Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI Music)

Comey: Can I ask another personal question?

DBM: It depends on the type of question

Comey: How much do you spend on recording music and shooting videos?

DBM: I’ve spent over ten thousand dollars.

Comey: Do you make money from music?

DBM: No!

Comey: Have you considered pursuing counselling professionally?

DBM: No!

Comey: Why not?

DBM: I tend to be very emotional and biased.

Comey: But you actively know how to listen

DBM: When I am in the right mood to want to, yes.

Comey: Is that not the minimum basic skill for counseling?

DBM: Yeah, but it’s not my life’s mandate, unfortunately.

Comey: Do you follow up on your clients?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why don’t you?

DBM: Because they are not ‘clients’ and I don’t want to be invested.

Comey: So, it ends after the chat?

DBM: Yes. I have to gauge my own energy and desire.

Comey: I need someone who will check up on me after sharing my problems with them.

DBM: I can recommend a professional therapist. He charges per the hour. He is very experienced and passionate, and has made huge contributions to the field.

Comey: How much does he charge?

DBM: $150/hr

Comey: Ghanaian?

DBM: No! He’s American. I know him personally. He does remote sessions with some of his clients too. Let me know if you’re interested.

Comey: Ok. Can I share my issue with you so I know what you make of it?

DBM: I’m all ears.

Comey: I think I’ve found my soulmate. I knew from the first day we agreed to be friends and I’ve loved her every moment. I broke things off with her at a point, and moved on with my life. She married a different man three years ago. We met at a function in 2022, and she told me she had been trying to find me. I had been trying to find out what she had been up to through mutual friends over the years too. When we met at the function, she told me she’s only been in love with me. Dave, she’s the only woman I have been in love with. I found out in 2022 that she was pregnant with her husband’s child but didn’t want to keep it. She wanted us to try rekindling our relationship to see if we still had a chance.

DBM: She was married in 2022, no?

Comey: Yes, and under 11 weeks pregnant when we had this conversation at the private function.

DBM: Okay!

Comey: She wanted an abortion, and asked me to find her a trusted doctor. I knew of a doctor who assessed her pregnancy and told us she was suitable to have a medical abortion at home. To clear things up, it wasn’t my suggestion to get rid of the pregnancy. She did not want to continue with the pregnancy nor keep her husband’s baby, and she confirmed to the doctor that her decision was her preferred option.

DBM: Her husband had no say in this?

Comey: The doctor said it was her choice and her right to do so

DBM: Did her husband know about the pregnancy?

Comey: He did.

DBM: I see

Comey: The doctor prepared a treatment pack for her, which included medicines she’d need for the abortion treatment, and some pain killers and other tablets. I collected the pack from the clinic and delivered it to her at work. I did not hear from her for two weeks. The day she called, she had gone to see the doctor to do a scan and the result was negative.

DBM: How did you feel after hearing from her?

Comey: Relief, sadness, a bit of joy, all combined.

DBM: Was that her first pregnancy?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Is she divorced now?

Comey: Not yet.

DBM: What is the current status of your relationship?

Comey: My relationship with her?

DBM: Yes

Comey: We’re still in touch and in love.

DBM: Why is she still married?

Comey: We were in the planning process to figure out the best way to break the news to her husband.

DBM: And?

Comey: She got pregnant again.

DBM: With her husband’s child?

Comey: We don’t know

DBM: You were sleeping with her?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Unprotected?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Are you sleeping with any other women?

Comey: One or two, but with protection. She’s the only one I do raw with.

DBM: What do you feel for the one or two you fuck with?

Comey: It’s just sex, nothing important.

DBM: Is she keeping this pregnancy?

Comey: We are. She believes it could be mine

DBM: It could as well be for the husband, no?

Comey: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the end game here?

Comey: She still doesn’t know how to ask her husband for a divorce.

DBM: You are the ‘how’ to her puzzle. What’s so difficult about being honest with her husband? She has no reason to sugarcoat or beautify a lie. You two managed to abort his first attempt to fatherhood. It’s only fair to dish him the remaining painful truth than to be lying and unintentionally giving him false hope.

Comey: She wants me to join her at home so we can both break the news to him.

DBM: How old are you?

Comey: 38

DBM: How old is she?

Comey: Also, in her 30’s

DBM: What are you going to do?

Comey: I would have joined her at home to do this but she said her husband know of my name.

DBM: How so?

Comey: She’s accidentally moaned and cried out my name three different times while having sex with her husband. Because we cannot predict the outcome of things, we are both not sure if it’s the right move.

DBM: Do you truly love this young lady?

Comey: My love for her grows over time. We have shared quality moments and memories that I cannot let go. She has my support.

DBM: Why did you break things off with her many years ago?

Comey: I saw a message on her phone from a guy who was supposedly her friend, but was making a move on her. She did not tell him to stop and was rather enjoying the attention he was giving her.

DBM: Was she the only woman you were intimate with during that dating phase?

Comey: No. But she was the only girl I was in love with and wanted to marry. For the others, it was just sex.

DBM: What does ‘just sex’ mean?

Comey: It’s like candy, sweet. I share it happily with a selected few without expectation of catching any feelings in return. But when it comes to my woman, I give her a special piece of the candy because it makes me happy to see her excited about it.

DBM: Can you picture a future without her in it?

Comey: I cannot, Dave. I am interested in everything she cares about. Can’t say I’ve ever wanted to assist anyone in getting an abortion, but here we are. It’s easy for me to find a woman to fulfill my sexual needs and there’s rarely a connection beyond the moment. What I have built with my woman has always had the potential to develop into marriage. And I’m willing to marry her any day after her divorce.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Chloé: Dave, my husband lacks empathy for me

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Has he always been this way or he recently started acting up?

Chloé: I think he has always been like this but because I was blinded by love, I overlooked a few of his faults.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Chloé: 5 yrs

DBM: Well, at least there’s the good start: you are not the cause of his problems, and you will not become the cause of his ill behavior toward you.

Chloé: I no longer enjoy my time with him. I don’t think I find him attractive anymore.

DBM: Do you think you need space and time to think about what you want?

Chloé: Yes

DBM: So, tell him. A man already knows what he wants; so, if your husband, through his actions is making you not find joy in his presence and also, find him attractive, then it means he cares less about what you think of him and wants to put that message across.

Chloé: You are right. He comes home very late. He’s always on his phone, even in the shower. He will do everything to avoid me at home. He’s disgusted by the mere sight of me. He has complex passwords on all of his electronic devices.

DBM: Do you check his phone?

Chloé: I don’t do that

DBM: Are you bothered by his attitude?

Chloé: I used to be when I was in love with him, but I’m not sure I care about what he does anymore.

DBM: Do you know why he’s behaving this way?

Chloé: I’ve asked him but he’s denied anything being wrong.

DBM: Is this the kind of marriage you want?

Chloé: No, Dave. I don’t think I can continue staying in this marriage if things don’t change.

DBM: You think he’s having an affair?

Chloé: I always suspected an affair and had to take some extra measures to secure the evidence I needed. I arranged with a taxi driver to be following him for a month, and I got my proof. He’s sleeping with two different women.

DBM: Plus, you?

Chloé: I stopped having sex with him the day my intuition drew my attention to his secretive behavior. The proof is the evidence I believe in, not his explanations as to why.

DBM: Okay! It’s unfortunate that most men reserve the worst of their character for the women they’re supposed to love the most.

Chloé: Dave, I will be fine. I am not going to wait for him to change for my sake. I’m going to rent my own place. I am leaving the kids with him. I’ve been the one taking care of them all this while. It’s his turn to take over.

DBM: How old are your children?

Chloé: 4 and 2

DBM: Lol!

Chloé: Why are you laughing?

DBM: Nothing, really!

Chloé: You think I should take them along?

DBM: Do you want to?

