Tag: Family

Image Capturing My Imagination

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Mylo: My father wasn’t that upright at responding with words of truth when my mother was having a tough time trusting his actions. He couldn’t discern her feelings to treat her with compassion. I don’t even think he loved my mother that deeply, thus his inability to be consistent with her. Those were a few of my observations looking back into my childhood. I’m an adult now and I am married with no children. And as a husband, I am very thankful and fortunate to have a woman like my wife in my life.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?

Mylo: Been married for 29 years

DBM: That’s wonderful. Anyways, hello! How are you doing?

Mylo: I’m fine David. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. How did you meet your wife?

Mylo: We were friends in primary school and had kept in touch somehow.

DBM: When did you know you were developing deeper feelings for her?

Mylo: When I was in Mfantsipim School. I was finding ways to reach out to her because I realized how devoted I was exclusively to her and the friendship we shared. She was the only image of a woman capturing my wild imaginations.

DBM: Is she still the only image capturing your imaginations?

Mylo: I have not been with any other woman since the day I knew I had fallen in love with her. I’m drawn to her like bees to honey.

DBM: But you’ve been tempted or attracted to others every now and then, no?

Mylo: David, this may come as a shock but I’ve always been committed to my wife.

DBM: Why do you think other men find it so easy to be unfaithful?

Mylo: A man decides what he wants to do. A woman doesn’t have to do anything wrong to make a man cheat. He decides not to be honest. He decides when it’s convenient to lie. He decides who to play the field with. He decides when he thinks he’s ready to marry or not. All these decisions are made by the man without the help from a woman.

DBM: So, life and marriage in general is perfect for you then?

Mylo: My marriage isn’t perfect. We have our ups and downs. She gets mad at me every now and then but she loves me. I love my wife. Even in times she’s said or done something to get on my nerves, I remind myself of how much she loves me, and that she’s not intentionally trying to hurt me. I tell myself we will get through it. And we always do.

DBM: What would you tell the single, young woman reading this conversation and thinking of getting married someday?

Mylo: Do not assume that because you want to be married at a certain age means all the men you are dating and attracted to are ready for marriage. A lot of men do not want to outgrow their single phase. Conditioning such a man to marry you only gets you a husband at home. He’s partially single when he’s out of the house.

DBM: I know a number of married men who have told me they’re cheating on their wives because they’re not getting enough sex at home. What’s your take on that?

Mylo: Sex should not threaten love. As men, we need to know how to ask our wives for intimacy, not just sex. If I’m to cheat on my wife, it’s because I choose to be selfish. I’ll either choose to be dishonest or choose not to. My inability to fully commit to my marriage and wife isn’t the doing of anyone but myself.

DBM: You have no children, you said?

Mylo: No children and it’s okay. We all can’t have it all. The life I’ve built with my wife and the happiness we’ve created in our marriage feels like all the family we’ve ever wanted. My wife is full of love and is excited about me. I’m challenged everyday to remember why I married her and the home we look forward to in our future together, even if children are not a part of it. We are living a very contented, satisfying life.

DBM: What do you say to couples out there walking in these same shoes without children?

Mylo: You cannot pull the child-card as your excuse to betray the trust your spouse has in you. Doing that simply means your reasons for marrying wasn’t love. Know the bigger vision and purpose for your marriage. The love and connection beyond what you thought you could have or want.

Image Credit: Jbsp Kox’s

Brand New Man

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Marcus: Hi Dave. I am in my second marriage. The first was to my childhood sweetheart. We were together for 9 years but later realized we weren’t a good match. My ex-wife was unhappy in the marriage. We forced to be together due to the fear of being alone, and on my part, the shame. But we knew we both felt stuck. It wasn’t a satisfying marriage. The friendship was tight, it’s still tight. We are better as good friends; we’ve come to now realize that.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Kids?

Marcus: O yes, we have two. But I have three in my second marriage.

DBM: How long have you been married in your second chapter?

Marcus: 15 years

DBM: What finally made you part ways with your childhood sweetheart?

Marcus: We started to dislike each other and I realized our actions were harming our children more than our fear of a divorce could. My wife was accepting how bad I was treating her. I was enduring her silence and avoidance. We talked to each other anyhow, most of the time, not in the presence of the children but they felt it. They felt the tension and hate between us in the house. It was detrimental. What made me take the bold decision to file was when I saw my 7-year-old daughter accepting insults and beatings from her 8-year-old brother. I was not physically abusing their mother but they had been witnesses to us accepting each other’s bad behavior, and I think that was what was making her accept the same from her brother. I didn’t want that for her future relationships with guys or in her marriage.

DBM: How are the kids doing today?

Marcus: Perfect. They’re excelling in school and living their best lives. They love how cordial their mother and I have suddenly become. They love the peace between their two different households. The fact that my relationship with their mother didn’t work out didn’t mean it had to also affect the family we once were. Divorce isn’t pretty. It cost me an arm and leg, but it was a necessary lesson and sacrifice, though painful, to teach my children. I did everything I could, including putting in the work to try and salvage what felt like a loveless marriage.

DBM: In as much as I would like to grow into old age together with my partner until we both pass, if it ever should get to that point where I know our marriage hasn’t got any more fights left, I’d leave.

Marcus: That was the point I got to, Dave. But I thank my ex-wife for our years together. It wasn’t always as bad. As I mentioned from the beginning, she will always be the love of my life. I’ve learnt what not to do to my wife and I am a very happy man today. My wife and I have our days of disagreements and fights but I make sure not to point fingers at, or place any blames on her. I don’t have to ‘win’ in an argument anymore. I read one of your conversations with the guys and you were telling him, in your marriage, your focus as a couple during arguments is on your connection and not the power one lords over the other. That’s one lesson I learned from my first marriage. I wasn’t doing that with my ex-wife, and that became a huge challenge for us. In this new phase of my lifelong commitment to my wife on this journey of uncertainty, I am learning to do way better than expected of me.

DBM: Good for you!

Marcus: I’m trying to remember why I reached out to you. Damn, I’ve forgotten the reason.

DBM: Lol! It’s all good.

Marcus: This is serious Charley. I can’t remember o.

DBM: That’s okay! You can always come back to continue with the chat.

Marcus: Damn…

DBM: It’s all good!

Marcus: Anyway, thank you for all that you’re using your Facebook to do for free. Some of us are learning.

DBM: It’s a learning platform for me too.

Marcus: Bro. this marriage thing isn’t child’s play but some of us are willing to stay true to our vows, “For better, for worse”. We don’t commit and become good husbands only for the good stuff. That wouldn’t be a genuine commitment. I agreed to go the long haul with my wife, and I am willing to reach the highest peak and climb the tallest mountain with her by my side. And the lowest valleys, we will descend together. So far, I’m proud to say our marriage and relationship has grown and become deep and beautiful. We have a wonderful friendship too. My wife and I do not have a lot in common but we get along just fine.

DBM: I’m happy for you. Is your ex-wife married?

Marcus: Yes. I’ve never seen her that happy. I wasn’t the one meant for her. I am so glad she did not waste her heart to stay in our stagnant marriage. It’s nice to sometimes brave the unfamiliar territories.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Deliberate Intent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Karl: Dave, quick chat. My wife complains about every little I do. I’m of the opinion that she’s getting tired of me.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain ‘every little thing’ you do.

Karl: For example, I come home sometimes very late.

DBM: From work?

Karl: Yeah, sometimes

DBM: How about the other times you come home very late?

Karl: I stay out late so the time I get home, the kids would be asleep.

DBM: You don’t enjoy the company of your children?

Karl: They can be a lot, Dave.

DBM: So, your wife is the only one left to deal with the ‘lot’?

Karl: She’s good at it.

DBM: Has she a 9-to-5 job of her own?

Karl: Yes.

DBM: How old are your children?

Karl: The oldest is 11. Youngest is 6

DBM: Do you feel guilt at all missing the bedtime of your children?

Karl: Sometimes

DBM: Which of you gets your kids up and fed and ready for school?

Karl: The wife

DBM: Who does the housecleaning, laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping and helps the kids with their homework?

Karl: My wife. She’s always loved doing that.

DBM: What do you love to do at home?

Karl: I pay the bills and fees

DBM: Does your wife contribute financially towards the bills, fees and household management?

Karl: Yes, sometimes

DBM: Sometimes, meaning?

Karl: Not regularly.

DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how frequent are her monthly contributions?

Karl: I’d say 7 or 8.

DBM: That is a regular financial contribution towards the household.

Karl: Yes

DBM: What do you do during the weekends?

Karl: I rest. I sleep in during the weekends because my weekdays are hectic.

DBM: What’s your wife’s profession?

Karl: Accountant

DBM: She does all that, and what do you do? Come home late from work or wherever else you choose to spend your time in the evenings and lay down in bed and sleep. And repeat the same routine the following day? Your partner really would be at loss at what to do.

Karl: That’s not how it’s like.

DBM: How is it like then?

Karl: She’s making an issue out of everything I do because she doesn’t trust me.

DBM: Why doesn’t she trust you?

Karl: I made a few mistakes in the past and she’s still holding it against me.

DBM: What kind of mistakes? Argh! Do I even need to ask! You had an affair, no?

Karl: Yes

DBM: It was a one-time thing?

Karl: No

DBM: And you call that a mistake?

Karl: We all make mistakes, Dave

DBM: There is a difference between making a mistake and choosing to make bad decisions. Because everything you have done thus far has been willful acts.

Karl: Here comes the other judge

DBM: I’m not being judgmental boss. I am just telling you everything you have told me thus far in other words. What are you desiring in your marriage that your wife isn’t forthcoming with?

Karl: I desire more space in the marriage. Something needs to change.

DBM: What needs to change?

Karl: I don’t want to be the one to tear our family in half, all for my own comfort. Dave, I’m not happy. I’m not cut for this whole husband and father role.

DBM: Why did you get married?

Karl: I’ve been asking myself the same question. She got pregnant with our first child and she wasn’t prepared to have a child out of wedlock.

DBM: Do you love her?

Karl: I like her. She’s a good girl. Hardworking. Beautiful. Sensible. She used to be fun to be with. I don’t recognize her anymore.

DBM: What work do you do?

Karl: I’m an engineer

DBM: Imagine this scenario: Your workload at work suddenly got increased, while your job title and compensation remained the same. How would that make you feel?

Karl: Frustrated

DBM: Would you still feel that frustration knowing you’re doing more without being recognized or consequently, rewarded?

Karl: Yes

DBM: Marriage is not like your engineering field where every new task seems to fall within your skillset or better still, aligned with your career goals. Marriage is a stretch beyond what we think we’re prepared for. It’s a significant stretch beyond what you initially vowed on your marriage day to do. Let’s go back to the increased workload scenario. What would you do, quit?

Karl: No

DBM: What would you do?

Karl: What would you also do?

DBM: I have always found delight in taking on extra responsibilities at work and seeing it as an opportunity to showcase my capabilities. It’s also a way for me to position myself for a promotion. Marriage is no joke. We push through it all. That is what your wife has been doing all these years since you two got married. Her role is no longer the girlfriend you used to have fun with. Her role expanded after marriage. She became your wife and a mother to your children. She’s been handling these extra tasks successfully. What have you been doing?

Karl: I help the best way I can

DBM: Is your best good enough?

Karl: I don’t know

DBM: You need to live long enough to appreciate how your wife has been ordering her steps to put your family together as a unit. Deflecting and starting to question whether your marriage is still the right place for your long-term peace of mind and happiness isn’t the solution to the very problems you have been creating within it. Check your intent sir, because you’re deliberately choosing to disrespect your wife and marriage.

Karl: Thanks.

DBM: Do not become the type of guys who only sound smart and wise on social media and pretend they know what it takes to be a responsible husband but do not live any of it.

Karl: Thanks. Got to go.

Image Credit: Jay Soundo

Struttin’ With Some Barbecue

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Oumar: Hello David. I want to share how I met my wife. I was working in Johannesburg in 2014. It was a holiday and I had made plans with some of my work colleagues to go out to a strip club. We arrived at the club after 11:30pm and the show had already begun. All kinds of pretty girls were there but the one who caught my attention first, was my wife. She was in her thin lingerie on the stage performing on the pole. I could not take my eyes off her. She was the focal point on stage. The lights had been dimmed, and was dancing for a room full of almost 300 horny men, all looking at her. She twerked and made her sexy moves to entertain all the guys cheering her on, and then after the stage performance, walked down to every guy in the room’s table to collect her tips. I watched eagerly as those pleased with her dance moves tucked money in her almost-nothing undergarment.

She got to my table and I rewarded her handsomely, and she noticed my tip. The amount was huge; even I knew I had gone too far with it but I wanted her to have it. She had earned it. She asked if I needed anything in particular, and I said no. She left my table and went round to collect from the other guys before coming back to me, again. She handed me a note requesting for my presence in her private chamber. I gladly followed. She asked me to sit while she lap-danced on me. The craziest sh*t I had ever experienced. Though it was purely professional, it was hot as f*ck. I enjoyed my drink while she made her nasty moves on me. When she was done and tired, she sat on my lap to catch a breath. I held on to her so tight. I could feel her smile. She turned to stare back at me with a smile. It was after she had thanked me for my generous tip that I realized I was interested in knowing her.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): She being a stripper wasn’t a bother to you?

Oumar: You have asked a very important question. I used to live by a specific set of values, and because of that, I wasn’t so very accepting of others that easily. But after I had asked why she stripped and she gave me her reasons, I was willing to acknowledge her reality as her truth and did not make any attempt to push my expectations on her to change her profession. She needed money to pay for her tuition and feeding at school. She was a student at The University of the Witwatersrand, Johannesburg.

DBM: Interesting! Why did you want to get to know her?

Oumar: She was an attractive lady. I think attraction sparked at first sight. And it sneaked up on me when we had our one-on-one encounter in her private chamber. It was stealthy and unexpected. I also took notice of how intelligent and sensitive she was in person. She had a good sense of humor and was an ambitious girl. She carried herself so well and was super confident. I was drawn to all. We became friends for eight months before our first kiss and hook-up. I liked her from the start but my feelings of love for her were like a sleeping cat. It took eight months of knowing, liking, accepting and respecting her before it awakened.

DBM: That’s good to know.

Oumar: Yes. I kind of knew I liked her from the onset but I didn’t want to encourage myself to believe that. The interest grew when I realized she wasn’t playing the ‘hard-to-get’ games with me. Though she did not sell herself cheap, she made sure she didn’t make her presence and feelings for me so hard to win me over. One of the reasons why I didn’t give up on her. I married her two months after our first kiss. We’re still growing strong as a couple, two kids later.

DBM: Congratulations! I love stories like these. What would you say is making your marriage stand out and not blend in?

Oumar: I made a decision to fall in love with her as many times as I could, each day of our lives together. It’s the same woman every day, but I still enjoy it. I am loyal to my wife; I am committed to my wife. I trust my wife and she trusts me. I am emotionally exclusive with only her. Physically, my fidelity is to only her, so Dave, you don’t have to ask whether I have cheated on her before. I am very faithful to my wife. Mentally, I am dedicated to only her needs. I take my marriage to my wife very seriously and have not forgotten that, our relationship prior to marriage required daily effort. I have not become lazy after our ‘I do’s’. Also, I did not come into our marriage with any unreasonable expectations concerning sex or intimacy. We instead, build each other up. Anytime we’re out together, we are always holding hands; we are always cuddling at bedtime. Do not get me wrong, we both have our shortcomings and we are not blind to our faults. However, we choose to rather celebrate our strengths and support each other in areas we are weak.

DBM: What is your wife’s current profession?

Oumar: She’s the Chief Finance Officer at the company she works for. She’s making close to R4.5 million per year.

Image Credit: Haybee The Photographer

Learning To Co-Parent

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Enyonyam: Hello David. How are you? I would like to share a situation I find myself in to get your views and that of your audience.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing? Sorry for the late response. I am just seeing your message.

Enyonyam: Hi David. I am excited! Finally, I got you. Thank you for getting back to me. My story goes like this, Dave. My ex-husband and I were long time friends before we started dating. At the time I believed we were good friends. I never anticipated that the friendship would end up in a relationship. I did not envision that from the onset considering the nature of our friendship. Fast forward, we got married. I must confess I put everything into the marriage. Prior to the marriage, he had a son which he hid from me and only disclosed when we were making preparations to get married. I felt betrayed and felt he was not trustworthy considering the fact that he could conceal such information. However, based on the advice of close friends on his side I agreed. Soon after our marriage, he started exhibiting signs I never saw during our dating. He became mean and was reluctant to make love to me. I noticed a change of behavior at the onset of the marriage. I must confess he was not financially okay at the time, and I was also not in a good position to assist.

DBM: What advice did his close friends give to you?

Enyonyam: That since the mother of the child was married and there was less chance of him going back to her, I had no cause to worry. They assured he was a better person now too.

DBM: Interesting! I am listening.

Enyonyam: So, I was also convinced because he carried himself so well. Everyone viewed him as an ‘angel’. He was religious and down to earth as society would usually say. Dave my issue is the person I encountered in marriage comes nowhere near the image perceived by people around him. In fact, no one believed me at the time. I fell into depression especially as a nursing mother, faced career issues because I wasn’t mentally stable and many more. Eventually I had to leave the marriage.

DBM: Did you at least, bother to find out from him when he got the lady pregnant exactly where his headspace was when he cheated?

Enyonyam: Let me clarify. He had that child years before he met me. So, my issue was why he did not disclose that he had a child. His explanation was that it was a one-off sexual encounter that resulted in pregnancy. That incident he claimed was not reflective of his character.

DBM: Oh, okay! I get it now.

Enyonyam: Thanks. So back to the reason I left the marriage. I was emotionally abused and neglected. But Dave, one of the main reasons for leaving the marriage was that he started engaging with an ex-girlfriend when we got married. When I found out and confronted him, he denied and would rather feign anger. Fast forward when I was convinced that he was indeed having the affair, I left. This ex-girlfriend was married at the time of their affair. Meaning they were both married. She left her husband whilst he continued to emotionally abuse me so that I left the marriage rather.

DBM: If I choose to be abusive, disrespectful or unfaithful to my partner, I am very much aware that I am making a choice that’s unfair, certainly uncaring and selfish. So, he knew exactly what he was doing to you, unfortunately.

Enyonyam: I feel better knowing this because at a point I felt I was mentally unstable. He would make me doubt my reality and tell everyone I am making up stories. That he was not cheating.

DBM: I am so sorry about that.

Enyonyam: Thankfully, shortly after our divorce, they remarried. I use the word ‘thankfully because I feel vindicated.

DBM: Ha!

Enyonyam: I feel I was not making up stories. Everyone makes it appear you left because you were not ‘marriage material’ which I care little about because I know my worth and know how much I poured into the marriage.

DBM: People will talk no matter what. That is how come I hardly would respond to anyone and their perceptions of me.

Enyonyam: I must learn to master same too

DBM: Lol!

