Let’s Talk to Hugh and Papina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 110a: Hugh

Partisipant110b: Papina is my name. Or Ivy. Both mean the same thing

DBM: Hello Hugh and Papina. How would you describe yourselves?

Hugh: Work in progress, trying to improve my own life.

Papina: As for me, I take big risks. That is how come I am able to realize my big wins. I am in my early 30’s, and always looking to be better – meaning, I learn from my mistakes. I’ve been through hell and back, so I nowadays prefer to rather take a step back and soak in as much information from people and circumstances as possible. I am currently living in my moment and I am working towards a dream that looks bigger than myself. I have a degree in Marketing. I am also a young mother

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Hugh: 9

Papina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hugh: I eavesdropped on a phone call between my wife and one of her girlfriends. She was telling her how she also agreed to marry me for purely financial motivations. And was encouraging her friend to do same with her new guy. How can a Christian woman marry me for some reason other than love?

Papina: In my defense, the love came later

Hugh: Liar

Papina: I am telling the truth; I did not fall in love with you until our third year in marriage.

Hugh: Did you marry me purposely to have financial support, a good roof over your head and also, to live a comfortable life?

Papina: Yes

DBM: Did you fall in love with your husband because of his generosity?

Papina: Yes Dave, I did

Hugh: Why then were you excited and at a point, even in tears on our wedding day – during the exchange of vows?

Papina: You couldn’t keep your hands off me. You had held my hand so tight and looked like you meant every promise from the vows you were making to me. I knew that you loved me, and that made me feel lucky

DBM: How long have you been married?

Papina: 6 years

DBM: What do you think are your husband’s best qualities?

Papina: He makes me laugh like no other, he’s very supportive and kind; emotionally very intelligent, he is smart and committed to the success of our marriage; he is forgiving and understanding, and I love our lazy morning sex when he slips into my morning shower to give me a quickie.

Hugh: Dave, ask my wife if she’s a gold digger

Papina: When we first met, I did not mind you trading your money and status in exchange for sex and my good looks. You wanted both in your life, and it came at a cost

Hugh: You told me you loved me too before we got married. All of it was a lie

Papina: First and foremost, we all lie. You used to lie to me too for reasons best known to you

Hugh: Why weren’t you upfront with the truth? You wanted someone to take care of you; I could have done that without the commitment of a marriage

Papina: Telling you the truth as at that time wouldn’t have gotten me what I have now

DBM: What do you have now?

Papina: I have a good man in my life who does special things for me to tell me how he feels. He shows me every day, how much he cares about how I feel – and that, whatever makes me happy is important to him.

Hugh: According to your explanation, it was best to lie to get me interested in our relationship?

Papina: If you had told me up front that you wanted sex from me when we first met, I would have ignored you because you weren’t my type.

Hugh: Then I’m still not your type

Papina: You’re my type. The fact that you have more money than less elevates your potential automatically to every woman. Money is a plus for a man.

DBM: What’s your favorite memory with your wife?

Hugh: Me?

DBM: Yes

Hugh: I don’t remember

DBM: Come on!

Hugh: I don’t have any

Papina: Can I answer for myself?

DBM: Sure

Papina: The first time we had to reminisce about when we first met, by going through our old pictures together. That was the day I realized I was falling in love with him. I connected with my husband in a way I could not imagine

Hugh: My best memory of my wife is, she’s a master of manipulation and sweet talk.

DBM: Be nice, please

Hugh: I don’t think I can trust her anymore

Papina: Why don’t you trust me anymore? You haven’t lied to me before? You’ve had side chicks since we married. Have I ever complained? Before you asked me to be your girlfriend, you had another woman in your life, yet you told me you were single. Or you thought I couldn’t handle the truth?

Hugh: Keep justifying your actions

DBM: Hugh

Hugh: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your wife?

Hugh: Yeah

DBM: What are the four places you’ve considered having sex with your wife, other than in your bed?

Papina: 🥰

DBM: Sup? Lol!

Papina: 😎 He will answer this one. I know my husband

Hugh: I want to eat her out on the kitchen counter when the kids are in school, press her naked body against the window in the hall, fuck her hard on the hood of my car in the garage and on the staircase

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Hugh: She’s important to me

Papina: Awww!

Hugh: She’s been encouraging and excited about my progress and choices in life

Papina: That’s because my feelings and what is important to me are your priorities. We have come so far that I cannot imagine a time when I will not love you. I’ve found the man I want to love forever in you

Hugh: What if I lose all my money? Would you still love me?

Papina: At the moment, I know your assets are producing a higher net return, which makes it impossible for you to lose all of your money. You’ve made excellent financial planning decisions which spreads well beyond your investments. We are good.

DBM: Smh! Women and money!

Papina: Money seduces us differently. The content of a man’s bank account determines the depth of a woman’s love for him. The only time a woman would go for a broke guy is when her cashflow permits her to choose anything she wants for love.

DBM: I love how candid you both are with your communication

Hugh: I believe that if you love someone, you do not tune them out even when the conversation is not about something that you’d want to talk about.

Papina: We’ve both been genuinely interested in what we have to say about anything, anytime, any day. And, it’s working for us in that department.

DBM: What do you fear the most?

Hugh: Losing my wife

Papina: I’d say the same, losing my life; losing my husband and all that he’s worked for

DBM: Why do you tolerate your husband’s affairs?

Papina: Dave, I am tough o; I have not come this far in life by simply putting up with garbage thrown at me to decay my self-esteem, never. Also, prior to his affairs, I was already tolerating a whole lot from him. That is not to excuse bad behavior. We have set boundaries in our marriage and he knows very well that he is not allowed to put my life, health, sanity and our home in any form of danger. He does not look or touch his phone when we’re interacting at home. He understands the clarity of priorities when he is home. Most importantly, he ensures the home has everything to make its inhabitants feel comfortable

DBM: That is good enough?

