Tag: Love

Let’s Talk To Unathi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 190: Name is Unathi

DBM: Hello Unathi. How would you describe yourself?

Unathi: My stomach is full, my balls are empty

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Unathi: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Unathi: I want to share my experience in marriage. I’ve been married to Sbusiso for 12 years. And in all the years we’ve been together, he’s poured his love into me every moment. I’ve never been adored from head to toe like he adores me. He loves me to the extent that I know I am not alone in this. Love that confirms to me every day, that I am a part of something way bigger than myself. Our future looks bright, our dreams look interesting because it has the potential to come true. Our journey, though not always smooth, has been rewarding.

DBM: That is nice to know. How did you meet?

Unathi: I knew his cousin and he had been trying to get us together. The cousin invited me to his graduation dinner, and had simultaneously invited over Sbusisso too. That was how we first met. He made us sit side-by-side at the restaurant and practically, forced us to talk.

DBM: Hehehe!

Unathi: Actually, when he walked in, I recognized him immediately because his cousin had told me a lot about him. I had also seen pictures of them together.

DBM: Was he the type you usually would go for?

Unathi: No!

DBM: You knew this prior to meeting him?

Unathi: I did!

DBM: Interesting

Unathi: He wasn’t unattractive. He just wasn’t the type I found attractive.

DBM: Understood!

Unathi: Also, I had made a decision to adjust my standards and be willing to get to know him as a person. Five minutes into our conversation, I discovered I had a belly laugh that could grow with each second he tried to be really funny. That was the first ‘something’ I noticed to find physically appealing and attractive about him. How he made me smile and laugh. I liked his smile. I liked his laugh.

DBM: If you could change anything about the way you were set up to meet your husband, what would it be?

Unathi: I would change the context of the meeting. We were at a graduation dinner, with a lot of his family and friends. I would have preferred the two of us alone at the table instead.

DBM: You liked him already?

Unathi: I started connecting on an emotional level in less than an hour of meeting him. In that moment, I knew the rest could fall into place.

DBM: Attraction does grow with time.

Unathi: That is true

DBM: I’m very proud of you for giving a man you usually wouldn’t go for a chance to know you.

Unathi: One of the best decisions I ever made in life. I have been pleasantly surprised and been loved in a way that still makes me feel like, I am the only one in the world who truly matters to him.

DBM: Do you feel you are in love with who your husband is right now as a whole? Or you’re only that much into his good side, and maybe, his potential and, or the overall idea of him?

Unathi: Firstly, I wouldn’t have gone for a skinny, bald man, who is my height or a bit even shorter. I liked them tall, dark, thick, very well built and manly. My husband is the total opposite of what I go for physically, in features. But none of it mattered in less than an hour of talking to him. He calmed my fears that, I was bold enough to request for a real date. Something about the way he talked to my spirit sowed a seed of happiness and fulfillment in me that I never expected. I’m okay with the man Sbusiso, and I love the shit out of him.

DBM: In other words, you’re not settling for what you deserve?

Unathi: I’m fighting for what I know I do deserve: A good man who loves me to the end.

DBM: What is something that surprised you about falling in love?

Unathi: I used to think love alone formed the foundation of a marriage. Now, I know respect rather is its cornerstone. Had the respect between me and my husband not been mutual, our pillars of trust, understanding and communication would have crumbled by now. Mind you, I am not the easiest guy to live with, and that alone bypasses explanation.

DBM: What does a happy marriage look like to you?

Unathi: A bond that consists of true love, understanding, respect and resilience, nurtured now for the future. That is the promise we make at home every day, to stand by one another.

DBM: What do you remember most about the first time you had sex with Sbusiso?

Unathi: Eina! It was a horror movie.

DBM: Lol!

Unathi: Picture this: First Blood, 1972. Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo, bending to take a dick.

DBM: You’re funny! Lol!

Unathi: I’m serious! I’m a top, my husband is a top. And because the love was new and felt good, we did not pay attention to our sexual needs before falling in love and agreeing to be in a relationship.

DBM: Was it that difficult a subject to discuss?

Unathi: It was. I almost admitted it was a mistake, and was ready to move on to find someone who could be more compatible with me.

DBM: How did you find a way around it?

Unathi: We had a long talk and came up with ideas. My first suggestion was for us to get a submissive bottom to play with. A guy to be used and shared. Sbusiso was against it. My second idea was for us to find a third party that was a bottom and have 3-somes together. Again, he wasn’t open to it. He wasn’t willing for us to break up, and so he suggested alternatively fucking each other in the ass. I had that in mind already but I wasn’t going to be the first to suggest it to him.

DBM: Were you open to it?

Unathi: Yes

DBM: ‘Yes’ because you actually wanted to try bottoming or it was the cleanest avenue to do it in order to finally say ‘no’?

Unathi: I loved him so much, I wanted to try to become verse. He was willing to do same for me because he cared about me. But I wanted to top him so bad, I flipped a coin thinking heads would surface in my favor, only for me to be the first to bottom.

DBM: Lol!

Unathi: But he was slow and gentle. He lubed me up well, while he teased, fingered and sucked me to get me in the mood. I was by this time so horny; he entered and made me whole. That was one of my best orgasms ever. It was jol all day-all-night. Since then, we’ve been taking turns during sex.

DBM: Have you ever cheated on your husband?

Unathi: No

DBM: Has he ever cheated on you?

Unathi: Not that I know of, no!

DBM: What’s one way you think you’ve changed since you met your husband?

Unathi: I’ve become more aware and intentional, not just of my husband’s needs but those around me. I’m less stupid and scared or afraid to see what is in front of me in the present – so I don’t miss the hints and opportunities to them. I used to also fear disagreements but my husband has taught me how to face them head-on. In fact, whenever we quarrel and he’s even in the right, he is never interested in winning the argument but rather growing together from the experience with me. I’ve learned prioritizing harmony over proving a point.

DBM: That is strong. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

Unathi: Any time

DBM: 😊

Image Credit: Uriel Mont 

Let’s Talk To Xaiden

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 187: Xaiden

DBM: Hello Xaiden. How would you describe yourself?

Xaiden: Husband and dad

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Xaiden: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Xaiden: I am in love with my wife but I feel my wife only loves the fact that I love her. I seriously think my wife only loves my love for her but not me. Am I making sense to you? The woman is not in love with me as a person. She just likes how my love for her makes her feel.

DBM: How does your love make her feel?

Xaiden: How do I even explain this: I treat my wife better than my mother, children, siblings, friends, other women. My wife is my first priority. She knows I factor her in every decision I make. I tell her every day, how much I think of her. I check on my wife everyday when I am not home; I anticipate her every need. I do not talk down at her; I notice her dressing and compliment her beauty. She knows she’s secure with me. I keep her safe and comfortable.

