Author: David B

© David Bondze-Mbir. All rights reserved.

Car Prank

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Karen: My husband surprised me with a 2025 Cadillac CT4-V Blackwing RWD last year, as my Christmas present. I didn’t ask for it. In fact, I would have rather preferred the money given to me to invest in personal projects but anyway, I loved the gesture. I drove the car for exactly one week, and then all of a sudden, he was the one using the car. He would leave his car behind and tell me to drive that instead. I let it slide for a couple of weeks because I thought it’s still for the family’s use. But now, I don’t have access to the car anymore. He’s taken over and wants me to use his old car instead. I don’t understand why he would do that to me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Gurl, that was your husband’s dream car. He bought it specifically for himself, but through the courtesy of you.

Karen: How so?

DBM: Smh! Has he ever given you a huge sum of money for say, the house or to support your personal project or dream?

Karen: Yes

DBM: And, did he, within the span of a month or less, come up with an imaginary urgent excuse just to borrow money from you?

Karen: Yes

DBM: Knowing very well you were going to tap into the very same money he had gifted you?

Karen: Hmmm

DBM: Good! Now do the math with the car scenario.

Karen: That would be disappointing if he never intended giving me that car.

DBM: He never intended giving you that Cadillac, sorry.

Karen: I’m saddened by that

DBM: Do you work?

Karen: Yes

DBM: A good job?

Karen: A very good job

DBM: Save money and buy your own car if you wish to.

Karen: I’m very disappointed in my husband.

DBM: Don’t be. Men have the tendency to pretend to be low maintenance when in reality, we choose to minimize or deny our true feelings, acting as if we’re unaware of our expectations, desires and limits. We know exactly what we do to you. Believe me when I tell you this.

Karen: I believe you

DBM: Do not underestimate any man who pretends to give up what they really want and be agreeable.

Karen: What do I do now?

DBM: You do nothing. It’s his car. Pretend you appreciate the gesture and let go. If he wants you to drive the car, he will hand over the keys.

Karen: What if I don’t want it anymore?

DBM: Then you don’t want it anymore. There is still a used car at home, no?

Karen: Yes.

DBM: Drive that one. Life goes on.

Karen: Ok

DBM: Are you happy in the marriage?

Karen: Yes

DBM: You believe he loves you?

Karen: He does

DBM: You love him as much, no?

Karen: I do.

DBM: He respects and honors you?

Karen: He does

DBM: He treats you right and would do right by you?

Karen: Yes

DBM: He speaks to and with you with respect?

Karen: Yes

DBM: It’s just a car. Today, it might be a struggle to trust or love on him and his intentions for you because he furnished you with a whirlpool of Cadillac CT4-V emotions. Get over it, so tomorrow, you can be open to the idea of feeling like the luckiest woman in the world – because he loves you.

Karen: But should I still trust in him?

DBM: DO NOT TRUST A MAN. I tell you ladies all the time but you continue leading with your hearts. Believe a man if he tells you he loves you but DO NOT TRUST the hell out of him. Believing in us goes a long way in making us feel we matter. We wouldn’t act out if we know you believe in us.

Karen: But would you act out if you know I don’t trust you.

DBM: I will pretend to be hurt but I can hold on to the fact that you at least, believe in me. Men are very cunning. I am telling you this as a man myself; especially those who’ve got their shit together, got a little swag of attitude, and knows their place from left to right. Do not be led by passion and throw caution to the wind. Be alert to our nonchalant charm when we make you feel something.

Karen: Thank you David.

Image Credit: Danmds

Water is tasty

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Awal: Hello David. Can I share my 31 years of experience in marriage?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh wow! 31 years? Yes, I want to learn

Awal: Your surname, is it Mbir or Bondze Mbir?

DBM: Bondze-Mbir.

Awal: Where is the name from?

DBM: Winneba.

Awal: Simpa. Do you speak Efutu?

DBM: No!

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Once. I am Fante though

Awal: Fante is your mother’s side?

DBM: Yes. Elmina.

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Yes. Once

Awal: Ok. To my story; It was love at first sight when I looked into the eyes of my wife for the first time. I was healing from a heartbreak and thought I was done with the dating game. I had always been afraid of what might go wrong in a relationship. I wasn’t great at committing to just one woman because I was afraid of missing out on something better in the future. A lot of ‘what ifs’ played on my mind and because of that, I became the ladies’ man. I went for the finest girls I could persuade, the perfect shapes, the best I could attract but could not offer my best to them. In hindsight, I did not know what it was that I actually wanted, and therefore, was chasing the types of women I thought I could have. My intentions weren’t sincere. I was leading girls on just to get them to like me. I knew none of them could break through to get me to be loyal to one girl. This is a past of mine I regret.

DBM: It was all about sex, I guess?

Awal: Yes, and a need for casual companionship.

DBM: Okay!

Awal: While at it I met this other girl. The one who broke my heart before I met my wife. She was the perfect girl I was willing to let my guard down for. It is kind of hard to gauge this particular situation because I didn’t see it coming. She was the first girl I would do things for out of the kindness of my heart with no intention of getting something in return. I loved her and I could not control that moment and outcome. I didn’t know I was capable of falling in love. This made me get lost in my worries and fears. I didn’t want to take her for granted. This was the comical part; she was the first girl I prayed to God about.

DBM: You liked her that much?

Awal: I loved her.

DBM: What happened?

Awal: Unbeknownst to me, she was the cousin of one of the many girls I had played and dumped. She planted herself in my life at the right moment with the help of her cousin who knew a lot about my daily routine, and got me wrapped around her finger in all the wrong ways I couldn’t see coming. To cut the miserable story short, I lost a lot of money in the process of her short-term revenge diversion game. We were planning to get married when she left me to go marry someone else. I nearly committed suicide.

DBM: How did you find out it was a conspiracy?

Awal: The cousin I used to fuck with came to my office to tell me why I was never going to see her cousin again. And truly, I never saw her cousin again.

DBM: Wait! The one you played was the one in your office in this scenario?

Awal: Yes. I didn’t set eyes on the one I was planning marriage with again.

DBM: There was no further communication, breakup, closure, etc.

Awal: Nothing. We were on good terms the night before her cousin’s visit to my office.

DBM: Did you live together?

Awal: No, but I had rented a house for her. Bought a brand-new car for her. Paid her debts and loans. Spent on her. I spent monies I hadn’t even spent on myself before on her because I wanted to impress. She made me fall in love hard, Dave.

DBM: What in your opinion, made her stand out and not blend in?

Awal: She made me a priority in the beginning stages of our relationship and I thought that had set the precedent for how I would reciprocate. I believed she was consistently into who I was, and was happy to be all in with me. I didn’t see the reason to be pulling her back and forth in the games I used to play.

DBM: You never had a sense of her hiding something from you?

Awal: No.

DBM: How long were you together?

Awal: 1 year and six months. After her cousin’s visit to my office, I went to the house I had rented in her name and she had packed out. It happened so fast I couldn’t make the head or tail of it.

DBM: Did you find out where she had gone to?

Awal: The cousin mentioned at the office that she had traveled abroad to be with her husband, which I did not believe. But she made me understand she had it all planned out because she knew I liked beautiful women. Her cousin was the perfect beauty to seduce and lead me on, mess me around and then discard me. She disappeared in a puff of smoke, Dave.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Awal: After finding out that she had packed out, I went back to my car with the intention of driving to the police station to make a formal complaint. It was a really hard time period for me because I had made a quick turn in a corner onto the main street without really paying attention to the road. Truthfully, she appeared from nowhere into the crossing and I hit her with my car. I stopped and immediately ran out to see if she was okay. She was bleeding profusely. My second worse nightmare in life was when I first came in contact with my wife. I did not know what to do that instance. A few guys came over to help me carry her to my car. We sent her to the nearest hospital, and that was when it hit me, she could die. I broke into uncontrollable tears. It all started coming back to me, the love of my life that had vanished on me. The dream to be married that had been taken away from me by a vengeful woman and her cousin. The money I had lost. The innocent lady I had maimed and wasn’t sure whether she could fight for her life or not at the hospital.

DBM: I can only imagine your devastation

Awal: God being so good, she gained consciousness on the second day and I was allowed to see her. She looked at me oddly and managed to smile at me. I knelt by her bed and asked for forgiveness. She lifted her right hand to touch my shoulder and I looked straight into her eyes with tears in mine. She smiled with mercy and grace in eyes for me. Something inside of me loosened. I was touched by her smile. I was moved by the look in her eyes. That look threw a hint of light to shine through my darkness. That was the beginning of our attraction and friendship and relationship and later, marriage.

DBM: What else about her genuinely got you hooked?

Awal: She wasn’t performing to win my attention. A lot of the girls I usually would go for in the past I think put on a show to match my performances. She was deeper than a performance.

DBM: Was she your usual type?

Awal: No. But I felt safe and the connection felt real. I didn’t have to perform or impress. I experienced an honest feeling oozing out of me.

DBM: Did she feel the same way towards you?

Awal: She was developing likeness for me.

DBM: What else got you hooked?

Awal: She knew how to listen and make me feel heard and seen. There was warmth in how she made me feel seen. I could be myself around her, Dave. She made me laugh. She made me smile. She knew how to tease me softly and sweetly. It lightened my world and made me feel like I could be alive and lighter all over again. I felt at ease. She embraced my walls with peace. She had an independent life of her own. An impressive life, as a matter of fact. Goal driven, passionate about her career, super smart and intelligent. Very hardworking and forceful. That, was attractive to me. She was a complete package of her own who just happened to like being around me too. She didn’t need me to be her knight and shining armor. She wanted me to ride along her journey. My wife is a lady. She carries her presence without trying too hard for attention or validation.

DBM: Is she the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Awal: She’s the only woman I’ve been with since hitting her with my car. There’s nothing brand new out there that can’t be drawn from my well at home.

DBM: Water is tasty.

