Tag: Family

Exploring Gray Areas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, no judgement. We know you. You think every black man is up to no good. That was just by the way. There was a time in my life that I had to be tilting the screen of my phone away from my wife anytime she walked by. A lot was happening on the apps on my phone that I didn’t want her to see. I had to be changing my passwords often because she was getting suspicious. It got to that point where privacy suddenly meant everything to me. I was in the wrong for having all these cheating tools hiding in plain sight.

I didn’t know she had installed Spynger and Eyezy to track activities on my phone, computer and cloud. She had access to all my SMS messages, call logs, photos, files and even my location. Things and contacts I had deleted, she had access to all. Dave, I work in IT, and mSpy had been installed and running quietly in the background, monitoring my social media posts, messages, friend lists, people I followed or chat with and I didn’t have a clue.
She gathered her evidence before confronting me. I didn’t have much to say because everything she was showing me did happen. She did not talk to me for two weeks. I came home from work one day and she told me she was no longer interested in having a monogamous relationship with me anymore. She wanted us to agree on guidelines that allowed us to screw or have emotional relations outside of our marriage. This is not an arrangement I was in favor of, but because I messed up first, I couldn’t fight it.
I asked if it was going to be purely sexual or we were allowed to look for emotional intimacy and she said she didn’t care. ‘Whatever happens, happens’. That was her response.

I also asked if we were going to play outside our marriage individually or together and she said individually. Dave, I love my wife and children and I do not want to raise my kids in two separate homes. That is why I was willing to allow her proposition in the first place, so she could even the score. I asked my wife how long she wanted the set-up to last so we could put the past behind us and get back to where we left off. She said the new arrangement was going to be our new normal. I’ve been thinking about this for sometime and have been wondering whether she’s opting for it because she already has someone in mind or she’s just not happy with our marriage?

I want to keep an open mind while I consider her offer. Though this might be the perfect opportunity for me to think outside the box about what more I might want sexually that I was afraid to ask previously, this eventually could also be the end of us if we are to open this door to explore the gray areas.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz

Let’s Talk To Ana

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 177: Hello Dave, I’m Ana.

DBM: Hello Ana. How would you describe yourself?

Ana: Modest, hardworking and someone who knows what she wants.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ana: I will say 8

DBM: Why 8, if I may ask? 😊

Ana: Lol! Well, I would have loved to have 3 kids but life is never perfect so l have 2. That is not to say I am not grateful for the 2, but would have been happier.

DBM: I see. 😊. Your husband participated in this experiment a few weeks ago. Did you read our conversation?

Ana: Yes, I did, and read all the comments. Some of the comments were quite interesting and that is why I decided to have this conversation with you.

DBM: Great! What is your take on your husband’s submission?

Ana: 😀 He literally spoke about our belief and how we run our home. Before we proceed Dave, the definition of a “traditional wife in my case is where I hold the fort (as my husband puts it): support my husband to bring the kill and I turn it into something substantial for our common good while using my feminine abilities to provide love and warmth in my home. I am not sure why the mention of “traditional wife” paints the picture of a woman sat at home doing nothing in modern minds. Remember, our grandmothers still went to the farm with our grandfathers and in some cases did ‘Bodwa Bodwa’ (small scale trade) and still played their roles diligently. My husband is mostly away, so it made sense to stay back and take care of the home and our investments.

DBM: How did you and your husband meet?

Ana: Lol! We were childhood friends. I got married to an “area boy”

DBM: Hehehe! What about him got you interested?

Ana: At a glance, what l noticed about him was how gentle, kind and meek he was. And when I got to know him, I realized he was meticulous to a fault. Very organized and someone who plans ahead. Above all he is such a handsome dude.

DBM: Was/is he the type of man you wanted for a husband? As in, your ‘type’?

Ana: Of Course!! My dream man.

DBM: Okay! Prior to marriage, what was your dream in life? What goals did you want to achieve, etc.?

Ana: My dream was to have financial freedom and be in the position to help people.

DBM: What’s your idea of a healthy marriage?

Ana: My idea of a happy marriage is when couples are transparent and are at peace with each other. Good marriage should make couples eager to come home to each other and not the other way round.

DBM: I concur. At what point did you know you wanted to marry your husband?

Ana: Well, I have known him since childhood, so I knew what I was going for, but the highlight was how he included me in all his plans even when the relationship wasn’t official. I realized we had a future together. Thus, we had the same dreams.

DBM: How are you doing as a wife in general?

Ana: I’m doing great as a wife because our plans are working and I’m happy with how far God has brought us.

DBM: What are you most excited about in your marriage during this season of your life?

Ana: I’m excited about how our plans are yielding the expected results as we are working together as a team. The future looks bright.

DBM: What are your biggest fears about your marriage?

Ana: Touchwood! Losing my partner or my little ones.

DBM: Hmmm! I can only imagine. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Ana: Hmmm! Dave, my husband’s job is a difficult one but quite rewarding. It takes every aspect of our lives. I’m not on the field with him but I have learned over the years to help emotionally, psychologically, etc. It’s a tough job and I have resolved to be his peace in the midst of everything. Also, coming home to the warmth and love of his family helps a lot. I’m fulfilled when I see him happy.  In addition, he is very busy with work, so I cater for the kids and all other needs for the family.

DBM: Is your love for your husband growing any stronger?

Ana: Lol, sure Dave. He makes me feel loved and appreciated. And that is enough for me.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the amount of time you spend together as a couple, since he seems to travel a lot?

Ana: Physically, I will say the time spent together is not enough, but we know it’s for a good course. Hence, I can’t complain; but technology has made it a little easier. We are constantly on video calls and it helps a lot.

DBM: This is just a random question flashing my thoughts: Which of you would have more happiness if you had more money?

Ana: I think both of us will be happy. Because we have dreams of doing a number of things together and that will help.

DBM: Do you trust your husband to be faithful to you?

Ana: Yes, I do. Humans are not perfect, and he can’t be an exception but his actions and inactions speak a lot about him.

DBM: Maame Somuah wants to know everything about being a ‘traditional wife’ in this fast-paced modern world, and with all of your qualifications

Ana: Dave, As I said earlier, the mention of the term “traditional marriage” created a certain impression. Now, it’s not how much you make as partners that count in this fast-paced world. It’s how much you are able to save and invest. The fact that both parents are busy making money doesn’t always mean they are keeping that money. In my case, I work by managing our projects and assets. The time and pain I take to make sure we get the best value from every penny we invest cannot be underestimated as no third party would have done that without it costing us a fortune.

DBM: Yaaba Ackah-Arthur doesn’t understand why you pursued higher education only to make your degrees redundant? She wants to also know if you have help with house chores or you do it all by yourself? She wants to know what you do when you have your ‘me time’, and your overall plans for the future – when your children are grown and independent?

Ana: Lol! Education is good and the fact that I’m not directly using my qualifications doesn’t mean I have no use for them. An anonymous person once said “University education is like a universal key and with that, one should be able to open a lot of doors”. Formal and informal Education are all important. Should you skip one of them, you lose out on a particular type of exposure. An educated (Formal) wealthy person is not the same as a non-educated wealthy one.

My mother lives with me and she helps from time to time, but I do majority of the chores. What I do with my “me time”…. I love watching movies, documentaries and listens to a lot of audio books – for education and entertainment.

Overall Plans for the future: Myself and my husband day dream about this all the time. We want to work together in family ventures (hospitality, real estate, agriculture and media). Hopefully the kids will tag along. If not, we will keep guiding them on their own’ paths. We plan to go travelling as well if God permit.

DBM: Adwoa Kissiwaa Yeboah is asking whether or not your husband helps with house chores when he is around? She’s also asking, on days you are not on good terms or fight with hubby, does he still provide 100% and take care of you and the home? Her third question is, if your family member (i.e.: parent, siblings) needs financial support, does this fall on your husband?

Ana: My husband sucks at cooking. I think I spoiled him on that. Lol! But he is amazing with taking care of the kids when he is around. In fact, that is his bonding time with them. And yes, he helps out with chores when he’s free. I actually gain weight when he’s home lol. Though we don’t fight often, we do not allow anger to stop us from caring for each other. It’s our rule to sort out any misunderstanding before we go to bed. Until then, I ask him what he wants to have for dinner in an angry tone. And still provides even though he would probably want to “kill” me at the moment.

Dave, you see, that is one problem with a lot of marriages today, individualism though you are seen as couples. But individual differences and actions triggers reactions. Because we work together for common goals, any financial problem from either of both sides is ‘our’ problem. So, we draw from family coffers to solve that problem.

DBM: Princess Korkoi Victory wants to know how you managed to put your zeal to work on hold/dormant? She’s of the opinion that, in-as-much you may be comfortable, there could be an element of loneliness from within, no? She wants to know if you’re doing any side businesses to at least keep you busy? And last but not least, if you put your money into investments that yields profits? She wants you to elaborate on the ventures you’re working on.

Ana: There is no element of loneliness as I’m a very busy person. Again, the goal is to gain financial freedom, and gain control of your time and life, but not just work. You can be the CEO of the biggest firm but your life will be miserable if someone controls your time. We think financial freedom will give us that control and we are working on that, so I’m not dormant. As stated earlier, we are into real estate, agriculture and media, aside my husband’s job.

DBM: Abigail Owusuwaa wants to know if you ever get bored when at home? She also wants to know if your children ever ask why you do not go to work?

Ana: It barely happens as there is always a lot to do. I bake at my free times and teach the kids as well. Yes, they do, but I explain to them that I work part-time as a project manager and take them to the site on weekends and vacations, so they get it. Dave, one thing I want to say is I’m grateful to the sisters on the platform for the concern they showed. But there shouldn’t be a cause to worry. I am covered. Everything we have acquired by the grace of God are in our names (maiden names). And touch wood! If anything happens, we split all into equal halves.

DBM: Participant 176, Ulani, left a question for you: ‘Talk about your best memory of your ex, and teach me how it is okay to think of the good things about mine.’

Ana: Personally, I think ex is for a reason. To dwell on the best memories with your ex, I would rather use that time and energy to create the best moments with my current partner.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ana: If money wasn’t a problem and you had all the resources to live comfortably, would you still be doing the job that you are in currently?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: El Gringo

Let’s Talk To Baaba

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 165:  Baaba

DBM: Hello Baaba. How would you describe yourself?

Baaba: I have an implausible ability to love, even if it hurts me

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Baaba: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Baaba: It’s been months since my husband underwent open-heart surgery to fix a valve that was leaking. An artery was also clogged, and so he got that too fixed. He’s slowly recovering; I thank God for that. Truthfully, I am doing everything possible to avoid problems that may slow down his recovery but I can’t seem to let go of an awkward moment he created the day of his surgery, at the hospital. The nurses took all foreign belongings they didn’t need him to carry along to the operating theater: his wallet, wedding ring, shoes, watch, etc. He refused to hand over his phone. He switched the phone off, and held on to it. The nurses assured him it would be in their care and wouldn’t be given to me, but he wouldn’t let go till one of the doctors came to the ward. He asked for a piece of paper to write an agreement to be signed by him and the lead surgeon, before releasing his phone.

DBM: Do you know why he would do that?

Baaba: I can only think of one thing you men are good at

DBM: Lol! And what would that be? Lol!

Baaba: You think it’s funny?

DBM: No!

Baaba: The scene he created made me start to suspect him. I demanded for his phone when they started preparing him for the operation, but the surgeon refused. I was very angry I called my lawyer to demand for his phone from the hospital’s management. The hospital’s administrator sent me a photocopy of the agreement my husband drafted, and part of it read, ‘in the Event of my Death, Dr … is to destroy my phone.’

DBM: Wait! How long was his surgery?

Baaba: Almost six and a half hours

DBM: I see

Baaba: He was in intensive care for more than a week after his surgery, and the phone was still in the custody of the doctor.

DBM: For me, it’s understandable. He was simply honoring the wishes of your partner.

Baaba: He could not trust me with his phone but I am expected to share every step of his recovery journey with him?

DBM: I think your focus should be on your husband and other positive thoughts. He’s recovering from heart surgery and needs to be stable

Baaba: Dave, I’m having this experience too, it’s not just him. Do you know what it feels like to watch your husband go through pain?

DBM: Hmmm!

Baaba: He and I are supposed to be a team.

DBM: What did you think you were going to find on his phone?

Baaba: Evidence of an affair, or he has another family with a child involved

DBM: Is your husband the type to hurt your feelings that way?

Baaba: After what I witnessed at the hospital; anything is possible. The saddest part of it all is, my husband used to be that man who gave me the best memories. Lately, I look at him and he’s become a sour memory.

DBM: I will not doubt your suspicion. From my little association with women, I’ve come to realize you people can tap into a man’s actions faster and more effectively. It could be that you picked up what your partner wouldn’t consider – a very subtle clue into his deeds

Baaba: That’s every woman’s intuition, Dave

DBM: I know. But for the time being, I would suggest you navigate your thought-processes with a little bit of confidence in him.

