Six-Year Hiatus

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Crai: Hello David. I was once in a relationship with this man I’m about to talk about. We were very much in love but he broke my heart. And because of the why behind his reasons for doing what he did to me, a big part of me unconsciously blocked anything that reminded me of him in my heart and mind. He ended our 3-year relationship because he felt he didn’t make enough money to enable him take care of us. Mind you, I had never asked him to spend on me. I was working and probably even making more money than he was but he left me for a rich widow who was 12 years older than him. He was not in love with the lady. He told me so himself. He ended things with me because the widow wanted to date him and needed him to be completely single. He asked me not to date anyone and give him 6 years to achieve his dreams through the widow’s support and then he will end things with her and come back for me. His six years with her ended in July 2025, and true to his word, he’s back asking for my hand in marriage. She funded his masters and PhD in Europe, used her connections to link him to land his current job and now he even has a 3-bedroom house of his own. His contract with the widow was for 6 years.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are you?

Crai: 42

DBM: How old is he?

Crai: 44

DBM: Did you wait during his six-year hiatus or you also dated other people?

Crai: I was the lady in waiting

DBM: Why?

Crai: He’s the only man I’ve ever truly loved

DBM: Were you in communication with him after he broke things off?

Crai: He reached out to me twice every month to assure me he was going to keep his word.

DBM: Just that?

Crai: Yes. It did not go beyond that. He gave that assurance twice every month and would ask me to wait for six more years, five more years, four more years, three more years, two more years, one more year etc.

DBM: You believe he loved you?

Crai: I believe he is in love with me.

DBM: Were finances the only reason for his decision?

Crai: Yes. He used to always complain to me about feeling less of a man because he couldn’t bring in as much to support our relationship. I wasn’t even complaining, Dave.

DBM: Why him?

Crai: He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met. What he did to our relationship was dishonorable but he’s an honorable man. I remember the night he ended our relationship; he held my two hands in his and he started to pray and bless me. I cannot describe that evening with the right words. I broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. I cried so hard he started to also cry. He couldn’t stop himself from crying. It was a powerful moment. That was when I knew he was really in love with me and felt bad about his decision.

DBM: He felt bad about his decision but went ahead with it anyway

Crai: Yes. I’m not going to pretend I understand why he did what he did to me but after that night of our break-up, prayer and tears, I developed a new found respect and admiration for him. He’s a powerful man.

DBM: What I want to know is, he did not cheat on the widow with you during the six years break?

Crai: He did not. He also told me he did not cheat on her with anyone else. He entered into a contract and fulfilled his part of the deal.

DBM: What’s your current opinion of him?

Crai: I don’t know if I can trust him again.

DBM: What he did to you, in my opinion, is a subtle warning flag. It may seem small a red flag to him, but it’s still something that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

Crai: Yes. And my guards are all up

DBM: Well, there are people worth letting your guard down for. Question is, is he one of those?

Crai: I still love him very much but I am so scared. He’s asking me to marry him, Dave. He doesn’t want to date all over again or hang around. He’s asking to go see my parents.

DBM: I married someone who could be with me despite the troubles and my lack thereof. My partner is someone who could see that I would eventually get there, and was willing to tag along for the ride. Next year, we will be eight years on this ride.

Crai: You think I should risk it?

DBM: You already risked your heart in waiting for six years. You’ve offered him the power to hurt you, betray and reject you. What else is there to him to fear?

Crai: Hmmm.

DBM: Be upfront with what you need from him and be honest with yourself about exactly what you need. There’s no point in holding back if you’re genuinely, that much into him.

Crai: I know I will be happy and in love with him. I will be my most passionate with him.

DBM: Let’s go for it then. There is true joy in true love.

Crai: Let’s go for it. David, thank you very much.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

Deliberate Intent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Karl: Dave, quick chat. My wife complains about every little I do. I’m of the opinion that she’s getting tired of me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain ‘every little thing’ you do.

Karl: For example, I come home sometimes very late.

DBM: From work?

Karl: Yeah, sometimes

DBM: How about the other times you come home very late?

Karl: I stay out late so the time I get home, the kids would be asleep.

DBM: You don’t enjoy the company of your children?

Karl: They can be a lot, Dave.

DBM: So, your wife is the only one left to deal with the ‘lot’?

Karl: She’s good at it.

DBM: Has she a 9-to-5 job of her own?

Karl: Yes.

DBM: How old are your children?

Karl: The oldest is 11. Youngest is 6

DBM: Do you feel guilt at all missing the bedtime of your children?

Karl: Sometimes

DBM: Which of you gets your kids up and fed and ready for school?

Karl: The wife

DBM: Who does the housecleaning, laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping and helps the kids with their homework?

Karl: My wife. She’s always loved doing that.

DBM: What do you love to do at home?

Karl: I pay the bills and fees

DBM: Does your wife contribute financially towards the bills, fees and household management?

Karl: Yes, sometimes

DBM: Sometimes, meaning?

Karl: Not regularly.

DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how frequent are her monthly contributions?

Karl: I’d say 7 or 8.

DBM: That is a regular financial contribution towards the household.

Karl: Yes

DBM: What do you do during the weekends?

Karl: I rest. I sleep in during the weekends because my weekdays are hectic.

DBM: What’s your wife’s profession?

Karl: Accountant

DBM: She does all that, and what do you do? Come home late from work or wherever else you choose to spend your time in the evenings and lay down in bed and sleep. And repeat the same routine the following day? Your partner really would be at loss at what to do.

Karl: That’s not how it’s like.

DBM: How is it like then?

Karl: She’s making an issue out of everything I do because she doesn’t trust me.

DBM: Why doesn’t she trust you?

Karl: I made a few mistakes in the past and she’s still holding it against me.

DBM: What kind of mistakes? Argh! Do I even need to ask! You had an affair, no?

Karl: Yes

DBM: It was a one-time thing?

Karl: No

DBM: And you call that a mistake?

Karl: We all make mistakes, Dave

DBM: There is a difference between making a mistake and choosing to make bad decisions. Because everything you have done thus far has been willful acts.

Karl: Here comes the other judge

DBM: I’m not being judgmental boss. I am just telling you everything you have told me thus far in other words. What are you desiring in your marriage that your wife isn’t forthcoming with?

Karl: I desire more space in the marriage. Something needs to change.

DBM: What needs to change?

Karl: I don’t want to be the one to tear our family in half, all for my own comfort. Dave, I’m not happy. I’m not cut for this whole husband and father role.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Karl: I’ve been asking myself the same question. She got pregnant with our first child and she wasn’t prepared to have a child out of wedlock.

DBM: Do you love her?

Karl: I like her. She’s a good girl. Hardworking. Beautiful. Sensible. She used to be fun to be with. I don’t recognize her anymore.

DBM: What work do you do?

Karl: I’m an engineer

DBM: Imagine this scenario: Your workload at work suddenly got increased, while your job title and compensation remained the same. How would that make you feel?

Karl: Frustrated

DBM: Would you still feel that frustration knowing you’re doing more without being recognized or consequently, rewarded?

Karl: Yes

DBM: Marriage is not like your engineering field where every new task seems to fall within your skillset or better still, aligned with your career goals. Marriage is a stretch beyond what we think we’re prepared for. It’s a significant stretch beyond what you initially vowed on your marriage day to do. Let’s go back to the increased workload scenario. What would you do, quit?

Karl: No

DBM: What would you do?

Karl: What would you also do?

DBM: I have always found delight in taking on extra responsibilities at work and seeing it as an opportunity to showcase my capabilities. It’s also a way for me to position myself for a promotion. Marriage is no joke. We push through it all. That is what your wife has been doing all these years since you two got married. Her role is no longer the girlfriend you used to have fun with. Her role expanded after marriage. She became your wife and a mother to your children. She’s been handling these extra tasks successfully. What have you been doing?

Karl: I help the best way I can

DBM: Is your best good enough?

Karl: I don’t know

DBM: You need to live long enough to appreciate how your wife has been ordering her steps to put your family together as a unit. Deflecting and starting to question whether your marriage is still the right place for your long-term peace of mind and happiness isn’t the solution to the very problems you have been creating within it. Check your intent sir, because you’re deliberately choosing to disrespect your wife and marriage.

Karl: Thanks.

DBM: Do not become the type of guys who only sound smart and wise on social media and pretend they know what it takes to be a responsible husband but do not live any of it.

Karl: Thanks. Got to go.

Image Credit: Jay Soundo

Easy Pet Name

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Harriet: Hello David. My mother-in-law wants me to be calling my husband by a title I’m uncomfortable with. I have my own simple pet name I call him by and he’s always been responsive to it. My MiL thinks I’m not being respectful to her son.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What name is she suggesting?

Harriet: I can’t say because my husband occasionally reads from your page.

DBM: Is your husband in agreement with his mother’s suggestion?

Harriet: No.

DBM: How do you usually call him?

Harriet: Babe, baby or simply by his first name. It’s an easy flow on my tongue. We’re very close and comfortable with each other.

DBM: My mother, for as long as I have known her calls my father ‘Mewura’. I think it means ‘My Lord’. It has been part of her language and ways of communicating with him. It used to be a sign of her affection towards him. I don’t know what it means to her now but she still calls him by that.

Harriet: Yeah, I’m not cut for those heavy ones. Lol.

DBM: So, do you. Use the pet name you feel intensifies your attachment to your guy. These unique names are like the divide between being fucked and being made love to. There is a difference and a level of attachment to each. Your mother in-law isn’t the one married to him.

Harriet: She’s moved in with us for a couple of months.

DBM: Why?

Harriet: I can’t give details but she’s going to be here till February, 2026.

DBM: What is your relationship like with her?

Harriet: We’re cool. She likes me. I like her. She loves our children.

DBM: She’s not all over your case, is she?

Harriet: She’s not but lately, has been drawing my attention to how I address my husband.

DBM: I don’t know what else to say. I came up with my own pet name for my partner before we even got married, and it has been the same name I use today. There’s something sexy and intimate about it – it’s a name we both approve, respond to and own. I see it as our special language between us that makes us feel like it’s just us, and then everyone else.

Harriet: What do you suggest?

DBM: Tell your mother in-law to stay in her lane. Or, there is the option of you calling your husband by her suggestion when she’s around and then doing you when you’re alone with him.

Harriet: She’s always around the house now, listening to everything.

Image Credit: Bobography

Guess I’ll Hang My Tears Out To Dry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Gyan: I never knew who my father was. I never met him. I wish I knew what he looked like. My mother had no proof of his existence, not even pictures. The name representing my father on my birth certificate is my mother’s closest friend. My mom died of cancer last year. She was a nurse.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): I’m sorry to hear that. How old was mum?

Gyan: In her 50’s. She had me when she was 17

DBM: Oh! That young?

Gyan: She was raped by my father.

DBM: I see

Gyan: Before my mom passed she told me the full story behind my birth. It was my first time hearing the story. I resent my mother for keeping this information from me. Also, the fact that I am a by-product of rape hurts me.

DBM: You are a by-product of GOD’s ultimate design. Your DNA, all else there is to you: strengths, weaknesses, capabilities etc. all play a huge part in His plan for you. You are not who you are today by accident. You have always been in GOD’s care, even before your conception.

Gyan: I don’t believe in these motivational quotes anymore, sorry.

DBM: That’s also understandable. What was the story your mother told you?

Gyan: When she was 16, she had to study for an exam. One of the science teachers at her school was National Service personnel. He lived in the same compound house she and her mother lived. He had been posted there for a year. Mom said she wasn’t feeling well one afternoon and had to skip school. She had finished eating, gone to take a cold bath and fallen asleep in her room. She woke up a few hours later to him having sex with her. She said she begged him to stop but he had her hands pinned above her head. She couldn’t tell anyone because she felt no one would believe her. Also, the guy was calm, and liked by many in the compound and neighborhood. Very charismatic. My mother says the incident happened just once and was pregnant after a month. She didn’t know she was pregnant.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate.

Gyan: But Dave, would you classify this as rape? Because my mother also said they were very close friends, aside him being her teacher.

DBM: How close?

Gyan: Flirtatiously close. She said they had kissed before and even attempted to have sex but didn’t.

DBM: Per the account you just gave, he raped her. She did not consent to sex when she woke up and found him on top of her, did she?

Gyan: No.

DBM: Why don’t you see it as rape?

Gyan: Because I do it sometimes to my wife when she’s intentionally denying me sex. She knows I love sex and would punish me occasionally by denying me when we have a misunderstanding. I get up at dawn and have my way with her by force. She gets cold mad and insults me but we end up having consensual sex after a few days, and things would be back to normal.

DBM: Does your wife ask you to stop when you’re forcing yourself on her?

Gyan: Yes, she tries to push me away but she knows I get a bit carried away when she treats me like that.

DBM: You’re repeating your father’s exact insolence. You value your power over your wife more than her comfort and autonomy. Your father did not respect your mother for doing what he did to her. You do not respect your wife enough as a person.

Gyan: I love my wife

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Gyan: I do.

DBM: I see. What you sometimes do to your wife is slowly shattering her confidence. Is she a happy woman?

Gyan: I do the best I can to make her happy.

DBM: You need to ask her if she’s happily married to you. A lot of women are living a quiet life of suffering, enduring so much in their marriages till they can’t wait to break free. And they always break free at last.

Gyan: Ok.

DBM: What inspired your mother to become a nurse?

Gyan: Well, her primary goal wasn’t to provide care for patients in their most vulnerable state. A sense of drive was to someday be working in the same hospital my father would seek treatment for an illness, so she could attend to him and pay him back, which she finally did.

DBM: What do you mean by that?

Gyan: My mother kept transferring to different hospitals or clinics, and I had to do a lot of moving around with her. At first, I didn’t understand why she couldn’t sit still but before she died, she told me we were moving around to different locations because she had been tracking my father for more than 30 years. Everywhere we moved to meant my father lived in that city or region. He fell sick and was unfortunately admitted to the hospital my mom was placed. She found out he was on admission and sneaked her way in his ward to give him the wrong injection. He mysteriously was pronounced dead one dawn.

DBM: Your mother went too far. This is not right!

Gyan: That is the baggage of information she had to confess to before passing on.

