Let’s Talk To J
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 35: J
DBM: Hello J. Please tell me a little about yourself
J: I think I am not good enough for my husband.
DBM: I want to know who J is, as a person.
J: I am average in looks and I don’t think I am beautiful
DBM: What is your definition of beauty?
J: The people my husband likes for the way they look, and their physical appearances that makes him fall for them
DBM: Usually, when a man gets to know a woman as a person, likes her, and then falls in love with her, he automatically begins to see an element of beauty in you, that may or not be common knowledge.
J: What if he never was in love with me?
DBM: Why did he marry you then?
J: I got pregnant with his child, and his father wouldn’t agree to abortion or a grandchild born out of wedlock
DBM: Tell me something about your husband
J: He’s handsome and good at talking to women, except me. He is not afraid to tell other ladies what he’s thinking and feeling. He’s broken my trust many times due to his dishonesty. He prefers to spend time at work or with other women or his buddies rather than me. I am not his number one priority, but he loves our children very much and is doing everything to give them a life full of ease and beauty.
DBM: Why are you still with him?
J: I don’t believe in divorce. I don’t believe in letting my children experience a broken home. Till death do us part is a vow I sincerely took and would adhere to. I made a promise to my husband, and to God, on our wedding day. And I know it is only God who will get me through these rather tough times.
DBM: You’re a Christian, I’m guessing?
J: I am
DBM: Do you believe GOD can equally put a smile on your face, even if that means through a divorce?
J: Divorce is not an option for me.
DBM: I am not suggesting a divorce. I am just asking a question.
J: Maybe
DBM: Was your husband the man of your dreams when you were dating?
J: Yes
DBM: Were you the woman of his dreams?
J: I can’t answer for him.
DBM: Was his intention ever to marry you?
J: I don’t know
DBM: Prior to getting pregnant, was marriage a discussion on the table?
J: Not really
DBM: So, what was the definition given to your relationship with him?
J: He was my boyfriend
DBM: And you were his girlfriend?
J: Yes
DBM: The only woman in his life?
J: No!
DBM: You knew of others?
J: Yes
DBM: Does he share in your values and interests?
J: Not so much
DBM: He’s a Christian?
J: He is
DBM: Was he ever a guy who looked ready for a long-term commitment of any sort?
J: Not really.
DBM: So, you got pregnant for a man who clearly wanted to be single, a bachelor, but at the same time, have his girlfriends to be available to his needs, and basically enjoy his party boy lifestyle?
J: I love my husband
DBM: Why do you love him?
J: He saw me
DBM: Where?
J: I mean, he was the only guy who could really see me
DBM: What did he see?
J: I wouldn’t know, Dave, but he saw me.
DBM: As in, he made you believe he sees you?
J: If that’s how you’re going to interpret it
DBM: His other women felt seen, loved and listened to, no?
J: But he married me
DBM: Because you wanted to be the chosen one, no?
J: Nothing wrong with that
DBM: Are you happy?
J: I don’t feel happy
DBM: Why is that?
J: I wouldn’t know how to explain it.
DBM: But it has your husband’s footprints factored in there somewhere?
J: Yes.
DBM: Your husband’s opinions about you, and his actions towards you are not under your jurisdiction. You know that, no?
J: I don’t believe in divorce. You’re not the first person trying to not to suggest it. I cannot see myself breaking a promise I made.
DBM: A dear friend of mine did not believe in divorce, until the actions of her husband forced her to stop believing in the marriage. She encouraged herself to change her mind quickly.
J: That was her; this is me.
DBM: Understood! Does your husband believe in his marriage to you?
J: He believes he has a family with me
DBM: Family, meaning, he has kids with you?
J: Yes
DBM: But you cannot tell how he really feels about you?
J: I am not enough for him
DBM: Who is enough for you?
J: My husband should have been the perfect guy for me
DBM: Are you enough for you?
J: I don’t know. Are you enough for you?
DBM: I know that no one person can make me feel a certain way about myself, unless I allow those emotions. I am enough for me at the moment, because I am at peace with myself. I know who I am, I love who I am, regardless of what others think of me; no one knows me better than I know myself; people’s opinions of me are not who I know I am, and I don’t give a damn. I am open and vulnerable to my personal experience, and I look forward to the man I am becoming.
J: Because I smile, people assume all is well with me.
DBM: All is not well with you
J: Dave, I have always been there for my husband, but he is never truly there for me
DBM: What’s your biggest fear?
J: To lose my mind because of my husband.
DBM: You probably might be blindsided to this, but his actions are bending you out of shape and influencing your behavior in ways in which I doubt you would ever be aware of.
J: What do I do aside divorce?
DBM: Take time to analyze the source of why you feel inadequate, and if you can make any sense out it, maybe it would help you lessen its destructive effect on you as a person.
J: I want my husband
DBM: It’s okay to want your husband, but it’s okay to want you too. You feel guarded because you don’t want to be alone
J: It was nice chatting with you
DBM: Likewise.
Image Credit: Angela Roma
MD Avenue
The discussion in question appears to be quite unique and unusual, and it’s fair to say that the reader is quite disappointed by it. It seems that the lady in question does not have a clear understanding of what the Bible states in regards to the laws of divorce in various passages such as Deuteronomy 24:1-4, Matthew 19:1-9, and Malachi 2:14-16 (KJV). This lack of understanding is quite concerning and it is my hope that hope that she will come to realize the importance of placing more strength in discovering and developing and pursuing her life goals and well-being.
But It is understandable that the lady in question may feel that her livelihood is dependent on her husband and she leaving the marriage could limit her ability to survive.
But it’s important to remember that children grow up and eventually leave the home, this means that there is a window of opportunity for her to also begin to focus on her own goals and well-being. It’s important for her to find a balance between her faith and personal development to ensure a fulfilling life. It is important that she think about the long term
Nafy
From what J has said, her happiness is dependent on her husband. This is too much power to put into another person, especially one that does not make you his priority. Like Dave said, find yourself first and also find ways of making happy memories all by yourself. Children pick a lot from what adults do, than what they say. So, for the sake of your children and what they may be learning from you knowingly or unknowingly, learn to love and appreciate yourself more. Make yourself the priority in your own life and take your happiness into your own hands. Your children are watching and learning. Please keep your sanity for yourself and for your children. Be your own happiness girl..
Baibe
I have been laughing hard Dave; she somehow wrote my story, but I might be ahead of her because gradually, I am loving myself more and my husband less.
Sam
J I like you stance on keeping your marriage vow.
The God you serve will see you through and give you real joy and happiness.
J have you taken a deep look at yourself? Sometimes, some husbands look outside and at other girls etc. do to some things you may be doing that he is not happy with.
Has he told you to stop doing something and you are not prepared to stop?
Do you respect him and respect his family?
Have you had a heart to heart chat with him?
Do you request and give him sex often?
Etc.