Paying Him Forward – [After The Date – Update]

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: The date night went well. I was nervous but we both showed the best versions of ourselves.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you wish to see him again?

Lorraine: I don’t think so

DBM: Why not?

Lorraine: I doubt it would lead anywhere

DBM: Was that his conclusion too?

Lorraine: No. He wants a second date

DBM: How was the conversation like, between the two of you?

Lorraine: It flowed nicely. He maintained eye contact with me throughout the date. He asked very sensible questions and was of course, flirting with me. He found me attractive.

DBM: You asked the question?

Lorraine: I did, when I realized he would quickly smile back at me anytime I smiled about something he had said. We initially were seated opposite each other by the table but before the date ended, he had drawn closer to my chair and was leaning into the conversation.

DBM: If I am interested in someone and what they have to say, I would lean closer too. That’s a positive sign I believe.

Lorraine: I thought so till the awkward moment.

DBM: Oh Oh! What did he do now?

Lorraine: I asked about his feelings for my daughter.

DBM: And?

Lorraine: He said that chapter had closed. I asked if they were intimate in the three years of their friendship. He first cleared his throat, slowly sipped his drink. And then smiled. And then there was that awkward pause. He then said he didn’t want to lie to me.

DBM: Lie to you about what?

Lorraine: That was all he said.

DBM: How did the date end?

Lorraine: On a good note. He drove me back home, talked a bit in his car in front of my gate, gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.

DBM: Do you mind me asking a few personal questions?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Can you take me through your activities for the day, leading to the date?

Lorraine: I woke up to a text message from him. A greeting and how he was looking forward to our date. He asked me not to drive to work that morning because his driver was on his way to pick me up to work. My daughter had given him the locations to my house and work. His driver brought me flowers. I thought that was very sweet of him. I was taken to work, and was picked up from work later by him.

DBM: Okay! What kind of conversations did you have on the date?

Lorraine: We talked about almost everything important to us. He wanted to know more about my life, my interests, anything in my past I was willing to share and my plans for the future. He shared his with me too. We were very expressive about our feelings.

DBM: Was there chemistry between the two of you?

Lorraine: There was chemistry, so much chemistry that could have led to sex if I had allowed it.

DBM: Okay! Describe the relationship between you and your daughter to me.

Lorraine: You might not quite get it but my daughter is my best friend. I was a parent to her when she was young but as she grew into this amazing young woman, the friendship component to our mother-daughter relationship suddenly has blossomed. Dave, the desire of every mother is for their children to like them. My daughter has always liked me. Even in the years I thought she wouldn’t need me anymore, she would come and take me out shopping or fine dining. It melts my heart when she calls me every day to tell me how much she loves me. She makes all the scarifies I’ve made for her sake worth it. Watching my baby girl grow into the lady she’s becoming is more rewarding than I could have ever thought.

DBM: What’s the story between you and her biological father?

Lorraine: He was the branch manager at my second employment. I had been hired as the assistant to the Relationship Manager to enhance client satisfaction while driving revenue growth. He used to seek my opinions on investments and financial services. We became more than friends and I got pregnant in the process. The day I shared the news with him; he told me he was engaged and soon to be married to his girlfriend who was also pregnant for him. He gave me the option to abort the pregnancy but I kept it.

DBM: Did you know he had a girlfriend?

Lorraine: No. He told me he was an available man and not married.

DBM: Is he present in your daughter’s life?

Lorraine: He took responsibility from a distance. They’re not so close because his wife doesn’t know about her existence but they manage to meet and catch up from time to time.

DBM: He married the pregnant girlfriend?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: What happened to your relationship with him?

Lorraine: There was no relationship between us after he made me aware he had a girlfriend. It ended the day I shared my pregnancy news.

DBM: Back to your daughter; now we know she probably might have shared more than just a kiss with your date. How does this new information reflect on you?

Lorraine: I am, in equal measures, perturbed and disappointed in her. She should have told me the whole truth.

DBM: Would you have gone on a date with him if she had been honest about her relationship with him?

Lorraine: No. It’s very embarrassing, Dave.

DBM: You have nothing to be embarrassed about, really. You were merely acting on her word, which you believed was the truth.

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Do you intend seeing him again?

Lorraine: No

DBM: You’re certain?

Lorraine: 100%. It was a beautiful connection but my intuition is telling me that he is the type that is really good at creating the right impact on women. He’s skilled in asking the right questions, having eye contact and pretending to be listening to you intently so he can give the best answers. He knows how to connect with single women looking for love and impressing them along the ride. That’s not what I am looking for at the moment.

DBM: I see. It’s all good.

Lorraine: Dave, thank the people on your Facebook page for me. I read all their comments and concerns on our first chat. I did not take their opinions for granted.

DBM: There really are genuine, goodhearted single men out there praying to come into contact with a heart like yours. All the good men aren’t taken. The kind of man you seek doesn’t grow on trees, that is why I am hoping you wouldn’t let the least pleasant experience with this guy daunt you from being openminded to what else there is to come. Because another unique experience will come your way. Do not close off so easily nor sit home waiting for a man to fall out of the sky and land on your lap. Go out there. Make new friends. Put your energies into the right people and trust that you can do right by yourself.

Lorraine: You are so kind. You are so kind. Thank you David.

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

And Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Carle: Hi Dave. Can I use your platform to apologize to my ex-wife?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What did you do to your wife?

Carle: I don’t want to share our personal issues with you. I just want a platform to apologize

DBM: Why do you want to use my platform? That’s my question

Carle: She comments on your page.

DBM: Okay!

Carle: Esi, I am so sorry. I couldn’t help it. I tried to stop. I know what I said many times to you but the truth is, you have always been there for me. You have always been willing to meet my needs. I betrayed your trust and let you down. For that, I am sorry. I am seeking the help I need. I thought what I was doing would make our marriage better. I have realized that you make me better. I want to be better. I want to be better for you. I really love you

DBM: You have to be better for yourself, not Esi.

Carle: Dave

DBM: What?

Carle: Please. Don’t start

DBM: No, seriously, have you sat with the fact that you intentionally, chose to hurt the woman who had trust in you?

Carle: How is that your concern?

DBM: Let me guess, you slipped a mistress in the equation, no? If you have something to hide, then you have something to protect.

Carle: I made a mistake and the guilt is keeping me up at night. I am ashamed of my actions and I have regrets because I destroyed our family. I just want to repair what has been broken.

DBM: A woman’s trust in you is very fragile. One careless misstep can fracture the relationship beyond repair if not appropriately addressed.

Carle: That is why I need a second chance.

DBM: Is this really your second chance? Or she had given you chance upon chance to do right by her and the marriage?

Carle: I made a mistake

DBM: How do you intend fixing a problem you’re still refusing to look at?

Carle: What do you mean?

DBM: You’re referring to your action as a ‘mistake’. How can you scar your wife’s heart with another person and call it a mistake?

Carle: I don’t need to explain myself to you

DBM: You addressed her as your ‘ex-wife’. Are you divorced?

Carle: Yes

DBM: For how long now?

Carle: 2 years

DBM: What were you doing these past two years?

Carle: Nothing

DBM: Were you dating any of the girls you made mistakes with?

Carle: Yes

DBM: Are you still together?

Carle: No

DBM: Why are you not together?

Carle: She left me

DBM: Why?

Carle: Because I wanted to be with my wife.

DBM: It’s up to your ex-wife to forgive you.

Carle: I’m hoping she would accept my apology.

DBM: She can decide not to accept this apology, and you’d have to respect that decision too.

Carle: I want to bring my family back together.

DBM: Fixing what you took for granted doesn’t start with her forgiveness. It begins with you, changing for real, and for the better.

Carle: I have changed

DBM: Good for you, but that wouldn’t necessarily push her toward the kind of decision you’re hoping for.

Carle: I just want her to read this message

DBM: And assuming she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you again after reading the message, you can use this experience as a learning opportunity and simply apply whatever it has taught you to future relationships. Every effort we put into a relationship matters to the integrity of its overall state.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Paying Him Forward

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: Hello David. I want to talk about something

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Lorraine: As wonderful as ever.

DBM: Good to know. What’s on your mind?

Lorraine: My daughter wants to hook me up with a man who initially was interested in, and pursuing her.

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Lorraine: 26

DBM: How old are you?

Lorraine: 48. I had my daughter when I was very young, in my early twenties.

DBM: And how old is this guy we’re talking about?

Lorraine: 52

DBM: I see. And to what extent did your daughter go with this man during his pursuit of her?

Lorraine: She said they only kissed

DBM: How many times?

Lorraine: Once.

DBM: How long has he known your daughter?

Lorraine: They’ve been friends for three years

DBM: She defined their relationship as ‘friendship’?

Lorraine: Friends

DBM: With no type of benefits?

Lorraine: Not that I know of. I’m just going by my daughter’s word

DBM: And you trust your daughter?

Lorraine: 100%. She wouldn’t lie to me

DBM: Have you met this man?

Lorraine: Not yet

DBM: But you’ve spoken to him before?

Lorraine: Once on the phone

DBM: What did you talk about?

Lorraine: Nothing. She wanted me to say hello to her friend and I did.

DBM: Why is she passing him on to you?

Lorraine: She’s met someone younger and closer to her age that she really likes.

DBM: And the 52-year-old knows this?

Lorraine: Yes. I’ve always taught my daughter that anytime she’s no longer interested in dating a guy, she had to break up with him quickly rather than dragging the relationship on for months or years.

DBM: Is he single? As in, no one else in the world somewhere thinks they’re in an intimate or exclusive relationship with him?

Lorraine: Yes, my daughter confirmed that

DBM: Are you single?

Lorraine: I am single.

DBM: Are you interested in this man?

Lorraine: I want to get to know him. He seems like a great person.

DBM: Is he interested in knowing you?

Lorraine: Yes, I got a text message from him, asking me out on a date.

DBM: Has he any kids?

Lorraine: He has two grown boys.

DBM: I don’t see any wrong in this exploration, unless I’m missing something

Lorraine: I think I’m a bit skeptical because he has been interested in my daughter for three years

DBM: He likes them young

Lorraine: That’s my biggest fear, Dave.

DBM: You’re a young woman yourself. You don’t look 48

Lorraine: Thank you but I’m still concerned.

DBM: About?

Lorraine: His preference in age

DBM: Has he specifically told you or your daughter his desired preference?

Lorraine: No

DBM: So, ask him on the date

Lorraine: Ask him what?

DBM: If he finds you attractive. As sensitive a subject as it is, people’s preferences and motivations do vary, whether you like it or not. We all can’t go for the same things.

Lorraine: What if he doesn’t?

DBM: Then he doesn’t! Life goes on. There are a few things that would only come with age

Lorraine: Like?

DBM: Like hearing the heart of your mind in thoughts even before you utter a word. If you can command a man’s attention with your presence, you will have his attention on something else other than what he usually would go for. You have to look it, because sometimes it’s the look (for most men). For others, it’s the vibe they sense the moment you walk into the room.

Lorraine: It wouldn’t make him think I’m desperate if I ask the attraction question?

DBM: I mean, a degree of tact and caution is needed but read his countenance regardless, before deciding to ask. But it’s an important question you’d have to ask before returning home from the date.

Lorraine: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Lorraine: You really think I’m beautiful?

DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. Why, you don’t think you are?

Lorraine: Women my age have no chance competing with these young girls. The beauty standards of today are equated to looking and staying young.

DBM: You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re ageing gracefully. Some men do appreciate experience and maturity in a woman.

Lorraine: Dave, do you trust your gender?

DBM: No! A lot of the men out there are not being real. They’re busy playing roles and putting on spectacular shows to craft an image of perfection for you to fall for. Be in tune with your intuition at all times. That’s the only wake-up call to lead you right. Do not easily fall for their well-rehearsed lines that they feel would get them your needed applause. A lot of these guys looking all nice and important echo nothing short of hollowness. Do not be a victim to how they strategically would edit and revise their way into your heart. GOD made you smart, not desperate. Tap into your smart.

Lorraine: I like the way you talk to me, David.

DBM: Good to know. Keep me updated.

Lorraine: Ok. Bye

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Constant Craving

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ifama: Good evening, David. Are you free to chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Ifama: Not so great

DBM: Why not?

Ifama: It’s a long story.

DBM: Let’s make it a bit short, can we?

Ifama: Yes. Please post me anonymously

DBM: I will

Ifama: I’ve been playing the field, and I am still confused because I don’t know what I want.

DBM: Playing the field as in?

Ifama: In a relationship with two people at the same time.

DBM: They know you’re dating them both?

Ifama: No

DBM: Are you being intimate with both?

Ifama: Yes

DBM: What do you want out of these relationships?

Ifama: What every woman wants

DBM: And, that is?

Ifama: For my needs to be met

DBM: What does Relationship A add to your life?

Ifama: Love. He is so in love with me. He has the financial means and is very protective of his money and assets. He sees me as an asset in his heart and has given me access to his wealth. I am not just a pretty face, Dave, I match his intellectual aspirations. He knows I am an independent, hardworking woman and can take care of myself but he doesn’t want me to. He wants to be the only one to take care of me.

DBM: What does Relationship B add to your life?

Ifama: She respects me a lot. She acknowledges and honors my accomplishments. She respects my opinions and viewpoints. My suggestions and input on everything are welcomed. I don’t feel overlooked or taken for granted, Dave. I am seen and valued. Unlike my other situationship, her actions towards me and our relationship does not send different signals or communicate different messages to me. She is consistent with her love for me. I don’t feel like I am compromising or settling for less than what I deserve. She meets me where I am at any moment in life and treats me justly, and equitably too. She’s like my best friend, very patient in how she indulges me. I don’t feel like I have to jump any bar higher than I am capable of just to prove myself.

DBM: How about the romantic aspect of the spark?

Ifama: It’s burning with flames and keeping me excited and alive. Dave, this is a relationship that I not only want but I know I absolutely need to build a future.

DBM: You’re bisexual, I’m guessing?

Ifama: I could be. I wish there was a way to determine which of them would be my perfect match

DBM: The true intentions of a human heart and whatever it’s feeling for you cannot be predicted, unfortunately. You can never know which of them, genuinely, would do right by you.

Ifama: What do I do? Because I think I have fallen in love with them for different reasons.

DBM: I don’t know what else to tell you. What you are doing would give any of them more than enough reason to doubt you. This kind of relationship wouldn’t flourish because you’re not being honest with them. Your feelings towards them aren’t clear.

Ifama: They’re clear. I am simply cultivating my femininity and trying to use it to my advantage and the benefit of the two most important people in my life.

DBM: Two most important people that you’re conveniently, hiding their existence in your life from each other. Why don’t they know there are two of them competing for your attention and love?

Ifama: It’s not everything that we have to share

DBM: When you have nothing else to hide, you’re invincible.

Ifama: I want to marry the man. My pastor thinks we can pray my feelings for the woman away. I want to believe it is possible but I am not sure.

DBM: You mind me asking why you came to me?

Ifama: Someone introduced me to your Facebook.

DBM: So, you know my stance on same-sex attracted relationships?

Ifama: Yes and no.

DBM: Well, go to my blog: https://dmbir.com/blog/ click on the search bar; type and enter ‘Gay’. You will find my opinions on all the conversations I’ve had with people like you.

Ifama: Ok

DBM: Praying your feelings for the same sex to go away isn’t practical. It doesn’t work like that. However, you can choose not to entertain women romantically, if that is what you really want. Are you willing and desiring to commit to your guy wholeheartedly? Because you can if you want to.

Ifama: I want to but my feelings for the woman are real to me. I’m not sure how people will react to that.

DBM: You need to come to that place in your life where you can easily let outsiders have whatever perspective they assume of you, while you continue to live in your truth.

Ifama: It’s not that simple, Dave.

DBM: Which of the relationships brings you inner peace?

Ifama: The woman

DBM: In John 14:27 Jesus left you with a gift: Peace of heart and mind to combat the fear and anxiety you’re feeling this day. That peace is not supposed to trouble your heart. You need to lead your heart to the place where it isn’t troubled while falling in love. You need to trust that GOD knows the contents of your heart and exactly what’s best for you.

Ifama: Even though I will be judged by others?

DBM: Let not outside noise and condemnation rob you off your calm, quiet and ability to take in every single moment you get to share with the happiness love brings you.

Ifama: You say it as if it’s that easy to make it all make sense.

DBM: People typically tend to be more accommodating with you living a lie. Your existence and experiences aren’t lies. Jesus left you this gift of inner peace, knowing you’re going to need it in times like these. Let your heart be at peace. Peace that surpasses what we (the outsiders) can understand. That’s all I am suggesting to you. Anyone else who has issues with your truth should first cultivate that same energy into praying away their fornication, lying, stealing, cunning, adulterous, hateful, deceitful and corrupt ways of living.

Ifama: I will come back to this conversation again. Thank you.

Image Credit: David Kwewum

Coupling Right

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Pete: My wife was a placeholder in her ex-fiancé’s life after they had been together for 9 and half years. She gave him her best years until he met this young other lady that he later married. They’re divorced now, last I heard. Anyway, I asked my wife to marry me, 9 days after meeting her. She was 34. I was 39. I, alongside a few senior members of my family went to her father’s house to announce my intentions of marrying her. My wife was shocked. Her parents were shocked. My parents were confused because they didn’t know anything about her. My wife didn’t even know the names of my parents or siblings. In fact, she did not know my full name. She did not know where I stayed. I was in shock, yet I did it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nine days after you first set eyes on her?

Pete: 9 days. We got married 2 months later. It took 2 months because we had to follow her church’s laid down guidelines for marriage.

DBM: Did you know her that well to want to make such a huge commitment?

Pete: No

DBM: So, what was your reason then?

Pete: I knew what I wanted. I had been dating and chasing different girls prior to meeting my wife. I knew who I wanted for a wife the second day I went on a date with her. She was the woman I was certain I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

DBM: What was so special about her?

Pete: I cannot pinpoint the imperfectly perfect attributes to her as at that time, but I knew for a fact that she did not tick all of my usual boxes of what I often would go for in a woman. She was my type, yet wasn’t my type but I still somewhat, wanted to be near her. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted to be a better man for her to know. I wanted to make her smile and see her laugh. I wanted her to feel loved. I wanted her to have my love.  It’s a silly unaccountable good feeling.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pete: 27 years in September.

DBM: How did you meet?

Pete: I gave her a free ride in my car at a bus stop. It was raining and she was crying. As soon as I caught sight of her, I just knew I wanted to make her smile. It wasn’t love at first sight that struck like a lightening to leave me wondering. It was simply a gesture to want to see her smile. And she smiled for me eventually when I got her home.

DBM: How has the 26 years of being together been like?

Pete: It’s been good, it’s been bad but overall, good for me.

DBM: Kids?

Pete: No

DBM: You want kids?

Pete: I do but her situation is unique and we may not be able to have children of our own.

DBM: What is her unique situation, if you don’t mind sharing?

Pete: Before we got married, she had made me understand that she had had 4 abortions due to unplanned pregnancies for her ex-fiancé, and wasn’t sure the state of her womb.

DBM: Did it bother you?

Pete: Initially, it did not till I found out her ex had two kids with the woman he married. That got me angry because we had been married for 5 years by then. But I’d want to state that I came into this marriage with my eyes wide open.

DBM: Can you still do the rest of your life with her without children in the marriage?

Pete: Dave, childbearing has not taken too much of a toll on our marriage. We are content with what our situation offers us presently. We are taking advantage of the extra time, the extra money that could have been spent on a child, and the total freedom to do things for each other. It’s not an obligation to be a parent.

DBM: I concur. It’s not for everyone.

Pete: Yes, but it’s also a choice.

DBM: Have you had an affair or attempted to have a child outside of your marriage?

Pete: No. Respect for a spouse is not a light switch. Love is not a light switch we turn on and off to betray the people we are supposed to honor, as and when we please. My wife is the only woman who has ever made me feel at peace with my decision to want to marry and stay married to just one woman. She gives me every reason to want to be exceptional. Exceptional men stay true to their words. I vowed to make her feel loved and seen and valued. I’m going to keep my word.

Image Credit: Japhet Kweba

Image Capturing My Imagination

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mylo: My father wasn’t that upright at responding with words of truth when my mother was having a tough time trusting his actions. He couldn’t discern her feelings to treat her with compassion. I don’t even think he loved my mother that deeply, thus his inability to be consistent with her. Those were a few of my observations looking back into my childhood. I’m an adult now and I am married with no children. And as a husband, I am very thankful and fortunate to have a woman like my wife in my life.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?

Mylo: Been married for 29 years

DBM: That’s wonderful. Anyways, hello! How are you doing?

Mylo: I’m fine David. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. How did you meet your wife?

Mylo: We were friends in primary school and had kept in touch somehow.

DBM: When did you know you were developing deeper feelings for her?

Mylo: When I was in Mfantsipim School. I was finding ways to reach out to her because I realized how devoted I was exclusively to her and the friendship we shared. She was the only image of a woman capturing my wild imaginations.

DBM: Is she still the only image capturing your imaginations?

Mylo: I have not been with any other woman since the day I knew I had fallen in love with her. I’m drawn to her like bees to honey.

DBM: But you’ve been tempted or attracted to others every now and then, no?

Mylo: David, this may come as a shock but I’ve always been committed to my wife.

DBM: Why do you think other men find it so easy to be unfaithful?

Mylo: A man decides what he wants to do. A woman doesn’t have to do anything wrong to make a man cheat. He decides not to be honest. He decides when it’s convenient to lie. He decides who to play the field with. He decides when he thinks he’s ready to marry or not. All these decisions are made by the man without the help from a woman.

DBM: So, life and marriage in general is perfect for you then?

Mylo: My marriage isn’t perfect. We have our ups and downs. She gets mad at me every now and then but she loves me. I love my wife. Even in times she’s said or done something to get on my nerves, I remind myself of how much she loves me, and that she’s not intentionally trying to hurt me. I tell myself we will get through it. And we always do.

DBM: What would you tell the single, young woman reading this conversation and thinking of getting married someday?

Mylo: Do not assume that because you want to be married at a certain age means all the men you are dating and attracted to are ready for marriage. A lot of men do not want to outgrow their single phase. Conditioning such a man to marry you only gets you a husband at home. He’s partially single when he’s out of the house.

DBM: I know a number of married men who have told me they’re cheating on their wives because they’re not getting enough sex at home. What’s your take on that?

Mylo: Sex should not threaten love. As men, we need to know how to ask our wives for intimacy, not just sex. If I’m to cheat on my wife, it’s because I choose to be selfish. I’ll either choose to be dishonest or choose not to. My inability to fully commit to my marriage and wife isn’t the doing of anyone but myself.

DBM: You have no children, you said?

Mylo: No children and it’s okay. We all can’t have it all. The life I’ve built with my wife and the happiness we’ve created in our marriage feels like all the family we’ve ever wanted. My wife is full of love and is excited about me. I’m challenged everyday to remember why I married her and the home we look forward to in our future together, even if children are not a part of it. We are living a very contented, satisfying life.

DBM: What do you say to couples out there walking in these same shoes without children?

Mylo: You cannot pull the child-card as your excuse to betray the trust your spouse has in you. Doing that simply means your reasons for marrying wasn’t love. Know the bigger vision and purpose for your marriage. The love and connection beyond what you thought you could have or want.

Image Credit: Jbsp Kox’s

When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Men of Valor

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Crocks: Good morning, Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Crocks: Not bad. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. What’s on your mind?

Crocks: I’m part of a secret society for some select elites. It’s basically like a Gentlemen’s Club sort of. It’s not your everyday normal clubs for men. It’s a membership based exclusive gathering of not more than 15 men and 15 women in a day. I don’t go there every day. At most, twice in a week for me to meet people. I’m trying to be careful with my choice of words now because we are not supposed to be discussing our society on social media.

DBM: I understand. How does one become a member?

Crocks: You have to be recommended by a member who can vouch for your standing. But our society is to a varying degree closed to outsiders.

DBM: I see. Does one pay to become a member?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: How much are we talking about?

Crocks: 5k

DBM: A month?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: To do what?

Crocks: Our meeting venue has 15 private bedrooms paired with 15 full bathrooms and two multi-generational living spaces for the entertainment of its members. It’s a space for men and women who love sex and believe pleasuring themselves is their birthright to sign up to explore themselves in curious and safe ways. Our society was created for the members to go all out in exploring the hidden pleasures around our bodies. You get where I am going with this?

DBM: I do. Hook-up joint?

Crocks: A classy and mystical version of hook-up with rules and regulations governing its operation. Members don’t drive there.

DBM: How do you get there?

Crocks: We’re picked up to and from the venue in luxury vehicles owned by the society. It prevents being tracked to the location by spouses. Majority of the male members are married. Some of the female members are married too. We’re fed if you request to be fed. There is an open bar for us to drink and hang out.

DBM: Sounds interesting

Crocks: It is.

DBM: You get to sleep over too

Crocks: Of course. But we have a 24-hour limit not to exceed.

DBM: Why did you reach out to me?

Crocks: I met someone I know in November of last year. She’s the wife of one of my close friends. She was hanging out and talking to some of the guys in the bar area. I was in shock seeing her there because she knows my wife very well.

DBM: Wait! So, you don’t go there with a female interest of your choice to hang out?

Crocks: Some men do. If you have your personal thingy you play with already, you sign her up as a member and meet on the days you meet with her. But most guys just show up to meet with random female members to hook up with.

DBM: What happened next with your friend’s wife?

Crocks: Nothing happened between us that day. She connected with another guy and they went to a room together. I called her a week later to discuss my shock seeing her there and we laughed about it. Two weeks later, she called me to give a day and time. I knew what she meant so I booked a room for that day and we met. She told me it had taken her a bit longer to decide if I would also make suitable sex partner.

DBM: Had you ever been attracted to her in that way?

Crocks: I don’t know. I hadn’t thought of her in that way. She’s a very pretty lady Dave. Physically attractive and very funny. She was desirable to me. We hooked up and became intimate. I enjoyed our time together. We started to meet once every week. I stopped showing up on other days to meet with random women because in my mind, we were building an unspoken relationship. I later got to know last week that she’s still meeting with the other guy she hooked up with the day I first saw her at the lounge on different days.

DBM: Does she know she’s in an unspoken relationship with you?

Crocks: I thought she would understand since we know each other and our families are friends. I felt it would be best to rather keep it close and safe.

DBM: Do you know why she’s a member of the group?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: Why?

Crocks: The other guy is the one paying for her membership.

DBM: Oh, I see. How long has she been a member?

Crocks: Since 2024

DBM: Ha! And, November 2025 was your first time seeing her there?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: And you want to build an exclusive relationship with her on the account of another man?

Crocks: I’m falling in love with her

DBM: Are her feelings towards you mutual?

Crocks: I don’t know

DBM: What made you join this society?

Crocks: My wife is great but I am unhappy in the marriage. I thought I had no other choice to walk out of it. I find solace being a member of this club, even if only temporary. Also, I got to meet very attractive women there. My wife isn’t ugly but there are pretty girls out there who are more attractive and eager to explore different things with a man. A satisfying sex life for a man isn’t only doggy and missionary. My desires were unmet and I had to look outside.

DBM: Why is your friend’s wife a registered member?

Crocks: I don’t know.

DBM: Ask her and come back with an update. Listen, I know you probably adore your women but they ought to frighten you too. I know a very calm, nice, soft tongue lady who is frightened by her own self. Not because these living species bleed for a week straight every month and wouldn’t die; be afraid of what you cannot see in these living creatures when you look them deep in their eyes while making out. You can never predict their real next move.

Crocks: Ok. Thanks.

Image Credit: Cottonbro studio

Love In Both Worlds

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Snow: Dave, I’m in your inbox today

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing?

Snow: Living the dream, Bruh. Don’t wake me up. Lol

DBM: You’re funny. Lol! Smh! What’s on your mind?

Snow: So, I read one of your conversations and it brought back some funny memories.

DBM: Which of them?

Snow: The girl having a child with her father.

DBM: Oh, okay! That’s a recent chat.

Snow: Yes

DBM: What’s funny about it?

Snow: My wife is 18 years my senior. And I had dated her daughter in the past

DBM: 18 years your senior, meaning, your wife is 18 years older than you?

Snow: Yes, but she doesn’t look her age. In fact, I look older than her if we don’t disclose our ages

DBM: How long have you been married?

Snow: 11 years

DBM: How old are you now?

Snow: 39

DBM: You dated her daughter you said?

Snow: Yeah, a long time ago. I didn’t know about her mother, though she had told me she was her mother’s only child. Her father died when she was 7years old. She was my girlfriend when she was in first year at UG Legon.

DBM: And you dated for how long?

Snow: 7 months before my graduation

DBM: And, you never met her mother during that phase of your relationship?

Snow: I didn’t.

DBM: How did you meet her mother?

Snow: 2 years after breaking up with her daughter. I applied for a job, got shortlisted and she was part of the interviewing panel.

DBM: I see

Snow: I couldn’t stop making eye contact with her when she asked me to walk her through my resume. I realized she wasn’t married because I checked that finger and we caught each other’s eyes and smiled at each other. The weirdest shit I’ve ever done in an interview.

DBM: You’re that confident, huh?

Snow: Calm and confident

DBM: Interesting

Snow: She asked only two questions. Her last question was what I could bring to the company as a demonstration of my skills in leadership. Funnily enough, I didn’t realize the others on the panel had realized I couldn’t take my eyes off my wife. Instead of answering the question, I rather was telling her how great I was at making tough decision while also listening to my woman and being willing to admit to her when I am wrong. I told her I would include my woman in imagining the future. I also said we would discuss household responsibilities together and make sure they are fairly dispersed. I made her understand that I was going to always consult with her on all major financing decisions. I made her know I was going to follow through with any commitment I would make to her, etc. Dave, it was crazy

DBM: Wait, what was her question again?

Snow: Lol. I didn’t get hired.

DBM: I figured. Lol!

Snow: But they had a good laugh. They told me point blank that I wasn’t going to get the job but asked if I had any questions for the panel. I turned to my wife and asked if she was single

DBM: For real?

Snow: True story Dave. I asked for her number when she confirmed being single. A member of the panel asked if I knew her age. She told me her age and I was in shock. I held on to her number for couple of weeks to think through my feelings before finally giving her a call to ask her out on a date. We realized how deep our connection was. It was beyond sexual attraction.

DBM: Wow! What happened next?

Snow: I fell in love with her eventually and we’ve remained best friends and lovers ever since.

DBM: Has it been an easy relationship and marriage?

Snow: It’s been one struggle after the other but we’re still managing through it. I fell in love with my wife that fast and I love her even harder today.

DBM: The age gap, I mean, is a bit yawning. Were you not concerned about what the outside world would perceive of you?

Snow: My wife actually wanted me to marry someone my age bracket and have children but I was in love and didn’t see why I couldn’t be with her.

DBM: The conversation about her daughter, how did it begin?

Snow: Dave, that is a long story to be told for another day. Lol

DBM: Not even a bit of tea? Lol!

Snow: She showed me a picture of her daughter on our first date and she noticed my discomfort. I told her the truth and it was an awkward night afterwards. She didn’t speak to me for weeks. I called her daughter and explained the coincidence to her and she burst into laughter. I later came to find out she had reached out to her mother to tell her what a good guy I was.

DBM: Are you a good guy?

Snow: I am a wonderful husband to my wife and friend to my step daughter.

DBM: Whom you used to fuck

Snow: I’ve had a taste of both worlds but life goes on.

DBM: How did your relationship with her daughter end on campus?

Snow: She was messing around with another guy. I ended it between us.

DBM: I see. Some of your age mates are campaigning rigorously for men to only go for girls under the age of 30. What’s your take on that?

Snow: The fact is that, women over 30 know quite a lot about men because of their experiences with men in their pasts. They know we cheat and mostly are all for the hook up; we lie, we ghost and would assault if given the chance. They know when not to trust a man at the tipping point of their patience. An under 30 girl tolerates almost anything mediocre so far as there is something monetary to gain.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife with another woman?

Snow: No

DBM; Do you think younger men ought to consider pursuing older women?

Snow: Dave, love can be found in unexpected places and more often than not. It’s all about respect and honor. A man will not disappoint or betray his love for you if he respects and honors you. This is my best relationship so far, though it looks nothing like what I used to imagine for myself when I was young. My love feels right though unconventional. We understand each other and we compromise for each other.

DBM: Well said!

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch

My Father’s Son

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Maryam: I fell in love and got pregnant for a man who we later found out is my father.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh!

Maryam: Yes

DBM: How are you doing?

Maryam: I’m fine today

DBM: How old are you?

Maryam: 27

DBM: You grew up not knowing who your father was?

Maryam: My mother was 18 years old when she got pregnant with me. She was involved with my father for a month and she never got to see him again.

DBM: How so?

Maryam: She couldn’t really explain the full story. They were meeting to hook up for that month in a guest house. She didn’t know where he lived or worked. All she knew was his first name and what he looked like.

DBM: Did he know about the pregnancy?

Maryam: No

DBM: What was his reason for disappearing on your mom?

Maryam: He had been transferred to the North, and was in the process of packing out when he met my mother. He remembers casually meeting with several women to have fun with and wasn’t particularly thinking any of them could get pregnant.

DBM; So, it wasn’t an exclusive something with your mother?

Maryam: Not according to him.

DBM: But he knew your mother’s name, no?

Maryam: Vaguely, but he remembered her face when he saw a picture of her.

DBM: Ha!

Maryam: I gave birth to my own brother.

DBM: You carried the pregnancy to term?

Maryam: I was in my 32 – 33ish weeks’ gestation. It couldn’t have been aborted

DBM: I see. How did you meet?

Maryam: In traffic. He gave me a lift home after work, and he pursued me afterwards.

DBM: You’re single?

Maryam: Yes

DBM: I’m guessing he’s a single man too, no?

Maryam: He’s married

DBM: You knew of his marital status before or after your first intimate encounter?

Maryam: After

DBM: I see. And, how long have you two been an item?

Maryam: We met on February 11th, 2025

DBM: How long has he been married to his wife?

Maryam: 12 years

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Maryam: I’m not sure Dave. I feel hurt and heartbroken. It’s disappointing and devastating to say the least.

DBM: Do you love him?

Maryam: I am in love with him. He’s the gentlest, most emotionally available, kind hearted man I have ever met in my life.

DBM: Does he love you?

Maryam: I don’t know, but I knew I was falling in love with him when I realized how often he would call me every evening, wanting to share details about his day with me, and wanting to know about mine.

DBM: How did you find out he was your dad?

Maryam: I visited my mother to inform her about my pregnancy. She wanted to know about the father of the child. I showed her pictures of him.

DBM: How old is your dad?

Maryam: In his late 40’s

DBM: How does he feel about everything happening?

Maryam: We’re still trying to figure out whatever this situation is

DBM: How is your mother processing everything that has happened?

Maryam: She’s trying not to venture into the land of self-pity

DBM: Are you still being intimate with this guy?

Maryam: No, but he visits me at home every day. He’s taken over the full responsibility as a father should, to his son.

DBM: What is your mother’s relationship with him now like?

Maryam: She has no relationship with him. They’ve talked only once, after introducing them.

DBM: Is your mother married?

Maryam: Yes.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

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