DBM: I can only imagine the weight of it on you.

Gyan: Do you still believe God created me into all this mess for a reason?

DBM: GOD knew about you then. GOD certainly still knows about you now. And you know the best part?

Gyan: What?

DBM: GOD will know all there is to you in the future. I only hope you wouldn’t allow your emotions to be constantly dictating your actions. Real men do not excuse their bad behavior because their emotions got a little triggered. If you continue to justify how you choose to sometimes treat your wife unfairly, she will lose trust in you. And when a woman decides not to trust you again, she will seek her own liberation from your control. She would want to regain her life, her dignity, and her power, so she can pursue what is really deserving of her.

Gyan: This was a good chat. Let’s do it again another time.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

‘Babe, can you focus on the road?’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hi David. I don’t feel like chatting right now. I just want to brief you on something that happened recently. There used to be a guy working in my husband’s office. He became more like a family friend to us. He died in June, 2025 and we attended his funeral a few weeks ago. I love to drive and go fast but I couldn’t bring myself to drive to his funeral. My husband planned to leave early because his name was on the program to read a tribute on behalf of their team at work. Long story made short, he came home to pick me up. In the backseat was his personal assistant. Another amiable, smart young lady who had also become a family friend to us. She’s the one he uses often to surprise me with gifts and dinner dates on our wedding anniversaries or my birthday. I’ve used her services many times to plan birthday surprise parties for my husband at work and home.

On our way to Kumasi, we were discussing every subject on the table, politics, life, death, etc. My husband is the type that even if he’s exhausted behind the steering wheel, he would force himself not to fall asleep. He started to sleep and wasn’t focused on the road. He made a swift miss to change a lane and his personal assistant at the back shouted, ‘BABE, can you focus on the road?’ Dave, the first name I screamed when that happened was ‘Jesus’, hers was ‘babe’. Suddenly, my husband who was supposed to be heavy-eyed was wide awake and nonchalantly, staring at his assistant through the rearview mirror. In the 11 years that I have known my husband, I have never seen him on silent mode. We all sat in awkward silence till we got to Kumasi and back.

I have still not brought the subject up for discussion at home. It’s been five weeks now.

Image Credit: Shukhrat Umarov

The Enemy Within

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Bortele: My husband is telling people I am philandering and making out with any man that shows me attention. We’ve been separated and in the process of divorce. I don’t understand why he’s making me look dirty in the eyes of some of our friends.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Are you sleeping around?

Bortele: No, Dave. I haven’t slept with any other man after we got married. I haven’t slept with any of the male admirers expressing interest in me yet. I want to get to know them first. And I’ve been chatting with a few so far. I will change the dynamics to sex the day my divorce is confirmed.

DBM: When did you start granting these men an audience?

Bortele: A few days after my husband and I agreed our marriage was over and went our separate ways.

DBM: You mind me asking why you two are ending the marriage?

Bortele: I don’t mind. He crossed a boundary with me. I caught him in an affair and he became abusive towards me.

DBM: What kind of abuse?

Bortele: Emotional and verbal abuse. He abused me psychologically too. It had to end because he was making me doubt myself as a mother and human being worth someone’s love.

DBM: Why is he concerned about what you choose to do with your life now that you’re no more an item?

Bortele: That is the controlling aspect of his abuse. He’s really trying my patience

DBM: Or he’s just bored and trying to add some level of excitement to his life?

Bortele: By besmirching my reputation?

DBM: You have proof he’s behind this?

Bortele: The wives of the people he’s lying to are the ones calling to inform me. Their husbands are discussing his accusations with them.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Bortele: No. I want to deal with him through the court system.

DBM: Do you have it in you to rise above his actions?

Bortele: I’ve been trying to, but lately it seems to be eating at me.

DBM: It’s the misplaced superiority syndrome feeling. Men who do that ride on the notion that they’re better than you. I know and have experienced quite a few of such. They lie and exaggerate the most – and would find delight in seeing you break. That is the kind of negativity they add to the world around them. That’s their unconscious legacy they’re most proud of. Do you care about what he thinks of you?

Bortele: No.

DBM: Good!

Bortele: You think I should ignore him?

DBM: Engaging with him only fuels his zeal to tell more lies and talk shit about you. It doesn’t make him stop anyways. People will do whatever they want to do. Your attention is your life. Question is, who do you choose to give an ounce of it to?

Bortele: I agree with you

DBM: There is a reason why you’re divorcing him. He is not a decent man. He pretends to be to his friends but the him inside of him is the man you’re done with.

Bortele: I am so done with him, Dave.

DBM: Good for you. You’re deserving of a structured man who will make you feel safe without you having to explain why.

Bortele: Do I need to tell my side of the story to the people he’s spreading rumors about me to?

