Rich Man’s Wife

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Quayeba: My first time in your inbox. Should I be worried or it’s safe in here? Lol

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hehehe! Welcome!

Quayeba: Thank you. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. How are you doing?

Quayeba: Fine. Where do I begin…

DBM: Lol!

Quayeba: I’m 36 years old. Been married for 7 years. I married a rich man. Not for love but to overcome the extreme poverty that marked my upbringing. Dave, my parents couldn’t afford to pay our bills. The kind of hardship I had to endure growing up poor affected the trajectory of my childhood as I went through life. I cannot count the number of jobs my parents had to work to be able to pay our school fees or feed us. That was why when I first looked at a picture of myself in junior high school and realized how beautiful I was, I was awestruck. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was like, everything else disappeared for me to have a mind shift. I wasn’t going to undervalue my appearance. I was a beautiful woman, and that was something I could use to escape poverty. All the men I’ve attracted and entertained have been rich or had extra money to spare. I didn’t really care if they slept with other women. It wasn’t an issue for me so long as he can provide me with a lifestyle that I wasn’t used to. I agreed to marry my husband because he could provide me the needed financial security. We live in a beautiful home and I get to go on luxury vacations with our children. My children get to live the life I never had growing up.

DBM: You have it all figured out, I guess?

Quayeba: Oh no, but I was willing to give my theory a chance.

DBM: Are you happy?

Quayeba: Dave, I am very happy with my life

DBM: Are you happily married?

Quayeba: Marriage is providing me and my children all the comfort and stability we need. I can’t complain. My conscience and dignity have an understanding with me. We don’t want to suffer or struggle anymore and it’s working for us so far.

DBM: … Till he trades you in for a younger chic

Quayeba: It won’t come to that

DBM: How do you know?

Quayeba: I know. Dave, I’ve weighed the costs and benefits and I have decided to come to terms with whatever my husband chooses to do with his dick out there.

DBM: I too grew up poor. Life wasn’t easy for me and my siblings. Life is still not easy but we are choosing to work hard to create careers for ourselves so we can have the kind of future we dream of; and also, be able to take care of our parents. Are your parents still alive?

Quayeba: My dad is dead but mother is here with me.

DBM: Well, good for you. Whatever makes you sleep at night is the end goal.

Quayeba: I sleep very well at night. I live a nice life. What else can a woman ask for?

DBM: Living a comfortable life on someone else’s money isn’t a safety net. Do you work?

Quayeba: I’m a full-time wife

DBM: Good for you. This is what I can say, men are not predictable beings. You wouldn’t want to continually risk being at the mercy of your husband’s money. Do you have a separate bank account you’re at least, stashing some cash for a rainy day?

Quayeba: I do

DBM: Great. My next concern is for the children

Quayeba: What about them?

DBM: What kind of energy are they absorbing from your dynamic with your husband? Because whatever examples you both are leading with in the marriage is setting a precedent of a sort. Your sons and daughters will grow up re-enacting the very same drama you and your husband are living or enduring.

Quayeba: At least, my daughter wouldn’t be poor

DBM: Because she would have learnt from you how to use men also for their money. She’s learning from her favorite and best teacher. You’re teaching her that every relationship ought to be transactional. You are teaching her how not accept mutual respect or to be respected in general by a man. Outside of her physical look, you’re also teaching her how valueless she could be. That is just for your daughter. Do you have a son?

Quayeba: I do

DBM: Tolerating your husband’s infidelity and witnessing his father get away with it is teaching him to grow into using women solely for his physical gratification. You two are teaching him how to disrespect women.

Quayeba: My children will not grow up poor. That is all that is important to me

DBM: How do you know?

Quayeba: You’ve not been following our chat? Their father is rich. We are rich

DBM: You are not rich. You’re living in the wins of an expensive gamble. You’re just another poor, beautiful woman with a lot of money at your disposal. Are you creating wealth for yourself and children, or you’re simply waiting on a will to be read after your husband’s demise?

Quayeba: The tone of the conversation is changing

DBM: Are you developing your financial intelligence? That is all I am asking. That, is wealth in my opinion.

Quayeba: How do you define rich since you know more about being a rich man’s wife than I do?

DBM: You’re thinking like the typical African. But again, what do I know!

Quayeba: Am asking a harmless question, Dave. How do you know I am rich?

DBM: I would have known you’re a rich woman if you had told me about your decision to train or learn something new, a skill or anything to improve yourself constantly. The philosophy you’ve introduced me to – about yourself is the fact that, a man has to give you money in order for you to take off.

Quayeba: I have a degree in Business Administration that I don’t use

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to your story. Why did you reach out to me?

Quayeba: My friend just found out about my husband’s infidelities and is angry that I’ve known all this while and done nothing about it. She doesn’t know I chose this life. She doesn’t also know that I have my own side cock I take on a wild ride every now and then.

DBM: It’s very interesting how you just elaborated the shipwreck of a childhood you survived, only for you to jump on another ship without a lifeboat.

Quayeba: What do you mean?

DBM: Do make it your best day today. I have a meeting to prepare for.

Image Credit: Cristina Cunha

Calculated Risk

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kai: Hi

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! Everything alright?

