Tag: Love

Let’s Talk To Coffie

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 99: Coffie

DBM: Hi Coffie. How would you describe yourself?

Coffie: I try not to cross the line of being inappropriate. I’m a gentleman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Coffie: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Coffie: I smoke cannabis every day before going to bed, because it relaxes my nerves. I cannot do without dope, also because it puts me in the mood for sex. I love sex; every woman I have been with orgasms satisfactorily because the weed increases my sex drive. Pot alters my sexual libido to do more rounds of sex when I am high. Even though my girlfriend testifies to the amplified pleasurable sensations that arises in her when I am high on marijuana, she doesn’t like the fact that I smoke weed. She wants me to quit smoking; something I don’t think I can do.

DBM: How old are you?

Coffie: 39

DBM: And, for how long have you been smoking weed?

Coffie: Since I was in SSS 2. A few of my friends were into it, and I became curious and later wanted to experiment. Initially, it was just for the fun of it but I got to realize it was a stress reliever. I could manage my emotions and moods, cope with depression and anxiety; it helped me feel good, forgetting all of my worries. I could sleep better, analyze situations from a higher perspective and it takes away boredom

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Coffie: I am a Petroleum Engineer

DBM: How long have you and your woman been an item?

Coffie: Two years

DBM: She’s known you to be smoking all this while?

Coffie: Yes. I was actually blowing off steam in my car the first time she walked up to me

DBM: Why does she wants you to stop?

Coffie: I usually keep my smoking habits discrete and can carry on through my daily activities without smelling like dope. Her family invited us to dinner, and I think the smell of the weed smoke had clinged on my skin and shirt. Her dad and brothers got the hint and they weren’t in favor of our relationship before I could even introduce myself to them.

DBM: I hate the smell of weed. I would not have liked you either

Coffie: But Dave, my favorite flower has different aromas. Do you know about that?

DBM: I don’t!

Coffie: It depends on the strain; however, I will not dispute the fact that, some can be dramatically strong

DBM: How much weed had you smoked prior to the family dinner?

Coffie: Just two rolls, nothing major

DBM: I see

Coffie: My girlfriend wants me to either stop smoking or lose her

DBM: That’s easy, no?

Coffie: Easy how?

DBM: You’re going to stop smoking because you love her

Coffie: I love her, but I don’t want to feel pressured by a woman who is using my love for her to make an uncomfortable decision that does not align with my desires and beliefs.

DBM: You think she’s trying to control you by making such a request?

Coffie: She’s already been denying me sex, because I’m still smoking. I find her recent attitude towards me to be manipulative. Boss, I don’t treat her bad, I don’t chase after other women when I am in a relationship. I am aroused when I am high and my woman is the only person I think about. Why is she threatening to leave me because I won’t stop smoking?

DBM: Why do you love her?

Coffie: She’s sincere, and I love waking up next to her every morning. I want her in my future because she has an awesome body and enormous arse; we’ve made good memories and I get amazed when she doesn’t know how beautiful she is. She’s very gentle and kind, smart and sometimes, humorous. Her car is always messy and would argue with me if I try to clean it. I love those little arguments with her. A few things about her that I admire; her smile, laughter, energy, enthusiasm. She’s my close to flawless.

DBM: Did she give her reasons as to why she doesn’t want you to be smoking weed anymore?

Coffie: No! And I don’t want to carry any resentment towards her due to this disagreement

DBM: Prior to the family dinner, was she okay with your smoking habit?

Coffie: No, but she wasn’t making an issue out of it. She understood this was me. Now, I am stuck with what to do.

DBM: Do you see yourself giving up smoking any time soon?

Coffie: Dave, if I did not give it up as a teenager to stay in parents’ house, what makes you think I would now? I don’t do alcohol. I don’t do tobacco. I don’t chase women. Why should I give up the one thing that keeps me on my toes to work hard for my money?

DBM: You will choose weed over the love of your life?

Coffie: My simple rule in life is that, if a woman can ask me to choose between something I enjoy and her, then she’s already making the choice easier for me. Because I will never put someone I care about in that position of choosing

DBM: Is smoking it the only way you can take it?

Coffie: No, but smoking it is my favorite. I vape it sometimes. When I am at work, I eat or just drink the grass.

DBM: Don’t you think part of her concerns could be, marijuana being addictive and harmful to your health?

Coffie: It does not affect me in a bad way. I am fine

DBM: You are certain it does not affect productivity at work?

Coffie: I don’t get high at work. My body is accustomed to the amount I take at work. The effects wear off in seconds. I am always sober during working hours

DBM: Hmmm!

Coffie: Dave, I know what I want in life. I know what I want to do with my life. I know the name of the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know my final destination ahead of time; that is why I am making the choices I make and taking these little, necessary steps to get me there. People who may not understand me may see my choices to be bad, but my ‘bad’ choices are also bringing me to the right places and people.

DBM: Does your girlfriend follow my Facebook platform?

Coffie: I don’t know

DBM: This is what I can suggest, I will let you have the last word to tell her something. When I publish our chat on my blog, I will send you the link so you send it to her to read. Cool?

Coffie: That is also a good idea

DBM: You have the last word

Coffie: Matilda, have a little faith and trust in our process. It’s just you and me in this, remember? Just as I allow you to be yourself in the relationship, can you allow me to be myself too? I don’t feel comfortable changing who I am to fit into your family’s ideals of who the right man for you should be. You are fervently religious and I am not, yet we’ve always found a common ground to be happy. We’ve both made sacrifices because we truly love what we have and like each other very much. I don’t think we are too different to allow whatever is causing this friction between us to eat away our faith in love. I love you, and I want to be able to express this feeling without being judged. Please allow me to be my true self around you and let’s have an interesting relationship. I am available tonight to discuss your expectations and boundaries, and any other ways we feel we can be of support to one another. I don’t want our differences to cause any more issues in the relationship.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Bubune

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 98: I’m Bubune

DBM: Hello Bubune. How would you describe yourself?

Bubune: Born-again husband

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Bubune: Eight out of 10

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Bubune: I was 29 years old when I married my wife. I did not love her as at that time because I wasn’t ready for love. In hindsight, I would say I was marrying a wife while I still had other girls on my mind. I wasn’t secure in the woman I was marrying; I wasn’t satisfied when we settled for the honeymoon. I knew she loved me more than I liked her because it was supposed to be casual sex with no strings attached. But she got pregnant, and her dad being the Area Head of their church, decided we got married. Abortion was off the table. A wedding was planned in less than three months, and part of our package was to travel outside Ghana, a week after the wedding.

DBM: How did you two know each other?

Bubune: My dad is also a retired Apostle. Our parents were friends

DBM: Okay?

Bubune: When we left the shores of Ghana, I was all my wife had. She doesn’t make friends easily, and she couldn’t relate to my kinds of friends either. Here I was with a woman I did not love and feared hurting her feelings because she would have been devastated.

DBM: Why were you having sex with her – if you did not like her?

Bubune: You mean before marriage?

DBM: Yes

Bubune: She wanted to try sex for the first time. I was one of the few friends she had and could talk to about it. Our friendship wasn’t that tight but she knew she could trust me.

DBM: How old was she?

Bubune: 23 or 24. She knew I did not love her, even on our wedding day, because I had a serious girlfriend – though I was exploring outside the relationship with other girls.

DBM: Yeah, a woman knows when you are not that much into her. She will know when you are not excited about her; when you do not miss or want her; when you do not see a future together with her in it

Bubune: Unfortunately, she did not mind being stuck with me

DBM: Her reasons being?

Bubune: Initially, she thought dependability and monetary refuge could make up for love. I had a good paying job in Canada, and was living the life. She also had the nerve, sanguinity and a hefty amount of hope in her future with me. She told me once, ‘you will learn how to love me one day.’

DBM: Were you her first boyfriend?

Bubune: I think so. She was a virgin when we had sex

DBM: ‘You will learn how to love me one day’. Did you?

Bubune: I did

DBM: At what point did you start realizing it?

Bubune: My text messages with her started putting smiles on my face for no apparent reason. There were no butterflies in my stomach, or anything. All I know is, I could trust her, and tell her everything. I could tell her about the women I was hooking up with, the sex-gone-bad a day or night before; the new girl I thought I was falling in love with or flirting with me, etc.

DBM: Interesting. She wasn’t peeved or jealous?

Bubune: She probably was but I think she denied her feelings of rage and jealousy. She could make fun of me or be cynical to the extent that, I rather begun assuming she didn’t care about me anymore.

DBM: Was how she felt about you significant?

Bubune: I thought it wasn’t till it was

DBM: How did that thought make you feel?

Bubune: Worried and sad. I had hit rock-bottom because her behavior kept me guessing and wanting her not to leave me hanging. She could be aloof and holding back on her true feelings when I was being foolish with other women. It got to a point; I would intentionally have an affair or flirt with ladies for her to see – just to get a reaction, but she wouldn’t show any. She would act normal and encourage me to do what makes me happy.

DBM: Were you happy doing all that?

Bubune: I was lonely, honestly

DBM: You couldn’t have been lonely; you had the affection and attention of others, no?

Bubune: Yeah, but not that of my wife’s. She had lost the interest she used to have in me. And she looked happier

DBM: I’d rather be alone than to be lonely

Bubune: I didn’t want to be alone, and I didn’t want to be lonely

DBM: So, what did you do?

Bubune: I had to change and build attraction. My wife needed convincing so I became better at getting her attracted to how good I could make her feel.

DBM: You build on a love relationship; you don’t just find one

Bubune: Fact! I started respecting her as my wife and gave her all of my attention. I heard her when she spoke, and I made attempts to understand her concerns. I became very supportive, and invested in her interests and passions. I learnt about them and could stimulate her mind. I took notice of where I stood in her life and our marriage and showed up in my best self. I started having a positive outlook on life in general, and I was happy about it and even proud of myself.

DBM: Vulnerability sometimes involves, offering someone your whole truth without them asking for it

Bubune: I was vulnerable enough to re-align my priorities and self. I recognized where I had gone wrong with my wife, and I made the efforts to make it right by her

DBM: Did she see the effort you were putting into reaching her?

Bubune: She did

DBM: How do you feel about your wife right now?

Bubune: My wife wants me to be for her, so I cheer really hard now. I love her so dearly, I want to continually honor and serve her, give off my best to inspire her and never cease praying for our happiness together as a unit.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Bubune: 26 years

DBM: Oh, wow!

Bubune: Seven out of those years, I did not consider her feelings. I lied and lived a selfish life. And it wasn’t just a fleeting lapse in my judgement

DBM: There are a ton of husbands out there biting the dust with blurred lines in their marriages. What would you tell a wife who is finding it difficult to recover from the pain of betrayal?

Bubune: Every wound has its own way of healing. Heal at your own pace and forgive your husband if he is deserving of your forgiveness. If he keeps showing you that he never really is with you on the journey, do not spend the rest of your life with him. Go solo

Image Credit: Rdne Stock Project

Let’s Talk To Ursula

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 96: Ursula

DBM: Hello Ursula. How would you describe yourself?

Ursula: Trying to contain water in a paper bag

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ursula: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ursula: My husband took me out to dinner on my birthday, and after the cake and presents, he asked for a divorce. He did it in the presence of a man we both respect and trust. I should have known something was off because I did not understand why it was just the three of us without the children.

DBM: Did you see this coming?

Ursula: Not at all, because we have a beautiful relationship. I agree that the time we get to spend alone together is sometimes, inadequate. This is mainly because we both have got demanding jobs to do, we have a home to run and two children to raise.

DBM: This is tough.

Ursula: On our way back home, I asked what was going on with him and he said, ‘it’s for your own good.’ If it’s for my own good, tell me what the problem is so I determine whether or not it’s in my best interest. He went silent on me and just drove the car.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Ursula: I will not accept a divorce

DBM: You know he is not asking for a divorce, right? He is explicitly telling you that a divorce is going to happen, whether or not you like it. He does not need your permission.

Ursula: This is so unfair. I have done nothing wrong to him. Why should he start the legal process without giving me an explanation?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ursula: 19 years

DBM: How old are the kids?

Ursula: They are both teenagers

DBM: Hmmm!

Ursula: I am so angry and extremely upset

DBM: At this point, you have no choice but to allow his decision to sink in, while respecting it. You need to renew your mind and heart, and give yourself some time to grieve

Ursula: I am shocked, but I know that lost love can be salvaged

DBM: He said he doesn’t love you anymore?

Ursula: He has not given his reasons. Dave, we were having frequent sex; enjoyable sex. He knows that I am willing to do anything he wants for our marriage to be successful. I will do anything for him to be happy

DBM: Sometimes, very little can be done to keep or lose a man

Ursula: I want my marriage to continue

DBM: The man he brought along to your birth-date dinner, what was his take on your husband’s decision?

