Tag: Relationship

Mine To Keep

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Xich: Hello David. I need your opinion. My very good friend is a lady I wouldn’t know what to do without. She’s that friend in my life who would make me laugh a little louder. She makes me smile a little bigger, and allows me to be myself so I can live life just a little better. We’ve been friends for 29 years. We hang out a lot. It doesn’t matter the problems I found myself in, she was always there for me. I really love her for that. However, she tends to choose unavailable men as boyfriends and I am always the first person to realize that those relationships wouldn’t last. I’m scared of risking our friendship but the love I have for her is the most effortless, natural love there is to give. She’s my personal person and thoughts of letting her know this scares me. That is the hardest part of our friendship, hiding my true feelings from her.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are you?

Xich: 38

DBM: How old is your friend?

Xich: 38

DBM: Okay!

Xich: She’s dating my cousin, a really great guy. And I love that for her because he’s the one guy I can vouch would not take her for granted. But I am secretly jealous and angry that he might ask her to marry him. There is resentment in my heart.

DBM: Did she ever promise you anything more than to be your friend?

Xich: No. But I was hoping she might come around and realize I am the right guy for her.

DBM: Have you ever tried to pursue her?

Xich: Yes and no.

DBM: What does ‘yes’ and ‘no’ mean?

Xich: Not directly. I don’t know how to go about that conversation. I’ve tried.

DBM: What’s her name?

Xich: Serwaa

DBM: How long has she been dating your cousin?

Xich: 8 months

DBM: That’s a full-blown relationship, no?

Xich: Yes. But I still feel I am the right man for her

DBM: Is she happy with your cousin?

Xich: Yes, they’re very happy together but something tells me she cares about me too. I need to find out if it’s all in my head.

DBM: What do you want from me?

Xich: I don’t know how to go about it.

DBM: Text her this message: “Serwaa, hello! What you’re about to read shouldn’t be a mutual feeling. I just want to share something I’ve always wanted to tell you but didn’t know how. I have so much love and care for you. I find you to be extremely attractive, and would have seriously pursued a relationship with you if you weren’t seeing my cousin. I respect what you two have and I know he is right for you. Ideally, I’m supposed to say I support your relationship with him completely and wish you all the best but that wouldn’t the whole truth. I believe I am the right guy for you but again, I’m not going to ask for anything at the moment because you’re not a single lady. I love being your best friend, and I just wanted to also let you know how I really feel about you.”

Xich: Dave, this is deep. I felt it

DBM: That is how you indirectly, invite someone you’re in love with to open up about their own underlying feelings for you – without putting any pressure on them. There is nothing wrong with planting a seed that may or not very well grow into something meaningful later on.

Xich: Thank you. I will update up.

Image Credit: Artempodrez

Locked Down

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Barnabas: Something tragic happened to me in 2020, March 25th. I was attacked and robbed at gunpoint while jogging on a deserted road. Two guys and a lady I did not know came at me with a gun and knife. I’m usually up and running by 4:00 am before going to work. As I was listening to music as usual, I noticed a girl stranded by the roadside by her car. She had long, curly black hair and a white dress that made her look like the type I usually went for. I first ran past her and I was immediately drawn to her because she smelled so good.

I run back after a minute to where she was, and we started talking. Her car had broken down and was waiting for daylight so she could find the nearest mechanic. I knew a mechanic. I took out my phone to call him. I made a quick attempt to look in her eyes and smile but I caught a glimmer of contempt in the way she half-turned towards me, but without looking back at me. Before the call could go through, two guys came out of nowhere to attack me. It happened so fast. My body became their battleground, filled with bruises. I tried fighting back but they head buttered me to the point where my vision began to blur. They took away my housekeys and phone, jumped into the lady’s car and sped off. What happened to me that day changed the course of my life and work.

I am usually a hypervigilant person, always predicting a risky scenario and trying to avoid it. So, this attack took me by surprise. I gained consciousness in a stranger’s bed. The physical wounds were hurting but I had been cleaned, dressed and medicated. As the day wore on, I found myself feeling more and more comfortable and around him. I found out he was a doctor and was returning home from his night shift when he saw me bleeding and semi-conscious by the roadside. We talked for minutes but could not explain why I was vulnerable to the attack in the first place. I didn’t know what the attackers wanted from me. They took my phone but what did I do wrong? The thought of not knowing and the fact that those three people were still at large, troubled me.

He decided to take me home when he was preparing to go to work that evening. We got to my house and I had been robbed. They took my keys for a reason. They knew where I stayed. We reported the incident to the police but the way the officers handled my case left me adrift. One officer asked what I might have done to provoke this, even though he was staring at the evidence of assault all over my body. I was still recovering from the bruises to my head and face, knife wounds and my emotional collapse.

The doctor passed by my house after his shift the next morning to check on me and dress my wounds again. We continued to talk and discovered that we had a lot in common. We talked for hours while helping to put my house in order. He cooked for me, took his bath and fell asleep on my couch. When he got up from his sleep, we talked some more, laughed and joked like we had known each other for years although it was easy for me to make a soft joke out of anything due to my funny nature. He introduced himself to me. I introduced myself to him and that was how our friendship began.

COVID-19 happened and I was still in recovery mode from the attack. My new friend bought me a new phone, kept checking on me and cooking for me. I started to like him every day of the week. I loved his sense of humor, his kindness and friendship. I knew I wanted to spend more time knowing him. I started talking about my hopes, aspirations and fears with him. I’m usually sharing this kind of information with women I was attracted to. This felt different. He spent every spare moment he had with me. We did road trips together to explore the city and beyond. It was friendship but I didn’t think it was all about friendship. I had developed feelings for him and was falling more and more in love with him.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You were falling in love with a guy?

Barnabas: Yes. I was attracted to him as an individual. It wasn’t anything sexual at first.

DBM: Are you same sex attracted?

Barnabas: I wasn’t before meeting him. We’ve done intimate things together since. Deep down I knew there was something going on with how I felt about him. I became open and curious and didn’t stress about it too much. It’s a bit confusing though.

DBM: It’s understandable to be confused. It can take time and work to finally come to terms with your sexual identity in a specific moment and experience. Stay true to what feels right to you.

Barnabas: He likes men though.

DBM: I figured

Barnabas: How?

DBM: A straight man would have rushed you straight to the hospital. Gay men tend to be intuitively caring and wouldn’t mind adjusting their schedule just to be your hero. They will test your boundaries even with the purest of intentions.

Barnabas: I think I am turning gay. He’s brought excitement in the way I think of him.

DBM: There is no definite way of knowing. It’s just how you feel

Barnabas: We’ve been together since COVID lockdown.

DBM: Nice. Late last year, a TV production company and major content studio expressed interest in adapting some of my Facebook inbox messages and conversations into a film series. Do you mind me including your story?

Barnabas: You have my permission.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Royal Rouge

Her Kinda Person

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Nana Yaa: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM: Hey, Nana Yaa. How are you doing?

Nana Yaa: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How is your boyfriend?

Nana Yaa: He’s fine

DBM: The ‘girlfriend’ status is now officially claimed, no?

Nana Yaa: It has

DBM: Glad to know

Nana Yaa: I like him very much

DBM: I figured.

Nana Yaa: Thanks for hooking us up

DBM: Well, I did not hook you up. You expressed interest in him after his post, and I just connected you

Nana Yaa: He’s my taste I swear. He’s fine

DBM: I’m happy for you. What about his post got you interested?

Nana Yaa: The way he expressed himself ignited laughter. I laughed about the part he talked about his roster. At first, I thought it was a corny joke.

DBM: Really? Because I didn’t find a man who rotates ladies he’s sleeping with to be funny.

Nana Yaa: It wasn’t funny but somehow, his honesty was the real knockout move for me

DBM: I see. How far with the whole ‘sex’ conversation?

Nana Yaa: I’m not having sex with anyone who isn’t my husband.

DBM: Are you a virgin?

Nana Yaa: No

DBM: Okay!

Nana Yaa: I know that is what he’s finding difficult to understand but Dave, if a man is not ready to recognize or respect my principles and faith, then he does not want to really know me.

DBM: I agree with you

Nana Yaa: He’s promised to stay the pace

DBM: And you believe he can?

Nana Yaa: He should be able to. So far, he’s proven to be a man who keeps to his word. He hasn’t said anything to me that he hasn’t done yet. His words so far have value.

DBM: Have you kissed?

Nana Yaa: We have kissed. I like the way he kisses me. He’s always asking ‘can I kiss you?’ before making a move on me. This is the first time I am dating a man who asks for my consent before kissing me.

DBM: That’s sweet of him. Practicing boundaries with a partner and respecting theirs is confirmation of how they make you feel safe and respected.

Nana Yaa: He’s very sweet. I feel safe and comfortable with him

DBM: Have you met any of his friends?

Nana Yaa: Yes. And he’s met my best friends

DBM: What do you appreciate about him?

Nana Yaa: He doesn’t pretend

DBM: I believe that. Lol!

Nana Yaa: What you see is what you get. But most significantly, he satisfies me emotionally. I am aware of his need to be physical with me but I am not there yet. I hope that someday I would be able to satisfy him sexually.

DBM: People are different and we have different needs.

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: What is most important is that you try your best to fulfill him and make him feel at peace, and someday, satisfied.

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: Do you trust him?

Nana Yaa: I trust him. I have seen how he has my best interest at heart

DBM: Do you believe he likes you as much?

Nana Yaa: I think so. I’ve never felt like I need to put on an act to get him interested in me. I can be myself around him. And he calls my phone four times in a day, just to check on me. What does that say about him?

DBM: He likes you for sure. When a man genuinely is that much into you, he would want to hear your voice a lot more than once. How did your first date with him go?

Nana Yaa: I didn’t want it to end. We talked, and danced. Lol!

DBM: Aha! Lol!

Nana Yaa: It’s pretty hard to resist a tall, 52-year-old lawyer who is clueless about his dance moves being mediocre.

DBM: Lol! He can’t dance?

Nana Yaa: Don’t laugh at my man. Can you dance?

DBM: No!

Nana Yaa: He can’t also dance.

DBM: Has he been clearer about exactly what he wants from you?

Nana Yaa: He wants to get married someday

DBM: To you?

Nana Yaa: Yes. He extended an invitation to me to move in with him.

DBM: Really?

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: Where do you stand on cohabitation before marriage?

Nana Yaa: I declined the offer.

DBM: Why is that? Too soon?

Nana Yaa: It’s been two months since we started talking. I am enjoying getting to know him. And I need my space to be doing that efficiently. Men easily feel smothered when you’re in their business. I’ve lived with a man who loved me before until he was fed up having me around his home all the time. I want to be in a man’s home like I live there after he’s married me.

DBM: Aside that, nothing else is holding you back?

Nana Yaa: I like things the way they are with us. I don’t have to be auditioning as a live-in wife. What would be your intention as a man to ask someone to move in with you?

DBM: The only person who has ever moved in with me is my spouse. We tried that for three months, after dating for almost a year. I needed to understand what it meant to share my space and home with someone else. I hadn’t done it before. The thought of losing my closet space, my independence, my personal space etc. My spouse is a bit messy and doesn’t see the need to clean stuff up right there and then. I am the direct opposite. So, you can only imagine how things easily went south. When I lived alone, I didn’t have to consider the needs and desires of another human being before making the simplest of decision. But I had to, in our three months trial. It took a lot of consideration and discussion, but ….

Nana Yaa: Did it influence your decision to get married?

DBM: No, but it confirmed something I already knew

Nana Yaa: What?

DBM: That I was willing to take the next step in the relationship with my partner. I could spend the rest of my life with babe’s character. Being with someone you care about outweighs the sacrifice of personal freedom.

Nana Yaa: Ok

DBM: I had always wanted to ask this question: his initial post was desiring of a lady between the ages of 25 and 35. You’re 38 years old, no?

Nana Yaa: I’m a risk taker. That’s how I learn. Risks come with consequences. I can never know something is for me until I actually try to claim it. The men I thought were worth jumping for weren’t there to catch me. This guy doesn’t look like he’s worth jumping for. I may end up even with a broken limb or heart but he’s a risk I am willing to leap one more time.

Image Credit: Leonardo Moncao

Water is tasty

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Awal: Hello David. Can I share my 31 years of experience in marriage?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh wow! 31 years? Yes, I want to learn

Awal: Your surname, is it Mbir or Bondze Mbir?

DBM: Bondze-Mbir.

Awal: Where is the name from?

DBM: Winneba.

Awal: Simpa. Do you speak Efutu?

DBM: No!

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Once. I am Fante though

Awal: Fante is your mother’s side?

DBM: Yes. Elmina.

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Yes. Once

Awal: Ok. To my story; It was love at first sight when I looked into the eyes of my wife for the first time. I was healing from a heartbreak and thought I was done with the dating game. I had always been afraid of what might go wrong in a relationship. I wasn’t great at committing to just one woman because I was afraid of missing out on something better in the future. A lot of ‘what ifs’ played on my mind and because of that, I became the ladies’ man. I went for the finest girls I could persuade, the perfect shapes, the best I could attract but could not offer my best to them. In hindsight, I did not know what it was that I actually wanted, and therefore, was chasing the types of women I thought I could have. My intentions weren’t sincere. I was leading girls on just to get them to like me. I knew none of them could break through to get me to be loyal to one girl. This is a past of mine I regret.

DBM: It was all about sex, I guess?

Awal: Yes, and a need for casual companionship.

DBM: Okay!

Awal: While at it I met this other girl. The one who broke my heart before I met my wife. She was the perfect girl I was willing to let my guard down for. It is kind of hard to gauge this particular situation because I didn’t see it coming. She was the first girl I would do things for out of the kindness of my heart with no intention of getting something in return. I loved her and I could not control that moment and outcome. I didn’t know I was capable of falling in love. This made me get lost in my worries and fears. I didn’t want to take her for granted. This was the comical part; she was the first girl I prayed to God about.

DBM: You liked her that much?

Awal: I loved her.

DBM: What happened?

Awal: Unbeknownst to me, she was the cousin of one of the many girls I had played and dumped. She planted herself in my life at the right moment with the help of her cousin who knew a lot about my daily routine, and got me wrapped around her finger in all the wrong ways I couldn’t see coming. To cut the miserable story short, I lost a lot of money in the process of her short-term revenge diversion game. We were planning to get married when she left me to go marry someone else. I nearly committed suicide.

DBM: How did you find out it was a conspiracy?

Awal: The cousin I used to fuck with came to my office to tell me why I was never going to see her cousin again. And truly, I never saw her cousin again.

DBM: Wait! The one you played was the one in your office in this scenario?

Awal: Yes. I didn’t set eyes on the one I was planning marriage with again.

DBM: There was no further communication, breakup, closure, etc.

Awal: Nothing. We were on good terms the night before her cousin’s visit to my office.

DBM: Did you live together?

Awal: No, but I had rented a house for her. Bought a brand-new car for her. Paid her debts and loans. Spent on her. I spent monies I hadn’t even spent on myself before on her because I wanted to impress. She made me fall in love hard, Dave.

DBM: What in your opinion, made her stand out and not blend in?

Awal: She made me a priority in the beginning stages of our relationship and I thought that had set the precedent for how I would reciprocate. I believed she was consistently into who I was, and was happy to be all in with me. I didn’t see the reason to be pulling her back and forth in the games I used to play.

DBM: You never had a sense of her hiding something from you?

Awal: No.

DBM: How long were you together?

Awal: 1 year and six months. After her cousin’s visit to my office, I went to the house I had rented in her name and she had packed out. It happened so fast I couldn’t make the head or tail of it.

DBM: Did you find out where she had gone to?

Awal: The cousin mentioned at the office that she had traveled abroad to be with her husband, which I did not believe. But she made me understand she had it all planned out because she knew I liked beautiful women. Her cousin was the perfect beauty to seduce and lead me on, mess me around and then discard me. She disappeared in a puff of smoke, Dave.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Awal: After finding out that she had packed out, I went back to my car with the intention of driving to the police station to make a formal complaint. It was a really hard time period for me because I had made a quick turn in a corner onto the main street without really paying attention to the road. Truthfully, she appeared from nowhere into the crossing and I hit her with my car. I stopped and immediately ran out to see if she was okay. She was bleeding profusely. My second worse nightmare in life was when I first came in contact with my wife. I did not know what to do that instance. A few guys came over to help me carry her to my car. We sent her to the nearest hospital, and that was when it hit me, she could die. I broke into uncontrollable tears. It all started coming back to me, the love of my life that had vanished on me. The dream to be married that had been taken away from me by a vengeful woman and her cousin. The money I had lost. The innocent lady I had maimed and wasn’t sure whether she could fight for her life or not at the hospital.

DBM: I can only imagine your devastation

Awal: God being so good, she gained consciousness on the second day and I was allowed to see her. She looked at me oddly and managed to smile at me. I knelt by her bed and asked for forgiveness. She lifted her right hand to touch my shoulder and I looked straight into her eyes with tears in mine. She smiled with mercy and grace in eyes for me. Something inside of me loosened. I was touched by her smile. I was moved by the look in her eyes. That look threw a hint of light to shine through my darkness. That was the beginning of our attraction and friendship and relationship and later, marriage.

DBM: What else about her genuinely got you hooked?

Awal: She wasn’t performing to win my attention. A lot of the girls I usually would go for in the past I think put on a show to match my performances. She was deeper than a performance.

DBM: Was she your usual type?

Awal: No. But I felt safe and the connection felt real. I didn’t have to perform or impress. I experienced an honest feeling oozing out of me.

DBM: Did she feel the same way towards you?

Awal: She was developing likeness for me.

DBM: What else got you hooked?

Awal: She knew how to listen and make me feel heard and seen. There was warmth in how she made me feel seen. I could be myself around her, Dave. She made me laugh. She made me smile. She knew how to tease me softly and sweetly. It lightened my world and made me feel like I could be alive and lighter all over again. I felt at ease. She embraced my walls with peace. She had an independent life of her own. An impressive life, as a matter of fact. Goal driven, passionate about her career, super smart and intelligent. Very hardworking and forceful. That, was attractive to me. She was a complete package of her own who just happened to like being around me too. She didn’t need me to be her knight and shining armor. She wanted me to ride along her journey. My wife is a lady. She carries her presence without trying too hard for attention or validation.

DBM: Is she the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Awal: She’s the only woman I’ve been with since hitting her with my car. There’s nothing brand new out there that can’t be drawn from my well at home.

DBM: Water is tasty.

Awal: Lol. Dave, my well is sourced from an underground aquifer deep in my wife’s soil. It’s naturally filtered but a little bit of high concentration of her soil minerals can easily influence her taste to sparkling water. Sometimes, she tastes like spring water. Most times, she’s regular tap water but she can be ionized with rich minerals to raise her pH level to a smoother alkaline water. Her water can be distilled. Water is tasty when you’re thirsty enough. How old are you, Dave?

DBM: 41

Awal: Who taught you that phrase? Water is tasty isn’t for your generation

DBM: I can be an unassuming gentle bad boy sometimes. I know a thing or two about the water I drink.

Awal: What kind of water do you drink?

DBM: Mine also has sodium (Na⁺), potassium (K⁺), and chloride (Cl⁻) dissolved in it. Sometimes it tastes sweet. Other times, it’s sour. It tastes bitter or salty once in a while when we’re mad at each other. But this morning, it certainly was umami

Awal: Lol.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your marriage?

Awal: Contentment. Having a sense that I am enough. My wife is enough. Every moment in our marriage is enough, whether good or bad. Finding sufficiency in the enough and accepting what and who I chose to have in my life to do life with in this present moment. There’s nothing to compare if you dwell, commit to and savor the enough.

DBM: This was a good conversation. Thank you for your time.

Awal: Thank you.

Imagine Credit: RDNE

Coupling Right

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Pete: My wife was a placeholder in her ex-fiancé’s life after they had been together for 9 and half years. She gave him her best years until he met this young other lady that he later married. They’re divorced now, last I heard. Anyway, I asked my wife to marry me, 9 days after meeting her. She was 34. I was 39. I, alongside a few senior members of my family went to her father’s house to announce my intentions of marrying her. My wife was shocked. Her parents were shocked. My parents were confused because they didn’t know anything about her. My wife didn’t even know the names of my parents or siblings. In fact, she did not know my full name. She did not know where I stayed. I was in shock, yet I did it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nine days after you first set eyes on her?

Pete: 9 days. We got married 2 months later. It took 2 months because we had to follow her church’s laid down guidelines for marriage.

DBM: Did you know her that well to want to make such a huge commitment?

Pete: No

DBM: So, what was your reason then?

Pete: I knew what I wanted. I had been dating and chasing different girls prior to meeting my wife. I knew who I wanted for a wife the second day I went on a date with her. She was the woman I was certain I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

DBM: What was so special about her?

Pete: I cannot pinpoint the imperfectly perfect attributes to her as at that time, but I knew for a fact that she did not tick all of my usual boxes of what I often would go for in a woman. She was my type, yet wasn’t my type but I still somewhat, wanted to be near her. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted to be a better man for her to know. I wanted to make her smile and see her laugh. I wanted her to feel loved. I wanted her to have my love.  It’s a silly unaccountable good feeling.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pete: 27 years in September.

DBM: How did you meet?

Pete: I gave her a free ride in my car at a bus stop. It was raining and she was crying. As soon as I caught sight of her, I just knew I wanted to make her smile. It wasn’t love at first sight that struck like a lightening to leave me wondering. It was simply a gesture to want to see her smile. And she smiled for me eventually when I got her home.

DBM: How has the 26 years of being together been like?

Pete: It’s been good, it’s been bad but overall, good for me.

DBM: Kids?

Pete: No

DBM: You want kids?

Pete: I do but her situation is unique and we may not be able to have children of our own.

DBM: What is her unique situation, if you don’t mind sharing?

Pete: Before we got married, she had made me understand that she had had 4 abortions due to unplanned pregnancies for her ex-fiancé, and wasn’t sure the state of her womb.

DBM: Did it bother you?

Pete: Initially, it did not till I found out her ex had two kids with the woman he married. That got me angry because we had been married for 5 years by then. But I’d want to state that I came into this marriage with my eyes wide open.

DBM: Can you still do the rest of your life with her without children in the marriage?

Pete: Dave, childbearing has not taken too much of a toll on our marriage. We are content with what our situation offers us presently. We are taking advantage of the extra time, the extra money that could have been spent on a child, and the total freedom to do things for each other. It’s not an obligation to be a parent.

DBM: I concur. It’s not for everyone.

Pete: Yes, but it’s also a choice.

DBM: Have you had an affair or attempted to have a child outside of your marriage?

Pete: No. Respect for a spouse is not a light switch. Love is not a light switch we turn on and off to betray the people we are supposed to honor, as and when we please. My wife is the only woman who has ever made me feel at peace with my decision to want to marry and stay married to just one woman. She gives me every reason to want to be exceptional. Exceptional men stay true to their words. I vowed to make her feel loved and seen and valued. I’m going to keep my word.

Image Credit: Japhet Kweba

My Father’s Son

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Maryam: I fell in love and got pregnant for a man who we later found out is my father.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh!

Maryam: Yes

DBM: How are you doing?

Maryam: I’m fine today

DBM: How old are you?

Maryam: 27

DBM: You grew up not knowing who your father was?

Maryam: My mother was 18 years old when she got pregnant with me. She was involved with my father for a month and she never got to see him again.

DBM: How so?

Maryam: She couldn’t really explain the full story. They were meeting to hook up for that month in a guest house. She didn’t know where he lived or worked. All she knew was his first name and what he looked like.

DBM: Did he know about the pregnancy?

Maryam: No

DBM: What was his reason for disappearing on your mom?

Maryam: He had been transferred to the North, and was in the process of packing out when he met my mother. He remembers casually meeting with several women to have fun with and wasn’t particularly thinking any of them could get pregnant.

DBM; So, it wasn’t an exclusive something with your mother?

Maryam: Not according to him.

DBM: But he knew your mother’s name, no?

Maryam: Vaguely, but he remembered her face when he saw a picture of her.

DBM: Ha!

Maryam: I gave birth to my own brother.

DBM: You carried the pregnancy to term?

Maryam: I was in my 32 – 33ish weeks’ gestation. It couldn’t have been aborted

DBM: I see. How did you meet?

Maryam: In traffic. He gave me a lift home after work, and he pursued me afterwards.

DBM: You’re single?

Maryam: Yes

DBM: I’m guessing he’s a single man too, no?

Maryam: He’s married

DBM: You knew of his marital status before or after your first intimate encounter?

Maryam: After

DBM: I see. And, how long have you two been an item?

Maryam: We met on February 11th, 2025

DBM: How long has he been married to his wife?

Maryam: 12 years

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Maryam: I’m not sure Dave. I feel hurt and heartbroken. It’s disappointing and devastating to say the least.

DBM: Do you love him?

Maryam: I am in love with him. He’s the gentlest, most emotionally available, kind hearted man I have ever met in my life.

DBM: Does he love you?

Maryam: I don’t know, but I knew I was falling in love with him when I realized how often he would call me every evening, wanting to share details about his day with me, and wanting to know about mine.

DBM: How did you find out he was your dad?

Maryam: I visited my mother to inform her about my pregnancy. She wanted to know about the father of the child. I showed her pictures of him.

DBM: How old is your dad?

Maryam: In his late 40’s

DBM: How does he feel about everything happening?

Maryam: We’re still trying to figure out whatever this situation is

DBM: How is your mother processing everything that has happened?

Maryam: She’s trying not to venture into the land of self-pity

DBM: Are you still being intimate with this guy?

Maryam: No, but he visits me at home every day. He’s taken over the full responsibility as a father should, to his son.

DBM: What is your mother’s relationship with him now like?

Maryam: She has no relationship with him. They’ve talked only once, after introducing them.

DBM: Is your mother married?

Maryam: Yes.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

A Piece Of My Thoughts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I’ve been following the court case/sentencing/verdict reading of Latoshia Daniels, who killed her pastor Brodes Perry. The jury found her guilty and was charged with first degree murder. Facing the rest of your life in prison isn’t cute. It’s rather unfortunate but this is what really caught my attention; her reasons for doing what she did, “He broke my heart”. That was her excuse.

So, Latoshia had been married and divorced twice. The two ex-husbands were behaving typically like what most/some men do, entertaining other women on the side and lying about it. Now, it was taking her a bit of time to recover from the betrayal of her ex-husband, and so she decided to try a new route: church. She joined this new church and built a healthy community sort-of. To the extent that, she became one of the church’s small group leaders. Latoshia was a mental health professional. In that small group she led was the late pastor Brodes Perry. He was an Associate pastor at the church. Perry was married and also handled part of the youth ministry in the church.

He built friendship with Ms. Daniels because she seemed to be loved by most of the people in the church. Over time, Latoshia found trust in their friendship, and decided one day to share her life’s experience with Brodes. Including details about her past marriages. The second time they met in the office, Pastor Perry told her he had been trying his darndest best not to cross the lines with her but couldn’t, and so he kissed her and they ended up making out in the office for the first time. The act, Latoshia claims confused her.

That was the beginning of their relationship. Prior to them officially beginning with what Pastor Brodes termed an Ethical non-monogamy relationship, he had rules, that according to him, all the women in his life followed. An indirect contractual agreement. She was not supposed to approach him in public because he would probably be with another woman, or his wife. She was not supposed to have any clothes on anytime it was her turn to meet with him in a room. He would give stipends as and when he deemed fit and wasn’t supposed to expect it. I read a comment from another young lady who allegedly was also involved with Brodes, that the ladies were at liberty to gift him any and everything, but he wasn’t obliged to reciprocate. And because he was a married man, he wasn’t going to marry any of the women he was dealing with. The rules and conditions were many, but these are the ones I am choosing to highlight.

Latoshia, unfortunately, fell in love with this man and started to do a lot for him to notice her. She spent money and gifts on him. In as much as she knew she was doing the wrong thing dating a married man, she believed herself to be a good woman, smart, and decent. According to her account, the head pastor at the church knew about her relationship with Pastor Perry, and nothing was said/done about it; meaning… (You can fill in the blanks). Yhup! A boy child will only follow or do what he sees his father do.

Why did she kill pastor Brodes? According to her, his behavior and communication was undermining her well-being and happiness. He manipulated her, had no respect for her or her boundaries during intimacy, and would emotionally, physically or psychologically harm her – depending on his mood swings. He constantly dismissed her feelings and it was diminishing her self-esteem over time. He disregarded her needs and would only prioritize his own desires without regard for mutual respect or compromise. His control and dominance over her and the other women were deliberate and it broke something in her to push her into pulling the trigger.

It’s sad that she allowed the foolishness of a man to make her act foolish. Any relationship that is putting fire in your belly, or making your gut feeling uncomfortable is a sign to take a back seat, and learn everything you can about the person you’re dealing with. His behavior will someway, somehow escalate from toxicity to abuse; especially men who talk to, or about women anyhow. If he’s criticizing your opinions or choices the least chance he gets, it simply means a day is coming – he may eventually resort to some form of severe abuse, which, if you’re not careful, may tempt you to react in a manner you’re not ready for.

Do not subject yourself to any form of disrespect, all in the name of love. Love is supposed to be kind to you. Kind in words. Kind in actions. Kind in deeds.

A piece of my thought.

David Bondze-Mbir

Six-Year Hiatus

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Crai: Hello David. I was once in a relationship with this man I’m about to talk about. We were very much in love but he broke my heart. And because of the why behind his reasons for doing what he did to me, a big part of me unconsciously blocked anything that reminded me of him in my heart and mind. He ended our 3-year relationship because he felt he didn’t make enough money to enable him take care of us. Mind you, I had never asked him to spend on me. I was working and probably even making more money than he was but he left me for a rich widow who was 12 years older than him. He was not in love with the lady. He told me so himself. He ended things with me because the widow wanted to date him and needed him to be completely single. He asked me not to date anyone and give him 6 years to achieve his dreams through the widow’s support and then he will end things with her and come back for me. His six years with her ended in July 2025, and true to his word, he’s back asking for my hand in marriage. She funded his masters and PhD in Europe, used her connections to link him to land his current job and now he even has a 3-bedroom house of his own. His contract with the widow was for 6 years.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are you?

Crai: 42

DBM: How old is he?

Crai: 44

DBM: Did you wait during his six-year hiatus or you also dated other people?

Crai: I was the lady in waiting

DBM: Why?

Crai: He’s the only man I’ve ever truly loved

DBM: Were you in communication with him after he broke things off?

Crai: He reached out to me twice every month to assure me he was going to keep his word.

DBM: Just that?

Crai: Yes. It did not go beyond that. He gave that assurance twice every month and would ask me to wait for six more years, five more years, four more years, three more years, two more years, one more year etc.

DBM: You believe he loved you?

Crai: I believe he is in love with me.

DBM: Were finances the only reason for his decision?

Crai: Yes. He used to always complain to me about feeling less of a man because he couldn’t bring in as much to support our relationship. I wasn’t even complaining, Dave.

DBM: Why him?

Crai: He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met. What he did to our relationship was dishonorable but he’s an honorable man. I remember the night he ended our relationship; he held my two hands in his and he started to pray and bless me. I cannot describe that evening with the right words. I broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. I cried so hard he started to also cry. He couldn’t stop himself from crying. It was a powerful moment. That was when I knew he was really in love with me and felt bad about his decision.

DBM: He felt bad about his decision but went ahead with it anyway

Crai: Yes. I’m not going to pretend I understand why he did what he did to me but after that night of our break-up, prayer and tears, I developed a new found respect and admiration for him. He’s a powerful man.

DBM: What I want to know is, he did not cheat on the widow with you during the six years break?

Crai: He did not. He also told me he did not cheat on her with anyone else. He entered into a contract and fulfilled his part of the deal.

DBM: What’s your current opinion of him?

Crai: I don’t know if I can trust him again.

DBM: What he did to you, in my opinion, is a subtle warning flag. It may seem small a red flag to him, but it’s still something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

Crai: Yes. And my guards are all up

DBM: Well, there are people worth letting your guard down for. Question is, is he one of those?

Crai: I still love him very much but I am so scared. He’s asking me to marry him, Dave. He doesn’t want to date all over again or hang around. He’s asking to go see my parents.

DBM: I married someone who could be with me despite the troubles and my lack thereof. My partner is someone who could see that I would eventually get there, and was willing to tag along for the ride. Next year, we will be eight years on this ride.

Crai: You think I should risk it?

DBM: You already risked your heart in waiting for six years. You’ve offered him the power to hurt you, betray and reject you. What else is there to him to fear?

Crai: Hmmm.

DBM: Be upfront with what you need from him and be honest with yourself about exactly what you need. There’s no point in holding back if you’re genuinely, that much into him.

Crai: I know I will be happy and in love with him. I will be my most passionate with him.

DBM: Let’s go for it then. There is true joy in true love.

Crai: Let’s go for it. David, thank you very much.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

Guess I’ll Hang My Tears Out To Dry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Gyan: I never knew who my father was. I never met him. I wish I knew what he looked like. My mother had no proof of his existence, not even pictures. The name representing my father on my birth certificate is my mother’s closest friend. My mom died of cancer last year. She was a nurse.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): I’m sorry to hear that. How old was mum?

Gyan: In her 50’s. She had me when she was 17

DBM: Oh! That young?

Gyan: She was raped by my father.

DBM: I see

Gyan: Before my mom passed she told me the full story behind my birth. It was my first time hearing the story. I resent my mother for keeping this information from me. Also, the fact that I am a by-product of rape hurts me.

DBM: You are a by-product of GOD’s ultimate design. Your DNA, all else there is to you: strengths, weaknesses, capabilities etc. all play a huge part in His plan for you. You are not who you are today by accident. You have always been in GOD’s care, even before your conception.

Gyan: I don’t believe in these motivational quotes anymore, sorry.

DBM: That’s also understandable. What was the story your mother told you?

Gyan: When she was 16, she had to study for an exam. One of the science teachers at her school was National Service personnel. He lived in the same compound house she and her mother lived. He had been posted there for a year. Mom said she wasn’t feeling well one afternoon and had to skip school. She had finished eating, gone to take a cold bath and fallen asleep in her room. She woke up a few hours later to him having sex with her. She said she begged him to stop but he had her hands pinned above her head. She couldn’t tell anyone because she felt no one would believe her. Also, the guy was calm, and liked by many in the compound and neighborhood. Very charismatic. My mother says the incident happened just once and was pregnant after a month. She didn’t know she was pregnant.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate.

Gyan: But Dave, would you classify this as rape? Because my mother also said they were very close friends, aside him being her teacher.

DBM: How close?

Gyan: Flirtatiously close. She said they had kissed before and even attempted to have sex but didn’t.

DBM: Per the account you just gave, he raped her. She did not consent to sex when she woke up and found him on top of her, did she?

Gyan: No.

DBM: Why don’t you see it as rape?

Gyan: Because I do it sometimes to my wife when she’s intentionally denying me sex. She knows I love sex and would punish me occasionally by denying me when we have a misunderstanding. I get up at dawn and have my way with her by force. She gets cold mad and insults me but we end up having consensual sex after a few days, and things would be back to normal.

DBM: Does your wife ask you to stop when you’re forcing yourself on her?

Gyan: Yes, she tries to push me away but she knows I get a bit carried away when she treats me like that.

DBM: You’re repeating your father’s exact insolence. You value your power over your wife more than her comfort and autonomy. Your father did not respect your mother for doing what he did to her. You do not respect your wife enough as a person.

Gyan: I love my wife

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Gyan: I do.

DBM: I see. What you sometimes do to your wife is slowly shattering her confidence. Is she a happy woman?

Gyan: I do the best I can to make her happy.

DBM: You need to ask her if she’s happily married to you. A lot of women are living a quiet life of suffering, enduring so much in their marriages till they can’t wait to break free. And they always break free at last.

Gyan: Ok.

DBM: What inspired your mother to become a nurse?

Gyan: Well, her primary goal wasn’t to provide care for patients in their most vulnerable state. A sense of drive was to someday be working in the same hospital my father would seek treatment for an illness, so she could attend to him and pay him back, which she finally did.

DBM: What do you mean by that?

Gyan: My mother kept transferring to different hospitals or clinics, and I had to do a lot of moving around with her. At first, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t sit still but before she died, she told me we were moving around to different locations because she had been tracking my father for more than 30 years. Everywhere we moved to meant my father lived in that city or region. He fell sick and was unfortunately admitted to the hospital my mom was placed. She found out he was on admission and sneaked her way in his ward to give him the wrong injection. He mysteriously was pronounced dead one dawn.

DBM: Your mother went too far. This is not right!

Gyan: That is the baggage of information she had to confess to before passing on.

DBM: I can only imagine the weight of it on you.

Gyan: Do you still believe God created me into all this mess for a reason?

DBM: GOD knew about you then. GOD certainly still knows about you now. And you know the best part?

Gyan: What?

DBM: GOD will know all there is to you in the future. I only hope you wouldn’t allow your emotions to be constantly dictating your actions. Real men do not excuse their bad behavior because their emotions got a little triggered. If you continue to justify how you choose to sometimes treat your wife unfairly, she will lose trust in you. And when a woman decides not to trust you again, she will seek her own liberation from your control. She would want to regain her life, her dignity, and her power, so she can pursue what is really deserving of her.

Gyan: This was a good chat. Let’s do it again another time.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

Passion Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ava: Can we chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Sure

Ava: I’m dating a guy who is getting a divorce. We co-own a house and three different plots of land. My name is on all the deeds of the properties because he doesn’t want to give his ex-wife access to them.

DBM: He is married.

Ava: No, he’s in the process of divorcing. They’ve been separated for two years

DBM: He’s still married. Has he showed you a signed divorce decree from a judge?

Ava: No.

DBM: Okay! He’s legally married.

Ava: His wife sent a text message to members of my church and everybody at my workplace, telling them I’m sleeping with her husband.

DBM: Are you sleeping with her husband?

Ava: Dave, my relationship with her ex-husband has nothing to do with her.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Ava: Two years. Almost three years

DBM: How did she know where you work and church?

Ava: I don’t know but I received phone calls from 45 of my church members and 17 of my colleagues from work about her text messages. She has really embarrassed me.

DBM: I’m sorry about that. What is her husband saying about what she did to you?

Ava: He’s handling it

DBM: How?

Ava: I don’t know, but he’s handling it.

DBM: Okay! You know it’s never too late to be a better version of the woman you want to be? A man jumps into a new relationship with you while still tied to his wife, and it’s not a bother to you?

Ava: What do you mean by that? I’m my best self

DBM: Okay! Are you happy in the relationship?

Ava: Very happy, Dave. He treats me well

DBM: Does he treat his wife well?

Ava: How does that concern me? Anytime he looks at his wife, though he cares about her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, excitement and love he once did.

DBM: She’s a woman he’s very familiar with and has known longer than you. He even married her. If he’s not treating her right, then his character will sooner than later catch up with you too. Does that not ever cross your mind?

Ava: We are two different people, Dave. His relationship with her has got nothing on what we have. Secondly, he says anytime he expresses how he feels about their marriage to her, he now has to deal with how she feels about his feelings as well. That’s why he deals with his thoughts on his own.

DBM: Betrayal often repeats itself

Ava: I love him. He is in love with me too

DBM: Love doesn’t change men like these overnight. Your love will never be enough to keep him faithful.

Ava: I am pregnant and he’s asking me to get rid of it.

DBM: Why?

Ava: He’s done with parenting.

DBM: How old is he?

Ava: 50

DBM: How old are his children?

Ava: His last born is 16 years old

DBM: How old are you?

Ava: 34. I want to keep the pregnancy

DBM: You want to have a child for a man who is trying anything to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?

Ava: No one is perfect, Dave. We all have our weaknesses.

DBM: You’re not responsible for someone else’s weakness. You’re responsible for your own.

Ava: His mother wants me to keep the pregnancy

DBM: How did she know about you?

Ava: She knows about me. She approves of our relationship.

DBM: I see!

Ava: I’m worried that he may want to end things with me if he finds out about my decision.

DBM: Be worried about the lies he will be telling you that will keep getting bigger and bigger, because it’s hard for men like him to stop. It’s automatic

Ava: You’re not helping, Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

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