Baaba: I cannot

DBM: He’s home now, no?

Baaba: Yes

DBM: And you still cannot have access to his phone?

Baaba: He’s deleted whatever he didn’t want me to find out on his phone

DBM: How do you know this?

Baaba: Because he leaves his phone unattended; something he never did

DBM: I see. You have children?

Baaba: Yes, and I am raising them almost alone

DBM: Why is that?

Baaba: He thinks his responsibility is to only provide for the house and pay school fees. I have to sometimes force him to stay at home and make time for our children.

DBM: What is his excuse to be going out that often?

Baaba: He says the children stress him

DBM: But they don’t stress you too?

Baaba: Ask him for me. Hmmm!

DBM: Do you work?

Baaba: I am a Charted Accountant, Dave. I am a very busy woman but I prioritize my marriage and children. My husband does not, and I have to still muster up a feeling of courage to still smile and carry on.

DBM: I honestly do respect parents who can raise strong children and intentionally, lay a pattern of decent living by their own example of life. I applaud your level of resilience

Baaba: It’s not easy

DBM: I can only imagine. Participant 164, Juliana, left a question for you. ‘Whoever is next should evaluate my final decision’

Baaba: Juliana made the right decision. I do not believe that once you are married, your self-worth has to take a backseat to the other party’s mess. A man’s dishonesty cannot be your reality. No woman should endanger her heart just to follow a dishonest man, in the name of marriage.

DBM:  It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Baaba: I don’t have a question

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Jackson David

Let’s Talk to Aggrey and Lora

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 158a: Aggrey. I am doing this with my wife.

Participant 158b: My name is Lora

DBM: Hi Aggrey and Lora. How would you describe yourselves?

Aggrey: I am a man willing to understand my wife’s point of view, and listen to anything she has to say. I am 44 years

Lora: I’m a wife and mother. I’ve been married for 12 years. I’m a lawyer by profession, and always want to hear the truth, because I try to tell you what I believe is the truth.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Aggrey: 8

Lora: I am 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Aggrey: I came across your Blog and the conversations you’ve been having with people. I shared it with my wife, months ago to read, and we’ve both expressed interest in participating. We’ve agreed to put our marriage under your microscope

DBM: Hehehe

Aggrey: You can ask us any question

DBM: That includes uncomfortable questions?

Lora: Yes

DBM: Okay! What are you astoundingly good at?

Aggrey: I have the ability to have good fun. I also know how to express my feelings, desires and needs without mincing words. I know how to make you laugh.

Lora: That’s very true. We have a lot of humor in our marriage, and we know how to laugh together. What he forgot to also add, he makes his relationship with me a priority, no matter what.

Aggrey: Oh! I do?

DBM: Lol!

Lora: Yes dear, you do. You choose to always spend your free time with me.

Aggrey: But I spend my Friday nights drinking with buddies too

Lora: True, but you’re home before 9:30 pm. You’ve been consistent with that over the years

Aggrey: I guess, I try to be considerate with your feelings. And I want nothing more than to make you as happy as possible

Lora: I am truly happily married to you

DBM: Happy wife, happy life couldn’t be more true

Lora: Exactly!

DBM: What are you amazingly good at, Lora?

Lora: I’m good at making my marriage awesome. I do not compare my marriage to the ones I see around me, especially, on social media. I am good at discussing everything with my husband; if I am happy, I tell him about it. If I am worried about something, I tell him about it. If I am getting scared, confused or in fear, I tell him about it. If I accomplish something, I tell him about it

DBM: And, is he genuinely interested in listening to you?

Aggrey: I love to see my wife thrive and smile

Lora: I am also very good at my job. I am a combination of high intelligence, strong analytical and advocacy skills; I have the ability to communicate effectively – both in verbal and writing. I am passionate about my practice area, and have grasped excellence as an expert in my field. I appreciate the business side of law, but I am more conscious about the outcomes of my arguments.

DBM: What’s the last book that you couldn’t put down?

Aggrey: ‘Lucky Me: A Memoir of changing the odds’ by Rich Paul

Lora: ‘A Heart That Works’ by Rob Delaney. I am currently reading ‘The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Man’ by Paul Newman

DBM: What did you want to be when you were 15 years old?

Lora: A lawyer

Aggrey: I’m not sure what I wanted to become at that age. I wasn’t a serious kid

DBM: What do you place first in life?

Aggrey: Me, myself and I

Lora: God, followed by my own needs; and then that of my husband’s, children and others

Aggrey: Dave, can you answer the same question?

DBM: I have a personal relationship and communion with GOD, and so, like Lora, I try to do right by GOD. And then, would do right by myself. The third would be, to do right by those I love.

Aggrey: Nice

DBM: What one thing do you enjoy doing with your partner?

Aggrey: Sex isn’t the most important thing in my world, but it is one of my top needs in our relationship. I enjoy watching my wife walk in a lingerie in the bedroom. I’m a very visual guy, so she looking sexually desirable, gets me into the mood. One thing she does every Friday evening when I return home from work or out drinking with my guys is, I will enter our bedroom, and she’s sprawled on our bed, in one of her delicate and sexy lingerie, waiting to play. I get instantly aroused.

Lora:  I enjoy date nights with my husband. Once every week, we go out clubbing, dancing or partying. Other times too, we just go out to eat and talk. We go on road trips or just decide to travel outside of Accra. If we are not doing any of these things, we’re out going for a stroll, in a slow, relaxed way for our enjoyment. Some of these simple things aren’t tied to a tight budget. Enjoying a moment with the one you love shouldn’t always be about money.

DBM: What is your favorite memory from when you were dating? And, what do you think made it so fun?

Lora: My favorite memory with him from the past is still my present, fortunately for me

DBM: You care to share?

Lora: The effort he put into wooing me. How he pursued me. How he would date me. How he would take me out on a regular basis – just the two of us. Till date, he still plans for us to get away from the house, just to be alone with me.

Aggrey: The friendship we built is my favorite memory of us. The fun aspect of it would be how I managed to always persuade her to keep her trust in me.

DBM: Which of your body parts is your favorite?

Lora: My brain would be my favorite part. I think it’s what makes me who I am

Aggrey: Mine is my broad shoulders

DBM: What is your favorite part of who you are?

Lora: My honesty and ability to listen and learn. My husband knows I will remain faithful and will not cheat on him

Aggrey: I’m a protector, the defender of my family. I take ownership in leading my wife and children. I’m proud of the way I love unconditionally and sacrificially.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Aggrey: Yes

DBM: How long ago?

Aggrey: 9 years ago

DBM: Was it a one-time thing?

Aggrey: It happened twice

DBM: With the same person?

Aggrey: No

DBM: Why did you cheat?

Aggrey: I traveled and had gotten so horny. I was also feeling lonely

DBM: Does your wife know about it?

Aggrey: Yes. We discussed it, and she suggested I got laid

DBM: She suggested what?

Lora: I gave him permission to find a woman to fuck

DBM: Did he place such a request before you?

Lora: No!

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband before?

Lora: I have not

DBM: Are you okay with the idea of your husband sleeping with other people?

Lora: I am not, but if I am not in the position to satisfy him at any point in time, I will not mind giving him permission to find someone to satisfy his needs.

DBM: Will you be okay with your wife sleeping with other men?

Aggrey: No

DBM: Why not?

Aggrey: Her emotions may get involved, if she ends up liking the other guy

DBM: Emotions are not involved in your escapades?

Aggrey: What I did in the past was just for the sex

DBM: Had your wife not suggested what she did, would you still have cheated?

Aggrey: Probably

DBM: And, would you have come clean to her?

Aggrey: As in, tell her?

DBM: Yeah!

Aggrey: Probably not

DBM: Why not?

Aggrey: I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings

DBM: If you could invite any one person into your bed, who would it be and why?

Aggrey: Into my bedroom in the presence of my wife?

DBM: Yes

Aggrey: That is simple: Anita A. Akuffo. She reminds me of my wife. She has a bubbly personality, and just like my wife, she looks her most confident when she’s smiling, laughing or dancing. I don’t like TV but I watch TV because of her

Lora: I wouldn’t mind a threesome with John Dumelo. No, I would prefer my husband rather takes a seat to watch us in bed. He’s very handsome, and gentle. His arms can cuddle and treat a woman tenderly.

DBM: Is there a sexual act that you would like to try, but afraid to ask your partner?

Aggrey: My wife and I have tried a lot of different stuff when it comes to sex

Lora: I’d love to try sex in our car, at night, in town

Aggrey: We can plan and try it before the year ends? It can be fun

DBM: Do you think you have grown lazy in your relationship?

Lora: I don’t think so. I am still excited about my husband and our marriage

Aggrey: Our relationship is active and strong.

DBM: What is your favorite kind of porn to watch?

Lora: LOL!

DBM: Wait! Let me rephrase the question: How do you feel about your spouse watching porn?

Lora: I’ve caught my husband watching porn so many times. I am not bothered by it. We sometimes watch porn together in bed; it’s fun to watch fun stuff and talk nasty with him sometimes.

Aggrey: I love porn

DBM: How do you take each other for granted?

Aggrey: I wish I could participate more with household support.

Lora: I don’t want to do life alone, and I know you do your best to keep me happy. Just increase your participation in raising our kids, and most importantly, in decision making.

Aggrey: I will try

DBM: Thank you, Aggrey and Lora.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Price

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 156: Price

DBM: Hi Price. How would you describe yourself?

Price: I am where I am meant to be in life, and with the one I am meant to be with

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Price: I would say, 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Price: I want to talk about Mercy

DBM: Who is Mercy?

Price: My beautiful wife

DBM: That’s nice to know

Price: She’s been the perfect helper for me all these years

DBM: How long have you two been married?

Price: We are in our 25th year this year

DBM: Congratulations!

Price: Thank you!

DBM: What makes Mercy stand out and not blend in?

Price: My wife is very capable. She’s smart, loyal to a fault; a strong woman, merry and genuine with her actions towards me

DBM: How did you meet?

Price: She used to sell close to my former workplace and I used to buy from her

DBM: What was she selling?

Price: Kenkey and fish

DBM: Ga or Fante kenkey?

Price:  Kɔmi

DBM: I see

Price: Yeah

DBM: At what point did you know you were in love with her?

Price: I knew for the first time, the day I heard some of my colleagues at work discussing her

DBM: Discussing her in what manner?

Price: One wanted to pursue and just have sex with her

DBM: And, what was going through your mind after hearing this?

Price: I thought she didn’t deserve to be played

DBM: What made you any different from the other guy?

Price: I was interested in investing in her business

DBM: Why?

Price: Because she made good kenkey, and her shito was really good

DBM: It was business for you then, no?

Price: Business with a certain level of interest

DBM: Did you ever tell her the kenkey and shito were that good?

Price: I did, and so did everyone

DBM: When was the second time you knew you were that much into her?

Price: When I would go to her house to help her prepare the aflata.

DBM: What is ‘aflata’?

Price: It’s the fermented dough cooked with water. I would help her add it to the uncooked dough, before forming it into balls and steamed.

DBM: You knew how to make kenkey prior to meeting her?

Price: No! She taught me the process and I ended up practicing with her. I was the one also putting the corn husks in the bowl of warm water to soften, until they were pliable. I learnt a lot from her.

DBM: What else did you learn from her, aside the kenkey preparation?

Price: A lot. They weren’t direct lessons though. For example, I learned how to thrive in the workforce from her work ethic. I also got to understand that, in as much as she wanted a husband who had earning power, she wasn’t looking for a man to be the sole provider. I got to appreciate her ability to accept a man for who he is. In fact, prior to dating, we had become really good friends and had mutual circle of friends. She was, and still is attracted to smart men because education is important to her. She has a masters degree. She had a bachelors in Marketing when she used to sell kenkey.

DBM: Interesting

Price: Yeah!

DBM: Why do you think she liked you?

Price: I think she knew I was the real deal

DBM: Meaning?

Price: I had her best interest at heart. She knew I cared about her and was willing to help and support her the best way I could. She knew my work wasn’t as important to me as building a home and family. Emotionally, we were both mature; she knew she could count on me. I am trustworthy and good looking. Lol!

DBM: Smh!

Price: It’s the truth, Dave. I’m fine as hell. But on a more serious note, I was attracted to her positive energy and I loved her kind heart. Mercy is hands down, the sweetest, most loving and caring, hardworking woman I know. She is a great wife, excellent mother and my best friend.

DBM: What are some of the downs you’ve had to face in the marriage?

Price: I had one or two affairs, which I am not proud of. She caught me at a point, and separated from me. That was one of the difficult moments in our marriage.

DBM: Why did you cheat on her?

Price: She fell ill, and was bedridden for almost a year. I wasn’t getting any from her and so I thought it was okay to get it elsewhere.

DBM: Did you love whoever you were getting it from?

Price: It was strictly sex. My family is incredibly important to me

DBM: Okay!

Price: Another low was when one of our kids died

DBM: That could be the ultimate tragedy

Price: There is nothing more devastating. It takes a whole lot more than dedication to live through such a loss

DBM: There are no words

Price: Hmmm!

DBM: How did Mercy get over the news of your affair?

Price: My wife, first and foremost, is a forgiving person. She’s still not healed totally from my betrayal and I doubt there is any guarantee she’d be able to. I had to put a stop to it and was willing to completely, call it quits. There hasn’t been any form of communication or friendship between me and the other women. I had to go on my knees to apologize to my wife and children.

DBM: Children?

Price: I had to take responsibility and also let her feel my remorse through my children. I wasn’t willing to lose the woman I love. I had to even forfeit my rights to privacy. I made everything (phones, passwords, location, etc.) available to her perusal.

DBM: Participant 155, Jude, left a question for you: ‘What would you have done differently, if you were in my shoes?’

Price: If I were in Jude’s shoes, I would have stood by my wife’s decision. Dave, my wife makes me. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true. Mercy does complete me. Our wives are always the ones picking up the slack when we are or not around, and usually do this with all the support they know they can give to make things alright.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Price: Do you have the courage to be lonely?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Austin J. Best 

Let’s Talk To Jude

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 155: Name is Jude

DBM: Hello Jude. How would you describe yourself?

Jude: A widower. I am also a single-father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jude: Three

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Jude: When I am at work, everything seems okay, as if nothing has happened to me. But then I come home to an empty house; no wife, no home cooked meal. I have to now go to the kitchen and cook for myself. She was more than just my wife; she was my fashion designer. She chose what I wore because she had the perfect eye for dressing. I never imagined I would be grieving the loss of my wife, my best friend. I feel completely lost, Dave. I miss my wife so much. A huge part of me is absent.

DBM: How long were you married?

Jude: We would have been 10 years in December, 2023

DBM: How did she die?

Jude: She felt bloated and constipated, after undergoing surgery. She donated her kidney to our daughter. She was hospitalized for four nights due to the rate of her recovery process. According to the doctor, she could have lived a normal life with just one kidney. The hospital claims her death was not as a result of the surgery nor kidney failure. I have still not been able to process everything that I am feeling at the moment.

DBM: Which surgical procedure was performed?

Jude: Laparoscopic, I heard

DBM: You heard?

Jude: I was not consulted before undergoing the surgery.

DBM: You did not know about it?

Jude: My wife brought it up for discussion and I was emphatic about my disapproval of her decision.

DBM: Why were you against it?

Jude: Our daughter’s kidneys had begun to lose their function and were worsening over time. The disease had reached its late-stage and required dialysis and a transplant.

DBM: Which stage was your daughter’s condition?

Jude: Stage 5. Her GFR (mL/min) was less than 15. She had trouble concentrating, she couldn’t sleep, had puffy eyes, was vomiting every now and then; her skin started to darken, her urine was foamy, etc. Dave, a whole lot was going on with our daughter, I preferred her dead. She became numb more times than I had seen her smile or laugh.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Jude: One

DBM: I shared a synopsis of your situation on my Facebook timeline, five days ago, and asked people who had questions for you to send them to me. This is from Richard Qophi Testimony: “What factors or considerations led you to make such a difficult choice between your daughter and your wife?”

Jude: When I was dating my late wife, I made it clear that my priority was mainly to build a life with her. My job as a parent is not to protect my daughter. My job is to raise her with high self-esteem. My wife was the love of my life way before we even got pregnant. And nothing about my love for her changed, even after welcoming our daughter into our lives. Unfortunately, her attention switched from me to our daughter. When our daughter became seriously ill, and ultimately, a financial burden, one of the doctors suggested we considered letting her die peacefully – since we are still young and can get pregnant again. I thought through it thoroughly, and I was going to choose my wife over my daughter.

DBM: In your household, what are your priority list?

Jude: My needs come first, the needs of my wife come second, my daughter’s needs come third, and then that of my household needs as fourth.

DBM: This question is from Tracee Fry-Annan: “Will you consider therapy?”

Jude: I am not in the mood for therapy

DBM: Ruckie Ama Oboubi asks, “Do you see your wife’s decision to donate her kidney to your daughter as a form of guarantee towards her own total recovery?

Jude: Unfortunately, no. I see it as selfishness on her part.

DBM: Ruckie has a second question: “Would you have been proud of your mother if she had made a similar sacrifice for you, irrespective of your father’s disapproval?

Jude: Yes

DBM: Why is that?

Jude: Because she is my mother. My mother is not my wife.

DBM: When a woman is pregnant, her maternal love grows along with the baby in her womb. You know that, no?

Jude: I know

DBM: Your wife’s life took on a new meaning and suddenly was filled with the spirit of selflessness, no?

Jude: Yes

DBM: A woman’s child automatically becomes her topmost priority when her baby is born, you know that, no? Giving up so many things become natural to a mother. So far as it’s for the good of her child, she would do it without really thinking twice.

Jude: That is why I had an agreement with my late wife before we got married and pregnant, not to shift our priorities no matter what. And she agreed to it.

DBM: Simnyewuni Cinta asks, “Would you have been able to watch the love of your life wallow in grief for losing her only child?”

Jude: I would have been by her side to mourn our daughter. She wouldn’t have been going through loss all by herself. My wife knew in her heart that she could come to me with anything, at any time; no matter what the issue was, and no matter what mood I was in.

DBM: She came to you with a difficult decision that made absolute sense to her. And what did you say?

Jude: You will not understand me, Dave. I had a pact with my wife.

DBM: Regardless, she consulted you before making this big decision that has affected you both.

Jude: And what came out of her big decision?

DBM: Your daughter’s good health and being alive

Jude: To the detriment of?

DBM: Hmmm! Anane Wisdom Cyke Mawulolo wants to know the age of your daughter?

Jude: She’s seven years old.

DBM: Yaw Aboagye asks, “What was the survival rate of the surgery? And, what caused the death of your wife during recovery?

Jude: Her doctor says she had over 89% chance of surviving. They still do not know what caused her death.

DBM: Participant 154, Kuukua, left a question for you: ‘Do you think people are replaceable?’

Jude: My wife is not replaceable. I will not allow myself to be placed in a position of supplication.

DBM: Is your daughter replaceable?

Jude: Next question, please!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Jude: What would you have done differently, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Yusuf Çelik

Let’s Talk To Chibueze

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 135: Chibueze

DBM: Hello Chibueze. How would you describe yourself?

