Author: David B

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Let’s Talk To Nat

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 47: I would like to go by Nat

DBM: Hello Nat. How would you describe yourself?

Nat: I am a 37-year-old father with three great kids; I am also a husband. A very generous person, passionate and with the desire to succeed in life through fair means. I am a risk taker and I possess the willingness to do everything for the success of my family.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nat: Hey, can we make it another time please? I have not been feeling well

DBM: Alright! But what’s wrong with you?

Nat: I wanted us to do it but my mind is not fully focused at the moment

DBM: I understand

Nat: I feel I have made a mistake marrying my wife, even though I knew her and have been with her for a while. I had a baby with her before traveling to the States. I didn’t really look at the other side of her being a helper

DBM: Meaning?

Nat: Meaning she isn’t putting in an effort. You know how as a man, you really want to take risks in order to be successful; but when the other partner isn’t buying into those ideas, it becomes frustrating and kind of, drags you backwards.

DBM: I can imagine, hmmm! What kinds of risks do you want to take?

Nat: A lot Dave. I really want to start being my own boss, exploring other adventures; but nothing of that sort is happening. You know life is very short, and I would like to fulfill something in order to achieve much of what I want. I wouldn’t like to say I made a mistake marrying her, but most of the times, that is how I feel.

DBM: Hmmm!

Nat: I have tried talking to her but she has lost a lot of spark that – I can’t really figure out what is really going on

DBM: Do you think she’s also not happy with you, or the marriage?

Nat: I definitely feel so, but you and I know how our communities’ frown on divorce. She isn’t happy, yet she’s scared to let it go. Primarily, it might be based on the kids

DBM: I see

Nat: For sure she’s not happy, but she’s pretending to be, and that is killing me gradually

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Nat: Very good question. Her educational background isn’t great but when I met her, I tried so hard making sure she furthers her education. All attempts failed. She is a beautician now. No disrespect to her career, but I feel she can do more.

DBM: She’s with you in the States?

Nat: Yes. I brought her and my older daughter about three years ago

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I have tried to upgrade her by encouraging her to enroll in classes and stuff, to elevate her to a level where it would be good for the both of us, but all attempts have failed. It’s kind of complicated at the moment. She literally can’t stand or survive on her own, nor take care of herself. She cannot even take good care of the kids; therefore, I feel overburdened. I have to do almost everything in the family.

DBM: What are her interests?

Nat: I wish I can pinpoint what really interests her Dave

DBM: Do you know what she would like or want to do with her life?

Nat: Great question! I have asked her on countless occasions or during our discussions, but she seems not to know what she really wants to do with her life. I had to take risks to get to where I am at the moment. I am successful when it comes to my career. I have been accomplishing things because I want to give my wife and my children a good life. I wish she were on the same level with me. I would have been a happy man

DBM: What made you want to pursue her in marriage?

Nat: She’s was faithful to me even though I didn’t have anything when we met. I was just a student at the time. She wasn’t those types of ladies that would jump from one man to the other, cheating and engaging themselves in those dangerous attitudes. But now, I have realized I want more. I want my wife to be a goal getter, a woman who is not scared to take risks; a lady with a purpose in life. A woman who can support me in ways that can make me feel more relaxed, even when I am not around. Someone who can make decisions that are sound to help our kids and herself, you know?

DBM: No two people are the same. This is what you chose for a wife. How best do you think you can make do with who she is – assuming, she’s never going to change for you?

Nat: Hmmm! That’s a difficult question. I have been trying to psych her up. For instance, she took driving lessons in Ghana, before coming her. She has taken two driving lessons in addition to what she had back home. I knew there wasn’t any improvement, but she forced me to buy her a car. Eventually, I did buy her a brand new 2022 car. Guess what? She can’t drive the car. It is still parked in the garage, and I have been the one driving her around. To and from work. I wish to help her to be independent but I feel her mindset is kind of weak. It’s been a struggle to change or groom her to be who I really want her to be. Anytime she moves the car, she gets into an accident. I really want her to be successful and independent in life, so if I am not around, she can afford to take care of the children.

DBM: That’s understandable. Do you feel your life would be way better without her by your side?

Nat: Sometimes, that is how I feel, but I also feel each person comes with their own luck in our lives. Even though I wasn’t successful before she migrated to the United States, I often feel her luck is also part of the reasons why I am where I am at the moment in life. Some ladies can really ruin one’s life with a lot of bad luck. It could be that I would have been better or not… But I seriously don’t know if she is destined for me. If she is destined for me, then she has to change a little to make me happy as a man, because at this very moment, I am scared for us.

DBM: I heard my mother once tell a man who had come to discuss his plan to divorce his wife, that, ‘a good wife is a man’s covering. She may not be a perfect wife, however, keeping to her can be a good thing – because you obtain favor’

Nat: That is absolutely for sure

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Nat: Yes, I do. I love her for her patience, her respectful nature, her sense of humor, the care and other qualities. But I need her to lift herself to make me proud.

DBM: Are you in love with your wife? I mean, aside the fact that she’s not making you any prouder

Nat: I am not really in love with her

DBM: Are you in love with someone else?

Nat: No!

DBM: Okay!

Nat: I just want her to be the woman I dreamt of, so things can get better for us all.

DBM: Would you want me to recommend a counselor I trust to speak with you?

Nat: That would be wonderful

DBM: I will publish our conversation on Friday, the 27th of January. I will get him to read it, so he gets to have a fair idea of you, and then, you can WhatsApp him afterwards.

Nat: Awesome! Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Thirdman

Let’s Talk To Serwaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 9 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 46: Serwaa

DBM: Hi Serwaa. How would you describe yourself

Serwaa: I am 43 years of age, mother of a teenage girl, wife and God’s child. I do not take anything for granted; I choose my words carefully, and I love life

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Serwaa: I want to share the surprise I found in my ‘For better or for worse’ vow.

DBM: Tell me about it

Serwaa: A year and a half into our marriage, my husband suffered a terminal illness that rendered him disabled. Before he became incapacitated, we found out I was pregnant.

DBM: How long ago?

Serwaa: 16 years now.

DBM: How is your husband doing?

Serwaa: He’s alive, but still under my care. Nothing really has changed, and I have been taking care of him and our daughter.

DBM: Oh, wow!

Serwaa: The last time I had sex with a man was 16 years ago, and it was with my husband, before he became ill.

DBM: Hmmm!

Serwaa: I signed up for it, ‘In sickness and in health…’ but I’d be lying if I say it’s a walk in the park. It’s a responsibility I never imagined I could be prepared for. I am physically exhausted a lot of the time; I am often depressed, and sad. Sometimes, I get angry for no reason; I get scared of either losing him or me losing my mind due to the overwhelming mixed emotions.

DBM: Why do you sometimes get angry?

Serwaa: Dave, I feel like he has taken away my dream to be happily married. His condition has taken away 16 years of our relationship; our intimacy and fun times. He’s also missed out on being a father to our baby girl.

DBM: Is he conscious enough to understand what is happening around him?

Serwaa: He can’t talk, he can’t walk but he can hear us. He tries to smile and nod gently sometimes when we engage him in a conversation. He sees us

DBM: I can only imagine what you have been dealing with

Serwaa: It’s not been easy

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Serwaa: I know I love the man I married very much, but I have caught myself on several occasions wishing he were not here, so I could move on with my life. There is nothing really ongoing between us. I have been more of a caregiver, than being a wife for 16 years. As a woman, I sometimes feel I deserve to get some well-deserved break from all this.

DBM: Do you receive any external assistance in taking care of him?

Serwaa: In the early years of his illness, some family members of his and friends used to come around to help with the cleaning and shopping and cooking, etc. But they all stopped after a year or two. One thing this experience has thought me is that, people are not always going to be there for you. We need to learn to handle situations on our own, because I had to learn how to quickly get back to my senses – and not have to be depending on people.

DBM: What is your current state of mind?

Serwaa: I’ve been keeping a close eye on myself and my mental health of course. I make sure I am active, and because my daughter and I take turns in the caring of her father, I am able to get plenty of rest. We eat well too, all three of us.

DBM: I see. I am glad you are not the only one providing care for him

Serwaa: Same here

DBM: Do his other family members live nearby?

Serwaa: Most of them are here in Accra

DBM: Do they, at least get to spend time with him even though they’re not helping in the provision of care?

Serwaa: Once in a while they call or pass through for an hour or two to check on how we are doing?

DBM: What kind of activities or hobbies does your husband love to enjoy?

Serwaa: He loves to look me directly in the eye. He looks very happy whenever it’s our daughter’s turn to attend to him. He loves gospel music. In fact, he’s his happiest when he hears a gospel song. Dave, maybe you can sing me a gospel song one of these days, so I let him watch. I love the way you sing.

DBM: What type of gospel music moves him?

Serwaa: Foreign songs.

DBM: I will do just that for you. I’m already thinking of ‘GOODNESS OF GOD’ by CeCe Winans. Have you heard that song?

Serwaa: Dave, that’s perfect.

DBM: Hehehehe!

Serwaa: Thank you! Oh, I almost forgot, he also loves rubbing the cats

DBM: Nice. What do you see in his eyes when he stares at you?

Serwaa: Love and respect. He cares about me; it’s written all over him. He’s always finding a reason to smile a lot too, whenever he looks over my way

DBM: You make him happy

Serwaa: Maybe…

DBM: People say, ‘GOD is good’ all the time. Do you think through it all, GOD has been good to you?

Serwaa: Your question is making me want to cry

DBM: Why is that?

Serwaa: Oh David, you’re making me cry at work. I wasn’t expecting this

DBM: It’s all good, Serwaa; it’s all good

Serwaa: For 16 years, I’ve lived in fear and anxiety; emotional unrest and so much uncertainty. I know God has been good to me, my husband and our daughter; even when he seems distant, or money is short. I am not living in my dreamed marriage but God is good. Come what may, I am prepared to embrace anything and everything.

DBM: What kind of man was your husband, prior to his situation?

Serwaa: The type that would protect me from anything that endangered my well-being. He used to talk to me on a daily basis; he shared with me all that made him happy. He talked about me to his friends and family, and they could feel his excitement. I knew I made him very happy; he used to make me glad too.

DBM: What would you do if his situation never changes?

Serwaa: I will accept my fate fully, because I can’t change what is happening to him. No one knows what’s going to happen to us next. I don’t understand what is going on but for the meantime, I’d want my understanding to take the back seat – while I choose to live with what I’ve been given.

DBM: Even if what you’ve been given is clearly, a closed door?

Serwaa: Dave, if I turn around, I see open windows. A beautiful blessing came out of this ‘closed door’, and she’s the love of our lives. She’s smart, caring, happy, lovely and everything a daughter has to be. I have a good paying job that enables me to take very good care of my husband and daughter. I don’t beg for bread. Also, my husband is not difficult to handle. His situation stresses me out alright, but he as a person does not give me problems.

DBM: Are you the right woman for your husband?

Serwaa: I am. I want more, for sure but we journey on till death do us part.

DBM: Thank you for getting in touch.

Image Credit: Alexandre Saraiva Carniato

Let’s Talk To Larry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 45: I am Larry

DBM: Hello Larry. Please tell me a little about yourself

Larry: I am my family’s provider, and I make sure that the financial needs of my wife, children and the home is met. I am my family’s protector, and I make sure I am available to any of them should they feel anxious or threatened. I have made it my mission to not put the name, image or reputation of any member of my family to shame. In our home, I am the interpreter of our moral code. I lead by example, first as a man, husband and father. I have been married for 29 years to the same woman, and we have four children together. I am a Nephrologist

DBM: Who is a Nephrologist?

Larry: A doctor that diagnosis and treats diseases that affect the kidneys. We also treat patients with illnesses that can lead to kidney failure or its related diseases.

DBM: Interesting. What do you want to talk about?

Larry: I want to make a suggestion to women. Guys are not perfect; we cannot be perfect, but we can be loyal. We can be caring. We can be respectful. We can be kind. My suggestion is, make sure the man you are with, or the man you seek is all that and more.

DBM: Why should a woman opt for loyalty?

Larry: A loyal person will not think twice to inform you that he loves his wife and children. A man who is loyal doesn’t speak negatively about his wife to others. We choose our wives above every other woman or man we might be interested in. We follow through with our wedding vows and stick to it, no matter what. We are not ashamed to be faithful to our spouses; it’s not even a challenge; it’s not a difficulty; it’s not an obligation… It’s our everyday lifestyle because we believe in who we are, HONEST men by every standard measurable. And we give off this characteristic freely

DBM: Why should a woman choose a man who is caring?

Larry: A man who is caring is the right man because he relieves you off the burden of investing so much of your energy, compassion, love and effort into the relationship. Our actions put your instincts to rest, because we are focused on what is important to us, YOU. We don’t mind inconveniencing ourselves for the short while just to see you experience what you feel is best for you. You see us, and it’s like your dreams have come true – because we want to do anything to make your dreams come true. We know this, when we see that smile on your face, every day.

DBM: What is the relevance of a respectful man?

Larry: I respect my wife because I do not forget about her in my daily activities. I have not cheated on my wife all these years because I carry her along the way in my heart, and in my mind. She is the singlet I wear under my shirt; she’s the boxer shorts I put on before wearing my trousers. She’s the socks that fits in my shoes. I respect my wife because she’s the only woman I want to be with. She’s an important part of my life, and I want to be a significant part of her life. We are intentional when it comes to not doing anything our wives wouldn’t approve of, because we don’t want them to lose their respect for us. A man who respects you loves you. Dave, I love my wife, and I fear making a wrong decision that could affect her deeply. She accepts my good, she accepts my bad, but I want to be a better person every day, so she can be proud of me.

DBM: So, you’re basically doing everything possible to please your wife, no?

