Tag: Marriage

Friend Is Benefit (Update)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, can I give an update please? I am not close friends with my best friend’s wife but she knows about me. I was invited to their wedding. The many times I’ve met with him for lunch or dinner, his wife knew. The same way I inform my husband when it’s those two days in a month lunch or dinner meetings. We stay out for only three hours before returning to our homes. These are rules we laid down when he got married. Dave, this is a man who loves being married to his wife. Anytime he feels like talking about her, you can see from his expression how he seeks to only serve and meet the needs of his wife in love, and not out of obligation like my husband does with me.

He goes home on time after our three hours lunch out. When I tell my husband I am going to be home at a specific time after meeting with my friend, I am home at that exact time. When we are out and his wife calls, he answers the phone. He has passed on his phone to me to say hello to her many times. She’s always asking if he’s treating me right and being a gentleman. Sometimes, we talk on phone for more than 30 minutes, discussing her husband. She’s invited me to her home many times but my husband declines to join, so I end up cancelling and giving excuses all the time. His wife is open to knowing me and my family. My husband is not interested in knowing them.

I’ve been reading the comments under our chat and I understand that people will doubt my friendship with this guy but his wife is highest priority in his life. He and his wife go on dates every week, he’s always pursuing her even after being married to her for this long. Things that are import to his wife are important to him. He’s asked me a couple of times for ideas on what a woman would like for her birthday or Valentine’s Day. He remembers their wedding anniversaries and is always planning surprises for her. My husband doesn’t remember my birthday until I am celebrating myself on social media. He doesn’t remember our wedding anniversary till I bring it up. But hey, who is comparing? I cannot even complain because that is what I got. And it is this same friend who has been encouraging me to be content with what I have for a husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Can I ask a personal question?

Jaisha: You can

DBM: What about him, makes you want to give six hours of your time every month to be in his presence?

Jaisha: I learn from him. I learn from his marriage. And I am learning how to properly love my husband through another man’s perspective.

DBM: In your opinion, what does he think a man is supposed to be doing to make his partner feel valued?

Jaisha: He’s told me he is the type always inquiring from his wife to know what he can do to be of assistance to her at home. He is responsive to her needs at all times. He helps her at home, and his wife has testified to that. The way he talks about her in public is honoring. When he’s home from work, his attention is on his wife and children alone. He wouldn’t be on his phone or be watching TV while she is cooking. He joins her in the kitchen to help or talk. His wife has confirmed this to me. And as the head of their family, he leads them through prayer. He is the spiritual leader of their home. He was telling me last month that, though he knows he’s been called as a husband to lead his family, he’s also been called to serve and sacrifice for them. He believes he’s been called to serve his wife.

DBM: Did your husband read our chat?

Jaisha: He did.

DBM: What did he say?

Jaisha: He said nothing. I told my friend to also read. He shared our conversation also with his wife. I think my husband is in shock about the Ghs 2,500 monthly gesture during his unemployment.

DBM: If your husband were to have a female bestie, he spent quality time with, would you be okay with that?

Jaisha: Provided that friendship doesn’t lack integrity, I would be okay with the idea of him having another world out there to inspire him. I will not be jealous of his friends if he’s transparent as I am with him.

DBM: Thank you for this update.

Image Credit: Joshuamckn

Friend Is Benefit

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, let’s discuss friendship

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh, cool! Great subject

Jaisha: Are you a good friend to your close friends?

DBM: I would categorize myself as an ‘okay’ friend.

Jaisha: What does that mean?

DBM: Meaning, I’m there but would hardly drive the relationship.

Jaisha: In short, you’re a bad friend?

DBM: I am not a ‘bad’ friend. I’m just bad at being intentional at holding the emotional currency that sustains friendship.

Jaisha: So, you don’t put in the required effort. Is that what you’re saying?

DBM: Something like that. It’s not the best of excuse but I don’t know how to make tangible and meaningful deposits in a friendship. I’m always the withdrawn one from the equation.

Jaisha: You don’t like people?

DBM: I like people from afar. I love on and care about people from a distance. But I have always been the listening ear and conversation in times that they need someone to uplift them. I wouldn’t hang out necessarily with them, but I can be present when it’s that crucial time to be there for them to feel understood and comforted.

Jaisha: Do you have a best friend?

DBM: Yes, I do. She’s a crazy-fun lady. I love her dearly.

Jaisha: Have you slept with her before?

DBM: Eish! Why all these questions?

Jaisha: I will be sharing my story soon. I just need a little bit of context to my story

DBM: Lol! I see. No, we have not extended our friendship to the intercourse phase.

Jaisha: Will it or can it ever get there?

DBM: The love we share is like the brother/sister vibe. Nothing sexual

Jaisha: But you talk about sex?

