Love Is Not Always A Choice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Zion: Before I got married to my wife, she was my mother’s favorite hairdresser. My mother lived with me 22 years ago. No hairdresser in our area could fulfill my mum’s enormous hair goals. She expected me to always drive her to the saloon, pay her hairdresser and then later pick her back home. The two times she forced me to walk her into the saloon so she could introduce me to the single women working there, her favorite hairdresser was absent. I met beautiful ladies though, and got to hear interesting stories about their lives and why they would make perfect wives. By the way, my mother’s favorite hairdresser was then married. My mum asked me to drive her to a friend’s house one weekend, and it just happened to be my wife’s home. She had missed two bookings with my mother and she was worried something could be wrong with her. We got to her house and she informed us about her struggle with cancer. She could not adjust to the changes cancer brought to her life because she did not have a strong emotional support. Her husband wasn’t often present at home.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good evening. How are you doing?

Zion: I am fine, David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. This is a sad story

Zion: It’s not a sad story.

DBM: It’s not?

Zion: Let me tell you what happened next. My mother started to make regular but short visits to her, and of course, I was the one always driving her to and fro. One thing I found striking about my wife was her ability to still be cheerful and would say funny things to make us laugh, even though she was in great pain. On one of those visits to her house, we were greeted with sad news. Her husband had been involved in a vehicular accident and had lost his life. His pregnant girlfriend survived the accident.

DBM: Pregnant girlfriend?

Zion: Dave, not every marriage is strong enough to survive a cancer diagnosis. My wife was telling us about the additional pressure and the distress her diagnosis had on her marriage with her late husband. It was a difficult challenge for him to navigate. She was telling my mother her inability to engage in sex with her late husband was due to the dryness in her vagina.

DBM: But is intimacy all about intercourse?

Zion: What counts as sex for you?

DBM: Sex to me should be any creative activity that is pleasurable enough to connect me to my partner emotionally.

Zion: Example?

DBM: I know how to give a good massage that can release me off stress.

Zion: Two weeks after her husband’s burial, my mother asked me to drive her to her chemotherapy treatment. We had an hour and half long meeting with her doctor. She had been struggling with the side effects of the medications and the procedure. It was a tough call but I was willing to be there for her.

DBM: Why?

Zion: At first, it was for my mother’s sake but later I became fond of her. I fell in love with her.

DBM: Did she have any children?

Zion: No.

DBM: How long after her husband’s burial before falling in love?

Zion: Exactly three weeks.

DBM: You could fall in love that quickly?

Zion: I didn’t have any desire for her to love me back. Loving her was good enough for me to be there for her. And I was willing to love her even through the cancer.

DBM: When did you know you were in love?

Zion: The day I decided to take six months off work to support her at home. I had no reason to do that but I did it. Loving someone isn’t a choice you make. It’s something you just do because you rejoice in it. It didn’t make sense to my mother. It didn’t have to make sense to anyone.

DBM: Was she also in love with you?

Zion: She didn’t have to, Dave. I was willing to be the only one in that situationship to be having her best interest at heart. What I felt for my wife was willing to endure cancer with her. I was willing to share her pain and grief. I am still persisting against all odds 20 years later.

DBM: That’s how long you’ve been married?

Zion: Yes.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

What You Got

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Amelia: My husband quit his job in January, without informing me. I am a nursing mother on maternity leave. This is our second child and the transition is still a big deal for me. I am unable to sleep well at night due to stress. Dave, it’s not just my mood that has been impacted, I feel overwhelmed doing the lion’s share of the household chores and caring for our two sons, while my husband stays out late into the night every day. I had been begging him to help me with the domestic duties but he was using being busy at work as his excuse. I was always the nagging wife to him anytime I complained about his attitude. I caught him in an affair on the 12th of January, and instead of him explaining his actions to me, he quit his job instead on the 15th of January, to be a stay-at-home dad.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are your kids?

Amelia: Three years and a three months old baby.

DBM: What work do you do for a living?

Amelia: I am a Statistician

DBM: Is it a job that pays well?

Amelia: Very well

DBM: What was your husband’s profession?

Amelia: He is a Medical Scientist

DBM: Has he a backup plan?

Amelia: Not that I know of.

DBM: What was his reason for quitting?

Amelia: He says because I was complaining about him not assisting with house chores and his late nights out.

DBM: Quitting his job for these lame excuses of a reason wouldn’t solve your problems and his infidelity. Did he love his job?

Amelia: Yes. That was the profession he always wanted to do.

DBM: Is he helping now at home?

Amelia: Yes. He’s doing the best that he can to lighten my stress

DBM: Good to know. You get to breathe and unwind.

Amelia: Yes

DBM: What version of him is currently showing up to you – as a husband?

Amelia: I don’t know what to make of him, honestly. I don’t trust anything he says or does. He was cheating on me all this while, and I cannot forget that. I am profoundly hurt, Dave.

DBM: I am so sorry about that

Amelia: Hmmm

DBM: You have absolute control over your personal boundaries. Do you believe your husband loves you?

Amelia: Yes

DBM: Do you love him?

Amelia: I do. I feel so stupid still having love for him

DBM: You’re not stupid for expressing care for him. Your heart is broken and it needs healing. Has he considered couples therapy?

Amelia: Not yet

DBM: Would you be open to it?

Amelia: Yes

DBM: How about your husband?

Amelia: I don’t think so

DBM: Can he afford divorce?

Amelia: Hmmm

DBM: Has he showed remorse and expressed it clearly to you?

Amelia: He has

DBM: Do you feel your marriage still has legs?

Amelia: Meaning?

DBM: Can you two work things out?

Amelia: I don’t know

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Amelia: I’m imagining what it would feel like to be single again.

DBM: Has your husband ended the affair?

Amelia: Yes. I think my husband is trying to contain his inner angst

DBM: When do you return to work?

Amelia: March

DBM: How long is he intending to be stay-at-home dad?

Amelia: He doesn’t know but he is clearly relieved to be free from the provider burden.

DBM: Do you earn enough?

Amelia: I earn more than him for sure.

DBM: I just want to say this: please do the best you can to maintain respect for the roles you both are choosing to do, because you’re all contributing to the marriage and family one way or the other. It’s still teamwork, regardless who is wearing the proverbial pants to bring money home.

Image Credit: Lawrence Crayton

Birds Of The Same Roster

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Sonnie: Hey David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing?

Sonnie: I’m fine. I was one of the guys on my wife’s roster before we developed feelings for each other and got married. I had an active roster of my own but I had to drop everyone else on the list to focus on my wife. We’ve been married for three years and I think she’s started to chat with some of the guys she used to play with.

DBM: What is a roster, in this context?

Sonnie: When you date multiple people at once.

DBM: To/with the knowledge of the others?

Sonnie: Not always. The others don’t have to know because it’s a non-committal encounter.

DBM: Describe the roster you used to keep. I’m still trying to understand the subject.

Sonnie: I had a lot of time on my hands when I was a single man, so I had about four ladies circulating on mine. My wife for instance fucked with me only on Saturdays, because her weekdays were booked with other men she fucked with.

DBM: Is the roster centered only on sex?

Sonnie: Most of the times, but some go on light dates or are plus-ones for specific occasions before getting laid at the end of the day. Some are added for their exceptional, homey qualities to benefit us. For instance, I rotated girls who were good at cooking, cleaning or their laundry skills, before or after some hot quickies etc.

DBM: Oh, I get it. Like what those boys on Facebook are doing under the pretext of giving girls a soft-life?

Sonnie: Something like that.

DBM: So, you knew about your wife’s roster?

Sonnie: She told me about it

DBM: And, you were okay with it?

Sonnie: I wasn’t but I respected the fact that she told me about it.

DBM: Why weren’t you comfortable with it?

Sonnie: Because I wanted to pursue an exclusive relationship with her but she wasn’t sure she could get everything she was looking for in one man.

DBM: What was she looking for in her men?

Sonnie: I don’t know. I never asked

DBM: Not even before you married?

Sonnie: No. I didn’t want to know

DBM: Why didn’t you want to know?

Sonnie: It would have upset me.

DBM: But you were rotating other females too, no?

Sonnie: I was, though mine was mainly a mechanism to survive. Hers was for the sex and fun it added to her dating life.

DBM: Both of you seemed to have enjoyed the Kool-Aid, no?

Sonnie: It was fun till it wasn’t. I wanted to settle down and she was the lady on my list I had fallen in love with.

DBM: Was she in love with you?

Sonnie: She said she was but I knew she wasn’t too keen on being bound to just one guy. Also, she got pregnant with our son.

DBM: While rotating on each other’s rosters?

Sonnie: Yes.

DBM: How do you know he’s your son?

Sonnie: A DNA test proved it. She was the only woman I was having unprotected sex with.

DBM: Were you the only guy she was engaging in unprotected sex with?

Sonnie: I should think so.

DBM: Okay, you do not know then?

Sonnie: No. Do you think I should let her know I disapprove of her conversations with the guy?

DBM: How old are you?

Sonnie: 42

DBM: How old is your wife?

Sonnie: 38

DBM: I think your wife, once in a while, may re-visit her past life. I feel you may also end up doing same, if not already.

Sonnie: I’ve been faithful to her since we got married.

DBM: Good to know however, the lifestyles you two exposed yourselves to, I think expanded your relationships with your individual selves to a whole new path to self-discovery. You cannot be the only one fulfilling every single good moment or feeling in your wife’s life that other men on her roster used to satisfy. Her body is used to different kinds of pleasures she’s explored and enjoyed with different male figures. I don’t think you can be that all-in-one package to satisfy all of her needs.

Sonnie: But she satisfies mine.

DBM: Are you sure about that?

Sonnie: You don’t think people can change for the better?

DBM: Anybody can change.

Sonnie: I have changed

DBM: She might have also changed for three years but the capability to become her past self is still a possibility. You need to come to terms with that. Have you tried couples therapy?

Sonnie: No. I don’t like inviting a third wheel in my personal issues.

DBM: You don’t always have to be doing any and everything to keep a man or woman who isn’t that much into you. You will make yourselves miserable in the end.

Sonnie: But I’m invested in my marriage. We have a child together

DBM: You cannot make a person fit into your preferred narrative.

Sonnie: I love my wife, Dave.

DBM: You can love a person, that’s understandable. But you don’t have to love them in your house, or life. Or even through a marriage. You can love someone genuinely and still stop being with them.

Sonnie: You think she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

DBM: That’s a question you have to ask your wife.

Sonnie: Are you free today? I want to suggest to my wife to have a chat with you. I want to know what’s going through her mind.

DBM: It’s a holiday today, and so I am home the entire day.

Image Credit: Carlos de Jesus 

I Wanna Stand Over There

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paisleigh: Dave, it’s February. Can we chat? I’ve been messaging you since September

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Paisleigh: Am fine. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paisleigh: I have a 24-year-old daughter who wants to get married this year. I’ve been a little grumpy about her decision because I know she’s not ready for what she’s about to jump into. I’ve not been able to congratulate or be happy for her because I am against her decision to marry so young. And because of that she wants me to introduce her to her father’s family. I raised my baby girl as a single parent. Her father has not been a part of our lives since I got pregnant with her. He does not even know I got pregnant with his child.

DBM: Is her father alive?

Paisleigh: Yes

DBM: Do you want to introduce her to him?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: Why not?

Paisleigh: She came about as a result of rape.

DBM: I’m sorry about that

Paisleigh: I have tried to keep the conversation about her dad out of our talks because she may end up eventually hating him.

DBM: Or, forgiving him. People change, you know?

Paisleigh: Yes.

DBM: Do you want her to know him?

Paisleigh: No. I do not trust him.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing what actually happened between you two, prior to the assault?

Paisleigh: I was questioning my identity at a very young age. 14, maybe 15 years old. Even at that age, I knew I couldn’t see myself pursuing a relationship with a boy even if I liked one. Boys had had crushes on me but I couldn’t crush on any of them that I liked as friends. Rather, I found our class prefect Mina attractive. I also liked Akua Forson, and Maame Serwaa. Dave, these are real people I schooled with and are now doing so well in life. It was a struggle to express my feelings openly, so I had to repress it somehow. I can’t remember what really happened but something happened for me to be enrolled in a camp retreat for 9 days during one of our school vacations. There were a lot of teenagers at the camp. One of the leaders or organizers of the camp who registered me upon my arrival was talking to my mother, and I don’t know what discussions they had had till date; but he showed special interest in my spiritual growth at the retreat. He seemed harmless and his tactics were insidious. He forced himself into becoming my spiritual mentor and ended up assaulting me sexually a day before the retreat ended. He also told me my mother had informed him about my interest in girls and he felt I was truly broken on the inside, that he had to teach me what it felt like to have interests in boys.

DBM: Did you report him to your mother or any of the leadership at the camp?

Paisleigh: No. I was disappointed and mad at myself. And I believed him when he said I was a broken piece. I was also mad at my mother for setting me up to this.

DBM: Predators pick on children they know are the least likely to tell on them.

Paisleigh: You’re right. I was the shy girl, very quiet and secretive. My mother trusted and was depending on him because he was the Christian adult at the retreat.

DBM: How old do you think he was?

Paisleigh: Not sure. 29 or in his early 30’s. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my parents were insisting to know who was responsible. I was beaten by my mom and threatened by my dad but I kept his name to myself.

DBM: Your mother was not able to watch for signs you directly or indirectly showed at home after the camp?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: That is rather unfortunate. They were wrong for what they did to you. As a parent, beating an already severely traumatized child is really some next level shit.

Paisleigh: I know but I also blame myself. I shouldn’t have paid any attention to what I felt for girls.

DBM: I do not believe any girl or boy should be conditioned to our culture’s misogynistic and heteronormative attitude of always encouraging people to place their value on their capability to just being straight with their desires. It’s not every boy that is attracted to a girl. It’s not every girl that is attracted to a boy. Some boys desire boys. Some girls find girls attractive.

Paisleigh: Hmmm

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your daughter.

Paisleigh: Yes. My biggest fear is that she would gravitate more to her father’s love and acceptance of her and may no longer need me.

DBM: What makes you think that?

Paisleigh: The man is doing very well for himself. He is a big shot preacher with a big church and following in Accra. He has a beautiful family and my daughter may be drawn to the glitter.

DBM: As parents, we are indirectly expected to model to our children how to approach life and relationships. We are to teach them how to express and receive love; teach them how to process feelings of all sorts and how best they can handle disagreements. Do you think you have modeled that for her these past 24 years?

Paisleigh: I have tried. Yes

DBM: Good! It’s her father’s turn to shape and color the lens through which she’s going to see and make meaning of life. She’s deserving of that relationship with him.

Paisleigh: Without her knowing the genesis of her birth?

DBM: That is solely to your discretion but I would have told her about the camp-retreat story, and what he did to me. That is the context she needs right now to shape her conscious and unconscious perceptions about what she’s seeking in a father.

Paisleigh: Ok

DBM: I hope your daughter knows how phenomenal a mother you have been to her

Paisleigh: Hmmm

Image Credit: Tubarones Photography

10th Anniversary Message

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Monica: David, happy new year

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Happy New Year

Monica: Are you still having conversations with people?

DBM: No!

Monica: Why?

DBM: I am on break

Monica: Till when?

DBM: February

Monica: Oh, what I want to discuss with you is urgent Mr. Bondze Mbir. Please?

DBM: Are you at a point of wanting to end your life?

Monica: No

DBM: Then it can wait, no?

Monica: It would be too late by February. It shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes of your time

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Monica: My husband wants to celebrate our 10 years marriage anniversary by recreating with me, our ‘how we met’ story and filming it for our children to watch in the future. He has hired two videographers, one for me and the other for him to capture the circumstances leading to us meeting for the first time and our first date. He wants me to take advantage of this opportunity to tell or ask him anything else I might have forgotten to draw his attention to during our dating era, so we can watch the video as a reminder to do better for one another in the next ten years of our marriage.

DBM: It’s a thoughtful suggestion from him. What did you do to mark your 9th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: How about on your 5th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: 1st anniversary?

Monica: Nothing. We have never celebrated any of our marriage anniversaries, even when I remind him. As long as the years keep adding up, he’s ok.

DBM: How do I fit in all this?

Monica: I am willing to participate in his idea however; there are certain things I have come to know about my husband in these past 10 years that has really been a disappointment in my opinion. He is a great pretender and performer to outsiders. People look at me and automatically assume I have the best marriage and husband ever. He knows how much I love him and our family, and I think he’s been riding on that to often take me for granted when he comes home. In the presence of people, he is an Oscar winning actor to put on a great show for people to think he treats me right. He is sweet and nice to the wives of our close friends but harsh and mean to me at home. He speaks nicely and proudly about me to people but never to me in person, unless he wants sex. He is quick to criticize everything I do but would not tolerate it when I draw his attention to his own flaws.

DBM: I know men like that. Flattery goes to their head to blow them high, while criticisms go straight to their hearts to hurt their feelings. In their minds, they’re the only ones who can give or offer criticism but cannot take it.

Monica: David, that is my husband’s attitude. The other disappointment is, he’s been involved in two different affairs that I know of, unbeknownst to him.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Monica: I do

DBM: Are you still in love with him?

Monica: I am

DBM: Do you still want to do marriage with him in the equation?

Monica: Yes

DBM: Take advantage of his video documentation idea to let him know what you’ve come to understand about him after all these years.

Monica: I don’t know how to go about it, David. Also, I am scared I might say something that could ruin the whole anniversary celebration on camera.

DBM: Let’s role play. Act as your husband and let me use the little information you have given about him to address you – without hurting your/his feelings.

Monica: Ok

DBM: What’s his name?

Monica: Papa Yaw

DBM: PY, happy anniversary to us. Thank you very much for doing 10 years of marriage with me. It’s been a pleasure knowing you. It’s been a pleasure loving you. I do love you but as I have observed over the years, I have only gotten the least of you. You give the best of you to the people you are trying so hard to impress, while I get the least of you. That has been my lived experience with you in this marriage. I am not mad at you. I only disappointed in my husband. Papa Yaw, if I am going to do the next 10 years of marriage with you, I would only ask that should you feel the need to continue performing to look good in the eyes of people, at least, do not stop with the charade when you walk through the doors of our matrimonial home. Pretend with me too. Make me believe you genuinely are that much into me. Make me believe you love me. Make me believe you care about me. Don’t just come home to a wife because home is your safe space; give a performance for me to equally feel safe with you at home. Let me feel protected even if it’s just for show. Please let that become the new normal because how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Monica: He’s not going to get angry after hearing this?

DBM: When will you both watch the final film?

Monica: After the two videographers have combined our separate shoots.

DBM: So, you don’t see what you both say or do until the final edit?

Monica: Yes.

DBM: It’s a good message to him. He will hear you.

Monica: Okay.

DBM: You’re doing the right thing when you let your partner decide what your truest concerns are worth in a relationship or marriage.

Monica: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Kuda Foto

Lonely At The Top

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Luna: Good evening, Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you?

Luna: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. What’s on your mind?

Luna: My guy just asked me to marry him.

DBM: Oh great! Congratulations!

Luna: Thanks.

DBM: You’re excited, no?

Luna: I’m supposed to be but I don’t know why I am feeling a bit unsure.

DBM: Unsure about what?

Luna: He used to tell me he would never marry again.

DBM: People’s minds change, you know?

Luna: Yes, but he is a divorcee, and based on the stories he has shared with me about his ex-wife and what he said she put him through, I never imagined him settling down again.

DBM: His divorce is official, no?

Luna: Yes

DBM: You’ve seen a signed divorce decree by a judge?

Luna: Yes Dave.

DBM: Good to know! I had to be sure. A lot of skewed men are loosely throwing out the ‘I’m divorcing my wife’ lines to single women just to get laid.

Luna: I know

DBM: Are you the reason he divorced his wife?

Luna: No. I met him after his divorce

DBM: Okay! You’re on a good start then.

Luna: Dave, is marriage for everyone?

DBM: Question should be, is marriage for you?

Luna: I want to be married, yes.

DBM: Do you see yourself being married to him?

Luna: I love him but I feel like he’s made me believe he’s not interested in marrying anyone again.

DBM: You need to understand that, no amount of love can make a man who isn’t that much into the idea of marriage to want to do something (marriage) he doesn’t want to. If he’s asked you to marry him, then it means he’s that much into you. Have you asked him why he wants to marry you?

Luna: No, do I have to?

DBM: But of course! You’re not the least curious as to why?

Luna: I am

DBM: How old is he?

Luna: 48

DBM: How old are you?

Luna: 37

DBM: You need to know his perceived analysis of your worth to him. You are certainly offering him something of value, and he’s calculated exactly what marrying you might or not cost him. You need to understand from his point of view – what he feels he’s gaining: i.e. Are you an asset or a liability. Is this going to be your first marriage?

Luna: Yes

DBM: You have children?

Luna: No, but he has three with his ex.

DBM: And, you’re okay with that?

Luna: I don’t mind

DBM: Okay! Something is holding you back, what is it?

Luna: He’s never said ‘I love you’ to me before

DBM: How long have you been together?

Luna: 3 years. Ever since we fell in love two years ago, I have been randomly telling him how much I love him. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn’t feel any true love for me. The one time I remember him saying it back to me was after an awesome afternoon sex. Even with that, I felt he talked himself into believing it because I said it to him first.

DBM: You want my honest opinion, no?

Luna: Yes

DBM: So, this is what I, David Bondze-Mbir believe and practice: I would rather have somebody who could never tell me they love me but every day, I felt it with their actions. That’s exactly who I got in my marriage. Fortunately for us, we do tell each other we love us every day. And, we’ve been doing that for years now. It’s an intentional thing to want to be a student of the other person’s feelings and interests.

Luna: Hmmm. And there’s the topic of monogamy. He doesn’t believe a man is to devote his body to one woman alone. He’s been trying to negotiate with me to consider the fact that, he would sexually attract other women. And might pursue them.

DBM: That is what he thinks is right for him. Question is, does it sit well with you?

Luna: No

DBM: Do you know his ex-wife?

Luna: I know about her. I have friends who know her personally.

DBM: And, what do they say about her?

Luna: She’s a great lady apparently. The only person I know who has spoken bad about her is my man.

DBM: This is what I would suggest: figure out a way to have a conversation with his ex.

Luna: To say what? Lol

DBM: You’re contemplating on marrying her ex. You need to know if you’re making the right decision. She was someone he once loved. However her ex-husband chose to describe her to you, that is his version of experience with her. It doesn’t make her a total idiot. It shouldn’t form your total perception about her. You need to know her version of how he sees and treats women who are important to him. Treat her choice of words and lived experience with him with respect, and you will earn more of it for yourself.

Luna: What if she also has nothing good to say about him?

DBM: It’s normal. None of us are enthused about being made to remember the times we made a mistake or were made to feel stupid by someone we loved. The best you can do is to acknowledge her feelings. Just listen with your heart. It will let you know. You will find the answer needed to say yes or no to his marriage proposal. It’s always good to be in the known, so you do not find yourself lowering your standards – just to accommodate the idea of being with the man you think you like. Most men think only with their mouths. They know all the right things to say to make a woman feel like she’d be lucky to be with him. Those are the typical bully material, not necessarily marriage material. Do not create in him one because you’re blinded by love.

Luna: Oh Dave, that’s a lot for me to process.

DBM: You will be fine. You know what is good for you at the end of the day.

Luna: Thank you, David. Thank you very much.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

In His Spell

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paula: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Paula: I am fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paula: Is it a good time to chat? I promise not to take too much of your time

DBM: It is, sup?

Paula: My husband is a junior pastor sort of to our main resident and presiding pastor. The resident pastor is also the founder of the church. Dave, my husband used to not like our presiding because he thought he was corrupt. Now that the pastor has included him in his circle of friends, he is all of a sudden, his favorite person in the world. He’s acting ignorant of the very actions he used to complain about to me and others close to us. It doesn’t sit right with me.

DBM: How did you meet your husband?

Paula: My husband has money. He used to give to our church occasionally. Word on the street was that, he was a womanizer. I didn’t know anything about him. Our church held an all-night service a couple of years ago and he was ushered in to sit right next to me. It didn’t take long for me to realize how hilarious and charming he was. He had an intense interest to want to sit next to me, because he wanted to chat with me, even during worship time. I later found out that our presiding arranged for him to be seated next to me. The presiding preached and it was time for prayers. He called on me and prophesied that; I was still single because my future husband had been held up by so many other single women who also wanted to claim him. And that, I shouldn’t rush into anything serious yet with any other man.

DBM: You must be kidding me!

Paula: David, I laughed when he made that prophesy. Long story short, my husband called my phone and I later found out he was the one seated next to me at the all-night service. He conveyed his struggle in finding the right woman to settle down with. That is how our relationship begun. I am a career woman doing very well for myself. I didn’t need any man’s support then and even now, but my husband insisted on helping with my deepest wishes. If I ignored his offers, he would use other means to uncover something about me and make it come true for me. I don’t know how it happened, but I found myself wrapped in his spell and I was head over heels in love with him.

DBM: Is he a good man?

Paula: To our children, yes. He can be if he chooses to be

DBM: Is he good to you?

Paula: Sometimes.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Paula: No

DBM: Why not?

Paula: Dave, the trust I give is like the love I give. The doors of my heart and the other doors to my life cannot be opened by just anything. Trust opens most of these doors. So, if you break the trust I had in you, I shut the door completely to you.

DBM: You do not trust your husband.

Paula: I don’t.

DBM: Why was he not so trusting of your pastor?

Paula: Because he told me the pastor was taking advantage of some of the vulnerable, pretty young women at the church. He also said he was misappropriating church funds for his personal gain. These were a few of the bad things going on at the church that he was aware of. So, imagine the ones I don’t even know, that is going on.

DBM: People’s actions speak volumes. Sometimes, all you have to do is just listen.

Paula: Yes.

DBM: May your heart have an understanding of GOD; may it also have a fear of GOD’s justice and an awareness of what is in your very own best interest.

Image Credit: Avonne Stalling

Pimp My Warf

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jr.: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yo, sup?

Jr.: Don’t go the judgmental route with what I am about to say

DBM: Do I judge?

Jr.: You do sometimes

DBM: Really?

Jr.: That’s how I see it though

DBM: I see!

Jr.: I am a smart, affable and talented young man. I have a job but I can’t even remember the last time I earned good money. I don’t make enough to take good care of my wife and son. And frankly, Dave, it’s affecting how I see myself lately. The person I see through the lens of my life is losing and feeling defeated day in and out. So many setbacks pushing me to fall behind. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel strong. My wife is smart, very beautiful and have so much to offer. She works in the companies of one of Ghana’s wealthiest men. She’s very close friends with him. In fact, he’s called her phone a couple times at home and I’ve heard him crack jokes with her. My wife has a habit of always answering every phone call on speaker, so I always hear every conversation she has with everyone. Her boss likes her but I don’t think she realizes it. The few times I’ve heard him on call with her; he tries to flirt but my wife doesn’t catch the bait. She thinks every friend is just a friend and nothing more. I need money to fund a project and the kind of money I need, only her boss has. I owe a few bank loans so I cannot go to the banks for another loan for my project. Do you see where I am going with this?

DBM: Do you want this conversation shared on my platform?

Jr.: Yes. I want to know if what I am considering is a terrible idea.

DBM: You know the women will insult you, right?

Jr.: I am not asking my wife to have a full relationship with him. I just want to suggest to her to flirt back, and if he wants to hit, maybe give him a taste of her fruit, in exchange for money.

DBM: This is how I choose to see it; your wife is in a perfect place to help you with your job search. I’m assuming you’re applying for better job opportunities, no?

Jr.: I need a good paying job for sure but I haven’t applied to anything yet.

DBM: How much money is worth pimping your wife to her rich boss?

Jr.: That is not what I am trying to do. I just need someone to invest in my big idea.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing your ‘big’ idea with me?

Jr.: No. But I know exactly what I want. I just don’t know how to get the financial backing to fund it.

DBM: There are other decent ways to come into the money you think you need to have.

Jr.: I’ve exhausted all options

DBM: Inciting the mother of your son to sleep with her boss to get the money you need to invest in your dream project, isn’t the action holding you back from your breakthrough. Wifey’s beauty aside, what else are you willing to sacrifice to get what you desire?

Jr.: Dave, my wife can help me get what I desire.

DBM: How do you know if your wife’s boss would even be fully aligned with your mission? How do you know if he’s going to wholeheartedly, buy into the project you’re intending to build?

Jr.: My wife can easily convince him if she comes on board with my plan.

DBM: Can’t you engage with him yourself and convince him to invest in your idea?

Jr.: He will not be blown away if it comes from me.

DBM: What makes you say that?

Jr.: Because I am a man.

DBM: You are certain this man can help ideate and create alongside you?

Jr.: Yes, if my wife is involved one way or the other.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio 

Dead Wrong

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Boahemaa: My husband had a cardiac arrest while forcing himself on me at dawn. He died immediately after he had ejaculated. I found out he was having an affair and had impregnated one of the ladies he was involved with. He flatly denied having anything to do with other women though I had all the proof to prove my point to him. Dave, because I felt he had proven to be untrustworthy, and a liar, I decided not to have unprotected sex with him ever again. I insisted he used condoms if he wanted to be intimate with me. He got angry and refused to touch me for months. I wasn’t bothered because my health is very important to me. As my mother always told us, if you continue sleeping with the dogs, you will get fleas.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Momma is so right! And the fact that he argues with you about the things he does is the other reason why you need to prioritize your health.

Boahemaa: I cursed him under my breath when he forcefully penetrated me the dawn he died. I wished death on him when he refused to stop after I had begged him to pull out. He had no condoms on and that was very upsetting for me. I didn’t mean what I said but I was hurt and felt violated. I feel so guilty.

DBM: Did you kill him?

Boahemaa: No

DBM: Stop blaming yourself then. People die during or after sex. He isn’t the first.

Boahemaa: I don’t know why I am feeling so sad.

DBM: You’re sad because you were married to him. How long have you been together?

Boahemaa: 9 years.

DBM: You’re entitled to your thoughts, feeling, boundaries and values. And, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting them to be understood and, or respected. He forced himself on you; that’s marital rape. Refusing to wear a rubber was also disrespectful. He was the one in the wrong, not you.

Boahemaa: I’ve not been able to tell his family the full story. I feel like they’re going to judge me.

DBM: What do they think is the cause of his death?

Boahemaa: The doctor told them the layers in the walls of the large artery from his heart bulged and burst.

DBM: I’m sorry about your loss. You have kids?

Boahemaa: Yes.

DBM: How old was he?

Boahemaa: 49

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Gimme Some Lovin’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Edwin: I had not spoken to my father in over nine years and I didn’t know he had been hospitalized. The woman who is now my wife was the nurse helping him to feel calm and fulfilled in his last days of living at the hospital. I returned home late from work one day and there she was by my gate, waiting to deliver a message. My father had requested she facilitated his death in a comfortable and dignified manner as possible. I was his only child, and so he had asked her to find and inform me about his decision.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You and dad, was it a relationship that had drifted apart or it was something else?

Edwin: It was an unhealthy father-son relationship that I knew I didn’t want.

DBM: Understood!

Edwin: Is your father alive?

DBM: Yes

Edwin: What’s your relationship like with him?

DBM: I don’t know! There’s no real relationship and it hasn’t been for years.

Edwin: Does it bother you?

DBM: Nope!

Edwin: What’s the background story?

DBM: Wait! Is this my interview or yours? Lol!

Edwin: It’s our interview, Dave. It should not be a one-sided chat.

DBM: I think he missed out on an opportunity to really get to know me as a person. And because of that, I moved on in life without needing his presence, support or opinions. Anytime I look back and think about the things he used to say to take my spirit, or how he used to treat me, I remember how each one of his actions made me feel. I refuse to ever be made to feel that worthless and broken again. Nobody will subject me to such a state, ever again.

Edwin: I will go back to my story.

DBM: Great!

Edwin: The nurse convinced me to find a way to go and see him, and bond with him in his last days, even if it did not involve me talking to him. It was very late, so I suggested she slept over and left in the morning. She declined the offer and left. I rushed to the hospital the next morning and my father had been pronounced dead. I was allowed to briefly view his body before he was moved.

DBM: Let me backtrack a bit: How did she locate your residence?

Edwin: My father directed her to my best friend’s office, so he could bring her to my house. My father didn’t know where I was staying.

DBM: Well, I’m so sorry about the whole experience. Sometimes, there are no words to describe these feelings and happenings.

Edwin: I honestly couldn’t explain how his passing made me feel. I was transformed by a certain type of grief that made me feel empty and stranded. Dave, I felt paralyzed by not knowing how to feel about his death. I saw the nurse who had come to my house, on duty from a distance, and I could see she very much wanted to provide some solace for me. I could see it in her eyes but she did nothing. She said nothing. I settled every bill I needed to settle at the hospital and left, walking pointlessly in the streets. I later returned to the office as if nothing had happened, closed at the usual time, and then went home. I got home very late and there she was again, waiting.

DBM: The nurse?

Edwin: Yes, my wife. She came up to me with great concern and hugged me so tight for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t stop tearing up. That was when I knew she was something special. Her big heart caught my attention that evening and I held on to her. She kept reaching out even on days I just wanted to be alone. She was by my side when I had to travel to see my father’s family to inform them of his passing. She became a shoulder for me to cry on, and I enjoyed listening to all the stories she told me about my father’s two weeks admission to the hospital. We became friends after I had buried my father.

DBM: She seems like a good woman.

Edwin: My wife is the best.

DBM: Was she single?

Edwin: Not initially. Because I made an attempt to kiss her one time and she pushed me away. She told me she was in a relationship and asked if I would be okay if she checked on me again once some time had passed. I didn’t hear from her for about ten months. Then, I fell sick and had to go to the hospital. I asked one of the nurses attending to me about her. I was directed to where she was and I could still feel the excitement her presence used to bring me. She smiled when I smiled and then informed me about her relationship status. She was single and ready to mingle. You should have seen me that afternoon. I was on a cloud of my own because that sense of wonder about her remained throughout the time she had pushed me away. She wouldn’t admit it then but we had a strong, unique bond that only the two of us could understand. Our friendship matured into something beautiful, and somehow, everything clicked. We decided to get married.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Edwin: 18 years.

DBM: That’s nice. 18 good years or 18 some-what good years?

Edwin: It’s been good so far. I would have been a complete mess without her in my life.

DBM: What do you feel is making your marriage work for this long?

Edwin: We talk to each other a lot. And because there is constant communication, we’ve gotten to know each other more. My marriage is doing well because I am interested in whatever my wife wants to discuss with me. I’m never too busy to hear her out. She gets my attention when she wants my attention. A lot of guys would have the time to give their attention to all manner of people and things but their wives. I am the complete opposite. My wife is my priority, she comes first.

DBM: How do you deal with conflict?

Edwin: We have a kissing culture at home. First thing we do when we wake up in the morning, we kiss. We kiss before going to sleep. Conflicts automatically settles because nothing is supposed to break the culture. We still have to kiss even if we’re mad at each other. And Dave, there are kisses, and there are kisses. Some kisses are meant to end wars.

DBM: Hehehe! I love kissing, so I think I get the memo. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Edwin: One of my key strengths I’d say is, my intention to always present myself attractive to my wife. I let her see my heart for God. And because she’s a witness to that, she gets to experience God’s kindness, patience, mercy, forgiveness, gentleness, faithfulness, truth, wisdom, beauty, humility, support, care and love in me. When a woman experiences all these traits in her man, the attraction she has for him grows.

DBM: Did you have a ‘type’ and was your wife your ‘type’?

Edwin: I used to have a type I typically went for. My wife wasn’t in that category. However, getting to know her made me realize how beautiful and physically attractive she was in my eyes. My wife is now definitely my type. I am glad I gave someone I usually wouldn’t go for a chance to speak to my conscience, attitude and heart. Beauty is skin deep. I fell in love with my wife’s character.

DBM: That is what I always tell my very close friends; my partner’s character is the person I know I can spend the rest of my life with. I married character too. Physical appearance has always been superficial and less important to me.

Image Credit: Anna-Nekrashevich

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems