Update: Grandma’s Necklace

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Reba: David, I have an update for you. My grandmother’s gold necklace has been returned to me. Everything is intact and just as it was before my husband stole it from the safe. Thank you for letting me use your platform to vent.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh! That’s good news. He did the right thing returning it.

Reba: My husband didn’t bring it to me. It was the girl

DBM: Really?

Reba: Yes. She said she’s part of a women’s group on whatsapp and our conversation was shared by one of your followers for their group to discuss. She read the screenshots and immediately knew it was about her. She came to my office, apologized and handed it over.

DBM: She knows where you work?

Reba: I don’t know. My husband might have probably told her.

DBM: What’s going through your mind?

Reba: Dave, I am calling time on my marriage. It’s over. I am very glad that it’s not a difficult decision for me to call it quits because I make money on my own. I am financially independent and not bound to remain married to a cheat and a liar. He stole something precious from me and lied about it. That is to another level.

DBM: What he did was wrong but have you honestly assessed the basis for this decision you’re considering?

Reba: I wouldn’t want to go into detail telling everyone what he did, and so I will be stating irreconcilable differences in the marriage as my reason for divorce.

DBM: I see irreconcilable differences as a challenge for one to work on their marriage and not necessarily, a reason to breakup.

Reba: I don’t think you remember our conversation. My husband committed adultery and also stole from me. Those are serious issues and all the basis I need to divorce him.

DBM: True. I’m a bit sad because prior to you realizing the necklace had been taken, it seemed like everything was going on just fine between you two, no?

Reba: To me, yes, but he was having an affair I knew nothing of.

DBM: You’re right. If I’m ever going to consider divorcing my partner, I know for a fact I would prioritize spending time with my spouse to examine our attitudes about whatever our marital issues are, so we can determine whether or not any one person isn’t placing any undeserved blame on the other. Have you at least tried to have a conversation about repairing what could be broken in the marriage?

Reba: No.

DBM: Why not?

Reba: I don’t think I will ever be able to trust my husband again. I have no respect for him at this moment. It’s best we go our separate ways.

DBM: Do you foresee yourself and life being happy without your husband in it?

Reba: I am a very independent woman, David. I don’t think you realize that. I have prepared my finances such that, I will not be stressed managing my household on a single income. I have planned for my future and that of my children.

DBM: Let’s talk about the day-to-day lives and routine of the children. How is that going to be like?

Reba: I’m keeping one child. He is to keep the other. We both are going to raise a child on a single income, and arrange for them to either meet at my house or his during weekends, holidays and vacations, so they get to be together. I will not burden myself to take full custody of our children, knowing their father is alive and healthy. He needs to also be a parent to one.

DBM: You’re funny. Most women don’t think this way.

Reba: I do.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Reba: I don’t want to revisit the past.

DBM: But was it a good past? That’s what I am intending to understand. This question helps me to always bring meaning to my story with my partner.

Reba: It was a beautiful past. Dave, you’re getting me all emotional. I didn’t come to your inbox to chat. I was just coming to give an update. I’ve got to go.

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Reba: What?

DBM: Are you at peace about your decision to want out of the marriage?

Reba: Yes

DBM: Are you at peace about yourself?

Reba: I am at peace about myself.

DBM: Are you at peace about going through the next chapter of your life on your own terms?

Reba: Yes.

DBM: Okay!

Reba: I almost forgot the juiciest part of the story.

DBM: There’s honey to it too?

Reba: Lol. Before the girl left my office, she asked if any part of me didn’t love my husband, she was begging me to set him free so she can have him. Because every part of her body loves him.

DBM: No!

Reba: Yes

DBM: Hell to the no!

Reba: Lol. Yes, Dave.

DBM: Oh-la-la! The savior of the lover boy has arrived. She’s come to save his heart with her love.

Reba: That was the one thing she said that made me like her. Girl knows what she wants. Lol.

Image Credit: Laark Studio

Once In A Lifetime

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Thom: Marriage is not an easy decision to commit yourself exclusively to, David, but I have been happily married to a woman I am not ashamed to be upset, insecure, temperamental, win, fail, be scared, happy, unsure, certain or honest with when I am in her presence. My wife agreed to marry me 34 years ago and thankfully, our connection has been developing naturally and is never forced at any point. I am always slowing down. That has been the key to my successful marriage. My walk with my wife since embarking on this journey, three decades ago has been at a slow pace, one day at a time to draw our attention to the fact that, we’re at least moving, even if not as fast. My marriage is not for show. I don’t need to convince people that I am happy with my wife. Who cares, if you’re not living under our roof 24/7 to be a witness to it?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You’re speaking my language Sir.

Thom: Dave, for 34 years my wife and I have built trust. We have in our snail pace also tested the frequency and intensity of our intimacy. I saw my father love my mother slowly but surely for 49 years and that has been my motivation since I became an adult. I want to be a good lover and I want my wife to enjoy sex with me. And because I want my wife to be satisfied in bed at all times, I am not in a hurry to rush the process. My wife knows she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and I remind her of that every day. My father was constantly affirming my mother’s beauty even though our neighbour’s wife was way prettier than my mom. What am I trying to say? Because I am choosing to make my wife my world’s most beautiful woman ever, I have not had the time to be interested in making another woman’s beauty the center of my attention or attraction. One advise my father gave to me on our wedding day was to appreciate my wife and care about what is important to her. What is important to my wife is synonymously linked to her feelings. Caring about what is important to her is to care about her feelings. That is why for 34 years, our marriage hasn’t been a struggle. I do not dismiss or ignore my wife’s needs and feelings. I honor them. I keep her safe. Emotionally she’s safe with me. Physically, she’s safe with me. Financially, she knows I’ve got her and the family we have built together covered.

DBM: This is a healthy conversation. I am smiling and willing to learn.

Thom: I smiled and learned from my dad, what it takes to be a good husband. Dave, I lost my job and was unemployed for almost six years. Guess who stood in the gab to return a favor to keep me safe emotionally, physically and financially?

DBM: Your wife

Thom: Yes. A wife will prioritize your well-being above all else if you prioritize hers above everything else. She has loved me for who I am and it has not been about what I have done for her, because I love her for who she is to me. She knows she matters to me, that is why I can be comfortable with the idea of helping my wife at home. I help with chores. I helped with the children aside taking on the financial responsibility of their wellbeing. Because my wife didn’t feel burdened at home after work, she had the interest to initiate sex from time to time. Dave, I love sex, so when I see my wife initiating intimacy with me, boy oh boy, it means the world to me.

DBM: How relevant is sex to a man?

Thom: The question should be, how relevant is sex in a marriage. Marriage is made up of the two people involved, and not just one man’s sexual drive. My wife has needs too, that’s why I am intentional on doing things to take the stress off her, so she can have space to tap into her need for intimacy. She needs to trust me to enjoy sex with me. We have built a healthy sex life with one experience after the other. And I prove myself to my wife every day, in the smallest ways.

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves you this much?

Thom: I’ve asked her this question before. She told me she loves me because I make her feel like she’s a part of our marriage as a team. She doesn’t feel dominated or controlled. We talk about important things together as equals. We make plans for our family together. We lead our family with love and respect. She knows she’s not doing this marriage thing alone. I feel I am not alone in the marriage too. I understand my wife’s needs.

DBM: Can we ever know a person we’re in love with that well?

Thom: My answer would be no, based on my own experience with my wife. After all these years, there are still some things I haven’t learned about her, even though I can confidently say I know almost every little detail about her.

DBM: Is love enough to make a marriage work?

Thom: I know what is enough in my marriage. I have a deep-rooted admiration for my wife and wife alone. She has a genuine admiration for me too. Love is not what is sustaining my marriage. God is. Prayer together with my wife is what is sustaining my marriage. Friendship with my wife is sustaining our marriage. Because the love we have for each other comes alive every day, it evolves with the changing times. What it used to be isn’t always going to be what it is today. What it wasn’t yesterday could be what it should become for us today. Our love evolves with time. I don’t always make my wife happy; she doesn’t always make me want to fall in love with her but I am committed to her all the way. I have never lost respect for the woman she is. She has so much respect for me too. That is why I don’t want to do anything to lose her respect because I might never get it back.

DBM: Let me guess, you’ve not cheated on her?

Thom: I have not and do not have any intentions to lose the respect my wife has for me.

DBM: Respect

Thom: It’s everything gold. When your choices are not judged by your spouse, you know how much they respect you. When your independence isn’t encroached by a spouse, you know they respect you. That is why I respect myself enough not to mess things up. Also, my wife and I talk about everything. I used to hear my parents discussing everything. It felt like there were no secrets between them. There are no secrets in our marriage.

DBM: Well, secrets have a way of dividing two people. I concur.

Thom: If something is bothering any of us, we say it as it. We don’t find sarcastic ways to mock or troll each other to make a point. I married Aku because I knew she was good enough for me. And if something is good enough, you don’t want to change it because you think you have changed. I could not have been one hundred percent sure of the woman I was marrying, 34 years ago. Of course, I knew who she was that fateful day at the altar, but I couldn’t have known who she was going to grow to become in 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years’ time. That is why I had to psyche myself to prepare for the unexpected in the land of the unknown. I had to be willing to find admiration for my wife, regardless of … You get the point, Dave?

DBM: I do.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Taking A Chance On Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyrone: Are you free to talk David?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please. How are you doing?

Tyrone: I’m good. Thank you

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Tyrone: I am a married man. We’ve been together for 20 years. We met on KNUST campus. I remember my whole world changing when she first walked into our lecture hall and sat right next to me. She asked of my name and our first conversation started. We’ve been talking every single day since then.

DBM: ‘Been together’, meaning married for?

Tyrone: Yes

DBM: Good for you!

Tyrone: Lately, I’ve been developing affection and care towards someone else.

DBM: Who?

Tyrone: A very good friend of mine.

DBM: Does your wife know her?

Tyrone: No

DBM: How did you first meet?

Tyrone: It’s a him

DBM: A man?

Tyrone: A man.

DBM: I see.

Tyrone: Are you surprised?

DBM: Nope! It’s a subject I find delight in discussing.

Tyrone: We’ve not done anything physical yet but we’ve established the fact that there is this intense chemistry between us. My emotions have been completely caught off-guard. At first, I thought something was wrong with my marriage.

DBM: Is something wrong with your marriage?

Tyrone: No.

DBM: Are you a homosexual?

Tyrone: If you had asked me this question last year, I would have said no. Now, I don’t have a clear answer to that question.

DBM: Have you been with, or been attracted to the same sex before?

Tyrone: This is my first time experiencing such a romantic connection towards a man. So, no.

DBM: Have you been with any other woman since you married your wife?

Tyrone: No, but I had been dating women prior to my wife and I making a serious commitment to one another.

DBM: So, for 20 years, you’ve not known any other woman or person but your wife?

Tyrone: Precisely.

DBM: Okay! I commend you on that. Well done!

Tyrone: Thanks.

DBM: Is your friend single?

Tyrone: Yes, divorced.

DBM: Do you have any childhood recollection of you ever being overly, fond of a boy or man?

Tyrone: I had a science teacher in JS 1 that I thought was beautiful in a funny way. I liked the way he dressed and how his trousers fit his back cheeks tightly.

DBM: Are you homophobic?

Tyrone: I used to be. I had issues with anyone who identified as gay. Probably because I was indirectly battling an internal struggle, I wasn’t aware of.

DBM: What kind of ‘struggle’?

Tyrone: I wouldn’t call it a struggle per se. I don’t know, Dave. I can’t explain.

DBM: Let’s go on an imaginary excursion

Tyrone: Okay. Where to?

DBM: The beach. We’re feeling the salty taste of the air. We can feel the wind on our cheeks. Are you feeling it?

Tyrone: I am, yes.

DBM: We’ve been given four hours with nothing to do but to relax and enjoy the sound of the waves crashing so hard onto the shore. How is the feeling like?

Tyrone: Calming. I feel happy where I am

DBM: Good! We hear men and women breaking out into the sun by the sea. You open your eyes. What/who are you looking at?

Tyrone: I see all the people and can touch their excitement

DBM: Where is your attention focused at this moment, while staring at the people walking on the beach?

Tyrone: I’m checking both the men and women out.

DBM: Which of the sexes is your attention more drawn to?

Tyrone: I like the ladies in their bikinis. I like the shirtless men in shape and in wet shorts.

DBM: Which gender are you gravitating towards, sexually?

Tyrone: Both

DBM: You wouldn’t mind tapping both asses?

Tyrone: I would tap that of the ladies I am attracted to first, and then explore with the men who find me attractive.

DBM: Is it a maybe sort of, exploration or a definite tap?

Tyrone: The men?

DBM: Yeah!

Tyrone: Definite tap.

DBM: Still on the beach…

Tyrone: I’m here

DBM: You’re not married in this scenario. Your wife shows up as a single woman, walking her dog. Whatever feelings you think you feel towards her surfaces in your heart. The very good male friend you’re developing affection and care towards is jogging shirtless in see-through soaked shorts. Whatever you think you feel for him is on your mind’s eye. Who are you going to approach and invite home?

Tyrone: Invite home for what?

DBM: Knowing you, knowing me; dinner, maybe sex; waking up next to in bed the following morning.

Tyrone: I can’t take both?

DBM: No! The option is to take one home for today.

Tyrone: And I can take the other home the next?

DBM: Maybe, yeah!

Tyrone: I will take the guy home first.

DBM: Why?

Tyrone: My desire to want to explore with him is a living, breathing something that I cannot explain. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. I do, though our marital sex life isn’t that active anymore. Being with this guy may allow me to have more sex.

DBM: I know you love your wife. You don’t have to explain yourself. The attraction you feel towards the guy, is it only sexual?

Tyrone: No. I want his love. I want his affection. I want his friendship. But I want to experience pleasure without always having to be in control, like when I am with a woman. I want to connect with him in a sexual way and still feel masculine. Am I a bad person for feeling the way I feel?

DBM: There are people who are not ready to have or accept a new definition of yourself. They would probably be the ones to judge you. I don’t judge you. You’re coming into this part of your identity because another person awakened it someway, somehow. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you any lesser of a human. There is no shame in noticing someone other than your wife. Do you want my honest opinion?

Tyrone: That’s why I am here, Dave.

DBM: If whatever feelings you’re developing towards this man is starting to seep heavily into your thoughts, then I would admonish you to consider bringing it to your wife’s attention. You need to tell her the truth so she can be in the known, but most importantly, help you share this concern. If you can do this, it will be a tell on your character: that you are honest and true. That you have courage and enough humility to be weak.

Tyrone: I can’t tell my wife about this, sorry.

DBM: Why not?

Tyrone: Dave, I can’t. It will destroy her trust in me. It will be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

DBM: Then you’re not willing to do the work that it takes to keep a marriage healthy, transparent and vulnerable.

Tyrone: I’m willing to do the work, but I can’t tell her something like this.

DBM: How do you stay true to your wife while, at the same time, feeding another affection developing elsewhere?

Tyrone: I don’t want to deny myself the feelings he’s bringing out of me.

Image Credit: PNW Production

If Dogs Run Free

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Obed: One of my greatest nightmares just happened to me. My 10yr old son walked in on his mother and I having sex.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): The bedroom door wasn’t locked?

Obed: I thought I locked it.

DBM: Was the bedroom door locked?

Obed: No. I was slightly tipsy but I swear I closed it.

DBM: How much of everything did he see?

Obed: That’s the problem, we do not know how long he had been standing there.

DBM: How is your relationship like with him?

Obed: We’re close but he’s very close to his mother.

DBM: What was his reaction?

Obed: He looked confused and in shock. His mouth was wide open. And I think he had a hard-on

DBM: He was turned on? I don’t believe you. How is a kid turned on by his mother’s nakedness?

Obed: Believe me David. His junk was upstanding and hard.

DBM: Oh la-la!

Obed: I know, it’s bad

DBM: What was your reaction?

Obed: I yelled at him of course, and I was a bit furious.

DBM: But why? Yelling at him only makes the situation weirder for him. When was this?

Obed: Saturday

DBM: And at what time did this happen?

Obed: I’d say, around 12:30 am

DBM: So, he should have been asleep by then?

Obed: Yes and no.

DBM: Meaning?

Obed: The weekends are usually left for them play and sleep at any time.

DBM: So, at what time do they go to bed on Saturdays?

 

Obed: 12ish

DBM: They stay up late doing what?

Obed: Watching TV, cartoons, movies or playing video games

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Obed: 3

DBM: Was he the only one in sight watching the freak show?

Obed: Yes

DBM: Were the other kids asleep by then?

Obed: We didn’t check but he was the only one standing in the doorway. These questions feel like I’m in kindergarten.

DBM: So, there is a probability they might have also witnessed it but chose not to stay, no?

Obed: I don’t think they were awake.

DBM: Have you spoken to your son about Saturday’s incident?

Obed: Not yet. I don’t think I would.

DBM: Why not?

Obed: I don’t know where to start. Lol. Also, he’s a boy. He will grow up to understand what’s up for men.

DBM: Does your household have any sort of established boundaries that allow for say, privacy?

Obed: Yes. They know they’re supposed to knock on our bedroom door before entering.

DBM: You can start a conversation with him from there. You need to know why he overstepped that boundary.

Obed: My wife thinks we shouldn’t talk to him about it because he’s going to forget about it

DBM: Forget about what? Have you two not been 10-year-olds before? Do you honestly think he’s going to forget about what he knows he saw?

Obed: What should be the best approach?

DBM: Has he said anything about it since?

Obed: No

DBM: He’s not asked what you two were doing?

Obed: No. Lol

DBM: He’s not acting weird, withdrawn, quiet, etc.?

Obed: Something felt off yesterday when we were driving to church. They’re usually active and talking or disturbing us but all three were very well mannered and quiet in the car.

DBM: Those kids, saw every nasty thing you did to their mother.

Obed: You are not making this any easier on me, Dave

DBM: You need to sit all three down.

Obed: Lol

DBM: You keep laughing, what’s funny? They understand what sex is, no?

Obed: I think so

DBM: Have you broached that topic to them?

Obed: Not yet

DBM: Do you think they know what sex is?

Obed: Yes.

DBM: You need to explain to them your need for privacy. In fact, let’s role-play: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. That’s ridiculous

DBM: Were you having sex with mummy?

Obed: Lol. Dave, drop it. Let’s get serious

DBM: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. Let it go. Lol

DBM: Daddy

Obed: Yes

DBM: What were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Your mother and I were having sex

DBM: Eeeew!

Obed: Roland, why didn’t you knock on the door before opening it?

DBM: But daddy, your door wasn’t locked.

Obed: Dave, what am I supposed to say if indeed the bedroom door wasn’t locked?

DBM: You need to take responsibility if you forgot to locked the door.

Obed: Wow. This parenting thing is no joke.

DBM: You need to also apologize for yelling at him.

Obed: I will not do that. He should have known better

DBM: No, you should have known better.

Obed: Please don’t act shocked at what I am about to say next

DBM: Oo-oh! What did you do?

Obed: It wasn’t their mother I was having sex with

DBM: Huh?

Obed: We’re separated and in the process of filing for divorce

DBM: I don’t care about that. Who were you having sex with?

Obed: My girlfriend

DBM: And, he had to witness that?

Obed: Hmm

DBM: Do they know this lady?

Obed: No

DBM: Where are the kids now?

Obed: With their mother. They came to spend the weekend with me

DBM: And you couldn’t suspend a meet-up with your girlfriend to spend time with your children?

Obed: It wasn’t a planned thing

DBM: Your son is not psychologically prepared for such a responsibility to be carrying the weight of what you have subjected him to. Have you informed his mother about what happened?

Obed: No

DBM: When do you intend telling her?

Obed: Do I have to?

DBM: What is the one experience you wish you could give to your son?

Obed: I don’t understand your question.

DBM: How old are you?

Obed: 38

Image Credit: REAFON GATES

Fixing A Hole

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Wendy: Dave, should I concern myself about the kinds of friends my husband keep?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know these friends of his personally?

Wendy: No, but something inside me doesn’t trust them to keep him safe.

DBM: Does he feel safe around them?

Wendy: I think so

DBM: Safety is a knowing. It’s a conviction. If he’s convinced in his spirit that hanging out with them feels right, then let him.

Wendy: But what if he doesn’t see what I’m seeing?

DBM: What do you see? Because whatever your intentions are should not rub off negatively on him.

Wendy: I don’t want his character to be corrupted. My husband is a good man, Dave. I fear he will change

DBM: If he’s a good man, let him be his good self even amongst bad company. Good character stands out and does not blend in. Trying to keep someone safe out of fear or insecurity sometimes feels like manipulation.

Wendy: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I just told you what I would have done.

Wendy: You just told me theoretically, what you would have done. Be practical with me

DBM: I would show him that I trust his decision-making and thought processes, and expect the best outcome. If he’s a good man as you claim, then that’s exactly what he would be and do: Good, by himself and by you. He wouldn’t want to disappoint you.

Wendy: If you say so

DBM: Give him the space he needs

Wendy: To spend time with his friends. Ok.

DBM: Well, he’s supposed to have a life of his own outside of you and the children, no?

Wendy: I hear.

DBM: Is that all that is on your mind?

Wendy: No.

DBM: What’s left?

Wendy: How do I let him understand that I get tired handling household chores and the kids all by myself.

DBM: Whoever asked you to be doing everything around the house by yourself?

Wendy: Dave, I’m a wife. He expects these to be done by me but I am tired of cooking, cleaning, washing, attending to the kids etc. It’s too much stress. I work and come home to more work.

DBM: Then stop stressing yourself. Stop doing it all by yourself. There should be enough room for your husband to also step up and be responsible at home. Attend to what is important to you and leave the rest to him to figure out. Take care of your own self because no one else would.

Wendy: You make it sound so simple

DBM: You just told me your husband is a good man. A decent man knows when to step up to add to your happiness. In my home, I support my partner with household chores. Unless I’m overseas and not physically present at home; I help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, I wash dirty dishes as and when, and take out trash. Yes, somebody has to get it done but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your sole responsibility. Do not put house chores on your shoulder because you are a wife.  A man who genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing comes through for you – because at the back of his mind, he knows and understands that, nothing makes him happier than seeing you happy. Question is, are you happy?

Wendy: No. I will come back with update.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Brand New Man

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Marcus: Hi Dave. I am in my second marriage. The first was to my childhood sweetheart. We were together for 9 years but later realized we weren’t a good match. My ex-wife was unhappy in the marriage. We forced to be together due to the fear of being alone, and on my part, the shame. But we knew we both felt stuck. It wasn’t a satisfying marriage. The friendship was tight, it’s still tight. We are better as good friends; we’ve come to now realize that.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Kids?

Marcus: O yes, we have two. But I have three in my second marriage.

DBM: How long have you been married in your second chapter?

Marcus: 15 years

DBM: What finally made you part ways with your childhood sweetheart?

Marcus: We started to dislike each other and I realized our actions were harming our children more than our fear of a divorce could. My wife was accepting how bad I was treating her. I was enduring her silence and avoidance. We talked to each other anyhow, most of the time, not in the presence of the children but they felt it. They felt the tension and hate between us in the house. It was detrimental. What made me take the bold decision to file was when I saw my 7-year-old daughter accepting insults and beatings from her 8-year-old brother. I was not physically abusing their mother but they had been witnesses to us accepting each other’s bad behavior, and I think that was what was making her accept the same from her brother. I didn’t want that for her future relationships with guys or in her marriage.

DBM: How are the kids doing today?

Marcus: Perfect. They’re excelling in school and living their best lives. They love how cordial their mother and I have suddenly become. They love the peace between their two different households. The fact that my relationship with their mother didn’t work out didn’t mean it had to also affect the family we once were. Divorce isn’t pretty. It cost me an arm and leg, but it was a necessary lesson and sacrifice, though painful, to teach my children. I did everything I could, including putting in the work to try and salvage what felt like a loveless marriage.

DBM: In as much as I would like to grow into old age together with my partner until we both pass, if it ever should get to that point where I know our marriage hasn’t got any more fights left, I’d leave.

Marcus: That was the point I got to, Dave. But I thank my ex-wife for our years together. It wasn’t always as bad. As I mentioned from the beginning, she will always be the love of my life. I’ve learnt what not to do to my wife and I am a very happy man today. My wife and I have our days of disagreements and fights but I make sure not to point fingers at, or place any blames on her. I don’t have to ‘win’ in an argument anymore. I read one of your conversations with the guys and you were telling him, in your marriage, your focus as a couple during arguments is on your connection and not the power one lords over the other. That’s one lesson I learned from my first marriage. I wasn’t doing that with my ex-wife, and that became a huge challenge for us. In this new phase of my lifelong commitment to my wife on this journey of uncertainty, I am learning to do way better than expected of me.

DBM: Good for you!

Marcus: I’m trying to remember why I reached out to you. Damn, I’ve forgotten the reason.

DBM: Lol! It’s all good.

Marcus: This is serious Charley. I can’t remember o.

DBM: That’s okay! You can always come back to continue with the chat.

Marcus: Damn…

DBM: It’s all good!

Marcus: Anyway, thank you for all that you’re using your Facebook to do for free. Some of us are learning.

DBM: It’s a learning platform for me too.

Marcus: Bro. this marriage thing isn’t child’s play but some of us are willing to stay true to our vows, “For better, for worse”. We don’t commit and become good husbands only for the good stuff. That wouldn’t be a genuine commitment. I agreed to go the long haul with my wife, and I am willing to reach the highest peak and climb the tallest mountain with her by my side. And the lowest valleys, we will descend together. So far, I’m proud to say our marriage and relationship has grown and become deep and beautiful. We have a wonderful friendship too. My wife and I do not have a lot in common but we get along just fine.

DBM: I’m happy for you. Is your ex-wife married?

Marcus: Yes. I’ve never seen her that happy. I wasn’t the one meant for her. I am so glad she did not waste her heart to stay in our stagnant marriage. It’s nice to sometimes brave the unfamiliar territories.

Image Credit: PNW Production

A Piece Of My Thoughts

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I’ve been following the court case/sentencing/verdict reading of Latoshia Daniels, who killed her pastor Brodes Perry. The jury found her guilty and was charged with first degree murder. Facing the rest of your life in prison isn’t cute. It’s rather unfortunate but this is what really caught my attention; her reasons for doing what she did, “He broke my heart”. That was her excuse.

So, Latoshia had been married and divorced twice. The two ex-husbands were behaving typically like what most/some men do, entertaining other women on the side and lying about it. Now, it was taking her a bit of time to recover from the betrayal of her ex-husband, and so she decided to try a new route: church. She joined this new church and built a healthy community sort-of. To the extent that, she became one of the church’s small group leaders. Latoshia was a mental health professional. In that small group she led was the late pastor Brodes Perry. He was an Associate pastor at the church. Perry was married and also handled part of the youth ministry in the church.

He built friendship with Ms. Daniels because she seemed to be loved by most of the people in the church. Over time, Latoshia found trust in their friendship, and decided one day to share her life’s experience with Brodes. Including details about her past marriages. The second time they met in the office, Pastor Perry told her he had been trying his darndest best not to cross the lines with her but couldn’t, and so he kissed her and they ended up making out in the office for the first time. The act, Latoshia claims confused her.

That was the beginning of their relationship. Prior to them officially beginning with what Pastor Brodes termed an Ethical non-monogamy relationship, he had rules, that according to him, all the women in his life followed. An indirect contractual agreement. She was not supposed to approach him in public because he would probably be with another woman, or his wife. She was not supposed to have any clothes on anytime it was her turn to meet with him in a room. He would give stipends as and when he deemed fit and wasn’t supposed to expect it. I read a comment from another young lady who allegedly was also involved with Brodes, that the ladies were at liberty to gift him any and everything, but he wasn’t obliged to reciprocate. And because he was a married man, he wasn’t going to marry any of the women he was dealing with. The rules and conditions were many, but these are the ones I am choosing to highlight.

Latoshia, unfortunately, fell in love with this man and started to do a lot for him to notice her. She spent money and gifts on him. In as much as she knew she was doing the wrong thing dating a married man, she believed herself to be a good woman, smart, and decent. According to her account, the head pastor at the church knew about her relationship with Pastor Perry, and nothing was said/done about it; meaning… (You can fill in the blanks). Yhup! A boy child will only follow or do what he sees his father do.

Why did she kill pastor Brodes? According to her, his behavior and communication was undermining her well-being and happiness. He manipulated her, had no respect for her or her boundaries during intimacy, and would emotionally, physically or psychologically harm her – depending on his mood swings. He constantly dismissed her feelings and it was diminishing her self-esteem over time. He disregarded her needs and would only prioritize his own desires without regard for mutual respect or compromise. His control and dominance over her and the other women were deliberate and it broke something in her to push her into pulling the trigger.

It’s sad that she allowed the foolishness of a man to make her act foolish. Any relationship that is putting fire in your belly, or making your gut feeling uncomfortable is a sign to take a back seat, and learn everything you can about the person you’re dealing with. His behavior will someway, somehow escalate from toxicity to abuse; especially men who talk to, or about women anyhow. If he’s criticizing your opinions or choices the least chance he gets, it simply means a day is coming – he may eventually resort to some form of severe abuse, which, if you’re not careful, may tempt you to react in a manner you’re not ready for.

Do not subject yourself to any form of disrespect, all in the name of love. Love is supposed to be kind to you. Kind in words. Kind in actions. Kind in deeds.

A piece of my thought.

David Bondze-Mbir

Always Say Goodbye

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Papa Yaw (PY): Hello David, how are you doing?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. Doing alright! You?

PY: I’m not bad. Quite overwhelmed. It’s been long

DBM: It’s been a while. Glad to know you’re fine.

PY: I feel like marriage isn’t for me. And I feel bad about it.

DBM: Argh! Not you too?

PY: Are you disappointed?

DBM: Well, I remember you telling me nice things about your wife in the past, no?

PY: Yes

DBM: So, what changed? Why aren’t you cut for it now?

PY: I don’t hold any resentment toward her, though I admit some of her actions have influenced my decision not to pursue marriage again. Ultimately, this is more about self-awareness. I have come to realize that I thrive better on my own than within the bounds of marriage. There are times I simply crave solitude, no distractions, no noise, just the peace to focus on my work to take care of the people in my life. My child, wife and siblings.

DBM: That is understandable. Is this not a conversation to be had and respected? Have you drawn her attention to your need for space?

PY: She doesn’t seem to grasp it, and she’s deeply focused on marriage, believing everything must revolve around it. I’ve tried to help her understand that my feelings have changed despite all our efforts to make things work. My desire now is simply to be alone, not because I am involved with someone else, I’m not. When I met her, I believed she needed guidance and support to grow and elevate herself, and I thought I could play a role in helping her achieve that. I genuinely felt we could have accomplished this without being married. I entered the relationship with compassion and a desire to uplift her and in hindsight, that was my misstep. I created an environment where she could feel secure and cared for, providing everything from our living arrangements to gadgets, money and conveniences that would make life easier. But over time, I realized she wasn’t ready to grow in the way I had hoped. Considering my aspirations and current path, it became clear she couldn’t keep pace. I’ve done everything within my power to support her.

DBM: Let’s go back to the beginning of this: you made a promise. You vowed before GOD and witnesses to have and to hold, from that day forward. For better, for worse. To love and to cherish. What did you mean by that?

PY: Okay David, so when I made that vow, I meant it sincerely in that moment. I believed in the commitment and the promises I was making. But over time, people grow and circumstances change. My intention was never to take that vow lightly or to break it carelessly. I entered the marriage hoping we could grow together, support each other, and elevate each other’s lives. (Though I wasn’t expecting her to do much for me). I gave it my all, creating an environment where she could feel secure and supported. However, I have realized that our paths, aspirations, and readiness to grow are no longer aligned. My commitment to my family and my responsibilities remains, but I have come to understand that my personal well-being and the kind of life I need now require me to be alone. This isn’t about abandoning my vows out of malice, instead, it’s about recognizing reality and being honest with myself and with her.

DBM: So, your vow was merely an ambition? Would it be fair for me to assume that?

PY: No David, it wasn’t merely an ambition. At the time, my vow was genuine and heartfelt. I truly intended to honor it. But life is not static, people grow, circumstances evolve, and sometimes the reality of a relationship reveals truths that were not apparent at the start. My commitment was real, but over time I have realized that our paths and aspirations are no longer aligned. Recognizing that doesn’t diminish the sincerity of my vow, it simply reflects the honest reality I now face. Or what do you think?

DBM: When I made the decision to settle down in marriage, it wasn’t to celebrate a love I thought I had found. I got married to declare a genuine love I had/still have for my partner. It was to promise a love I believed in. We make promises because as committed as we sometimes feel in our best and great days when in love, we may want to leave someday. And because marriage is a whole lot of work, if we are easily moved to abandon our promise when it does not serve our best interest anymore, we prove the vows made weren’t really coming from our best of intentions. It was not a promise to be kept, but rather another formal way to get what we wanted. Question is, what did you really want from your partner?

PY: David, the truth is I wasn’t expecting anything from her in return. My intention was to support her growth and help her elevate herself, to be happier and better than when I first met her. Along the way, I communicated clearly about boundaries and expectations, things like maintaining appropriate distance with family members, respecting personal space, and not sharing everything indiscriminately. Unfortunately, she consistently went against these guidelines, having conversations with one family member and then discussing them with another. While I value family, boundaries are essential, and I needed her to respect that. I also did everything I could to make life easier and provide opportunities for her. I bought appliances i would not buy on a normal day. From advanced washing and drying machine, automatic ironing and folding machines, a dishwasher, and even equipped a shop for her business. I brought in clients from my network, including politicians and classmates from my master’s and doctorate programs, because I genuinely wanted her to succeed. Despite my efforts, her actions repeatedly undermined the environment I tried to create. Over time, I realized that continuing in the marriage no longer made sense for me. It wasn’t a lack of effort or care; it was a recognition of reality and the misalignment between our paths.

DBM: If your wife never changed a thing about herself, would you be happy with her?

PY: I think Yes. I only hoped for growth, for effort, and for a willingness to evolve alongside me. A relationship requires both people to move forward together, without that, it’s difficult to build something meaningful or lasting. I don’t mean to be defensive of my plans. I am here because I want to listen to what you also think, and I don’t mind if it’s the harsh truth.

DBM: If you knew you could get the right help (marriage therapy), would that even matter to you?

PY: David, we have gone through this several times. Our issue has even gotten to one of the most popular men of God in the country. Someone I respect.

DBM: And, in your mode of communication with wifey, do you make the issue about what you want or it’s rather about what is wrong with her?

PY: Truthfully initially, I used to communicate the issue as what is wrong with her. It changed to what I want now. She will go above and beyond to keep the marriage though she’s not happy as well. It’s been a year and 5 months of no intimacy. This is how serious it is. In the early days, I made a mistake and had an affair due to a lack of excitement, but I ended it after a few months and have not been involved with anyone since now over two years and counting.

DBM: I was about to ask who is singing into and riding on the mic now.

PY:

DBM: How is your conflict resolution like at home? In our house, we want our relationship to always win, even in a heated argument or disagreement. It’s not about me winning. It’s not about my partner winning. But rather to come to a resolution where both feel satisfied with the final outcome after the ‘fight’.

PY: Truthfully, we haven’t come up with one. When there is tension, everyone does what they want. No abuse though. I just do my responsibilities.

DBM: I have heard everything you’ve said. And I appreciate you for putting in the effort the best way you know how. Are you willing to continue putting in the effort and intention to grow with your wife, or you feel it would be a waste of your time?

PY: David, I honestly don’t want it anymore. My problem is how to go about it.

DBM: Tell her you want out of the relationship. She knows you have given her and the marriage your best effort. You should feel good about bringing it to an end. Whatever purpose brought you into her life has been fulfilled. She needs to acknowledge that and make this process less stressful.

PY: I will do that David. I will try my best. And thank you for your time. I really appreciate it.

Image Credit: August de Richelieu

Divorce Song

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lydia: David, do you remember me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): ………., hey! How are you doing?

Lydia: Fine here. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Oh wow! I’m surprised to see you here.

Lydia: It’s difficult getting your attention. I’ve been messaging you since 2023.

DBM: I am just realizing that. So sorry. Sometimes, I’m unable to keep up with the inbox messages. It can be overwhelming.

Lydia: You seem to be doing very well

DBM: We are managing. We can only thank GOD. What have you been up to?

Lydia: A lot has happened to me. Are you going to make this chat public?

DBM: It depends on you. Would you want it shared?

Lydia: You mentioned my name in your first response. Can you delete that part so I remain anonymous? I don’t want some of our mates to put 2 and 2 together.

DBM: Sure, I will do that. What’s up?

Lydia: This marriage thingy isn’t favoring me

DBM: Why do you say that?

Lydia: I cannot recognize who I am anymore. Also, I feel like I don’t have a voice of my own.

DBM: At what point did you start realizing that?

Lydia: In the early years. Second year, I think.

DBM: You have kids?

Lydia: Yes. The marriage isn’t serving my best interest, Dave.

DBM: Well, marriage isn’t necessarily about you, you know!

Lydia: It takes two to make it work. I know that.

DBM: Yes, but I tend to look at marriage through a different kind of lens. It’s not entirely about you. It is about your partner. It is about what you bring to him. It’s not supposed to be about you and what you are to be getting from him. It’s the very same way your husband is supposed to be doing marriage with you; it’s not about him, but you. His focus should be on what he brings to you to make you feel at home and at peace with yourself and with him.

Lydia: I’ve given too much of myself to him and our marriage already, and I’m tired of being the glue keeping us together. He verbally abuses me. I am damaged emotionally, Dave.

DBM: That is domestic abuse. It’s not a good thing. What do you think is making him behave that way towards you?

Lydia: You know I was completely unaware that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage? It took him verbally abusing me to wake up to what I am being faced with. I don’t know why my husband hates me so much, Dave. I have done everything every supportive wife would do. He started making advances towards our house help. She drew my attention to his bad behaviour. Initially, I was doubting her and suspecting she probably was the one interested in him. She recorded a conversation my husband wanted to have with her while she was in the kitchen cooking. I questioned him about it after listening to her phone recording and he denied it. One day, I heard the help insulting him. I rushed to the kitchen and my husband was pretending to be drunk. He touched the lady’s breast and she slapped him. She also told me he wasn’t drunk. He had just had a sip from his glass of wine. He asked her to leave our house but I insisted she stayed.

DBM: Why did you want her to stay?

Lydia: She helps with the kids and keeps our home tidy. My husband and I have a busy work schedule. We cannot afford to lose her. My husband is in such a complete denial that he is unable to see how damaging his behaviour is to me. He insults me even in the presence of the help.

DBM: People only do publicly what they’ve already done privately.

Lydia: I think it’s come to that time for me to check out of this marriage

DBM: If you two are talking back at each at each other more often than not, then I feel it’s time to do some retrospection.

Lydia: I’ve already reflected, Dave. It’s time to go our separate ways. Lately, I’ve been fantasizing about what my life would be like if we lived apart. I do not respect him anymore.

DBM: If you no longer have respect for him, then I think the foundation to rebuild the marriage is lost, unfortunately. Not every man is a good fit to do marriage with.

Lydia: My husband is not a good fit. Things I would never have tolerated from any other man, he’s done to me and gotten away with it. He is a serial cheat and a liar. And he keeps pretending that everything he’s done to me never happened.

DBM: That’s their favorite to-go-to anthem: everything they said or did to break you never happened. It wasn’t them. To the best of their knowledge, it is all in your head. Thank GOD you know better and want out of it. There are children involved in this, so I might have to ask you for the last time: Are you certain that pulling this plug is the best thing for you to do?

Lydia: Yes, David. He is very controlling and has made very huge decisions with our finances and other things without ever talking to me about it. I had to find out from documents he had stashed from me. I’ve lost any romantic interest for him. He is very mean to me privately but in public, always putting on a lovely show. The lack of respect from both parties also makes me want to bring it to a close.

DBM: So, if you’re to look back, say, five years from now, there will be no regretting your decision to cut this line – because you know you at least, tried harder to make things work out between you two?

Lydia: There will be no regrets.

DBM: Where is your husband now?

Lydia: He moved out 9 weeks ago.

DBM: What do you believe is your contributing part to the failure of this marriage?

Lydia: I think our, so I claim my part of the maturity level to sustain a healthy marriage wasn’t up there. We sometimes couldn’t calmly talk to each other about pressing issues.

DBM: Was marriage therapy ever brought to the table?

Lydia: Yes, but he wasn’t willing to talk about our issues with another person. He doesn’t want people pin-pointing his mistakes and errors.

DBM: Do you feel, to the best of your recollection, you have honored your husband enough?

Lydia: David, even though he would occasionally talk down on me, belittle me and make me feel like I am the worst mother and wife, I showed him respect, love and grace.

DBM: I hope the two of you have come to the conclusion that the children come first until they are raised, regardless of whatever you two are fighting or going to argue about in court?

Lydia: Yes, I have. I don’t know about him. Dave, can we speak on phone? I don’t think I have your number.

Image Credit: Jayro Cerqueira da Silva

Grandma’s Necklace

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My mother passed on to me a gold necklace her mother gave to her. My grandmother had it custom made, designed and welded in Germany in the 1960’s. Dave, it is a 24 karat 100% gold chain. Its purity, weight and unique craftsmanship should give you an idea of its value. My mother only wore it twice or thrice in her lifetime. My grandmother wore it twice or thrice. I wore it only on my wedding day to honor the women in my life. They had passed it on to the next generation as a form of financial security in case life got worse. It’s always been in a safe storage at home till it suddenly got missing last year. No thief had broken into our home and we have two small children who can barely lift their shoes.

My husband is the only one who know where I keep it in our bedroom. I had searched everywhere in the house but could not find it. He swore he hadn’t seen it anywhere. In July 2025, their offices organized a dinner function and I was his +1. He was introducing me to some of his colleagues at the gathering. A young lady from their office walked towards us to introduce herself to me. She was wearing my grandmother’s necklace. It was the first thing that caught my attention. My husband hadn’t even noticed it yet. I asked her if I could touch it and feel the rubies and sapphires encrusted in it. Then I saw my husband panic. I turned it to confirm because my grand mother had her initials slightly engraved behind one of the emeralds. It was there. I asked her where she bought it and this was her reply, “My fiancé gave it to me a sign of his love for me. It was a gift from his grandmother to be given to the woman his heart beats for.”

A second look at my husband and you could see he wished the ground would open and swallow him whole. I have resented him over this since the function and he’s been apologizing and promising to get it back. Since I realized it had been stolen from my safe, I have become very suspicious of my husband. I started looking closely at all of our, especially, his financial records to be sure he didn’t owe people money. I am seriously considering divorce the moment he returns my jewelry. I am already in talks with my lawyer. I know it sounds a bit harsh but what this man has done to me is reprehensible.

Image Credit:  Karen Laårk Boshoff

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