Let’s Talk To Emefa
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 82: Emefa
DBM: Hello Emefa. How would you describe yourself?
Emefa: I am a mother, and soon to be grandmother. Some of my close friends tell me that they feel better after talking to me. I am conscious of maintaining a clean and neat appearance. Lastly, I would say, I have a meaningful relationship with myself – which has been up and down, sometimes, sideways over the years. I change as a person when the people around me change. I change when circumstances around me change. I change as and when I want to change.
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Emefa: 7
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Emefa: I became a dowager in January, 2023. We were married for a good 32 years. It is still taking me time to process his death.
DBM: There are no words
Emefa: People try to say nice things to comfort me, but after they’ve left or ended their calls, I am left alone all over again to deal with my loss
DBM: Healing through moments like these comes slowly, but it does come.
Emefa: I guess
DBM: Has he been buried?
Emefa: Yes, weeks ago.
DBM: How did you meet your late husband?
Emefa: We ran into each other physically on the street one afternoon. I was going to buy food for lunch. He told me he had been writing letters to a strange P. O. Box address he saw in the newspaper, and the person had been writing back. They agreed on a date to meet on the street for the first time. She was supposed to be wearing a white and green outfit for easy identification because they didn’t know what the other looked like. Guess my favorite colors?
DBM: Green and white?
Emefa: With a pop of black in the mix. He says he noticed me in the crowd, from the opposite side of the road, in my white, green and black dress, and automatically assumed I was the lady he had been writing to. Looking back, my dress did stand out in the crowd. He jounced my shoulder while walking past me. I remember I turned and gave him a sarcastic look, and he had this confused expression on his face. I stopped walking and he approached me, smiling.
DBM: What did he say?
Emefa: ‘You have a beautiful presence’
DBM: Wait! Was he saying this to the stranger you, or the woman he had been writing letters to?
Emefa: He assumed I was his mystery lady. I thanked him for the compliment and went to buy my food. He followed me to the chop-bar, unknown to me. He bought food and came to sit next to my table. I have this habit of frequently glancing around a room to spot familiar faces. I did again this time, only to see him staring right at me.
DBM: You liked him?
Emefa: It felt uncomfortable to see him twice in 20 minutes. But he was very handsome. He had these really huge eyes. I am not talking about big; he had very huge eyes which almost seemed like they would pop out of his head.
DBM: Hehehe
Emefa: But they were at the same time attractive. I liked him a lot, yes.
DBM: Do you know whatever happened to the mystery lady?
Emefa: Yes, she wrote him back to say she got his letter from the post office very late. The date and time he proposed they met had passed by then.
DBM: Did he write back?
Emefa: I don’t think he did. We had started dating
DBM: I like the sound of that
Emefa: We had a lot of plans for the future together. He died too young
DBM: How many kids later?
Emefa: We had three together.
DBM: That’s nice
Emefa: And found out in January, that he has another son.
DBM: Huh?
Emefa: His other son is 26. My last child is 24
DBM: Is your last child a boy or girl?
Emefa: A boy. I have two daughters and a son.
DBM: How old are your girls?
Emefa: 30 and 28
DBM: Just this January?
Emefa: Sunday, 22nd January, 2023. Two days after my husband had passed, he showed up with his mother.
DBM: He is his son for real?
Emefa: He is. My husband had been taking care of him and his mother for the past 26 years. They had receipts, pictures, DNA results, and had been named in my husband’s will.
DBM: And, you did not know anything about this?
Emefa: I had no clue. I understand that a man has a responsibility to be a father to his child, but I am tremendously miffed and still dealing with the pain of the adultery he’s left me to battle with, alongside his death.
DBM: How is your heart and head managing through it all?
Emefa: I am not taking any major decisions about anything right now. Unfortunately, dead men don’t talk, so I want to see how everything is going to play out on its own merit. I signed on to this marriage thing as a lifelong commitment to my husband. And because I loved him so much, I tried to be the best for only him. I did not betray him by cheating on him. 32 years later, I can confidently say that I did my part. So, if what I gave is this memory he has left me with in return, then it’s all good.
DBM: How are your children taking the news of another brother?
Emefa: They are adults so they are allowing themselves time to navigate the intricacies of their father’s affair, the new brother and his mother – at their own pace.
DBM: Do you think they will build a relationship with their brother?
Emefa: My son, I know has been texting and calling him since the funeral. For my daughters, I hope they would eventually also get to know him.
DBM: Do you feel disappointed in your husband?
Emefa: I want to hold on to the beautiful memories we built together and leave this bad one behind. I want to keep retaining a positive outlook on life.
DBM: That’s fair. Do you see yourself getting married again?
Emefa: I will always love my husband. I will always have his love for me, but I will move on to something meaningful if I am to come across the right man interested in me.
DBM: You have the last word to say something to women
Emefa: A man is as hard to figure out as a woman. They can force themselves on your wavelength just to hide a bad deed. Pay attention to the intentions of the man you love. Some would be categorizing you as a soft touch and unconsciously, manipulate and play mind-games with you. Cut your losses and go if you catch him cheating. Because his behavior isn’t likely to stop. He will do it again, and again. I saw this firsthand after my husband’s death.
DBM: Your husband is not a representation of all men
Emefa: He was the perfect representation of men cheating on their wives. These men control their own narrative. Trusting their word that it won’t happen again is as true as you would want it to be.
Image Credit: Jackson David
