10th Anniversary Message

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Monica: David, happy new year

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Happy New Year

Monica: Are you still having conversations with people?

DBM: No!

Monica: Why?

DBM: I am on break

Monica: Till when?

DBM: February

Monica: Oh, what I want to discuss with you is urgent Mr. Bondze Mbir. Please?

DBM: Are you at a point of wanting to end your life?

Monica: No

DBM: Then it can wait, no?

Monica: It would be too late by February. It shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes of your time

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Monica: My husband wants to celebrate our 10 years marriage anniversary by recreating with me, our ‘how we met’ story and filming it for our children to watch in the future. He has hired two videographers, one for me and the other for him to capture the circumstances leading to us meeting for the first time and our first date. He wants me to take advantage of this opportunity to tell or ask him anything else I might have forgotten to draw his attention to during our dating era, so we can watch the video as a reminder to do better for one another in the next ten years of our marriage.

DBM: It’s a thoughtful suggestion from him. What did you do to mark your 9th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: How about on your 5th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: 1st anniversary?

Monica: Nothing. We have never celebrated any of our marriage anniversaries, even when I remind him. As long as the years keep adding up, he’s ok.

DBM: How do I fit in all this?

Monica: I am willing to participate in his idea however; there are certain things I have come to know about my husband in these past 10 years that has really been a disappointment in my opinion. He is a great pretender and performer to outsiders. People look at me and automatically assume I have the best marriage and husband ever. He knows how much I love him and our family, and I think he’s been riding on that to often take me for granted when he comes home. In the presence of people, he is an Oscar winning actor to put on a great show for people to think he treats me right. He is sweet and nice to the wives of our close friends but harsh and mean to me at home. He speaks nicely and proudly about me to people but never to me in person, unless he wants sex. He is quick to criticize everything I do but would not tolerate it when I draw his attention to his own flaws.

DBM: I know men like that. Flattery goes to their head to blow them high, while criticisms go straight to their hearts to hurt their feelings. In their minds, they’re the only ones who can give or offer criticism but cannot take it.

Monica: David, that is my husband’s attitude. The other disappointment is, he’s been involved in two different affairs that I know of, unbeknownst to him.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Monica: I do

DBM: Are you still in love with him?

Monica: I am

DBM: Do you still want to do marriage with him in the equation?

Monica: Yes

DBM: Take advantage of his video documentation idea to let him know what you’ve come to understand about him after all these years.

Monica: I don’t know how to go about it, David. Also, I am scared I might say something that could ruin the whole anniversary celebration on camera.

DBM: Let’s role play. Act as your husband and let me use the little information you have given about him to address you – without hurting your/his feelings.

Monica: Ok

DBM: What’s his name?

Monica: Papa Yaw

DBM: PY, happy anniversary to us. Thank you very much for doing 10 years of marriage with me. It’s been a pleasure knowing you. It’s been a pleasure loving you. I do love you but as I have observed over the years, I have only gotten the least of you. You give the best of you to the people you are trying so hard to impress, while I get the least of you. That has been my lived experience with you in this marriage. I am not mad at you. I only disappointed in my husband. Papa Yaw, if I am going to do the next 10 years of marriage with you, I would only ask that should you feel the need to continue performing to look good in the eyes of people, at least, do not stop with the charade when you walk through the doors of our matrimonial home. Pretend with me too. Make me believe you genuinely are that much into me. Make me believe you love me. Make me believe you care about me. Don’t just come home to a wife because home is your safe space; give a performance for me to equally feel safe with you at home. Let me feel protected even if it’s just for show. Please let that become the new normal because how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Monica: He’s not going to get angry after hearing this?

DBM: When will you both watch the final film?

Monica: After the two videographers have combined our separate shoots.

DBM: So, you don’t see what you both say or do until the final edit?

Monica: Yes.

DBM: It’s a good message to him. He will hear you.

Monica: Okay.

DBM: You’re doing the right thing when you let your partner decide what your truest concerns are worth in a relationship or marriage.

Monica: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Kuda Foto

Lonely At The Top

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Luna: Good evening, Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you?

Luna: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. What’s on your mind?

Luna: My guy just asked me to marry him.

DBM: Oh great! Congratulations!

Luna: Thanks.

DBM: You’re excited, no?

Luna: I’m supposed to be but I don’t know why I am feeling a bit unsure.

DBM: Unsure about what?

Luna: He used to tell me he would never marry again.

DBM: People’s minds change, you know?

Luna: Yes, but he is a divorcee, and based on the stories he has shared with me about his ex-wife and what he said she put him through, I never imagined him settling down again.

DBM: His divorce is official, no?

Luna: Yes

DBM: You’ve seen a signed divorce decree by a judge?

Luna: Yes Dave.

DBM: Good to know! I had to be sure. A lot of skewed men are loosely throwing out the ‘I’m divorcing my wife’ lines to single women just to get laid.

Luna: I know

DBM: Are you the reason he divorced his wife?

Luna: No. I met him after his divorce

DBM: Okay! You’re on a good start then.

Luna: Dave, is marriage for everyone?

DBM: Question should be, is marriage for you?

Luna: I want to be married, yes.

DBM: Do you see yourself being married to him?

Luna: I love him but I feel like he’s made me believe he’s not interested in marrying anyone again.

DBM: You need to understand that, no amount of love can make a man who isn’t that much into the idea of marriage to want to do something (marriage) he doesn’t want to. If he’s asked you to marry him, then it means he’s that much into you. Have you asked him why he wants to marry you?

Luna: No, do I have to?

DBM: But of course! You’re not the least curious as to why?

Luna: I am

DBM: How old is he?

Luna: 48

DBM: How old are you?

Luna: 37

DBM: You need to know his perceived analysis of your worth to him. You are certainly offering him something of value, and he’s calculated exactly what marrying you might or not cost him. You need to understand from his point of view – what he feels he’s gaining: i.e. Are you an asset or a liability. Is this going to be your first marriage?

Luna: Yes

DBM: You have children?

Luna: No, but he has three with his ex.

DBM: And, you’re okay with that?

Luna: I don’t mind

DBM: Okay! Something is holding you back, what is it?

Luna: He’s never said ‘I love you’ to me before

DBM: How long have you been together?

Luna: 3 years. Ever since we fell in love two years ago, I have been randomly telling him how much I love him. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn’t feel any true love for me. The one time I remember him saying it back to me was after an awesome afternoon sex. Even with that, I felt he talked himself into believing it because I said it to him first.

DBM: You want my honest opinion, no?

Luna: Yes

DBM: So, this is what I, David Bondze-Mbir believe and practice: I would rather have somebody who could never tell me they love me but every day, I felt it with their actions. That’s exactly who I got in my marriage. Fortunately for us, we do tell each other we love us every day. And, we’ve been doing that for years now. It’s an intentional thing to want to be a student of the other person’s feelings and interests.

Luna: Hmmm. And there’s the topic of monogamy. He doesn’t believe a man is to devote his body to one woman alone. He’s been trying to negotiate with me to consider the fact that, he would sexually attract other women. And might pursue them.

DBM: That is what he thinks is right for him. Question is, does it sit well with you?

Luna: No

DBM: Do you know his ex-wife?

Luna: I know about her. I have friends who know her personally.

DBM: And, what do they say about her?

Luna: She’s a great lady apparently. The only person I know who has spoken bad about her is my man.

DBM: This is what I would suggest: figure out a way to have a conversation with his ex.

Luna: To say what? Lol

DBM: You’re contemplating on marrying her ex. You need to know if you’re making the right decision. She was someone he once loved. However her ex-husband chose to describe her to you, that is his version of experience with her. It doesn’t make her a total idiot. It shouldn’t form your total perception about her. You need to know her version of how he sees and treats women who are important to him. Treat her choice of words and lived experience with him with respect, and you will earn more of it for yourself.

Luna: What if she also has nothing good to say about him?

DBM: It’s normal. None of us are enthused about being made to remember the times we made a mistake or were made to feel stupid by someone we loved. The best you can do is to acknowledge her feelings. Just listen with your heart. It will let you know. You will find the answer needed to say yes or no to his marriage proposal. It’s always good to be in the known, so you do not find yourself lowering your standards – just to accommodate the idea of being with the man you think you like. Most men think only with their mouths. They know all the right things to say to make a woman feel like she’d be lucky to be with him. Those are the typical bully material, not necessarily marriage material. Do not create in him one because you’re blinded by love.

Luna: Oh Dave, that’s a lot for me to process.

DBM: You will be fine. You know what is good for you at the end of the day.

Luna: Thank you, David. Thank you very much.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

In His Spell

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paula: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Paula: I am fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paula: Is it a good time to chat? I promise not to take too much of your time

DBM: It is, sup?

Paula: My husband is a junior pastor sort of to our main resident and presiding pastor. The resident pastor is also the founder of the church. Dave, my husband used to not like our presiding because he thought he was corrupt. Now that the pastor has included him in his circle of friends, he is all of a sudden, his favorite person in the world. He’s acting ignorant of the very actions he used to complain about to me and others close to us. It doesn’t sit right with me.

DBM: How did you meet your husband?

Paula: My husband has money. He used to give to our church occasionally. Word on the street was that, he was a womanizer. I didn’t know anything about him. Our church held an all-night service a couple of years ago and he was ushered in to sit right next to me. It didn’t take long for me to realize how hilarious and charming he was. He had an intense interest to want to sit next to me, because he wanted to chat with me, even during worship time. I later found out that our presiding arranged for him to be seated next to me. The presiding preached and it was time for prayers. He called on me and prophesied that; I was still single because my future husband had been held up by so many other single women who also wanted to claim him. And that, I shouldn’t rush into anything serious yet with any other man.

DBM: You must be kidding me!

Paula: David, I laughed when he made that prophesy. Long story short, my husband called my phone and I later found out he was the one seated next to me at the all-night service. He conveyed his struggle in finding the right woman to settle down with. That is how our relationship begun. I am a career woman doing very well for myself. I didn’t need any man’s support then and even now, but my husband insisted on helping with my deepest wishes. If I ignored his offers, he would use other means to uncover something about me and make it come true for me. I don’t know how it happened, but I found myself wrapped in his spell and I was head over heels in love with him.

DBM: Is he a good man?

Paula: To our children, yes. He can be if he chooses to be

DBM: Is he good to you?

Paula: Sometimes.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Paula: No

DBM: Why not?

Paula: Dave, the trust I give is like the love I give. The doors of my heart and the other doors to my life cannot be opened by just anything. Trust opens most of these doors. So, if you break the trust I had in you, I shut the door completely to you.

DBM: You do not trust your husband.

Paula: I don’t.

DBM: Why was he not so trusting of your pastor?

Paula: Because he told me the pastor was taking advantage of some of the vulnerable, pretty young women at the church. He also said he was misappropriating church funds for his personal gain. These were a few of the bad things going on at the church that he was aware of. So, imagine the ones I don’t even know, that is going on.

DBM: People’s actions speak volumes. Sometimes, all you have to do is just listen.

Paula: Yes.

DBM: May your heart have an understanding of GOD; may it also have a fear of GOD’s justice and an awareness of what is in your very own best interest.

Image Credit: Avonne Stalling

Pimp My Warf

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jr.: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yo, sup?

Jr.: Don’t go the judgmental route with what I am about to say

DBM: Do I judge?

Jr.: You do sometimes

DBM: Really?

Jr.: That’s how I see it though

DBM: I see!

Jr.: I am a smart, affable and talented young man. I have a job but I can’t even remember the last time I earned good money. I don’t make enough to take good care of my wife and son. And frankly, Dave, it’s affecting how I see myself lately. The person I see through the lens of my life is losing and feeling defeated day in and out. So many setbacks pushing me to fall behind. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel strong. My wife is smart, very beautiful and have so much to offer. She works in the companies of one of Ghana’s wealthiest men. She’s very close friends with him. In fact, he’s called her phone a couple times at home and I’ve heard him crack jokes with her. My wife has a habit of always answering every phone call on speaker, so I always hear every conversation she has with everyone. Her boss likes her but I don’t think she realizes it. The few times I’ve heard him on call with her; he tries to flirt but my wife doesn’t catch the bait. She thinks every friend is just a friend and nothing more. I need money to fund a project and the kind of money I need, only her boss has. I owe a few bank loans so I cannot go to the banks for another loan for my project. Do you see where I am going with this?

DBM: Do you want this conversation shared on my platform?

Jr.: Yes. I want to know if what I am considering is a terrible idea.

DBM: You know the women will insult you, right?

Jr.: I am not asking my wife to have a full relationship with him. I just want to suggest to her to flirt back, and if he wants to hit, maybe give him a taste of her fruit, in exchange for money.

DBM: This is how I choose to see it; your wife is in a perfect place to help you with your job search. I’m assuming you’re applying for better job opportunities, no?

Jr.: I need a good paying job for sure but I haven’t applied to anything yet.

DBM: How much money is worth pimping your wife to her rich boss?

Jr.: That is not what I am trying to do. I just need someone to invest in my big idea.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing your ‘big’ idea with me?

Jr.: No. But I know exactly what I want. I just don’t know how to get the financial backing to fund it.

DBM: There are other decent ways to come into the money you think you need to have.

Jr.: I’ve exhausted all options

DBM: Inciting the mother of your son to sleep with her boss to get the money you need to invest in your dream project, isn’t the action holding you back from your breakthrough. Wifey’s beauty aside, what else are you willing to sacrifice to get what you desire?

Jr.: Dave, my wife can help me get what I desire.

DBM: How do you know if your wife’s boss would even be fully aligned with your mission? How do you know if he’s going to wholeheartedly, buy into the project you’re intending to build?

Jr.: My wife can easily convince him if she comes on board with my plan.

DBM: Can’t you engage with him yourself and convince him to invest in your idea?

Jr.: He will not be blown away if it comes from me.

DBM: What makes you say that?

Jr.: Because I am a man.

DBM: You are certain this man can help ideate and create alongside you?

Jr.: Yes, if my wife is involved one way or the other.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio 

Dead Wrong

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Boahemaa: My husband had a cardiac arrest while forcing himself on me at dawn. He died immediately after he had ejaculated. I found out he was having an affair and had impregnated one of the ladies he was involved with. He flatly denied having anything to do with other women though I had all the proof to prove my point to him. Dave, because I felt he had proven to be untrustworthy, and a liar, I decided not to have unprotected sex with him ever again. I insisted he used condoms if he wanted to be intimate with me. He got angry and refused to touch me for months. I wasn’t bothered because my health is very important to me. As my mother always told us, if you continue sleeping with the dogs, you will get fleas.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Momma is so right! And the fact that he argues with you about the things he does is the other reason why you need to prioritize your health.

Boahemaa: I cursed him under my breath when he forcefully penetrated me the dawn he died. I wished death on him when he refused to stop after I had begged him to pull out. He had no condoms on and that was very upsetting for me. I didn’t mean what I said but I was hurt and felt violated. I feel so guilty.

DBM: Did you kill him?

Boahemaa: No

DBM: Stop blaming yourself then. People die during or after sex. He isn’t the first.

Boahemaa: I don’t know why I am feeling so sad.

DBM: You’re sad because you were married to him. How long have you been together?

Boahemaa: 9 years.

DBM: You’re entitled to your thoughts, feeling, boundaries and values. And, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting them to be understood and, or respected. He forced himself on you; that’s marital rape. Refusing to wear a rubber was also disrespectful. He was the one in the wrong, not you.

Boahemaa: I’ve not been able to tell his family the full story. I feel like they’re going to judge me.

DBM: What do they think is the cause of his death?

Boahemaa: The doctor told them the layers in the walls of the large artery from his heart bulged and burst.

DBM: I’m sorry about your loss. You have kids?

Boahemaa: Yes.

DBM: How old was he?

Boahemaa: 49

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Gimme Some Lovin’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Edwin: I had not spoken to my father in over nine years and I didn’t know he had been hospitalized. The woman who is now my wife was the nurse helping him to feel calm and fulfilled in his last days of living at the hospital. I returned home late from work one day and there she was by my gate, waiting to deliver a message. My father had requested she facilitated his death in a comfortable and dignified manner as possible. I was his only child, and so he had asked her to find and inform me about his decision.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You and dad, was it a relationship that had drifted apart or it was something else?

Edwin: It was an unhealthy father-son relationship that I knew I didn’t want.

DBM: Understood!

Edwin: Is your father alive?

DBM: Yes

Edwin: What’s your relationship like with him?

DBM: I don’t know! There’s no real relationship and it hasn’t been for years.

Edwin: Does it bother you?

DBM: Nope!

Edwin: What’s the background story?

DBM: Wait! Is this my interview or yours? Lol!

Edwin: It’s our interview, Dave. It should not be a one-sided chat.

DBM: I think he missed out on an opportunity to really get to know me as a person. And because of that, I moved on in life without needing his presence, support or opinions. Anytime I look back and think about the things he used to say to take my spirit, or how he used to treat me, I remember how each one of his actions made me feel. I refuse to ever be made to feel that worthless and broken again. Nobody will subject me to such a state, ever again.

Edwin: I will go back to my story.

DBM: Great!

Edwin: The nurse convinced me to find a way to go and see him, and bond with him in his last days, even if it did not involve me talking to him. It was very late, so I suggested she slept over and left in the morning. She declined the offer and left. I rushed to the hospital the next morning and my father had been pronounced dead. I was allowed to briefly view his body before he was moved.

DBM: Let me backtrack a bit: How did she locate your residence?

Edwin: My father directed her to my best friend’s office, so he could bring her to my house. My father didn’t know where I was staying.

DBM: Well, I’m so sorry about the whole experience. Sometimes, there are no words to describe these feelings and happenings.

Edwin: I honestly couldn’t explain how his passing made me feel. I was transformed by a certain type of grief that made me feel empty and stranded. Dave, I felt paralyzed by not knowing how to feel about his death. I saw the nurse who had come to my house, on duty from a distance, and I could see she very much wanted to provide some solace for me. I could see it in her eyes but she did nothing. She said nothing. I settled every bill I needed to settle at the hospital and left, walking pointlessly in the streets. I later returned to the office as if nothing had happened, closed at the usual time, and then went home. I got home very late and there she was again, waiting.

DBM: The nurse?

Edwin: Yes, my wife. She came up to me with great concern and hugged me so tight for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t stop tearing up. That was when I knew she was something special. Her big heart caught my attention that evening and I held on to her. She kept reaching out even on days I just wanted to be alone. She was by my side when I had to travel to see my father’s family to inform them of his passing. She became a shoulder for me to cry on, and I enjoyed listening to all the stories she told me about my father’s two weeks admission to the hospital. We became friends after I had buried my father.

DBM: She seems like a good woman.

Edwin: My wife is the best.

DBM: Was she single?

Edwin: Not initially. Because I made an attempt to kiss her one time and she pushed me away. She told me she was in a relationship and asked if I would be okay if she checked on me again once some time had passed. I didn’t hear from her for about ten months. Then, I fell sick and had to go to the hospital. I asked one of the nurses attending to me about her. I was directed to where she was and I could still feel the excitement her presence used to bring me. She smiled when I smiled and then informed me about her relationship status. She was single and ready to mingle. You should have seen me that afternoon. I was on a cloud of my own because that sense of wonder about her remained throughout the time she had pushed me away. She wouldn’t admit it then but we had a strong, unique bond that only the two of us could understand. Our friendship matured into something beautiful, and somehow, everything clicked. We decided to get married.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Edwin: 18 years.

DBM: That’s nice. 18 good years or 18 some-what good years?

Edwin: It’s been good so far. I would have been a complete mess without her in my life.

DBM: What do you feel is making your marriage work for this long?

Edwin: We talk to each other a lot. And because there is constant communication, we’ve gotten to know each other more. My marriage is doing well because I am interested in whatever my wife wants to discuss with me. I’m never too busy to hear her out. She gets my attention when she wants my attention. A lot of guys would have the time to give their attention to all manner of people and things but their wives. I am the complete opposite. My wife is my priority, she comes first.

DBM: How do you deal with conflict?

Edwin: We have a kissing culture at home. First thing we do when we wake up in the morning, we kiss. We kiss before going to sleep. Conflicts automatically settles because nothing is supposed to break the culture. We still have to kiss even if we’re mad at each other. And Dave, there are kisses, and there are kisses. Some kisses are meant to end wars.

DBM: Hehehe! I love kissing, so I think I get the memo. What strengths do you bring to your marriage?

Edwin: One of my key strengths I’d say is, my intention to always present myself attractive to my wife. I let her see my heart for God. And because she’s a witness to that, she gets to experience God’s kindness, patience, mercy, forgiveness, gentleness, faithfulness, truth, wisdom, beauty, humility, support, care and love in me. When a woman experiences all these traits in her man, the attraction she has for him grows.

DBM: Did you have a ‘type’ and was your wife your ‘type’?

Edwin: I used to have a type I typically went for. My wife wasn’t in that category. However, getting to know her made me realize how beautiful and physically attractive she was in my eyes. My wife is now definitely my type. I am glad I gave someone I usually wouldn’t go for a chance to speak to my conscience, attitude and heart. Beauty is skin deep. I fell in love with my wife’s character.

DBM: That is what I always tell my very close friends; my partner’s character is the person I know I can spend the rest of my life with. I married character too. Physical appearance has always been superficial and less important to me.

Image Credit: Anna-Nekrashevich

Update: Grandma’s Necklace

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Reba: David, I have an update for you. My grandmother’s gold necklace has been returned to me. Everything is intact and just as it was before my husband stole it from the safe. Thank you for letting me use your platform to vent.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh! That’s good news. He did the right thing returning it.

Reba: My husband didn’t bring it to me. It was the girl

DBM: Really?

Reba: Yes. She said she’s part of a women’s group on whatsapp and our conversation was shared by one of your followers for their group to discuss. She read the screenshots and immediately knew it was about her. She came to my office, apologized and handed it over.

DBM: She knows where you work?

Reba: I don’t know. My husband might have probably told her.

DBM: What’s going through your mind?

Reba: Dave, I am calling time on my marriage. It’s over. I am very glad that it’s not a difficult decision for me to call it quits because I make money on my own. I am financially independent and not bound to remain married to a cheat and a liar. He stole something precious from me and lied about it. That is to another level.

DBM: What he did was wrong but have you honestly assessed the basis for this decision you’re considering?

Reba: I wouldn’t want to go into detail telling everyone what he did, and so I will be stating irreconcilable differences in the marriage as my reason for divorce.

DBM: I see irreconcilable differences as a challenge for one to work on their marriage and not necessarily, a reason to breakup.

Reba: I don’t think you remember our conversation. My husband committed adultery and also stole from me. Those are serious issues and all the basis I need to divorce him.

DBM: True. I’m a bit sad because prior to you realizing the necklace had been taken, it seemed like everything was going on just fine between you two, no?

Reba: To me, yes, but he was having an affair I knew nothing of.

DBM: You’re right. If I’m ever going to consider divorcing my partner, I know for a fact I would prioritize spending time with my spouse to examine our attitudes about whatever our marital issues are, so we can determine whether or not any one person isn’t placing any undeserved blame on the other. Have you at least tried to have a conversation about repairing what could be broken in the marriage?

Reba: No.

DBM: Why not?

Reba: I don’t think I will ever be able to trust my husband again. I have no respect for him at this moment. It’s best we go our separate ways.

DBM: Do you foresee yourself and life being happy without your husband in it?

Reba: I am a very independent woman, David. I don’t think you realize that. I have prepared my finances such that, I will not be stressed managing my household on a single income. I have planned for my future and that of my children.

DBM: Let’s talk about the day-to-day lives and routine of the children. How is that going to be like?

Reba: I’m keeping one child. He is to keep the other. We both are going to raise a child on a single income, and arrange for them to either meet at my house or his during weekends, holidays and vacations, so they get to be together. I will not burden myself to take full custody of our children, knowing their father is alive and healthy. He needs to also be a parent to one.

DBM: You’re funny. Most women don’t think this way.

Reba: I do.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Reba: I don’t want to revisit the past.

DBM: But was it a good past? That’s what I am intending to understand. This question helps me to always bring meaning to my story with my partner.

Reba: It was a beautiful past. Dave, you’re getting me all emotional. I didn’t come to your inbox to chat. I was just coming to give an update. I’ve got to go.

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Reba: What?

DBM: Are you at peace about your decision to want out of the marriage?

Reba: Yes

DBM: Are you at peace about yourself?

Reba: I am at peace about myself.

DBM: Are you at peace about going through the next chapter of your life on your own terms?

Reba: Yes.

DBM: Okay!

Reba: I almost forgot the juiciest part of the story.

DBM: There’s honey to it too?

Reba: Lol. Before the girl left my office, she asked if any part of me didn’t love my husband, she was begging me to set him free so she can have him. Because every part of her body loves him.

DBM: No!

Reba: Yes

DBM: Hell to the no!

Reba: Lol. Yes, Dave.

DBM: Oh-la-la! The savior of the lover boy has arrived. She’s come to save his heart with her love.

Reba: That was the one thing she said that made me like her. Girl knows what she wants. Lol.

Image Credit: Laark Studio

Once In A Lifetime

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Thom: Marriage is not an easy decision to commit yourself exclusively to, David, but I have been happily married to a woman I am not ashamed to be upset, insecure, temperamental, win, fail, be scared, happy, unsure, certain or honest with when I am in her presence. My wife agreed to marry me 34 years ago and thankfully, our connection has been developing naturally and is never forced at any point. I am always slowing down. That has been the key to my successful marriage. My walk with my wife since embarking on this journey, three decades ago has been at a slow pace, one day at a time to draw our attention to the fact that, we’re at least moving, even if not as fast. My marriage is not for show. I don’t need to convince people that I am happy with my wife. Who cares, if you’re not living under our roof 24/7 to be a witness to it?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You’re speaking my language Sir.

Thom: Dave, for 34 years my wife and I have built trust. We have in our snail pace also tested the frequency and intensity of our intimacy. I saw my father love my mother slowly but surely for 49 years and that has been my motivation since I became an adult. I want to be a good lover and I want my wife to enjoy sex with me. And because I want my wife to be satisfied in bed at all times, I am not in a hurry to rush the process. My wife knows she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and I remind her of that every day. My father was constantly affirming my mother’s beauty even though our neighbour’s wife was way prettier than my mom. What am I trying to say? Because I am choosing to make my wife my world’s most beautiful woman ever, I have not had the time to be interested in making another woman’s beauty the center of my attention or attraction. One advise my father gave to me on our wedding day was to appreciate my wife and care about what is important to her. What is important to my wife is synonymously linked to her feelings. Caring about what is important to her is to care about her feelings. That is why for 34 years, our marriage hasn’t been a struggle. I do not dismiss or ignore my wife’s needs and feelings. I honor them. I keep her safe. Emotionally she’s safe with me. Physically, she’s safe with me. Financially, she knows I’ve got her and the family we have built together covered.

DBM: This is a healthy conversation. I am smiling and willing to learn.

Thom: I smiled and learned from my dad, what it takes to be a good husband. Dave, I lost my job and was unemployed for almost six years. Guess who stood in the gab to return a favor to keep me safe emotionally, physically and financially?

DBM: Your wife

Thom: Yes. A wife will prioritize your well-being above all else if you prioritize hers above everything else. She has loved me for who I am and it has not been about what I have done for her, because I love her for who she is to me. She knows she matters to me, that is why I can be comfortable with the idea of helping my wife at home. I help with chores. I helped with the children aside taking on the financial responsibility of their wellbeing. Because my wife didn’t feel burdened at home after work, she had the interest to initiate sex from time to time. Dave, I love sex, so when I see my wife initiating intimacy with me, boy oh boy, it means the world to me.

DBM: How relevant is sex to a man?

Thom: The question should be, how relevant is sex in a marriage. Marriage is made up of the two people involved, and not just one man’s sexual drive. My wife has needs too, that’s why I am intentional on doing things to take the stress off her, so she can have space to tap into her need for intimacy. She needs to trust me to enjoy sex with me. We have built a healthy sex life with one experience after the other. And I prove myself to my wife every day, in the smallest ways.

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves you this much?

Thom: I’ve asked her this question before. She told me she loves me because I make her feel like she’s a part of our marriage as a team. She doesn’t feel dominated or controlled. We talk about important things together as equals. We make plans for our family together. We lead our family with love and respect. She knows she’s not doing this marriage thing alone. I feel I am not alone in the marriage too. I understand my wife’s needs.

DBM: Can we ever know a person we’re in love with that well?

Thom: My answer would be no, based on my own experience with my wife. After all these years, there are still some things I haven’t learned about her, even though I can confidently say I know almost every little detail about her.

DBM: Is love enough to make a marriage work?

Thom: I know what is enough in my marriage. I have a deep-rooted admiration for my wife and wife alone. She has a genuine admiration for me too. Love is not what is sustaining my marriage. God is. Prayer together with my wife is what is sustaining my marriage. Friendship with my wife is sustaining our marriage. Because the love we have for each other comes alive every day, it evolves with the changing times. What it used to be isn’t always going to be what it is today. What it wasn’t yesterday could be what it should become for us today. Our love evolves with time. I don’t always make my wife happy; she doesn’t always make me want to fall in love with her but I am committed to her all the way. I have never lost respect for the woman she is. She has so much respect for me too. That is why I don’t want to do anything to lose her respect because I might never get it back.

DBM: Let me guess, you’ve not cheated on her?

Thom: I have not and do not have any intentions to lose the respect my wife has for me.

DBM: Respect

Thom: It’s everything gold. When your choices are not judged by your spouse, you know how much they respect you. When your independence isn’t encroached by a spouse, you know they respect you. That is why I respect myself enough not to mess things up. Also, my wife and I talk about everything. I used to hear my parents discussing everything. It felt like there were no secrets between them. There are no secrets in our marriage.

DBM: Well, secrets have a way of dividing two people. I concur.

Thom: If something is bothering any of us, we say it as it. We don’t find sarcastic ways to mock or troll each other to make a point. I married Aku because I knew she was good enough for me. And if something is good enough, you don’t want to change it because you think you have changed. I could not have been one hundred percent sure of the woman I was marrying, 34 years ago. Of course, I knew who she was that fateful day at the altar, but I couldn’t have known who she was going to grow to become in 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years’ time. That is why I had to psyche myself to prepare for the unexpected in the land of the unknown. I had to be willing to find admiration for my wife, regardless of … You get the point, Dave?

DBM: I do.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Taking A Chance On Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyrone: Are you free to talk David?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please. How are you doing?

Tyrone: I’m good. Thank you

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Tyrone: I am a married man. We’ve been together for 20 years. We met on KNUST campus. I remember my whole world changing when she first walked into our lecture hall and sat right next to me. She asked of my name and our first conversation started. We’ve been talking every single day since then.

DBM: ‘Been together’, meaning married for?

Tyrone: Yes

DBM: Good for you!

Tyrone: Lately, I’ve been developing affection and care towards someone else.

DBM: Who?

Tyrone: A very good friend of mine.

DBM: Does your wife know her?

Tyrone: No

DBM: How did you first meet?

Tyrone: It’s a him

DBM: A man?

Tyrone: A man.

DBM: I see.

Tyrone: Are you surprised?

DBM: Nope! It’s a subject I find delight in discussing.

Tyrone: We’ve not done anything physical yet but we’ve established the fact that there is this intense chemistry between us. My emotions have been completely caught off-guard. At first, I thought something was wrong with my marriage.

DBM: Is something wrong with your marriage?

Tyrone: No.

DBM: Are you a homosexual?

Tyrone: If you had asked me this question last year, I would have said no. Now, I don’t have a clear answer to that question.

DBM: Have you been with, or been attracted to the same sex before?

Tyrone: This is my first time experiencing such a romantic connection towards a man. So, no.

DBM: Have you been with any other woman since you married your wife?

Tyrone: No, but I had been dating women prior to my wife and I making a serious commitment to one another.

DBM: So, for 20 years, you’ve not known any other woman or person but your wife?

Tyrone: Precisely.

DBM: Okay! I commend you on that. Well done!

Tyrone: Thanks.

DBM: Is your friend single?

Tyrone: Yes, divorced.

DBM: Do you have any childhood recollection of you ever being overly, fond of a boy or man?

Tyrone: I had a science teacher in JS 1 that I thought was beautiful in a funny way. I liked the way he dressed and how his trousers fit his back cheeks tightly.

DBM: Are you homophobic?

Tyrone: I used to be. I had issues with anyone who identified as gay. Probably because I was indirectly battling an internal struggle, I wasn’t aware of.

DBM: What kind of ‘struggle’?

Tyrone: I wouldn’t call it a struggle per se. I don’t know, Dave. I can’t explain.

DBM: Let’s go on an imaginary excursion

Tyrone: Okay. Where to?

DBM: The beach. We’re feeling the salty taste of the air. We can feel the wind on our cheeks. Are you feeling it?

Tyrone: I am, yes.

DBM: We’ve been given four hours with nothing to do but to relax and enjoy the sound of the waves crashing so hard onto the shore. How is the feeling like?

Tyrone: Calming. I feel happy where I am

DBM: Good! We hear men and women breaking out into the sun by the sea. You open your eyes. What/who are you looking at?

Tyrone: I see all the people and can touch their excitement

DBM: Where is your attention focused at this moment, while staring at the people walking on the beach?

Tyrone: I’m checking both the men and women out.

DBM: Which of the sexes is your attention more drawn to?

Tyrone: I like the ladies in their bikinis. I like the shirtless men in shape and in wet shorts.

DBM: Which gender are you gravitating towards, sexually?

Tyrone: Both

DBM: You wouldn’t mind tapping both asses?

Tyrone: I would tap that of the ladies I am attracted to first, and then explore with the men who find me attractive.

DBM: Is it a maybe sort of, exploration or a definite tap?

Tyrone: The men?

DBM: Yeah!

Tyrone: Definite tap.

DBM: Still on the beach…

Tyrone: I’m here

DBM: You’re not married in this scenario. Your wife shows up as a single woman, walking her dog. Whatever feelings you think you feel towards her surfaces in your heart. The very good male friend you’re developing affection and care towards is jogging shirtless in see-through soaked shorts. Whatever you think you feel for him is on your mind’s eye. Who are you going to approach and invite home?

Tyrone: Invite home for what?

DBM: Knowing you, knowing me; dinner, maybe sex; waking up next to in bed the following morning.

Tyrone: I can’t take both?

DBM: No! The option is to take one home for today.

Tyrone: And I can take the other home the next?

DBM: Maybe, yeah!

Tyrone: I will take the guy home first.

DBM: Why?

Tyrone: My desire to want to explore with him is a living, breathing something that I cannot explain. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. I do, though our marital sex life isn’t that active anymore. Being with this guy may allow me to have more sex.

DBM: I know you love your wife. You don’t have to explain yourself. The attraction you feel towards the guy, is it only sexual?

Tyrone: No. I want his love. I want his affection. I want his friendship. But I want to experience pleasure without always having to be in control, like when I am with a woman. I want to connect with him in a sexual way and still feel masculine. Am I a bad person for feeling the way I feel?

DBM: There are people who are not ready to have or accept a new definition of yourself. They would probably be the ones to judge you. I don’t judge you. You’re coming into this part of your identity because another person awakened it someway, somehow. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you any lesser of a human. There is no shame in noticing someone other than your wife. Do you want my honest opinion?

Tyrone: That’s why I am here, Dave.

DBM: If whatever feelings you’re developing towards this man is starting to seep heavily into your thoughts, then I would admonish you to consider bringing it to your wife’s attention. You need to tell her the truth so she can be in the known, but most importantly, help you share this concern. If you can do this, it will be a tell on your character: that you are honest and true. That you have courage and enough humility to be weak.

Tyrone: I can’t tell my wife about this, sorry.

DBM: Why not?

Tyrone: Dave, I can’t. It will destroy her trust in me. It will be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

DBM: Then you’re not willing to do the work that it takes to keep a marriage healthy, transparent and vulnerable.

Tyrone: I’m willing to do the work, but I can’t tell her something like this.

DBM: How do you stay true to your wife while, at the same time, feeding another affection developing elsewhere?

Tyrone: I don’t want to deny myself the feelings he’s bringing out of me.

Image Credit: PNW Production

If Dogs Run Free

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Obed: One of my greatest nightmares just happened to me. My 10yr old son walked in on his mother and I having sex.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): The bedroom door wasn’t locked?

Obed: I thought I locked it.

DBM: Was the bedroom door locked?

Obed: No. I was slightly tipsy but I swear I closed it.

DBM: How much of everything did he see?

Obed: That’s the problem, we do not know how long he had been standing there.

DBM: How is your relationship like with him?

Obed: We’re close but he’s very close to his mother.

DBM: What was his reaction?

Obed: He looked confused and in shock. His mouth was wide open. And I think he had a hard-on

DBM: He was turned on? I don’t believe you. How is a kid turned on by his mother’s nakedness?

Obed: Believe me David. His junk was upstanding and hard.

DBM: Oh la-la!

Obed: I know, it’s bad

DBM: What was your reaction?

Obed: I yelled at him of course, and I was a bit furious.

DBM: But why? Yelling at him only makes the situation weirder for him. When was this?

Obed: Saturday

DBM: And at what time did this happen?

Obed: I’d say, around 12:30 am

DBM: So, he should have been asleep by then?

Obed: Yes and no.

DBM: Meaning?

Obed: The weekends are usually left for them play and sleep at any time.

DBM: So, at what time do they go to bed on Saturdays?

 

Obed: 12ish

DBM: They stay up late doing what?

Obed: Watching TV, cartoons, movies or playing video games

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Obed: 3

DBM: Was he the only one in sight watching the freak show?

Obed: Yes

DBM: Were the other kids asleep by then?

Obed: We didn’t check but he was the only one standing in the doorway. These questions feel like I’m in kindergarten.

DBM: So, there is a probability they might have also witnessed it but chose not to stay, no?

Obed: I don’t think they were awake.

DBM: Have you spoken to your son about Saturday’s incident?

Obed: Not yet. I don’t think I would.

DBM: Why not?

Obed: I don’t know where to start. Lol. Also, he’s a boy. He will grow up to understand what’s up for men.

DBM: Does your household have any sort of established boundaries that allow for say, privacy?

Obed: Yes. They know they’re supposed to knock on our bedroom door before entering.

DBM: You can start a conversation with him from there. You need to know why he overstepped that boundary.

Obed: My wife thinks we shouldn’t talk to him about it because he’s going to forget about it

DBM: Forget about what? Have you two not been 10-year-olds before? Do you honestly think he’s going to forget about what he knows he saw?

Obed: What should be the best approach?

DBM: Has he said anything about it since?

Obed: No

DBM: He’s not asked what you two were doing?

Obed: No. Lol

DBM: He’s not acting weird, withdrawn, quiet, etc.?

Obed: Something felt off yesterday when we were driving to church. They’re usually active and talking or disturbing us but all three were very well mannered and quiet in the car.

DBM: Those kids, saw every nasty thing you did to their mother.

Obed: You are not making this any easier on me, Dave

DBM: You need to sit all three down.

Obed: Lol

DBM: You keep laughing, what’s funny? They understand what sex is, no?

Obed: I think so

DBM: Have you broached that topic to them?

Obed: Not yet

DBM: Do you think they know what sex is?

Obed: Yes.

DBM: You need to explain to them your need for privacy. In fact, let’s role-play: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. That’s ridiculous

DBM: Were you having sex with mummy?

Obed: Lol. Dave, drop it. Let’s get serious

DBM: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. Let it go. Lol

DBM: Daddy

Obed: Yes

DBM: What were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Your mother and I were having sex

DBM: Eeeew!

Obed: Roland, why didn’t you knock on the door before opening it?

DBM: But daddy, your door wasn’t locked.

Obed: Dave, what am I supposed to say if indeed the bedroom door wasn’t locked?

DBM: You need to take responsibility if you forgot to locked the door.

Obed: Wow. This parenting thing is no joke.

DBM: You need to also apologize for yelling at him.

Obed: I will not do that. He should have known better

DBM: No, you should have known better.

Obed: Please don’t act shocked at what I am about to say next

DBM: Oo-oh! What did you do?

Obed: It wasn’t their mother I was having sex with

DBM: Huh?

Obed: We’re separated and in the process of filing for divorce

DBM: I don’t care about that. Who were you having sex with?

Obed: My girlfriend

DBM: And, he had to witness that?

Obed: Hmm

DBM: Do they know this lady?

Obed: No

DBM: Where are the kids now?

Obed: With their mother. They came to spend the weekend with me

DBM: And you couldn’t suspend a meet-up with your girlfriend to spend time with your children?

Obed: It wasn’t a planned thing

DBM: Your son is not psychologically prepared for such a responsibility to be carrying the weight of what you have subjected him to. Have you informed his mother about what happened?

Obed: No

DBM: When do you intend telling her?

Obed: Do I have to?

DBM: What is the one experience you wish you could give to your son?

Obed: I don’t understand your question.

DBM: How old are you?

Obed: 38

Image Credit: REAFON GATES

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