Papina: For me, it is. That is me standing up for myself. That is me not beating myself up because of someone else’s bad behavior. I’ve told myself that nothing he does should have the capacity to drain me emotionally. I’d rather be gone and not let the door hit me on my way out.

Hugh: I have no issues in my marriage

DBM: I know quite a number of married men who have split themselves into two; their first part believing of themselves to be good and well-behaved husbands who’d do any and everything to stay attentive at home, but then, encouraging the second part of them to carry on with an affair. Do you fall in this category?

Hugh: I do

DBM: And, is it going to be like this forever?

Hugh: A time will come, I will not be acting on my fantasy outside of my marriage. A time will come, I will only be taking my feelings about the fantasies I want to explore with my wife seriously. A time will come, we will laugh about my foolish past together

Papina: Hopefully, sooner than later before you squander your time without holding on to something meaningful with me. Today you can be here, tomorrow you’d be gone.

DBM: It was a good conversation. Thank you!

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

Let’s Talk To Wyatt

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 109: Name is Wyatt

DBM: Hi Wyatt. How would you describe yourself?

Wyatt: Someone’s beau, humorous, handsome, sexy, dapper, brilliant, hardworking, supportive, adventurous, very confident and can be affectionate.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Wyatt: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wyatt: I am in a six-year relationship with my girlfriend. Honestly bro, I am very content with what we have and okay to let our relationship stay just the way it is, boyfriend-girlfriend, without any status change. My girl on the other hand, wants an upgrade in my level of commitment to her… And she feels marriage does that for her. I am not dragging my feet about this whole marriage conversation; it’s just that I don’t think it’s all that important if we still have what we have, which we both love.

DBM: Marriage is not important to YOU, you mean to say, no?

Wyatt: Dave, we’re doing everything married people do. How is that any different?

DBM: How old are you?

Wyatt: 39

DBM: How old is your lady?

Wyatt: 33

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Wyatt: I’m a statistician

DBM: And your lady?

Wyatt: Nurse anesthetist

DBM: So, you’re in the position to be married then?

Wyatt: I can get married today, that’s not the issue. I am not ready

DBM: When do you think you will be ready?

Wyatt: When I’m ready. I don’t see the rush in this

DBM: Do you know why your lady wants marriage?

Wyatt: She’s eight weeks pregnant, and I think that’s her sudden tick-tock

DBM: Congratulations!

Wyatt: Thank you!

DBM: There should be a reason why you don’t want to be married now. If I don’t want marriage, I would know why. Why don’t you want to get married?

Wyatt: Marriage can be a lot of work

DBM: How do you know?

Wyatt: I just know

DBM: From which experience? You’ve never been married, have you?

Wyatt: Friends share their experiences with me. I have family members also talking. Most of my married male friends wish they were single

DBM: How does their unique experiences reflect on how yours could become?

Wyatt: Marriage puts unnecessary expectations on a man’s behavioral commitment. I don’t think I am ready for such a transition.

DBM: Enlighten me on the behavioral commitment bit

Wyatt: If I am to get married, then it means I would be limiting myself only to my girlfriend. This makes me miss out on so much

DBM: Miss out, how?

Wyatt: Come on, Dave, you’re a guy

DBM: I honestly do not understand your statement

Wyatt: I also don’t know how to explain it

DBM: Can I try putting myself in the shoes of your woman?

Wyatt: In which sense?

DBM: I want to try arguing from her perspective

Wyatt: Smh!

DBM: Being married would protect our baby. Our child can lead a healthier, long life if we’re to be officially committed

Wyatt: Dave, giving our child a loving and safe upbringing requires just more than a ring and a priest. Our child will not be anything less than ours; he or she is not going to be illegitimate, or a bastard. He or she is not a sin if born out of wedlock. Us being unmarried doesn’t necessarily risk our unborn child into poverty. He or she will not fail in school because we are not married. Our child will not suffer from emotional or behavioral problems because we are not married. How we raise and protect him or her would solely be our decision to make.

DBM: How about the fact that, marriage can offer me the legal protection that could or would make it more pleasing a step for me to take before giving birth to our child?

Wyatt: It’s just a piece of paper. Luckily for me, my girlfriend does not rely on me to survive. She works and earns her own money, even though we support ourselves and would do same for the child when its finally here.

DBM: Let’s assume she isn’t working

Wyatt: She works. Let’s stick to what my current reality is

DBM: In your response to my earlier question, you stated that marriage may limit you to just one woman. How about your woman wanting marriage because deep down, she feels it could increase your sexual fidelity?

Wyatt: I know she believes that

DBM: Do you?

Wyatt: Dave, you have been chatting with a ton of married women and men. Is that the reality on the ground? Because all of my married male friends are cheating on their wives. Nothing really has changed

DBM: Are you cheating on your girlfriend?

Wyatt: I am

DBM: And you don’t think a commitment in marriage would make you want to do right by her?

Wyatt: I am doing right by her. Having a few affairs isn’t an indication of whether or not I am a bad person.

DBM: But do you feel like something is missing in your relationship with your lady?

Wyatt: Nothing is missing or broken. We’re intact. I am happy

DBM: Is she happy?

Wyatt: I think so

DBM: How would she feel if she’s to find out about your affairs?

Wyatt: I don’t know

DBM: Are you satisfied with your self and actions as a man?

Wyatt: Somewhat. I am always doing what is best for me

DBM: How would you define your relationship with your girlfriend?

