Tag: Relationship

Let’s Talk To Israel

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 83: Israel is fine by me

DBM: Hi Israel. How would you describe yourself?

Israel: My friends say they can count on me at every turn. They also say I am good looking, funny and have a knack for making others feel good. I am a dreamer, goofy and a goal-chaser.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Israel: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Israel: I share a beautiful escapade with a friend that is arousing so many funny feelings in me. We weren’t supposed to fall in love but I find myself sharing even the slightest moments of my day-to-day with her. I am interested in her interests. It’s crazy to admit but I feel like a teenager again.

DBM: I am happy for you

Israel: Thanks, but not everyone in my camp is digging the idea. She is a single mother of two. I don’t have a child.

DBM: How old are you?

Israel: 35

DBM: How old is she?

Israel: 33

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Israel: Two years

DBM: How do you define the nature of your relationship?

Israel: Our agreement was to have really good sex. I care about her but we were not reliant on our affection. I did not feel answerable to her beyond friendship. It wasn’t frequent sex but it happened when it happened.

DBM: You get laid how many times in a week?

Israel: With her or in general?

DBM: With her

Israel: At least, twice a week

DBM: And in general?

Israel: Four or five times.

DBM: And, it was strictly sex?

Israel: That was the arrangement, and we made sure it wasn’t confused for something deeper. But it’s difficult now for me to get my head around it. I am literally fighting with my feelings and it’s stressing me out.

DBM: Warmth is a huge part of how men sometimes express love

Israel: She’s always on my mind

DBM: Because you want to keep the love alive

Israel: Do you think it’s love?

DBM: If I am consciously or unconsciously, staying in touch with an important part of me that craves physical contact, and I am that much into giving and receiving affection from this person who excites my point of view, then it’s definitely something worth looking into.

Israel: She’s introduced me to her children.

DBM: As her what?

Israel: Friend. Her children are very stubborn, but I like them

DBM: How old are they?

Israel: 11 and 9

DBM: Do you think her children are ready to see their mother with another man who isn’t their father?

Israel: They hug me when they see me. They talk to me on phone when I call their mother. I get along very well with them.

DBM: That’s good then

Israel: I have introduced her to my friends. They like her, as long as she doesn’t become my wife. But their opinions doesn’t count on this subject.

DBM: Smh!

Israel: I don’t know what she’s thinking. She has a busy life. Her job is demanding; mine too but she seems to believe the strictly sex hook-up and our friendship is what works best for her.

DBM: Meaning, you cannot tell whether or not she feels the same way towards you?

Israel: Yeah! She’s afraid of hurting the feelings of her children, so she stays single. They want their mother and father to be together.

DBM: Is she still interested in the guy?

Israel: No, but he wants to come back to her.

DBM: Have you dropped the L-bomb on her?

Israel: Not yet. I don’t know how to drop hints without being too forward.

DBM: What I know is, if I am developing genuine feelings for someone that I believe I care about, I would put it out there – for them to know exactly what is going on with me. Afterall, I have nothing to lose.

Israel: I care about this woman. I care about her children too.

DBM: Send her an admiration text.

Israel: Saying what precisely?

DBM: What’s her name?

Israel: Hannah

DBM: ‘Hannah, I think you are doing an incredible job with your kids. You just came to mind.’

Israel: I like it. Can I send it now?

DBM: If you want to. You stated earlier that your camp isn’t in agreement of her?

Israel: My friends think single-mothers come with a lot baggage. My mother will not be welcoming to the idea of a woman with two children. In fact, she’s been trying to convince me to date her friend’s daughter.

DBM: You may love Hannah to want to commit to her, but are you ready for a relationship like that?

Israel: Is anyone ever ready to jump into a serious relationship?

DBM: Well, one can always challenge themselves to become a man or woman worth loving, no?

Israel: I am worth loving

DBM: Question is, why Hannah?

Israel: Hannah, because I honestly cannot see myself finding anyone like her. I’ve lived a pretty adventurous life and I don’t want to lose the greatest thing that has ever happened to me by far.

DBM: Most of these single-mothers have a sense of fear when it comes to putting themselves out there, and basically, exposing their feelings with the hope of something positive in return.

Israel: I realized that about Hannah

DBM: I have a few friends like your woman, who open up to me about their lives, and so, I have a fair idea as to how they think and feel. These ladies often have been hurt or disappointed by their past relationships, thus, making them have a hard time trusting another man. Nonetheless, they say what’s on their minds as blunt as possible. They hardly would have the time to play any games with your mind. And I know they expect same from you.

Israel: It’s been good talking with you, Dave.

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Rhema

Let’s Talk To Phyllis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 57: I am Phyllis

DBM: Hello Phyllis. How would you describe yourself?

Phyllis: I am real, I am not fake; I am strong in my faith and firm in my beliefs.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Phyllis: I’ve dated my fiancé for five years and we were already talking marriage this year. I would admittedly have been the luckiest lady to have him as my man three weeks ago, if I hadn’t found out about what he had been up to.

DBM: What has he been up to?

Phyllis: Let me start from the beginning. When we met, he was struggling to find his feet. I had no problem with that because he is smart and a goal chaser. He’s the guy who would work hard when the crunch is on, and still get the result. He’s not been the type that needs someone to motivate him; he’s always encouraging himself. He is strong and resilient, except when he’s being a softie. We’re both trained in the same field and in many ways, I could see the buoyancy that allows me to rise above problems and adversity in him. That was the first connection I felt between us when he approached me at the filling station with his résumé.

DBM: How old is he?

Phyllis: 39

DBM: How old are you?

Phyllis: 36

DBM: Okay

Phyllis: I helped him to find his current job and he’s been doing exceptionally well. He is respected by his peers. He fell sick two years ago and had to undergo three different surgeries. I used part of my savings to help clear his bills. There was this big contract his firm needed to secure, and him being the team lead for that particular assignment didn’t know how to put a convincing presentation together. He knew this was my field, and so he asked for my help. It took me two weeks to put everything in the bid together. I coached him and his team during weekends at home to get them to familiarize themselves with my work. They won the contract for their firm and he got a deserving commission. I was expecting to get my cut from his over 32,000 United States Dollar commission but he did not bring me in on it. His four other teammates made 15,000 USD each, and they all gave me 5000 USD off their cut.

DBM: What was the agreement between you two?

Phyllis: There was no agreement or payment terms discussed. I was just helping a boyfriend to secure a job contract, which eventually, got him a promotion.

DBM: Okay! But has he paid the money you used in clearing his hospital bills?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: Is he expected to pay back?

Phyllis: As a rational human being, I would have made attempts to pay back if I were him. I think because I haven’t specifically asked for the money, he is thinking it’s a gift.

DBM: Is it a gift?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: I see

Phyllis: I needed to use his phone to make a quick phone call because mine was on low battery. He was asleep when I picked the phone. An unread message was on the screen, and it was coming from another woman, telling him she loves him too.

DBM: Meaning, he told her he loves her?

Phyllis: He did! A lot of their chats had been deleted, and so there was nothing to see. I saved her number on my phone and tried to send her MoMo to see the name registered to it. I knew her; my company had worked for her father’s company before. It was their company that awarded my boyfriend’s firm the huge contract.

DBM: The proposal you worked on?

Phyllis: Same one.

DBM: Are you friends with this other lady?

Phyllis: I am not, but I know her

DBM: Why do you think he is dating her?

Phyllis: I confronted him and he told me he is in love with the both of us, and that, I shouldn’t force him to choose.

DBM: What does he mean by ‘don’t force him to choose’?

Phyllis: Dave, I am trying not to involve too many emotions into evaluating his actions, but I realized somewhere along the line, after winning that contract, that he wasn’t putting enough effort to be there for me when I needed him. I was basically the only one going out of my way to make things work in the relationship.

