Let’s Talk To Juliana

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 164: My name is Juliana

DBM: Hi Juliana. How would you describe yourself?

Juliana: I am a full pie, and I give my all when in a committed relationship. I am however, unable to give my 100% to a man who chooses to go somewhere else for a piece of the same pie

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Juliana: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Juliana: A moment in my life when I came close to being gravely hurt

DBM: Were you physically scathed?

Juliana: Yes. I was hospitalized for three weeks, two days.

DBM: When did this happen to you?

Juliana: Last year

DBM: What happened?

Juliana: I was on phone with my husband as always, after work. I had also gone to pick the children from school, and was driving to the house. We discussed my day and his, he said hello to the children, and I was to end the call so he put finishing touches to work-related things at the office before coming home. We said our goodbyes, and I think he just put his phone down, thinking I would end the call as I usually do. I was still on the phone when the woman lying next to him asked if we were done talking. For almost 15 minutes, I listened to my husband and two women in the same room, having sex. I didn’t know what happened to me next but I gained consciousness in a hospital bed.

DBM: How about the children?

Juliana: They sustained injuries but they’re fine.

DBM: And your husband?

Juliana: I’ve not spoken to him since September, last year.

DBM: Why not?

Juliana: I don’t know what to say to him. I’m informed that when the accident happened, and I was being rushed to the hospital, one of the eyewitnesses picked up my phone and my husband was shouting my name. He realized after the accident I was on the call all the while he was having sex.

DBM: Ha!

Juliana: He’s asked his family to beg for my forgiveness.

DBM: And?

Juliana: I’m not sure of the way forward right now

DBM: Why is that?

Juliana: Once a cheat, always will cheat

DBM: Hmmm!

Juliana: Where is the lie here?

DBM: People can change to do right by you, if they want to.

Juliana: He’s already broken that boundary in this scenario

DBM: People grow and learn every day to do better

Juliana: I know

DBM: How would you advise anyone coming into a shocking revelation or information, while driving?

Juliana: If it’s safe to do so, just pull over somewhere and turn off the engine. You will need that moment to carefully compose yourself.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Juliana: 7 years

DBM: How many children?

Juliana: 2, a boy and a girl.

DBM: Does your husband fully comprehend how much devastation he’s caused?

Juliana: I don’t think he does. For me, if a man is willing to cheat on me, then he’s willing to also lose me

DBM: Why do you think he cheated?

Juliana: That’s his question to answer, not mine.

DBM: I see

Juliana: I know he’s always fancied engaging in a threesome with me. I am not up to it, and so I think he’s been looking around for willing participants

DBM: Why are you not up to it?

Juliana: I feel like it’s an avenue to invite a third person into the marriage.

DBM: Three is a crowd?

Juliana: Three is a crowd!

DBM: Okay! Prior to the incident, how were things going between you two?

Juliana: I thought all was well. Do you believe a man has to have a reason to justify an affair?

DBM: No! We make the decision to be unfaithful.

Juliana: I agree. Trusting him again is impossible for me right now

DBM: I can understand

Juliana: His family wouldn’t let me rest. They want me to forgive and forget

DBM: But forgiveness should happen on your timeline and terms, not theirs

Juliana: They don’t get it

DBM: Do not be rushed.

Juliana: I am dwelling on what he did to me till I am ready to finally move on

DBM: What’s going through your mind now?

Juliana: I am not pained by the sex he was having; it’s the lies he made me believe – that, everything was perfect in our marriage. That’s what keeps making me feel worse about him. I am very offended by his actions

DBM: If you take offense to heart, you will be giving him and anyone else involved, power to offend you more

Juliana: Hmmm!

DBM: Do you know how long it’s been going on between them?

Juliana: No

DBM: Do you want to know?

Juliana: I don’t want to know. I feel like he’s gotten away for while now, living this double life

DBM: I get you

Juliana: Why would a Christian man want to engage in a threesome in the first place?

DBM: Have you asked him why he fancies such?

Juliana: I asked him once and he said it could spice our sex life

DBM: How was your sex life?

Juliana: I thought it was good

DBM: What was his opinion of it?

Juliana: Same thing; he believed we had a fun sex life

DBM: I see. Do you think your relationship with him can be repaired?

Juliana: No. I fear contracting a disease if I am to just sweep his actions under the rug

DBM: Well, some sexually transmitted diseases can last for the long haul if care is not taken.

Juliana: That’s my point. I would rather call it quit than hang around.

DBM: Is the health aspect of it the only reason why?

Juliana: I am willing to forgive him if he comes to ask me for forgiveness, but I don’t think I want to rebuild what he’s broken. David, you teach people how to treat you. If I take him back and pretend what he did didn’t impact our marriage, I am only encouraging him to next time conceal his cheating a bit better. I don’t want to be his case-study to other cheating men that, some women, and in this context, me, choose to stay with men even after their betrayal of trust.

DBM: Will your mind be at peace with this decision?

Juliana: Of course! My decision stops me from questioning my confidence. Whatever void he needed filled with his affair can be filled once I set him free. I cannot carry the burden of meeting a need in a man who does not respect me as his wife.

DBM: Did your husband meet all of your needs?

Juliana: My needs, as a wife, are non-negotiable: I need my husband to be honest with me. I need my husband to be faithful to me. My husband should be a man of integrity. Mind you, these are not my needs as a woman; these are not my wants. These are the needs of a wife

DBM: Participant 163, TP, left a question for you. ‘What is your understanding of Hebrews 13:4?’

Juliana: Hebrews 13:4 to my understanding is the repercussions of adultery: I am not supposed to give my husband my physical, intellectual and emotional intimacy after taking for granted the essence of our union. I am at liberty to refuse him my pie.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Juliana: Whoever is next should evaluate my final decision

DBM: Thank you!

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