Let’s Talk To Reuben George

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 148: Reuben George

DBM: Hi Reuben. How would you describe yourself?

Reuben: I’ve been hitting rock bottom lately. Mood swings and all, etc.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Reuben: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Reuben: I feel like I am failing as a husband and father. Before I got married, this was one of the roles I wanted to play and give it my best. Now, everything around me feels overwhelmingly difficult, and beyond my capacity.

DBM: Do you think you are not built to be a great husband?

Reuben: I can be a great husband to my wife

DBM: Are you built to be a wonderful father to your children?

Reuben: I am

DBM: What makes you think you’re failing at these roles?

Reuben: The look in my wife’s eyes when I am unable to give her something she needs. When I watch my kids cry and run to their mother for something I could not provide them. The remarks of my mother-in-law sometimes, also breaks my wings. The wives of some of our close friends also give me the unneeded attitude when I hang out with their husbands.

DBM: How is your mother-in-law involved in your personal stuff?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to her for help

DBM: What kind of help?

Reuben: Financial assistance

DBM: How are the wives of some of your close friends involved in your family matters?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to them for loans

DBM: The loans are paid back eventually, no?

Reuben: Yes, I make sure they’re all paid

DBM: So, their negative energy is because of what?

Reuben: They think I’m not man enough to keep my home together

DBM: Is your home falling apart?

Reuben: I don’t have money to run my home the way I want to

DBM: Do you work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You mind me asking what your profession is?

Reuben: I’m a banker

DBM: How long have you been married?

Reuben: Nine years

DBM: Does your wife work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: Hmmm!

Reuben: Dave, it’s like my value is now measurable in the eyes of my wife and others

DBM: A woman will do many things that would make her happy in her lifetime. Being with an emotionally broken husband shouldn’t be one of those things on her bucket list

Reuben: Smh!

DBM: If someone who isn’t my partner is to assume on me that I am failing as a husband or father, I definitely would limit my time with such a person.

Reuben: But they are the same people who help us in times of need

DBM: In other words, you prefer encouraging their toxicity in your heart and marriage?

Reuben: No

DBM: When I asked you to measure your level of happiness, you gave the number four, why?

Reuben: I’m not fulfilled

DBM: And, what would be fulfilling?

Reuben: A comfortable life for me and my family

DBM: If you’re not getting the kind of love and respect you think you deserve, I would suggest you start looking from within you, and addressing whatever is making you not measure up to your own self first. I think that is what is currently not in alignment with the kind of relationship you wish to attract.

Reuben: I don’t get you

DBM: I walk every morning for over two and a half hours before starting my day. One time, there was this sharp stone lodging in my sneakers while I walked, and it was kind of, hurting my foot. Imagine walking with such pain in the foot and greeting or conversing with other people exercising on your route. Where do you think your main focus would be drawn to when you are to meet me and I engage in a conversation with you?

Reuben: The pain in my shoe

DBM: When I finally managed to take out the sharp stone from my sneaker, guess what?

Reuben: You were able to focus on everything else

DBM:  I know you feel money is your problem right now. I acknowledge that. I mean, I cannot pay my bills with smiles and words. I cannot buy food with a ‘good mood’ or promise. I need money to do all these purchases, but money is just a medium. A medium to acquire resources. Actually, in certain instances, it’s the resources that matter, and money cannot always be the only way to acquire them. Many of us have been in similar situations; there was a time in my life I was troubled and felt like a failure because almost all of my mates and friends were getting married and starting their families. It felt like everyone else I knew was progressing in life but me. I thought my issue was not finding the right opportunities and also, not making enough money. But the real issues were my unresolved emotional baggage I carried underneath my excuses. They were discoloring my interactions with people

Reuben: I know I have personal issues to deal with

DBM: This life has so much beauty in it. You are surrounded by one of such already, a wife and children, waiting on you to enjoy the moment with them

Reuben: Money to get them what they ask for could also do the trick

DBM: Money will buy them the things that will make them happy, but money is not happiness. At least, from my point of view. A friend I usually walk with in the mornings presented an interesting analogy to me a few days ago. He asked me how I would feel if someone gifted me $10, 000, 000. I quickly jumped in and said I would take it in a heartbeat. Then he asked what I would do if that same gift was offered me, but with a condition to die after one month. Would you still take the money?

Reuben: No

DBM: Why?

Reuben: Life is sweet

DBM: With or without the needed cashflow, no?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You are even blessed; you have a job. I know many guys with families who are unemployed, and are relying on the mercies and understanding of their wives to hold the forte at home while they job hunt. You need to build your self-worth so you can be strong enough to survive emotionally. Being kind, patient and encouraging to your own self is a standard you can set, so others can emulate when dealing with you.

Reuben: Thanks

DBM: The husband role, in itself is a huge responsibility that can easily become overwhelming by all the expectations associated with it. No husband is perfect, and so your wife should not be expecting you to be perfect all the time. You cannot give what you know you do not have

Reuben: True

DBM: Participant 147, Ayele, left a question for you: ‘What teacher in school made the most impact on you, and why?’

Reuben: His name was Mr. Jackson. Aside his classroom responsibilities, he took the time to get to know me, and helped me to learn and grow from the years I was in Senior High School. I almost considered becoming a teacher myself.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Reuben: Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Keira Burton