Pursuit Of Happiness

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Armstrong: I’m considering leaving my wife but I don’t know how to explain my decision to her

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain your decision to me

Armstrong: That’s the problem Dave; I don’t have a legal reason. Can a man leave his wife without providing concrete reasons?

DBM: Yes, legally, a man or woman can just wake up one morning and pack up and leave or file for divorce. I’ve had conversations in the past with men and women who did that and the courts granted them divorce.

Armstrong: What kind of divorce did they file?

DBM: I don’t remember exactly but I know someone once mentioned a ‘no-fault divorce’ or something like that. Would you want me to post this conversation on my platform?

Armstrong: Yes, but anonymously.

DBM: Of course. I’m certain the lawyers who often comment on my cases would educate us on these types of filings.

Armstrong: Thank you Dave

DBM: How long have you been married?

Armstrong: I don’t want to give details about my marriage. My wife might read this

DBM: She follows my page?

Armstrong: I don’t know. Women follow your page. That’s all I know

DBM: You have children?

Armstrong: Yes. Don’t ask me how many or their ages

DBM: Why do you want to divorce your wife?

Armstrong: I told you already, I don’t know

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. There’s no reason. She’s not done anything wrong to me.

DBM: What have you done wrong then?

Armstrong: Lol.

DBM: Because there is rarely ‘no reason’ if we’re to touch on the emotional and psychological subject of it.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: You’re not happy with?

Armstrong: I don’t know Dave

DBM: You know!

Armstrong: Lol. Stop saying I know

DBM: You know! If I am not happy, I may not be happy with myself, my life, my partner, marriage or a particular circumstance. You can’t just say you’re not happy.

Armstrong: I am not happy

DBM: What do you feel is that long-term underlying issue shifting your marriage in the quiet?

Armstrong: I don’t have an answer that would make sense to you.

DBM: Unmet needs?

Armstrong: She meets my needs

DBM: Okay! So, then what are some of the emotions you’re not bold enough to speak about with her? Because you’re clearly emotionally distant, no?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: Are you happy with your life?

Armstrong: I have a good career. I love my children. I’m happy being a father. I would flourish being a single dad and not a husband.

DBM: And not a husband to your wife or generally being a husband to anyone?

Armstrong: Being a husband to my wife

DBM: Do you find your wife attractive?

Armstrong: I used to

DBM: Why don’t you anymore?

Armstrong: There’s no explanation. Before you ask, there is no new side-chick in the waiting. I’m not seeing anyone. Dave, I just want to be single. I want to be single. I don’t want to be married anymore. I’m not happy

DBM: What would make you happy?

Armstrong: If I’m divorced

DBM: Do you feel safe at home?

Armstrong: What do you mean?

DBM: Do you feel safe around your wife?

Armstrong: Yes, but I don’t want it anymore

DBM: Do you feel seen by your wife?

Armstrong: Sometimes

DBM: Do you feel your wife understands you, as a man in her life?

Armstrong: I don’t know. I don’t care

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with your wife?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Are you getting sex from another person?

Armstrong: I’m not answering that question

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your wife?

Armstrong: No

DBM: Do you fancy spending time with your family?

Armstrong: I love spending time with my children.

DBM: This is what I’ve deduced thus far: you might be a good man but not necessarily a great partner to your wife, no?

Armstrong: I’m a good person

DBM: But not good enough for your wife

Armstrong: I am not the husband she deserves

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: But you’re not considering leaving your wife for another woman?

Armstrong: Not at the moment. I just want to be single

DBM: Are you sexually compatible with your wife?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: How about physical intimacy?

Armstrong: I just answered you. We have good sex

DBM: Intimacy isn’t about sex. Good sex is just a complementary factor to build a marriage on easily.

Armstrong: We’re intimate

DBM: Does your marriage burden you?

Armstrong: I think we’re going round and round with your questions. You’re repeating questions with different words.

DBM: I am not. How old are you?

Armstrong: In my 40s

DBM: At what point did you stop being intentional about your marriage?

Armstrong: When she was pregnant with our second child

DBM: What happened?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: What happened to you when she was pregnant with your second child?

Armstrong: I fell in love with someone else

DBM: Where is this other person now?

Armstrong: Dead

DBM: What happened to her?

Armstrong: I don’t know

DBM: Let’s talk about your wife

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Why not?

Armstrong: I don’t want to talk about her

DBM: Okay then! Would you want to discuss how your decision would make her feel?

Armstrong: She has to understand

DBM: Let’s assume you tell her you want out, and she doesn’t, and would want to fight for her marriage; what would be the way forward?

Armstrong: The way forward wouldn’t be with me. I want to be single

DBM: Why did you get married to her?

Armstrong: I was in love. I don’t know

DBM: Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor?

Armstrong: Yes

DBM: And?

Armstrong: It’s a waste of time. It wouldn’t change how I am feeling

DBM: But have you made the attempt to see one?

Armstrong: No. I know I will be happy if I am no longer married

DBM: Where do you see happiness?

Armstrong: My next chapter should be a happy place

DBM: Just be careful about placing your happiness to an unknown destination. We men very much are addicted to the high of finding our happy spots somewhere else. Yes, your next chapter could be your happy place, but happiness isn’t somewhere else. Happiness is where you are, and until you sit to seriously analyze your choices, you may never appreciate the happiness in where you find yourself today.

Armstrong: Gotta go Dave. Thanks for chatting

Image Credit: Savia Rocks

The Marriage I Want

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Neff: I had been kicked out of my house after living there for 7 years. My former landlord’s son was relocating from London and she needed to host him and her grandchildren in the building I was renting. It was an impromptu alert that cost me a lot of money, my time and basic freedom. It was not an easy year to be dealing with the scene of being kicked out of the place I had called and made home for years. Dave, this is the story about how I met my wife. My wife was a colleague from work. We were friends, though we weren’t close.

Four months after my eviction notice had been served, our employer planned a staff retreat to take us out of the office and put us together in another location, where we were charged to work together on some non-work-related projects. It was one of those retreats for us to step away from our regular day-to-day stuff to focus on the bigger picture. The retreat helped me to remove myself from the distraction of not still finding a house to rent. It was also an opportunity for me to see the way I interacted with everybody in the company. The retreat ended and I was tasked to carry along a few of the activity items to my house.

My wife, who was then a colleague, decided to give me a ride back home because my car wouldn’t start that morning. We got home, and she insisted on helping me carry the activity items to my living room. She realized I was in the process of packing out and wondered why. She wasn’t the type of friend I discussed personal issues with, but on that day, something about the way she expressed her concern, made me open up to her. Dave, sometimes help just land better when they come from a familiar, yet not so familiar face. As it turned out, she lived in a 3-bedroom house all by herself and wasn’t going to mind having me as her housemate. The catch in her proposal was for me to pay half of the rent, which I was more than willing to. I am still not sure what caused this beautiful woman to invest in me with that level of kindness.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know how she was perceiving you or your friendship/work relationship?

Neff: I know she had a lot of respect for me and had in one or more occasions, called me an intelligent man.

DBM: How did you feel when she first addressed you as such?

Neff: It was a good feeling. I felt seen and appreciated. I became a friend to her

DBM: Okay! So, you moved in with her?

Neff: Yes. A week after moving in to her house, I started taking notice of the kinds of books she read. Her bookshelves were absolutely impressive to the extent that, I did not see myself going out of my way to be reading her books, so I could have access to enter into her world, in order to engage her in her zone naturally. Our conversations surrounding her books, which I read 70% of, revealed a lot of commonality and shared interests.

DBM: How fond of her were you?

Neff: I liked her. I wasn’t sure to what extent but I knew how much I liked her.

DBM: How much did you like her?

Neff: Really much. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends. I got to know her friends; they got to know me.

DBM: Did you find her attractive?

Neff: Yes. My wife is a very attractive woman. Our friendship grew to a point where I wanted to invest myself fully, and I did. My love for her grew because I put in the work.

DBM: How long did you stay in her house?

Neff: Three years as her co-tenant

DBM: Would you advise your single sister to accommodate a stray man in her home for three years?

Neff: No Dave.

DBM: Why not?

Neff: Because a lot of our guys have not passed the safety test after being vetted by many women. Who we invite to our homes say a lot about what we think of our homes. I had good character; I had good morals. She knew who I was before letting me in. But most importantly, she was familiar with and also had trust in my presence, thus, why she allowed me to stay.

DBM: How long had you been working together by then?

Neff: Six years. Dave, life gives all of us different experiences. This was just one of mine, and my wife’s intuition was working to protect her. She knew whether her decision to invite me to stay with her was right or wrong before leaning into it. Secondly, we worked in the same office. She knew me. I knew her. And she knew she would feel comfortable, supported and understood by me. That was who I was to her at work and I think that was one of the reasons why she did not hesitate to talk herself out of what felt real.

DBM: What do you think felt real?

Neff: Her kindness. My wife is very kind to me to this day.

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Neff: When I noticed I was excited do things I’ve done a thousand times before because it was with her. I was never bored. Repeating activities with her felt new and exciting. But I knew I was falling in love with her when I got so mad at our boss one time for raising his voice at her. It was so unusual of me to go out of my way to defend her honor in that circumstance. My sense of empathy toward her had increased.

DBM: How did you know she was falling for you too?

Neff: Dave, I knew. She felt secure and comfortable being around me. Anytime I cheered her on, she developed this new courage to expand and become better at whatever she was doing. She was also willing to sit through hours of a sport game on radio or TV, just to spend time with me. It wasn’t a struggle for either of us to make time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Neff: 21 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife since you got married?

Neff: No. But it had occurred to me a couple of times in the past. I just did not act on it. Our marriage became boring and monotonous for me at a point.

DBM: Why did you not act on the urge?

Neff: Because excitement in the bedroom can be rekindled. There was no need seeking outside assistance. There other reason was that, being unfaithful to my wife meant, I would have no right to demand a monogamous commitment, nor have the moral high ground to chastise her for seeing other men. If I can have my cake and eat it, then my wife can attempt to have her cake and eat it too. My dad used to tell us a husband is supposed to love, trust and be honest with his wife but he cheated on my mother. When my mother betrayed him by also sleeping with another man, he got so upset and furious and could not forgive her. They ended up getting a divorce. That’s not what I want.

DBM: What in your opinion has made your marriage a success?

Neff: My marriage is 21 years old because I know who I am. My wife knows who she is. Individually, we know what makes us happy and can feel good all by ourselves without needing each other’s validation. We believe in our separate strengths and have fulfilled and pursued our dreams. We have achieved life goals independently, grabbed life changing opportunities and can function on our own without the help or support of the other. We built ourselves and careers as individuals before we became an ‘us. I married a woman who I genuinely love seeing walk into the room. Dave, believe me when I say I still smile when my wife shows up. The bond I’ve intentionally built with my bride is strong and can endure temptations. Respect is the third seasoning in our soup. I respect my wife so much. Probably that is why my love and trust in her hasn’t deteriorated that quickly. We communicate very well and would resolve a disagreement with a Hug, kiss, sex or all three at a go. My marriage is successful because I touch my wife every day. I hold her hand. I give randoms hugs. Slightly squeezes parts of her body. She touches parts of my body randomly, every day. This is what it means to be held for 21 years.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

I Need A Drink

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ranger: Hi David. Quick question. Is it every conversation you have in your inbox that you post publicly?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey Kwasi. How are you doing? No! Majority of the people who reach out to me would later ask me not to post their chat with me, and I always respect that. Why do ask?

Ranger: I’m not sure if I would want mine shared publicly

DBM: That’s okay!

Ranger: Are you sure it wouldn’t bother you?

DBM: It wouldn’t be a problem.

Ranger: You said you’re not a counselor?

DBM: I’m not a counselor.

Ranger: My wife just asked me to take a side chick and bang with no emotional attachment.

DBM: What was her reason?

Ranger: She wants me to offer my easygoing, fun and no expectations version of myself to that other woman because she (my wife) expects a lot from me and I’m always complaining she’s too rigid. Dave, my wife no longer craves for my dick like I crave for her pussy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ranger: 7 years.

DBM: You have children?

Ranger: 2

DBM: So, you need an escape?

Ranger: What do you mean?

DBM: An escape from the chores and responsibilities of being a husband and father to two young kids?

Ranger: You’re missing the point

DBM: What’s the point?

Ranger: What goes with a meal?

DBM: Water

Ranger: My meals usually go with a drink. I need a drink, Dave.

DBM: Well, your wife is giving you the go-ahead to get a drink, no? They will play their roles to the T. Go get ‘em’.

Ranger: My wife is up to something. That’s what I’m thinking.

DBM: Your wife discovered your true character in due time, and may have made peace with it. That’s what I’m thinking.

Ranger: I don’t understand

DMB: Ask yourself why you have gotten to this stage in your marriage where she is very comfortable giving less of herself to you than you deserve? She knows you’re already cheating on her and are deserving of less than her best. She’s not interested in being an accessory to your lies and infidelity. Reason why she’s enabling you to go have a drink or two out there.

Ranger: I had just one affair, one, and she doesn’t even know about it.

DBM: Okay!

Ranger: Can you post so I know what people think of my issue?

Image Credit: Didsss

It Takes Two

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Phyliss: I feel alone. I’ve been downplaying it but I feel so alone in my marriage. I don’t think my husband sees or values me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?

Phyliss: 9 years. He’s a great father to our children but he’s terrible at being a husband to me.

DBM: Terrible in what sense?

Phyliss: I need him to be present to my needs but he thinks I’m needy. He’s not offering the connection and conversation I crave for. My husband is supposed to be my best friend, Dave.

DBM: Do you have friends?

Phyliss: I do

DBM: Who is your best friend?

Phyliss: My husband

DBM: Who is your second-best friend?

Phyliss: I don’t have one

DBM: You do

Phyliss: They’re not my best friends. They’re just friends.

DBM: Prior to meeting your husband, who was your closest friend?

Phyliss: Jane

DBM: Where is Jane in your life right now?

Phyliss: We talk but we’re not so close

DBM: Why are you no longer that close?

Phyliss: Because my husband wanted to become my closest friend after we got married.

DBM: How long has it been since you noticed the drifting apart?

Phyliss: It’s been 5 years. I just want him to be as loving and supportive as he used to be. I wish I can make him get off his phone after work and on weekends. He barely looks up from his phone or laptop. Our conversations at home, most of the time centers around the children or the bills. There is an invisible wall between us anytime I sit across the room. I’m withering away, Dave.

DBM: You’re choosing to wither away. Have you spoken to him about your current experience at home?

Phyliss: He snaps and tags me as needy

DBM: Why did you get married?

Phyliss: I fell in love. I was ready to start a family with someone. When I met my husband, I realized I wanted to see him more. I wanted to talk to him more. I imagined a future with him in it. There was exciting sexual tension between us and it became clear that we weren’t just friends.

DBM: Why do you think he chose to marry you?

Phyliss: Maybe he thought that was what he had to do, and then later discovered that, no matter how hard he tried loving me, he yearned to be single again?

DBM: It could be possible but have you asked him why he married you?

Phyliss: Yes. He said he was in love. But his actions say otherwise. I think my husband wishes he could be single again and stay single.

DBM: If that is what he wants, could you grant him that?

Phyliss: No Dave. I don’t think so. We have children we’re raising together.

DBM: Do you work?

Phyliss: Yes. Dave, I’ve stood by this guy through his hardest seasons in life. When we married, it wasn’t long before he became unemployed. And for 14 months, I kept food in the fridge, paid all the bills, helped him to settle his debts because I assumed his debts were mine too; warmed his side of the bed at night. I did everything I could to make my husband stay motivated and happy. I took on responsibilities without complaining just to keep our heads above water. I have sacrificed my own downtime in order for him to pursue his dreams.

DBM: Is your husband happy in the marriage?

Phyliss: I don’t think so.

DBM: So, you can clearly read into him?

Phyliss: Yes.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Phyliss: No, but I don’t want to throw away what we have built together.

DBM: What percentage of what you have built together is his contribution?

Phyliss: I’m the one who wants the marriage to work

DBM: I know, but still grade it.

Phyliss: I’d say 35%

DBM: 35% of his effort has been put into the nine years of marriage to work?

Phyliss: Yes.

DBM: Is he a responsible father to his children?

Phyliss: He is.

DBM: So, he will take care of them, whether or not you’re together?

Phyliss: He will.

DBM: Have you tried couples therapy?

Phyliss: We’ve met our pastor and his wife and few of our church elders but everyone seems to think I have to do more to keep my husband interested in the marriage. I’ve been doing the more they’re suggesting to me.

DBM: Ugh! Don’t even tell me about church people. Smh! I’m referring to professional counseling

Phyliss: No. He wouldn’t participate. I know my husband. I’m just sad that he’s no longer happy to be with me. What would you have done Dave, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: Before I got married, one of the vows my spouse and I agreed on was that, should we ever reach that point in our union, where we’re no longer that much into each other, and are finding other people and what they mean to us attractive, we would first sit and discuss the changes in our feelings and wants and desires, and then propose whether or not we’d be in an open-marriage/relationship or simply go our separate ways. It doesn’t mean the love we once felt for one another wasn’t strong enough. People change, and sometimes, when people show you how far they’ve gone in their change – it’s them simply being sincere with you without wanting to say as much. Even if it makes no sense to you the wife who still is very much interested in, and connected to them and the history shared.

Phyliss: I don’t know what to do

DBM: Stand on patience and be present to what makes you happy. Whatever used to make you happy before you met your husband, find that thing and explore it all over again. Remind yourself, not with words but your energy and presence that marriage is not all there is to you.

Phyliss: I’m still sad but thank you.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Car Prank

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Karen: My husband surprised me with a 2025 Cadillac CT4-V Blackwing RWD last year, as my Christmas present. I didn’t ask for it. In fact, I would have rather preferred the money given to me to invest in personal projects but anyway, I loved the gesture. I drove the car for exactly one week, and then all of a sudden, he was the one using the car. He would leave his car behind and tell me to drive that instead. I let it slide for a couple of weeks because I thought it’s still for the family’s use. But now, I don’t have access to the car anymore. He’s taken over and wants me to use his old car instead. I don’t understand why he would do that to me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Gurl, that was your husband’s dream car. He bought it specifically for himself, but through the courtesy of you.

Karen: How so?

DBM: Smh! Has he ever given you a huge sum of money for say, the house or to support your personal project or dream?

Karen: Yes

DBM: And, did he, within the span of a month or less, come up with an imaginary urgent excuse just to borrow money from you?

Karen: Yes

DBM: Knowing very well you were going to tap into the very same money he had gifted you?

Karen: Hmmm

DBM: Good! Now do the math with the car scenario.

Karen: That would be disappointing if he never intended giving me that car.

DBM: He never intended giving you that Cadillac, sorry.

Karen: I’m saddened by that

DBM: Do you work?

Karen: Yes

DBM: A good job?

Karen: A very good job

DBM: Save money and buy your own car if you wish to.

Karen: I’m very disappointed in my husband.

DBM: Don’t be. Men have the tendency to pretend to be low maintenance when in reality, we choose to minimize or deny our true feelings, acting as if we’re unaware of our expectations, desires and limits. We know exactly what we do to you. Believe me when I tell you this.

Karen: I believe you

DBM: Do not underestimate any man who pretends to give up what they really want and be agreeable.

Karen: What do I do now?

DBM: You do nothing. It’s his car. Pretend you appreciate the gesture and let go. If he wants you to drive the car, he will hand over the keys.

Karen: What if I don’t want it anymore?

DBM: Then you don’t want it anymore. There is still a used car at home, no?

Karen: Yes.

DBM: Drive that one. Life goes on.

Karen: Ok

DBM: Are you happy in the marriage?

Karen: Yes

DBM: You believe he loves you?

Karen: He does

DBM: You love him as much, no?

Karen: I do.

DBM: He respects and honors you?

Karen: He does

DBM: He treats you right and would do right by you?

Karen: Yes

DBM: He speaks to and with you with respect?

Karen: Yes

DBM: It’s just a car. Today, it might be a struggle to trust or love on him and his intentions for you because he furnished you with a whirlpool of Cadillac CT4-V emotions. Get over it, so tomorrow, you can be open to the idea of feeling like the luckiest woman in the world – because he loves you.

Karen: But should I still trust in him?

DBM: DO NOT TRUST A MAN. I tell you ladies all the time but you continue leading with your hearts. Believe a man if he tells you he loves you but DO NOT TRUST the hell out of him. Believing in us goes a long way in making us feel we matter. We wouldn’t act out if we know you believe in us.

Karen: But would you act out if you know I don’t trust you.

DBM: I will pretend to be hurt but I can hold on to the fact that you at least, believe in me. Men are very cunning. I am telling you this as a man myself; especially those who’ve got their shit together, got a little swag of attitude, and knows their place from left to right. Do not be led by passion and throw caution to the wind. Be alert to our nonchalant charm when we make you feel something.

Karen: Thank you David.

Image Credit: Danmds

Water is tasty

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Awal: Hello David. Can I share my 31 years of experience in marriage?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh wow! 31 years? Yes, I want to learn

Awal: Your surname, is it Mbir or Bondze Mbir?

DBM: Bondze-Mbir.

Awal: Where is the name from?

DBM: Winneba.

Awal: Simpa. Do you speak Efutu?

DBM: No!

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Once. I am Fante though

Awal: Fante is your mother’s side?

DBM: Yes. Elmina.

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Yes. Once

Awal: Ok. To my story; It was love at first sight when I looked into the eyes of my wife for the first time. I was healing from a heartbreak and thought I was done with the dating game. I had always been afraid of what might go wrong in a relationship. I wasn’t great at committing to just one woman because I was afraid of missing out on something better in the future. A lot of ‘what ifs’ played on my mind and because of that, I became the ladies’ man. I went for the finest girls I could persuade, the perfect shapes, the best I could attract but could not offer my best to them. In hindsight, I did not know what it was that I actually wanted, and therefore, was chasing the types of women I thought I could have. My intentions weren’t sincere. I was leading girls on just to get them to like me. I knew none of them could break through to get me to be loyal to one girl. This is a past of mine I regret.

DBM: It was all about sex, I guess?

Awal: Yes, and a need for casual companionship.

DBM: Okay!

Awal: While at it I met this other girl. The one who broke my heart before I met my wife. She was the perfect girl I was willing to let my guard down for. It is kind of hard to gauge this particular situation because I didn’t see it coming. She was the first girl I would do things for out of the kindness of my heart with no intention of getting something in return. I loved her and I could not control that moment and outcome. I didn’t know I was capable of falling in love. This made me get lost in my worries and fears. I didn’t want to take her for granted. This was the comical part; she was the first girl I prayed to God about.

DBM: You liked her that much?

Awal: I loved her.

DBM: What happened?

Awal: Unbeknownst to me, she was the cousin of one of the many girls I had played and dumped. She planted herself in my life at the right moment with the help of her cousin who knew a lot about my daily routine, and got me wrapped around her finger in all the wrong ways I couldn’t see coming. To cut the miserable story short, I lost a lot of money in the process of her short-term revenge diversion game. We were planning to get married when she left me to go marry someone else. I nearly committed suicide.

DBM: How did you find out it was a conspiracy?

Awal: The cousin I used to fuck with came to my office to tell me why I was never going to see her cousin again. And truly, I never saw her cousin again.

DBM: Wait! The one you played was the one in your office in this scenario?

Awal: Yes. I didn’t set eyes on the one I was planning marriage with again.

DBM: There was no further communication, breakup, closure, etc.

Awal: Nothing. We were on good terms the night before her cousin’s visit to my office.

DBM: Did you live together?

Awal: No, but I had rented a house for her. Bought a brand-new car for her. Paid her debts and loans. Spent on her. I spent monies I hadn’t even spent on myself before on her because I wanted to impress. She made me fall in love hard, Dave.

DBM: What in your opinion, made her stand out and not blend in?

Awal: She made me a priority in the beginning stages of our relationship and I thought that had set the precedent for how I would reciprocate. I believed she was consistently into who I was, and was happy to be all in with me. I didn’t see the reason to be pulling her back and forth in the games I used to play.

DBM: You never had a sense of her hiding something from you?

Awal: No.

DBM: How long were you together?

Awal: 1 year and six months. After her cousin’s visit to my office, I went to the house I had rented in her name and she had packed out. It happened so fast I couldn’t make the head or tail of it.

DBM: Did you find out where she had gone to?

Awal: The cousin mentioned at the office that she had traveled abroad to be with her husband, which I did not believe. But she made me understand she had it all planned out because she knew I liked beautiful women. Her cousin was the perfect beauty to seduce and lead me on, mess me around and then discard me. She disappeared in a puff of smoke, Dave.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Awal: After finding out that she had packed out, I went back to my car with the intention of driving to the police station to make a formal complaint. It was a really hard time period for me because I had made a quick turn in a corner onto the main street without really paying attention to the road. Truthfully, she appeared from nowhere into the crossing and I hit her with my car. I stopped and immediately ran out to see if she was okay. She was bleeding profusely. My second worse nightmare in life was when I first came in contact with my wife. I did not know what to do that instance. A few guys came over to help me carry her to my car. We sent her to the nearest hospital, and that was when it hit me, she could die. I broke into uncontrollable tears. It all started coming back to me, the love of my life that had vanished on me. The dream to be married that had been taken away from me by a vengeful woman and her cousin. The money I had lost. The innocent lady I had maimed and wasn’t sure whether she could fight for her life or not at the hospital.

DBM: I can only imagine your devastation

Awal: God being so good, she gained consciousness on the second day and I was allowed to see her. She looked at me oddly and managed to smile at me. I knelt by her bed and asked for forgiveness. She lifted her right hand to touch my shoulder and I looked straight into her eyes with tears in mine. She smiled with mercy and grace in eyes for me. Something inside of me loosened. I was touched by her smile. I was moved by the look in her eyes. That look threw a hint of light to shine through my darkness. That was the beginning of our attraction and friendship and relationship and later, marriage.

DBM: What else about her genuinely got you hooked?

Awal: She wasn’t performing to win my attention. A lot of the girls I usually would go for in the past I think put on a show to match my performances. She was deeper than a performance.

DBM: Was she your usual type?

Awal: No. But I felt safe and the connection felt real. I didn’t have to perform or impress. I experienced an honest feeling oozing out of me.

DBM: Did she feel the same way towards you?

Awal: She was developing likeness for me.

DBM: What else got you hooked?

Awal: She knew how to listen and make me feel heard and seen. There was warmth in how she made me feel seen. I could be myself around her, Dave. She made me laugh. She made me smile. She knew how to tease me softly and sweetly. It lightened my world and made me feel like I could be alive and lighter all over again. I felt at ease. She embraced my walls with peace. She had an independent life of her own. An impressive life, as a matter of fact. Goal driven, passionate about her career, super smart and intelligent. Very hardworking and forceful. That, was attractive to me. She was a complete package of her own who just happened to like being around me too. She didn’t need me to be her knight and shining armor. She wanted me to ride along her journey. My wife is a lady. She carries her presence without trying too hard for attention or validation.

DBM: Is she the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Awal: She’s the only woman I’ve been with since hitting her with my car. There’s nothing brand new out there that can’t be drawn from my well at home.

DBM: Water is tasty.

Awal: Lol. Dave, my well is sourced from an underground aquifer deep in my wife’s soil. It’s naturally filtered but a little bit of high concentration of her soil minerals can easily influence her taste to sparkling water. Sometimes, she tastes like spring water. Most times, she’s regular tap water but she can be ionized with rich minerals to raise her pH level to a smoother alkaline water. Her water can be distilled. Water is tasty when you’re thirsty enough. How old are you, Dave?

DBM: 41

Awal: Who taught you that phrase? Water is tasty isn’t for your generation

DBM: I can be an unassuming gentle bad boy sometimes. I know a thing or two about the water I drink.

Awal: What kind of water do you drink?

DBM: Mine also has sodium (Na⁺), potassium (K⁺), and chloride (Cl⁻) dissolved in it. Sometimes it tastes sweet. Other times, it’s sour. It tastes bitter or salty once in a while when we’re mad at each other. But this morning, it certainly was umami

Awal: Lol.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your marriage?

Awal: Contentment. Having a sense that I am enough. My wife is enough. Every moment in our marriage is enough, whether good or bad. Finding sufficiency in the enough and accepting what and who I chose to have in my life to do life with in this present moment. There’s nothing to compare if you dwell, commit to and savor the enough.

DBM: This was a good conversation. Thank you for your time.

