Tag: Betrayal

Let’s Talk To Freja

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 87: Freja

DBM: Hi Freja. How would you describe yourself?

Freja: I will describe myself as… a lover of long baths and showers. And if the water is slightly hot, I wouldn’t mind staying under it for as long as possible.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Freja: I could be 5 or 6 today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Freja: I feel like I am grief-stricken because the man I want to be with has been imprisoned, and the pain of loneliness is killing me every day. It doesn’t seem to go away. I can’t stop myself from counting the days until his release.

DBM: How many days to his release?

Freja: 1461

DBM: That’s like what, four years?

Freja: Yeah!

DBM: What is he in for?

Freja: Misappropriating company funds. But he is innocent.

DBM: How much money did he embezzle?

Freja: He was falsely accused by his employer

DBM: How long has he served thus far in incarceration?

Freja: A year

DBM: How old is he?

Freja: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Freja: 34

DBM: And, how long have you two been together?

Freja: We had done three years before prison. I am constantly being reminded of his absence in my life and it’s so difficult for me.

DBM: What do you miss about him?

Freja: I miss how he is always himself and comfortable being a man around me. I miss his wisdom, kindness, his confidence and haughtiness. He hardly would blame situations and circumstances. I miss his sense of humor, I miss how he can quench my thirst in bed, with all the passion and warmth. I miss his love for me in action.

DBM: He sounds like a good heart

Freja: He is a good man

DBM: How often do you get to see/visit him in prison?

Freja: Once or twice a month

DBM: And, how is he doing?

Freja: He’s fine but it’s not the same. He is so far away from me that, everything we used to do together and loved, is now on hold. Each day that passes gets harder.

DBM: Does he feel the same when you visit him?

Freja: I should think so. He doesn’t talk about it. The energy I expect to receive from him is not what is shared. I’ve been very depressed, to be honest.

DBM: He’s also dealing with a lot. Prison is an uncomfortable environment he’s found himself in.

Freja: The other disturbing issue is that, one of the prison officers whom I have befriended, and have been persuading with money to take good care of my boyfriend told me on my last visit, my boyfriend’s other girlfriend has been bringing him food and other stuff. Initially, I thought she was one of his sisters but the name he showed me wasn’t his family. And the capacity in which she visits is his girlfriend.

DBM: Does this surprise you?

Freja: Very much. I thought I was his only girl.

DBM: Did you confront your man?

Freja: I did. He denied

DBM: So, you let it go?

Freja: No! I told him the source of the information, and also, mentioned the name of the woman

DBM: Why do you think he felt the need to lie to you instead of telling the truth?

Freja: I don’t know

DBM: If a man lies about a small thing, he will also lie about something way bigger

Freja: I have decided not to visit him again

DBM: You told him that?

Freja: No! But I made the decision when I got home

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Freja: I am very angry, and I feel betrayed. I am completely heartbroken, and doubt if I can ever trust him again.

DBM: It is rather unfortunate but the truth is, a lot of the time, men cheat and try to hide it for as long as possible to prevent you from feeling this way about them

Freja: It’s not fair

DBM: I know. Everything happens for a reason. If he hadn’t been locked up, you probably would never have found out.

Freja: I still love him

DBM: I can imagine

Freja: I am not sure about the next step to take from here

DBM: You will discover more about the woman that you are with time, and come into the understanding of what you want for you. If there are any changes worth making to enable you keep up with all that is happening around and within you, you would.

Freja: Do you think he’s going to choose me after he is released?

DBM: I think women ought to find their own strengths to decide on when to let go, and then, do it.

Freja: But I can’t get him out of my mind like that. We have a history

DBM: What really is your fear?

Freja: All the men I dated and loved in the past left me for other girls, even when my feelings for them hadn’t changed. What if I don’t find a man who will love me?

DBM: Do you reside in your past?

Freja: My past is part of my life’s story

DBM: But, do you live there?

Freja: No!

DBM: Exactly! What others did to you then isn’t what every man would do to you in the future.

Freja: I thought my current guy was my future. Look at what’s happening

DBM: What he did does not explain the actions of all men. Holding on to these memories that clearly hurt your feelings means allowing them, consciously or unconsciously to become a part of what you believe about yourself. Do you really think you are not good enough for someone who is good enough for you?

Freja: I am good enough

DBM: There was a time it was raining heavily at Spintex, while on the phone with a friend who lives in Tema. He asked if it was raining where I was because he could hear downpour, and I said, ‘yes. Why, it’s not raining at your end?’ His response was, ‘no! the sun is still shining’. It does not rain everywhere. Do not let that foolish narrative work against you.

Freja: I feel trapped by my emotions. It’s all over the place

DBM: A man’s behavior and character is something you cannot control. Holding on to things you hate about him only causes you a great deal of suffering and unhappiness. It can stress you to the extent of keeping you from living and growing into your very best self and light. Do not be attached to what you do not like. Your happiness in life does not come from love and sex and men. True happiness comes from the knowledge of not suffering anymore.

Freja: Freedom

DBM: Freedom!

Image Credit: Yaroslav Shuraev

Let’s Talk To Phyllis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 57: I am Phyllis

DBM: Hello Phyllis. How would you describe yourself?

Phyllis: I am real, I am not fake; I am strong in my faith and firm in my beliefs.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Phyllis: I’ve dated my fiancé for five years and we were already talking marriage this year. I would admittedly have been the luckiest lady to have him as my man three weeks ago, if I hadn’t found out about what he had been up to.

DBM: What has he been up to?

Phyllis: Let me start from the beginning. When we met, he was struggling to find his feet. I had no problem with that because he is smart and a goal chaser. He’s the guy who would work hard when the crunch is on, and still get the result. He’s not been the type that needs someone to motivate him; he’s always encouraging himself. He is strong and resilient, except when he’s being a softie. We’re both trained in the same field and in many ways, I could see the buoyancy that allows me to rise above problems and adversity in him. That was the first connection I felt between us when he approached me at the filling station with his résumé.

DBM: How old is he?

Phyllis: 39

DBM: How old are you?

Phyllis: 36

DBM: Okay

Phyllis: I helped him to find his current job and he’s been doing exceptionally well. He is respected by his peers. He fell sick two years ago and had to undergo three different surgeries. I used part of my savings to help clear his bills. There was this big contract his firm needed to secure, and him being the team lead for that particular assignment didn’t know how to put a convincing presentation together. He knew this was my field, and so he asked for my help. It took me two weeks to put everything in the bid together. I coached him and his team during weekends at home to get them to familiarize themselves with my work. They won the contract for their firm and he got a deserving commission. I was expecting to get my cut from his over 32,000 United States Dollar commission but he did not bring me in on it. His four other teammates made 15,000 USD each, and they all gave me 5000 USD off their cut.

DBM: What was the agreement between you two?

Phyllis: There was no agreement or payment terms discussed. I was just helping a boyfriend to secure a job contract, which eventually, got him a promotion.

DBM: Okay! But has he paid the money you used in clearing his hospital bills?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: Is he expected to pay back?

Phyllis: As a rational human being, I would have made attempts to pay back if I were him. I think because I haven’t specifically asked for the money, he is thinking it’s a gift.

DBM: Is it a gift?

Phyllis: No!

DBM: I see

Phyllis: I needed to use his phone to make a quick phone call because mine was on low battery. He was asleep when I picked the phone. An unread message was on the screen, and it was coming from another woman, telling him she loves him too.

DBM: Meaning, he told her he loves her?

Phyllis: He did! A lot of their chats had been deleted, and so there was nothing to see. I saved her number on my phone and tried to send her MoMo to see the name registered to it. I knew her; my company had worked for her father’s company before. It was their company that awarded my boyfriend’s firm the huge contract.

DBM: The proposal you worked on?

Phyllis: Same one.

DBM: Are you friends with this other lady?

Phyllis: I am not, but I know her

DBM: Why do you think he is dating her?

Phyllis: I confronted him and he told me he is in love with the both of us, and that, I shouldn’t force him to choose.

DBM: What does he mean by ‘don’t force him to choose’?

Phyllis: Dave, I am trying not to involve too many emotions into evaluating his actions, but I realized somewhere along the line, after winning that contract, that he wasn’t putting enough effort to be there for me when I needed him. I was basically the only one going out of my way to make things work in the relationship.

DBM: Was he present to you?

Phyllis: I wouldn’t know, because it seemed like all the little and big things I was doing for him often went unseen and I felt like my presence was actually in the shadow of his selfishness.

DBM: When did he propose marriage to you?

Phyllis: After he recovered from his third surgery.

DBM: Are you satisfied with the type of man he is?

Phyllis: He is a good guy

DBM: Is this ‘good guy’ the right man for you to marry?

Phyllis: Dave, being single can be unbearable, and I don’t know if I am in the right frame of mind right now, but he feels wrong to marry though he is the right man for me.

DBM: Why does he ‘feel wrong’?

Phyllis: I thought we had a strong partnership built on trust. With the introduction of this other woman in his life, I feel like there is this crack in the foundation of what we share.

DBM: Getting married to an unfaithful man has no power to keep the relationship, or even you from experiencing feelings you’d likely rather not have to go through.

Phyllis: What do I do now?

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I would make time for me, so I could find ways to regain my sense of self.

Phyllis: What do I do with him at the meantime?

DBM: Avoid him as much as physically and electronically

Phyllis: But we live together

DBM: Whose house, is it?

Phyllis: Mine

DBM: You have your answer.

Phyllis: He’s the only man I’ve really loved

DBM: I can imagine but being in love is not enough to make a relationship a healthy one. Is what he is doing to you going to make you happy down the line – if he’s unable to stick to only you? You need time to process everything that has happened if you’re uncertain of being able to compromise rather too much.

Image Credit: Muhammadtaha Ibrahim

Let’s Talk To Esme

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 56: Esmeralda

DBM: Hi Esme. How would you describe yourself?

Esme: I am 25 years old, and pursuing an EMBA Project Management at the University of Ghana.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Esme: My boyfriend lives and works in Kumasi. He is also pursuing an MPhil in Computer Engineering at KNUST. Months ago, he told me my dad had been visiting one of the students on campus. He had seen him two times with the same lady prior to telling me. I did not believe him, and so he took a picture of them from a distance – standing by my father’s car on a Friday.

DBM: Was it your father in the picture?

Esme: It was my dad. I wanted more proof. I suggested to my boyfriend to befriend the lady, so I can gather enough information on her. He became friends with her, and to my surprise, we both had the same surname. I tracked her on Facebook and Instagram, and Dave, there is a lot of resemblance between us. In fact, my boyfriend once said she looks and smiles like me. We have the same eyes and forehead.

DBM: Is it what I am thinking you’re about to say?

Esme: She’s my father’s daughter.

DBM: How do you know?

Esme: Because she introduced my boyfriend to her father

DBM: Your father?

Esme: Yes

DBM: Why did she introduce him?

Esme: It was actually a coincidence. He was heading to a lecture and he saw them on campus.

DBM: Does your father know about your guy?

Esme: He doesn’t.

DBM: How long have you been dating him?

Esme: Two and a half years.

DBM: I see

Esme: Dave, my mother will chew my father alive if she finds out. She’s a lawyer and has been representing many clients with their divorce cases. She’s always told me that in all of her divorce cases, it’s the men who cheated, and that, I should not ignore a cheating boyfriend or husband, or ever choose to live my life without expectations of faithfulness in it. She strongly believes that a cheat will always cheat again, and again … and again.

DBM: How close are you to your father?

Esme: Very close, Dave. I’m a daddy’s girl.

DBM: How close is your relationship with your mother?

Esme: Very close.

DBM: Do you know the age of your sister in KNUST?

Esme: She’s 22

DBM: Are you in contact with her?

Esme: No!

DBM: Why not?

Esme: I am getting to know her through my boyfriend.

DBM: Do you like the person your boyfriend describes her to be?

Esme: Very much!

DBM: Do you wish to know her?

Esme: Yes, but I concerned about my mother.

DBM: Have you confronted your father?

Esme: Not yet. I am very confused because I used to assume that my father would never cheat on my mother. I have commented under several of your posts on Facebook, praising my father for being a one-of-a-kind with your gender.

DBM: He is still the same man you have always loved

Esme: Yes, but not the same idea of him in my head. I have a lot of complicated feelings within to sort through

DBM: Are you the only child of your parents?

Esme: I am the third out of four

DBM: Have you told the others?

Esme: Not yet. My mother is going to be mentally injured. I don’t know how my siblings are going to take this news. And I know for sure my mother will leave my dad.

DBM: You need to decide whether or not to bring it up with your father

Esme: And, why not with my mother first?

DBM: There is no right and wrong approach to handling this issue. Listen to your gut and what it tells you, and trust in your decision

Esme: I have a feeling my dad is still in a relationship with the girl’s mother or other women.

DBM: Why do you say that?

Esme: It’s just a feeling.

DBM: What does your boyfriend say about all this?

Esme: He thinks I should shift my focus from my parents’ personal matters to something else and just leave it to my dad and mum and fate.

DBM: What’s your take on that?

Esme: I think my father has indirectly given my boyfriend the license to be dishonest with me and get away with it.

DBM: Does your father ignore your mother?

Esme: No!

DBM: Has your mother spoken about anything your father has done, or is doing to distress her?

Esme: Not that I know of.

DBM: Do your parents fight a lot?

Esme: Not really.

DBM: Does your father spend time with your mother?

Esme: He does, and makes time for all of us. That’s why I am still in shock as to how this could even be true.

DBM: Our parents are not, and cannot be perfect people.

Esme: I really looked up to my dad, Dave. I feel like he has disappointed me big time.

DBM: Present a scenario without any names mentioned to your father. Tell him you read about a case on my timeline about a friend of yours, whose dad is cheating on his mother. Explain how hurt and upset your friend is at the moment. Ask your dad how you can approach this topic with your friend.

Esme: He will know I know

DBM: Is that not the end game?

Esme: I don’t want him to feel like I am indirectly, accusing him.

DBM: You do love your father

Esme: That’s why I feel so conflicted. Now, I need to keep this secret also from my mom.

DBM: Again, you do not know the full details until you confront him

Esme: I cannot concentrate on my work and studies.

Image Credit: Charlotte May

 

Let’s Talk To Awo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 55: I choose Awo

DBM: Hello Awo. How would you describe yourself?

Awo: I’ve been through a lot, but I think I am strong – stronger than I know

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Awo: My husband used to grow his left-little finger. He kept it rounded, polished and clean. It used to be really cute, till he accidentally poked my right eye during sex. My retina tore and fluid came out of my eye. My right eye practically opened, and the rest is history. I lost my vision for the right eye, even after undergoing surgery.

DBM: Oh, my goodness!

Awo: The pain I had to endure for months… Hmmm!

DBM: I can only imagine.

Awo: The incident made me hate my husband for all the wrong reasons. I developed a lot of negative feelings towards him, I was not exactly sure why. I wouldn’t let him touch or even get close to me for almost a year.

DBM: I can understand

Awo: Here is the other thing, I’ve had a fallout with my mother-in-law.

DBM: Why?

Awo: She doesn’t like me

DBM: Why?

Awo: Because her son married me. She’s been against our relationship for the longest time. She had the ‘perfect’ lady-in-waiting to date her son, but he wasn’t interested in her. My mother-in-law thinks I ‘stole’ her son from the woman she approved of.

DBM: Did you come between them?

Awo: I did not

DBM: Okay! How long have you been married?

Awo: Nine years. We’ve been blessed with a boy and a girl

DBM: That’s great!

Awo: You realize I’ve still not told you why I am in your inbox?

DBM: Why are you in my inbox?

