Let’s Talk To Boris

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 86: Boris

DBM: Hello Boris. How would you describe yourself?

Boris: My woman’s man

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Boris: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Boris: I believe in premarital sex; my wife doesn’t due to her Christian convictions. I am a Christian too, and I believe having sex before marriage is one of the best ways to do romantic relationships. We had sex and fortunately for us, got pregnant before our wedding day. We got married not long ago, and I think what the reverend minister who officiated our wedding did, has austerely affected my relationship with my wife.

DBM: Are you interested in anything else your wife offers beyond the bedroom?

Boris: There is more to her than the sex. I invest in her, I prioritize her and make decisions that validate my affection and desire for her.

DBM: What did the minister do?

Boris: He asked my wife before the exchange of vows, whether or not she’s pregnant with my baby.

DBM: Asked in which manner, openly or privately?

Boris: He did not speak into the microphone but he asked in the presence of her Lady of Honor, my best man and the MC.

DBM: In the presence of your invited witnesses?

Boris: Yes, during the ceremony

DBM: Why did he feel the need to ask?

Boris: He felt we tricked him

DBM: Tricked him how?

Boris: Well, her resident pastor requested to meet with us a couple of times leading up the wedding. They asked if we had been sexually intimate, and my wife said ‘no’, which was a lie because we had found out she was seven or eight weeks pregnant as at that time.

DBM: Why did she have to lie about it?

Boris: She didn’t see the need to volunteer any of that information. Secondly, she didn’t want to disappoint her pastor because she’s been told since she was a kid, that premarital sex is a sin. I had no problem telling the truth, but she begged me not to come forward with our private activities if her church executives asked.

DBM: How did the minister find out that she was expecting?

Boris: I don’t know how, but someone clearly told him our business.

DBM: Did he officiate the wedding?

Boris: He insisted we confessed before he did. Unfortunately, while my wife was denying the pregnancy, I was saying ‘yes’ to his question at the same time.

DBM: You both were to present a united front, no?

Boris: Yes, but here is the case people had started murmuring and were wondering what could be going on with us. The pastor looked angry, and would not go ahead with the program till we told the truth.  It was even embarrassing when he kept expressing how disappointed he was in my wife. My wife practically started to weep.

DBM: This is so wrong on every level. On your wedding day?

Boris: If I am being honest here; I wish we hadn’t gone through with the wedding after that whole scene. My wife was not herself right up the questioning before the vows exchange till the ceremony was over. Our professional photos look ugly because we weren’t happy in it. That overwhelming sense of happiness that I was hoping my wife and I could experience was taken away from us.

DBM: I can only imagine

Boris: Dave, I don’t think I will ever get to that point where I can look back on my wedding day with any emotion other than regret, anger and discomfort.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate

Boris: It’s the truth

DBM: Who do you think is to blame here?

Boris: My wife blames me

DBM: Why is she blaming you?

Boris: She says I didn’t have her back when she needed me the most.

DBM: As in?

Boris: Not going along with the same script.

DBM: But you had gone along with it up till the priest had to confront you all over again at the altar, no?

Boris: She doesn’t see it that way. She feels she cannot trust me. And my wife is the type who would rather love a man she trusts. We have not had sex since our wedding incident. She cancelled our honeymoon plans and went home. It’s been two months since the wedding. Her love and excitement for me is now replaced with fear and doubt.

DBM: I’m trying to understand where she’s coming from, but then again, she’s the one who put you in that uncomfortable position to save face by lying about it

Boris: I had no problem telling anyone we were having sex

DBM: Because you were having sex with her

Boris: Exactly!

DBM: I have a personal relationship with GOD, even though I am no longer a church-goer. And to the best of my knowledge, I doubt if GOD cares that much about what I do with my genitalia. I may be wrong; however, I do know that He is very much concerned about my heart, and exactly where my priorities lie.

Boris: Do you believe in sex before or after marriage?

DBM: I do not equate sexual morality to how long I wait before having sex. Don’t get me wrong; I believe in abstinence. I have two biological sisters who are still keeping themselves pure only for their future husbands, and would not have sex with any man till they are married to them. To me, it’s a beautiful and wise decision they’ve made. But sexual morality, in my opinion isn’t about purity. It is about how I treat myself and the person I am with. If I am genuinely that much into you, and I feel there is a possible future to be built with you, sex would be good for me if it’s that important a bond to increase our emotional intimacy, and also build a stronger self-image for us. And this has absolutely nothing to do with being married to you. That doesn’t make me dirty or impure. I feel that, so far as we are ready, and we both consent to it, one should not feel shame in desiring to be physically intimate with someone they love and trust.

Boris: I agree

DBM: Why do you think your wife agreed to sex before marriage, even though she would have loved to wait till after the wedding?

Boris: I think she craved for it at a point.

DBM: I am naturally not so crazy about sex, even though I love the idea of some good sex. I think I have a low sex drive and can find pleasure in deep and meaningful companionship without necessarily using sex as a key component.

Boris: What do I do about my wife?

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Boris: I have, but she’s still not having sex with me. She looks at me differently.

DBM: Do you think she will ever get over it?

Boris: No! She doesn’t think I am reliable. She doesn’t share her feelings and personal thoughts with me anymore

DBM: Well, at this point I don’t think there is much you can do. Just trust that she knows what’s in her best interest. Respect her boundaries and be considerate to her needs. Also, have faith in her, regardless of the tension between you two.

Boris: For how long? We’ve been married for more than two months and still, no show.

Image Credit: Carsten Vollrath