Ursula: He kept telling me it was for my own good. He also said my husband isn’t happy in the marriage, which I do not believe. They’ve been talking behind me, but I know my husband loves me. Something is just off. Assuming he is even unhappy, does it have to end in divorce? I am willing to save my marriage

DBM: I admire your desire

Ursula: He will come around

DBM: I hope he does

Ursula: We met on a flight to London. My seat was next to his. He was by the window and I wanted to sit by the window so bad, I couldn’t stop wishing in my head we made an exchange. Before we took off, he asked if I wouldn’t mind exchanging seats with him. Those were his first words to me, and they met a need. I asked his name, told him mine and then, started to talk. Before landing in London, I was sure where I stood with him. He did not shy away from discussing his interest in me. We were both single.

DBM: What happened in London?

Ursula: He was there to work. I was there to school. We went on several dates and enjoyed being with each other. It was a satisfying relationship because we weren’t putting in so much effort to make a relationship happen. We were just happy together as friends who liked each other. Easy-fun-friendly love affair; something like that. Two years on, it dawned on me, out of the blue, that he has been the only man in my life who was sensitive to my needs and feelings.

DBM: Explain his sensitivity to your needs and feelings

Ursula: He ensured I was well taken care of while in school. He was happy whenever I was happy. I could be my true, authentic self around him and not fret about acceptance. His energy was positive, and so was his support for me. We had a strong friendship then and now. Him as a boyfriend then spent all his free time with me. My husband spends all his free time with me. Dave, imagine having someone in your life whose sole purpose is to make everything more pleasant and enjoyable when they’re around you. That is the kind of man asking me for a divorce. I can’t, I won’t.

DBM: You need to be the mature one to show him kindness and a loving memory of you. Because at the moment, you’re the only one interested in the marriage. Refusing to understand why he wants out wouldn’t make him fall in love with you any quicker.

Ursula: I still don’t know why he wants a divorce. That’s why I am anxious and mad as hell. What would you have done differently?

DBM: I don’t know; but I am naturally a calm person, so I am certain I would be calm about it.

Ursula: Even without an explanation?

DBM: Even without an explanation – I know I will give him space

Ursula: Why would you give him space?

DBM: Distance can also make the heart grow fonder. I know, it’s cliché but it does quiet when things tend to feel out of control in life

Ursula: What if giving him space gives him room to be with another woman?

DBM: I will still put up a front and go about my normal routine. Don’t beg him; don’t yell at him. Do not give him attitude nor chase after him. Let him be while you put the spotlight on you. Look good, feel good, make yourself happy and alive till he notices you or at best, starts to miss you

Ursula: What if he doesn’t notice me?

DBM: If he doesn’t, then at least you would have noticed your own efforts in handling yourself the best way possible

Ursula: I can never understand you men. Do you guys even know what you want?

DBM: Your husband knows what he wants at this time in his life. A man’s needs changes as he grows, while his relationship evolves. What a man needs today may not be what he wants tomorrow.

Ursula: Same with women, Dave

DBM: I know

Ursula: I don’t know if you understand how much I love my husband?

DBM: I believe you love you husband, and it’s a good thing. However, do not lose yourself in the process of wanting him in your life, so-much-so that you forget you are equally an amazing woman worth keeping by someone who actually wants to be with you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

 

Let’s Talk To Akorfa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 91: Akorfa De Sweetest

DBM: Hi Akorfa. How would you describe yourself?

Akorfa: I am a woman with drive, energy and determination. I am friendly, intelligent and educated. I am grounded and secure in myself. I can be relied upon. I am a lawyer

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Akorfa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Akorfa: I am in a really good relationship with my man. He loves me to the extent that, there would be moments in my daily activities that makes me stop, reflect, smile, shake my head and realize how much he means to me. He has a silly way of laughing when I tickle him. The look in his eyes when he kisses me in bed with a smile on his face; my boyfriend is there for me all the time. A whole new world opened for me when I listened to his advice to apply to Law School. When I wasn’t sure I could get in, I received an offer to attend law school. I was not prepared for what that pursuit could throw at me, but he was; he was the first man to make me think of my time in school as a job. And he helped me to put in the hours till I was called to the bar. He hasn’t stopped loving me that way till date. I don’t know if you get the picture?

DBM: Crystal

Akorfa: But he doesn’t believe in marriage

DBM: Do you believe in marriage?

Akorfa: I do

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Akorfa: Six and a half years oooh

DBM: What profession is he into?

Akorfa: He is an Actuary

DBM: How old are you?

Akorfa: 32

DBM: How old is he?

Akorfa: 37

DBM: Do you know why he doesn’t believe in marriage?

Akorfa: He says it’s just a status signed on a piece of paper. His parents divorced when he was 14. His sister recently divorced. He doesn’t see anything special about getting married.

DBM: Tying the knot can become a frightening proposition for people whose parents divorced

Akorfa: I don’t think my guy is scared of marriage. He just doesn’t want to do it

DBM: From his actions and everything else, do you see him to be the type that would be willing to at least, consider marrying you down the road?

Akorfa: No! Even though he’s willing for us to grow together as a couple

DBM: ‘Grow together’ as in, have kids, live together, etc.?

Akorfa: Yes!

DBM: Why is it important for you to do the whole ring thing?

Akorfa: Marriage is a life-long commitment to me. It’s a love-something that I can trust to be there for me, and never leave nor forsake me. It is through marriage that I will be convinced I have a life partner in my beau, a teammate. I want to have a strong family with children through marriage.

DBM: And, you’ve shared these reasons with him, no?

Akorfa: I have, but he still doesn’t see himself getting married.

DBM: What are you going to do?

Akorfa: I can’t force him

DBM: No, you can’t! Attempting to directly or indirectly force him to change his stance on the subject can be a recipe for your relationship’s failure.

Akorfa: I know

DBM: Then you also know that you can genuinely, be in a healthy relationship with someone who adores you for you, even though he may never want to settle down in a marriage?

Akorfa: I know, but marriage is important to me

DBM: And an option for him. Question is, how do you both come to a consensus to respect each other’s opinions and desires?

Akorfa: I don’t know. I don’t want to live with a man and raise our kids outside of marriage

DBM: I am guessing you two are having sex?

Akorfa: We are

DBM: And, he’s that much into you?

Akorfa: He is, very much.