DBM: Was he present to you?

Phyllis: I wouldn’t know, because it seemed like all the little and big things I was doing for him often went unseen and I felt like my presence was actually in the shadow of his selfishness.

DBM: When did he propose marriage to you?

Phyllis: After he recovered from his third surgery.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the type of man he is?

Phyllis: He is a good guy

DBM: Is this ‘good guy’ the right man for you to marry?

Phyllis: Dave, being single can be unbearable, and I don’t know if I am in the right frame of mind right now, but he feels wrong to marry though he is the right man for me.

DBM: Why does he ‘feel wrong’?

Phyllis: I thought we had a strong partnership built on trust. With the introduction of this other woman in his life, I feel like there is this crack in the foundation of what we share.

DBM: Getting married to an unfaithful man has no power to keep the relationship, or even you from experiencing feelings you’d likely rather not have to go through.

Phyllis: What do I do now?

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I would make time for me, so I could find ways to regain my sense of self.

Phyllis: What do I do with him at the meantime?

DBM: Avoid him as much as physically and electronically

Phyllis: But we live together

DBM: Whose house, is it?

Phyllis: Mine

DBM: You have your answer.

Phyllis: He’s the only man I’ve really loved

DBM: I can imagine but being in love is not enough to make a relationship a healthy one. Is what he is doing to you going to make you happy down the line – if he’s unable to stick to only you? You need time to process everything that has happened if you’re uncertain of being able to compromise rather too much.

Image Credit: Muhammadtaha Ibrahim

Let’s Talk To Apor Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 10 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 38: I am Apor

DBM: Hi Apor. Please tell me a little about yourself

Apor: I will be 41 this year; I am single, and do not take myself too seriously. I am confident about who I am and how I look; I do what I say and say what I mean. I am an Auditor by profession.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Apor: I have a date on the 18th of January.

DBM: Hehehehehe! That’s nice. First date?

Apor: Yes Sir

DBM: How do you feel about it?

Apor: I am excited and scared at the same time. It’s a bit nerve-wracking

DBM: You can never predict the outcome of these things

Apor: You see?

DBM: Why are you single?

Apor: I am single because in the past, I had been chasing just pretty faces, without checking for a kind heart. The other reason is, my work schedule is tight, and I don’t think I have prioritized my dating life seriously. I also find the thought of asking a woman out super scary and intimidating; I fear being hurt or taken for granted by a woman I may love.

DBM: Do you wish to be in a serious commitment someday?

Apor: Yes, Dave! I want a wife; I want to experience marriage, and I want children.

DBM: How did you meet?

Apor: At a funeral.

DBM: Oh boy! Lol!

Apor: She was stealing quick glances at me

DBM: How do you know?

Apor: Because she smiled wryly when we made eye contact

DBM: I see. Who made the first move?

Apor: She did. We were seated directly opposite each other at the funeral grounds. She walked to me the moment it was clear we had been staring at each other continuously. She took my phone, asked for my password and just put her number in it. She went back to her seat. I didn’t get to even talk to her at the funeral, because she left without saying goodbye.

DBM: You called her, no?

Apor: That was the second puzzle; I didn’t know her number and the name saved to it. So, I had to go through the contacts on my phone. She saved her name as, ‘You’re going to like me’.

DBM: Hehehehe! I like her already.

Apor: I know, right? She’s a mystery to me

DBM: You’ve spoken to her?

Apor: I have, and I think I like her. I see potential

DBM: That’s good to know. What are your expectations?

Apor: I want a secure, self-confident and strong woman who lives her life from a place of meaning and purpose.

DBM: Purpose in which sense?

Apor: Whatever means something to her, I am good to go with that. I am searching for a woman who is not waiting for me to come and complete her. I don’t think I will be attracted to a woman I have to rescue and build a life for her to come and enjoy.

DBM: What else?

Apor: Someone who speaks her mind when it comes to her needs and expectations. I am not good at navigating through people’s feelings to interpret what they’re saying.

DBM: Anymore?

Apor: Respect and admiration for who I am and not what I do for a living. I am not attracted to manipulation and lies; emotionally unstable women, drama and immaturity.

DBM: I see

Apor: And she has to know how to cook well

DBM: Why is that important?

Apor: It will keep me excited to be coming home every day to my wife’s home-cooked meals. I want to be proud of my wife’s cooking skills and brag about it. Also, friends and family will be coming to our house a lot, and I’d want them to know why she won her way to my heart. We will have children too; their mother should know how to cook.

DBM: What if she can’t cook but is great at taking care of you and making you feel loved and comfortable and happy?

Apor: Cooking for me is taking care of me.

DBM: But in this scenario, she can’t cook

Apor: That will be a big problem

DBM: Can you cook?

Apor: I can’t cook

DBM: Let’s assume she also can’t cook well, but can make the attempt to prepare something for the house – that may or not taste so great, may be a little undercooked or overcooked. Are you going to still eat it and thank her for trying?

Apor: That will be problematic for me, Dave.

DBM: A relationship with you should be about her being a good cook?

Apor: If we become parents, my children shouldn’t be relying on me to be caring for their diet?

DBM: You can employ a help for the house

Apor: I don’t like the idea of a house help

DBM: Then, you need to also learn how to cook in order to build the happy home you’re dreaming of.

Apor: Lol! Occasionally, I would try to mess things around in the kitchen but …

DBM: What if you genuinely get to like your date on Wednesday, but find out she’s choosing to pursue higher education and her career, while juggling personal life; are you still going to expect her to cook a full meal, all by herself after getting home by 6: 45 pm?

Apor: I can’t cook to save my life

DBM: But you’re doing okay all by yourself; meaning you can manage with the same strategy you’re working with, or simply learn how to cook alongside your wife.

Apor: I am very tired when I get home from work, that’s why I buy food from outside

DBM: A lot of women equally leave behind their mental and physical stress when they get home from work. You are no different from a career woman.

Apor: All the wives I know cook for their husbands and family

DBM: All the wives of other people will not be married to you. And it is outright cruelty to be expecting a woman working the same hours as you to be cooking all by herself at home, all in the name of being a woman, wife or mother.

Apor: Then I will have to keep searching till I find the lady who meets my standard

DBM: Women fall sick, for weeks, for months. Would you expect her to still cook?

Apor: My mother will help when such a time comes.

DBM: What if your mother is dead by then? Wouldn’t you want to also earn your wife’s love and respect by preparing her a scrumptious meal?

Apor: Let’s find out if this date knows how to cook first. We will cross the bridge when we reach it.

DBM: My only concern is that you are setting the bar too high for the perfect woman, that you may end up overlooking the right woman.

Apor: I know what I am looking for Dave, but it’s like I don’t know what could be good for me.

DBM: My recommendation would be, go on this date with the intention of looking for a match. You can find the one person who is right for you at any time.

Apor: Okay!

DBM: There is a lot that you can learn about a person on a first date.

Apor: True.

DBM: All the best to you on Wednesday. Please keep me updated. I would love to chat with you again after the date.

Apor: Dave … Dave Lol!

DBM: I will look forward to it. Lol!

Image Credit: K Makhasette

Let’s Talk To Gyaaba

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 26: Gyaaba

DBM: Hello Gyaaba. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Gyaaba: I am 39 years, very independent, organized and detailed; I love to multi-task and I show concern for other people’s feelings, and can connect with them on a personal level. I see myself to be strong, and can easily adapt. I am able to also persevere when obstacles come my way. I believe I belong to God, thus, my resilience and conviction to rather stand firm, come what may.

DBM: You look way younger than your age.

Gyaaba: I am told. Thank you!

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gyaaba: I currently live in Houston, but I used to live in Ghana. I used to be married. I ran away from my matrimonial home, five months after our wedding because I realized I had made a mistake – settling into something I did not want.

DBM: You didn’t want to be married?

Gyaaba: I like marriage, but I didn’t want to be married to a man.

DBM: Who did you want to be with?

Gyaaba: A woman.

DBM: You’re a lesbian?

Gyaaba: Yes Dave, I am Lez.

DBM: Hmmm! You know most people in Ghana are uncomfortable with this subject

Gyaaba: Is your readership centered in Ghana?

DBM: No!

Gyaaba: Then I deserve to share what has been my experience.

DBM: Lez go! How did you know you were attracted to the same sex?

Gyaaba: I don’t think I really knew. But in Senior High School, I used to like one of my best friends. I couldn’t stop staring at her anytime we were in class. I thought she looked pretty in everything she wore. Anything she did looked interesting to me. She wasn’t even funny but I thought she had a great sense of humor. I felt heartbroken however, when one of the guys in our class started to get close to her.

DBM: So, you had a crush on a girl, and that was it?

Gyaaba: I attended a mixed school, and in those days, the guys were obsessed with the girls, chasing each other down everywhere, writing themselves love letters, etc.

DBM: Yeah…

Gyaaba: I wanted to write a love letter to a girl.

DBM: I see

Gyaaba: At the university, I tried liking boys

DBM: And how did that go?

Gyaaba: Robert was my first boyfriend. He loved me but I couldn’t feel the same way he felt for me. We dated for three months, and in those months, I would have sex with women in my dreams.

DBM: Did the thought of Robert ever make you feel aroused?

Gyaaba: No!

DBM: Having sex with a woman in your dreams doesn’t necessarily make you a lesbian.

Gyaaba: That was when I started doing a self-reflection. I wanted to understand who I was and what I desired. Timothy asked me out in my third year, and before I knew, he had started to bond. I suddenly became busy with my studies and couldn’t make time for him.

DBM: Were you busy?

Gyaaba: I was trying to avoid him because he tried to kiss me one evening.

DBM: Did you kiss back?

Gyaaba: I was just pale when he planted the kiss on my lips.

DBM: What was the feeling like?

Gyaaba: Nothing I wanted to experience for the second time. I came up with an excuse of tiredness and left him to go sleep. I was disgusted by the idea of doing anything romantic with a guy.

DBM: When did you have your first sex?

Gyaaba: On my honeymoon

DBM: With a man?

Gyaaba: Yes. I was married. I think I am still married, because he’s refused to grant me a divorce after leaving him.

DBM: How long ago since you left?

Gyaaba: I left Ghana in 2011

DBM: This is the five months into your marriage scenario?

Gyaaba: Yes!

DBM: Why did you marry your husband?

Gyaaba: It was revealed to my Pastor that he was the man destined for me.

DBM: Did your Pastor know about your sexual orientation?

Gyaaba: His wife knew. I had confided in her three years prior to the hook-up. I don’t know if she discussed me with her husband.

DBM: Did you believe your husband was the man meant for you?

Gyaaba: I did not, but I went ahead in order for the prophesy to manifest.

DBM: How long did you and your husband date?

Gyaaba: Nine months, I think. We got engaged, and married four months after the engagement.

DBM: Did you enjoy getting to know him as a potential spouse?

Gyaaba: My husband is a great guy; tall, dark, handsome, and with a good job and deep pocket. He is authentic; what you see is what you get. Unfortunately, I realized the way he felt about me was totally different from the way I felt about him. I should have considered his feelings and not gone ahead with the marriage plans. I was not attracted to him.

DBM: When was the last time you spoke to him?

Gyaaba: 2013

DBM: What did you talk about?

Gyaaba: I wanted a divorce.

DBM: That was unfair on your part

Gyaaba: I know. That is why I want to come clean to him

DBM: Does he know why you left?

Gyaaba: I left to pursue a PhD programme. That was my initial excuse. But after the degree, I stayed in America.

DBM: Why did you stay?

Gyaaba: I found the close emotional bond I had been craving for

DBM: In a woman?

Gyaaba: Yes! Once I knew I enjoyed kissing and touching the breast of a woman while going down on her, I had to admit it to myself.

DBM: You’re a Lesbian.

Gyaaba: I am a lesbian!

DBM: How long have you been dating your lady?

Gyaaba: Seven and a half years

DBM: And she’s been the only one in your life?

Gyaaba: One and only

DBM: Who else knows?

Gyaaba: My Pastor’s wife was the only person I told in Ghana. I want to tell my husband the truth.

DBM: Why now?

Gyaaba: He deserves the truth. Secondly, my partner and I want to get married. I have to be divorced to accomplish this.

DBM: Do you know whether or not your husband was able to move on?

Gyaaba: He’s had two kids with someone in my absence. He has moved on.

DBM: Unfortunately, not everyone in Ghana is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. Is your husband a tolerable environment to come out to?

Gyaaba: I don’t know

DBM: Is he someone you can rely on?

Gyaaba: In which sense?

DBM: How you come out to someone really depends on the kind of relationship you have with them.

Gyaaba: We’ve not spoken in a long time, and our last conversation ended in a fight on the phone.

DBM: I see!

Gyaaba: I know that the moment I tell him this, he will laugh at, or insult me; he will tell his family, mine and friends.

DBM: It’s good you’ve come out to yourself first. I think that is the most important thing.

Gyaaba: I hope so

DBM: Do you love your lady?

Gyaaba: Dave, before I even met her, I dreamt of someone like her; and the dream was beautiful. When she showed up to me, I was least expecting this much happiness in my life. Now I know dreams do come true. I am very much in love and happy to be with her.

DBM: Does she love you as much?

Gyaaba: She loves me very much.

DBM: Then, know that you are loved, needed and valued; your feelings for true love are valid, just as anyone else’s – and that you deserve to be treated with respect. Assuming anyone attempts to make you feel guilty or bad about who you know you are, and whose you belong, just remind yourself of the one person in your life right now who desires to see you become the very best of you, and succeed in whatever beautiful present and future affirms you. Let this foresight make you feel so seen. All you need at the moment is an audience of ONE!

Gyaaba: I think I am going to call my husband right now.

DBM: All the very best.

Gyaaba: Thank you, Sir!

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

AFIA

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 3: Afia.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

AFIA: I’m a decorator and designer. I am jovial, hardworking, dedicated and a home maker.

DBM: How long have you been married?

AFIA: 11 years

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

AFIA: A born again Christian; he had to be slim, fair, average height, hardworking, jovial and romantic. My husband did not fit into my exact specifications. He has got the complexion and height all right; he is also hardworking but extremely selfish. My husband is nothing close to being romantic.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

AFIA: We were working in the same department in church and got connected just like that.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

AFIA: No!

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

AFIA: I make him laugh most of the time, because of my sarcastic/funny and jovial nature.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

AFIA: Hmmmmm! We were always together on phone or physically. He was sharing the little (gifts and IT knowledge) he had with me. He always wanted me to be on the same level with him. He was constantly talking about marriage and it came to a time, he asked, and I gave him the “yes” to his proposal.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

AFIA: No! His dressing has changed to how he was when we met; he pays less attention to his appearance and breath. He doesn’t care if he stays the whole day without bathing. A lot has gone back to how he was and I feel I forced him to change.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

AFIA: It depends, but nowadays I just listen to formulate an answer.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

AFIA: If not for the fact that he’s being controlled by his mom (because he’s an only son) I think he’d be doing well.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

AFIA: In sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. As for ‘till death’ only God knows.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

AFIA: When I’m singing and he’s playing the organ or guitar, or when we sleep or sit or taking our bath and we’re singing in harmony. At times, he sings tenor whiles I sing soprano, or he sings baritone when I take the tenor.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

AFIA: No! My love unfortunately is growing weaker by day and that’s draining.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

AFIA: Not anymore. The trust vanished the very day he allowed the mom and sister to chase me out of the house because I refused the mom to be serving him food daily; having a daily convo from 7pm to 11pm, stocking our fridge with her soups and stews, which they claim is specially made ‘with love’; bringing another lady for him to marry because we don’t have our own children (which is not my fault but his, and yet, I have decided to shield him)

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

AFIA: As much as he’s available physically and emotionally.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

AFIA: I don’t!

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

AFIA: I do not feel secure in my marriage.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

AFIA: May be apart.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

AFIA: I’m not really the sex type.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

AFIA: 1 out 10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

AFIA: Dedication, commitment to one another, sacrifice; being faithful to one another, service to one another and placing the significant other before every other thing or person.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

AFIA: No! And this started from the sixth month of our marriage.

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

AFIA: Yes, because he keeps saying it.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

AFIA: No! Not during dating or even in the marriage.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart.

AFIA: Dear husband of my youth, I have loved you with everything in me. I have accepted to be your wife even at your lowest state when you were not working and making any sensible money. I promised to share the little I have with you and I have been doing it till now. You know from day one that your mother doesn’t want me in your life because of my tribe. I guess you ignored her because you loved me. You know you are the cause of our inability to have kids up to now, yet you hid it from me until recently. Even that, I accepted everything in good faith. You don’t take care of me but I don’t complain. Your friends always tell you I’m a good wife and you laugh at it. I promised to stay with you even against the odds, and yet, you are not ready to stay because of your mom; as you keep saying it to the hearing of even our counsellors. I have been the one looking for solutions, both medically and spiritually. You choose to watch movies or Facebook whenever I’m having a midnight prayer for us, even though you are the problem. What hurts me most is that, you don’t seem to be moved. I have always told you that even an elastic band has its limit. I have reached that elastic limit and it may break soon.

Image Credit: Jan Koetsier

READY OR NOT?

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Good morning, Dave,

I have been a follower of your page and I like to read people’s stories and comment, but today, it is my turn for people to advise me. I have been with my lady close to seven years now and she is very hard working and I admire her a lot for that. She will do anything within her means just to make me happy. To her, I come first before anything else, and I am so grateful for that. We have been planning to get married for some time now but things are not going the way we planned, and it’s beginning to affect me personally. I can see it worries her as well but she sometimes tries to be strong for me, and rather comforts me. She believes things are going to be okay and that, I should trust in God.

I know she wants it badly because sometimes when she goes to her friends’ weddings, the way she talks about it, you know she really wishes it would get to her turn sooner than later. Sometimes too, when her mum is talking to her about marriage stuff, she would be indirectly giving her pressure to settle down. I work in Accra and we couldn’t recover from the post Covid-19 pandemics. I have placed application letters in some companies hoping they would call me. The organization I currently work with pays as and when; we can go three months without pay and even before one is paid, you would have borrowed money from others for them to be settled.

Throughout this time, I have been able to save some GHs 4000. Sometimes I dip into that savings just to take care of me, sometimes her needs and that of my mom, to the extent that, my savings had reduce to GHs 2000, and if I am not careful by the end of February, it would be finished.

My girl is a baker and a very good one. Her pastries taste so good and everybody loves it. She bakes the pastries and gives it out to people to sell. Most of them come for the products, and after selling, bringing the money becomes a problem. Stories here and there; people are owing her some money but at the end you get what they give you with excuses here and there. I sometimes take some to sell myself. At the end, whatever we get we use it on food, bills, her personal needs in addition to what I sometimes get, which is not enough for savings.

We are okay in terms of food and petty bills. Dave, my point is how do I get married, when we can’t save money towards that? She is not getting any younger; she will be 34 years in the next three-months and I will be 35 in the coming five-months. Should I let her go so she can find somebody with the means to marry her or should I still keep my faith in God that help will come one day? The truth is I don’t want to lose or let her go, but if that’s what I am supposed to do to make her happy, that’s a sacrifice I will be willing to take. I am so confused and this eating me up. I need help.

Image Credit: Max Vakhtbovych

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