Awal: Lol. Dave, my well is sourced from an underground aquifer deep in my wife’s soil. It’s naturally filtered but a little bit of high concentration of her soil minerals can easily influence her taste to sparkling water. Sometimes, she tastes like spring water. Most times, she’s regular tap water but she can be ionized with rich minerals to raise her pH level to a smoother alkaline water. Her water can be distilled. Water is tasty when you’re thirsty enough. How old are you, Dave?

DBM: 41

Awal: Who taught you that phrase? Water is tasty isn’t for your generation

DBM: I can be an unassuming gentle bad boy sometimes. I know a thing or two about the water I drink.

Awal: What kind of water do you drink?

DBM: Mine also has sodium (Na⁺), potassium (K⁺), and chloride (Cl⁻) dissolved in it. Sometimes it tastes sweet. Other times, it’s sour. It tastes bitter or salty once in a while when we’re mad at each other. But this morning, it certainly was umami

Awal: Lol.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your marriage?

Awal: Contentment. Having a sense that I am enough. My wife is enough. Every moment in our marriage is enough, whether good or bad. Finding sufficiency in the enough and accepting what and who I chose to have in my life to do life with in this present moment. There’s nothing to compare if you dwell, commit to and savor the enough.

DBM: This was a good conversation. Thank you for your time.

Awal: Thank you.

Imagine Credit: RDNE

Everybody Hurts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Theodore: My mother filed for divorce on their 25th wedding anniversary party which was organized by my dad, her now ex-husband. It was a reunion for the whole family, none of their friends invited, which I thought was weird at first. Then I later came to find out that she had specifically insisted she didn’t want any friends coming to the celebration. She wanted just the families from both sides in attendance.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh my! How old were you that year?

Theodore: I was 23

DBM: When did this happen?

Theodore: 2017

DBM: Fairly recent

Theodore: Yes. They raised three kids in total; built their careers and navigated through all sorts of illnesses and life events. My mother surprised us with her decision.

DBM: Was it a mutual decision on the day of the announcement?

Theodore: It took my dad by surprise too. He didn’t see it coming. He wouldn’t have spent money on a party meant to announce the death of his marriage.

DBM: Do you know why your mother chose to opt out?

Theodore: My mum is a very private person. And also, peaceful. She told the three of us after the party, that, she and my father stopped laughing together early in their marriage. Which eventually, became a struggle for her. Decisions my father made with other women were some of the hardest moments that tested their marriage, and ultimately, shifted her feelings for him. Nothing else he did or said could pull her love back to him.

DBM: When you say ‘the three of us’, you mean your siblings?

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Okay! Did she put a date to the ‘early’ years she stopped laughing?

Theodore: Four years into the marriage. Nothing felt right to her afterwards because all the memories that now stayed with her were the bad choices my father made to break them apart.

DBM: I do understand that part. It’s never about the material stuff or how nice you make people believe your marriage looks. The shared experiences and memories left on the hearts of our minds are what we hold on to – when all is said and done.

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Do you know why your mother stayed that long?

Theodore: Yes. She stayed for us. She was in the middle of raising young children. Her life revolved around us. But she said she never stopped counting the years to when my younger sister would turn 19.

DBM: Tell me a little about growing up under their roof.

Theodore: My mother was the present parent. My dad, not so much. Now that I’m a father myself, I understand the importance of being present in my child’s life because the years go by so fast, we don’t get the time back.

DBM: How old is your child?

Theodore: 4-year-old. I and my siblings were very vulnerable to the influence at home. We saw a lot. We heard a lot. We analyzed a lot and I don’t think my father realized we were soaking up all kinds of information we came across at home, pertaining to how he treated my mother and how that made us feel. We were like sponges. I soaked up my father’s mannerisms and some traits. My sister and brother soaked up their own habits from either my mother or father. When we came of age, our mother was the only role model at home we could look up to.

DBM: Why do you say that?

Theodore: Our mother was the one always involved in our lives. Our father compensated us with fancy gifts and outings. He woke up very early to go to work and we wouldn’t see him until later in the night. He was the busy parent. That was the picture he painted for us to see.

DBM: Did your mother work?

Theodore: My mother is a surgeon.

DBM: Ha!

Theodore: Yes

DBM: What are some of the mannerisms and traits you picked up from your dad?

Theodore: The unhealthy bits and pieces of his pattern that I witnessed for the early years of my life were manifesting in my marriage. I was staying out late, engaging in casual sex with old flames, getting home late to take my shower, and watch TV or be on my phone, hoping not to be bothered until I fell asleep on the couch. I remember how my father used to tell my sister to be quiet because he was tired and not in the mood to play with her. I catch myself repeating the same thing with my son. I was also lying to my wife a lot about my whereabouts.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Theodore: 5 years. I’m trying to break from these habits but it’s still a difficult task

DBM: You’re at liberty to choose your own path. However, you need to understand that, you signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it involves just more than paying the bills.

Theodore: I know

DBM: Anyways, what’s life like for your sister?

Theodore: We’re all thriving in our careers. But I think my sister is always ending up having relationships with emotionally unavailable men. She’s been engaging in various behaviors I used to see my mother display at home when we were kids, to get the attention of my father. I know she has lost faith in men.

DBM: I’ve lost my chain of thought. Why did you reach out to me?

Theodore: I came across a conversation between my mother and my wife. She was advising my wife to divorce me if she’s no longer interested in the marriage. It took me by surprise because why would my own mother say that to the mother of my child?

DBM: Because you’re your father’s son. Your mother lived through all of that, and knows this about you. And wouldn’t want her daughter in love suffering in the process because of it.

Theodore: But she crossed the line, don’t you think so?

DBM: The fact that a woman makes the decision to marry you doesn’t necessarily mean she has to accept all there is to you. She’s been understanding enough. She’s been patient enough. A wife is not supposed to be the only one wanting her marriage to get better.

Theodore: I want my marriage to get better.

DBM: Then be better. I don’t think your mother crossed a line. She knows the heartache and pain in staying married to a man like you. Something you will never understand.

Theodore: I understand

DBM: If you say so. How is your father doing?

Theodore: He is fine. He married again.

DBM: Good for him. You see, life goes on, regardless

Theodore: Yes. He got married two months after their divorce finalized.

DBM: Life still goes on. Life is meant to be lived.

Theodore: Yes

Image Credit: Isabela Catao

Paying Him Forward – [After The Date – Update]

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: The date night went well. I was nervous but we both showed the best versions of ourselves.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you wish to see him again?

Lorraine: I don’t think so

DBM: Why not?

Lorraine: I doubt it would lead anywhere

DBM: Was that his conclusion too?

Lorraine: No. He wants a second date

DBM: How was the conversation like, between the two of you?

Lorraine: It flowed nicely. He maintained eye contact with me throughout the date. He asked very sensible questions and was of course, flirting with me. He found me attractive.

DBM: You asked the question?

Lorraine: I did, when I realized he would quickly smile back at me anytime I smiled about something he had said. We initially were seated opposite each other by the table but before the date ended, he had drawn closer to my chair and was leaning into the conversation.

DBM: If I am interested in someone and what they have to say, I would lean closer too. That’s a positive sign I believe.

Lorraine: I thought so till the awkward moment.

DBM: Oh Oh! What did he do now?

Lorraine: I asked about his feelings for my daughter.

DBM: And?

Lorraine: He said that chapter had closed. I asked if they were intimate in the three years of their friendship. He first cleared his throat, slowly sipped his drink. And then smiled. And then there was that awkward pause. He then said he didn’t want to lie to me.

DBM: Lie to you about what?

Lorraine: That was all he said.

DBM: How did the date end?

Lorraine: On a good note. He drove me back home, talked a bit in his car in front of my gate, gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.

DBM: Do you mind me asking a few personal questions?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Can you take me through your activities for the day, leading to the date?

Lorraine: I woke up to a text message from him. A greeting and how he was looking forward to our date. He asked me not to drive to work that morning because his driver was on his way to pick me up to work. My daughter had given him the locations to my house and work. His driver brought me flowers. I thought that was very sweet of him. I was taken to work, and was picked up from work later by him.

DBM: Okay! What kind of conversations did you have on the date?

Lorraine: We talked about almost everything important to us. He wanted to know more about my life, my interests, anything in my past I was willing to share and my plans for the future. He shared his with me too. We were very expressive about our feelings.

DBM: Was there chemistry between the two of you?

Lorraine: There was chemistry, so much chemistry that could have led to sex if I had allowed it.

DBM: Okay! Describe the relationship between you and your daughter to me.

Lorraine: You might not quite get it but my daughter is my best friend. I was a parent to her when she was young but as she grew into this amazing young woman, the friendship component to our mother-daughter relationship suddenly has blossomed. Dave, the desire of every mother is for their children to like them. My daughter has always liked me. Even in the years I thought she wouldn’t need me anymore, she would come and take me out shopping or fine dining. It melts my heart when she calls me every day to tell me how much she loves me. She makes all the scarifies I’ve made for her sake worth it. Watching my baby girl grow into the lady she’s becoming is more rewarding than I could have ever thought.

DBM: What’s the story between you and her biological father?

Lorraine: He was the branch manager at my second employment. I had been hired as the assistant to the Relationship Manager to enhance client satisfaction while driving revenue growth. He used to seek my opinions on investments and financial services. We became more than friends and I got pregnant in the process. The day I shared the news with him; he told me he was engaged and soon to be married to his girlfriend who was also pregnant for him. He gave me the option to abort the pregnancy but I kept it.

DBM: Did you know he had a girlfriend?

Lorraine: No. He told me he was an available man and not married.

DBM: Is he present in your daughter’s life?

Lorraine: He took responsibility from a distance. They’re not so close because his wife doesn’t know about her existence but they manage to meet and catch up from time to time.

DBM: He married the pregnant girlfriend?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: What happened to your relationship with him?

Lorraine: There was no relationship between us after he made me aware he had a girlfriend. It ended the day I shared my pregnancy news.

DBM: Back to your daughter; now we know she probably might have shared more than just a kiss with your date. How does this new information reflect on you?

Lorraine: I am, in equal measures, perturbed and disappointed in her. She should have told me the whole truth.

DBM: Would you have gone on a date with him if she had been honest about her relationship with him?

Lorraine: No. It’s very embarrassing, Dave.

DBM: You have nothing to be embarrassed about, really. You were merely acting on her word, which you believed was the truth.

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Do you intend seeing him again?

Lorraine: No

DBM: You’re certain?

Lorraine: 100%. It was a beautiful connection but my intuition is telling me that he is the type that is really good at creating the right impact on women. He’s skilled in asking the right questions, having eye contact and pretending to be listening to you intently so he can give the best answers. He knows how to connect with single women looking for love and impressing them along the ride. That’s not what I am looking for at the moment.

DBM: I see. It’s all good.

Lorraine: Dave, thank the people on your Facebook page for me. I read all their comments and concerns on our first chat. I did not take their opinions for granted.

DBM: There really are genuine, goodhearted single men out there praying to come into contact with a heart like yours. All the good men aren’t taken. The kind of man you seek doesn’t grow on trees, that is why I am hoping you wouldn’t let the least pleasant experience with this guy daunt you from being openminded to what else there is to come. Because another unique experience will come your way. Do not close off so easily nor sit home waiting for a man to fall out of the sky and land on your lap. Go out there. Make new friends. Put your energies into the right people and trust that you can do right by yourself.

Lorraine: You are so kind. You are so kind. Thank you David.

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

And Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Carle: Hi Dave. Can I use your platform to apologize to my ex-wife?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What did you do to your wife?

Carle: I don’t want to share our personal issues with you. I just want a platform to apologize

DBM: Why do you want to use my platform? That’s my question

Carle: She comments on your page.

DBM: Okay!

Carle: Esi, I am so sorry. I couldn’t help it. I tried to stop. I know what I said many times to you but the truth is, you have always been there for me. You have always been willing to meet my needs. I betrayed your trust and let you down. For that, I am sorry. I am seeking the help I need. I thought what I was doing would make our marriage better. I have realized that you make me better. I want to be better. I want to be better for you. I really love you

DBM: You have to be better for yourself, not Esi.

Carle: Dave

DBM: What?

Carle: Please. Don’t start

DBM: No, seriously, have you sat with the fact that you intentionally, chose to hurt the woman who had trust in you?

Carle: How is that your concern?

DBM: Let me guess, you slipped a mistress in the equation, no? If you have something to hide, then you have something to protect.

Carle: I made a mistake and the guilt is keeping me up at night. I am ashamed of my actions and I have regrets because I destroyed our family. I just want to repair what has been broken.

DBM: A woman’s trust in you is very fragile. One careless misstep can fracture the relationship beyond repair if not appropriately addressed.

Carle: That is why I need a second chance.

DBM: Is this really your second chance? Or she had given you chance upon chance to do right by her and the marriage?

Carle: I made a mistake

DBM: How do you intend fixing a problem you’re still refusing to look at?

Carle: What do you mean?

DBM: You’re referring to your action as a ‘mistake’. How can you scar your wife’s heart with another person and call it a mistake?

Carle: I don’t need to explain myself to you

DBM: You addressed her as your ‘ex-wife’. Are you divorced?

Carle: Yes

DBM: For how long now?

Carle: 2 years

DBM: What were you doing these past two years?

Carle: Nothing

DBM: Were you dating any of the girls you made mistakes with?

Carle: Yes

DBM: Are you still together?

Carle: No

DBM: Why are you not together?

Carle: She left me

DBM: Why?

Carle: Because I wanted to be with my wife.

DBM: It’s up to your ex-wife to forgive you.

Carle: I’m hoping she would accept my apology.

DBM: She can decide not to accept this apology, and you’d have to respect that decision too.

Carle: I want to bring my family back together.

DBM: Fixing what you took for granted doesn’t start with her forgiveness. It begins with you, changing for real, and for the better.

Carle: I have changed

DBM: Good for you, but that wouldn’t necessarily push her toward the kind of decision you’re hoping for.

Carle: I just want her to read this message

DBM: And assuming she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you again after reading the message, you can use this experience as a learning opportunity and simply apply whatever it has taught you to future relationships. Every effort we put into a relationship matters to the integrity of its overall state.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Paying Him Forward

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: Hello David. I want to talk about something

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Lorraine: As wonderful as ever.

DBM: Good to know. What’s on your mind?

Lorraine: My daughter wants to hook me up with a man who initially was interested in, and pursuing her.

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Lorraine: 26

DBM: How old are you?

Lorraine: 48. I had my daughter when I was very young, in my early twenties.

DBM: And how old is this guy we’re talking about?

Lorraine: 52

DBM: I see. And to what extent did your daughter go with this man during his pursuit of her?

Lorraine: She said they only kissed

DBM: How many times?

Lorraine: Once.

DBM: How long has he known your daughter?

Lorraine: They’ve been friends for three years

DBM: She defined their relationship as ‘friendship’?

Lorraine: Friends

DBM: With no type of benefits?

Lorraine: Not that I know of. I’m just going by my daughter’s word

DBM: And you trust your daughter?

Lorraine: 100%. She wouldn’t lie to me

DBM: Have you met this man?

Lorraine: Not yet

DBM: But you’ve spoken to him before?

Lorraine: Once on the phone

DBM: What did you talk about?

Lorraine: Nothing. She wanted me to say hello to her friend and I did.

DBM: Why is she passing him on to you?

Lorraine: She’s met someone younger and closer to her age that she really likes.

DBM: And the 52-year-old knows this?

Lorraine: Yes. I’ve always taught my daughter that anytime she’s no longer interested in dating a guy, she had to break up with him quickly rather than dragging the relationship on for months or years.

DBM: Is he single? As in, no one else in the world somewhere thinks they’re in an intimate or exclusive relationship with him?

Lorraine: Yes, my daughter confirmed that

DBM: Are you single?

Lorraine: I am single.

DBM: Are you interested in this man?

Lorraine: I want to get to know him. He seems like a great person.

DBM: Is he interested in knowing you?

Lorraine: Yes, I got a text message from him, asking me out on a date.

DBM: Has he any kids?

Lorraine: He has two grown boys.

DBM: I don’t see any wrong in this exploration, unless I’m missing something

Lorraine: I think I’m a bit skeptical because he has been interested in my daughter for three years

DBM: He likes them young

Lorraine: That’s my biggest fear, Dave.

DBM: You’re a young woman yourself. You don’t look 48

Lorraine: Thank you but I’m still concerned.

DBM: About?

Lorraine: His preference in age

DBM: Has he specifically told you or your daughter his desired preference?

Lorraine: No

DBM: So, ask him on the date

Lorraine: Ask him what?

DBM: If he finds you attractive. As sensitive a subject as it is, people’s preferences and motivations do vary, whether you like it or not. We all can’t go for the same things.

Lorraine: What if he doesn’t?

DBM: Then he doesn’t! Life goes on. There are a few things that would only come with age

Lorraine: Like?

DBM: Like hearing the heart of your mind in thoughts even before you utter a word. If you can command a man’s attention with your presence, you will have his attention on something else other than what he usually would go for. You have to look it, because sometimes it’s the look (for most men). For others, it’s the vibe they sense the moment you walk into the room.

Lorraine: It wouldn’t make him think I’m desperate if I ask the attraction question?

DBM: I mean, a degree of tact and caution is needed but read his countenance regardless, before deciding to ask. But it’s an important question you’d have to ask before returning home from the date.

Lorraine: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Lorraine: You really think I’m beautiful?

DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. Why, you don’t think you are?

Lorraine: Women my age have no chance competing with these young girls. The beauty standards of today are equated to looking and staying young.

DBM: You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re ageing gracefully. Some men do appreciate experience and maturity in a woman.

Lorraine: Dave, do you trust your gender?

DBM: No! A lot of the men out there are not being real. They’re busy playing roles and putting on spectacular shows to craft an image of perfection for you to fall for. Be in tune with your intuition at all times. That’s the only wake-up call to lead you right. Do not easily fall for their well-rehearsed lines that they feel would get them your needed applause. A lot of these guys looking all nice and important echo nothing short of hollowness. Do not be a victim to how they strategically would edit and revise their way into your heart. GOD made you smart, not desperate. Tap into your smart.

Lorraine: I like the way you talk to me, David.

DBM: Good to know. Keep me updated.

Lorraine: Ok. Bye

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Constant Craving

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ifama: Good evening, David. Are you free to chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Ifama: Not so great

DBM: Why not?

Ifama: It’s a long story.

DBM: Let’s make it a bit short, can we?

Ifama: Yes. Please post me anonymously

DBM: I will

Ifama: I’ve been playing the field, and I am still confused because I don’t know what I want.

DBM: Playing the field as in?

Ifama: In a relationship with two people at the same time.

DBM: They know you’re dating them both?

Ifama: No

DBM: Are you being intimate with both?

Ifama: Yes

DBM: What do you want out of these relationships?

Ifama: What every woman wants

DBM: And, that is?

Ifama: For my needs to be met

DBM: What does Relationship A add to your life?

Ifama: Love. He is so in love with me. He has the financial means and is very protective of his money and assets. He sees me as an asset in his heart and has given me access to his wealth. I am not just a pretty face, Dave, I match his intellectual aspirations. He knows I am an independent, hardworking woman and can take care of myself but he doesn’t want me to. He wants to be the only one to take care of me.

DBM: What does Relationship B add to your life?

Ifama: She respects me a lot. She acknowledges and honors my accomplishments. She respects my opinions and viewpoints. My suggestions and input on everything are welcomed. I don’t feel overlooked or taken for granted, Dave. I am seen and valued. Unlike my other situationship, her actions towards me and our relationship does not send different signals or communicate different messages to me. She is consistent with her love for me. I don’t feel like I am compromising or settling for less than what I deserve. She meets me where I am at any moment in life and treats me justly, and equitably too. She’s like my best friend, very patient in how she indulges me. I don’t feel like I have to jump any bar higher than I am capable of just to prove myself.

DBM: How about the romantic aspect of the spark?

Ifama: It’s burning with flames and keeping me excited and alive. Dave, this is a relationship that I not only want but I know I absolutely need to build a future.

DBM: You’re bisexual, I’m guessing?

Ifama: I could be. I wish there was a way to determine which of them would be my perfect match

DBM: The true intentions of a human heart and whatever it’s feeling for you cannot be predicted, unfortunately. You can never know which of them, genuinely, would do right by you.

Ifama: What do I do? Because I think I have fallen in love with them for different reasons.

DBM: I don’t know what else to tell you. What you are doing would give any of them more than enough reason to doubt you. This kind of relationship wouldn’t flourish because you’re not being honest with them. Your feelings towards them aren’t clear.

Ifama: They’re clear. I am simply cultivating my femininity and trying to use it to my advantage and the benefit of the two most important people in my life.

DBM: Two most important people that you’re conveniently, hiding their existence in your life from each other. Why don’t they know there are two of them competing for your attention and love?

Ifama: It’s not everything that we have to share

DBM: When you have nothing else to hide, you’re invincible.

Ifama: I want to marry the man. My pastor thinks we can pray my feelings for the woman away. I want to believe it is possible but I am not sure.

DBM: You mind me asking why you came to me?

Ifama: Someone introduced me to your Facebook.

DBM: So, you know my stance on same-sex attracted relationships?

Ifama: Yes and no.

DBM: Well, go to my blog: https://dmbir.com/blog/ click on the search bar; type and enter ‘Gay’. You will find my opinions on all the conversations I’ve had with people like you.

Ifama: Ok

DBM: Praying your feelings for the same sex to go away isn’t practical. It doesn’t work like that. However, you can choose not to entertain women romantically, if that is what you really want. Are you willing and desiring to commit to your guy wholeheartedly? Because you can if you want to.

Ifama: I want to but my feelings for the woman are real to me. I’m not sure how people will react to that.

DBM: You need to come to that place in your life where you can easily let outsiders have whatever perspective they assume of you, while you continue to live in your truth.

Ifama: It’s not that simple, Dave.

DBM: Which of the relationships brings you inner peace?

Ifama: The woman

DBM: In John 14:27 Jesus left you with a gift: Peace of heart and mind to combat the fear and anxiety you’re feeling this day. That peace is not supposed to trouble your heart. You need to lead your heart to the place where it isn’t troubled while falling in love. You need to trust that GOD knows the contents of your heart and exactly what’s best for you.

Ifama: Even though I will be judged by others?

DBM: Let not outside noise and condemnation rob you off your calm, quiet and ability to take in every single moment you get to share with the happiness love brings you.

Ifama: You say it as if it’s that easy to make it all make sense.

DBM: People typically tend to be more accommodating with you living a lie. Your existence and experiences aren’t lies. Jesus left you this gift of inner peace, knowing you’re going to need it in times like these. Let your heart be at peace. Peace that surpasses what we (the outsiders) can understand. That’s all I am suggesting to you. Anyone else who has issues with your truth should first cultivate that same energy into praying away their fornication, lying, stealing, cunning, adulterous, hateful, deceitful and corrupt ways of living.

Ifama: I will come back to this conversation again. Thank you.

Image Credit: David Kwewum

Coupling Right

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Pete: My wife was a placeholder in her ex-fiancé’s life after they had been together for 9 and half years. She gave him her best years until he met this young other lady that he later married. They’re divorced now, last I heard. Anyway, I asked my wife to marry me, 9 days after meeting her. She was 34. I was 39. I, alongside a few senior members of my family went to her father’s house to announce my intentions of marrying her. My wife was shocked. Her parents were shocked. My parents were confused because they didn’t know anything about her. My wife didn’t even know the names of my parents or siblings. In fact, she did not know my full name. She did not know where I stayed. I was in shock, yet I did it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nine days after you first set eyes on her?

Pete: 9 days. We got married 2 months later. It took 2 months because we had to follow her church’s laid down guidelines for marriage.

DBM: Did you know her that well to want to make such a huge commitment?

Pete: No

DBM: So, what was your reason then?

Pete: I knew what I wanted. I had been dating and chasing different girls prior to meeting my wife. I knew who I wanted for a wife the second day I went on a date with her. She was the woman I was certain I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

DBM: What was so special about her?

Pete: I cannot pinpoint the imperfectly perfect attributes to her as at that time, but I knew for a fact that she did not tick all of my usual boxes of what I often would go for in a woman. She was my type, yet wasn’t my type but I still somewhat, wanted to be near her. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted to be a better man for her to know. I wanted to make her smile and see her laugh. I wanted her to feel loved. I wanted her to have my love.  It’s a silly unaccountable good feeling.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pete: 27 years in September.

DBM: How did you meet?

Pete: I gave her a free ride in my car at a bus stop. It was raining and she was crying. As soon as I caught sight of her, I just knew I wanted to make her smile. It wasn’t love at first sight that struck like a lightening to leave me wondering. It was simply a gesture to want to see her smile. And she smiled for me eventually when I got her home.

DBM: How has the 26 years of being together been like?

Pete: It’s been good, it’s been bad but overall, good for me.

DBM: Kids?

Pete: No

DBM: You want kids?

Pete: I do but her situation is unique and we may not be able to have children of our own.

DBM: What is her unique situation, if you don’t mind sharing?

Pete: Before we got married, she had made me understand that she had had 4 abortions due to unplanned pregnancies for her ex-fiancé, and wasn’t sure the state of her womb.

DBM: Did it bother you?

Pete: Initially, it did not till I found out her ex had two kids with the woman he married. That got me angry because we had been married for 5 years by then. But I’d want to state that I came into this marriage with my eyes wide open.

DBM: Can you still do the rest of your life with her without children in the marriage?

Pete: Dave, childbearing has not taken too much of a toll on our marriage. We are content with what our situation offers us presently. We are taking advantage of the extra time, the extra money that could have been spent on a child, and the total freedom to do things for each other. It’s not an obligation to be a parent.

DBM: I concur. It’s not for everyone.

Pete: Yes, but it’s also a choice.

DBM: Have you had an affair or attempted to have a child outside of your marriage?

Pete: No. Respect for a spouse is not a light switch. Love is not a light switch we turn on and off to betray the people we are supposed to honor, as and when we please. My wife is the only woman who has ever made me feel at peace with my decision to want to marry and stay married to just one woman. She gives me every reason to want to be exceptional. Exceptional men stay true to their words. I vowed to make her feel loved and seen and valued. I’m going to keep my word.

Image Credit: Japhet Kweba

Image Capturing My Imagination

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mylo: My father wasn’t that upright at responding with words of truth when my mother was having a tough time trusting his actions. He couldn’t discern her feelings to treat her with compassion. I don’t even think he loved my mother that deeply, thus his inability to be consistent with her. Those were a few of my observations looking back into my childhood. I’m an adult now and I am married with no children. And as a husband, I am very thankful and fortunate to have a woman like my wife in my life.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?

Mylo: Been married for 29 years

DBM: That’s wonderful. Anyways, hello! How are you doing?

Mylo: I’m fine David. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. How did you meet your wife?

Mylo: We were friends in primary school and had kept in touch somehow.

DBM: When did you know you were developing deeper feelings for her?

Mylo: When I was in Mfantsipim School. I was finding ways to reach out to her because I realized how devoted I was exclusively to her and the friendship we shared. She was the only image of a woman capturing my wild imaginations.

DBM: Is she still the only image capturing your imaginations?

Mylo: I have not been with any other woman since the day I knew I had fallen in love with her. I’m drawn to her like bees to honey.

DBM: But you’ve been tempted or attracted to others every now and then, no?

Mylo: David, this may come as a shock but I’ve always been committed to my wife.

DBM: Why do you think other men find it so easy to be unfaithful?

Mylo: A man decides what he wants to do. A woman doesn’t have to do anything wrong to make a man cheat. He decides not to be honest. He decides when it’s convenient to lie. He decides who to play the field with. He decides when he thinks he’s ready to marry or not. All these decisions are made by the man without the help from a woman.

DBM: So, life and marriage in general is perfect for you then?

Mylo: My marriage isn’t perfect. We have our ups and downs. She gets mad at me every now and then but she loves me. I love my wife. Even in times she’s said or done something to get on my nerves, I remind myself of how much she loves me, and that she’s not intentionally trying to hurt me. I tell myself we will get through it. And we always do.

DBM: What would you tell the single, young woman reading this conversation and thinking of getting married someday?

Mylo: Do not assume that because you want to be married at a certain age means all the men you are dating and attracted to are ready for marriage. A lot of men do not want to outgrow their single phase. Conditioning such a man to marry you only gets you a husband at home. He’s partially single when he’s out of the house.

DBM: I know a number of married men who have told me they’re cheating on their wives because they’re not getting enough sex at home. What’s your take on that?

Mylo: Sex should not threaten love. As men, we need to know how to ask our wives for intimacy, not just sex. If I’m to cheat on my wife, it’s because I choose to be selfish. I’ll either choose to be dishonest or choose not to. My inability to fully commit to my marriage and wife isn’t the doing of anyone but myself.

DBM: You have no children, you said?

Mylo: No children and it’s okay. We all can’t have it all. The life I’ve built with my wife and the happiness we’ve created in our marriage feels like all the family we’ve ever wanted. My wife is full of love and is excited about me. I’m challenged everyday to remember why I married her and the home we look forward to in our future together, even if children are not a part of it. We are living a very contented, satisfying life.

DBM: What do you say to couples out there walking in these same shoes without children?

Mylo: You cannot pull the child-card as your excuse to betray the trust your spouse has in you. Doing that simply means your reasons for marrying wasn’t love. Know the bigger vision and purpose for your marriage. The love and connection beyond what you thought you could have or want.

Image Credit: Jbsp Kox’s

When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

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