Wyatt: We’re exclusive. She’s my world, my everything. And I love her so much

DBM: So, you have agreed to be exclusive with her, yet here you are doing other women on the side while your leading lady is remaining true to you and your agreement of exclusivity. How fair do you think you are being? Is she not satisfying you sexually?

Wyatt: She is

DBM: Have you fallen in love with any of those other ladies?

Wyatt: No!

DBM: Is there boredom in your relationship?

Wyatt: No, we have a lot of fun. Dave, I am not a bad person.

DBM: You may not be a bad person, but you clearly aren’t an honest man

Wyatt: What do you want me to do? Marry her even though I don’t feel like it?

DBM: No! From what you have told me, marrying her wouldn’t even be a realistic promise of permanence – with regards to your romantic relationship. But Wyatt, you can at least be honest with yourself and your woman for a change.

Wyatt: I am honest the best way possible.

DBM: I see. Was the pregnancy planned?

Wyatt: No

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Ryutaro Tsukata

Let’s Talk To Xavier

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 108: Xavier

DBM: Hello Xavier. How would you describe yourself?

Xavier: I will describe myself as a man who is very much in control of his dynamisms, and is self-aware, and can channel my energies in the path to goodness.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Xavier: 9 and a half

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Xavier: Prior to meeting my wife, I was in a two-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend. We were planning on getting married because she was pregnant. One day, while she was in the shower, a man sent a steamy message to her phone, which caught my attention because I was going to take her charger to charge my phone. The notification popped up on her screen, and I read the remaining of the message; it was incredibly intimate. Before I could process anything, he followed up with a voice message of him masturbating while reminiscing about their last intimate encounter, which according to him, happened the night before. This happened in 2014. Mind you, she was six months pregnant, and until I heard that message, had assumed the pregnancy was mine. This is an ex who convinced me not to have sex with her because she was having a high-risk pregnancy. She made me believe she had a low-lying placenta, which her doctor confirmed with the term, placenta praevia. I still remember it like it was just yesterday. The long and short of the story is, her child belongs to the doctor, and they’ve been together since our breakup.

DBM: Omg!

Xavier: I met my wife on my way to attack the doctor at the hospital. I was driving and then suddenly, I had to pee. I found the nearest office building and had to beg and bribe the security man to allow me use the bathroom. When I got out of the washroom, I met my wife on the hallway, and I could swear she looked just like a crush of mine from high school. I probably might have been horny because her smile turned me on.

DBM: Ah! But weren’t you the same person angry a minute ago?

Xavier: The quality of voice she used in saying ‘heya’ to me – got me thinking

DBM: About what?

Xavier: Rather than looking to what my ex had done and fighting her doctor, why not focus on who was sharing her brightest smile with me in the present to solve a problem.

DBM: What problem did her smile solve in your life?

Xavier: I have tears in my eyes just recalling the day I met her. That simple ‘heya’ imbued the rest of my life with so much magic. It made me consider whether or not letting an opportunity like her pass me by, really was worth my time and energy. Who would have known ‘heya’ could teach me how to pick my battles wisely? Her smile made me forget I was angry; that is magic. And since that day, I stopped fighting over every little thing. Dave, when you’ve had your heart trampled on, it takes a special ‘heya’ to let yourself be vulnerable to trust again.

DBM: How would you describe your wife?

Xavier: If ever there was ‘the one’, then it would be my woman. She’s the only lady that I had been with for love to call us to marriage without any sexual happenstances involved. I am in no way saying I don’t feel like sleeping with my wife any time I set my eyes on her. As her husband, the passion she exhumes in me is erotic 24/7. But she did not meet all my requirements for the perfect woman I desired. Getting to know her drew my attention to the other attractive qualities in her that were even better than anything I could have wanted in a wife. She triggers my inner hero to come along.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Xavier: Eight years in August. We dated for seven months

DBM: Your ex, how did you finally get closure?

Xavier: I loved my ex-girlfriend but had to walk away because I didn’t have it in me to trust her again. Talks about her brings up certain emotions that I cannot explain, even now.

DBM: Hmmm!

Xavier: But I forgive her

DBM: What is your favorite thing about your marriage?

Xavier: Oh, that is simple; I wake up in the morning and the first thing I tell myself is to love my wife more than I did the day before. I give her a kiss, iron her dress while she prepares the children for school. I hug her before leaving the house, and offer a gargantuan, extended hug when I return from work. I’ve been consistent with the same routine for eight years, to the extent that, she expects it from me every day.

DBM: Why is such a routine important to you?

Xavier: Choosing to love my wife, I believe is within my control

DBM: It is!

Xavier: Yeah!

DBM: What do you think seems to be the glue holding your marriage intact?

Xavier: The fact that me and my wife go out of our way to take what we have seriously. Our commitment is pure; she’s my best friend, my confidant, lover, and the woman I can laugh and be playful with. My wife trusts me. She believes in me, desires me sexually and I am sexually attracted to her. I’ve had eyes for only my wife, and she’s made sure that sex is a priority in our marriage. She sees how hard I work for the family and encourages me on a daily basis. She does this in front of our children, friends and family a lot. My wife appreciates my every effort and I do same to her. I think we have the correct balance of deed and restraint when dealing with each other.

Image Credit: EJ

Let’s Talk To Rayowa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 107: Rayowa

DBM: Hi Rayowa. How would you describe yourself?

Rayowa: Omo Naija in the house

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rayowa: A 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rayowa: I want to do something different with you to unlock value. Let’s exchange information based on our understanding and experiences of things, situations and with people. I will ask you any question that I feel you would enjoy answering, and vice versa. It can be personal; it can be general. I will not hold back with the truth, and I am hoping you wouldn’t either?

DBM: What if I do not find a question enjoyable?

Rayowa: You tell me, and I will ask something different

DBM: Okay!

Rayowa: How old are you?

DBM: 38. You?

Rayowa: 45. How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

DBM: Lol! I’d say 7 today. Tell me a little about Nigeria

Rayowa: Nigeria is a developing country, with its capital being Abuja. We run the Federal Presidential Republic type of government. Our currency is the Naira, and English is the official language spoken. There are other languages such as Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo and Fulani. We have a population of about 215 million people. The Nigerian knows how to survive and excel in all circumstances, reason why ‘Naija no dey carry last’, meaning, Nigeria never would come last. I’ve been taught to marry well, amass as many degrees as possible, and earn enough money so I can take care of my parents in their old age. I am also to do way better than my parents – in every way or form. The mortality rate of the country is high due to AIDS. And just like any other country, crime is high in Nigeria. Even an individual wearing a police uniform can commit a violent crime so easily. 419 is another level of Nigerian-operated fraudulent schemes. Nigerians want to be respected at all cost because we are hardworking, we are super competitive. Nigerians are driven by societal statuses, and yes, we can be stubborn.

DBM: I see

Rayowa: What do men want?

DBM: I don’t know what men want

Rayowa: What do you want?

DBM: With respect to?

Rayowa: Love, relationship

DBM: I want someone who answers my every question honestly, and is willing to volunteer any form of information needed to be heard. I want a love-relationship that encourages growth and fidelity. I want my peace and quiet; I want to eat good, healthy meals and build a friendship worth keeping.

Rayowa: Your turn

DBM: What are the two good things you learned from your mother?

Rayowa: My mother did not settle at every turn in her life and love relationships when she was being treated like crap. She’s currently in her fourth marriage, and this has been her longest and happiest. Because of her, I know how to say ‘no’ to any situation that seeks to cheapen who I am. I will not take just anything simply because others think there is nothing better out there that could come my way. Just like my mum, I am worthy of something better; I am worthy of someone better.

DBM: That’s a good response

Rayowa: What two things did you learn from your father?

DBM: I wasn’t close with/to my dad; I still am not but I observed certain things about his way of life when I was younger. He would always pursue what he truly loved and believed in, rather than being trapped in an office doing things he didn’t so much enjoy. I have learned to do things I am truly excited about and amazingly good at; so far as it doesn’t feel like a job, I will never tire doing it. The second would be, living a simple life within my means. I never saw him judging himself based on other people’s values and metrics… Because he was never competing with anyone. It was never his style to show off to anyone to prove a point. He only did what he believed in, and was in competition with just himself to achieve his goals.

Rayowa: I love that

DBM: What is the one exciting thing in your life right now?

Rayowa: I recently enrolled as a PhD student at the University of Oxford, after many attempts of applying for PhD scholarships. I am very happy and proud of myself right now.

DBM: Congratulations!

Rayowa: Thank you, Dave. Do you think a man is worth fighting for?

DBM: What type of man?

Rayowa: The type one is in love with

DBM: I don’t ‘fight’, it’s draining and too much work/stress.

Rayowa: You’ve never fought for something you believe in?

DBM: I have, and that was when I didn’t know any better. Today, I only will ‘fight’ for the right side – which is obviously my side.

Rayowa: You will not fight for a love that once made you feel good?

DBM: ‘Once made you feel good’. Question is, what has changed now?

Rayowa: Say, there is a hidden competition for his attention somewhere else

DBM: No! I only believe in investing in people the best way possible. If they don’t/can’t do the same for you, you let go. The reason why I don’t engage in ‘fights’ is because it involves a win by either getting beaten or beating someone else down. At this point in my life, my energy and focus are solely on figuring out what drives true joy from within me. I will let you go if you don’t think what we share is that special to cherish.

Rayowa: Just like that?

DBM: Just like that!

Rayowa: Even if he makes me happy?

DBM: If he was making you happy, you wouldn’t be thinking of doing any and everything to have him in your life. If you love him, and want the relationship that bad, he should be choosing you too. You don’t fight for his attention all by yourself; it’s supposed to be a side-by-side interest genuinely expressed by the both of you. He should be deserving of you as much as you think you deserve him.

Rayowa: It’s your turn

DBM: What am I not asking you that I should?

Rayowa: I don’t know how to keep my husband for myself

DBM: Is your husband showing you all the respect, consistency and depth that you know you deserve in the marriage?

Rayowa: Not really. And he’s become so unreasonable to even talk to lately. I feel like I have done more than he deserves

DBM: If you’re to stand back and take account of your husband’s deeds, he should be the best representation of what’s in your very best interest. You’re not built to break in a fight for a man; you’re here to fight for what you believe is due you. You’re in a position to see your husband as a man worth fighting for if you represent the woman, he believes is worth fighting for as well.

Rayowa: Dave, I have been a good wife to my husband

DBM: It’s still irrelevant if all he leaves on your heart is a scar. I would entreat you to pray for the Wisdom of GOD to know whether or not your husband is the right man for you; because some wins aren’t even worth the scars in the long run.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight

Let’s Talk To Zuri

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 106: My name is Zuri

DBM: Hello Zuri. How would you describe yourself?

Zuri: I know who I am, I know what my priorities are in life; I know what I want and need, I love the woman that I am because I stay true to myself.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zuri: Eight, I think

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zuri: I grew up with two mothers and my father. This is the story behind their arrangement; my birth mother was the best friend of my father’s wife. Apparently, when the couple were ready to start a family, his wife could not get pregnant. They had tried conventional methods by having frequent sex during her fertile window, etc. Six years passed in their marriage with no cry of a baby. The wife of my dad complained to my mother and she offered to carry his baby for her. I still do not understand the details and nature of their friendship, but I know the three of them have been sharing the same bedroom for as long as I can remember. My mother is not married to my father but they’re one big family. I am the only child of my parents

DBM: How old are you?