DBM: Think of his decision from this angle, he is in love with, and committed to you. He does almost all the things expected to be done to have a meaningful and strong relationship. You’ve given him everything inside and out of you without the commitment of a marriage. What something new is there to be discovered about you? Why should he need rings and a certificate to prove his love for you?

Akorfa: I understand all that, but marriage is not just about rings and a piece of paper; it’s about our families coming together, asking for my hand and gaining the trust and blessings from my family.

DBM: But you will agree you have made it way easier and also placed him in a comfortable lead, not to be married to you?

Akorfa: Maybe, maybe not

DBM: Are you certain you are the woman for him?

Akorfa: I am, Dave. His heartbeat.

DBM: Is he truly the man for you? Because if he were, he would have known what is important to you

Akorfa: I don’t know anyone else out there like him

DBM: How many out there have you dated?

Akorfa: A few. That’s why I know a good man is hard to find these days. I am not ready to go searching for a man all over again

DBM: How do you feel right now in the relationship?

Akorfa: Happy and stuck with anxiety

DBM: Generally, I would feel stuck in a moment when I suddenly begin to assume I should be something else that I clearly am not. You’re thinking your relationship status ought to be different than what it is, even though he makes you happy. He does not want to be married. Can you breathe a deep sigh of relief while focusing on the now instead?

Akorfa: How about WHAT I WANT?

DBM: You have done what you can with what you have. Go easy on yourself and let things be

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Freja

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 87: Freja

DBM: Hi Freja. How would you describe yourself?

Freja: I will describe myself as… a lover of long baths and showers. And if the water is slightly hot, I wouldn’t mind staying under it for as long as possible.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Freja: I could be 5 or 6 today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Freja: I feel like I am grief-stricken because the man I want to be with has been imprisoned, and the pain of loneliness is killing me every day. It doesn’t seem to go away. I can’t stop myself from counting the days until his release.

DBM: How many days to his release?

Freja: 1461

DBM: That’s like what, four years?

Freja: Yeah!

DBM: What is he in for?

Freja: Misappropriating company funds. But he is innocent.

DBM: How much money did he embezzle?

Freja: He was falsely accused by his employer

DBM: How long has he served thus far in incarceration?

Freja: A year

DBM: How old is he?

Freja: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Freja: 34

DBM: And, how long have you two been together?

Freja: We had done three years before prison. I am constantly being reminded of his absence in my life and it’s so difficult for me.

DBM: What do you miss about him?

Freja: I miss how he is always himself and comfortable being a man around me. I miss his wisdom, kindness, his confidence and haughtiness. He hardly would blame situations and circumstances. I miss his sense of humor, I miss how he can quench my thirst in bed, with all the passion and warmth. I miss his love for me in action.

DBM: He sounds like a good heart

Freja: He is a good man

DBM: How often do you get to see/visit him in prison?

Freja: Once or twice a month

DBM: And, how is he doing?

Freja: He’s fine but it’s not the same. He is so far away from me that, everything we used to do together and loved, is now on hold. Each day that passes gets harder.

DBM: Does he feel the same when you visit him?

Freja: I should think so. He doesn’t talk about it. The energy I expect to receive from him is not what is shared. I’ve been very depressed, to be honest.

DBM: He’s also dealing with a lot. Prison is an uncomfortable environment he’s found himself in.

Freja: The other disturbing issue is that, one of the prison officers whom I have befriended, and have been persuading with money to take good care of my boyfriend told me on my last visit, my boyfriend’s other girlfriend has been bringing him food and other stuff. Initially, I thought she was one of his sisters but the name he showed me wasn’t his family. And the capacity in which she visits is his girlfriend.

DBM: Does this surprise you?

Freja: Very much. I thought I was his only girl.

DBM: Did you confront your man?

Freja: I did. He denied

DBM: So, you let it go?

Freja: No! I told him the source of the information, and also, mentioned the name of the woman

DBM: Why do you think he felt the need to lie to you instead of telling the truth?

Freja: I don’t know

DBM: If a man lies about a small thing, he will also lie about something way bigger

Freja: I have decided not to visit him again

DBM: You told him that?

Freja: No! But I made the decision when I got home

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Freja: I am very angry, and I feel betrayed. I am completely heartbroken, and doubt if I can ever trust him again.

DBM: It is rather unfortunate but the truth is, a lot of the time, men cheat and try to hide it for as long as possible to prevent you from feeling this way about them

Freja: It’s not fair

DBM: I know. Everything happens for a reason. If he hadn’t been locked up, you probably would never have found out.

Freja: I still love him

DBM: I can imagine

Freja: I am not sure about the next step to take from here

DBM: You will discover more about the woman that you are with time, and come into the understanding of what you want for you. If there are any changes worth making to enable you keep up with all that is happening around and within you, you would.

Freja: Do you think he’s going to choose me after he is released?

DBM: I think women ought to find their own strengths to decide on when to let go, and then, do it.

Freja: But I can’t get him out of my mind like that. We have a history

DBM: What really is your fear?

Freja: All the men I dated and loved in the past left me for other girls, even when my feelings for them hadn’t changed. What if I don’t find a man who will love me?

DBM: Do you reside in your past?

Freja: My past is part of my life’s story

DBM: But, do you live there?

Freja: No!

DBM: Exactly! What others did to you then isn’t what every man would do to you in the future.

Freja: I thought my current guy was my future. Look at what’s happening

DBM: What he did does not explain the actions of all men. Holding on to these memories that clearly hurt your feelings means allowing them, consciously or unconsciously to become a part of what you believe about yourself. Do you really think you are not good enough for someone who is good enough for you?

Freja: I am good enough

DBM: There was a time it was raining heavily at Spintex, while on the phone with a friend who lives in Tema. He asked if it was raining where I was because he could hear downpour, and I said, ‘yes. Why, it’s not raining at your end?’ His response was, ‘no! the sun is still shining’. It does not rain everywhere. Do not let that foolish narrative work against you.

Freja: I feel trapped by my emotions. It’s all over the place

DBM: A man’s behavior and character is something you cannot control. Holding on to things you hate about him only causes you a great deal of suffering and unhappiness. It can stress you to the extent of keeping you from living and growing into your very best self and light. Do not be attached to what you do not like. Your happiness in life does not come from love and sex and men. True happiness comes from the knowledge of not suffering anymore.

Freja: Freedom

DBM: Freedom!

Image Credit: Yaroslav Shuraev

Let’s Talk To Israel

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 83: Israel is fine by me

DBM: Hi Israel. How would you describe yourself?

Israel: My friends say they can count on me at every turn. They also say I am good looking, funny and have a knack for making others feel good. I am a dreamer, goofy and a goal-chaser.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Israel: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Israel: I share a beautiful escapade with a friend that is arousing so many funny feelings in me. We weren’t supposed to fall in love but I find myself sharing even the slightest moments of my day-to-day with her. I am interested in her interests. It’s crazy to admit but I feel like a teenager again.

DBM: I am happy for you

Israel: Thanks, but not everyone in my camp is digging the idea. She is a single mother of two. I don’t have a child.

DBM: How old are you?

Israel: 35

DBM: How old is she?

Israel: 33

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Israel: Two years

DBM: How do you define the nature of your relationship?

Israel: Our agreement was to have really good sex. I care about her but we were not reliant on our affection. I did not feel answerable to her beyond friendship. It wasn’t frequent sex but it happened when it happened.

DBM: You get laid how many times in a week?

Israel: With her or in general?

DBM: With her

Israel: At least, twice a week

DBM: And in general?

Israel: Four or five times.

DBM: And, it was strictly sex?

Israel: That was the arrangement, and we made sure it wasn’t confused for something deeper. But it’s difficult now for me to get my head around it. I am literally fighting with my feelings and it’s stressing me out.

DBM: Warmth is a huge part of how men sometimes express love

Israel: She’s always on my mind

DBM: Because you want to keep the love alive

Israel: Do you think it’s love?

DBM: If I am consciously or unconsciously, staying in touch with an important part of me that craves physical contact, and I am that much into giving and receiving affection from this person who excites my point of view, then it’s definitely something worth looking into.

Israel: She’s introduced me to her children.

DBM: As her what?

Israel: Friend. Her children are very stubborn, but I like them

DBM: How old are they?

Israel: 11 and 9

DBM: Do you think her children are ready to see their mother with another man who isn’t their father?

Israel: They hug me when they see me. They talk to me on phone when I call their mother. I get along very well with them.

DBM: That’s good then

Israel: I have introduced her to my friends. They like her, as long as she doesn’t become my wife. But their opinions doesn’t count on this subject.

DBM: Smh!

Israel: I don’t know what she’s thinking. She has a busy life. Her job is demanding; mine too but she seems to believe the strictly sex hook-up and our friendship is what works best for her.

DBM: Meaning, you cannot tell whether or not she feels the same way towards you?

Israel: Yeah! She’s afraid of hurting the feelings of her children, so she stays single. They want their mother and father to be together.

DBM: Is she still interested in the guy?

Israel: No, but he wants to come back to her.

DBM: Have you dropped the L-bomb on her?

Israel: Not yet. I don’t know how to drop hints without being too forward.

DBM: What I know is, if I am developing genuine feelings for someone that I believe I care about, I would put it out there – for them to know exactly what is going on with me. Afterall, I have nothing to lose.

Israel: I care about this woman. I care about her children too.

DBM: Send her an admiration text.

Israel: Saying what precisely?

DBM: What’s her name?

Israel: Hannah

DBM: ‘Hannah, I think you are doing an incredible job with your kids. You just came to mind.’

Israel: I like it. Can I send it now?

DBM: If you want to. You stated earlier that your camp isn’t in agreement of her?

Israel: My friends think single-mothers come with a lot baggage. My mother will not be welcoming to the idea of a woman with two children. In fact, she’s been trying to convince me to date her friend’s daughter.

DBM: You may love Hannah to want to commit to her, but are you ready for a relationship like that?

Israel: Is anyone ever ready to jump into a serious relationship?

DBM: Well, one can always challenge themselves to become a man or woman worth loving, no?

Israel: I am worth loving

DBM: Question is, why Hannah?

Israel: Hannah, because I honestly cannot see myself finding anyone like her. I’ve lived a pretty adventurous life and I don’t want to lose the greatest thing that has ever happened to me by far.

DBM: Most of these single-mothers have a sense of fear when it comes to putting themselves out there, and basically, exposing their feelings with the hope of something positive in return.

Israel: I realized that about Hannah

DBM: I have a few friends like your woman, who open up to me about their lives, and so, I have a fair idea as to how they think and feel. These ladies often have been hurt or disappointed by their past relationships, thus, making them have a hard time trusting another man. Nonetheless, they say what’s on their minds as blunt as possible. They hardly would have the time to play any games with your mind. And I know they expect same from you.

Israel: It’s been good talking with you, Dave.

DBM: You’re welcome!

Image Credit: Rhema

Let’s Talk To Emefa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 82: Emefa

DBM: Hello Emefa. How would you describe yourself?

Emefa: I am a mother, and soon to be grandmother. Some of my close friends tell me that they feel better after talking to me. I am conscious of maintaining a clean and neat appearance. Lastly, I would say, I have a meaningful relationship with myself – which has been up and down, sometimes, sideways over the years. I change as a person when the people around me change. I change when circumstances around me change. I change as and when I want to change.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emefa: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emefa: I became a dowager in January, 2023. We were married for a good 32 years. It is still taking me time to process his death.

DBM: There are no words

Emefa: People try to say nice things to comfort me, but after they’ve left or ended their calls, I am left alone all over again to deal with my loss

DBM: Healing through moments like these comes slowly, but it does come.

Emefa: I guess

DBM: Has he been buried?

Emefa: Yes, weeks ago.

DBM: How did you meet your late husband?

Emefa: We ran into each other physically on the street one afternoon. I was going to buy food for lunch. He told me he had been writing letters to a strange P. O. Box address he saw in the newspaper, and the person had been writing back. They agreed on a date to meet on the street for the first time. She was supposed to be wearing a white and green outfit for easy identification because they didn’t know what the other looked like. Guess my favorite colors?

DBM: Green and white?

Emefa: With a pop of black in the mix. He says he noticed me in the crowd, from the opposite side of the road, in my white, green and black dress, and automatically assumed I was the lady he had been writing to. Looking back, my dress did stand out in the crowd. He jounced my shoulder while walking past me. I remember I turned and gave him a sarcastic look, and he had this confused expression on his face. I stopped walking and he approached me, smiling.

DBM: What did he say?

Emefa: ‘You have a beautiful presence’

DBM: Wait! Was he saying this to the stranger you, or the woman he had been writing letters to?

