Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 169a: I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ
Participant 169b: Aku
DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?
Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.
Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Atɛ: 8/10
Aku: 5
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?
Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.
DBM: How did it happen?
Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.
DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?
Aku: No. The drink was spiked
DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?
Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.
DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?
Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.
DBM: Does your son know who his father is?
Aku: No!
Atɛ: He knows me to be his father
DBM: Since when?
Atɛ: Since meeting my wife
DBM: How long have you two been together?
Atɛ: 8 years
DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend
Atɛ: We go way back
DBM: How far back?
Atɛ: Childhood buddies
DBM: What is his character like?
Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.
DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?
Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him
DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?
Atɛ: She told me about it
DBM: When?
Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son
DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?
Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.
DBM: What did you agree on?
Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.
Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness
Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie
Aku: Your friend who raped me
DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?
Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy
Aku: He is not
Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that
Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.
DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?
Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship
DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?
Atɛ: That’s not a fair question
DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack
Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past
Aku: Really?
DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind
Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives
DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?
Atɛ: I love you Sweetie
Aku: I don’t want your love
DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?
Aku: I have
DBM: And?
Aku: He says it cannot happen
DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?
Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.
Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.
Aku: That is not good enough.
DBM: Do you care about your wife?
Atɛ: I do
DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?
Atɛ: It does
DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?
Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house
DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?
Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.
Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet
Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie
Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?
Atɛ: I have never done any such thing
Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?
DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?
Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?
DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?
Atɛ: No!
Aku: Yes, I can name a few
DBM: Let’s hear it
Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.
Atɛ: Not true
DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?
Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him
DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?
Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things
DBM: Is your wife your friend?
Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend
Aku: Am I your best friend?
Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you
DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?
Atɛ: Sometimes
DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?
Atɛ: Yes
Aku: No!
DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?
Atɛ: I do
Aku: Yes
DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?
Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes
DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?
Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say
DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son
Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.
Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.
DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?
Aku: Never
Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal
DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet
Aku: And he will never know.
DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’
Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man
Atɛ: What do you mean?
Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question
DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’
Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.
Atɛ: I have not been that for you?
Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant
Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?
DBM: Thank you!
Image Credit: Lara Jameson
