Tag: Betrayal

Belongings

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lerato: Hello David. I hope this message finds you well. I was married to my husband for 17 years before his unforeseen death in October, 2025. He showed up in my life when I needed a good laugh with someone. Laughing together was actually what bonded us in our relationship. I was married to a man who constantly made the attempt to win my heart over again. For 17 years, he never stopped flirting with me. He did not stop surprising me with gifts and random kisses here and there. He was the first to wake up in the mornings and I would wake up to handwritten notes of appreciation and acknowledgement. I did not have to drive my car to the filling station to buy fuel because he made it a habit to fill my tank anytime he noticed it was getting low. He made my heart swoon because he thought I was special. I was a happy and grateful wife for 17 years.

Until March, 2026, when I mustered courage to go through some of his belongings. In one of the books hidden behind his shelves in his study, I came across pictures, letters, small notes and phone numbers and email addresses of a second family he had created that I had no idea of. I found pictures of him and his two other children, who were younger than my own three kids with him. There were pictures of him and his second wife’s engagement ceremony. The shock of my life that is currently shaking the entire foundation of my world. My faithful and perfect husband never breathed a single word or hint about them to me. I’ve been trying to do the math but it’s not adding up. At what point in our marriage did he find the time to go and start a second family?

David, everything I believed about my dear husband, his love for me and our marriage has now been thrown into question. And the worse part, I will never be able to confront him about my discovery. I am never going to get closure. I don’t know who to talk to about my findings.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): As sad and uncomfortable as this may sound, he’s not here for you to cuss him out or demand his accountability. You need to understand that you are not in the wrong here. You have no reason what-so-ever to feel shame about your finding. I am telling you for a fact that, men harbor secret lives more often than you women do. And that’s why for whatever strange reason – a lot more men are dying prematurely than women. He made his bed six feet under, and is resting peacefully in it. When a man intentionally lies to you, or chooses to hide a fundamental truth from you to avoid accountability or take responsibility for something, he’s always had it in whatever his love for you was packaged in – an intention to deceive you one day. Do you have access to his phone?

Lerato: No

DBM: Where is his phone?

Lerato: With my mother-in-law

DBM: Why is your husband’s phone with his mother?

Lerato: I haven’t even thought of it. My mother-in-law was here in October to December, 2025. My husband was buried in December, and my son told me in November that he had seen his father’s phone in his grandmother’s possession. In one of the many pictures hidden in the book was my mother-in-law and the children of the other woman when they were babies.

DBM: She’s been in the known. She’s known all this while and had made the decision to keep it from you too. His siblings are probably in the known too. That’s the kind of family you’re married into.

Lerato: How stupid of me. I’ve been so trusting and clueless.

DBM: That doesn’t also mean you should be cherry-picking your memories of him. He was human, with all of his complexities. Your husband was flawed but he was also tender. He’s dead, and it’s your choice to fondly remember him for who and what he meant to you – though he kinda, sucks now.

Lerato: Do I reach out to the other woman and her children?

DBM: Do you want to?

Lerato: No

DBM: Then don’t. You don’t have to accept them in your grief or adopt them as your family. Your mother-in-law will continue to take on that role since she’s been kind and welcoming to them.

Lerato: How about my kids, do I need to tell them about their half-siblings?

DBM: There is never a perfect time to disclose this kind of information to anyone. Do it when you feel the time is right. Is that time right now?

Lerato: No

DBM: Exactly! This is going to be big news for any child. It is big enough news even for you – as it’s still influencing your feelings and thought processes. So, just make sure you know exactly how you feel about all that you have discovered, and whether or not you can be as objective and neutral as possible before breaking the news to your children.

Lerato: Ok. Thank you

Image Credit: Dydx Dominic 

Rescuing Little Me

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Trudie: When I was 15 years old, one of my teachers told me he was in love with me. I was returning books he had given me to study and it was my first time being touched inappropriately in a sexual way. I was clothed when it first happened. There were times he would volunteer to teach me at his home and would engage in all sorts of sexual activities in front of me. He’s forced me to watch him masturbate twice before. He would watch pornography while I solved past questions in his living room. My parents trusted him and I thought I could too, because he was nice to me. We were in the same church together. I couldn’t talk about what he had exposed me to, to my parents because I thought and was convinced it was normal. I didn’t also think my parents would believe me if I told them. Also, I started to develop affection for him. I was not into him but I was pretty sure even at that young age that he was into me or fond of me. I cared about him and didn’t want to get him into trouble.

I started to avoid him after the weekend I believe he slipped something in my drink and had penetrative sex with me without my consent. I had never had sexual intercourse or penetrative vaginal sex with anyone before that incident. And because of my suspicions, I avoided spending time alone with him.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM) How old was he?