Awal: Thank you.

Imagine Credit: RDNE

Everybody Hurts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Theodore: My mother filed for divorce on their 25th wedding anniversary party which was organized by my dad, her now ex-husband. It was a reunion for the whole family, none of their friends invited, which I thought was weird at first. Then I later came to find out that she had specifically insisted she didn’t want any friends coming to the celebration. She wanted just the families from both sides in attendance.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh my! How old were you that year?

Theodore: I was 23

DBM: When did this happen?

Theodore: 2017

DBM: Fairly recent

Theodore: Yes. They raised three kids in total; built their careers and navigated through all sorts of illnesses and life events. My mother surprised us with her decision.

DBM: Was it a mutual decision on the day of the announcement?

Theodore: It took my dad by surprise too. He didn’t see it coming. He wouldn’t have spent money on a party meant to announce the death of his marriage.

DBM: Do you know why your mother chose to opt out?

Theodore: My mum is a very private person. And also, peaceful. She told the three of us after the party, that, she and my father stopped laughing together early in their marriage. Which eventually, became a struggle for her. Decisions my father made with other women were some of the hardest moments that tested their marriage, and ultimately, shifted her feelings for him. Nothing else he did or said could pull her love back to him.

DBM: When you say ‘the three of us’, you mean your siblings?

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Okay! Did she put a date to the ‘early’ years she stopped laughing?

Theodore: Four years into the marriage. Nothing felt right to her afterwards because all the memories that now stayed with her were the bad choices my father made to break them apart.

DBM: I do understand that part. It’s never about the material stuff or how nice you make people believe your marriage looks. The shared experiences and memories left on the hearts of our minds are what we hold on to – when all is said and done.

Theodore: Yes

DBM: Do you know why your mother stayed that long?

Theodore: Yes. She stayed for us. She was in the middle of raising young children. Her life revolved around us. But she said she never stopped counting the years to when my younger sister would turn 19.

DBM: Tell me a little about growing up under their roof.

Theodore: My mother was the present parent. My dad, not so much. Now that I’m a father myself, I understand the importance of being present in my child’s life because the years go by so fast, we don’t get the time back.

DBM: How old is your child?

Theodore: 4-year-old. I and my siblings were very vulnerable to the influence at home. We saw a lot. We heard a lot. We analyzed a lot and I don’t think my father realized we were soaking up all kinds of information we came across at home, pertaining to how he treated my mother and how that made us feel. We were like sponges. I soaked up my father’s mannerisms and some traits. My sister and brother soaked up their own habits from either my mother or father. When we came of age, our mother was the only role model at home we could look up to.

DBM: Why do you say that?

Theodore: Our mother was the one always involved in our lives. Our father compensated us with fancy gifts and outings. He woke up very early to go to work and we wouldn’t see him until later in the night. He was the busy parent. That was the picture he painted for us to see.

DBM: Did your mother work?

Theodore: My mother is a surgeon.

DBM: Ha!

Theodore: Yes

DBM: What are some of the mannerisms and traits you picked up from your dad?

Theodore: The unhealthy bits and pieces of his pattern that I witnessed for the early years of my life were manifesting in my marriage. I was staying out late, engaging in casual sex with old flames, getting home late to take my shower, and watch TV or be on my phone, hoping not to be bothered until I fell asleep on the couch. I remember how my father used to tell my sister to be quiet because he was tired and not in the mood to play with her. I catch myself repeating the same thing with my son. I was also lying to my wife a lot about my whereabouts.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Theodore: 5 years. I’m trying to break from these habits but it’s still a difficult task

DBM: You’re at liberty to choose your own path. However, you need to understand that, you signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it involves just more than paying the bills.

Theodore: I know

DBM: Anyways, what’s life like for your sister?

Theodore: We’re all thriving in our careers. But I think my sister is always ending up having relationships with emotionally unavailable men. She’s been engaging in various behaviors I used to see my mother display at home when we were kids, to get the attention of my father. I know she has lost faith in men.

DBM: I’ve lost my chain of thought. Why did you reach out to me?

Theodore: I came across a conversation between my mother and my wife. She was advising my wife to divorce me if she’s no longer interested in the marriage. It took me by surprise because why would my own mother say that to the mother of my child?

DBM: Because you’re your father’s son. Your mother lived through all of that, and knows this about you. And wouldn’t want her daughter in love suffering in the process because of it.

Theodore: But she crossed the line, don’t you think so?

DBM: The fact that a woman makes the decision to marry you doesn’t necessarily mean she has to accept all there is to you. She’s been understanding enough. She’s been patient enough. A wife is not supposed to be the only one wanting her marriage to get better.

Theodore: I want my marriage to get better.

DBM: Then be better. I don’t think your mother crossed a line. She knows the heartache and pain in staying married to a man like you. Something you will never understand.

Theodore: I understand

DBM: If you say so. How is your father doing?

Theodore: He is fine. He married again.

DBM: Good for him. You see, life goes on, regardless

Theodore: Yes. He got married two months after their divorce finalized.

DBM: Life still goes on. Life is meant to be lived.

Theodore: Yes

Image Credit: Isabela Catao

Paying Him Forward – [After The Date – Update]

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: The date night went well. I was nervous but we both showed the best versions of ourselves.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you wish to see him again?

Lorraine: I don’t think so

DBM: Why not?

Lorraine: I doubt it would lead anywhere

DBM: Was that his conclusion too?

Lorraine: No. He wants a second date

DBM: How was the conversation like, between the two of you?

Lorraine: It flowed nicely. He maintained eye contact with me throughout the date. He asked very sensible questions and was of course, flirting with me. He found me attractive.

DBM: You asked the question?

Lorraine: I did, when I realized he would quickly smile back at me anytime I smiled about something he had said. We initially were seated opposite each other by the table but before the date ended, he had drawn closer to my chair and was leaning into the conversation.

DBM: If I am interested in someone and what they have to say, I would lean closer too. That’s a positive sign I believe.

Lorraine: I thought so till the awkward moment.

DBM: Oh Oh! What did he do now?

Lorraine: I asked about his feelings for my daughter.

DBM: And?

Lorraine: He said that chapter had closed. I asked if they were intimate in the three years of their friendship. He first cleared his throat, slowly sipped his drink. And then smiled. And then there was that awkward pause. He then said he didn’t want to lie to me.

DBM: Lie to you about what?

Lorraine: That was all he said.

DBM: How did the date end?

Lorraine: On a good note. He drove me back home, talked a bit in his car in front of my gate, gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek.

DBM: Do you mind me asking a few personal questions?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Can you take me through your activities for the day, leading to the date?

Lorraine: I woke up to a text message from him. A greeting and how he was looking forward to our date. He asked me not to drive to work that morning because his driver was on his way to pick me up to work. My daughter had given him the locations to my house and work. His driver brought me flowers. I thought that was very sweet of him. I was taken to work, and was picked up from work later by him.

DBM: Okay! What kind of conversations did you have on the date?

Lorraine: We talked about almost everything important to us. He wanted to know more about my life, my interests, anything in my past I was willing to share and my plans for the future. He shared his with me too. We were very expressive about our feelings.

DBM: Was there chemistry between the two of you?

Lorraine: There was chemistry, so much chemistry that could have led to sex if I had allowed it.

DBM: Okay! Describe the relationship between you and your daughter to me.

Lorraine: You might not quite get it but my daughter is my best friend. I was a parent to her when she was young but as she grew into this amazing young woman, the friendship component to our mother-daughter relationship suddenly has blossomed. Dave, the desire of every mother is for their children to like them. My daughter has always liked me. Even in the years I thought she wouldn’t need me anymore, she would come and take me out shopping or fine dining. It melts my heart when she calls me every day to tell me how much she loves me. She makes all the scarifies I’ve made for her sake worth it. Watching my baby girl grow into the lady she’s becoming is more rewarding than I could have ever thought.

DBM: What’s the story between you and her biological father?

Lorraine: He was the branch manager at my second employment. I had been hired as the assistant to the Relationship Manager to enhance client satisfaction while driving revenue growth. He used to seek my opinions on investments and financial services. We became more than friends and I got pregnant in the process. The day I shared the news with him; he told me he was engaged and soon to be married to his girlfriend who was also pregnant for him. He gave me the option to abort the pregnancy but I kept it.

DBM: Did you know he had a girlfriend?

Lorraine: No. He told me he was an available man and not married.

DBM: Is he present in your daughter’s life?

Lorraine: He took responsibility from a distance. They’re not so close because his wife doesn’t know about her existence but they manage to meet and catch up from time to time.

DBM: He married the pregnant girlfriend?

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: What happened to your relationship with him?

Lorraine: There was no relationship between us after he made me aware he had a girlfriend. It ended the day I shared my pregnancy news.

DBM: Back to your daughter; now we know she probably might have shared more than just a kiss with your date. How does this new information reflect on you?

Lorraine: I am, in equal measures, perturbed and disappointed in her. She should have told me the whole truth.

DBM: Would you have gone on a date with him if she had been honest about her relationship with him?

Lorraine: No. It’s very embarrassing, Dave.

DBM: You have nothing to be embarrassed about, really. You were merely acting on her word, which you believed was the truth.

Lorraine: Yes

DBM: Do you intend seeing him again?

Lorraine: No

DBM: You’re certain?

Lorraine: 100%. It was a beautiful connection but my intuition is telling me that he is the type that is really good at creating the right impact on women. He’s skilled in asking the right questions, having eye contact and pretending to be listening to you intently so he can give the best answers. He knows how to connect with single women looking for love and impressing them along the ride. That’s not what I am looking for at the moment.

DBM: I see. It’s all good.

Lorraine: Dave, thank the people on your Facebook page for me. I read all their comments and concerns on our first chat. I did not take their opinions for granted.

DBM: There really are genuine, goodhearted single men out there praying to come into contact with a heart like yours. All the good men aren’t taken. The kind of man you seek doesn’t grow on trees, that is why I am hoping you wouldn’t let the least pleasant experience with this guy daunt you from being openminded to what else there is to come. Because another unique experience will come your way. Do not close off so easily nor sit home waiting for a man to fall out of the sky and land on your lap. Go out there. Make new friends. Put your energies into the right people and trust that you can do right by yourself.

Lorraine: You are so kind. You are so kind. Thank you David.

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

And Forgive Us Our Trespasses

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Carle: Hi Dave. Can I use your platform to apologize to my ex-wife?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What did you do to your wife?

Carle: I don’t want to share our personal issues with you. I just want a platform to apologize

DBM: Why do you want to use my platform? That’s my question

Carle: She comments on your page.

DBM: Okay!

Carle: Esi, I am so sorry. I couldn’t help it. I tried to stop. I know what I said many times to you but the truth is, you have always been there for me. You have always been willing to meet my needs. I betrayed your trust and let you down. For that, I am sorry. I am seeking the help I need. I thought what I was doing would make our marriage better. I have realized that you make me better. I want to be better. I want to be better for you. I really love you

DBM: You have to be better for yourself, not Esi.

Carle: Dave

DBM: What?

Carle: Please. Don’t start

DBM: No, seriously, have you sat with the fact that you intentionally, chose to hurt the woman who had trust in you?

Carle: How is that your concern?

DBM: Let me guess, you slipped a mistress in the equation, no? If you have something to hide, then you have something to protect.

Carle: I made a mistake and the guilt is keeping me up at night. I am ashamed of my actions and I have regrets because I destroyed our family. I just want to repair what has been broken.

DBM: A woman’s trust in you is very fragile. One careless misstep can fracture the relationship beyond repair if not appropriately addressed.

Carle: That is why I need a second chance.

DBM: Is this really your second chance? Or she had given you chance upon chance to do right by her and the marriage?

Carle: I made a mistake

DBM: How do you intend fixing a problem you’re still refusing to look at?

Carle: What do you mean?

DBM: You’re referring to your action as a ‘mistake’. How can you scar your wife’s heart with another person and call it a mistake?

Carle: I don’t need to explain myself to you

DBM: You addressed her as your ‘ex-wife’. Are you divorced?

Carle: Yes

DBM: For how long now?

Carle: 2 years

DBM: What were you doing these past two years?

Carle: Nothing

DBM: Were you dating any of the girls you made mistakes with?

Carle: Yes

DBM: Are you still together?

Carle: No

DBM: Why are you not together?

Carle: She left me

DBM: Why?

Carle: Because I wanted to be with my wife.

DBM: It’s up to your ex-wife to forgive you.

Carle: I’m hoping she would accept my apology.

DBM: She can decide not to accept this apology, and you’d have to respect that decision too.

Carle: I want to bring my family back together.

DBM: Fixing what you took for granted doesn’t start with her forgiveness. It begins with you, changing for real, and for the better.

Carle: I have changed

DBM: Good for you, but that wouldn’t necessarily push her toward the kind of decision you’re hoping for.

Carle: I just want her to read this message

DBM: And assuming she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you again after reading the message, you can use this experience as a learning opportunity and simply apply whatever it has taught you to future relationships. Every effort we put into a relationship matters to the integrity of its overall state.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Paying Him Forward

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lorraine: Hello David. I want to talk about something

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Lorraine: As wonderful as ever.

DBM: Good to know. What’s on your mind?

Lorraine: My daughter wants to hook me up with a man who initially was interested in, and pursuing her.

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Lorraine: 26

DBM: How old are you?

Lorraine: 48. I had my daughter when I was very young, in my early twenties.

DBM: And how old is this guy we’re talking about?

Lorraine: 52

DBM: I see. And to what extent did your daughter go with this man during his pursuit of her?

Lorraine: She said they only kissed

DBM: How many times?

Lorraine: Once.

DBM: How long has he known your daughter?

Lorraine: They’ve been friends for three years

DBM: She defined their relationship as ‘friendship’?

Lorraine: Friends

DBM: With no type of benefits?

Lorraine: Not that I know of. I’m just going by my daughter’s word

DBM: And you trust your daughter?

Lorraine: 100%. She wouldn’t lie to me

DBM: Have you met this man?

Lorraine: Not yet

DBM: But you’ve spoken to him before?

Lorraine: Once on the phone

DBM: What did you talk about?

Lorraine: Nothing. She wanted me to say hello to her friend and I did.

DBM: Why is she passing him on to you?

Lorraine: She’s met someone younger and closer to her age that she really likes.

DBM: And the 52-year-old knows this?

Lorraine: Yes. I’ve always taught my daughter that anytime she’s no longer interested in dating a guy, she had to break up with him quickly rather than dragging the relationship on for months or years.

DBM: Is he single? As in, no one else in the world somewhere thinks they’re in an intimate or exclusive relationship with him?

Lorraine: Yes, my daughter confirmed that

DBM: Are you single?

Lorraine: I am single.

DBM: Are you interested in this man?

Lorraine: I want to get to know him. He seems like a great person.

DBM: Is he interested in knowing you?

Lorraine: Yes, I got a text message from him, asking me out on a date.

DBM: Has he any kids?

Lorraine: He has two grown boys.

DBM: I don’t see any wrong in this exploration, unless I’m missing something

Lorraine: I think I’m a bit skeptical because he has been interested in my daughter for three years

DBM: He likes them young

Lorraine: That’s my biggest fear, Dave.

DBM: You’re a young woman yourself. You don’t look 48

Lorraine: Thank you but I’m still concerned.

DBM: About?

Lorraine: His preference in age

DBM: Has he specifically told you or your daughter his desired preference?

Lorraine: No

DBM: So, ask him on the date

Lorraine: Ask him what?

DBM: If he finds you attractive. As sensitive a subject as it is, people’s preferences and motivations do vary, whether you like it or not. We all can’t go for the same things.

Lorraine: What if he doesn’t?

DBM: Then he doesn’t! Life goes on. There are a few things that would only come with age

Lorraine: Like?

DBM: Like hearing the heart of your mind in thoughts even before you utter a word. If you can command a man’s attention with your presence, you will have his attention on something else other than what he usually would go for. You have to look it, because sometimes it’s the look (for most men). For others, it’s the vibe they sense the moment you walk into the room.

Lorraine: It wouldn’t make him think I’m desperate if I ask the attraction question?

DBM: I mean, a degree of tact and caution is needed but read his countenance regardless, before deciding to ask. But it’s an important question you’d have to ask before returning home from the date.

Lorraine: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Lorraine: You really think I’m beautiful?

DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. Why, you don’t think you are?

Lorraine: Women my age have no chance competing with these young girls. The beauty standards of today are equated to looking and staying young.

DBM: You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re ageing gracefully. Some men do appreciate experience and maturity in a woman.

Lorraine: Dave, do you trust your gender?

DBM: No! A lot of the men out there are not being real. They’re busy playing roles and putting on spectacular shows to craft an image of perfection for you to fall for. Be in tune with your intuition at all times. That’s the only wake-up call to lead you right. Do not easily fall for their well-rehearsed lines that they feel would get them your needed applause. A lot of these guys looking all nice and important echo nothing short of hollowness. Do not be a victim to how they strategically would edit and revise their way into your heart. GOD made you smart, not desperate. Tap into your smart.

Lorraine: I like the way you talk to me, David.

DBM: Good to know. Keep me updated.

Lorraine: Ok. Bye

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

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