Author: David B

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Let’s Talk To Apor Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 10 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 38: I am Apor

DBM: Hi Apor. Please tell me a little about yourself

Apor: I will be 41 this year; I am single, and do not take myself too seriously. I am confident about who I am and how I look; I do what I say and say what I mean. I am an Auditor by profession.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Apor: I have a date on the 18th of January.

DBM: Hehehehehe! That’s nice. First date?

Apor: Yes Sir

DBM: How do you feel about it?

Apor: I am excited and scared at the same time. It’s a bit nerve-wracking

DBM: You can never predict the outcome of these things

Apor: You see?

DBM: Why are you single?

Apor: I am single because in the past, I had been chasing just pretty faces, without checking for a kind heart. The other reason is, my work schedule is tight, and I don’t think I have prioritized my dating life seriously. I also find the thought of asking a woman out super scary and intimidating; I fear being hurt or taken for granted by a woman I may love.

DBM: Do you wish to be in a serious commitment someday?

Apor: Yes, Dave! I want a wife; I want to experience marriage, and I want children.

DBM: How did you meet?

Apor: At a funeral.

DBM: Oh boy! Lol!

Apor: She was stealing quick glances at me

DBM: How do you know?

Apor: Because she smiled wryly when we made eye contact

DBM: I see. Who made the first move?

Apor: She did. We were seated directly opposite each other at the funeral grounds. She walked to me the moment it was clear we had been staring at each other continuously. She took my phone, asked for my password and just put her number in it. She went back to her seat. I didn’t get to even talk to her at the funeral, because she left without saying goodbye.

DBM: You called her, no?

Apor: That was the second puzzle; I didn’t know her number and the name saved to it. So, I had to go through the contacts on my phone. She saved her name as, ‘You’re going to like me’.

DBM: Hehehehe! I like her already.

Apor: I know, right? She’s a mystery to me

DBM: You’ve spoken to her?

Apor: I have, and I think I like her. I see potential

DBM: That’s good to know. What are your expectations?

Apor: I want a secure, self-confident and strong woman who lives her life from a place of meaning and purpose.

DBM: Purpose in which sense?

Apor: Whatever means something to her, I am good to go with that. I am searching for a woman who is not waiting for me to come and complete her. I don’t think I will be attracted to a woman I have to rescue and build a life for her to come and enjoy.

DBM: What else?

Apor: Someone who speaks her mind when it comes to her needs and expectations. I am not good at navigating through people’s feelings to interpret what they’re saying.

DBM: Anymore?

Apor: Respect and admiration for who I am and not what I do for a living. I am not attracted to manipulation and lies; emotionally unstable women, drama and immaturity.

DBM: I see

Apor: And she has to know how to cook well

DBM: Why is that important?

Apor: It will keep me excited to be coming home every day to my wife’s home-cooked meals. I want to be proud of my wife’s cooking skills and brag about it. Also, friends and family will be coming to our house a lot, and I’d want them to know why she won her way to my heart. We will have children too; their mother should know how to cook.

DBM: What if she can’t cook but is great at taking care of you and making you feel loved and comfortable and happy?

Apor: Cooking for me is taking care of me.

DBM: But in this scenario, she can’t cook

Apor: That will be a big problem

DBM: Can you cook?

Apor: I can’t cook

DBM: Let’s assume she also can’t cook well, but can make the attempt to prepare something for the house – that may or not taste so great, may be a little undercooked or overcooked. Are you going to still eat it and thank her for trying?

Apor: That will be problematic for me, Dave.

DBM: A relationship with you should be about her being a good cook?

Apor: If we become parents, my children shouldn’t be relying on me to be caring for their diet?

DBM: You can employ a help for the house

Apor: I don’t like the idea of a house help

DBM: Then, you need to also learn how to cook in order to build the happy home you’re dreaming of.

Apor: Lol! Occasionally, I would try to mess things around in the kitchen but …

DBM: What if you genuinely get to like your date on Wednesday, but find out she’s choosing to pursue higher education and her career, while juggling personal life; are you still going to expect her to cook a full meal, all by herself after getting home by 6: 45 pm?

Apor: I can’t cook to save my life

DBM: But you’re doing okay all by yourself; meaning you can manage with the same strategy you’re working with, or simply learn how to cook alongside your wife.

Apor: I am very tired when I get home from work, that’s why I buy food from outside

DBM: A lot of women equally leave behind their mental and physical stress when they get home from work. You are no different from a career woman.

Apor: All the wives I know cook for their husbands and family

DBM: All the wives of other people will not be married to you. And it is outright cruelty to be expecting a woman working the same hours as you to be cooking all by herself at home, all in the name of being a woman, wife or mother.

Apor: Then I will have to keep searching till I find the lady who meets my standard

DBM: Women fall sick, for weeks, for months. Would you expect her to still cook?

Apor: My mother will help when such a time comes.

DBM: What if your mother is dead by then? Wouldn’t you want to also earn your wife’s love and respect by preparing her a scrumptious meal?

Apor: Let’s find out if this date knows how to cook first. We will cross the bridge when we reach it.

DBM: My only concern is that you are setting the bar too high for the perfect woman, that you may end up overlooking the right woman.

Apor: I know what I am looking for Dave, but it’s like I don’t know what could be good for me.

DBM: My recommendation would be, go on this date with the intention of looking for a match. You can find the one person who is right for you at any time.

Apor: Okay!

DBM: There is a lot that you can learn about a person on a first date.

Apor: True.

DBM: All the best to you on Wednesday. Please keep me updated. I would love to chat with you again after the date.

Apor: Dave … Dave Lol!

DBM: I will look forward to it. Lol!

Image Credit: K Makhasette

Let’s Talk To Madina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 37: Madina

DBM: Hello Madina. Please tell me a little about yourself

Madina: You’re looking at a strong-willed, opinionated and articulate 45-year woman who still feels traumatized about her periods, but is a valuable member of society.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Madina: I think a lot of our ladies are not self-aware, thus, they’re not able to learn about who they are, what they want, and what they deserve.

DBM: Why do you think that is so?

Madina: They’ve probably forgotten they’ve got only one life to live on this earth. A woman right now is allowing someone to make her feel inadequate. A woman is allowing someone right now to bring down her mood and cause her so much pain, stress and discomfort. A woman is right now allowing someone to dish out to her their definition of the kind of attention, care and love they think she deserves. A woman at this very moment doesn’t know she deserves better.

DBM: To each their own, no?

Madina: That’s rubbish! When she can go out of her own way to make herself feel important? When she can take back control of her own happiness? When a situation she finds herself in isn’t right for her? When the thought of something she’s found herself in quickly takes away her smile? When the environment she’s finding herself in doesn’t add any true value to her self-worth? Why is she even with that person who doesn’t make her feel beautiful, loved, alive, happy and needed?

DBM: Some women genuinely, feel stuck

Madina: David, when I have a sore on my leg, I treat it. Someway, somehow, those wounds ought to close and heal for me to find my feet. It’s a decision I have to make for myself, and by myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Madina: So long as she knows she’s not of herself, she still has a chance to change her circumstances.

DBM: But it’s not that simple, is it?

Madina: I’d rather find my inner strength than to remain hopeless. A lot of women can’t access their freedom because they feel they’re in chains. Being free from an unfortunate circumstance is within a woman’s control, and we have the hope to change our predicaments.

DBM: What is your story?