Larry: It’s not about pleasing her. At work, I see a lot of the nurses and junior staffs attempting to make us happy. I don’t think they realize it, but they seek our approval somehow. Our job is already demanding, and so trying to please others other than yourself – takes too much energy. I am a doctor because I WANT to be a doctor; It has nothing to do with what my parents or friends expected of me. For me, a BS/MD program best fit my interest and long term goals. I have always been passionate about medicine and helping people. It’s the same with marriage; my desire is to make it work with my wife, so we can enjoy the journey together. She’s doing her part of the agreement; I am doing my part of the agreement, and so far, we’ve gotten better results.

DBM: What are the results?

Larry: A peaceful home; a happy wife; the happy me and happy children. When I think of what I share with my wife, I get more vitality, passion and interest in achieving more for our marriage, so we can enjoy each other.

DBM: She’s your priority

Larry: Numéro un. And I am very patient when dealing with her

DBM: You talked about kindness

Larry: I think my wife and I did good in our choices, because we decided to be kind to each other. We are both decent and considerate. No, it’s not been easy: we have nursed our sore egos together, and we have decided to hold our hearts out in front of each other – with the hope that we wouldn’t crush it in our fists. A kind heart will hold yours dear to theirs. Being just kind doesn’t make me weak; it doesn’t make me vulnerable. I am not foolish because I am kind; I am not reckless. And it has nothing to do with being phony. I am the man I want to be in my marriage. I am the man I want to be for my wife. My actions are always within my control because I want my wife to feel safe and seen.

DBM: This is actually good. I don’t think I have any more questions

Larry: All I am trying to say is, being with such people is a blessing. I have not let my wife down; I have no intention of leaving her, even during a darker time in her life. I am a responsible man, and I will struggle along with her to make sure things are better between us.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ono Kosuki

Let’s Talk To Friday

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 44: Friday

DBM: Hi Friday. Please tell me a little about yourself

Friday: Can we skip this part?

DBM: Why do you want to skip it?

Friday: There is not much to tell

DBM: I want to have an idea of you

Friday: I’m a guy

DBM: Married?

Friday: Yes

DBM: You have kids?

Friday: Yes

DBM: How long have you been married?

Friday: Nine years

DBM: How old are you?

Friday: 40

DBM: Nice meeting you. What do you want to talk about?

Friday: Two things: I just saw my wife’s original birth certificate. She’s the same age as me; meanwhile she’s made me believe for all these years that she’s seven years younger than me. The second issue: she has a child I didn’t know about. He is 11 years old and lives with his father. My wife is in communication with her baby-daddy, and I have been paying for this child’s fees and taking care of the boy and his father without my knowledge.

DBM: With regards to the birth certificate thing, couldn’t you easily guess her age at a glance?

Friday: Have you met my wife? You can never know by looking at her. She’s nowhere near old

DBM: I see, but did you choose to assume she was younger or she put a number to her age?

Friday: She’s the one who lied about her age when we started dating

DBM: Has she confirmed the existence of an 11-year-old son to you?

Friday: Yes, after confronting her with evidence

DBM: Where did you find such evidence?

Friday: I read through a series of texts on her phone, which revealed that they had a past, have a present and future. I had her followed afterwards.

DBM: This is a lot to deal with

Friday: I know Dave, cry me a river, because she has been sleeping with her son’s father – all throughout our marriage.

DBM: No!

Friday: Yes!

DBM: But why would she do such a thing to you?

Friday: She says her baby-daddy is the guy who brings out her confident, sexy self, and she doesn’t know how to stop loving him because she’s deeply connected to him.

DBM: What do you bring to her life?

Friday: Security, comfort, and love. She says that’s why she fell in love with me too

DBM: Why would the first guy allow her to be married to you, if they’re still an item?

Friday: I was their financial gateway

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Friday: I don’t know if my children are mine

DBM: Have you asked your wife?

Friday: She claims they’re mine but I don’t believe a single word coming out of her mouth.

DBM: Do they look like they’re yours?

Friday: I don’t know.

DBM: Have you asked how many times they’ve been sleeping together?

Friday: Twice a week

DBM: For how long?

Friday: Since we started dating.

DBM: Have you spoken to the guy?

Friday: The three of us had a sit down

DBM: Whose idea was this?

Friday: Mine

DBM: Why?

Friday: I wanted to understand what was going on

DBM: Do you understand what’s going on?

Friday: Yes, I’ve been played big time, but my wife is still insisting she’s very much in love with me.

DBM: She’s that much into the other guy too?

Friday: Yes!

DBM: And, he’s that much into her?

Friday: Yes! But he also revealed he’s in love with another lady – to my wife’s surprise.

DBM: Why was she surprised?

Friday: Probably thought she was the only one he was doing it with

DBM: Is your wife the only woman in your life?

Friday: Honestly?

DBM: Truthfully

Friday: No!

DBM: Who else is there?

Friday: Just this one lady

DBM: You love her?

Friday: Very much!

DBM: You love your wife?

Friday: So very much

DBM: Does she know about this other woman?

Friday: No!

DBM: Why not?

Friday: Because she’s also the mother of my child

DBM: This is before or after meeting your wife?

Friday: That was just four years ago

DBM: And, how old is the child?

Friday: Two years

DBM: Where is your wife right now?

Friday: At work

DBM: No, I mean where did she sleep last night?

Friday: In our bed

DBM: You’re going to let it slide?

Friday: If our children are mine, I might forgive her

DBM: If they’re not?

Friday: I will divorce her

DBM: So, till then, she’s still fulfilling her wifely duties?

Friday: Yes

DBM: Including sex?

Friday: Yes!

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with your wife?

Friday: This dawn

DBM: Is she still seeing the other guy?

Friday: I don’t know

DBM: Do you care to know?

Friday: I think they still talk or meet, but cannot be sure about sex

DBM: Does it bother you?

Friday: I don’t think about it

DBM: Why not?

Friday: I just don’t

DBM: Are you feeling uninterested because you are torn between what you are secretly doing on your wife’s blindside?

Friday: I love my wife, that’s why I am not sure I can hold it against her.

DBM: Assuming you had been faithful to your wife all this while, and then discovered this hot mess; would you be speaking the same language?

Friday: I don’t know. What I know is, I am going to learn how to restore my trust in her all over again.

DBM: How do you understand love?

Friday: I believe love is a choice I make

DBM: I agree

Friday: Looking at what I am dealing with at home, I don’t think I fell in love with my wife. I doubt she fell in love with me too

DBM: How do you mean?

Friday: I mean we chose to instead open our hearts to each other. I opened my heart to her, and she did too, so we could see the beauty in each other. I am doing same with my baby-momma; she’s doing that with her son’s father. We are all feeling vulnerable in our respective relationships, and with our selves. We’ve allowed our guards to drop, so our hearts can open – in order to give ourselves permission to feel, love and be loved back.

DBM: That is love?

Friday: That is love for me. I get to love another woman, aside loving my wife. She’s also loving me, while connecting in love with her son’s father.

DBM: Does that mean we all have the potential to love more than just one person?

Friday: It’s actually up to the people involved and the decisions they make concerning what makes them feel good, and their capacity level.

DBM: Capacity-level in which sense?

Friday: In my case, I have the resources to manage more than one woman in my life. I have the energy to meet their physical and emotional needs; I also have their time and can make time for all involved. Both of my relationships are grounded in a solid love for one another.

Image Credit: Nothing Ahead

Let’s Talk To Person

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 43: My name is Person

DBM: Hello Person. Please tell me a little about yourself

Person: I see myself to be a complete woman; beautiful, intelligent, interesting; can handle my own business, a mother of two and a wife

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Person: My husband has become so critical and hurtful towards me lately. Everything I do for myself, he has an opinion about it, and it’s usually negative.

DBM: What do you mean by ‘everything I do for myself?’

Person: Dave, I always want to make a good impression when I step out of my house. I put in a lot of effort into making myself presentable; and people notice me. My makeup is always on point; I dress to ‘kill’ and smell damn good; I take very good care of my skin too. My husband sees me in a cute outfit, and the first thing he tells me is, ‘Too much paint on your face.’ Paint = makeup in his vocabulary. He sees my flawless skin, and he’s like ‘Stop bleaching. You used to be dark and pretty’. He will never tell me I look good in a dress, rather ‘Who are you trying to please at the office?’. He makes sure to ruin my good vibes anytime he sees me feeling myself and body.

DBM: What is your motivation to want to look good?

Person: I love who I am, and I want to feel good all the time. I am motivated and productive whenever I dress to impress myself, but my husband can look me in the eye and tell me, I don’t look beautiful – all because I have makeup on my face. David, me being beautiful isn’t only about my looks; I come with the right attitude to match my appearance. Why should outsiders and strangers, men and women alike – tell me I look gorgeous every day, while the man whose compliment should matter to me the most, only finds faults about me to talk about?

DBM: He has never given you a compliment?

Person: He used to, years ago.

DBM: So, what changed?

Person: That’s what I am trying to find out. I asked him why he’s become so negative lately and he says he is not being negative; he’s just trying to tell me the truth others aren’t bold to say to my face.

DBM: Which people in your circle usually compliment your looks?

Person: Colleagues at work, church members, our neighbors; my best friends, my husband’s colleagues; his own mother and siblings, people I don’t know from anywhere. The list goes on.

DBM: And, you believe they tell you the truth and would not be just saying anything to make you feel fly?

Person: Our pastor’s wife asks me for fashion tips and how to apply makeup; my sister-in-law trusts my opinion to the extent that, she hired my expertise to handle her wardrobe and makeup throughout her wedding ceremony last year. And this same husband couldn’t believe his own sister could look that beautiful on her wedding day. His mother asked me to make her up on her daughter’s wedding. Everyone else wears makeup, and my husband will find them to be beautiful. Let me buy a new body lotion for myself; out of nowhere my husband’s spiritual gift to point out what is wrong with me will speak to break my heart.

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Person: I just remembered he called off a night out with me last week, because I refused to change my clothes to wear something ‘simple’. What he calls ‘simple’ is not something I am comfortable wearing. I am who I am; what I choose to wear shouldn’t define me.

DBM: Indeed!

Person: He thinks my life is all about me, and I don’t do as much to meet his needs.

DBM: Do you meet your husband’s needs?

Person: I do. I cook for the house, I clean; I respect him as my man and father of our children. I don’t deny him sex, I support the home financially. We are doing alright so far as a team. The only issue we still argue about is my refusal to dress like a slut for him in our bedroom. He’s bought these slutty clothes he expects me to be wearing in the bedroom. I don’t like them, and so I don’t wear it. And he gets mad at me all the time.

DBM: Describe your husband to me

Person: Control freak, great father, arrogant, hardworking, educated and selfish

DBM: Do you think he loves you?

Person: I know he loves me, but I am not afraid to be single if that is what is going to take for me to take his pressure off me

DBM: You feel pressured?

Person: His kind of pressure wants to take me out of my own skin. He wants me to deny myself what makes me feel good and alive and beautiful. He thinks because I am his wife, I have to do things to only make him happy and pleased.

DBM: Was he like this when you first started dating?

Person: He wasn’t doing anything to make me feel this uncomfortable.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Person: 11 years

DBM: As a wife, it’s your duty to satisfy your husband’s visual nature, and this connects to his sex drive.

Person: I will not put on anything that will make me feel uncomfortable. I respect the choices my husband makes for himself; I demand respect in return. If he is not proud to have me as his wife, then I may also not know how to treat him as my man

DBM: You mentioned that he thinks you are bleaching. Are you?

Person: Dave, my style of looking beautiful is entirely my choice. I do not need my husband’s permission to live my life and frame it according to my wants and needs. It’s my body, and I have every right to shape it up to my self-satisfaction.

DBM: That makes sense

Person: Every woman is beautiful. It’s rather unfortunate not every man has the eye to discover this.

DBM: I concur

Person: In the early years of our relationship, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We had a healthy sex life, and it was frequent and marvelous, though it wasn’t the best of the best. I love sex, and Dave, I know the taste of good sex. I have been with men who go beyond 35 minutes for their erection to last once intercourse begins. So, imagine me settling for what my husband can offer in bed, which is less than a quarter of what I have been used to. I have never complained about it to him, though I know it’s not working for me. Instead of him criticizing my makeup, dressing and skin tone, why is he not finding out what he can rather do to make me feel as good as he feels when he cums?

Image Credit: Kampus Production

Let’s Talk To Apor Part 2

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Apor, thank you for agreeing to a second interview

Apor: Good news! 😁

DBM: Can she cook?

Apor: She loves to cook 😁

DBM: You’re funny. Lol! I am happy to know

Apor: I’m happy for me

DBM: Smh! 😊

Apor: My date went well

DBM: Tell me all about it

Apor: First, I was very fulfilled because she seems to have something equally going on with her life. She knows herself and what makes her happy

DBM: What brings her joy?

Apor: She’s a teacher, and she says whenever she sees her students light up because they’d understood something she was teaching, that, for her, is everything

DBM: That’s nice to know

Apor: Yeah!

DBM: Did you have fun on Wednesday?

Apor: I did. She made me feel like I could be myself. At a point, it did not even occur to me that we were two strangers getting to know each other. I wasn’t concerned about where the boundaries were because I could speak freely about anything, and make jokes about everything. It felt like I was with an old friend.

DBM: And she felt same?

Apor: I think so. When I got home after the date, I was staring at my phone wondering what to say to her next.

DBM: Hehehehe! Did you message her?

Apor: No. I needed time to reflect on the date.

DBM: Did she reach out to you that evening?

Apor: No!

DBM: Wait, as in, none of you texted to find out whether or not you had safely gotten home?

Apor: We didn’t.

DBM: Why didn’t you?

Apor: I assumed she was home and safe.

DBM: Smh! Is she worth a second date?

Apor: We went on date number two yesterday.