DBM: You sound like a responsible man. Her heart seems to be in good hands

Xaiden: That is what I am trying to say, she knows all this and likes it but she is not interested in me as a person.

DBM: Who fell in love first in your relationship?

Xaiden: I did. I committed faster than she did

DBM: So, she did commit to you at a point?

Xaiden: I don’t know. Meanwhile, in the past when I wasn’t so serious about relationships and girls, they chased me and would go all crazy about me. Now that I have chosen to invest my heart and energy in my marriage and relationship, she’s rather losing interest.

DBM: Has she verbalized her loss of interest in you?

Xaiden: No, but I feel it

DBM: Okay! Your feelings are valid. You know her best

Xaiden: I do

DBM: How long have you been married?

Xaiden: 10 years

DBM: Do you at least, see any hope for your future together?

Xaiden: She might tag along for our children’s sake and the comfortable living I’m providing for the family. But she will not love me back.

DBM: Because …

Xaiden: I’m probably not the type she goes for.

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Xaiden: I’m pained bruh!

DBM: I’m very sorry about that

Xaiden: Hmmm!

DBM: What’s your attitude towards everything that’s going on?

Xaiden: I’ve been toying with a couple of ideas from my friends. I am considering going back to the dating pool.

DBM: As a single or married man?

Xaiden: Lol!

DBM: I believe your friends care about you, and their advice, no doubt, is well-intended but I think it’s a bit misguided.

Xaiden: Hmmm!

DBM: Will it make you stop yourself from still loving your wife?

Xaiden: I don’t know

DBM: I’d want to believe you are a good man, and I respect men like you. It’s a bittersweet experience to love and not be loved back but it is also an expression of your humanity as a whole. It’s a good thing to love your partner, so embrace it. Unreturned, though it may be, it needs not upset or hurt your feelings.

Xaiden: Easier said than done!

DBM: Not really! You cannot help but love your wife, and that’s also okay.

Xaiden: I feel like I am just wasting my time being with her.

DBM: Has she wronged you or the marriage, aside these observations?

Xaiden: No!

DBM: Almost six years of committing to and loving one person has thought me that, we cannot always make sense out of love. Love will not always be rational to us, thus, my reason for not expecting it to make sense to me all the time. In-as-much-as it will not always be the best of choice to make, it will be something we do because it does not just happen to us. Your wife may not be that much into you, but your love and respect for her, reveals in you, the man that you are.

Xaiden: She’s often tired when we make plans to have sex. Sex isn’t that frequent between us

DBM: Put the ball in her court for choosing the days she’d be less stressed to make time for you in the bedroom. If she cares about your needs as much as you say you do for her, she will make time.

Xaiden: My love language is physical touch. It’s not always about the sex. I feel loved when I am randomly hugging or touching or kissing. She’s not so open to that with me but she’s cool with her friends hugging and touching and giving pecks in the open.

DBM: Again, let her decide her level of intimacy when it comes to you. For now, back off a bit with your pressure. She knows who are. Continue being open and relaxed. She might, in time, start craving for your attention and willingly would mirror how your love makes her feel.

Xaiden: Another observation is that, she only pretends she loves me when she needs something. She acts lovey-dovey and would initiate sex when it’s convenient and never when I want her to.

DBM: I’m glad you’ve taken notice of all these hints. Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to hurt the feelings of those who have been good to us, with the truth. And so, we’d rather avoid the awkwardness of an actual conversation. Do not force someone who does not love you to love you.

Xaiden: Thank you, boss

DBM: Participant 186, Ame, left a question for you: ‘Why is the divorce rate so alarming lately and are we too “woke” as a generation to curb this menace?’

Xaiden: I think it’s because both men and women now have increased options. I got married because I felt I was supposed to, as man, but I am realizing I would have been way happier in a regular partnership, or relationship, and not necessarily in a marriage. I will be open to a divorce if my wife wants to.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Xaiden: x2x +19=16x

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Calvin Cowakces

Let’s Talk To Ame – Part II

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 186: It’s Ame again!!! 😂

DBM: Hi Ame. How would you describe yourself?

Ame: Hmmm! That is a rather interesting one: a woman who is in love and being loved on and has found her forever home.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ame: Now, I am hitting 100/10. Mehnnn!

DBM: Eish! Lol! What do you want to talk about?

Ame: I sincerely don’t have anything pressing to talk about: I have just met someone so amazing and I literally can’t share it with anyone close to me so I will rather share it with you and your followers. I just can’t keep calm about this man and all the emotions I am feeling.

DBM: Awww! How old is this guy, if I may ask?

Ame: He is in his late 40s.

DBM: Is he in the age bracket you prefer?

Ame: Yes, he sure is!

DBM: I am interested in knowing more about him, but let me ask a few personal, leading questions to guide me to him. I know many breakups are due to differing life visions. My first question is this: what is your vision, and does it complement his – to the best of your knowledge?

Ame: My vision for me after everything I have been through is to just live life, get a companion who understands me and see where life will take us. Marriage was never part of my plans because I feel one is enough. However, meeting him and listening to his vision and goals have changed a lot of things for me! Aside the fact that I am willing to try marriage with him again (bear in mind that this decision was not coerced but a natural consequence of our relationship), everything else ties in well with what I need for myself and what he also needs. We are like two peas in a pod and so alike eh, it seems we are one person in opposite bodies.

DBM: Is marriage for you? Or just being in a committed relationship is enough?

Ame: Initially, being in a committed relationship was more than enough but now… I can’t help the feeling of being in more than a committed relationship!

DBM: What would your friends say is your best quality?

Ame: My ability to love wholeheartedly and give my all to the one I love. I don’t play games with my love!

DBM: What is the most important thing to you in the world?

Ame: Aside my children, my goals and aspirations for my future and their future as well!

DBM: Would you say you have fallen in love?

Ame: Fallen k3… More than fallen oooo! I am even drowning in it!

DBM: Hehehehe! What do you want out of this relationship?

Ame: Apart from bearing his beautiful name and blending our families, I need, not want, I need for us to enjoy a beautiful happy life filled with the goodness of God and all good things that our association will bring to our lives. I need this relationship to be an epitome of what it means to have a second chance at love and to also serve as a reminder to those who think all is done that… God has not even started with you yet!

DBM: What is/are the most important quality/ies you found attractive in him?

Ame: Awwww! Let me just mention the basic ones because if I start, I won’t finish. Do you know what it means when someone sees you?

DBM: Tell me!

Ame: This man sees me and I don’t even need to say anything to him before it gets done. He is so calculated and thoughtful with everything he does. His humility is everything! His kindness is second to none and his love for me is the kind that makes you ask yourself whether this is really happening for you. Above all, his love for God is everything! A man that loves God should be everyone’s goal in life! I am not talking about a churchgoer; I am talking about someone who will pray with you and pray for you. Someone who believes in prayers and urges you to be prayerful!

DBM: How would you describe your heart? Is it open, partially closed, fearful or untrusting?

Ame: If I had locks and walls up, now they are open and broken down. You can’t have this person and not give your all!

DBM: Love looks and feels differently to different people. What does real love look like to you?

Ame: Real love cares about the other person and not self; real love is hard work and it is not a given; real love is service to the other person even when you are mad at each other.

DBM: How did you meet?

Ame: Hmmmm! It is a very interesting story for another day. However, we have been acquaintances for about 2 years now until one day, he sent me a random message on a status I made and that changed everything! 😊

DBM: What is the one thing about him that scares you?

Ame: His inability to say ‘No’ to people!

DBM: Explain

Ame: He is the type that will go to every length to make sure another person is comfortable. People, being people, naturally take that for granted.

DBM: Does he know and acknowledge this as a flaw?

Ame: He does and he is trying so hard to change that narrative… So far, there is steady progress and I am happy about that!

DBM: How did he officially ask you to be his girlfriend? I love proposal stories 🥰

Ame: Hehehehe! I guess I need to wait a while for that to happen. That has not officially happened yet… But he knows how important that singular act is to me!

DBM: He has not proposed?

Ame: No, he has not!

DBM: I see. Do you think love should always feel comfortable, or love ought to feel new and exciting?

Ame: Love is a journey that is not always smooth: from the beginning, it must feel comfortable, it must feel new and it must feel exciting. If a relationship, from the onset, does not share any of these qualities, you have no business pursuing it. But the hard work comes in as it progresses: challenges will come but how you handle it determines whether you will survive or not! If you know this, you will forever have peace. We have set out certain rules for how our relationship should go: foremost, you don’t go to bed mad at each other. If there is something you are unhappy about, voice it, let’s discuss and let go!

If you prefer to remain mad at the person a day after, that is your prerogative and you are entitled to it but don’t let it ruin a good day! Also, apologize when you are wrong and don’t try to defend it, no matter how tangible of an excuse you think you have. It eases anger quickly and helps you heal! So far, these have been working wonders for us! I don’t believe this comes with age but a decision to act maturely.

DBM: What makes you fall out of love?

Ame: Being taken for granted, being lied to and going days without checking up on me, especially when I have reached out and you promised to get back only for it to take you a week or more to do that! It just tells me I am not a priority…

DBM: Do you think knowing whether or not what you feel is love is dependent on how long you’ve known your guy?

Ame: Nope, not at all! If that is the case, the adage “Love at first sight” would not exist. 😂 Sometimes, the heart just knows what it wants and won’t lose any time when if finds it.

DBM: Agreed! Was it love at first sight with him?

Ame: Nope! Not at all! As stated earlier, we have been acquaintances for close to 2 years.

DBM: How long do you think it took before you knew you loved him?

Ame: It didn’t take 72hrs after we actually had a day conversation for me to realize that he can be the chosen one.

DBM: If you love someone, is cheating/unfaithfulness something that can be forgiven?

Ame: Very interesting question: I believe this actually depends on the person. There is not one-fit-all under such circumstances. Someone might forgive a cheating partner because he/she is thinking about other factors but some might never forgive. However, one thing that cheating does is that, even when you forgive, the betrayal changes the relationship in one way or the other. It taints the relationship and it is never the same again.

DBM: As a follow-up, would it be ‘forgive and forget’, ‘forgive but do not forget’, or ‘do not forgive at all’?

Ame: Anyone who does forgive and forget is a Saint! I know I can’t do that! I think I am more of a forgive but don’t forget kind of person and the one who does not forgive at all might as well end the relationship! 😂

DBM: Do you believe love changes people?

Ame: Oh yes, you should see me now! All the things I said I will not do because I did them for someone’s son and it took me nowhere, I am here nurturing a man all over again.

DBM: Lol!

Ame: On a more serious note, it makes you want to be a better person for your partner and if that person supports you, then you are on a path to becoming a better version of you!

DBM: Do you think people should change themselves to find love?

Ame: Hell to the no! How would you meet someone that genuinely loves you if you don’t present yourself. Well, many might want to change who they are to find love but I can never. Even when retuning to earth, naked you came, naked you will go, from dust to dust, my brother.

DBM: Participant 185, Plumb, left a question for you: ‘Will you fight for a relationship that you know is worth fighting for? Why?’

Ame: The key word is worth fighting for: I will gladly fight for that relationship with every fiber of my being but if I realize that the other person wants none of it, then I will let go. Remember, you both need to find it worthy to fight for!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Ame: Why is the divorce rate so alarming lately and are we too “woke” as a generation to curb this menace?

DBM: Thank you!

Ame: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Rdne

Let’s Talk To Sabrina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 183: Sabrina

DBM: Hello Sabrina. How would you describe yourself?

Sabrina: Highly organized with a strong work ethic.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sabrina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sabrina: I’ve been proposed to be married. I’ve said yes to him but a part of me isn’t sure whether I’m making the right decision. He’s a great guy but does not earn enough money. He has a bit of savings but he will be incapable of being a good provider. I make slightly more than him but even with that, I doubt we can support a family should we have a baby.

DBM: Is he financially responsible in character?

Sabrina: He is to the best of my knowledge. He supports his parents and little sister. A lot is going on with him. I know myself, and I feel like I may end up being unhappy in the future with him as my husband. The kind of life I want for my future wouldn’t fit into his plans.

DBM: What kind of life do you want for your future?

Sabrina: Let me tell you what I don’t want; I don’t want to end up like my mother and father. Ma was ignorant about money management, and left money matters to my dad after they married. My dad wasn’t skillful in the same and this resulted in unplanned life goals and investments in wrong ventures which austerely affected our family. The man I am about to marry doesn’t believe he’s anything like my parents, but I think he is.

DBM: You said he’s responsible with money, no?

Sabrina: To some extent. I mean, he doesn’t waste money buying designer stuff. He doesn’t spend on me because he thinks he has to save for our future. Every Cedi counts in his books.

DBM: He doesn’t spend on you?

Sabrina: Nope

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Sabrina: Three and a half years

DBM: And, he does not spend on you?

Sabrina: I can remember the last time he bought me something

DBM: When?

Sabrina: April, 2022

DBM: What did he get for you?

Sabrina: KFC. Even with that, I had to top up with a Ghs 100 because he didn’t have enough money on his mobile money that day.

DBM: Do you spend on him?

Sabrina: I used to but had to stop

DBM: Why?

Sabrina: He takes minor loans from me, and it takes him forever to sometimes pay back.

DBM: How do you feel about him in general?

Sabrina: I love him. He makes me laugh but I fear I may end up resenting him because he wouldn’t be capable of supporting us in a marriage.

DBM: How old are you?

Sabrina: 34

DBM: How old is he?

Sabrina: 38

DBM: Before I decided to settle down in marriage, I had to come to terms with the fact that, my marriage may be about accepting certain things in my partner that I didn’t necessarily love. My partner, on the other hand also had to learn how to tolerate what career women like yourself deal with on a daily basis: loving a husband who is not wealthy enough to tick all the boxes on your list.

Sabrina: It’s not easy. Hmmm!

DBM: When it comes to love and marriage, there really are no guarantees. And the grass isn’t always that greener.

Sabrina: I don’t want to suffer

DBM: You don’t have to suffer.

Sabrina: Hmmm!

DBM: In-as-much-as I’m all for ‘living your very best life’, I hold dear to love.

Sabrina: I love love too, Dave. But is love enough?

DBM: If he was making more money and had refused to spend on you, then I would have an issue. But here is the case he genuinely does not have. You can choose to learn how to enjoy him and the relationship if you want to. Life and love can be cheap, yet memorable, depending on what is important to you. I’m creating enjoyable memories with my choice of a partner and marriage.

Sabrina: I’m a bit conflicted

DBM: You need to understand though, that most men, naturally are givers. If a man genuinely is that much into you, he does not find it hard to go out of his way to please the love of his heart, however little. We spend on where our heart is.

Sabrina: You don’t think he loves me?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. Do you think he loves you?

Sabrina: I don’t know. He doesn’t spend on me at all.

DBM: Yeah! That’s a flag for me. I do not measure love by how much money one is able to give to another. I’m not a rich guy but I make the effort to make my partner feel wanted and comfortable. And comfort does not come about without spending an amount here or there.

Sabrina: I agree. I don’t think he loves me as much as he says he does

DBM: Talk to him about your concerns

Sabrina: I don’t have to. It’s not going to work between us.

DBM: I don’t think he’s stingy. He does not love you that much. That would be my biggest guess.

Sabrina: Because he’s been living on a budget with me for so long in our relationship.

DBM: And marriage will only enhance it to an unbearable magnitude. Love should not be brewed behind closed doors, all in the name of ‘he’s saving for our future’. You may end up not being a part of the said future. I’ve seen it happen to many women.

Sabrina: Thank you, David. You’ve been of great help.

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 182, Zuhrah, left a question for you: ‘I am pregnant for a married man. Do I have to inform him about my decision to get an abortion? NB: I am not ready to be a mother. I do not want this pregnancy.’

Sabrina: See a doctor, flush the baby out and leave the relationship.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Sabrina: Why did your relationship with your ex not work out?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Andres Ayrton

Let’s Talk To Ame

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 181: Ame

DBM: Hello Ame. How would you describe yourself?

Ame: I am a bubbly, friendly, outgoing, smart, adaptable and an interesting person.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ame: 15/10

DBM: Eish! 😁 First of its kind

Ame: 🤣. I can actually explain why though. I don’t let things out of my control take away from me.

DBM: That makes sense

Ame: It is not that I don’t have problems: I have a mountain load that when some hear, they wonder how I sail through with a smile.

DBM: Anyways, what do you want to talk about?

Ame: I want to see if I am the only weird one: why am I friends with literally 95% of my exes?

DBM: Lol! As in, you feel like your authentic self around them?

Ame: As in, although we don’t talk frequently, we chat as friends would anytime. Even the one with the most annoying and hurtful breakup tends to be someone I can talk and laugh with. And even tease…

DBM: Interesting. You mind me asking how many exes you have?

Ame: I am feeling lazy but I guess I should have about 8. From when I was in secondary school till date. Might be more though 😁😅😂

DBM: Why did it not work out with Ex number 1?

Ame: With ex 1, he started another relationship with a girl in our neighborhood: I allowed them be anyways.

DBM: Oh boy! Why did your relationship with Ex 2 break up?

Ame: 😂 I think with ex two, his cousin impregnated my cousin and he denied it. I blasted both of them because he was supporting his cousin, knowing very well he was lying and… that was it! His cousin took responsibility for it though but I was done!

DBM: Hmmm! When did things start turning south between you and Ex 3?

Ame: Ex 3!!! Hmmmm! We met in Uni and I didn’t know he had a girlfriend at home whilst we were on campus till a friend of his shared the info with me! That was the end of another era…

DBM: I see. How about Ex 4?

Ame: Lol. Do I need to recount for all these? Lol

DBM: Not really! I just need information about the relationships so I can understand why you can be good friends and nice towards them.

Ame: You are taking me down memory lane. With ex 4, we dated in Uni for close to a year till he dropped a bombshell that he was no longer interested. We took a walk on that day to the beach. Years later, this boy told me he thought I was going to kill him on that day. I still can’t believe he thought I was capable of that! 😂🤣

DBM: Lol! 😂 Funny! Let’s jump to Ex 8

Ame: Why are you jumping? Go easy! Lol

DBM: Hehehehe

Ame: Anyway, let me check on who 8 is first. I am coming

DBM: Alright! Lol! 😊

Ame: Can I just do 6 and skip 5

DBM: My ears sweet me. Ex 6 then

Ame: 6 is who I will call my soulmate! Damn, my back and forth with this guy is like a pendulum. It is that kind of love that draws you in anytime but… We are bad for each other. Basically, how I can describe it.

DBM: What is the one thing that you feel you could’ve done differently with E-6?

Ame: This is a very … question. There was absolutely nothing to do differently when it comes to him. Nothing would have worked.

DBM: Okay!

Ame: Yhup!

DBM: We are not talking about Ex 5, but I would like to know whether or not you miss your relationship with him at all?

Ame: Not at all! I sometimes wonder if we even shared good times together because when I try, nothing pops up! Don’t know if I was the terrible one or he was? 😂

DBM: 😊

Ame: Yhup!

DBM: Do you believe in love?

Ame: Oh yes, I do! But lately, I want to believe that love alone is not enough. I have operated on just love for so long and been hurt in the end.

DBM: What makes enough?

Ame: Mutual respect, understanding, and money! 😂

DBM: Hehehehe! Money, I hear is vitamins D

Ame: I swear. It is more than Vitamin D. It is all the vitamins in one.

DBM: 😁

Ame: And can just cure anything: stress, slight headache, frustration: you name it!

DBM: Are you single, dating or married?

Ame: Almost hooked at the moment… That is if he proves to be correct: so far, I have no complains.

DBM: Great! How important is friendship or being on good terms with people to you?

Ame: Very very important: I have always held the belief that “human currency” is very important. You sincerely don’t know when you will need anyone’s help in the future so try as much as you can to be on good terms with all. They don’t necessarily have to be your friends; they must just know that this girl is a good person. That way, on any day of reckoning when you need help, they will support you.

DBM: I concur. Do your exes relate to you in the same manner your energy rubs off them?

Ame: I guess it is my energy that rubs off on them. If I don’t give them the opportunity, I am sure this cordiality will not be. I create the atmosphere for them to feel at ease with me despite how things ended. To me, life is too short for us to hold grudges.

DBM: Indeed! Did you ever see a long-term future with any of them?

Ame: Oh yes, number 5 that we skipped. But I guess it was not meant to be! Life goes on.

DBM: Can you proudly say you have forgiven them?

Ame: Oh yes, I have! Completely. It even shocks me because number 5 really does not deserve the forgiveness… But eh, I don’t want people living rent free in my head.

DBM: You seem kind. Per your experiences with men, what would you tell any man reading this – about their intentions and actions when dealing with women they’re pursuing?

Ame: Don’t awaken a woman’s love if you are not ready for it! If it is sex that you want, just let the woman know and if she wants that too, why not? Don’t do all the running around, pretending you are someone that you are not, just to get some coochie.

DBM: Hmmm! Talk to the young lady reading our conversation about herself and men (per your understanding of them)

Ame: Lol. You want people to come for me?

DBM: I believe we all can impact others with our experiences

Ame: Anyway, I have realized that humans in this generation, both men and women, are not to be trusted. Should you meet anyone, don’t fall in love completely and don’t give your 100 to any man, esp. if they are not doing that for you. Give them the exact same energy they give you! You give your all at your in risk.

DBM: Very well said. You mentioned kinda, dating someone now. Assuming it all works out well for your good, do you think an old flame can burn so hot – to awaken your senses all over again?

Ame: I would have answered in the affirmative some years ago but I don’t see that happening now. There is no chance in hell…

DBM: And assuming your current relationship works out, do you think the flame can burn to awaken your senses?

Ame: It might! I am actually looking forward to that happening. But we are going in with lessons learnt.

DBM: I see. Participant 180, Nessa, left a question for you: ‘Do you believe in spiritual marriage? The belief that some individuals have marital partners in the spirit world, which may present challenges when seeking earthly marriage partners.’

Ame: If you believe in God, then you most certainly must believe in the existence of the spiritual realm. I believe some spiritual marriages are meant to either destroy someone or to provide the opposite. Just pray you don’t encounter anyone with any of these marriages.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.

Ame: What would you have done differently in your life with the right support?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: RDNE

Let’s Talk To Louis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 166:  Louis, my brother

DBM: Hi Louis. How would you describe yourself?

Louis: Not complicated, not hard to understand

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Louis: 5.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Louis: I’m tempted to cheat on my wife

DBM: How long have you been married?

Louis: 14 years

DBM: Why do you feel like cheating on your wife?

Louis: My hormones are controlling this version of me, I think

DBM: What are your hormones seeking exactly?

Louis: More fun, more sex. I think I need a short break from the routine of my busy life

DBM: How busy are you in life?

Louis: So much going on lately

DBM: Like?

Louis: I don’t want to talk about it

DBM: Is sex lacking at home?

Louis: Not really

DBM: Is wifey a boring person?

Louis: Nah!

DBM: So, what is it then?

Louis: I feel like I need my batteries charged with a connection more available to me and my sexual needs

DBM: How would you rate your sex life with your wife?

Louis: Now?

DBM: Yeah

Louis: 55 to 60-ish %

DBM: I see

Louis: Also, I don’t want to stress her. Too much on her plate

DBM: Too much as in?

Louis: The children, her work, her dad, she’s also in school, etc.

DBM: What’s wrong with her father?

Louis: He’s sick

DBM: How old are your children?

Louis: 12, 10 and 7 years

DBM: How does your wife make you feel?

Louis: Make me feel, like how?

DBM: Tell me something about your wife

Louis: She’s self-sufficient, very independent, a great person, and a very hardworking woman. I feel desired by her. She makes me feel like I am the greatest man, and capable of anything

DBM: Are you capable of loving her?

Louis: Of course, I love my wife

DBM: How much?

Louis: Lol! I love her

DBM: Do you feel like you have lost your place in the marriage because she’s independent and self-sufficient?

Louis: Nothing like that

DBM: So, you feel useful in the marriage?

Louis: I do

DBM: How about your use and purpose in the marriage

Louis: I’m still the man and head of our home

DBM: In other words, you do not feel lost in where your place is, in the marriage?

Louis: I am able to fulfill my responsibilities as a man, husband and father

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Louis: I am

DBM: She pleases you sexually?

Louis: Yes

DBM: You get pleasure from being with her?

Louis: Yes

DBM: Are you miserable in the marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: Are you in an unhappy marriage?

Louis: No

DBM: There is happiness at home?

Louis: We’re happy together, yes.

DBM: She takes very good care of you?

Louis: She does

DBM: Do you feel admired in your marriage?

Louis: My wife finds me attractive. She’s proud of me

DBM: Does she take your need for sex seriously?

Louis: She tries her very best

DBM: And is her ‘very best’ good enough for you?

Louis: It could be better, but at the moment, manageable. Are you married?

DBM: I’ve done five years loving and committing to someone, and each year has presented us different versions of ourselves that challenged our purpose

Louis: I didn’t know that. I thought you were single

DBM: I am not. I don’t discuss my personal relationship

Louis: Have you faced similar temptation?

DBM: I’ve been attracted to someone else before

Louis: And?

DBM: I drew nearer to the temptation to talk.

Louis: Just to talk?

DBM: The knowing you, knowing me process

Louis: I’m doing that too with the other woman

DBM: I see

Louis: And?

DBM: Mine could have been something equally beautiful – if I had pursued it

Louis: But…

DBM: I developed a taste bud for fine wine, and came to the realization that, even as a novice in wine tasting, I could tell the difference between an old and a new wine by the excitements each presented to me.

Louis: I love wine

DBM: Good. An aged wine has a pleasing flavor to it. Your wife of 14 years isn’t the same young lady you met and married 14 years ago

Louis: No, she’s not

DBM: You have at home, a woman who has grown strong with you, throughout the different seasons of your 14 years together, holding you, the children, the family and marriage down, no?

Louis: Yes

DBM: I came to the realization that; I’d rather have and value love that has grown strong.

Louis: Hmmm! Like fine wine

DBM: How long have you been engaging the other lady?

Louis: Almost three months

DBM: What’s your favorite fruit?

Louis: Apple

DBM: In what world do you compare a three months old apple juice to a 14 year old wine?

Louis: Yeah…

DBM: Does it even make sense to you? Just like the roots of any tree, its dense root are the masterstrokes to its endurance and potential to thrive. Question is, which of these new temptations catching your attention has done 14 years of YOU, three kids, and managing your household to build a family?

Louis: Point well noted

DBM: You have something that grows strong at home, Louis, and she’s your wife

Louis: I know

DBM: You may not need your wife to meet your horny moments. You do not need your wife to survive; she does not need you to survive either. In fact, no woman does. But for your marriage to survive, you need your wife.

Louis: Yes. My wife is not perfect, but she’s good

DBM: Try to love this new version of your wife that you’re currently staying with

Louis: I will try

DBM: That’s the least you can do. Find each other in this new phase of your marriage. Some of us are intentional on doing that

Louis: I need to say though, that a few things aren’t working to make our marriage as I want it

DBM: You can choose to divorce yourself from the version of your marriage that isn’t working for you now, and learn to adapt to the new phase it’s taking. Remember good wine, over the course of years undergoes a series of complicated changes that impact its aroma, flavors, and colors. And these changes elevate the wine to new heights, while revealing its entirely new character.

Louis: Yes

DBM: Good wine prepares the heart for love. And I know for a fact, the longer the wine is left to ferment, after being transferred to the oak barrel or glass jugs, the finer the wine tastes. What does your wife taste like today?

Louis: Nutritious

DBM: Your marriage can have the potential to grow into a deep, fruitful love, and the roots of your love can also grow stronger over time

Louis: Yes

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Louis: What are you most proud of about yourself?

DBM: Thank you!

Louis: It was nice talking to you

 

Image Credit: Rachel Claire

Let’s Talk To TP

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 163: Toothpick

DBM: Hello TP. How would you describe yourself?

TP: Always horny

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

TP: 4 right now

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

TP: One of my directors at work is my taste. I am invited to his office a lot for work discussions. I have been tempted more than a dozen times to touch his thigh, and then, assuming he doesn’t get offended, move my hand up to feel his hard dick.

DBM: You love Vitamin D that much?

TP: Lol! If the size is satisfying, I become very happy during sex. Good sex enhances my beauty

DBM: Describe satisfying

TP: Very thick and somewhat within 8.5 to 9 inches in length, with girth. Sex becomes intense with the proper vitamins D

DBM: Is this guy you’re telling me about, single?

TP: 50/50

DBM: Meaning?

TP: He is in the process of divorcing his wife

DBM: That is what he’s told you?

TP: Yes

DBM: Are you single?

TP: I am married. Dave, I desire my husband, don’t get me wrong. Our sex life is ‘ok’, and I believe that is what has turned into feeling more desired myself.

DBM: ‘Okay’ meaning what?

TP: In as much as it’s good, it gets boring at times. Sometimes, very stale or monotonous

DBM: Is this the first guy you have felt this way towards, outside of your marriage?

TP: No!

DBM: I see

TP: Some of these dudes out there are foine

DBM: Is your husband foine?

TP: He’s alright. Manageable

DBM: Describe your relationship with your husband to me

TP: Things aren’t perfect, but who’s complaining!

DBM: What do you think is missing, or could be going wrong from your perspective?

TP: About my marriage?

DBM: Yeah!

TP: My marriage is fine. I’m just beginning to find other men attractive

DBM: When did this sudden, random attraction start?

TP: When I found out my husband had been in a few affairs with other women

DBM: How long ago?

TP: Three years into the marriage

DBM: So, it’s your husband’s fault that you’re starting to also cheat?

TP: No

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband yet?

TP: Not yet

DBM: Do you want to?

TP: Yes

DBM: Because he showed you how to?

TP: Because I am realizing I am also a hot cake, and can fool around

DBM: How long have you been married?

TP: I prefer not to say

DBM: Why did you get married?

TP: Honest to God?

DBM: Let’s be real

TP: I married because all my friends were getting married and having children. I needed a man so bad that, when I met my husband, though it was partially clear to me he wasn’t ready to get married, I chose to block out all the little red flags he showed me – so he could choose me.

DBM: Red flags like?

TP: I wasn’t his only woman

DBM: So, you chose to be delusional?

TP: I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt

DBM: Did you trust him?

TP: I made a decision to trust and believe the best in him

DBM: That’s fair.

TP: I thought he could change

DBM: For you?

TP: Yeah!

DBM: Because you are the right woman for him?

TP: I could have

DBM: Nothing will change a man who fools women. No-thing!

TP: Hmmm!

DBM: I know a number of married men who want to leave their marriages but are not willing to end it. And so, they start engaging in a bunch of foolish behaviors that they know would piss their wives off. They’re intentional about these acts because they are trying to get their spouses to rather make that move. This enables them to play the victim card because their wives would be the ones wanting to leave. Is that what you think your husband could be up to?

TP: I don’t think he wants to leave me

DBM: Does he love you?

TP: Yes

DBM: How do you know?

TP: He tells me

DBM: Words mean nothing, really! What does his actions tell you?

TP: That he’s bullshitting me

DBM: The people we settle in marriages with do not necessarily have to love us. It’s not by-force, especially if they’re still unsure of the future of their decision. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.

TP: Hmmm! I’m not sure how to carry these wandering feelings

DBM: Are you happy with your partner?

TP: I am happy when he makes me a priority but I am not sure how he feels when he’s home with me

DBM: If a man is happy with you, he will not give much thought to all those other beautiful women on his path. He wouldn’t even flirt with them.

TP: And, if he’s unhappy?

DBM: Just as you’re doing, you suddenly notice all the attractive men you work with, and may even consider pursuing them.

TP: Dave, I have to go now

DBM: Wait! Before you leave, participant 162, Shaan, left a question for you: ‘Has life presented you with a challenge that has left you just hanging on?’

TP: I fell in love with my husband, thinking the passion and excitement could last forever. Now, the intensity of it has faded over time

DBM: Falling out of love should not mean you can’t care about each other

TP: Hmmm!

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

TP: What is your understanding of Hebrews 13:4?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Julia Larson

Let’s Talk To Price

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 156: Price

DBM: Hi Price. How would you describe yourself?

Price: I am where I am meant to be in life, and with the one I am meant to be with

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Price: I would say, 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Price: I want to talk about Mercy

DBM: Who is Mercy?

Price: My beautiful wife

DBM: That’s nice to know

Price: She’s been the perfect helper for me all these years

DBM: How long have you two been married?

Price: We are in our 25th year this year

DBM: Congratulations!

Price: Thank you!

DBM: What makes Mercy stand out and not blend in?

Price: My wife is very capable. She’s smart, loyal to a fault; a strong woman, merry and genuine with her actions towards me

DBM: How did you meet?

Price: She used to sell close to my former workplace and I used to buy from her

DBM: What was she selling?

Price: Kenkey and fish

DBM: Ga or Fante kenkey?

Price:  Kɔmi

DBM: I see

Price: Yeah

DBM: At what point did you know you were in love with her?

Price: I knew for the first time, the day I heard some of my colleagues at work discussing her

DBM: Discussing her in what manner?

Price: One wanted to pursue and just have sex with her

DBM: And, what was going through your mind after hearing this?

Price: I thought she didn’t deserve to be played

DBM: What made you any different from the other guy?

Price: I was interested in investing in her business

DBM: Why?

Price: Because she made good kenkey, and her shito was really good

DBM: It was business for you then, no?

Price: Business with a certain level of interest

DBM: Did you ever tell her the kenkey and shito were that good?

Price: I did, and so did everyone

DBM: When was the second time you knew you were that much into her?

Price: When I would go to her house to help her prepare the aflata.

DBM: What is ‘aflata’?

Price: It’s the fermented dough cooked with water. I would help her add it to the uncooked dough, before forming it into balls and steamed.

DBM: You knew how to make kenkey prior to meeting her?

Price: No! She taught me the process and I ended up practicing with her. I was the one also putting the corn husks in the bowl of warm water to soften, until they were pliable. I learnt a lot from her.

DBM: What else did you learn from her, aside the kenkey preparation?

Price: A lot. They weren’t direct lessons though. For example, I learned how to thrive in the workforce from her work ethic. I also got to understand that, in as much as she wanted a husband who had earning power, she wasn’t looking for a man to be the sole provider. I got to appreciate her ability to accept a man for who he is. In fact, prior to dating, we had become really good friends and had mutual circle of friends. She was, and still is attracted to smart men because education is important to her. She has a masters degree. She had a bachelors in Marketing when she used to sell kenkey.

DBM: Interesting

Price: Yeah!

DBM: Why do you think she liked you?

Price: I think she knew I was the real deal

DBM: Meaning?

Price: I had her best interest at heart. She knew I cared about her and was willing to help and support her the best way I could. She knew my work wasn’t as important to me as building a home and family. Emotionally, we were both mature; she knew she could count on me. I am trustworthy and good looking. Lol!

DBM: Smh!

Price: It’s the truth, Dave. I’m fine as hell. But on a more serious note, I was attracted to her positive energy and I loved her kind heart. Mercy is hands down, the sweetest, most loving and caring, hardworking woman I know. She is a great wife, excellent mother and my best friend.

DBM: What are some of the downs you’ve had to face in the marriage?

Price: I had one or two affairs, which I am not proud of. She caught me at a point, and separated from me. That was one of the difficult moments in our marriage.

DBM: Why did you cheat on her?

Price: She fell ill, and was bedridden for almost a year. I wasn’t getting any from her and so I thought it was okay to get it elsewhere.

DBM: Did you love whoever you were getting it from?

Price: It was strictly sex. My family is incredibly important to me

DBM: Okay!

Price: Another low was when one of our kids died

DBM: That could be the ultimate tragedy

Price: There is nothing more devastating. It takes a whole lot more than dedication to live through such a loss

DBM: There are no words

Price: Hmmm!

DBM: How did Mercy get over the news of your affair?

Price: My wife, first and foremost, is a forgiving person. She’s still not healed totally from my betrayal and I doubt there is any guarantee she’d be able to. I had to put a stop to it and was willing to completely, call it quits. There hasn’t been any form of communication or friendship between me and the other women. I had to go on my knees to apologize to my wife and children.

DBM: Children?

Price: I had to take responsibility and also let her feel my remorse through my children. I wasn’t willing to lose the woman I love. I had to even forfeit my rights to privacy. I made everything (phones, passwords, location, etc.) available to her perusal.

DBM: Participant 155, Jude, left a question for you: ‘What would you have done differently, if you were in my shoes?’

Price: If I were in Jude’s shoes, I would have stood by my wife’s decision. Dave, my wife makes me. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true. Mercy does complete me. Our wives are always the ones picking up the slack when we are or not around, and usually do this with all the support they know they can give to make things alright.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Price: Do you have the courage to be lonely?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Austin J. Best 

Let’s Talk To Forrest

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 151: Forrest

DBM: Hello Forrest. How would you describe yourself?

Forrest: I’m in need of a distraction of a sort from the pressure that comes with being a husband. I want what I want out there, but with the security of a wife still intact at home.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Forrest: I’m a 6 now

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Forrest: My wife traveled to go further her education. It’s a decision we both agreed on. It’s also been her desire to pursue higher education. But most importantly, I did not want to come across as a control freak, regulating my wife in what she can or cannot do. I want to be the best husband possible when it comes to encouraging the mother of my children to achieve her dreams.

DBM: That’s commendable. Marriage, under no circumstance should oppress anyone, especially, women from sustaining that momentum in their lives. I think it is the responsibility of every married man to help guide their wife’s focus, when it comes to their academic pursuit.

Forrest: I want the best for my wife

DBM: Exactly! So, give her enough room to manage the aspirations she can measure, and also, pursue the choice she decides on

Forrest: She’s back from the study and I am very proud of her. The problem I am unable to deal with is, in her absence, one of her close friends used to come by with cooked meals and other forms of help to support me. At first, it was purely friendship and we both acknowledged it for what it was. But it grew into something else

DBM: Something else like what?

Forrest: An attraction

DBM: On your side or hers?

Forrest: Both sides

DBM: At the same time?

Forrest: I think so

DBM: Who was the first to draw the other’s attention to their feelings?

Forrest: I was

DBM: And, what did she say?

Forrest: She had been feeling it too.

DBM: Your wife knew about her bringing in food, etc.?

Forrest: She knew the first time she brought in foodstuff, but I stopped telling her when I realized I liked her friend.

DBM: Liked her in which capacity?

Forrest: I didn’t know then, to what extent

DBM: What else does your wife know about your engagements with her friend?

Forrest: Not much

DBM: Is she a single woman?

Forrest: No, she’s married

DBM: You know her husband?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: What else have you done with this woman?

Forrest: Hmmm! A lot

DBM: Have you kissed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Have you had sex?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: You’ve slept with her in your matrimonial bed?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How many times?

Forrest: A number of times

DBM: Has she any kids?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: How does she manage to come to your house if she has a family of her own?

Forrest: We were making time for it

DBM: Forgive me for asking these questions but I want to gain insight into your reasons for cheating

Forrest: I understand

DBM: Why did you cheat?

Forrest: Emotionally, I didn’t feel connected with my wife due to her absence

DBM: What is your definition of emotional connection?

Forrest: Physical affection and sex

DBM: Meaning, this is something you know of yourself?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: Your wife knows this too about you, no?

Forrest: Not really, though she knows I love sex

DBM: Prior to her absence, had there been any records of infidelity on your part?

Forrest: Once or twice

DBM: That she knew of?

Forrest: No

DBM: Were there underlying issues that might have contributed to all these?

Forrest: No, we have a good relationship

DBM: Was the affair with your wife’s friend purely physical or emotional?

Forrest: I’ve fallen in love with her

DBM: When did you realize this?

Forrest: Six to seven months after my wife had left the country

DBM: How long have you been married?

Forrest: Almost 10 years

DBM: Were you using protection with this woman?

Forrest: Not really

DBM: How about with the other ladies?

Forrest: Yes, but not always

DBM: Is there a reason why you are unable to talk to your wife about what is going on in your life?

Forrest: I don’t want to hurt her feelings

DBM: Will there come a time you believe you can be honest to your wife about your feelings for her friend, and maybe, try to explain your reasons why?

Forrest: I’m not sure

DBM: Do you feel what you’re doing is bad?

Forrest: I don’t know

DBM: Why don’t you know?

Forrest: It’s confusing

DBM: Are you a good man?

Forrest: I think I am

DBM: Is this woman also in love with you?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Forrest: We’ve decided to keep our distance, now that my wife is back

DBM: Till when?

Forrest: Till we can get over the feelings

DBM: So, you’re going to cut contact with her, all at once?

Forrest: No

DBM: Is this love, something you feel you deserved?

Forrest: Yes. It was good for me

DBM: Because it filled a vacuum?

Forrest: Not really. I think because it was different

DBM: Meaning, you could have still felt this way about her, whether or not your wife had traveled?

Forrest: Yes

DBM: You’re certain both of you have the correct expectations about your future?

Forrest: For now, yes. Ours respective families should come first.

DBM: Participant 150, Ozigbodi, left a question for you: ‘What has been on your heart or mind lately?’

Forrest: My wife. My marriage. My family, and my feelings for the other woman, and what it represents.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Forrest: How do you process the feelings of confusion or loss?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

 

Let’s Talk To Rhett

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 137: Rhett representing

DBM: Hello Rhett. How would you describe yourself?

Rhett: Determined, well groomed, not proud, work-out a lot and always wanting to get better

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rhett: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rhett: I’ve been out of work for the past two years. I’m still putting in lots of applications. I want to get married to my girlfriend this year but her dad disapproves of me because I am unemployed. My woman is the most special lady, and she completes me in every sense. She believes in me and has been patient with me. She also wants to get married but her dad isn’t being encouraging.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Rhett: Over two years

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Rhett: She’s an Administrative Assistant

DBM: How old are you?

Rhett: 35

DBM: How old is she?

Rhett: 28

DBM: Why do you want to get married now?

Rhett: Marriage wasn’t part of my plans. I was usually with girls for the fun and short-lived affairs. I was dating and sleeping around a lot because I am my own exit strategy, but my woman changed all that when I fell in love with her. I want to settle down and experience what love feels like

DBM: Why were you sleeping around?

Rhett: Dave, men aren’t valued the same on the sexual marketplace. I wasn’t stable because I needed to know the different feedbacks from the ladies

DBM: You want to marry because you’re in love; is that what you’re saying?

Rhett: Precisely

DBM: That is the only reason?

Rhett: Well, loneliness sucks. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. My cousin, at the age of 59 was single and had no children. When he fell critically ill, he had no one by his side. He died a lonely death. I don’t want that for me

DBM: What you shouldn’t want for you is settling down in marriage because you’re tired of being alone.

Rhett: I’m only keeping it real here

DBM: Are you a happy man when you’re on your own?

Rhett: Nah, that’s why I want to do the right thing by getting married to the one woman who makes me very happy

DBM: Do you make your woman happy?

Rhett: I do

DBM: How do you do that?

Rhett: We have a lot of fun together. We also talk a lot too

DBM: Do you see yourself being happy without your woman?

Rhett: No

DBM: So, your happiness right now is determined by your relationship with your lady, and not because you know and value own yourself?

Rhett: She brings the best in me

DBM: Okay!

Rhett: I was happy when I was wild those years, but I am my happiest right this moment because I’m loved

DBM: Let’s fast forward to you getting married while being unemployed, how do you intend contributing to running your household?

Rhett: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. I fear dragging her down into the financial quagmire that I may encounter if I don’t get myself a job.

DBM: A friend’s wife left him for another man because he couldn’t pull his weight financially at home. And, my friend wasn’t even unemployed, he had a job; he just wasn’t earning much

Rhett: My woman is not earning that much

DBM: And most women wouldn’t be that comfortable with their men living off their paycheck for the long term.

Rhett: I want to marry her because she’s nine weeks pregnant

DBM: I wish in your responses, you had rather said, you’d want to marry her because you love who she is as a person. And that, she makes you laugh a lot and also, shares in your interests, etc.

Rhett: Yeah, and all that

DBM: I’m concerned. You don’t have a steady job, there is a baby on the way and you want to get married… Love does not pay the bills

Rhett: You sound like my father-in-law

DBM: You don’t have a father-in-law, you have a girlfriend’s father

Rhett: Still close

DBM: Smh!

Rhett: But it can be depressing

DBM: I can only imagine

Rhett: She’s been patient and my support every step of the way.

DBM: I pray you find a job sooner than later, because it can be exhausting for the women. Especially now that there is a child on the way, I hope situations doesn’t end up forcing her to become the involuntary breadwinner, struggling so hard to care for everyone and everything else in your household with one lone paycheck.

Rhett: Men do it all the time, and are expected to be strong and not complain nor cry. We are expected to ‘shush’ and forever be in control. A woman can also choose to be her man’s savior when he needs her to be.

DBM: I concur, and some ladies are doing just that

Rhett: Yeah! I’m only worried about her father’s negative influence on her after finding out about my employment status

DBM: Does he know his daughter is expecting a baby?

Rhett: We were to inform them the day we visited but the man turned the entire conversation to unemployment. He ruined everything for me

DBM: Do you know why I kept asking if you were happy with yourself?

Rhett: Why?

DBM: Because if you genuinely were, a conversation around unemployment wouldn’t have negatively affected you that way.

Rhett: That’s because you’re not in my shoes

DBM: Can I try to put myself in your shoes and address you the way I would have me?

Rhett: You can try but it wouldn’t mean anything though

DBM: As a man, I can confidently say I am very happy with who I am now. I love my girlfriend; I love the fact that we have a baby on the way. I am excited about getting married to the woman who makes me so happy. I love my future in-laws, even though my father-in-law, on some level is fucked up. I may be unemployed now, but the celebration of my current state is part of my reality, my truth. I might be in denial to some people, but I have chosen to be a happy man, thus, celebrating how far I have come – even if my in-laws disapprove of me, and I keep being rejected, interview after job interview, and I’m furious most of the time because I feel stagnant. This is me, all this… all that.

Rhett: Hmmm! I like that.

DBM: I understand it’s not easy, trust me. That is why I don’t live up to all those sharp and exaggerated concepts of masculinity encouraged on social media and by some men.

Rhett: Yeah!

DBM: Participant 136, Mamle, left a question for you: ‘How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?’

Rhett: Planning ahead gives me the basic outline for my day. I’m able to make good use of my time of day, and that adds value to my life.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Rhett: Does everything in your life happen for a reason or you just find reasons after these things have happened?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

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