Tag: Forgiveness

When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Six-Year Hiatus

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Crai: Hello David. I was once in a relationship with this man I’m about to talk about. We were very much in love but he broke my heart. And because of the why behind his reasons for doing what he did to me, a big part of me unconsciously blocked anything that reminded me of him in my heart and mind. He ended our 3-year relationship because he felt he didn’t make enough money to enable him take care of us. Mind you, I had never asked him to spend on me. I was working and probably even making more money than he was but he left me for a rich widow who was 12 years older than him. He was not in love with the lady. He told me so himself. He ended things with me because the widow wanted to date him and needed him to be completely single. He asked me not to date anyone and give him 6 years to achieve his dreams through the widow’s support and then he will end things with her and come back for me. His six years with her ended in July 2025, and true to his word, he’s back asking for my hand in marriage. She funded his masters and PhD in Europe, used her connections to link him to land his current job and now he even has a 3-bedroom house of his own. His contract with the widow was for 6 years.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are you?

Crai: 42

DBM: How old is he?

Crai: 44

DBM: Did you wait during his six-year hiatus or you also dated other people?

Crai: I was the lady in waiting

DBM: Why?

Crai: He’s the only man I’ve ever truly loved

DBM: Were you in communication with him after he broke things off?

Crai: He reached out to me twice every month to assure me he was going to keep his word.

DBM: Just that?

Crai: Yes. It did not go beyond that. He gave that assurance twice every month and would ask me to wait for six more years, five more years, four more years, three more years, two more years, one more year etc.

DBM: You believe he loved you?

Crai: I believe he is in love with me.

DBM: Were finances the only reason for his decision?

Crai: Yes. He used to always complain to me about feeling less of a man because he couldn’t bring in as much to support our relationship. I wasn’t even complaining, Dave.

DBM: Why him?

Crai: He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met. What he did to our relationship was dishonorable but he’s an honorable man. I remember the night he ended our relationship; he held my two hands in his and he started to pray and bless me. I cannot describe that evening with the right words. I broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. I cried so hard he started to also cry. He couldn’t stop himself from crying. It was a powerful moment. That was when I knew he was really in love with me and felt bad about his decision.

DBM: He felt bad about his decision but went ahead with it anyway

Crai: Yes. I’m not going to pretend I understand why he did what he did to me but after that night of our break-up, prayer and tears, I developed a new found respect and admiration for him. He’s a powerful man.

DBM: What I want to know is, he did not cheat on the widow with you during the six years break?

Crai: He did not. He also told me he did not cheat on her with anyone else. He entered into a contract and fulfilled his part of the deal.

DBM: What’s your current opinion of him?

Crai: I don’t know if I can trust him again.

DBM: What he did to you, in my opinion, is a subtle warning flag. It may seem small a red flag to him, but it’s still something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

Crai: Yes. And my guards are all up

DBM: Well, there are people worth letting your guard down for. Question is, is he one of those?

Crai: I still love him very much but I am so scared. He’s asking me to marry him, Dave. He doesn’t want to date all over again or hang around. He’s asking to go see my parents.

DBM: I married someone who could be with me despite the troubles and my lack thereof. My partner is someone who could see that I would eventually get there, and was willing to tag along for the ride. Next year, we will be eight years on this ride.

Crai: You think I should risk it?

DBM: You already risked your heart in waiting for six years. You’ve offered him the power to hurt you, betray and reject you. What else is there to him to fear?

Crai: Hmmm.

DBM: Be upfront with what you need from him and be honest with yourself about exactly what you need. There’s no point in holding back if you’re genuinely, that much into him.

Crai: I know I will be happy and in love with him. I will be my most passionate with him.

DBM: Let’s go for it then. There is true joy in true love.

Crai: Let’s go for it. David, thank you very much.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Omari: Hello David. I hope you are fine? I am a silent follower and a big fan of your page. I do not always agree with the way you sometimes think, but I like you for that same reason. I’ve been married to my good luck of a wife for 23 years. When I met her, I was living on way less than I ever thought a poor man could survive on. I was aware of everything I lacked in life and that broke my confidence. I was in my little corner, avoiding people as usual when I met my wife. Everything about her overwhelmed me but she was one of the very few people I thought were worth keeping around because she saw only the best in me.

The types of guys who were interested in her were people who looked and smelled good. There was hope in their future, and they had money to spend. Being uncertain about my future was exhausting and depressing. The man I wanted to become before settling down wasn’t the disappointed I felt I had become. Hurt and confusion were some of the mixed emotions I battled with. I was ashamed of myself but my wife wasn’t. She believed in me. She prayed for me. She loved me. She saw me. We met by chance and it was at a time when I doubted whether I was cut for love. She showed me that I was worthy of her time and attention. She understood my situation and loved me through that phase of my life.

We eventually got married. She got pregnant with our first child, a boy. Before he turned one year old, he said his first words in six separate days to just me. It was a Saturday morning, 2:25 AM. He wouldn’t stop crying and his mother was tired and deep in her sleep. I got up to go pick him up from his room. The moment he set those dreamy eyes on me, he smiled and said, “Dada”. It was a big milestone because his mother and I had been wondering and waiting to know what his first word would be. When my wife woke up, I bragged about it and wanted the child to repeat his first words again but he said nothing. He went back to his toddler language, babbling and crying through his fumbled speech.

Sunday morning, 2:25 AM, he was crying again. His mother was fast asleep and I had to go and get him. He saw me enter his room and he smiled. “Dada, Mama”. It was weird. He didn’t repeat those words again during the day. Monday, 2:25 AM, he started to cry. I had to sleep because I had to go to work in few hours. He wouldn’t stop crying. My wife wouldn’t wake up to attend to him. I got to his room, and he beams with laughter, “Dada, Mama, Isss…”. He wouldn’t say anything else again for the rest of the day. Dave, it was at this point that I felt in my spirit that God had a message for me through my son. I looked forward to the next dawn. I slept in his room and woke myself up at 2:00 AM. 25 minutes after I had woken up, he wakes up and smiles after seeing me. ‘Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa…”

The following dawn, I got up again, next to him in his room. Same time, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa Ghud…”. On the sixth day, same routine. I had to sleep in his room. He wakes up to my presence and he laughs, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa. Ghud. Laak.”

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No way!

Omari: I kid you not, David. He didn’t wake up to speak to me again after delivering his message. His routine went back to normal. It was when he was 18 months old that his mother started to hear him typically start to use words more purposefully around her. Like, ‘ball, come, no, yes’ etc.

DBM: Oh my!

Omari: When I got married to my wife, things started happening for my good. Opportunities started opening and coming my way. Initially, I thought it was my own doing and hard work. But after my son’s message to me, I had to look back and appreciate who had been encouraging and praying for me to free myself from the self-imposed limitations I had been placing on myself. It was my wife. I had so much doubt in my mind but she chose to believe in me, so I could believe in myself and persist no matter what. Wonderful things started to happen to me. I began to see success in my career. I started to feel happy for the first time in my life.

DBM: I’m really happy for you.

Omari: Yeah, but I changed along the way.

DBM: How so?

Omari: Dave, I was hitting my career goals. My financial goals were papping. My life goals were being achieved, year after year.

DBM: Let me guess!

Omari: It happened a couple of times. I started to find problems with everything she did. I was no longer content with just her. I broke her heart. I made her feel alone in the marriage. I started lying to her and cheating. I became cold towards her. I became distant, loveless, etc.

DBM: But why?

Omari: Money changes men. I forgot about how she used to take care of me when I had nothing. My wife practically gave me her all when I had nothing to my name. She supported me in ways I had never experienced before. She was my goddamn helpmate but what happened after my levels had changed? She got cheated on. And I remained to be the dog that incessantly pissed on her favorite rug. And because I knew she loved me so much and wanted our marriage to work, she would clean up the rug every time I pissed on it.

DBM: How long were you in your feels – in this phase of your life?

Omari: Three years

DBM: What happened next?

Omari: My wife stopped loving me. The worst version of me had been waiting to be set free, only for me to lose it all again. I was involved in a car accident when I was on a trip with one of my girlfriend’s outside of Accra. She died in my car. She was pregnant with my child and I didn’t even know. She’s Fante. Her family put me through hell. Mind you, I was bedridden for three months after the accident but her family didn’t care. They tormented me. I was forced to marry her corpse before her burial. I went through the whole process of knocking and presentation of drinks with my family. Dowry, name it. I put a ring on her dead finger. And I was in wheelchair doing all this. Every penny I had worked for and saved, their family took it through bills, charges, compensation, etc.

DBM: Where was your wife?

Omari: At home. She said nothing. She just focused on the children and her job. I couldn’t even complain, after everything I had put her through. My brother took me to the house I had rented for my other girlfriend, and she nursed me for two months only. She couldn’t babysit me again. She said she had her own life to live because she was a young girl. She told me I needed to go back home to my wife. She drove me to the house and left me behind the gate, after ringing the bell. The gateman carried me to the house. My son was seven years old at this time. He was playing with his sister when I was brought in. He looked at me with a disappointing stare. My daughter was happy to see me of course, but he wasn’t. I asked them where their mother was, and these were his exact response to me, “Daddy, your good luck left”.

DBM: Oh my! I have totally forgotten about that part. “Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak.”

Omari: Yes. It all came back to me. Dave, I had to repent. I had to change. My good luck no longer was willing to tolerate and enable my bad behavior. I had to occasionally say ‘no’ to myself in order to become a better man for myself, wife and children.

DBM: How are you doing today?

Omari: Life is picking up, little by little. I haven’t looked back since. I am almost 14 years cheat-sober.

DBM: Well done!

Omari: Dave, money makes men nicer. Money makes us curious. Our wives are our good luck, especially if you’re like me, and came into your marriage with nothing but her love and support to hold to. As I chat with you today, and I am telling you since I made the decision to, as you often say on your page, do right by my partner, every other day of the years, I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me… because of my wife.

DBM: That’s good to know!

Omari: David, I have tears in my eyes. My dear Diana, my good luck; these 23 years of marriage to you have been all the reminder I needed of how completely unworthy I am to humbly serve as your husband. You have given me the opportunity to be better. You have given me the opportunity to change. I am becoming the man I am proud of. I have become the kind of man I believe God is comfortable entrusting your heart to. My only prayer today is to continue learning and fighting for you and for our marriage.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Eye For An Eye

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Aqua: Hi Dave. Story time. When our child was born, my wife suggested two names she wanted me to add to the names I had already chosen for my son. We had agreed on two names, plus my surname. But my wife, out of nowhere, wanted us to add two new names to his name. Just recently, I was having issues with my phone and had to use my wife’s WhatsApp to call someone. I came across conversations she’d had with two different men who were under the assumption that my son was theirs. They know my wife is married, yet believed my son was theirs. Meaning, they both slept with her at a point in time. Their first names, interestingly, happened to be the two new names my wife added to my names for our son. I also found out that, they have been sending her money every month for ‘their’ son’s upkeep. Dave, there is absolutely nothing lower than a woman you think is in love with you, lying about the paternity of a child. I think it’s unfair and I’m going to clap back.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you confronted your wife about your discovery?

Aqua: I have. Her only excuse is that I was cheating on her so she had to let her own hair down.

DBM: Were you cheating on her?

Aqua: I was but I stopped when I got caught.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Aqua: I’m going to leave this marriage

DBM: I see. Do you mind me asking why you were cheating on her?

Aqua: Same reason every guy steps out sometimes. I needed to feel needed and admired. The woman I was with was struggling with her life and career. My intention was to help her find a job but we both became vulnerable and lost focus.

DBM: Does she have a job now?

Aqua: She’s still working on it. I gave her a few contacts and leads when I ended things.

DBM: Is your marriage worth saving?

Aqua: No

DBM: You’re done?

Aqua: Totally done.

DBM: You don’t think you can ever forgive her?

Aqua: I will never be able to forgive her

DBM: How about how she felt when you were doing the cheating?

Aqua: I didn’t get the other woman pregnant. There is a difference

DBM: I am not talking about that. I am talking about how you made her feel when she caught you cheating. Were you expecting her to forgive and forget?

Aqua: She said she had forgiven me. And I believed her. That’s why I ended things with the other girl.

DBM: I know you feel betrayed right now but I’d have to ask again; there really is nothing worth holding on to?

Aqua: Even if there is, I don’t think I’d ever trust her again

DBM: Do you think she would ever trust you again?

Aqua: I don’t care anymore bro.

DBM: Do you at least, feel the love you once had for her beneath all the anger you’re feeling right now?

Aqua: I don’t think I can bring myself to love her like I used to.

DBM: That’s understandable. Has she apologized to you?

Aqua: Yes.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Aqua: I did when I was caught.

DBM: Was it sincere?

Aqua: Does it matter? She cheated back

DBM: And, is the baby your child?

Aqua: Yes. I did a DNA test.

DBM: Thank GOD! Now, baby is yours. What’s the next step?

Aqua: Filing for divorce.

DBM: That is your final decision?

Aqua: Final decision.

DBM: Have you started with the process?

Aqua: Not yet.

DBM: When do you intend to?

Aqua: Not sure but soon.

DBM: You still live in the same house?

Aqua: Yes, but sleeping in separate rooms.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Aqua: 5 years

DBM: That’s a young marriage. Do you want my opinion or you just needed to find a space to vent?

Aqua: What’s your opinion?

DBM: Maintain the separation arrangement and sleep in different rooms. Use the time to reflect on your individual actions and be happy on your own terms. Make little efforts to invest in the marriage if you still think you can one day be willing to show up – with a forgiving heart, to grant the mother of your child mercy. If you can see yourself, someday, extending grace on your wife, you will grow to want to rebuild the marriage from where you left of.

Aqua: You would have told a woman to leave her cheating husband. You and your biases

DBM: Well, guess what! The cheating husband in question was the one cheating on her first. Deal with it or take accountability.

Aqua: I can forgive her but not now.

DBM: That’s a great start. Anytime I choose to forgive someone it helps reduce the hate and dislike I have for the person. Genuine forgiveness also inspires a change in our behavior and encourages a healthy attitude towards rebuilding a relationship.

Aqua: But Dave, I’m still questioning whether we have to work things out. I still feel like I am done with her.

DBM: If you reflect on it and still come to the same conclusion, then don’t force to make it work. Not all marriages are meant to last.

Aqua: Thanks

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Hilda

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 161: Hilda

DBM: Hello Hilda. How would you describe yourself?

Hilda: Daddy’s adorable princess

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Hilda: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hilda: My father’s blood has been clotting for the past months, and he’s also suffering from stroke. He cannot move his right hand and leg; he cannot eat or swallow food. Even his speech is affected. He cannot see properly; he doesn’t seem to also remember a number of things. He is only 66 years old. My mother is refusing to take care of him. They had a rough patch in their marriage and my mother is using their past to punish him.

DBM: Are they still married?

Hilda: Legally, yes.

DBM: Is there a ‘no’ in the other forms of ‘lly’s’?

Hilda: Traditionally, my mother’s family returned my father’s drinks to annul their marriage

DBM: So, they’re divorced?

Hilda: The court hasn’t pronounced them divorced yet. Neither of them was willing to proceed in court.

DBM: Describe the severity of their ‘rough patch’

Hilda: My father was involved in some affairs, and he packed out of his matrimonial home to move in with one of his women. They were together for 12 years

DBM: ‘Were together?’

Hilda: She was cheating on him too

DBM: ‘On him too’, meaning what?

Hilda: My dad was cheating on her with another woman.

DBM: Let me get this right, your father cheated on your mother with this woman he moved in with for 12 years, and was cheating on her too with another?

Hilda: Yes

DBM: A lot of married women get bored in their bedrooms. Especially those in great marriages, who had known more than one man intimately – prior to marriage. They equally do miss the rush and the thought of being excited in an intense emotional and sexual connection with an attractive man. Most men think they’re the only species moved by what they see. Many women will go after what attracts them too. The only motivation needed is the right challenge to be thrown. A woman’s libido is as alive and kicking, and very enthusiastic about feeling satisfied as much as that of men.

Hilda: My dad messed up, we all know that

DBM: But does he know he messed up?

Hilda: He does now

DBM: You mean to say, it had to take his paralysis and sensory impairment to bring him to his knees, no?

Hilda: Hmmm!

DBM: What happened after your father found out he wasn’t the only smart douchebag in the equation?

Hilda: He sacked her from his house

DBM: They had kids?

Hilda: Yes. I have three half-siblings

DBM: Where are they?

Hilda: They’re with their mother

DBM: How many siblings do you have from your mother’s side?

Hilda: One. A brother

DBM: Where is he?

Hilda: He lives in Tema, with his family

DBM: Are you married?

Hilda: Yes, with children

DBM: I have a clearer background now. What do you want from your mother again?

Hilda: My brother and I have decided it’s the right thing to do for my mother to take care of my father

DBM: Because of what?

Hilda: Legally, he’s still her husband

DBM: In what world? Your father spent 12 years with another woman, and even procreated with her. Didn’t your mother also move on with her life?

Hilda: She’s always believed she was still married to him

DBM: So, she didn’t date or get married?

Hilda: She remained single

DBM: Do you know why she chose not to move on?

Hilda: Yes. He was her true love. She also believed he would eventually come back to her

DBM: With his inability to localize his body parts? Anyways, why aren’t you welcoming your own father under your roof?

Hilda: It’s a huge responsibility. I already have a lot on my plate

DBM: Like?

Hilda: A husband, my children and work. It’s a lot to ask for

DBM: And you think your mother wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, taking care of him?

Hilda: She can do it

DBM: How do you know?

Hilda: I know my mother

DBM: Would you take your husband back to nurse him, if he had treated you the same way your father did your mother?

Hilda: I don’t know, maybe.

DBM: Or maybe not. You know why? Because any man worthy of your love will be unstinting with R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And no woman should be spelling this out to a man.

Hilda: As Christians, I do not think my mother should pay back evil with evil

DBM: If your mother’s peace of mind distracts you from seeing the GOD in her, then you were never good a daughter to her.

Hilda: What makes you think that?

DBM: Because you want to shove your father down her throat

Hilda: My father needs the people he loves around him in these critical moments

DBM: That’s why you and your brother are there, no?

Hilda: We cannot take up this responsibility

DBM: Send him to any one of his other women

Hilda: I’m not sure they would take him in his present state

DBM: Hire a caregiver then. You and your brother can afford such service, no?

Hilda: We can, but our mother would do a better job at loving and caring for him

DBM: Is your mother deserving of something good?

Hilda: Yes

DBM: Then find another alternative to figure help for your father. He is not a pleasant presence to uphold in your mother’s sight.

Hilda: How about forgiveness?

DBM: Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should deny the hurt. It doesn’t mean your father should be let off the hook. You are conveniently explaining away your mother’s hurt, and I find that rather unfortunate and disrespectful. Your mother has the right to want to choose your father in his very vulnerable state. It’s her choice

Hilda: I know

DBM:   It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Hilda: Do you prefer a thoughtful balance of invigorating honesty, or a lenient little white lie would suffice?

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

Image Credit: Charlotte May

Let’s Talk To Ola

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 153: Ola

DBM: Hello Ola. How would you describe yourself?

Ola: The older I get, the more promises I break, and the baggage heaping on

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ola: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ola: I want render a public apology to my wife. I’ve hurt her feelings and I feel like a terrible husband.

DBM: You did not hurt her feelings because you’re a terrible person. It’s just human nature to disappoint people

Ola: You don’t know what I did

DBM: What did you do?

Ola: I did the one thing I promised her I would never do.

DBM: Let me guess, you had an affair?

Ola: Yes, and got the other woman pregnant.

DBM: I see

Ola: I’ve tried to explain things to her but she’s not making time for a sit-down. I see her reading from your blog and Facebook

DBM: You’ve hurt the poor lady’s feelings. Demanding her time isn’t the best thing to do now

Ola: How then am I supposed to get her to forgive me?

DBM: Request for her audience. And, don’t expect her to grant it anyways

Ola: But she’s my wife

DBM: What does that mean?

Ola: I don’t know what it means. I’m just saying

DBM: Don’t mock a pain you haven’t endured. Let her be till she’s ready to hear you out

Ola: It’s been three months, Dave

DBM: So? Keep waiting

Ola: Till when? I’ve told her a million times how sorry I am

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ola: 7 years

DBM: Give her some space

Ola: Even after three months?

DBM: Does she cook for you?

Ola: Yes

DBM: When was the last time you had sex?

Ola: Eight days ago

DBM: If she’s giving you sex, why are you still pestering her for her attention?

Ola: She’s not giving me any sex

DBM: But you had sex with her eight days ago, no?

Ola: It wasn’t with my wife

DBM: Who did you have sex with?

Ola: The other lady

DBM: I don’t know you personally, but you remind me ice cream, and not vegetables. You want to only make your wife feel good but not with the intention of helping her grow.

Ola: That’s unfair. You don’t know me like that

DBM: Your wife has not given you attention because of the pain you caused her. She’s hurt as a result of your actions. An action you’re still engaging in. Maybe I’m missing the point: how are you going to offer her comfort and compassion to ease the hurt she’s feeling?

Ola: Body no bi firewood, Dave

DBM: Are you even capable of doing right by her?

Ola: I am

DBM: I see

Ola: She needs to get over it. I’m getting tired of everything

DBM: Meaning?

Ola: The marriage. She’s constantly reminding me of betraying her trust

DBM: But you know you betrayed her trust in you, no?

Ola: And I’ve told her how sorry I am. The other woman doesn’t even mind me being with other women. She knows I love her and will be there for her when she needs me. Why can’t my wife think along the same lines?

DBM: Because you wife doesn’t encourage the lowest version of you.

Ola: Dave, all men cheat

DBM: With a mentality like this, you would only be making things worse between you and your wife.

Ola: I’m not sure what else to say to make things better between us

DBM: But you want to help make things better between the two of you?

Ola: Yes

DBM: You mentioned loving the other woman?

Ola: I love her, but I don’t think I’m in love with her

DBM: Are you excited about the baby she’s expecting?

Ola: Well, if it’s a boy, why not

DBM: What if it’s a girl?

Ola: Same thing

DBM: Is this pregnant other woman, the only other woman you’ve been with since you married your wife?

Ola: Yes

DBM: But you said she’s okay with you being with other women, no?

Ola: She’s told me she wouldn’t mind if I want to

DBM: Tell me a little about her

Ola: She’s given me more than her heart. She loves me even when I’m not worthy of her love. She supports what makes me happy

DBM: Tell me something about your wife

Ola: A beautiful woman, hardworking, funny and fantastic mother to our children. We’ve been through a whole lot together

DBM: You have the opportunity to talk to your wife. What do you want to say?

Ola: I know you said sorry isn’t enough but I’m sorry. I feel awful to have upset you. I take full responsibility for my actions and nothing that I have done is as a result of something you did. I was wrong and I apologize.

DBM: Participant 152, Dexter, left a question for you: ‘Share with me a moment in your life that you will never forget’

Ola: I did not go to work, two days to the birth of our first child. I had cleaned the entire house as my welcoming package to my wife and our first child. I felt so sad and helpless watching her endure the pain of frequent contractions. I will never forget when she started to push at the hospital. I saw my son’s head before he came out, crying.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ola: Why did you forgive the person who hurt you the most?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Ketut Subiyanto 

Let’s Talk To Emmett

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 139: Emmett

DBM: Hello Emmett. How would you describe yourself?

Emmett: Competent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emmett: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emmett: I did not show up at my own wedding. I hadn’t planned to do this but it happened, and a part of me till this day regret what I did to my woman and her family. Even my own family. It’s been 10 months since it happened and I want to get married to my fiancée all over again. I made a bad call and have apologized to her, but her family is not willing to let go.

DBM: Your fiancée has forgiven you?

Emmett: Not really but she’s admitted to still being in love with me

DBM: Why did you not show at your wedding?

Emmett: It’s a long story

DBM: I have time

Emmett: She had dated my cousin prior to us meeting. I found out about it the morning of our wedding. My cousin’s girlfriend had come across a conversation between them and it seemed like my cousin still is into her. She sent me screenshots and I blew the whole issue out of proportion. I should have confronted my woman but … Also, I considered going ahead with the wedding and then, divorcing her the next day or just sticking it out. But I couldn’t control my anger and tears. I asked my Best Man on our way to the church to pull over just so I could cry. I couldn’t go ahead with the wedding

DBM: Has she any feelings for your cousin?

Emmett: No

DBM: Why didn’t she tell you about him?

Emmett: She didn’t know we were related until a few days to our wedding

DBM: Do you know why they broke up?

Emmett: He had gotten a different woman pregnant

DBM: Do you trust your girlfriend?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Emmett: Not putting expectations on the one I care about dearly. Not assuming I know all there is to her. Not trying to change her into someone she’s not.

DBM: What was your relationship with her like?

Emmett: It was good, peaceful, committed, with a lot of compromise. We used to forgive each other freely. There was a lot of fun and laughter and happiness. We both made the effort. The feeling was great, energized and motivated by pure intentions. We had sex three times a week, and that made me very happy

DBM: What was your state of mind like, when you asked her to marry you?

Emmett: We had talked about settling down in marriage. We were excited about it and looking forward to making our relationship official. I was in a good place with us and myself, most importantly, when I proposed. I experienced what it meant to be a happy man because of her

DBM: How would you describe her character?

Emmett: She’s a better human being than I am

DBM: Have you spoken to your cousin?

Emmett: I have

DBM: What did he say?

Emmett: He explained why my woman ended things between them

DBM: He’s still into her?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Emmett: He told me, ‘May the better man win her over again’

DBM: Meaning?

Emmett: He’s broken up with his girlfriend to chase after my woman

DBM: Your family, how did they react to your decision?

Emmett: I don’t know how they feel about what happened but my mother still wants me to marry my woman. She believes she’s the one meant for me

DBM: Is she?

Emmett: She’s the woman for me, and the best relationship I’ve ever had. And it’s not because I want her for myself; what we share is about something way bigger; a beautiful life we can create together. Any man to be loved by her should count themselves, lucky

DBM: How did she react after what you did?

Emmett: She did not talk to me for weeks

DBM: Do you understand why her family wants nothing to do with you?

Emmett: Yes, but I will keep apologizing to them till they find it in themselves to forgive me

DBM: How did you two first meet?

Emmett: I met her in court. She had accompanied my client, her friend to her divorce proceeding. The client introduced us after her divorce hearing, and I think was trying to hook me up with her.

DBM: You’re a lawyer?

Emmett: I am

DBM: Can I ask a question or two, unrelated to our chat?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: Do most divorcing clients opt for your services with the intention of keeping their divorce proceedings cordial?

Emmett: Majority of my clients do hope for an amicable process with their spouse. But a large percentage of them come to me tremendously hurt at heart and emotionally triggered. I offer two approaches when it comes to the termination of a marriage, and the client achieving his or her expected results: the HARD way or the EASY way

DBM: To what extent are you willing to go to keep your client satisfied?

Emmett: Clients hire me specifically to do a job. I am therefore, required to legally and ethically do my job to the best of my ability – with just one goal in mind, accomplishing the expectations entrusted by the client.

DBM: If you’re to advise anyone considering a divorce, what would you say to them?

Emmett: What you are considering may be entirely different from what you’d eventually decide to do. Understand the divorce process by talking to people who have been through it; read online to have an idea about it. You need to have money saved to embark on this journey. Be mindful of what you say to the people around you. If you have children, know it’s going to impact them one way or the other. Be certain there is no love left in you for the other party. Divorce is just another phase of life. Life goes on, and you can love again afterwards. Just be patient and kind with yourself. Be interested in knowing how your attorney thinks, be interested in their behavior. You can choose to like or not, your attorney. But you have to trust and be confident in their services.

DBM: Participant 138, Hera, left a question for you: ‘You are being given the chance to make your one wish come true, what would it be?’

Emmett: To marry my fiancée and make peace with her family. She did nothing wrong. I made the decision not to wed because I wasn’t ready to forgive or know the truth. That also made me realize I wasn’t ready to be a husband.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Emmett: Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Dellon Thomas

Let’s Talk To Maxton

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 128: Maxton bro

DBM: Hi Maxton. How would you describe yourself?

Maxton: An achiever, happy and I treat people close to me well.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Maxton: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Maxton: My biological father failed me. He was not that much involved in my life while growing up. I sometimes feel like I could have had a better chance of excelling on a social basis, emotionally and academically if he had been present to me. He is still alive though. The man I had the privilege of calling ‘father’ was a former school mate’s and childhood best friend’s dad. He opened his home to me when he picked his son from schools 34 years ago, and I think heard me crying. He could tell I was hungry just by looking at me. I remember his son looking at him and asking if I could go home with them. His son had been sharing his food with me for weeks but had to stop upon advisement. I wasn’t a student at the school; I went there only with the hope of finding food to eat. Even with my 12-year-old mind, I could tell he saw his dad as an example of how to express concern and care. He could empathize with me because he was sensitive to his emotions, and could express exactly how he felt about my plight.

DBM: How old was his son?

Maxton: 10 or 11

DBM: Where was your mother during this period?

Maxton: Dead

DBM: Why wasn’t your father taking full responsibility of your wellbeing?

Maxton: His wife had suggested I rather stayed with one of my uncles. My uncle wasn’t married and was never home; I was always hungry. Going to that school was my refuge. I met people who liked me, got food to eat and books to read.

DBM: What’s your relationship with your biological father now?

Maxton: I’ve forgiven him. That’s not to say I condone his neglect

DBM: Understood.

Maxton: Yeah, I demanded for an apology. I felt he had hurt me in a way that, my expected response was to do something to even up or hit him where it would hurt. But he said he was sorry, and I believed him.

DBM: What happened after the other man had seen you crying at his son’s school?

Maxton: He bought me food, and then told me to visit their house anytime I felt like playing with his son. He got me enrolled in the school and paid for my fees.

DBM: What’s your life like now?

Maxton: I’m happily married, a father of two and love my kids to death. I am enjoying the whole process of influencing the lives and wellbeing of my children. The relationship I have with them is healthy; I understand them, I’m conscious of their feelings because I make time to bond with them; we talk to one another

DBM: How important is being a father to you?

Maxton: It’s a blessing I will not trade for anything else in the world. My kids think of me as the comedian of the house because I make them laugh all the time. I love hearing the sound of their laughter and their happiness therein. Also, I thought my wife was the love of my life till my troublesome kids came along. The depth of my love for them cannot be quantified. I love to look at them fall asleep, I love to hug them back, I love the way they smell, I love to kiss them goodnight etc. They bring the better version of me that I never knew existed out to play.

DBM: What do you think your wife thinks of you as the father of her children?

Maxton: I don’t know. Unless you ask her yourself

DBM: But she’s not part of the chat

Maxton: Hold on, will call her to come answer. Her name is Adjeley

Adjeley: Hello David

DBM: Hello! How are you doing?

Adjeley: Fine, thank you. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How would you describe your husband’s relationship with the children?

Adjeley: He loves them and always wants to be close to them. He enjoys teaching them new things and likes playing with them. He homeschools them during the weekends, helping them with their homework and going over whatever they had learned in the week. We do a lot of family outings too. I think because his father wasn’t that involved in his life, he’s choosing to be there for ours so the world someday can be prepared to receive them.

DBM: How is he as a husband?

Adjeley: He enjoys me and loves being near me. He tenderly shows it in the manner of ways he manages to spend time with me. He is a patient man. He is sensitive to my needs and speaks to me in a soft tone of voice. We’ve been married for 10 years and he’s never shouted at me before. He’s my buddy-buddy, has great sense of humor, he’s a great communicator and loves to talk to me about everything. He makes me happy. And, I’m well taken care of. He’s the one person I believe I can count on when the going gets tough. I trust my husband not to betray what we have built together.

DBM: Is there anything you want to say to him?

Adjeley: Mr. Quartey, you’re the only man who has made the effort to adapt to me, putting aside your own preferences just to make what we have work. I respect the way you respect me; I love the way you love me. You’re everything I dreamed for our children. You’re a great guy, and I am holding on to you till death do us part.

DBM: Thank you! Let me talk to your husband now.

Maxton: Dave

DBM: Yo! Your wife loves you very much

Maxton: The feeling is mutual

DBM: How did you meet?

Maxton: A friend introduced us. The moment I saw her, I had a hunch that she was meant for me. I fancied her. I was attracted to her

DBM: Is she a good woman to you?

Maxton: She is

DBM: How about to the children?

Maxton: She captures their attention. She’s a good mother

DBM: Participant 127, Silas, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal, loving smart or hard – and damning the consequence?’

Maxton: I do not think I have anything to prove to anyone when it comes to loving my wife and children. I show my love the greatest way I know how, and they get it. It is not attached to the opinions of people

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Maxton: What gets you out of bed every morning?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Brett Sayles

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