DBM: Oh my! You’ve been busy 😊

Apor: She made me laugh, and I think her sense of humor matches mine. We talked with each other for so long, we didn’t realize five hours had passed. Dave, to be honest, I didn’t want the date to end

DBM: Awww!  You feel you’re attracted to her?

Apor: I am. We made a lot of eye contact, and held hands on many occasions. We hugged for like one million hours when it was time to go our separate ways.

DBM: I am very happy for you.

Apor: Thank you!

DBM: What did you talk about?

Apor: We talked about our lives, jobs, families, friends, food 😁

DBM: Hehehehe! What’s her favorite food?

Apor: Banku with grilled tilapia, and hot pepper

DBM: Lol!

Apor: She looked so beautiful on Wednesday and Saturday.

DBM: You really were paying attention to her

Apor: I didn’t want to miss a thing.

DBM: Good for you

Apor: I have a question

DBM: Ask

Apor: When do I start taking our conversation to a sexual place?

DBM: Did your first date involve anything sexual?

Apor: No!

DBM: Prior to Wednesday’s and Saturday’s meet, were you texting anything sexual with her?

Apor: No!

DBM: Then, you haven’t traversed that borderline yet.

Apor: But I can’t stop thinking about it

DBM: If sex is on your mind, then don’t be afraid to raise it in one of your conversations with her. If she’s on the same page as you, she would follow your lead.

Apor: But how do I start without sending the wrong message?

DBM: What’s her name?

Apor: Adjoa

DBM: ‘Adjoa, I’ve been thinking about you the whole of this morning’

Apor: But she’s in church

DBM: And so?

Apor: What if she asks what about her, I have been thinking about?

DBM: What do you want to do to her?

Apor: Dave, Lol!

DBM: Yes?

Apor: Okay, what about I want to kiss her?

DBM: That’s sexy, I think.

Apor: Are you sure?

DBM: So far as it’s going to create the impression that, you’d still want to get to know her better with your clothes on, that’s totally okay – in my opinion.

Apor: But do you think she’s also thinking the same?

DBM: Women love sex as much as men do

Apor: Even after a second date?

DBM: You wouldn’t know until you ask if she’s okay with sexting.

Image Credit: K Makhasette

Let’s Talk To Cleo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 42: Cleo

DBM: Hi Cleo. Please tell me a little about yourself

Cleo: I’m a naughty, saved-by-Grace lady; a wife, a mom; in my late 30’s and a corporate lady

DBM: Hehehehe! What do you want to talk about? 😊

Cleo: Life and the decision to love

DBM: What’s your life’s story?

Cleo: I was brought up in a strict middle-class Pentecostal home and family; one of the extremely intelligent girls in class, and a talker. I started dating after university, and I have had my share of heartbreaks. Life wasn’t easy but it wasn’t difficult either. I learnt from an early stage in life, how to work to make ends meet for me.

DBM: What influenced your choice of a husband?

Cleo: Eii Dave, you won’t believe me if I tell you

DBM: Tell me😁

Cleo: Kk… Let’s start from the beginning; I was dating another man, actually engaged to be married. But I always knew we won’t work out. So, I called it quits, three months to my wedding. I was 32 then. On my 32nd birthday, I prayed to God and I asked Him for a husband. I gave God a checklist of what I wanted in a husband, and admitted that I’d done things my way and it hadn’t work out, and so this time round, it was His way through and through. I covenanted to desist from things that He God didn’t approve of.

I stopped talking to all other men, and I met my husband a year after. A month after my 33rd birthday, I told God I wanted a man that loved Him much more than anything else, and I knew if he loved God, he’ll love me. Dave, I chose my husband because he loves God.

DBM: GOD aside, were you in love with him?

Cleo: Dave, I decided to love him.

DBM: What do you believe love is?

Cleo: Love is a decision, not a feeling; a daily decision to choose the other person over and over again, above one self. Love is thoughtful and kind. Love doesn’t keep account of wrongs, it’s not rude.

DBM: What is wrong with the scenario whereby each spouse decides to put themselves first?

Cleo: Then they don’t love their spouse. They may feel something, but I don’t it would be love. Putting yourself first before your spouse means you don’t love your spouse.

DBM: How do you express love?

Cleo: I’m an intentional person, I always want to satisfy the person I love. My acts towards the person are clear; no ambiguity; no need to infer. It’s clear as possible. I always try to express my love to my husband through his love language.

DBM: How do you handle the unexpected and change?

Cleo: I don’t like change much, but I’ve learnt to embrace it. Change is the only constant in life; there’s no progress without change.

DBM: True! Can you deal with him doing things without you, in respect to his need for privacy?

Cleo: We have an open, honest marriage. I give him privacy when he requires, but he eventually tells me what’s going on. He’s never taken a decision that would affect our family without informing me. I’ve never thought of such a situation

DBM: Do you know all the ways your husband says, ‘I love you’? This is in reference to your language

Cleo: I’m easy; my love language is words of affirmation and quality time. He tells me sweet things all the time. But he loves surprises, and he’s always planning ways to wow my mind.

DBM: 😊 How important is sex to you?

Cleo: Very. It was the third on my checklist; my husband had to be great in bed

DBM: Lol! Do you believe love can last forever?

Cleo: Of course, Dave. Love is a decision, as long as you decide to love the person, it can last forever. You can love someone all the time, but that doesn’t mean you like the person all the time

DBM: True! Each and every day, marriages are being touched by the brokenness of this world. Do you see your marriage to be existing and functioning as GOD intended?

Cleo: Exactly as God intended. We surrender our marriage to God every day; my husband is my head, as Christ is his head, and I submit to my husband not because I want to, but because it’s a command from God. I have to admit, submitting to my husband is very easy; he makes it very easy for me.

DBM: I see. That’s good to know. How will you handle it if you drift apart?

Cleo: Dave, it won’t happen. God will not allow it. God is not a man that He should lie. He knows the plans He has for me; they are of good, not of evil; to prosper and bring me to an expected end. Drifting apart is not part of God’s plans for my marriage.

DBM: Noted! How do you keep the ‘love light’ burning when the romance seems to be dimming?

Cleo: I find ways to give him more of my love. I know what he likes; he loves a serene, well-kept environment that smells good, and I take time out of my busy schedule to provide that for him. Dave, I believe love isn’t about what you get, but what you’re willing to give.

DBM: Speak to us about your belief in ‘love not being about what you get, but what you’re willing to give’

Cleo: Love is evidenced by giving; the proof of love is what you’re willing to give the person. Most of us look at what we get from the person. I’m not saying love should be one sided or unrequited; what I’m saying is the couple should be willing to each give off the 100% of themselves to the other. The manufacturer of life has a manual for life, and in His manual, He demonstrated the highest form of love by sacrificing His only begotten son, so He could reconcile us to Himself.

Now that’s the truest expression of love. Love enjoys giving, it enjoys taking; love is a communication, a communication that the two of us are of one purpose. As long as you’ve chosen that person to receive your love, you give off your best and all. It’s best if you meet someone who shares that same energy with you. I once heard in a movie, and that was before I got married, that ‘for a marriage to work, both partners have to apply the 80:20 rule; you love your spouse 80% whilst you reserve the 20% for yourself and your spouse does same.

Our generation is missing out on love because there’s a culture of receiving without us thinking of what we can give. Instead, we look at the love we receive before we reciprocate, and that’s not helping.

Image Credit: Godisable Jacob

Let’s Talk To Thoughts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 41: Thoughts

DBM: Hello Thoughts. Please tell me a little about yourself

Thoughts: A father of two, thoughtful and a liberalist.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Thoughts: I want to talk about you. I want to talk about life; I want to talk about my brain’s processes; and last but not least, talk about children.

DBM: You want to talk about me?

Thoughts: Strange? No one has made that proposal yet, I guess?

DBM: It’s a first. Lol!

Thoughts: In my brain’s processes, I like leaving very lasting impressions on whoever I engage, so yes!

DBM: What about me do you want to talk about?

Thoughts: Why do you do all that you do? You sing, cook, review CVs; get into people’s personal spaces, ‘lead them on’ and appear as though you will like to pass a verdict on them. I like it anyways.

DBM: I am not a sociable person. My life is lived within my reach: work, home, communications with one or two close friends on phone; sometimes chatting with my siblings and parents; dedicating three hours of my time daily – for Facebook, and I am good to go. That has been my routine forever. I love the whole idea of knowing people, without necessarily, getting close to them. And, I do this to understand others, while at the same time facilitating the process of socialization for me.

Thoughts: I see traces of me in you, and the things you do. I like to get close to people and know them, what forms their thoughts and their backgrounds; but someway somehow, I like to get close in person and not from a distance. I like random stuff, and I barely plan. I only set a few doable and achievable goals, and then I allow the rest to flow, while going with the energies.

DBM: Indeed! There is always that probability of seeing and understanding situations from different perspectives. Agreed!

Thoughts: I’m a husband and I love my family. I’m not sure if I’m complete in my marriage, and I think and believe no one person ever completes the other. Different people may and will fill different spaces for you at different times of your life; what you do with and about it is just a matter of choice and must not come with regrets.

DBM: You’re so right!

Thoughts: Having agreed to this, do you then agree we are not made for just one person? Mathematics will call it mapping. One to many mappings.

DBM: I choose to have a reason to live for me, because there is more to life than love. I am my own person, with or without a significant other. And I am creating a life that fulfills me; not just in a love life, but my entire life. I am putting effort into my hopes and dreams, and that involves other people; people who will ultimately become important to me, somewhat. No one is made for just one person, but we have the choice to stick with the one whose presence in our lives makes it all worth the while. I have created enough room for the love of my life, and everything else that will matter to me as time goes on.

Thoughts: How did you manage through your time with the G5 (SL, Ginger, J4 etc.). Those girls are intelligent and wild. I will like for your readers to know what you go through also.

DBM: I found those ladies to be interesting. I’d want to believe, time is of the essence to them, and they’re reluctant to waste it on someone or something that isn’t worthy of their time. They also seem to have gotten better at making abrupt judgements and decisions, and have learned how to quickly move on – in their line of activities.

Thoughts: How did you fair with them? What was going through your mind the entire time?

DBM: I was actually excited about them. They gave me the opportunity to look at things, and life in general – from a point of view other than my own. I felt comfortable around them, probably why we could interact. I was also attuned to the fact that, though these ladies may not have shared my personal views and beliefs of life and living it, that was their experience and stories. We all can’t live the same lifestyle because we are different; reason why I was open-minded and respectful to their hustle.

Thoughts: I for one am attracted (sexually, emotionally and mentally) to older, intelligent women. I realized this just after my marriage, and nooooo, my wife is three years younger than my 36-year-old self. They emit a blend of calmness and the typical woman drama. I am yet to encounter any of such. The G5, as I call them, really exhibited control, self-awareness, support for each other and desire to LIVE. I have a service provision for them. No, not sexual; I can’t afford them.

DBM: Smh!

Thoughts: I feel LIFE is not being lived, and that includes me. At least, I have started enjoying mine with the different business lines I have started. People LIVE to satisfy others and not themselves; sadly, the women are worse at this. They school, work, marry, have children and die in marriages, just to satisfy other people (be it family, friends or people who care less about them).

DBM: How long is your ‘now’?

Thoughts: Reference to loving my life? Say, 2021 December …

DBM: Yes, we can start with that

Thoughts: I used to work a 9 to 5 job with a foreign company. My country Director is about three years older than me. He had struggled to live his life for himself. Even as a boss, his immediate subordinate controlled him somewhat. In Dec. 2021, I said to myself, I can’t grow older and wish for things I could have done when I had the chance to, and so for a start, I resigned from my job. I held a managerial position, and enjoyed good money; but I walked away from it all.

DBM: Do you ‘work to live’ or ‘live to work’?

Thoughts: I do both, David. And I find a good balance of both. ‘If you no work, you no go live; and if you live, you for work’… I heard a mad man say this when I was eight years old, and it has stuck with me for all these years

DBM: Hehehehe! It makes a lot of sense

Thoughts: It does

DBM: We all know life is short, but why do you think many of us would rather pursue things we may not entirely like, and like the other many things we may not necessarily be doing?

Thoughts: JUDGEMENT. We live in a society full of prejudicial people. People who think ‘your sins are dirtier than mine’.

DBM: Hmmm!

Thoughts: Example, look at the G5 ladies and the experiences they shared. Following the comments, you can understand this assertion – and yet these are people who in their minds would wish to enjoy such controls these LADIES have. Sister Lydia’s hubby doesn’t like her friends and thinks they are bad influence. If you speak with him and he’s open enough, you will see his ‘sins’ also; but yes, because it’s not like the G5, he doesn’t like them.

DBM: You make a good point. In your opinion, do you think we tend to hold onto certain things that could holding us back, as a people?

Thoughts: With no concrete numbers, I think a huge amount of people live with regrets and hurt. Men will see women they find attractive, and may want to have sex with them; same as women. Just do a survey of it and see the verdict; but they are unable to express their thoughts because of the same PHENOMENON.

DBM: Indeed!

Thoughts: And this applies to everyone and every aspect of life. David, I know for sure that you have had to shelf certain things of yours in the past or even now because of same.

DBM: Yes! I have my own issues I deal with by the day

Thoughts: Danke! I cook too, David. I cook for myself, my family and my acquaintances. My mother taught me well.

DBM: That’s nice to know. Has this skill in any way, enhanced your life as a family man?

Thoughts: It has, especially during the covid lock downs. My wife is an essential worker, and so she was away a lot of the time. I easily went through it. Particularly, having a one-year-old baby. This morning, on our drive to school, my daughter told her brother, ‘Daddy is our driver and our favorite cook’.

DBM: Awww! Isn’t that nice to know?

