Tag: Relationship

What Works For Us

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Agymah: My name is Agymah

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nice to meet you, sir. My name is David

Agymah: Hi Dave. I am a silent follower of your FB platform. I have been for years and I love how consistent you have been.

DBM: Thank you, sir.

Agymah: I have been married for 39 years, but we’ve been together for 42. I feel like I can stand on my experience with my wife to say that marriage is an easy agreement and establishment between people who value the friendship they share – and can get to hang out, have fun, deal with the realities of life and have sleepovers every single day.

DBM: Hehehe!

Agymah: True. Because I have chosen my wife to be my closest and best friend, we have managed to face the hard parts of our journey together.

DBM: In other words, marriage is easy?

Agymah: Marriage is easy, yes.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Agymah: I was expecting this question actually. David, when you CHOOSE to be so attracted to the man or woman – you’re doing life with, you will not find yourself constantly pursuing the other people you are attracted to.

DBM: So, does that make it a yes or a no?

Agymah: I have not cheated on my wife, no.

DBM: But you have found other people attractive, no?

Agymah: I have passed by and of course, seen other women that I thought looked beautiful. ‘Attractive’ is only reserved for my wife because of the thrill to it. Attraction has a desire in the shadows of its delight. That is why I would rather choose to act from my desire to bring into daylight – what I want to do to the woman I am attracted to, my wife.

DBM: Ha! Interesting.

Agymah: It’s a choice, Mr. David. And I think I have heard you say that quite a lot on your platform.

DBM: Yes

Agymah: But do you believe it’s a choice?

DBM: I believe it’s a choice.

Agymah: It’s a choice to cheat on your wife or husband. It’s unfortunate that many of us would rather look good on paper and pretend for people to love seeing us together than to actually be honest.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Agymah: We were arranged in marriage. It wasn’t forced. I wasn’t interested in settling down. My wife was a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and both of our mothers, who happened to be friends invited us home and talked us into the idea of marriage. We practically did nothing. Our mothers planned everything and all we had to do was show up on dates they had fixed.

DBM: Really?

Agymah: Yeah. The first time I had a one-on-one conversation alone with my wife was on our honeymoon. There is no guarantee in anything, Dave. Not even a love relationship/friendship before marriage. That is why I say it’s up to the two people involved to make the effort.

DBM: You mean to say, you didn’t go on dates, you didn’t talk on phone or visit each other before marriage to know yourselves?

Agymah: We did none of that. I built the friendship I have now with my wife in our marriage

DBM: Was she your type? Did you even have a type? Were you the type of guy she went out for

Agymah: I have always had a type. My wife was the opposite of my typical type, however, getting to know her a few months into our marriage changed my perception. I realized I was beginning to understand her unique qualities that made us a bit compatible. I was no longer interested in the selfish qualities I used to look for in a woman because that was what I wanted or was used to. This is what I think: having a type you go for is good but it should serve or act as a guide, rather than it being your final black and white checklist.

DBM: Let’s talk about sex

Agymah: What do you want to know about my sex life?

DBM: The first night with your wife, how was it like?

Agymah: It was nothing spectacular for me. I don’t know about my wife, but I thought of it as one of my usual hook-up pick-ups. The sex was pretty good actually. It was a new arrangement and it had its own awkward spark to it. We had talked for about an hour in our hotel room after the marriage ceremony, and I was beginning to like this part of her life without and outside of me – which made me want to get in on it. I paid attention to everything she was telling me about herself. I also realized that she felt comfortable telling me all about the crazy side of her life. She was into me and I was into her, and I think that woke things up in us a bit. The sexual attraction and tension started to build up from that point. And it created a certain amount of voltage between the sheets.

DBM: When did you realize you could fall in love with her?

Agymah: The morning I woke up after our first night together. I didn’t want her to leave, and I didn’t want to run. Which was shocking.

DBM: You knew?

Agymah: I just knew.

DBM: So, the sex made you know?

Agymah: No! It wasn’t the sex. It was our conversation before sex. We had the same life goals. Our values looked similar; our sense of humor and thinking aligned. We shared a lot of similar interests and could potentially see a good friendship between us. I was willing to put in the work.

DBM: Marriage is work then. It’s not easy

Agymah: David, working hard towards a goal isn’t a bad thing if it’s rewarding. My reward is getting to do life my wife.

DBM: Children?

Agymah: No, we don’t have kids.

DBM: Is it by choice?

Agymah: No. She had a medical condition where tissue that was similar to the lining of her womb was growing in other places outside her womb.

DBM: Oh, endometriosis. There is this twin lady on my Facebook dealing with same. I first heard about it from her.

Agymah: Ok.

DBM: Does it worry you to not be with child?

Agymah: Not at all. And I don’t think we have missed out on being parents. We have mentored and made impacts on a number of kids. It’s not the same but it feels the same to me. A trip down the aisle doesn’t mean the next thing to follow is a child. My wife and I live our lives the way we want it to be. We don’t care about what society is expecting a family to look like. I have no regrets marrying my wife. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Good for you!

Agymah: You can choose to be happy on your own terms. You don’t have to have a wife or husband in your life to experience that. You don’t need a child in your marriage to experience that. You choose to be your own individual man or woman and can be whole on the inside and outside of yourself. We need to get to know ourselves as we would anyone else, we may want to build a relationship with. Get to know and build a healthy relationship first, with yourself.

DBM: I am my own best friend.

Agymah: That’s the way to go about it. I am always telling myself I am worth knowing and deserving of my own attention. I am curious and intrigued about my own self and I tend to be so kind to myself and needs.

DBM: This was really good. Let’s do it again another time.

Agymah: My pleasure.

 

Image Credit: Kindel Media

100% To 50%

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, good morning. My husband talks a lot. And because he talks a lot, he lies a lot so that he doesn’t have to sit with himself and listen. He doesn’t realize this but he talks to distract himself from the quiet reality of what the real problem is. He is always trying to ‘fix’ me or other people’s problems but hates it when others do it to him. He did something that broke the jar of trust I used to pour in him. I tried to forgive but I couldn’t, and so I did something almost similar to what he had done and I guess he couldn’t stomach the feelings that my activities invoked within him.

Dave, do you guys for a second consider our feelings when you do shitty stuff in hiding and except us to shoulder the emotional weight of your unhealthy actions? Seriously, it got to a point in our marriage I had to tell myself to stop casting myself as the only human being who could make my husband happy. There are certain unrealistic expectations I refuse to look forward to in a man. It’s an incredible burden women ought not put on themselves. But that doesn’t mean we are a horrible couple.

My husband intentionally broke our bond and was expecting me to heal our wounded marriage. Make this make sense to me. When in reality his initial actions had nothing to do with me. I am not part of the stereotypes strongly crowning women to handle pain better than men. Dave, you guys should know that you have been dishing out hurt, disrespect, betrayals and all forms of abuse to women for centuries. You engage us and think you can do anything and get away with it? Isn’t it humbling even for you to picture the sorts of bullshit your gender is constantly, inflicting on women?

Ask a lot of the women on your platform. Many have become the punching bags of their inconsiderate husbands. They are living with so much frustration because these men are refusing to hear or listen to them when they complain about what they’re doing, or not doing, which is causing them enormous pain. Husbands who have become masters of all sorts of unbearable pain at their home; giving it – not taking it. And you know the annoying part? How you guys would twist the very pain you cause so we feel it’s our fault.

My happiness and peace of mind as a woman, and a wife is not my husband’s responsibility. But if you’re coming to me in the name of love, then your intention should be to contribute or add to my peace and not to disrupt it. Dave, no woman is perfect but the truth is that, if a woman is doing something and she realizes that it’s hurting her man, she would stop it as soon as she finds out. My husband, on the other hand needs a convincing reason to change and it needs to be more compelling than my unhappiness or misery. How wicked can a man be?

The way you speak to, and treat your wife reflects in how she behaves. I don’t know how the universe arranged it but that’s how it is. Your wife will take the form and shape that will reproduce you in ways you have probably never imagined. So, if you start from giving a 100% of you in the relationship, do not shortchange yourself later on to give a 50% because the excitement has faded on your part. Or you suddenly know what’s up because you have come into a little money. Listen, a God-fearing woman naturally is motivated to do what is right by you simply by understanding that her actions or inactions hurt you. If you continue to break her, you will have to learn the hard way – that you are married to a woman who just doesn’t care anymore if her actions hurt or offends you, so long as she gets what she wants. And, she will get what she wants.

Image Credit: Jaycee300s

Landing A Rich Man

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, how are you doing? So, I am going to try to be as honest as possible to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth; so, help me God. There came a time in my life that I had to reinvent myself with the sole aim of landing a rich man. I needed to be a rich man’s wife because I was sick and tired of being a bank teller. I felt like I also deserved to eat at top restaurants and drink the finest wines. I have been married for six years and my husband is filthy loaded. I targeted him because he has crazy money. Luckily for me, he is very attractive too.

I had been playing under the guise of just wanting a man who had his shit together but that wasn’t the whole truth. Though I wouldn’t consider myself to be shallow, I have a hunger for the finer things in life. I love life. I love money. I love to dress good. I love to smell good. I love jewelry. I love great shoes and bags. I want to co-own a beautiful house. I want to drive nice car. I want my children to have everything I never had. And I came to realize later on that, most rich men are willing to pay for someone extremely beautiful and nice to look at and also, fuck.

Love clearly isn’t the most important thing to me. I am a very beautiful woman and I know what the tradeoffs are when dealing with some of these guys with serious money and assets. What I found attractive about miŋɛ was the fact that his utterances weren’t the type that had to buy a fantasy of a better version of himself. He didn’t like talking about or flaunting his wealth. He was just like the everyday person and wasn’t doing or saying too much to make lesser folks feel jealous.

We bumped into each other at a mutual friend’s destination wedding and I could tell he was rich. He smelled rich. He looked simple and average but his demeanor was rich. I needed to test my assumption, and so, I walked towards him with a question, ‘Hello. My name is …. Can you give me an advice on money?’ He smiled with a confused look on his face but I wasn’t smiling back at him. I pretended to be serious and interested to learn. He gave a simple response, “Make sure the money coming in your bank account each month is way higher than the money going out.” I thanked him and politely walked away.
I didn’t speak with him again throughout the reception. When I got to my hotel that evening, there were lovely flowers and a card waiting for me, telling me how beautiful I looked and his willingness to want to teach me more about financial independence if I was still interested. The card had his phone number. I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to find information about me to locate me with beautiful flowers. We talked on phone so many times in a day for two months before asking me to marry him.

He made me understand he had been single because his main goal and focus was to make money. Due to that, he avoided ladies and had never seriously gotten involved in dating anyone. Now that his wealth is wealthing, he was ready to find true love. His proposal caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready to be proposed to. He told me how much he loved me and I had to tell him how calculating I was during the wedding reception. It was just his money and dick I was after and nothing else. I was expecting him to disrespect me, especially being from a lower class but no. He did not disregard or disrespect me for being poor and calculating. Instead, he offered me a dream to live in the present. Dave, sometimes, I wake up at dawn to pinch myself as reminder of how lucky I am in this life.

The day I walked down the aisle, we both knew I wasn’t marrying for love, and he was okay with that. He understood how much I cared for him as a person but was in love with his money. We built a happy relationship on his wealth for three years before I started falling in love with him naturally. The day I told him I believed I was falling in love with him was the first time I ever saw him cry. He told me he suspected I was falling in love with him because apparently, I had been flirting with him for months and was showing genuine signs of wanting to be with him.
Though I was contributing nothing to the table then, he still saw me as his equal.

Image Credit: Kebs-Visuals

Make An Offer

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, I have been married to Sefakor for 10 years. We talked about the possibility of a marriage when we were dating. I have to admit that there were times I doubted our relationship. There were times that I strongly felt like it could work. The marriage I have today, 10 years later looks very much different from the marriage I thought I was going to have with my wife when we were boyfriend-girlfriend. I was the fast and furious type. A fuckboy who could masquerade as a woman’s prince charming, develop strong connection and feelings, only for the flame to fizzle out after I had a bite or two.

Right from day 1 when we first met, she made me understand that she wasn’t going to subject herself to any kind of unhappy situationship with me. She wasn’t going to waste her time with a man who did not deem it fit to earn and keep her trust. Dave, this was Day 1, and I hadn’t even suggested anything to the tune of me liking her. The women I used to chase were the types I could tell something today, and then do something entirely different tomorrow, and would get away with it. Sefakor’s encounter with me the first day I laid eyes on her left me scratching my head in confusion.

I was so confused and found the whole conversation funny, I left her office to my car, sat in the car for about 20 minutes laughing at myself. The next thing I realized, I had gone back to her office to ask for her number. The player in me felt challenged to come up with an optimal strategy, a clever way not to date her but rather maximize the likelihood of satisfaction. At least I thought I had such a formula.

I called her the following evening, talked for about an hour on the phone and then asked her out on a date. Before agreeing to our first date she asked if I was also talking to other women. I lied initially but she demanded an honest answer. I told her ‘Yes’. She followed up with, “how many women”? And of course, I lied about the number. They were five in total but told her two. She asked if I had gone on any dates with the ladies and I affirmed.  It was our first date. Although I knew she was incredibly gorgeous from our encounter in her office, this was going to be my first time of looking at her from a lustful appetite point of view.

There she came into the restaurant, slim, tall curvaceous. I nodded towards my direction and she joined me at the table. The moment she sat down she laid all her cards on the table. She wanted me to treat our first date as a job interview. Since I had mentioned, I was talking to two other women, she was presenting herself as the third candidate being interviewed to be my personal secretary. She actually made me imagine our date as a job interview. Her conditions were, at the end of our date/interview, I should have made a decision whether or not to give her the job. If I could not make a decision I could stand by with my full chest, then there wasn’t going to be any further conversations between us.

I thought it was an unfair pressure but she had a point. I wasn’t committed to any of the other women by that time I was on the date/interview with my sixth candidate. We spent close to four hours talking and getting to know each other. When we were done with the interview-date, I had to make an offer or move on. Dave, do you believe in love at first sight? It’s crazy mehn! That night, I knew I had so much respect for Sefakor. Even the way I talked to her with respect, I wanted to handle her so carefully. These past 10 years, my wife allowed me to be who I was and allowed me to grow for myself. She did not force growth and change on me. My sixth candidate was the last candidate I ever interviewed. I offered the job to her because my plan was to date for the fun of it but Sefakor met me with so much substance.

Image Credit: Terrillo Walls

Let’s Talk To Knox

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 126: I’m Knox

DBM: Hi Knox. How would you describe yourself?

Knox: I’m easy to talk to and may have the magic effect to make people like me

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Knox: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Knox: A woman I’m in a relationship with wants me to be vulnerable with her so she can inspire me to come into the realization that, her love for me can make me want to become a better version of myself. I don’t think I will ever be the perfect man for any woman. I trust myself to make more mistakes; I’m certain I’d be giving in to more and more of my weaknesses, however, I am a man who wants to do better.

DBM: What version of you is she in love with at the moment?

Knox: The raw me

DBM: Describe the raw you?

Knox: Witty, attractive, charming but still guarded; the ladies’ man. I’m fire with a thrill

DBM: You love her?

Knox: I think I am falling for her. The feelings I have for her are strong

DBM: Explain the ‘ladies’ man’ bit

Knox: I’m able to talk a woman’s panties off

DBM: So, in other words, you’re a player?

Knox: I don’t think I am. She’s managed to pin me down somewhat

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Knox: Nine months

DBM: At what point in your schedule do you usually feel like you love her?

Knox: When I’m horny or lonely, or bored

DBM: Smh!

Knox: Why are you shaking your head?

DBM: Describe sex with her

Knox: Dave, I’ve gotten to know this lady for some time now, and I think we have a relationship that is growing based on the amount of time, care and commitment we’ve decided to put into it. Sex with her means something to me, probably because there are a lot of feelings involved on my part. The energy is kinda, different. I can’t even explain it, but it’s something I enjoy. Getting her off gets me off. I don’t think of my pleasure when I’m making love to her. My focus is always on giving her pleasure.

DBM: I like the sound of that

Knox: I’m afraid to admit it but falling in love scares me.

DBM: Why?

Knox: I don’t know. One minute I’m spending time with her, and the next, I’m suddenly distant.

DBM: Are you comfortable with the idea of being in a long-term relationship with just one person?

Knox: My fear is committing to her and then later realizing she isn’t my soul mate.

DBM: What kind of dream do you have for your future?

Knox: Wife, children, happy home, comfortable living, happy me

DBM: And it’s achievable, no?

Knox: Maybe, maybe not.

DBM: Has she come into contact with the real you that makes you stand out and not blend in?

Knox: Dave, I’m not all that good o

DBM: But there is an element of good to some extent to you, no?

Knox: I guess

DBM: What are you really afraid of?

Knox: My last serious relationship left me hanging

DBM: In what sense?

Knox: She chose someone else over me

DBM: How long did you date?

Knox: I thought we were in a relationship but later found out she was only weighing her options to choose from. We were together for three years; she weighed me for three years and I didn’t make the cut. I didn’t see it coming.

DBM: So, you feel like the past trauma is still coloring your idea of what a relationship could potentially be for you today?

Knox: I’m just trying to avoid an unexpected disappointment

DBM: Even though your current girlfriend is nothing like your past?

Knox: Better to be safe than sorry

DBM: Not surprised though! Many of us would rather be sensitive to what could be going wrong than focusing on what is actually going right for us in the now.

Knox: I can’t help it

DBM: What is the one good thing about your girlfriend that comes to mind?

Knox: She gives me the opportunity to protect her heart, and also, provide for her

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Knox: She’s an orthodontist

DBM: How about you?

Knox: A computer network architect

DBM: How did you meet?

Knox: She fixed some irregularities in my teeth and jaws, and I was pleased with how meticulous she was. My teethes are straightened because she created a corrective treatment plan precisely for my needs.

DBM: How did you end up dating?

Knox: I think I managed to explode the heat between her legs with just a feeling conversation, without even touching her. I left her craving for me

DBM: Which, ultimately was your intention, no?

Knox: Abi you know dada

DBM: Do you find yourself so caught up in the needs and wants of your woman to the extent of tossing your own needs and wants to the side?

Knox: Not with this lady

DBM: Meaning she’s a good catch?

Knox: She is. That’s why I like her

DBM: Do you deserve her?

Knox: I’m getting what I want

DBM: Great, but are you also getting what you deserve?

Knox: Yes. She’s the most beautiful person that I’ve ever experienced in my life.

DBM: That was all I wanted to know

Knox: I don’t know if what I’m offering her is all that she deserves

DBM: When it comes to my heart and its feelings, I usually do not want to be loved by many people. I’m very comfortable and content with someone in my life who gets me. That one person who has seen my worst a dozen times but still loves the me inside of me when my worst pops up. Someone who thinks of me and would smile and shake their head for no reason. Someone who delights in looking out for me; accepts me for all that I am, brings out the very best in me and most importantly, challenge me to be the very best of me that I could possibly be.

Knox: She does that for me

DBM: Then you need to be that kind of person for her too, can you?

Knox: I can

DBM: You will be fine

Knox: I hope so

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Knox: Are you a counselor?

DBM: I am not. Participant 125, Nanyamka, left a question for you: ‘If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?’

Knox: Oh, that’s simple; FUCK THE HELL OFF!!!

DBM: Hmmm!

Knox: What?

DBM: You don’t look like the type of guy to be using this kind of language

Knox: I don’t look like what I’ve been through

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Knox: I like this segment. Here is my question: What is the most important thing I should know about you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ekaterina Bolovtsova

Let’s Talk To Lizy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 114: Lizy

DBM: Hello Lizy. How would you describe yourself?

Lizy: I like to think of myself as an emotionally strong and independent person. My friends and family tell me I’m smart and kind. Nothing comes between me and a goal I set for myself. If I want something, I go for it. I do my best to be self-reliable. Hence, it’s difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. When I love, I go all in, which sometimes blinds my rationality, but hey, we are all human, and we are bound to make mistakes.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lizy: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Lizy: My fiancé and I are preparing to get married. However, we are at a road block. His religious doctrines do not align with mine. He’s neither ready to compromise or find a middle ground. He wants me to join him in his church or, better still, continue going to my church. I’ve visited his church a couple of times, and I know within me that that’s not the lifestyle I want for myself. I would want us to have unity of purpose in all aspects of our lives. I’m ready to let him go, but he will have none of it. I feel I’m wasting my time with him but he thinks otherwise. I’m lost.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Lizy: Since 2015

DBM: So, basically your concerns are about the differences in religious doctrines?

Lizy: There are others but this is the straw breaking my back. He’s not kind towards me. I’ve observed that with his mother too. He’s always concerned about the future. Not that I don’t but I’m of the opinion that I must be alive first in order to enjoy the future. Because of this, he thinks I waste money, which is not the case. I work hard for my money, so the least I can do for myself is to be comfortable.

DBM: Do you see yourselves coping in a compatible way based on, maybe, similar values?

Lizy: Dave, I don’t want to cope in my marriage. At least it didn’t turn out well for my mother. Interestingly, most of his values are directly linked to the doctrines he practices in church. I see a lot of disagreements in my future marriage and I wouldn’t want to go in knowing this.

DBM: Has he the capacity to be kind to you – if you’re to predict a future with him?

Lizy: He’s more than capable of being kind to me. At first, I was demonstrating it to him, but it was not being reciprocated, so recently, I’ve stopped. We’ve discussed it. I made him aware that kindness is one of my love languages but in his defense, he claims I’m not yet his wife and so he has no responsibilities towards me. I understand that. However, knowing the person I’m dealing with, it’s not going to change in marriage. I believe that if you love someone, you show it. He’ll only do things for you out of convenience and if he has something to gain.

DBM: I see. So, this table you both find yourselves seated by, is love being served?

Lizy: From his angle, he thinks he’s loving me the best way he could. From my end, I think he’s doing the barest minimum to keep me around.

DBM: Has he the desire to give you what you need, i.e.: his consistent presence, respect, genuine concern and maybe, the foundation of something real and meaningful outside of sex?

Lizy: The truth is, we are cohabiting at the moment (I have the means to rent my own place though- currently putting plans in place to move out). The desire is not there. He thinks I’m ungrateful and don’t appreciate what he does for me. Although we are in the same space, he’s mostly unavailable to me (not physically) unless he needs my help with something.

DBM: What did you find attractive about him to want to be in a relationship with him?

Lizy: From start, his sense of self assurance and control (he seems to have it all together). After a couple of years, I fell in love and I held on to it. I held on to the hope that things will get better for us. But as we grew together, he seems to develop different priorities. My mistake was and still is hoping against all odds. I don’t know how to move on after being with someone for this long. After my high school sweetheart- childish love, he’s the only man I’ve known.

DBM: What time is it now for you? Is it the period you feel that your future happiness depends on a fresh start, or just giving him the benefit of the doubt?

Lizy: I feel I need a fresh start. Giving benefits of the doubt is what has gotten me here. But the question I keep asking is where and how am I starting?

DBM: Can you describe what a happy relationship looks like for you?

Lizy: A relationship that I’m at liberty to be my authentic self and express my exact feelings without being judged or gaslighted. One that there’s mutual respect and support for each other’s life goals. A relationship where I’m viewed as a partner and not a competition. A relationship that will challenge me to be progressively better, one that will make me wake in the morning and be thankful that someone has got my back.

DBM: In a balanced relationship, what are you not willing to compromise?

Lizy: My sanity, happiness and true self.

DBM: What is it like to be you right now?

Lizy: In an ideal situation or in reality? Because in reality, being in my shoes right now means having to bottle up a lot of your feelings because you don’t want to be told it’s all up in your head. Being me means taking care of everyone else except yourself. Being me right now means being constantly tired emotionally and physically because you are trying your best to meet the expectations of you while also finding a way to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself, which brings you meaning. Finally, being me in reality means you are at a breaking point where you feel empty because this is not the life you wish for yourself; nothing makes meaning anymore.

DBM: Hmmm! Do you believe you are each other’s soul mate?

Lizy: I don’t believe there’s something like that. I believe no one is indispensable.

DBM: Is your fiancé your biggest advocate?

Lizy: For my life decisions?

DBM: All inclusive: your general well-being, etc.

Lizy: No. After myself, my sister is my biggest advocate. Verbal advocacy, yes. Advocacy in deed, no.

DBM:  Oh wow! So, how often would you say the two of you laugh together?

Lizy: Our laughing is inconsistent. This week, we are laughing together and then next week, we are angry at each other – more of silent treatment.

DBM: Are you content with the level of intimacy that you share with him?

Lizy: Physical? Yes. Other aspects such as emotional, no.

DBM: What would be a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you ever overlooked one in your current relationship?

Lizy: Cheating. So far, we’ve not had any issues regarding it.

DBM: My last question is, do you see yourself having an affair in the future – if you’re to marry your fiancé?

Lizy: Nope. However, I will mostly be unhappy.

DBM: I get it. Hmmm! Thank you for engaging me.

Lizy: You are welcome. Thank you too for making the time.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Okaile

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 100: Okaile

DBM: Hello Okaile. How would you describe yourself?

Okaile: 🙆🏽‍

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Okaile: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Okaile: My husband’s boss has asked me out, and he says my husband gave him my phone number and the go-ahead to approach me. My husband did not deny it when I confronted him. All he said was, his pending promotion depends on it, and he wants me to do something I have never done for him.

DBM: Did he state exactly what he wants you to do – which you have never done for him?

Okaile: Yes! He wants me to have one-time romantic affair with his boss

DBM: In other words, sleep with his boss?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Okaile: Nine years

DBM: Kids?

Okaile: Yes, we have a son.

DBM: How old is your son?

Okaile: He is six years

DBM: Why do you think your husband is bold enough to request such from you?

Okaile: David, I am shocked. He thinks it would be a fun experience for me – since he is the only man I have known intimately, for the past 10 years.

DBM: Do you find the request funny?

Okaile: Absolutely not!

DBM: Are you the only woman your husband has known sexually, since you married?

Okaile: I don’t know, but I hope yes

DBM: Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?

Okaile: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Okaile: He was begging me to consider doing it for his sake

DBM: Your husband?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: Have you spoken up about your frustration?

Okaile: I told him I will not do it

DBM: And?

Okaile: He says he desperately needs this promotion because it’s everything he’s wanted. I am disappointed in my husband. I feel very angry right now

DBM: Bottling up all these feelings will only make the bitterness boil

Okaile: When I tell him no, he keeps begging me to consider

DBM: What’s your deepest fear?

Okaile: That he will use it against me someday

DBM: Or leave you

Okaile: Exactly!

DBM: Do not experiment anything thrown at you, simply because it would make your husband’s dream come true

Okaile: I think I caused it

DBM: How is that?

Okaile: I have been the one always telling my husband that he can count on me through thick and thin. Dave, I deeply care about his needs, and I have been constantly there for him any time he’s needed me.

DBM: And this was the best test he could throw your way?

Okaile: He recently bought me a new car. I am just finding out it actually was a gift given to me by his boss. They had talked about me months ago, and had discussed what could pull me in the challenge. A cheque of £5,000 was also presented to me

DBM: Why is his boss interested in you?

Okaile: I know him

DBM: Prior to your husband working for him?

Okaile: Yes!

DBM: How do you know him?

Okaile: We used to date

DBM: Before you met your husband?

Okaile: Yes

DBM: Why didn’t the relationship work out?

Okaile: He was married

DBM: Is he single now?

Okaile: No! He is still married

DBM: Does your husband know about your past with him?

Okaile: I don’t think so. After ending things with him, I made sure we didn’t remain friends

DBM: How long was this?

Okaile: 14 years ago. Now that my husband has given my number to him, he’s been messaging me frequently.

DBM: Your best bet would be having a one-on-one conversation with your ex.

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: Why can’t you?

Okaile: I wouldn’t be able to draw any boundaries if I am to meet with him

DBM: Do you have any trust in your marriage to your husband?

Okaile: I do

DBM: So, what’s the problem then?

Okaile: I don’t trust myself

DBM: You have not gotten over him?

Okaile: I thought I did. The spark might rekindle looking at how I am feeling right now

DBM: Awww! Poor you!

Okaile: I feel so bad

DBM: Did you love him?

Okaile: With all of my heart

DBM: Sometimes eh, our connections with certain exes can be as special as however long it takes to heal

Okaile: I don’t think I healed from that break-up

DBM: Didn’t it ever occur to you when your husband applied for a job with him?

Okaile: I didn’t know he was the owner of that company. Our relationship was a one-way street. I never asked questions or bothered to know more about him. We broke up because I found out he had a wife. And, he was my first boyfriend.

DBM: You need to tell your husband. He is currently your most important focus

Okaile: I can’t

DBM: This is something that has gone on in your life that you should be able to easily tell your husband, if he’s able to pitch his boss to you

Okaile: You will not understand

DBM: Help me understand

Okaile: My ex is the first man I ever loved. I told my husband about him; I just didn’t put a name to the description. If I become his friend again, it will quickly turn to romance. Our emotions will be stirred all over again, and the romance I thought I put away will begin to take form and shape. Those strong feelings I had for him will rear its ugly head; and the one-time escapade for my husband’s sake will turn to other secret meetings. I will start lying to my husband because of an affair.  That old flame wasn’t properly laid down.

DBM: But you’ve carried new fire for nine years, no?

Okaile: The old never died

DBM: You need to tell your husband, if the thought of his suggestion already is making you develop hidden feelings for your ex. Your husband wasn’t uncomfortable about the idea of you sleeping with his boss. Tell him, even if this disclosure will make you feel embarrassed.

Image Credit: Beingthetraveller

Let’s Talk To Coffie

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 99: Coffie

DBM: Hi Coffie. How would you describe yourself?

Coffie: I try not to cross the line of being inappropriate. I’m a gentleman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Coffie: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Coffie: I smoke cannabis every day before going to bed, because it relaxes my nerves. I cannot do without dope, also because it puts me in the mood for sex. I love sex; every woman I have been with orgasms satisfactorily because the weed increases my sex drive. Pot alters my sexual libido to do more rounds of sex when I am high. Even though my girlfriend testifies to the amplified pleasurable sensations that arises in her when I am high on marijuana, she doesn’t like the fact that I smoke weed. She wants me to quit smoking; something I don’t think I can do.

DBM: How old are you?

Coffie: 39

DBM: And, for how long have you been smoking weed?

Coffie: Since I was in SSS 2. A few of my friends were into it, and I became curious and later wanted to experiment. Initially, it was just for the fun of it but I got to realize it was a stress reliever. I could manage my emotions and moods, cope with depression and anxiety; it helped me feel good, forgetting all of my worries. I could sleep better, analyze situations from a higher perspective and it takes away boredom

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Coffie: I am a Petroleum Engineer

DBM: How long have you and your woman been an item?

Coffie: Two years

DBM: She’s known you to be smoking all this while?

Coffie: Yes. I was actually blowing off steam in my car the first time she walked up to me

DBM: Why does she wants you to stop?

Coffie: I usually keep my smoking habits discrete and can carry on through my daily activities without smelling like dope. Her family invited us to dinner, and I think the smell of the weed smoke had clinged on my skin and shirt. Her dad and brothers got the hint and they weren’t in favor of our relationship before I could even introduce myself to them.

DBM: I hate the smell of weed. I would not have liked you either

Coffie: But Dave, my favorite flower has different aromas. Do you know about that?

DBM: I don’t!

Coffie: It depends on the strain; however, I will not dispute the fact that, some can be dramatically strong

DBM: How much weed had you smoked prior to the family dinner?

Coffie: Just two rolls, nothing major

DBM: I see

Coffie: My girlfriend wants me to either stop smoking or lose her

DBM: That’s easy, no?

Coffie: Easy how?

DBM: You’re going to stop smoking because you love her

Coffie: I love her, but I don’t want to feel pressured by a woman who is using my love for her to make an uncomfortable decision that does not align with my desires and beliefs.

DBM: You think she’s trying to control you by making such a request?

Coffie: She’s already been denying me sex, because I’m still smoking. I find her recent attitude towards me to be manipulative. Boss, I don’t treat her bad, I don’t chase after other women when I am in a relationship. I am aroused when I am high and my woman is the only person I think about. Why is she threatening to leave me because I won’t stop smoking?

DBM: Why do you love her?

Coffie: She’s sincere, and I love waking up next to her every morning. I want her in my future because she has an awesome body and enormous arse; we’ve made good memories and I get amazed when she doesn’t know how beautiful she is. She’s very gentle and kind, smart and sometimes, humorous. Her car is always messy and would argue with me if I try to clean it. I love those little arguments with her. A few things about her that I admire; her smile, laughter, energy, enthusiasm. She’s my close to flawless.

DBM: Did she give her reasons as to why she doesn’t want you to be smoking weed anymore?

Coffie: No! And I don’t want to carry any resentment towards her due to this disagreement

DBM: Prior to the family dinner, was she okay with your smoking habit?

Coffie: No, but she wasn’t making an issue out of it. She understood this was me. Now, I am stuck with what to do.

DBM: Do you see yourself giving up smoking any time soon?

Coffie: Dave, if I did not give it up as a teenager to stay in parents’ house, what makes you think I would now? I don’t do alcohol. I don’t do tobacco. I don’t chase women. Why should I give up the one thing that keeps me on my toes to work hard for my money?

DBM: You will choose weed over the love of your life?

Coffie: My simple rule in life is that, if a woman can ask me to choose between something I enjoy and her, then she’s already making the choice easier for me. Because I will never put someone I care about in that position of choosing

DBM: Is smoking it the only way you can take it?

Coffie: No, but smoking it is my favorite. I vape it sometimes. When I am at work, I eat or just drink the grass.

DBM: Don’t you think part of her concerns could be, marijuana being addictive and harmful to your health?

Coffie: It does not affect me in a bad way. I am fine

DBM: You are certain it does not affect productivity at work?

Coffie: I don’t get high at work. My body is accustomed to the amount I take at work. The effects wear off in seconds. I am always sober during working hours

DBM: Hmmm!

Coffie: Dave, I know what I want in life. I know what I want to do with my life. I know the name of the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know my final destination ahead of time; that is why I am making the choices I make and taking these little, necessary steps to get me there. People who may not understand me may see my choices to be bad, but my ‘bad’ choices are also bringing me to the right places and people.

DBM: Does your girlfriend follow my Facebook platform?

Coffie: I don’t know

DBM: This is what I can suggest, I will let you have the last word to tell her something. When I publish our chat on my blog, I will send you the link so you send it to her to read. Cool?

Coffie: That is also a good idea

DBM: You have the last word

Coffie: Matilda, have a little faith and trust in our process. It’s just you and me in this, remember? Just as I allow you to be yourself in the relationship, can you allow me to be myself too? I don’t feel comfortable changing who I am to fit into your family’s ideals of who the right man for you should be. You are fervently religious and I am not, yet we’ve always found a common ground to be happy. We’ve both made sacrifices because we truly love what we have and like each other very much. I don’t think we are too different to allow whatever is causing this friction between us to eat away our faith in love. I love you, and I want to be able to express this feeling without being judged. Please allow me to be my true self around you and let’s have an interesting relationship. I am available tonight to discuss your expectations and boundaries, and any other ways we feel we can be of support to one another. I don’t want our differences to cause any more issues in the relationship.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Akorfa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 91: Akorfa De Sweetest

DBM: Hi Akorfa. How would you describe yourself?

Akorfa: I am a woman with drive, energy and determination. I am friendly, intelligent and educated. I am grounded and secure in myself. I can be relied upon. I am a lawyer

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Akorfa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Akorfa: I am in a really good relationship with my man. He loves me to the extent that, there would be moments in my daily activities that makes me stop, reflect, smile, shake my head and realize how much he means to me. He has a silly way of laughing when I tickle him. The look in his eyes when he kisses me in bed with a smile on his face; my boyfriend is there for me all the time. A whole new world opened for me when I listened to his advice to apply to Law School. When I wasn’t sure I could get in, I received an offer to attend law school. I was not prepared for what that pursuit could throw at me, but he was; he was the first man to make me think of my time in school as a job. And he helped me to put in the hours till I was called to the bar. He hasn’t stopped loving me that way till date. I don’t know if you get the picture?

DBM: Crystal

Akorfa: But he doesn’t believe in marriage

DBM: Do you believe in marriage?

Akorfa: I do

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Akorfa: Six and a half years oooh

DBM: What profession is he into?

Akorfa: He is an Actuary

DBM: How old are you?

Akorfa: 32

DBM: How old is he?

Akorfa: 37

DBM: Do you know why he doesn’t believe in marriage?

Akorfa: He says it’s just a status signed on a piece of paper. His parents divorced when he was 14. His sister recently divorced. He doesn’t see anything special about getting married.

DBM: Tying the knot can become a frightening proposition for people whose parents divorced

Akorfa: I don’t think my guy is scared of marriage. He just doesn’t want to do it

DBM: From his actions and everything else, do you see him to be the type that would be willing to at least, consider marrying you down the road?

Akorfa: No! Even though he’s willing for us to grow together as a couple

DBM: ‘Grow together’ as in, have kids, live together, etc.?

Akorfa: Yes!

DBM: Why is it important for you to do the whole ring thing?

Akorfa: Marriage is a life-long commitment to me. It’s a love-something that I can trust to be there for me, and never leave nor forsake me. It is through marriage that I will be convinced I have a life partner in my beau, a teammate. I want to have a strong family with children through marriage.

DBM: And, you’ve shared these reasons with him, no?

Akorfa: I have, but he still doesn’t see himself getting married.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Akorfa: I can’t force him

DBM: No, you can’t! Attempting to directly or indirectly force him to change his stance on the subject can be a recipe for your relationship’s failure.

Akorfa: I know

DBM: Then you also know that you can genuinely, be in a healthy relationship with someone who adores you for you, even though he may never want to settle down in a marriage?

Akorfa: I know, but marriage is important to me

DBM: And an option for him. Question is, how do you both come to a consensus to respect each other’s opinions and desires?

Akorfa: I don’t know. I don’t want to live with a man and raise our kids outside of marriage

DBM: I am guessing you two are having sex?

Akorfa: We are

DBM: And, he’s that much into you?

Akorfa: He is, very much.

DBM: Think of his decision from this angle, he is in love with, and committed to you. He does almost all the things expected to be done to have a meaningful and strong relationship. You’ve given him everything inside and out of you without the commitment of a marriage. What something new is there to be discovered about you? Why should he need rings and a certificate to prove his love for you?

Akorfa: I understand all that, but marriage is not just about rings and a piece of paper; it’s about our families coming together, asking for my hand and gaining the trust and blessings from my family.

DBM: But you will agree you have made it way easier and also placed him in a comfortable lead, not to be married to you?

Akorfa: Maybe, maybe not

DBM: Are you certain you are the woman for him?

Akorfa: I am, Dave. His heartbeat.

DBM: Is he truly the man for you? Because if he were, he would have known what is important to you

Akorfa: I don’t know anyone else out there like him

DBM: How many out there have you dated?

Akorfa: A few. That’s why I know a good man is hard to find these days. I am not ready to go searching for a man all over again

DBM: How do you feel right now in the relationship?

Akorfa: Happy and stuck with anxiety

DBM: Generally, I would feel stuck in a moment when I suddenly begin to assume I should be something else that I clearly am not. You’re thinking your relationship status ought to be different than what it is, even though he makes you happy. He does not want to be married. Can you breathe a deep sigh of relief while focusing on the now instead?

Akorfa: How about WHAT I WANT?

DBM: You have done what you can with what you have. Go easy on yourself and let things be

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Freja

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 87: Freja

DBM: Hi Freja. How would you describe yourself?

Freja: I will describe myself as… a lover of long baths and showers. And if the water is slightly hot, I wouldn’t mind staying under it for as long as possible.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Freja: I could be 5 or 6 today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Freja: I feel like I am grief-stricken because the man I want to be with has been imprisoned, and the pain of loneliness is killing me every day. It doesn’t seem to go away. I can’t stop myself from counting the days until his release.

DBM: How many days to his release?

Freja: 1461

DBM: That’s like what, four years?

Freja: Yeah!

DBM: What is he in for?

Freja: Misappropriating company funds. But he is innocent.

DBM: How much money did he embezzle?

Freja: He was falsely accused by his employer

DBM: How long has he served thus far in incarceration?

Freja: A year

DBM: How old is he?

Freja: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Freja: 34

DBM: And, how long have you two been together?

Freja: We had done three years before prison. I am constantly being reminded of his absence in my life and it’s so difficult for me.

DBM: What do you miss about him?

Freja: I miss how he is always himself and comfortable being a man around me. I miss his wisdom, kindness, his confidence and haughtiness. He hardly would blame situations and circumstances. I miss his sense of humor, I miss how he can quench my thirst in bed, with all the passion and warmth. I miss his love for me in action.

DBM: He sounds like a good heart

Freja: He is a good man

DBM: How often do you get to see/visit him in prison?

Freja: Once or twice a month

DBM: And, how is he doing?

Freja: He’s fine but it’s not the same. He is so far away from me that, everything we used to do together and loved, is now on hold. Each day that passes gets harder.

DBM: Does he feel the same when you visit him?

Freja: I should think so. He doesn’t talk about it. The energy I expect to receive from him is not what is shared. I’ve been very depressed, to be honest.

DBM: He’s also dealing with a lot. Prison is an uncomfortable environment he’s found himself in.

Freja: The other disturbing issue is that, one of the prison officers whom I have befriended, and have been persuading with money to take good care of my boyfriend told me on my last visit, my boyfriend’s other girlfriend has been bringing him food and other stuff. Initially, I thought she was one of his sisters but the name he showed me wasn’t his family. And the capacity in which she visits is his girlfriend.

DBM: Does this surprise you?

Freja: Very much. I thought I was his only girl.

DBM: Did you confront your man?

Freja: I did. He denied

DBM: So, you let it go?

Freja: No! I told him the source of the information, and also, mentioned the name of the woman

DBM: Why do you think he felt the need to lie to you instead of telling the truth?

Freja: I don’t know

DBM: If a man lies about a small thing, he will also lie about something way bigger

Freja: I have decided not to visit him again

DBM: You told him that?

Freja: No! But I made the decision when I got home

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Freja: I am very angry, and I feel betrayed. I am completely heartbroken, and doubt if I can ever trust him again.

DBM: It is rather unfortunate but the truth is, a lot of the time, men cheat and try to hide it for as long as possible to prevent you from feeling this way about them

Freja: It’s not fair

DBM: I know. Everything happens for a reason. If he hadn’t been locked up, you probably would never have found out.

Freja: I still love him

DBM: I can imagine

Freja: I am not sure about the next step to take from here

DBM: You will discover more about the woman that you are with time, and come into the understanding of what you want for you. If there are any changes worth making to enable you keep up with all that is happening around and within you, you would.

Freja: Do you think he’s going to choose me after he is released?

DBM: I think women ought to find their own strengths to decide on when to let go, and then, do it.

Freja: But I can’t get him out of my mind like that. We have a history

DBM: What really is your fear?

Freja: All the men I dated and loved in the past left me for other girls, even when my feelings for them hadn’t changed. What if I don’t find a man who will love me?

DBM: Do you reside in your past?

Freja: My past is part of my life’s story

DBM: But, do you live there?

Freja: No!

DBM: Exactly! What others did to you then isn’t what every man would do to you in the future.

Freja: I thought my current guy was my future. Look at what’s happening

DBM: What he did does not explain the actions of all men. Holding on to these memories that clearly hurt your feelings means allowing them, consciously or unconsciously to become a part of what you believe about yourself. Do you really think you are not good enough for someone who is good enough for you?

Freja: I am good enough

DBM: There was a time it was raining heavily at Spintex, while on the phone with a friend who lives in Tema. He asked if it was raining where I was because he could hear downpour, and I said, ‘yes. Why, it’s not raining at your end?’ His response was, ‘no! the sun is still shining’. It does not rain everywhere. Do not let that foolish narrative work against you.

Freja: I feel trapped by my emotions. It’s all over the place

DBM: A man’s behavior and character is something you cannot control. Holding on to things you hate about him only causes you a great deal of suffering and unhappiness. It can stress you to the extent of keeping you from living and growing into your very best self and light. Do not be attached to what you do not like. Your happiness in life does not come from love and sex and men. True happiness comes from the knowledge of not suffering anymore.

Freja: Freedom

DBM: Freedom!

Image Credit: Yaroslav Shuraev

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems