Brand New Man

Marcus: Hi Dave. I am in my second marriage. The first was to my childhood sweetheart. We were together for 9 years but later realized we weren’t a good match. My ex-wife was unhappy in the marriage. We forced to be together due to the fear of being alone, and on my part, the shame. But we knew we both felt stuck. It wasn’t a satisfying marriage. The friendship was tight, it’s still tight. We are better as good friends; we’ve come to now realize that.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Kids?

Marcus: O yes, we have two. But I have three in my second marriage.

DBM: How long have you been married in your second chapter?

Marcus: 15 years

DBM: What finally made you part ways with your childhood sweetheart?

Marcus: We started to dislike each other and I realized our actions were harming our children more than our fear of a divorce could. My wife was accepting how bad I was treating her. I was enduring her silence and avoidance. We talked to each other anyhow, most of the time, not in the presence of the children but they felt it. They felt the tension and hate between us in the house. It was detrimental. What made me take the bold decision to file was when I saw my 7-year-old daughter accepting insults and beatings from her 8-year-old brother. I was not physically abusing their mother but they had been witnesses to us accepting each other’s bad behavior, and I think that was what was making her accept the same from her brother. I didn’t want that for her future relationships with guys or in her marriage.

DBM: How are the kids doing today?

Marcus: Perfect. They’re excelling in school and living their best lives. They love how cordial their mother and I have suddenly become. They love the peace between their two different households. The fact that my relationship with their mother didn’t work out didn’t mean it had to also affect the family we once were. Divorce isn’t pretty. It cost me an arm and leg, but it was a necessary lesson and sacrifice, though painful, to teach my children. I did everything I could, including putting in the work to try and salvage what felt like a loveless marriage.

DBM: In as much as I would like to grow into old age together with my partner until we both pass, if it ever should get to that point where I know our marriage hasn’t got any more fights left, I’d leave.

Marcus: That was the point I got to, Dave. But I thank my ex-wife for our years together. It wasn’t always as bad. As I mentioned from the beginning, she will always be the love of my life. I’ve learnt what not to do to my wife and I am a very happy man today. My wife and I have our days of disagreements and fights but I make sure not to point fingers at, or place any blames on her. I don’t have to ‘win’ in an argument anymore. I read one of your conversations with the guys and you were telling him, in your marriage, your focus as a couple during arguments is on your connection and not the power one lords over the other. That’s one lesson I learned from my first marriage. I wasn’t doing that with my ex-wife, and that became a huge challenge for us. In this new phase of my lifelong commitment to my wife on this journey of uncertainty, I am learning to do way better than expected of me.

DBM: Good for you!

Marcus: I’m trying to remember why I reached out to you. Damn, I’ve forgotten the reason.

DBM: Lol! It’s all good.

Marcus: This is serious Charley. I can’t remember o.

DBM: That’s okay! You can always come back to continue with the chat.

Marcus: Damn…

DBM: It’s all good!

Marcus: Anyway, thank you for all that you’re using your Facebook to do for free. Some of us are learning.

DBM: It’s a learning platform for me too.

Marcus: Bro. this marriage thing isn’t child’s play but some of us are willing to stay true to our vows, “For better, for worse”. We don’t commit and become good husbands only for the good stuff. That wouldn’t be a genuine commitment. I agreed to go the long haul with my wife, and I am willing to reach the highest peak and climb the tallest mountain with her by my side. And the lowest valleys, we will descend together. So far, I’m proud to say our marriage and relationship has grown and become deep and beautiful. We have a wonderful friendship too. My wife and I do not have a lot in common but we get along just fine.

DBM: I’m happy for you. Is your ex-wife married?

Marcus: Yes. I’ve never seen her that happy. I wasn’t the one meant for her. I am so glad she did not waste her heart to stay in our stagnant marriage. It’s nice to sometimes brave the unfamiliar territories.

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