Trudie: He was in his 30’s I think. I do not have proof of my accusation but I believe he forced himself on me before I woke up from my nap. My pantie was soiled and had been shifted. There were blood stains. Also, I saw two drops of semen on my thigh. My teacher was sleeping in another chair opposite mine, with a towel within easy reach. That towel wasn’t in sight when I arrived. Dave, I’d only drank the coke he offered me. So, I was shocked and really confused.

DBM: Was that day the first time he had offered you a drink at his house?

Trudie: No

DBM: How often had you fallen asleep during one of your visits to him?

Trudie: I can remember only four or five occasions. I was every so often very tired and couldn’t follow through with the extra tuition after drinking the coca cola. Why would a grown man have sex with a girl in her sleep?

DBM: How old are you now?

Trudie: 34

DBM: I wouldn’t classify what you believe he did to you as sex. That was rape.

Trudie: Do you think I might have consented in my sleep?

DBM: Agreeing to take part in sex is a choice one makes. Were you in that sane capacity to agree to, or make the choice to be intimate with your teacher?

Trudie: No

DBM: Exactly! You were unconscious and asleep. And a sleeping woman doesn’t pose a threat to a male coward. An absent woman is easy to prey on. Let me re-imagine your incident in this other scenario: you woke up from a deep sleep only to find a stranger going through your personal belongings. How would that make you feel or react? Replace that picture of your personal things with your actual body being touched and intruded into without your knowledge.

Trudie: He raped me

DBM: And it wasn’t your fault. You did not do anything to deserve this.

Trudie: I recently met him and his family at an event and he has a 15-year-old daughter. I was suddenly affected by what he did to me because I had never raised that discussion with him. Since I met him and his family, I have been angry at myself for staying quiet. Can I report him to the police or draw his wife and daughter’s attention to what he did to me?

Image Credit: Danily UK

The Man He’s Not

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Rawline: Hi David. Please do me a favor. This is a picture of my husband making out with the man he’s been sleeping with. Can you post their faces on your page for me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Why would I post something like that?

Rawline: You’re not going to post it?

DBM: Make a post of it on your own timeline.

Rawline: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Rawline: I’m preparing to file for divorce.

DBM: Contact Cila or Manokekame. They might consider posting it.

Rawline: Why don’t you want to share my story?

DBM: This is not a story. You want to humiliate your husband. My platform is not for such purposes. You’re conducting a revenge campaign.

Rawline: Why are men so heartless?

DBM: Some men, not all men

Rawline: I don’t understand why my husband would do this to me

DBM: Have you confronted him about this picture?

Rawline: No. The other guy is also married.

DBM: Confront him!

Rawline: What do I gain from that?

DBM: You live in a society that pushes men like your husband to cower in the closet because of their sexual orientation.

Rawline: What has that got to do with the fact that the man I have children with is a homosexual?

DBM: How did you get this image?

Rawline: Does it matter? I’ve had my husband followed for months. They’ve been meeting at a rented apartment. I got a camera installed. I have a full video of them in the act.

DBM: Let him know you have in your possession, evidence of him being intimate with another man. Let him know you know he’s having sex with men.

Rawline: Dave, all these years I’ve been in a trauma bond with this narcissist and liar. His actions towards me made me believe I was the cause of his unhappiness in the marriage. Why are men like that?

DBM: Some men, not all men.

Rawline: I have been left alone in this miserable marriage to be picking up the pieces.

DBM: I’m very sorry about that.

Rawline: Men are wicked David.

DBM: Can I ask questions?

Rawline: What?

DBM: You had no idea about his sexuality prior to marriage?

Rawline: No

DBM: You had no inkling of a sort?

Rawline: No.

DBM: How has your sex life been like?

Rawline: Normal. Dave, my husband is a strong man. He has no girlish tendencies. I had no suspicions.

DBM: How do you think you’ve both changed since you got married?

Rawline: I realized something was lacking weeks after we got married but I didn’t know what it was. There was no urgency in his desire for me. But when we’re in public, he’s excited about introducing me to his friends and colleagues. After the birth of our first child, he became angry and belligerent. I also realized how withdrawn and anxious he often was. So many things weren’t adding up which was confusing to me.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory of him?

Rawline: He loves our children and treats them better. He’s more loving towards them, he’s happy to see them. He is more enthusiastic when he’s talking to the children. He hugs them and kisses them, and would sacrifice his last money and free time for them. He is a good father and is more interested his children’s lives. But Dave, this marriage is broken and cannot be repaired.

DBM: Have you considered how your life would look like once you’re divorced?

Rawline: I have thought about it. I would rather be alone than to limit myself to a miserable life. I don’t want to model the wrong example of a marriage to my children by staying in a shitty situation. This is not what I signed up for. My issue is, if I had fallen in love with another man, because I wouldn’t want to have an affair, I would leave my husband. Why can’t men be honest with women? I always felt he had been acting differently. He was behaving as if he didn’t want to be with me while he was playing out his fantasies with other men. I was convinced I was the reason for his unhappiness.

DBM: This is your escape route if you’ve been feeling trapped in the marriage. It’s not healthy to endure hopelessness and misery. This is your perfect relief to leave behind all the pain.

Rawline: I really loved my husband, David. To now have to grieve the loss of the man I love, and a marriage I have invested so much of my youth, resources and everything heavily in, the future I thought we were building together as a family. All these years of my life spent with him was a sham. Who does that? I am going to publicly humiliate this guy for what he has done to me.

DBM: Things do not always feel fair or logical in life sometimes. The pain, hurt and fear you’re experiencing aren’t proof that your life is over. You’re not broken.

Rawline: I am broken, David.

DBM: Imagine your best friend came to you this very evening feeling the way you are feeling now – what would you say to her? What would your immediate instinct offer her? You’re not that broken, believe me. Offer yourself the very same kindness you would grace your best friend with. You can find a safe space to heal from this kind of betrayal. Do not lose sight of what gives your life meaning and purpose. Your husband, at this moment, is not your purpose to fulfill.

Rawline: Do you think he’s going to be gay forever?

DBM: I understand that you love him but you may want more from your marriage than he can ever offer you over time.

Rawline: Can a gay man love a woman?

DBM: I think so. If your husband has ever told you he loved you, he probably did. However, loving you doesn’t change his orientation

Rawline: Awwww. David. You’re making me cry. Thank you. I will go ahead with the divorce.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

And Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Carle: Hi Dave. Can I use your platform to apologize to my ex-wife?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What did you do to your wife?

Carle: I don’t want to share our personal issues with you. I just want a platform to apologize

DBM: Why do you want to use my platform? That’s my question

Carle: She comments on your page.

DBM: Okay!

Carle: Esi, I am so sorry. I couldn’t help it. I tried to stop. I know what I said many times to you but the truth is, you have always been there for me. You have always been willing to meet my needs. I betrayed your trust and let you down. For that, I am sorry. I am seeking the help I need. I thought what I was doing would make our marriage better. I have realized that you make me better. I want to be better. I want to be better for you. I really love you

DBM: You have to be better for yourself, not Esi.

Carle: Dave

DBM: What?

Carle: Please. Don’t start

DBM: No, seriously, have you sat with the fact that you intentionally, chose to hurt the woman who had trust in you?

Carle: How is that your concern?

DBM: Let me guess, you slipped a mistress in the equation, no? If you have something to hide, then you have something to protect.

Carle: I made a mistake and the guilt is keeping me up at night. I am ashamed of my actions and I have regrets because I destroyed our family. I just want to repair what has been broken.

DBM: A woman’s trust in you is very fragile. One careless misstep can fracture the relationship beyond repair if not appropriately addressed.

Carle: That is why I need a second chance.

DBM: Is this really your second chance? Or she had given you chance upon chance to do right by her and the marriage?

Carle: I made a mistake

DBM: How do you intend fixing a problem you’re still refusing to look at?

Carle: What do you mean?

DBM: You’re referring to your action as a ‘mistake’. How can you scar your wife’s heart with another person and call it a mistake?

Carle: I don’t need to explain myself to you

DBM: You addressed her as your ‘ex-wife’. Are you divorced?

Carle: Yes

DBM: For how long now?

Carle: 2 years

DBM: What were you doing these past two years?

Carle: Nothing

DBM: Were you dating any of the girls you made mistakes with?

Carle: Yes

DBM: Are you still together?

Carle: No

DBM: Why are you not together?

Carle: She left me

DBM: Why?

Carle: Because I wanted to be with my wife.

DBM: It’s up to your ex-wife to forgive you.

Carle: I’m hoping she would accept my apology.

DBM: She can decide not to accept this apology, and you’d have to respect that decision too.

Carle: I want to bring my family back together.

DBM: Fixing what you took for granted doesn’t start with her forgiveness. It begins with you, changing for real, and for the better.

Carle: I have changed

DBM: Good for you, but that wouldn’t necessarily push her toward the kind of decision you’re hoping for.

Carle: I just want her to read this message

DBM: And assuming she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you again after reading the message, you can use this experience as a learning opportunity and simply apply whatever it has taught you to future relationships. Every effort we put into a relationship matters to the integrity of its overall state.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Anna: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Anna: Not fine

DBM: What would make your day a bit fine?

Anna: I’m not sure at the moment

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Anna: I am being tempted to harm my husband. I want to hurt him so bad

DBM: We are not going to do that

Anna: Dave, if I am to tell you what he’s done

DBM: We’re still not going on that evil route. What will make you not execute that thought?

Anna: If I’m out of the house

DBM: Great! So, that’s what we’re going to plan. Are you open to that?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You have children?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: How old?

Anna: 7 and 9

DBM: Do you work?

Anna: Yes

DBM: What is your relationship like with your employer?

Anna: We’ve developed a meaningful one

DBM: Okay! Do you have a car?

Anna: I do

DBM: Do you have a personal rainy-day fund set aside for emergencies?

Anna: I have a personal savings account.

DBM: That your husband doesn’t know of?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You’re a smart woman. Marriage can be very complicated; reasons why I hope every woman would maintain a separate bank account even after opening a joint one with their partners for shared bills and other household purchases. You maintain that sense of financial independence. You also feel empowered, knowing you have claims to your own money.

Anna: I agree with you

DBM: How many days do you think you would need to clear your head?

Anna: Three weeks. Maybe, a month. I don’t know

DBM: Do you have the perfect excuse in your head that you feel your employers can buy into – to give you days off?

Anna: Not really. I don’t want to discuss my marital issues with people I know

DBM: Understood. Do you have any medical doctor friends?

Anna: I know of two

DBM: Two that you are close to?

Anna: I am very close to one. The other is just a friend of a friend.

DBM: Would the one you’re close to be willing to authenticate a report or note to excuse you from work for a month?

Anna: She would want to know why I need a fake report for work

DBM: Can you trust her with your problems?

Anna: Maybe.

DBM: You’re considering harming your husband. That is a mental health issue. At least, you know what you’re working with. Help her find reason in supporting your claim for a month off-work. She can come up with the perfect note to address the burnout you’re currently feeling.

Anna: Ok

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Anna: How do you know?

DBM: I just know.

Anna: I was really going to poison his drink or meal. He would have been placed in a medically induced coma and never woken up from it. My husband has broken my heart, Dave, and I am willing to make his heart stop.

DBM: But how are you able to get your hands on such chemicals?

Anna: A friend of mine who is a nurse gave me options to choose from. They know the types of solutions to use for these kinds of assignments to remove the brute strength of a toxic, philandering man from the equation. And it can be difficult to detect their cause of death.

DBM: I see. If you’re able to secure a date for your one-month absence from work, where do you intend to go?

Anna: I’m not even sure. Maybe the Volta or Western Regions. I also have a visa to travel to two countries. I could choose that option.

DBM: Perfect. So, two or three days before you leave, cook as much food for the house. Store your soups and stews in the freezer. Prepare enough sauces, stews and soups to last for at least, three weeks. Fry or grill enough proteins to accompany the sauces. Your husband can cook rice, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Make food present at home in your absence.

Anna: I will do that.

DBM: Do their laundry before leaving. Including that of your husband’s

Anna: David, you’re asking too much of me

DBM: He is your husband

Anna: I do not consider him as my husband anymore

DBM: But legally, he is, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: He is your husband. You will do his laundry too. And if possible, iron his clothes for work.

Anna: I will think about that.

DBM: You’d have to do a general cleaning of the house. Leave the house in a clean state.

Anna: I will try. I want to take the kids along

DBM: No! You’re leaving them behind

Anna: I can’t do that

DBM: You can and you will. Your mind and soul need a holiday. This is the perfect opportunity to stop doing for others, so you can delight yourself and best interest instead. Your children fall in the category of ‘others’. It’s time to enjoy your own good company. This should also help you to put your marriage on a plate to see if it’s really over. You will see more clearly and hear your inner witness more keenly. You will know the truth and the truth will set your heart at peace.

Anna: It’s the leaving my children behind part that is unsettling.

DBM: Is your husband a good father to his children?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you believe he knows what is good for his children and would act accordingly?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you trust that he has the well-being of his own children at heart?

Anna: Yes

DBM: And do your children know that no matter what you will do or have done, there is nothing in this world that would diminish your love for them?

Anna: I think so

DBM: Great! So, you are doing this without your children, no?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: Before you leave that day, write a simple note on a piece of paper. Lay your matrimonial bed and leave the note on top of it. You don’t need to detail the specifics of your decision to be absent from home for whatever number of days. Just let him know you need a bit of space between the two of you. Indicate when you’re returning and also tell him about the numerous dishes you’ve prepared for them in storage. Take a picture of the note on the bed and take pictures also of all the meals you will prepare and store. Some men can lie just to throw you under the bus. Have proof on your phone in case he decides to lie to family and friends about you leaving the children behind without food. He will also tell people you left without telling him.

Anna: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Abstract Photos

A Piece Of My Thoughts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I’ve been following the court case/sentencing/verdict reading of Latoshia Daniels, who killed her pastor Brodes Perry. The jury found her guilty and was charged with first degree murder. Facing the rest of your life in prison isn’t cute. It’s rather unfortunate but this is what really caught my attention; her reasons for doing what she did, “He broke my heart”. That was her excuse.

