David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 111a: Judah
Participant 111b: Andrea please
DBM: Hi Andrea and Judah. How would you describe yourselves?
Andrea: I’m an open and honest person who doesn’t believe in misleading other people. I try to be fair in everything I do
Judah: Unhappy, suicidal but a clergy also
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Judah: 1
Andrea: 3
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Judah: Can I go first?
DBM: Please do
Judah: This is an issue of infidelity. I have been unfaithful, a cheat and dishonest in my dealings and marriage with my wife.
DBM: Does your wife know about this?
Judah: Yes, she found out about it few weeks ago
DBM: Mrs., how did you find him out?
Andrea: I asked, and he denied. And so, I told him to hand his phone to me and he denied. I decided to get rid of our car papers before he agreed and gave the phone to me.
DBM: What made you cheat on your wife?
Judah: There are a lot of factors that could lead to cheating. Physically and spiritually. Well, let me start with the physical aspect. It all started somewhere in November when we lost our first pregnancy. But before that, there were a few people who didn’t really care about whether I’m married or not. Being someone from a very strong Christian background and ethics, I was genuinely afraid of mingling with such people. So, because of who I am in society (a Man of God) I get a lot of people who reach out to me for various reasons. Some are genuine while others are not.
Some begun to flirt with me and I became comfortable with it. But as time went on, I became scared. Until the November, when we lost our pregnancy. I really became stressed out and I couldn’t share it with anyone. In fact, it’s all my fault because I allowed it to happen. It was relaxing because whenever I got home to see my wife crying and stressed about the loss of our baby, it stressed me out. Most of my messages were more of flirting than meet ups, because I didn’t really have time. Until I met a lady in my mum’s area whom I got involved. It broke the seal. Spiritually, I’ve been a man of God for a good number of years. I’m not blaming anyone but, in my position, there are many attempts and attacks that I face. If they can’t get you, they will get anyone you love. I’m not blaming anyone or anything but this is where I find myself. No matter how I explain, it won’t make sense to her because she’s extremely angry. I choose to cry within and be sorry for myself.
Andrea: I’m very sure you didn’t start cheating just when we got married, because I read your chat with the lady you said is at your mum’s area. You started way back in 2021, if I am right; so why would you use the first miscarriage as an excuse? Be honest and blunt with me here please!
DBM: It’s good you’ve taken responsibility of your actions
Andrea: He hasn’t taken responsibility because he’s still not transparent with me, even after finding out he’s cheating
Judah: What do you want to see before? Because you have access to my phone. Which is the root of all the problems
Andrea: I told you I don’t want to do that to myself because I’d be the one to die earlier, so I won’t check your phone ever again. Didn’t I say I regret going to your phone that night? I’m really keeping my cool because I didn’t want to let you know I read the chats you had with the lady. And the thing is that, you didn’t have an affair with just her; so, come clean here now.
Judah: Please don’t keep your cool at all. I want you to say it all
Andrea: Don’t worry, I will. I don’t want to be an anxious person. After all, if I do that what will be left of me?
Judah: I’m saying this here again. That most of my texts are explicitly flirty. To the extent that, when you read, you’ll feel we meet everyday
Andrea: I’ll show you evidence now because you’re still not coming clean. Most of the ladies you sent flirt texts, money, data bundle and calls to, you had sex with them.
Judah: Please go ahead and show. That’s why we are here
She attaches screenshots from his interactions with other women
DBM: As a man of GOD, based on what your wife has said, it seems like the trust she has in and for you has faded.
Judah: The position I’m in now, everything I say will be a lie. You’re not a thief until you’re caught. So, I accept every charge on me. Explaining over and over again won’t really change the fact that I’ve cheated on my wife
Andrea: Even with the lady who told you that she works as a prostitute, you went ahead to have sex with her. And were lying to her that you didn’t have a girlfriend, even though we had been in a relationship close to five years by then.
DBM: Pastor, what do you think you can do differently to change that?
Judah: I have deleted over 200 contacts, both male and female. She has access to my phone now. I pray with her before we leave the house (something I wasn’t doing before)
Andrea: This prostitute really wanted you to prove that you didn’t have a girlfriend, and you told huge lies that you get sex from your ex, who’s also in a relationship. Even with that information, she wanted to fuck you, and you also wanted to do it.
Judah: I know I’ve been dirty, and I accept every charge
Andrea: I don’t have access to your phone, because you even get angry and aggressive to the point that you hit me
Judah: When did I get aggressive? Have you asked and not gotten?
Andrea: Just this morning, you were aggressive with me.
Judah: You know how it feels when you’re accused of something you didn’t do? That was painful.
Andrea: You held me tight and wanted to hit me. But because I dared you to try and get arrested, you stopped! So, you better come clean. I want you to know that you’re a liar! You didn’t just have sex with only Carolina; that’s what I want to hear
Judah: I have begged you. My mother and brothers all cried and begged you not to leave me, yet you’re still harboring this. Well, like I said. I’m contemplating suicide and when it happens, all will be over. After all, I own nothing to my name.
Andrea: We are both in pain because you refuse to let us talk about the circumstances that led to that act, yet you get aggressive anytime. Claiming it’s a spiritual attack instead of accepting your actions.
Judah: Where did I say I haven’t accepted my charges?
DBM: May I know how long you both have been married?
Judah: One and a half years now
Andrea: Just a year.
Judah: In as much as I want this solved, I don’t want it to affect my ministry and what I’ve built for a decade
Andrea: The chats I’ve seen means that you didn’t start this cheating habit after we got married. I am actually mad that you didn’t think about your marriage, and just went ahead to do whatever
DBM: Were you really ready for marriage or you settled because that is what you were taught, considering you grew up in the church?
Judah: I was ready for it. I knew very well
Andrea: I’m not sure you were ready, because the fact that I get suspicious and ask you continuously that, ‘are you doing anything outside of our marriage’, and you rapidly get angry at me, and even hit me sometimes; that I should never think like that of you. Not knowing you’re not that of a saint. That is what really hurts me. It’s not like I didn’t get suspicious continually. But you decided to rather deny and get angry on top of it. I really kept believing you because I didn’t want doubt to set into our relationship and marriage. I tried not to ever go through your phone and you know very well that I don’t do that, unlike you. How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? Would you be ready for the trauma associated with this level of betrayal?
Judah: If that’s the only way you’ll forgive me, and keep me as your husband, then please go ahead. Because I love you and I want to save our marriage. Dave, I’m preparing for church now but I’ll be following please. Give me a few minutes
DBM: Mrs., what’s the first thing you noticed about your husband when you first met?
Andrea: His love towards the Ministry
DBM: And prior to his affairs, what was your favorite thing about your relationship with him?
Andrea: His honesty
DBM: Pastor, what’s the first thing you noticed about your wife when you first met?
Judah: Her sense of hard work and dedication
Andrea: I actually had a problem when we started our marriage counseling, and so I voiced it out to the counselors. They told my husband to not give in to that, but he never took their advice. He was always on his phone even after initiating that we go outdoors and spend some time. He will be on his phone until we leave the place, and he continues when he’s driving. I’ve been complaining but he doesn’t care. That’s why I told our marriage counselors.
DBM: Hmmm!
Andrea: He doesn’t want me to talk about the pain he caused me and this marriage. He prefers that we act like everything is okay, but I’m not really well with it. I even had to say out of anger that this infidelity could be the reason why I lost two pregnancies. Because I was really hurt. I didn’t want to tell his mother that this is what his son had done, and so I forced my husband that I’ll tell our counselors. He said they are not that confidential, so he’ll get a mutual person, and I just okayed.
He called his mum that midnight when I found out he was cheating, through the messages on his phone, that she should come to our place now because I’ve decided to leave my marriage. He told his mother parts of the story.
DBM: I see. Do you believe your husband loves you?
Andrea: No! After I found out what he did, it made me question myself severally, because I can boldly say there’s nothing tangible that he has provided since he met me till date. I do things like I’m the man of the house, without any complain; all because I loved what I was doing. Now, he’s made me realize I was a fool for a long period. He’d rather give money out to other ladies, but his own wife, even if I ask, he’ll tell me he doesn’t have enough money.
DBM: Have you gotten yourself tested for any STI’s after finding out about his affairs?
Andrea: I told him the first thing we should do was to get ourselves tested. I was also scared of the unknown. He agreed to getting tested but hasn’t even mentioned or said that we should go and do it. He actually had an itching in his manhood and I was also infected; that’s how come I wanted to go through his phone and get answers, since he wasn’t willing to do so.
DBM: I would suggest you get yourself tested, just to be on the safe side
Andrea: It involves money and at the moment, I’m not working due to how I lost both pregnancies. I just started a business this week. We will get tested on Monday. The truth is, my husband doesn’t have any money.
DBM: I see
Andrea: I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind, that it could be probable that he didn’t love me from the beginning. Maybe, it was just for the benefits he was getting from me. But I rethink again and I remember, while we were dating, he didn’t want me to talk to any other guy, so he always went through my phone and even blocked some of my male contacts. At a point, I got angry because my elder sister told him not to be doing that. I had to stop him because I wasn’t doing that to him.
DBM: I have a lot of questions to ask him when he comes back online
Andrea: Okay, but he will be back after church around 12am or so I think
DBM: We can use as many days to chat. Most of the conversations I publish on my website takes from two to five days. We can continue whenever
Judah: I’m here David. Let’s continue if you have the time
DBM: Since you’re a pastor, I’d want to understand your moral compass. How did you feel after the affairs? Was there any guilt at all?
Judah: I was guilty anytime I saw her, and felt like opening up. But I believe everything that has a beginning, has an end. If I had opened up, it wouldn’t have gotten to this level.
DBM: Are you on the same wavelength as your wife about monogamy in your relationship/marriage?
Judah: Yes, I am
DBM: From all that your wife said about you yesterday, I could deduce there is a high probability that the information she managed to gather about you cheating isn’t the first time you have done this. Do you consider yourself a serial cheater?
Judah: David, I am guilty of cheating. I say this and I’ll say it again, most of them were mere flirty messages
DBM: Do you think you have the ability to change from this behavior?
Judah: It’s been two weeks after being caught, and I tell you the truth, my conscience is so clear. I’ve never been free like this before. No level of guilt
DBM: At the moment, your wife doesn’t seem to trust you. What are you going to do about that?
Judah: I’m in for anything she wants to do. Because the level of disrespect is too much. I wouldn’t want to stress over this one again.
DBM: Do you understand what could be going through your wife’s mind after finding you out?
Judah: I totally understand sir. I know because I’ve been in that state before
DBM: Explain
Judah: I mean in my lifetime, I’ve been hurt many times, looking at where my life comes from as a man of God
DBM: Is saving your marriage a priority to, or for you?
Judah: There’s nothing as important as saving my marriage. I’ve told her many times, that we should get it over and done with and move on. I have
DBM: Teach me how you expect your wife to quickly move on from this, as you seem to have easily done?
Judah: I have developed a very thick skin over the years. My family background speaks a lot of volumes. I’ve seen my mum becoming a single parent when my dad left her. So, I’ve learnt to quickly let things go and never mention it to anyone. I will definitely remember, but I ask myself if it’s worth it. No matter how deeply I hurt, by the next day I’m over it. It’s not that I don’t remember; I just don’t dwell on the past
DBM: I’m glad your approach works for you. But do you think you wife equally deserves her own way of figuring all this mess out?
Judah: Yes, David
DBM: Do you respect your wife?
Judah: Most definitely
DBM: Do you love her?
Judah: Yes
DBM: Are you in love with your wife?
Judah: I really am
DBM: Was she a means to an end? As in, whatever it was about her that influenced your decision to date and marry her?
Judah: I literally built my world around her. I couldn’t do anything without her. I literally gave up on a lot of things because of her. We dated for four years and married on the 5th, because I said to myself, I can’t keep someone’s daughter like that. I know her and there’s nothing else to know anymore. So, I woke up one morning and made a call to my parents that I want to marry her.
DBM: This would be my last question: you have the word to say anything on your mind or heart to your wife’s hearing.
Judah: I’ve said everything I need to say. I totally regret my actions. But I give her all the right to do whatever she wants to do to me. She says she wants to do what I did to her, so that she’ll feel equal. If it will make her happy, then she should do it. If that’s what I’ll get, then no problem. But for me, whatever I did, I’ve gotten over it and I’m not willing to ever mention it again because it’s not something I want to revisit.
Image Credit: Keira Burton