Kai: No

DBM: What’s the problem?

Kai: My husband makes me feel so small, Dave. I don’t understand why he does that

DBM: Marriage is supposed to make us feel safe

Kai: I don’t feel like I can be myself around him anymore. The things he can say to me and sometimes the way he looks at me and acts makes me want to even question my worth. I don’t think I am good enough for him at this stage of his life.

DBM: Tell me a little about yourself

Kai: I used to be that girl who was unstoppable and outspoken. There was no limit to what I could accomplish. I could push through adversity and fight for what I wanted. Dave, I was strong, smart, powerful in my own right, savvy, secure and confident. I was loving and brave and wasn’t trying too hard to be perfect like I am lately trying so hard to do to be seen by my husband. I do all the basics at home, I cook, I take care of our children and husband, I try my best to please him. I work hard; I avoid any type of conflict with him and still would be rejected. I don’t know what else I haven’t done for him not to find fault with. It’s tiring. I am tired of keeping peace while silencing the pain it causes me in the process. I don’t feel chosen by him.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Kai: I manage a hedge fund portfolio. I hold a PhD in Business Economics

DBM: How old are you?

Kai: 41

DBM: You love your job?

Kai: Very much

DBM: Marriage is somewhat like a job. If your husband doesn’t love or know what to do with you, he’s probably not going to be motivated to go above and beyond, to transform and to stand out in the relationship. Do you know your sense of worth without his approval?

Kai: I do

DBM: Good! Stop walking on eggshells around him. Stop overthinking whatever he’s making you feel like you’ve done wrong. Do not allow his actions to affect your self-esteem. If he’s not going to appropriately communicate with you about what is really going on with him, then do not believe any criticism you hear him make about you. I know men who thrive on using criticisms as a way to feel like they’re in control or are powerful. Who you know you are should be separate from your husband’s bad behavior towards and opinions about you. If he’s refusing to affirm you, let it not define your worth as a woman and mother.

Kai: Ok

DBM: He does what he does to you because he isn’t afraid of losing you. Sometimes, you have to stop playing it safe and let them lose you – if they’re choosing to take you for granted. It wouldn’t be a reckless decision on your part if you know how to take a calculated risk. I keep telling you ladies, do not give any man a long rope to tie you with. Do not give a man, be it your husband, boyfriend, boss, friend or stranger so much power to mess with the rise or fall of your value anytime he chooses to change his mood. With such men, you only are useful until you aren’t.

Kai: I sometimes feel like I made a huge mistake with my choice of a husband. I let other good men and friends go because of him.

DBM: If you can make a mistake and you can learn from the mistake, then the mistake was worth it.

Kai: You’re right.

Image Credit: Mizuno Kozuki

18 Years After ‘I Do’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife was standing by her friend’s side as she said “I do” to my best friend, who she believes is the man of her dreams. All it took was one intense gaze from me and she tickled from the ends of her hair to the tips of her toe. Dave, finding the correct woman to wife is not easy but I am lucky to have recognized my friend’s wife’s Maid of Honor, who I believe had smiled her way out of my fantasy and come to life. We became friends after the wedding and I realized how much I liked her a lot. Friendship was so easy we didn’t have to impress each other. I was seen as I truly am. I held on to her as the weeks and months passed because I could appreciate her thoughtfulness and introspection. Everything and nothing were on the table for discussion because we enjoyed talking about something. I admired the woman she was. I had also developed trust in her to the extent that, I was sure about my interest in an exclusive relationship with her. She was the right wife fabric I needed to stitch and embroider. I became so consistent in my actions because she was extremely consistent in her care for me.

We dated for 13 months and in those periods, I realized how my emotions towards her often would feel strained, while her feelings of love for me would lessen. I wasn’t always in love with her. She wasn’t always impressed or in awe of me. I did not always desire to be with her. I did not always want to choose her above all others. It was a confusing phase in my life. I imagined talking to other women with whom I felt I was going to be more compatible with. On my 40th birthday, my 7-year-old niece wished me a happy birthday and asked when I was going to get married. I was very surprised at her question. I told her I didn’t know and she said, ‘Uncle, love is not just a feeling. Love is a choice.’

I asked her to explain and she said she doesn’t always love my nephew because they fight and argue a lot. Her brother is unkind to her most of the time but she still loved him even though sometimes her love for him feels further away. That was the conversation that changed my approach to love and marriage. I had forgotten that I really wanted to be with my wife, her flaws and strengths together. I didn’t have to choose her in a perfect state. I didn’t have to know how to be married in order to be a great husband. I didn’t have to know what it looked like in my day-to-day to love a wife, honor and cherish her. It didn’t have to look a certain way to be perfect. And instead of zoning out when things aren’t going or feeling the way I wanted them to be, I would rather talk to her about it.

I asked my wife to marry me a day after my 40th birthday, and we’ve been together since for 18 years. My marriage entails a lot of generosity with kind words and respect. I am a source of help to my wife without being asked. Dave, it has taken me a lot of daily attention, patience and hard work to see these 18-year results happening to us in 2026. And just like any farm, our marriage has gone through its own different seasons, in which I’ve had to nurture the soil, pull unwanted weeds and intentionally adapting to unpredictable weather to yield a healthy bond as harvest. I am doing the work as a man and husband, the best way I know how. And every deposit I have made into my marriage has been so far, worth the effort.

My wife is a good listener but I too listen to her, not with the intention of reacting but to understand her. I’ve never expected perfection from my wife because I am not perfect in my ways. And the Bible was right about one thing, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” I am reminded to calm whenever I am almost frustrated with her. I am reminded to do what I can to make her happy instead of chasing after what would make me happy from outside.

There is joy in our marriage because we lean on God. There is peace in our marriage because God is in the center of our marriage.

Image Credit: Nude The Photographer

Not Eating

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Wilson: My best friend is in prison. She was being investigated for murdering her husband. She did not confess to the crime but she told me once that she wasn’t going to let him get away with something he had done. My husband is my biggest partner in crime because we gossip together a lot. I jokingly told him about the threat my friend had made one day on the way home from a party, and the next morning, we heard about the demise of my friend’s husband. To be clear David, I don’t know what she did but the medical examiners tested his blood, urine and internal organs to detect lethal substances. He was poisoned.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): By?

Wilson: I don’t know. My friend, allegedly.

DBM: What did her late husband do?

Wilson: He was living a double life.

DBM: An affair?

Wilson: Yes, that had produced a child. Fast forward to April 2026; I found out that my own husband is expecting a child with another woman. I’ve been trying to smile and pretend that everything around me is fine but it’s not. I can forgive my husband but he doesn’t believe I’m capable of letting go. He’s not ate food from my kitchen since April, 12.

DBM: Where’s he feeding then?

Wilson: I don’t know. He comes home not hungry.

DBM: Then he’s not hungry

Wilson: Dave, we’re talking about my husband. He can wake me up at dawn to fry shrimps and put it in sauce for him to eat. His crave for food has no time zone

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wilson: 10 years.

DBM: Kids?

Wilson: Yes. We have children. Initially, I was thinking he probably wasn’t hungry but we’re in June and he’s still not hungry to eat my food?

DBM: Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want to eat your food. That is also okay. The fewer the merrier.

Wilson: But it’s upsetting me.

DBM: Why?

Wilson: He thinks I’m going to poison him

DBM: He specifically told you that?

Wilson: No, but what else could it mean?

DBM: Have you communicated your concerns to him?

Wilson: I have

DBM: And?

Wilson: He doesn’t take it seriously. He tells me not to worry

DBM: Is your husband happily married to you?

Wilson: He has a baby on the way with another woman. Will a happily married man do that?

DBM: Marriages go through tough times like these sometimes. It doesn’t mean it has to shake the foundations on which it was built.

Wilson: Mine is currently shaking. Trust has been broken

DBM: Fair enough. Has the affair been addressed?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: How long has it been going on?

Wilson: 3 years. That is what he told me

DBM: Do you believe him?

Wilson: No

DBM: Does your husband have insight into how he’s hurt you with his actions, or he’s oblivious?

Wilson: He’s apologized

DBM: And?

Wilson: I have forgiven but not forgotten.

DBM: Is he truly sorry for his choice or sorry because he got caught?

Wilson: He is sorry because I found out about the pregnancy

DBM: How did you find out?

Wilson: A friend of mine is a nurse. She informed me about it.

DBM: How did she know?

Wilson: She saw them leaving the hospital where she works, together, in his car. She took a picture of them from a distance.

DBM: Is this an isolated event, sort of, or you think it’s a pattern?

Wilson: I think he’s been unfaithful to me all these 10 years with other women.

DBM: How do you know?

Wilson: I just know, from some of the chats on his phone.

DBM: You touched his phone?

Wilson: I had to, when he was asleep

DBM: Do you have the depth and strength to recover from this?

Wilson: I don’t know because I will never trust him again. Dave, I am angry and depressed and I have anxiety. Going through these emotions alone is difficult.

DBM: I can only imagine. Is he at least, showing up for you – to make it up to you?

Wilson: He can start by eating from my kitchen

DBM: This again? Lol! How is that important?

Wilson: It is important to me

DBM: Have you considered seeking counseling from a professional therapist?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: Okay?

Wilson: I’m talking to you.

DBM: I am not a counselor

Wilson: You are to me

DBM: You need to speak with a professional

Wilson: I feel comfortable talking to you about it.

DBM: Understood, but I am not trained for this

Wilson: Ok

DBM: A three-year affair that is producing a child isn’t purely physical. There is a deep emotional connection already built. The intimacy they share has been over amplified, meaning, he perceives the intimacy he shares with you to be lacking something. Something is making your husband drift apart from you.

Wilson: What do I do?

DBM: Talk

Wilson: Over dinner, anaa? I cook, we sit and eat together and talk.

DBM: Yeah!

Wilson: That’s the point I’ve been making all along. He has to start eating from home.

DBM: You’ve really forgiven him?

Wilson: I think so. I want him to end the relationship with her.

DBM: What if he doesn’t want to?

Wilson: I will put myself in a different place doing different things.

DBM: You don’t have plans of poisoning him, do you?

Wilson: Not yet

Image Credit: The Only Abdulla

The Man He’s Not

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Rawline: Hi David. Please do me a favor. This is a picture of my husband making out with the man he’s been sleeping with. Can you post their faces on your page for me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Why would I post something like that?

Rawline: You’re not going to post it?

DBM: Make a post of it on your own timeline.

Rawline: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Rawline: I’m preparing to file for divorce.

DBM: Contact Cila or Manokekame. They might consider posting it.

Rawline: Why don’t you want to share my story?

DBM: This is not a story. You want to humiliate your husband. My platform is not for such purposes. You’re conducting a revenge campaign.

Rawline: Why are men so heartless?

DBM: Some men, not all men

Rawline: I don’t understand why my husband would do this to me

DBM: Have you confronted him about this picture?

Rawline: No. The other guy is also married.

DBM: Confront him!

Rawline: What do I gain from that?

DBM: You live in a society that pushes men like your husband to cower in the closet because of their sexual orientation.

Rawline: What has that got to do with the fact that the man I have children with is a homosexual?

DBM: How did you get this image?

Rawline: Does it matter? I’ve had my husband followed for months. They’ve been meeting at a rented apartment. I got a camera installed. I have a full video of them in the act.

DBM: Let him know you have in your possession, evidence of him being intimate with another man. Let him know you know he’s having sex with men.

Rawline: Dave, all these years I’ve been in a trauma bond with this narcissist and liar. His actions towards me made me believe I was the cause of his unhappiness in the marriage. Why are men like that?

DBM: Some men, not all men.

Rawline: I have been left alone in this miserable marriage to be picking up the pieces.

DBM: I’m very sorry about that.

Rawline: Men are wicked David.

DBM: Can I ask questions?

Rawline: What?

DBM: You had no idea about his sexuality prior to marriage?

Rawline: No

DBM: You had no inkling of a sort?

Rawline: No.

DBM: How has your sex life been like?

Rawline: Normal. Dave, my husband is a strong man. He has no girlish tendencies. I had no suspicions.

DBM: How do you think you’ve both changed since you got married?

Rawline: I realized something was lacking weeks after we got married but I didn’t know what it was. There was no urgency in his desire for me. But when we’re in public, he’s excited about introducing me to his friends and colleagues. After the birth of our first child, he became angry and belligerent. I also realized how withdrawn and anxious he often was. So many things weren’t adding up which was confusing to me.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory of him?

Rawline: He loves our children and treats them better. He’s more loving towards them, he’s happy to see them. He is more enthusiastic when he’s talking to the children. He hugs them and kisses them, and would sacrifice his last money and free time for them. He is a good father and is more interested his children’s lives. But Dave, this marriage is broken and cannot be repaired.

DBM: Have you considered how your life would look like once you’re divorced?

Rawline: I have thought about it. I would rather be alone than to limit myself to a miserable life. I don’t want to model the wrong example of a marriage to my children by staying in a shitty situation. This is not what I signed up for. My issue is, if I had fallen in love with another man, because I wouldn’t want to have an affair, I would leave my husband. Why can’t men be honest with women? I always felt he had been acting differently. He was behaving as if he didn’t want to be with me while he was playing out his fantasies with other men. I was convinced I was the reason for his unhappiness.

DBM: This is your escape route if you’ve been feeling trapped in the marriage. It’s not healthy to endure hopelessness and misery. This is your perfect relief to leave behind all the pain.

Rawline: I really loved my husband, David. To now have to grieve the loss of the man I love, and a marriage I have invested so much of my youth, resources and everything heavily in, the future I thought we were building together as a family. All these years of my life spent with him was a sham. Who does that? I am going to publicly humiliate this guy for what he has done to me.

DBM: Things do not always feel fair or logical in life sometimes. The pain, hurt and fear you’re experiencing aren’t proof that your life is over. You’re not broken.

Rawline: I am broken, David.

DBM: Imagine your best friend came to you this very evening feeling the way you are feeling now – what would you say to her? What would your immediate instinct offer her? You’re not that broken, believe me. Offer yourself the very same kindness you would grace your best friend with. You can find a safe space to heal from this kind of betrayal. Do not lose sight of what gives your life meaning and purpose. Your husband, at this moment, is not your purpose to fulfill.

Rawline: Do you think he’s going to be gay forever?

DBM: I understand that you love him but you may want more from your marriage than he can ever offer you over time.

Rawline: Can a gay man love a woman?

DBM: I think so. If your husband has ever told you he loved you, he probably did. However, loving you doesn’t change his orientation

Rawline: Awwww. David. You’re making me cry. Thank you. I will go ahead with the divorce.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Pursuit Of Happiness

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Armstrong: I’m considering leaving my wife but I don’t know how to explain my decision to her

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain your decision to me

Armstrong: That’s the problem Dave; I don’t have a legal reason. Can a man leave his wife without providing concrete reasons?

DBM: Yes, legally, a man or woman can just wake up one morning and pack up and leave or file for divorce. I’ve had conversations in the past with men and women who did that and the courts granted them divorce.

Armstrong: What kind of divorce did they file?

DBM: I don’t remember exactly but I know someone once mentioned a ‘no-fault divorce’ or something like that. Would you want me to post this conversation on my platform?

