Let’s Talk To Akorfa
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 91: Akorfa De Sweetest
DBM: Hi Akorfa. How would you describe yourself?
Akorfa: I am a woman with drive, energy and determination. I am friendly, intelligent and educated. I am grounded and secure in myself. I can be relied upon. I am a lawyer
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Akorfa: 7
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Akorfa: I am in a really good relationship with my man. He loves me to the extent that, there would be moments in my daily activities that makes me stop, reflect, smile, shake my head and realize how much he means to me. He has a silly way of laughing when I tickle him. The look in his eyes when he kisses me in bed with a smile on his face; my boyfriend is there for me all the time. A whole new world opened for me when I listened to his advice to apply to Law School. When I wasn’t sure I could get in, I received an offer to attend law school. I was not prepared for what that pursuit could throw at me, but he was; he was the first man to make me think of my time in school as a job. And he helped me to put in the hours till I was called to the bar. He hasn’t stopped loving me that way till date. I don’t know if you get the picture?
DBM: Crystal
Akorfa: But he doesn’t believe in marriage
DBM: Do you believe in marriage?
Akorfa: I do
DBM: How long have you been dating?
Akorfa: Six and a half years oooh
DBM: What profession is he into?
Akorfa: He is an Actuary
DBM: How old are you?
Akorfa: 32
DBM: How old is he?
Akorfa: 37
DBM: Do you know why he doesn’t believe in marriage?
Akorfa: He says it’s just a status signed on a piece of paper. His parents divorced when he was 14. His sister recently divorced. He doesn’t see anything special about getting married.
DBM: Tying the knot can become a frightening proposition for people whose parents divorced
Akorfa: I don’t think my guy is scared of marriage. He just doesn’t want to do it
DBM: From his actions and everything else, do you see him to be the type that would be willing to at least, consider marrying you down the road?
Akorfa: No! Even though he’s willing for us to grow together as a couple
DBM: ‘Grow together’ as in, have kids, live together, etc.?
Akorfa: Yes!
DBM: Why is it important for you to do the whole ring thing?
Akorfa: Marriage is a life-long commitment to me. It’s a love-something that I can trust to be there for me, and never leave nor forsake me. It is through marriage that I will be convinced I have a life partner in my beau, a teammate. I want to have a strong family with children through marriage.
DBM: And, you’ve shared these reasons with him, no?
Akorfa: I have, but he still doesn’t see himself getting married.
DBM: What are you going to do?
Akorfa: I can’t force him
DBM: No, you can’t! Attempting to directly or indirectly force him to change his stance on the subject can be a recipe for your relationship’s failure.
Akorfa: I know
DBM: Then you also know that you can genuinely, be in a healthy relationship with someone who adores you for you, even though he may never want to settle down in a marriage?
Akorfa: I know, but marriage is important to me
DBM: And an option for him. Question is, how do you both come to a consensus to respect each other’s opinions and desires?
Akorfa: I don’t know. I don’t want to live with a man and raise our kids outside of marriage
DBM: I am guessing you two are having sex?
Akorfa: We are
DBM: And, he’s that much into you?
Akorfa: He is, very much.
DBM: Think of his decision from this angle, he is in love with, and committed to you. He does almost all the things expected to be done to have a meaningful and strong relationship. You’ve given him everything inside and out of you without the commitment of a marriage. What something new is there to be discovered about you? Why should he need rings and a certificate to prove his love for you?
Akorfa: I understand all that, but marriage is not just about rings and a piece of paper; it’s about our families coming together, asking for my hand and gaining the trust and blessings from my family.
DBM: But you will agree you have made it way easier and also placed him in a comfortable lead, not to be married to you?
Akorfa: Maybe, maybe not
DBM: Are you certain you are the woman for him?
Akorfa: I am, Dave. His heartbeat.
DBM: Is he truly the man for you? Because if he were, he would have known what is important to you
Akorfa: I don’t know anyone else out there like him
DBM: How many out there have you dated?
Akorfa: A few. That’s why I know a good man is hard to find these days. I am not ready to go searching for a man all over again
DBM: How do you feel right now in the relationship?
Akorfa: Happy and stuck with anxiety
DBM: Generally, I would feel stuck in a moment when I suddenly begin to assume I should be something else that I clearly am not. You’re thinking your relationship status ought to be different than what it is, even though he makes you happy. He does not want to be married. Can you breathe a deep sigh of relief while focusing on the now instead?
Akorfa: How about WHAT I WANT?
DBM: You have done what you can with what you have. Go easy on yourself and let things be
Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio
