Let’s Talk To Ira
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 131: Ira
DBM: Hello Ira. How would you describe yourself?
Ira: I have to have money
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Ira: 7
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Ira: My wife doesn’t want to be married again but I do. How do I get her to want to stay married?
DBM: How long have you been married?
Ira: 7 years
DBM: Seven good or bad years?
Ira: It’s not been an easy journey but it wasn’t all that bad
DBM: Why does she want out?
Ira: She says I do not meet all of her needs
DBM: Meaning?
Ira: She’s not happy
DBM: What were her expectations of you and the marriage?
Ira: I don’t know
DBM: You have to ask her
Ira: She doesn’t know how to explain her feelings at the moment
DBM: Did she have any ‘problems’ with you prior to getting married?
Ira: Everybody had a problem or two with their significant others before marriage
DBM: Those problems do not go away after the wedding, you know that, no?
Ira: I know
DBM: You need to find out why she’s not happy
Ira: That’s the problem, she’s not able to point out the specifics. All she says is, ‘this marriage is not serving my best interest. I am not happy. I will be better off single’
DBM: Do you believe she would be happy as a single woman?
Ira: We have children, Dave. I feel that our personal pursuit for happiness shouldn’t be the first priority. The kids are
DBM: I disagree
Ira: Why?
DBM: Did you marry her because of children?
Ira: Not really
DBM: Why did you get married?
Ira: Because she used to make me happy and vice versa
DBM: So, which of you stopped trying as hard to keep the other happy?
Ira: I’d say she did
DBM: Why is that?
Ira: She became all about the children. She put me second.
DBM: Who is your first now?
Ira: Certainly not my wife
DBM: There’s a new first?
Ira: I am willing to drop her for my wife and start all over again if she’s open to making our marriage a priority.
DBM: In other words, your marriage is currently on autopilot?
Ira: Something like that
DBM: I can understand why it’s failing for the both of you
Ira: Marriage is difficult, Dave.
DBM: Because marriage in itself automatically creates problems. It is rife with its own issues
Ira: And I miss being single sometimes
DBM: You miss being single because when you’re a bachelor, you only make decisions for yourself; you’re focused on you and what keeps you excited. If you have a wife, you put your marriage first. Seven years into the marriage and your love is already dwindling?
Ira: Not mine, hers
DBM: Do you know what your wife wants or needs in order to be happy?
Ira: I think so, but I do not want to start something I know I cannot sustain
DBM: Is whatever it is above and beyond your ability?
Ira: Not really
DBM: So, what’s the catch?
Ira: I have my needs and wants too
DBM: And, at what point can the two of you consider compromising?
Ira: I was the one always compromising till I got fed up
DBM: I bet your wife would say same?
Ira: Yes
DBM: So, what’s the way forward?
Ira: I want to stay married
DBM: To?
Ira: My wife of course, who else? Lol!
DBM: Why are you sleeping with the other lady?
Ira: I am not. She’s someone I used to date
DBM: And?
Ira: I sometimes miss what we used to have
DBM: Does she know you’re married?
Ira: Yes, she’s also married
DBM: Why is she the someone you enjoy talking to?
Ira: Dave, before I met and married my wife, I had a life and friends of my own.
DBM: Now you’re married, you have children, your priorities change. You focus changes. Even your energy changes
Ira: My friendship with this woman is what is keeping me levelheaded
DBM: Have you explained this to your wife?
Ira: She thinks there is something going on between us
DBM: What ingredients constitute this friendship?
Ira: It’s a beautiful bond we share. We’re good friends, committed to what we have; there is respect, trust and service; we love on the level of the love and attention we give each other.
DBM: Is there something else beyond friendship going on?
Ira: Yes, but we have no plans pursuing an affair
DBM: If you say ‘we’, you mean you’ve both identified the on-going chemistry and its probability of infringing upon your boundaries?
Ira: Yes. I don’t want to be pressured to cut her off
DBM: Is the friendship worth losing your marriage?
Ira: She’s no bad energy
DBM: Are you still in love with her?
Ira: I care about her
DBM: What does that mean?
Ira: It is what it is
DBM: Is your ex inserting herself between you and your wife?
Ira: No
DBM: Are you inserting yourself between your ex and her husband?
Ira: I don’t think so
DBM: So, say a definite ‘No!’
Ira: It is what it is
DBM: Are you pursuing your wife as much as you’re invested in whatever it is you share with this your lady friend?
Ira: I try
DBM: Is your wife your friend?
Ira: I think so
DBM: Do you value her?
Ira: I do
DBM: Do you cherish her?
Ira: I do
DBM: Do you serve her well?
Ira: I do the best I can
DBM: Do you know the best and worst of your wife, and still love her anyways?
Ira: I love her
DBM: Participant 130, Dofi, left a question for you: ‘Is it ever OKAY to lie?’
Ira: Sometimes. If you’re married to someone like my wife, lying the right way to her is what actually builds her trust in me. It’s all about when and how you tell the lie. When the intention behind what I’m saying to her is good, nothing else should matter.
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant
Ira: Do you think it’s better to stay friends with exes, or to cut ties with them? Are you over your ex?
DBM: Thank you!
Image Credit: David Gomes
