The Man He’s Not

Rawline: Hi David. Please do me a favor. This is a picture of my husband making out with the man he’s been sleeping with. Can you post their faces on your page for me?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Why would I post something like that?

Rawline: You’re not going to post it?

DBM: Make a post of it on your own timeline.

Rawline: I can’t

DBM: Why not?

Rawline: I’m preparing to file for divorce.

DBM: Contact Cila or Manokekame. They might consider posting it.

Rawline: Why don’t you want to share my story?

DBM: This is not a story. You want to humiliate your husband. My platform is not for such purposes. You’re conducting a revenge campaign.

Rawline: Why are men so heartless?

DBM: Some men, not all men

Rawline: I don’t understand why my husband would do this to me

DBM: Have you confronted him about this picture?

Rawline: No. The other guy is also married.

DBM: Confront him!

Rawline: What do I gain from that?

DBM: You live in a society that pushes men like your husband to cower in the closet because of their sexual orientation.

Rawline: What has that got to do with the fact that the man I have children with is a homosexual?

DBM: How did you get this image?

Rawline: Does it matter? I’ve had my husband followed for months. They’ve been meeting at a rented apartment. I got a camera installed. I have a full video of them in the act.

DBM: Let him know you have in your possession, evidence of him being intimate with another man. Let him know you know he’s having sex with men.

Rawline: Dave, all these years I’ve been in a trauma bond with this narcissist and liar. His actions towards me made me believe I was the cause of his unhappiness in the marriage. Why are men like that?

DBM: Some men, not all men.

Rawline: I have been left alone in this miserable marriage to be picking up the pieces.

DBM: I’m very sorry about that.

Rawline: Men are wicked David.

DBM: Can I ask questions?

Rawline: What?

DBM: You had no idea about his sexuality prior to marriage?

Rawline: No

DBM: You had no inkling of a sort?

Rawline: No.

DBM: How has your sex life been like?

Rawline: Normal. Dave, my husband is a strong man. He has no girlish tendencies. I had no suspicions.

DBM: How do you think you’ve both changed since you got married?

Rawline: I realized something was lacking weeks after we got married but I didn’t know what it was. There was no urgency in his desire for me. But when we’re in public, he’s excited about introducing me to his friends and colleagues. After the birth of our first child, he became angry and belligerent. I also realized how withdrawn and anxious he often was. So many things weren’t adding up which was confusing to me.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory of him?

Rawline: He loves our children and treats them better. He’s more loving towards them, he’s happy to see them. He is more enthusiastic when he’s talking to the children. He hugs them and kisses them, and would sacrifice his last money and free time for them. He is a good father and is more interested his children’s lives. But Dave, this marriage is broken and cannot be repaired.

DBM: Have you considered how your life would look like once you’re divorced?

Rawline: I have thought about it. I would rather be alone than to limit myself to a miserable life. I don’t want to model the wrong example of a marriage to my children by staying in a shitty situation. This is not what I signed up for. My issue is, if I had fallen in love with another man, because I wouldn’t want to have an affair, I would leave my husband. Why can’t men be honest with women? I always felt he had been acting differently. He was behaving as if he didn’t want to be with me while he was playing out his fantasies with other men. I was convinced I was the reason for his unhappiness.

DBM: This is your escape route if you’ve been feeling trapped in the marriage. It’s not healthy to endure hopelessness and misery. This is your perfect relief to leave behind all the pain.

Rawline: I really loved my husband, David. To now have to grieve the loss of the man I love, and a marriage I have invested so much of my youth, resources and everything heavily in, the future I thought we were building together as a family. All these years of my life spent with him was a sham. Who does that? I am going to publicly humiliate this guy for what he has done to me.

DBM: Things do not always feel fair or logical in life sometimes. The pain, hurt and fear you’re experiencing aren’t proof that your life is over. You’re not broken.

Rawline: I am broken, David.

DBM: Imagine your best friend came to you this very evening feeling the way you are feeling now – what would you say to her? What would your immediate instinct offer her? You’re not that broken, believe me. Offer yourself the very same kindness you would grace your best friend with. You can find a safe space to heal from this kind of betrayal. Do not lose sight of what gives your life meaning and purpose. Your husband, at this moment, is not your purpose to fulfill.

Rawline: Do you think he’s going to be gay forever?

DBM: I understand that you love him but you may want more from your marriage than he can ever offer you over time.

Rawline: Can a gay man love a woman?

DBM: I think so. If your husband has ever told you he loved you, he probably did. However, loving you doesn’t change his orientation

Rawline: Awwww. David. You’re making me cry. Thank you. I will go ahead with the divorce.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto