Tag: Love

I see myself in Hugh, and I fear for him

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

See, the relationship between LOVE and MARRIAGE is like that of a building and its foundation. LOVE is the foundation on which MARRIAGE, the building, is built. Like the foundation of a building, LOVE is far stronger than marriage. You cannot build before laying the foundation. If love is not the foundation of marriage, as in the case of Hugh and Papina, and as it was in my case, then when the storms of life reel its ugly head, the one who came into the relationship for reasons other than love, but only learnt to love the other after they’d been married would leave.

I married a lady I knew didn’t love me. She confessed same. I was praying that with time, she would grow to love me knowing the beautiful character I possess. David, could you imagine about after a year of marriage, my wife then promised, ‘Kwaku, exercise patience; the love will come’.

I earned a lot of money from my workplace and ensured life was very good and very comfortable for my wife, which then developed the love she showed. But after disaster struck and I lost my job, and the financial situation at home begun to fall, and finally fell, I realized our relationship was built upside-down: marriage which was the building was made the foundation and we tried to build love on it.

David, I had the premonition all along that in case I lost my job, my wife would leave. And it happened – in a very bizarre way. I really fear for Hugh. I am praying the fate I suffered at my workplace will not happen to him. But if, per adventure, it does happen, David I can predict Papina will leave. She’s in this relationship because Hugh has met her, and is meeting all of her demands. The love Hugh receives, and enjoys from her is ‘bought’. Papina coaching her friend to do as she did suggest that her love for Hugh hangs loosely on the thread of time; on how much and for how long Hugh is able to meet her aspirations.

There’s every indication that Hugh doubts her love. There’s every indication that Hugh entertains some fear. His fear is real and genuine. I wouldn’t advice divorce. But he should develop strong shock absorbers for future eventualities. Hugh’s may not be loss of job, accident or ill health that could result in permanent disability, but these things happen. I am lucky mine was just the loss of a job. I am still very healthy and moving on with life. Imagine if it had been a physical disability… You understand what I mean?

Written by KA

Image Credit: Mart Production

Let’s Talk to Hugh and Papina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 110a: Hugh

Partisipant110b: Papina is my name. Or Ivy. Both mean the same thing

DBM: Hello Hugh and Papina. How would you describe yourselves?

Hugh: Work in progress, trying to improve my own life.

Papina: As for me, I take big risks. That is how come I am able to realize my big wins. I am in my early 30’s, and always looking to be better – meaning, I learn from my mistakes. I’ve been through hell and back, so I nowadays prefer to rather take a step back and soak in as much information from people and circumstances as possible. I am currently living in my moment and I am working towards a dream that looks bigger than myself. I have a degree in Marketing. I am also a young mother

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Hugh: 9

Papina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hugh: I eavesdropped on a phone call between my wife and one of her girlfriends. She was telling her how she also agreed to marry me for purely financial motivations. And was encouraging her friend to do same with her new guy. How can a Christian woman marry me for some reason other than love?

Papina: In my defense, the love came later

Hugh: Liar

Papina: I am telling the truth; I did not fall in love with you until our third year in marriage.

Hugh: Did you marry me purposely to have financial support, a good roof over your head and also, to live a comfortable life?

Papina: Yes

DBM: Did you fall in love with your husband because of his generosity?

Papina: Yes Dave, I did

Hugh: Why then were you excited and at a point, even in tears on our wedding day – during the exchange of vows?

Papina: You couldn’t keep your hands off me. You had held my hand so tight and looked like you meant every promise from the vows you were making to me. I knew that you loved me, and that made me feel lucky

DBM: How long have you been married?

Papina: 6 years

DBM: What do you think are your husband’s best qualities?

Papina: He makes me laugh like no other, he’s very supportive and kind; emotionally very intelligent, he is smart and committed to the success of our marriage; he is forgiving and understanding, and I love our lazy morning sex when he slips into my morning shower to give me a quickie.

Hugh: Dave, ask my wife if she’s a gold digger

Papina: When we first met, I did not mind you trading your money and status in exchange for sex and my good looks. You wanted both in your life, and it came at a cost

Hugh: You told me you loved me too before we got married. All of it was a lie

Papina: First and foremost, we all lie. You used to lie to me too for reasons best known to you

Hugh: Why weren’t you upfront with the truth? You wanted someone to take care of you; I could have done that without the commitment of a marriage

Papina: Telling you the truth as at that time wouldn’t have gotten me what I have now

DBM: What do you have now?

Papina: I have a good man in my life who does special things for me to tell me how he feels. He shows me every day, how much he cares about how I feel – and that, whatever makes me happy is important to him.

Hugh: According to your explanation, it was best to lie to get me interested in our relationship?

Papina: If you had told me up front that you wanted sex from me when we first met, I would have ignored you because you weren’t my type.

Hugh: Then I’m still not your type

Papina: You’re my type. The fact that you have more money than less elevates your potential automatically to every woman. Money is a plus for a man.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory with your wife?

Hugh: Me?

DBM: Yes

Hugh: I don’t remember

DBM: Come on!

Hugh: I don’t have any

Papina: Can I answer for myself?

DBM: Sure

Papina: The first time we had to reminisce about when we first met, by going through our old pictures together. That was the day I realized I was falling in love with him. I connected with my husband in a way I could not imagine

Hugh: My best memory of my wife is, she’s a master of manipulation and sweet talk.

DBM: Be nice, please

Hugh: I don’t think I can trust her anymore

Papina: Why don’t you trust me anymore? You haven’t lied to me before? You’ve had side chicks since we married. Have I ever complained? Before you asked me to be your girlfriend, you had another woman in your life, yet you told me you were single. Or you thought I couldn’t handle the truth?

Hugh: Keep justifying your actions

DBM: Hugh

Hugh: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hugh: Yeah

DBM: What are the four places you’ve considered having sex with your wife, other than in your bed?

Papina: 🥰

DBM: Sup? Lol!

Papina: 😎 He will answer this one. I know my husband

Hugh: I want to eat her out on the kitchen counter when the kids are in school, press her naked body against the window in the hall, fuck her hard on the hood of my car in the garage and on the staircase

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Hugh: She’s important to me

Papina: Awww!

Hugh: She’s been encouraging and excited about my progress and choices in life

Papina: That’s because my feelings and what is important to me are your priorities. We have come so far that I cannot imagine a time when I will not love you. I’ve found the man I want to love forever in you

Hugh: What if I lose all my money? Would you still love me?

Papina: At the moment, I know your assets are producing a higher net return, which makes it impossible for you to lose all of your money. You’ve made excellent financial planning decisions which spreads well beyond your investments. We are good.

DBM: Smh! Women and money!

Papina: Money seduces us differently. The content of a man’s bank account determines the depth of a woman’s love for him. The only time a woman would go for a broke guy is when her cashflow permits her to choose anything she wants for love.

DBM: I love how candid you both are with your communication

Hugh: I believe that if you love someone, you do not tune them out even when the conversation is not about something that you’d want to talk about.

Papina: We’ve both been genuinely interested in what we have to say about anything, anytime, any day. And, it’s working for us in that department.

DBM: What do you fear the most?

Hugh: Losing my wife

Papina: I’d say the same, losing my life; losing my husband and all that he’s worked for

DBM: Why do you tolerate your husband’s affairs?

Papina: Dave, I am tough o; I have not come this far in life by simply putting up with garbage thrown at me to decay my self-esteem, never. Also, prior to his affairs, I was already tolerating a whole lot from him. That is not to excuse bad behavior. We have set boundaries in our marriage and he knows very well that he is not allowed to put my life, health, sanity and our home in any form of danger. He does not look or touch his phone when we’re interacting at home. He understands the clarity of priorities when he is home. Most importantly, he ensures the home has everything to make its inhabitants feel comfortable

DBM: That is good enough?

Papina: For me, it is. That is me standing up for myself. That is me not beating myself up because of someone else’s bad behavior. I’ve told myself that nothing he does should have the capacity to drain me emotionally. I’d rather be gone and not let the door hit me on my way out.

Hugh: I have no issues in my marriage

DBM: I know quite a number of married men who have split themselves into two; their first part believing of themselves to be good and well-behaved husbands who’d do any and everything to stay attentive at home, but then, encouraging the second part of them to carry on with an affair. Do you fall in this category?

Hugh: I do

DBM: And, is it going to be like this forever?

Hugh: A time will come, I will not be acting on my fantasy outside of my marriage. A time will come, I will only be taking my feelings about the fantasies I want to explore with my wife seriously. A time will come, we will laugh about my foolish past together

Papina: Hopefully, sooner than later before you squander your time without holding on to something meaningful with me. Today you can be here, tomorrow you’d be gone.

DBM: It was a good conversation. Thank you!

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

Let’s Talk To Xavier

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 108: Xavier

DBM: Hello Xavier. How would you describe yourself?

Xavier: I will describe myself as a man who is very much in control of his dynamisms, and is self-aware, and can channel my energies in the path to goodness.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Xavier: 9 and a half

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Xavier: Prior to meeting my wife, I was in a two-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We were planning on getting married because she was pregnant. One day, while she was in the shower, a man sent a steamy message to her phone, which caught my attention because I was going to take her charger to charge my phone. The notification popped up on her screen, and I read the remaining of the message; it was incredibly intimate. Before I could process anything, he followed up with a voice message of him masturbating while reminiscing about their last intimate encounter, which according to him, happened the night before. This happened in 2014. Mind you, she was six months pregnant, and until I heard that message, had assumed the pregnancy was mine. This is an ex who convinced me not to have sex with her because she was having a high-risk pregnancy. She made me believe she had a low-lying placenta, which her doctor confirmed with the term, placenta praevia. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. The long and short of the story is, her child belongs to the doctor, and they’ve been together since our breakup.

DBM: Omg!

Xavier: I met my wife on my way to attack the doctor at the hospital. I was driving and then suddenly, I had to pee. I found the nearest office building and had to beg and bribe the security man to allow me use the bathroom. When I got out of the washroom, I met my wife on the hallway, and I could swear she looked just like a crush of mine from high school. I probably might have been horny because her smile turned me on.

DBM: Ah! But weren’t you the same person angry a minute ago?

Xavier: The quality of voice she used in saying ‘heya’ to me – got me thinking

DBM: About what?

Xavier: Rather than looking to what my ex had done and fighting her doctor, why not focus on who was sharing her brightest smile with me in the present to solve a problem.

DBM: What problem did her smile solve in your life?

Xavier: I have tears in my eyes just recalling the day I met her. That simple ‘heya’ imbued the rest of my life with so much magic. It made me consider whether or not letting an opportunity like her pass me by, really was worth my time and energy. Who would have known ‘heya’ could teach me how to pick my battles wisely? Her smile made me forget I was angry; that is magic. And since that day, I stopped fighting over every little thing. Dave, when you’ve had your heart trampled on, it takes a special ‘heya’ to let yourself be vulnerable to trust again.

DBM: How would you describe your wife?

Xavier: If ever there was ‘the one’, then it would be my woman. She’s the only lady that I had been with for love to call us to marriage without any sexual happenstances involved. I am in no way saying I don’t feel like sleeping with my wife any time I set my eyes on her. As her husband, the passion she exhumes in me is erotic 24/7. But she did not meet all my requirements for the perfect woman I desired. Getting to know her drew my attention to the other attractive qualities in her that were even better than anything I could have wanted in a wife. She triggers my inner hero to come along.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Xavier: Eight years in August. We dated for seven months

DBM: Your ex, how did you finally get closure?

Xavier: I loved my ex-girlfriend but had to walk away because I didn’t have it in me to trust her again. Talks about her brings up certain emotions that I cannot explain, even now.

DBM: Hmmm!

Xavier: But I forgive her

DBM: What is your favorite thing about your marriage?

Xavier: Oh, that is simple; I wake up in the morning and the first thing I tell myself is to love my wife more than I did the day before. I give her a kiss, iron her dress while she prepares the children for school. I hug her before leaving the house, and offer a gargantuan, extended hug when I return from work. I’ve been consistent with the same routine for eight years, to the extent that, she expects it from me every day.

DBM: Why is such a routine important to you?

Xavier: Choosing to love my wife, I believe is within my control

DBM: It is!

Xavier: Yeah!

DBM: What do you think seems to be the glue holding your marriage intact?

Xavier: The fact that me and my wife go out of our way to take what we have seriously. Our commitment is pure; she’s my best friend, my confidant, lover, and the woman I can laugh and be playful with. My wife trusts me. She believes in me, desires me sexually and I am sexually attracted to her. I’ve had eyes for only my wife, and she’s made sure that sex is a priority in our marriage. She sees how hard I work for the family and encourages me on a daily basis. She does this in front of our children, friends and family a lot. My wife appreciates my every effort and I do same to her. I think we have the correct balance of deed and restraint when dealing with each other.

Image Credit: EJ

Let’s Talk To Rayowa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 107: Rayowa

DBM: Hi Rayowa. How would you describe yourself?

Rayowa: Omo Naija in the house

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rayowa: A 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rayowa: I want to do something different with you to unlock value. Let’s exchange information based on our understanding and experiences of things, situations and with people. I will ask you any question that I feel you would enjoy answering, and vice versa. It can be personal; it can be general. I will not hold back with the truth, and I am hoping you wouldn’t either?

DBM: What if I do not find a question enjoyable?

Rayowa: You tell me, and I will ask something different

DBM: Okay!

Rayowa: How old are you?

DBM: 38. You?

Rayowa: 45. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

DBM: Lol! I’d say 7 today. Tell me a little about Nigeria

Rayowa: Nigeria is a developing country, with its capital being Abuja. We run the Federal Presidential Republic type of government. Our currency is the Naira, and English is the official language spoken. There are other languages such as Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo and Fulani. We have a population of about 215 million people. The Nigerian knows how to survive and excel in all circumstances, reason why ‘Naija no dey carry last’, meaning, Nigeria never would come last. I’ve been taught to marry well, amass as many degrees as possible, and earn enough money so I can take care of my parents in their old age. I am also to do way better than my parents – in every way or form. The mortality rate of the country is high due to AIDS. And just like any other country, crime is high in Nigeria. Even an individual wearing a police uniform can commit a violent crime so easily. 419 is another level of Nigerian-operated fraudulent schemes. Nigerians want to be respected at all cost because we are hardworking, we are super competitive. Nigerians are driven by societal statuses, and yes, we can be stubborn.

DBM: I see

Rayowa: What do men want?

DBM: I don’t know what men want

Rayowa: What do you want?

DBM: With respect to?

Rayowa: Love, relationship

DBM: I want someone who answers my every question honestly, and is willing to volunteer any form of information needed to be heard. I want a love-relationship that encourages growth and fidelity. I want my peace and quiet; I want to eat good, healthy meals and build a friendship worth keeping.

Rayowa: Your turn

DBM: What are the two good things you learned from your mother?

Rayowa: My mother did not settle at every turn in her life and love relationships when she was being treated like crap. She’s currently in her fourth marriage, and this has been her longest and happiest. Because of her, I know how to say ‘no’ to any situation that seeks to cheapen who I am. I will not take just anything simply because others think there is nothing better out there that could come my way. Just like my mum, I am worthy of something better; I am worthy of someone better.

DBM: That’s a good response

Rayowa: What two things did you learn from your father?

DBM: I wasn’t close with/to my dad; I still am not but I observed certain things about his way of life when I was younger. He would always pursue what he truly loved and believed in, rather than being trapped in an office doing things he didn’t so much enjoy. I have learned to do things I am truly excited about and amazingly good at; so far as it doesn’t feel like a job, I will never tire doing it. The second would be, living a simple life within my means. I never saw him judging himself based on other people’s values and metrics… Because he was never competing with anyone. It was never his style to show off to anyone to prove a point. He only did what he believed in, and was in competition with just himself to achieve his goals.

Rayowa: I love that

DBM: What is the one exciting thing in your life right now?

Rayowa: I recently enrolled as a PhD student at the University of Oxford, after many attempts of applying for PhD scholarships. I am very happy and proud of myself right now.

DBM: Congratulations!

Rayowa: Thank you, Dave. Do you think a man is worth fighting for?

DBM: What type of man?

Rayowa: The type one is in love with

DBM: I don’t ‘fight’, it’s draining and too much work/stress.

Rayowa: You’ve never fought for something you believe in?

DBM: I have, and that was when I didn’t know any better. Today, I only will ‘fight’ for the right side – which is obviously my side.

Rayowa: You will not fight for a love that once made you feel good?

DBM: ‘Once made you feel good’. Question is, what has changed now?

Rayowa: Say, there is a hidden competition for his attention somewhere else

DBM: No! I only believe in investing in people the best way possible. If they don’t/can’t do the same for you, you let go. The reason why I don’t engage in ‘fights’ is because it involves a win by either getting beaten or beating someone else down. At this point in my life, my energy and focus are solely on figuring out what drives true joy from within me. I will let you go if you don’t think what we share is that special to cherish.

Rayowa: Just like that?

DBM: Just like that!

Rayowa: Even if he makes me happy?

DBM: If he was making you happy, you wouldn’t be thinking of doing any and everything to have him in your life. If you love him, and want the relationship that bad, he should be choosing you too. You don’t fight for his attention all by yourself; it’s supposed to be a side-by-side interest genuinely expressed by the both of you. He should be deserving of you as much as you think you deserve him.

Rayowa: It’s your turn

DBM: What am I not asking you that I should?

Rayowa: I don’t know how to keep my husband for myself

DBM: Is your husband showing you all the respect, consistency and depth that you know you deserve in the marriage?

Rayowa: Not really. And he’s become so unreasonable to even talk to lately. I feel like I have done more than he deserves

DBM: If you’re to stand back and take account of your husband’s deeds, he should be the best representation of what’s in your very best interest. You’re not built to break in a fight for a man; you’re here to fight for what you believe is due you. You’re in a position to see your husband as a man worth fighting for if you represent the woman, he believes is worth fighting for as well.

Rayowa: Dave, I have been a good wife to my husband

DBM: It’s still irrelevant if all he leaves on your heart is a scar. I would entreat you to pray for the Wisdom of GOD to know whether or not your husband is the right man for you; because some wins aren’t even worth the scars in the long run.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight

Let’s Talk To Zuri

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 106: My name is Zuri

DBM: Hello Zuri. How would you describe yourself?

Zuri: I know who I am, I know what my priorities are in life; I know what I want and need, I love the woman that I am because I stay true to myself.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuri: Eight, I think

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuri: I grew up with two mothers and my father. This is the story behind their arrangement; my birth mother was the best friend of my father’s wife. Apparently, when the couple were ready to start a family, his wife could not get pregnant. They had tried conventional methods by having frequent sex during her fertile window, etc. Six years passed in their marriage with no cry of a baby. The wife of my dad complained to my mother and she offered to carry his baby for her. I still do not understand the details and nature of their friendship, but I know the three of them have been sharing the same bedroom for as long as I can remember. My mother is not married to my father but they’re one big family. I am the only child of my parents

DBM: How old are you?

Zuri: 27 years

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see all three of your parents enter their bedroom?

Zuri: I used to think all families were like mine because I had never known anything different. But when I first found out most families consisted of just two parents (father and mother), I thought it was abnormal because that wasn’t my experience.

DBM: Abnormal, how?

Zuri: The father-mother only relationship, because I am used to Father, mother and his wife

DBM: How would you describe your dad?

Zuri: He is my first love. He is hardworking, strict, silly sometimes; he’s maintained a safe and open home for all of us; he is very charitable, and I believe his perspective and personality together have contributed to who I am today.

DBM: Describe your birth-mother

Zuri: Mum is persistent and tenacious. She is passionate about other things and people but not about me. She’s in love with my father and will not let anyone walk all over him and get away with it. She is driven, and very intelligent. She will tell you, ‘No’, and mean it but also would deliver when she promises to do something. She can be a hurricane and tornado when provoked. My mother, I’d say is the representation of what bravery and resilience mean. The only person I think she’s allowed to see her vulnerability, is my father. She’s never wanted children, according to my father’s wife… So, I am not surprised she’s not been so much of a mother to me.

DBM: What has she been to you then, if she’s not been a mother-figure?

Zuri: More of a friend or an Aunt

DBM: How would you describe your father’s wife?

Zuri: I hope you have time for this one, because I do not even know where to begin. 😊She’s the mother I never had. She’s also the proof that true love does exist. She’s loved me without questions. She’s loved me with no bounds. She’s loved me without reservations. The love that she’s shown me to be springing from her heart can be trusted, and I find comfort in the truth that, no matter what, her love will remain by my side because it’s meant for just me. Her love for me is absolute, it’s steadfast and certain. She loves me more than she loves my dad.

DBM: Why do you think your birth mother isn’t that much into you?

Zuri: According to my father’s wife, my dad wanted his marriage to be exciting, and didn’t want to lose their sense of fun after having children. She desperately wanted to be a mother, and my birth-mother badly wanted to hang out with my father. When it dawned on my second mother that she was having trouble getting pregnant, she allowed the burden of it to push the fun in their marriage to take the backseat. She realized how much my mother was fond of my dad, and suggested he rather tried having a child with her. The three of them came to a consensus, and it seems to have worked for all parties involved. Everybody has what they want the most.

DBM: Is your father’s wife happy?

Zuri: I make her happy. I’ve also read jealousy in the way she sometimes stares at my mum, when she’s making my dad laugh out loud. My dad gives my mum more attention and hangs out with her a lot. He gives his wife attention but cannot be compared to the time he spends with my mother.

DBM:  What’s your relationship status?

Zuri: I am dating

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Zuri: It’s been two years

DBM: Has your parents’ relationship taught you anything?

Zuri: My father is always happy and looks his best when he’s with my mother. He laughs more. He jokes a lot, and is hardly in a bad mood. He looks good, alive and energetic when he sees my mother, and he’s more giving and kinder towards his wife and me because of whatever my mother does with him in bed. One mistake I don’t want to make is to assume that, having explicit fun with my man isn’t something of importance. From the little I have witnessed at home and my own experience with my boyfriend, life should be about great, exciting times with a man. Most men hate it, and would eventually get bored if we fail to prioritize having crazy fun in our relationships or marriages.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your parents’ union?

Zuri: My dad is always saying both women give him the respect due him. He loves the fact that his wife is an excellent cook and a nurturer/mother to me. She gives him peace and understands his intentions for the family. My mother on the other hand is the vital element connecting all three of them as one. She’s the game changer, the slut, the wife, and the other-woman. She’s also career-driven and supports the home financially. This takes the workload off my dad.

DBM: I see

Zuri: One woman can be all that my mother and my father’s wife are to him

DBM: I agree. But then again, it’s also important to protect your own joy; protect your peace

Zuri: Can you explain?

DBM: I know people who have accommodated all sorts of behaviors in their men, simply because they want to be in a relationship with them. The fear of being alone scares them so much, they are willing to compromise on their values and how they’d want to be treated in a relationship – just to have a man in their lives. I know people who would justify just any bad behavior in their significant other so they’re liked and wanted by them

Zuri: That’s not me

DBM: Good to know! It’s always best not to ignore your needs while in the process of putting that of those you love first.

Zuri: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your boyfriend?

Zuri: Fiercely

DBM: I’m happy for you

Zuri: I am happy for me too

DBM: Do you know what your grandparents, from all three sides, make of your parents’ living arrangement?

Zuri: I know my mother leaves the house whenever any of my dad’s or his wife’s relatives visit the house. They also kept the news of my birth from everyone until I was nine months old. I wasn’t born in Ghana, and we stayed overseas for almost a year, after my birth.

DBM: So, your extended family from your father and his wife’s side think you are the daughter of his wife?

Zuri: Yes

DBM: At what age did they tell you about the truth?

Zuri: When I was 13 years old

DBM: Did you understand it then?

Zuri: I did

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Iury Bessa

Let’s Talk To Liam

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 101: Liam

DBM: Hi Liam. How would you describe yourself?

Liam: Husband, brother and friend.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Liam: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Liam: I want to talk about one of my sisters and the man she’s in love with. We had a neighbor when we were young. He died in a mysterious car accident with his wife and left behind their 14-year-old son. My dad was very good friends with the man, and so he discussed with the uncle and other relatives of the boy to adopt him. He promised them to see him through school etc., which he did eventually. But before that happened, he had become our house-help. I don’t remember how it all started but I know my mother started pushing house chores on him. As the years went by, he became the main helping hand without whom our family would have felt the burden. His name is Thomas. He was cleaning, washing, weeding, sweeping, running errands for my parents… basically working for us every day, and was always late for school.

DBM: You all attended the same school?

Liam: Yes. Though he would come to school late, he attended classes regularly.

DBM: Okay!

Liam: My mother started to not like him. She would breathe on his neck whenever he was doing the chores. My other two sisters would shadow him when my mother was not around

DBM: Why?

Liam: Because my dad always made references in his favor when our school reports were released. They wanted him to know his place in the house, I guess. Thomas was a hard-working student who had a love for learning. He achieved high scores on his tests and final exams. His name was always part of the top 5 in the class.

DBM: You were both in the same grade?

Liam: Yes, but I wasn’t as brilliant. Average I’d say. Anytime he excelled in an exam or topped our class, my father would reward him with cash or buy something expensive for him, which my mother would later take it. I have three sisters, two were always grumpy whenever Thomas was around them, and they made sure he felt unwelcomed at home and in school. My younger sister was just like me, average academically, and wasn’t pulling her weight in class. She was very nice to Thomas, and because of that, he decided to help her with her assignments and would teach her to understand problems she couldn’t solve in school. My sister suddenly wasn’t overwhelmed by the feeling of not scoring an ‘A’, and could stand back to assess her attitude towards studies.

DBM: How many siblings are you?

Liam: We’re six in number.

DBM: I see

Liam: Thomas had aggregate 06 but my mother didn’t allow him to further his education that year. By that time, my father was working abroad, so the major decisions at home were solely taken by my mother. Thomas only got the chance to continue his education after everyone of my siblings had completed senior secondary school.

DBM: Oh, wow!

Liam: That’s my mother for you. By the way, I cannot stand my own mother

DBM: I can only image

Liam: Thomas and my younger sister built an unspoken bond. He managed to get my sister to care about her grades, and was willing to work on improving them. I can confidently say that, my sister achieved success in her education because he helped her to value education.

DBM: What is Thomas’ current profession?

Liam: He is a biology teacher at a Senior High School

DBM: What about your little sister?

Liam: She’s a medical doctor

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Liam: I’m a Systems consultant

DBM: How about your other siblings?

Liam: They’re all doing well; married with children. The only single person is my younger sister. She doesn’t want to be with any other man but Thomas. We all know my mother will not agree to this love story. My dad is presently at a stage where, whatever my mother says goes. My other sisters do not like Thomas, and the two brothers just don’t care.

DBM: How old is your little sister?

Liam: 28

DBM: Thomas is a teacher. Why wouldn’t your mother accept him?

Liam: My mother demeans people who are beneath her level. So, for a man like Thomas, though she knows him to be hardworking and kind, and with good character, and can do his share of work at home diligently when married, she still will assume he wouldn’t be able to properly contribute financially in a marriage – because she knows how much Ghanaian teachers in the public sector earn. She sees such men to be handicapped. To her, they will become burdens on their wives and wouldn’t want any of her daughters married to one. And so far, she’s ensured it never happened under her watch with my sisters.

DBM: But a woman who is underemployed or lowly paid is still dateable and a marriage prospect, no?

Liam: Dave, as I said, I will not even marry women like my mother and two other sisters. They do not only prefer men who make more money, but they have to make significantly more before they can fall in love

DBM: How old is Thomas?

Liam: He is 34

DBM: You’re 34 yourself?

Liam: Yes. Will be 35 in September

DBM: How is Thomas doing?

Liam: He is the reason I reached out to you. He is fine. He was here days ago to inform me he is genuinely interested in my younger sister and fond of spending time with her. My sister always wanted it to be him; he knew this but was cautious because of my family. Now, he’s realized he is falling in love with her but does not want to confess his feelings for her yet, till he is sure of how my mother and sisters would take the news. He also mentioned a decision my sister has taken, to get pregnant with his baby out of wedlock before the year ends. He doesn’t know which is a good idea

DBM: Your mother and sisters may be looking at Thomas through a stereotypical lens, but again, that is them. Your sister is not obliged to buy into that. You all have your lived experiences with him. It should have nothing to do with who is right or wrong about him. It rather should be about seeing your options clearly when it comes to Thomas.

Liam: That’s exactly how I feel

DBM: Did he mention your sister in his future plans?

Liam: He wants to start a family with her. I know he is finding ways to include her in his future and also fit himself into hers. Can you post our chat on Facebook, so people can suggest ideas on their situation? I have asked him and my sister to follow your Facebook platform.

DBM: I will publish it on Wednesday.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Let’s Talk To Coffie

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 99: Coffie

DBM: Hi Coffie. How would you describe yourself?

Coffie: I try not to cross the line of being inappropriate. I’m a gentleman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Coffie: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Coffie: I smoke cannabis every day before going to bed, because it relaxes my nerves. I cannot do without dope, also because it puts me in the mood for sex. I love sex; every woman I have been with orgasms satisfactorily because the weed increases my sex drive. Pot alters my sexual libido to do more rounds of sex when I am high. Even though my girlfriend testifies to the amplified pleasurable sensations that arises in her when I am high on marijuana, she doesn’t like the fact that I smoke weed. She wants me to quit smoking; something I don’t think I can do.

DBM: How old are you?

Coffie: 39

DBM: And, for how long have you been smoking weed?

Coffie: Since I was in SSS 2. A few of my friends were into it, and I became curious and later wanted to experiment. Initially, it was just for the fun of it but I got to realize it was a stress reliever. I could manage my emotions and moods, cope with depression and anxiety; it helped me feel good, forgetting all of my worries. I could sleep better, analyze situations from a higher perspective and it takes away boredom

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Coffie: I am a Petroleum Engineer

DBM: How long have you and your woman been an item?

Coffie: Two years

DBM: She’s known you to be smoking all this while?

Coffie: Yes. I was actually blowing off steam in my car the first time she walked up to me

DBM: Why does she wants you to stop?

Coffie: I usually keep my smoking habits discrete and can carry on through my daily activities without smelling like dope. Her family invited us to dinner, and I think the smell of the weed smoke had clinged on my skin and shirt. Her dad and brothers got the hint and they weren’t in favor of our relationship before I could even introduce myself to them.

DBM: I hate the smell of weed. I would not have liked you either

Coffie: But Dave, my favorite flower has different aromas. Do you know about that?

DBM: I don’t!

Coffie: It depends on the strain; however, I will not dispute the fact that, some can be dramatically strong

DBM: How much weed had you smoked prior to the family dinner?

Coffie: Just two rolls, nothing major

DBM: I see

Coffie: My girlfriend wants me to either stop smoking or lose her

DBM: That’s easy, no?

Coffie: Easy how?

DBM: You’re going to stop smoking because you love her

Coffie: I love her, but I don’t want to feel pressured by a woman who is using my love for her to make an uncomfortable decision that does not align with my desires and beliefs.

DBM: You think she’s trying to control you by making such a request?

Coffie: She’s already been denying me sex, because I’m still smoking. I find her recent attitude towards me to be manipulative. Boss, I don’t treat her bad, I don’t chase after other women when I am in a relationship. I am aroused when I am high and my woman is the only person I think about. Why is she threatening to leave me because I won’t stop smoking?

DBM: Why do you love her?

Coffie: She’s sincere, and I love waking up next to her every morning. I want her in my future because she has an awesome body and enormous arse; we’ve made good memories and I get amazed when she doesn’t know how beautiful she is. She’s very gentle and kind, smart and sometimes, humorous. Her car is always messy and would argue with me if I try to clean it. I love those little arguments with her. A few things about her that I admire; her smile, laughter, energy, enthusiasm. She’s my close to flawless.

DBM: Did she give her reasons as to why she doesn’t want you to be smoking weed anymore?

Coffie: No! And I don’t want to carry any resentment towards her due to this disagreement

DBM: Prior to the family dinner, was she okay with your smoking habit?

Coffie: No, but she wasn’t making an issue out of it. She understood this was me. Now, I am stuck with what to do.

DBM: Do you see yourself giving up smoking any time soon?

Coffie: Dave, if I did not give it up as a teenager to stay in parents’ house, what makes you think I would now? I don’t do alcohol. I don’t do tobacco. I don’t chase women. Why should I give up the one thing that keeps me on my toes to work hard for my money?

DBM: You will choose weed over the love of your life?

Coffie: My simple rule in life is that, if a woman can ask me to choose between something I enjoy and her, then she’s already making the choice easier for me. Because I will never put someone I care about in that position of choosing

DBM: Is smoking it the only way you can take it?

Coffie: No, but smoking it is my favorite. I vape it sometimes. When I am at work, I eat or just drink the grass.

DBM: Don’t you think part of her concerns could be, marijuana being addictive and harmful to your health?

Coffie: It does not affect me in a bad way. I am fine

DBM: You are certain it does not affect productivity at work?

Coffie: I don’t get high at work. My body is accustomed to the amount I take at work. The effects wear off in seconds. I am always sober during working hours

DBM: Hmmm!

Coffie: Dave, I know what I want in life. I know what I want to do with my life. I know the name of the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know my final destination ahead of time; that is why I am making the choices I make and taking these little, necessary steps to get me there. People who may not understand me may see my choices to be bad, but my ‘bad’ choices are also bringing me to the right places and people.

DBM: Does your girlfriend follow my Facebook platform?

Coffie: I don’t know

DBM: This is what I can suggest, I will let you have the last word to tell her something. When I publish our chat on my blog, I will send you the link so you send it to her to read. Cool?

Coffie: That is also a good idea

DBM: You have the last word

Coffie: Matilda, have a little faith and trust in our process. It’s just you and me in this, remember? Just as I allow you to be yourself in the relationship, can you allow me to be myself too? I don’t feel comfortable changing who I am to fit into your family’s ideals of who the right man for you should be. You are fervently religious and I am not, yet we’ve always found a common ground to be happy. We’ve both made sacrifices because we truly love what we have and like each other very much. I don’t think we are too different to allow whatever is causing this friction between us to eat away our faith in love. I love you, and I want to be able to express this feeling without being judged. Please allow me to be my true self around you and let’s have an interesting relationship. I am available tonight to discuss your expectations and boundaries, and any other ways we feel we can be of support to one another. I don’t want our differences to cause any more issues in the relationship.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Bubune

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 98: I’m Bubune

DBM: Hello Bubune. How would you describe yourself?

Bubune: Born-again husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bubune: Eight out of 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Bubune: I was 29 years old when I married my wife. I did not love her as at that time because I wasn’t ready for love. In hindsight, I would say I was marrying a wife while I still had other girls on my mind. I wasn’t secure in the woman I was marrying; I wasn’t satisfied when we settled for the honeymoon. I knew she loved me more than I liked her because it was supposed to be casual sex with no strings attached. But she got pregnant, and her dad being the Area Head of their church, decided we got married. Abortion was off the table. A wedding was planned in less than three months, and part of our package was to travel outside Ghana, a week after the wedding.

DBM: How did you two know each other?

Bubune: My dad is also a retired Apostle. Our parents were friends

DBM: Okay?

Bubune: When we left the shores of Ghana, I was all my wife had. She doesn’t make friends easily, and she couldn’t relate to my kinds of friends either. Here I was with a woman I did not love and feared hurting her feelings because she would have been devastated.

DBM: Why were you having sex with her – if you did not like her?

Bubune: You mean before marriage?

DBM: Yes

Bubune: She wanted to try sex for the first time. I was one of the few friends she had and could talk to about it. Our friendship wasn’t that tight but she knew she could trust me.

DBM: How old was she?

Bubune: 23 or 24. She knew I did not love her, even on our wedding day, because I had a serious girlfriend – though I was exploring outside the relationship with other girls.

DBM: Yeah, a woman knows when you are not that much into her. She will know when you are not excited about her; when you do not miss or want her; when you do not see a future together with her in it

Bubune: Unfortunately, she did not mind being stuck with me

DBM: Her reasons being?

Bubune: Initially, she thought dependability and monetary refuge could make up for love. I had a good paying job in Canada, and was living the life. She also had the nerve, sanguinity and a hefty amount of hope in her future with me. She told me once, ‘you will learn how to love me one day.’

DBM: Were you her first boyfriend?

Bubune: I think so. She was a virgin when we had sex

DBM: ‘You will learn how to love me one day’. Did you?

Bubune: I did

DBM: At what point did you start realizing it?

Bubune: My text messages with her started putting smiles on my face for no apparent reason. There were no butterflies in my stomach, or anything. All I know is, I could trust her, and tell her everything. I could tell her about the women I was hooking up with, the sex-gone-bad a day or night before; the new girl I thought I was falling in love with or flirting with me, etc.

DBM: Interesting. She wasn’t peeved or jealous?

Bubune: She probably was but I think she denied her feelings of rage and jealousy. She could make fun of me or be cynical to the extent that, I rather begun assuming she didn’t care about me anymore.

DBM: Was how she felt about you significant?

Bubune: I thought it wasn’t till it was

DBM: How did that thought make you feel?

Bubune: Worried and sad. I had hit rock-bottom because her behavior kept me guessing and wanting her not to leave me hanging. She could be aloof and holding back on her true feelings when I was being foolish with other women. It got to a point; I would intentionally have an affair or flirt with ladies for her to see – just to get a reaction, but she wouldn’t show any. She would act normal and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

DBM: Were you happy doing all that?

Bubune: I was lonely, honestly

DBM: You couldn’t have been lonely; you had the affection and attention of others, no?

Bubune: Yeah, but not that of my wife’s. She had lost the interest she used to have in me. And she looked happier

DBM: I’d rather be alone than to be lonely

Bubune: I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be lonely

DBM: So, what did you do?

Bubune: I had to change and build attraction. My wife needed convincing so I became better at getting her attracted to how good I could make her feel.

DBM: You build on a love relationship; you don’t just find one

Bubune: Fact! I started respecting her as my wife and gave her all of my attention. I heard her when she spoke, and I made attempts to understand her concerns. I became very supportive, and invested in her interests and passions. I learnt about them and could stimulate her mind. I took notice of where I stood in her life and our marriage and showed up in my best self. I started having a positive outlook on life in general, and I was happy about it and even proud of myself.

DBM: Vulnerability sometimes involves, offering someone your whole truth without them asking for it

Bubune: I was vulnerable enough to re-align my priorities and self. I recognized where I had gone wrong with my wife, and I made the efforts to make it right by her

DBM: Did she see the effort you were putting into reaching her?

Bubune: She did

DBM: How do you feel about your wife right now?

Bubune: My wife wants me to be for her, so I cheer really hard now. I love her so dearly, I want to continually honor and serve her, give off my best to inspire her and never cease praying for our happiness together as a unit.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Bubune: 26 years

DBM: Oh, wow!

Bubune: Seven out of those years, I did not consider her feelings. I lied and lived a selfish life. And it wasn’t just a fleeting lapse in my judgement

DBM: There are a ton of husbands out there biting the dust with blurred lines in their marriages. What would you tell a wife who is finding it difficult to recover from the pain of betrayal?

Bubune: Every wound has its own way of healing. Heal at your own pace and forgive your husband if he is deserving of your forgiveness. If he keeps showing you that he never really is with you on the journey, do not spend the rest of your life with him. Go solo

Image Credit: Rdne Stock Project

Let’s Talk To Ursula

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 96: Ursula

DBM: Hello Ursula. How would you describe yourself?

Ursula: Trying to contain water in a paper bag

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ursula: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ursula: My husband took me out to dinner on my birthday, and after the cake and presents, he asked for a divorce. He did it in the presence of a man we both respect and trust. I should have known something was off because I did not understand why it was just the three of us without the children.

DBM: Did you see this coming?

Ursula: Not at all, because we have a beautiful relationship. I agree that the time we get to spend alone together is sometimes, inadequate. This is mainly because we both have got demanding jobs to do, we have a home to run and two children to raise.

DBM: This is tough.

Ursula: On our way back home, I asked what was going on with him and he said, ‘it’s for your own good.’ If it’s for my own good, tell me what the problem is so I determine whether or not it’s in my best interest. He went silent on me and just drove the car.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Ursula: I will not accept a divorce

DBM: You know he is not asking for a divorce, right? He is explicitly telling you that a divorce is going to happen, whether or not you like it. He does not need your permission.

Ursula: This is so unfair. I have done nothing wrong to him. Why should he start the legal process without giving me an explanation?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ursula: 19 years

DBM: How old are the kids?

Ursula: They are both teenagers

DBM: Hmmm!

Ursula: I am so angry and extremely upset

DBM: At this point, you have no choice but to allow his decision to sink in, while respecting it. You need to renew your mind and heart, and give yourself some time to grieve

Ursula: I am shocked, but I know that lost love can be salvaged

DBM: He said he doesn’t love you anymore?

Ursula: He has not given his reasons. Dave, we were having frequent sex; enjoyable sex. He knows that I am willing to do anything he wants for our marriage to be successful. I will do anything for him to be happy

DBM: Sometimes, very little can be done to keep or lose a man

Ursula: I want my marriage to continue

DBM: The man he brought along to your birth-date dinner, what was his take on your husband’s decision?

Ursula: He kept telling me it was for my own good. He also said my husband isn’t happy in the marriage, which I do not believe. They’ve been talking behind me, but I know my husband loves me. Something is just off. Assuming he is even unhappy, does it have to end in divorce? I am willing to save my marriage

DBM: I admire your desire

Ursula: He will come around

DBM: I hope he does

Ursula: We met on a flight to London. My seat was next to his. He was by the window and I wanted to sit by the window so bad, I couldn’t stop wishing in my head we made an exchange. Before we took off, he asked if I wouldn’t mind exchanging seats with him. Those were his first words to me, and they met a need. I asked his name, told him mine and then, started to talk. Before landing in London, I was sure where I stood with him. He did not shy away from discussing his interest in me. We were both single.

DBM: What happened in London?

Ursula: He was there to work. I was there to school. We went on several dates and enjoyed being with each other. It was a satisfying relationship because we weren’t putting in so much effort to make a relationship happen. We were just happy together as friends who liked each other. Easy-fun-friendly love affair; something like that. Two years on, it dawned on me, out of the blue, that he has been the only man in my life who was sensitive to my needs and feelings.

DBM: Explain his sensitivity to your needs and feelings

Ursula: He ensured I was well taken care of while in school. He was happy whenever I was happy. I could be my true, authentic self around him and not fret about acceptance. His energy was positive, and so was his support for me. We had a strong friendship then and now. Him as a boyfriend then spent all his free time with me. My husband spends all his free time with me. Dave, imagine having someone in your life whose sole purpose is to make everything more pleasant and enjoyable when they’re around you. That is the kind of man asking me for a divorce. I can’t, I won’t.

DBM: You need to be the mature one to show him kindness and a loving memory of you. Because at the moment, you’re the only one interested in the marriage. Refusing to understand why he wants out wouldn’t make him fall in love with you any quicker.

Ursula: I still don’t know why he wants a divorce. That’s why I am anxious and mad as hell. What would you have done differently?

DBM: I don’t know; but I am naturally a calm person, so I am certain I would be calm about it.

Ursula: Even without an explanation?

DBM: Even without an explanation – I know I will give him space

Ursula: Why would you give him space?

DBM: Distance can also make the heart grow fonder. I know, it’s cliché but it does quiet when things tend to feel out of control in life

Ursula: What if giving him space gives him room to be with another woman?

DBM: I will still put up a front and go about my normal routine. Don’t beg him; don’t yell at him. Do not give him attitude nor chase after him. Let him be while you put the spotlight on you. Look good, feel good, make yourself happy and alive till he notices you or at best, starts to miss you

Ursula: What if he doesn’t notice me?

DBM: If he doesn’t, then at least you would have noticed your own efforts in handling yourself the best way possible

Ursula: I can never understand you men. Do you guys even know what you want?

DBM: Your husband knows what he wants at this time in his life. A man’s needs changes as he grows, while his relationship evolves. What a man needs today may not be what he wants tomorrow.

Ursula: Same with women, Dave

DBM: I know

Ursula: I don’t know if you understand how much I love my husband?

DBM: I believe you love you husband, and it’s a good thing. However, do not lose yourself in the process of wanting him in your life, so-much-so that you forget you are equally an amazing woman worth keeping by someone who actually wants to be with you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

 

Let’s Talk To Akorfa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 91: Akorfa De Sweetest

DBM: Hi Akorfa. How would you describe yourself?

Akorfa: I am a woman with drive, energy and determination. I am friendly, intelligent and educated. I am grounded and secure in myself. I can be relied upon. I am a lawyer

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Akorfa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Akorfa: I am in a really good relationship with my man. He loves me to the extent that, there would be moments in my daily activities that makes me stop, reflect, smile, shake my head and realize how much he means to me. He has a silly way of laughing when I tickle him. The look in his eyes when he kisses me in bed with a smile on his face; my boyfriend is there for me all the time. A whole new world opened for me when I listened to his advice to apply to Law School. When I wasn’t sure I could get in, I received an offer to attend law school. I was not prepared for what that pursuit could throw at me, but he was; he was the first man to make me think of my time in school as a job. And he helped me to put in the hours till I was called to the bar. He hasn’t stopped loving me that way till date. I don’t know if you get the picture?

DBM: Crystal

Akorfa: But he doesn’t believe in marriage

DBM: Do you believe in marriage?

Akorfa: I do

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Akorfa: Six and a half years oooh

DBM: What profession is he into?

Akorfa: He is an Actuary

DBM: How old are you?

Akorfa: 32

DBM: How old is he?

Akorfa: 37

DBM: Do you know why he doesn’t believe in marriage?

Akorfa: He says it’s just a status signed on a piece of paper. His parents divorced when he was 14. His sister recently divorced. He doesn’t see anything special about getting married.

DBM: Tying the knot can become a frightening proposition for people whose parents divorced

Akorfa: I don’t think my guy is scared of marriage. He just doesn’t want to do it

DBM: From his actions and everything else, do you see him to be the type that would be willing to at least, consider marrying you down the road?

Akorfa: No! Even though he’s willing for us to grow together as a couple

DBM: ‘Grow together’ as in, have kids, live together, etc.?

Akorfa: Yes!

DBM: Why is it important for you to do the whole ring thing?

Akorfa: Marriage is a life-long commitment to me. It’s a love-something that I can trust to be there for me, and never leave nor forsake me. It is through marriage that I will be convinced I have a life partner in my beau, a teammate. I want to have a strong family with children through marriage.

DBM: And, you’ve shared these reasons with him, no?

Akorfa: I have, but he still doesn’t see himself getting married.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Akorfa: I can’t force him

DBM: No, you can’t! Attempting to directly or indirectly force him to change his stance on the subject can be a recipe for your relationship’s failure.

Akorfa: I know

DBM: Then you also know that you can genuinely, be in a healthy relationship with someone who adores you for you, even though he may never want to settle down in a marriage?

Akorfa: I know, but marriage is important to me

DBM: And an option for him. Question is, how do you both come to a consensus to respect each other’s opinions and desires?

Akorfa: I don’t know. I don’t want to live with a man and raise our kids outside of marriage

DBM: I am guessing you two are having sex?

Akorfa: We are

DBM: And, he’s that much into you?

Akorfa: He is, very much.

DBM: Think of his decision from this angle, he is in love with, and committed to you. He does almost all the things expected to be done to have a meaningful and strong relationship. You’ve given him everything inside and out of you without the commitment of a marriage. What something new is there to be discovered about you? Why should he need rings and a certificate to prove his love for you?

Akorfa: I understand all that, but marriage is not just about rings and a piece of paper; it’s about our families coming together, asking for my hand and gaining the trust and blessings from my family.

DBM: But you will agree you have made it way easier and also placed him in a comfortable lead, not to be married to you?

Akorfa: Maybe, maybe not

DBM: Are you certain you are the woman for him?

Akorfa: I am, Dave. His heartbeat.

DBM: Is he truly the man for you? Because if he were, he would have known what is important to you

Akorfa: I don’t know anyone else out there like him

DBM: How many out there have you dated?

Akorfa: A few. That’s why I know a good man is hard to find these days. I am not ready to go searching for a man all over again

DBM: How do you feel right now in the relationship?

Akorfa: Happy and stuck with anxiety

DBM: Generally, I would feel stuck in a moment when I suddenly begin to assume I should be something else that I clearly am not. You’re thinking your relationship status ought to be different than what it is, even though he makes you happy. He does not want to be married. Can you breathe a deep sigh of relief while focusing on the now instead?

Akorfa: How about WHAT I WANT?

DBM: You have done what you can with what you have. Go easy on yourself and let things be

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