Armstrong: Yes, but anonymously.

DBM: Of course. I’m certain the lawyers who often comment on my cases would educate us on these types of filings.

Armstrong: Thank you Dave

DBM: How long have you been married?

Armstrong: I don’t want to give details about my marriage. My wife might read this

DBM: She follows my page?

Armstrong: I don’t know. Women follow your page. That’s all I know

DBM: You have children?

Armstrong: Yes. Don’t ask me how many or their ages

DBM: Why do you want to divorce your wife?

Armstrong: I told you already, I don’t know

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. There’s no reason. She’s not done anything wrong to me.

DBM: What have you done wrong then?

Armstrong: Lol.

DBM: Because there is rarely ‘no reason’ if we’re to touch on the emotional and psychological subject of it.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: You’re not happy with?

Armstrong: I don’t know Dave

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. Stop saying I know

DBM: You know! If I am not happy, I may not be happy with myself, my life, my partner, marriage or a particular circumstance. You can’t just say you’re not happy.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: What do you feel is that long-term underlying issue shifting your marriage in the quiet?

Armstrong: I don’t have an answer that would make sense to you.

DBM: Unmet needs?

Armstrong: She meets my needs

DBM: Okay! So, then what are some of the emotions you’re not bold enough to speak about with her? Because you’re clearly emotionally distant, no?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: Are you happy with your life?

Armstrong: I have a good career. I love my children. I’m happy being a father. I would flourish being a single dad and not a husband.

DBM: And not a husband to your wife or generally being a husband to anyone?

Armstrong: Being a husband to my wife

DBM: Do you find your wife attractive?

Armstrong: I used to

DBM: Why don’t you anymore?

Armstrong: There’s no explanation. Before you ask, there is no new side-chick in the waiting. I’m not seeing anyone. Dave, I just want to be single. I want to be single. I don’t want to be married anymore. I’m not happy

DBM: What would make you happy?

Armstrong: If I’m divorced

DBM: Do you feel safe at home?

Armstrong: What do you mean?

DBM: Do you feel safe around your wife?

Armstrong: Yes, but I don’t want it anymore

DBM: Do you feel seen by your wife?

Armstrong: Sometimes

DBM: Do you feel your wife understands you, as a man in her life?

Armstrong: I don’t know. I don’t care

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with your wife?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Are you getting sex from another person?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your wife?

Armstrong: No

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your family?

Armstrong: I love spending time with my children.

DBM: This is what I’ve deduced thus far: you might be a good man but not necessarily a great partner to your wife, no?

Armstrong: I’m a good person

DBM: But not good enough for your wife

Armstrong: I am not the husband she deserves

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: But you’re not considering leaving your wife for another woman?

Armstrong: Not at the moment. I just want to be single

DBM: Are you sexually compatible with your wife?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: How about physical intimacy?

Armstrong: I just answered you. We have good sex

DBM: Intimacy isn’t about sex. Good sex is just a complementary factor to build a marriage on easily.

Armstrong: We’re intimate

DBM: Does your marriage burden you?

Armstrong: I think we’re going round and round with your questions. You’re repeating questions with different words.

DBM: I am not. How old are you?

Armstrong: In my 40s

DBM: At what point did you stop being intentional about your marriage?

Armstrong: When she was pregnant with our second child

DBM: What happened?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: What happened to you when she was pregnant with your second child?

Armstrong: I fell in love with someone else

DBM: Where is this other person now?

Armstrong: Dead

DBM: What happened to her?

Armstrong: I don’t know

DBM: Let’s talk about your wife

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Why not?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Okay then! Would you want to discuss how your decision would make her feel?

Armstrong: She has to understand

DBM: Let’s assume you tell her you want out, and she doesn’t, and would want to fight for her marriage; what would be the way forward?

Armstrong: The way forward wouldn’t be with me. I want to be single

DBM: Why did you get married to her?

Armstrong: I was in love. I don’t know

DBM: Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: And?

Armstrong: It’s a waste of time. It wouldn’t change how I am feeling

DBM: But have you made the attempt to see one?

Armstrong: No. I know I will be happy if I am no longer married

DBM: Where do you see happiness?

Armstrong: My next chapter should be a happy place

DBM: Just be careful about placing your happiness to an unknown destination. We men very much are addicted to the high of finding our happy spots somewhere else. Yes, your next chapter could be your happy place, but happiness isn’t somewhere else. Happiness is where you are, and until you sit to seriously analyze your choices, you may never appreciate the happiness in where you find yourself today.

Armstrong: Gotta go Dave. Thanks for chatting

Image Credit: Savia Rocks

The Marriage I Want

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Neff: I had been kicked out of my house after living there for 7 years. My former landlord’s son was relocating from London and she needed to host him and her grandchildren in the building I was renting. It was an impromptu alert that cost me a lot of money, my time and basic freedom. It was not an easy year to be dealing with the scene of being kicked out of the place I had called and made home for years. Dave, this is the story about how I met my wife. My wife was a colleague from work. We were friends, though we weren’t close.

Four months after my eviction notice had been served, our employer planned a staff retreat to take us out of the office and put us together in another location, where we were charged to work together on some non-work-related projects. It was one of those retreats for us to step away from our regular day-to-day stuff to focus on the bigger picture. The retreat helped me to remove myself from the distraction of not still finding a house to rent. It was also an opportunity for me to see the way I interacted with everybody in the company. The retreat ended and I was tasked to carry along a few of the activity items to my house.

My wife, who was then a colleague, decided to give me a ride back home because my car wouldn’t start that morning. We got home, and she insisted on helping me carry the activity items to my living room. She realized I was in the process of packing out and wondered why. She wasn’t the type of friend I discussed personal issues with, but on that day, something about the way she expressed her concern, made me open up to her. Dave, sometimes help just land better when they come from a familiar, yet not so familiar face. As it turned out, she lived in a 3-bedroom house all by herself and wasn’t going to mind having me as her housemate. The catch in her proposal was for me to pay half of the rent, which I was more than willing to. I am still not sure what caused this beautiful woman to invest in me with that level of kindness.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know how she was perceiving you or your friendship/work relationship?

Neff: I know she had a lot of respect for me and had in one or more occasions, called me an intelligent man.

DBM: How did you feel when she first addressed you as such?

Neff: It was a good feeling. I felt seen and appreciated. I became a friend to her

DBM: Okay! So, you moved in with her?

Neff: Yes. A week after moving in to her house, I started taking notice of the kinds of books she read. Her bookshelves were absolutely impressive to the extent that, I did not see myself going out of my way to be reading her books, so I could have access to enter into her world, in order to engage her in her zone naturally. Our conversations surrounding her books, which I read 70% of, revealed a lot of commonality and shared interests.

DBM: How fond of her were you?

Neff: I liked her. I wasn’t sure to what extent but I knew how much I liked her.

DBM: How much did you like her?

Neff: Really much. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends. I got to know her friends; they got to know me.

DBM: Did you find her attractive?

Neff: Yes. My wife is a very attractive woman. Our friendship grew to a point where I wanted to invest myself fully, and I did. My love for her grew because I put in the work.

DBM: How long did you stay in her house?

Neff: Three years as her co-tenant

DBM: Would you advise your single sister to accommodate a stray man in her home for three years?

Neff: No Dave.

DBM: Why not?

Neff: Because a lot of our guys have not passed the safety test after being vetted by many women. Who we invite to our homes say a lot about what we think of our homes. I had good character; I had good morals. She knew who I was before letting me in. But most importantly, she was familiar with and also had trust in my presence, thus, why she allowed me to stay.

DBM: How long had you been working together by then?

Neff: Six years. Dave, life gives all of us different experiences. This was just one of mine, and my wife’s intuition was working to protect her. She knew whether her decision to invite me to stay with her was right or wrong before leaning into it. Secondly, we worked in the same office. She knew me. I knew her. And she knew she would feel comfortable, supported and understood by me. That was who I was to her at work and I think that was one of the reasons why she did not hesitate to talk herself out of what felt real.

DBM: What do you think felt real?

Neff: Her kindness. My wife is very kind to me to this day.

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Neff: When I noticed I was excited do things I’ve done a thousand times before because it was with her. I was never bored. Repeating activities with her felt new and exciting. But I knew I was falling in love with her when I got so mad at our boss one time for raising his voice at her. It was so unusual of me to go out of my way to defend her honor in that circumstance. My sense of empathy toward her had increased.

DBM: How did you know she was falling for you too?

Neff: Dave, I knew. She felt secure and comfortable being around me. Anytime I cheered her on, she developed this new courage to expand and become better at whatever she was doing. She was also willing to sit through hours of a sport game on radio or TV, just to spend time with me. It wasn’t a struggle for either of us to make time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Neff: 21 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife since you got married?

Neff: No. But it had occurred to me a couple of times in the past. I just did not act on it. Our marriage became boring and monotonous for me at a point.

DBM: Why did you not act on the urge?

Neff: Because excitement in the bedroom can be rekindled. There was no need seeking outside assistance. There other reason was that, being unfaithful to my wife meant, I would have no right to demand a monogamous commitment, nor have the moral high ground to chastise her for seeing other men. If I can have my cake and eat it, then my wife can attempt to have her cake and eat it too. My dad used to tell us a husband is supposed to love, trust and be honest with his wife but he cheated on my mother. When my mother betrayed him by also sleeping with another man, he got so upset and furious and could not forgive her. They ended up getting a divorce. That’s not what I want.

DBM: What in your opinion has made your marriage a success?

Neff: My marriage is 21 years old because I know who I am. My wife knows who she is. Individually, we know what makes us happy and can feel good all by ourselves without needing each other’s validation. We believe in our separate strengths and have fulfilled and pursued our dreams. We have achieved life goals independently, grabbed life changing opportunities and can function on our own without the help or support of the other. We built ourselves and careers as individuals before we became an ‘us. I married a woman who I genuinely love seeing walk into the room. Dave, believe me when I say I still smile when my wife shows up. The bond I’ve intentionally built with my bride is strong and can endure temptations. Respect is the third seasoning in our soup. I respect my wife so much. Probably that is why my love and trust in her hasn’t deteriorated that quickly. We communicate very well and would resolve a disagreement with a Hug, kiss, sex or all three at a go. My marriage is successful because I touch my wife every day. I hold her hand. I give randoms hugs. Slightly squeezes parts of her body. She touches parts of my body randomly, every day. This is what it means to be held for 21 years.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

I Need A Drink

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ranger: Hi David. Quick question. Is it every conversation you have in your inbox that you post publicly?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey Kwasi. How are you doing? No! Majority of the people who reach out to me would later ask me not to post their chat with me, and I always respect that. Why do ask?

Ranger: I’m not sure if I would want mine shared publicly

DBM: That’s okay!

Ranger: Are you sure it wouldn’t bother you?

DBM: It wouldn’t be a problem.

Ranger: You said you’re not a counselor?

DBM: I’m not a counselor.

Ranger: My wife just asked me to take a side chick and bang with no emotional attachment.

DBM: What was her reason?

Ranger: She wants me to offer my easygoing, fun and no expectations version of myself to that other woman because she (my wife) expects a lot from me and I’m always complaining she’s too rigid. Dave, my wife no longer craves for my dick like I crave for her pussy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ranger: 7 years.

DBM: You have children?

Ranger: 2

DBM: So, you need an escape?

Ranger: What do you mean?

DBM: An escape from the chores and responsibilities of being a husband and father to two young kids?

Ranger: You’re missing the point

DBM: What’s the point?

Ranger: What goes with a meal?

DBM: Water

Ranger: My meals usually go with a drink. I need a drink, Dave.

DBM: Well, your wife is giving you the go-ahead to get a drink, no? They will play their roles to the T. Go get ‘em’.

Ranger: My wife is up to something. That’s what I’m thinking.

DBM: Your wife discovered your true character in due time, and may have made peace with it. That’s what I’m thinking.

Ranger: I don’t understand

DMB: Ask yourself why you have gotten to this stage in your marriage where she is very comfortable giving less of herself to you than you deserve? She knows you’re already cheating on her and are deserving of less than her best. She’s not interested in being an accessory to your lies and infidelity. Reason why she’s enabling you to go have a drink or two out there.

Ranger: I had just one affair, one, and she doesn’t even know about it.

DBM: Okay!

Ranger: Can you post so I know what people think of my issue?

Image Credit: Didsss

It Takes Two

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Phyliss: I feel alone. I’ve been downplaying it but I feel so alone in my marriage. I don’t think my husband sees or values me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?

Phyliss: 9 years. He’s a great father to our children but he’s terrible at being a husband to me.

DBM: Terrible in what sense?

Phyliss: I need him to be present to my needs but he thinks I’m needy. He’s not offering the connection and conversation I crave for. My husband is supposed to be my best friend, Dave.

DBM: Do you have friends?

Phyliss: I do

DBM: Who is your best friend?

Phyliss: My husband

DBM: Who is your second-best friend?

Phyliss: I don’t have one

DBM: You do

Phyliss: They’re not my best friends. They’re just friends.

DBM: Prior to meeting your husband, who was your closest friend?

Phyliss: Jane

DBM: Where is Jane in your life right now?

Phyliss: We talk but we’re not so close

DBM: Why are you no longer that close?

Phyliss: Because my husband wanted to become my closest friend after we got married.

DBM: How long has it been since you noticed the drifting apart?

Phyliss: It’s been 5 years. I just want him to be as loving and supportive as he used to be. I wish I can make him get off his phone after work and on weekends. He barely looks up from his phone or laptop. Our conversations at home, most of the time centers around the children or the bills. There is an invisible wall between us anytime I sit across the room. I’m withering away, Dave.

DBM: You’re choosing to wither away. Have you spoken to him about your current experience at home?

Phyliss: He snaps and tags me as needy

DBM: Why did you get married?

Phyliss: I fell in love. I was ready to start a family with someone. When I met my husband, I realized I wanted to see him more. I wanted to talk to him more. I imagined a future with him in it. There was exciting sexual tension between us and it became clear that we weren’t just friends.

DBM: Why do you think he chose to marry you?

Phyliss: Maybe he thought that was what he had to do, and then later discovered that, no matter how hard he tried loving me, he yearned to be single again?

DBM: It could be possible but have you asked him why he married you?

Phyliss: Yes. He said he was in love. But his actions say otherwise. I think my husband wishes he could be single again and stay single.

DBM: If that is what he wants, could you grant him that?

Phyliss: No Dave. I don’t think so. We have children we’re raising together.

DBM: Do you work?

Phyliss: Yes. Dave, I’ve stood by this guy through his hardest seasons in life. When we married, it wasn’t long before he became unemployed. And for 14 months, I kept food in the fridge, paid all the bills, helped him to settle his debts because I assumed his debts were mine too; warmed his side of the bed at night. I did everything I could to make my husband stay motivated and happy. I took on responsibilities without complaining just to keep our heads above water. I have sacrificed my own downtime in order for him to pursue his dreams.

DBM: Is your husband happy in the marriage?

Phyliss: I don’t think so.

DBM: So, you can clearly read into him?

Phyliss: Yes.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Phyliss: No, but I don’t want to throw away what we have built together.

DBM: What percentage of what you have built together is his contribution?

Phyliss: I’m the one who wants the marriage to work

DBM: I know, but still grade it.

Phyliss: I’d say 35%

DBM: 35% of his effort has been put into the nine years of marriage to work?

Phyliss: Yes.

DBM: Is he a responsible father to his children?

Phyliss: He is.

DBM: So, he will take care of them, whether or not you’re together?

Phyliss: He will.

DBM: Have you tried couples therapy?

Phyliss: We’ve met our pastor and his wife and few of our church elders but everyone seems to think I have to do more to keep my husband interested in the marriage. I’ve been doing the more they’re suggesting to me.

DBM: Ugh! Don’t even tell me about church people. Smh! I’m referring to professional counseling

Phyliss: No. He wouldn’t participate. I know my husband. I’m just sad that he’s no longer happy to be with me. What would you have done Dave, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: Before I got married, one of the vows my spouse and I agreed on was that, should we ever reach that point in our union, where we’re no longer that much into each other, and are finding other people and what they mean to us attractive, we would first sit and discuss the changes in our feelings and wants and desires, and then propose whether or not we’d be in an open-marriage/relationship or simply go our separate ways. It doesn’t mean the love we once felt for one another wasn’t strong enough. People change, and sometimes, when people show you how far they’ve gone in their change – it’s them simply being sincere with you without wanting to say as much. Even if it makes no sense to you the wife who still is very much interested in, and connected to them and the history shared.

Phyliss: I don’t know what to do

DBM: Stand on patience and be present to what makes you happy. Whatever used to make you happy before you met your husband, find that thing and explore it all over again. Remind yourself, not with words but your energy and presence that marriage is not all there is to you.

Phyliss: I’m still sad but thank you.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Car Prank

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Karen: My husband surprised me with a 2025 Cadillac CT4-V Blackwing RWD last year, as my Christmas present. I didn’t ask for it. In fact, I would have rather preferred the money given to me to invest in personal projects but anyway, I loved the gesture. I drove the car for exactly one week, and then all of a sudden, he was the one using the car. He would leave his car behind and tell me to drive that instead. I let it slide for a couple of weeks because I thought it’s still for the family’s use. But now, I don’t have access to the car anymore. He’s taken over and wants me to use his old car instead. I don’t understand why he would do that to me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Gurl, that was your husband’s dream car. He bought it specifically for himself, but through the courtesy of you.

Karen: How so?

DBM: Smh! Has he ever given you a huge sum of money for say, the house or to support your personal project or dream?

Karen: Yes

DBM: And, did he, within the span of a month or less, come up with an imaginary urgent excuse just to borrow money from you?

Karen: Yes

DBM: Knowing very well you were going to tap into the very same money he had gifted you?

Karen: Hmmm

DBM: Good! Now do the math with the car scenario.

Karen: That would be disappointing if he never intended giving me that car.

DBM: He never intended giving you that Cadillac, sorry.

Karen: I’m saddened by that

DBM: Do you work?

Karen: Yes

DBM: A good job?

Karen: A very good job

DBM: Save money and buy your own car if you wish to.

Karen: I’m very disappointed in my husband.

DBM: Don’t be. Men have the tendency to pretend to be low maintenance when in reality, we choose to minimize or deny our true feelings, acting as if we’re unaware of our expectations, desires and limits. We know exactly what we do to you. Believe me when I tell you this.

Karen: I believe you

DBM: Do not underestimate any man who pretends to give up what they really want and be agreeable.

Karen: What do I do now?

DBM: You do nothing. It’s his car. Pretend you appreciate the gesture and let go. If he wants you to drive the car, he will hand over the keys.

Karen: What if I don’t want it anymore?

DBM: Then you don’t want it anymore. There is still a used car at home, no?

Karen: Yes.

DBM: Drive that one. Life goes on.

Karen: Ok

DBM: Are you happy in the marriage?

Karen: Yes

DBM: You believe he loves you?

Karen: He does

DBM: You love him as much, no?

Karen: I do.

DBM: He respects and honors you?

Karen: He does

DBM: He treats you right and would do right by you?

Karen: Yes

DBM: He speaks to and with you with respect?

Karen: Yes

DBM: It’s just a car. Today, it might be a struggle to trust or love on him and his intentions for you because he furnished you with a whirlpool of Cadillac CT4-V emotions. Get over it, so tomorrow, you can be open to the idea of feeling like the luckiest woman in the world – because he loves you.

Karen: But should I still trust in him?

DBM: DO NOT TRUST A MAN. I tell you ladies all the time but you continue leading with your hearts. Believe a man if he tells you he loves you but DO NOT TRUST the hell out of him. Believing in us goes a long way in making us feel we matter. We wouldn’t act out if we know you believe in us.

Karen: But would you act out if you know I don’t trust you.

DBM: I will pretend to be hurt but I can hold on to the fact that you at least, believe in me. Men are very cunning. I am telling you this as a man myself; especially those who’ve got their shit together, got a little swag of attitude, and knows their place from left to right. Do not be led by passion and throw caution to the wind. Be alert to our nonchalant charm when we make you feel something.

Karen: Thank you David.

Image Credit: Danmds

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