Chibueze: Married but single

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chibueze: A good 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Chibueze: We had been married for 10 years when my husband decided to leave me and the children. It happened quite suddenly, and he had made it clear to his parents, uncles and mine that there was no guarantee that he would return to me. To me, and the rest of the world I had the ‘perfect’ marriage, that when my husband told me he had fallen out of love with me – there were no warning signs with the size of a billboard clearly perceptible from a distance that rainy afternoon. It took me by surprise, Dave. In fact, he was the one always busy with work and life and had taken me and the children for granted.

DBM: Do you work?

Chibueze: I am an Associate Professor

DBM: Okay!

Chibueze: I will not downplay his responsibilities towards the children; he’s been providing for their every need. He was just not home enough to spend time with them. I, on the other hand wasn’t his priority after our 5th year in marriage. I realized it, and before coming to terms with it, was the spouse doing almost all of the giving, pleasing and compromising without getting anything back. On our 8th year of marriage, my well ultimately run dry and couldn’t put in as much effort to make our marriage what it used to be. My focus now was on my children and my own needs.

DBM: I can understand you. It’s very easy to see checkmate when I am not the one playing the game.

Chibueze: You play chess?

DBM: I have a fair idea of the game

Chibueze: Okay! And you’re right. I got scared of failing my children, that was why I made the decision to commit every breathing second of the past years immersed with my husband, even though he wasn’t showing any enthusiasm on his part to make our relationship a priority. I wanted him to want our marriage so bad that I actually forgot how to even love myself. He would only pretend to care about me when he wanted sex. My nine-year old daughter once said to me, ‘Mummy, I know daddy loves me and Joshua, but I don’t think he loves you like the way he loves us.’

DBM: Oh mine!

Chibueze: Yes, even my first child had noticed the friendship between her parents was gone

DBM: Or perhaps, was never even there to begin with?

Chibueze: Uhm, it was there in the beginning

DBM: Okay!

Chibueze: Or maybe not. You can never tell these things accurately. Dave, I held on for so long with the hope of him coming to his senses but he left the house for work, two years ago, and never returned to us. The children made me aware he was visiting them at school and would sometimes, take them along for the weekends and holidays. It was also through the children that I got to find out he was living with another lady, and that, they had a baby sister.

DBM: Hmmm! A friend of mine went through a similar ordeal. This is actually very familiar to me

Chibueze: How did she manage?

DBM: Oh, she’s doing way better in life now as a single mother than she was as a married woman. Sometimes, it’s just not worth it to be holding on to foolishness for foolishness’ sake

Chibueze: My husband wants to come back

DBM: Come back to what?

Chibueze: Me and the children

DBM: What did you do after finding out he has a child with another woman?

Chibueze: Nothing. Unfortunately, I had checked out of the whole being attentive to, and involved with him phase.

DBM: When I’m offering my very best and it’s still not enough, then you’re the wrong person I’m probably giving my all to.

Chibueze: That was the point I reached.

DBM: I’m interested in what’s actually changed for him

Chibueze: I haven’t asked. His family went to my family to plead on his behalf

DBM: What did his family do when they found out he’s moved in with another woman?

Chibueze: I didn’t tell them anything

DBM: But they knew, no?

Chibueze: They probably did

DBM: Do you want him back?

Chibueze: I started to chat with a guy last year and he’s expressed interest in me. I like him. I think I’m falling in love with him

DBM: What are you going to do?

Chibueze: I’ve been speaking with my lawyer and he thinks I can walk away from the marriage. My only concern is with the children. They didn’t ask for all this

DBM:  Will the kids have to change schools if you divorce?

Chibueze: Not really. No!

DBM: Will their relationship with you and their father be affected in any way?

Chibueze: No!

DBM: Can you and your husband be pleasant and accommodating when it comes to transitioning into the role of co-parenting?

Chibueze: Yes. The kids’ best interest will be at the front of every decision we’d take

DBM: Your children will be fine.

Chibueze: Hmmm!

DBM: Participant 134, Quinton, left a question for you: ‘Where lies your belief, God, luck or numerology?’

Chibueze: My personal belief is in God. Of course, I’ve also had doubts about His existence, but when I think of all the things/mysteries I’ve come to intuitively know and understand, which ordinarily, should be beyond my logical reasoning, my hope in things to come – which never seems to die, the extent at which my heart can love, there can only be a living God behind it all. I don’t think God is a math equation to be solved. God cannot be as a result of a conducted test. I just choose to have so much respect for God.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Chibueze: If you had to be in a long-term relationship for two years without your spouse’s physical presence, would you remain faithful?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Valdans Media

Let’s Talk To Ira

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 131: Ira

DBM: Hello Ira. How would you describe yourself?

Ira: I have to have money

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ira: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ira: My wife doesn’t want to be married again but I do. How do I get her to want to stay married?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ira: 7 years

DBM: Seven good or bad years?

Ira: It’s not been an easy journey but it wasn’t all that bad

DBM: Why does she want out?

Ira: She says I do not meet all of her needs

DBM: Meaning?

Ira: She’s not happy

DBM: What were her expectations of you and the marriage?

Ira: I don’t know

DBM: You have to ask her

Ira: She doesn’t know how to explain her feelings at the moment

DBM: Did she have any ‘problems’ with you prior to getting married?

Ira: Everybody had a problem or two with their significant others before marriage

DBM: Those problems do not go away after the wedding, you know that, no?

Ira: I know

DBM: You need to find out why she’s not happy

Ira: That’s the problem, she’s not able to point out the specifics. All she says is, ‘this marriage is not serving my best interest. I am not happy. I will be better off single’

DBM: Do you believe she would be happy as a single woman?

Ira: We have children, Dave. I feel that our personal pursuit for happiness shouldn’t be the first priority. The kids are

DBM: I disagree

Ira: Why?

DBM: Did you marry her because of children?

Ira: Not really

DBM: Why did you get married?

Ira: Because she used to make me happy and vice versa

DBM: So, which of you stopped trying as hard to keep the other happy?

Ira: I’d say she did

DBM: Why is that?

Ira: She became all about the children. She put me second.

DBM: Who is your first now?

Ira: Certainly not my wife

DBM: There’s a new first?

Ira: I am willing to drop her for my wife and start all over again if she’s open to making our marriage a priority.

DBM: In other words, your marriage is currently on autopilot?

Ira: Something like that

DBM: I can understand why it’s failing for the both of you

Ira: Marriage is difficult, Dave.

DBM: Because marriage in itself automatically creates problems. It is rife with its own issues

Ira: And I miss being single sometimes

DBM: You miss being single because when you’re a bachelor, you only make decisions for yourself; you’re focused on you and what keeps you excited. If you have a wife, you put your marriage first. Seven years into the marriage and your love is already dwindling?

Ira: Not mine, hers

DBM: Do you know what your wife wants or needs in order to be happy?

Ira: I think so, but I do not want to start something I know I cannot sustain

DBM: Is whatever it is above and beyond your ability?

Ira: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the catch?

Ira: I have my needs and wants too

DBM: And, at what point can the two of you consider compromising?

Ira: I was the one always compromising till I got fed up

DBM: I bet your wife would say same?

Ira: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the way forward?

Ira: I want to stay married

DBM: To?

Ira: My wife of course, who else? Lol!

DBM: Why are you sleeping with the other lady?

Ira: I am not. She’s someone I used to date

DBM: And?

Ira: I sometimes miss what we used to have

DBM: Does she know you’re married?

Ira: Yes, she’s also married

DBM: Why is she the someone you enjoy talking to?

Ira: Dave, before I met and married my wife, I had a life and friends of my own.

DBM: Now you’re married, you have children, your priorities change. You focus changes. Even your energy changes

Ira: My friendship with this woman is what is keeping me levelheaded

DBM: Have you explained this to your wife?

Ira: She thinks there is something going on between us

DBM: What ingredients constitute this friendship?

Ira: It’s a beautiful bond we share. We’re good friends, committed to what we have; there is respect, trust and service; we love on the level of the love and attention we give each other.

DBM: Is there something else beyond friendship going on?

Ira: Yes, but we have no plans pursuing an affair

DBM: If you say ‘we’, you mean you’ve both identified the on-going chemistry and its probability of infringing upon your boundaries?

Ira: Yes. I don’t want to be pressured to cut her off

DBM: Is the friendship worth losing your marriage?

Ira: She’s no bad energy

DBM: Are you still in love with her?

Ira: I care about her

DBM: What does that mean?

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Is your ex inserting herself between you and your wife?

Ira: No

DBM: Are you inserting yourself between your ex and her husband?

Ira: I don’t think so

DBM: So, say a definite ‘No!’

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Are you pursuing your wife as much as you’re invested in whatever it is you share with this your lady friend?

Ira: I try

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Ira: I think so

DBM: Do you value her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you cherish her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you serve her well?

Ira: I do the best I can

DBM: Do you know the best and worst of your wife, and still love her anyways?

Ira: I love her

DBM: Participant 130, Dofi, left a question for you: ‘Is it ever OKAY to lie?’

Ira: Sometimes. If you’re married to someone like my wife, lying the right way to her is what actually builds her trust in me. It’s all about when and how you tell the lie. When the intention behind what I’m saying to her is good, nothing else should matter.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ira: Do you think it’s better to stay friends with exes, or to cut ties with them? Are you over your ex?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: David Gomes

Let’s Talk To Maxton

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 128: Maxton bro

DBM: Hi Maxton. How would you describe yourself?

Maxton: An achiever, happy and I treat people close to me well.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Maxton: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Maxton: My biological father failed me. He was not that much involved in my life while growing up. I sometimes feel like I could have had a better chance of excelling on a social basis, emotionally and academically if he had been present to me. He is still alive though. The man I had the privilege of calling ‘father’ was a former school mate’s and childhood best friend’s dad. He opened his home to me when he picked his son from schools 34 years ago, and I think heard me crying. He could tell I was hungry just by looking at me. I remember his son looking at him and asking if I could go home with them. His son had been sharing his food with me for weeks but had to stop upon advisement. I wasn’t a student at the school; I went there only with the hope of finding food to eat. Even with my 12-year-old mind, I could tell he saw his dad as an example of how to express concern and care. He could empathize with me because he was sensitive to his emotions, and could express exactly how he felt about my plight.

DBM: How old was his son?

Maxton: 10 or 11

DBM: Where was your mother during this period?

Maxton: Dead

DBM: Why wasn’t your father taking full responsibility of your wellbeing?

Maxton: His wife had suggested I rather stayed with one of my uncles. My uncle wasn’t married and was never home; I was always hungry. Going to that school was my refuge. I met people who liked me, got food to eat and books to read.

DBM: What’s your relationship with your biological father now?

Maxton: I’ve forgiven him. That’s not to say I condone his neglect

DBM: Understood.

Maxton: Yeah, I demanded for an apology. I felt he had hurt me in a way that, my expected response was to do something to even up or hit him where it would hurt. But he said he was sorry, and I believed him.

DBM: What happened after the other man had seen you crying at his son’s school?

Maxton: He bought me food, and then told me to visit their house anytime I felt like playing with his son. He got me enrolled in the school and paid for my fees.

DBM: What’s your life like now?

Maxton: I’m happily married, a father of two and love my kids to death. I am enjoying the whole process of influencing the lives and wellbeing of my children. The relationship I have with them is healthy; I understand them, I’m conscious of their feelings because I make time to bond with them; we talk to one another

DBM: How important is being a father to you?

Maxton: It’s a blessing I will not trade for anything else in the world. My kids think of me as the comedian of the house because I make them laugh all the time. I love hearing the sound of their laughter and their happiness therein. Also, I thought my wife was the love of my life till my troublesome kids came along. The depth of my love for them cannot be quantified. I love to look at them fall asleep, I love to hug them back, I love the way they smell, I love to kiss them goodnight etc. They bring the better version of me that I never knew existed out to play.

DBM: What do you think your wife thinks of you as the father of her children?

Maxton: I don’t know. Unless you ask her yourself

DBM: But she’s not part of the chat

Maxton: Hold on, will call her to come answer. Her name is Adjeley

Adjeley: Hello David

DBM: Hello! How are you doing?

Adjeley: Fine, thank you. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How would you describe your husband’s relationship with the children?

Adjeley: He loves them and always wants to be close to them. He enjoys teaching them new things and likes playing with them. He homeschools them during the weekends, helping them with their homework and going over whatever they had learned in the week. We do a lot of family outings too. I think because his father wasn’t that involved in his life, he’s choosing to be there for ours so the world someday can be prepared to receive them.

DBM: How is he as a husband?

Adjeley: He enjoys me and loves being near me. He tenderly shows it in the manner of ways he manages to spend time with me. He is a patient man. He is sensitive to my needs and speaks to me in a soft tone of voice. We’ve been married for 10 years and he’s never shouted at me before. He’s my buddy-buddy, has great sense of humor, he’s a great communicator and loves to talk to me about everything. He makes me happy. And, I’m well taken care of. He’s the one person I believe I can count on when the going gets tough. I trust my husband not to betray what we have built together.

DBM: Is there anything you want to say to him?

Adjeley: Mr. Quartey, you’re the only man who has made the effort to adapt to me, putting aside your own preferences just to make what we have work. I respect the way you respect me; I love the way you love me. You’re everything I dreamed for our children. You’re a great guy, and I am holding on to you till death do us part.

DBM: Thank you! Let me talk to your husband now.

Maxton: Dave

DBM: Yo! Your wife loves you very much

Maxton: The feeling is mutual

DBM: How did you meet?

Maxton: A friend introduced us. The moment I saw her, I had a hunch that she was meant for me. I fancied her. I was attracted to her

DBM: Is she a good woman to you?

Maxton: She is

DBM: How about to the children?

Maxton: She captures their attention. She’s a good mother

DBM: Participant 127, Silas, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal, loving smart or hard – and damning the consequence?’

Maxton: I do not think I have anything to prove to anyone when it comes to loving my wife and children. I show my love the greatest way I know how, and they get it. It is not attached to the opinions of people

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Maxton: What gets you out of bed every morning?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Brett Sayles

Let’s Talk to Ikhlas and Silas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 127a: I prefer Ikhlas

Participant 127b: Silas

DBM: Hello Ikhlas and Silas. How would you describe yourselves?

Ikhlas: There is not much to me

Silas: I am not perfect.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ikhlas: 6

Silas: 2

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ikhlas: My husband is refusing to talk to me, and I don’t understand why. There is a pending issue we have to address but he doesn’t want to talk about it with me. He’s not returned to the house for the past five days. I don’t know where he is staying, and he’s not willing to tell me either. I offended him and apologized but he keeps ignoring my calls.

DBM: How did you wrong him?

Ikhlas: He got to find out our five-year-old daughter isn’t his biological child. No, I did NOT have an affair. I underwent an IVF treatment which spur a pregnancy. I did it without his consent because he wouldn’t have agreed to it.

DBM: Why wouldn’t he have agreed to it?

Ikhlas: We don’t have the money

DBM: How did he find out that he’s not the father?

Ikhlas: He took a DNA paternity test and there was no confirmation of genetic match

DBM: Sir, do you mind me asking what motivated you to take the test?

Silas: I suspected it the dawn my daughter turned 5

DBM: How much did the IVF treatment cost?

Ikhlas: $12,000

Silas: Where did you get that kind of money from?

Ikhlas: Ken

Silas: What?

DBM: Who is Ken?

Ikhlas: My husband’s brother

Silas: Step-brother. You know very well I don’t speak to him, so why did you have to go and borrow his money?

Ikhlas: It wasn’t a loan. He gave it to us for free

Silas: Who is the us? Look, I don’t give a fuck. You know very well that I’ve not spoken to him in over 29 years. Why do you have to embarrass me like that?

Ikhlas: We needed the help babe

Silas: You and who needed his help?

DBM: Can I step in please?

Ikhlas: Yes

DBM: Why aren’t you talking to your brother?

Silas: I don’t want to talk about him

DBM: Noted, I will respect that.

Ikhlas: Because he feels he is a product of an affair his father had

DBM: Your husband doesn’t want to talk about his brother. Please let’s leave it as that

Ikhlas: Dave, Ken is a good guy. And he’s been trying so hard to have a relationship with his only brother, but my husband doesn’t seem to be open to that. Ken hasn’t done him any wrong. I feel that my husband’s anger isn’t directed to the right person. Ken is my brother-in-law, and I will not deny him that privilege. Also, God has blessed him, he’s rich.

DBM: Why did you undergo In Vitro fertilization without your husband’s knowledge?

Ikhlas: We were having trouble getting pregnant after eight years of marriage. The doctor evaluated the both of us and identified low sperm count to be the problem. My husband has fewer than 12 million sperm per millimeter, and a less than 30 million sperm total per ejaculation. The doctor explained that his chance of getting me pregnant decreased, due to his decreasing sperm counts. He suggested assisted reproductive techniques and my husband hasn’t been interested since. What have I done so wrong that you cannot find it in your heart to forgive me?

Silas: I can never trust you again

Ikhlas: Why don’t you want to talk about it with me then? Do you have to leave the house to express your mistrust?

DBM: He’s pissed at you, that is why

Ikhlas: And I’ve realized my mistake. I am sorry. Please don’t shut me out like that; I miss sitting with you.

Silas: Why did you make me believe the pregnancy was mine? Why did you make me raise our daughter as if she were my flesh and blood?

Ikhlas: You’re still her father. You love her

Silas: You lied and kept this very important information from me. You still don’t get it, do you?

Ikhlas: I do, and I am very sorry my love

Silas: Again, in what world is she my biological child?

DBM: She was born during your marriage to her mother. That, by default makes you her biological father and legal guardian.

Ikhlas: Yes, that’s true

DBM: You already have an established relationship with your baby girl. Do you think you can try to put your daughter’s best interest first, and maybe, your bruised ego second? Because as it stands now, you’re the only father your little girl knows as her own.

Silas: How do I explain this to my family and friends?

Ikhlas: I don’t think anyone else knows and should know about it

DBM: Madam, can you please just keep quiet for a minute! Your husband is still processing the shock of what you’ve done. Give him the space to think.

Ikhlas: I’m sorry

DBM: He is refusing to talk about it because it still hurts his feelings, as he’s less proud.

Ikhlas: Nana, I love you wai. I love our marriage so much. I don’t know what we will do without you

Silas: I need time

Ikhlas: How much time? Your daughter keeps asking about your whereabouts and I don’t know what to tell her anymore. She wants to talk to her daddy.

DBM: As much time as he may need. What you did bothers him and he’s trying to figure himself out, so he doesn’t have to resent you and his daughter in the future.

Ikhlas: Dave, can you ask my husband if he still loves me?

Silas: I love you

Ikhlas: Okay!

DBM: I pray you do not let so much time slip by while you’re in the process of figuring things out. Your wife and daughter need you, and the time apart and silent treatment may lengthen the misunderstanding and anger. This in the long run makes all the parties involved suffer from the stress associated with it. Your daughter is innocent in all this, remember.

Silas: Alright!

DBM: Participant 126, Knox, left a question for you: ‘What is the most important thing I should know about you?’

Silas: I finally got to be who I’m supposed to be because of my wife, I’m a father.

DBM: Awww! That’s very sweet of you

Ikhlas: Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, my husband always offers to help with the dishes, which shows me how much he cares about me. It turns me on and gets me horny every time. I reward him with my best sex to destress.

Silas: That’s true

DBM: Five days away from home; don’t you miss your wife?

Silas: I do

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Silas: Which is ideal, loving smart or hard – and damning the consequence?

Ikhlas: I’m all in favor of my husband’s question.

DBM: Thank you!

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