Chloé: No. He is their father. He has to learn how make time for them. My youngest daughter is a daddy’s girl. She’s all about her dad. Taking her along will make things difficult for me.

DBM: How involved is he at home with the kids?

Chloé: He comes home late every day, but he leaves money for them. He pays their fees, etc.

DBM: Since he’s used to coming home late, leaving the kids behind will be a good reason for him to be present for them.

Chloé: I have a question

DBM: Okay?

Chloé: Do you think all men cheat?

DBM: Why, you have a new beau?

Chloé: No, I’m a married woman. I am asking because my husband and I have grown apart.

DBM: You have such a young marriage

Chloé: I know

DBM: When it comes to men, it’s best you have your own boundaries at large. It helps us to know that you do not tolerate certain behaviors and any form of disrespect.

Chloé: I’ve done everything every good wife would do. I was reminiscing the other day about how we used to talk for hours and laugh over everything. We used to enjoy each other’s company when we were dating. I suspected he was entertaining other women even then but I didn’t let it bother me because I felt he was a single man and didn’t owe me his loyalty. He became more withdrawn and distant after we married and had our first child. I thought the birth of our son was going to get him excited about our family.

DBM: Make him choose what he wants, because a real man wouldn’t easily give up something he values in order to keep a side piece he’s entertaining his boredom with. If he’s comfortable losing what you’ve built together as a unit, let him.

Chloé: I’m very disappointed in myself

DBM: Why?

Chloé: I feel like I’ve wasted five to six years of my life for nothing.

DBM: You cannot blame yourself for the actions of an inconsiderate man. He is the one who has been breaking your marital vows and choosing to destroy the family you’ve built together. He is still out there living his best life and having fun. Why are you being hard on yourself for someone else’s poor choices?

Chloé: I wanted this marriage to work, Dave. I did not want to raise children in a broken home.

DBM: If I go and steal waakye today from Hajia because I was feeling very hungry, it would sound somewhat okay an excuse until I discover later on that – a hungry man can have more than four other means to get waakye without necessarily stealing it. Your husband had a choice to do right by you and the marriage. Cheating, lying, disrespecting you while doing the most to make you not feel loved and wanted are all some of the available options to him. Question is, are these the only better options available to him to make his relationship with you work?

Chloé: Do you know why a man will all of a sudden, change and be slipping out of your hands?

DBM: What do you usually argue about at home?

Chloé: Everything I do irritates my husband, Dave.

DBM: He’s probably seeking or might have found something better out there. A man will be tempted to choose better over good. He’s probably figuring out ways and means to hang onto the good he’s currently married to, at home, while also trying to experience what could be better for him out there. It’s in your choice to go along with his idea of having his cake and eating it.

Chloé: I’m going to go ahead to rent the two-bedroom apartment I’ve found. David, thank you.

Image Credit: Mike Jones

Twin Along

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Haakonaa: Good evening

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Haakonaa: I’m fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Haakonaa: Things in my life aren’t going according to plan, and I am frustrated. I feel left behind. I feel stuck. I feel defeated and sometimes want to throw in the towel.

DBM: I am sorry about that. What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

Haakonaa: I have no clue, Dave.

DBM: How old are you?

Haakonaa: 37

DBM; There is growth and learning in moments that we feel frustrated or left behind. There is growth and learning in those days that we feel stuck or defeated.

Haakonaa: I don’t know what to learn from this stage of my life, honestly. I feel like a failed attempt every single day.

DBM: It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.

Haakonaa: I wish you were in my shoes

DBM: Question: do you have any role models in your life?

Haakonaa: People I look up to?

DBM: Yes

Haakonaa: The story of Nelson Mandela inspires me.

DBM: Nelson Mandela, was Nelson Mandela from the time he was an unborn baby throughout his mother’s pregnancy. When he was born and just a normal child to everyone, he still had in him his potential. As a young man throughout his youth, he went through his own version of the ups and downs you’re encountering, and was constantly in the process of change throughout the different seasons of his life. His frustrations, when he felt left behind; when he felt like a failure, when he felt stuck or defeated… each state of his life, each stage, at each moment led him to the man he became. You are inspired by his life because of his journey through it all.

Haakonaa: But Dave, I’m not even asking for too much in life. What I want so desperately, others have it in abundance. I’m tired of trying so hard already.

DBM: That’s also okay. It’s okay to sometimes, stop trying so hard when things aren’t working.

Haakonaa: But I’ve been taught to always go after what I want

DBM: There’s nothing wrong with going after what you want. What I’m trying to say is that, sometimes, you just have to go with the flow and be open to whatever possibilities are available to you – instead of wanting or insisting on specific conclusions you think would make you feel good.

Haakonaa: If you say so.

DBM: Are you married?

Haakonaa: I am married.

DBM: For how long?

Haakonaa: 10 years.

DBM: How has it been so far?

Haakonaa: Great.

DBM: Okay! Kids?

Haakonaa: We have children but they’re not his biological offspring, though they’re growing and showing up as his.

DBM: I don’t understand

Haakonaa: My husband and his brother are identical twins

DBM: You fucked your brother-in-law?

Haakonaa: I did

DBM: Ha! Was it a one-time fling?

Haakonaa: No

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing details of this escapade with me?

Haakonaa: I can finetune it to suit your interest.

DBM: Where do we begin? Lol!

Haakonaa: My first sexual encounter with my brother in law was 11 years ago. My husband, who was my boyfriend then, had traveled to Kumasi without informing me. A friend of mine saw him enter a hotel room with another woman and called to inform me. He denied the accusation and lied about being in Accra. I challenged him to arrange a lunch date with me that afternoon to prove me wrong. I got to the restaurant and it was his identical twin impersonating him.

DBM: Did he know you could tell the difference between them?

Haakonaa: He did not.

DBM: Could you tell the difference between the two?

Haakonaa: I could, but I also would often act dumb when tested to tell them apart.

DBM: Ha! How are you able to differentiate between the two?

Haakonaa: Their preference in cologne. The way they smiled. The odor from their mouths. Their T-shirt choice, and the volume of their voice when they talk. My husband is partially soft while his brother is slightly loud. Also, I could tell them apart from their level of tidiness. My brother in law is very clean and orderly when you’re in his space. My husband is the opposite.

DBM: Oh wow! And, they didn’t know you knew?

Haakonaa: I prefer for people to think I’m stupid.

DBM: Lol! You’re speaking my language on that. Isn’t it fascinating when you let people assume they’ve figured you all out? You remain in your quiet and become more of an observer than a talker.

Haakonaa: That’s the superpower right there.

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your shenanigans. What happened next?

Haakonaa: He had his brother’s spare house keys so he wanted to act as if he was my boyfriend. He asked if I would go home with him. I followed him to my husband’s house and made advances on him. He flipped me over his shoulder and the rest happened. He did not mention it to his brother when he returned to Accra. I carried on with their charade.

DBM: Oh my!

Haakonaa: My boyfriend returned from Kumasi the next day, and I was in his house with his brother. He texted him to know the status of their arrangement, and his twin quickly came up with an excuse to want to go the Accra Mall to buy something. I took notice of the shirt, jeans trousers and sneakers he had on. He met my boyfriend wherever they agreed to meet, exchanged their clothing, and then came home to me as if he was the same one returning from the mall. The moment he hugged and kissed me; I could tell they had swapped. His cologne smelled different. His kiss tasted different.

DBM: Did you like his brother?

Haakonaa: I liked the fact that he could turn me on without moving straight to my genitals. He is a very patient and relaxed man when it comes to sex. The way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the way he makes me trust him, and the spirit in his eyes when our eyes are in contact, allows me to be vulnerable around him.

DBM: Interesting. How did the pregnancy come about?

Haakonaa: Dave, before we married, I was looking forward to motherhood. My husband couldn’t wait to get to know a tiny baby. We couldn’t wait to raise our kids and watch them grow. We pictured ourselves developing a relationship with a maturing baby boy or girl. We were in our sixth year of marriage and there was nothing to show. My brother in law had married and was with kids. We used to talk every now and then, and he would mention how much he cares about me. Over time, I decided to play along, letting him think I didn’t know any better. He made a direct move, took me out of Accra for the weekend, and I was pregnant within five weeks.

DBM: Is your husband not able to tell the difference?

Haakonaa: No standard DNA test will be able to tell the difference. My husband is an identical twin. You would have to do a complete genome sequencing to link our kids to his brother.

DBM: What is making you unhappy?

Haakonaa: I was in love when I agreed to get married. Now, it seems like the satisfaction and joy to remain his wife has left me. The bond I have with my children is what seems to be growing and keeping me busy and excited, leaving my relationship with my husband to deteriorate. I’m miserable and I think he’s not happy too. We’re both unhappy in the marriage.

Image Credit:  Cottonbro Studio

11th Anniversary Surprise

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Vedrana: Knock knock.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes, come on in.

Vedrana: Good evening, David Bondze-Mbir. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How are you doing?

Vedrana: I wish I could say I am fine but I am not. I am very upset and angry today.

DBM: What are you angry about?

Vedrana: I became very ill two years ago and tested positive for HIV. I found out later on that my husband was living with it and had been put on treatment, and I never knew. He did not tell me. Mine was actually a late diagnosis. Do you know what it means to be diagnosed late?

DBM: What does it mean?

Vedrana: It means the virus had already started to damage my immune system. My CD4 count had drastically dropped below 350.

DBM: What is CD4?

Vedrana: It’s a white blood cell (cluster of differentiation) in the frontline defense in a person’s immune system. That is how I am able to monitor the overall health of any patient of mine living with HIV. It helps us to also figure out how the immune system of the person is being affected by the virus.

DBM: What is your profession, if you don’t mind me asking?

Vedrana: I am a medical doctor.

DBM: What is usually the normal range for the CD4 count?

Vedrana: That of an average man or woman should be between 500 to 1200 cells/mL. Mine was below 350.

DBM: I see. How long have you been married?

Vedrana: 11 years in October.

DBM: Why did your husband hide such a diagnosis from you?

Vedrana: His excuse was that the person he contracted it from was undetected and had advised him to go on treatment so the HIV in his blood would be reduced to a lower level.

DBM: Wait! Help me understand what you’re saying better. So, he was on treatment?

Vedrana: Yes

DBM: And was having unprotected sex with you?

Vedrana: Precisely.

DBM: But that is not fair

Vedrana: That is why I gave him the option to pack out of our house, because I could have harmed him if he still was coming home to me.

DBM: So, where is he now?

Vedrana: I don’t know

DBM: Do you stay in touch with him?

Vedrana: Yes, he calls three times in a week to speak with our children.

DBM: Who was he sleeping with?

Vedrana: His ‘serious girlfriend. They had been in a relationship for four years. He was under the assumption that she was in a relationship with only him.

DBM: Was she the only girl he was messing around with – behind your back?

Vedrana: He claimed she was his only chick but she had a secret boyfriend who was also married. He was the one who infected her and his wife.

DBM: Oh lala!

Vedrana: Yes. We had to track the source. The married guy also had another woman who was a bit younger on the side. She had given it to him. She contracted it from her campus boyfriend who had been engaging in group sex with three of his friends. Apparently, the four boys were in the habit of meeting casually every month to make out with four random women in turns. None of the group sex squad knew of their status till I had to get all of them tested. They were all positive and probably had been infecting others they’re intimate with.

DBM: This is scary.

Vedrana: My husband refused to share his status with me. The boyfriend of his girlfriend did not share his status with his wife. She found out the same week I got my results.

DBM: Is it not a crime?

Vedrana: It is, Dave. I can be charged with a crime if I have unprotected sex with another man without disclosing my HIV+ status to him.

DBM: Why didn’t you report your husband to the police?

Vedrana: He had the option to either leave the house or get arrested.

DBM: Are you going be alright?

Vedrana: I will be fine. I am trying to live well.

DBM: It shouldn’t be about how well you live but how long you live well.

Vedrana: That’s true.

DBM: How old are your kids?

Vedrana: 9/11

DBM: Do they know why their father has been out of the house for so long?

Vedrana: I am hoping he will tell them in his own time.

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Vedrana: I’m saddened about the fact that I spent 11 years of my life giving everything to my marriage and the man I thought loved me so much to not want to hurt me. Dave, I have sacrificed so much for my husband. He is the only man I have slept with since we started dating. Now that he has brought this into my life, he is now apologizing and making promises upon promises to do all the things he vowed to do. Now, I am left wondering whether I should believe his abrupt change.

DBM: Have you forgiven him?

Vedrana: I’m not sure I can.

DBM: Do you feel like giving him a second chance?

Vedrana: Will that change my HIV status?

DBM: No!

Vedrana: What’s the point then?

DBM: I am terribly sorry about what you have to go through because of him

Vedrana: Sorry doesn’t change a thing.

DBM: Some men, unfortunately do take for granted the very people they believe will always be there for them.

Vedrana: He took me for granted

DBM: I doubt if he truly, even understands what he has done to you and the family as a whole.

Vedrana: And now that he’s fronting the reality of losing me, he’s all of a sudden feeling the urgency to change?

DBM: That’s a man in panic mode for you. He’s going to promise you heaven and earth, knowing very well he will not keep even one.

Vedrana: His family is also on my neck begging me to allow him to come home.

DBM: They shouldn’t be begging you! They should be begging him instead to become a better man, whether or not you take him back.

Vedrana: I’ll keep you posted.

DBM: Hmmm! I usually would tell people everything is going to be alright.

Vedrana: Please don’t tell me. There is no ‘alright’ in being HIV+. I will be doing myself a disservice by sweettalking my emotions to believe that everything is going to be okay, when very likely, I might have to live with this scar for the rest of my life.

DBM: There is more than enough space in my prayer to carry you along on your journey, even though you might be feeling the weight of it is too heavy to carry alone. There certainly are more positive (+) things in your life than HIV.

Vedrana: That’s very sweet of you. You’re right, I have worked so hard to be such a damn, incredible doctor.

Image Credit: Jeff Denlea

Playboy Almost Retired

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, please come to my rescue. My husband portrays himself to be well-to-do. People out there think he has money but I live with this man. I know the kind of hustle enabling him to feed himself and the family, or so I thought. I am recently finding out that he has bagged a sugar momma. It wasn’t just her. My husband basically targets women who have large purses to dupe. He forces himself to give these women attention, affection and is even trying to love them, all with the intention of making them give him money so he can take care of me and the children. From the information gathered on his phone, all the ladies know he is married to me and has children.

My husband is an Elder in church. He preaches. He leads people to Christ. And is living this fake moment, sleeping with me and two other women older than him. One is a divorcee and the other is a widow. I know my husband is very handsome, attractive, vibrant, aggressive and intelligent but should a married man be doing this to his loyal wife? My husband is a big liar; broke-smart for the streets but a hypocrite to the core. What hurts me the most is the type of conversations he’s been having with his friends. They all believe finding companionship, true love and the correct synergy should go hand in hand with someone with money.

I am broken and lost in the sea of vengeance. I want to teach him a bitter lesson. In fact, Dave, I want to become a widow. It’s amazing how a lot of young women have actually done well managing their deceased husband’s wills. He is not rich but he has made some money from these women he’s taking advantage of. I believe playboys should to be permanently placed on retirement I want to take over his savings and invest into lucrative ventures. I am so angry right now I feel like projecting all the hurt and anger on him. I want to take my power from being a victim. This level of betrayal has made it impossible for me to continue to love him.

I don’t want to do what I am considering doing. I don’t feel like speaking to him either, that is why I am pouring my frustrations on you. Please help me to calm myself down so I don’t do something stupid.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko 

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