Tag: Affair

I Need A Drink

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ranger: Hi David. Quick question. Is it every conversation you have in your inbox that you post publicly?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey Kwasi. How are you doing? No! Majority of the people who reach out to me would later ask me not to post their chat with me, and I always respect that. Why do ask?

Ranger: I’m not sure if I would want mine shared publicly

DBM: That’s okay!

Ranger: Are you sure it wouldn’t bother you?

DBM: It wouldn’t be a problem.

Ranger: You said you’re not a counselor?

DBM: I’m not a counselor.

Ranger: My wife just asked me to take a side chick and bang with no emotional attachment.

DBM: What was her reason?

Ranger: She wants me to offer my easygoing, fun and no expectations version of myself to that other woman because she (my wife) expects a lot from me and I’m always complaining she’s too rigid. Dave, my wife no longer craves for my dick like I crave for her pussy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ranger: 7 years.

DBM: You have children?

Ranger: 2

DBM: So, you need an escape?

Ranger: What do you mean?

DBM: An escape from the chores and responsibilities of being a husband and father to two young kids?

Ranger: You’re missing the point

DBM: What’s the point?

Ranger: What goes with a meal?

DBM: Water

Ranger: My meals usually go with a drink. I need a drink, Dave.

DBM: Well, your wife is giving you the go-ahead to get a drink, no? They will play their roles to the T. Go get ‘em’.

Ranger: My wife is up to something. That’s what I’m thinking.

DBM: Your wife discovered your true character in due time, and may have made peace with it. That’s what I’m thinking.

Ranger: I don’t understand

DMB: Ask yourself why you have gotten to this stage in your marriage where she is very comfortable giving less of herself to you than you deserve? She knows you’re already cheating on her and are deserving of less than her best. She’s not interested in being an accessory to your lies and infidelity. Reason why she’s enabling you to go have a drink or two out there.

Ranger: I had just one affair, one, and she doesn’t even know about it.

DBM: Okay!

Ranger: Can you post so I know what people think of my issue?

Image Credit: Didsss

What You Got

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Amelia: My husband quit his job in January, without informing me. I am a nursing mother on maternity leave. This is our second child and the transition is still a big deal for me. I am unable to sleep well at night due to stress. Dave, it’s not just my mood that has been impacted, I feel overwhelmed doing the lion’s share of the household chores and caring for our two sons, while my husband stays out late into the night every day. I had been begging him to help me with the domestic duties but he was using being busy at work as his excuse. I was always the nagging wife to him anytime I complained about his attitude. I caught him in an affair on the 12th of January, and instead of him explaining his actions to me, he quit his job instead on the 15th of January, to be a stay-at-home dad.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are your kids?

Amelia: Three years and a three months old baby.

DBM: What work do you do for a living?

Amelia: I am a Statistician

DBM: Is it a job that pays well?

Amelia: Very well

DBM: What was your husband’s profession?

Amelia: He is a Medical Scientist

DBM: Has he a backup plan?

Amelia: Not that I know of.

DBM: What was his reason for quitting?

Amelia: He says because I was complaining about him not assisting with house chores and his late nights out.

DBM: Quitting his job for these lame excuses of a reason wouldn’t solve your problems and his infidelity. Did he love his job?

Amelia: Yes. That was the profession he always wanted to do.

DBM: Is he helping now at home?

Amelia: Yes. He’s doing the best that he can to lighten my stress

DBM: Good to know. You get to breathe and unwind.

Amelia: Yes

DBM: What version of him is currently showing up to you – as a husband?

Amelia: I don’t know what to make of him, honestly. I don’t trust anything he says or does. He was cheating on me all this while, and I cannot forget that. I am profoundly hurt, Dave.

DBM: I am so sorry about that

Amelia: Hmmm

DBM: You have absolute control over your personal boundaries. Do you believe your husband loves you?

Amelia: Yes

DBM: Do you love him?

Amelia: I do. I feel so stupid still having love for him

DBM: You’re not stupid for expressing care for him. Your heart is broken and it needs healing. Has he considered couples therapy?

Amelia: Not yet

DBM: Would you be open to it?

Amelia: Yes

DBM: How about your husband?

Amelia: I don’t think so

DBM: Can he afford divorce?

Amelia: Hmmm

DBM: Has he showed remorse and expressed it clearly to you?

Amelia: He has

DBM: Do you feel your marriage still has legs?

Amelia: Meaning?

DBM: Can you two work things out?

Amelia: I don’t know

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Amelia: I’m imagining what it would feel like to be single again.

DBM: Has your husband ended the affair?

Amelia: Yes. I think my husband is trying to contain his inner angst

DBM: When do you return to work?

Amelia: March

DBM: How long is he intending to be stay-at-home dad?

Amelia: He doesn’t know but he is clearly relieved to be free from the provider burden.

DBM: Do you earn enough?

Amelia: I earn more than him for sure.

DBM: I just want to say this: please do the best you can to maintain respect for the roles you both are choosing to do, because you’re all contributing to the marriage and family one way or the other. It’s still teamwork, regardless who is wearing the proverbial pants to bring money home.

Image Credit: Lawrence Crayton

Dead Wrong

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Boahemaa: My husband had a cardiac arrest while forcing himself on me at dawn. He died immediately after he had ejaculated. I found out he was having an affair and had impregnated one of the ladies he was involved with. He flatly denied having anything to do with other women though I had all the proof to prove my point to him. Dave, because I felt he had proven to be untrustworthy, and a liar, I decided not to have unprotected sex with him ever again. I insisted he used condoms if he wanted to be intimate with me. He got angry and refused to touch me for months. I wasn’t bothered because my health is very important to me. As my mother always told us, if you continue sleeping with the dogs, you will get fleas.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Momma is so right! And the fact that he argues with you about the things he does is the other reason why you need to prioritize your health.

Boahemaa: I cursed him under my breath when he forcefully penetrated me the dawn he died. I wished death on him when he refused to stop after I had begged him to pull out. He had no condoms on and that was very upsetting for me. I didn’t mean what I said but I was hurt and felt violated. I feel so guilty.

DBM: Did you kill him?

Boahemaa: No

DBM: Stop blaming yourself then. People die during or after sex. He isn’t the first.

Boahemaa: I don’t know why I am feeling so sad.

DBM: You’re sad because you were married to him. How long have you been together?

Boahemaa: 9 years.

DBM: You’re entitled to your thoughts, feeling, boundaries and values. And, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting them to be understood and, or respected. He forced himself on you; that’s marital rape. Refusing to wear a rubber was also disrespectful. He was the one in the wrong, not you.

Boahemaa: I’ve not been able to tell his family the full story. I feel like they’re going to judge me.

DBM: What do they think is the cause of his death?

Boahemaa: The doctor told them the layers in the walls of the large artery from his heart bulged and burst.

DBM: I’m sorry about your loss. You have kids?

Boahemaa: Yes.

DBM: How old was he?

Boahemaa: 49

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Update: Grandma’s Necklace

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Reba: David, I have an update for you. My grandmother’s gold necklace has been returned to me. Everything is intact and just as it was before my husband stole it from the safe. Thank you for letting me use your platform to vent.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh! That’s good news. He did the right thing returning it.

Reba: My husband didn’t bring it to me. It was the girl

DBM: Really?

Reba: Yes. She said she’s part of a women’s group on whatsapp and our conversation was shared by one of your followers for their group to discuss. She read the screenshots and immediately knew it was about her. She came to my office, apologized and handed it over.

DBM: She knows where you work?

Reba: I don’t know. My husband might have probably told her.

DBM: What’s going through your mind?

Reba: Dave, I am calling time on my marriage. It’s over. I am very glad that it’s not a difficult decision for me to call it quits because I make money on my own. I am financially independent and not bound to remain married to a cheat and a liar. He stole something precious from me and lied about it. That is to another level.

DBM: What he did was wrong but have you honestly assessed the basis for this decision you’re considering?

Reba: I wouldn’t want to go into detail telling everyone what he did, and so I will be stating irreconcilable differences in the marriage as my reason for divorce.

DBM: I see irreconcilable differences as a challenge for one to work on their marriage and not necessarily, a reason to breakup.

Reba: I don’t think you remember our conversation. My husband committed adultery and also stole from me. Those are serious issues and all the basis I need to divorce him.

DBM: True. I’m a bit sad because prior to you realizing the necklace had been taken, it seemed like everything was going on just fine between you two, no?

Reba: To me, yes, but he was having an affair I knew nothing of.

DBM: You’re right. If I’m ever going to consider divorcing my partner, I know for a fact I would prioritize spending time with my spouse to examine our attitudes about whatever our marital issues are, so we can determine whether or not any one person isn’t placing any undeserved blame on the other. Have you at least tried to have a conversation about repairing what could be broken in the marriage?

Reba: No.

DBM: Why not?

Reba: I don’t think I will ever be able to trust my husband again. I have no respect for him at this moment. It’s best we go our separate ways.

DBM: Do you foresee yourself and life being happy without your husband in it?

Reba: I am a very independent woman, David. I don’t think you realize that. I have prepared my finances such that, I will not be stressed managing my household on a single income. I have planned for my future and that of my children.

DBM: Let’s talk about the day-to-day lives and routine of the children. How is that going to be like?

Reba: I’m keeping one child. He is to keep the other. We both are going to raise a child on a single income, and arrange for them to either meet at my house or his during weekends, holidays and vacations, so they get to be together. I will not burden myself to take full custody of our children, knowing their father is alive and healthy. He needs to also be a parent to one.

DBM: You’re funny. Most women don’t think this way.

Reba: I do.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Reba: I don’t want to revisit the past.

DBM: But was it a good past? That’s what I am intending to understand. This question helps me to always bring meaning to my story with my partner.

Reba: It was a beautiful past. Dave, you’re getting me all emotional. I didn’t come to your inbox to chat. I was just coming to give an update. I’ve got to go.

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Reba: What?

DBM: Are you at peace about your decision to want out of the marriage?

Reba: Yes

DBM: Are you at peace about yourself?

Reba: I am at peace about myself.

DBM: Are you at peace about going through the next chapter of your life on your own terms?

Reba: Yes.

DBM: Okay!

Reba: I almost forgot the juiciest part of the story.

DBM: There’s honey to it too?

Reba: Lol. Before the girl left my office, she asked if any part of me didn’t love my husband, she was begging me to set him free so she can have him. Because every part of her body loves him.

DBM: No!

Reba: Yes

DBM: Hell to the no!

Reba: Lol. Yes, Dave.

DBM: Oh-la-la! The savior of the lover boy has arrived. She’s come to save his heart with her love.

Reba: That was the one thing she said that made me like her. Girl knows what she wants. Lol.

Image Credit: Laark Studio

A Piece Of My Thoughts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I’ve been following the court case/sentencing/verdict reading of Latoshia Daniels, who killed her pastor Brodes Perry. The jury found her guilty and was charged with first degree murder. Facing the rest of your life in prison isn’t cute. It’s rather unfortunate but this is what really caught my attention; her reasons for doing what she did, “He broke my heart”. That was her excuse.

So, Latoshia had been married and divorced twice. The two ex-husbands were behaving typically like what most/some men do, entertaining other women on the side and lying about it. Now, it was taking her a bit of time to recover from the betrayal of her ex-husband, and so she decided to try a new route: church. She joined this new church and built a healthy community sort-of. To the extent that, she became one of the church’s small group leaders. Latoshia was a mental health professional. In that small group she led was the late pastor Brodes Perry. He was an Associate pastor at the church. Perry was married and also handled part of the youth ministry in the church.

He built friendship with Ms. Daniels because she seemed to be loved by most of the people in the church. Over time, Latoshia found trust in their friendship, and decided one day to share her life’s experience with Brodes. Including details about her past marriages. The second time they met in the office, Pastor Perry told her he had been trying his darndest best not to cross the lines with her but couldn’t, and so he kissed her and they ended up making out in the office for the first time. The act, Latoshia claims confused her.

That was the beginning of their relationship. Prior to them officially beginning with what Pastor Brodes termed an Ethical non-monogamy relationship, he had rules, that according to him, all the women in his life followed. An indirect contractual agreement. She was not supposed to approach him in public because he would probably be with another woman, or his wife. She was not supposed to have any clothes on anytime it was her turn to meet with him in a room. He would give stipends as and when he deemed fit and wasn’t supposed to expect it. I read a comment from another young lady who allegedly was also involved with Brodes, that the ladies were at liberty to gift him any and everything, but he wasn’t obliged to reciprocate. And because he was a married man, he wasn’t going to marry any of the women he was dealing with. The rules and conditions were many, but these are the ones I am choosing to highlight.

Latoshia, unfortunately, fell in love with this man and started to do a lot for him to notice her. She spent money and gifts on him. In as much as she knew she was doing the wrong thing dating a married man, she believed herself to be a good woman, smart, and decent. According to her account, the head pastor at the church knew about her relationship with Pastor Perry, and nothing was said/done about it; meaning… (You can fill in the blanks). Yhup! A boy child will only follow or do what he sees his father do.

Why did she kill pastor Brodes? According to her, his behavior and communication was undermining her well-being and happiness. He manipulated her, had no respect for her or her boundaries during intimacy, and would emotionally, physically or psychologically harm her – depending on his mood swings. He constantly dismissed her feelings and it was diminishing her self-esteem over time. He disregarded her needs and would only prioritize his own desires without regard for mutual respect or compromise. His control and dominance over her and the other women were deliberate and it broke something in her to push her into pulling the trigger.

It’s sad that she allowed the foolishness of a man to make her act foolish. Any relationship that is putting fire in your belly, or making your gut feeling uncomfortable is a sign to take a back seat, and learn everything you can about the person you’re dealing with. His behavior will someway, somehow escalate from toxicity to abuse; especially men who talk to, or about women anyhow. If he’s criticizing your opinions or choices the least chance he gets, it simply means a day is coming – he may eventually resort to some form of severe abuse, which, if you’re not careful, may tempt you to react in a manner you’re not ready for.

Do not subject yourself to any form of disrespect, all in the name of love. Love is supposed to be kind to you. Kind in words. Kind in actions. Kind in deeds.

A piece of my thought.

David Bondze-Mbir

Grandma’s Necklace

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My mother passed on to me a gold necklace her mother gave to her. My grandmother had it custom made, designed and welded in Germany in the 1960’s. Dave, it is a 24 karat 100% gold chain. Its purity, weight and unique craftsmanship should give you an idea of its value. My mother only wore it twice or thrice in her lifetime. My grandmother wore it twice or thrice. I wore it only on my wedding day to honor the women in my life. They had passed it on to the next generation as a form of financial security in case life got worse. It’s always been in a safe storage at home till it suddenly got missing last year. No thief had broken into our home and we have two small children who can barely lift their shoes.

My husband is the only one who know where I keep it in our bedroom. I had searched everywhere in the house but could not find it. He swore he hadn’t seen it anywhere. In July 2025, their offices organized a dinner function and I was his +1. He was introducing me to some of his colleagues at the gathering. A young lady from their office walked towards us to introduce herself to me. She was wearing my grandmother’s necklace. It was the first thing that caught my attention. My husband hadn’t even noticed it yet. I asked her if I could touch it and feel the rubies and sapphires encrusted in it. Then I saw my husband panic. I turned it to confirm because my grand mother had her initials slightly engraved behind one of the emeralds. It was there. I asked her where she bought it and this was her reply, “My fiancé gave it to me a sign of his love for me. It was a gift from his grandmother to be given to the woman his heart beats for.”

A second look at my husband and you could see he wished the ground would open and swallow him whole. I have resented him over this since the function and he’s been apologizing and promising to get it back. Since I realized it had been stolen from my safe, I have become very suspicious of my husband. I started looking closely at all of our, especially, his financial records to be sure he didn’t owe people money. I am seriously considering divorce the moment he returns my jewelry. I am already in talks with my lawyer. I know it sounds a bit harsh but what this man has done to me is reprehensible.

Image Credit:  Karen Laårk Boshoff

Whole Face In

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Brother Bernard: Hello Mr. David. I have a best friend that I thought I wouldn’t know what to do without. She was really special to me. She’s the one person who knows how to make me laugh out a little louder. I visited her a couple of months ago and I was very hungry. I wanted us to go out and eat but she insisted on cooking for me. She already had a leftover stew in her fridge so I asked her to put rice on fire for me to eat with it. I was walking barefooted looking around her house when I thought I had seen her spit in the stew she was warming up for me. She turned around to see if anyone had seen her. I moved back quickly to escape her glance. Then I heard her hawk her throat lightly, which made me tiptoe to check her out. She had spat a nasty huge slimy globule into the stew and did same into the rice cooker before setting it to cook.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What the actual fuck!

Brother Bernard: Dave

DBM: Tell me you confronted the hell outta her?

Brother Bernard: I was stunned

DBM: Did you confront her?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t

DBM: What do you mean you couldn’t?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t

DBM: You did not eat that damn food, no?

Brother Bernard: I couldn’t refuse to

DBM: You ate?

Brother Bernard: I ate

DBM: Define the kind of relationship you two have

Brother Bernard: Friendship with a little bit of benefits. We had established that we feel sexually attracted to each other because we are always spending time together. And alcohol is sometimes involved.

DBM: Are you dating?

Brother Bernard: No

DBM: Are you dating anyone?

Brother Bernard: I am married.

DBM: So, at what point in your married life do you get to ‘always spend time together’ with her?

Brother Bernard: As I said, she’s a special friend. I have other close friends I hang out with too

DBM: Is she part of the people you’re ‘seeing’?

Brother Bernard: She’s simply an occasional engagement in casual sex without any of us actually having to commit to a relationship.

DBM: Just like you are with the other women?

Brother Bernard: Lol.

DBM: Why are you in my inbox?

Brother Bernard: I wanted to use your platform to let her know I know what she did

DBM: She follows my page?

Brother Bernard: I don’t know. I was thinking since your page sometimes can go viral, she might get to see it.

DBM: The fact that you embraced her level of disrespect towards you glamorously and chose to avoid difficult truths, I do not pity you one bit.

Brother Bernard: Just because I did not confront her doesn’t mean I am not actively fighting back. Showing all my cards isn’t strategy.

DBM: Tell me, what’s on your card?

Brother Bernard: I also don’t want to miss out on one of the most defining friendships of my life. That’s why I am not too quick to judge. Dave, this is a girl I enjoy eating her out.

DBM: What has that got to do with anything?

Brother Bernard: I ate the food without complaint because she’s a woman I love to kiss, and kiss along her thighs and can lick her outer labia to make her quiver and moan. If I’m able to use my tongue, my lips, nose, cheeks and even my chin to get all in on the action, then a spit wasn’t anything to be angry about, though disappointed.

DBM: Good luck with your whole face in.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Learning To Co-Parent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Enyonyam: Hello David. How are you? I would like to share a situation I find myself in to get your views and that of your audience.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing? Sorry for the late response. I am just seeing your message.

Enyonyam: Hi David. I am excited! Finally, I got you. Thank you for getting back to me. My story goes like this, Dave. My ex-husband and I were long time friends before we started dating. At the time I believed we were good friends. I never anticipated that the friendship would end up in a relationship. I did not envision that from the onset considering the nature of our friendship. Fast forward, we got married. I must confess I put everything into the marriage. Prior to the marriage, he had a son which he hid from me and only disclosed when we were making preparations to get married. I felt betrayed and felt he was not trustworthy considering the fact that he could conceal such information. However, based on the advice of close friends on his side I agreed. Soon after our marriage, he started exhibiting signs I never saw during our dating. He became mean and was reluctant to make love to me. I noticed a change of behavior at the onset of the marriage. I must confess he was not financially okay at the time, and I was also not in a good position to assist.

DBM: What advice did his close friends give to you?

Enyonyam: That since the mother of the child was married and there was less chance of him going back to her, I had no cause to worry. They assured he was a better person now too.

DBM: Interesting! I am listening.

Enyonyam: So, I was also convinced because he carried himself so well. Everyone viewed him as an ‘angel’. He was religious and down to earth as society would usually say. Dave my issue is the person I encountered in marriage comes nowhere near the image perceived by people around him. In fact, no one believed me at the time. I fell into depression especially as a nursing mother, faced career issues because I wasn’t mentally stable and many more. Eventually I had to leave the marriage.

DBM: Did you at least, bother to find out from him when he got the lady pregnant exactly where his headspace was when he cheated?

Enyonyam: Let me clarify. He had that child years before he met me. So, my issue was why he did not disclose that he had a child. His explanation was that it was a one-off sexual encounter that resulted in pregnancy. That incident he claimed was not reflective of his character.

DBM: Oh, okay! I get it now.

Enyonyam: Thanks. So back to the reason I left the marriage. I was emotionally abused and neglected. But Dave, one of the main reasons for leaving the marriage was that he started engaging with an ex-girlfriend when we got married. When I found out and confronted him, he denied and would rather feign anger. Fast forward when I was convinced that he was indeed having the affair, I left. This ex-girlfriend was married at the time of their affair. Meaning they were both married. She left her husband whilst he continued to emotionally abuse me so that I left the marriage rather.

DBM: If I choose to be abusive, disrespectful or unfaithful to my partner, I am very much aware that I am making a choice that’s unfair, certainly uncaring and selfish. So, he knew exactly what he was doing to you, unfortunately.

Enyonyam: I feel better knowing this because at a point I felt I was mentally unstable. He would make me doubt my reality and tell everyone I am making up stories. That he was not cheating.

DBM: I am so sorry about that.

Enyonyam: Thankfully, shortly after our divorce, they remarried. I use the word ‘thankfully because I feel vindicated.

DBM: Ha!

Enyonyam: I feel I was not making up stories. Everyone makes it appear you left because you were not ‘marriage material’ which I care little about because I know my worth and know how much I poured into the marriage.

DBM: People will talk no matter what. That is how come I hardly would respond to anyone and their perceptions of me.

Enyonyam: I must learn to master same too

DBM: Lol!

Enyonyam: So, my concern now is how do I co parent peacefully with him knowing that his wife broke our home. She knew very much about me. She gave us a wedding gift during our wedding. Gave us clothes for the baby during the naming ceremony. I feel so pained knowing how insensitive and selfish they both have been and the fact that they have displaced a young child from his home. The thought of single parenting breaks me. I cannot envision my child going to her. I am not bitter but describing how I feel seems so but I can assure you that I am at peace.

DBM: Is she the same lady he had a kid with prior to meeting you?

Enyonyam: No. This one was married for about 5 years and had no child out of that marriage. She left her marriage just when we got married. She appears to have money and it appears he went in for her money.

DBM: I see. Or he might have also gone in for love. It could be anything

Enyonyam: Well, it is possible. I am just wondering if love defies everything including abandoning your home and child to have an affair with a married woman who later becomes his wife. I cannot judge. I have chosen not to question his choice. The reason I left to find someone who appreciates me.

DBM: While it’s important to maintain a stable front for the sake of your children, have you felt all of your feelings after the split with your ex?

Enyonyam: No. I am not angry he chose another woman over me. I am still hurt that he would cause my son to go through the pain of not having both parents under the same roof. The pain of knowing what divorce does to children and also especially because this is his second time of having a child and not playing any significant role in their upbringing. He believes once he sends monthly stipend he is carrying out his fatherly duties. I see fatherhood as a bigger concept than financial provision. I am struggling and need help on how to handle issues of the betrayal alongside raising a son who will not grow up to be like him in this regard.

DBM: You need to give yourself space to feel all these emotions. Do you sometimes feel tempted to bad-mouth your ex-husband around your son?

Enyonyam: No, I have never done that. What I struggle with is letting him around him completely. I feel he will not have a good influence on him. At the same time, I know a child needs a father. Also, the nature of the betrayal makes it difficult to trust him and his wife completely.

DBM: Your child doesn’t just need his father. He needs structure and consistency from the both of you. How you both choose to express discipline and whatever kind of boundaries to the expectations of both households is what needs to be discussed right now. You need to put the betrayal and the parties that contributed to it aside and come up with a reliable framework for your son’s sake.

Enyonyam: I agree but I must confess consistency has never been a thing on his part. I am happy to work towards something that would work for my son.

DBM: Have you two ever agreed on anything since the divorce?

Enyonyam: Yes, to some extent. We have some agreed terms. I must confess I have found it difficult communicating with him. I would rather stay in my corner than reach out to him. It’s something I am struggling with. And this is because I would rather do it all rather than experience the disappointments all over. When you expect him to do something he won’t and vice versa.

DBM: Is he the type of person who would be willing to parent his child with you as a united front, or he’s the type to rather parent separately? Because from what you are telling me, you would rather do yours separately for the sake of your peace of mind.

Enyonyam: I honestly cannot tell what the dynamics would be now. What I can say is he previously never cared about significant issues such as milestones, educational progress etc. of our son. After the divorce and when he noticed people were advising him to pay heed to child and also that I had set strong boundaries, he started showing interest in the child. So, I am not sure what his parenting style would be now. I am only wondering? Do I sound bitter if I do not want his wife around my son. Or unhealed if I feel she cannot be trusted.

DBM: Do you want to know what I really think or you want to hear what I want you to hear?

Enyonyam: No, I want to know what you think because I want to be a better version of myself. I am still on my healing journey.

DBM: Learn to let go of your control so you can be open to trusting him and his wife to have your son’s best interest at heart when he’s there visiting. I know some things still does not make sense to you but try.

Enyonyam: Thanks so much for acknowledging it does not come easy. I will do my best.

Image Credit: Katrin Bolovtsova

The London Effect

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Otwuaba: Dave, can you help me apologize to my husband?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oo oh! What did you do?

Otwuaba: I left him for another man after he had brought me to London.

DBM: Why would you do something like that?

Otwuaba: I was talking to another man that I really liked.

DBM: Before or after marriage?

Otwuaba: Before.

DBM: And he knew you had married your husband?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: Why did you get married?

Otwuaba: Because my husband already had plans of letting me join him in the UK after marriage.

DBM: What were the plans of the other guy for you?

Otwuaba: He loves me. We’re still together. It’s just that he’s the type that wants to take things slow. I always wanted to be with him but it was taking a lot of time for him to save money for his ticket to Ghana, etc. He wasn’t going to marry me anytime soon, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

DBM: Are you still married to your husband?

Otwuaba: Yes

DBM: Where do I come in to help with your apology?

Otwuaba: He follows you on Facebook. I want him to know I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.

DBM: No! Let’s not do that. You knew exactly what you were doing, so you just can’t pretend you didn’t.

Otwuaba: I knew what I was doing but I also loved my husband. It’s just that I loved the other man more

DBM: Does the other guy still think you’re single?

Otwuaba: No. I told him I got married but had to separate

DBM: Does he know you got married to your husband because you needed an escape route to London?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: What does he know about your husband?

Otwuaba: Not much

DBM: What is your family saying about what you’ve done?

Otwuaba: They’re disappointed in me

DBM: I see. Why haven’t you divorced your husband?

Otwuaba: I can’t

DBM: Why not? You’re with another man, no?

Otwuaba: I am on his UK Spouse Visa, and I only have a limited permission to stay in the UK.

DBM: Why hasn’t your husband informed the UK Visas and Immigration in writing to provide them with your full details and entry clearance? He should have your reference number, no?

Otwuaba: Yes

DBM: What you have done to that man jeopardizes your visa status, you know that, don’t you?

Otwuaba: I know

DBM: You’re not concerned about that?

Otwuaba: I am but not really.

DBM: Why not?

Otwuaba: I think my husband actually loves me and might be extending grace my way

DBM: Grace for whatever reason?

Otwuaba: He believes I might come back to him

DBM: Would you?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: And, he knows that?

Otwuaba: I think so. Also, I think he knew I wasn’t all that in with him. Maybe, he assured me of bringing me here to take my mind off the other guy.

DBM: Did he know the other man was in UK?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: You really played him uh?

Otwuaba: Not entirely, but he became a means to an end.

DBM: The man you are with, is he not interested in learning about your past? Is he not asking questions about your family, your background, getting to know your friends? Is no one in your circle telling him what you’ve done to your husband?

Otwuaba: He gets to know what I want him to know.

DBM: Is he not part of your social media?

Otwuaba: No

DBM: I see. So, what does the future look like with him?

Otwuaba: We’re still together. It’s been 2 years.

DBM: Oh my!

Otwuaba: I am pregnant

DBM: What is so special about him?

Otwuaba: He’s white. I’ve always wanted to have a mixed-race child.

DBM: So, it’s just about children?

Otwuaba: 80% about children.

DBM: What constitutes the 20%?

Otwuaba: Being married to a handsome white man. Dave, white men tend to be faithful to their wives. He is family oriented. This guy helps with the home. For example, he’s been making the bed every morning. He helps me cook or he will simply be the one cooking for us. Before we got pregnant, he had been discussing how he’s looking forward to changing our baby’s diapers, taking him on a stroll, babysitting him while I rest. He goes grocery shopping with me; he’s willing to wash dishes and take the trash out. He cleans the tables and chairs and then set them up. He makes time to talk to me every day. And he’s been consistent with his actions these two years. African men are not like that.

DBM: I am like that. There are a ton of hands-on men and husbands like that.

Otwuaba: I haven’t met one yet. All the men I’ve dated, including my husband have to be told what to do before they will grudgingly make the attempt. They feel their only responsibility is to give money and pay fees.

DBM: Did your husband discuss the kind of future he had in mind for you?

Otwuaba: Yes

DBM: What was it like?

Otwuaba: Marry me, bring me to the UK and have children.

DBM: That was that?

Otwuaba: Yes. Dave, let’s call a spade a spade. What kind of future do most African men have for their wives? You tell me since you’re one of them

DBM: The kind of future I have for my family is where my dreams live. And the dream included my partner. That is why we got married in the first place. We’ve been building on this future for the past seven years. If a man loves you like the way your husband did, he includes you in his future plans. Marrying you and bringing you to the UK is part of those plans. What have you done!

Otwuaba: I’ve apologized to him and I want to say I am sorry again.

DBM: What have you done!

Otwuaba: He knows I’m sorry

DBM: I’m sorry but sorry is not good enough. Why would you take advantage of someone’s kindness and love for you like that?

Otwuaba: Can you help me find him a good woman?

DBM: Are you kidding me?

Otwuaba: Lol! I’m serious Dave.

DBM: What do your in-laws make of what you’ve done?

Otwuaba: I don’t think they know. My husband hasn’t told them. They still call and talk to me as if everything is normal. They don’t know we don’t live together.

Image Credit: Mike Jones

Truth Will Set Us Free

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kukua: My husband and the Chief Financial Officer at their firm were stealing from their company. I confronted him at first and he denied. He insisted I was accusing him of theft without evidence, and so I contacted his boss through his wife, who is my friend, and made him aware of my suspicions. They conducted a thorough investigation into the matter before hiding cameras in smoke detectors at their offices and marked all of the bills. They caught them in the act three weeks after I had made it known to his boss. Their employments were terminated and charges pressed against them. They are currently serving a 7-year jail term. Dave, I know I went to the extreme with this but I was very disappointed in my husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did you know he was stealing?

Kukua: I eavesdropped on him on two occasions at home when he had to sneak out of bed at dawn to answer a call out of the bedroom. I went through a few of his messages on phone with the finance guy whenever he slept deep, and it had been going on for years. The evidence during court proceedings showed my husband alone had made away with almost 650k. I honestly thought I was married to a man of integrity and honor.

DBM: You have kids?

Kukua: We have two boys together

DBM: Do you work?

Kukua: I work

DBM: Okay! So, the kids are well taken care of then?

Kukua: We can survive on my salary. Also, my husband’s boss asked his company to be sending me and the children a substantial amount every month towards their upkeep.

DBM: That’s kind of him. Do the kids know about their father’s whereabouts?

Kukua: Yes. He doesn’t want them to visit him in prison but they know he’s been incarcerated.

DBM: Do they know about his crime?

Kukua: Yes, I told them everything

DBM: Everything, meaning they know you were the one who snitched on him?

Kukua: Yes

DBM: How do they feel about that?

Kukua: I have raised my boys to do the right things. They know what the right thing is, and have the strength of character to do and stand by it.

DBM: Good for you!

Kukua: My husband is asking for a divorce

DBM: Do you want a divorce?

Kukua: No

DBM: You have my sympathy by the way. I pray you figure out the best way to navigate yourself through this mess.

Kukua: Thank you. It’s a whole lot of mess. My in-laws are mad at me. His friends are mad at me. Everyone is mad at me.

DBM: You can’t fix a marriage with only one interested party

Kukua: Everything I’ve done, I’ve done out of love

DBM: He feels betrayed

Kukua: He did wrong. He committed a crime.

DBM: I concur. Find yourself a good lawyer and look out for your interests.

Kukua: My husband is my favorite interest. I have apologized for getting him locked up but he doesn’t want to hear it. He shuts down and would get defensive. It’s so frustrating

DBM: You questioned his character with your accusation, and now, being in jail belittles him. That is part of the emotional triggers he’s battling with.

Kukua: Do you think I did the wrong thing?

DBM: You did the right thing, though in a typical man’s thinking, what you did was none of your business.

Kukua: My husband can testify that I have been his source of support anytime he felt insecure or challenged. But I wasn’t going to stand up for him and publicly show my support for a wrongdoing. He was robbing my friend’s husband’s business. The same business that was supporting his livelihood. That wasn’t right.

DBM: I agree with you. I am just putting my male-thinking cap on to make you realize how he also might be feeling. A man expects his partner to protect him through thick and thin, because we believe it would go a long way to help everyone at the end of the day, including the kids.

Kukua: Let me tell you what else their investigations brought to the attention of the court; my husband was channeling the funds to build two, three separate bedroom homes. One of the properties was in the name of our first son, which I knew nothing of; and the other was in the name of a lady he had impregnated. Dave, mind you, I did not know anything about any of this. It came as a shock to me in court. And, I got to know of, and met his side-piece in court, heavily pregnant.

DBM: Oh no!

Kukua: That is how low he descended

DBM: You are 100% sure you did not call him out because he was having an affair?

Kukua: I did not know about that. And I would have confronted him if I knew about an affair. I told you; I used to go through his phone because I was curious about what he was up to with the Finance Officer.

DBM: Wow!

Kukua: Yeah, wow. My husband will deny doing something wrong while doing something wrong. Tell me, Dave, how do I protect a man from doing something wrong in situations where he feels there is no wrong?

DBM: This is a tough one

Kukua: Do you think he will ever forgive me? Because I know my marriage is worth fighting for

DBM: He will never forgive you. Let me tell you a true story. I know of three ladies in Ghana. They are all my cool friends. They are all divorced, unfortunately. Before their individual divorces, they had shared with me separate incidences where their ex-husbands had physically abused them. Two were choked and held down while being severely beaten during a heated argument; the other was punched in the face, slapped and pushed to the ground. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her across the room in the presence of their children. I remember one of their kids narrating to me – how he heard and saw his dad insult his mum, while pulling her on the ground by the hair. All the ladies made a police case out of the assaults, and got their men arrested. They were put behind bars for 24-hour or less. Families of these men had to come in to apologize to their in-laws before they withdrew their charges against them. None of the ex-husband forgave their wives. They held the police incidents over their heads till they divorced them.

Kukua: That’s sad

DBM: Your husband is currently plotting his next move. And, it will be against you. It’s better to have a plan ‘A’ to ‘D’ before his release.

Kukua: I don’t know

DBM: You said he’s asking for a divorce, no?

Kukua: Yes

DBM: Look, I am no perfect person but I am telling you this for a fact: This your husband made conscious choices that ultimately led him to every single decision he has taken. He stepped out on your marriage and got another woman pregnant. Let him just keep stepping after prison. Understand that he made calculated choices to cross a series of boundaries. Grant him the divorce he’s requesting.

Kukua: Let me just pray about it. Thanks Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

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