Let’s Talk To JJAS

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 159: June-July-August-September

DBM: Hello JJAS. How would you describe yourself?

JJAS: Not sure how

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

JJAS: Four

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

JJAS: I want to confess an affair I’m involved in to my wife. I am not sure whether or not I’d be making the right decision by volunteering this information.

DBM: Why the sudden need to tell her?

JJAS: I have a child on the way

DBM: With the other woman?

JJAS: Yes. And a child is not a secret I want to hide

DBM: Are you certain you’re prepared to share more information about your affair than you’d really want to?

JJAS: I don’t know, Dave

DBM: What do you know then?

JJAS: Do you think I should tell her what is happening?

DBM: What is happening?

JJAS: Oh, bro! But I just told you?

DBM: Which questions would be overly personal in your opinion, should she want to know details?

JJAS: I am not sure

DBM: Do you know what could make me confess an affair, assuming I’m involved in one?

JJAS: What?

DBM: If I respect my partner enough to want to tell the truth

JJAS: I respect my wife

DBM: Then she deserves the whole truth. You don’t have to hide anything from her.

JJAS: I need a favor

DBM: I’m all ears

JJAS: Can you act as my wife and ask me potential questions you would have asked?

DBM: I’ve been cheated on before, so I know the questions I asked my ex

JJAS: Can you role-play with me?

DBM: What, in your opinion, gave you permission to cheat on me?

JJAS: I felt neglected by you

DBM: Neglected in what sense?

JJAS: You take me for granted. You take our marriage for granted

DBM: Is the affair over?

JJAS: I don’t know

DBM: This should be a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ question

JJAS: Not really

DBM: Meaning, no?

JJAS: The affair is not over

DBM: Will it ever be over between you two?

JJAS: Maybe

DBM: Depending on what?

JJAS: I don’t know, man. Can you go to the next question? I don’t think my wife will ask these ones

DBM: Because you don’t think she’s got the smart?

JJAS: That’s not what I mean

DBM: How do you feel about what you’re doing outside of our marriage?

JJAS: I feel terrible

DBM: Do you even feel guilt?

JJAS: I do. I’m very sorry

DBM: Is this the first time you’re cheating on me?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Is this the truth?

JJAS: Dave, it’s not the truth, but I can’t tell her that

DBM: Why not?

JJAS: It’s gonna make things worse, and I don’t want that

DBM: Well, in this role-play, I am acting as your wife, and I deserve to know the entire story

JJAS: This is not the first time I am cheating on you

DBM: When was the first?

JJAS: While we were dating

DBM: How many times have you been with other women while dating and married to me?

JJAS: 4 to 5 times

DBM: Which is which?

JJAS: Five times, bro

DBM: How many prior to marriage?

JJAS: Just 2

DBM: So, you’ve been with three other women since we married?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Are you a serial cheater?

JJAS: I am not

DBM: How would you define a serial cheater?

JJAS: Serial cheaters are womanizers. I am not a womanizer

DBM: What are you?

JJAS: Next question

DBM: Do you know why I am asking this particular question?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Why?

JJAS: You want to know if you can trust me

DBM: No! I’m asking to figure out whether or not you are capable of changing your behavior.

JJAS: I can change

DBM: How?

JJAS: I know I can change

DBM: What do you really feel about me?

JJAS: I love you very much, and it is unfortunate that this has happened

DBM: What has happened?

JJAS: This

DBM: What is ‘this’?

JJAS: Dave

DBM: Yeah

JJAS: Next question

DBM: Did you think about me while engaging in all ‘this’?

JJAS: Not really

DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how emotionally invested are you into me and our marriage?

JJAS: 10

DBM: It cannot be 10, if you’re having an affair elsewhere

JJAS: Nine?

DBM: Smh!

JJAS: Hmmm!

DBM: Does she know you’re married?

JJAS: She does

DBM: Does she know about me?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: What have you told her about us?

JJAS: She understands that I love my wife and children, and will never leave nor forsake them. She also knows I will not marry any other woman in addition to my wife

DBM: How does she feel about being the other woman?

JJAS: She knows her place and what not to expect from me

DBM: What’s her place?

JJAS: She cannot come between me and you

DBM: She’s already in there, somewhere. Why is she in a relationship with a married man?

JJAS: I can’t answer that question for her

DBM: How does she feel about you?

JJAS: She loves me

DBM: As in, in love?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: For how long has this been going on between you two?

JJAS: Almost three years

DBM: Are you emotionally invested in that relationship?

JJAS: You want the truth?

DBM: Yes please

JJAS: It’s a beautiful relationship that I would love for it to continue for the long haul

DBM: Why?

JJAS: It’s different from what we have

DBM: How different?

JJAS: I don’t think I can explain it like that

DBM: What is she offering you that I am not bringing to the table?

JJAS: She’s always available to me. You have a lot going on with you all the time

DBM: A lot going on with me in what sense?

JJAS: Work, motherhood, complacency, etc. You’re always stressed or tired, etc.

DBM: That is the wrong I did to warrant an affair?

JJAS: That’s not what I am saying

DBM: Does she work?

JJAS: Yes, but she is always making time for me

DBM: I used to make time for you, no?

JJAS: Yes, when we used to date. Now, you’ve changed

DBM: So, that is what she’s doing better than me?

JJAS: Something like that

DBM: How many kids do you have with your wife?

JJAS: 2

DBM: Is this other lady also a mother of two?

JJAS: No

DBM: Has she a child?

JJAS: She’s pregnant

DBM: Are you responsible for the pregnancy?

JJAS: I am

DBM: How easy was it for you to be lying to me?

JJAS: It hasn’t been easy, Dave. It’s a constant battle to tell or not to tell

DBM: Are you in love with her

JJAS: I am

DBM: You see a future with her?

JJAS: I already have a future

DBM: With whom?

JJAS: You

DBM: And, what does it look like?

JJAS: It could be better

DBM: I see

JJAS: What do you see?

DBM: An end to our marriage

JJAS: My wife will not say that

DBM: How do you know?

JJAS: I know her. She believes in marriage and hates raising children outside of marriage.

DBM: Okay!

JJAS: Are you done with the questions?

DBM: I am

JJAS: What would you have done in her shoes?

DBM: I already answered that question

JJAS: When?

DBM: Before you assured me your wife wouldn’t see what I could see

JJAS: An end?

DBM: The END

JJAS: You cannot forgive a mistake? Should every little thing end in divorce?

DBM: Forgiveness is something that only takes place between me and GOD

JJAS: Explain

DBM: When someone I trust, intentionally hurts my feelings, I go to GOD on my knees and work out the forgiveness bit of it. I do not come to you to discuss forgiveness because I want to let you off the hook. I choose to forgive, not because I want to set you free. Only GOD can save you from your deeds.

JJAS: You will not forgive me?

DBM: I choose to forgive simply because GOD wants to set me free

JJAS: Hmmm

DBM: Participant 157, Kerry, left a question for you: ‘If you had Ghs 155,000 in your account, and your husband or wife stole Ghs 15,000 from you, would you be upset and throw all the remaining Ghs 140,000 away in hopes of getting back at your husband or wife? Or move on and live?’

JJAS: I will keep the 140k. It’s better to hold on to something than nothing at all. 15k can be re-made in a couple of years to come.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

JJAS: What can you do to help my wife heal from this confession?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Afeez Ajibola Yusuf