Emefa: He assumed I was his mystery lady. I thanked him for the compliment and went to buy my food. He followed me to the chop-bar, unknown to me. He bought food and came to sit next to my table. I have this habit of frequently glancing around a room to spot familiar faces. I did again this time, only to see him staring right at me.

DBM: You liked him?

Emefa: It felt uncomfortable to see him twice in 20 minutes. But he was very handsome. He had these really huge eyes. I am not talking about big; he had very huge eyes which almost seemed like they would pop out of his head.

DBM: Hehehe

Emefa: But they were at the same time attractive. I liked him a lot, yes.

DBM: Do you know whatever happened to the mystery lady?

Emefa: Yes, she wrote him back to say she got his letter from the post office very late. The date and time he proposed they met had passed by then.

DBM: Did he write back?

Emefa: I don’t think he did. We had started dating

DBM: I like the sound of that

Emefa: We had a lot of plans for the future together. He died too young

DBM: How many kids later?

Emefa: We had three together.

DBM: That’s nice

Emefa: And found out in January, that he has another son.

DBM: Huh?

Emefa: His other son is 26. My last child is 24

DBM: Is your last child a boy or girl?

Emefa: A boy. I have two daughters and a son.

DBM: How old are your girls?

Emefa: 30 and 28

DBM: Just this January?

Emefa: Sunday, 22nd January, 2023. Two days after my husband had passed, he showed up with his mother.

DBM: He is his son for real?

Emefa: He is. My husband had been taking care of him and his mother for the past 26 years. They had receipts, pictures, DNA results, and had been named in my husband’s will.

DBM: And, you did not know anything about this?

Emefa: I had no clue. I understand that a man has a responsibility to be a father to his child, but I am tremendously miffed and still dealing with the pain of the adultery he’s left me to battle with, alongside his death.

DBM: How is your heart and head managing through it all?

Emefa: I am not taking any major decisions about anything right now. Unfortunately, dead men don’t talk, so I want to see how everything is going to play out on its own merit. I signed on to this marriage thing as a lifelong commitment to my husband. And because I loved him so much, I tried to be the best for only him. I did not betray him by cheating on him. 32 years later, I can confidently say that I did my part. So, if what I gave is this memory he has left me with in return, then it’s all good.

DBM: How are your children taking the news of another brother?

Emefa: They are adults so they are allowing themselves time to navigate the intricacies of their father’s affair, the new brother and his mother – at their own pace.

DBM: Do you think they will build a relationship with their brother?

Emefa: My son, I know has been texting and calling him since the funeral. For my daughters, I hope they would eventually also get to know him.

DBM: Do you feel disappointed in your husband?

Emefa: I want to hold on to the beautiful memories we built together and leave this bad one behind. I want to keep retaining a positive outlook on life.

DBM: That’s fair. Do you see yourself getting married again?

Emefa: I will always love my husband. I will always have his love for me, but I will move on to something meaningful if I am to come across the right man interested in me.

DBM: You have the last word to say something to women

Emefa: A man is as hard to figure out as a woman. They can force themselves on your wavelength just to hide a bad deed. Pay attention to the intentions of the man you love. Some would be categorizing you as a soft touch and unconsciously, manipulate and play mind-games with you. Cut your losses and go if you catch him cheating. Because his behavior isn’t likely to stop. He will do it again, and again. I saw this firsthand after my husband’s death.

DBM: Your husband is not a representation of all men

Emefa: He was the perfect representation of men cheating on their wives. These men control their own narrative. Trusting their word that it won’t happen again is as true as you would want it to be.

Image Credit: Jackson David

Let’s Talk To Alexa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

This phone interview was engineered by the mother of Alexa. She wanted me to have a conversation with her daughter to know her mind. Alexa’s mother’s first husband was Pop. The union produced Joey and Toni. Her second marriage was to Alexa’s father, Nigel. Now, she’s divorced and engaged to her third guy, Charles. This phone interview between David Bondze-Mbir and Alexa was recorded, and has been transcribed verbatim for publication.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 81: I would say Alexa

DBM: Hi Alexa. How would you describe yourself?

Alexa: Kind, smart and a polite child

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Alexa: Errrm, probably 7 😀 Please don’t ask me why; I have no idea.

DBM: So, how would you describe your mum?

Alexa: Kind, respectful; I’m trying to figure out a word for someone who ‘stands out’ but I have no words – vibrant.

DBM: Oh my! Hehehe. How about your dad, how would you describe him?

Alexa: Errrm, strong; what’s like a word for like always working hard? Hardworking, busy… he’s very busy. Sometimes I feel bad to think he has anger issues. He’s like a shadow; he doesn’t like standing out like my mum

DBM: Tell me a little about your sisters

Alexa: Well… well. Hehehe. I was waiting for that. It’s going to take me a long time. Errrm, Joey, she’s sometimes bossy. And, she likes to run a lot, so I’d say sometimes energetic but she really does not like to take photos, neither does Toni. Errm, Toni, she’s strong. Joey is also strong, but she’s strong and … I’m thinking of words: polite to other people. And, she’s mean to me. Errm, yeah! But she’s sometimes kind to me.

DBM: Do you believe your parents love you?

Alexa: Well, yes. And, I really like remember, I think it was last night, I’m not sure. Last night or the night before, I said that my mommy likes Charles more than me. And now I know that mommy can’t love anyone else more than us. She can love someone else but not more than us. I know that my daddy loves me. Just that sometimes I think he doesn’t when he’s shouting at me. Pops I think loves me too. No one is leaving me

DBM: Have any of your friends’ parent gotten a divorce?

Alexa: Hehehe. Yes! Errm, Corey. Err Corey, she’s… Yeah, so her parents have gotten a divorce. They’re actually divorced and her mum is going out with another person. And she doesn’t call him dad. She calls her first dad, dad. I feel sad that my parents are getting a divorce because I don’t want them to split up. I fear that someday, my daddy will just leave us and I won’t see him. But my parents have promised me that we are all going to be staying together as one family.

DBM: Have you had nightmares about what’s going on between your parents?

Alexa: Nah, I haven’t had nightmares. Because I’m not that scared of it. But I feel I will in the future because I have heard other children do have nightmares after their parents’ divorce.

DBM: Will you let both parents know any time you get hurt at the thought of them not being together?

Alexa: Yes, because I know that mummy can fix it; mummy or daddy will help me when I am upset.

DBM: When you grow up, how would you want to see your own family? As in, your idea of the kind of family you would want to have when you grow up?

Alexa: I want to be rich. And I want to be famous, but I consider my family in future to be a very happy family; all of us living together happily, nothing sad. Sometimes arguing, because I know we will sometimes argue but we will have a good resolve, I know. Hehehe. Because me and my family have a lot of differences. But we are still family, no matter what.

DBM: Okay, that’s cool. How do you think your siblings are taking this whole decision your parents have made? Do you think they understand why mommy is no longer with your dad, and why she feels she’s happier now with someone else? Do you kids understand what is really going on? Has mom and dad sat you all down to explain what is going on, and why they feel they have to make such a decision?

Alexa: Errrm, that’s a lot of things you just asked. I understand it. I am not sure if my other sisters understand. I am pretty sure Joey understands it, but I will tell you one thing; I already knew about it before mommy told me. I was literally on her iPad doing my thing, and then I just wanted to look at some pictures of mommy. So, I went over to the photos, and I saw a letter, a Valentine card. And it said… errrm, I forgot. But then a few days later, I saw a picture of mommy and Charles, talking to each other. So, I was like, ‘hmmmm! I smell something fishy’. Hehehe. So then, I went to tell Toni. I told her, ‘I think mommy is going to marry a different man.’ When we figured out that she was going to divorce my father, errrm, Toni was like, ‘what the hell!’ I was correct. As in, I’ve never been correct in my whole entire life. It really was going to happen after all, and that was just a miracle to her. My sister was very surprised that I guessed right. And, I think my daddy was also thinking of someone else after their divorce; because when I am watching him, especially when he was with my mother, he was texting someone else. It was a girl. And they were exchanging love-heart emojis between themselves.

DBM: Wow! That’s very interesting. Okay, so if you could tell your mom and dad one thing, what would it be?

Alexa: Errrm, I’d say to daddy, I feel you are very jealous of Charles. And I’ve also noticed that he’s sad about it like I am, but it’s the best for mommy. Because if my mommy stays with my dad, she would be sad and probably, not happy. That will also not make daddy happy. And to my mommy, I’d say, ‘why did you make this decision?’Arrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhh! ‘Why did you make this decision?’ I am not saying mommy should leave Charles and go back to my daddy, but she can. Anyways, I am pretty sure that as long as we all stay happy, I am okay. Because I am happy. Yeah! I am okay that she’s in love with someone else, but I would prefer mommy and daddy not getting a divorce. If I had a magic wand, I would figure out a way to make everyone else happy. But I would try to figure out how to make the three of us, me, mommy and daddy very happy. I am not as happy as I was before their divorce. I know my daddy is not as happy as he was before the divorce. But my mommy is definitely happy. She likes Charles very much. She talks to him every single day. She likes talking to him. Is that obsession?

DBM: Lol! Please clarify this for me; do you understand the fact that because your mom and dad want to be happy, they cannot be together?

Alexa: Errrm, yes, I do understand. Mommy made the decision. I don’t know why daddy agreed to it. Errrm, I feel very disappointed in them. Especially in my dad for agreeing to a divorce. Bla… bla… bla. I know mom would not have been happy, but I can make her happy. Well, I cannot be her husband. But I don’t think she even needs a husband to be happy. It’s literally like saying, a woman needs money to be happy.

DBM: Thank you Alexa. How old are you?

Alexa: I am eight. I hope we would do this again, because it was really fun. I think mommy is now going to ask me a million questions. But thank you. I also want to say, I wish my middle sister, Toni loves me more, or show that she loves me more. Mummy keeps insisting Toni loves me very much but she does not always behave like she loves me.

Image Credit: Monstera

Let’s Talk To Ida

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 75: My name is Ida

DBM: Hi Ida! How would you describe yourself?

Ida: I am a passionate, down-to-earth lady, with a husband, children and a past.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ida: I am 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ida: As a young girl, I dreamt of being swept off my feet by a powerful man with deep pockets and love for me. I lean more towards wealthy men by default, no matter how ugly. In fact, a man with good money could bed me, because I am a desirable woman. I’ve been married to one such guy for the past 12 years, and I have a stable family life right now – though I know he has had continuous sexual relationships on the side.

DBM: Does this bother you?

Ida: Not at all.

DBM: Okay!

Ida: When it comes to love, I make it my own. 13 years ago, I loved three different men for different reasons. I was not sleeping with any them because I had friend-zoned them in a way. The one I was very much in love with was struggling financially. Unfortunately, he was the one who proposed marriage to me first. The response I had in my head was an overwhelming ‘No’, but I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking his heart just like that, and so I asked for time to think into his proposal. Okay, so I had this best girlfriend that I grew up with. She knew about the ins and outs of my dating life. I knew about hers too with other men. She had always believed the guy who proposed marriage to me first was a good man, and could make the perfect husband. She knew about the other rich men I was crushing on, and deeply cared about or admired in some way; she liked them for me but still preferred the struggling guy. Nine months passed and I hadn’t given him any response. I was waiting to see if the other two would step up and propose. Dave, I was at work one afternoon when I received a wedding invitation from my best friend; she and the guy who proposed to me first had set a date.

DBM: They were dating?

Ida: Apparently, she had told the guy I had two rich men on the side

DBM: You had two rich men on the side

Ida: But it wasn’t her place to tell; especially after knowing how much I cared about him.

DBM: Were you ever going to consider his proposal?

Ida: Dave, men are supposed to be providers. A broke man has no business marrying. I am not saying he has to be super wealthy; though, that wouldn’t hurt. A man with good financial aptitude can function at a certain level as a husband to his wife. That was the reason why I couldn’t accept his proposal then. I needed him to add some value to his manhood. A woman’s intuition can navigate through a man’s financial drive

DBM: What was his drive?

Ida: It was very low on appetite. I needed more to feel secure. Dave, life then was tough enough for me, and I wasn’t sure I could support a grown man.

DBM: Was he a lazy guy?

Ida: He wasn’t. He was very hardworking, though in-between jobs

DBM: Okay!

Ida: I cut all ties between me and them when the guy confirmed their engagement. Luckily for me, one of the rich guys asked for my hand in marriage, and the rest they say is history. Three weeks ago, I received a LinkedIn request to connect with him. Mind you, I have not spoken to this guy nor his wife since 2011. He asked for my number and called. He said he needed my help and wanted us to meet face to face. I suggested he passed by my office. When he entered and closed the door behind him, he starred me down without breaking eye contact. I couldn’t look away either, though I was very nervous. He walked straight to me, asked for a hug, and then kissed me with a lot of tongue. Something about that kiss froze time. Dave, it was hot, passionate, unexpected, and has stayed with me since he left.

DBM: What kind of help did he want?

Ida: He needed help to sort out his feelings.

DBM: What feelings?

Ida: He says I never left him.

DBM: What does that mean?

Ida: I don’t know!

DBM: What work does he do now?

Ida: Oh, he’s doing very well – I am impressed. He earns almost twice the amount I make a month. Dave, I make pretty good money

DBM: Prior to the kiss, did you have feelings for him?

Ida: I did. I do.

DBM: I see

Ida: To the extent of thinking of him fucking me while having sex with my husband

DBM: You love him that much?

Ida: “You never left me.” That’s what he said.

DBM: Awww!

Ida: He has three adorable children with his wife, and I know they are very happy together – because I’ve been checking them out on their progress over the years on Facebook.

DBM: My guess is, he’s been doing same

Ida: You think?

DBM: I can only speak from my experience when it comes to love and how it connects weirdly. You would be there minding your business, and then this sudden energetic, meaningful warmth would flash your thoughts about your beloved. Something about them that puts a smile on your face or heart for no reason. A minute or two later, you receive a text notification on phone from them, thinking about or missing on you.

Ida: I have never experienced that with my husband. He calls randomly to tell me he misses or loves me. I respond but it’s usually just to make him happy. I don’t feel it as he does.

DBM: If the bond between you and the other guy is genuine, then there is this bridge you two built in the past that still connects your love, joy and understanding of each other. My guess is, you both had been sending positive energy back and forth to each other, prior to your physical and emotional bond (kiss) in your office.

Ida: I never stopped loving him. I never got over him, and I am looking forward to meeting with him again.

DBM: Are you planning on meeting again?

Ida: This weekend

DBM: I see

Ida: I don’t know what I am doing. Can your followers on Facebook help me think through this before Saturday?

DBM: Love comes and goes, Ida. Love changes over time too. I know about some loves that nourished or weakened. Others too completely vanished, only to come back again, later on, for another round.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Frema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 72: I choose Frema

DBM: Hello Frema. How would you describe yourself?

Frema: I am a wife, mother and business woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Frema: I’m 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Frema: I think my husband committed a heinous crime a few years ago and he’s getting away with it because he thinks no one knows.

DBM: You think or you know?

Frema: I know

DBM: How do you know?

Frema: I found an old phone he hasn’t used in years stashed in one of his boxes. I bought a sim card from another network to use as my other number and found text messages between him and the husband of a friend, plotting the crime, and acknowledging execution of it.

DBM: I am tempted to ask about the nature of the crime but I don’t want to also get so much involved – if it’s what I’m thinking

Frema: It’s the gravest of all crimes, Dave.

DBM: For how long have you known about your husband’s crime?

Frema: Some months now, but I have been trying to act normal at home; like I don’t know anything. I don’t know if it’s working because it’s creating this friction between us. I am not able to freely love him like I used to. I am tensed sometimes, and would be reading into his every action around me.

DBM: Do you know anything about the victim?

Frema: Not much. All I have is a name in their conversation.

DBM: What is going through your mind right now?

Frema: From all indications, whatever happened, happened in the past. Should I be judging a man by his past actions?

DBM: By ‘past actions’, do you mean the crime or mistakes committed?

Frema: It’s one and the same or?

DBM: I do not think it’s the same. What’s your honest opinion about your husband’s character?

Frema: He has a dodgy character; no two-ways about that. But unfortunately for me, I had fallen in love with him – years before finding out all these. We have children together.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Frema: 40%. I’d say he cares about his children and their needs. He does his best for the home. I can’t take that fact away from him. He is a family man. But he’s also manipulated me into forgiving certain things he’s done outside the marriage to make me not trust him.

DBM: A crime is different from an affair. You can forgive an affair but there is no excuse for letting criminals run free

Frema: He is the father of my children. I cannot have him apprehended just like that. That’s the dilemma conflicting my thoughts

DBM: Who else knows about this secret?

Frema: The wife of the other man my husband plotted the crime with

DBM: Have you two discussed the way forward?

Frema: She’s been suggesting we confront our husbands with the text evidence

DBM: To activate their criminal instincts again or what? Will you two be in a safe space if you’re to confront them?

Frema: I don’t know!

DBM: Has she a copy of the texts?

Frema: No! She only read it on the phone when we met to discuss the issue. The phone is in my possession.

DBM: I see

Frema: Does the marriage vow include being loyal to a criminal? I love my husband though

DBM: If the crime is exactly what you’re indirectly painting to my mind’s eye, then I don’t think it’s wise to cover up for him.

Frema: What if he’s a changed man? We all deserve a second chance at life

DBM: The law, I understand is on your side if you do not tolerate his crime, be it past or present

Frema: What I am saying is, I cannot raise and provide for our children all by myself if he’s to be locked up.

DBM: I understand you

Frema: My concern is my friend. She’s still in shock and contemplating on reporting her husband to the authorities. Their marriage was already on a shaky ground, so you can imagine what this extra information is causing her to do. She’s told me she would be filing for divorce.

DBM: A husband’s past crime is a solid grounding for divorce. These were acts that you had no role or knowledge of till recently.

Frema: I want to protect my husband

DBM: I respect your decision

Frema: Dave, when you love someone, you’d do anything and everything possible to protect their best interest, even if it means me giving up common sense in order to keep him safe

DBM: How about the victim’s family? Don’t they deserve justice for their loved one?

Frema: In a situation like mine, everything about this conversation is wrong, but it’s also worth it protecting the father of my children.

DBM: Do you want my honest opinion?

Frema: Yeah

DBM: Many of the marriages and love relationships I know of, have been wrecked by issues that disguised themselves as inconsequential. A lot of serious matters do not appear nor feel damaging simply because we choose not to view them in that light. That, is the danger I fear for you, Frema. You’re choosing not to recognize a criminal past as a threat to your marriage, family and sanity – and because of that, you’re refusing to stay on your guard. Someday, your husband or his friend would sniff the hint, and it would be too late for either of you to do the right thing.

Frema: My husband will not harm me.

DBM: I hope you are right

Frema: My husband will not harm me

DBM: Just note that, there are negative repercussions to every decision made in favor of a person prone to any form of criminal activity.

Frema: I agree with you

DBM: Seriously do consider how your decision ultimately affects your marriage and most importantly, your mental health.

Frema: I will. Thank you, David

DBM: You’re welcome!

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