DBM: As a general topic, yes.

Jaisha: My best friend is a married man. His best friend is a married woman, me.

DBM: Okay?

Jaisha: And my husband does not understand why I keep a married man in my life as my best friend.

DBM: Have you clarified his confusion?

Jaisha: I have tried but he’s not buying it. The two instances he’s seen us having lunch together, my friend didn’t have his wedding ring on. I didn’t even notice it. My husband drew my attention to it in an argument at home. My husband has started reading meanings into it.

DBM: How long have you known your friend?

Jaisha: 17 years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

Jaisha: 10 years. We’ve been married for nine years.

DBM: Are you and your friend, without fail, looking for a chance or the right opportunity to fuck each other?

Jaisha: No, Dave. It hasn’t even crossed my mind.

DBM: You haven’t flirted, fucked, kissed or touched each other inappropriately in the past 17 years?

Jaisha: We have not. But we hug each other when we meet up.

DBM: How often do you meet up?

Jaisha: Twice in a month for lunch or dinner. We have a lot of fun hanging out talking.

DBM: And, how often are you out on a date with your husband in a month?

Jaisha: Dave, my husband is not the romantic type. He’s not interested in doing anything outside the ordinary to enhance intimacy and build on our connection.

DBM: But he’s affectionate, no?

Jaisha: Sometimes he is. I can’t complain

DBM: Is his love for you shown or hidden?

Jaisha: The love is there. I see it in his actions and commitment

DBM: How long has your friend been married?

Jaisha: 11 years or almost 11 years.

DBM: Have you ever found him attractive?

Jaisha: Of course. He’s a very handsome man

DBM: Does he find you attractive?

Jaisha: I should think so. I am a chic chick

DBM: And did you ever attempt pursuing one another when you both used to be single and available?

Jaisha: No

DBM: Why not?

Jaisha: Our friendship means something to us.

DBM: Define your friendship with him.

Jaisha: Let me tell you why I like him instead. He is a very smart man. I learn a lot from him. He is the funniest guy I have ever met. He is enthusiastic and very caring. He’s that energy you want to hang out with to clear your mind. He is a decent, honorable man

DBM: How did you meet?

Jaisha: We met at a conference. I made a presentation and he was impressed. He made his presentation and I was in awe of him and his ideas. When the conference wrapped up, he approached and asked if we could be friends. I said yes, and he invited me out the following week for a drink. We have been best friends since. He is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Do you enjoy being married to your husband?

Jaisha: I love my husband. Four years ago, I could have said I would choose him over and over again but he betrayed my trust in him, and I’m not sure I’m 100% all into him.

DBM: What did he do?

Jaisha: He had an affair with another woman

DBM: What was his reason for the betrayal?

Jaisha: He could not believe that a beautiful woman could be friends with a rich, handsome man and not be sexual with him.

DBM: Even after telling him there were no boundaries being crossed in your friendship?

Jaisha: My husband runs with any excuse to act up

DBM: A mature man or woman should be able to honor healthy boundaries with the opposite sex whether or not they’re sexually attracted to them. I’m curious to know what your husband’s ideas are on what it means to be a man. Is he the type that feels he needs to win at all cost?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: The type to want to propose all the important rules in his relationship with a woman?

Jaisha: Pretty much

DBM: Wants to make all the money and can sleep with whomever at any time?

Jaisha: That is his argument with his fellow guys

DBM: Does he cry or show emotion or weakness?

Jaisha: Infrequently

DBM: These immature kinds often are slaves to their sexual energies and toxic masculinity exuberances.

Jaisha: My husband wants me to choose between him and my friend.

DBM: That’s not fair

Jaisha: I am doing no such thing.

DBM: You’re willing to lose your marriage over a friendship?

Jaisha: No Dave. I am willing to let an insecure man easily go.

DBM: Interesting.

Jaisha: My husband lost his job a couple of years ago. Do you know who was giving me a monthly support allowance of Ghs 2,500 to be given to him?

DBM: Your friend?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: Does your husband know this?

Jaisha: He will find out today through our conversation, since I told him I will be having a chat with you about our situation. My friend told me not to let him know he was the one supporting him because he didn’t want him to feel his ego has been bruised.

DBM: So, your husband was of the impression that you were the one giving him the stipend?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: How long was he unemployed?

Jaisha: A year and four months.

DBM: And your friend was supporting him financially every month?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: That is a good man

Jaisha: He is an awesome friend everyone should have in their corner. He talked me into giving my husband a second chance when he cheated on me. He is the reason I forgave his affair and still stayed in the marriage.

DBM: That’s kind of you. I think your husband is projecting his lifestyle outside of the home on you. He thinks you’re doing what he has always been up to, sleeping around.