So, Latoshia had been married and divorced twice. The two ex-husbands were behaving typically like what most/some men do, entertaining other women on the side and lying about it. Now, it was taking her a bit of time to recover from the betrayal of her ex-husband, and so she decided to try a new route: church. She joined this new church and built a healthy community sort-of. To the extent that, she became one of the church’s small group leaders. Latoshia was a mental health professional. In that small group she led was the late pastor Brodes Perry. He was an Associate pastor at the church. Perry was married and also handled part of the youth ministry in the church.

He built friendship with Ms. Daniels because she seemed to be loved by most of the people in the church. Over time, Latoshia found trust in their friendship, and decided one day to share her life’s experience with Brodes. Including details about her past marriages. The second time they met in the office, Pastor Perry told her he had been trying his darndest best not to cross the lines with her but couldn’t, and so he kissed her and they ended up making out in the office for the first time. The act, Latoshia claims confused her.

That was the beginning of their relationship. Prior to them officially beginning with what Pastor Brodes termed an Ethical non-monogamy relationship, he had rules, that according to him, all the women in his life followed. An indirect contractual agreement. She was not supposed to approach him in public because he would probably be with another woman, or his wife. She was not supposed to have any clothes on anytime it was her turn to meet with him in a room. He would give stipends as and when he deemed fit and wasn’t supposed to expect it. I read a comment from another young lady who allegedly was also involved with Brodes, that the ladies were at liberty to gift him any and everything, but he wasn’t obliged to reciprocate. And because he was a married man, he wasn’t going to marry any of the women he was dealing with. The rules and conditions were many, but these are the ones I am choosing to highlight.

Latoshia, unfortunately, fell in love with this man and started to do a lot for him to notice her. She spent money and gifts on him. In as much as she knew she was doing the wrong thing dating a married man, she believed herself to be a good woman, smart, and decent. According to her account, the head pastor at the church knew about her relationship with Pastor Perry, and nothing was said/done about it; meaning… (You can fill in the blanks). Yhup! A boy child will only follow or do what he sees his father do.

Why did she kill pastor Brodes? According to her, his behavior and communication was undermining her well-being and happiness. He manipulated her, had no respect for her or her boundaries during intimacy, and would emotionally, physically or psychologically harm her – depending on his mood swings. He constantly dismissed her feelings and it was diminishing her self-esteem over time. He disregarded her needs and would only prioritize his own desires without regard for mutual respect or compromise. His control and dominance over her and the other women were deliberate and it broke something in her to push her into pulling the trigger.

It’s sad that she allowed the foolishness of a man to make her act foolish. Any relationship that is putting fire in your belly, or making your gut feeling uncomfortable is a sign to take a back seat, and learn everything you can about the person you’re dealing with. His behavior will someway, somehow escalate from toxicity to abuse; especially men who talk to, or about women anyhow. If he’s criticizing your opinions or choices the least chance he gets, it simply means a day is coming – he may eventually resort to some form of severe abuse, which, if you’re not careful, may tempt you to react in a manner you’re not ready for.

Do not subject yourself to any form of disrespect, all in the name of love. Love is supposed to be kind to you. Kind in words. Kind in actions. Kind in deeds.

A piece of my thought.

David Bondze-Mbir

Heart Of My Heart

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tobe: Good evening

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Tobe: I’m fine boss. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Tobe: My story is not so great but it’s something.

DBM: Something’ is good enough.

Tobe: Okay. I was in my late 30s, and a bit fed up with my first marriage. Our marriage was a mess and 95% of it was my fault. I am in my second marriage. She is the same woman I was cheating on my ex-wife with. My ex-wife has also moved on and has been married for 8 years. I admit that whatever broke my first marriage was because I let my guard down for more than just a moment. I did not make any serious effort to address what went amiss. Instead of changing my ways to assure my ex-wife that she could trust me again, I had opened the door to rather rebuild something better with my current wife. A decision I partially regret because my ex was one person who loved me through my poorer. I feel bad for disappointing her in my richer. She should have been the one enjoying the fruits of her sweat. I destroyed her self-esteem, which I regret.

DBM: You had kids?

Tobe: Yes. We have a daughter together.

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Though I love and admire my now wife, I feel like I made a big mistake letting a good woman go. It was not a good choice. I was also not ready for marriage. I made her sound crazy by denying all of her suspicions of me and my now wife. It was so bad she did not know who I was or meant to her anymore. I got up with other emotions and was deceived by my flesh’s lust for different things.

DBM: Did you own up to it?

Tobe: I tried.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Tobe: I have, in court. I don’t have access to her on phone so I had to use our divorce proceedings in court to ask for her forgiveness in person.

DBM: You did the right thing.

Tobe: I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I had a good wife, David Bondze-Mbir. All I do sometimes is to reminisce on the good times we once shared, the beautiful experiences she gave me; all the things we could have done, the dreams and future I promised her, but never did.

DBM: It’s good you know what you did to her and hopefully, the lessons learnt thus far. Now you have a new wife and marriage to apply it.

Tobe: That is right

DBM: You will be fine

Tobe: I will be fine

DBM: Indeed! Sometimes, GOD uses these experiences and mistakes we consciously or unconsciously make, to drive home the point we fail to realize when the people we were supposed to have loved right are no longer around.

Tobe: It really sucks. She is my one true love

DBM: I know! How is your relationship with your daughter?

Tobe: We’re close. She’s my everything.

DBM: Does she understand why you and her mother are no longer together?

Tobe: Yes

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Tobe: Can you say something to encourage me?

DBM: What do you want me to say to you?

Tobe: Anything from your experience in marriage

DBM: You have to keep going because you have a new family now. Your partner deserves a good relationship with you. Put your energies into being a good man, a great husband and an awesome father. The most you can do is to be the very best of you. Whatever you now wish you could have been to your ex, become to your partner in your marriage. Love your wife. Do not fix her. Do not control her sense of self and being. Do not manipulate your way through her vulnerability and respect for you. Accept her and love her. Who knows, this could be the best one you’ve ever had.

Tobe: Thank you for your time.

Image Credit: Dapo Abideen

Before The Next Teardrop Falls

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Osei: Who would have thought I’d be one of those anonymous people in your inbox. Listen to this crazy stuff; the wife of my wife’s boss sent me an email. First, she reached out to me on LinkedIn. I didn’t know who she was. 15 minutes after accepting her request, I got an email from her. She had found out recently that her husband and my wife had a joint bank account. They each made payments from their benefits into this one account and trusted each other to withdraw from it as and when need be.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s weird. How much is in the account?

Osei: I don’t know but she shared a copy of a receipt her husband accidentally forgot to throw away in one of his trousers while doing his laundry. He had withdrawn Ghs 15,500. She mentioned a day and date her husband had traveled to work on a project, and it coincidentally was the same date my wife had to attend a friend’s funeral for days. Dave, my wife and I are pretty much open and honest with each other and I wouldn’t be able to recall a single day that we’ve had to argue about money.

DBM: You confronted your wife, no?

Osei: I did. She did not talk about the account but rather her high and intense sex drive that, according to her, I have a challenge being able to fulfill her needs.

DBM: I don’t understand.

Osei: Longevity during sex and my d*ck size.

DBM: Are you aware of this concern she has of you?

Osei: Dave, unless she’s been faking sexual satisfaction with me all these years, then no.

DBM: Do you enjoy sex with your wife?

Osei: Very much

DBM: Have you ever asked her if she enjoys having sex with you?

Osei: I think so. She used to praise me

DBM: Ha!

Osei: That’s just even the crust of the issue. We all agreed she was having an affair with her boss. What I found shocking was when she began sharing her fantasies with me. Fantasies I knew nothing about. She and her boss had been exploring group sex. They had had threesomes where she was the only woman in the room, and she loved it. She also said having sex with two men at the same time is what sets her skin on fire.

DBM: I’m going to ask you a few random questions. Don’t ask me why. Just give a yes or no response. Can you?

Osei: Yes

DBM: When you were dating your wife, was she the only woman you were being intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: After you got married, has she been the only woman you’re intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: Okay! Please continue with your story

Osei: I asked her how long it had been going on and she said three years.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Osei: 9 years

DBM: I see

Osei: Then she asked me if I would consider exploring these desires with her and her boss, instead of her always having to sneak around? She also said she was getting tired of hiding her fantasies from me and wanted it to be a part of our intimacy.

DBM: That’s a lot to take in

Osei: That bitch looked me in the eye last week and told me she knows and can predict every beat of my sex life like an overplayed Diana Hamilton song on UTV. How can a wife tell her husband he is boring in bed and that has created a gnawing itch that no one man, no matter how much he loves her, can satisfy?

DBM: How old is your wife?

Osei: 40

DBM: How old are you?

Osei: 44

DBM: You have kids?

Osei: Yes, three girls. Why were you asking if I was cheating on my wife?

DBM: Before I answer your question, let me ask a question: had you and your wife discussed boundaries before or after marriage?

Osei: What do you mean by boundaries?

DBM: Everything you both dislike or can never forgive on the table to see if there is any potential to go forward with the relationship.

Osei: No

DBM: I have a theory that, in-as-much as a higher percentage of men feel they don’t share their side of stories related to why they’re not happy in their marriages, men are still the very people choosing to break their own homes. Exhibit A is found in your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses to my questions. And, it’s not just you. Every man I have ever spoken to – whose wife is cheating or making him feel like he’s going through a whole lot of hell with her, had been cheating on his wife first. They will not readily accept this fact but that is the unfortunate truth.

Osei: Every man I know cheats. It’s normal. Dave, are you trying to tell me you don’t cheat?

DBM: I am trying to tell you your wife is currently seeking the hands of her boss and total strangers secretly, because you stopped exploring the woman she is, and already have at home.

Osei: But did she have to cheat back?

DBM: Did you sit her down to discuss the desires tempting you to explore with other women? If I ever should consider cheating on my partner, I would talk before I cheat.

Osei: You know I’m heading straight for a divorce with her confession?

DBM: I honestly don’t think you should be extremely mad at her. When you’re out there sleeping with other people, which part of you makes you feel like what you’re doing is as bad as how your wife’s actions are suddenly making you feel?

Osei: I don’t think you should be defending her adultery.

DBM: I am not in support of her actions. You are choosing not to understand what I’m drawing your attention to. You have not been upfront and honest about everything you have been up to. You’ve been hiding and erasing your own bad behavior – and pretending to be closed off with your feelings. Women can do bad all by themselves if you lead them into their crazy with your crazy.

Osei: I wasn’t expecting to hear anything different from you

DBM: Men never cease to amaze me! We start a game without first bothering to read its manual. You break your marriage and wait for the partner to catch up to help you do the work for you. We knowingly or unknowingly force people we claim we love to assume responsibilities for tasks and chaos we create in our own marriages. A man will whine about accountability yet hate to be accountable. No wonder wives of today are choosing to stay in touch with their intuition and err on the side of caution.

Osei: We all know you’re biased when it comes to these whores of another gender.

DBM: Your wife is experiencing a sexual awakening and starving for mass sex. Her hunger is making her want to be gulped, adulated and fucked senselessly. Go figure!

Osei: Do you know why I came to your inbox?

DBM: Why?

Osei: I needed someone to just hear me out and empathize with me.

DBM: I hear you; I really do.

Osei: You don’t. You’re rather attacking me.

DBM: Listen, ma guy, you cannot just will happiness in marriage to happen or hope that if you continue playing enough mind-games on your wife, something will give. Your marriage is struggling, and you can attest to that. You cannot control your wife’s actions. She cannot control yours. What you both have control over is what you choose to do and how you choose to accept, forgive or manage the other’s behavior. That is marriage for you. There is always something to work on.

Osei: My marriage is practically over. I cannot forgive something like this. I’ve withdrawn from her emotionally.

DBM: That’s understandable.

Osei: Come to think of it, anytime she returned home from a trip, she was in a happy mood, which was significantly improving the atmosphere at home and thought was lessening the tension between us.

DBM: Welcome to illicit sexual encounter. Everything you just described is exactly what you also bring home after returning from one of your side-chick sessions.

Osei: Bye.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Omari: Hello David. I hope you are fine? I am a silent follower and a big fan of your page. I do not always agree with the way you sometimes think, but I like you for that same reason. I’ve been married to my good luck of a wife for 23 years. When I met her, I was living on way less than I ever thought a poor man could survive on. I was aware of everything I lacked in life and that broke my confidence. I was in my little corner, avoiding people as usual when I met my wife. Everything about her overwhelmed me but she was one of the very few people I thought were worth keeping around because she saw only the best in me.

The types of guys who were interested in her were people who looked and smelled good. There was hope in their future, and they had money to spend. Being uncertain about my future was exhausting and depressing. The man I wanted to become before settling down wasn’t the disappointed I felt I had become. Hurt and confusion were some of the mixed emotions I battled with. I was ashamed of myself but my wife wasn’t. She believed in me. She prayed for me. She loved me. She saw me. We met by chance and it was at a time when I doubted whether I was cut for love. She showed me that I was worthy of her time and attention. She understood my situation and loved me through that phase of my life.

We eventually got married. She got pregnant with our first child, a boy. Before he turned one year old, he said his first words in six separate days to just me. It was a Saturday morning, 2:25 AM. He wouldn’t stop crying and his mother was tired and deep in her sleep. I got up to go pick him up from his room. The moment he set those dreamy eyes on me, he smiled and said, “Dada”. It was a big milestone because his mother and I had been wondering and waiting to know what his first word would be. When my wife woke up, I bragged about it and wanted the child to repeat his first words again but he said nothing. He went back to his toddler language, babbling and crying through his fumbled speech.

