Tag: Family

Let’s Talk To Nanyamka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 125: Nanyamka

DBM: Hi Nanyamka. How would you describe yourself?

Nanyamka: A woman who loves being a woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nanyamka: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nanyamka: I am being offered a way out of an unhappy situation. I know for a fact that opportunity seldom knocks at my door, and that, if this had been presented to my husband, he would have taken it in a heartbeat without my knowledge. Dave, naturally I am hands-on and always willing to take initiative. My husband is the same. I am not afraid to say yes to this opportunity simply because I may never know where it might take me. I’ve been offered a job in the UK, and I get to tag my husband and children along. I don’t mind going with the children. My problem is my husband, I don’t trust him. I know this is an unfortunate thing to say about my marriage but he’s been keeping secrets and lies. Let me give you one example: he’s created accounts on several dating apps describing himself as a single man in search for love. He’s exchanged contacts with several ladies outside of Ghana, and is heavily inciting them with the promises of love and commitment. He’s also cheated on me once with a lady at his workplace, which I know of, but he denies it.

DBM: Has he the ability to earn your trust?

Nanyamka: Dave, you’ve not met my husband. He knows exactly what to say and it would be at the exact time you need something tasteful to hear to mess up with your emotions. Every word coming out of his mouth is either a line or a lie. He’s aware of his ability to entice women with what he says and has been using it to his advantage. Unfortunately, everything about my husband on the outside looks just as perfect.

DBM: Meaning?

Nanyamka: People who know and respect him would doubt me if I’m to come out with these allegations. He’s built a certain image out there as the family man every woman should die for. Even my parents will believe his word over mine

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Nanyamka: I had my doubts about him when we were dating but I got pregnant with our first child, and that made me vulnerable.

DBM: Why do you think he married you?

Nanyamka: That’s a question for the gods. He doesn’t like it when people try to play mind games with his intelligence, but guess what?

DBM: What?

Nanyamka: The biggest game he’s played just happens to be me.

DBM: Why did you apply for the job in UK?

Nanyamka: It’s actually a new field in my expertise and I love challenges that foster professional and personal growth

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Nanyamka: I want to leave the children behind, in his care. He loves the kids but I feel like he’s emotionally disconnected himself because I am the active one in their lives all day, every day. He just fills in the gabs and spoils them rotten with gifts to make it up for his absence. I feel like I’ve enabled him into taking the backseat for far too long.

DBM: How old are your kids?

Nanyamka: They’re under 12 years

DBM: Looking at the description you gave of your husband, is he the kind of role model you’d want to be reinforcing ‘good’ behavior in your children?

Nanyamka: He’s their father

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: But most importantly, I’d want them to see through his bullshit as they grow. I feel like I’ve been covering for him for so long

DBM: How long do you intending stay away from them?

Nanyamka: Till the last child is 18

DBM: What happens to your marriage then?

Nanyamka: I’m trying to enhance my marriage with this decision. I’ve done everything possible to get my marriage back on track but I’m now at a place where there is nothing else left to do but to unofficially split up. My plan is to come and check on the children every three or four months. Dave, I’ve often struggled, always questioning whether or not I am doing the best I can for my children.

DBM: As a parent, you only have a limited window of time to adequately prepare your children to become responsible individuals.

Nanyamka: True

DBM: Does your husband know about your traveling plans?

Nanyamka: I’ve not told him yet

DBM: When do you plan discussing it with him?

Nanyamka: There is not going to be a discussion. I will just tell him the morning of my departure in August.

DBM: That’s not fair

Nanyamka: Fairness is in the eye of the beholder. David, my husband has managed to weaken the bond between us with his betrayal. I feel pained because I sacrificed more than enough of myself and aspirations to be available to him and the children. As it stands now, I’ve got to also choose myself above all else. I used to think it was healthier making my husband the first priority

DBM: What do you think is your job as a parent?

Nanyamka: Raising my babies with a strong sense of self-worth

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: My needs come first henceforth

DBM: Participant 124, Otis, left a question for you: ‘Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?’

Nanyamka: My future always begins with me staying in the present and now. The present and feeling good about it makes me feel better about life. Tapping into this good feeling enables me to attain what I want tomorrow.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Nanyamka: If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jennifer Enujiugha

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Uzoma

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 119: My name na Uzoma

DBM: Hi Uzoma. How would you describe yourself?

Uzoma: Fine Nigerian man with a wife and children inside Banana Island. I think I have a warm fuzzy in my heart.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uzoma: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uzoma: I’m not advertising myself; I am not trying to indirectly tell any woman how to feel about me. In fact, I am happily married; let me just put that one across. When I married my wife, one of her Aunties gave her this piece of advice during our wedding reception, ‘do not expect too much from your husband oo, Chiamaka, if you do not want to be disappointed someday’. My wife’s name is Chiamaka, which means, ‘God is good’. David, as a man who has been true to Chiamaka for the past 11 years of marriage, contrary to her aunt’s advice, I think every woman should rather expect a whole lot of a great deal from the men they’re in relationships with – and not for a second, be expecting disappointments. Good men should not be hard to find. And all the wonderful men aren’t already taken.

DBM: How old are you?

Uzoma: 43

DBM: Continue …

Uzoma: I’ve come across a dozen women who have told me to the face, ‘Uzo, I long for you.’ And all these women know I am married. Some even are friends with Chiamaka, yet find me desirable. When a man truthfully loves his wife, and is being loved back by her, the best version of himself shines through. As I chat with you now, I feel like I’m alive because this morning, Chiamaka caressed my loins, held me tight, kissed my lips, sucked out my third leg almost to tears, and rode me with so much confidence – I cum harder than a quickie. Then before stepping out to my car, she smiled at me and whispered love to my ears. A different woman will see me today and just assume I’m a fine man; but do they know the cause of my fineness? Chiamaka’s watered garden is what is bearing fruits to their admiration.

DBM: Hehehe. You’re funny 😊

Uzoma: It’s the truth, David. Nigerian men love mekwe

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Uzoma: Never

DBM: Why not?

Uzoma: Whenever I catch another woman checking me out, my heart billows with so much pride. In fact, I get excited because Chiamaka is working the right number on me.

DBM: Why do you think most men are not so clear lately about what it means to be true and of good character?

Uzoma: Again, let me use my Chiamaka as an example. When we considered dating, she took kpansh with me off the table. She wasn’t a virgin; I wasn’t either. It was a decision she had made, not to sleep with me. Today’s woman is all about celebrating her sexual freedom. I’m all for it but what she’s not aware of is that, her liberty to do whatever with herself is what is giving us men dominance to misbehave and get away with things on the sex market. If the milk was supplied me for free, what’s the relevance in revering the cow? To answer your question, I respect my wife so much to think of disappointing her. I fear letting her down. It will hurt my feelings to betray her trust in me. She’s the only inspiration behind the why I want to get my shid together.

DBM: Because she wasn’t willing to be your sex partner during the dating period?

Uzoma: Because it was impossible to pressure her into having sex with me.

DBM: I see

Uzoma: We had our first sex only because she wanted to sleep with me.

DBM: How long into the relationship?

Uzoma: After nine months

DBM: Why did she give in?

Uzoma: I’m guessing it had become clear to her that I was in for the long haul.

DBM: Are you for sex before or after getting married?

Uzoma: I am all for shagging

DBM: I see. What else is there to you?

Uzoma: As I said already, I love me some Chiamaka, and though we live under the same roof, we have different characters. At work, I’m one of the best team players, something I am very proud of. That is why when my wife suggested we hired a help to assist us at home, I said no. A house help, in my opinion, would have destroyed the level of teamwork that we share now at home. And I didn’t want at any point to feel like any of us were neglecting our duties. One thing I don’t know how to do is to cook. My wife is great at that, so whenever I get home, I show my gratitude in other ways. I talk and play with the children, help with their homework, and put them to bed every night, etc. On weekends, I clean the windows of the house, I help with laundry, I clean the toilets and bathrooms, the cars, take out trash, make the bed, etc. I’m basically saying, I sweep, I mop and dust

DBM: What’s your profession?

Uzoma: I’m a Petroleum Engineer. Chiamaka is a Financial Analyst

DBM: You’re both busy

Uzoma: We are

DBM: How many kids?

Uzoma: 3. Two boys and a girl

DBM: Interesting

Uzoma: When I get home from work, I put the pride aside and just humble myself before my wife and children. For 11 years I’ve been lending Chiamaka a helping hand at home, and it has helped our marriage a lot. My home is peaceful, clean, happy, fun, lively, and engaging. My wife feels relaxed, calm and excited to jump into bed with me at the end of each day.

DBM: I think you’re a good man, sir

Uzoma: Thank you, David. I try.

DBM: What are you most proud of?

Uzoma: I smile when at the end of the day, my wife gets to call her mom and mine to say hello. Being each other’s help-mate gives her hands time to check on others. I’m also proud of myself when I sacrifice my sleep, sometimes to attend to our daughter or sons – when they wake up at night. I do this so Chiamaka can have enough sleep for work.

DBM: Does putting in the work at home make you any less of a man?

Uzoma: On the contrary, I’ve seen marital problems fade away right before my eyes. I’ve been a witness to the effort Chiamaka puts into making me happy, and I am empowered to even do more for her and our children. I don’t know how to say this, but I think my wife has the keys to my heart. She treats me right

DBM: I would love to have a chat with your wife

Uzoma: I will pass on your message tonight

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Vazhnik

Let’s Talk To Rema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 118: Rema please

DBM: Hello Rema. How would you describe yourself?

Rema: I used to be a very lively, focused and very happy but not anymore

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rema: Four David

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rema: My daughter and my marriage

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Rema: She will be 10 this year

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Rema: Almost five years

DBM: What’s going on with your daughter?

Rema: David, I had my daughter at an early age. She is very brilliant and very beautiful. She is the kind of child every parent is proud to have. Unfortunately, I have failed her.

DBM: Parenting can be hard

Rema: When I was dating, my husband and his family got to know I had a child. I was invited to bring her over. She was welcomed with open arms or so I thought

DBM: Okay?

Rema: I was told she couldn’t move in with me. My husband lives with his parents. I had to leave my daughter with her dad because my mum is a busy person. I thought if she couldn’t stay with me, at least, she could spend her vacations with me. But that also turned out to be something that was kicked against by my in-laws. I can count the number of times I have seen her these years David. She is in a different region and far away from me. She calls me every time, asking me to come for her. She sends me messages asking why I chose her brother over her and have abandoned her.

DBM: If your actions and decisions are causing emotional damage to your daughter, then you’re not doing something right

Rema: Yes David. I know as a parent I have failed her and keep failing her daily. She apologizes for wrongs she thought she might have committed, thus, me choosing to leave her with her dad.

DBM: Your daughter’s father, how is his character like?

Rema: He is very promiscuous. And it’s gotten so bad that he allows our daughter to stay with his girlfriends’ sometimes

DBM: Why did you choose a man over your own daughter?

Rema: My husband adores her; it’s just his parents. I know it doesn’t make sense but if I were to leave this marriage, my son would be taken away from me. He’s too young, and knowing them, I may not be allowed to be a part of his life. I feel I will put him through exactly how my daughter feels right now. But then again, my husband isn’t ready to move out of his parents’. He keeps telling me to be patient, and that everything will work out eventually. Not that he can’t afford it but his parents threatened him.

DBM: Don’t get me wrong with this; I understand how you equally want to be happy and feel loved and all that, I do get it. But choosing to become a mother was a duty you decided to take on, with the understanding of it altering your life forever, no?

Rema: Yes, it did change my life from the very beginning. I gave birth to my daughter three weeks after WACCE. I couldn’t get the grades an ‘A’ student was supposed to. Nonetheless, I work in the health sector now.

DBM: Why is your husband staying with his parents?

Rema: Because they want him there. His dad said he hasn’t given him the permission to leave yet, because they need someone to be serving them like his wife served his mother. Because they didn’t raise him to this level for him to choose me over them; and that if he should leave without their permission, they won’t talk to him ever again, not even in death.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Rema: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Rema: 31

DBM: Did you know about his family’s dynamics prior to settling down with him?

Rema: No, not at all. I wouldn’t have. They appeared as the nicest people ever. They made me feel loved. His dad could call me as late as 10 pm, just to convince me to allow them go see my people. His mum would tell me how I was an answered prayer to her. But it was all a big lie. They wanted a slave in their mansion; someone they could abuse without you saying a word. The emotional and verbal abuse from his parents is too much for me now. He feels I shouldn’t pay attention to their utterances because its old age

DBM: So, your husband chose his parents over building a future with you. Your daughter is somewhere crying because she’s been choosing you to choose her, yet you do not see the need to be extra picky, ensuring that you never put a man before your child?

Rema: Yes David, that’s the truth I’m refusing to accept. I don’t know why

DBM: Are you done serving your own busy mother?

Rema: No, on the contrary. I didn’t serve my mother. My mum had maids growing up and still does. I was served when I was with my mother.

DBM: I see. What are you going to do?

Rema: I honestly don’t know! I cry myself to sleep almost every night but I’m confused. I know that I have to step up because things cannot remain as they are but then again, will I be happy if I leave my son behind? Won’t it be choosing one over the other? Will my son not also blame me for abandoning him when he grows a little?

DBM: Again, YOU are their mother. So, what makes you think you have to leave your children behind?

Rema: My in-laws have constantly reminded me that I won’t leave with their grandchild. Because they have the power and influence to make that happen. Also, traditionally, the child belongs to the man where we come from. If I threaten my husband that I’m leaving, he will tell me to leave his son behind.

DBM: This is a man you believe is in love with you, and wants to make you happy?

Rema: I thought so, but I’m beginning to doubt his love for me

DBM: How much time do you want to spend away from your daughter?

Rema: Not anymore David! My life is a mess now; my daughter’s words and tears keep hunting me

DBM: Do you think you made that decision to let go of your daughter out of fear, or for the sole purpose of attaining a deeply fulfilling relationship with your husband and his family?

Rema: The latter David. I believed my husband’s promises of a better tomorrow, my daughter inclusive. I had the assurance he was going to do something about it, and how he dearly loved her and would want the best for her as much as I did.

DBM: Is there room enough at their home to house your daughter?

Rema: Yes, four extra rooms are fully furnished

DBM: Most parents often would try interjecting themselves in the lives of their children for reasons best known to them. Is your husband financially independent and mature enough to function without his parents’ influence in his decision making?

Rema: Yes, financially but maturely, I doubt it. His entire life has been centered around them

DBM: Is there an established zone of privacy in your marital home?

Rema: No, not at all. I’m constantly reminded the home is theirs. I can’t even lock my bedroom door 😄

DBM: Oh wow! And in what instances do you feel the most loved by your husband?

Rema: I can’t say; I can’t even remember if there’s any. Yes, I realized I wasn’t my husband’s first choice for marriage, after giving birth to our son. The hurt from that alone is something I can’t describe. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t have pushed through with this marriage. If I was firm from the beginning with what I wanted, things wouldn’t have gone this far. I would have been a lot happier with my children without marriage.

DBM: Anytime I had denied a desire close to my heart, just to serve another purpose in my life – it only led to hurt. Do you have any regrets?

Rema: My biggest regret however is abandoning my child that I sacrificed so much for, just to stay married.

DBM: What priorities in your life right now are of importance to you?

Rema: My kids please. I don’t want to fail the both of them.

DBM: I see you to be a conscious woman and mother. I don’t think of you to be selfish because you are human with needs and desires. Choosing to start a family with your husband wasn’t a selfish act; you did owe it to yourself to want and pursue what you wanted. A woman who is happy with her love life can equally be happy being a mum

Rema: Thanks for your kind words. I could have done better, if I didn’t allow the fear of starting over creep in. I overlooked so many things just to be married. Those very things are my worst nightmares now. Moreover, I should have found myself before the commitment of marriage.

DBM: I am a little concerned only about the fact that, both your husband and his family knew that you were a single mother. Meaning, there was already a sense of responsibility on your part to your daughter. Why they thought it wise to suggest to you to let her go somewhere else is what is troubling me. Did they truly accept you for you?

Rema: I doubt they accepted me fully. The only conclusion I can come up with is the fact that, I was accepted because we are from the same tribe. Like I mentioned previously, their son wanted to marry someone from a different tribe but they rejected her. (I only found out after I married him). Because nothing makes sense to me. My daughter is not even allowed to spend her vacations with me.

DBM: I guess my last question would be, is your marriage worth all the sacrifices you’ve made?

Rema: A big NO. Funny to say this, but I think he doesn’t love me. Maybe he did before but not anymore

Image Credit: any Lane

Let’s Talk To Zuri

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 106: My name is Zuri

DBM: Hello Zuri. How would you describe yourself?

Zuri: I know who I am, I know what my priorities are in life; I know what I want and need, I love the woman that I am because I stay true to myself.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuri: Eight, I think

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuri: I grew up with two mothers and my father. This is the story behind their arrangement; my birth mother was the best friend of my father’s wife. Apparently, when the couple were ready to start a family, his wife could not get pregnant. They had tried conventional methods by having frequent sex during her fertile window, etc. Six years passed in their marriage with no cry of a baby. The wife of my dad complained to my mother and she offered to carry his baby for her. I still do not understand the details and nature of their friendship, but I know the three of them have been sharing the same bedroom for as long as I can remember. My mother is not married to my father but they’re one big family. I am the only child of my parents

DBM: How old are you?

Zuri: 27 years

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see all three of your parents enter their bedroom?

Zuri: I used to think all families were like mine because I had never known anything different. But when I first found out most families consisted of just two parents (father and mother), I thought it was abnormal because that wasn’t my experience.

DBM: Abnormal, how?

Zuri: The father-mother only relationship, because I am used to Father, mother and his wife

DBM: How would you describe your dad?

Zuri: He is my first love. He is hardworking, strict, silly sometimes; he’s maintained a safe and open home for all of us; he is very charitable, and I believe his perspective and personality together have contributed to who I am today.

DBM: Describe your birth-mother

Zuri: Mum is persistent and tenacious. She is passionate about other things and people but not about me. She’s in love with my father and will not let anyone walk all over him and get away with it. She is driven, and very intelligent. She will tell you, ‘No’, and mean it but also would deliver when she promises to do something. She can be a hurricane and tornado when provoked. My mother, I’d say is the representation of what bravery and resilience mean. The only person I think she’s allowed to see her vulnerability, is my father. She’s never wanted children, according to my father’s wife… So, I am not surprised she’s not been so much of a mother to me.

DBM: What has she been to you then, if she’s not been a mother-figure?

Zuri: More of a friend or an Aunt

DBM: How would you describe your father’s wife?

Zuri: I hope you have time for this one, because I do not even know where to begin. 😊She’s the mother I never had. She’s also the proof that true love does exist. She’s loved me without questions. She’s loved me with no bounds. She’s loved me without reservations. The love that she’s shown me to be springing from her heart can be trusted, and I find comfort in the truth that, no matter what, her love will remain by my side because it’s meant for just me. Her love for me is absolute, it’s steadfast and certain. She loves me more than she loves my dad.

DBM: Why do you think your birth mother isn’t that much into you?

Zuri: According to my father’s wife, my dad wanted his marriage to be exciting, and didn’t want to lose their sense of fun after having children. She desperately wanted to be a mother, and my birth-mother badly wanted to hang out with my father. When it dawned on my second mother that she was having trouble getting pregnant, she allowed the burden of it to push the fun in their marriage to take the backseat. She realized how much my mother was fond of my dad, and suggested he rather tried having a child with her. The three of them came to a consensus, and it seems to have worked for all parties involved. Everybody has what they want the most.

DBM: Is your father’s wife happy?

Zuri: I make her happy. I’ve also read jealousy in the way she sometimes stares at my mum, when she’s making my dad laugh out loud. My dad gives my mum more attention and hangs out with her a lot. He gives his wife attention but cannot be compared to the time he spends with my mother.

DBM:  What’s your relationship status?

Zuri: I am dating

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Zuri: It’s been two years

DBM: Has your parents’ relationship taught you anything?

Zuri: My father is always happy and looks his best when he’s with my mother. He laughs more. He jokes a lot, and is hardly in a bad mood. He looks good, alive and energetic when he sees my mother, and he’s more giving and kinder towards his wife and me because of whatever my mother does with him in bed. One mistake I don’t want to make is to assume that, having explicit fun with my man isn’t something of importance. From the little I have witnessed at home and my own experience with my boyfriend, life should be about great, exciting times with a man. Most men hate it, and would eventually get bored if we fail to prioritize having crazy fun in our relationships or marriages.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your parents’ union?

Zuri: My dad is always saying both women give him the respect due him. He loves the fact that his wife is an excellent cook and a nurturer/mother to me. She gives him peace and understands his intentions for the family. My mother on the other hand is the vital element connecting all three of them as one. She’s the game changer, the slut, the wife, and the other-woman. She’s also career-driven and supports the home financially. This takes the workload off my dad.

DBM: I see

Zuri: One woman can be all that my mother and my father’s wife are to him

DBM: I agree. But then again, it’s also important to protect your own joy; protect your peace

Zuri: Can you explain?

DBM: I know people who have accommodated all sorts of behaviors in their men, simply because they want to be in a relationship with them. The fear of being alone scares them so much, they are willing to compromise on their values and how they’d want to be treated in a relationship – just to have a man in their lives. I know people who would justify just any bad behavior in their significant other so they’re liked and wanted by them

Zuri: That’s not me

DBM: Good to know! It’s always best not to ignore your needs while in the process of putting that of those you love first.

Zuri: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your boyfriend?

Zuri: Fiercely

DBM: I’m happy for you

Zuri: I am happy for me too

DBM: Do you know what your grandparents, from all three sides, make of your parents’ living arrangement?

Zuri: I know my mother leaves the house whenever any of my dad’s or his wife’s relatives visit the house. They also kept the news of my birth from everyone until I was nine months old. I wasn’t born in Ghana, and we stayed overseas for almost a year, after my birth.

DBM: So, your extended family from your father and his wife’s side think you are the daughter of his wife?

Zuri: Yes

DBM: At what age did they tell you about the truth?

Zuri: When I was 13 years old

DBM: Did you understand it then?

Zuri: I did

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Iury Bessa

Let’s Talk To Syid

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 103: Syid

DBM: Hi Syid. How would you describe yourself?

Syid: Dealing with unprocessed anger, hurt, frustration and resentment

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Syid: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Syid: My father’s brother was like a friend to me. Because my dad used to travel a lot, he was the one who represented as my father-figure during PTA meetings, whenever my mother couldn’t come. He helped me go through difficult times in my life; he taught me how to save and invest. He is the reason I can simply accept what is, in my life. He’s lived his life in such a way that, no one will suffer because of him; he takes very good care of himself. Dave, I understand the importance of hard work and sacrifice because my uncle is a living example of what that means. My father died last year. Family and visitors came to our house till he was buried. I assumed there was no one home when I arrived a month after my dad’s burial; only to hear these little noises coming from my mother’s bedroom, after I shouted her name to be sure she was home. When I got to her bedroom door, which was partially closed, I saw my uncle, naked. He had put a pillow on his lap to cover his boner.

DBM: Oh, my!

Syid: Before I could express my shock, he shouted my name and said, ‘I’m your father, boy’

DBM: As in?

Syid: My biological father

DBM: Where was your mother in this moment?