Jaisha: This thing called married…

DBM: I know, right! Choosing to do right by your marriage and spouse is still your choice. I wake up every day reminding myself that, making my marriage work isn’t going to be dependent on my partner and me making the effort. I as an individual should be intentional to want to save or make my marriage a success on my own. I contribute my strength and the other contributes theirs. In the end, we both show each other how to open our hearts and connect it to each other.

Jaisha: I am doing the best I can till he gives me another good reason to stop.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight 

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Anna: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Anna: Not fine

DBM: What would make your day a bit fine?

Anna: I’m not sure at the moment

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Anna: I am being tempted to harm my husband. I want to hurt him so bad

DBM: We are not going to do that

Anna: Dave, if I am to tell you what he’s done

DBM: We’re still not going on that evil route. What will make you not execute that thought?

Anna: If I’m out of the house

DBM: Great! So, that’s what we’re going to plan. Are you open to that?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You have children?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: How old?

Anna: 7 and 9

DBM: Do you work?

Anna: Yes

DBM: What is your relationship like with your employer?

Anna: We’ve developed a meaningful one

DBM: Okay! Do you have a car?

Anna: I do

DBM: Do you have a personal rainy-day fund set aside for emergencies?

Anna: I have a personal savings account.

DBM: That your husband doesn’t know of?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You’re a smart woman. Marriage can be very complicated; reasons why I hope every woman would maintain a separate bank account even after opening a joint one with their partners for shared bills and other household purchases. You maintain that sense of financial independence. You also feel empowered, knowing you have claims to your own money.

Anna: I agree with you

DBM: How many days do you think you would need to clear your head?

Anna: Three weeks. Maybe, a month. I don’t know

DBM: Do you have the perfect excuse in your head that you feel your employers can buy into – to give you days off?

Anna: Not really. I don’t want to discuss my marital issues with people I know

DBM: Understood. Do you have any medical doctor friends?

Anna: I know of two

DBM: Two that you are close to?

Anna: I am very close to one. The other is just a friend of a friend.

DBM: Would the one you’re close to be willing to authenticate a report or note to excuse you from work for a month?

Anna: She would want to know why I need a fake report for work

DBM: Can you trust her with your problems?

Anna: Maybe.

DBM: You’re considering harming your husband. That is a mental health issue. At least, you know what you’re working with. Help her find reason in supporting your claim for a month off-work. She can come up with the perfect note to address the burnout you’re currently feeling.

Anna: Ok

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Anna: How do you know?

DBM: I just know.

Anna: I was really going to poison his drink or meal. He would have been placed in a medically induced coma and never woken up from it. My husband has broken my heart, Dave, and I am willing to make his heart stop.

DBM: But how are you able to get your hands on such chemicals?

Anna: A friend of mine who is a nurse gave me options to choose from. They know the types of solutions to use for these kinds of assignments to remove the brute strength of a toxic, philandering man from the equation. And it can be difficult to detect their cause of death.

DBM: I see. If you’re able to secure a date for your one-month absence from work, where do you intend to go?

Anna: I’m not even sure. Maybe the Volta or Western Regions. I also have a visa to travel to two countries. I could choose that option.

DBM: Perfect. So, two or three days before you leave, cook as much food for the house. Store your soups and stews in the freezer. Prepare enough sauces, stews and soups to last for at least, three weeks. Fry or grill enough proteins to accompany the sauces. Your husband can cook rice, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Make food present at home in your absence.

Anna: I will do that.

DBM: Do their laundry before leaving. Including that of your husband’s

Anna: David, you’re asking too much of me

DBM: He is your husband

Anna: I do not consider him as my husband anymore

DBM: But legally, he is, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: He is your husband. You will do his laundry too. And if possible, iron his clothes for work.

Anna: I will think about that.

DBM: You’d have to do a general cleaning of the house. Leave the house in a clean state.

Anna: I will try. I want to take the kids along

DBM: No! You’re leaving them behind

Anna: I can’t do that

DBM: You can and you will. Your mind and soul need a holiday. This is the perfect opportunity to stop doing for others, so you can delight yourself and best interest instead. Your children fall in the category of ‘others’. It’s time to enjoy your own good company. This should also help you to put your marriage on a plate to see if it’s really over. You will see more clearly and hear your inner witness more keenly. You will know the truth and the truth will set your heart at peace.

Anna: It’s the leaving my children behind part that is unsettling.

DBM: Is your husband a good father to his children?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you believe he knows what is good for his children and would act accordingly?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you trust that he has the well-being of his own children at heart?

Anna: Yes

DBM: And do your children know that no matter what you will do or have done, there is nothing in this world that would diminish your love for them?

Anna: I think so

DBM: Great! So, you are doing this without your children, no?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: Before you leave that day, write a simple note on a piece of paper. Lay your matrimonial bed and leave the note on top of it. You don’t need to detail the specifics of your decision to be absent from home for whatever number of days. Just let him know you need a bit of space between the two of you. Indicate when you’re returning and also tell him about the numerous dishes you’ve prepared for them in storage. Take a picture of the note on the bed and take pictures also of all the meals you will prepare and store. Some men can lie just to throw you under the bus. Have proof on your phone in case he decides to lie to family and friends about you leaving the children behind without food. He will also tell people you left without telling him.

Anna: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Abstract Photos

In The Wrong

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Riri: Dave, I need your opinion. Make it as honest and brutal as possible

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): I’m all ears

Riri: My husband is or was in a sexual relationship with a girl who is our daughter’s age.

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Riri: 16. She turns 17 in September

DBM: How old is your husband?

Riri: 43

DBM: How long have you been married?

Riri: Almost two decades

DBM: “Is or was in a sexual relationship…” which is which?

Riri: Because I am just finding out about their relationship

DBM: How long ago since finding out?

Riri: Three weeks

DBM: How did you find out?

Riri: The girl is one of our daughter’s friends. They’re not best friends. They’re not close friends. They’re just friends. The first time she came to this house was on our daughter’s 15th birthday. She looked way mature for her age. She’s also very beautiful and classy. These were just my initial observations of her. I caught my husband sizing her up at the party but didn’t make a big deal out of it because I didn’t think he could be interested in someone our daughter’s age. Last year, my daughter told me her friend uses the latest iPhone. My husband uses the latest iPhone too, the exact type she uses. He was asleep one dawn when a notification on his phone drew my attention to it. It was from the girl. I unlocked it on his face and went through their conversations. They’re sleeping together. He’s giving her money, gifts etc. Dave, the sad pert is we know her parents. We aren’t close with them but we know them.

DBM: Your husband is violating this child. That is a crime; you know that, no?

Riri: I know

DBM: And, have you reported him to the police?

Riri: No

DBM: Have you informed the parents of this child?

Riri: No

DBM: Why not?

Riri: It’s the embarrassment and public humiliation I am trying to protect my family from. I can’t tell anybody about this.

DBM: But you’re telling me

Riri: I have a question

DBM: What?

Riri: Is it really abuse?

DBM: Why that question?

Riri: I am asking because when I look back and place myself in her shoes at that same age, I was a baddie myself. I was in a relationship with an older man.

DBM: Are you comfortable with the idea of a man your husband’s age sleeping with your daughter?

Riri: No

DBM: You cannot and will not excuse bad behavior.

Riri: Sorry

DBM: You being in the known is actually the first step in helping to put an end to the silence and shame, denial and even the confusion that is making you want to entertain and allow child sexual abuse of this magnitude to be occurring right under your nose at home.

Riri: I’m finding it difficult to use the legal route because of my own experience at that age.

DBM: You just told me you wouldn’t let a man get away with abusing your daughter at this young age, no?

Riri: Yes

DBM: Why are you excusing your husband’s behavior? Or because she’s not your daughter?  Any form of sexual activity between an adult and a child is abuse of power and trust. And, that is illegal.

Riri: I’ve got to go Dave. Let’s talk later.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto 

Love Is Not Always A Choice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Zion: Before I got married to my wife, she was my mother’s favorite hairdresser. My mother lived with me 22 years ago. No hairdresser in our area could fulfill my mum’s enormous hair goals. She expected me to always drive her to the saloon, pay her hairdresser and then later pick her back home. The two times she forced me to walk her into the saloon so she could introduce me to the single women working there, her favorite hairdresser was absent. I met beautiful ladies though, and got to hear interesting stories about their lives and why they would make perfect wives. By the way, my mother’s favorite hairdresser was then married. My mum asked me to drive her to a friend’s house one weekend, and it just happened to be my wife’s home. She had missed two bookings with my mother and she was worried something could be wrong with her. We got to her house and she informed us about her struggle with cancer. She could not adjust to the changes cancer brought to her life because she did not have a strong emotional support. Her husband wasn’t often present at home.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good evening. How are you doing?

Zion: I am fine, David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. This is a sad story

Zion: It’s not a sad story.

DBM: It’s not?

Zion: Let me tell you what happened next. My mother started to make regular but short visits to her, and of course, I was the one always driving her to and fro. One thing I found striking about my wife was her ability to still be cheerful and would say funny things to make us laugh, even though she was in great pain. On one of those visits to her house, we were greeted with sad news. Her husband had been involved in a vehicular accident and had lost his life. His pregnant girlfriend survived the accident.

DBM: Pregnant girlfriend?

Zion: Dave, not every marriage is strong enough to survive a cancer diagnosis. My wife was telling us about the additional pressure and the distress her diagnosis had on her marriage with her late husband. It was a difficult challenge for him to navigate. She was telling my mother her inability to engage in sex with her late husband was due to the dryness in her vagina.

DBM: But is intimacy all about intercourse?

Zion: What counts as sex for you?

DBM: Sex to me should be any creative activity that is pleasurable enough to connect me to my partner emotionally.

Zion: Example?

DBM: I know how to give a good massage that can release me off stress.

Zion: Two weeks after her husband’s burial, my mother asked me to drive her to her chemotherapy treatment. We had an hour and half long meeting with her doctor. She had been struggling with the side effects of the medications and the procedure. It was a tough call but I was willing to be there for her.

DBM: Why?

Zion: At first, it was for my mother’s sake but later I became fond of her. I fell in love with her.

DBM: Did she have any children?

Zion: No.

DBM: How long after her husband’s burial before falling in love?

Zion: Exactly three weeks.

DBM: You could fall in love that quickly?

Zion: I didn’t have any desire for her to love me back. Loving her was good enough for me to be there for her. And I was willing to love her even through the cancer.

DBM: When did you know you were in love?

Zion: The day I decided to take six months off work to support her at home. I had no reason to do that but I did it. Loving someone isn’t a choice you make. It’s something you just do because you rejoice in it. It didn’t make sense to my mother. It didn’t have to make sense to anyone.

DBM: Was she also in love with you?

Zion: She didn’t have to, Dave. I was willing to be the only one in that situationship to be having her best interest at heart. What I felt for my wife was willing to endure cancer with her. I was willing to share her pain and grief. I am still persisting against all odds 20 years later.

DBM: That’s how long you’ve been married?

Zion: Yes.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

What You Got

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Amelia: My husband quit his job in January, without informing me. I am a nursing mother on maternity leave. This is our second child and the transition is still a big deal for me. I am unable to sleep well at night due to stress. Dave, it’s not just my mood that has been impacted, I feel overwhelmed doing the lion’s share of the household chores and caring for our two sons, while my husband stays out late into the night every day. I had been begging him to help me with the domestic duties but he was using being busy at work as his excuse. I was always the nagging wife to him anytime I complained about his attitude. I caught him in an affair on the 12th of January, and instead of him explaining his actions to me, he quit his job instead on the 15th of January, to be a stay-at-home dad.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are your kids?

Amelia: Three years and a three months old baby.

DBM: What work do you do for a living?

Amelia: I am a Statistician

DBM: Is it a job that pays well?

Amelia: Very well

DBM: What was your husband’s profession?

Amelia: He is a Medical Scientist

DBM: Has he a backup plan?

Amelia: Not that I know of.

DBM: What was his reason for quitting?

Amelia: He says because I was complaining about him not assisting with house chores and his late nights out.

DBM: Quitting his job for these lame excuses of a reason wouldn’t solve your problems and his infidelity. Did he love his job?

Amelia: Yes. That was the profession he always wanted to do.

DBM: Is he helping now at home?

Amelia: Yes. He’s doing the best that he can to lighten my stress

DBM: Good to know. You get to breathe and unwind.

Amelia: Yes

DBM: What version of him is currently showing up to you – as a husband?

Amelia: I don’t know what to make of him, honestly. I don’t trust anything he says or does. He was cheating on me all this while, and I cannot forget that. I am profoundly hurt, Dave.

DBM: I am so sorry about that

Amelia: Hmmm

DBM: You have absolute control over your personal boundaries. Do you believe your husband loves you?

Amelia: Yes

DBM: Do you love him?

Amelia: I do. I feel so stupid still having love for him

DBM: You’re not stupid for expressing care for him. Your heart is broken and it needs healing. Has he considered couples therapy?

Amelia: Not yet

DBM: Would you be open to it?

Amelia: Yes

DBM: How about your husband?

Amelia: I don’t think so

DBM: Can he afford divorce?

Amelia: Hmmm

DBM: Has he showed remorse and expressed it clearly to you?

Amelia: He has

DBM: Do you feel your marriage still has legs?

Amelia: Meaning?

DBM: Can you two work things out?

Amelia: I don’t know

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Amelia: I’m imagining what it would feel like to be single again.

DBM: Has your husband ended the affair?

Amelia: Yes. I think my husband is trying to contain his inner angst

DBM: When do you return to work?

Amelia: March

DBM: How long is he intending to be stay-at-home dad?

Amelia: He doesn’t know but he is clearly relieved to be free from the provider burden.

DBM: Do you earn enough?

Amelia: I earn more than him for sure.

DBM: I just want to say this: please do the best you can to maintain respect for the roles you both are choosing to do, because you’re all contributing to the marriage and family one way or the other. It’s still teamwork, regardless who is wearing the proverbial pants to bring money home.

Image Credit: Lawrence Crayton

Birds Of The Same Roster

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Sonnie: Hey David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing?

Sonnie: I’m fine. I was one of the guys on my wife’s roster before we developed feelings for each other and got married. I had an active roster of my own but I had to drop everyone else on the list to focus on my wife. We’ve been married for three years and I think she’s started to chat with some of the guys she used to play with.

DBM: What is a roster, in this context?

Sonnie: When you date multiple people at once.

DBM: To/with the knowledge of the others?

Sonnie: Not always. The others don’t have to know because it’s a non-committal encounter.

DBM: Describe the roster you used to keep. I’m still trying to understand the subject.

Sonnie: I had a lot of time on my hands when I was a single man, so I had about four ladies circulating on mine. My wife for instance fucked with me only on Saturdays, because her weekdays were booked with other men she fucked with.

DBM: Is the roster centered only on sex?

Sonnie: Most of the times, but some go on light dates or are plus-ones for specific occasions before getting laid at the end of the day. Some are added for their exceptional, homey qualities to benefit us. For instance, I rotated girls who were good at cooking, cleaning or their laundry skills, before or after some hot quickies etc.

DBM: Oh, I get it. Like what those boys on Facebook are doing under the pretext of giving girls a soft-life?

Sonnie: Something like that.

DBM: So, you knew about your wife’s roster?

Sonnie: She told me about it

DBM: And, you were okay with it?

Sonnie: I wasn’t but I respected the fact that she told me about it.

DBM: Why weren’t you comfortable with it?

Sonnie: Because I wanted to pursue an exclusive relationship with her but she wasn’t sure she could get everything she was looking for in one man.

DBM: What was she looking for in her men?

Sonnie: I don’t know. I never asked

DBM: Not even before you married?

Sonnie: No. I didn’t want to know

DBM: Why didn’t you want to know?

Sonnie: It would have upset me.

DBM: But you were rotating other females too, no?

Sonnie: I was, though mine was mainly a mechanism to survive. Hers was for the sex and fun it added to her dating life.

DBM: Both of you seemed to have enjoyed the Kool-Aid, no?

Sonnie: It was fun till it wasn’t. I wanted to settle down and she was the lady on my list I had fallen in love with.

DBM: Was she in love with you?

Sonnie: She said she was but I knew she wasn’t too keen on being bound to just one guy. Also, she got pregnant with our son.

DBM: While rotating on each other’s rosters?

Sonnie: Yes.

DBM: How do you know he’s your son?

Sonnie: A DNA test proved it. She was the only woman I was having unprotected sex with.

DBM: Were you the only guy she was engaging in unprotected sex with?

Sonnie: I should think so.

DBM: Okay, you do not know then?

Sonnie: No. Do you think I should let her know I disapprove of her conversations with the guy?

DBM: How old are you?

Sonnie: 42

DBM: How old is your wife?

Sonnie: 38

DBM: I think your wife, once in a while, may re-visit her past life. I feel you may also end up doing same, if not already.

Sonnie: I’ve been faithful to her since we got married.

DBM: Good to know however, the lifestyles you two exposed yourselves to, I think expanded your relationships with your individual selves to a whole new path to self-discovery. You cannot be the only one fulfilling every single good moment or feeling in your wife’s life that other men on her roster used to satisfy. Her body is used to different kinds of pleasures she’s explored and enjoyed with different male figures. I don’t think you can be that all-in-one package to satisfy all of her needs.

Sonnie: But she satisfies mine.

DBM: Are you sure about that?

Sonnie: You don’t think people can change for the better?

DBM: Anybody can change.

Sonnie: I have changed

DBM: She might have also changed for three years but the capability to become her past self is still a possibility. You need to come to terms with that. Have you tried couples therapy?

Sonnie: No. I don’t like inviting a third wheel in my personal issues.

DBM: You don’t always have to be doing any and everything to keep a man or woman who isn’t that much into you. You will make yourselves miserable in the end.

Sonnie: But I’m invested in my marriage. We have a child together

DBM: You cannot make a person fit into your preferred narrative.

Sonnie: I love my wife, Dave.

DBM: You can love a person, that’s understandable. But you don’t have to love them in your house, or life. Or even through a marriage. You can love someone genuinely and still stop being with them.

Sonnie: You think she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

DBM: That’s a question you have to ask your wife.

Sonnie: Are you free today? I want to suggest to my wife to have a chat with you. I want to know what’s going through her mind.

DBM: It’s a holiday today, and so I am home the entire day.

Image Credit: Carlos de Jesus 

10th Anniversary Message

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Monica: David, happy new year

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Happy New Year

Monica: Are you still having conversations with people?

DBM: No!

Monica: Why?

DBM: I am on break

Monica: Till when?

DBM: February

Monica: Oh, what I want to discuss with you is urgent Mr. Bondze Mbir. Please?

DBM: Are you at a point of wanting to end your life?

Monica: No

DBM: Then it can wait, no?

Monica: It would be too late by February. It shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes of your time

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Monica: My husband wants to celebrate our 10 years marriage anniversary by recreating with me, our ‘how we met’ story and filming it for our children to watch in the future. He has hired two videographers, one for me and the other for him to capture the circumstances leading to us meeting for the first time and our first date. He wants me to take advantage of this opportunity to tell or ask him anything else I might have forgotten to draw his attention to during our dating era, so we can watch the video as a reminder to do better for one another in the next ten years of our marriage.

DBM: It’s a thoughtful suggestion from him. What did you do to mark your 9th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: How about on your 5th anniversary?

Monica: Nothing

DBM: 1st anniversary?

Monica: Nothing. We have never celebrated any of our marriage anniversaries, even when I remind him. As long as the years keep adding up, he’s ok.

DBM: How do I fit in all this?

Monica: I am willing to participate in his idea however; there are certain things I have come to know about my husband in these past 10 years that has really been a disappointment in my opinion. He is a great pretender and performer to outsiders. People look at me and automatically assume I have the best marriage and husband ever. He knows how much I love him and our family, and I think he’s been riding on that to often take me for granted when he comes home. In the presence of people, he is an Oscar winning actor to put on a great show for people to think he treats me right. He is sweet and nice to the wives of our close friends but harsh and mean to me at home. He speaks nicely and proudly about me to people but never to me in person, unless he wants sex. He is quick to criticize everything I do but would not tolerate it when I draw his attention to his own flaws.

DBM: I know men like that. Flattery goes to their head to blow them high, while criticisms go straight to their hearts to hurt their feelings. In their minds, they’re the only ones who can give or offer criticism but cannot take it.

Monica: David, that is my husband’s attitude. The other disappointment is, he’s been involved in two different affairs that I know of, unbeknownst to him.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Monica: I do

DBM: Are you still in love with him?

Monica: I am

DBM: Do you still want to do marriage with him in the equation?

Monica: Yes

DBM: Take advantage of his video documentation idea to let him know what you’ve come to understand about him after all these years.

Monica: I don’t know how to go about it, David. Also, I am scared I might say something that could ruin the whole anniversary celebration on camera.

DBM: Let’s role play. Act as your husband and let me use the little information you have given about him to address you – without hurting your/his feelings.

Monica: Ok

DBM: What’s his name?

Monica: Papa Yaw

DBM: PY, happy anniversary to us. Thank you very much for doing 10 years of marriage with me. It’s been a pleasure knowing you. It’s been a pleasure loving you. I do love you but as I have observed over the years, I have only gotten the least of you. You give the best of you to the people you are trying so hard to impress, while I get the least of you. That has been my lived experience with you in this marriage. I am not mad at you. I only disappointed in my husband. Papa Yaw, if I am going to do the next 10 years of marriage with you, I would only ask that should you feel the need to continue performing to look good in the eyes of people, at least, do not stop with the charade when you walk through the doors of our matrimonial home. Pretend with me too. Make me believe you genuinely are that much into me. Make me believe you love me. Make me believe you care about me. Don’t just come home to a wife because home is your safe space; give a performance for me to equally feel safe with you at home. Let me feel protected even if it’s just for show. Please let that become the new normal because how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Monica: He’s not going to get angry after hearing this?

DBM: When will you both watch the final film?

Monica: After the two videographers have combined our separate shoots.

DBM: So, you don’t see what you both say or do until the final edit?

Monica: Yes.

DBM: It’s a good message to him. He will hear you.

Monica: Okay.

DBM: You’re doing the right thing when you let your partner decide what your truest concerns are worth in a relationship or marriage.

Monica: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Kuda Foto

In His Spell

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paula: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Paula: I am fine. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paula: Is it a good time to chat? I promise not to take too much of your time

DBM: It is, sup?

Paula: My husband is a junior pastor sort of to our main resident and presiding pastor. The resident pastor is also the founder of the church. Dave, my husband used to not like our presiding because he thought he was corrupt. Now that the pastor has included him in his circle of friends, he is all of a sudden, his favorite person in the world. He’s acting ignorant of the very actions he used to complain about to me and others close to us. It doesn’t sit right with me.

DBM: How did you meet your husband?

Paula: My husband has money. He used to give to our church occasionally. Word on the street was that, he was a womanizer. I didn’t know anything about him. Our church held an all-night service a couple of years ago and he was ushered in to sit right next to me. It didn’t take long for me to realize how hilarious and charming he was. He had an intense interest to want to sit next to me, because he wanted to chat with me, even during worship time. I later found out that our presiding arranged for him to be seated next to me. The presiding preached and it was time for prayers. He called on me and prophesied that; I was still single because my future husband had been held up by so many other single women who also wanted to claim him. And that, I shouldn’t rush into anything serious yet with any other man.

DBM: You must be kidding me!

Paula: David, I laughed when he made that prophesy. Long story short, my husband called my phone and I later found out he was the one seated next to me at the all-night service. He conveyed his struggle in finding the right woman to settle down with. That is how our relationship begun. I am a career woman doing very well for myself. I didn’t need any man’s support then and even now, but my husband insisted on helping with my deepest wishes. If I ignored his offers, he would use other means to uncover something about me and make it come true for me. I don’t know how it happened, but I found myself wrapped in his spell and I was head over heels in love with him.

DBM: Is he a good man?

Paula: To our children, yes. He can be if he chooses to be

DBM: Is he good to you?

Paula: Sometimes.

DBM: Do you still love him?

Paula: No

DBM: Why not?

Paula: Dave, the trust I give is like the love I give. The doors of my heart and the other doors to my life cannot be opened by just anything. Trust opens most of these doors. So, if you break the trust I had in you, I shut the door completely to you.

DBM: You do not trust your husband.

Paula: I don’t.

DBM: Why was he not so trusting of your pastor?

Paula: Because he told me the pastor was taking advantage of some of the vulnerable, pretty young women at the church. He also said he was misappropriating church funds for his personal gain. These were a few of the bad things going on at the church that he was aware of. So, imagine the ones I don’t even know, that is going on.

DBM: People’s actions speak volumes. Sometimes, all you have to do is just listen.

Paula: Yes.

DBM: May your heart have an understanding of GOD; may it also have a fear of GOD’s justice and an awareness of what is in your very own best interest.

Image Credit: Avonne Stalling

Pimp My Warf

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jr.: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yo, sup?

Jr.: Don’t go the judgmental route with what I am about to say

DBM: Do I judge?

Jr.: You do sometimes

DBM: Really?

Jr.: That’s how I see it though

DBM: I see!

Jr.: I am a smart, affable and talented young man. I have a job but I can’t even remember the last time I earned good money. I don’t make enough to take good care of my wife and son. And frankly, Dave, it’s affecting how I see myself lately. The person I see through the lens of my life is losing and feeling defeated day in and out. So many setbacks pushing me to fall behind. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel confident. I don’t feel strong. My wife is smart, very beautiful and have so much to offer. She works in the companies of one of Ghana’s wealthiest men. She’s very close friends with him. In fact, he’s called her phone a couple times at home and I’ve heard him crack jokes with her. My wife has a habit of always answering every phone call on speaker, so I always hear every conversation she has with everyone. Her boss likes her but I don’t think she realizes it. The few times I’ve heard him on call with her; he tries to flirt but my wife doesn’t catch the bait. She thinks every friend is just a friend and nothing more. I need money to fund a project and the kind of money I need, only her boss has. I owe a few bank loans so I cannot go to the banks for another loan for my project. Do you see where I am going with this?

DBM: Do you want this conversation shared on my platform?

Jr.: Yes. I want to know if what I am considering is a terrible idea.

DBM: You know the women will insult you, right?

Jr.: I am not asking my wife to have a full relationship with him. I just want to suggest to her to flirt back, and if he wants to hit, maybe give him a taste of her fruit, in exchange for money.

DBM: This is how I choose to see it; your wife is in a perfect place to help you with your job search. I’m assuming you’re applying for better job opportunities, no?

Jr.: I need a good paying job for sure but I haven’t applied to anything yet.

DBM: How much money is worth pimping your wife to her rich boss?

Jr.: That is not what I am trying to do. I just need someone to invest in my big idea.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing your ‘big’ idea with me?

Jr.: No. But I know exactly what I want. I just don’t know how to get the financial backing to fund it.

DBM: There are other decent ways to come into the money you think you need to have.

Jr.: I’ve exhausted all options

DBM: Inciting the mother of your son to sleep with her boss to get the money you need to invest in your dream project, isn’t the action holding you back from your breakthrough. Wifey’s beauty aside, what else are you willing to sacrifice to get what you desire?

Jr.: Dave, my wife can help me get what I desire.

DBM: How do you know if your wife’s boss would even be fully aligned with your mission? How do you know if he’s going to wholeheartedly, buy into the project you’re intending to build?

Jr.: My wife can easily convince him if she comes on board with my plan.

DBM: Can’t you engage with him yourself and convince him to invest in your idea?

Jr.: He will not be blown away if it comes from me.

DBM: What makes you say that?

Jr.: Because I am a man.

DBM: You are certain this man can help ideate and create alongside you?

Jr.: Yes, if my wife is involved one way or the other.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio 

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems