Let’s Talk To Antobam

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 51: The name is Antobam

DBM: Hello Antobam. How would you describe yourself?

Antobam: A mother of four, capable of supporting myself and my family. Been divorced since May, 2022, and at my age, I don’t think I need to be relying on any man or even society for validation.

DBM: May I know your age, please?

Antobam: 46

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Antobam: My divorce

DBM: How long were you married?

Antobam: 19 years

DBM: Wow! That’s a lot of years

Antobam: The first five years were good, but from the sixth to the nineteenth year, I wanted to end the marriage – even though I didn’t believe in divorce. My ex-husband doesn’t believe in divorce

DBM: Interesting

Antobam: Yes! We’re actually very happily divorced, if there is anything like that

DBM: Explain

Antobam: Love couldn’t conquer it all in our situation, because we both had other needs that weren’t being met. My ex-husband loved me like no other; I loved him dearly, however, our priorities had different angles and twists to it; we viewed and understood love differently

DBM: How so?

Antobam: I wouldn’t know how to explain it: I wanted more. I see myself as a leader, and since my early years, I have taken charge of situations. My strength is quiet and reserved but it shines through at the end of the day. I make and take calculated risks, so once I am convinced about something, I am not scared to pursue it.

DBM: Was marriage not something you were enthused about?

Antobam: I dreamed of being in love, being loved, wedded and married. I dreamed of having children and raising them together with my husband. All these, I accomplished. I however forgot to dream about finding happiness with all these combined

DBM: You weren’t happily married?

Antobam: I was. I mean I was married to a great guy. But only for the first five years. My marriage reached its expiration date on the sixth year, and I knew I had to pack it all in but I couldn’t.

DBM: Why not?

Antobam: I was pregnant with our third child. Then I had the fourth. We wanted to raise the children in a family unit

DBM: Did your husband know you wanted out?

Antobam: I told him two weeks before finding out about our third pregnancy.

DBM: How did he feel?

Antobam: He said he felt he was also trying so hard to make our marriage work, which shouldn’t have been the case. A healthy marriage shouldn’t feel like ‘work’, though it’s work. We weren’t passionate about one another or the marriage; I wasn’t infatuated about my ex-husband; he did not excite me or my thoughts… I could not feel myself changing for the better

DBM: Well, that can be understood because it’s no longer ‘new’. You had both become familiar with each other, no? I wouldn’t expect a ‘sparkly’ feeling at this stage

Antobam: It wasn’t just about feelings. I lost myself and couldn’t see my life from a distance. I could not pinpoint exactly what our marriage was working toward. I have a very busy schedule at work, and trust me, my job doesn’t paralyze me.

DBM: Is that how you felt about your marriage?

Antobam: Yes! Dave, when you are excited about your marriage, and something about it isn’t living up to the standards you both set, you feel disappointed and frustrated. If the parties involved want the relationship so bad, you will be committed to doing something to be better than you used to be – in order to bring it up there to your smoothness level.

DBM: I concur

Antobam: I didn’t want to go through all that struggle.

DBM: How about your husband?

Antobam: It was too much work and a pain in his ass to push in so much effort. It got to a point, I found no interest in talking to anyone about my marriage. He is the type that is concerned about the opinions of others, and so he did his best putting up a front of the ‘happily’ married man.

DBM: In your opinion, a good marriage looks like what?

Antobam: It should look and feel like this task or job you’ve decided to do. Deep down you know it isn’t the easiest project to take on, yet it doesn’t feel so challenging to the extent that – you’re unable to do it right. Marriage is good when you feel your partner doesn’t overwhelm you with so much. He or she is just right for you, even after the bullshit.

DBM: Whereby ‘bullshit’ means?

Antobam: Anything they’re doing, or the relationship is presenting to you – which you can’t tolerate. When the marriage is good, you see the good in your partner, especially on the days they’re not of their best behavior. Nothing they do blows you away negatively.

DBM: I am learning something today

Antobam: I would not have divorced my husband, if I admired him for who he is. It’s unfortunate, but I couldn’t find myself admiring him from a place of happiness. You’re happy from a place of admiration if the piece of work smells and looks like something you’re proud of, because you contributed to its success.

DBM: I so get your point.

Antobam: Great!

DBM: Do you feel like you’ve failed at marriage?

Antobam: This was an experience for me, Dave, and I learned a thing or two from it. I can confidently say that, I can choose to open myself up to the likelihood of love again. But most importantly, I have the strength to guard my heart by walking away from unhappiness.

DBM: How does he feel about everything?

Antobam: He respects my decision to not stay married. He’s forgiven me, I have forgiven him and forgiven myself for letting our children down. He’s happy. He’s dating a very nice woman, and he smiles a lot lately

DBM: How do you feel about everything?

Antobam: Divorce isn’t always a bad idea. I can say mine has offered me a fresh start and opened a beautiful door, which is also leading me to a much better future

DBM: How is your relationship with him like?

Antobam: Awesome. As I said earlier, my ex-husband is a good man, and we both played a role in the end of our marriage. We know that it takes two to either break or make a marriage work. We want to maintain our friendship and be the best parents for our children, because we’re going to be in each other’s lives for the longest time, co-parenting.

DBM: And the children?

Antobam: They understand what’s going on, and we have explained why we can’t be married to them. We have also made them understand that, they are our key lens, and the most important basis and platform from which we would make every decision. It’s always going to be about what is best for them.

DBM: I think I like you

Antobam: Lol! I like you too, David. As it stands now, you’re the only person to get me to open up this easily. You’re doing a great job with your Facebook. Also, thank you for the exceptional live performance you shared on Facebook this Tuesday. I couldn’t stop myself from watching you sing that song.  It was so powerful.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Uriel Mont