(Update) Sock Dump

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Belinda:  It was good we spoke on Tuesday, Dave. I invited one of our friends who is a doctor to come to our house to perform a rapid HIV test on us. Our samples were collected and he mixed it with a special solution. We got our results in less than 40 minutes. My husband tested positive. I am negative so far. Initially, he was lying about not knowing his status but our friend had pushed further for the truth and he caved. A young student he’s been supporting and sleeping with exposed him to it. She contracted it from her boyfriend on Legon campus.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did the student find out about her status?

Belinda: According to my husband, she was hospitalized for almost two weeks in January of 2025. He initially thought she was pregnant but she was sick with PCP pneumonia, which was how they found out and got him to also test. He was negative. He showed us the result from 2025. The doctor made me understand it’s a possibility that the virus developed later without him realizing it.

DBM: What’s next? Are you planning on arranging for a confirmatory test to be done to rule out the chances of you contracting the virus?

Belinda: Yes. In 4 months.

DBM: B, I’m terribly sorry

Belinda: The diagnosis is a surprise to me, especially knowing I have never stepped outside of our relationship and marriage. This is all on him. What he has done has affected any prospect of a future together. I will keep you updated in few months.

DBM: Good luck!

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Sock Dump

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Belinda: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Eish! Belinda, what are you doing in my inbox? Lol!

Belinda: Dave, it’s not a laughing matter

DBM: What’s up?

Belinda: Are you posting this chat?

DBM: It depends on you, B. If you don’t want it made public, I can respect that.

Belinda: Post me anonymously

DBM: Sure. Sup?

Belinda: My husband, for the past year and a half has been pulling out during sex to ejaculate. He has so many pair of socks at home that he discharges into.

DBM: That’s weird!

Belinda: That’s what I was also saying. It’s weird

DBM: You’ve talked to him about it to seek his true reasons for doing what he’s doing?

Belinda: I have, D. His excuse is that his semen is no longer as cloudy and milky-white with its gel-like consistency.

DBM: What has that got to do with cum dump?

Belinda: D, we’re done having children and I have been putting in the effort to avoid accidental conception.

DBM: Before the year and a half intercourse with his socks, was he practicing the withdrawal method?

Belinda: No. Everything was in fact, normal. We’ve not gotten pregnant since our last child was born in 2019.

DBM: That’s strange.

Belinda: He doesn’t realize that single act also prevents me from being satisfied. I don’t know what to do

DBM: Uh-uh! We ain’t having that. You need to make him understand that unless he’s willing to reach his climax inside of you, you will not allow him anywhere near your inner cushion.

Belinda: He’s so careful not to even pre-cum mistakenly in me

DBM: What is he hiding from you then?

Belinda: What do you mean?

DBM: B, I think you and your husband should get tested

Belinda: For what?

DBM: I don’t know but he’s hiding something. It could be a harmless act to withhold his ejaculate but it would be better to be on the safer side.

Belinda: I caught him in an affair once and chose to forgive him because he promised not to ever disappoint me like that. That was the one affair I know happened in 2018 and he mended his cheating ways.

DBM: He has to be a man who truly reverences GOD, has respect for you and his marriage to you, to want to mend his cheating ways. A considerable number of men who cheat, unfortunately, do not stop no matter the consequences. I am basing my conclusion on the numerous interactions I have had with so many men. Your husband probably continued to lie, cover up and keep secrets from you. If ever you had doubts about his character, he still would admit only to partial truths simply to rationalize and justify his behavior. Something is up with him B, and you’re not overreacting by being concerned.

Belinda: We will go and get tested.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Good News Haunting

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hafsat: Hello David. I need someone who would be honest with me

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! What’s on your mind?

Hafsat: I have a pastor friend who is just a friend. He has a mighty call on his life and we all can attest to how passionate he is about his ministry. He’s his happiest when he’s sharing the word of God with us. I joined his church in 2023, and have been supporting financially. At first, I was giving anonymously but he figured who was behind the large sums in donations and invited me over to his office one Sunday afternoon, in 2024. That was how our friendship begun. He is married with children. I am a follower of Christ, and I trust God and would follow what he calls me to do. I had a dream on the 12th of March 2024, that my pastor’s wife had died and he had asked me to marry him. You’re the first person I’m sharing this dream with, Dave. No one else knows about it. I rebuked her death in prayer after I woke up from the dream and went about with my life. Pastor called me the beginning of this year to inform me about his decision to divorce his wife. Dave, I recently started dating one of our church Elders and I am getting very comfortable with his feelings for me. He’s very chill and hardworking and intelligent. He’s also the type of guy I find attractive. Now, my pastor is throwing me this hard curveball that I’m not sure I can play.

DBM: What ‘hard curveball’? He just said he’s considering divorcing his wife, no? Or there was something else communicated to you?

Hafsat: It was just about the divorce and his request for me to remember him in prayers

DBM: So, remember him in prayers

Hafsat: What about my dream?

DBM: What about it?

Hafsat: Or I am being naïve for thinking that dream could also be what my future may look like?

DBM: How do you want your future to look like?

Hafsat: I don’t know what God’s exact plans are for my life but I believe I am being called to hold responsibility.

DBM: What kind of responsibility?

Hafsat: I’m not sure. Dave, I care for people

DBM: How old are you?

Hafsat: 39

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Hafsat: I am the Country Director for an international organization.

DBM: You can choose not to answer this question. How much do you earn annually?

Hafsat: $125,000 USD

DBM: Has pastor ever been to your house?

Hafsat: Yes

DBM: To do what?

Hafsat: To pray for me. It was my birthday. He calls to also check on me when I am not able to attend church.

DBM: Do you know why he wants to divorce his wife?

Hafsat: He says it’s got to do with the new path God is leading him on

DBM: Where is this new path heading?

Hafsat: I don’t know

DBM: What has he said about his wife to you?

Hafsat: Nothing bad. He loves his wife and he has said in church, many times that she is the most powerful influence that has challenged him to be a better man. He’s also talked about her most attractive virtues.

DBM: Which are?

Hafsat: Her faithfulness and loyalty. And she’s a very beautiful woman

DBM: If she’s all that, how has he all of a sudden outgrown her usefulness?

Hafsat: That’s a good question

DBM: Do you find your pastor attractive?

Hafsat: Lol. David will kill me with laughter

DBM: Is that a yes or no?

Hafsat: He’s a fine man but we’re just friends

DBM: But is he the type you’d usually go for?

Hafsat: He is a nice man. Let it go. Lol

DBM: Is being nice alone good enough for you, or there are a lot of …?

Hafsat: David, there’s nothing going on between us if that is your follow-up question. Lol

DBM: When he told you about his intent to divorce his wife, what was your response?

Hafsat: I didn’t have anything to say. What was I to say?

DBM: Truth is, the way you respond to a man feigning to be interested in you can make a huge difference.

Hafsat: I don’t think he’s pretending to be my friend and pastor

DBM: Why did he come to you specifically to volunteer his divorce story?

Hafsat: Again Dave, I cannot know. Because we’re friends? I don’t know

DBM: So, this is what I think, because I am a man; and I know men. Work with me on this

Hafsat: Here we go again. Lol. Ok, I’m listening

DBM: A married man will tell you, a single woman, that he’s divorcing his wife because at the back of his head, he feels you can equally rekindle the spark within him. He’s always or secretly found you attractive and has once or twice, weighed you on the same scale he weighs his wife on – in his cunning mind. He’s ever thought you’re beautiful than his wife or in your case, make more than enough money on your own to support his mission in life. There’s always a catch that benefits or feeds his curiosity about you. A married man will tell you, a friend, that he’s divorcing his wife because he wants you to ask why, so he can compose any and everything to throw her under the bus. He will never tell you what he did wrong first, to make his wife’s decisions and, or actions explode if any. A married man will tell people, those he knows and do not know, that he’s divorcing his wife because he wants to take over the narrative that he left her, and not the other way round. He has to win the argument by all means. That is the kind of man these kinds of men are in real life: these have no character.

Hafsat: What if he’s just plain unhappy in his marriage?

DBM: Most likely, your pastor was in an unhappy marriage with his wife prior to meeting or knowing you, and has found or is finding that happiness and excitement he wasn’t getting at home in your friendship. Question is, are you equally thrilled to find in him, a man who in your estimation, gets you; that you are willing to damn all consequences to take a risk, even though you know he’s legally still married?

Hafsat: That’s not what I am doing

DBM: But are you considering it? To want to become a break from the routine of a married man’s ‘boring’ life?

Hafsat: I am not having an affair with a married man, Dave

DBM: I’m not saying you are. We’re just having a healthy conversation.

Hafsat: Dave, you’re also married. Why do you think married men have affairs?

DBM: I can only speak about what will make me want to have an affair. There is a pleasure in the knowledge that someone else somewhere, also sees me. And the thought of losing having that someone else in my life – who is willing to fight for me, care for me and risk it all just to make excuses for my bad behavior is an impossible tense. If I am a manipulative, selfish and cunning man, I would desperately need that extra oomph in my life.

Hafsat: Okie dokie

DBM: A lot of us men mostly want relationship quid pro quo. And it often starts with being nice to you. You’ve been good to him and his ministry with your purse. He’s now pulling out all the charm in his pursuit until he has conquered your undivided attention. Do not fall prey to these tricks

Hafsat: David, this is a pastor we’re talking about

DBM: You are choosing to see what you want to see about him. And only trusting the image you have created in your head about him than the person he’s showing you to be to his wife. Matthew 19:9 considers divorce without biblical grounds to be a sin. Is his wife abusing him? Has his wife abandoned him? Has she committed adultery? Is she addicted to any unhealthy behavior that his own actions didn’t lead her on to?

Hafsat: I don’t know

DBM: I honestly do not trust your pastor’s charm. It sounds deceitful to me

Hafsat: I don’t know what else to tell you Dave. You don’t know him

DBM: Please do not fall for this front. Something tells me it’s just a lure to hook you into his control. The real character of your pastor will be unleashed the moment you allow him to have his way with you. It will not be a pretty story in the end. He’s interested in dating you due to your financial status and whatever support he believes could come out of an exclusive relationship with you.

Hafsat: We’re all entitled to our opinions

DBM: What is your opinion?

Hafsat: I have none

DBM: Do you desire the elder you’re dating as much as you want to belong to your pastor?

Hafsat: I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t owe you an explanation

DBM: I do not think every dream comes from GOD. Some dreams come from our own secret desires. Some dreams also come from the devil because he delights in copying GOD. If someone who pretends to like you but wants your downfall (consciously or unconsciously) gives you counterfeits of your best and closest friend’s designs, how would you discern a genuine gift from your best friend from a counterfeit?

Hafsat: I get everything you’re trying to say, Dave.

DBM: Do not allow a dream to shift things in your life. Sometimes, that unassuming shift is all the enemy needs close the door to your peace of mind.

Hafsat: Thank you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

In Sickness And In Health

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jacob: David Good morning

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Jacob: Am fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Jacob: My wife is suffering from the aftermath of a stroke. The doctors assured me that she was going to be bedridden temporarily but it’s been over three years with limited mobility. She’s lost her independence to carry out any form of activity and it’s stressing me out each and every day. I feel so depressed and I feel like it’s depressing her in the process. Her demeanor on the daily has anger written all over it. And she’s unwilling to articulate what is bothering her. I don’t know how to help her.

DBM: Have you ever found your health in a state where your ability to simply care for yourself declines?

Jacob: I don’t think so.

DBM: Your wife is helpless with her new reality. That is the rage of emotions you’re probably witnessing.

Jacob: I understand and I don’t know what else to do

DBM: How old are you?

Jacob: 43

DBM: How old is she?

Jacob: 40

DBM: How long have you been married?

Jacob: 12 years

DBM: What is the story behind her current state?

Jacob: We were struggling to get pregnant after years of trying. Though we both had busy lifestyles and unbearable work commitments, we still made time to get together to actually have a lot of sex, which was fun. She got pregnant in January 2022. She started to bleed profusely after giving birth, and her blood pressure elevated for no reason. The next thing we realized, she was having difficulty speaking. Her face drooped and that was the beginning of her problems.

DBM: How is the baby?

Jacob: He is doing well. Thank you for asking

DBM: Has your wife held her baby yet?

Jacob: No. Her arms are still weak but she’s seeing him grow every day.

DBM: Let me guess, you’ve not had sex with wifey since then?

Jacob: I’ve had to push down the thought of having sex with her on the list of my priorities. It’s not easy, Dave. I don’t cheat. I have never cheated on my wife with another person. So, you can understand why this a bit hard for me. Three years is no joke

DBM: I can only imagine

Jacob: When I found out we were finally going to have a child, I couldn’t wait for that opportunity to raise my baby boy. Dave, it takes enormous responsibility to be an exemplary male figure in a child’s life. I want our little Jason to be what he sees his father do for his mother. My son has to see honor and integrity in me when he sees me. I want him to understand that my relationship with his mother is the most important relationship in my life and I do not intend to treat it casually. I am glad he’s seeing my commitment to his mother not as optional.

DBM: You sound like a decent man.

Jacob: I don’t want to be a liar, Dave. No one cheats without becoming deceitful on some level. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. If I tell my wife I’m working late at the office on any given day, I make sure it isn’t a half truth that I would later have to redefine the ‘working’ so I can silence a compromised conscience. Marriage is no laughing matter, especially, now, for me. This version of ‘in sickness and in health’ is quite trying for me right now.

DBM: You need to hold on someway, somehow, and trust the process. As sure as everything in life somehow, changes, so does marriage. Try not to give up on her

Jacob: I’m really trying. Ugh, Dave, you’re making me teary. It’s not easy at all.

DBM: Take things one day at a time, and continue to do the very best you can to do right by yourself, do right by your wife; do right by little Jason, and most importantly, by GOD. He comes through for those open to do their best to practice acceptance, patience and empathy in times like these.

Jacob: I hope so

DBM: Everything is going to be alright. Learn to live through this difficult phase in your marriage and take control of the narrative. Don’t let your wife’s sudden inability and transition to take control over your emotions and actions.

Jacob: Thank you

DBM: Do you mind if I pray for you?

Jacob: Please pray for me

DBM: I pray the Lord to give you enough grace, so much patience and endurance to be a loving support to your wife through this difficult time. I pray the Lord to wrap your home in His ever-protective presence, and remind you each and every day of His boundless and unfailing love. May the Lord comfort you in your pain, may He ease your wife’s suffering and give her enough strength to endure this severe illness. I pray the Lord to restore her body, cell by cell, and let His river of peace attend to her troubled mind. May the Lord hold you and Jason so close to Himself. By faith in the name of Jesus, you and your wife are made strong. I pray the Lord Jesus to heal your wife – for little Jason’s sake. I pray the Lord to heal your wife – for your own sake. I pray the Lord to heal your wife – for His name’s sake, because He loves us and desires to answer our prayers if only, we will come unto Him and ask. This we ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, who will receive all the glory when she is healed. We seek to praise You, O Lord, in that healing. Amen!

Jacob: Amen.

Image Credit: Danily UK

Rich Man’s Wife

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Quayeba: My first time in your inbox. Should I be worried or it’s safe in here? Lol

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hehehe! Welcome!

Quayeba: Thank you. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. How are you doing?

Quayeba: Fine. Where do I begin…

DBM: Lol!

Quayeba: I’m 36 years old. Been married for 7 years. I married a rich man. Not for love but to overcome the extreme poverty that marked my upbringing. Dave, my parents couldn’t afford to pay our bills. The kind of hardship I had to endure growing up poor affected the trajectory of my childhood as I went through life. I cannot count the number of jobs my parents had to work to be able to pay our school fees or feed us. That was why when I first looked at a picture of myself in junior high school and realized how beautiful I was, I was awestruck. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was like, everything else disappeared for me to have a mind shift. I wasn’t going to undervalue my appearance. I was a beautiful woman, and that was something I could use to escape poverty. All the men I’ve attracted and entertained have been rich or had extra money to spare. I didn’t really care if they slept with other women. It wasn’t an issue for me so long as he can provide me with a lifestyle that I wasn’t used to. I agreed to marry my husband because he could provide me the needed financial security. We live in a beautiful home and I get to go on luxury vacations with our children. My children get to live the life I never had growing up.

DBM: You have it all figured out, I guess?

Quayeba: Oh no, but I was willing to give my theory a chance.

DBM: Are you happy?

Quayeba: Dave, I am very happy with my life

DBM: Are you happily married?

Quayeba: Marriage is providing me and my children all the comfort and stability we need. I can’t complain. My conscience and dignity have an understanding with me. We don’t want to suffer or struggle anymore and it’s working for us so far.

DBM: … Till he trades you in for a younger chic

Quayeba: It won’t come to that

DBM: How do you know?

Quayeba: I know. Dave, I’ve weighed the costs and benefits and I have decided to come to terms with whatever my husband chooses to do with his dick out there.

DBM: I too grew up poor. Life wasn’t easy for me and my siblings. Life is still not easy but we are choosing to work hard to create careers for ourselves so we can have the kind of future we dream of; and also, be able to take care of our parents. Are your parents still alive?

Quayeba: My dad is dead but mother is here with me.

DBM: Well, good for you. Whatever makes you sleep at night is the end goal.

Quayeba: I sleep very well at night. I live a nice life. What else can a woman ask for?

DBM: Living a comfortable life on someone else’s money isn’t a safety net. Do you work?

Quayeba: I’m a full-time wife

DBM: Good for you. This is what I can say, men are not predictable beings. You wouldn’t want to continually risk being at the mercy of your husband’s money. Do you have a separate bank account you’re at least, stashing some cash for a rainy day?

Quayeba: I do

DBM: Great. My next concern is for the children

Quayeba: What about them?

DBM: What kind of energy are they absorbing from your dynamic with your husband? Because whatever examples you both are leading with in the marriage is setting a precedent of a sort. Your sons and daughters will grow up re-enacting the very same drama you and your husband are living or enduring.

Quayeba: At least, my daughter wouldn’t be poor

DBM: Because she would have learnt from you how to use men also for their money. She’s learning from her favorite and best teacher. You’re teaching her that every relationship ought to be transactional. You are teaching her how not accept mutual respect or to be respected in general by a man. Outside of her physical look, you’re also teaching her how valueless she could be. That is just for your daughter. Do you have a son?

Quayeba: I do

DBM: Tolerating your husband’s infidelity and witnessing his father get away with it is teaching him to grow into using women solely for his physical gratification. You two are teaching him how to disrespect women.

Quayeba: My children will not grow up poor. That is all that is important to me

DBM: How do you know?

Quayeba: You’ve not been following our chat? Their father is rich. We are rich

DBM: You are not rich. You’re living in the wins of an expensive gamble. You’re just another poor, beautiful woman with a lot of money at your disposal. Are you creating wealth for yourself and children, or you’re simply waiting on a will to be read after your husband’s demise?

Quayeba: The tone of the conversation is changing

DBM: Are you developing your financial intelligence? That is all I am asking. That, is wealth in my opinion.

Quayeba: How do you define rich since you know more about being a rich man’s wife than I do?

DBM: You’re thinking like the typical African. But again, what do I know!

Quayeba: Am asking a harmless question, Dave. How do you know I am rich?

DBM: I would have known you’re a rich woman if you had told me about your decision to train or learn something new, a skill or anything to improve yourself constantly. The philosophy you’ve introduced me to – about yourself is the fact that, a man has to give you money in order for you to take off.

Quayeba: I have a degree in Business Administration that I don’t use

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to your story. Why did you reach out to me?

Quayeba: My friend just found out about my husband’s infidelities and is angry that I’ve known all this while and done nothing about it. She doesn’t know I chose this life. She doesn’t also know that I have my own side cock I take on a wild ride every now and then.

DBM: It’s very interesting how you just elaborated the shipwreck of a childhood you survived, only for you to jump on another ship without a lifeboat.

Quayeba: What do you mean?

DBM: Do make it your best day today. I have a meeting to prepare for.

Image Credit: Cristina Cunha

Calculated Risk

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Kai: Hi

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! Everything alright?

Kai: No

DBM: What’s the problem?

Kai: My husband makes me feel so small, Dave. I don’t understand why he does that

DBM: Marriage is supposed to make us feel safe

Kai: I don’t feel like I can be myself around him anymore. The things he can say to me and sometimes the way he looks at me and acts makes me want to even question my worth. I don’t think I am good enough for him at this stage of his life.

DBM: Tell me a little about yourself

Kai: I used to be that girl who was unstoppable and outspoken. There was no limit to what I could accomplish. I could push through adversity and fight for what I wanted. Dave, I was strong, smart, powerful in my own right, savvy, secure and confident. I was loving and brave and wasn’t trying too hard to be perfect like I am lately trying so hard to do to be seen by my husband. I do all the basics at home, I cook, I take care of our children and husband, I try my best to please him. I work hard; I avoid any type of conflict with him and still would be rejected. I don’t know what else I haven’t done for him not to find fault with. It’s tiring. I am tired of keeping peace while silencing the pain it causes me in the process. I don’t feel chosen by him.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Kai: I manage a hedge fund portfolio. I hold a PhD in Business Economics

DBM: How old are you?

Kai: 41

DBM: You love your job?

Kai: Very much

DBM: Marriage is somewhat like a job. If your husband doesn’t love or know what to do with you, he’s probably not going to be motivated to go above and beyond, to transform and to stand out in the relationship. Do you know your sense of worth without his approval?

Kai: I do

DBM: Good! Stop walking on eggshells around him. Stop overthinking whatever he’s making you feel like you’ve done wrong. Do not allow his actions to affect your self-esteem. If he’s not going to appropriately communicate with you about what is really going on with him, then do not believe any criticism you hear him make about you. I know men who thrive on using criticisms as a way to feel like they’re in control or are powerful. Who you know you are should be separate from your husband’s bad behavior towards and opinions about you. If he’s refusing to affirm you, let it not define your worth as a woman and mother.

Kai: Ok

DBM: He does what he does to you because he isn’t afraid of losing you. Sometimes, you have to stop playing it safe and let them lose you – if they’re choosing to take you for granted. It wouldn’t be a reckless decision on your part if you know how to take a calculated risk. I keep telling you ladies, do not give any man a long rope to tie you with. Do not give a man, be it your husband, boyfriend, boss, friend or stranger so much power to mess with the rise or fall of your value anytime he chooses to change his mood. With such men, you only are useful until you aren’t.

Kai: I sometimes feel like I made a huge mistake with my choice of a husband. I let other good men and friends go because of him.

DBM: If you can make a mistake and you can learn from the mistake, then the mistake was worth it.

Kai: You’re right.

Image Credit: Mizuno Kozuki

18 Years After ‘I Do’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife was standing by her friend’s side as she said “I do” to my best friend, who she believes is the man of her dreams. All it took was one intense gaze from me and she tickled from the ends of her hair to the tips of her toe. Dave, finding the correct woman to wife is not easy but I am lucky to have recognized my friend’s wife’s Maid of Honor, who I believe had smiled her way out of my fantasy and come to life. We became friends after the wedding and I realized how much I liked her a lot. Friendship was so easy we didn’t have to impress each other. I was seen as I truly am. I held on to her as the weeks and months passed because I could appreciate her thoughtfulness and introspection. Everything and nothing were on the table for discussion because we enjoyed talking about something. I admired the woman she was. I had also developed trust in her to the extent that, I was sure about my interest in an exclusive relationship with her. She was the right wife fabric I needed to stitch and embroider. I became so consistent in my actions because she was extremely consistent in her care for me.

We dated for 13 months and in those periods, I realized how my emotions towards her often would feel strained, while her feelings of love for me would lessen. I wasn’t always in love with her. She wasn’t always impressed or in awe of me. I did not always desire to be with her. I did not always want to choose her above all others. It was a confusing phase in my life. I imagined talking to other women with whom I felt I was going to be more compatible with. On my 40th birthday, my 7-year-old niece wished me a happy birthday and asked when I was going to get married. I was very surprised at her question. I told her I didn’t know and she said, ‘Uncle, love is not just a feeling. Love is a choice.’

I asked her to explain and she said she doesn’t always love my nephew because they fight and argue a lot. Her brother is unkind to her most of the time but she still loved him even though sometimes her love for him feels further away. That was the conversation that changed my approach to love and marriage. I had forgotten that I really wanted to be with my wife, her flaws and strengths together. I didn’t have to choose her in a perfect state. I didn’t have to know how to be married in order to be a great husband. I didn’t have to know what it looked like in my day-to-day to love a wife, honor and cherish her. It didn’t have to look a certain way to be perfect. And instead of zoning out when things aren’t going or feeling the way I wanted them to be, I would rather talk to her about it.

I asked my wife to marry me a day after my 40th birthday, and we’ve been together since for 18 years. My marriage entails a lot of generosity with kind words and respect. I am a source of help to my wife without being asked. Dave, it has taken me a lot of daily attention, patience and hard work to see these 18-year results happening to us in 2026. And just like any farm, our marriage has gone through its own different seasons, in which I’ve had to nurture the soil, pull unwanted weeds and intentionally adapting to unpredictable weather to yield a healthy bond as harvest. I am doing the work as a man and husband, the best way I know how. And every deposit I have made into my marriage has been so far, worth the effort.

My wife is a good listener but I too listen to her, not with the intention of reacting but to understand her. I’ve never expected perfection from my wife because I am not perfect in my ways. And the Bible was right about one thing, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” I am reminded to calm whenever I am almost frustrated with her. I am reminded to do what I can to make her happy instead of chasing after what would make me happy from outside.

There is joy in our marriage because we lean on God. There is peace in our marriage because God is in the center of our marriage.

Image Credit: Nude The Photographer

Not Eating

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Wilson: My best friend is in prison. She was being investigated for murdering her husband. She did not confess to the crime but she told me once that she wasn’t going to let him get away with something he had done. My husband is my biggest partner in crime because we gossip together a lot. I jokingly told him about the threat my friend had made one day on the way home from a party, and the next morning, we heard about the demise of my friend’s husband. To be clear David, I don’t know what she did but the medical examiners tested his blood, urine and internal organs to detect lethal substances. He was poisoned.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): By?

Wilson: I don’t know. My friend, allegedly.

DBM: What did her late husband do?

Wilson: He was living a double life.

DBM: An affair?

Wilson: Yes, that had produced a child. Fast forward to April 2026; I found out that my own husband is expecting a child with another woman. I’ve been trying to smile and pretend that everything around me is fine but it’s not. I can forgive my husband but he doesn’t believe I’m capable of letting go. He’s not ate food from my kitchen since April, 12.

DBM: Where’s he feeding then?

Wilson: I don’t know. He comes home not hungry.

DBM: Then he’s not hungry

Wilson: Dave, we’re talking about my husband. He can wake me up at dawn to fry shrimps and put it in sauce for him to eat. His crave for food has no time zone

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wilson: 10 years.

DBM: Kids?

Wilson: Yes. We have children. Initially, I was thinking he probably wasn’t hungry but we’re in June and he’s still not hungry to eat my food?

DBM: Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want to eat your food. That is also okay. The fewer the merrier.

Wilson: But it’s upsetting me.

DBM: Why?

Wilson: He thinks I’m going to poison him

DBM: He specifically told you that?

Wilson: No, but what else could it mean?

DBM: Have you communicated your concerns to him?

Wilson: I have

DBM: And?

Wilson: He doesn’t take it seriously. He tells me not to worry

DBM: Is your husband happily married to you?

Wilson: He has a baby on the way with another woman. Will a happily married man do that?

DBM: Marriages go through tough times like these sometimes. It doesn’t mean it has to shake the foundations on which it was built.

Wilson: Mine is currently shaking. Trust has been broken

DBM: Fair enough. Has the affair been addressed?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: How long has it been going on?

Wilson: 3 years. That is what he told me

DBM: Do you believe him?

Wilson: No

DBM: Does your husband have insight into how he’s hurt you with his actions, or he’s oblivious?

Wilson: He’s apologized

DBM: And?

Wilson: I have forgiven but not forgotten.

DBM: Is he truly sorry for his choice or sorry because he got caught?

Wilson: He is sorry because I found out about the pregnancy

DBM: How did you find out?

Wilson: A friend of mine is a nurse. She informed me about it.

DBM: How did she know?

Wilson: She saw them leaving the hospital where she works, together, in his car. She took a picture of them from a distance.

DBM: Is this an isolated event, sort of, or you think it’s a pattern?

Wilson: I think he’s been unfaithful to me all these 10 years with other women.

DBM: How do you know?

Wilson: I just know, from some of the chats on his phone.

DBM: You touched his phone?

Wilson: I had to, when he was asleep

DBM: Do you have the depth and strength to recover from this?

Wilson: I don’t know because I will never trust him again. Dave, I am angry and depressed and I have anxiety. Going through these emotions alone is difficult.

DBM: I can only imagine. Is he at least, showing up for you – to make it up to you?

Wilson: He can start by eating from my kitchen

DBM: This again? Lol! How is that important?

Wilson: It is important to me

DBM: Have you considered seeking counseling from a professional therapist?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: Okay?

Wilson: I’m talking to you.

DBM: I am not a counselor

Wilson: You are to me

DBM: You need to speak with a professional

Wilson: I feel comfortable talking to you about it.

DBM: Understood, but I am not trained for this

Wilson: Ok

DBM: A three-year affair that is producing a child isn’t purely physical. There is a deep emotional connection already built. The intimacy they share has been over amplified, meaning, he perceives the intimacy he shares with you to be lacking something. Something is making your husband drift apart from you.

Wilson: What do I do?

DBM: Talk

Wilson: Over dinner, anaa? I cook, we sit and eat together and talk.

DBM: Yeah!

Wilson: That’s the point I’ve been making all along. He has to start eating from home.

DBM: You’ve really forgiven him?

Wilson: I think so. I want him to end the relationship with her.

DBM: What if he doesn’t want to?

Wilson: I will put myself in a different place doing different things.

DBM: You don’t have plans of poisoning him, do you?

Wilson: Not yet

Image Credit: The Only Abdulla

The Man He’s Not

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Rawline: Hi David. Please do me a favor. This is a picture of my husband making out with the man he’s been sleeping with. Can you post their faces on your page for me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Why would I post something like that?

Rawline: You’re not going to post it?

DBM: Make a post of it on your own timeline.

Rawline: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Rawline: I’m preparing to file for divorce.

DBM: Contact Cila or Manokekame. They might consider posting it.

Rawline: Why don’t you want to share my story?

DBM: This is not a story. You want to humiliate your husband. My platform is not for such purposes. You’re conducting a revenge campaign.

Rawline: Why are men so heartless?

DBM: Some men, not all men

Rawline: I don’t understand why my husband would do this to me

DBM: Have you confronted him about this picture?

Rawline: No. The other guy is also married.

DBM: Confront him!

Rawline: What do I gain from that?

DBM: You live in a society that pushes men like your husband to cower in the closet because of their sexual orientation.

Rawline: What has that got to do with the fact that the man I have children with is a homosexual?

DBM: How did you get this image?

Rawline: Does it matter? I’ve had my husband followed for months. They’ve been meeting at a rented apartment. I got a camera installed. I have a full video of them in the act.

DBM: Let him know you have in your possession, evidence of him being intimate with another man. Let him know you know he’s having sex with men.

Rawline: Dave, all these years I’ve been in a trauma bond with this narcissist and liar. His actions towards me made me believe I was the cause of his unhappiness in the marriage. Why are men like that?

DBM: Some men, not all men.

Rawline: I have been left alone in this miserable marriage to be picking up the pieces.

DBM: I’m very sorry about that.

Rawline: Men are wicked David.

DBM: Can I ask questions?

Rawline: What?

DBM: You had no idea about his sexuality prior to marriage?

Rawline: No

DBM: You had no inkling of a sort?

Rawline: No.

DBM: How has your sex life been like?

Rawline: Normal. Dave, my husband is a strong man. He has no girlish tendencies. I had no suspicions.

DBM: How do you think you’ve both changed since you got married?

Rawline: I realized something was lacking weeks after we got married but I didn’t know what it was. There was no urgency in his desire for me. But when we’re in public, he’s excited about introducing me to his friends and colleagues. After the birth of our first child, he became angry and belligerent. I also realized how withdrawn and anxious he often was. So many things weren’t adding up which was confusing to me.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory of him?

Rawline: He loves our children and treats them better. He’s more loving towards them, he’s happy to see them. He is more enthusiastic when he’s talking to the children. He hugs them and kisses them, and would sacrifice his last money and free time for them. He is a good father and is more interested his children’s lives. But Dave, this marriage is broken and cannot be repaired.

DBM: Have you considered how your life would look like once you’re divorced?

Rawline: I have thought about it. I would rather be alone than to limit myself to a miserable life. I don’t want to model the wrong example of a marriage to my children by staying in a shitty situation. This is not what I signed up for. My issue is, if I had fallen in love with another man, because I wouldn’t want to have an affair, I would leave my husband. Why can’t men be honest with women? I always felt he had been acting differently. He was behaving as if he didn’t want to be with me while he was playing out his fantasies with other men. I was convinced I was the reason for his unhappiness.

DBM: This is your escape route if you’ve been feeling trapped in the marriage. It’s not healthy to endure hopelessness and misery. This is your perfect relief to leave behind all the pain.

Rawline: I really loved my husband, David. To now have to grieve the loss of the man I love, and a marriage I have invested so much of my youth, resources and everything heavily in, the future I thought we were building together as a family. All these years of my life spent with him was a sham. Who does that? I am going to publicly humiliate this guy for what he has done to me.

DBM: Things do not always feel fair or logical in life sometimes. The pain, hurt and fear you’re experiencing aren’t proof that your life is over. You’re not broken.

Rawline: I am broken, David.

DBM: Imagine your best friend came to you this very evening feeling the way you are feeling now – what would you say to her? What would your immediate instinct offer her? You’re not that broken, believe me. Offer yourself the very same kindness you would grace your best friend with. You can find a safe space to heal from this kind of betrayal. Do not lose sight of what gives your life meaning and purpose. Your husband, at this moment, is not your purpose to fulfill.

Rawline: Do you think he’s going to be gay forever?

DBM: I understand that you love him but you may want more from your marriage than he can ever offer you over time.

Rawline: Can a gay man love a woman?

DBM: I think so. If your husband has ever told you he loved you, he probably did. However, loving you doesn’t change his orientation

Rawline: Awwww. David. You’re making me cry. Thank you. I will go ahead with the divorce.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Pursuit Of Happiness

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Armstrong: I’m considering leaving my wife but I don’t know how to explain my decision to her

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain your decision to me

Armstrong: That’s the problem Dave; I don’t have a legal reason. Can a man leave his wife without providing concrete reasons?

DBM: Yes, legally, a man or woman can just wake up one morning and pack up and leave or file for divorce. I’ve had conversations in the past with men and women who did that and the courts granted them divorce.

Armstrong: What kind of divorce did they file?

DBM: I don’t remember exactly but I know someone once mentioned a ‘no-fault divorce’ or something like that. Would you want me to post this conversation on my platform?

Armstrong: Yes, but anonymously.

DBM: Of course. I’m certain the lawyers who often comment on my cases would educate us on these types of filings.

Armstrong: Thank you Dave

DBM: How long have you been married?

Armstrong: I don’t want to give details about my marriage. My wife might read this

DBM: She follows my page?

Armstrong: I don’t know. Women follow your page. That’s all I know

DBM: You have children?

Armstrong: Yes. Don’t ask me how many or their ages

DBM: Why do you want to divorce your wife?

Armstrong: I told you already, I don’t know

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. There’s no reason. She’s not done anything wrong to me.

DBM: What have you done wrong then?

Armstrong: Lol.

DBM: Because there is rarely ‘no reason’ if we’re to touch on the emotional and psychological subject of it.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: You’re not happy with?

Armstrong: I don’t know Dave

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. Stop saying I know

DBM: You know! If I am not happy, I may not be happy with myself, my life, my partner, marriage or a particular circumstance. You can’t just say you’re not happy.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: What do you feel is that long-term underlying issue shifting your marriage in the quiet?

Armstrong: I don’t have an answer that would make sense to you.

DBM: Unmet needs?

Armstrong: She meets my needs

DBM: Okay! So, then what are some of the emotions you’re not bold enough to speak about with her? Because you’re clearly emotionally distant, no?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: Are you happy with your life?

Armstrong: I have a good career. I love my children. I’m happy being a father. I would flourish being a single dad and not a husband.

DBM: And not a husband to your wife or generally being a husband to anyone?

Armstrong: Being a husband to my wife

DBM: Do you find your wife attractive?

Armstrong: I used to

DBM: Why don’t you anymore?

Armstrong: There’s no explanation. Before you ask, there is no new side-chick in the waiting. I’m not seeing anyone. Dave, I just want to be single. I want to be single. I don’t want to be married anymore. I’m not happy

DBM: What would make you happy?

Armstrong: If I’m divorced

DBM: Do you feel safe at home?

Armstrong: What do you mean?

DBM: Do you feel safe around your wife?

Armstrong: Yes, but I don’t want it anymore

DBM: Do you feel seen by your wife?

Armstrong: Sometimes

DBM: Do you feel your wife understands you, as a man in her life?

Armstrong: I don’t know. I don’t care

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with your wife?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Are you getting sex from another person?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your wife?

Armstrong: No

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your family?

Armstrong: I love spending time with my children.

DBM: This is what I’ve deduced thus far: you might be a good man but not necessarily a great partner to your wife, no?

Armstrong: I’m a good person

DBM: But not good enough for your wife

Armstrong: I am not the husband she deserves

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: But you’re not considering leaving your wife for another woman?

Armstrong: Not at the moment. I just want to be single

DBM: Are you sexually compatible with your wife?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: How about physical intimacy?

Armstrong: I just answered you. We have good sex

DBM: Intimacy isn’t about sex. Good sex is just a complementary factor to build a marriage on easily.

Armstrong: We’re intimate

DBM: Does your marriage burden you?

Armstrong: I think we’re going round and round with your questions. You’re repeating questions with different words.

DBM: I am not. How old are you?

Armstrong: In my 40s

DBM: At what point did you stop being intentional about your marriage?

Armstrong: When she was pregnant with our second child

DBM: What happened?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: What happened to you when she was pregnant with your second child?

Armstrong: I fell in love with someone else

DBM: Where is this other person now?

Armstrong: Dead

DBM: What happened to her?

Armstrong: I don’t know

DBM: Let’s talk about your wife

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Why not?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Okay then! Would you want to discuss how your decision would make her feel?

Armstrong: She has to understand

DBM: Let’s assume you tell her you want out, and she doesn’t, and would want to fight for her marriage; what would be the way forward?

Armstrong: The way forward wouldn’t be with me. I want to be single

DBM: Why did you get married to her?

Armstrong: I was in love. I don’t know

DBM: Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: And?

Armstrong: It’s a waste of time. It wouldn’t change how I am feeling

DBM: But have you made the attempt to see one?

Armstrong: No. I know I will be happy if I am no longer married

DBM: Where do you see happiness?

Armstrong: My next chapter should be a happy place

DBM: Just be careful about placing your happiness to an unknown destination. We men very much are addicted to the high of finding our happy spots somewhere else. Yes, your next chapter could be your happy place, but happiness isn’t somewhere else. Happiness is where you are, and until you sit to seriously analyze your choices, you may never appreciate the happiness in where you find yourself today.

Armstrong: Gotta go Dave. Thanks for chatting

Image Credit: Savia Rocks

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