Learning To Co-Parent

Enyonyam: Hello David. How are you? I would like to share a situation I find myself in to get your views and that of your audience.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing? Sorry for the late response. I am just seeing your message.

Enyonyam: Hi David. I am excited! Finally, I got you. Thank you for getting back to me. My story goes like this, Dave. My ex-husband and I were long time friends before we started dating. At the time I believed we were good friends. I never anticipated that the friendship would end up in a relationship. I did not envision that from the onset considering the nature of our friendship. Fast forward, we got married. I must confess I put everything into the marriage. Prior to the marriage, he had a son which he hid from me and only disclosed when we were making preparations to get married. I felt betrayed and felt he was not trustworthy considering the fact that he could conceal such information. However, based on the advice of close friends on his side I agreed. Soon after our marriage, he started exhibiting signs I never saw during our dating. He became mean and was reluctant to make love to me. I noticed a change of behavior at the onset of the marriage. I must confess he was not financially okay at the time, and I was also not in a good position to assist.

DBM: What advice did his close friends give to you?

Enyonyam: That since the mother of the child was married and there was less chance of him going back to her, I had no cause to worry. They assured he was a better person now too.

DBM: Interesting! I am listening.

Enyonyam: So, I was also convinced because he carried himself so well. Everyone viewed him as an ‘angel’. He was religious and down to earth as society would usually say. Dave my issue is the person I encountered in marriage comes nowhere near the image perceived by people around him. In fact, no one believed me at the time. I fell into depression especially as a nursing mother, faced career issues because I wasn’t mentally stable and many more. Eventually I had to leave the marriage.

DBM: Did you at least, bother to find out from him when he got the lady pregnant exactly where his headspace was when he cheated?

Enyonyam: Let me clarify. He had that child years before he met me. So, my issue was why he did not disclose that he had a child. His explanation was that it was a one-off sexual encounter that resulted in pregnancy. That incident he claimed was not reflective of his character.

DBM: Oh, okay! I get it now.

Enyonyam: Thanks. So back to the reason I left the marriage. I was emotionally abused and neglected. But Dave, one of the main reasons for leaving the marriage was that he started engaging with an ex-girlfriend when we got married. When I found out and confronted him, he denied and would rather feign anger. Fast forward when I was convinced that he was indeed having the affair, I left. This ex-girlfriend was married at the time of their affair. Meaning they were both married. She left her husband whilst he continued to emotionally abuse me so that I left the marriage rather.

DBM: If I choose to be abusive, disrespectful or unfaithful to my partner, I am very much aware that I am making a choice that’s unfair, certainly uncaring and selfish. So, he knew exactly what he was doing to you, unfortunately.

Enyonyam: I feel better knowing this because at a point I felt I was mentally unstable. He would make me doubt my reality and tell everyone I am making up stories. That he was not cheating.

DBM: I am so sorry about that.

Enyonyam: Thankfully, shortly after our divorce, they remarried. I use the word ‘thankfully because I feel vindicated.

DBM: Ha!

Enyonyam: I feel I was not making up stories. Everyone makes it appear you left because you were not ‘marriage material’ which I care little about because I know my worth and know how much I poured into the marriage.

DBM: People will talk no matter what. That is how come I hardly would respond to anyone and their perceptions of me.

Enyonyam: I must learn to master same too

DBM: Lol!

Enyonyam: So, my concern now is how do I co parent peacefully with him knowing that his wife broke our home. She knew very much about me. She gave us a wedding gift during our wedding. Gave us clothes for the baby during the naming ceremony. I feel so pained knowing how insensitive and selfish they both have been and the fact that they have displaced a young child from his home. The thought of single parenting breaks me. I cannot envision my child going to her. I am not bitter but describing how I feel seems so but I can assure you that I am at peace.

DBM: Is she the same lady he had a kid with prior to meeting you?

Enyonyam: No. This one was married for about 5 years and had no child out of that marriage. She left her marriage just when we got married. She appears to have money and it appears he went in for her money.

DBM: I see. Or he might have also gone in for love. It could be anything

Enyonyam: Well, it is possible. I am just wondering if love defies everything including abandoning your home and child to have an affair with a married woman who later becomes his wife. I cannot judge. I have chosen not to question his choice. The reason I left to find someone who appreciates me.

DBM: While it’s important to maintain a stable front for the sake of your children, have you felt all of your feelings after the split with your ex?

Enyonyam: No. I am not angry he chose another woman over me. I am still hurt that he would cause my son to go through the pain of not having both parents under the same roof. The pain of knowing what divorce does to children and also especially because this is his second time of having a child and not playing any significant role in their upbringing. He believes once he sends monthly stipend he is carrying out his fatherly duties. I see fatherhood as a bigger concept than financial provision. I am struggling and need help on how to handle issues of the betrayal alongside raising a son who will not grow up to be like him in this regard.

DBM: You need to give yourself space to feel all these emotions. Do you sometimes feel tempted to bad-mouth your ex-husband around your son?

Enyonyam: No, I have never done that. What I struggle with is letting him around him completely. I feel he will not have a good influence on him. At the same time, I know a child needs a father. Also, the nature of the betrayal makes it difficult to trust him and his wife completely.

DBM: Your child doesn’t just need his father. He needs structure and consistency from the both of you. How you both choose to express discipline and whatever kind of boundaries to the expectations of both households is what needs to be discussed right now. You need to put the betrayal and the parties that contributed to it aside and come up with a reliable framework for your son’s sake.

Enyonyam: I agree but I must confess consistency has never been a thing on his part. I am happy to work towards something that would work for my son.

DBM: Have you two ever agreed on anything since the divorce?

Enyonyam: Yes, to some extent. We have some agreed terms. I must confess I have found it difficult communicating with him. I would rather stay in my corner than reach out to him. It’s something I am struggling with. And this is because I would rather do it all rather than experience the disappointments all over. When you expect him to do something he won’t and vice versa.

DBM: Is he the type of person who would be willing to parent his child with you as a united front, or he’s the type to rather parent separately? Because from what you are telling me, you would rather do yours separately for the sake of your peace of mind.

Enyonyam: I honestly cannot tell what the dynamics would be now. What I can say is he previously never cared about significant issues such as milestones, educational progress etc. of our son. After the divorce and when he noticed people were advising him to pay heed to child and also that I had set strong boundaries, he started showing interest in the child. So, I am not sure what his parenting style would be now. I am only wondering? Do I sound bitter if I do not want his wife around my son. Or unhealed if I feel she cannot be trusted.

DBM: Do you want to know what I really think or you want to hear what I want you to hear?

Enyonyam: No, I want to know what you think because I want to be a better version of myself. I am still on my healing journey.

DBM: Learn to let go of your control so you can be open to trusting him and his wife to have your son’s best interest at heart when he’s there visiting. I know some things still does not make sense to you but try.

Enyonyam: Thanks so much for acknowledging it does not come easy. I will do my best.

Image Credit: Katrin Bolovtsova