Zuri: 27 years

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see all three of your parents enter their bedroom?

Zuri: I used to think all families were like mine because I had never known anything different. But when I first found out most families consisted of just two parents (father and mother), I thought it was abnormal because that wasn’t my experience.

DBM: Abnormal, how?

Zuri: The father-mother only relationship, because I am used to Father, mother and his wife

DBM: How would you describe your dad?

Zuri: He is my first love. He is hardworking, strict, silly sometimes; he’s maintained a safe and open home for all of us; he is very charitable, and I believe his perspective and personality together have contributed to who I am today.

DBM: Describe your birth-mother

Zuri: Mum is persistent and tenacious. She is passionate about other things and people but not about me. She’s in love with my father and will not let anyone walk all over him and get away with it. She is driven, and very intelligent. She will tell you, ‘No’, and mean it but also would deliver when she promises to do something. She can be a hurricane and tornado when provoked. My mother, I’d say is the representation of what bravery and resilience mean. The only person I think she’s allowed to see her vulnerability, is my father. She’s never wanted children, according to my father’s wife… So, I am not surprised she’s not been so much of a mother to me.

DBM: What has she been to you then, if she’s not been a mother-figure?

Zuri: More of a friend or an Aunt

DBM: How would you describe your father’s wife?

Zuri: I hope you have time for this one, because I do not even know where to begin. 😊She’s the mother I never had. She’s also the proof that true love does exist. She’s loved me without questions. She’s loved me with no bounds. She’s loved me without reservations. The love that she’s shown me to be springing from her heart can be trusted, and I find comfort in the truth that, no matter what, her love will remain by my side because it’s meant for just me. Her love for me is absolute, it’s steadfast and certain. She loves me more than she loves my dad.

DBM: Why do you think your birth mother isn’t that much into you?

Zuri: According to my father’s wife, my dad wanted his marriage to be exciting, and didn’t want to lose their sense of fun after having children. She desperately wanted to be a mother, and my birth-mother badly wanted to hang out with my father. When it dawned on my second mother that she was having trouble getting pregnant, she allowed the burden of it to push the fun in their marriage to take the backseat. She realized how much my mother was fond of my dad, and suggested he rather tried having a child with her. The three of them came to a consensus, and it seems to have worked for all parties involved. Everybody has what they want the most.

DBM: Is your father’s wife happy?

Zuri: I make her happy. I’ve also read jealousy in the way she sometimes stares at my mum, when she’s making my dad laugh out loud. My dad gives my mum more attention and hangs out with her a lot. He gives his wife attention but cannot be compared to the time he spends with my mother.

DBM:  What’s your relationship status?

Zuri: I am dating

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Zuri: It’s been two years

DBM: Has your parents’ relationship taught you anything?

Zuri: My father is always happy and looks his best when he’s with my mother. He laughs more. He jokes a lot, and is hardly in a bad mood. He looks good, alive and energetic when he sees my mother, and he’s more giving and kinder towards his wife and me because of whatever my mother does with him in bed. One mistake I don’t want to make is to assume that, having explicit fun with my man isn’t something of importance. From the little I have witnessed at home and my own experience with my boyfriend, life should be about great, exciting times with a man. Most men hate it, and would eventually get bored if we fail to prioritize having crazy fun in our relationships or marriages.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your parents’ union?

Zuri: My dad is always saying both women give him the respect due him. He loves the fact that his wife is an excellent cook and a nurturer/mother to me. She gives him peace and understands his intentions for the family. My mother on the other hand is the vital element connecting all three of them as one. She’s the game changer, the slut, the wife, and the other-woman. She’s also career-driven and supports the home financially. This takes the workload off my dad.

DBM: I see

Zuri: One woman can be all that my mother and my father’s wife are to him

DBM: I agree. But then again, it’s also important to protect your own joy; protect your peace

Zuri: Can you explain?

DBM: I know people who have accommodated all sorts of behaviors in their men, simply because they want to be in a relationship with them. The fear of being alone scares them so much, they are willing to compromise on their values and how they’d want to be treated in a relationship – just to have a man in their lives. I know people who would justify just any bad behavior in their significant other so they’re liked and wanted by them

Zuri: That’s not me

DBM: Good to know! It’s always best not to ignore your needs while in the process of putting that of those you love first.

Zuri: Yeah!

DBM: Do you love your boyfriend?

Zuri: Fiercely

DBM: I’m happy for you

Zuri: I am happy for me too

DBM: Do you know what your grandparents, from all three sides, make of your parents’ living arrangement?

Zuri: I know my mother leaves the house whenever any of my dad’s or his wife’s relatives visit the house. They also kept the news of my birth from everyone until I was nine months old. I wasn’t born in Ghana, and we stayed overseas for almost a year, after my birth.

DBM: So, your extended family from your father and his wife’s side think you are the daughter of his wife?

Zuri: Yes

DBM: At what age did they tell you about the truth?

Zuri: When I was 13 years old

DBM: Did you understand it then?

Zuri: I did

DBM: Okay!

Image Credit: Iury Bessa

Let’s Talk To Dhakirah

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 105: I love the name Dhakirah

DBM: Hi Dhakirah. How would you describe yourself?

Dhakirah: I am a nice person in the morning, good in the afternoon and sweet at night

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Dhakirah: I am 7 today

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Dhakirah: My husband’s mistress came to my office to ask if I am still in love with him. She’s told me she is in love, and has showed me evidence of their two-year relationship. From their conversations, he’s in love with her too and does not know what to do because he is married to me. Initially, I was wondering why a side chick would have the audacity to show face, but then a phone conversation she recorded between her and my husband proved that he enabled her to confront me. It probably was a joke, but then she took on the challenge to confront me.

DBM: How did she know where you work?

Dhakirah: From the recorded phone call, my husband told her when she asked.

DBM: Have you told your husband about this?

Dhakirah: No! A girl as daring as that will tell him what she’s done

DBM: When did she approach you?

Dhakirah: 3rd of April, 2023

DBM: And, your husband hasn’t said a thing?

Dhakirah: Nothing

DBM: Have you noticed any changes in his attitude towards you since his girl’s confrontation?

Dhakirah: He’s been engaging in deep eye contact with me, while smiling, laughing or shaking his head for no reason when he sees me. I read intimidation or fear from his body language when he tries to lock eyes with me lately

DBM: What other evidence of their relationship did she present to you?

Dhakirah: Pictures and videos of them in bed. Some, taken while my husband was asleep and naked with her in bed.

DBM: Do you have a copy?

Dhakirah: I did not ask for a copy

DBM: Why not?

Dhakirah: I think I had a hunch a few years ago that he may be having an affair, but because he was doing everything right by me, I thought it was all up in my head.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Dhakirah: We’re almost in a decade

DBM: Children?

Dhakirah: Yes

DBM: What pricked the hunch?

Dhakirah: He started making huge purchases for me, etc. He bought me a car, for instance. He sometimes also forgot to mention he was going to stay out late till he’s realized he’s late. He comes home and lies about a work gathering or something with friends that came up unplanned. He takes his phone everywhere at home, even to the bathroom

DBM: I take my phone everywhere with me, even to the toilet

Dhakirah: Why?

DBM: Because I love to read or listen to music while on the loo

Dhakirah: Are you also always texting on your phone?

DBM: Not really

Dhakirah: That, if I am to just ask what’s going on with you, you suddenly are on the alert and in a defensive mode?

DBM: No

Dhakirah: Trying new and rough styles and positions with me in bed; all of a sudden becoming conscious of the kinds of underwear he wears, etc.

DBM: So, you weren’t surprised then – when she showed up in your office?

Dhakirah: Not not

DBM: How would you describe her?

Dhakirah: She’s pretty and young

DBM: Why haven’t you confronted your husband?

Dhakirah: He knows what he’s doing

DBM: It doesn’t bother you?

Dhakirah: Would it change a thing?

DBM: What are you going to do?

Dhakirah: I am not going to allow this to bring me to my knees. My life is not empty, I am not sad. I am not in despair

DBM: Are you okay with your husband falling in love with another woman?

Dhakirah: I am not. I am also not the only woman whose husband is letting down

DBM: I see

Dhakirah: But I have something planned for him. That is why I am not wearing any hatred or hurt

DBM: You’re going to punish him?

Dhakirah: He’s not my son, I cannot punish him. And, it’s not my responsibility to raise grown-ass-man right; his parents already did. Who he is showing me is the man he really is

DBM: You make a good point

Dhakirah: Sometimes, the cure for infidelity is infidelity.

DBM: Meaning?

Dhakirah: Meaning, I am still processing what he has done to me

DBM: Are you still in love with your husband?

Dhakirah: I am in hate with him, even though I am still loving towards him after all that I know

DBM: I see

Dhakirah: Dave, a friend of mine needs advise

DBM: What kind?

Dhakirah: She and her husband both found out, almost at the same time that they had been cheating on themselves. He was doing his thing in either hotels or his other woman’s place, while my friend, his wife, was sleeping with her side-kick at home, in their matrimonial bed when he’s gone to work or traveled. My friend’s husband wants a divorce because he thinks my friend’s cheating was worse than his.

DBM: Worse in which sense?

Dhakirah: His was an away match while hers was home

DBM: I don’t see the difference

Dhakirah: I said the same thing to her, but the husband is angry and has been mean towards her. Her in-laws are all attacking and name-calling her, but are not discussing the man’s own affair.

DBM: It’s a man’s world, I guess

Dhakirah: But it’s an empty nest without a woman

DBM: Are you quoting James Brown’s song to me?

Dhakirah: You started

DBM: Smh! What do you have planned for your husband?

Dhakirah: I just told you about my friend and her husband

DBM: Yes

Dhakirah: Sometimes, the cure for infidelity is infidelity

DBM: You’re also going to cheat on him?

Dhakirah: Already did

DBM: Oh!

Dhakirah: This is my story, and I’m the one asking for a divorce

Image Credit: Motional Studio

Pandemic Baby – But Not Mine

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

I loved my wife, she was my missing rib and apple of my eye. If there is anything I could do to show my wife my earnest love for her, I would do it without having a second thought. I knew we would spend the rest of our lives together because I had devoted my life to her. She never at one point complained of my inability or failure to perform my responsibilities both to her and the children. I trusted her and there was no one I could give my trust other than to my wife. However, my forever was short lived, and till date I have never recovered.

My family had been going through difficult financial problems at the start of the pandemic. One evening I got a call from my manager saying I had been selected to travel outside the country for an assignment. After the call, I quickly called my wife and informed her of the good news. She was happier than I was, and before I could hang up the call she asked that we prayed; I obliged . Unbeknownst to me, that assignment will later come to change the whole of my life.

I noticed my wife had started changing, three months after I had left the country. She could no longer pick up my calls at night which became quite unsettling for me because we had agreed to always communicate. I brought it to her attention and the excuse was that she was alone and burdened with taking care of the kids, hence, she needed time to herself to rest. I understood her as I knew her being well-rested meant the kids would be well taken care of. We later agreed to call in once a week and write to each other regularly.

A year passed and things just became worse. I became stressed at work as I was not able to hear from my family. My wife had blocked me and my calls to her went unanswered. My performance had dwindled and I received warning letters. I did not want to lose my job because this was a life time opportunity that would help me complete our house and pay off the loans I had taken to take my wife to school. I persevered.

A year later, I had sank into depression not knowing how my family was. My contract was extended, that meant being away for another one year. I sent monies to her account to take care of the kids and complete the building despite having not heard from her for the last one year. I was a responsible man, I had to keep my word to my family. I sent my family to go check what was happening in my house only for them to report that my wife had moved out and they had no idea where she had relocated to. You can imagine what this did to me; my blood pressure was high for a whole month and I could not go to work.

Time flew and it was now time to go back home. I was not a happy man; where was I going to start searching for my wife and children? Her family knew nothing about her whereabouts. I started calling her friends and she had cut them off. I reported the matter to the police and investigations started.

My wife was found, with a five month baby. All this while, she had left my house to go be with her new found love. This is someone I had devoted my life to. How was I going to start all over again? My desire to bring up my children in a loving home was shattered. I felt sorry for my children the most. How could she let ten years of our lives go to waste? How was I blind not to see any tell tale signs? Why did she squander the money meant to complete the house? I ask myself these questions every day.

I have now started counselling but my heart is forever scarred.

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

Let’s Talk To Fofo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 104: My name is Fofo

DBM: Hello Fofo. How would you describe yourself?

Fofo: Right now, I am angry

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Fofo: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Fofo: My husband can be very annoying, and because of that we argue and fight a lot. There are days I just don’t feel like talking to him, especially when it’s that time of the night after an exhausting day at work. Because of one stupid advice given us by his mother on our wedding reception, he wants me to act the way he thinks his mother would have in a good way. Dave, I want to go to be angry when I am mad at my husband. I don’t want to talk to him when I don’t feel like talking to him. I don’t want him to touch my body after a fight. I want to go to bed as mad and wouldn’t want to make peace till I feel like forgiving him. How is that wrong?

DBM: I don’t see anything wrong with it. Going to bed peeved can also mean that I get to wake up the next morning feeling okay

Fofo: Me too, but not my husband. He’d want to make peace, and then fuck me afterwards. Then the next two or three days, he will repeat the same thing he did for us to argue, and the circle continues. Why do people think it’s wrong to go bed irked after a fight or an argument?

DBM: I believe in being your authentic self at all times. People pretend a lot just to sell a false narrative. If I am angry at my partner, I would need time to let go of the anger. Also, staying up later than I should stresses the hell out of me

Fofo: How much time is appropriate?

DBM: I don’t know; we are all different. I can only speak from my perspective and experience. Time could be seconds, minutes, hours, days or even a week. It all depends on the gravity of the fight. I am unable to think rationally when I am angry, that is why I prefer keeping my distance. I am able to make meaningful conversations only when anger hasn’t gotten the best of me

Fofo: My husband says for us not talking about the issue, we start to create divisions between us, and that could lead to more arguing and speaking to one another less and less. He doesn’t want a situation whereby our anger could force one of us to start sleeping on the couch or in another bedroom.

DBM: So, if he can picture all this, why does he get back into doing the very same things that pisses you off?

Fofo: You see what I am dealing with?

DBM: You know yourself and how much bullshit you can take. We all can’t be the same with our approach when it comes to conflict resolution. You need to be true to your feelings at every given moment. If I am in a heated fight or argument with my partner, and I can envisage saying or doing something to hurt this person I dearly love’s feelings, I would walk away from the fight before our relationship is unable to go back to where it used to be. I will go to bed not talking to you, wake up the next morning, and be intentional about rejuvenating what is important to me.

Fofo: My husband is the most important person to me

DBM: So, you go back to him to continue with the discussion

Fofo: What if he’s not ready to talk at the time you want to talk?

DBM: You let him be, because when you were not in the mood, you expected him to respect your space, no?

Fofo: This is where I think his point comes to play; we all keep dragging our feet till we’re both not interested in being friends again

DBM: Again, I can only speak from what works for me. I would rather go to bed angry and not have to talk to you, or look at your ‘stupid’ face, than to pretend to be okay with you till I am not… And then would say or do something which would be completely out of line. That wouldn’t be me going to sleep as honest as I could ever be with you. I refuse to hide my anger, simply because we have to work things out by hook or by crook. That isn’t honesty. Sometimes, in my anger and not talking to you, I am in a silent prayer to GOD to help me figure you or the basis of our argument out. I need my sleep to be able to process all the anger and pent-up feelings and emotions.

Fofo: I hate my husband’s stupid guts when he wants sex from me at these particular times too

DBM: You enjoy having sex with your husband?

Fofo: I do

DBM: This is what I would do if I were in your shoes; I would go to bed angry alright, facing the other side of the bed. Then wake up at dawn while he’s fast asleep, to speak to GOD from within to help you understand your husband. While in prayer, put your hand on your husband’s crotch. Does your husband sleep naked?

Fofo: Sometimes. Other times too in his briefs.

DBM: This particular evening, he would be wearing his briefs because you’re both mad at each other. Allow your hand to rest on his briefs, and then gently massage his penis and testicles. He will feel your touch and then would open his eyes to see what you are up to. Angry or not, the body can be somewhat ready for sex in the early mornings. Dawn sex can bring you and your husband closer together. Also, climaxing before getting out of bed can put the both of you in a beautiful mood for the rest of the day.

Fofo: My husband is the type who wouldn’t want us to discuss a problem in detail after a fight. If we are on good terms, he would trash it and pretend nothing has happened, simply because sex is back on the table. It’s like, he never remembers what were fighting about

DBM: Again, it’s not about winning an argument; it’s about making peace with the one person that you love. Not every fight would be resolved before we both go to bed; that is why we can agree to talk about it after we’ve woken up the next morning with a fresh attitude. The fresh attitude is inspired after the dawn broadcast. Fighting on the battle field is an art. You need to know how to pick these fights wisely

Fofo: Why do you guys use sex as your chip?

DBM: Have you ever wondered why the majority of men season while we age? Because sex is mostly a man’s cascade of youth

Fofo: Thank you Dave for chatting with me

DBM: You’re welcome. May I know how long you’ve been married, please?

Fofo: Seven years

DBM: Make it your best day today.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Men Don’t Weep When They Cry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I just want to say something about the last posts you put out. Especially the last one about the woman seeking divorce. I feel men are being accused wrongly of not caring, and I want to let women know that men too cry inside when they are in childless marriages. Dave, I am a man in my 40’s, and so is my wife, and we’ve been married for six years. We have been trying for a child since we married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is a teenager and lives with her mum. We have tried everything from visiting hospitals, wellness centers, churches to even a shrine but all to no joy.

Family and societal pressures have started coming in with the usual ‘go and have a child outside’, ‘your bloodline will die out’ etc. Sometimes there’s the ridicule from friends and family, and the most annoying part is the “what are you waiting for” questions. Look, as a man, hearing these things make you feel sad inside but due to the man you are, you have to walk chest-out-chin so no one knows what you going through.

My wife thinks I don’t care about our situation with my nonchalant attitude. She prays a lot and is ever willing to heed to any advice from someone who gives a recommendation here or there. But as men we don’t think like that. We analyze stuff and look at the risks and opportunity costs involved. Yes, children are not opportunity costs but where you find yourself financially also makes taking certain decisions very tough, especially when you have tried just about everything.

Men think a lot when they have no child in their marriages but do not show emotions like women do because of our ego, which is very important to us. I for one have never, and will never ask or chastise my wife for not having kids. I believe what ever will be will be, and I thank God I am not the kind of man who succumbs to pressure, else, maybe I would have done something by now.

I just want women to know that men breakdown because they have no kids with their wives, but have to show ‘macho faces’ to keep the boat afloat. Imagine both husband and wife sulking each day because of childlessness, who will console who? It is not only women who become exhausted and dazed over this process. Men like me are most often on the sidelines figuring out exactly how we can also be of help. It’s tough watching my wife go through unexplainable moments. I know I am sensitive to her feelings while we go through each passing day. No one can adequately prepare for the emotional resiliency needed to just endure times like these.

I do love my wife so dearly, and in-as-much as I would want to be a parent, I am also choosing to enjoy this beautiful relationship and friendship I have with my wife today. I am equally enjoying the time I have to myself, because who knows, should a child come today, we may not have this much time for ourselves.

My dear beautiful wife,

I am proud of the woman you are and the wife you are to me. I hurt when I see you so upset because of our inability to have children at the moment. I hurt when I see disappointment on your face. I believe anything is possible, and these times should rather be bringing us together to look forward to our future as a team, whereby we make decisions even if under stress. You’re everything important to me, so let’s learn how to prioritize what is important, versus what could be just noise in the background. Life can be such that, we may plan alright in our minds and desire whatever, but it would never turn out as expected. I lean on you, so lean on me. Trust that I have your best interest at heart, with or without children. Our happiness should not be on hold while others progress. There should be no room for anything else but us right now.

To the lady who has decided to settle for divorce, well it’s in your right to do whatever you want but if your husband shows nonchalant attitude and you think he just sleeps while you weep at night, I want to tell you that he has his weep days; you only do not see it because he’s a ‘man’, and supposed to be the strong one amongst you two. He’s apparently shocked at the divorce because it’s the last thing he expected. I say this because per your story, his only crime is he sleeps and displays a nonchalant attitude towards the issue.

Written by DD

Image Credit: Cristiano Silva

A Child; Security to my Marriage

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

This morning I struggled getting out of bed and quickly took my phone to call in sick at work. Last night, I could barely get into bed up until the wee hours of the night. When I finally did, I watched my husband deep in his sleep unbothered by the happenings of life. I thought about the happy times we had shared but our future was assured only, if I could conceive a baby . I held my chin as tears rolled down my cheeks, my heart beat, threatening to leave my rib cage and I asked myself  “when will the baby come?”

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the last five years with no success. If you ever told me I would struggle with infertility I would have laughed it out but that is my reality today. It is quite a dark place to be in as a woman because societal expectations dictates that after marriage there comes children; it has not been the case for me.

Having no children has resulted in unbearable pains in my marriage. I live in fear that as time passes by, my husband will ask for a divorce and I cannot help it. My husband is not the only person who thinks our marriage could come to a standstill but even friends; the plumber and the gateman have come advising me to secure my marriage which means ‘bear forth fruit for him’. If only they could tell them that I have gone for countless doctor visits, tried all sorts of concoctions and medications to no success.

Every month my period starts it is a reminder that I am running short of time to save my marriage. This month’s period has numbed my body because I recently discovered my husband has been trying to conceive with someone else. I have struggled with so many emotions knowing that if they succeed I will lose the person I love the most. I spend endless hours in the bathroom sobbing asking my womb “why can’t you bear fruit?” After all the rhetoric questioning, I stand up, open the door and conceal my feelings of shame, sadness and despair.

Today being Mother’s Day, I entreat all of us to be kind to waiting wombs. And if you’re wondering whether I have been able to secure my marriage, I have not. How I wish days could stand still for me to enjoy my marriage and for my husband to stop threatening divorce each passing month he sees me on my period.

Written by WM

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

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