Thoughts: I have realized that when it comes to marriage and children, people misapply themselves. People plan their weddings so well, and sometimes loose themselves in the process. Other times they plan how to space their children. However, they never plan parenting, and in the process get lost in the whole act. They make choices for these children which are not very informed. Example: school and education, clothes and toys, style and fashion, language and communication. We need to pick up the conversations on these topics else, you and I and many of our contemporaries will have a very difficult pensions and retirements.

DBM: What’s your take on parenting?

Thoughts: Parenting must be intentional, David. We must look into the full development of our children. What goes into their heads and their stomachs. Sadly, the Gen Z and millennial style of parenting focuses a lot on the style and fashion of their children than the very important part; the clothes they wear, the shoes and how they expose the children to any content provided it looks ‘animated’. The use of devices is a trend now. A four-year-old child can be seen buried on phone or tablet for hours, and the excuse they sometimes craftily give is, ‘we are in a tech world now’.

DBM: Lol! I have seen and heard that before.

Thoughts: We will soon have robots who cannot think managing us in our retirements.

DBM: Hmmmm!

Thoughts: David, we are happy and glad when kids speak all the nice English and can express themselves at ages three to four etc. And yet, we wait till five to six, or sometimes eight years to look into their reading difficulties. If the child can speak at three years, they can read at three years too.

DBM: I concur!

Thoughts: My kids did it, right here in Ghana; three years and they were reading sentences. The white kids are not the only smart kids. We have to be intentional with the very important things for the kids.

DBM: Indeed!

Thoughts: And they have some level of appreciation for what they have read, because I engage them in conversations based on what they have read. It is not magic and it doesn’t take years. Maximum, five minutes; and it must be consistent.

DBM: Do you see yourself to be maintaining a home you are proud of?

Thoughts: Maintaining a home, yes. Proud of, yes. I want to do more for my home. I may not be a good example entirely to my children but I try to.

DBM: What do you mean by not being entirely a good example?

Thoughts: I try not to expose them the kind of things I enjoy. I’m not sure I’m addicted to them. I have a fine balance of my pleasures.

DBM: Hehehehe

Thoughts: I’m a gerontophile. I will want my son to discover for himself his own pleasures and not because unconsciously he was in such spaces.

DBM: What do you want for your family?

Thoughts: Understand and express care, emotions, respect, kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion and find themselves very early in their lives (especially for my kids)

DBM: I see

Thoughts: David, why do men put women through the stress of birth control processes when they the men are the production sites? If nestle doesn’t want people to sell their products, they must shut their factories down, and not tell the shop owners to stop taking their products

DBM: This question, hmmm!

Thoughts: Yes, men should be encouraged to practice vasectomy, and stop pushing the women to take pills and insert stuff in them

DBM: Men are uncomfortable with conversations around vasectomy. Is this a procedure you would easily consider?

Thoughts: I will not blink kraa. Back in March 2020, I was in line to get it done until covid became the only emergency condition doctors would pay attention to. Now, I have too much running around to do, I will need some time (which is scarce now because of what I do, and want to do) to heal after the procedure

DBM: I see. You seem like an interesting person

Thoughts: I am, and a very handsome one at that, with a cute smile. I’m very much aware of my looks and so proud of it.

DBM: Is your wife enough for you?

Thoughts: Sadly, no!

DBM: Why not?

Thoughts: She’s the best I found; supportive and I will like to be with her in the next life (it may not be marriage) but she is and will be my number one choice. Like I have said earlier, no one person fills all your slots for you. She’s not very chatty like I am, not wild like I am. She’s conventional and I’m a not. I desire her more than she desires me.

DBM: And these are not pointers you can work around to meet your needs?

Thoughts: Eight years in marriage, I have tried; I have had to adjust mine for hers. Our three years of dating was great; marriage is not good for everyone. It changes them, an entirely ‘wrong’ impression of it has been created by society.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Thoughts: I don’t like numbers, but let’s put some number to it. What will be the range of measure?

DBM: 0 to 10

Thoughts: 0 to 10, I will go with 6

DBM: 6 is a pass. You think you both could commit to studying harder with the intention of, maybe clocking an 8? After all, the marriage is between the two of you. And you are not in competition with anyone till death do you part?

Thoughts: Yes, 6 is a pass. I commit to knowing her, and I have adjusted to her. Sometimes, I just wish the tables were a bit different of half me, half her. She’s not selfish; no, she’s not! Just that she could have done better for me and for us. I’m sure she thinks and says same about me too.

DBM: It’s not too late, is it?

Thoughts: Until the coffin is covered anything is possible, David.

Image Credit: Rahul

Let’s Talk To Hanson

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 40: Hanson, for now

DBM: Hi Hanson. Please tell me a little about yourself

Hanson: Married – Father – Employed – Simple dude

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hanson: I intend to suggest to my wife, we take a break

DBM: A break from what?

Hanson: The marriage

DBM: Can you explain further

Hanson: I need time to rethink; I need time to not be her husband in order to get clarity.

DBM: How much time are we talking about here?

Hanson: At most, a year. I will still be involved in the children’s lives; I will make sure the family’s needs are met.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Hanson: Almost 10 years

DBM: Are you unhappy in the marriage?

Hanson: I am grateful for the experience so far, but I still want to explore what not being a husband feels like.

DBM: I know how it feels like; it’s called being single. You were once a bachelor, no?

Hanson: I need time to look at my marriage from a distance, and also, spend more time on personal growth.

DBM: And this can’t be done while at home with your wife and children?

Hanson: Unfortunately, no!

DBM: Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: To a place where our children would have the capacity to look adversity in the eyes with courage, and to never find a middle ground when it comes to their beliefs to please others.

DBM: Those are great expectations for the kids. Where do you see your marriage headed?

Hanson: I don’t know how to answer the question

DBM: Jobs let people down. Children grow up and move away from their parents’ homes. Is your marriage rock-solid to make you that ultimate team player, playing on your wife’s side?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Why not?

Hanson: The demands of our day interfere with our relationship

DBM: When you think of your marriage, what are the first words that comes to mind?

Hanson: Too much work

DBM: Marriage is work

Hanson: You don’t think I know?

DBM: Do you feel valued?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Do you feel alone?

Hanson: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the problem? You want a divorce?

Hanson: I don’t want a divorce, and I don’t want to be married. That is the problem

DBM: Why don’t you want to be married?

Hanson: I am not mentally healthy to be a husband

DBM: And, when did this occur to you?

Hanson: In the third year of our marriage

DBM: Why did you continue with it?

Hanson: Our first child had been born by then

DBM: Are you genuinely committed to your wife for the long haul, with or without marriage?

Hanson: Dave, I just don’t want to be a husband.

DBM: To just your wife or any other woman?

Hanson: To my wife

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hanson: I do

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Hanson: Sometimes, yes!

DBM: Are you contemplating on the break to reflect on what you can do to make forever with your wife a possibility?

Hanson: I need a break to be sure I made the right decision

DBM: To be married to your wife?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: What do you need from your wife that you feel like you’re not getting?

