The Marriage I Want

Neff: I had been kicked out of my house after living there for 7 years. My former landlord’s son was relocating from London and she needed to host him and her grandchildren in the building I was renting. It was an impromptu alert that cost me a lot of money, my time and basic freedom. It was not an easy year to be dealing with the scene of being kicked out of the place I had called and made home for years. Dave, this is the story about how I met my wife. My wife was a colleague from work. We were friends, though we weren’t close.

Four months after my eviction notice had been served, our employer planned a staff retreat to take us out of the office and put us together in another location, where we were charged to work together on some non-work-related projects. It was one of those retreats for us to step away from our regular day-to-day stuff to focus on the bigger picture. The retreat helped me to remove myself from the distraction of not still finding a house to rent. It was also an opportunity for me to see the way I interacted with everybody in the company. The retreat ended and I was tasked to carry along a few of the activity items to my house.

My wife, who was then a colleague, decided to give me a ride back home because my car wouldn’t start that morning. We got home, and she insisted on helping me carry the activity items to my living room. She realized I was in the process of packing out and wondered why. She wasn’t the type of friend I discussed personal issues with, but on that day, something about the way she expressed her concern, made me open up to her. Dave, sometimes help just land better when they come from a familiar, yet not so familiar face. As it turned out, she lived in a 3-bedroom house all by herself and wasn’t going to mind having me as her housemate. The catch in her proposal was for me to pay half of the rent, which I was more than willing to. I am still not sure what caused this beautiful woman to invest in me with that level of kindness.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know how she was perceiving you or your friendship/work relationship?

Neff: I know she had a lot of respect for me and had in one or more occasions, called me an intelligent man.

DBM: How did you feel when she first addressed you as such?

Neff: It was a good feeling. I felt seen and appreciated. I became a friend to her

DBM: Okay! So, you moved in with her?

Neff: Yes. A week after moving in to her house, I started taking notice of the kinds of books she read. Her bookshelves were absolutely impressive to the extent that, I did not see myself going out of my way to be reading her books, so I could have access to enter into her world, in order to engage her in her zone naturally. Our conversations surrounding her books, which I read 70% of, revealed a lot of commonality and shared interests.

DBM: How fond of her were you?

Neff: I liked her. I wasn’t sure to what extent but I knew how much I liked her.

DBM: How much did you like her?

Neff: Really much. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends. I got to know her friends; they got to know me.

DBM: Did you find her attractive?

Neff: Yes. My wife is a very attractive woman. Our friendship grew to a point where I wanted to invest myself fully, and I did. My love for her grew because I put in the work.

DBM: How long did you stay in her house?

Neff: Three years as her co-tenant

DBM: Would you advise your single sister to accommodate a stray man in her home for three years?

Neff: No Dave.

DBM: Why not?

Neff: Because a lot of our guys have not passed the safety test after being vetted by many women. Who we invite to our homes say a lot about what we think of our homes. I had good character; I had good morals. She knew who I was before letting me in. But most importantly, she was familiar with and also had trust in my presence, thus, why she allowed me to stay.

DBM: How long had you been working together by then?

Neff: Six years. Dave, life gives all of us different experiences. This was just one of mine, and my wife’s intuition was working to protect her. She knew whether her decision to invite me to stay with her was right or wrong before leaning into it. Secondly, we worked in the same office. She knew me. I knew her. And she knew she would feel comfortable, supported and understood by me. That was who I was to her at work and I think that was one of the reasons why she did not hesitate to talk herself out of what felt real.

DBM: What do you think felt real?

Neff: Her kindness. My wife is very kind to me to this day.

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Neff: When I noticed I was excited do things I’ve done a thousand times before because it was with her. I was never bored. Repeating activities with her felt new and exciting. But I knew I was falling in love with her when I got so mad at our boss one time for raising his voice at her. It was so unusual of me to go out of my way to defend her honor in that circumstance. My sense of empathy toward her had increased.

DBM: How did you know she was falling for you too?

Neff: Dave, I knew. She felt secure and comfortable being around me. Anytime I cheered her on, she developed this new courage to expand and become better at whatever she was doing. She was also willing to sit through hours of a sport game on radio or TV, just to spend time with me. It wasn’t a struggle for either of us to make time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Neff: 21 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife since you got married?

Neff: No. But it had occurred to me a couple of times in the past. I just did not act on it. Our marriage became boring and monotonous for me at a point.

DBM: Why did you not act on the urge?

Neff: Because excitement in the bedroom can be rekindled. There was no need seeking outside assistance. There other reason was that, being unfaithful to my wife meant, I would have no right to demand a monogamous commitment, nor have the moral high ground to chastise her for seeing other men. If I can have my cake and eat it, then my wife can attempt to have her cake and eat it too. My dad used to tell us a husband is supposed to love, trust and be honest with his wife but he cheated on my mother. When my mother betrayed him by also sleeping with another man, he got so upset and furious and could not forgive her. They ended up getting a divorce. That’s not what I want.

DBM: What in your opinion has made your marriage a success?

Neff: My marriage is 21 years old because I know who I am. My wife knows who she is. Individually, we know what makes us happy and can feel good all by ourselves without needing each other’s validation. We believe in our separate strengths and have fulfilled and pursued our dreams. We have achieved life goals independently, grabbed life changing opportunities and can function on our own without the help or support of the other. We built ourselves and careers as individuals before we became an ‘us. I married a woman who I genuinely love seeing walk into the room. Dave, believe me when I say I still smile when my wife shows up. The bond I’ve intentionally built with my bride is strong and can endure temptations. Respect is the third seasoning in our soup. I respect my wife so much. Probably that is why my love and trust in her hasn’t deteriorated that quickly. We communicate very well and would resolve a disagreement with a Hug, kiss, sex or all three at a go. My marriage is successful because I touch my wife every day. I hold her hand. I give randoms hugs. Slightly squeezes parts of her body. She touches parts of my body randomly, every day. This is what it means to held for 21 years.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring