Let’s Talk To Pablo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 129: Pablo

DBM: Hello Pablo. How would you describe yourself?

Pablo: Responsible for myself and actions. I will do anything to protect those I love

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pablo: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pablo: I married the corpse of my son’s mother before she was buried three years ago. I had been in a relationship with her for five years. She did not want marriage because she didn’t believe in it but her family wouldn’t let her be buried until I had done the traditional wedding rituals. My intention was to run away when the spokesperson from our family presented the request from the deceased’s family to me. I had packed my things and was ready to go three days before the ceremony but couldn’t move my legs that dawn. That was the first sign I should have taken seriously. My legs unlocked later in the afternoon and could walk again. I went to the bus station the next day still with the intention of not going through with the rituals; our bus was involved in an accident on the road. Nobody got hurt. These were the two strong alerts I got and had to return to do the expected of me.

DBM: But your late girlfriend didn’t want marriage, no?

Pablo: She didn’t

DBM: Why didn’t you argue her preference in her honor?

Pablo: Her family wouldn’t listen to anything

DBM: Where was your son?

Pablo: With her parents

DBM: They knew you?

Pablo: They did

DBM: And were in favor of you marrying her corpse?

Pablo: I don’t think they did but they went along with what the head of their clad had proposed.

DBM: Were you living together?

Pablo: Yes, for four years

DBM: What was the cause of her death?

Pablo: We were expecting our second child. She was nine months pregnant and was in labor. I was at work when the call came through. I got to the hospital and she was dead. The baby had died too. Her mother was in the hospital with her and had complained to the nurses about her daughter being in pain, but was ignored.

DBM: Is marriage something you wanted?

Pablo: Yes, but I wasn’t financially in the position to

DBM: Do you think that could be why your girlfriend wasn’t interested in the idea of marriage?

Pablo: Maybe, because she was very understanding of my situation

DBM: Dead women do not talk so how could the marriage ceremony take place?

Pablo: The two spokespersons from the various tribes did all the talking and negotiations. The one leading our clan officially asked for her hand in marriage, and the other head accepted. We presented the items on the lists given us to their family. My late girlfriend’s siblings also took their Akonta Sikan. The dowry was presented and placed beside her corpse.

DBM: The dowry consisted of what?

Pablo: Bride price of Ghs 2000, Gin, whisky, pieces of wax prints and clothes, Bible, jewelry, kitchen utensils, makeup, the engagement ring and food and drinks for the invited guests.

DBM: How many people were present to witness this?

Pablo: 10 family members from my side, and 10 form hers

DBM: Did you invite any friends?

Pablo: Three friends added to make my side of 10

DBM: Hmmm!

Pablo: It wasn’t easy.

DBM: The corpse looked like a bride?

Pablo: I can’t remember but she was adorned with a kente, crown-like tekua, with gold jewelries and expensive beading to accessorize her. I was the only one who touched, hugged and kissed her while she lay there, dead.

DBM: Whose cost was it to bury her?

Pablo: We split the cost 50/50 between our families. According to them, I was her husband and had to bear part of the funeral costs

DBM: How old were you?

Pablo: 33

DBM: You were so young. Did this experience have any negative effects on you?

Pablo: Depression came over me at nights, whenever I closed my eyes. I’m scared of cohabitation. I’m scared of getting a woman pregnant. Marriage is no longer part of my plans. I used to not drink alcohol but now I do. I lost my sense of sleep and found it very difficult sleeping at night.

DBM: How is your son doing?

Pablo: He’s fine. He’s gone to school.

DBM: He stays with you?

Pablo: Yes

DBM: What’s the relationship between you and your in-laws like?

Pablo: We don’t relate that well. Not spoken to any member of their family in years.

DBM: How is the feeling like, being a single parent?

Pablo: Challenging. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The things I love about him cannot be put into words. He matches my daily actions and behavior, mirroring the way I speak and move my body. He loves hanging out with me

DBM: Are you up to the task of parenting solo?

Pablo: Dave, I am more than qualified to care for my son

DBM: What are some of the challenges you face?

Pablo: A lot. I am on my own running this our household; imagine if he’s to fall sick, and I have work to do, bills to pay, etc.

DBM: Do you have any plans going back on the dating market?

Pablo: I’m not ready to retire my right hand and Vaseline yet

DBM: I see. But don’t you sometimes feel alone?

Pablo: My son is relying on me entirely, and probably even counting on me to keep my shid together. He keeps me company. I am not alone

DBM: You don’t miss the warmth of a woman?

Pablo: I’m okay for now.

DBM: Participant 128, Maxton, left a question for you: ‘What gets you out of bed every morning?’

Pablo: My alarm clock. But I force myself out of bed day after day because of my son. I want to be better for him. I want to be strong for him. I want to be available to him. I don’t have the luxury of messing it up or breaking at any point. I don’t have it all figured out. I can only give it my best shot.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pablo: Let me see… I am going to assume your house, containing everything you own and value, has caught fire. After saving your loved ones, you just happen to have time to safely make a final dash in there to save any one item. What would it be, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Let’s Talk To Maxton

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 128: Maxton bro

DBM: Hi Maxton. How would you describe yourself?

Maxton: An achiever, happy and I treat people close to me well.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Maxton: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Maxton: My biological father failed me. He was not that much involved in my life while growing up. I sometimes feel like I could have had a better chance of excelling on a social basis, emotionally and academically if he had been present to me. He is still alive though. The man I had the privilege of calling ‘father’ was a former school mate’s and childhood best friend’s dad. He opened his home to me when he picked his son from schools 34 years ago, and I think heard me crying. He could tell I was hungry just by looking at me. I remember his son looking at him and asking if I could go home with them. His son had been sharing his food with me for weeks but had to stop upon advisement. I wasn’t a student at the school; I went there only with the hope of finding food to eat. Even with my 12-year-old mind, I could tell he saw his dad as an example of how to express concern and care. He could empathize with me because he was sensitive to his emotions, and could express exactly how he felt about my plight.

DBM: How old was his son?

Maxton: 10 or 11

DBM: Where was your mother during this period?

Maxton: Dead

DBM: Why wasn’t your father taking full responsibility of your wellbeing?

Maxton: His wife had suggested I rather stayed with one of my uncles. My uncle wasn’t married and was never home; I was always hungry. Going to that school was my refuge. I met people who liked me, got food to eat and books to read.

DBM: What’s your relationship with your biological father now?

Maxton: I’ve forgiven him. That’s not to say I condone his neglect

DBM: Understood.

Maxton: Yeah, I demanded for an apology. I felt he had hurt me in a way that, my expected response was to do something to even up or hit him where it would hurt. But he said he was sorry, and I believed him.

DBM: What happened after the other man had seen you crying at his son’s school?

Maxton: He bought me food, and then told me to visit their house anytime I felt like playing with his son. He got me enrolled in the school and paid for my fees.

DBM: What’s your life like now?

Maxton: I’m happily married, a father of two and love my kids to death. I am enjoying the whole process of influencing the lives and wellbeing of my children. The relationship I have with them is healthy; I understand them, I’m conscious of their feelings because I make time to bond with them; we talk to one another

DBM: How important is being a father to you?

Maxton: It’s a blessing I will not trade for anything else in the world. My kids think of me as the comedian of the house because I make them laugh all the time. I love hearing the sound of their laughter and their happiness therein. Also, I thought my wife was the love of my life till my troublesome kids came along. The depth of my love for them cannot be quantified. I love to look at them fall asleep, I love to hug them back, I love the way they smell, I love to kiss them goodnight etc. They bring the better version of me that I never knew existed out to play.

DBM: What do you think your wife thinks of you as the father of her children?

Maxton: I don’t know. Unless you ask her yourself

DBM: But she’s not part of the chat

Maxton: Hold on, will call her to come answer. Her name is Adjeley

Adjeley: Hello David

DBM: Hello! How are you doing?

Adjeley: Fine, thank you. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How would you describe your husband’s relationship with the children?

Adjeley: He loves them and always wants to be close to them. He enjoys teaching them new things and likes playing with them. He homeschools them during the weekends, helping them with their homework and going over whatever they had learned in the week. We do a lot of family outings too. I think because his father wasn’t that involved in his life, he’s choosing to be there for ours so the world someday can be prepared to receive them.

DBM: How is he as a husband?

Adjeley: He enjoys me and loves being near me. He tenderly shows it in the manner of ways he manages to spend time with me. He is a patient man. He is sensitive to my needs and speaks to me in a soft tone of voice. We’ve been married for 10 years and he’s never shouted at me before. He’s my buddy-buddy, has great sense of humor, he’s a great communicator and loves to talk to me about everything. He makes me happy. And, I’m well taken care of. He’s the one person I believe I can count on when the going gets tough. I trust my husband not to betray what we have built together.

DBM: Is there anything you want to say to him?

Adjeley: Mr. Quartey, you’re the only man who has made the effort to adapt to me, putting aside your own preferences just to make what we have work. I respect the way you respect me; I love the way you love me. You’re everything I dreamed for our children. You’re a great guy, and I am holding on to you till death do us part.

DBM: Thank you! Let me talk to your husband now.

Maxton: Dave

DBM: Yo! Your wife loves you very much

Maxton: The feeling is mutual

DBM: How did you meet?

Maxton: A friend introduced us. The moment I saw her, I had a hunch that she was meant for me. I fancied her. I was attracted to her

DBM: Is she a good woman to you?

Maxton: She is

DBM: How about to the children?

Maxton: She captures their attention. She’s a good mother

DBM: Participant 127, Silas, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal, loving smart or hard – and damning the consequence?’

Maxton: I do not think I have anything to prove to anyone when it comes to loving my wife and children. I show my love the greatest way I know how, and they get it. It is not attached to the opinions of people

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Maxton: What gets you out of bed every morning?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Brett Sayles

Let’s Talk to Ikhlas and Silas

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 127a: I prefer Ikhlas

Participant 127b: Silas

DBM: Hello Ikhlas and Silas. How would you describe yourselves?

Ikhlas: There is not much to me

Silas: I am not perfect.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ikhlas: 6

Silas: 2

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ikhlas: My husband is refusing to talk to me, and I don’t understand why. There is a pending issue we have to address but he doesn’t want to talk about it with me. He’s not returned to the house for the past five days. I don’t know where he is staying, and he’s not willing to tell me either. I offended him and apologized but he keeps ignoring my calls.

DBM: How did you wrong him?

Ikhlas: He got to find out our five-year-old daughter isn’t his biological child. No, I did NOT have an affair. I underwent an IVF treatment which spur a pregnancy. I did it without his consent because he wouldn’t have agreed to it.

DBM: Why wouldn’t he have agreed to it?

Ikhlas: We don’t have the money

DBM: How did he find out that he’s not the father?

Ikhlas: He took a DNA paternity test and there was no confirmation of genetic match

DBM: Sir, do you mind me asking what motivated you to take the test?

Silas: I suspected it the dawn my daughter turned 5

DBM: How much did the IVF treatment cost?

Ikhlas: $12,000

Silas: Where did you get that kind of money from?

Ikhlas: Ken

Silas: What?

DBM: Who is Ken?

Ikhlas: My husband’s brother

Silas: Step-brother. You know very well I don’t speak to him, so why did you have to go and borrow his money?

Ikhlas: It wasn’t a loan. He gave it to us for free

Silas: Who is the us? Look, I don’t give a fuck. You know very well that I’ve not spoken to him in over 29 years. Why do you have to embarrass me like that?

Ikhlas: We needed the help babe

Silas: You and who needed his help?

DBM: Can I step in please?

Ikhlas: Yes

DBM: Why aren’t you talking to your brother?

Silas: I don’t want to talk about him

DBM: Noted, I will respect that.

Ikhlas: Because he feels he is a product of an affair his father had

DBM: Your husband doesn’t want to talk about his brother. Please let’s leave it as that

Ikhlas: Dave, Ken is a good guy. And he’s been trying so hard to have a relationship with his only brother, but my husband doesn’t seem to be open to that. Ken hasn’t done him any wrong. I feel that my husband’s anger isn’t directed to the right person. Ken is my brother-in-law, and I will not deny him that privilege. Also, God has blessed him, he’s rich.

DBM: Why did you undergo In Vitro fertilization without your husband’s knowledge?

Ikhlas: We were having trouble getting pregnant after eight years of marriage. The doctor evaluated the both of us and identified low sperm count to be the problem. My husband has fewer than 12 million sperm per millimeter, and a less than 30 million sperm total per ejaculation. The doctor explained that his chance of getting me pregnant decreased, due to his decreasing sperm counts. He suggested assisted reproductive techniques and my husband hasn’t been interested since. What have I done so wrong that you cannot find it in your heart to forgive me?

Silas: I can never trust you again

Ikhlas: Why don’t you want to talk about it with me then? Do you have to leave the house to express your mistrust?

DBM: He’s pissed at you, that is why

Ikhlas: And I’ve realized my mistake. I am sorry. Please don’t shut me out like that; I miss sitting with you.

Silas: Why did you make me believe the pregnancy was mine? Why did you make me raise our daughter as if she were my flesh and blood?

Ikhlas: You’re still her father. You love her

Silas: You lied and kept this very important information from me. You still don’t get it, do you?

Ikhlas: I do, and I am very sorry my love

Silas: Again, in what world is she my biological child?

DBM: She was born during your marriage to her mother. That, by default makes you her biological father and legal guardian.

Ikhlas: Yes, that’s true

DBM: You already have an established relationship with your baby girl. Do you think you can try to put your daughter’s best interest first, and maybe, your bruised ego second? Because as it stands now, you’re the only father your little girl knows as her own.

Silas: How do I explain this to my family and friends?

Ikhlas: I don’t think anyone else knows and should know about it

DBM: Madam, can you please just keep quiet for a minute! Your husband is still processing the shock of what you’ve done. Give him the space to think.

Ikhlas: I’m sorry

DBM: He is refusing to talk about it because it still hurts his feelings, as he’s less proud.

Ikhlas: Nana, I love you wai. I love our marriage so much. I don’t know what we will do without you

Silas: I need time

Ikhlas: How much time? Your daughter keeps asking about your whereabouts and I don’t know what to tell her anymore. She wants to talk to her daddy.

DBM: As much time as he may need. What you did bothers him and he’s trying to figure himself out, so he doesn’t have to resent you and his daughter in the future.

Ikhlas: Dave, can you ask my husband if he still loves me?

Silas: I love you

Ikhlas: Okay!

DBM: I pray you do not let so much time slip by while you’re in the process of figuring things out. Your wife and daughter need you, and the time apart and silent treatment may lengthen the misunderstanding and anger. This in the long run makes all the parties involved suffer from the stress associated with it. Your daughter is innocent in all this, remember.

Silas: Alright!

DBM: Participant 126, Knox, left a question for you: ‘What is the most important thing I should know about you?’

Silas: I finally got to be who I’m supposed to be because of my wife, I’m a father.

DBM: Awww! That’s very sweet of you

Ikhlas: Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, my husband always offers to help with the dishes, which shows me how much he cares about me. It turns me on and gets me horny every time. I reward him with my best sex to destress.

Silas: That’s true

DBM: Five days away from home; don’t you miss your wife?

Silas: I do

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Silas: Which is ideal, loving smart or hard – and damning the consequence?

Ikhlas: I’m all in favor of my husband’s question.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To Knox

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 126: I’m Knox

DBM: Hi Knox. How would you describe yourself?

Knox: I’m easy to talk to and may have the magic effect to make people like me

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Knox: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Knox: A woman I’m in a relationship with wants me to be vulnerable with her so she can inspire me to come into the realization that, her love for me can make me want to become a better version of myself. I don’t think I will ever be the perfect man for any woman. I trust myself to make more mistakes; I’m certain I’d be giving in to more and more of my weaknesses, however, I am a man who wants to do better.

DBM: What version of you is she in love with at the moment?

Knox: The raw me

DBM: Describe the raw you?

Knox: Witty, attractive, charming but still guarded; the ladies’ man. I’m fire with a thrill

DBM: You love her?

Knox: I think I am falling for her. The feelings I have for her are strong

DBM: Explain the ‘ladies’ man’ bit

Knox: I’m able to talk a woman’s panties off

DBM: So, in other words, you’re a player?

Knox: I don’t think I am. She’s managed to pin me down somewhat

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Knox: Nine months

DBM: At what point in your schedule do you usually feel like you love her?

Knox: When I’m horny or lonely, or bored

DBM: Smh!

Knox: Why are you shaking your head?

DBM: Describe sex with her

Knox: Dave, I’ve gotten to know this lady for some time now, and I think we have a relationship that is growing based on the amount of time, care and commitment we’ve decided to put into it. Sex with her means something to me, probably because there are a lot of feelings involved on my part. The energy is kinda, different. I can’t even explain it, but it’s something I enjoy. Getting her off gets me off. I don’t think of my pleasure when I’m making love to her. My focus is always on giving her pleasure.

DBM: I like the sound of that

Knox: I’m afraid to admit it but falling in love scares me.

DBM: Why?

Knox: I don’t know. One minute I’m spending time with her, and the next, I’m suddenly distant.

DBM: Are you comfortable with the idea of being in a long-term relationship with just one person?

Knox: My fear is committing to her and then later realizing she isn’t my soul mate.

DBM: What kind of dream do you have for your future?

Knox: Wife, children, happy home, comfortable living, happy me

DBM: And it’s achievable, no?

Knox: Maybe, maybe not.

DBM: Has she come into contact with the real you that makes you stand out and not blend in?

Knox: Dave, I’m not all that good o

DBM: But there is an element of good to some extent to you, no?

Knox: I guess

DBM: What are you really afraid of?

Knox: My last serious relationship left me hanging

DBM: In what sense?

Knox: She chose someone else over me

DBM: How long did you date?

Knox: I thought we were in a relationship but later found out she was only weighing her options to choose from. We were together for three years; she weighed me for three years and I didn’t make the cut. I didn’t see it coming.

DBM: So, you feel like the past trauma is still coloring your idea of what a relationship could potentially be for you today?

Knox: I’m just trying to avoid an unexpected disappointment

DBM: Even though your current girlfriend is nothing like your past?

Knox: Better to be safe than sorry

DBM: Not surprised though! Many of us would rather be sensitive to what could be going wrong than focusing on what is actually going right for us in the now.

Knox: I can’t help it

DBM: What is the one good thing about your girlfriend that comes to mind?

Knox: She gives me the opportunity to protect her heart, and also, provide for her

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Knox: She’s an orthodontist

DBM: How about you?

Knox: A computer network architect

DBM: How did you meet?

Knox: She fixed some irregularities in my teeth and jaws, and I was pleased with how meticulous she was. My teethes are straightened because she created a corrective treatment plan precisely for my needs.

DBM: How did you end up dating?

Knox: I think I managed to explode the heat between her legs with just a feeling conversation, without even touching her. I left her craving for me

DBM: Which, ultimately was your intention, no?

Knox: Abi you know dada

DBM: Do you find yourself so caught up in the needs and wants of your woman to the extent of tossing your own needs and wants to the side?

Knox: Not with this lady

DBM: Meaning she’s a good catch?

Knox: She is. That’s why I like her

DBM: Do you deserve her?

Knox: I’m getting what I want

DBM: Great, but are you also getting what you deserve?

Knox: Yes. She’s the most beautiful person that I’ve ever experienced in my life.

DBM: That was all I wanted to know

Knox: I don’t know if what I’m offering her is all that she deserves

DBM: When it comes to my heart and its feelings, I usually do not want to be loved by many people. I’m very comfortable and content with someone in my life who gets me. That one person who has seen my worst a dozen times but still loves the me inside of me when my worst pops up. Someone who thinks of me and would smile and shake their head for no reason. Someone who delights in looking out for me; accepts me for all that I am, brings out the very best in me and most importantly, challenge me to be the very best of me that I could possibly be.

Knox: She does that for me

DBM: Then you need to be that kind of person for her too, can you?

Knox: I can

DBM: You will be fine

Knox: I hope so

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Knox: Are you a counselor?

DBM: I am not. Participant 125, Nanyamka, left a question for you: ‘If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?’

Knox: Oh, that’s simple; FUCK THE HELL OFF!!!

DBM: Hmmm!

Knox: What?

DBM: You don’t look like the type of guy to be using this kind of language

Knox: I don’t look like what I’ve been through

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Knox: I like this segment. Here is my question: What is the most important thing I should know about you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ekaterina Bolovtsova

Let’s Talk To Nanyamka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 125: Nanyamka

DBM: Hi Nanyamka. How would you describe yourself?

Nanyamka: A woman who loves being a woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nanyamka: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nanyamka: I am being offered a way out of an unhappy situation. I know for a fact that opportunity seldom knocks at my door, and that, if this had been presented to my husband, he would have taken it in a heartbeat without my knowledge. Dave, naturally I am hands-on and always willing to take initiative. My husband is the same. I am not afraid to say yes to this opportunity simply because I may never know where it might take me. I’ve been offered a job in the UK, and I get to tag my husband and children along. I don’t mind going with the children. My problem is my husband, I don’t trust him. I know this is an unfortunate thing to say about my marriage but he’s been keeping secrets and lies. Let me give you one example: he’s created accounts on several dating apps describing himself as a single man in search for love. He’s exchanged contacts with several ladies outside of Ghana, and is heavily inciting them with the promises of love and commitment. He’s also cheated on me once with a lady at his workplace, which I know of, but he denies it.

DBM: Has he the ability to earn your trust?

Nanyamka: Dave, you’ve not met my husband. He knows exactly what to say and it would be at the exact time you need something tasteful to hear to mess up with your emotions. Every word coming out of his mouth is either a line or a lie. He’s aware of his ability to entice women with what he says and has been using it to his advantage. Unfortunately, everything about my husband on the outside looks just as perfect.

DBM: Meaning?

Nanyamka: People who know and respect him would doubt me if I’m to come out with these allegations. He’s built a certain image out there as the family man every woman should die for. Even my parents will believe his word over mine

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Nanyamka: I had my doubts about him when we were dating but I got pregnant with our first child, and that made me vulnerable.

DBM: Why do you think he married you?

Nanyamka: That’s a question for the gods. He doesn’t like it when people try to play mind games with his intelligence, but guess what?

DBM: What?

Nanyamka: The biggest game he’s played just happens to be me.

DBM: Why did you apply for the job in UK?

Nanyamka: It’s actually a new field in my expertise and I love challenges that foster professional and personal growth

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Nanyamka: I want to leave the children behind, in his care. He loves the kids but I feel like he’s emotionally disconnected himself because I am the active one in their lives all day, every day. He just fills in the gabs and spoils them rotten with gifts to make it up for his absence. I feel like I’ve enabled him into taking the backseat for far too long.

DBM: How old are your kids?

Nanyamka: They’re under 12 years

DBM: Looking at the description you gave of your husband, is he the kind of role model you’d want to be reinforcing ‘good’ behavior in your children?

Nanyamka: He’s their father

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: But most importantly, I’d want them to see through his bullshit as they grow. I feel like I’ve been covering for him for so long

DBM: How long do you intending stay away from them?

Nanyamka: Till the last child is 18

DBM: What happens to your marriage then?

Nanyamka: I’m trying to enhance my marriage with this decision. I’ve done everything possible to get my marriage back on track but I’m now at a place where there is nothing else left to do but to unofficially split up. My plan is to come and check on the children every three or four months. Dave, I’ve often struggled, always questioning whether or not I am doing the best I can for my children.

DBM: As a parent, you only have a limited window of time to adequately prepare your children to become responsible individuals.

Nanyamka: True

DBM: Does your husband know about your traveling plans?

Nanyamka: I’ve not told him yet

DBM: When do you plan discussing it with him?

Nanyamka: There is not going to be a discussion. I will just tell him the morning of my departure in August.

DBM: That’s not fair

Nanyamka: Fairness is in the eye of the beholder. David, my husband has managed to weaken the bond between us with his betrayal. I feel pained because I sacrificed more than enough of myself and aspirations to be available to him and the children. As it stands now, I’ve got to also choose myself above all else. I used to think it was healthier making my husband the first priority

DBM: What do you think is your job as a parent?

Nanyamka: Raising my babies with a strong sense of self-worth

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: My needs come first henceforth

DBM: Participant 124, Otis, left a question for you: ‘Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?’

Nanyamka: My future always begins with me staying in the present and now. The present and feeling good about it makes me feel better about life. Tapping into this good feeling enables me to attain what I want tomorrow.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Nanyamka: If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jennifer Enujiugha

Let’s Talk To Otis

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 124: Otis

DBM: Hello Otis. How would you describe yourself?

Otis: I stay true to myself majority of the time. I like challenges and I don’t always take the easiest routes out of a situation.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Otis: Eight

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Otis: As at March 14th 2023, I was of the opinion that I was burdened by a conflicting issue. My wife is the perfect homemaker and we have a great friendship and relationship. She is her happiest when around me; she’s affectionate and caring, but I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hyping my energy to her level. We’re in our 8th year of marriage and if I am to cast my mind back to the statistics within my circle of friends, the likelihoods of me and my wife ending up in a lifelong marriage could fundamentally be based on a coin toss. Dave, I’m going to be honest, my heart wasn’t in it last year and was indifferent about the way forward. Divorce or separation did cross my mind but I felt guilty at the thought of it because my wife really has been good to me. I know my life is better because I’m a part of hers, but I was in a state where I though my true feelings would be miserable if I continued staying married. The crazy thing is, my wife sensed my unhappiness and has been showing up for us to talk about what is going on with me. I just have not been able to truthfully open up to her about my feelings. What I want to talk about is how I had the perfect opportunity to meet a need in me with another woman but chose not to.

DBM: Why?

Otis: I realized abruptly that there is nothing wrong with my wife, and that I would have cheated regardless of who I was in a relationship with. I am the one with issues to deal with, not my wife.

DBM: That’s a first. Walk me through your process

Otis: I did meet with the other woman in the hotel room, and I was ready to rumble. But her phone kept ringing. She was ignoring the calls and it wouldn’t stop ringing, so I told her to answer it. That was when I realized she was married. It was her husband on the call. Yes, I did not know she was married. How we met and how our conversations built up to this moment is a story for another day; but I figured out she was cheating back because her husband had cheated on her. Listening to her argue with her husband on the call was my principal driver of loyalty to my wife. I found myself in a state of appreciation for my wife and all that she’s done for me, our marriage and the children. I never knew I could acknowledge her value that quickly, to the extent that, when the lady was done shouting on her phone, there was a less chance of me wanting to take the risk of hurting my wife by doing something foolish. I wasn’t ready to put my marriage in jeopardy.

DBM: How did you explain your ‘aha’ moment to the lady?

Otis: There was nothing to explain. I just told her I couldn’t. I booked the room for her though – to stay the night, which she said she did.

DBM: How easy or difficult was the sudden switch off?

Otis: It was within my decision-making process. Being sexually attracted to someone, I think is controllable. And from what I experienced; I could choose without a doubt not to act on my urges. Sometimes, family takes precedence

DBM: That’s good to know

Otis: It’s a choice. In fact, I realized that if I had gone ahead with the lady in the hotel room, it would have been a decision made out of my greed to satisfy my selfish needs.

DBM: What if your needs were valid?

Otis: Oh, the urge was valid. I wanted something different but I was awoken to the idea of maybe, creating that different feel with what I already have at home. I love my wife, no doubts about that; I just needed a reason to make a tough decision that was in her best interest for once.

DBM: Are you proud of the outcome?

Otis: I did good, I think. I chose to protect my wife even though she wasn’t a witness to it. I chose to put a smile on her face even though she doesn’t get to know about that. I caused my wife to feel loved and chosen by me. If I will be honest, she chooses me every day; this was my turn to do her the honors and return a favor. This decision also is a huge step to improve upon myself and our marriage, instead of destroying it. My wife’s hope in me couldn’t go down the drain just for a few minutes of pleasure. Loving someone genuinely burdens you to do right by them.

DBM: I concur. Do you know why you were assuming your life could be miserable while with wifey?

Otis: I don’t know why but I know it started as a fantasy. In my mind, I was comparing my present with a future. Future meaning, dating or being married to a different woman.

DBM: Do you still find your wife attractive?

Otis: I do

DBM: And you can imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her and being content with just her in your heart?

Otis: I think so

DBM: Whenever I find myself in the ‘I think so’ phase, it usually means I’m still beating myself up because my tolerance for the unknown and unpredictability is still on the low.

Otis: I don’t know

DBM: Otis

Otis: Yeah?

DBM: It’s okay not to be sure. It’s okay to sometimes also worry. I believe it’s okay to even feel bad about yourself sometimes. You don’t have to be strong all the time. I am proud of you for the decision you took in the hotel room. You’re a good man.

Otis: Hopefully, I wouldn’t fall apart at the long run

DBM: But even if you do, you have every right to. It enables you to find yourself all over again. So, it’s not always that bad. Give yourself some credit

Otis: I agree, I’m a good guy.

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Otis: She accepts me even when I don’t know exactly what to do with her attention. She’s caring towards me when I am indifferent about my emotions. She encourages me to learn what it takes to be good to myself with her love for me. I don’t know why I love her but I know I do.

DBM: That’s good enough a response. Participant 123, Vance, left a question for you: ‘What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year-old self be disappointed in you?’

Otis: I was by my father’s side at the hospital when he died. My mum had gone home to prepare his favorite meal because he had specifically requested for rice and palmnut soup. Before the doctor confirmed his death, he got a notification on his phone. I was holding his phone when it beeped. It was from one of his close friends, a family friend I would say. His wife and my mum are very close friends too. It was a love message. It caught me unawares, and so I unlocked the phone to read the full message. My dad had been pronounced dead minutes later, and I was supposed to be crying or something but I couldn’t stop myself from reading their conversations dating back to the messages he hadn’t deleted yet. They also exchanged a lot of gay porn and from their conversations, planned on which positions to try when they were together. I went through his google search history and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. My dad was married to my mother for 40 years. I couldn’t tell for how long he and the man had been together, but they were very close friends when I was a kid. I haven’t told anyone in my family, and I don’t intend to. As for my mother, I don’t want to break her heart. My 10-year-old self would tell my mother everything.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Otis: Okay! Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mizuno K

Let’s Talk To Vance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 123: Vance

DBM: Hi Vance. How would you describe yourself?

Vance: A man who doesn’t compromise on things that matter to me. I am married and have a daughter.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Vance: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Vance: I got a gig when I was a university student to sell my sperm. The motivation given me was that, aside the potential to earn money, I had the opportunity to do some real good by helping others to have a baby. It was a woman who approached me first on campus. After explaining things to me, she walked me to her car to introduce me to her husband. Apparently, they had been scouting on campus for days searching for a specific kind of guy. I had the looks and athletic physique they both could agree on. The next phase was for me to print out copies of my semester examination results, which they paid for. They were very pleased with my grades. They tested my temperament with weird discussions and then finally, asked me to charge for my service. They had rented a fully furnished one-bedroom house, close to campus, for me to be meeting his wife for sexual intercourse. The agreement I signed stated explicitly that the woman would stop coming over the moment she’s confirmed to be pregnant by their doctor. She took seed on the third month of being with me.

DBM: What else was in the agreement?

Vance: I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her. I wasn’t going to be a part of their baby’s life; total parental control handed over to them, non-disclosure and not getting in touch with them when it’s over. They took my contact information if the child ever needed a life-saving medical intervention.  They haven’t contacted me yet.

DBM: Meaning, the child is doing alright, which is good – no?

Vance: Yes!

DBM: How much did you charge them?

Vance: I asked for a motorbike, tuition fee from level 300 to final year fully paid; books and feeding allowances, and paying the rent of the one-bedroom house till I graduated from Legon.

DBM: That was a smart fee

Vance: Yeah!

DBM: How long was this?

Vance: 20 years ago

DBM: Oh, okay!

Vance: The plans I had for my life included earning a master’s degree, which I have, finding a good paying job, which I also have; getting married, which I am and having children. My wife and I have been struggling to conceive for the past seven years. She’s always crying because she feels she’s being looked down upon due to social stigmatization. My wife has had three miscarriages already. She also battled with endometriosis and we aren’t sure if she’d be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Dave, our desire to be pregnant is currently screaming out loud

DBM: There is hope for you and your wife

Vance: My wife is currently stressed beyond her tolerance. She’s become so depressed, it’s affecting our marriage. I’ve been thinking…

DBM: No!

Vance: No what?

DBM: I know what you’re about to say

Vance: What?

DBM: That child is NOT yours.

Vance: She has 50% of my DNA in her

DBM: How do you know she’s a girl?

Vance: I tracked her

DBM: How?

Vance: I searched for the names of the lady and her husband on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram recently, and found them. The woman has been tagging our daughter in her posts on Facebook. She’s a student at KNUST.

DBM: How do you know that’s your daughter?

Vance: It’s her. You should see her eyes and face. She smiles just like my little sister

DBM: Does your wife know about this past?

Vance: No.

DBM: Do you have any idea how disruptive this information can be – if she’s to find out?

Vance: That’s why she’s never going to find out

DBM: What are you planning next?

Vance: I’ll be travelling to Kumasi to find her. I feel she needs to connect with the other side of her roots.

DBM: Have you factored in the incalculable effect it could have on her state of mind as a student? The effect it could have on her family?

Vance: I am also her family

DBM: You signed over your parental rights for a motorbike

Vance: She’s still my blood. What if her father dies? Wouldn’t it be prudent of her to know her biological father is there for her?

DBM: What if you die after revealing your identity? How do you expect her to process your loss?

Vance: I’m not dying any time soon. Dave, I want to be present in my daughter’s life, and help her whenever she needs help

DBM: Even if your intentions have the probability of costing you and her family something? Whatever you feel is motivating your decision isn’t aligning with the contract you signed with her parents.

Vance: I am willing to refund their money with interest, if that’s what it’s going to cost me to have a relationship with my daughter.

DBM: What if after the great reveal, she doesn’t want to be your daughter?

Vance: That’s her choice to make.

DBM: I still think you’re being unfair. You agreed to a transaction and its detailed terms, and now you’re refusing to honor your word. I don’t think that makes you trustworthy

Vance: Rules are meant to be broken sometimes

DBM: If your wife is not going to know about all this, why are you chasing after the girl?

Vance: It’s for my own satisfaction; the knowledge that I have a daughter who knows about my existence

DBM: How does that translate into comforting your wife? Or she’s not your concern right now?

Vance: God will give her strength. Dave, I love my wife but some things are just what it is.

DBM: Okay!

Vance: Yeah!

DBM: I want to introduce something new with these conversations, starting with you. Leave the next participant a question to answer.

Vance: On what subject?

DBM: It could be on anything

Vance: This is my question: What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year old self be disappointed in you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Pikx By Panther

Let’s Talk To Yumna

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 122: My name is Yumna

DBM: Hello Yumna. How would you describe yourself?

Yumna: I’m a survivor

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Yumna: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Yumna: When I was 15 years, I was raped by my mother’s boyfriend. We were staying in the Pretoria Moot area. It’s a neighborhood supposed to be having a strong sense of community, yet get raped as a young girl and see who would jump to your defense or be a safe space to turn for help. I couldn’t speak out against my perpetrator; no one would have believed me, not even my mother. The perception of me out there wasn’t great, simply because I loved to dress and look pretty. Dave, I feel more comfortable wearing short skirts than wearing any other kind/type of shorts or trousers. I was able to move around freely, especially in crowded places. That was my crime 17 years ago, because I decided to wear a mini-skirt and a cropped top to go partying with my friends. My biggest fear was getting shunned and blamed for something I did not do, and that’s what he would have done – telling my mother I tried seducing him. Because he was loved in the community, and respected by my mum. I was conditioned and threatened to keep quiet about it. And so, I did. Long story short, he married my mother and got away with it.

DBM: Who else knows about what he did to you?

Yumna: It’s not a story I could easily come forward to share, partly due to the shame attached to it. I ended up blaming myself even though I knew I didn’t do anything to deserve what he did to me.

DBM: This must have been really tough for you!

Yumna: David, time did not in any way heal this wound. Rape is an unfortunate experience that no lady can just pretend to live through. I had to go through it, the trauma, the fear and shock, the disappointment and hurt; all those feelings of failing myself – I had to feel them. It burdened me until the feelings kind of, run out eventually. That was my only way out of driving myself crazy.

DBM: I’m so sorry this happened

Yumna: It’s past. I just want to share how far I have come since that incident, to encourage any girl feeling like a failure.

DBM: How far have you come?

Yumna: I’m a Registered Nurse working in the Cardiac ICU at the Lenmed Ethekwini Hospital and Heart Centre, located in Durban, South Africa.

DBM: Oh, nice!

Yumna: And, I’m very proud of myself

DBM: You should be.

Yumna: I run away from home, four or five days after the incident. I didn’t feel safe in my mother’s house because he had moved in to stay with us. He had his own house, but after what he did, I don’t know the discussions he had with my mum, they decided to rent his place out so it could serve as another source of income for the home. When I realized he would be sleeping over at mum’s, I run and never looked back.

DBM: Run to where?

Yumna: I had money saved, so I went to one of my father’s sisters at Sebokeng. My mother didn’t like this particular aunt, and so I knew her home would be the last place my mum would come searching for me. After narrating my ordeal to her, she promised not to call either of my parents. I was enrolled into a new academic programme at a different school.

DBM: How was life in general for you at Sebokeng?

Yumna: It was a different kind of nightmare. My aunt was a sex worker, and though it wasn’t a job she was proud of, it was the means through which food was put on my plate. She made sure I was devoid of any real exposure to the inner workings of her profession. And she reminded me to do better than her in life, so I can be sending her money when I grew up.

DBM: Where is she now?

Yumna: She died when I turned 29

DBM: Did she have a family of her own?

Yumna: I was her only family. She never married nor had children. She was of the opinion that marriage would restrict her freedom to be.

DBM: What is the relationship between you and your mother now?

Yumna: There is no relationship

DBM: And your dad?

Yumna: We’re very cool

DBM: He knew about your whereabouts when you left your mum’s?

Yumna: No. They all got to see me for the first time in a long time at my aunt’s funeral.

DBM: Do you miss your aunt?

Yumna: She was the mother I never had. She did not have an easy life. Her reputation may have stunk in the community, but she was humble and very generous. Most of those who talked bad about her did not know about her graciousness and kindness. She worked long hours just to pay for my education. Though her line of work may not be what I’d ordinarily subscribe to, she used her services to find me opportunities. Some of her clients were directors and managers of scholarship trusts. She traded what she could offer for scholarships to enable me through my education. She serviced the right clients for my breakthroughs. I studied hard to maintain every opportunity she brought my way. And interestingly, none of her clients made advances at me – to return the favor.

DBM: Were you able to make it up to her?

Yumna: I did. She moved in with me till her death. She died of HIV.

DBM: How do you feel about everything that has happened to you thus far?

Yumna: My life so far has been a journey. It has not been easy for me but everything I have gone through has contributed to where I am today. I will smile in spite of all the odds I am bound to experience on this new path I’m on. I see my life today to be good because I’ve been striving to live consciously with each day’s challenges. My aunt may have been a prostitute but she had something special to give me. Whoever comes your way has something to offer you – that is, if you’re open to receiving it. I’m living through life, loving and learning from it.

Image Credit: Laura James

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Easton

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 120: Pastor Easton

DBM: Hello Easton. How would you describe yourself?

Easton: I am a young man growing up to become a true man of God. I wake up every day striving to keep my heart pure. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes as a human being, but as a Christian, I try my best to ensure those mistakes are minimized. I love the Bible, and I read it every day. The wisdom of God helps me into making good decisions, and I work hard at becoming smarter, and most importantly, a very disciplined young man.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Easton: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Easton: I have been following the conversations you have with people, and it’s been an interesting source of information for me. I want to use this unique opportunity with you to encourage anyone feeling down and alone, God loves you completely.

DBM: How old are you?

Easton: 46

DBM: Married?

Easton: Yes. I’ve been married for 15 years

DBM: Okay! Please continue with your message

Easton: Many of us are finding ourselves in situations that are making us feel like we’re lost and without compass. The love of God encompasses you wholly, and it’s so perfect a love – though some of us refuse to see and acknowledge it. The love of God actually has very little to do with us, Dave. It’s got everything to do with Him.

DBM: Why did you choose to become a pastor?

Easton: It wasn’t my first choice of interest. In fact, there are days I sometimes wonder how my life would have been by now if I had pursued my dreams of becoming a medical doctor. Because I had the grades and got into the programme alright. But after the first two years, it started to feel like I was running from God. I suddenly had no passion for science; I just wanted to preach the Word of God to people on campus. I became a pastor because I know it’s an honorable job. I love studying the Word of God and preaching from it. It’s actually fun, Dave. I get paid to study the Bible and in order to challenge the faith of others into understanding the workings of God. I do not take the Call upon my life for granted.

DBM: Tell me about your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. How has it impacted your everyday routine?

Easton: Accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior has helped me to be honest and just. I understand what it means to live to please God. I overheard my wife once telling my son that, ‘daddy (which is me) has a decent character and his conscience is clean. Because of my relationship of Christ, I know how to speak to people; I know how to always tell the truth.  Every move I make, I consult with The Lord in prayer; every decision I take, I look unto The Lord for guidance and direction. The love I have for Jesus, is similar to the love I express on my wife… It’s genuine and true.

DBM: How do you tell the difference between the Will of GOD and your own agenda for yourself and the church?

Easton: I am persistent in seeking and knowing His Will and guidance. And I know I’m growing spiritually each day with Him to strengthen our relationship. What I know is, whatever God wills will come to pass, regardless of what I think or do. Nothing I do or say affects God’s ultimate plans. I flow with God, and because of that I understand His nature and character. This has enabled me to go after what He desires of me in all situations.

DBM: What is your all-time favorite Bible passage?

Easton: Matthew chapter 6, verse 31 to 34, ‘So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own’.

DBM: Why this particular passage?

Easton: I am a believer of the fact that, my God shall provide, because He’s on my side. That’s why I hardly worry about things that are beyond my control.

DBM: Many of your colleagues are abusing their authority, embezzling church funds, are into sexual indiscretions; they’re lying, exaggerating on issues, giving false prophesies and interpretations; playing mind games on their congregants, all because they feel they can get away with it. Are you doing any of that, and what’s your take on what is happening with most church leaderships?

Easton: I live in a five-bedroom house built by my dad. It was willed to me. My late father was a physician in the UK. He had two children, I and my sister. My sister resides in his other home in London, with her family. It’s the money he left me that I used in building this church. Monies from the church does not come to me. The church has a board managing its affairs. The members of the board are all professionals with their individual careers, aside their love for the things of God. They are not paid by the church. They volunteer their professional services to keep the church running. Just like any other church, we need money to operate our facility, that is why we have a system to collect donations. These monies are partly used to pay me, the church staff, bills within the church, and some allocated for specific outreach programs. Departments and ministries within the church submit their budgets, and we give some of these monies to them to operate. 30% off the total financial donations is set aside to push the benevolence fund. It is strictly to help our church members in need. Our obligation as a church is to God, the neighborhood we fellowship in, and the members of the church.

DBM: How much are you paid a month?

Easton: Almost 4,800 Ghs

DBM: Are you part of those cheating on their wives and lying/pretending about it?

Easton: I have never known any other woman intimately, but my wife. I made a promise to God, in the presence of other witnesses to love my wife, comfort and honor her; I promised to keep only to her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others – by being faithful to only her as long as we both shall live. This promise, I have no intention of breaking. And it has nothing to do with me being a pastor or Christian. It has everything to do with me being a man of my word. A man can be trusted if he’s managed to keep this very important vow. I will trust a politician who has kept this vow. I will trust a church leader who has kept this vow. I will trust the ordinary man who is keeping this vow. My son ought to see his dad live in truth, so through it, see honor and integrity as an attribute worth chasing.

DBM: I know people who are trying to live an upright life the best way possible for GOD, yet are trodden underfoot. I see and know preachers using their authority to take advantage of vulnerable people.

Easton: God will judge every single one of them according to their deeds. They will reap whatever they’ve sown. They will get their due even if they seem to be progressing day in and out. Their days on earth are like a shadow; they will come but go quickly. You will find this scripture in Ps. 102:11

DBM: Why do you fear the Lord?

Easton: Because eternal life is my goal. I look forward to justice winning and evil being vanquished.

DBM: What do you make of what I do with my Facebook account?

Easton: There’s a calling on your life, David. And how you’re managing your Facebook space is part of what I believe God wants you to do. Allow people to share with you what is on their minds. Do not let them edit its details and contents. Let them speak their truth. Let them come as they are. For nothing at all, my wife and I prayer for each participant we read about on your page. You’ve developed the tenacity to keep on keeping on, and so David Bondze-Mbir, keep on keeping on.

DBM: I have this one important question on my mind. I don’t know how to ask it because I don’t want to talk about it. You’re a pastor, figure out what it is, and address it accordingly to my hearing.

Easton: There is no conditionality in God’s love for you. He loves you no less than He loves me. Just as you are, He will meet you in the place of your need. And when that need is met to your satisfaction, whether or not people approve, you’re still a child of God. God knows what you are like, He understand your heart and believes you deserve all that is beautiful to gladden your heart. That is actually the good news you need to hold on to. Nothing else matters.

DBM: Noted!

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