Let’s Talk To Bubune

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 98: I’m Bubune

DBM: Hello Bubune. How would you describe yourself?

Bubune: Born-again husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bubune: Eight out of 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Bubune: I was 29 years old when I married my wife. I did not love her as at that time because I wasn’t ready for love. In hindsight, I would say I was marrying a wife while I still had other girls on my mind. I wasn’t secure in the woman I was marrying; I wasn’t satisfied when we settled for the honeymoon. I knew she loved me more than I liked her because it was supposed to be casual sex with no strings attached. But she got pregnant, and her dad being the Area Head of their church, decided we got married. Abortion was off the table. A wedding was planned in less than three months, and part of our package was to travel outside Ghana, a week after the wedding.

DBM: How did you two know each other?

Bubune: My dad is also a retired Apostle. Our parents were friends

DBM: Okay?

Bubune: When we left the shores of Ghana, I was all my wife had. She doesn’t make friends easily, and she couldn’t relate to my kinds of friends either. Here I was with a woman I did not love and feared hurting her feelings because she would have been devastated.

DBM: Why were you having sex with her – if you did not like her?

Bubune: You mean before marriage?

DBM: Yes

Bubune: She wanted to try sex for the first time. I was one of the few friends she had and could talk to about it. Our friendship wasn’t that tight but she knew she could trust me.

DBM: How old was she?

Bubune: 23 or 24. She knew I did not love her, even on our wedding day, because I had a serious girlfriend – though I was exploring outside the relationship with other girls.

DBM: Yeah, a woman knows when you are not that much into her. She will know when you are not excited about her; when you do not miss or want her; when you do not see a future together with her in it

Bubune: Unfortunately, she did not mind being stuck with me

DBM: Her reasons being?

Bubune: Initially, she thought dependability and monetary refuge could make up for love. I had a good paying job in Canada, and was living the life. She also had the nerve, sanguinity and a hefty amount of hope in her future with me. She told me once, ‘you will learn how to love me one day.’

DBM: Were you her first boyfriend?

Bubune: I think so. She was a virgin when we had sex

DBM: ‘You will learn how to love me one day’. Did you?

Bubune: I did

DBM: At what point did you start realizing it?

Bubune: My text messages with her started putting smiles on my face for no apparent reason. There were no butterflies in my stomach, or anything. All I know is, I could trust her, and tell her everything. I could tell her about the women I was hooking up with, the sex-gone-bad a day or night before; the new girl I thought I was falling in love with or flirting with me, etc.

DBM: Interesting. She wasn’t peeved or jealous?

Bubune: She probably was but I think she denied her feelings of rage and jealousy. She could make fun of me or be cynical to the extent that, I rather begun assuming she didn’t care about me anymore.

DBM: Was how she felt about you significant?

Bubune: I thought it wasn’t till it was

DBM: How did that thought make you feel?

Bubune: Worried and sad. I had hit rock-bottom because her behavior kept me guessing and wanting her not to leave me hanging. She could be aloof and holding back on her true feelings when I was being foolish with other women. It got to a point; I would intentionally have an affair or flirt with ladies for her to see – just to get a reaction, but she wouldn’t show any. She would act normal and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

DBM: Were you happy doing all that?

Bubune: I was lonely, honestly

DBM: You couldn’t have been lonely; you had the affection and attention of others, no?

Bubune: Yeah, but not that of my wife’s. She had lost the interest she used to have in me. And she looked happier

DBM: I’d rather be alone than to be lonely

Bubune: I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be lonely

DBM: So, what did you do?

Bubune: I had to change and build attraction. My wife needed convincing so I became better at getting her attracted to how good I could make her feel.

DBM: You build on a love relationship; you don’t just find one

Bubune: Fact! I started respecting her as my wife and gave her all of my attention. I heard her when she spoke, and I made attempts to understand her concerns. I became very supportive, and invested in her interests and passions. I learnt about them and could stimulate her mind. I took notice of where I stood in her life and our marriage and showed up in my best self. I started having a positive outlook on life in general, and I was happy about it and even proud of myself.

DBM: Vulnerability sometimes involves, offering someone your whole truth without them asking for it

Bubune: I was vulnerable enough to re-align my priorities and self. I recognized where I had gone wrong with my wife, and I made the efforts to make it right by her

DBM: Did she see the effort you were putting into reaching her?

Bubune: She did

DBM: How do you feel about your wife right now?

Bubune: My wife wants me to be for her, so I cheer really hard now. I love her so dearly, I want to continually honor and serve her, give off my best to inspire her and never cease praying for our happiness together as a unit.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Bubune: 26 years

DBM: Oh, wow!

Bubune: Seven out of those years, I did not consider her feelings. I lied and lived a selfish life. And it wasn’t just a fleeting lapse in my judgement

DBM: There are a ton of husbands out there biting the dust with blurred lines in their marriages. What would you tell a wife who is finding it difficult to recover from the pain of betrayal?

Bubune: Every wound has its own way of healing. Heal at your own pace and forgive your husband if he is deserving of your forgiveness. If he keeps showing you that he never really is with you on the journey, do not spend the rest of your life with him. Go solo

Image Credit: Rdne Stock Project