DBM: If that’s what is going to make you feel heard and understood. I, on the other hand do things differently; I do not have time to waste on such foolishness. I’d rather people make their own minds about me. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. Do you feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone?

Bortele: I don’t know. He’s making certain people avoid me

DBM: Truth is, some of the people around you are patiently waiting for you to make a huge mistake, so they can rain their prepared judgements on you. Give them a show while in waiting. Give them a front roll seat to what excites you. Winning their love and approval isn’t worth the while. Your peace of mind is worth the price. Nothing anyone says about you should ever affect the joy in you.

Bortele: I wish you could see me smiling

DBM: Smiling looks good on you. You’re alive each day for a reason. And, as a Christian, I believe GOD has reserved a table before an audience that has all of their biased attention on you. Give them a show that is yours and no one else’s.

Bortele: By the way, my husband dislikes you and your Facebook presence.

DBM: Even better; GOD is using the very one he so much dislikes to inspire the one he loves.

Bortele: He’s probably frowning by now reading this. Not just frowning, fuming and also insulting you in his head.

DBM: GOD has a sense of humor. No one should ever make you feel limited in any way, what-so-ever and in all situations. Do you understand?

Bortele: Yes, David. I understand perfectly. Thank you so much. I feel relieved.

DBM: Have fun.

Bortele: I am going to.

Image Credit: Mike Jones 

Heart Of My Heart

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tobe: Good evening

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Tobe: I’m fine boss. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Tobe: My story is not so great but it’s something.

DBM: Something’ is good enough.

Tobe: Okay. I was in my late 30s, and a bit fed up with my first marriage. Our marriage was a mess and 95% of it was my fault. I am in my second marriage. She is the same woman I was cheating on my ex-wife with. My ex-wife has also moved on and has been married for 8 years. I admit that whatever broke my first marriage was because I let my guard down for more than just a moment. I did not make any serious effort to address what went amiss. Instead of changing my ways to assure my ex-wife that she could trust me again, I had opened the door to rather rebuild something better with my current wife. A decision I partially regret because my ex was one person who loved me through my poorer. I feel bad for disappointing her in my richer. She should have been the one enjoying the fruits of her sweat. I destroyed her self-esteem, which I regret.

DBM: You had kids?

Tobe: Yes. We have a daughter together.

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Though I love and admire my now wife, I feel like I made a big mistake letting a good woman go. It was not a good choice. I was also not ready for marriage. I made her sound crazy by denying all of her suspicions of me and my now wife. It was so bad she did not know who I was or meant to her anymore. I got up with other emotions and was deceived by my flesh’s lust for different things.

DBM: Did you own up to it?

Tobe: I tried.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Tobe: I have, in court. I don’t have access to her on phone so I had to use our divorce proceedings in court to ask for her forgiveness in person.

DBM: You did the right thing.

Tobe: I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I had a good wife, David Bondze-Mbir. All I do sometimes is to reminisce on the good times we once shared, the beautiful experiences she gave me; all the things we could have done, the dreams and future I promised her, but never did.

DBM: It’s good you know what you did to her and hopefully, the lessons learnt thus far. Now you have a new wife and marriage to apply it.

Tobe: That is right

DBM: You will be fine

Tobe: I will be fine

DBM: Indeed! Sometimes, GOD uses these experiences and mistakes we consciously or unconsciously make, to drive home the point we fail to realize when the people we were supposed to have loved right are no longer around.

Tobe: It really sucks. She is my one true love

DBM: I know! How is your relationship with your daughter?

Tobe: We’re close. She’s my everything.

DBM: Does she understand why you and her mother are no longer together?

Tobe: Yes

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Tobe: Can you say something to encourage me?

DBM: What do you want me to say to you?

Tobe: Anything from your experience in marriage

DBM: You have to keep going because you have a new family now. Your partner deserves a good relationship with you. Put your energies into being a good man, a great husband and an awesome father. The most you can do is to be the very best of you. Whatever you now wish you could have been to your ex, become to your partner in your marriage. Love your wife. Do not fix her. Do not control her sense of self and being. Do not manipulate your way through her vulnerability and respect for you. Accept her and love her. Who knows, this could be the best one you’ve ever had.

Tobe: Thank you for your time.

Image Credit: Dapo Abideen

Wildwood Flower

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Sharod: David, I have to commend you. Your Facebook is lit. Honest to God; I used to not believe anything on your platform. Some of the stories were too good to be true until my own brother from the same mother and father shared his marital issues with you and made us read some of the comments under his story.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Well, I don’t really care whether or not you believe it. I am more interested in the lessons to be learnt from each story.

Sharod: Take a chill pill Bruh, it’s a compliment.

DBM: I know. Thanks!

Sharod: I have a positive story to share. 21 years ago, I rented a house that my now wife, had just moved out of. It was a very simple house. It had 2 decent sized bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a living room, a dining area, and a kitchen that was connected to the dining. It was very spacious and neat. The layout was spot-on. It did not feel cramped like where I had moved from. The bones of the house were solid; it had strong floors, walls and roof. It was relaxing and comfortable, as I was making myself at home three weeks after moving in. Then one evening, I heard an unexpected knock on my door. It was raining heavily that night. I opened the door and there stood this guy with a look of confusion written all over his face. He was looking for the former tenant. I told him I had moved in not long ago. Two days later, another man came knocking on the door. Four days later, a different guy came knocking looking for the same lady. I called the landlord to inform her. That was when she shared the hot gossip. The former tenant had wild orgies at the house and those guys were probably some of her participants or customers. In fact, that was the first best thing I had heard since moving to the area.

DBM: Lol! You’re funny!

Sharod: True. I was a hardworking, single young man in my early 30’s who needed a break to relax, have fun and let my hair down to enjoy some of the pleasures of life. Being part of an orgy had been a secret dream of mine.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Sharod: That’s the story I’m telling. I went out partying one weekend and I bumped into a lady. We were talking and getting to know each other. She asked where I stayed and I told her my new address. She laughed and asked me to give her a second. She ran back to the party and returned holding hands with my wife. She introduced us and then told me she used to live in my house. Come and see me smiling. I had finally found the legend. Her friend, before leaving us alone to chat, whispered to me, ‘You’re the type she usually goes for’.

DBM: Was she your type?

Sharod: I don’t usually have a type. I prefer giving people a shot, and before I know it, I’m having all the fun and I’m hooked. That’s how I know who complements me. If you don’t try giving people a chance with you, you may never know what works for you.

DBM: I concur!

Sharod: I told her about her male visitors at my door and we both laughed at the joke. I didn’t know what to expect but I was interested in knowing more about her life. That is one of the awesome things about getting to know all manner of people. You learn something new. Her days of partying, drinking and doing orgies were over. Damn. Not when it was supposed to be my turn. Lol

DBM: You’re silly! Lol! Why was she into that lifestyle, did you know?

Sharod: I asked her that question. She used to date a guy who was addicted to porn and always joked about how tempting it would be for them to have sex with another couple. She said her ex used to fantasize about sex with multiple partners. It wasn’t something she was interested in but because she loved the guy, she gave it a try. Her first experience turned out to be different from the way she had pictured it in her head.

DBM: Good different or bad?

Sharod: She didn’t like it but she kept doing it with him for a while to please him. She stopped when their relationship finally ended.

DBM: That was when she moved out of the house?

Sharod: I think.

DBM: Okay!

Sharod: We became friends and through our friendship, realized how much we liked each other. Nothing was more stimulating than when I realized her care for me could make me still surprise myself. I didn’t know I could love a woman so deeply. She reaffirmed the right kind of love and fondness that left a good taste in my mouth and later, heart. I wanted our relationship to work so I became too loyal. When I realized I was falling in love with her, I knew I didn’t have to have everything I thought I had to have in order to be happy in life. Appreciating one good woman and making sure she’s everything important to you is all it takes to be happy with your wife.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Sharod: Happily married for almost 20 years.

DBM: What do you like the most about the way your life is right now?

Sharod: I’m at peace with myself. I have peace in my heart.

DBM: What was your first impression of your wife, and what do you think about her now?

Sharod: She was different. That was my first impression of her. We could laugh together over stories from her past. We could listen to the reasons why we did what we did. My thoughts about her now are almost the same as my first impressions. I made the best decision for myself. She belongs in my heart. When she agreed the first day her friend introduced her to me at the party, to go back home with me to where she started life as an independent woman, and upon arrival, didn’t have to relive her wild memories with me, but rather made me understand a phase she once belonged in that home, I knew I could hold history in that house with her.

DBM: Before you met your wife, what were your views on marriage?

Sharod: I don’t know. My parents were married and I thought I would too. I knew exactly what I wanted and expected out of a love relationship, and I was not afraid to keep pushing until I found it in someone.

DBM: Was there anything about your wife that you wanted to change after you had gotten married?

Sharod: No. I loved her just the way she was. Marriage brought us closer and we still share the warmth, respect, excitement and our little acts of love. I’ve not stopped loving my wife. I’ve not stopped choosing my wife. I’ve not stopped celebrating my wife. I’ve not stopped belonging to my wife. I have not tricked her into thinking I am someone I am not. I’m still showing her my best side because I’m trying everyday to secure my marriage and relationship with her. I’m very intentional when it comes to our relationship, because in my mind, there’s still something to ‘woo’. I’m a big-time flirt when it comes to my wife. You will always see me amping my sultry side to just hookup with her.

DBM: How has your sex lives changed, and how do you communicate if you’re unsatisfied?

Sharod: I desire sex but it’s not an urgent need. Marriages of my friends ended because they saw sex as a need. It was a must have, else… It becomes a justification, intentionally or unintentionally to do things outside the marriage. My wife knows that sex draws us closer and she’s capable of putting my desires ahead of her own. When she’s not in the mood, I am capable of understanding her and suppressing my desires for the right time. I have a question.

DBM: Ask away

Sharod: How do you get through a difficult conflict in your marriage?

DBM: Lol! My partner and I hug. One of us, one way or the other would initiate a hug an hour or two after the disagreement. We don’t talk. We just stay in the warmth and comfort of the embrace. Every pride is put aside for the hug. It’s something we look forward to after a fight. We find strength in our tears – if any of us had to cry it all out. It has always been our unspoken promise of being there for one another. We’ve never insulted each other before. I have been mean every now and then but it wasn’t intended to hurt anyone. It’s not always a practical gesture and I don’t know if it’s going to work for everyone else, but we’ve been intentional on working out our differences with a hug. We’re seven years down the line and still married and expressing affection and reassurance.

Sharod: That’s a mature move there. How old are you?

DBM: 40

Sharod: And your significant other?

DBM: Also 40

Sharod: Nice one. It was nice talking to you David Bondze-Mbir.

Image Credit: Kampus

Passion Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ava: Can we chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Sure

Ava: I’m dating a guy who is getting a divorce. We co-own a house and three different plots of land. My name is on all the deeds of the properties because he doesn’t want to give his ex-wife access to them.

DBM: He is married.

Ava: No, he’s in the process of divorcing. They’ve been separated for two years

DBM: He’s still married. Has he showed you a signed divorce decree from a judge?

Ava: No.

DBM: Okay! He’s legally married.

Ava: His wife sent a text message to members of my church and everybody at my workplace, telling them I’m sleeping with her husband.

DBM: Are you sleeping with her husband?

Ava: Dave, my relationship with her ex-husband has nothing to do with her.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Ava: Two years. Almost three years

DBM: How did she know where you work and church?

Ava: I don’t know but I received phone calls from 45 of my church members and 17 of my colleagues from work about her text messages. She has really embarrassed me.

DBM: I’m sorry about that. What is her husband saying about what she did to you?

Ava: He’s handling it

DBM: How?

Ava: I don’t know, but he’s handling it.

DBM: Okay! You know it’s never too late to be a better version of the woman you want to be? A man jumps into a new relationship with you while still tied to his wife, and it’s not a bother to you?

Ava: What do you mean by that? I’m my best self

DBM: Okay! Are you happy in the relationship?

Ava: Very happy, Dave. He treats me well

DBM: Does he treat his wife well?

Ava: How does that concern me? Anytime he looks at his wife, though he cares about her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, excitement and love he once did.

DBM: She’s a woman he’s very familiar with and has known longer than you. He even married her. If he’s not treating her right, then his character will sooner than later catch up with you too. Does that not ever cross your mind?

Ava: We are two different people, Dave. His relationship with her has got nothing on what we have. Secondly, he says anytime he expresses how he feels about their marriage to her, he now has to deal with how she feels about his feelings as well. That’s why he deals with his thoughts on his own.

DBM: Betrayal often repeats itself

Ava: I love him. He is in love with me too

DBM: Love doesn’t change men like these overnight. Your love will never be enough to keep him faithful.

Ava: I am pregnant and he’s asking me to get rid of it.

DBM: Why?

Ava: He’s done with parenting.

DBM: How old is he?

Ava: 50

DBM: How old are his children?

Ava: His last born is 16 years old

DBM: How old are you?

Ava: 34. I want to keep the pregnancy

DBM: You want to have a child for a man who is trying anything to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?

Ava: No one is perfect, Dave. We all have our weaknesses.

DBM: You’re not responsible for someone else’s weakness. You’re responsible for your own.

Ava: His mother wants me to keep the pregnancy

DBM: How did she know about you?

Ava: She knows about me. She approves of our relationship.

DBM: I see!

Ava: I’m worried that he may want to end things with me if he finds out about my decision.

DBM: Be worried about the lies he will be telling you that will keep getting bigger and bigger, because it’s hard for men like him to stop. It’s automatic

Ava: You’re not helping, Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

You Oughta Know

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Heather: The husband of a friend of mine has been visiting a house in my neighborhood. The lady living in that house is not married but has two male visitors coming to her place on different days and they would each stay with her for hours before leaving. One of the male visitors, I know is married to my friend. He doesn’t know me but his wife and I go way back. It’s been an ongoing visitation for some time. The other male visitor that I do not know is also married. He has a wedding band on his ring finger. Also, he doesn’t always sleep over. That is how come I know he is someone’s husband. I discussed my concerns about my friend’s husband with my husband and he is telling me to mind my own business. Dave, what do you think I should do because I feel completely disgusted about the whole situation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Listen to your husband eh.

Heather: You don’t mean that, do you?

DBM: No! Lol! I had to say something so the men on my platform don’t crucify me.

Heather: I’m being serious, Dave. What do I do?

DBM: Have you been a side-chick before?

Heather: Who, me?

DBM: Yes, you!

Heather: Never

DBM: Why not?

Heather: Because my father made me understand at a very young age that I deserved more, and that I shouldn’t assume no one would love me. Some of these girls are with married men because they feel that’s the best they can humanly do for love, so a married man would have to be good enough for them.

DBM: In-as-much as I do not agree with your husband’s stance on this issue, he’s got a point though. If these married men do not care about their wives with their actions outside of their homes, why should you? The women entertaining these men, knowing very well that they’re married also love the attention they’re getting and whatever else comes with it. I would suggest you let them: let them remain each other’s naughty little secret as they figure out ways to lie and pretend to themselves and others.

Heather: How about my friend? Because my conscience wouldn’t let me rest

DBM: If it were you, would you have wanted to know?

Heather: Yes

DBM: Invite her over to your place on the days her husband visits the lady. I would rather she’s a witness to it herself than you doing the telling.

Heather: Ok. You men can be such a disappointment it isn’t even funny.

DBM: He’s doing the cheating with a woman. Do not forget that part too.

Heather: I know but the reality of it is what saddens me.

DBM: Yeah, it’s rather unfortunate.

Heather: I’ve been asking myself what would make my husband cheat on me

DBM: That is, if he’s not already doing it

Heather: He’s not given me any reason to doubt his fidelity yet

DBM: Good for you! What’s his profession?

Heather: He’s a lecturer at Legon.

DBM: Good luck with that one!

Heather: Why do you say that?

DBM: Trust me, you will need it!

Heather: But why?

DBM: I don’t know why, just saying.

Heather: What makes a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. People are different

Heather: Ok. In your opinion, what would make a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: The typical man loves to pursue or chase after what excites him. A wife who is in love with her husband is always there for him at home. Always being there for whatever he wants makes it a bit easier for a man to take you for granted. Some married men also do these things just to see if they’ve still got it in them; that spark in his ability to talk to someone different and attractive, ask for their phone numbers and go all the way in – if permitted.

Heather: How about sex?

DBM: A lot of guys love sex and would want to be adventurous with it. So, if they’re not getting enough of it at home, and the other lady expressing interest in him is willing to desire and want him to do the most with her, he wouldn’t mind risking it all for a moment of thrill and excitement, just to quench his lust. But again, it’s not set in stone: a woman can give a man everything he’s desiring and he’d still cheat on her.

Heather: I’ve seen a conversation on my husband’s phone once, telling a family friend of ours how much he misses being single.

DBM: You don’t miss being single?

Heather: No

DBM: Well, your husband does sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Heather: My husband is my world, Dave. I don’t know what I would do without him.

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Heather: Always

DBM: Please do not make your husband the center of your whole world. Do not trust men, not just your husband. Believe him if he tells you he loves you but do not trust him entirely. Men will disappoint you, one way or the other. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation whereby, should he ever let you down – you start to feel like you have no reason to live. Your whole world should not fall apart simply because a man you trust has broken that trust. Learn to prepare yourself to be strong enough to want to move on with your life, with or without him in it.

Heather: Are you talking about if he cheats on me?

DBM: That, and also through natural causes like death. You need to have something else other than him to look forward to each morning. You need to become your own person time after time. A man’s love for you shouldn’t make you forget or lose your personality and identity. His love for you should not make you overlook your dreams for the future. You can strike a fair balance between being his wife while still acting as your individual self.

Heather: Is that an honest advice you will give to your wife?

DBM: Fortunately for me, my partner’s life and dreams do not revolve around me. We are two very separate individuals, though bound by love and marriage, but with our very independent thoughts, opinions and ideas. My overall happiness doesn’t depend on my partner. My sanity will not hinge on whether or not the one I’m in love with treats me well. Your husband shouldn’t be the only good thing happening in your life.

Heather: But he is, he and my children. Otherwise, why marry me?

DBM: Tell me, how would you honestly feel if your husband were to wake up one morning and expect only you to be responsible for every ounce of his happiness from that day; would you think it’s fair and healthy to you?

Heather: No

DBM: Okay! Anyways, how close are you to the friend whose husband has been frequenting your neighborhood?

Heather: Not so close but close. We catch up when we catch up.

DBM: Why haven’t you told her all this while?

Heather: A lady I know, who found out her serious boyfriend was actually a married man, outed him to his wife with evidence of their relationship and the man died in his sleep at home three months later. He was a young man in his 40’s. He died just like that. I think I’ve been holding back with this information because I do not know how far my friend could go if she found out. A woman who feels betrayed by her husband can go to the extreme every chance she gets.

Image Credit: Ovid Burke    

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