Let’s Talk To Stacy
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 58: My name is Stacy
DBM: Hi Stacy. How would you describe yourself?
Stacy: There is not much to say
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Stacy: 3
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Stacy: My cousin is pregnant for my husband. He told me about their relationship not long ago.
DBM: Why did he tell you?
Stacy: Because he realized I had been my happiest since finding out about her pregnancy.
DBM: Has she confirmed what your husband has made known to you?
Stacy: Yes!
DBM: What did she say?
Stacy: She said she was sorry
DBM: That was that?
Stacy: I couldn’t ask any more questions
DBM: Why?
Stacy: Dave, I still don’t know why
DBM: You cannot fix what you will not confront
Stacy: I know!
DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?
Stacy: I don’t even know how I feel about them right now. My cousin has been my biggest encouragement throughout the years. She’s given me the best laughs and smiles anytime we were together. I don’t understand why they could do this to me.
DBM: How are you taking it all in at home with your husband?
Stacy: It’s not easy. I am heartbroken at this point. I am trying to stay strong for our marriage but it’s not getting me anywhere.
DBM: I don’t think it’s your place to be ‘strong’ for a spouse or significant other who has chosen to cheat on you.
Stacy: A lot of people look up to us and our marriage. My fear is disappointing them if I am to opt for a divorce.
DBM: How long are you willing to save face?
Stacy: Hmmm! But is it okay to walk away from an 11-year-old marriage?
DBM: What do you want to do?
Stacy: I don’t know for now.
DBM: You love him?
Stacy: I love my husband dearly, but I do not like what he’s done to our marriage. It’s a dealbreaker for me. I am concerned about our children and what others would say if I walk away.
DBM: Do you want to walk away?
Stacy: Yes!
DBM: Why?
Stacy: Because he broke our covenant, and I cannot trust him anymore. Dave, a lot of men have expressed interest in me, even with the knowledge of my marital status. The love and respect I have for my husband has been the enabling knock pushing other admirers away. Why couldn’t my husband show me the same measure of respect? I have chosen transparency in our marriage because I want to be honest with him through and through.
DBM: He’s been honest with you now, no?
Stacy: I don’t think I am willing to allow him to dust me with his dirt. I feel betrayed.
DBM: You can love someone enough to let them go
Stacy: I know, but who would want a mother of two kids?
DBM: Stacy, ‘a mother of two kids’ is also a whole package. You’re a good-looking woman, and there is someone to love on you wholeheartedly – without making you feel that because you’re a mother of two, something is inadequate about you.
Stacy: True!
DBM: Again, your husband did mess up but try not to judge him based on his worst day
Stacy: It’s actually not fair to say that to me. He had a choice to be disciplined
DBM: When it comes to love and its commitments, discipline is a MUST, and not a choice.
Stacy: Exactly, Dave. I equally get tempted to look elsewhere when situations in our marriage makes him less than the stellar man to hold up high. This is not the first time that I have been tempted to cut things off between us. This is not the first time I have been tempted to cheat on my husband because my gut was telling me he was entertaining another woman. I have been hanging in there, hoping our commitments to one another would get better.
DBM: So, he’s been unfaithful in the marriage before?
Stacy: Yes! He made me question my over-reactiveness and sensitivity. He made me believe I was misinterpreting everything. Cheating has never been worth it for me. I believe as a couple, we all do well when we decide to do better.
DBM: I concur!
Stacy: The grass has also looked greener on the other side for me, but…
DBM: I get you.
Stacy: And the reason why I am not willing to fight for this marriage any longer is that, my husband told my cousin I am a ‘decent’ woman – and will go to unusual lengths just to keep him and the marriage happy.
DBM: Are you his definition of decency?
Stacy: I was
DBM: Do you feel obliged to choose your husband and marriage because of the children or what others would think?
Stacy: I used to, but I am beginning to realize I have to care more about what I deserve
DBM: I know you may have expected more from your husband. And I can understand how disheartening his actions have been
Stacy: How do I get over the fear of letting people down?
DBM: Which people?
Stacy: My children, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends, church members, etc.
DBM: I usually do not care so much about what others think of me. Fortunately or unfortunately, love and peace of mind are two of the most important things in my life. If I were in your shoes, I would follow my heart and not the opinions of others. Refuse to live up to the expectations of others. After all, not everyone will agree with your convictions
Stacy: When do you think I will find it in my heart to forgive him, even if we go our separate ways?
DBM: You would have to move to forgiveness in your own time. I don’t rush myself into forgiving people. I can’t force you to forgive me either, should I wrong you. You get me?
Stacy: You’ve been very helpful.
DBM: I’m glad to know.
Image Credits: Tobit Nazar Nieto Hernandez