Awo: Dave, I try to avoid any form of conflict as possible. I abhor fights, and I am always careful not to get into arguments with people. But my mother-in-law wouldn’t hear it. She’s had a problem with me since the beginning of time. The annoying part is, anytime she feels like visiting my husband at home, she comes unannounced and uninvited. Actually, I don’t even have a problem with her being here. The children love to have their grandma around. My husband, however, finds an excuse every time his mother arrives – to be less available to her at home. He expects me to bond with a woman he knows doesn’t like me.

DBM: How do you relate with her when she’s around?

Awo: We don’t really talk

DBM: You at least, greet her, no?

Awo: I used to, but she wouldn’t respond and so I stopped.

DBM: And, your children are a witness to this?

Awo: She tells them that I don’t respect her. Dave, it’s a long story.

DBM: I see

Awo: So, in one of our arguments two weeks ago, she made fun of my right eye. She did not know it was her son who caused it, and so I angrily rubbed it in her face, and I think I went overboard to insult her. I threw her things out and sacked her from my house. She stood outside the gate till my husband got home. He wanted to bring her in but she insisted on leaving. And mind you, it was late. Dave, I cannot forget the look of sadness that crossed my husband’s face when his mother started to cry.

DBM: You felt bad about it?

Awo: Yeah, but it wasn’t because his mother was crying.

DBM: What was it then?

Awo: Because I told her he poked my eye. We had agreed not to inform her, due to the toxic relationship between us.

DBM: Why was his mother crying?

Awo: I don’t know

DBM: I see

Awo: I heard my husband talking to a woman on phone, asking if he could bring his mother over for the night. He drove his mother to wherever, and returned home after 12 am. I pretended to be asleep till he started snoring. I checked the call history on his phone, and checked his conversations with the lady he had sent his mum to on WhatsApp.

DBM: What prompted you to do this?

Awo: It was a raw, gut feeling I had, suggesting to me to check his phone. You men may never understand. My internal feeling was telling me something wasn’t right the moment I heard him talking on phone with the other woman outside. Even before I found out that they had been having an affair. There wasn’t much conversation between them as at two weeks ago, because he had been deleting all of their chats. He probably forgot to clear their chats that day because of the altercation between his mother and I.

DBM: How did you feel after what you discovered on his phone?

Awo: Dave, it ruins everything between us.

DBM: Hmmm!

Awo: I am still considering what to do

DBM: It’s always better to make a considered decision, rather than an impulsive one

Awo: If only you knew what is going through my mind right now

DBM: Did you confront him?

Awo: I did, and he is using my issue with his mother to score a stupid point.

DBM: What is going through your mind?

Awo: I want to do something to hit him where it hurts.

DBM: Something like what?

Awo: He breaks my eye and still thinks he has the license to cheat on me?

DBM: Awo

Awo: What?

DBM: This is your anger speaking

Awo: He has hurt me. I will hurt him back

DBM: Treat yourself kindly and consider walking away from what you know isn’t the right thing to do

Awo: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I don’t know what I would have done

Awo: He has a beautiful family with me, and he tells his mother all the time. Why would he risk so much by cheating on me?

DBM: Do you know his motivation for going outside the marriage?

Awo: He says it started when I distanced myself from him for a year after poking my eye.

DBM: He could have found a better way to deal with your silent treatment. I know a lot of guys who have told me that, they can still love their wives and want to have sex with other women.

Awo: And they feel they can get away with it? How inconsiderate can a man be, huh? Don’t you people feel guilty?

DBM: Even if there is a feeling of guilt, it wouldn’t be because of the stray sex. Your husband probably has been contemplating on the consequences, like you finding out about it someday.

Image Credit: Diva Plavalaguna

Let’s Talk To Ian

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 54: Ian

DBM: Hi Ian. How would you describe yourself?

Ian: I am positive-minded, very open and I make the effort to live my life as best as I can. I am a sweet guy, fit, free-spirited and very adventurous. I am a father of three, a husband, and funny. I make my friends laugh a lot.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ian: I had an affair and confessed to my wife. She didn’t get angry after hearing me out. The dawn of the day I confessed, she woke me up to confess to her own affair. Mine had gone on for eight months and I have ended things between me and the other woman. My wife has been seeing her guy for two years, and it’s still ongoing. I don’t understand why she could do this to me.

DBM: How long have been married?

Ian: We are 12 years, Dave.

DBM: And, throughout the 12 years, was the eight months encounter your first affair?

Ian: No!

DBM: When did you start being with other women since you met your wife?

Ian: I have been with a few

DBM: How many is a few?

Ian: Maybe, five or six women.

DBM: Did your wife know about these other ladies?

Ian: No!

DBM: That is, to the best of your knowledge, no?

Ian: Yes! But I don’t think she knew; she would have confronted me.

DBM: Okay! Why were you cheating on your wife?

Ian: The other women provided a part of my needs that weren’t being met in my marriage.

DBM: What kinds of needs?

Ian: Dave, I was simply doing what felt good at that moment.

DBM: What felt good?

Ian: I know my week is perfect if I have had sex a few times in a row. Also, monogamy doesn’t make sense to me; it’s making my marriage a bit stale and routine. Being with other women provided me with something new to explore every day. It kept my thinking fresh, and it was exciting… And, challenging too.

DBM: Why didn’t you tell your wife right from the onset that – the marriage was becoming boring?

Ian: I did, and we tried doing things differently to spice it up.

DBM: What changed?

Ian: Not much. That’s why I started looking for connections outside of my marriage, rather than trying again to fix what could be missing or broken. It got to a point where, we sometimes didn’t have anything exciting to talk about at home.

DBM: Why did you confess to the affair?

Ian: The relationship with the other woman wasn’t working anymore, and I was feeling guilty.

DBM: Why were you feeling guilty?

Ian: I don’t know. Maybe because she threatened to tell my wife about us, when she couldn’t have her way with me.

DBM: Relieving your guilt just by telling your wife makes you selfish, you know?

Ian: Yeah, but I had no choice.

DBM: How do you feel about your wife’s affair?

Ian: I completely lost it. I am still hurt and angry, and I feel betrayed. It’s pretty hypocritical, but she has shattered my ability to trust her.

DBM: Do you know how she also feels about you?

Ian: I don’t really care.

DBM: Why don’t you care?

Ian: She’s destroyed our marriage.

DBM: How so?

Ian: Because she’s still in a relationship with the guy. She says she’s in love with him

DBM: What else did she say?

Ian: She wants to keep both the marriage and the affair

DBM: Do you know anything about the other guy?

Ian: He is married. That’s all I know

DBM: I see. What are you going to do now?

Ian: I have this friend that I enjoy being around. There is a strong sexual tension between us and I want to consider exploring it. I’ve been hesitant about her because she’s married.

DBM: Have you been honest with your wife about how her other relationship makes you feel?

Ian: It doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, we are all doing what we like

DBM: Is this what you want for your marriage?

Ian: No

DBM: Being married doesn’t mean you’d be immune to falling in love with other people. Your wife wants to keep both worlds. Question is, are you staying or are you going?

Ian: I don’t know what I want right now

DBM: What do you think you want?

Ian: I know it’s time to pay more attention to myself

DBM: Or your wife?

Ian: She doesn’t need me.

DBM: Do you need her?

Ian: I don’t!

DBM: Is this the ego and anger in you responding, because you feel your wife is checking out on your marriage?

Ian: Again, I don’t care

DBM: You don’t think the decisions you both have been making is wrong, and it’s what is destroying you and the marriage?

Ian: It is what it is! I don’t care about the consequences anymore. I will do me; she will do her.

DBM: What is your love language?

Ian: I express my love in a more physical way, because I most often do not have the perfect feeling words for a woman.

DBM: By ‘woman’, you mean your wife?

Ian: Whatever! So, sex is my best route to connection and intimacy.

DBM: Are you emotionally available to your wife?

Ian: Why that question?

DBM: Because all the married women I know who cheated, or are cheating on their husbands, are/were trying to fill an emotional void. They are/were with those other men because they made them feel desired and valued.

Ian: It is what it is! I am counting down to 3 o’clock to meet up with the lady I was talking about.

DBM: I can understand what you’re suffering, but you need to know that you have caused suffering too.

Ian: You think I don’t know that?

DBM: Why are you not avoiding the temptation to cheat again?

Ian: Is she doing that?

DBM: If only you could stop second-guessing her actions, and rather examine your own

Ian: She’s the one breaking our family. I made a mistake. I ended things. She’s making a mistake and holding on to it.

DBM: We are not talking about your wife. I am chatting with you. Why is it that most of us men, instead of creating space to process exactly what has happened to us, and why it happened in the first place, we rather would move to the next available trick?

Ian: What do you want me to do?

DBM: What do you need from your marriage, and from yourself?

Ian: I don’t want my wife to let me down. I don’t want to let her down either.

DBM: What do you think is currently lacking in your marriage?

Ian: At the moment, my wife is not giving me the chance to share my heart with her, and win her over. She’s decided for me by hanging on to the married man.

DBM: You’re married to a human being. She will let you down, just as you have. Don’t tell me you’re waiting on her to change first?

Ian: I am changing my ways. She has to change hers

DBM: Stop blaming your wife for your own part of the bad decisions and behavior.

Ian: It takes two to break a marriage

DBM: So, own your role in your infidelity, and stick to that.

Ian: Smh!

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Ian: I love my wife

DBM: Tell her how you feel about everything happening and make time for trust to be rebuilt. That could be the fresh start you need.

Ian: What if it doesn’t get back to how it used to be?

DBM: You will take a step back and come to the conclusion that, after genuinely trying for so long, maybe this one thing you so much wanted to work out, isn’t meant to be.

Image Credit: Oladimeji Ajegbile

Let’s Talk To Mawuena

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 11 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 32: Mawuena is my name

DBM: Oh, nice. I like Ewe names. What does it mean?

Mawuena: A gift from God or God’s gift

DBM: How is it pronounced?

Mawuena: Ma-wu-ena or MAH-WUH-EH-NAH

DBM: Hi Mawuena. Please tell me a little about yourself

Mawuena: I am married with children. I like it whenever the sunshine falls on my face. I have a good job, I am financially independent, and I have a mind of my own. I love to keep my home clean and my family well fed. I love being involved in my children’s lives, and I have always been there to support my husband and keep him amused.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mawuena: My priority has been to make my husband a happy man by all means, and he’s told me many times that I satisfy him.

DBM: Good, but what does that mean?

Mawuena: Whatever that means, David, because I don’t believe him anymore.

DBM: Hmmmm!

Mawuena: He’s been partially blind for the past few months.

DBM: What happened?

Mawuena: He supposedly returned home from work in August, 2022, feeling sick. He complained about his skin becoming painfully itchy, but would refuse to go and see a physician. A week later, I realized the cornea area of his eyes had started to scar. I called a doctor friend to come and check on him at home. In the middle of October, he went blind.

DBM: Oh, wow! I’m terribly sorry

Mawuena: Don’t be

DBM: Why not?

Mawuena: I think it was the Universe’s way of letting me catch up with him.

DBM: How so?

Mawuena: All that while, I had not heard my husband’s phone ring or vibrate, not even once. He has been given a sick leave to recover, and so he’s been home from Wednesday, 19th of October till date.

DBM: Okay! How is he doing now?

Mawuena: His vision is still blurry but he feels the impact of light rays entering his eyes lately.

DBM: So, that’s an improvement?

Mawuena: Yes, hopefully.

DBM: You were talking about his phone

Mawuena: I don’t know where our five-year old son found his mobile phone but it was switched off and hidden somewhere in the house. He wanted me to download games on it for him to play. I switched it on, and gave it to him to go ask his father for his password. That was in the morning of Tuesday, 25th of October. I was getting late for work so I left them. I came home in the evening, and my son was standing at our carpark, waiting for me. Dave, anytime this child has told me to shishhh, he’s had something to report about. He told me his daddy made him promise not to tell me.

DBM: What?

Mawuena: He was holding his father’s phone. He unlocked the passcode and asked me to check his WhatsApp. My baby says his father instructed him to delete messages that had come in from a particular contact. He did not delete them but had lied to his father he had. He wanted me to see it first.

DBM: What did you see?

Mawuena: Everything a child shouldn’t be seeing. Obscene images and videos from my husband’s girlfriend.

DBM: Why would your son show you this?

Mawuena: Joshua is so beloved. He is the cutest kid in the world and a total badass. He understands my ultimate rule at home: Do not keep anything from mummy.

DBM: I see

Mawuena: From his conversations with the lady on August 24th, whatever bit him to make him feel sick had bitten him while he was at her house. Mind you, it was this same day that he came home complaining about body ache. I did not know he had called in sick at work that Wednesday morning, because he left home, claiming he was going to work. He went to spend an entire day with his side piece of shit.

DBM: Marriage is challenging

Mawuena: Dave, stop with the inspirational talk

DBM: Oh!

Mawuena: I am going through the gruesome pain of his cheating ass and I don’t need any motivational messages at this moment.

DBM: Noted! Have you ever had doubts about his loyalty to you?

Mawuena: I had no clue about infidelity. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything because it’s difficult to catch my husband in a wrongdoing. He is smart and gives you no reason to doubt him. My husband is also very careful about leaving any clues on his phone. He would have probably become more careful and subtle if he realized that I was onto him.

DBM: Have you confronted him?

Mawuena: I have.

DBM: You’ve known since October. Are you still angry at him?

Mawuena: Yes, and I’ve tried my best not to hurt him where it hurts, but I am at a complete loss as to what to do. How do I get attracted to a man when he has taken a wrecking ball to my trust in him?

DBM: You love him?

Mawuena: I’ve never loved any man as much as I love my husband. That’s what pains me. Before finding out about his cheating, we used to have sex multiple times in a week. Dave, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. There was so much hunger like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t understand why he would do this to me.

DBM: Unfortunately, the urges of a cheating man lack reason.

Mawuena: And the fact that he told our son to lie, and gave him money for his silence

DBM: How much?

Mawuena: 50 Cedis

DBM: How is a blind man able to see a GHs 50 note?

Mawuena: Josh says he asked him to go and take it from his wallet. But he gave the money to me after handing over his father’s phone.

DBM: Are you still intimate with him?

Mawuena: No! I’ve lost that passion. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything sexual with him again.

DBM: Has he owned up to his mistake?

Mawuena: He’s been asking for forgiveness. He’s also been begging for sex.

DBM: Lol!

Mawuena: Smfh!

DBM: Is your relationship worth rescuing?

Mawuena: I no longer have interest in making my marriage a priority.

DBM: Can you let go of the resentment towards him and try to move forward?

Mawuena: Maybe, but I am not sure I would want to have sex with my husband ever again.

DBM: Is there a possibility of you being happy with him, despite what he has done?

Mawuena: No! I have mixed feelings about everything that has happened. I don’t think I can easily forgive and forget. I don’t trust him.

Image Credit: Yan Krukau

Let’s Talk To Mercy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 21: Call me Mercy

DBM: Hey, Mercy! Please tell me a little about yourself.

Mercy: I’m married, and a mother.

DBM: Okay! Any other thing about you?

Mercy: I am a career woman, and not afraid to push boundaries set before me. Dave, I have a question.

DBM: Please ask

Mercy: I am not good at writing and expressing myself with words. Will you be correcting my grammatical errors before publishing it on your website?

DBM: Yes please. I proofread and edit all the conversations, and would even rephrase sentences that aren’t clear to suit my house-style. You are in good hands.

Mercy: Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome! What do you want to talk about?

Mercy: I’m just curious Dave, but what do men want?

DBM: I may never know myself

Mercy: The BS my husband is putting me through emotionally eh

DBM: Mercy, the art of bullshit is how most men get through with their day.

Mercy: I almost poisoned my husband’s food for the second time this year.

DBM: That is to the extreme.

Mercy: His actions are forcing me to hurt him.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Mercy: I don’t want to say

DBM: Why not?

Mercy: It might give me away, assuming he gets to see this online.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Mercy: Yes, I love him.

DBM: Getting hurt by the people we love is inevitable.

Mercy: This is something I can’t forgive

DBM: Why would you want to hurt someone you love?

Mercy: Because he is hurting me too.

DBM: Marriage takes a lot of work. It’s hard; it’s a job and you’ve got to work at it every day.

Mercy: I do my part

DBM: What is he doing to hurt you?

Mercy: He is having an affair. Infidelity is the nail in the coffin for me.

DBM: You have proof of this?

Mercy: I wasn’t immediately suspicious. We were having dinner at home, and I realized he had become so alert as to which WhatsApp message to respond to. It was written all over his face though he was trying to play cool. But something kept nagging at the back of my brain to not let my suspicion go. I paid one driver I am cool with for a week to trail my husband. He had gone to meet the same lady three times that week.

DBM: I am sorry.

Mercy: I feel so angry and hurt.

DBM: Do you know how long the affair has lasted?

Mercy: It is still ongoing. I don’t know when it started.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Mercy: He’s going to lie anyways, so what’s the point?

DBM: You mentioned ‘almost’ poisoning him. What made you stop?

Mercy: My kids always came to the kitchen to ask when their father would be home from work. That is what usually gets me emotional and stops me. Because they need their father. So, I would throw away the contaminated meal, and dish a new one.

DBM: Children need their father.

Mercy: I know! It’s like, he has pushed the responsibly of raising our children solely to me. He just pays fees and bills, and provides money. He gets mad very quickly when the children are trying to play around him. He screams at them, ignores them, but has time to be chatting with the other woman. He has time to make plans with another woman.

DBM: People can make poor choices at times, you know?

Mercy: That is no excuse, Dave. At his age, does he need a reminder to prioritize his family?

DBM: It’s your husband’s duty towards you and the family, to share all the responsibilities.

Mercy: He leaves me to deal with issues at home all by myself, while he keeps himself occupied with another woman’s touch. He is spending more time taking the other lady out, talking to her and sharing his goals and dreams. I am burdened at home, all because I am his wife and mother to the children.

DBM: Do you think he is happy being married to you?

Mercy: I do everything to meet his sexual needs. I don’t stress this man at home. Secondly, he chose me. He asked me to marry him. I did not force myself on him. There is this huge hole in my heart and in my life that I have to fill with a man’s touch, affection and attention. Either that, or I may be tempted again to mix something in his food.

DBM: If you are tempted to physically or emotionally hurt someone you love, simply because they hurt you, then it would be best to walk out of the marriage.

Mercy: If there is any walking out to be done, that should be in his obituary.

DBM: If you truly love him, he will need you to help him do right by you.

Mercy: Dave, he doesn’t need me. Trust me, he has his side-chick.

DBM: Most men are addicted to approval and validation from other women. He might be one of those.

Mercy: I don’t care. Right now, it’s two things, I either find myself someone on the side to be meeting my needs – as he’s enjoying, or close this chapter with my husband permanently.

DBM: ‘Till death do us part’?

Mercy: That was my vow to him.

DBM: What about forgiveness? Because the real need for forgiveness is in marriage

Mercy: No good comes of it

DBM: No good comes out of cleansing your heart and making peace with yourself?

Mercy: You do not understand, I will not forget what he’s done to me.

DBM: I am not making any excuses for his behavior. All I am asking is, is his foolishness worth the foolish decision you’re intending on making?

Mercy: He should have thought of all that.

DBM: You need to confront your husband.

Mercy: And say what?

DBM: That, you are thinking of ways to make him pay for what he is doing to you.

Mercy: Why would I want to do that?

DBM: Because just like him, you’re equally flawed, and your perceptions are too.

Mercy: Thank you for the conversation.

DBM: You’re welcome, Mercy. Every relationship that we’ve all been in, one way or the other, requires some level of forgiveness to sustain its relevance to us.

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

Let’s Talk To Yorkow

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 6 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 19: Yorkow

DBM: Hi, Yorkow. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Yorkow: I am HIV+

DBM: Alright! But I would want to know other positive aspects there is to you.

Yorkow: I hold an MBA in Accounting and Finance, a Bachelor of Science in Accounting; I am highly analytical and result driven.

DBM: Okay! How old are you?

Yorkow: 40

DBM: Are you single, dating or married?

Yorkow: Widowed!

DBM: So sorry. How long were you married to your late wife?

Yorkow: 9 years.

DBM: You have children?

Yorkow: Daughter.

DBM: What kind of dad are you to your child?

Yorkow: I am crazy about her, and I love her with all of my heart. She’s smart and beautiful like her mum. I pray for her every day.

DBM: What type of man are you?

Yorkow: I care for myself and take care of all of my needs on my own.

DBM: That’s good to know. Alright, what do you want to talk about?

Yorkow: I am dealing with so much guilt.

DBM: Why is that?

Yorkow: I think I am the reason my wife is dead.

DBM: What makes you say that?

Yorkow: I may have infected her with the virus.

DBM: HIV?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: Knowingly or unknowingly?

Yorkow: Unknowingly.

DBM: Yorkow is not your real name, is it?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: Could you have imagined being the one who would hurt your wife through cheating?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: How so?

Yorkow: I married a woman I am not sure I loved 100%

DBM: What percentage of love was in you for her?

Yorkow: 35% of friendly love

DBM: You were not in love with her?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: Why did you marry her then?

Yorkow: I had to marry and have children.

DBM: Why did you marry your wife?

Yorkow: I don’t know.

DBM: Did you like her?

Yorkow: Yes! She was my friend, and I cared about her.

DBM: Cared in which way?

Yorkow: I wanted the best for her.

DBM: Were you the best for her?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: So, why did you take that place in her life?

Yorkow: She wasn’t finding the right man. All the guys she dated ended up hurting her feelings.

DBM: And what did you do differently when you took up space in her heart?

Yorkow: I made one of her dreams come true.

DBM: Which was?

Yorkow: Being married, having a baby.

DBM: Did you love the person you were cheating on your wife with?

Yorkow: I did.

DBM: What is her HIV status?

Yorkow: He is a man.

DBM: You’re gay?

Yorkow: Bisexual.

DBM: Which of the sexes are you drawn to the most?

Yorkow: Men.

DBM: What is the man’s HIV status?

Yorkow: +

DBM: Was he the only man you were sleeping with?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: Protected sex?

Yorkow: No! We had been together for more than 12 years. I trusted him.

DBM: You two were dating before you married your wife?

Yorkow: Yes.

DBM: And, your wife knew him?

Yorkow: She knew we were close friends.

DBM: Is he also married?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: So, he was the one sleeping around?

Yorkow: I suppose so.

DBM: Did he confirm to being with other men?

Yorkow: Yes!

DBM: Did he know about his HIV status, prior to you finding out about yours?

Yorkow: I don’t think so.

DBM: Do you think your wife knew about your relationship with him?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: Is your wife the type that would be unfaithful?

Yorkow: No! She’s a good woman.

DBM: How about your boyfriend’s wife?

Yorkow: I wouldn’t know.

DBM: It is not easy to deal with these feelings of guilt after betrayal, and still live with yourself as if nothing happened.

Yorkow: I feel horrible, and angry, and sad.

DBM: We all make mistakes.

Yorkow: Hmmm!

DBM: Would you want me to recommend a counselor I trust?

Yorkow: No!

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Yorkow: A lot.

DBM: Are you going to be alright?

Yorkow: I don’t know!

DBM: Do you have any support at home with your daughter?

Yorkow: Yes.

DBM: Forgive yourself, Yorkow. There are more positive things in your life to cheer you up; be conscious of those very things and allow yourself to be encouraged by them. And, please do not make that mistake of wasting your energy – trying to live up to, and become what this society expects you to be. You are saying you are attracted to men more; find decent men who like men, and relate to and with them the best way you understand love and affection. That is honesty! Honesty to yourself, and your creator. Only He can understand your true feelings and judge you accordingly.

Yorkow: Okay! I’ve got to work. Thanks!

Image Credit: Mike Jones

I DO… I DID… I’M DONE

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

You are doing a wonderful job on social media. Your platform is one of the neatest and diverse with different shades of people’s experiences. My wife introduced me to your page in 2019 and I have been reading every now and then. I want to share my journey with my wife for you to publish. I was going to print something at the internet café. The computer I was using had unclosed tabs. The guy who had used it before me forgot to sign off his Yahoo account. Dave, I was closing all tabs to start using it when I chanced on a website whoever was using had opened.

It was a video chat room. I signed up. I chose to chat with ladies from Ghana. The first connection I had my first chat was with my wife. I was striving to be memorable by leaving a lasting impression on her during our chat. She told me her phone had been stolen so she gave the phone number of her sister. She was living with her sister. I gave my number to her. Everything was going fine until ECG took their light. I didn’t go home that day. I waited for four hours till the lights were on. I sat next to the same computer to start over again. I went to the website and she had left me three messages. I replied and she came online. We continued for another hour and half before asking me to call her sister to buy her kenkey when coming home. Lol.

Fast forward, we became friends and dated and married. We have two children.

I cheated on my wife and I don’t know how she found out. I came from work one evening and she was not home. She left two pictures on our bed; the picture of me kissing and fondling the woman I was cheating on her with at the beach. That picture must have been taken months back because the time I saw it on our bed, it had passed seven months. My wife didn’t return to the house that evening. Our children weren’t in the house. Her phone was off. I called my mother-in-law and she told me her daughter had dropped off my children at her house. I went for them. The following day she didn’t come home. Mother-in-law said she didn’t know where her daughter had gone. I didn’t believe her but that was her story. My mother called me to tell me about the two pictures someone had brought to her. Same pictures as the ones I found in bed.

Dave, for two years, I did not hear from my wife. Nobody knew where she was. Some people knew but I think she told them not to inform me. For two years, my wife did not post on social media. The day she made her first post on Facebook after two years of silence, she was sharing her graduation pictures from Princeton University; her second Master’s degree. My wife left our children with me for two years to go to American without informing me. When she came back home, I didn’t argue with her. I was expecting an explanation and apology; she hasn’t apologized. Her explanation is always, I went to clear my head so I got another degree. She will pull her certificate and school ID to make her point.

Dave, in all truism, do you think my wife went to America to only study? Which woman leaves her children for two years? Even though our parents were helping with the children in her absence, don’t you think she owes me an explanation? It’s been six years since she did this and she’s not said anything different. And it’s been bothering me; because I know the woman I married, she is vengeful. She cheated on me too. I just want to know so I can call it a draw.

Image Credit: Stanley Morales

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