Heart Of My Heart

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tobe: Good evening

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you doing?

Tobe: I’m fine boss. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Tobe: My story is not so great but it’s something.

DBM: Something’ is good enough.

Tobe: Okay. I was in my late 30s, and a bit fed up with my first marriage. Our marriage was a mess and 95% of it was my fault. I am in my second marriage. She is the same woman I was cheating on my ex-wife with. My ex-wife has also moved on and has been married for 8 years. I admit that whatever broke my first marriage was because I let my guard down for more than just a moment. I did not make any serious effort to address what went amiss. Instead of changing my ways to assure my ex-wife that she could trust me again, I had opened the door to rather rebuild something better with my current wife. A decision I partially regret because my ex was one person who loved me through my poorer. I feel bad for disappointing her in my richer. She should have been the one enjoying the fruits of her sweat. I destroyed her self-esteem, which I regret.

DBM: You had kids?

Tobe: Yes. We have a daughter together.

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Though I love and admire my now wife, I feel like I made a big mistake letting a good woman go. It was not a good choice. I was also not ready for marriage. I made her sound crazy by denying all of her suspicions of me and my now wife. It was so bad she did not know who I was or meant to her anymore. I got up with other emotions and was deceived by my flesh’s lust for different things.

DBM: Did you own up to it?

Tobe: I tried.

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Tobe: I have, in court. I don’t have access to her on phone so I had to use our divorce proceedings in court to ask for her forgiveness in person.

DBM: You did the right thing.

Tobe: I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I had a good wife, David Bondze-Mbir. All I do sometimes is to reminisce on the good times we once shared, the beautiful experiences she gave me; all the things we could have done, the dreams and future I promised her, but never did.

DBM: It’s good you know what you did to her and hopefully, the lessons learnt thus far. Now you have a new wife and marriage to apply it.

Tobe: That is right

DBM: You will be fine

Tobe: I will be fine

DBM: Indeed! Sometimes, GOD uses these experiences and mistakes we consciously or unconsciously make, to drive home the point we fail to realize when the people we were supposed to have loved right are no longer around.

Tobe: It really sucks. She is my one true love

DBM: I know! How is your relationship with your daughter?

Tobe: We’re close. She’s my everything.

DBM: Does she understand why you and her mother are no longer together?

Tobe: Yes

DBM: Okay!

Tobe: Dave

DBM: Yeah!

Tobe: Can you say something to encourage me?

DBM: What do you want me to say to you?

Tobe: Anything from your experience in marriage

DBM: You have to keep going because you have a new family now. Your partner deserves a good relationship with you. Put your energies into being a good man, a great husband and an awesome father. The most you can do is to be the very best of you. Whatever you now wish you could have been to your ex, become to your partner in your marriage. Love your wife. Do not fix her. Do not control her sense of self and being. Do not manipulate your way through her vulnerability and respect for you. Accept her and love her. Who knows, this could be the best one you’ve ever had.

Tobe: Thank you for your time.

Image Credit: Dapo Abideen

Wildwood Flower

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Sharod: David, I have to commend you. Your Facebook is lit. Honest to God; I used to not believe anything on your platform. Some of the stories were too good to be true until my own brother from the same mother and father shared his marital issues with you and made us read some of the comments under his story.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Well, I don’t really care whether or not you believe it. I am more interested in the lessons to be learnt from each story.

Sharod: Take a chill pill Bruh, it’s a compliment.

DBM: I know. Thanks!

Sharod: I have a positive story to share. 21 years ago, I rented a house that my now wife, had just moved out of. It was a very simple house. It had 2 decent sized bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a living room, a dining area, and a kitchen that was connected to the dining. It was very spacious and neat. The layout was spot-on. It did not feel cramped like where I had moved from. The bones of the house were solid; it had strong floors, walls and roof. It was relaxing and comfortable, as I was making myself at home three weeks after moving in. Then one evening, I heard an unexpected knock on my door. It was raining heavily that night. I opened the door and there stood this guy with a look of confusion written all over his face. He was looking for the former tenant. I told him I had moved in not long ago. Two days later, another man came knocking on the door. Four days later, a different guy came knocking looking for the same lady. I called the landlord to inform her. That was when she shared the hot gossip. The former tenant had wild orgies at the house and those guys were probably some of her participants or customers. In fact, that was the first best thing I had heard since moving to the area.

DBM: Lol! You’re funny!

Sharod: True. I was a hardworking, single young man in my early 30’s who needed a break to relax, have fun and let my hair down to enjoy some of the pleasures of life. Being part of an orgy had been a secret dream of mine.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Sharod: That’s the story I’m telling. I went out partying one weekend and I bumped into a lady. We were talking and getting to know each other. She asked where I stayed and I told her my new address. She laughed and asked me to give her a second. She ran back to the party and returned holding hands with my wife. She introduced us and then told me she used to live in my house. Come and see me smiling. I had finally found the legend. Her friend, before leaving us alone to chat, whispered to me, ‘You’re the type she usually goes for’.

DBM: Was she your type?

Sharod: I don’t usually have a type. I prefer giving people a shot, and before I know it, I’m having all the fun and I’m hooked. That’s how I know who complements me. If you don’t try giving people a chance with you, you may never know what works for you.

DBM: I concur!

Sharod: I told her about her male visitors at my door and we both laughed at the joke. I didn’t know what to expect but I was interested in knowing more about her life. That is one of the awesome things about getting to know all manner of people. You learn something new. Her days of partying, drinking and doing orgies were over. Damn. Not when it was supposed to be my turn. Lol

DBM: You’re silly! Lol! Why was she into that lifestyle, did you know?

Sharod: I asked her that question. She used to date a guy who was addicted to porn and always joked about how tempting it would be for them to have sex with another couple. She said her ex used to fantasize about sex with multiple partners. It wasn’t something she was interested in but because she loved the guy, she gave it a try. Her first experience turned out to be different from the way she had pictured it in her head.

DBM: Good different or bad?

Sharod: She didn’t like it but she kept doing it with him for a while to please him. She stopped when their relationship finally ended.

DBM: That was when she moved out of the house?

Sharod: I think.

DBM: Okay!

Sharod: We became friends and through our friendship, realized how much we liked each other. Nothing was more stimulating than when I realized her care for me could make me still surprise myself. I didn’t know I could love a woman so deeply. She reaffirmed the right kind of love and fondness that left a good taste in my mouth and later, heart. I wanted our relationship to work so I became too loyal. When I realized I was falling in love with her, I knew I didn’t have to have everything I thought I had to have in order to be happy in life. Appreciating one good woman and making sure she’s everything important to you is all it takes to be happy with your wife.

DBM: Are you happily married?

Sharod: Happily married for almost 20 years.

DBM: What do you like the most about the way your life is right now?

Sharod: I’m at peace with myself. I have peace in my heart.

DBM: What was your first impression of your wife, and what do you think about her now?

Sharod: She was different. That was my first impression of her. We could laugh together over stories from her past. We could listen to the reasons why we did what we did. My thoughts about her now are almost the same as my first impressions. I made the best decision for myself. She belongs in my heart. When she agreed the first day her friend introduced her to me at the party, to go back home with me to where she started life as an independent woman, and upon arrival, didn’t have to relive her wild memories with me, but rather made me understand a phase she once belonged in that home, I knew I could hold history in that house with her.

DBM: Before you met your wife, what were your views on marriage?

Sharod: I don’t know. My parents were married and I thought I would too. I knew exactly what I wanted and expected out of a love relationship, and I was not afraid to keep pushing until I found it in someone.

DBM: Was there anything about your wife that you wanted to change after you had gotten married?

Sharod: No. I loved her just the way she was. Marriage brought us closer and we still share the warmth, respect, excitement and our little acts of love. I’ve not stopped loving my wife. I’ve not stopped choosing my wife. I’ve not stopped celebrating my wife. I’ve not stopped belonging to my wife. I have not tricked her into thinking I am someone I am not. I’m still showing her my best side because I’m trying everyday to secure my marriage and relationship with her. I’m very intentional when it comes to our relationship, because in my mind, there’s still something to ‘woo’. I’m a big-time flirt when it comes to my wife. You will always see me amping my sultry side to just hookup with her.

DBM: How has your sex lives changed, and how do you communicate if you’re unsatisfied?

Sharod: I desire sex but it’s not an urgent need. Marriages of my friends ended because they saw sex as a need. It was a must have, else… It becomes a justification, intentionally or unintentionally to do things outside the marriage. My wife knows that sex draws us closer and she’s capable of putting my desires ahead of her own. When she’s not in the mood, I am capable of understanding her and suppressing my desires for the right time. I have a question.

DBM: Ask away

Sharod: How do you get through a difficult conflict in your marriage?

DBM: Lol! My partner and I hug. One of us, one way or the other would initiate a hug an hour or two after the disagreement. We don’t talk. We just stay in the warmth and comfort of the embrace. Every pride is put aside for the hug. It’s something we look forward to after a fight. We find strength in our tears – if any of us had to cry it all out. It has always been our unspoken promise of being there for one another. We’ve never insulted each other before. I have been mean every now and then but it wasn’t intended to hurt anyone. It’s not always a practical gesture and I don’t know if it’s going to work for everyone else, but we’ve been intentional on working out our differences with a hug. We’re seven years down the line and still married and expressing affection and reassurance.

Sharod: That’s a mature move there. How old are you?

DBM: 40

Sharod: And your significant other?

DBM: Also 40

Sharod: Nice one. It was nice talking to you David Bondze-Mbir.

Image Credit: Kampus

Passion Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ava: Can we chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Sure

Ava: I’m dating a guy who is getting a divorce. We co-own a house and three different plots of land. My name is on all the deeds of the properties because he doesn’t want to give his ex-wife access to them.

DBM: He is married.

Ava: No, he’s in the process of divorcing. They’ve been separated for two years

DBM: He’s still married. Has he showed you a signed divorce decree from a judge?

Ava: No.

DBM: Okay! He’s legally married.

Ava: His wife sent a text message to members of my church and everybody at my workplace, telling them I’m sleeping with her husband.

DBM: Are you sleeping with her husband?

Ava: Dave, my relationship with her ex-husband has nothing to do with her.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Ava: Two years. Almost three years

DBM: How did she know where you work and church?

Ava: I don’t know but I received phone calls from 45 of my church members and 17 of my colleagues from work about her text messages. She has really embarrassed me.

DBM: I’m sorry about that. What is her husband saying about what she did to you?

Ava: He’s handling it

DBM: How?

Ava: I don’t know, but he’s handling it.

DBM: Okay! You know it’s never too late to be a better version of the woman you want to be? A man jumps into a new relationship with you while still tied to his wife, and it’s not a bother to you?

Ava: What do you mean by that? I’m my best self

DBM: Okay! Are you happy in the relationship?

Ava: Very happy, Dave. He treats me well

DBM: Does he treat his wife well?

Ava: How does that concern me? Anytime he looks at his wife, though he cares about her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, excitement and love he once did.

DBM: She’s a woman he’s very familiar with and has known longer than you. He even married her. If he’s not treating her right, then his character will sooner than later catch up with you too. Does that not ever cross your mind?

Ava: We are two different people, Dave. His relationship with her has got nothing on what we have. Secondly, he says anytime he expresses how he feels about their marriage to her, he now has to deal with how she feels about his feelings as well. That’s why he deals with his thoughts on his own.

DBM: Betrayal often repeats itself

Ava: I love him. He is in love with me too

DBM: Love doesn’t change men like these overnight. Your love will never be enough to keep him faithful.

Ava: I am pregnant and he’s asking me to get rid of it.

DBM: Why?

Ava: He’s done with parenting.

DBM: How old is he?

Ava: 50

DBM: How old are his children?

Ava: His last born is 16 years old

DBM: How old are you?

Ava: 34. I want to keep the pregnancy

DBM: You want to have a child for a man who is trying anything to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?

Ava: No one is perfect, Dave. We all have our weaknesses.

DBM: You’re not responsible for someone else’s weakness. You’re responsible for your own.

Ava: His mother wants me to keep the pregnancy

DBM: How did she know about you?

Ava: She knows about me. She approves of our relationship.

DBM: I see!

Ava: I’m worried that he may want to end things with me if he finds out about my decision.

DBM: Be worried about the lies he will be telling you that will keep getting bigger and bigger, because it’s hard for men like him to stop. It’s automatic

Ava: You’re not helping, Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

You Oughta Know

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Heather: The husband of a friend of mine has been visiting a house in my neighborhood. The lady living in that house is not married but has two male visitors coming to her place on different days and they would each stay with her for hours before leaving. One of the male visitors, I know is married to my friend. He doesn’t know me but his wife and I go way back. It’s been an ongoing visitation for some time. The other male visitor that I do not know is also married. He has a wedding band on his ring finger. Also, he doesn’t always sleep over. That is how come I know he is someone’s husband. I discussed my concerns about my friend’s husband with my husband and he is telling me to mind my own business. Dave, what do you think I should do because I feel completely disgusted about the whole situation?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Listen to your husband eh.

Heather: You don’t mean that, do you?

DBM: No! Lol! I had to say something so the men on my platform don’t crucify me.

Heather: I’m being serious, Dave. What do I do?

DBM: Have you been a side-chick before?

Heather: Who, me?

DBM: Yes, you!

Heather: Never

DBM: Why not?

Heather: Because my father made me understand at a very young age that I deserved more, and that I shouldn’t assume no one would love me. Some of these girls are with married men because they feel that’s the best they can humanly do for love, so a married man would have to be good enough for them.

DBM: In-as-much as I do not agree with your husband’s stance on this issue, he’s got a point though. If these married men do not care about their wives with their actions outside of their homes, why should you? The women entertaining these men, knowing very well that they’re married also love the attention they’re getting and whatever else comes with it. I would suggest you let them: let them remain each other’s naughty little secret as they figure out ways to lie and pretend to themselves and others.

Heather: How about my friend? Because my conscience wouldn’t let me rest

DBM: If it were you, would you have wanted to know?

Heather: Yes

DBM: Invite her over to your place on the days her husband visits the lady. I would rather she’s a witness to it herself than you doing the telling.

Heather: Ok. You men can be such a disappointment it isn’t even funny.

DBM: He’s doing the cheating with a woman. Do not forget that part too.

Heather: I know but the reality of it is what saddens me.

DBM: Yeah, it’s rather unfortunate.

Heather: I’ve been asking myself what would make my husband cheat on me

DBM: That is, if he’s not already doing it

Heather: He’s not given me any reason to doubt his fidelity yet

DBM: Good for you! What’s his profession?

Heather: He’s a lecturer at Legon.

DBM: Good luck with that one!

Heather: Why do you say that?

DBM: Trust me, you will need it!

Heather: But why?

DBM: I don’t know why, just saying.

Heather: What makes a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. People are different

Heather: Ok. In your opinion, what would make a man cheat on his wife?

DBM: The typical man loves to pursue or chase after what excites him. A wife who is in love with her husband is always there for him at home. Always being there for whatever he wants makes it a bit easier for a man to take you for granted. Some married men also do these things just to see if they’ve still got it in them; that spark in his ability to talk to someone different and attractive, ask for their phone numbers and go all the way in – if permitted.

Heather: How about sex?

DBM: A lot of guys love sex and would want to be adventurous with it. So, if they’re not getting enough of it at home, and the other lady expressing interest in him is willing to desire and want him to do the most with her, he wouldn’t mind risking it all for a moment of thrill and excitement, just to quench his lust. But again, it’s not set in stone: a woman can give a man everything he’s desiring and he’d still cheat on her.

Heather: I’ve seen a conversation on my husband’s phone once, telling a family friend of ours how much he misses being single.

DBM: You don’t miss being single?

Heather: No

DBM: Well, your husband does sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Heather: My husband is my world, Dave. I don’t know what I would do without him.

DBM: You want my honest opinion?

Heather: Always

DBM: Please do not make your husband the center of your whole world. Do not trust men, not just your husband. Believe him if he tells you he loves you but do not trust him entirely. Men will disappoint you, one way or the other. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation whereby, should he ever let you down – you start to feel like you have no reason to live. Your whole world should not fall apart simply because a man you trust has broken that trust. Learn to prepare yourself to be strong enough to want to move on with your life, with or without him in it.

Heather: Are you talking about if he cheats on me?

DBM: That, and also through natural causes like death. You need to have something else other than him to look forward to each morning. You need to become your own person time after time. A man’s love for you shouldn’t make you forget or lose your personality and identity. His love for you should not make you overlook your dreams for the future. You can strike a fair balance between being his wife while still acting as your individual self.

Heather: Is that an honest advice you will give to your wife?

DBM: Fortunately for me, my partner’s life and dreams do not revolve around me. We are two very separate individuals, though bound by love and marriage, but with our very independent thoughts, opinions and ideas. My overall happiness doesn’t depend on my partner. My sanity will not hinge on whether or not the one I’m in love with treats me well. Your husband shouldn’t be the only good thing happening in your life.

Heather: But he is, he and my children. Otherwise, why marry me?

DBM: Tell me, how would you honestly feel if your husband were to wake up one morning and expect only you to be responsible for every ounce of his happiness from that day; would you think it’s fair and healthy to you?

Heather: No

DBM: Okay! Anyways, how close are you to the friend whose husband has been frequenting your neighborhood?

Heather: Not so close but close. We catch up when we catch up.

DBM: Why haven’t you told her all this while?

Heather: A lady I know, who found out her serious boyfriend was actually a married man, outed him to his wife with evidence of their relationship and the man died in his sleep at home three months later. He was a young man in his 40’s. He died just like that. I think I’ve been holding back with this information because I do not know how far my friend could go if she found out. A woman who feels betrayed by her husband can go to the extreme every chance she gets.

Image Credit: Ovid Burke    

Struttin’ With Some Barbecue

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Oumar: Hello David. I want to share how I met my wife. I was working in Johannesburg in 2014. It was a holiday and I had made plans with some of my work colleagues to go out to a strip club. We arrived at the club after 11:30pm and the show had already begun. All kinds of pretty girls were there but the one who caught my attention first, was my wife. She was in her thin lingerie on the stage performing on the pole. I could not take my eyes off her. She was the focal point on stage. The lights had been dimmed, and was dancing for a room full of almost 300 horny men, all looking at her. She twerked and made her sexy moves to entertain all the guys cheering her on, and then after the stage performance, walked down to every guy in the room’s table to collect her tips. I watched eagerly as those pleased with her dance moves tucked money in her almost-nothing undergarment.

She got to my table and I rewarded her handsomely, and she noticed my tip. The amount was huge; even I knew I had gone too far with it but I wanted her to have it. She had earned it. She asked if I needed anything in particular, and I said no. She left my table and went round to collect from the other guys before coming back to me, again. She handed me a note requesting for my presence in her private chamber. I gladly followed. She asked me to sit while she lap-danced on me. The craziest sh*t I had ever experienced. Though it was purely professional, it was hot as f*ck. I enjoyed my drink while she made her nasty moves on me. When she was done and tired, she sat on my lap to catch a breath. I held on to her so tight. I could feel her smile. She turned to stare back at me with a smile. It was after she had thanked me for my generous tip that I realized I was interested in knowing her.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): She being a stripper wasn’t a bother to you?

Oumar: You have asked a very important question. I used to live by a specific set of values, and because of that, I wasn’t so very accepting of others that easily. But after I had asked why she stripped and she gave me her reasons, I was willing to acknowledge her reality as her truth and did not make any attempt to push my expectations on her to change her profession. She needed money to pay for her tuition and feeding at school. She was a student at The University of the Witwatersrand, Johannesburg.

DBM: Interesting! Why did you want to get to know her?

Oumar: She was an attractive lady. I think attraction sparked at first sight. And it sneaked up on me when we had our one-on-one encounter in her private chamber. It was stealthy and unexpected. I also took notice of how intelligent and sensitive she was in person. She had a good sense of humor and was an ambitious girl. She carried herself so well and was super confident. I was drawn to all. We became friends for eight months before our first kiss and hook-up. I liked her from the start but my feelings of love for her were like a sleeping cat. It took eight months of knowing, liking, accepting and respecting her before it awakened.

DBM: That’s good to know.

Oumar: Yes. I kind of knew I liked her from the onset but I didn’t want to encourage myself to believe that. The interest grew when I realized she wasn’t playing the ‘hard-to-get’ games with me. Though she did not sell herself cheap, she made sure she didn’t make her presence and feelings for me so hard to win me over. One of the reasons why I didn’t give up on her. I married her two months after our first kiss. We’re still growing strong as a couple, two kids later.

DBM: Congratulations! I love stories like these. What would you say is making your marriage stand out and not blend in?

Oumar: I made a decision to fall in love with her as many times as I could, each day of our lives together. It’s the same woman every day, but I still enjoy it. I am loyal to my wife; I am committed to my wife. I trust my wife and she trusts me. I am emotionally exclusive with only her. Physically, my fidelity is to only her, so Dave, you don’t have to ask whether I have cheated on her before. I am very faithful to my wife. Mentally, I am dedicated to only her needs. I take my marriage to my wife very seriously and have not forgotten that, our relationship prior to marriage required daily effort. I have not become lazy after our ‘I do’s’. Also, I did not come into our marriage with any unreasonable expectations concerning sex or intimacy. We instead, build each other up. Anytime we’re out together, we are always holding hands; we are always cuddling at bedtime. Do not get me wrong, we both have our shortcomings and we are not blind to our faults. However, we choose to rather celebrate our strengths and support each other in areas we are weak.

DBM: What is your wife’s current profession?

Oumar: She’s the Chief Finance Officer at the company she works for. She’s making close to R4.5 million per year.

Image Credit: Haybee The Photographer

Sentimental Journey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mofoluwakemi: My husband’s first wife reached out to me one day to ask if I still loved her husband. Let me put it in context; my husband is my first love. The only man I have ever loved. We broke things off in 2008 because I left for Canada to study and fell in love with Vancouver. We had by then dated for two years. I sent him a long email explaining why I he should consider joining me abroad. I told him about the thriving job market, predominantly in industries like technology, which was his field of expertise. And the fact that it also offered a perfect balance of work and personal life. He wanted to remain in Ibadan. I had just started a new job and, after seven months, I got an email from him suggesting we ended things. It was tough but we did end the relationship. Fast forward to nine months later, he got married to his first wife. Two years into their marriage, his wife sent me an email asking if I still loved her husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Were you still talking to him after the breakup?

Mofoluwakemi: No Mr. David, communication in all forms ceased.

DBM: I see. How did she get your email address?

Mofoluwakemi: She said there was an internet Café’ near their house that she and her husband used to frequent. They had both gone there that day and there were a lot of people. So, when her husband was done using the computer, he asked her to come and use his station. He had forgotten to log out of his email when she was about to check hers.

DBM: Interesting.

Mofoluwakemi: Yes. That’s not even all. She said prior to her chancing on our email exchanges, she had woken up at dawn to her husband sleep talking or crying out my name and professing how much he still was in love with me. She said their physical intimacy was great, but she realized as much as he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to being vulnerable or even sharing intimate details of his life with her. And it bothered her for the most time.

DBM: She knew of your name then?

Mofoluwakemi: She did. And had been curious to find all the information there was to me. They had been married for two and a half years with a 12 months old daughter, who was named after me.

DBM: Eish! That’s to the extreme

Mofoluwakemi: It actually came as shock to her too, realizing her daughter’s first name was actually in remembrance of me.

DBM: What was your relationship status during this moment?

Mofoluwakemi: I was single and working hard. I needed the money and experience my job was offering.

DBM: Understandable.

Mofoluwakemi: She said she wrote down my email address after reading every conversation me and her husband used to have on yahoo.com. The first time she sent me a message, she introduced herself and told me how much she loved her husband but also wanted him to find true love. She said she felt something was missing in his life that she couldn’t be the one to fill wholeheartedly. She brought up the idea of me sending him an email to check on him, if I still had feelings for him.

DBM: You had gotten over him, no?

Mofoluwakemi: Dave, what I shared with that man was real. I couldn’t have gotten over him just like that. I still loved him, though we hadn’t spoken in years. I actually tried to date guys in Vancouver to take my mind off him, but I couldn’t because I was so much in love with him. Anytime I would allow another man to get close, I will feel this urge of suddenly being trapped and would frequently be tensed or just find myself crying the arms of these men, while thinking of my husband.

DBM: Hmmm! How did the marriage arrangement come about?

Mofoluwakemi: His wife gave her blessing of approval if I still was interested in her husband. She was willing to share him with me.

DBM: What’s your religion?

Mofoluwakemi: I’m a Christian.

DBM: What’s his wife religion?

Mofoluwakemi: She’s a Muslim.

DBM: That makes a lot more sense. What’s your husband’s religion?

Mofoluwakemi: He’s a Christian.

DBM: Interesting. He did not convert to Islam before marrying his wife?

Mofoluwakemi: He wasn’t forced to. Apparently, the woman comes from a very level-headed Muslim background and family.

DBM: I see. So, you eventually reached out to him?

Mofoluwakemi: No, I did not.

DBM: Why not?

Mofoluwakemi: I wasn’t sure it the right thing to do, going after someone else’s husband like that.

DBM: How did you end up becoming a wife?

Mofoluwakemi: She knew her husband’s yahoo.com password. She sent me an email pretending to be him, expressing how much he’s been thinking about me and wanted to know if I was also going through the same phase. I replied to his message and he found out someone had used his email address to contact me. But Dave, who doesn’t love a good theatrical declaration of undying affection? That’s how we started to talk again. His wife later confessed to the act. He said he went straight to the house to tell his wife of what had happened in his email at the café. His wife told me that was the first time in their marriage that her husband could trust her with that part of him he could have easily hidden from her.

DBM: He cared for her too, I guess!

Mofoluwakemi: On a very deep level. We got married a year later. I moved back to Nigeria to join my husband.

DBM: You all live together?

Mofoluwakemi: No, he bought a 5-bedroom house for me as my wedding gift, and built a 5-bedroom house for his first wife as his appreciation present for her kind initiative. But his wife and I have become the best of friends and out children love each other.

Image Credit: TUBARONES PHOTOGRAPHY

Let The Little Girl Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Oluchi: Hi

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hiya!

Oluchi: How do we do this?

DBM: Just write what’s on your mind

Oluchi: I was 18 years old when I got married to the man my parents, specifically, my mother picked as my prospective groom. I didn’t have much to say in their arrangement. It was my 18th birthday and I woke up that morning to my engagement ceremony. We’ve been married for 17 years and I have nothing in common with my husband other than our two kids. Our relationship hasn’t grown; we don’t talk, because there’s nothing to talk about. I know what love is but I don’t know how to give him my love. I couldn’t have time to hatch a plan to run away from home when I realized I was being married off to a stranger. My husband sedated and raped me under the guise of marital obligation. It was my first sexual encounter. I have woken up many times in the course of our marriage to find him having sex with me without my consent. I’ve been drugged, raped and abused for 17 years in a marriage I did not consent to. And I have had enough.

DBM: Marriage without your consent is invalid and non-binding, even if your parents are in agreement

Oluchi: I didn’t know any of that. I was only 18 and thought it was a surprise birthday party. I heard my parents saying yes to a lot of things before I was forced to accept the man as my husband. I didn’t know his family had come to knock on our door to inform my family of their son’s wish to marry me. I had never met the groom before. Only my parents knew of him. I was asked to wear a new kente dress my mother arranged to be made for me, along with gold jewelry to accent the attire. It was when an aunty came to my room and had in her hand tekua, for me to wear on my head, that I figured it wasn’t a surprise birthday party. By the time I was asked to join them downstairs, his family had presented clothes, jewelry, money and other items as my dowry. My brothers were also given money. Members of both of our families sat across from each other and I was told to say yes, three times. I was then presented to the man’s family. My husband gave my dad schnapps and the spokesperson said the marriage was sealed.

DBM: Did you find out why they gave your hand in marriage without informing you?

Oluchi: I know why

DBM: Why?

Oluchi: Because my mother caught me masturbating. She entered my room without knocking to grab her sewing kit box and found me squirting to lesbian porn. I was 16 years old. She also found similar porn magazines I had hidden in my room and ran to my father, crying to tell him. That was the first time my daddy looked at me with disgust and punched me in the face. I fell on the ground panting for air. They locked me in my room like a prisoner for two weeks. Since then, I have lived my life in fear.

DBM: I am terribly sorry. This is absolutely heartbreaking

Oluchi: Before my husband took me away, my mother told him to put the fear of God in me

DBM: Hmmm!

Oluchi: I left my husband’s house.

DBM: How long ago?

Oluchi: 3 months.

DBM: How about your children?

Oluchi: I left without them.

DBM: Do they know where you are?

Oluchi: No, but I have been visiting them in school. They know I am fine

DBM: How about your parents?

Oluchi: They’ve been dead to me since I was 18. I don’t care about them anymore.

DBM: Do you work?

Oluchi: Yes. I started a new job three months ago. I had to change jobs because my husband and parents knew where I worked previously. I was living a miserable life, Dave. I wasn’t happy. I was depressed. I was suicidal.

DBM: Are you going to be alright wherever you are now?

Oluchi: Yes.

DBM: Do you know why I’m not saying much to you?

Oluchi: No

DBM: Because you’re the only person that is sure to remain in your life and stand by you forever when everyone one else sees you as the problem. I am so glad you have cut ties with your parents and husband. Any person that holds you back from growing mentally with their actions or choice of words are not welcome. Stand your ground and never again allow any man or woman to stretch their wickedness any further. You will find a way to be happy.

Oluchi: I want to experience what it means to be happy

DBM: You will, and when you do, you will project it so loud – it will attract the right person to your heart.

Oluchi: I have a really good job that brings me stability.

DBM: Stability is attractive.

Oluchi: Hehehe

DBM: How old are your children?

Oluchi: 16 and 14. They saw and heard their father become abusive towards me in every way. The subtle physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional and verbal abuse broke me down to the extent that, they started to worry. My son was the one who begged me to leave their father. He told me he had never seen me happy since he was born. Though I visit them in school and secretly give them money to save, they have never told their father nor grandparents about my school visitations. They understand why mummy is not home with them, and they’re okay.

DBM: Is your husband the only man you’ve been with?

Oluchi: Yes. I don’t know of any other man or woman sexually.

DBM: What’s your short-term goal?

Oluchi: Get a divorce. Connect with my children and have them come around. Find a loving woman to be in a relationship with.

DBM: Okay! Your husband doesn’t deserve you. Whatever your parents’ reasons were to throw you to the wolves in the name of marriage, know that the abuse you suffered wasn’t your fault nor your responsibility. Only your husband is responsible for his behavior. Your parents are responsible for their neglect and abuse of you. Being a lesbian does not excuse their bad behavior. Nothing ever excuses any form of abuse or disrespect. No matter how ‘straight’ you pretend to become, your parent’s behavior and that of your husband’s is their choice.

Oluchi: Yes

DBM: You have life. You have your sanity. You have GOD. You have a good job. You have your children. That’s all that matters at the end of the day.

Oluchi: Dave, it got to a point in my marriage I was willing to force myself to fall in love with my children’s father, even though I have a strong attraction to women. It was so confusing to pretend because I am not sexually attracted to men. I have fantasied about women since I was 11 years old.

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see a woman you like?

Oluchi: Let me give a typical example. When I was in JSS 1, we had a class prefect who always added my name to the names of talkative on the board. Anytime she did that, I would look at her angrily, and in my teenage brain, picture myself as a handsome guy and be thinking about all the things I would do to her in the bedroom. She was my first crush, and I didn’t even like her.

DBM: Ha!

Oluchi: Anytime my husband is on top of me and sweating, I get very jealous that I may never know what it feels like to penetrate a woman. Because in my mind, I am also a man and would be fantasizing about having sex with a woman who wants me. If I had not left my marriage, I would have poisoned my husband to become the grieving widow trying to date women.

DBM: Have you come out to your children?

Oluchi: I have. It was nerve-wracking to be vulnerable before my kids.

DBM: Did they understand you?

Oluchi: My daughter understood. It was my son whose first reaction was anger. It’s taking him a bit of time to process why his mother would be attracted to women.

DBM: How long ago was this?

Oluchi: Three months ago, at their school. It’s recent.

DBM: People need their own timing to process such information. It’s not rejection.

Oluchi: I know

DBM: I am very proud of you. Well done!

Oluchi: How long do you think it’s going to take a boy child to talk to his mother about how he feels about her preference?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. Every child is different. You basically disrupted his assumptions of you. That is not his idea of how a woman should love. His feelings may or not change with time but you did the right thing by being honest with them. They deserve to know and understand why their mother will never want to be with the opposite sex. Doing right by the people you love also means being honest with them. Just keep the door open for questions and communication. It nurtures an environment where progress is possible.

Oluchi: They know they can ask or talk to me about anything. When I visited them two weeks ago, he asked me if I ever loved his father. He also asked if I knew I was a lesbian before marrying their father. He asked if I ever cheated on their father with a woman. He wanted to know if my parents knew about my sexuality, and if I had ever had a relationship with a woman before marrying their father. I answered all his questions truthfully.

DBM: Good! It shows them that you’re indeed open and actively listening to what their concerns are, and that you have a vested interest in trying to understand their point of view. You’re teaching them an important life skill: Every human being deserves to feel seen, heard and respected. You’re not forcing them to accept you. You’re teaching them to be open-minded. Just give them space to take care of their own emotions while you also explore yours at your own pace.

Oluchi: I will keep you updated

Image Credit: ALLAN FRANCA CARMO

Yesterday When I Was Young

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Imani: Mr. David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please!

Imani: I’m a big fan of how you do Facebook.

DBM: I appreciate you!

Imani: I am 36 years old. I’ve been in a relationship with my guy for 5 years. I am sure about him and our relationship so far. He is the realest guy I know; I don’t feel invisible in his eyes. He understands me. It’s rare to have had a guy like him loving me because I have never found someone who sees me like he does. He believes I am the prettiest woman in his eyes and worthy of his love. Everything I’ve prayed for in a husband is him but he doesn’t believe in marriage. He’s told me he’s never going to get married to anyone. I want to get married.

DBM: Have you asked why he’s not interested in marriage?

Imani: He told me his parents were miserable in their marriage and his mother had to endure being unhappy with his dad because she was solely at the mercy of on his financial support. He has also seen the marriages of some of his friends and their parents end in divorce. He doesn’t see the need to spend so much money on a single day’s event. I have also heard him make jokes with friends about not involving the laws of the nation in his relationships because it’s an indirect way of handing a woman with a chainsaw to ruin his life with.

DBM: What do you want for your love life in order to feel settled and secure?

Imani: I want marriage. I want more

DBM: If you want more than just co-habiting with a man, you would have to be intentional on making space for more.

Imani: But I don’t want to lose him, Dave. My past relationships have all been bitter. This is the only bittersweet relationship I have stayed the longest and felt seen and accepted. In him, I feel seen, honestly. He sees me when I’m in doubt. He sees me when I am lost in my insecurities.

DBM: If a man accepts you, he accepts all of you. A part of who you are desires marriage and he’s unwilling to acknowledge that. That is not total acceptance of you. A man ought to feel excited, I mean, really happy or at least, feel at ease with the mere thought of marrying you to prove to himself that marriage is the right decision for him. Does he feel all these when he’s around you?

Imani: I think he feels it. He’s just not sure if it’s the right step to take. My pastor was suggesting to me to invite him to church one day and surprise him with a public proposal.

DBM: As in, you proposing to him?

Imani: Yes.

DBM: Are you built for that?

Imani: I can actually do it. He’s the type that would not publicly embarrass me.

DBM: Do not be the woman to pressure an unwilling man to say ‘yes’ to a marriage proposal just to please you. If I’m understanding the kind of man, you’ve thus far presented to me, it will be very easy for him to accept your proposal in the moment to avoid any form of public awkwardness. I disagree with your pastor. The guy can easily say ‘yes’ to play along, knowing very well he’s specifically told you marriage is not his thing; and then end the relationship outright later in private. Who loses at the end of the day?

Imani: How can a man care about a woman like he does with me and not see himself taking that step with me? Everyone close to us keep asking me when we would be tying the knot.

DBM: Let the man be. Allow him to live his life the way he wants and on his own terms.

Imani: What about my own terms?

DBM: You can find it elsewhere. There are a dozen single men looking to settle down with the women of their dreams. Also, marriage isn’t really for everyone.

Imani: Marriage is for me.

DBM: Yes, but there is also more to his life than just becoming your husband.

Imani: Dave, you are married, anaa?

DBM: Yes, and marriage is a partnership. Partners ought to be on the same page. Trust me, you would want to be with a man who would love you the way you want to be loved. A man who, you wouldn’t have to say or expect your desires met and he’s already done it just to make you happy, because it makes him happy to see you happy.

Imani: I don’t think I’m ready to join the single pool again. Those waters are cold with deprivation.

DBM: Tell me a little about yourself

Imani: I am a licensed professional. I design high-end residential and commercial buildings, and other structures.

DBM: An architect?

Imani: Yes

DBM: What else makes you stand out and not blend in?

Imani: I do everything with valor. I’m a risktaker, I work hard, and I try not to crumble when things go wrong. I am determined, resilient and have a calm confidence to move one day at a time. I keep my thoughts clear at all times and wouldn’t stay silent when my voice needs to be heard. I love deeply

DBM: Marriage isn’t the ultimate goal of life. You can be unmarried and still consider yourself worthy, simply because of your accomplishments.

Imani: Good men are hard to find these days

DBM: I know! And the right and better man for you wouldn’t opt to stay on the fence when it comes to what is important to you. The man you’re currently with is not going to marry you, if marriage truly is what you want. Make the best decision for yourself.

Imani: What do you think a woman can do to make a man do her wish?

DBM: What you can do is not to settle for a man’s bullshit. You have been having sex with a man you claim loves you for five years – and still waiting on him to ask you to marry him. Who is to blame here? Even married men of today operate with the mentality that they’ve got to have a lot of freedom in their marriages. Most men want more than enough rope to hang themselves. They want the freedom and independence to come and go as they please – and do what they want when they want. Men want to go out, get laid, and not have to answer to anybody. And, these are even the married ones, so imagine your current situation and the rope your willingness to accept his conditions gives him.

Imani: Now, that’s tough. I will think about it.

DBM: Marriage to the right partner is a beautiful experience. Commitment to the right partner outside of marriage can equally be great. Being unmarried or single is not a bad thing, at least, not in my eyes. It’s not a curse or a problem that needs to be fixed at all cost. It’s not an experience to be ashamed of. It’s just where you are in life, and life happens to all of us. Do not be defined by it. You do not owe anyone an explanation. Be comfortable loving who you are. Marriage will happen when it happens at the right time. But assuming it does not, make peace with it. Everything happens for a reason. Just because you don’t have a husband or children doesn’t mean you’re incomplete.

Imani: Thank you David Bondze-Mbir. No one has ever spoken to me this way before.

Image Credit: Picha Stock

Before The Next Teardrop Falls

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Osei: Who would have thought I’d be one of those anonymous people in your inbox. Listen to this crazy stuff; the wife of my wife’s boss sent me an email. First, she reached out to me on LinkedIn. I didn’t know who she was. 15 minutes after accepting her request, I got an email from her. She had found out recently that her husband and my wife had a joint bank account. They each made payments from their benefits into this one account and trusted each other to withdraw from it as and when need be.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s weird. How much is in the account?

Osei: I don’t know but she shared a copy of a receipt her husband accidentally forgot to throw away in one of his trousers while doing his laundry. He had withdrawn Ghs 15,500. She mentioned a day and date her husband had traveled to work on a project, and it coincidentally was the same date my wife had to attend a friend’s funeral for days. Dave, my wife and I are pretty much open and honest with each other and I wouldn’t be able to recall a single day that we’ve had to argue about money.

DBM: You confronted your wife, no?

Osei: I did. She did not talk about the account but rather her high and intense sex drive that, according to her, I have a challenge being able to fulfill her needs.

DBM: I don’t understand.

Osei: Longevity during sex and my d*ck size.

DBM: Are you aware of this concern she has of you?

Osei: Dave, unless she’s been faking sexual satisfaction with me all these years, then no.

DBM: Do you enjoy sex with your wife?

Osei: Very much

DBM: Have you ever asked her if she enjoys having sex with you?

Osei: I think so. She used to praise me

DBM: Ha!

Osei: That’s just even the crust of the issue. We all agreed she was having an affair with her boss. What I found shocking was when she began sharing her fantasies with me. Fantasies I knew nothing about. She and her boss had been exploring group sex. They had had threesomes where she was the only woman in the room, and she loved it. She also said having sex with two men at the same time is what sets her skin on fire.

DBM: I’m going to ask you a few random questions. Don’t ask me why. Just give a yes or no response. Can you?

Osei: Yes

DBM: When you were dating your wife, was she the only woman you were being intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: After you got married, has she been the only woman you’re intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: Okay! Please continue with your story

Osei: I asked her how long it had been going on and she said three years.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Osei: 9 years

DBM: I see

Osei: Then she asked me if I would consider exploring these desires with her and her boss, instead of her always having to sneak around? She also said she was getting tired of hiding her fantasies from me and wanted it to be a part of our intimacy.

DBM: That’s a lot to take in

Osei: That bitch looked me in the eye last week and told me she knows and can predict every beat of my sex life like an overplayed Diana Hamilton song on UTV. How can a wife tell her husband he is boring in bed and that has created a gnawing itch that no one man, no matter how much he loves her, can satisfy?

DBM: How old is your wife?

Osei: 40

DBM: How old are you?

Osei: 44

DBM: You have kids?

Osei: Yes, three girls. Why were you asking if I was cheating on my wife?

DBM: Before I answer your question, let me ask a question: had you and your wife discussed boundaries before or after marriage?

Osei: What do you mean by boundaries?

DBM: Everything you both dislike or can never forgive on the table to see if there is any potential to go forward with the relationship.

Osei: No

DBM: I have a theory that, in-as-much as a higher percentage of men feel they don’t share their side of stories related to why they’re not happy in their marriages, men are still the very people choosing to break their own homes. Exhibit A is found in your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses to my questions. And, it’s not just you. Every man I have ever spoken to – whose wife is cheating or making him feel like he’s going through a whole lot of hell with her, had been cheating on his wife first. They will not readily accept this fact but that is the unfortunate truth.

Osei: Every man I know cheats. It’s normal. Dave, are you trying to tell me you don’t cheat?

DBM: I am trying to tell you your wife is currently seeking the hands of her boss and total strangers secretly, because you stopped exploring the woman she is, and already have at home.

Osei: But did she have to cheat back?

DBM: Did you sit her down to discuss the desires tempting you to explore with other women? If I ever should consider cheating on my partner, I would talk before I cheat.

Osei: You know I’m heading straight for a divorce with her confession?

DBM: I honestly don’t think you should be extremely mad at her. When you’re out there sleeping with other people, which part of you makes you feel like what you’re doing is as bad as how your wife’s actions are suddenly making you feel?

Osei: I don’t think you should be defending her adultery.

DBM: I am not in support of her actions. You are choosing not to understand what I’m drawing your attention to. You have not been upfront and honest about everything you have been up to. You’ve been hiding and erasing your own bad behavior – and pretending to be closed off with your feelings. Women can do bad all by themselves if you lead them into their crazy with your crazy.

Osei: I wasn’t expecting to hear anything different from you

DBM: Men never cease to amaze me! We start a game without first bothering to read its manual. You break your marriage and wait for the partner to catch up to help you do the work for you. We knowingly or unknowingly force people we claim we love to assume responsibilities for tasks and chaos we create in our own marriages. A man will whine about accountability yet hate to be accountable. No wonder wives of today are choosing to stay in touch with their intuition and err on the side of caution.

Osei: We all know you’re biased when it comes to these whores of another gender.

DBM: Your wife is experiencing a sexual awakening and starving for mass sex. Her hunger is making her want to be gulped, adulated and fucked senselessly. Go figure!

Osei: Do you know why I came to your inbox?

DBM: Why?

Osei: I needed someone to just hear me out and empathize with me.

DBM: I hear you; I really do.

Osei: You don’t. You’re rather attacking me.

DBM: Listen, ma guy, you cannot just will happiness in marriage to happen or hope that if you continue playing enough mind-games on your wife, something will give. Your marriage is struggling, and you can attest to that. You cannot control your wife’s actions. She cannot control yours. What you both have control over is what you choose to do and how you choose to accept, forgive or manage the other’s behavior. That is marriage for you. There is always something to work on.

Osei: My marriage is practically over. I cannot forgive something like this. I’ve withdrawn from her emotionally.

DBM: That’s understandable.

Osei: Come to think of it, anytime she returned home from a trip, she was in a happy mood, which was significantly improving the atmosphere at home and thought was lessening the tension between us.

DBM: Welcome to illicit sexual encounter. Everything you just described is exactly what you also bring home after returning from one of your side-chick sessions.

Osei: Bye.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Ain’t No Cure For Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Comey: Hi senior. Are you a counselor?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No sir.

Comey: You’re not a professional therapist?

DBM: I am not.

Comey: What are you into?

DBM: Communications

Comey: That’s your professional background?

DBM: Yes please

Comey: Why do you do these things on FB?

DBM: Which things?

Comey: Counseling, music, preaching

DBM: I don’t counsel. I don’t preach. I just chat with people who are comfortable opening up to me. I like listening to people when I have the time. I can sometimes be good at expanding perspectives, and if in the right mood, offer feedback on how I would deal with a difficult situation.

Comey: Are you a musician?

DBM: I’m a songwriter who just happens to love to sing.

Comey: You don’t sing professionally?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why do you shoot music videos and record songs? You spend money on all that, don’t you?

DBM: I do. I love to document all my works, thus my reason for recording and registering them. Someday, if I’m to leave this earth, I’d want to confidently leave knowing I put out all the talents and giftings deposited in me by GOD.

Comey: Do you have a performing rights organization representing the songs you write?

DBM: Yes. Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI Music)

Comey: Can I ask another personal question?

DBM: It depends on the type of question

Comey: How much do you spend on recording music and shooting videos?

DBM: I’ve spent over ten thousand dollars.

Comey: Do you make money from music?

DBM: No!

Comey: Have you considered pursuing counselling professionally?

DBM: No!

Comey: Why not?

DBM: I tend to be very emotional and biased.

Comey: But you actively know how to listen

DBM: When I am in the right mood to want to, yes.

Comey: Is that not the minimum basic skill for counseling?

DBM: Yeah, but it’s not my life’s mandate, unfortunately.

Comey: Do you follow up on your clients?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why don’t you?

DBM: Because they are not ‘clients’ and I don’t want to be invested.

Comey: So, it ends after the chat?

DBM: Yes. I have to gauge my own energy and desire.

Comey: I need someone who will check up on me after sharing my problems with them.

DBM: I can recommend a professional therapist. He charges per the hour. He is very experienced and passionate, and has made huge contributions to the field.

Comey: How much does he charge?

DBM: $150/hr

Comey: Ghanaian?

DBM: No! He’s American. I know him personally. He does remote sessions with some of his clients too. Let me know if you’re interested.

Comey: Ok. Can I share my issue with you so I know what you make of it?

DBM: I’m all ears.

Comey: I think I’ve found my soulmate. I knew from the first day we agreed to be friends and I’ve loved her every moment. I broke things off with her at a point, and moved on with my life. She married a different man three years ago. We met at a function in 2022, and she told me she had been trying to find me. I had been trying to find out what she had been up to through mutual friends over the years too. When we met at the function, she told me she’s only been in love with me. Dave, she’s the only woman I have been in love with. I found out in 2022 that she was pregnant with her husband’s child but didn’t want to keep it. She wanted us to try rekindling our relationship to see if we still had a chance.

DBM: She was married in 2022, no?

Comey: Yes, and under 11 weeks pregnant when we had this conversation at the private function.

DBM: Okay!

Comey: She wanted an abortion, and asked me to find her a trusted doctor. I knew of a doctor who assessed her pregnancy and told us she was suitable to have a medical abortion at home. To clear things up, it wasn’t my suggestion to get rid of the pregnancy. She did not want to continue with the pregnancy nor keep her husband’s baby, and she confirmed to the doctor that her decision was her preferred option.

DBM: Her husband had no say in this?

Comey: The doctor said it was her choice and her right to do so

DBM: Did her husband know about the pregnancy?

Comey: He did.

DBM: I see

Comey: The doctor prepared a treatment pack for her, which included medicines she’d need for the abortion treatment, and some pain killers and other tablets. I collected the pack from the clinic and delivered it to her at work. I did not hear from her for two weeks. The day she called, she had gone to see the doctor to do a scan and the result was negative.

DBM: How did you feel after hearing from her?

Comey: Relief, sadness, a bit of joy, all combined.

DBM: Was that her first pregnancy?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Is she divorced now?

Comey: Not yet.

DBM: What is the current status of your relationship?

Comey: My relationship with her?

DBM: Yes

Comey: We’re still in touch and in love.

DBM: Why is she still married?

Comey: We were in the planning process to figure out the best way to break the news to her husband.

DBM: And?

Comey: She got pregnant again.

DBM: With her husband’s child?

Comey: We don’t know

DBM: You were sleeping with her?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Unprotected?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Are you sleeping with any other women?

Comey: One or two, but with protection. She’s the only one I do raw with.

DBM: What do you feel for the one or two you fuck with?

Comey: It’s just sex, nothing important.

DBM: Is she keeping this pregnancy?

Comey: We are. She believes it could be mine

DBM: It could as well be for the husband, no?

Comey: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the end game here?

Comey: She still doesn’t know how to ask her husband for a divorce.

DBM: You are the ‘how’ to her puzzle. What’s so difficult about being honest with her husband? She has no reason to sugarcoat or beautify a lie. You two managed to abort his first attempt to fatherhood. It’s only fair to dish him the remaining painful truth than to be lying and unintentionally giving him false hope.

Comey: She wants me to join her at home so we can both break the news to him.

DBM: How old are you?

Comey: 38

DBM: How old is she?

Comey: Also, in her 30’s

DBM: What are you going to do?

Comey: I would have joined her at home to do this but she said her husband know of my name.

DBM: How so?

Comey: She’s accidentally moaned and cried out my name three different times while having sex with her husband. Because we cannot predict the outcome of things, we are both not sure if it’s the right move.

DBM: Do you truly love this young lady?

Comey: My love for her grows over time. We have shared quality moments and memories that I cannot let go. She has my support.

DBM: Why did you break things off with her many years ago?

Comey: I saw a message on her phone from a guy who was supposedly her friend, but was making a move on her. She did not tell him to stop and was rather enjoying the attention he was giving her.

DBM: Was she the only woman you were intimate with during that dating phase?

Comey: No. But she was the only girl I was in love with and wanted to marry. For the others, it was just sex.

DBM: What does ‘just sex’ mean?

Comey: It’s like candy, sweet. I share it happily with a selected few without expectation of catching any feelings in return. But when it comes to my woman, I give her a special piece of the candy because it makes me happy to see her excited about it.

DBM: Can you picture a future without her in it?

Comey: I cannot, Dave. I am interested in everything she cares about. Can’t say I’ve ever wanted to assist anyone in getting an abortion, but here we are. It’s easy for me to find a woman to fulfill my sexual needs and there’s rarely a connection beyond the moment. What I have built with my woman has always had the potential to develop into marriage. And I’m willing to marry her any day after her divorce.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

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