Hanson: Space, and less of her in my face

DBM: Define space

Hanson: Dave, you’re not making this any easier for me

DBM: I’m only trying to understand how you’re feeling

Hanson: Deep inside, I’m broken. And it’s taking its roots from within.

DBM: Was this feeling present before or after marriage?

Hanson: Before

DBM: And, was this conversation had with your wife?

Hanson: She knew I had issues

DBM: But did you talk about it?

Hanson: We did!

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Hanson: I felt it was important to her. She was happy about the decision

DBM: And, did the decision bring you joy in the process?

Hanson: She was happy, so I was happy

DBM: For her?

Hanson: I guess

DBM: What does being married means to you?

Hanson: It means being on her team; having her as my teammate in life, and cheering each other on

DBM: What are your top three priorities right now?

Hanson: My children, my sanity and purpose in life.

DBM: Does your purpose in life include being a husband to your wife?

Hanson: You keep asking the same question over and over. My wife has been clinging to this whole marriage thing too tightly, I am losing my breath

DBM: How so?

Hanson: That is why I am saying I need a break to figure it out. Something is not working in our marriage for me.

DBM: What are you grateful for, when you think about your wife?

Hanson: She lives within her means, and she’s a good mother.

DBM: Are you sexually attracted to her?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Is she sexually attracted to you?

Hanson: I think so

DBM: Was it ever part of your plans to start a family?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: And, did you ever imagine getting married only to end in a divorce?

Hanson: No!

DBM: Is there something you’re afraid to tell your wife?

Hanson: She’s not the wife I want to be married to

DBM: You have an idea as to the type of wife you want?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Have you met her yet?

Hanson: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Hanson: She doesn’t know how I feel about her. She’s also married, though we’ve built a strong friendship. I see a future with her

DBM: During this ‘break’, would you be sleeping with other people?

Hanson: I can’t tell

DBM: Have you been intimate with this other woman?

Hanson: No. We’re just friends.

DBM: If she’s to give you the opportunity to cross that line with her, would you use it as a tourniquet?

Hanson: Yes!

DBM: Do you feel like you’re very different than when you got married?

Hanson: Deep down, I know my wife is not the right woman for me. I have stayed in it for this long even though I am aware of my unhappiness. I feared being alone, so when I realized she loved me, I made the decision to lock her down. I also thought she could fill the void in my life. I still don’t feel complete.

DBM: To the best of my knowledge, only Hanson can complete Hanson.

Image Credit: Pixabay

 

Let’s Talk To Tess

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 39: Tess

DBM: Hello Tess. Please tell me a little about yourself

Tess: Who I am is the personality you will experience when you meet me in person. I am not the type that will try on different personalities just to make a good impression, or get people to like me. I have a big heart but have a good grasp over my finances. I am self-reliant, and will give off my best to make life better for me.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Tess: I have been presented with the option of either resigning or getting fired

DBM: Who is making you choose?

Tess: My boss’s wife

DBM: Has she the authority?

Tess: She’s a member of the board of directors of the company

DBM: Why does she want to push you out?

Tess: I am pregnant with her husband’s child.

DBM: That was the reason given you?

Tess: She told me I jeopardized my career prospects with their company the day I decided to sleep with her husband.

DBM: Are you blindsided by this news?

Tess: I might have ignored the signs because I didn’t see it coming.

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Tess: I’m freaking out

DBM: Before you drive yourself any crazier, have you talked to your boss?

Tess: I’m in contact with my him; we talk on phone every day. He’s promised to fix things

DBM: And, you’re certain your job is not on the line?

Tess: I can only take what he’s told me with a grain of salt.

DBM: When did his wife confront you?

Tess: Thursday

DBM: Where is your boss now?

Tess: He’s been out of the country since last week. He will return on the 30th of January.

DBM: Which is more important to you, your relationship with the boss or the job?

Tess: I care about my job, and I have been performing to the best of my ability. Senior management can testify to this. I put in extra hours every week. That’s how dedicated I am.

DBM: What’s your game plan? Do you know your next move, assuming your boss is not able to get his wife to back off?

Tess: I would file an employment lawsuit for wrongful termination, lost wages and other damages

DBM: What if their excuse is staff layoff?

Tess: I am the only staff being laid off.

DBM: What if she lies about not making such accusations against you?

Tess: There were two other people in the room when she came at me and said, my services are no longer needed because I am sleeping with her husband. I am being unjustly attacked, and I know what was said to me; I know who said it to me and how she said it to the hearing of all those around.

DBM: Are you the elephant in the room?

Tess: What does that mean?

DBM: Is your relationship with the boss public knowledge?

Tess: No! We’ve kept it a secret for two years because his divorce isn’t finalized. They’ve been separated for the past three and a half years.

DBM: How long have you been in a relationship with him?

Tess: Two years

DBM: So, your affair with him didn’t wreck his marriage?

Tess: No, it couldn’t have! They were not together when we started seeing each other.

DBM: So, why is it making your situation at work untenable? You’re about to lose your job over it

Tess: That’s what I am trying to find out. He was my good friend many years ago. It was purely friendship with no strings attached. And he was married then

DBM: He’s still married

Tess: I know. What I am saying is, they were living together and in love with each other. I knew he had feelings for me.

DBM: Did you have feelings for him?

Tess: I did, but I didn’t follow through with it, because he didn’t know. I cut off contact with him when I traveled.

DBM: When did you resume conversations with him?

Tess: Three years later. We met at the mall and realized the attraction was still there, and so we reconnected. That was when I found out they had separated, and started with their divorce processes. We went on lunch and dinner dates, first, as casual friends and then, relationship. He offered me a job opportunity, and I couldn’t decline because I knew I still had feelings for him

DBM: You told him you were still in love with him?

Tess: He told me about his feelings for me first.

DBM: How complex is your relationship with him?

Tess: Keeping it a secret has been problematic for me, because we feel inseparable and happy when we’re together at home.

DBM: How was your relationship with his wife?

Tess: She is not my friend. She knows who I am because I am an employee of theirs.

DBM: Tell me a little about your boss

Tess: He is confident in his abilities, intelligent and very organized; very positive minded, passionate and sensitive; he knows how to dress and look good; he smells good and is good with conversations; he knows his worth and respects mine; he is very understanding and lets me have my space; he never gets tired looking at me; he makes me smile even without being funny; his charm and charisma is lovely; he makes me know that he loves me every day, and I have never grown idle when it comes to digging down deep within to discover fresh reasons to love and appreciate him.

DBM: How old are you?

Tess: 35

DBM: And, this would be your first pregnancy?

Tess: Yes!

DBM: How do you feel about becoming a mother?

Tess: So far, I love being pregnant, and I am hoping to feel the same way about being a mother. I want to own my parenting journey and choose the kind of people I would want to show up for me and the child.

DBM: Are you delivering vaginally or through a C-section?

Tess: I’ve chosen C-section. I don’t think I will be too classy to push. Also, I want this first experience at my age, to be as controlled as possible.

DBM: When is your due date?

Tess: In three months.

DBM: I wish you the very best.

Image Credit: Shvets Production

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