Enyonyam: So, my concern now is how do I co parent peacefully with him knowing that his wife broke our home. She knew very much about me. She gave us a wedding gift during our wedding. Gave us clothes for the baby during the naming ceremony. I feel so pained knowing how insensitive and selfish they both have been and the fact that they have displaced a young child from his home. The thought of single parenting breaks me. I cannot envision my child going to her. I am not bitter but describing how I feel seems so but I can assure you that I am at peace.

DBM: Is she the same lady he had a kid with prior to meeting you?

Enyonyam: No. This one was married for about 5 years and had no child out of that marriage. She left her marriage just when we got married. She appears to have money and it appears he went in for her money.

DBM: I see. Or he might have also gone in for love. It could be anything

Enyonyam: Well, it is possible. I am just wondering if love defies everything including abandoning your home and child to have an affair with a married woman who later becomes his wife. I cannot judge. I have chosen not to question his choice. The reason I left to find someone who appreciates me.

DBM: While it’s important to maintain a stable front for the sake of your children, have you felt all of your feelings after the split with your ex?

Enyonyam: No. I am not angry he chose another woman over me. I am still hurt that he would cause my son to go through the pain of not having both parents under the same roof. The pain of knowing what divorce does to children and also especially because this is his second time of having a child and not playing any significant role in their upbringing. He believes once he sends monthly stipend he is carrying out his fatherly duties. I see fatherhood as a bigger concept than financial provision. I am struggling and need help on how to handle issues of the betrayal alongside raising a son who will not grow up to be like him in this regard.

DBM: You need to give yourself space to feel all these emotions. Do you sometimes feel tempted to bad-mouth your ex-husband around your son?

Enyonyam: No, I have never done that. What I struggle with is letting him around him completely. I feel he will not have a good influence on him. At the same time, I know a child needs a father. Also, the nature of the betrayal makes it difficult to trust him and his wife completely.

DBM: Your child doesn’t just need his father. He needs structure and consistency from the both of you. How you both choose to express discipline and whatever kind of boundaries to the expectations of both households is what needs to be discussed right now. You need to put the betrayal and the parties that contributed to it aside and come up with a reliable framework for your son’s sake.

Enyonyam: I agree but I must confess consistency has never been a thing on his part. I am happy to work towards something that would work for my son.

DBM: Have you two ever agreed on anything since the divorce?

Enyonyam: Yes, to some extent. We have some agreed terms. I must confess I have found it difficult communicating with him. I would rather stay in my corner than reach out to him. It’s something I am struggling with. And this is because I would rather do it all rather than experience the disappointments all over. When you expect him to do something he won’t and vice versa.

DBM: Is he the type of person who would be willing to parent his child with you as a united front, or he’s the type to rather parent separately? Because from what you are telling me, you would rather do yours separately for the sake of your peace of mind.

Enyonyam: I honestly cannot tell what the dynamics would be now. What I can say is he previously never cared about significant issues such as milestones, educational progress etc. of our son. After the divorce and when he noticed people were advising him to pay heed to child and also that I had set strong boundaries, he started showing interest in the child. So, I am not sure what his parenting style would be now. I am only wondering? Do I sound bitter if I do not want his wife around my son. Or unhealed if I feel she cannot be trusted.

DBM: Do you want to know what I really think or you want to hear what I want you to hear?

Enyonyam: No, I want to know what you think because I want to be a better version of myself. I am still on my healing journey.

DBM: Learn to let go of your control so you can be open to trusting him and his wife to have your son’s best interest at heart when he’s there visiting. I know some things still does not make sense to you but try.

Enyonyam: Thanks so much for acknowledging it does not come easy. I will do my best.

Image Credit: Katrin Bolovtsova

Happiness Seeker

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Charlotte: Mr. David, how are you doing? I have a problem. I don’t know if it’s an actual problem or it’s just my own insecurities stemming from fear. I think my husband doesn’t want to be married anymore. He hasn’t specifically told me that but I feel like he’s checking out slowly on us.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Have you talked to him about your observation?

Charlotte: Yes. He thinks I’m worrying over nothing

DBM: Are you?

Charlotte: No. My husband is the type to say what you want to hear to make you happy. He’s not the kind to be upfront with the truth.

DBM: What made you want to marry a man who is not upfront with the truth?

Charlotte: Love

DBM: Ask him if he is happily married to you

Charlotte: Direct like that?

DBM: Would you not want to know?

Charlotte: I want to know but what if he says no? What happens to me?

DBM: If someone tells me they do not love me anymore, I will respect my own feelings and do everything possible to change the status quo.

Charlotte: He does not have time to spend with me and the children. He compensates the children by buying them things or taking them out once in a while.

DBM: Is he a workaholic?

Charlotte: His job isn’t that demanding

DBM: Is that a guesstimate or he said so himself?

Charlotte: He told me. That is why I find it a bit baffling. He has time for friends. He has time to have fun. He has time to travel. He has time for social gatherings. He has time to be on his phone, 24/7. If I am lucky to be invited to a public function alongside him, there would be no display of affection between us, but you will see him excited talking to the wives and girlfriends of other people.

DBM: So, at such functions, you can also talk to the husbands and boyfriends of other people. You don’t need your husband’s approval or permission to do that.

Charlotte: I don’t subscribe to tit for tat.

DBM: It’s not tit for tat. You need to take control of what interests you too. Your husband is probably engaging in conversations about politics, football, money, governance, work etc. with people. Find people who speak your same language and connect with them. You don’t have to have your husband at all cost to be doing things with you. It’s an indirect form of control. It pushes men away

Charlotte: What if I want him to be discussing those topics with me instead at home? What if I want to tag along when he’s traveling with someone to go on one of his exploration trips?

DBM: You want my opinion?

Charlotte: Of course,

DBM: Do not beg anyone to spend time with you, not even a husband. If you want to travel to sight-see, plan the trip and go anyways, with or without him. You know what you want. You know what you need. What is stopping you from telling your husband what you intend doing and doing it anyways?

Charlotte: I fear pushing him more away if I’m to start acting that way

DBM: I don’t know how you want to live the rest of your life but you need to adjust your priorities accordingly and become your own happiness seeker.

Charlotte: If he’s seeking his happiness and I am seeking mine, who will take care of the children?

DBM: Alternate your weekends. If he is going out this weekend, stay at home with the kids. Next weekend, you can go out and live your best life while he remains home with the kids. That is the fairest thing to do, in my opinion.

Charlotte: Dave, sometimes we need our husbands.

DBM: You have your husband

Charlotte: Yeah, but I need him to be a part of what we do as a family.

DBM: You need him because…?

Charlotte: There is no one else I would want by side.

DBM: Have you told him that?

Charlotte: In other words, yes.

DBM: No, I mean in those exact words

Charlotte: No.

DBM: Is he patient with you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he listen to you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he understand you?

Charlotte: Sometimes

DBM: Does he let you cry?

Charlotte: I feel like sometimes he just doesn’t care if I cry

DBM: Has he been your constant support and encouragement?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Is he leading your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he provide for the family?

Charlotte: He’s doing the best he can

DBM: Does he protect your family?

Charlotte: I don’t know how to answer that. He’s generally not home. My son was telling me the other day that his father is hardly home to spend time with them.

DBM: Does he respect you?

Charlotte: I don’t know

DBM: Does he pray for you?

Charlotte: No

DBM: Is he honest with you?

Charlotte: Not really

DBM: Does he make you laugh?

Charlotte: Why all these questions?

DBM: A ‘yes’ to my questions should have been the only reason why you need your husband. Do not let your world close in on you because of marriage and children in the mix. There are some men who, the more you chase for their attention, the more they run from you. If you feel your husband is checking out, let him; while you work on differentiating yourself as an individual in your own right, while being connected to the marriage as a whole.

Charlotte: Hmmm

DBM: Marriage and family life is challenging, don’t get me wrong. I am figuring my own out the best way I know how. But truth is, no matter what you do or whatever your approach is, marriage and family life can be challenging.

Charlotte: Dave, thank you.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Date Me! (Part 1)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

16 years ago, my then fiancé left me, my family, his family, our friends and a host of invited guests waiting for him to show up on our wedding day. He did not show. Dave, I had been dreaming about my wedding day, and even the dress I would wear since before I met my him. I had pictured it in my head and even shared our big day with him. Though it was difficult to get that perfect and well-planned image into words, he loved every bit of the detail I managed to describe to him. He added his own vision of his wedding day and we realized our D-day was going to be the opposite of anxious.

We both wanted a comfortable and fun event. We agreed on something simple, budget friendly, yet romantic and beautiful beyond belief. I could practically see myself walking up the aisle in my satin ballgown with a smooth slit, a long train, buttons down the back of my wedding dress. I wore the exact gown 16 years ago to create into reality our dream. The situation for that day was beyond ugly. It was embarrassing and sad. I was in the car parked in front of the chapel with my dad, waiting for a signal to join the service.

My fiancé loved me very much and I know he also craved the same level of safety and security that being married could bring us. I remember while we waited for like forever for that damn signal, my dad shared the story of how he could not wait to settle down with my mum in marriage on their wedding day.  He asked if I felt the same way about my fiancé and my answer was yes; I was not willing to wait. Neither was he.

After being in the car for what seemed like an hour, his sister came to where we had parked to inform us of her brother’s decision. He wasn’t coming. The look on her face broke me. She was my friend and couldn’t wait to officially call me her sister in love. It was brought to my attention that her brother had gotten a lady pregnant and she wasn’t going to abort nor raise the child. She wanted us to raise her child. Yes, you read right. Me and my fiancé to raise the child she was having with him. Those were her conditions, else she was going to show up in church and raise her hand when it came to the part of, ‘If anyone here has an objection, speak now or forever hold your peace’.

My dad asked what I was going to do and I told him to go inside the chapel with my friend to apologize to everyone and cancel the day. They left and I was in the car alone with the driver. The driver was my boss at work who had volunteered to be my personal chauffer. He was a widower. His wife had died the year before. “Why did you offer to be our driver today?” I asked.

“Because you have been consistent at being the direct report that sees the chaos and cleans it up at work. You fix any unexpected problem at work. I have seen you move mountains to deliver on commitments in my company. You have made me a ton of money and also pulled the entire team at work together. I see what you do for my business. This was the least I could do for you and your husband.” he answered, while smiling.

Dave, even though I couldn’t avoid being sad and literally, watching my dream of a ‘happily ever after’ crumble, that little moment with my boss became my biggest motivation to immediately sit up and try to be thankful for all things happening together for my good. I started to believe that I deserved what was better than the embarrassment of a failed wedding in front of family and friends.

“Do you know what you need right now?” my boss asked, “You need a man who has reached the age of commitment. You are a woman seriously trying to find a husband. Date me!”

Dave, I am getting ready to go join my husband in bed. I will continue with the second part of our love story tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Image Credit: Pavel Danilyuk

GOD Comes Through

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife usually wakes up around 2:30 AM to pray. She will quietly get up and try not to disturb my sleep. Most of the time I will hear the bedroom door gently being opened and closed when she’s heading to the living room. I am not the easiest guy to be married to, and I know my wife a lot of the time cannot deal with my anger and temperament. I am very aware of my flaws and have been trying to work on myself. I was feeling very hungry for whatever reason this specific dawn, and so I got up to go and warm leftover soup in the kitchen.

My wife had her headphones on and was seated at the dinning table, praying. I went to the kitchen, put the soup on fire, lowered the heat and returned to our bedroom to relax on the bed. I didn’t realize when or how but I had dozed off. The next thing I heard was my wife screaming and calling out my name. I woke up inhaling intense smoke coming from the hallway. Flames. Sparks gushing from the kitchen. Our house was on fire and my wife and kids had already run out, screaming for help.

I brought a baggage of insecurities into our marriage that my wife found it very difficult to address because I would always be on the defense. To the extent that I had failed to even admit I had left soup on fire and gone back to sleep. I couldn’t take the blame. By the time the fire truck arrived, our house had burnt down. We lost everything. Dave, my hands were literally on my head while I cried out. I was still barefooted walking from one edge of our compound to the other.

My daily routine suddenly had changed. I was now officially bent on worrying every day about how we were going to start all over again. I would leave our early morning quiet time feeling encouraged by the word of God explained by my wife. My wife takes the bible to its word, she ends up always boosting my confidence in God, but my mid-day, the worries had returned. Man was afraid. Man was in doubt. Man had lost hope. Man couldn’t forgive himself for being reckless. Man couldn’t tell his wife the truth about the soup he left on fire.

Fast forward to five months later. I received a phone call from an unknown number. He was a former school mate. He used to eat from my chop box. We were good friends. He had heard about my incident and wanted us to meet for lunch at his house. The moment he saw me approaching his car, he smiled. I couldn’t smile back but he kept smiling. He put his arm around my shoulder and called me by my nickname. That forced a light smile out of me.

“You look like you haven’t eaten for 30 years. Are you hungry?” he asked. I wasn’t. I just needed money and to be left alone. “You know you’re going to be fine?” he kept whispering, calmly and quietly. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I lost everything that dawn in the fire. Everything that mattered to me. “But you didn’t lose your wife and children. Those are the important people that matter” he spoke. I got to later find out he owned a construction company and the four-bedroom house we were standing in front of was one of the properties he had built to put on the market. He waved the keys in my face, made another silly joke about my posture before handing it over to me.

“God spoke to me. He instructed me to remember you. He has been guiding my decisions. This particular prompting didn’t make sense to me. But he said he had made a promise to your wife. God says he keeps his promises. He says your wife has waited on him for long, and he has to come through for her. Welcome to your new home.”

Some jokes we know are expensive. This wasn’t one of them. Who would have thought a simple act of kindness that happened in Secondary School, 29 years ago, from Form 1 to Form 3; allowing this poor kid to be eating whatever he wanted from my chop box because I had more than enough could create a positive impact on his life. I thought I only was deriving life satisfaction and fulfilment from seeing a friend get fed and feeling thankful. My aid meant nothing to me. It was simply a small gesture but it made a difference in improving his situation. His aid towards me and my family in our time of need made a big difference in our lives. It’s good to know there are still good people left in this world who are willing to come through for others in need of their assistance.

Image Credit: Andrey Karpov

Being Responsible

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I was 23 years old and, in the university, when news got to me that both of my parents had died. The last real memory I had of them was at the morning of their funeral. Their caskets were in the center aisle. My mother looked so peaceful and rested in her casket. When I looked down at my father, his face had been positioned in an almost frown. He looked angry as always. My sister was 20 years old by then and I remember hearing her cry uncontrollably, it almost broke me to tears. I was determined not to cry and I remained strong. I had already cried enough and had no more tears left to shed.

I held myself together as the priest conducted the service till, they had been buried. My sister and I found ourselves alone for the first time after everyone had left and we were devastated. Being the oldest child, it dawned on me the challenge of being responsible for my sister’s upkeep. I hadn’t considered a day in my life where I was going to be the grown up in the room helping my younger sister through her grief, while at the same time, working through my own. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I remember closing my eyes and crying behind my confusion. Dave, it felt impossible for me to even pray because I was overwhelmed by the sorrow and despair.

I knew I and my sister desperately needed consolation from God, but we didn’t know what to say to Him. I in particular was too heartbroken to even think about the right words to pray with. What I was grateful for though, was the fact that our mother taught us early in life how to have a praying heart and soul which was turned to God. So, in a time like that, we could remember every now and then, that our actions and deeds; even in our inability to have the right words to pray, our tears and sorrows, our hurts and disappointments; our fears could all be transformed into the perfect communion and communication with God. All we had to do was cry and God understood.

The first week after their burial, I took on a responsibility, while tough, seemed the most obvious and unambiguous; I had to ensure my sister’s basic needs were tendered to. I made sure she ate, even if it meant a bite or two. I cooked, did laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, stocked the kitchen with some of her preferred foods that required little or no preparation. I became her dad all of a sudden, doing the biggest job on my own. Taking good care of a grown woman is a responsibility that does not show up on any man’s resume. I learned to pour all the love and its emotions I never knew I could give, all the support into my sister so she could become an astounding young woman.

I feel very proud of myself right now because my sister recently got married and raised a toast in my honor. She believes I challenged her preferences in men. She used to be all about looks and charm. If a man had a handsome face, an attractive physique, made enough money and could make her laugh, she would be allured to that. But 14 years after the death of our parents, she’s come to realize that an incredibly handsome man who is irresponsible and unreliable is not an attractive man. A rich man who makes promises and plans but not follow through on them is not an attractive man. Her tribute and appreciation of me was basically to say that, I was the type of man who showed up when I said I would.

I took charge when all hope seemed lost. I did not sit back and let things happen, I made things happen for us. Aside encouraging her daily to express her true feelings and emotions, I stood by her as she began to move forward from grief to, ultimately, pursuing her dreams in life. I was driven and motivated to make sure we were one step ahead each and every day and this, according to her, inspired her to be the best version of herself. She is now married to a man who also has the ability to perceive her emotional state and respond calmly to her needs. My wife is also the type of woman who knows how to manage not just her own emotions, but can discern that of my own. Thank you, David, for this platform that is allowing some of us guys to look beyond the surface and pour our hearts out.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz 

Exploring Gray Areas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dave, no judgement. We know you. You think every black man is up to no good. That was just by the way. There was a time in my life that I had to be tilting the screen of my phone away from my wife anytime she walked by. A lot was happening on the apps on my phone that I didn’t want her to see. I had to be changing my passwords often because she was getting suspicious. It got to that point where privacy suddenly meant everything to me. I was in the wrong for having all these cheating tools hiding in plain sight.

I didn’t know she had installed Spynger and Eyezy to track activities on my phone, computer and cloud. She had access to all my SMS messages, call logs, photos, files and even my location. Things and contacts I had deleted, she had access to all. Dave, I work in IT, and mSpy had been installed and running quietly in the background, monitoring my social media posts, messages, friend lists, people I followed or chat with and I didn’t have a clue.
She gathered her evidence before confronting me. I didn’t have much to say because everything she was showing me did happen. She did not talk to me for two weeks. I came home from work one day and she told me she was no longer interested in having a monogamous relationship with me anymore. She wanted us to agree on guidelines that allowed us to screw or have emotional relations outside of our marriage. This is not an arrangement I was in favor of, but because I messed up first, I couldn’t fight it.
I asked if it was going to be purely sexual or we were allowed to look for emotional intimacy and she said she didn’t care. ‘Whatever happens, happens’. That was her response.

I also asked if we were going to play outside our marriage individually or together and she said individually. Dave, I love my wife and children and I do not want to raise my kids in two separate homes. That is why I was willing to allow her proposition in the first place, so she could even the score. I asked my wife how long she wanted the set-up to last so we could put the past behind us and get back to where we left off. She said the new arrangement was going to be our new normal. I’ve been thinking about this for sometime and have been wondering whether she’s opting for it because she already has someone in mind or she’s just not happy with our marriage?

I want to keep an open mind while I consider her offer. Though this might be the perfect opportunity for me to think outside the box about what more I might want sexually that I was afraid to ask previously, this eventually could also be the end of us if we are to open this door to explore the gray areas.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz

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