Let’s Talk To Ulani

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 176: Ulani

DBM: Hi Ulani. How would you describe yourself?

Ulani: I am usually doing what I love, especially if it is what I believe to be made for. But it hasn’t always been that clear and I must admit, I have stumbled quite a few times.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ulani: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ulani: My husband is suggesting to me to find another man to be in a relationship with, and I think I am willing to go out there to find him.

DBM: Are you separated or in the process of getting divorced?

Ulani: No. We’re still married

DBM: I’m confused

Ulani: He’s impregnated another lady, and is expecting his third child. I am unhappy about his actions, and I think this no longer serves the goals we had during the start of our relationship. Also, I am the one doing so much around the house, and with the children. It’s stressing me out.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ulani: 8 years

DBM: How many kids?

Ulani: 2

DBM: What goals did you set at the beginning of your relationship?

Ulani: We made a decision to always attend to our relationship so we don’t run the risk of becoming complacent and stagnant. At the moment, I feel like there is no real connection or intimacy. He doesn’t know what’s going on in my mind and I am not interested in knowing what is going on in his.

DBM: Was his suggestion of finding another man to shut you up or it’s an indication of him not being happy in the marriage with you?

Ulani: My husband knows that I speak up and would directly spell out my wants and needs as honest as possible to give him the chance to be there for me in ways I desire. I have encouraged the same from him. If he was not happy, he could have made me know.

DBM: I see

Ulani: I want to start dating again

DBM: While married?

Ulani: Is it a crime? Others are doing it! Besides, in my heart, we’ve broken up. He’s moved on; just yet to move out. We’re rarely in the same space though we live together

DBM: Question

Ulani: Ask

DBM: Are you mad at him? Angry, hurt, embittered, etc.

Ulani: I am only disappointed in my husband. He let me down. He let us down by betraying our dream. I feel like he took our history and experience for granted.

DBM: Have you told him this?

Ulani: I have

DBM: And?

Ulani: He said it’s already happened and there’s nothing he can do change reality

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Ulani: I do not, unfortunately. But I used to

DBM: If you really are considering dating another man before your divorce is final, please do consider getting some legal guidance first. I feel like it could be used against you

Ulani: Used against me?

DBM: Yes. A new relationship could potentially harm you in court

Ulani: I have no intention of using his situation against him, so why would he use something against me?

DBM: I don’t know the extent things have gone out of hand, but I feel like you will still keep him in your life to co-parent your children. You need to consider his feelings, no?

Ulani: I have considered his feelings. He knows I am no longer interested in giving him my best, and he’s cool with it

DBM: How about your children?

Ulani: What about them?

DBM: Have you considered the confusion this arrangement might bring to them? Seeing their mother and father with other people, etc. I am only looking at the devastation it comes with

Ulani: Our first child is indifferent. We talked about it and he is very much in support of mummy finding another man to make me happy. He says his father is very happy with Aunty Aba, and he is excited about his new baby brother or sister in her womb.

DBM: How old is your son?

Ulani: 7

DBM: And he knows about the other woman?

Ulani: Yes. His father takes them along on weekends to see her.

DBM: I see. How old is the second child?

Ulani: She’s 5

DBM: I see.

Ulani: You see a lot. What do you see?

DBM: Lol!

Ulani: I’m excited about going on the dating world again. Any advice from Mr. David Bondze-Mbir?

DBM: I don’t know.

Ulani: Really?

DBM: Just be thinking seriously about the long-term impact a man will make on your life, and most importantly, your psyche.

Ulani: Can I ask a personal question?

DBM: Yes please

Ulani: What made you choose the person you married?

DBM: We all have our criteria and checklists when looking for love. I set out to find that person who could make me forget about my list.

Ulani: Oh wow!

DBM: Love and, or marriage should not at any point be a weight around your neck. It should be an experience of open doors of possibility and grace.

Ulani: Is that what you have?

DBM: That is all I give, and have been given thus far

Ulani: Lucky You

DBM: Why?

Ulani: I feel like a failure. 8 years of my life all gone to the drain

DBM: You only feel this way if you think you did not live for you, but rather lived for someone else. Eight years of building an experience with the one you loved isn’t waste. It’s a win with lessons to be learned.

Ulani: You think so?

DBM: I believe so. The way you nurtured this relationship into marriage is the same way you will nourish the next relationship into something good.

Ulani: But my husband messed it up for me

DBM: It’s his loss, not yours. A man who cannot be true to his vows cannot make a relationship with another person a priority.

Ulani: You’re a good counselor.

DBM: I am not a counselor. I only enjoy chatting with people when I am in the mood. Participant 175, Shalom, left a question for you: ‘What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

Ulani: I love to make love in the bedroom but I also want variety. So, I keep sex exciting by exploring new places to play with my man. I scream and orgasm a lot when we fuck in the kitchen, car or the chair in our backyard. Sex in new areas is fun and would present creative opportunities to experiment roleplay

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ulani: Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ricaldo Donaldson