Sunday morning, 2:25 AM, he was crying again. His mother was fast asleep and I had to go and get him. He saw me enter his room and he smiled. “Dada, Mama”. It was weird. He didn’t repeat those words again during the day. Monday, 2:25 AM, he started to cry. I had to sleep because I had to go to work in few hours. He wouldn’t stop crying. My wife wouldn’t wake up to attend to him. I got to his room, and he beams with laughter, “Dada, Mama, Isss…”. He wouldn’t say anything else again for the rest of the day. Dave, it was at this point that I felt in my spirit that God had a message for me through my son. I looked forward to the next dawn. I slept in his room and woke myself up at 2:00 AM. 25 minutes after I had woken up, he wakes up and smiles after seeing me. ‘Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa…”

The following dawn, I got up again, next to him in his room. Same time, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa Ghud…”. On the sixth day, same routine. I had to sleep in his room. He wakes up to my presence and he laughs, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa. Ghud. Laak.”

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No way!

Omari: I kid you not, David. He didn’t wake up to speak to me again after delivering his message. His routine went back to normal. It was when he was 18 months old that his mother started to hear him typically start to use words more purposefully around her. Like, ‘ball, come, no, yes’ etc.

DBM: Oh my!

Omari: When I got married to my wife, things started happening for my good. Opportunities started opening and coming my way. Initially, I thought it was my own doing and hard work. But after my son’s message to me, I had to look back and appreciate who had been encouraging and praying for me to free myself from the self-imposed limitations I had been placing on myself. It was my wife. I had so much doubt in my mind but she chose to believe in me, so I could believe in myself and persist no matter what. Wonderful things started to happen to me. I began to see success in my career. I started to feel happy for the first time in my life.

DBM: I’m really happy for you.

Omari: Yeah, but I changed along the way.

DBM: How so?

Omari: Dave, I was hitting my career goals. My financial goals were papping. My life goals were being achieved, year after year.

DBM: Let me guess!

Omari: It happened a couple of times. I started to find problems with everything she did. I was no longer content with just her. I broke her heart. I made her feel alone in the marriage. I started lying to her and cheating. I became cold towards her. I became distant, loveless, etc.

DBM: But why?

Omari: Money changes men. I forgot about how she used to take care of me when I had nothing. My wife practically gave me her all when I had nothing to my name. She supported me in ways I had never experienced before. She was my goddamn helpmate but what happened after my levels had changed? She got cheated on. And I remained to be the dog that incessantly pissed on her favorite rug. And because I knew she loved me so much and wanted our marriage to work, she would clean up the rug every time I pissed on it.

DBM: How long were you in your feels – in this phase of your life?

Omari: Three years

DBM: What happened next?

Omari: My wife stopped loving me. The worst version of me had been waiting to be set free, only for me to lose it all again. I was involved in a car accident when I was on a trip with one of my girlfriend’s outside of Accra. She died in my car. She was pregnant with my child and I didn’t even know. She’s Fante. Her family put me through hell. Mind you, I was bedridden for three months after the accident but her family didn’t care. They tormented me. I was forced to marry her corpse before her burial. I went through the whole process of knocking and presentation of drinks with my family. Dowry, name it. I put a ring on her dead finger. And I was in wheelchair doing all this. Every penny I had worked for and saved, their family took it through bills, charges, compensation, etc.

DBM: Where was your wife?

Omari: At home. She said nothing. She just focused on the children and her job. I couldn’t even complain, after everything I had put her through. My brother took me to the house I had rented for my other girlfriend, and she nursed me for two months only. She couldn’t babysit me again. She said she had her own life to live because she was a young girl. She told me I needed to go back home to my wife. She drove me to the house and left me behind the gate, after ringing the bell. The gateman carried me to the house. My son was seven years old at this time. He was playing with his sister when I was brought in. He looked at me with a disappointing stare. My daughter was happy to see me of course, but he wasn’t. I asked them where their mother was, and these were his exact response to me, “Daddy, your good luck left”.

DBM: Oh my! I have totally forgotten about that part. “Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak.”

Omari: Yes. It all came back to me. Dave, I had to repent. I had to change. My good luck no longer was willing to tolerate and enable my bad behavior. I had to occasionally say ‘no’ to myself in order to become a better man for myself, wife and children.

DBM: How are you doing today?

Omari: Life is picking up, little by little. I haven’t looked back since. I am almost 14 years cheat-sober.

DBM: Well done!

Omari: Dave, money makes men nicer. Money makes us curious. Our wives are our good luck, especially if you’re like me, and came into your marriage with nothing but her love and support to hold to. As I chat with you today, and I am telling you since I made the decision to, as you often say on your page, do right by my partner, every other day of the years, I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me… because of my wife.

DBM: That’s good to know!

Omari: David, I have tears in my eyes. My dear Diana, my good luck; these 23 years of marriage to you have been all the reminder I needed of how completely unworthy I am to humbly serve as your husband. You have given me the opportunity to be better. You have given me the opportunity to change. I am becoming the man I am proud of. I have become the kind of man I believe God is comfortable entrusting your heart to. My only prayer today is to continue learning and fighting for you and for our marriage.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

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