Tag: Life

Let’s Talk To Rayowa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 107: Rayowa

DBM: Hi Rayowa. How would you describe yourself?

Rayowa: Omo Naija in the house

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rayowa: A 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rayowa: I want to do something different with you to unlock value. Let’s exchange information based on our understanding and experiences of things, situations and with people. I will ask you any question that I feel you would enjoy answering, and vice versa. It can be personal; it can be general. I will not hold back with the truth, and I am hoping you wouldn’t either?

DBM: What if I do not find a question enjoyable?

Rayowa: You tell me, and I will ask something different

DBM: Okay!

Rayowa: How old are you?

DBM: 38. You?

Rayowa: 45. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

DBM: Lol! I’d say 7 today. Tell me a little about Nigeria

Rayowa: Nigeria is a developing country, with its capital being Abuja. We run the Federal Presidential Republic type of government. Our currency is the Naira, and English is the official language spoken. There are other languages such as Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo and Fulani. We have a population of about 215 million people. The Nigerian knows how to survive and excel in all circumstances, reason why ‘Naija no dey carry last’, meaning, Nigeria never would come last. I’ve been taught to marry well, amass as many degrees as possible, and earn enough money so I can take care of my parents in their old age. I am also to do way better than my parents – in every way or form. The mortality rate of the country is high due to AIDS. And just like any other country, crime is high in Nigeria. Even an individual wearing a police uniform can commit a violent crime so easily. 419 is another level of Nigerian-operated fraudulent schemes. Nigerians want to be respected at all cost because we are hardworking, we are super competitive. Nigerians are driven by societal statuses, and yes, we can be stubborn.

DBM: I see

Rayowa: What do men want?

DBM: I don’t know what men want

Rayowa: What do you want?

DBM: With respect to?

Rayowa: Love, relationship

DBM: I want someone who answers my every question honestly, and is willing to volunteer any form of information needed to be heard. I want a love-relationship that encourages growth and fidelity. I want my peace and quiet; I want to eat good, healthy meals and build a friendship worth keeping.

Rayowa: Your turn

DBM: What are the two good things you learned from your mother?

Rayowa: My mother did not settle at every turn in her life and love relationships when she was being treated like crap. She’s currently in her fourth marriage, and this has been her longest and happiest. Because of her, I know how to say ‘no’ to any situation that seeks to cheapen who I am. I will not take just anything simply because others think there is nothing better out there that could come my way. Just like my mum, I am worthy of something better; I am worthy of someone better.

DBM: That’s a good response

Rayowa: What two things did you learn from your father?

DBM: I wasn’t close with/to my dad; I still am not but I observed certain things about his way of life when I was younger. He would always pursue what he truly loved and believed in, rather than being trapped in an office doing things he didn’t so much enjoy. I have learned to do things I am truly excited about and amazingly good at; so far as it doesn’t feel like a job, I will never tire doing it. The second would be, living a simple life within my means. I never saw him judging himself based on other people’s values and metrics… Because he was never competing with anyone. It was never his style to show off to anyone to prove a point. He only did what he believed in, and was in competition with just himself to achieve his goals.

Rayowa: I love that

DBM: What is the one exciting thing in your life right now?

Rayowa: I recently enrolled as a PhD student at the University of Oxford, after many attempts of applying for PhD scholarships. I am very happy and proud of myself right now.

DBM: Congratulations!

Rayowa: Thank you, Dave. Do you think a man is worth fighting for?

DBM: What type of man?

Rayowa: The type one is in love with

DBM: I don’t ‘fight’, it’s draining and too much work/stress.

Rayowa: You’ve never fought for something you believe in?

DBM: I have, and that was when I didn’t know any better. Today, I only will ‘fight’ for the right side – which is obviously my side.

Rayowa: You will not fight for a love that once made you feel good?

DBM: ‘Once made you feel good’. Question is, what has changed now?

Rayowa: Say, there is a hidden competition for his attention somewhere else

DBM: No! I only believe in investing in people the best way possible. If they don’t/can’t do the same for you, you let go. The reason why I don’t engage in ‘fights’ is because it involves a win by either getting beaten or beating someone else down. At this point in my life, my energy and focus are solely on figuring out what drives true joy from within me. I will let you go if you don’t think what we share is that special to cherish.

Rayowa: Just like that?

DBM: Just like that!

Rayowa: Even if he makes me happy?

DBM: If he was making you happy, you wouldn’t be thinking of doing any and everything to have him in your life. If you love him, and want the relationship that bad, he should be choosing you too. You don’t fight for his attention all by yourself; it’s supposed to be a side-by-side interest genuinely expressed by the both of you. He should be deserving of you as much as you think you deserve him.

Rayowa: It’s your turn

DBM: What am I not asking you that I should?

Rayowa: I don’t know how to keep my husband for myself

DBM: Is your husband showing you all the respect, consistency and depth that you know you deserve in the marriage?

Rayowa: Not really. And he’s become so unreasonable to even talk to lately. I feel like I have done more than he deserves

DBM: If you’re to stand back and take account of your husband’s deeds, he should be the best representation of what’s in your very best interest. You’re not built to break in a fight for a man; you’re here to fight for what you believe is due you. You’re in a position to see your husband as a man worth fighting for if you represent the woman, he believes is worth fighting for as well.

Rayowa: Dave, I have been a good wife to my husband

DBM: It’s still irrelevant if all he leaves on your heart is a scar. I would entreat you to pray for the Wisdom of GOD to know whether or not your husband is the right man for you; because some wins aren’t even worth the scars in the long run.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight

Men Don’t Weep When They Cry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I just want to say something about the last posts you put out. Especially the last one about the woman seeking divorce. I feel men are being accused wrongly of not caring, and I want to let women know that men too cry inside when they are in childless marriages. Dave, I am a man in my 40’s, and so is my wife, and we’ve been married for six years. We have been trying for a child since we married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is a teenager and lives with her mum. We have tried everything from visiting hospitals, wellness centers, churches to even a shrine but all to no joy.

Family and societal pressures have started coming in with the usual ‘go and have a child outside’, ‘your bloodline will die out’ etc. Sometimes there’s the ridicule from friends and family, and the most annoying part is the “what are you waiting for” questions. Look, as a man, hearing these things make you feel sad inside but due to the man you are, you have to walk chest-out-chin so no one knows what you going through.

My wife thinks I don’t care about our situation with my nonchalant attitude. She prays a lot and is ever willing to heed to any advice from someone who gives a recommendation here or there. But as men we don’t think like that. We analyze stuff and look at the risks and opportunity costs involved. Yes, children are not opportunity costs but where you find yourself financially also makes taking certain decisions very tough, especially when you have tried just about everything.

Men think a lot when they have no child in their marriages but do not show emotions like women do because of our ego, which is very important to us. I for one have never, and will never ask or chastise my wife for not having kids. I believe what ever will be will be, and I thank God I am not the kind of man who succumbs to pressure, else, maybe I would have done something by now.

I just want women to know that men breakdown because they have no kids with their wives, but have to show ‘macho faces’ to keep the boat afloat. Imagine both husband and wife sulking each day because of childlessness, who will console who? It is not only women who become exhausted and dazed over this process. Men like me are most often on the sidelines figuring out exactly how we can also be of help. It’s tough watching my wife go through unexplainable moments. I know I am sensitive to her feelings while we go through each passing day. No one can adequately prepare for the emotional resiliency needed to just endure times like these.

I do love my wife so dearly, and in-as-much as I would want to be a parent, I am also choosing to enjoy this beautiful relationship and friendship I have with my wife today. I am equally enjoying the time I have to myself, because who knows, should a child come today, we may not have this much time for ourselves.

My dear beautiful wife,

I am proud of the woman you are and the wife you are to me. I hurt when I see you so upset because of our inability to have children at the moment. I hurt when I see disappointment on your face. I believe anything is possible, and these times should rather be bringing us together to look forward to our future as a team, whereby we make decisions even if under stress. You’re everything important to me, so let’s learn how to prioritize what is important, versus what could be just noise in the background. Life can be such that, we may plan alright in our minds and desire whatever, but it would never turn out as expected. I lean on you, so lean on me. Trust that I have your best interest at heart, with or without children. Our happiness should not be on hold while others progress. There should be no room for anything else but us right now.

To the lady who has decided to settle for divorce, well it’s in your right to do whatever you want but if your husband shows nonchalant attitude and you think he just sleeps while you weep at night, I want to tell you that he has his weep days; you only do not see it because he’s a ‘man’, and supposed to be the strong one amongst you two. He’s apparently shocked at the divorce because it’s the last thing he expected. I say this because per your story, his only crime is he sleeps and displays a nonchalant attitude towards the issue.

Written by DD

Image Credit: Cristiano Silva

Let’s Talk To Liam

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 101: Liam

DBM: Hi Liam. How would you describe yourself?

Liam: Husband, brother and friend.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Liam: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Liam: I want to talk about one of my sisters and the man she’s in love with. We had a neighbor when we were young. He died in a mysterious car accident with his wife and left behind their 14-year-old son. My dad was very good friends with the man, and so he discussed with the uncle and other relatives of the boy to adopt him. He promised them to see him through school etc., which he did eventually. But before that happened, he had become our house-help. I don’t remember how it all started but I know my mother started pushing house chores on him. As the years went by, he became the main helping hand without whom our family would have felt the burden. His name is Thomas. He was cleaning, washing, weeding, sweeping, running errands for my parents… basically working for us every day, and was always late for school.

DBM: You all attended the same school?

Liam: Yes. Though he would come to school late, he attended classes regularly.

DBM: Okay!

Liam: My mother started to not like him. She would breathe on his neck whenever he was doing the chores. My other two sisters would shadow him when my mother was not around

DBM: Why?

Liam: Because my dad always made references in his favor when our school reports were released. They wanted him to know his place in the house, I guess. Thomas was a hard-working student who had a love for learning. He achieved high scores on his tests and final exams. His name was always part of the top 5 in the class.

DBM: You were both in the same grade?

Liam: Yes, but I wasn’t as brilliant. Average I’d say. Anytime he excelled in an exam or topped our class, my father would reward him with cash or buy something expensive for him, which my mother would later take it. I have three sisters, two were always grumpy whenever Thomas was around them, and they made sure he felt unwelcomed at home and in school. My younger sister was just like me, average academically, and wasn’t pulling her weight in class. She was very nice to Thomas, and because of that, he decided to help her with her assignments and would teach her to understand problems she couldn’t solve in school. My sister suddenly wasn’t overwhelmed by the feeling of not scoring an ‘A’, and could stand back to assess her attitude towards studies.

DBM: How many siblings are you?

Liam: We’re six in number.

DBM: I see

Liam: Thomas had aggregate 06 but my mother didn’t allow him to further his education that year. By that time, my father was working abroad, so the major decisions at home were solely taken by my mother. Thomas only got the chance to continue his education after everyone of my siblings had completed senior secondary school.

DBM: Oh, wow!

Liam: That’s my mother for you. By the way, I cannot stand my own mother

DBM: I can only image

Liam: Thomas and my younger sister built an unspoken bond. He managed to get my sister to care about her grades, and was willing to work on improving them. I can confidently say that, my sister achieved success in her education because he helped her to value education.

DBM: What is Thomas’ current profession?

Liam: He is a biology teacher at a Senior High School

DBM: What about your little sister?

Liam: She’s a medical doctor

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Liam: I’m a Systems consultant

DBM: How about your other siblings?

Liam: They’re all doing well; married with children. The only single person is my younger sister. She doesn’t want to be with any other man but Thomas. We all know my mother will not agree to this love story. My dad is presently at a stage where, whatever my mother says goes. My other sisters do not like Thomas, and the two brothers just don’t care.

DBM: How old is your little sister?

Liam: 28

DBM: Thomas is a teacher. Why wouldn’t your mother accept him?

Liam: My mother demeans people who are beneath her level. So, for a man like Thomas, though she knows him to be hardworking and kind, and with good character, and can do his share of work at home diligently when married, she still will assume he wouldn’t be able to properly contribute financially in a marriage – because she knows how much Ghanaian teachers in the public sector earn. She sees such men to be handicapped. To her, they will become burdens on their wives and wouldn’t want any of her daughters married to one. And so far, she’s ensured it never happened under her watch with my sisters.

DBM: But a woman who is underemployed or lowly paid is still dateable and a marriage prospect, no?

Liam: Dave, as I said, I will not even marry women like my mother and two other sisters. They do not only prefer men who make more money, but they have to make significantly more before they can fall in love

DBM: How old is Thomas?

Liam: He is 34

DBM: You’re 34 yourself?

Liam: Yes. Will be 35 in September

DBM: How is Thomas doing?

Liam: He is the reason I reached out to you. He is fine. He was here days ago to inform me he is genuinely interested in my younger sister and fond of spending time with her. My sister always wanted it to be him; he knew this but was cautious because of my family. Now, he’s realized he is falling in love with her but does not want to confess his feelings for her yet, till he is sure of how my mother and sisters would take the news. He also mentioned a decision my sister has taken, to get pregnant with his baby out of wedlock before the year ends. He doesn’t know which is a good idea

DBM: Your mother and sisters may be looking at Thomas through a stereotypical lens, but again, that is them. Your sister is not obliged to buy into that. You all have your lived experiences with him. It should have nothing to do with who is right or wrong about him. It rather should be about seeing your options clearly when it comes to Thomas.

Liam: That’s exactly how I feel

DBM: Did he mention your sister in his future plans?

Liam: He wants to start a family with her. I know he is finding ways to include her in his future and also fit himself into hers. Can you post our chat on Facebook, so people can suggest ideas on their situation? I have asked him and my sister to follow your Facebook platform.

DBM: I will publish it on Wednesday.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Let’s Talk To Milk & Honey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 59: Milk & Honey

DBM: Hello Milk ‘n’ Honey. How would you describe yourself?

M&H: I am not the type that falls into the ruse that buying or having the next nice thing will give me the gratification I may be looking for in life. I am okay if people do not choose me to hang out with. I am okay if others have fun without me. I do not attribute my worth to my social presence. I eat healthy and nutritious meals, I drink a lot of water, my mental health is of utmost concern to me; I make sure I am feeling good inside and out, I hardly would take anything too personally or to heart to hurt my feelings. My daily routine is to strive to be better than I was the day before.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

M&H: 8.5 over 10, I think.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

M&H: I’ve had my fair share of being in ridiculous relationships, whereby I was prioritizing love over respect, trust and affection. My third relationship, actually was my wake-up-call to the fact that, being in love with a man should not be the reason for me to stay in a relationship with him. I tolerated certain behaviors in my past relationships that I shouldn’t have, and finally made the difficult decision not to force my heart to people who didn’t deserve my love. I decided to be a single mother if I weren’t dating or married to a solid guy by the age of 36.

DBM: How old are you today?

M&H: 36

DBM: I see

M&H: And I am eight months pregnant.

DBM: Oh, wow! You, did it?

M&H: I did.

DBM: Congratulations!

M&H: Thank you!

DBM: You’re in a relationship, I guess?

M&H: No!

DBM: Okay?

M&H: Five days before ovulation last year, I had sex with someone. I had already made plans with myself to have a baby, and so I decided to find the ‘perfect’ candidate to sleep with during my fertile window.

DBM: ‘Perfect candidate’ meaning?

M&H: He had to be intelligent, kind, courageous and creative.

DBM: Is this a random guy or you already knew him?

M&H: I know him. He’s a friend and colleague from work.

DBM: Is he single?

M&H: No, he’s married.

DBM: I see

M&H: There was and is nothing going on between us.

DBM: So, why did he agree to this?

M&H: He doesn’t know he is responsible for my pregnancy

DBM: But he knows he had unprotected sex with you, no?

M&H: I don’t know. But he knows we had sex that one time

DBM: Really?

M&H: We were slightly tipsy, I think

DBM: Were you drunk?

M&H: Not really, but he was.

DBM: You did not plan this with him, you also mentioned nothing ever going on between you two; how did you manage to get him to sleep with you?

M&H: As I said, he is my friend. I knew his hangouts with friends that weekend. I just happened to be there that evening while they partied.

DBM: Where did the sex happen?

M&H: In my car.

DBM: What was his reaction after the sex?

M&H: We’ve not talked about it.

DBM: He sees you pregnant though, no?

M&H: Yes. He’s congratulated me and is happy for me and the baby-daddy.

DBM: Which baby-daddy?

M&H: Everyone at work thinks I have a secret boyfriend.

DBM: Smh! Including him?

M&H: Especially him. I had to sell that storyline.

DBM: He’s buying it?

M&H: Not sure, because he’s started befriending my girlfriends and asking questions about my imaginary boyfriend.

DBM: Your girlfriends know about your plan?

M&H: Nobody knows.

DBM: So, you truly got pregnant after the action in your car with him?

M&H: Yes!

DBM: That was quick

M&H: I wasn’t sure I was ready to be a mother, even though I had planned the process to the last detail.

DBM: How did you feel when you found out you were expecting?

M&H: I was in shock. I sobbed for hours because I couldn’t believe it could happen to me. I am going to love this baby with all of my heart.

DBM: Are you going to involve the father at any point in time?

M&H: No! I am raising her all by myself.

DBM: It’s a girl?

M&H: Yes! I am having a princess, and she’s going to be the greatest blessing of my life.

DBM: Why don’t you want to involve the guy?

M&H: Dave, I have a mind of my own. I am financially stable and can take care of my needs and that of the baby’s. I am up for the challenge as a single mother, and do not need to depend on him. I take responsibility for my own actions and happiness. Most importantly; I do not think I need a man to feel complete.

DBM: Okay!

M&H: Also, I know he has a girlfriend. A man cheating on his wife is an evidence to me that, he will resort to the same behavior after giving him my attention. I am not settling for a flawed connection.

DBM: Understood. Why did you want to chat with me?

M&H: My pregnancy scenario may not be the best example, but I knew what my dream was. I knew what my life needed the most at this point in time. It was a plan I could achieve, though babies are a gift. I want to encourage anyone with a plan in mind or a dream, to follow through with the steps in pursuing their passions. You can turn your reality into something you believe can make you happy. We are never going to make everyone in our lives happy, no matter what we do or say. That is why we have to realize that, we are the only ones in our lives to understand our decisions and choices; our deepest fears and wishes. Only you know what’s in your best interest.

DBM: I concur.

Image Credits: A&C Photos

READY OR NOT?

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Good morning, Dave,

I have been a follower of your page and I like to read people’s stories and comment, but today, it is my turn for people to advise me. I have been with my lady close to seven years now and she is very hard working and I admire her a lot for that. She will do anything within her means just to make me happy. To her, I come first before anything else, and I am so grateful for that. We have been planning to get married for some time now but things are not going the way we planned, and it’s beginning to affect me personally. I can see it worries her as well but she sometimes tries to be strong for me, and rather comforts me. She believes things are going to be okay and that, I should trust in God.

I know she wants it badly because sometimes when she goes to her friends’ weddings, the way she talks about it, you know she really wishes it would get to her turn sooner than later. Sometimes too, when her mum is talking to her about marriage stuff, she would be indirectly giving her pressure to settle down. I work in Accra and we couldn’t recover from the post Covid-19 pandemics. I have placed application letters in some companies hoping they would call me. The organization I currently work with pays as and when; we can go three months without pay and even before one is paid, you would have borrowed money from others for them to be settled.

Throughout this time, I have been able to save some GHs 4000. Sometimes I dip into that savings just to take care of me, sometimes her needs and that of my mom, to the extent that, my savings had reduce to GHs 2000, and if I am not careful by the end of February, it would be finished.

My girl is a baker and a very good one. Her pastries taste so good and everybody loves it. She bakes the pastries and gives it out to people to sell. Most of them come for the products, and after selling, bringing the money becomes a problem. Stories here and there; people are owing her some money but at the end you get what they give you with excuses here and there. I sometimes take some to sell myself. At the end, whatever we get we use it on food, bills, her personal needs in addition to what I sometimes get, which is not enough for savings.

We are okay in terms of food and petty bills. Dave, my point is how do I get married, when we can’t save money towards that? She is not getting any younger; she will be 34 years in the next three-months and I will be 35 in the coming five-months. Should I let her go so she can find somebody with the means to marry her or should I still keep my faith in God that help will come one day? The truth is I don’t want to lose or let her go, but if that’s what I am supposed to do to make her happy, that’s a sacrifice I will be willing to take. I am so confused and this eating me up. I need help.

Image Credit: Max Vakhtbovych

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