Syid: Seated next to him. She confirmed his claim, saying she was attracted to my uncle for over a year before the man I believed was my actual father swept her off her feet with money and good living. My uncle used to work for my father. My mum says, she never thought what she had with my uncle could come to anything because it was just attraction from a distance. But after my late father started traveling to work in different places, and would come home once or twice a month during the weekends, she found herself bouncing back to the man she once cared for deeply.

DBM: Did she love your late father?

Syid: She was married but unhappy

DBM: I can only imagine

Syid: She also said, she had known my uncle longer and had naturally begun to imagine what the future would have looked like with him. They discussed plans like marriage, renting a house together, divorcing my dad and starting a family of their own.

DBM: How would you describe your late father?

Syid: He was also one of the kindest people I had ever seen. He loved all of his children and had a great sense of humor. He had no enemies

DBM: How many siblings do you have?

Syid: We’re three

DBM: You’re the eldest?

Syid: No, the second

DBM: How old are you?

Syid: 32

DBM: Is your uncle married?

Syid: He never married. That’s one thing I could never understand

DBM: But he had girlfriends, no?

Syid: I never saw him with one

DBM: Has he other children?

Syid: Not that I know of. Come to think of it, I think I saw signs of him and my mother being too close for my liking when I was young. Many times, he visited us at home in my father’s absence, he could look over at my mother, and their eyes would meet, and then mum would look down – and sometimes would open her mouth in shock and burst into laughter because my uncle would be having a hard-on. I’ve seen him slap my mum’s butt in the kitchen on two different occasions when I was young. And she used to leave us at home to watch all the TV in the world and sleep anytime we wanted on Fridays or weekends that my father wasn’t around. On those days, I remember she used to dress sexier than usual to go out. I have seen my uncle come up behind my mum, grab her by the hips, and slow-dance with her, but stopped the moment I walked in on them after school.

DBM: Your young eyes have seen a lot

Syid: But it didn’t click back then

DBM: He was your favorite uncle; how would anything click for you?

Syid: This life is fucked up

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now – talking about them?

Syid: I feel conflicted with hate for both mum and uncle

DBM: Have you talked to your mother and uncle about how you feel?

Syid: I don’t know how I feel, Mr. Dave. I feel betrayed

DBM: Do you think they intentionally wanted to hurt your feelings?

Syid: I don’t know, but whatever they’ve done has made me cry

DBM: I understand your tears. Perhaps, when all the mixed-feelings are less, you could consider being upfront with them about how you feel being kept out of the picture

Syid: Would it make the shock of it any hurtful?

DBM: Fortunately for you, you have a better understanding of your mother’s past with your father’s brother. You have your own recollections of the both of them – even though you could not put two-and-two together. I believe this should help you to find a more manageable resolution with them.

Syid: I grew up looking up to my parents and uncle. They were my favorite role models and how I wanted my own family to look like

DBM: You can still process your emotions through this. Do you know if your siblings are your late father’s children?

Syid: Mum says they are. There are DNA-test results to prove it

DBM: I see

Syid: These changes everything about my life in a massive way, realizing the man I thought was my father actually isn’t

DBM: The bottom line is this, they put you kids first. Both fathers and mother were present to teach you, guide you and help you to become who you all are today. They did not just create you, they loved on you – regardless. Hating on them now may be valid an emotion, but ask yourself if it’s healthy for you

Syid: Easier said than done

DBM: One thing I always tell myself is that, I am not answerable for what I experience at the hands of others. People willingly choose to do whatever they feel like doing to either hurt or uplift my feelings. The only mature thing I can do is to simply hold on to the control that I have in restoring my own mental and relational sanity

Image Credit: Tom Adabi

Let’s Talk To Nicholas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 90: Nicholas

DBM: Hello Nicholas. How would you describe yourself?

Nicholas: I understand what commitment means, that’s why it’s easy for me to compromise. I am kind, patient, humorous and good with kids

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nicholas: 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nicholas: I think every man must find himself a job that makes him happy, in order to be pleased with his own life. I am a house-husband, and I am loving how I am able to make my wife, children and the home a priority. We decided I stay home to look after the children while my wife goes out to work. And truth be told, I am crushing it like a pro. I think I was born to take care of my family like this. I like it that I am the one to make sure the house is always clean and smelling good; the children get prepared for school while my wife gets to rest and have enough sleep. The only thing I can’t do is to cook, so she prepares a variety of meals during the weekends to last the household for the week.

DBM: Were you working prior to meeting your wife?

Nicholas: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Nicholas: Six years

DBM: And, when did you make the decision to stay home?

Nicholas: It was actually my wife’s idea. Before we married, we talked about the importance of being present for our marriage, and also, in the lives of our children – if we were to have any. We love kids and we knew they would become a huge part of our lives. We wanted one parent to be 100% responsible for their upbringing till they are 18 years age. We weighed our options and concluded I would be the better parent and the best person to sacrifice my time to raise them right. Also, my wife earns three times my salary, and did not see the need for the both of us to be chasing after money.

DBM: So, you’ve been home since you married?

Nicholas: Yes, as the king of the house. It’s actually fun and humbling. It’s a fulfilling job to say the least. Due to this arrangement, I have found a best friend in my wife. She’s the one person I am comfortable with – talking to. Because I realize I can’t do it on my own. I appreciate the little things right now; we get to eat together as a family and talk. I am attracted to my wife daily, and can’t wait to see her return home from work. This experience seriously is turning my life around, and I am becoming the best husband and father I can be.

DBM: This is something you are passionate about?

Nicholas: Family is very important to me, and would not trade it for nothing.

DBM: What do your circle of friends say/think of you when you tell them about what you do?

Nicholas: Some think it’s disgraceful. I used to justify myself but I don’t care what they say anymore. Also, my church no longer invites me to speak to the youth. When I used to work, I was one of their favorite keynote speakers on Finance. Now that I work as a house-husband, majority of them tend to look down on me. They believe I am unemployed. Some call me lazy.

DBM: Do you see this as a real job?

Nicholas: It is a real job for me, Dave. Imagine coming home to a spotless house? There is absolutely nothing wrong with me chasing my dream career. I’m also doing exactly what I love; It’s work. My wife and I are not bothered by her being the one going out to earn money for the house. We are not bothered by me taking care of the home and family. In fact, I’m very good at this. And most importantly, I don’t think it’s healthy for our family to have two parents/adults getting stressed from work. One should be enough, while a calm, handsome, loving, sexy-hot other quenches their thirst after a long day. It’s the sweetest feeling ever.

DBM: Does this situation also not make it a whole lot easier for your wife to control you financially?

Nicholas: Control me how?

DBM: Do you have your own money?

Nicholas: First and foremost, I married a reasonable woman who also happens to be right for me. She respects me and my place in her life. Secondly, we share a joint account. The money in the account has more than one owner. It belongs to the both of us. Also, I work remotely from home. I make my own money to contribute to the pool.

DBM: Would you be prepared for the unknown? I.e., Death of your wife, divorce, wife involved in an accident or is permanently disabled, etc. and the responsibilities are shifted

Nicholas: I am ever ready to shoulder all responsibilities. Being a house-husband prepares you for anything.

DBM: What do you do for fun?

Nicholas: I work out in my free time at the gym.

DBM: Does this make you more critical about your wife’s appearance?

Nicholas: My wife is perfect, just the way she wants to be

DBM: The free time on your hands at home doesn’t make you want to look for some side action? I mean, most guys get in shape purposely for that.

Nicholas: I work out to stay in shape. Nothing else

DBM: You have the last word

Nicholas: I am uniquely equipped to keep my family safe and as one unit. I am not ready to do anything that could affect my family negatively. I am willing to do anything for my wife and for her heart’s sake. My wife’s desire comes first

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Emefa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 82: Emefa

DBM: Hello Emefa. How would you describe yourself?

Emefa: I am a mother, and soon to be grandmother. Some of my close friends tell me that they feel better after talking to me. I am conscious of maintaining a clean and neat appearance. Lastly, I would say, I have a meaningful relationship with myself – which has been up and down, sometimes, sideways over the years. I change as a person when the people around me change. I change when circumstances around me change. I change as and when I want to change.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emefa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emefa: I became a dowager in January, 2023. We were married for a good 32 years. It is still taking me time to process his death.

DBM: There are no words

Emefa: People try to say nice things to comfort me, but after they’ve left or ended their calls, I am left alone all over again to deal with my loss

DBM: Healing through moments like these comes slowly, but it does come.

Emefa: I guess

DBM: Has he been buried?

Emefa: Yes, weeks ago.

DBM: How did you meet your late husband?

Emefa: We ran into each other physically on the street one afternoon. I was going to buy food for lunch. He told me he had been writing letters to a strange P. O. Box address he saw in the newspaper, and the person had been writing back. They agreed on a date to meet on the street for the first time. She was supposed to be wearing a white and green outfit for easy identification because they didn’t know what the other looked like. Guess my favorite colors?

DBM: Green and white?

Emefa: With a pop of black in the mix. He says he noticed me in the crowd, from the opposite side of the road, in my white, green and black dress, and automatically assumed I was the lady he had been writing to. Looking back, my dress did stand out in the crowd. He jounced my shoulder while walking past me. I remember I turned and gave him a sarcastic look, and he had this confused expression on his face. I stopped walking and he approached me, smiling.

DBM: What did he say?

Emefa: ‘You have a beautiful presence’

DBM: Wait! Was he saying this to the stranger you, or the woman he had been writing letters to?

Emefa: He assumed I was his mystery lady. I thanked him for the compliment and went to buy my food. He followed me to the chop-bar, unknown to me. He bought food and came to sit next to my table. I have this habit of frequently glancing around a room to spot familiar faces. I did again this time, only to see him staring right at me.

DBM: You liked him?

Emefa: It felt uncomfortable to see him twice in 20 minutes. But he was very handsome. He had these really huge eyes. I am not talking about big; he had very huge eyes which almost seemed like they would pop out of his head.

DBM: Hehehe

Emefa: But they were at the same time attractive. I liked him a lot, yes.

DBM: Do you know whatever happened to the mystery lady?

Emefa: Yes, she wrote him back to say she got his letter from the post office very late. The date and time he proposed they met had passed by then.

DBM: Did he write back?

Emefa: I don’t think he did. We had started dating

DBM: I like the sound of that

Emefa: We had a lot of plans for the future together. He died too young

DBM: How many kids later?

Emefa: We had three together.

DBM: That’s nice

Emefa: And found out in January, that he has another son.

DBM: Huh?

Emefa: His other son is 26. My last child is 24

DBM: Is your last child a boy or girl?

Emefa: A boy. I have two daughters and a son.

DBM: How old are your girls?

Emefa: 30 and 28

DBM: Just this January?

Emefa: Sunday, 22nd January, 2023. Two days after my husband had passed, he showed up with his mother.

DBM: He is his son for real?

Emefa: He is. My husband had been taking care of him and his mother for the past 26 years. They had receipts, pictures, DNA results, and had been named in my husband’s will.

DBM: And, you did not know anything about this?

Emefa: I had no clue. I understand that a man has a responsibility to be a father to his child, but I am tremendously miffed and still dealing with the pain of the adultery he’s left me to battle with, alongside his death.

DBM: How is your heart and head managing through it all?

Emefa: I am not taking any major decisions about anything right now. Unfortunately, dead men don’t talk, so I want to see how everything is going to play out on its own merit. I signed on to this marriage thing as a lifelong commitment to my husband. And because I loved him so much, I tried to be the best for only him. I did not betray him by cheating on him. 32 years later, I can confidently say that I did my part. So, if what I gave is this memory he has left me with in return, then it’s all good.

DBM: How are your children taking the news of another brother?

Emefa: They are adults so they are allowing themselves time to navigate the intricacies of their father’s affair, the new brother and his mother – at their own pace.

DBM: Do you think they will build a relationship with their brother?

Emefa: My son, I know has been texting and calling him since the funeral. For my daughters, I hope they would eventually also get to know him.

DBM: Do you feel disappointed in your husband?

Emefa: I want to hold on to the beautiful memories we built together and leave this bad one behind. I want to keep retaining a positive outlook on life.

DBM: That’s fair. Do you see yourself getting married again?

Emefa: I will always love my husband. I will always have his love for me, but I will move on to something meaningful if I am to come across the right man interested in me.

DBM: You have the last word to say something to women

Emefa: A man is as hard to figure out as a woman. They can force themselves on your wavelength just to hide a bad deed. Pay attention to the intentions of the man you love. Some would be categorizing you as a soft touch and unconsciously, manipulate and play mind-games with you. Cut your losses and go if you catch him cheating. Because his behavior isn’t likely to stop. He will do it again, and again. I saw this firsthand after my husband’s death.

DBM: Your husband is not a representation of all men

Emefa: He was the perfect representation of men cheating on their wives. These men control their own narrative. Trusting their word that it won’t happen again is as true as you would want it to be.

Image Credit: Jackson David

Let’s Talk To SafoMaame

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 79: You can call me SafoMaame

DBM: Hi SafoMaame. How would you describe yourself?

SafoMaame: I fear being a failure. I fear being rejected if I am to speak the truth. I used to not drink. Now, I actually enjoy a good vodka or gin because those are the drinks my husband hides in the cabinet at home. I am no longer passionate about the office I occupy; I am no longer passionate about my marriage; I am no longer passionate about my husband.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

SafoMaame: I’d say 4 over 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

SafoMaame: I am supposed to be the wife of a Prophet, but my husband is toxic. And I am worried about the foundation of his church, putrefying. The second concern is my son. I asked him what he wants to become in future, and he said, he wants to be like his daddy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

SafoMaame: My husband is very active on his social media platforms, so I don’t want to be specific with personal information.

DBM: Understood! You’re still married to him, no?

SafoMaame: Yes

DBM: Why do you describe your husband as toxic?

SafoMaame: I have never seen a man as arrogant as my husband is. He is calculating and crafty, unforgiving, selfish, always lying and exaggerating; and only chases after the endorsement of people. He is his most prophetic when he comes into contact with a rich man or woman. He will say and do anything to cajole or indulge them, so far as they have money. I am sorry to say this, but he is not trustworthy.

DBM: Was he always like this?

SafoMaame: I’d say yes and no, though I had my reservations about him, even back then – when we were dating.

DBM: What kinds of doubts?

SafoMaame: He has difficulty acknowledging his transgressions. He sees the call upon his life to be unique, and above the biblical standard. I know some of his junior pastors in church who are scholarly and can preach and speak into the lives of the congregation way better than him. My husband knows these young, spirit-filled guys can do the job better, but would not share his pulpit. Anything that would influence the attention of the people off him, he would not allow. It always has to be his name on the lips of people; his brand, his message. If a junior pastor proposes a solid idea that benefits the church, at a church-executives meeting, he will undermine the proposal simply because it didn’t come from him. If he feels threatened by a discerning junior pastor, he will send them off to the field to go and establish a branch of the church elsewhere, without any help from him or the church.

DBM: This is not healthy

SafoMaame: Mr. David, if I am to tell you what I am dealing with

DBM: I believe in a church that is bursting with diverse voices and giftings; a church that is welcoming to different minds and interpretations, when it comes to The Word of GOD. I prefer a pastor who doesn’t mind sharing his stage

SafoMaame: Not my husband. He has a dollar account in the name of the church, but the funds are being used for his personal purchases overseas: homes, cars, designer shoes and tailored clothing, etc.

DBM: At the end of the day, it’s your family that’s benefiting from all this, no?

SafoMaame: Yes, and that is why I am troubled. He is not doing things the right way. My husband will accuse a church staff for the same thing he’s doing with church money. Dave, the horrific things my husband has done …

DBM: What has he done?

SafoMaame: Let me tell you about one or two. There are women in our church who unfortunately, are unable to conceive in their marriages. I know my husband prays for a number of them during regular Sunday church services and consultation during the week. Many of them eventually get pregnant. They will come to church to thank my husband after giving birth, give their offerings, but then, stop church afterwards. I kept wondering why I wasn’t seeing many of the new miracle babies and their mothers. I accidentally met two of them at separate locations after a year or two of not attending church, and their sons looked just like my sons when they were their sons’ age. The sad part is, they were all trying to hide from me. They didn’t want me to see their kids. One even lied about the child being home, while he was seated in her car.

DBM: That’s weird

SafoMaame: The resemblance was crystal. They were my husband’s children. And so, I asked if they slept with him. One vehemently denied and was accusing me of insulting her integrity, but the other broke down in the end, and started confessing to how my husband had to have sex with her multiple times till she took seed. This particular lady had been married for six years without a child. She said my husband convinced her in prayer, he was the one to give her the experience of a child, and not her husband.

DBM: Did you confront him?

SafoMaame: I did. He says the call on his life is an opening to help others through whichever means, and that, I need to understand

DBM: The call on his life is not to take advantage of people

SafoMaame: To him, Prophets also make mistakes, and will keep making mistakes, so far as their mistakes solve problems for others. Dave, at the moment, my life revolves around him and what he brings home to our family. The irony is that, he is the first to expose a church member or staff for their wrongdoing

DBM: Do you pray for your husband?

SafoMaame: I used to, but he keeps getting worse

DBM: How many people have you told this to?

SafoMaame: My mother, and now, you.

DBM: In-as-much as you abhor his deceitfulness, I would entreat you not to be spreading rumors about him by telling too many people. Rather, find people you know he respects and would listen to, to address the matter with him.

SafoMaame: His spiritual fathers in ministry are doing worse. Majority of the people who give their offerings to my husband’s church are suffering, yet he would do nothing to support the congregation. He takes, and keeps taking from them. He will prescribe days of fasting and prayers for the church, and he will not pray nor fast at home.

DBM: I can only imagine. I have an idea of many of such people who look the part, while their character lacks the part. Their outward appearance looks good, while their actual motives and intentions stinks.

SafoMaame: Women look up to me in church, and I feel very bad when I think about all the bad things going on in my husband’s ministry that I am helping to cover up with my silence and fears.

DBM: Your task as his wife is to be true to yourself, your husband, the church and to GOD.

SafoMaame: I am not being true to myself and God.

DBM: What do you want to do?

SafoMaame: I’m stuck at the moment. I have heard other preachers questioning his calling and sermons, and he’s always accusing them of being spiritually and biblically oblivious

DBM: Do you see yourself to be growing as a Christian, fellowshipping under your husband’s feet?

SafoMaame: Unfortunately, no!

DBM: If you, his wife isn’t seeing growth in your spiritual walk with GOD, then I wonder what else the church is feeding on.

SafoMaame: Dave, can you pray for me? I am really hurting

DBM: I pray The Lord to make known to you the path He’s called you to take, especially in these times where you cannot clearly tell between what to do and what not to do. Only GOD understands what’s going on in your life, in your mind, in your head, and in your heart. I pray The Peace of GOD to your understanding; I pray healing to your brokenness and hurt. May the grace of GOD be sufficient for even you. I pray The Lord to fill you with so much joy, just at the thought of Him. May He hide you and the children, in the shadows of His wings from the wiles of whatever is causing your husband to be what GOD has not called him to be. May The Lord grant and create in you His sound and pure Heart, Spirit and Mind; and may He smile on you through it all. In Jesus Name, Amen!

SafoMaame: Amen! Thank you!

DBM: You’re most welcome!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Adelaide

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 77: Adelaide

DBM: Hi Adelaide. How would you describe yourself?

Adelaide: I feel all alone. I walk alone, and I have no one but myself and my children

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Adelaide: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Adelaide: I feel like I am not as pumped to make the most of my marriage

DBM: Why is that?

Adelaide: I am disappointed in my husband, and I am very scared of the future ahead of me if I continue to be married to him

DBM: How long have you been married?

Adelaide: Nine years

DBM: What is making you feel disappointed in him?

Adelaide: He is financially unstable. He has been making me pay the bills at home; he shares the payment of our children’s school fees with me. I am paying half of our rent. The amount he gives to feed the house every month is never enough. I am always topping up with so much, I am unable to save for my future.

DBM: Is he in that financial position to give more than he can afford?

Adelaide: He can do better, but he just refuses to. He thinks because I work and also earn enough, he can be miserly when it comes to money. What I am saying has absolutely nothing to do with marrying a man who is well-to-do, and can make like comfortable for me and our children. I am talking about marrying a real man who can handle financial responsibilities right.

DBM: I see

Adelaide: He doesn’t see the good in spending on his wife and children. He only spends when he wants to. He is not happy about anything in life; he complains about everything. Dave, I was very sick the other time and was taken to the hospital. They called my husband to inform him. When it was time for me to be discharged, he came to the ward, asking for my debit card PIN to settle my hospital bill. In other words, my sickness, my bill to pay. Meanwhile. I have been supporting him even in the worst of situations. He talks negative about some of my friends, and has become a negative atmosphere around me.

DBM: Has he always been like that, or he recently started playing smart?

Adelaide: I don’t have an answer to that question, because I am not sure when this person he’s become ever was. My marriage feels worse than before. I don’t have joy in me. He knows how to manipulate certain feelings and behaviors in me to his advantage.

DBM: Do you know what his priorities are?

Adelaide: His work, career and the children. Those are the goals superseding everything else in his life. He thinks he is superior to others who are not in his rank, and has little or no respect for other people’s feelings. My husband is selfish even if he has money.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about this

Adelaide: If I had known this was what I was going to sign up for, I would have avoided him at all cost.

DBM: What do you see in your marriage, three to five years from now?

Adelaide: Misery

DBM: My guess is, your husband is also thinking you are part to blame for whatever is the unsolved problem (s) in your marriage

Adelaide: Dave, when we argue, I am able to point out his actions that hurt my feelings to his face. He has never been bold to tell me, I did this or that, that is why he does this or that in return. In fact, the more I have gotten focused on our marriage, the less he has. I have done things to make him feel loved and cared about. All he does is to enjoy the benefits without lifting a finger, and it’s leaving me drained and vulnerable. At this moment, I am getting sick and tired of him.

DBM: Do you think you are in a toxic marriage?

Adelaide: I would say it’s 50% toxic, and 100% unhappy

DBM: When you search from deep within, do you recognize any part you might have played to turn your husband into this inconsiderate person he’s become?

Adelaide: I wish I knew. On our wedding reception, he told everyone he had married the best woman in the world.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Adelaide: I don’t!

DBM: Why?

Adelaide: He lies a lot. And that has been detrimental to our marriage.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Adelaide: My heart used to surge at the sight of him. Now, I cannot be so sure because I’ve started to check out. I am feeling very hurt, and I want to know what to do. If I can leave this marriage without my children hating me, Dave, trust me; I’d do it.

DBM: Assuming your husband is going to chance on this conversation when published, what would you want him to know?

Adelaide: I feel neglected when you care more about your phone than what I have to say. I feel neglected when you care more about your work than spending time with me. I get frustrated when all you want is sex, and not intimacy with me. I don’t ignore your attempts for sex; I don’t upset you or create frustrations in our marriage; I don’t fake being asleep when you want sex; I don’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ when you want sex. I do not avoid you, yet you only do something for me when you want sex. Whenever I raise a serious concern, you immediately have an excuse to throw back without taking responsibility for anything.

DBM: Do you see your marriage to be broken?

Adelaide: Yes

DBM: And, do you see you and your husband, devoted enough to want to resolve what could be broken?

Adelaide: I know I am

DBM: You have more influence in your marriage than you think

Image Credit: Alex Green

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