Madina: I was afraid of being myself when I used to be married to my husband, and it took me almost nine years in the marriage before I finally had to stand up for myself.

DBM: How long were you married?

Madina: 10 years

DBM: Kids?

Madina: We have a daughter together.

DBM: How do you feel now, after the divorce?

Madina: I own my voice, and have stepped into my own power. I feel happy to be alive to witness this for myself.

DBM: Are you single?

Madina: I am in my second marriage

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Madina: We’re clocking the fourth year in September, 2023.

DBM: How does the present feel like, compared to the past?

Madina: The person I am is the person my husband is married to, and he does not criticize me for who I am. My marriage means everything to me, so is who I am.

DBM: Why were you afraid of being yourself in your first marriage?

Madina: I was afraid of being a single mother and alone; he threatened me with divorce and I didn’t want to be divorced. My ex-husband is a catch, and I felt I wasn’t going to meet a nice man like him anywhere; he made me believe all men were the same, and that, I had to take what I had been given and just work around it. I was also in love with him, and I think I had on my rose-colored sunglasses when it came to his lies, affairs, abuse, disrespect, vindictiveness and betrayal.

DBM: That was what you had been given?

Madina: Yes, and more. He paid two guys to come and rape me at home.

DBM: Are you alleging?

Madina: The men came to the house around 2 AM. I was not fully asleep because I was experiencing panic attacks; and he wasn’t home. We had just two keys to the main door; he kept a copy, and I had mine. And because he was used to coming to the house late, I locked up after him and took my key out – so he could unlock whenever he got home. I heard them unlock the door, and I assumed it was him. They did not steal anything from the house; they did not touch or go to our daughter’s room. They walked straight to our bedroom, raped me in turns, and left.

DBM: Again, how could your husband have been involved in all this?

Madina: They left our bedroom and went out, locking the main door. I was trying to identify any of them by face, and so I went to the living room; feeling traumatized, yet watching their every move outside the corridor – through the window. I heard the taller guy ask in Ga, ‘where did he say we should hide the key?’. They placed it under a stone, next to the flower pot. My husband came home two hours later, and picked the key from under the stone next to the flower pot.

DBM: Oh, my goodness! So, what did you do?

Madina: I had to go to a safe place

DBM: Where?

Madina: To a neighbor’s house, for them to take me to the nearest hospital. I told them I was feeling sick. I had to wait for my ex-husband to come home first, because our daughter was in her room, sleeping. I had to also see where he was going to pick his copy of the key from.

DBM: Why do you think he would do this to you?

Madina: To punish me; to silence me; to submit me to his authority; to keep me in fear and in bondage; to break me and take away my pride.

DBM: Did you get him arrested?

Madina: No!

DBM: But he got punished for it, no?

Madina: I filed for divorce.

DBM: That was that?

Madina: That was that! I did not tell him, and he didn’t bother to find out

DBM: You know you can still report him if you want him to be held criminally liable?

Madina: I don’t want to report him

DBM: Why not?

Madina: He’s the father of my daughter. And my daughter has no idea of what happened.

DBM: Have you sought for support and counseling – at least, for yourself, to deal with the trauma the assault might have caused?

Madina: Yes! I got professional help.

DBM: Have you told anyone you trust about the ordeal? I mean, aside the professional assistance

Madina: No! Anyways, I am no longer the type of woman who would loosely take what people do or say and just accept it.

DBM: That’s good to know

Madina: That’s why I am encouraging women to be clear about what they want, and stick to just that. They have to choose what they deserve, be aware of their own thoughts and actions. Women have to stand by their decisions and express their truths to the people who matter most to them without any sense of fear.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko 

 

Let’s Talk To Akos

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 36: It’s Akos for the meantime.

DBM: Hi Akosua. Please tell me a little about yourself

Akos: I am my own boss and I set my own schedule. I’ve not given up any amount of my freedom because of marriage. I am in control of my sexual liberation; I warm the minds, bodies and wallets of my clients; I own a beauty shop; 37 years of age, and holds a Master’s in Cosmetic Science and Technology from the Beijing Technology and Business University.

DBM: I’ve spoken to four of your best friends. Did you read my conversations with them?

Akos: I read everything.

DBM: And?

Akos: You invited us to present our true selves to you and your readers, and they shared exactly that; their opinions, feelings, desires and needs. I’m here to also speak for myself.

DBM: How important is education to you and your friends?

Akos: It’s our fundamental rights, whether we have sex with men or not. We’ve gained the relevant skills in our various specialties to enable us offer services to others, and most importantly, earn a livelihood. And our joint agreement as friends was to at least, get our Master’s degrees. So far, so good.

DBM: Are you in a relationship?

Akos: Yes!

DBM: And he knows you keep other men company for money?

Akos: He does

DBM: He’s okay with it?

Akos: He actually supports my work. He understands the importance of making a man feel chirpy and cheerful.

DBM: How did you meet?

Akos: He was a client, and he fell in love with me. He says, with me he feels desired and wanted. And I give him more than just sex.

DBM: What could be more than sex?

Akos: Pleasure

DBM: Was he single when you first met?

Akos: He is not married.

DBM: Okay?

Akos: I work very hard, so he helps me to relax and feel good about myself.

DBM: What does he do for a living?

Akos: He’s a medical doctor

DBM: Help me understand how he gets to be okay with the type of work you do

Akos: After he expressed interest in me, I asked him how many people he had had sex with. His answer was more than 80.

DBM: When was this?

Akos: 2017

DBM: And, how old was he?

Akos: 33

DBM: How many men had you slept with by then?

Akos: Probably half of his figure.

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Akos: I think so

DBM: Do you always give in to his sexual demands?

Akos: No! It’s not everyday that I find him sexually appetizing. But I am always the one who comes back and suggests we fuck, after the no.

DBM: Is he also sleeping with other people?

Akos: He is, but it’s commitment-free with them. He is constantly checking out other ladies and flirting excessively with them. He loves getting close to pretty girls.

DBM: It doesn’t bother you?

Akos: I’m okay with the fact that he makes time for me. He answers the phone any time I call; even when he’s on top of another woman – he will answer my call. He returns home to me at the end of the day; he is interested in my life and what I do with it; he adds so much more than depth and bliss to my 24/7 living. He understands and receives my love and care for him; he’s present to me during hard times; he pays attention to my concerns, always encouraging me to chase after my dreams; we love to discus our sexual exploits after we’ve been with different people; he understands I love being in the company of different men, and he contributes a lot to our relationship and home. What else do I want? He makes me laugh.

DBM: So, he’s emotionally available to you?

Akos: He opens up to me. He’s made me see him and know him for who he is. He’s introduced me to his mother and brothers; he includes my opinions in his thought processes and I think he trusts me.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Akos: I can count on the fact that he’s going to screw up, but he’s also the kind of man who is going to dust himself off after messing up just to make it right by me. We’re both freaking out about our feelings for each other, but the thing is there.

DBM: What thing?

Akos: Love.

DBM: How did he introduce you to his family

Akos: He just said, this is the lady I can’t stop thinking about

DBM: That’s sweet

Akos: Dave, I love myself enough to want to love this guy. I believe in true love, and I think when my man stares right in my face, I see love in his eyes if I don’t look the other way. I used to be scared of falling in love.

DBM: What about love scared you?

Akos: I didn’t know how to place myself in a vulnerable situation where I could be easily hurt. I was also skeptical about getting what I had always hoped for, and probably messing it all up. What I share with this guy is everything that I’ve ever imagined for my soul mate. He gets me, and I get him.

DBM: Is marriage something of interest to the both of you?

Akos: No! He’s already adding value to my life. Marriage will only complicate things for me

DBM: How so?

Akos: I am not sexually exclusive to him; I don’t have eyes for only him. My crazy imaginations and sexual intimacies are not with only him.

DBM: How about children?

Akos: I don’t want any. He has a child though.

DBM: At what age did you start being with other men?

Akos: Early twenties.

DBM: Your family is aware of what you do?

Akos: They know I own a beauty shop.

DBM: What has been your worst experience with a client?

Akos: I was booked by a murderer who wasn’t interested in any bullshit cuddling; just wild, nasty, sweaty sex for an hour. He gave me a bag full of money after he finished; it was weird for someone to pay so much money for an hour. The following week, I read in the newspaper about his arrest for killing his girlfriend the afternoon of the evening we met.

DBM: What was his story?

Akos: His girlfriend had cheated on him with his best friend.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Akos: I took out my sexual frustration on my boyfriend and fucked him till we broke the bed.

DBM: How is that therapeutic?

Akos: Rough sex can sometimes be my coping mechanism. It helps me heal and find peace from moment to moment.

DBM: When a client is ugly, or a total turn off, how do you manage?

Akos: Money talks, and fortunately for me, I speak its language

DBM: Does your job have any effect on the intimate relationship you have with your boyfriend?

Akos: I fake orgasms with most of the clients. I reach real orgasm with my man

DBM: Does it ever get boring?

Akos: With clients?

DBM: Yes

Akos: It happens; it comes with the territory

DBM: What’s your long-term goal?

Akos: I have plans to retire, and have established a lifetime income stream that equals my expenses. I also have a few investments and rental properties.

DBM: Does the thought of contracting an STI never occur to you?

Akos: I practice safe sex and personal hygiene

DBM: What if the condom slips off or tears during intercourse?

Akos: I take numerous showers every day; I wash my lower body with water after sex of any kind. I always urinate and wash the outside of my vagina with water. And luckily for me, my general practitioner is the guy I wake up next to, every morning.

DBM: If you could go back in time to choose a future career all over again…

Akos: My experience with men has taught me that, guys are generally not good with their own feelings. And women are not entirely naïve about what our men want from us. I like getting paid to provide comfort, warmth and care. I feel good when a client tells me, I’ve brought him to order. It’s not an easy job to opt for; it requires more thought in order not to take a step in the wrong direction.

DBM: Do you always say yes to a job order?

Akos: I don’t put needless pressure on myself because of money. I have said no a lot of the time for safety’s sake. I protect my time and energy when I decline these clients.

DBM: Do you think a man will ever be content with one woman?

Akos: A man whose desire to protect surges when he thinks about the one person he cares about, will shield his love interest from any form of pain. They will never consider deliberately wounding their spouse, because they know their wives deserve better. These are the kinds of men women should go for – because they’re content with what they see in them.

DBM: Are you happy with your life and the choices you’ve made thus far?

Akos: For me, it’s the littlest things that makes me feel happy; when I am able to spot the positive in a situation; when I win a new client over and he’s unable to stop smiling; when I am able to overcome a challenge; the fact that I can forgive myself for my mistakes; when I am able to try something new that freaks me out at the same time; and when I give myself so much love.

Image Credit: Bella Zhong

Let’s Talk To J

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 35: J

DBM: Hello J. Please tell me a little about yourself

J: I think I am not good enough for my husband.

DBM: I want to know who J is, as a person.

J: I am average in looks and I don’t think I am beautiful

DBM: What is your definition of beauty?

J: The people my husband likes for the way they look, and their physical appearances that makes him fall for them

DBM: Usually, when a man gets to know a woman as a person, likes her, and then falls in love with her, he automatically begins to see an element of beauty in you, that may or not be common knowledge.

J: What if he never was in love with me?

DBM: Why did he marry you then?

J: I got pregnant with his child, and his father wouldn’t agree to abortion or a grandchild born out of wedlock

DBM: Tell me something about your husband

J: He’s handsome and good at talking to women, except me. He is not afraid to tell other ladies what he’s thinking and feeling. He’s broken my trust many times due to his dishonesty. He prefers to spend time at work or with other women or his buddies rather than me. I am not his number one priority, but he loves our children very much and is doing everything to give them a life full of ease and beauty.

DBM: Why are you still with him?

J: I don’t believe in divorce. I don’t believe in letting my children experience a broken home. Till death do us part is a vow I sincerely took and would adhere to. I made a promise to my husband, and to God, on our wedding day. And I know it is only God who will get me through these rather tough times.

DBM: You’re a Christian, I’m guessing?

J: I am

DBM: Do you believe GOD can equally put a smile on your face, even if that means through a divorce?

J: Divorce is not an option for me.

DBM: I am not suggesting a divorce. I am just asking a question.

J: Maybe

DBM: Was your husband the man of your dreams when you were dating?

J: Yes

DBM: Were you the woman of his dreams?

J: I can’t answer for him.

DBM: Was his intention ever to marry you?

J: I don’t know

DBM: Prior to getting pregnant, was marriage a discussion on the table?

J: Not really

DBM: So, what was the definition given to your relationship with him?

J: He was my boyfriend

DBM: And you were his girlfriend?

J: Yes

DBM: The only woman in his life?

J: No!

DBM: You knew of others?

J: Yes

DBM: Does he share in your values and interests?

J: Not so much

DBM: He’s a Christian?

J: He is

DBM: Was he ever a guy who looked ready for a long-term commitment of any sort?

J: Not really.

DBM: So, you got pregnant for a man who clearly wanted to be single, a bachelor, but at the same time, have his girlfriends to be available to his needs, and basically enjoy his party boy lifestyle?

J: I love my husband

DBM: Why do you love him?

J: He saw me

DBM: Where?

J: I mean, he was the only guy who could really see me

DBM: What did he see?

J: I wouldn’t know, Dave, but he saw me.

DBM: As in, he made you believe he sees you?

J: If that’s how you’re going to interpret it

DBM: His other women felt seen, loved and listened to, no?

J: But he married me

DBM: Because you wanted to be the chosen one, no?

J: Nothing wrong with that

DBM: Are you happy?

J: I don’t feel happy

DBM: Why is that?

J: I wouldn’t know how to explain it.

DBM: But it has your husband’s footprints factored in there somewhere?

J: Yes.

DBM: Your husband’s opinions about you, and his actions towards you are not under your jurisdiction. You know that, no?

J: I don’t believe in divorce. You’re not the first person trying to not to suggest it. I cannot see myself breaking a promise I made.

DBM: A dear friend of mine did not believe in divorce, until the actions of her husband forced her to stop believing in the marriage. She encouraged herself to change her mind quickly.

J: That was her; this is me.

DBM: Understood! Does your husband believe in his marriage to you?

J: He believes he has a family with me

DBM: Family, meaning, he has kids with you?

J: Yes

DBM: But you cannot tell how he really feels about you?

J: I am not enough for him

DBM: Who is enough for you?

J: My husband should have been the perfect guy for me

DBM: Are you enough for you?

J: I don’t know. Are you enough for you?

DBM: I know that no one person can make me feel a certain way about myself, unless I allow those emotions. I am enough for me at the moment, because I am at peace with myself. I know who I am, I love who I am, regardless of what others think of me; no one knows me better than I know myself; people’s opinions of me are not who I know I am, and I don’t give a damn. I am open and vulnerable to my personal experience, and I look forward to the man I am becoming.

J: Because I smile, people assume all is well with me.

DBM: All is not well with you

J: Dave, I have always been there for my husband, but he is never truly there for me

DBM: What’s your biggest fear?

J: To lose my mind because of my husband.

DBM: You probably might be blindsided to this, but his actions are bending you out of shape and influencing your behavior in ways in which I doubt you would ever be aware of.

J: What do I do aside divorce?

DBM: Take time to analyze the source of why you feel inadequate, and if you can make any sense out it, maybe it would help you lessen its destructive effect on you as a person.

J: I want my husband

DBM: It’s okay to want your husband, but it’s okay to want you too. You feel guarded because you don’t want to be alone

J: It was nice chatting with you

DBM: Likewise.

Image Credit: Angela Roma

Let’s Talk To William

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 14 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 34: I’m William

DBM: Hello William. Please tell me a little about yourself

William: I’ve been married for 28 years, and my wife says I am a joy to be married to.

DBM: Are you?

William: I’d want to believe so. I make my wife feel included, wanted, special, appreciated and loved. She sleeps soundly by my side every evening.

DBM: I’m glad to know

William: I have been following the conversations you’ve been having with the ladies, and I want to say, it’s good they’re being open about their experiences with married men. However, not every married man cheats. I have played by the rules of marriage for 28 years.

DBM: Well done!

William: Thank you! Dave, when you care about someone for who they are, like how I love my wife, everything about them becomes beautiful to you.

DBM: Do you know any married friends who are doing otherwise?

William: A ton, and they tell me they cheat not because they do not love their wives. I doubt cheating has anything to do with love. A lot of these guys take a chance out with other people because they do not want their wives to feel they’re overly being demanding when it comes to their need for sex. A lot of men love sex; I love sex and it can become our weakness. Unfortunately, many wives who know this about their husbands take advantage of the opportunity to deny them, leaving the men depressed.

DBM: Have you ever been denied sex at home?

William: Many times

DBM: And, what did you do?

William: I exercised self-discipline and control over my desires. I made a promise to my wife when I married her, to forsake all others. I respect myself too much to break my vows.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

William: As a kid, I also saw my father disrespect my mother. We found out he had been cheating on her. The damage it did to our self-esteem as children, and the fact that, our dad did not even see this act of utmost selfishness, and his disregard for our need for security and trust – is the reason why I want to encourage men to be more attentive and available to their wives. A man has to be open and honest to his wife; know how your wife feels, so she can understand how you feel.

DBM: And has it always worked for you?

William: No!

DBM: Did your father love your mum?

William: Like many others, I never heard him appreciate my mother for anything she did. My wife is valuable to me because I appreciate her for being a big part of my life, and that of our family; my children know this. And because she means the world to me, I have never allowed any form of temptation to make me act in a way that would put my marriage to her in jeopardy.

DBM: Is the typical man built for monogamy?

William: Every man has the ability to do right by his wife, even when she’s not there to witness your every move. I made a sacred pledge to commit myself to only my wife, because I love her. It’s a conscious choice I made. Many guys have made similar promises, but are choosing to cast aside the feelings of the women they’re supposed to be in love with, for a momentary time of pleasure. Our integrity as men ought to outweigh our socioeconomic status. My word, as a man, should be as good as my bond; because going back on your promise to your wife means losing all of her trust in you. No one in their right senses should put their trust in you, or even do business with you if you can’t be faithful to your wife.

DBM: It’s that much a big deal?

William: It is to me, unfortunately. Marriage is not an easy work; that is why some of us are working really hard to build and maintain the relationship we want to experience with our wives. The 24-hours I have in a day is barely enough for me to be a husband, father and an employee. I cannot add an extra job of maintaining an affair.

DBM: How often do you think about your wife in a day?

William: She’s come to my mind more than four time already today.

DBM: How about sex?

William: How many times have I thought about sex today?

DBM: Yes!

William: It has not flashed my mind.

DBM: Meaning, you’re not having sex tonight?

William: You are the one drawing my attention to it. I probably would

DBM: How old are you?

William: 57

DBM: If you could be 28 or 29 years old again, would you have asked for your wife’s hand in marriage?

William: No!

DBM: Why not?

William: My intimacy needs are not met. She tries to give in to sex just to make me feel happy, but a lot of the time, I see that she’s not really into it. She agrees to it only out of duty. I have more sex drive than her – and it sometimes creates an unspoken tension between us.

DBM: So, sex plays an important role in marriage

William: If my wife could have understood years ago that, meeting my sexual needs was as important as prioritizing her needs and that of our children, maybe I would have been the happiest man in the world.

DBM: Give me an example of a scenario

William: My mother died 15 years ago. The day of the funeral, I wanted to be intimate with my wife before attending the funeral service that morning. She was very close to mum, and so, she was grieving too; I could understand that part, but hey, she was my mother, and I was hurting the most. I needed that perfect moment to be vulnerable, accepted and not judged for wanting to get laid while my mum lied in state. She refused me that opportunity to be comforted by her. I still remember to this day because that was time that I needed to be covered with my wife’s love.

DBM: You don’t feel alone in the marriage, do you?

William: I’m okay, I’m used to all this. My children are becoming everything they wanted to become, my wife smiles a lot and looks happy all the time. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

DBM: Are you happy, as a married man?

William: I am happy as a man. I am happy as a father. I am proud of being a good husband to my wife

DBM: But…?

William: There is no but. Lol!

DBM: You qualified your state of being a man and a father with happiness. You didn’t do same as a husband.

William: I don’t want to put out the impression that marriage is all about sex for the men. But for some of us guys with a high sex drive, we’re our most confident, active and alive when our wives make it a priority to keep our sex lives interesting and working. A woman is more memorable to a man if the sex is good. A woman is more powerful to a man if the sex is great. A woman is more attractive to a man if the sex is awesome. A man is impressed if sex with you is something he cannot easily get out of his mind.

DBM: I’ve spoken to people who genuinely are good at heart, and do care about their partners. Many of them have had affairs, and do know that, sometimes, it’s the wrong thing to do. But then again, they did not truly know it until they did it.

William: From our conversation, you realize a lot has also gone on in my marriage. Everything that has happened between me and my wife, I’ve had a CHOICE in how to respond. An affair is a type of response. It’s a choice.

DBM: What would you say to people who are in unhappy relationships or marriages, or even jobs that aren’t so fulfilling, whereby they may love or like whoever they may be dealing with, but deep down they know they deserve better?

William: If the relationship isn’t working, if the marriage does not bring you joy; if the job isn’t fulfilling enough; if your life in the situation isn’t progressing – then maybe you need to consider closing that chapter and moving on from that entanglement. You don’t need to waste any more time trying to make others feel good.

Image Credit: Zen Chung

Let’s Talk To IBML

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 33: IBML

DBM: Meaning?

IBML: In-between my legs

DBM: Smh!

IBML: Gidday Dave

DBM: G’day IBML. Please tell me a little about yourself

IBML: I am passionate about unlimiting my capabilities, redefining what is and what is not plausible and just embracing my life outside of my typical repertoire. I am able and adequate enough to reach my desires and goals; I offer companionship to resourceful men and I get paid to spend time with them. I am 36 years of age, single, and a teacher.

DBM: What do you teach?

IBML: I teach in the Biological and Medical Physics areas. I am a PhD holder. My employers are the tertiary institutions.

DBM: What does your average day look like?

IBML: Today is Saturday; I woke up, brushed my teeth, had a quick shower, fed my dogs, had my breakfast, did a little bit of cleaning and arranging around the house; took my bath and went out to get groceries. I did in all, three hours of TV, social media and a movie; texting and talking to my friends in-between; engaged a client I will be meeting tonight to offer him companionship, and now chatting with you.

DBM: How would you describe yourself?

IBML: I am a professional woman, who is not putting her private life on the back burner

DBM: What do you want in life?

IBML: I don’t want it all, that, I know for certain. I also have a schedule that fits my needs, and that does not include having a family, if that is your question.

DBM: I see

IBML: I work close to 58 hours a week, and this leaves pretty much little time for me to focus on anything else.

DBM: Is marriage a decision you would ever make?

IBML: I know people in good marriages and I will encourage anyone who has met a good person who is single and available to them; someone who is kind and will respect their relationship with them, to consider marriage – if it’s a topic for discussion on the table. I am just not interested in that concept.

DBM: Why is that?

IBML: I am speaking from my experiences with my clients. The married men I offer my services to do not see the need to respect the value of their commitments to their spouses. It’s like, they intentionally would put themselves in a position to have the option of losing their wives. Most of my clients are bored with their wives and marriages. And Dave, the typical man wants to progress in his life. That’s the unfortunate truth women don’t seem to pay attention to.

DBM: Interesting

IBML: My clients pay a lot of money for my time; so, when I am dressed up and look all seasoned for tonight’s encounter for example, he sees me, and in his eyes, I am the very expensive meal on the menu.

DBM: But it’s not all about sex?

IBML: Dave, a menu is a comprehensive list of interesting options offered to a customer when they come into contact with what they want or need or desire. I offer an extensive variety of choices, and each service is priced differently, based on the effort to be put into it. I am always in charge of my kitchen; I keep a strict tab on every move I make and ensure to be making profit at the end of the day.

DBM: What drove you into this job?

IBML: I think the men I come across generally find me attractive, and I appeal more to a certain class of them. Unfortunately, a higher percentage of that class happen to be married. Most are rich and can afford to get away with cheating on their wives. One man actually told me, he’s been caught a few times by his wife, but he’s managed to always weasel his way back into her heart.

DBM: So, it’s because you attract them?

IBML: Not entirely. I crave for sex a lot, and it can be a dilemma to deal with. I’m not addicted to it, but once I think it, I want it again… and again… and again. I think I look sexy and more attractive because of the constant sex I have. And I have explored all my sexual fantasies to better understand my own body and its needs, especially when it comes to receiving pleasure. I love the idea of variety, that’s why I cannot see myself settling with just one man.

DBM: Okay!

IBML: If I am to be in a relationship or married, my husband can put a limit on my sexual exploits. As a single woman, I am free of the expectations of a spouse’s need for my time and attention. I choose whom to dedicate my time and attention to, of course, at a fee.

DBM: I get you.

IBML: It’s all about the choices one makes to validate their routine

DBM: How long have you been in this work?

IBML: Since age 21

DBM: At night, when you are alone, are you pleased with your self and accomplishments?

IBML: I am not ashamed of who I am; I am not ashamed of what I do. In fact, I am pleased with the fact that, I don’t keep all my eggs in one basket. The men I come into contact with all know it’s a service I provide. I’ve not lied to anyone to be in a for better and for worse relationship with. I’ve always kept my options open. And as a career woman, I have always kept a back-up plan handy. No one knows tomorrow, so a Plan B is always within my reach

DBM: What is the one good thing about your work with men?

IBML: I’ve come to understand what most guys want from a woman.

DBM: What do men want?

IBML: They want us to drive them nuts – in a fun, cool way. My clients like it when I wear lacy underwear and dance seductively for them. I think it stimulates them visually, and drives them wild. Whenever I look in the eyes of a client while I slowly undress, I feel their minds racing all around me. It’s like, they’re imagining what could come next as my next move.

DBM: Probably because you have a flawless body

IBML: My physique is nothing close to flawless. My clients hardly pay any attention to the flaws on my body when I am busy turning them on. It’s all about getting them involved in the fun. I think men want the same things women want: companionship, friendship, and chemistry. They want to be loved, served, and given space when they need it. When they’re around me, they get to laugh a lot; I randomly would touch them, and they touch back. I hug them, and they hug back.

DBM: Served what?

IBML: Basically, great sex to sustain the connection in the relationship, and also, releasing stress and tension. After the sex is serving him good food. Cook him something to fill his belly.

DBM: You cook for them?

IBML: I don’t, but I order homemade meals to be delivered to us. It’s all in the package I offer.

DBM: I see

IBML: I don’t manipulate them to have things done my way, like how most of them feel their wives do. Before they book for my services, they already know I choose them from a place of want, not desperation. And, I certainly ask for my wants and needs to be met. I am courageous and strong like that.

DBM: What is the worst thing about your work?

IBML: I cannot predict the behavior of a new client. If it’s an in-call service, I choose the location. If it’s an out-call service, then I have to go visit at a location chosen by him. Some clients are not who they say they are, and if you’re not careful…

DBM: Are you friends with your clients?

IBML: A lot of them are pleased with my services and keep the working relationship ongoing. But some are just a once-off situation.

DBM: Have you ever been attracted to your clients?

IBML: I don’t get my emotions involved. Secondly, most of these clients are not available to be taken. They’re already married.

DBM: Have they been attracted to you?

IBML: A lot of them have, but they’re aware it’s a job for me to make them feel good. So, it’s not just about one person’s feelings.

DBM: If I gave you the opportunity to say something to the married women reading this conversation, what would you say?

IBML: Your husband will look at the other woman who is hotter, sexier, smarter and beautiful than you, and that is not something he can easily control. It doesn’t make him inconsiderate. He is fighting his sexual urges. Clients tell me because their wives have zero percent chance of finding out about their extracurricular activities with other people, they get away with cheating. Some know they’ve got a good thing at home with you and they do consider your feelings while with me; others know what they’ve got to lose but just don’t care. Clients pay for my services because with me, they’re on the receiving end. I rock their world doing all the hard work with their best friend, the penis. Yes, I said it: your husband’s best friend is not you. His best friend is not his colleague at work or the guy who played his best man at your wedding. His best friend is not a childhood mate. Have breakfast in bed with that guy in-between your husband’s legs.

DBM: Thank you for availing yourself to this chat

IBML: You have to chat with our other friend.

DBM: I would appreciate it if you could put in a word

Image Credit: Alan Cabello

Let’s Talk To Mawuena

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 11 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 32: Mawuena is my name

DBM: Oh, nice. I like Ewe names. What does it mean?

Mawuena: A gift from God or God’s gift

DBM: How is it pronounced?

Mawuena: Ma-wu-ena or MAH-WUH-EH-NAH

DBM: Hi Mawuena. Please tell me a little about yourself

Mawuena: I am married with children. I like it whenever the sunshine falls on my face. I have a good job, I am financially independent, and I have a mind of my own. I love to keep my home clean and my family well fed. I love being involved in my children’s lives, and I have always been there to support my husband and keep him amused.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mawuena: My priority has been to make my husband a happy man by all means, and he’s told me many times that I satisfy him.

DBM: Good, but what does that mean?

Mawuena: Whatever that means, David, because I don’t believe him anymore.

DBM: Hmmmm!

Mawuena: He’s been partially blind for the past few months.

DBM: What happened?

Mawuena: He supposedly returned home from work in August, 2022, feeling sick. He complained about his skin becoming painfully itchy, but would refuse to go and see a physician. A week later, I realized the cornea area of his eyes had started to scar. I called a doctor friend to come and check on him at home. In the middle of October, he went blind.

DBM: Oh, wow! I’m terribly sorry

Mawuena: Don’t be

DBM: Why not?

Mawuena: I think it was the Universe’s way of letting me catch up with him.

DBM: How so?

Mawuena: All that while, I had not heard my husband’s phone ring or vibrate, not even once. He has been given a sick leave to recover, and so he’s been home from Wednesday, 19th of October till date.

DBM: Okay! How is he doing now?

Mawuena: His vision is still blurry but he feels the impact of light rays entering his eyes lately.

DBM: So, that’s an improvement?

Mawuena: Yes, hopefully.

DBM: You were talking about his phone

Mawuena: I don’t know where our five-year old son found his mobile phone but it was switched off and hidden somewhere in the house. He wanted me to download games on it for him to play. I switched it on, and gave it to him to go ask his father for his password. That was in the morning of Tuesday, 25th of October. I was getting late for work so I left them. I came home in the evening, and my son was standing at our carpark, waiting for me. Dave, anytime this child has told me to shishhh, he’s had something to report about. He told me his daddy made him promise not to tell me.

DBM: What?

Mawuena: He was holding his father’s phone. He unlocked the passcode and asked me to check his WhatsApp. My baby says his father instructed him to delete messages that had come in from a particular contact. He did not delete them but had lied to his father he had. He wanted me to see it first.

DBM: What did you see?

Mawuena: Everything a child shouldn’t be seeing. Obscene images and videos from my husband’s girlfriend.

DBM: Why would your son show you this?

Mawuena: Joshua is so beloved. He is the cutest kid in the world and a total badass. He understands my ultimate rule at home: Do not keep anything from mummy.

DBM: I see

Mawuena: From his conversations with the lady on August 24th, whatever bit him to make him feel sick had bitten him while he was at her house. Mind you, it was this same day that he came home complaining about body ache. I did not know he had called in sick at work that Wednesday morning, because he left home, claiming he was going to work. He went to spend an entire day with his side piece of shit.

DBM: Marriage is challenging

Mawuena: Dave, stop with the inspirational talk

DBM: Oh!

Mawuena: I am going through the gruesome pain of his cheating ass and I don’t need any motivational messages at this moment.

DBM: Noted! Have you ever had doubts about his loyalty to you?

Mawuena: I had no clue about infidelity. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything because it’s difficult to catch my husband in a wrongdoing. He is smart and gives you no reason to doubt him. My husband is also very careful about leaving any clues on his phone. He would have probably become more careful and subtle if he realized that I was onto him.

DBM: Have you confronted him?

Mawuena: I have.

DBM: You’ve known since October. Are you still angry at him?

Mawuena: Yes, and I’ve tried my best not to hurt him where it hurts, but I am at a complete loss as to what to do. How do I get attracted to a man when he has taken a wrecking ball to my trust in him?

DBM: You love him?

Mawuena: I’ve never loved any man as much as I love my husband. That’s what pains me. Before finding out about his cheating, we used to have sex multiple times in a week. Dave, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. There was so much hunger like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t understand why he would do this to me.

DBM: Unfortunately, the urges of a cheating man lack reason.

Mawuena: And the fact that he told our son to lie, and gave him money for his silence

DBM: How much?

Mawuena: 50 Cedis

DBM: How is a blind man able to see a GHs 50 note?

Mawuena: Josh says he asked him to go and take it from his wallet. But he gave the money to me after handing over his father’s phone.

DBM: Are you still intimate with him?

Mawuena: No! I’ve lost that passion. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything sexual with him again.

DBM: Has he owned up to his mistake?

Mawuena: He’s been asking for forgiveness. He’s also been begging for sex.

DBM: Lol!

Mawuena: Smfh!

DBM: Is your relationship worth rescuing?

Mawuena: I no longer have interest in making my marriage a priority.

DBM: Can you let go of the resentment towards him and try to move forward?

Mawuena: Maybe, but I am not sure I would want to have sex with my husband ever again.

DBM: Is there a possibility of you being happy with him, despite what he has done?

Mawuena: No! I have mixed feelings about everything that has happened. I don’t think I can easily forgive and forget. I don’t trust him.

Image Credit: Yan Krukau

Let’s Talk To Abdul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 31: My name is Abdul

DBM: Hello Abdul. Please tell me a little about yourself

Abdul: I am the provider in my family, and have been through numerous experiences in life but would not let these experiences limit or define me. I am 48 years old, a Lawyer, married, and a father.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Abdul: I want to talk about me being a man, a husband and a father.

DBM: I’m interested.

Abdul: Dave, I go through a whole lot, and it’s unfortunate that sometimes, though I am married to a great woman, I tend to have no one to turn to

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, being strong means keeping quiet about certain things; and that we have to mask our emotions as men

DBM: Who has placed these conditions on you?

Abdul: The world and the society I find myself in.

DBM: I see

Abdul: I’ve been suffering in silence to be honest with you. I’m always keeping important issues bothering me to myself, and I don’t get to deal with them accordingly.

DBM: What kind of issues bother you?

Abdul: I’m supposed to be happily married but it feels like I am not fully into it

DBM: Not fully into the marriage or your wife?

Abdul: Both, and even the idea of being a father to my own children.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Abdul: I will be doing nine years this August.

DBM: That’s wonderful

Abdul: But it’s like, I am ruining my own happiness on the account of someone else’s happiness.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Abdul: I wanted to get married because I wanted to fall in love

DBM: What did you see in your wife?

Abdul: Beauty. I was attracted to her. And, she wanted to be married to me because she was in love with me.

DBM: When you look in her face today, what do you see?

Abdul: I don’t know what I see.

DBM: Take your time to think about my question. Let me give you an example: when I look in the face of the one I am in love with, I see joy, smiles; I see hope for us, I see someone who genuinely cares about and wants the very best for me; I see my name, and everything that is important to me written all over this person’s desires. I see their own strength, and dreams and abilities to want to accomplish so much for themselves, do good for themselves, so they can get to live a good life with me in it.

Abdul: I see confusion, sometimes sadness and anger in her eyes.

DBM: What do you see in the mirror when you look at you?

Abdul: Regrets, confusion, unhappiness, and a wish to be left alone.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Abdul: She’s a good mother to our children. I know she tries to be a good wife to me

DBM: I know you’re physically attracted to her. Are you sexually attracted to her?

Abdul: Yes!

DBM: Are you happy with the woman in the position of a wife to you?

Abdul: I don’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: When you made the decision to want to get married to her, did you know what you were getting yourself into?

Abdul: I thought I did.

DBM: What were you certain of, before you embarked on this journey?

Abdul: I knew I had a beautiful woman; I knew I was going to enjoy limitless sex with her; I knew our children would be in good hands

DBM: But you weren’t certain you were ever going to be happy with her in your picture?

Abdul: I don’t think I ever thought of it.

DBM: Do you share the same interests?

Abdul: Not really.

DBM: Do you like your wife the way she is or you’d love for her to change?

Abdul: I don’t know

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Abdul: We talk

DBM: Who do you resent the most, your wife or you?

Abdul: I resent myself

DBM: Why?

Abdul: Because I chose to put myself in this situation.

DBM: Does your wife respect you?

Abdul: She does.

DBM: What does your wife say to people in respect to what you are to her?

Abdul: I’ve heard her tell her family and friends that I am a provider and her protector.

DBM: What are your priorities in life?

Abdul: To be happy

DBM: You’re not happy now, but do you see any potential in being a happy man with your wife and children by your side?

Abdul: No!

DBM: Do you love your children?

Abdul: I do

DBM: What are your goals in life?

Abdul: To achieve my dreams.

DBM: What percentage of your dreams have been achieved?

Abdul: I’d say, 50%

DBM: What does the other half entail?

Abdul: Building a happy home with my soul mate.

DBM: Is your wife your soul mate?

Abdul: I don’t know.

DBM: How soon did you two start to be intimate after your first meet?

Abdul: The attraction was there, and so we hit it off not so long after. Why that question?

DBM: I am very old fashioned, and sometimes believe sex can confuse me from clearly understanding my commitment and depth to someone I like.

Abdul: I had feelings for her

DBM: Question is, what type of feelings were they? Since you were already picturing getting laid

Abdul: That makes sense.

DBM: Are you open and honest about your true feelings to your wife?

Abdul: No!

DBM: How about, to you?

Abdul: I doubt it

DBM: Do you trust your wife?

Abdul: I do

DBM: Do you get to acknowledge to yourself, exactly what is bothering you?

Abdul: I often would dismiss it when it come to mind.

DBM: Why?

Abdul: It’s easier that way.

DBM: Can your marriage in any way, help you fix whatever is troubling you?

Abdul: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Abdul: I wish I didn’t have this conversation with you.

DBM: Why is that?

Abdul: I don’t know. I don’t know what I want

DBM: Abdul…

Abdul: Yeah

DBM: It is very okay not to be okay. But do not rob yourself of your emotions. Do not rob yourself of your heart. Don’t be walking around for so long, feeling broken within. Try to make it easy on you, so you can find delight in hanging out with your own self.

Abdul: Okay!

DBM: Be an influence to your own mood

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

 

Let’s Talk To J4

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 30: I’m J4

DBM: J4?

J4: June 4th

DBM: Heheheheh! Why do I have a feeling you’re going to excite the living hell out of me?

J4: That’s more of Ginger’s territory. You’re safe with me.

DBM: Hello J4

J4: Hi Daviiiiiiiiiid. I love everything you do on Facebook, YouTube and the website.

DBM: Thank you!

J4: My pleasure.

DBM: Please tell me a little about yourself

J4: I am a 35-year-old Investment Banking and Risk Management professional, single and loving it; very ambitious. I decide what I want to do and then just do it; I love to read, drink good wine; I love to have sex with older men; I’m grateful for the little and big things, and I love money.

DBM: Why particularly older men?

J4: Dave, only a few things get better with age: wine and men

DBM: I see.

J4: Yeaazz! They’re old-school in style, and have got a few experiences under their belts already

DBM: I’m trying to figure out what kind of questions to ask you. Lol!

J4: Feel free

DBM: You seem to have a good day job, why are you into the escort business?

J4: I have two-day jobs. Let me talk about the second job

DBM: Okay

J4: My first boyfriend was about 35 years older than me. I was 19 when I had my first sexual experience, and I remember he approached sex in a playful way with me. I enjoyed how fun sex could be, and decided to be more open and vulnerable with my sexuality.

DBM: Was he married?

J4: Yes!

DBM: What did you want to become when you were young?

J4: I wanted to become a lawyer, but after being in a two-year relationship with my second boyfriend, I wanted to go into investment banking and sex work.

DBM: Sex work is prostitution, no?

J4: That was what I wanted to do initially, till I realized there were ways to make it more appealing – while appreciating the energy of flirtation that comes with it.

DBM: Why did your first relationship end?

J4: He was a player. I wasn’t his only chick.

DBM: You couldn’t have been his only chick, he had a wife

J4: And numerous girlfriends

DBM: How about the second relationship?

J4: Paul was within my age bracket. I thought because I had tried old school and had been let down, why not give the similar age a chance? Also, Lydia was my school mate, and she used to tell me there is the higher likelihood of maintaining a successful relationship with a boy of my own age.

DBM: I see

J4: It didn’t work out because 1: he was broke as fuck; 2: he couldn’t keep it in his pants for just one girl. I weighed the two generations of men I had been with, and decided I’d be better off with a mature man with swag and strong financial footing.

DBM: I see

J4: That’s balanced diet.

DBM: Have you been in any serious relationship since then?

J4: Nope! And it’s not a problem for me because I want to be with men that I have different interests with. It’s always fresh and stimulating that way

DBM: Don’t you sometimes feel alone?

J4: It’s a human experience to be feeling alone from time to time. It doesn’t mean I’m a loser. My clients are mostly married men in a house full of people, but they keep telling me, they feel alone.

DBM: They do?

J4: Yes! They feel like no one in their household understands them.

DBM: What does that mean?

J4: I wouldn’t know, ask your gender.

DBM: How do you deal with your version of aloneness?

J4: I think of creative sexual outlets to boost my mood and metabolism. It helps me to live in the moment.

DBM: Let’s talk about sex

J4: Ah, good! I was wondering when you would come to that.

DBM: Lol!

J4: It’s not funny. That’s why we are here, anaa?

DBM: How do you meet the kind of men you deal with?

J4: They find us

DBM: How? There are a million and one girls on these streets

J4: Dave, I have two jobs, remember? It’s intertwined.

DBM: Oh, my!

J4: I knew you weren’t thinking.

DBM: Lol!

J4: My day-job 1 deals professionally with clients from all sectors: Technology, Manufacturing, Investment, Production, Finance, Science, Retail, Construction, Agriculture, Mining, Healthcare, Energy, Industry, Infrastructure, Trade, Sports, Telecommunications, Hospitality industry, Media, Small business etc.

DBM: What’s the catch here? Lol!

J4: I was not born with silver spoons in my mouth, that’s why I took my education seriously. I may be intelligent, but I am focused. I have determination, I have vision, I have purpose and confidence in my vagina. It’s a beautiful thing, Dave.

DBM: Who was your first client in the second job?

J4: He owns real estate properties.

DBM: You’re still in touch with him?

J4: Yeaazz

DBM: Hehehehe!

J4: He banks with my former employers. He came to the bank one day and my boss needed me to explain some things to him. I did my job and he left a happy man. 45 minutes or less later, one of the security guys in the facility brought me a book. Each page had a 1 dollar note stashed in. It was a 204 paged book. The last page had his phone number and a thank you message. I did not call him. Two weeks later, I got another book, 227 paged. Each stashed with a 1 dollar note. The last page had his phone number again, but this time with the message: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

DBM: What did you want at that time?

J4: I needed a sponsor for my MSc in Investment and Financial Risk Management at Kingston University

DBM: So, what did you do?

J4: I put it across and he was willing to fund my education

DBM: At what cost?

J4: For my time. He is still responsible for some of my all-time best orgasms, 12 at a go.

DBM: Hmmm!

J4: You cannot even imagine it. He has this almost perfect 7 inches curved schlong, that hits my G-Spot with every thrust.

DBM: That’s really something to work with

J4: Oh, yeaazz!

DBM: Why do you think he keeps coming back?

J4: Imagine you, David with his kind of demanding job, and meeting with me for the first time. And in the room with me, you’re still on the phone doing business with clients. I unzip you, and put your shaft in my mouth, blowing you off softly.

DBM: While on the phone with clients?

J4: Yeaazz, Dave, yeaazz!

DBM: Why do you do this second job?

J4: I love to be around men who want to be around me. When we’re together, they talk, share ideas; I listen and learn. In my presence, their minds are entranced by thoughts of finding opportunities within me to feel happy and surprised. Also, the men I meet are hardworking and expect to be enticed by the pleasures of a sexual recompence at the end of a long day.

DBM: So, it’s not about money?

J4: It’s about work and happiness. I work more, I earn more. My second job has given me opportunities that I would never have seen working just the first job.

DBM: Is marriage something of interest to you?

J4: I think of it, but I am not sure I’m built for it.

DBM: Why do you say that?

J4: Marriage hasn’t been on my 10, 15, or even 20-year plan, and Dave, it’s very okay with me. If I want to commit to someone someday, it’s going to be a personal journey to be taken by me and that person. I am not expecting any third party to define what that should look like for my connection.

DBM: Do you use protection when you’re with these guys?

J4: Always.

DBM: How often do you meet with your girlfriends?

J4: We meet once a month to catch up. We also have a SUSU we contribute to for rainy days. We’ve been doing this for almost 20 years. We don’t take loans from outside; we take from our joint savings to do personal projects.

DBM: Lydia mentioned her husband doesn’t approve of you girls. What do you make of that?

J4: We’ve utilized our friendship when we needed it the most, and it has helped us to navigate some of life’s murky waters. That’s why we’re still close.

DBM: Most of your clients are married men, and they talk to you openly. What can you say to married women?

J4: Men want to be desired by you, and giving them a sexual release is what makes them sometimes feel like they’re actually home. Your husband’s drive to want to be intimate with you, often is his route towards loving you. As a wife, you want the emotional connection first, good! Your husband also wants the physical connection in order to feel safe enough for the expressive vulnerability journey you want him to partake with you. Something has got to give.

Image Credit: Jess Loiterton

 

Let’s Talk To Ayitey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 26 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 29: Ayitey

DBM: Hey Ayi! Please tell me a little about yourself

Ayitey: I am an unhappy husband, often depressed due to the uncertainties of the state of my marriage at the moment.

DBM: What’s happening to your marriage?

Ayitey: My wife is battling with cancer, and I am finding it hard to cope. Seeing her in pain sometimes makes me wish I were single

DBM: Is she on treatment?

Ayitey: She is, but the nausea, exhaustion and bloating are heart wrenching to watch. I feel powerless when I am unable to help someone I care about. She’s really suffering, and I dread seeing her every day.

DBM: I am sorry about that

Ayitey: She’s not the same woman I used to love. She’s not attractive to me.

DBM: Mastectomy, I know leads to body-image concerns. I have a friend whose breast was removed.

Ayitey: My wife looks miserable and there is nothing I can do to make her feel alright. Emotionally, I am suffering; physically, I am suffering

DBM: She’s enduring same, if not more.

Ayitey: I know, and it breaks my heart to say this but I feel like I didn’t sign up for this.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ayitey: 10 years

DBM: And how was the years prior to the cancer?

Ayitey: It was great. We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot. We were a happy family

DBM: Do you still love your wife?

Ayitey: I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know how I feel about all this

DBM: How do you feel about her now?

Ayitey: I just want to be single. I am with someone I don’t know how to help

DBM: You know she knows that you cannot fix or make her feel better, right?

Ayitey: I don’t know

DBM: Is she able to talk about what she’s going through with you?

Ayitey: Not so much

DBM: Why is that?

Ayitey: Because it will make me feel bad, so I’d rather avoid the conversation.

DBM: If I am to put myself in your wife’s shoes, I know I would want my spouse to make me feel heard. I would want to discuss my pain with you; I would want to freely express all of my emotions with no one else but you – and I would appreciate a partner who would acknowledge all these things I would be going through.

Ayitey: You’re always on the side of the ladies, I’m not surprised

DBM: It’s not about taking sides

Ayitey: Dave, I don’t know what my wife wants

DBM: Have you asked her what she wants from you?

Ayitey: Is it even important? She’s not well

DBM: Again, in your wife’s shoes: I would want my partner to comfort me with their loving presence, without any form of judgement.

Ayitey: It’s not as easy as you think

DBM: Simplify it for me then?

Ayitey: I am unable to have sex with her

DBM: For how long now?

Ayitey: It’s been over a year. The last time I had sex with my wife was in January, 2022

DBM: When was the last time you had sex?

Ayitey: Dave, we’re not discussing me. Let’s talk about my wife

DBM: You brought the subject of sex, which I’m presuming is important to you?

Ayitey: It is

DBM: When did you last have sex with anyone?

Ayitey: On Sunday

DBM: Before Sunday, had you been intimate with anyone?

Ayitey: Yes!

DBM: When?

Ayitey: Lol! Saturday

DBM: Before the Saturday, had you been with someone else?

Ayitey: Why all these questions?

DBM: I want to understand how active you’ve been sexually, that’s all.

Ayitey: Thursday

DBM: With whom?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: But is it with the same person?

Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.

DBM: I will respect that.

Ayitey: Okay!

DBM: Have you thought creatively into finding other ways to achieve intimacy with your wife?

Ayitey: Everything is a pain with her. I don’t want to inconvenience her

DBM: Have you tried listening to cool music together, while touching and kissing her gently?

Ayitey: It’s not worth it, trust me

DBM: Do you know how to love your wife?

Ayitey: Dave, I’ve tried everything

DBM: Everything like what?

Ayitey: David, do you know why I am chatting with you?

DBM: Tell me

Ayitey: I am with another woman who is filling in the space. I did not expect this, but I am in love with her. She’s also pregnant with my child.

DBM: Does she love you?

Ayitey: I think so.

DBM: She knows about your wife’s condition?

Ayitey: She does

DBM: What does she say about it?

Ayitey: We don’t discuss it

DBM: When was the last time you held your wife’s hand meaningfully? When was the last time you were not afraid to look straight in her eyes to assure her that you are not intimidated by the disease? When was the last time you found value in remaining present in her struggle, assuring her you’re a witness to what is happening to her and your relationship, and that, you love her regardless?

Ayitey: I don’t love my wife. I like her, but I don’t think it’s love.

DBM: This realization came to you, before or after the sickness?

Ayitey: Before. Cancer only took my mask off.

DBM: Why did you marry her?

Ayitey: I don’t know. Maybe because she was beautiful and physically attractive.

DBM: Was?

Ayitey: Am I a bad person?

DBM: Are you a bad person?

Ayitey: I don’t think so.

DBM: Okay! Anything else you’d want us to talk about?

Ayitey: I just wanted someone to talk to.

DBM: Do you feel better now?

Ayitey: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You have children with your wife?

Ayitey: I do.

DBM: How old are they?

Ayitey: 9 and 7

DBM: Have you both explained what their mother is going through to them?

Ayitey: They’re too young to understand.

DBM: At their age, they get it. They see what is happening. There are age-appropriate ways to explain cancer.

Ayitey: I am dealing with so much already. I can’t add another type of stress to my stress.

DBM: Being secretive about her diagnosis doesn’t solve anything

Ayitey: They will be fine

DBM: Are they eating home-cooked meals?

Ayitey: Yes, we have a house help.

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Nicola Barts

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