Unfulfillment – David B

Let’s Talk To Egypt

Written by David B on March 18, 2024. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 170: Egypt

DBM: Hi Egypt. How would you describe yourself?

Egypt: Pretty much messed up

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Egypt: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Egypt: I knew my marriage wasn’t going to work out long-term on my wedding day, but I couldn’t let go at that time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Egypt: Six years

DBM: And how have you been managing thus far?

Egypt: Good question, Dave. I don’t know

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: Tears have started flowing already

DBM: Why?

Egypt: I feel guilty for wasting my wife’s time

DBM: Does she know how you’re feeling about everything?

Egypt: Not yet

DBM: How old are you?

Egypt: In my late 30’s

DBM: What prompted that conclusion on your wedding day?

Egypt: My wife is a catch; everything nice and sweet. She looked absolutely stunning in her wedding dress but for some reason I was still unfulfilled with my decision to settle down in a marriage

DBM: ‘Settle down in a marriage’ with her or the whole idea of marriage?

Egypt: With her

DBM: In other words, marriage is something you want?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: But not with your wife?

Egypt: Yes

DBM: How would you describe the current state of your marriage?

Egypt: I have taken time to fall out and I am currently falling apart. My marriage has been a mistake from the very beginning.

DBM: Whose mistake?

Egypt: Mine, and I take full responsibility for it

DBM: Did you ever love her?

Egypt: I did

DBM: Were you ever in love with her?

Egypt: I think so

DBM: Okay!

Egypt: My dad is suggesting I manage the situation just as it is and find solutions outside marriage

DBM: What are some of the proposed solutions?

Egypt: Finding another woman

DBM: Is it a solution he’s tried or tested?

Egypt: Yes. I am as a result of his relationship with my mother, who was his true love.

DBM: Your mother was his wife?

Egypt: No! He’s still married to his wife. My mother was the other woman he spent most of his time with. She was his person

DBM: Who is your person?

Egypt: Not found her yet

DBM: What was your decision to marry based on?

Egypt: We had been close friends and together for years; I loved her personality and character. She is beautiful and has been an excellent mother to our children. I knew she would be a great mother. I also felt the pressure to get engaged because everyone believed we’d make a good couple.

DBM: I see

Egypt: I haven’t cheated on her since we married but she found out a few days to our wedding that I had been cheating on her, and she still went through with the marriage because it felt too last minute to call it all off

DBM: How did she find out?

Egypt: One of her friends caught me with the other girl

DBM: Were you concerned that you had been caught?

Egypt: No. I was rather counting on her to cancel the wedding

DBM: Ha!

Egypt: Yeah! And I think she’s been trying everything to prove to me that she can be a great choice

DBM: When you find yourself trying to prove your worth, you have forgotten your value.

Egypt: That’s true. Do you think I’m being over the top?

DBM: Not really. But I am old school. My belief is that – when I make a commitment, I should be able to stick to it.

Egypt: Even when it no longer serves you?

DBM: It will not serve me if I no longer have trust in and for you. It will not serve me if there no longer is friendship between us. It will not serve me if there is no mutual respect

Egypt: What advice would you have given me six years ago, if I had come to you before getting married?

DBM: I listen to my instincts a lot, and I am always keeping my eyes open – when it comes to those around me and the people I care about. If something doesn’t feel right, then something certainly isn’t right. And I usually would want to make it right before making the decision to or not to get married.

Egypt: Easily said than done

DBM: On the contrary. Being genuinely committed to someone helps you to survive the inevitable bumps in the road that you’d encounter. Unfortunately, you’re not that much into your wife and that is why you do not see the need to want to commit to her and the marriage.

Egypt: Some things can be one sided and still be managed well, or?

DBM: Of course. I love ice cream. I hardly would share my cone with anyone. I don’t share my personal diary with people to read. These things can be one-sided. I am yet to find reason as to why one would fool themselves into believing – a healthy marriage can be one-sided and okay.

Egypt: Do you think there could be, at least, hope to salvage mine?

DBM: If I want something that bad enough, I take the necessary steps to make it work best for my good. It takes intentional work and planning. Simply desiring to have a good marriage doesn’t make it happen. What serious thoughts have you put into being a great husband, father and an overall, decent man?

Egypt: The desire to be is there

DBM: And, what are you prepared to do to make it happen?

Egypt: Hmmm!

DBM: What are you willing to sacrifice to make a healthy home? Because wanting marriage and getting it are not related – if you genuinely do not want your wife badly enough to create this kind of life with.

Egypt: I need time to think about everything

DBM: Marriage can be a good thing if you want it badly enough to sacrifice your best of self to achieve the out-of-the-ordinary experience

Egypt: I agree

DBM: Participant 169, Atɛ, left a question for you: What does friendship mean to you?

Egypt: Openness to the other’s perspectives and being there for them the best way possible

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Egypt: I have no question

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Reuben George

Written by David B on July 31, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 148: Reuben George

DBM: Hi Reuben. How would you describe yourself?

Reuben: I’ve been hitting rock bottom lately. Mood swings and all, etc.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Reuben: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Reuben: I feel like I am failing as a husband and father. Before I got married, this was one of the roles I wanted to play and give it my best. Now, everything around me feels overwhelmingly difficult, and beyond my capacity.

DBM: Do you think you are not built to be a great husband?

Reuben: I can be a great husband to my wife

DBM: Are you built to be a wonderful father to your children?

Reuben: I am

DBM: What makes you think you’re failing at these roles?

Reuben: The look in my wife’s eyes when I am unable to give her something she needs. When I watch my kids cry and run to their mother for something I could not provide them. The remarks of my mother-in-law sometimes, also breaks my wings. The wives of some of our close friends also give me the unneeded attitude when I hang out with their husbands.

DBM: How is your mother-in-law involved in your personal stuff?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to her for help

DBM: What kind of help?

Reuben: Financial assistance

DBM: How are the wives of some of your close friends involved in your family matters?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to them for loans

DBM: The loans are paid back eventually, no?

Reuben: Yes, I make sure they’re all paid

DBM: So, their negative energy is because of what?

Reuben: They think I’m not man enough to keep my home together

DBM: Is your home falling apart?

Reuben: I don’t have money to run my home the way I want to

DBM: Do you work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You mind me asking what your profession is?

Reuben: I’m a banker

DBM: How long have you been married?

Reuben: Nine years

DBM: Does your wife work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: Hmmm!

Reuben: Dave, it’s like my value is now measurable in the eyes of my wife and others

DBM: A woman will do many things that would make her happy in her lifetime. Being with an emotionally broken husband shouldn’t be one of those things on her bucket list

Reuben: Smh!

DBM: If someone who isn’t my partner is to assume on me that I am failing as a husband or father, I definitely would limit my time with such a person.

Reuben: But they are the same people who help us in times of need

DBM: In other words, you prefer encouraging their toxicity in your heart and marriage?

Reuben: No

DBM: When I asked you to measure your level of happiness, you gave the number four, why?

Reuben: I’m not fulfilled

DBM: And, what would be fulfilling?

Reuben: A comfortable life for me and my family

DBM: If you’re not getting the kind of love and respect you think you deserve, I would suggest you start looking from within you, and addressing whatever is making you not measure up to your own self first. I think that is what is currently not in alignment with the kind of relationship you wish to attract.

Reuben: I don’t get you

DBM: I walk every morning for over two and a half hours before starting my day. One time, there was this sharp stone lodging in my sneakers while I walked, and it was kind of, hurting my foot. Imagine walking with such pain in the foot and greeting or conversing with other people exercising on your route. Where do you think your main focus would be drawn to when you are to meet me and I engage in a conversation with you?

Reuben: The pain in my shoe

DBM: When I finally managed to take out the sharp stone from my sneaker, guess what?

Reuben: You were able to focus on everything else

DBM: I know you feel money is your problem right now. I acknowledge that. I mean, I cannot pay my bills with smiles and words. I cannot buy food with a ‘good mood’ or promise. I need money to do all these purchases, but money is just a medium. A medium to acquire resources. Actually, in certain instances, it’s the resources that matter, and money cannot always be the only way to acquire them. Many of us have been in similar situations; there was a time in my life I was troubled and felt like a failure because almost all of my mates and friends were getting married and starting their families. It felt like everyone else I knew was progressing in life but me. I thought my issue was not finding the right opportunities and also, not making enough money. But the real issues were my unresolved emotional baggage I carried underneath my excuses. They were discoloring my interactions with people

Reuben: I know I have personal issues to deal with

DBM: This life has so much beauty in it. You are surrounded by one of such already, a wife and children, waiting on you to enjoy the moment with them

Reuben: Money to get them what they ask for could also do the trick

DBM: Money will buy them the things that will make them happy, but money is not happiness. At least, from my point of view. A friend I usually walk with in the mornings presented an interesting analogy to me a few days ago. He asked me how I would feel if someone gifted me $10, 000, 000. I quickly jumped in and said I would take it in a heartbeat. Then he asked what I would do if that same gift was offered me, but with a condition to die after one month. Would you still take the money?

Reuben: No

DBM: Why?

Reuben: Life is sweet

DBM: With or without the needed cashflow, no?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You are even blessed; you have a job. I know many guys with families who are unemployed, and are relying on the mercies and understanding of their wives to hold the forte at home while they job hunt. You need to build your self-worth so you can be strong enough to survive emotionally. Being kind, patient and encouraging to your own self is a standard you can set, so others can emulate when dealing with you.

Reuben: Thanks

DBM: The husband role, in itself is a huge responsibility that can easily become overwhelming by all the expectations associated with it. No husband is perfect, and so your wife should not be expecting you to be perfect all the time. You cannot give what you know you do not have

Reuben: True

DBM: Participant 147, Ayele, left a question for you: ‘What teacher in school made the most impact on you, and why?’

Reuben: His name was Mr. Jackson. Aside his classroom responsibilities, he took the time to get to know me, and helped me to learn and grow from the years I was in Senior High School. I almost considered becoming a teacher myself.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Reuben: Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Keira Burton

Let’s Talk To Kweku

Written by David B on December 20, 2022. Posted in Blog. 6 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 20: My name is Kweku

DBM: Hello, Kweku. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Kweku: I am a Senior Product Marketing Manager. I am married with two kids. I am 43 years of age, and I live in Accra.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Kweku: I am planning on quitting my job.

DBM: Why?

Kweku: I feel disrespected by my employers. I loathe my boss. That is my first reason. The second reason is my salary, it’s low. The third reason: I hate my job. I am so unhappy.

DBM: Why do you hate your job?

Kweku: It’s not fulfilling, and I don’t feel challenged enough. There is no progression in my career. I feel so limited.

DBM: How long have you been working for your current employer?

Kweku: 9 years.

DBM: Why do you dislike your boss?

Kweku: He is incompetent, but because he has money, he feels he can talk to anyone anyhow and get away with it.

DBM: When was the last time you encountered your boss in an argument?

Kweku: Just yesterday. Dave, it’s an everyday attack with him when it comes to my input at work. There is always a problem with what I do.

DBM: What specifically are your duties and responsibilities?

Kweku: I am involved in the development of products and its distribution; I also create and implement marketing strategies and initiatives to increase our product’s visibility and market performance; I create sales copy, and liaise with the stakeholders of our company. My job is to also perform thorough market research and competitive analysis to understand and efficiently communicate product value proposition.

DBM: Do you have a new job lined up somewhere else?

Kweku: No, but I have put in a few applications.

DBM: Any luck thus far with those applications?

Kweku: I did one interview recently.

DBM: How did it go?

Kweku: It was okay.

DBM: You mentioned being unhappy; an unhappy worker most often is an un-productive worker. Are you productive at work?

Kweku: I am, and that’s what pisses me off; because I stive to give my 100% at every task, only to be unappreciated and criticized.

DBM: You are certain about resigning?

Kweku: At this moment, yes! I called my boss incompetent in the presence of my co-workers.

DBM: When was this?

Kweku: Yesterday afternoon.

DBM: What was his reaction?

Kweku: He was in shock. And angry. And defensive

DBM: What did your co-workers say after hearing you say that to the boss?

Kweku: Nothing! They all knew someone had to tell him to his face.

DBM: And that person had to be you?

Kweku: Unfortunately!

DBM: Does your wife know you’re going to be unemployed, like yesterday?

Kweku: Not yet.

DBM: Does she know about how you’re being treated at work?

Kweku: Yes!

DBM: And, what has she said to you?

Kweku: She’s been helping me with job applications.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Kweku: 11 years.

DBM: So, your children are under 11?

Kweku: Yes!

DBM: Has your boss approached you since yesterday?

Kweku: Not yet. That is why I want to send in my resignation letter.

DBM: Are you resigning because you feel you will be fired, regardless?

Kweku: No, Dave. I have had enough of his bullshit.

DBM: Kweku, please do not get into anymore emotional exchanges with your boss. If you allow your emotions to outrun your rational decision, you may not have the time to properly think things through.

Kweku: I have no interest in talking to him today.

DBM: If you’re resigning, then it indirectly also means you’re firing him as your boss.

Kweku: Lol! I haven’t heard that before. Lol!

DBM: Do not resign via email.

Kweku: Why not? That’s how it’s done here.

DBM: You insulted him. I would suggest you write a short letter, and it should be to the points you’ve raised: low salary, unfulfillment and the unhappiness. State the actual date of your resignation, and then go to your boss’ office to hand him the letter. Without any complaints, tell him you are resigning, and try to talk over your concerns. After receiving your letter, thank him, and then leave.

Kweku: Dave, it’s too much work while I can just send him a mail. I am trying to prevent any confrontation.

DBM: I see. Anyways, you are in control of your happiness, no one else is.

Kweku: True.

DBM: Are you your family’s main source of income?

Kweku: Yes, but my wife also works.

DBM: Do you have enough saved to support your family – while you wait for your next employment?

Kweku: I have something saved.

DBM: To sustain your home for the next two-to-three years?

Kweku: Lol! Hopefully, I wouldn’t be staying in the house unemployed for that long. Lol!

DBM: Well, you can never be sure.

Kweku: My wife works. She will give me the necessary support.

DBM: Has she confirmed to that?

Kweku: She is my wife. We are in it together.

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Kweku: I will be fine, Inshallah!

Image Credit: Nappy

Tag: Unfulfillment

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