Tag: Relationship

Yesterday When I Was Young

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Imani: Mr. David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please!

Imani: I’m a big fan of how you do Facebook.

DBM: I appreciate you!

Imani: I am 36 years old. I’ve been in a relationship with my guy for 5 years. I am sure about him and our relationship so far. He is the realest guy I know; I don’t feel invisible in his eyes. He understands me. It’s rare to have had a guy like him loving me because I have never found someone who sees me like he does. He believes I am the prettiest woman in his eyes and worthy of his love. Everything I’ve prayed for in a husband is him but he doesn’t believe in marriage. He’s told me he’s never going to get married to anyone. I want to get married.

DBM: Have you asked why he’s not interested in marriage?

Imani: He told me his parents were miserable in their marriage and his mother had to endure being unhappy with his dad because she was solely at the mercy of on his financial support. He has also seen the marriages of some of his friends and their parents end in divorce. He doesn’t see the need to spend so much money on a single day’s event. I have also heard him make jokes with friends about not involving the laws of the nation in his relationships because it’s an indirect way of handing a woman with a chainsaw to ruin his life with.

DBM: What do you want for your love life in order to feel settled and secure?

Imani: I want marriage. I want more

DBM: If you want more than just co-habiting with a man, you would have to be intentional on making space for more.

Imani: But I don’t want to lose him, Dave. My past relationships have all been bitter. This is the only bittersweet relationship I have stayed the longest and felt seen and accepted. In him, I feel seen, honestly. He sees me when I’m in doubt. He sees me when I am lost in my insecurities.

DBM: If a man accepts you, he accepts all of you. A part of who you are desires marriage and he’s unwilling to acknowledge that. That is not total acceptance of you. A man ought to feel excited, I mean, really happy or at least, feel at ease with the mere thought of marrying you to prove to himself that marriage is the right decision for him. Does he feel all these when he’s around you?

Imani: I think he feels it. He’s just not sure if it’s the right step to take. My pastor was suggesting to me to invite him to church one day and surprise him with a public proposal.

DBM: As in, you proposing to him?

Imani: Yes.

DBM: Are you built for that?

Imani: I can actually do it. He’s the type that would not publicly embarrass me.

DBM: Do not be the woman to pressure an unwilling man to say ‘yes’ to a marriage proposal just to please you. If I’m understanding the kind of man, you’ve thus far presented to me, it will be very easy for him to accept your proposal in the moment to avoid any form of public awkwardness. I disagree with your pastor. The guy can easily say ‘yes’ to play along, knowing very well he’s specifically told you marriage is not his thing; and then end the relationship outright later in private. Who loses at the end of the day?

Imani: How can a man care about a woman like he does with me and not see himself taking that step with me? Everyone close to us keep asking me when we would be tying the knot.

DBM: Let the man be. Allow him to live his life the way he wants and on his own terms.

Imani: What about my own terms?

DBM: You can find it elsewhere. There are a dozen single men looking to settle down with the women of their dreams. Also, marriage isn’t really for everyone.

Imani: Marriage is for me.

DBM: Yes, but there is also more to his life than just becoming your husband.

Imani: Dave, you are married, anaa?

DBM: Yes, and marriage is a partnership. Partners ought to be on the same page. Trust me, you would want to be with a man who would love you the way you want to be loved. A man who, you wouldn’t have to say or expect your desires met and he’s already done it just to make you happy, because it makes him happy to see you happy.

Imani: I don’t think I’m ready to join the single pool again. Those waters are cold with deprivation.

DBM: Tell me a little about yourself

Imani: I am a licensed professional. I design high-end residential and commercial buildings, and other structures.

DBM: An architect?

Imani: Yes

DBM: What else makes you stand out and not blend in?

Imani: I do everything with valor. I’m a risktaker, I work hard, and I try not to crumble when things go wrong. I am determined, resilient and have a calm confidence to move one day at a time. I keep my thoughts clear at all times and wouldn’t stay silent when my voice needs to be heard. I love deeply

DBM: Marriage isn’t the ultimate goal of life. You can be unmarried and still consider yourself worthy, simply because of your accomplishments.

Imani: Good men are hard to find these days

DBM: I know! And the right and better man for you wouldn’t opt to stay on the fence when it comes to what is important to you. The man you’re currently with is not going to marry you, if marriage truly is what you want. Make the best decision for yourself.

Imani: What do you think a woman can do to make a man do her wish?

DBM: What you can do is not to settle for a man’s bullshit. You have been having sex with a man you claim loves you for five years – and still waiting on him to ask you to marry him. Who is to blame here? Even married men of today operate with the mentality that they’ve got to have a lot of freedom in their marriages. Most men want more than enough rope to hang themselves. They want the freedom and independence to come and go as they please – and do what they want when they want. Men want to go out, get laid, and not have to answer to anybody. And, these are even the married ones, so imagine your current situation and the rope your willingness to accept his conditions gives him.

Imani: Now, that’s tough. I will think about it.

DBM: Marriage to the right partner is a beautiful experience. Commitment to the right partner outside of marriage can equally be great. Being unmarried or single is not a bad thing, at least, not in my eyes. It’s not a curse or a problem that needs to be fixed at all cost. It’s not an experience to be ashamed of. It’s just where you are in life, and life happens to all of us. Do not be defined by it. You do not owe anyone an explanation. Be comfortable loving who you are. Marriage will happen when it happens at the right time. But assuming it does not, make peace with it. Everything happens for a reason. Just because you don’t have a husband or children doesn’t mean you’re incomplete.

Imani: Thank you David Bondze-Mbir. No one has ever spoken to me this way before.

Image Credit: Picha Stock

Whims And Caprices Not My Boss?

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Njeri: David, I’d like to hear your thoughts on a viral video of a dad telling his daughter to succumb to her husband’s whims and caprices because he is her boss. My husband seems to be extremely excited about it, and he’s doing the most to draw my attention to it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Is your husband a billionaire?

Njeri: Lol! Nope

DBM: Is your husband a millionaire?

Njeri: Nope

DBM: Does your husband have $500,000 in his account?

Njeri: Nope

DBM: So, he’s drawing your attention to exactly what?

Njeri: Do I even know?

DBM: A lot of men on these streets are not suitable for marriage. Especially those who delight in boasting and making large claims but knowingly lack the level of substance to back the statements they so much uphold and, or are excited about. Ladies, do NOT marry a man because you think he looks good, or has a good job or a little bit of money. Learn how to screen for maturity in men.

Njeri: You are clearly describing my husband. Sometimes, I really feel he’s unintelligent and would jump on anything that sounds logical to his egotistical attitude.

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Njeri: I thought I was in love. Also, he’s kinda cute to look at in the face and have in your arm for a social function. He has a little money coming in, so that was also a plus. I don’t have any other reason.

DBM: Love is not just a feeling. Love is a decision; it’s action. Love requires intention, effort and investment. Do not expect to reap the rewards of a relationship/marriage without putting anything in yourself.

Njeri: That’s a fact

DBM: If you’re a single man or woman, you can only do a little. Having a solid partner in marriage can be that boost two individuals need to accomplish so much. I do not believe a husband is a partner’s ‘boss’ in a marriage. Also, I do not subscribe to the ideology of anyone succumbing to anyone’s whims and caprices in a marriage.

Njeri: Why do you say that?

DBM: To succumb to a man who is not disciplined or have enough self-control means to accept any form of irrational or unpredictable desires he comes up with one day. A man vows today to forego all others in pursuit of you in your marriage, but then wakes up the next day to proclaim he now subscribes to polygamy. To succumb to such a man means to accept his sudden desires without question. A man can wake up today and tell you he’s no longer that much into you, and you have to submit to his proclamations without reason. A man talks to you anyhow, treats you anyhow and you have to yield to it because it’s part of his whims and caprices you’re to submit to – which ultimately, works against your well-being. What happens to what you deserve and expect as his partner/wife? Are your opinions not worth hearing?

Njeri: Good point

DBM: What do you want from your husband?

Njeri: I want partnership where I can learn how to fall in love with him and be able to share the deep love, I know I can give; I want us to effectively communicate and also have great sexual and emotional intimacy, which I know he so much desires.

DBM: Exactly! You have your own wants and needs. If a husband is going to be a boss at home, he has to inspire you – as his teammate to perform better, be retained better, make you happy – to the extent that you choose to do everything better. A good boss changes you for the better. He is supposed to see more in you than you can ever see in yourself. And, he should be willing to come to your level to want to help you learn to see it too. A decent partner or boss will not throw you under the bus without a second thought. They pull you from the path of the coming bus before you’re even in danger.

Njeri: I agree to that

DBM: A good boss will not lie to you to cover up his deeds. They certainly will not make false promises to you on your wedding day, only to go back on their vows later on. A decent boss knows that you have emotions and will not be afraid to express his own to you. A good boss will never act as if he’s above you.

Njeri: Dave, I think that’s all I needed to hear. Thank you

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Raw Emotions

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kuntwaa: The kind of future I imagined with my husband by my side, the kind of helpmate and support he was to me and our daughter; the fact that he was the second source of income in our little equation called family. The fact that he was that other parent I dreamed of raising a child with; my best friend in the world, died; leaving me and our little angel all by ourselves whiles he hovers somewhere over the rainbow, alone, probably feeling vulnerable and lost. Dave, doing marriage for six years with my late husband was one of my greatest accomplishments. So, for it to be just over like that without giving me enough time to experience the ‘in sickness and in health’, ‘for better and for worse’ aspects of our vows really hurt.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): There are no words. I am terribly sorry about that.

Kuntwaa: Yeah

DBM: How long has it been since he died?

Kuntwaa: Three years

DBM: How is your daughter doing?

Kuntwaa: She’s fine

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Kuntwaa: I thought I was. Because I wasn’t fully living for a year and a half after his death, I dated briefly and fell in love with an emotionally generous man. He was alone and in a quiet phase in his own life after his divorce. We both seemed to be walking broken and empty on these streets. That practically how we met. He offered to take me out on a date and we bonded from there. It has been interesting and fun knowing him and being known by him. He introduced me to his two kids, he met my daughter and she loved him. Dave, he welcomed me into his world and managed to make me feel loved and wanted. He made me laugh and I finally thought I had it all over again.

DBM: What happened?

Kuntwaa: He reunited with his ex-wife

DBM: Oh my!

Kuntwaa: His children loved me but they preferred their father and mother rather being together.

DBM: Ha!

Kuntwaa: I contacted you because my daughter keeps asking me why Uncle Dodoo left, because she misses him. They used to talk on the phone every day. She feels every man she’s come to love has left her.

DBM: How did you introduce Uncle Dodoo to her?

Kuntwaa: I told her he was my ‘special friend’.

DBM: Were you sleeping over at his end?

Kuntwaa: Yes, sometimes with my daughter. He slept over at mine a couple of times too.

DBM: Just use the dynamics in friendship to explain things to her. Some friends are meant to stay with us for the long haul, while others just come in and go. She needs to understand that, it’s okay to sometimes miss someone we care about.

Kuntwaa: But she keeps asking a lot of questions

DBM: You need to as much as possible be truthful with your answers to her questions

Kuntwaa: Truthful to what extent?

DBM: You need to explain your feelings about the whole breakup to your daughter. When I was a child, I had all these big emotions. I could feel what my mother was feeling. I felt hurt when she was hurt. I was happy when she was happy about something. You need to help her to understand the complexities of her own feelings. She’s feeling a whole lot of things and it’s your responsibility as a parent, to help her make sense out of what’s going on inside and outside of her.

Kuntwaa: It’s not that simple

DBM: Why is that?

Kuntwaa: He still wants us to be, while he works things out with his wife

DBM: Wait! Was he officially divorced?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: I see. What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I was very much attracted to him. I feel like he was honest with me in our relationship. He was capable of providing for me. I make a good living for myself but it’s sweet to also have a successful man who cares about me and my daughter, and was treating us with respect and love. He promised to provide me the life I’ve always dreamed of. My relationship with him was already on that path that I was enjoying living in.

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I just answered that

DBM: Is he dating his ex-wife?

Kuntwaa: No! His family presented drinks to her family again.

DBM: So, he’s married?

Kuntwaa: I think so.

DBM: And he wants what he had with you on the side?

Kuntwaa: Yes

DBM: What do you want for you?

Kuntwaa: I want a man of my own

DBM: I don’t know how best to say this in the right context for you to understand. I am telling you this not because I am a man, but because I understand men. I know men probably in ways you may never know. So, believe me when I tell you that – you need a man who is available to only you, so he would have more than enough time to sweep you off your feet with his genuineness, out of your own dreamed reality, and place you gently into his own ideal of a reality with you in it. That is a man you can confidently lay your love on. That is a man you can decide to want to trust wholeheartedly. That is a man you can depend on. That is a man who will never consider choosing another person over you.

Kuntwaa: Ok

DBM: Your feelings for him are valid, and I respect that. Question is, is he worth the risk of your feelings and that of your daughter’s being taken for granted? Because someone who leaves you for another person, yet still wants to be with you – does not respect you that much. Do not dedicate your time and attention to someone whose actions, deliberately eats away the little emotions you have left in you to give.

Kuntwaa: I don’t want to be alone, Dave

DBM: I don’t think I have anything else to say to you for now.

Kuntwaa: Ok. It was nice talking to you.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Still A Virgin

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

Veliane: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi

Veliane: Are you free?

DBM: For now, yeah! How are you?

Veliane: I’m great. Yourself?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Veliane: What’s your take on virginity?

DBM: You’re a virgin?

Veliane: I am

DBM: How old are you?

Veliane: 39

DBM: Oh nice! Congratulations!

Veliane: Lol

DBM: I’m serious.

Veliane: It doesn’t feel like a great feat to attain

DBM: What makes you say that?

Veliane: I’m still single. Lol!

DBM: And, that’s also okay

Veliane: Ok, while my biological clock ticks by the day?

DBM: Would you rather be having sex with people you’re not really sure about?

Veliane: I’ve been sure about a couple of guys I’ve dated in the past. Not giving in to their desire to be intimate with me broke us up.

DBM: You mind me asking why you’re holding on to your virginity?

Veliane: I want to experience sex only in marriage.

DBM: And, do you tell these guys your reason when they demand for sex?

Veliane: Yes

DBM: Do you feel pressured to have sex when in a serious relationship?

Veliane: All the time.

DBM: It’s a good thing to strongly understand your own desires. You should be proud of the fact that you have chosen to be true to yourself and not give in to the unnecessary pressures just to blend in.

Veliane: So, what really is your take on virginity?

DBM: I don’t think a woman’s value should be tied to her sexual innocence or lack thereof. Your body is your own and no one should have ownership over it except for you. Similarly, your body should not be controlled or delimited – as if it were a societal commodity.

Veliane: I agree with you.

DBM: If you feel like preserving it for the right person, preserve it for the right person.

Veliane: Since you’re a man, can you explain why men make a big deal out of sex when they’re in a relationship with us?

DBM: First off, it’s not every man that would make a big deal out of sex. I love sex when I want to have sex, but I am not crazy about sex. And then there are the others that only find that sense of peace and homecoming when a woman they’re attracted to, takes them all in – into her body. Men want to be wanted. Men want to be seen. Men want to be touched. Men want to be held. Men want their hearts and souls to be safe in your hands. Sex to a man is that safe space where he can trust your environment enough to take refuge in. We glory in that opening to find relaxation inside of you. Sex with a willing partner feels like we are intentionally being cared for. And that, we sometimes interpret as love.

Veliane: Can a man also feel loved in a relationship without sex?

DBM: In a relationship, sure; in marriage, I don’t think so. It takes a lot of courage, time and maturity for a man to want to settle down with you in a marriage. If he can be that vulnerable to want to choose you to be that partner, he is willing to do the rest of his life with, then you should be open to accepting and receiving all of his vulnerabilities. Sex with you is one of those.

Veliane: Some of my friends who are married discuss in our group pages that their husbands don’t give them orgasm. What if I marry or have sex and I don’t get to experience that ultimate satisfaction?

DBM: I think orgasms are cool but should it be the main reason why we have sex? No! I’d rather focus on experiencing that feel of trust and safety in a partner I am intimate with. That should be more satisfying, I think. If I am safe with someone, I am pleased. If I feel like I can trust someone, my heart will be at peace.

Veliane: Is sex outside of marriage a sin?

DBM: Sex is a choice you make, whether in marriage or outside of it. If you’re not engaging in sex because of your faith, then continue to choose GOD over sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if you’re willing to experience sex, then be willing to lose that faith you have held so dear to your heart your entire life. Religion should not make you feel damaged or broken, if you choose not to remain a virgin until marriage. Your worth as a woman, is so much more than just a hymen.

Veliane: How do I make a man understand and not feel rejected when I refuse them sex in a relationship?

DBM: You do not owe any man who is not married to you, sex or even fidelity. You choose to want to honor them in both ways. You need to first believe in that, and others would. When you value what you stand for, they ought to tag along if they have an iota of respect for you. Because they’d listen and hear your no and its reasons, and would have to appreciate your boundaries. A man who genuinely, is that much into you would value your opinions about sex. He would know that you respect yourself enough to not want to tolerate anything less than you deserve. If he is deserving of you, he wouldn’t suggest or do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable in the relationship. What you will and will not accept should be that clear to him, right from the onset. You need to feel whole, with or without the approval of men.

Veliane: Sometimes, I get very sad when they go silent on me because of that.

DBM: When a man suddenly doesn’t think you’re worth pursuing anymore, it doesn’t matter; because you know you are worth pursuing, regardless.

Veliane: Dave, are you a counselor?

DBM: I am not. I am just passionate about certain things.

Veliane: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

What Works For Us

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Agymah: My name is Agymah

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nice to meet you, sir. My name is David

Agymah: Hi Dave. I am a silent follower of your FB platform. I have been for years and I love how consistent you have been.

DBM: Thank you, sir.

Agymah: I have been married for 39 years, but we’ve been together for 42. I feel like I can stand on my experience with my wife to say that marriage is an easy agreement and establishment between people who value the friendship they share – and can get to hang out, have fun, deal with the realities of life and have sleepovers every single day.

DBM: Hehehe!

Agymah: True. Because I have chosen my wife to be my closest and best friend, we have managed to face the hard parts of our journey together.

DBM: In other words, marriage is easy?

Agymah: Marriage is easy, yes.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Agymah: I was expecting this question actually. David, when you CHOOSE to be so attracted to the man or woman – you’re doing life with, you will not find yourself constantly pursuing the other people you are attracted to.

DBM: So, does that make it a yes or a no?

Agymah: I have not cheated on my wife, no.

DBM: But you have found other people attractive, no?

Agymah: I have passed by and of course, seen other women that I thought looked beautiful. ‘Attractive’ is only reserved for my wife because of the thrill to it. Attraction has a desire in the shadows of its delight. That is why I would rather choose to act from my desire to bring into daylight – what I want to do to the woman I am attracted to, my wife.

DBM: Ha! Interesting.

Agymah: It’s a choice, Mr. David. And I think I have heard you say that quite a lot on your platform.

DBM: Yes

Agymah: But do you believe it’s a choice?

DBM: I believe it’s a choice.

Agymah: It’s a choice to cheat on your wife or husband. It’s unfortunate that many of us would rather look good on paper and pretend for people to love seeing us together than to actually be honest.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Agymah: We were arranged in marriage. It wasn’t forced. I wasn’t interested in settling down. My wife was a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and both of our mothers, who happened to be friends invited us home and talked us into the idea of marriage. We practically did nothing. Our mothers planned everything and all we had to do was show up on dates they had fixed.

DBM: Really?

Agymah: Yeah. The first time I had a one-on-one conversation alone with my wife was on our honeymoon. There is no guarantee in anything, Dave. Not even a love relationship/friendship before marriage. That is why I say it’s up to the two people involved to make the effort.

DBM: You mean to say, you didn’t go on dates, you didn’t talk on phone or visit each other before marriage to know yourselves?

Agymah: We did none of that. I built the friendship I have now with my wife in our marriage

DBM: Was she your type? Did you even have a type? Were you the type of guy she went out for

Agymah: I have always had a type. My wife was the opposite of my typical type, however, getting to know her a few months into our marriage changed my perception. I realized I was beginning to understand her unique qualities that made us a bit compatible. I was no longer interested in the selfish qualities I used to look for in a woman because that was what I wanted or was used to. This is what I think: having a type you go for is good but it should serve or act as a guide, rather than it being your final black and white checklist.

DBM: Let’s talk about sex

Agymah: What do you want to know about my sex life?

DBM: The first night with your wife, how was it like?

Agymah: It was nothing spectacular for me. I don’t know about my wife, but I thought of it as one of my usual hook-up pick-ups. The sex was pretty good actually. It was a new arrangement and it had its own awkward spark to it. We had talked for about an hour in our hotel room after the marriage ceremony, and I was beginning to like this part of her life without and outside of me – which made me want to get in on it. I paid attention to everything she was telling me about herself. I also realized that she felt comfortable telling me all about the crazy side of her life. She was into me and I was into her, and I think that woke things up in us a bit. The sexual attraction and tension started to build up from that point. And it created a certain amount of voltage between the sheets.

DBM: When did you realize you could fall in love with her?

Agymah: The morning I woke up after our first night together. I didn’t want her to leave, and I didn’t want to run. Which was shocking.

DBM: You knew?

Agymah: I just knew.

DBM: So, the sex made you know?

Agymah: No! It wasn’t the sex. It was our conversation before sex. We had the same life goals. Our values looked similar; our sense of humor and thinking aligned. We shared a lot of similar interests and could potentially see a good friendship between us. I was willing to put in the work.

DBM: Marriage is work then. It’s not easy

Agymah: David, working hard towards a goal isn’t a bad thing if it’s rewarding. My reward is getting to do life my wife.

DBM: Children?

Agymah: No, we don’t have kids.

DBM: Is it by choice?

Agymah: No. She had a medical condition where tissue that was similar to the lining of her womb was growing in other places outside her womb.

DBM: Oh, endometriosis. There is this twin lady on my Facebook dealing with same. I first heard about it from her.

Agymah: Ok.

DBM: Does it worry you to not be with child?

Agymah: Not at all. And I don’t think we have missed out on being parents. We have mentored and made impacts on a number of kids. It’s not the same but it feels the same to me. A trip down the aisle doesn’t mean the next thing to follow is a child. My wife and I live our lives the way we want it to be. We don’t care about what society is expecting a family to look like. I have no regrets marrying my wife. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Good for you!

Agymah: You can choose to be happy on your own terms. You don’t have to have a wife or husband in your life to experience that. You don’t need a child in your marriage to experience that. You choose to be your own individual man or woman and can be whole on the inside and outside of yourself. We need to get to know ourselves as we would anyone else, we may want to build a relationship with. Get to know and build a healthy relationship first, with yourself.

DBM: I am my own best friend.

Agymah: That’s the way to go about it. I am always telling myself I am worth knowing and deserving of my own attention. I am curious and intrigued about my own self and I tend to be so kind to myself and needs.

DBM: This was really good. Let’s do it again another time.

Agymah: My pleasure.

 

Image Credit: Kindel Media

100% To 50%

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, good morning. My husband talks a lot. And because he talks a lot, he lies a lot so that he doesn’t have to sit with himself and listen. He doesn’t realize this but he talks to distract himself from the quiet reality of what the real problem is. He is always trying to ‘fix’ me or other people’s problems but hates it when others do it to him. He did something that broke the jar of trust I used to pour in him. I tried to forgive but I couldn’t, and so I did something almost similar to what he had done and I guess he couldn’t stomach the feelings that my activities invoked within him.

Dave, do you guys for a second consider our feelings when you do shitty stuff in hiding and except us to shoulder the emotional weight of your unhealthy actions? Seriously, it got to a point in our marriage I had to tell myself to stop casting myself as the only human being who could make my husband happy. There are certain unrealistic expectations I refuse to look forward to in a man. It’s an incredible burden women ought not put on themselves. But that doesn’t mean we are a horrible couple.

My husband intentionally broke our bond and was expecting me to heal our wounded marriage. Make this make sense to me. When in reality his initial actions had nothing to do with me. I am not part of the stereotypes strongly crowning women to handle pain better than men. Dave, you guys should know that you have been dishing out hurt, disrespect, betrayals and all forms of abuse to women for centuries. You engage us and think you can do anything and get away with it? Isn’t it humbling even for you to picture the sorts of bullshit your gender is constantly, inflicting on women?

Ask a lot of the women on your platform. Many have become the punching bags of their inconsiderate husbands. They are living with so much frustration because these men are refusing to hear or listen to them when they complain about what they’re doing, or not doing, which is causing them enormous pain. Husbands who have become masters of all sorts of unbearable pain at their home; giving it – not taking it. And you know the annoying part? How you guys would twist the very pain you cause so we feel it’s our fault.

My happiness and peace of mind as a woman, and a wife is not my husband’s responsibility. But if you’re coming to me in the name of love, then your intention should be to contribute or add to my peace and not to disrupt it. Dave, no woman is perfect but the truth is that, if a woman is doing something and she realizes that it’s hurting her man, she would stop it as soon as she finds out. My husband, on the other hand needs a convincing reason to change and it needs to be more compelling than my unhappiness or misery. How wicked can a man be?

The way you speak to, and treat your wife reflects in how she behaves. I don’t know how the universe arranged it but that’s how it is. Your wife will take the form and shape that will reproduce you in ways you have probably never imagined. So, if you start from giving a 100% of you in the relationship, do not shortchange yourself later on to give a 50% because the excitement has faded on your part. Or you suddenly know what’s up because you have come into a little money. Listen, a God-fearing woman naturally is motivated to do what is right by you simply by understanding that her actions or inactions hurt you. If you continue to break her, you will have to learn the hard way – that you are married to a woman who just doesn’t care anymore if her actions hurt or offends you, so long as she gets what she wants. And, she will get what she wants.

Image Credit: Jaycee300s

Landing A Rich Man

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, how are you doing? So, I am going to try to be as honest as possible to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth; so, help me God. There came a time in my life that I had to reinvent myself with the sole aim of landing a rich man. I needed to be a rich man’s wife because I was sick and tired of being a bank teller. I felt like I also deserved to eat at top restaurants and drink the finest wines. I have been married for six years and my husband is filthy loaded. I targeted him because he has crazy money. Luckily for me, he is very attractive too.

I had been playing under the guise of just wanting a man who had his shit together but that wasn’t the whole truth. Though I wouldn’t consider myself to be shallow, I have a hunger for the finer things in life. I love life. I love money. I love to dress good. I love to smell good. I love jewelry. I love great shoes and bags. I want to co-own a beautiful house. I want to drive nice car. I want my children to have everything I never had. And I came to realize later on that, most rich men are willing to pay for someone extremely beautiful and nice to look at and also, fuck.

Love clearly isn’t the most important thing to me. I am a very beautiful woman and I know what the tradeoffs are when dealing with some of these guys with serious money and assets. What I found attractive about miŋɛ was the fact that his utterances weren’t the type that had to buy a fantasy of a better version of himself. He didn’t like talking about or flaunting his wealth. He was just like the everyday person and wasn’t doing or saying too much to make lesser folks feel jealous.

We bumped into each other at a mutual friend’s destination wedding and I could tell he was rich. He smelled rich. He looked simple and average but his demeanor was rich. I needed to test my assumption, and so, I walked towards him with a question, ‘Hello. My name is …. Can you give me an advice on money?’ He smiled with a confused look on his face but I wasn’t smiling back at him. I pretended to be serious and interested to learn. He gave a simple response, “Make sure the money coming in your bank account each month is way higher than the money going out.” I thanked him and politely walked away.
I didn’t speak with him again throughout the reception. When I got to my hotel that evening, there were lovely flowers and a card waiting for me, telling me how beautiful I looked and his willingness to want to teach me more about financial independence if I was still interested. The card had his phone number. I don’t know how he did it, but he managed to find information about me to locate me with beautiful flowers. We talked on phone so many times in a day for two months before asking me to marry him.

He made me understand he had been single because his main goal and focus was to make money. Due to that, he avoided ladies and had never seriously gotten involved in dating anyone. Now that his wealth is wealthing, he was ready to find true love. His proposal caught me off guard. I wasn’t ready to be proposed to. He told me how much he loved me and I had to tell him how calculating I was during the wedding reception. It was just his money and dick I was after and nothing else. I was expecting him to disrespect me, especially being from a lower class but no. He did not disregard or disrespect me for being poor and calculating. Instead, he offered me a dream to live in the present. Dave, sometimes, I wake up at dawn to pinch myself as reminder of how lucky I am in this life.

The day I walked down the aisle, we both knew I wasn’t marrying for love, and he was okay with that. He understood how much I cared for him as a person but was in love with his money. We built a happy relationship on his wealth for three years before I started falling in love with him naturally. The day I told him I believed I was falling in love with him was the first time I ever saw him cry. He told me he suspected I was falling in love with him because apparently, I had been flirting with him for months and was showing genuine signs of wanting to be with him.
Though I was contributing nothing to the table then, he still saw me as his equal.

Image Credit: Kebs-Visuals

Make An Offer

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, I have been married to Sefakor for 10 years. We talked about the possibility of a marriage when we were dating. I have to admit that there were times I doubted our relationship. There were times that I strongly felt like it could work. The marriage I have today, 10 years later looks very much different from the marriage I thought I was going to have with my wife when we were boyfriend-girlfriend. I was the fast and furious type. A fuckboy who could masquerade as a woman’s prince charming, develop strong connection and feelings, only for the flame to fizzle out after I had a bite or two.

Right from day 1 when we first met, she made me understand that she wasn’t going to subject herself to any kind of unhappy situationship with me. She wasn’t going to waste her time with a man who did not deem it fit to earn and keep her trust. Dave, this was Day 1, and I hadn’t even suggested anything to the tune of me liking her. The women I used to chase were the types I could tell something today, and then do something entirely different tomorrow, and would get away with it. Sefakor’s encounter with me the first day I laid eyes on her left me scratching my head in confusion.

I was so confused and found the whole conversation funny, I left her office to my car, sat in the car for about 20 minutes laughing at myself. The next thing I realized, I had gone back to her office to ask for her number. The player in me felt challenged to come up with an optimal strategy, a clever way not to date her but rather maximize the likelihood of satisfaction. At least I thought I had such a formula.

I called her the following evening, talked for about an hour on the phone and then asked her out on a date. Before agreeing to our first date she asked if I was also talking to other women. I lied initially but she demanded an honest answer. I told her ‘Yes’. She followed up with, “how many women”? And of course, I lied about the number. They were five in total but told her two. She asked if I had gone on any dates with the ladies and I affirmed.  It was our first date. Although I knew she was incredibly gorgeous from our encounter in her office, this was going to be my first time of looking at her from a lustful appetite point of view.

There she came into the restaurant, slim, tall curvaceous. I nodded towards my direction and she joined me at the table. The moment she sat down she laid all her cards on the table. She wanted me to treat our first date as a job interview. Since I had mentioned, I was talking to two other women, she was presenting herself as the third candidate being interviewed to be my personal secretary. She actually made me imagine our date as a job interview. Her conditions were, at the end of our date/interview, I should have made a decision whether or not to give her the job. If I could not make a decision I could stand by with my full chest, then there wasn’t going to be any further conversations between us.

I thought it was an unfair pressure but she had a point. I wasn’t committed to any of the other women by that time I was on the date/interview with my sixth candidate. We spent close to four hours talking and getting to know each other. When we were done with the interview-date, I had to make an offer or move on. Dave, do you believe in love at first sight? It’s crazy mehn! That night, I knew I had so much respect for Sefakor. Even the way I talked to her with respect, I wanted to handle her so carefully. These past 10 years, my wife allowed me to be who I was and allowed me to grow for myself. She did not force growth and change on me. My sixth candidate was the last candidate I ever interviewed. I offered the job to her because my plan was to date for the fun of it but Sefakor met me with so much substance.

Image Credit: Terrillo Walls

Let’s Talk To Knox

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 126: I’m Knox

DBM: Hi Knox. How would you describe yourself?

Knox: I’m easy to talk to and may have the magic effect to make people like me

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Knox: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Knox: A woman I’m in a relationship with wants me to be vulnerable with her so she can inspire me to come into the realization that, her love for me can make me want to become a better version of myself. I don’t think I will ever be the perfect man for any woman. I trust myself to make more mistakes; I’m certain I’d be giving in to more and more of my weaknesses, however, I am a man who wants to do better.

DBM: What version of you is she in love with at the moment?

Knox: The raw me

DBM: Describe the raw you?

Knox: Witty, attractive, charming but still guarded; the ladies’ man. I’m fire with a thrill

DBM: You love her?

Knox: I think I am falling for her. The feelings I have for her are strong

DBM: Explain the ‘ladies’ man’ bit

Knox: I’m able to talk a woman’s panties off

DBM: So, in other words, you’re a player?

Knox: I don’t think I am. She’s managed to pin me down somewhat

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Knox: Nine months

DBM: At what point in your schedule do you usually feel like you love her?

Knox: When I’m horny or lonely, or bored

DBM: Smh!

Knox: Why are you shaking your head?

DBM: Describe sex with her

Knox: Dave, I’ve gotten to know this lady for some time now, and I think we have a relationship that is growing based on the amount of time, care and commitment we’ve decided to put into it. Sex with her means something to me, probably because there are a lot of feelings involved on my part. The energy is kinda, different. I can’t even explain it, but it’s something I enjoy. Getting her off gets me off. I don’t think of my pleasure when I’m making love to her. My focus is always on giving her pleasure.

DBM: I like the sound of that

Knox: I’m afraid to admit it but falling in love scares me.

DBM: Why?

Knox: I don’t know. One minute I’m spending time with her, and the next, I’m suddenly distant.

DBM: Are you comfortable with the idea of being in a long-term relationship with just one person?

Knox: My fear is committing to her and then later realizing she isn’t my soul mate.

DBM: What kind of dream do you have for your future?

Knox: Wife, children, happy home, comfortable living, happy me

DBM: And it’s achievable, no?

Knox: Maybe, maybe not.

DBM: Has she come into contact with the real you that makes you stand out and not blend in?

Knox: Dave, I’m not all that good o

DBM: But there is an element of good to some extent to you, no?

Knox: I guess

DBM: What are you really afraid of?

Knox: My last serious relationship left me hanging

DBM: In what sense?

Knox: She chose someone else over me

DBM: How long did you date?

Knox: I thought we were in a relationship but later found out she was only weighing her options to choose from. We were together for three years; she weighed me for three years and I didn’t make the cut. I didn’t see it coming.

DBM: So, you feel like the past trauma is still coloring your idea of what a relationship could potentially be for you today?

Knox: I’m just trying to avoid an unexpected disappointment

DBM: Even though your current girlfriend is nothing like your past?

Knox: Better to be safe than sorry

DBM: Not surprised though! Many of us would rather be sensitive to what could be going wrong than focusing on what is actually going right for us in the now.

Knox: I can’t help it

DBM: What is the one good thing about your girlfriend that comes to mind?

Knox: She gives me the opportunity to protect her heart, and also, provide for her

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Knox: She’s an orthodontist

DBM: How about you?

Knox: A computer network architect

DBM: How did you meet?

Knox: She fixed some irregularities in my teeth and jaws, and I was pleased with how meticulous she was. My teethes are straightened because she created a corrective treatment plan precisely for my needs.

DBM: How did you end up dating?

Knox: I think I managed to explode the heat between her legs with just a feeling conversation, without even touching her. I left her craving for me

DBM: Which, ultimately was your intention, no?

Knox: Abi you know dada

DBM: Do you find yourself so caught up in the needs and wants of your woman to the extent of tossing your own needs and wants to the side?

Knox: Not with this lady

DBM: Meaning she’s a good catch?

Knox: She is. That’s why I like her

DBM: Do you deserve her?

Knox: I’m getting what I want

DBM: Great, but are you also getting what you deserve?

Knox: Yes. She’s the most beautiful person that I’ve ever experienced in my life.

DBM: That was all I wanted to know

Knox: I don’t know if what I’m offering her is all that she deserves

DBM: When it comes to my heart and its feelings, I usually do not want to be loved by many people. I’m very comfortable and content with someone in my life who gets me. That one person who has seen my worst a dozen times but still loves the me inside of me when my worst pops up. Someone who thinks of me and would smile and shake their head for no reason. Someone who delights in looking out for me; accepts me for all that I am, brings out the very best in me and most importantly, challenge me to be the very best of me that I could possibly be.

Knox: She does that for me

DBM: Then you need to be that kind of person for her too, can you?

Knox: I can

DBM: You will be fine

Knox: I hope so

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Knox: Are you a counselor?

DBM: I am not. Participant 125, Nanyamka, left a question for you: ‘If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?’

Knox: Oh, that’s simple; FUCK THE HELL OFF!!!

DBM: Hmmm!

Knox: What?

DBM: You don’t look like the type of guy to be using this kind of language

Knox: I don’t look like what I’ve been through

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Knox: I like this segment. Here is my question: What is the most important thing I should know about you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ekaterina Bolovtsova

Let’s Talk To Lizy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 114: Lizy

DBM: Hello Lizy. How would you describe yourself?

Lizy: I like to think of myself as an emotionally strong and independent person. My friends and family tell me I’m smart and kind. Nothing comes between me and a goal I set for myself. If I want something, I go for it. I do my best to be self-reliable. Hence, it’s difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. When I love, I go all in, which sometimes blinds my rationality, but hey, we are all human, and we are bound to make mistakes.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lizy: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Lizy: My fiancé and I are preparing to get married. However, we are at a road block. His religious doctrines do not align with mine. He’s neither ready to compromise or find a middle ground. He wants me to join him in his church or, better still, continue going to my church. I’ve visited his church a couple of times, and I know within me that that’s not the lifestyle I want for myself. I would want us to have unity of purpose in all aspects of our lives. I’m ready to let him go, but he will have none of it. I feel I’m wasting my time with him but he thinks otherwise. I’m lost.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Lizy: Since 2015

DBM: So, basically your concerns are about the differences in religious doctrines?

Lizy: There are others but this is the straw breaking my back. He’s not kind towards me. I’ve observed that with his mother too. He’s always concerned about the future. Not that I don’t but I’m of the opinion that I must be alive first in order to enjoy the future. Because of this, he thinks I waste money, which is not the case. I work hard for my money, so the least I can do for myself is to be comfortable.

DBM: Do you see yourselves coping in a compatible way based on, maybe, similar values?

Lizy: Dave, I don’t want to cope in my marriage. At least it didn’t turn out well for my mother. Interestingly, most of his values are directly linked to the doctrines he practices in church. I see a lot of disagreements in my future marriage and I wouldn’t want to go in knowing this.

DBM: Has he the capacity to be kind to you – if you’re to predict a future with him?

Lizy: He’s more than capable of being kind to me. At first, I was demonstrating it to him, but it was not being reciprocated, so recently, I’ve stopped. We’ve discussed it. I made him aware that kindness is one of my love languages but in his defense, he claims I’m not yet his wife and so he has no responsibilities towards me. I understand that. However, knowing the person I’m dealing with, it’s not going to change in marriage. I believe that if you love someone, you show it. He’ll only do things for you out of convenience and if he has something to gain.

DBM: I see. So, this table you both find yourselves seated by, is love being served?

Lizy: From his angle, he thinks he’s loving me the best way he could. From my end, I think he’s doing the barest minimum to keep me around.

DBM: Has he the desire to give you what you need, i.e.: his consistent presence, respect, genuine concern and maybe, the foundation of something real and meaningful outside of sex?

Lizy: The truth is, we are cohabiting at the moment (I have the means to rent my own place though- currently putting plans in place to move out). The desire is not there. He thinks I’m ungrateful and don’t appreciate what he does for me. Although we are in the same space, he’s mostly unavailable to me (not physically) unless he needs my help with something.

DBM: What did you find attractive about him to want to be in a relationship with him?

Lizy: From start, his sense of self assurance and control (he seems to have it all together). After a couple of years, I fell in love and I held on to it. I held on to the hope that things will get better for us. But as we grew together, he seems to develop different priorities. My mistake was and still is hoping against all odds. I don’t know how to move on after being with someone for this long. After my high school sweetheart- childish love, he’s the only man I’ve known.

DBM: What time is it now for you? Is it the period you feel that your future happiness depends on a fresh start, or just giving him the benefit of the doubt?

Lizy: I feel I need a fresh start. Giving benefits of the doubt is what has gotten me here. But the question I keep asking is where and how am I starting?

DBM: Can you describe what a happy relationship looks like for you?

Lizy: A relationship that I’m at liberty to be my authentic self and express my exact feelings without being judged or gaslighted. One that there’s mutual respect and support for each other’s life goals. A relationship where I’m viewed as a partner and not a competition. A relationship that will challenge me to be progressively better, one that will make me wake in the morning and be thankful that someone has got my back.

DBM: In a balanced relationship, what are you not willing to compromise?

Lizy: My sanity, happiness and true self.

DBM: What is it like to be you right now?

Lizy: In an ideal situation or in reality? Because in reality, being in my shoes right now means having to bottle up a lot of your feelings because you don’t want to be told it’s all up in your head. Being me means taking care of everyone else except yourself. Being me right now means being constantly tired emotionally and physically because you are trying your best to meet the expectations of you while also finding a way to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself, which brings you meaning. Finally, being me in reality means you are at a breaking point where you feel empty because this is not the life you wish for yourself; nothing makes meaning anymore.

DBM: Hmmm! Do you believe you are each other’s soul mate?

Lizy: I don’t believe there’s something like that. I believe no one is indispensable.

DBM: Is your fiancé your biggest advocate?

Lizy: For my life decisions?

DBM: All inclusive: your general well-being, etc.

Lizy: No. After myself, my sister is my biggest advocate. Verbal advocacy, yes. Advocacy in deed, no.

DBM:  Oh wow! So, how often would you say the two of you laugh together?

Lizy: Our laughing is inconsistent. This week, we are laughing together and then next week, we are angry at each other – more of silent treatment.

DBM: Are you content with the level of intimacy that you share with him?

Lizy: Physical? Yes. Other aspects such as emotional, no.

DBM: What would be a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you ever overlooked one in your current relationship?

Lizy: Cheating. So far, we’ve not had any issues regarding it.

DBM: My last question is, do you see yourself having an affair in the future – if you’re to marry your fiancé?

Lizy: Nope. However, I will mostly be unhappy.

DBM: I get it. Hmmm! Thank you for engaging me.

Lizy: You are welcome. Thank you too for making the time.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

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