Blog – Page 19

Let’s Talk To Ira

Written by David B on June 22, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 131: Ira

DBM: Hello Ira. How would you describe yourself?

Ira: I have to have money

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ira: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ira: My wife doesn’t want to be married again but I do. How do I get her to want to stay married?

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ira: 7 years

DBM: Seven good or bad years?

Ira: It’s not been an easy journey but it wasn’t all that bad

DBM: Why does she want out?

Ira: She says I do not meet all of her needs

DBM: Meaning?

Ira: She’s not happy

DBM: What were her expectations of you and the marriage?

Ira: I don’t know

DBM: You have to ask her

Ira: She doesn’t know how to explain her feelings at the moment

DBM: Did she have any ‘problems’ with you prior to getting married?

Ira: Everybody had a problem or two with their significant others before marriage

DBM: Those problems do not go away after the wedding, you know that, no?

Ira: I know

DBM: You need to find out why she’s not happy

Ira: That’s the problem, she’s not able to point out the specifics. All she says is, ‘this marriage is not serving my best interest. I am not happy. I will be better off single’

DBM: Do you believe she would be happy as a single woman?

Ira: We have children, Dave. I feel that our personal pursuit for happiness shouldn’t be the first priority. The kids are

DBM: I disagree

Ira: Why?

DBM: Did you marry her because of children?

Ira: Not really

DBM: Why did you get married?

Ira: Because she used to make me happy and vice versa

DBM: So, which of you stopped trying as hard to keep the other happy?

Ira: I’d say she did

DBM: Why is that?

Ira: She became all about the children. She put me second.

DBM: Who is your first now?

Ira: Certainly not my wife

DBM: There’s a new first?

Ira: I am willing to drop her for my wife and start all over again if she’s open to making our marriage a priority.

DBM: In other words, your marriage is currently on autopilot?

Ira: Something like that

DBM: I can understand why it’s failing for the both of you

Ira: Marriage is difficult, Dave.

DBM: Because marriage in itself automatically creates problems. It is rife with its own issues

Ira: And I miss being single sometimes

DBM: You miss being single because when you’re a bachelor, you only make decisions for yourself; you’re focused on you and what keeps you excited. If you have a wife, you put your marriage first. Seven years into the marriage and your love is already dwindling?

Ira: Not mine, hers

DBM: Do you know what your wife wants or needs in order to be happy?

Ira: I think so, but I do not want to start something I know I cannot sustain

DBM: Is whatever it is above and beyond your ability?

Ira: Not really

DBM: So, what’s the catch?

Ira: I have my needs and wants too

DBM: And, at what point can the two of you consider compromising?

Ira: I was the one always compromising till I got fed up

DBM: I bet your wife would say same?

Ira: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the way forward?

Ira: I want to stay married

DBM: To?

Ira: My wife of course, who else? Lol!

DBM: Why are you sleeping with the other lady?

Ira: I am not. She’s someone I used to date

DBM: And?

Ira: I sometimes miss what we used to have

DBM: Does she know you’re married?

Ira: Yes, she’s also married

DBM: Why is she the someone you enjoy talking to?

Ira: Dave, before I met and married my wife, I had a life and friends of my own.

DBM: Now you’re married, you have children, your priorities change. You focus changes. Even your energy changes

Ira: My friendship with this woman is what is keeping me levelheaded

DBM: Have you explained this to your wife?

Ira: She thinks there is something going on between us

DBM: What ingredients constitute this friendship?

Ira: It’s a beautiful bond we share. We’re good friends, committed to what we have; there is respect, trust and service; we love on the level of the love and attention we give each other.

DBM: Is there something else beyond friendship going on?

Ira: Yes, but we have no plans pursuing an affair

DBM: If you say ‘we’, you mean you’ve both identified the on-going chemistry and its probability of infringing upon your boundaries?

Ira: Yes. I don’t want to be pressured to cut her off

DBM: Is the friendship worth losing your marriage?

Ira: She’s no bad energy

DBM: Are you still in love with her?

Ira: I care about her

DBM: What does that mean?

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Is your ex inserting herself between you and your wife?

Ira: No

DBM: Are you inserting yourself between your ex and her husband?

Ira: I don’t think so

DBM: So, say a definite ‘No!’

Ira: It is what it is

DBM: Are you pursuing your wife as much as you’re invested in whatever it is you share with this your lady friend?

Ira: I try

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Ira: I think so

DBM: Do you value her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you cherish her?

Ira: I do

DBM: Do you serve her well?

Ira: I do the best I can

DBM: Do you know the best and worst of your wife, and still love her anyways?

Ira: I love her

DBM: Participant 130, Dofi, left a question for you: ‘Is it ever OKAY to lie?’

Ira: Sometimes. If you’re married to someone like my wife, lying the right way to her is what actually builds her trust in me. It’s all about when and how you tell the lie. When the intention behind what I’m saying to her is good, nothing else should matter.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ira: Do you think it’s better to stay friends with exes, or to cut ties with them? Are you over your ex?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: David Gomes

Let’s Talk To Dofi

Written by David B on June 20, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 130: My name is Dofi

DBM: Hi Dofi. How would you describe yourself?

Dofi: I love to learn

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Dofi: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Dofi: I’m in relationship with a guy I respect so much. I really wish I could put the reasons why I love him into words but I can’t. There is a problem. He introduced me to one of his uncles and he just happened to be one of the men I used to date. His uncle was the first older man in my circle of ‘daddies’ that I dated. I fell in love with him because he used to wow me with his kindness and crazy sense of humor. He was massively more committed in the relationship than I was, because he was a married man.

DBM: Is he still married?

Dofi: Yes

DBM: Why did you break up?

Dofi: He had another girlfriend. It’s a long story. Also, I was interested in a different guy

DBM: And so, you broke things off?

Dofi: He did

DBM: What was his reason?

Dofi: He needed to focus on his family

DBM: Okay! Did he?

Dofi: No. He’s the one guy I am probably going to have sex with even if I am happily married.

DBM: Why is that?

Dofi: He makes me feel like a woman

DBM: How does it feel like to be a woman?

Dofi: Safe, secure, protected, cared for, adored, loved, respected, shielded, home, free

DBM: I see

Dofi: Any woman who has ever been handled well by a good man knows what I’m talking about. Such women find themselves in a dilemma when these stand-outs show up to us suddenly for a fling. We may love our boyfriends or husbands but nothing would compare…

DBM: To that man who made you feel like a woman?

Dofi: Yes. They are the type of guys that we are physically, emotionally, mentally and monetarily attracted to, and may act on it

DBM: You met the uncle, and then what happened?

Dofi: He looked at me with his look

DBM: What look?

Dofi: That look that flirts with me to come for an expensive quickie

DBM: You’re obviously not serious about your boyfriend, no?

Dofi: I am, Dave. My boyfriend is always there for me and I love him for that

DBM: Does he know about you and his uncle?

Dofi: The issue is, I had been with his uncle a week prior to him introducing us.

DBM: Been with him, how?

Dofi: Sex

DBM: In other words, you’re cheating on your boyfriend

Dofi: Yes and no

DBM: Please explain

Dofi: I am not in a relationship with his uncle. What we share is a soul-tie

DBM: What is a soul-tie?

Dofi: It goes deeper than love; it’s not always experienced in a relationship setting.

DBM: Have you processed exactly what you’re doing to your boyfriend?

Dofi: What am I doing?

DBM: Cheating on him with his uncle.

Dofi: Hmmm!

DBM: What unrealistic expectations do you have of your boyfriend?

Dofi: None

DBM: Are you physically attracted to him?

Dofi: Very much

DBM: Does he work?

Dofi: He has a good paying job

DBM: He treats you good?

Dofi: Very

DBM: He loves you?

Dofi: He is in love with me

DBM: You can spend the rest of your life living with his character?

Dofi: Yes

DBM: He’s mature?

Dofi: He is my dream man

DBM: So, what will make you have sex with his uncle?

Dofi: I didn’t know they were related.

DBM: Let me rephrase the statement then, what will make you cheat on him?

Dofi: I don’t know how to say no to his uncle

DBM: Does the uncle pressure you to have sex with him?

Dofi: No

DBM: Why then can’t you say no to his advances?

Dofi: It’s not that simple

DBM: Simplify it for me

Dofi: Money exchanges hands. A lot of money

DBM: How much is a lot?

Dofi: $1500

DBM: Ghana Cedis you mean?

Dofi: No, Dave, USD for every meet

DBM: So, it’s about the money?

Dofi: Partially

DBM: What do you do for work?

Dofi: I have a day job. I can survive without his money but I still need it

DBM: Are you prepared to face the consequences of your actions by addressing what you’ve been up to with your boyfriend?

Dofi: Not in this world

DBM: How would you feel if he were to be doing the exact thing to you?

Dofi: I’d be hurt

DBM: Why are you doing it then?

Dofi: His uncle makes me feel invincible when I am with him

DBM: Your boyfriend makes you feel what?

Dofi: Invincible too, but on a different level

DBM: Do you know what you want?

Dofi: I know what I want

DBM: Who do you want?

Dofi: My boyfriend’s love and his uncle’s TLC which when combined, feels like an absolutely amazing field trip with lunch in a cool weather.

DBM: I see. Kindly remind me the purpose for this chat?

Dofi: I want to know if it’s okay to render to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and give to God what belongs to God?

DBM: Loving your boyfriend should come naturally to you when you realize how much he’s that much into you. You’re setting yourself up in a trap entertaining his uncle

Dofi: Ok

DBM: Participant 129, Pablo, left a question for you: ‘I am going to assume your house, containing everything you own and value, has caught fire. After saving your loved ones, you just happen to have time to safely make a final dash in there to save any one item. What would it be, and why?’

Dofi: My dildo. An orgasm before bed does wonders to my sleep. The sleep is better and sounder

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Dofi: Is it ever OKAY to lie?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Pablo

Written by David B on June 19, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 129: Pablo

DBM: Hello Pablo. How would you describe yourself?

Pablo: Responsible for myself and actions. I will do anything to protect those I love

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pablo: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pablo: I married the corpse of my son’s mother before she was buried three years ago. I had been in a relationship with her for five years. She did not want marriage because she didn’t believe in it but her family wouldn’t let her be buried until I had done the traditional wedding rituals. My intention was to run away when the spokesperson from our family presented the request from the deceased’s family to me. I had packed my things and was ready to go three days before the ceremony but couldn’t move my legs that dawn. That was the first sign I should have taken seriously. My legs unlocked later in the afternoon and could walk again. I went to the bus station the next day still with the intention of not going through with the rituals; our bus was involved in an accident on the road. Nobody got hurt. These were the two strong alerts I got and had to return to do the expected of me.

DBM: But your late girlfriend didn’t want marriage, no?

Pablo: She didn’t

DBM: Why didn’t you argue her preference in her honor?

Pablo: Her family wouldn’t listen to anything

DBM: Where was your son?

Pablo: With her parents

DBM: They knew you?

Pablo: They did

DBM: And were in favor of you marrying her corpse?

Pablo: I don’t think they did but they went along with what the head of their clad had proposed.

DBM: Were you living together?

Pablo: Yes, for four years

DBM: What was the cause of her death?

Pablo: We were expecting our second child. She was nine months pregnant and was in labor. I was at work when the call came through. I got to the hospital and she was dead. The baby had died too. Her mother was in the hospital with her and had complained to the nurses about her daughter being in pain, but was ignored.

DBM: Is marriage something you wanted?

Pablo: Yes, but I wasn’t financially in the position to

DBM: Do you think that could be why your girlfriend wasn’t interested in the idea of marriage?

Pablo: Maybe, because she was very understanding of my situation

DBM: Dead women do not talk so how could the marriage ceremony take place?

Pablo: The two spokespersons from the various tribes did all the talking and negotiations. The one leading our clan officially asked for her hand in marriage, and the other head accepted. We presented the items on the lists given us to their family. My late girlfriend’s siblings also took their Akonta Sikan. The dowry was presented and placed beside her corpse.

DBM: The dowry consisted of what?

Pablo: Bride price of Ghs 2000, Gin, whisky, pieces of wax prints and clothes, Bible, jewelry, kitchen utensils, makeup, the engagement ring and food and drinks for the invited guests.

DBM: How many people were present to witness this?

Pablo: 10 family members from my side, and 10 form hers

DBM: Did you invite any friends?

Pablo: Three friends added to make my side of 10

DBM: Hmmm!

Pablo: It wasn’t easy.

DBM: The corpse looked like a bride?

Pablo: I can’t remember but she was adorned with a kente, crown-like tekua, with gold jewelries and expensive beading to accessorize her. I was the only one who touched, hugged and kissed her while she lay there, dead.

DBM: Whose cost was it to bury her?

Pablo: We split the cost 50/50 between our families. According to them, I was her husband and had to bear part of the funeral costs

DBM: How old were you?

Pablo: 33

DBM: You were so young. Did this experience have any negative effects on you?

Pablo: Depression came over me at nights, whenever I closed my eyes. I’m scared of cohabitation. I’m scared of getting a woman pregnant. Marriage is no longer part of my plans. I used to not drink alcohol but now I do. I lost my sense of sleep and found it very difficult sleeping at night.

DBM: How is your son doing?

Pablo: He’s fine. He’s gone to school.

DBM: He stays with you?

Pablo: Yes

DBM: What’s the relationship between you and your in-laws like?

Pablo: We don’t relate that well. Not spoken to any member of their family in years.

DBM: How is the feeling like, being a single parent?

Pablo: Challenging. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The things I love about him cannot be put into words. He matches my daily actions and behavior, mirroring the way I speak and move my body. He loves hanging out with me

DBM: Are you up to the task of parenting solo?

Pablo: Dave, I am more than qualified to care for my son

DBM: What are some of the challenges you face?

Pablo: A lot. I am on my own running this our household; imagine if he’s to fall sick, and I have work to do, bills to pay, etc.

DBM: Do you have any plans going back on the dating market?

Pablo: I’m not ready to retire my right hand and Vaseline yet

DBM: I see. But don’t you sometimes feel alone?

Pablo: My son is relying on me entirely, and probably even counting on me to keep my shid together. He keeps me company. I am not alone

DBM: You don’t miss the warmth of a woman?

Pablo: I’m okay for now.

DBM: Participant 128, Maxton, left a question for you: ‘What gets you out of bed every morning?’

Pablo: My alarm clock. But I force myself out of bed day after day because of my son. I want to be better for him. I want to be strong for him. I want to be available to him. I don’t have the luxury of messing it up or breaking at any point. I don’t have it all figured out. I can only give it my best shot.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pablo: Let me see… I am going to assume your house, containing everything you own and value, has caught fire. After saving your loved ones, you just happen to have time to safely make a final dash in there to save any one item. What would it be, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Let’s Talk To Maxton

Written by David B on June 18, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 128: Maxton bro

DBM: Hi Maxton. How would you describe yourself?

Maxton: An achiever, happy and I treat people close to me well.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Maxton: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Maxton: My biological father failed me. He was not that much involved in my life while growing up. I sometimes feel like I could have had a better chance of excelling on a social basis, emotionally and academically if he had been present to me. He is still alive though. The man I had the privilege of calling ‘father’ was a former school mate’s and childhood best friend’s dad. He opened his home to me when he picked his son from schools 34 years ago, and I think heard me crying. He could tell I was hungry just by looking at me. I remember his son looking at him and asking if I could go home with them. His son had been sharing his food with me for weeks but had to stop upon advisement. I wasn’t a student at the school; I went there only with the hope of finding food to eat. Even with my 12-year-old mind, I could tell he saw his dad as an example of how to express concern and care. He could empathize with me because he was sensitive to his emotions, and could express exactly how he felt about my plight.

DBM: How old was his son?

Maxton: 10 or 11

DBM: Where was your mother during this period?

Maxton: Dead

DBM: Why wasn’t your father taking full responsibility of your wellbeing?

Maxton: His wife had suggested I rather stayed with one of my uncles. My uncle wasn’t married and was never home; I was always hungry. Going to that school was my refuge. I met people who liked me, got food to eat and books to read.

DBM: What’s your relationship with your biological father now?

Maxton: I’ve forgiven him. That’s not to say I condone his neglect

DBM: Understood.

Maxton: Yeah, I demanded for an apology. I felt he had hurt me in a way that, my expected response was to do something to even up or hit him where it would hurt. But he said he was sorry, and I believed him.

DBM: What happened after the other man had seen you crying at his son’s school?

Maxton: He bought me food, and then told me to visit their house anytime I felt like playing with his son. He got me enrolled in the school and paid for my fees.

DBM: What’s your life like now?

Maxton: I’m happily married, a father of two and love my kids to death. I am enjoying the whole process of influencing the lives and wellbeing of my children. The relationship I have with them is healthy; I understand them, I’m conscious of their feelings because I make time to bond with them; we talk to one another

DBM: How important is being a father to you?

Maxton: It’s a blessing I will not trade for anything else in the world. My kids think of me as the comedian of the house because I make them laugh all the time. I love hearing the sound of their laughter and their happiness therein. Also, I thought my wife was the love of my life till my troublesome kids came along. The depth of my love for them cannot be quantified. I love to look at them fall asleep, I love to hug them back, I love the way they smell, I love to kiss them goodnight etc. They bring the better version of me that I never knew existed out to play.

DBM: What do you think your wife thinks of you as the father of her children?

Maxton: I don’t know. Unless you ask her yourself

DBM: But she’s not part of the chat

Maxton: Hold on, will call her to come answer. Her name is Adjeley

Adjeley: Hello David

DBM: Hello! How are you doing?

Adjeley: Fine, thank you. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How would you describe your husband’s relationship with the children?

Adjeley: He loves them and always wants to be close to them. He enjoys teaching them new things and likes playing with them. He homeschools them during the weekends, helping them with their homework and going over whatever they had learned in the week. We do a lot of family outings too. I think because his father wasn’t that involved in his life, he’s choosing to be there for ours so the world someday can be prepared to receive them.

DBM: How is he as a husband?

Adjeley: He enjoys me and loves being near me. He tenderly shows it in the manner of ways he manages to spend time with me. He is a patient man. He is sensitive to my needs and speaks to me in a soft tone of voice. We’ve been married for 10 years and he’s never shouted at me before. He’s my buddy-buddy, has great sense of humor, he’s a great communicator and loves to talk to me about everything. He makes me happy. And, I’m well taken care of. He’s the one person I believe I can count on when the going gets tough. I trust my husband not to betray what we have built together.

DBM: Is there anything you want to say to him?

Adjeley: Mr. Quartey, you’re the only man who has made the effort to adapt to me, putting aside your own preferences just to make what we have work. I respect the way you respect me; I love the way you love me. You’re everything I dreamed for our children. You’re a great guy, and I am holding on to you till death do us part.

DBM: Thank you! Let me talk to your husband now.

Maxton: Dave

DBM: Yo! Your wife loves you very much

Maxton: The feeling is mutual

DBM: How did you meet?

Maxton: A friend introduced us. The moment I saw her, I had a hunch that she was meant for me. I fancied her. I was attracted to her

DBM: Is she a good woman to you?

Maxton: She is

DBM: How about to the children?

Maxton: She captures their attention. She’s a good mother

DBM: Participant 127, Silas, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal, loving smart or hard – and damning the consequence?’

Maxton: I do not think I have anything to prove to anyone when it comes to loving my wife and children. I show my love the greatest way I know how, and they get it. It is not attached to the opinions of people

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Maxton: What gets you out of bed every morning?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Brett Sayles

Let’s Talk to Ikhlas and Silas

Written by David B on June 15, 2023. Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 127a: I prefer Ikhlas

Participant 127b: Silas

DBM: Hello Ikhlas and Silas. How would you describe yourselves?

Ikhlas: There is not much to me

Silas: I am not perfect.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ikhlas: 6

Silas: 2

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ikhlas: My husband is refusing to talk to me, and I don’t understand why. There is a pending issue we have to address but he doesn’t want to talk about it with me. He’s not returned to the house for the past five days. I don’t know where he is staying, and he’s not willing to tell me either. I offended him and apologized but he keeps ignoring my calls.

DBM: How did you wrong him?

Ikhlas: He got to find out our five-year-old daughter isn’t his biological child. No, I did NOT have an affair. I underwent an IVF treatment which spur a pregnancy. I did it without his consent because he wouldn’t have agreed to it.

DBM: Why wouldn’t he have agreed to it?

Ikhlas: We don’t have the money

DBM: How did he find out that he’s not the father?

Ikhlas: He took a DNA paternity test and there was no confirmation of genetic match

DBM: Sir, do you mind me asking what motivated you to take the test?

Silas: I suspected it the dawn my daughter turned 5

DBM: How much did the IVF treatment cost?

Ikhlas: $12,000

Silas: Where did you get that kind of money from?

Ikhlas: Ken

Silas: What?

DBM: Who is Ken?

Ikhlas: My husband’s brother

Silas: Step-brother. You know very well I don’t speak to him, so why did you have to go and borrow his money?

Ikhlas: It wasn’t a loan. He gave it to us for free

Silas: Who is the us? Look, I don’t give a fuck. You know very well that I’ve not spoken to him in over 29 years. Why do you have to embarrass me like that?

Ikhlas: We needed the help babe

Silas: You and who needed his help?

DBM: Can I step in please?

Ikhlas: Yes

DBM: Why aren’t you talking to your brother?

Silas: I don’t want to talk about him

DBM: Noted, I will respect that.

Ikhlas: Because he feels he is a product of an affair his father had

DBM: Your husband doesn’t want to talk about his brother. Please let’s leave it as that

Ikhlas: Dave, Ken is a good guy. And he’s been trying so hard to have a relationship with his only brother, but my husband doesn’t seem to be open to that. Ken hasn’t done him any wrong. I feel that my husband’s anger isn’t directed to the right person. Ken is my brother-in-law, and I will not deny him that privilege. Also, God has blessed him, he’s rich.

DBM: Why did you undergo In Vitro fertilization without your husband’s knowledge?

Ikhlas: We were having trouble getting pregnant after eight years of marriage. The doctor evaluated the both of us and identified low sperm count to be the problem. My husband has fewer than 12 million sperm per millimeter, and a less than 30 million sperm total per ejaculation. The doctor explained that his chance of getting me pregnant decreased, due to his decreasing sperm counts. He suggested assisted reproductive techniques and my husband hasn’t been interested since. What have I done so wrong that you cannot find it in your heart to forgive me?

Silas: I can never trust you again

Ikhlas: Why don’t you want to talk about it with me then? Do you have to leave the house to express your mistrust?

DBM: He’s pissed at you, that is why

Ikhlas: And I’ve realized my mistake. I am sorry. Please don’t shut me out like that; I miss sitting with you.

Silas: Why did you make me believe the pregnancy was mine? Why did you make me raise our daughter as if she were my flesh and blood?

Ikhlas: You’re still her father. You love her

Silas: You lied and kept this very important information from me. You still don’t get it, do you?

Ikhlas: I do, and I am very sorry my love

Silas: Again, in what world is she my biological child?

DBM: She was born during your marriage to her mother. That, by default makes you her biological father and legal guardian.

Ikhlas: Yes, that’s true

DBM: You already have an established relationship with your baby girl. Do you think you can try to put your daughter’s best interest first, and maybe, your bruised ego second? Because as it stands now, you’re the only father your little girl knows as her own.

Silas: How do I explain this to my family and friends?

Ikhlas: I don’t think anyone else knows and should know about it

DBM: Madam, can you please just keep quiet for a minute! Your husband is still processing the shock of what you’ve done. Give him the space to think.

Ikhlas: I’m sorry

DBM: He is refusing to talk about it because it still hurts his feelings, as he’s less proud.

Ikhlas: Nana, I love you wai. I love our marriage so much. I don’t know what we will do without you

Silas: I need time

Ikhlas: How much time? Your daughter keeps asking about your whereabouts and I don’t know what to tell her anymore. She wants to talk to her daddy.

DBM: As much time as he may need. What you did bothers him and he’s trying to figure himself out, so he doesn’t have to resent you and his daughter in the future.

Ikhlas: Dave, can you ask my husband if he still loves me?

Silas: I love you

Ikhlas: Okay!

DBM: I pray you do not let so much time slip by while you’re in the process of figuring things out. Your wife and daughter need you, and the time apart and silent treatment may lengthen the misunderstanding and anger. This in the long run makes all the parties involved suffer from the stress associated with it. Your daughter is innocent in all this, remember.

Silas: Alright!

DBM: Participant 126, Knox, left a question for you: ‘What is the most important thing I should know about you?’

Silas: I finally got to be who I’m supposed to be because of my wife, I’m a father.

DBM: Awww! That’s very sweet of you

Ikhlas: Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed with stress and anxiety, my husband always offers to help with the dishes, which shows me how much he cares about me. It turns me on and gets me horny every time. I reward him with my best sex to destress.

Silas: That’s true

DBM: Five days away from home; don’t you miss your wife?

Silas: I do

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Silas: Which is ideal, loving smart or hard – and damning the consequence?

Ikhlas: I’m all in favor of my husband’s question.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To Knox

Written by David B on June 14, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 126: I’m Knox

DBM: Hi Knox. How would you describe yourself?

Knox: I’m easy to talk to and may have the magic effect to make people like me

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Knox: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Knox: A woman I’m in a relationship with wants me to be vulnerable with her so she can inspire me to come into the realization that, her love for me can make me want to become a better version of myself. I don’t think I will ever be the perfect man for any woman. I trust myself to make more mistakes; I’m certain I’d be giving in to more and more of my weaknesses, however, I am a man who wants to do better.

DBM: What version of you is she in love with at the moment?

Knox: The raw me

DBM: Describe the raw you?

Knox: Witty, attractive, charming but still guarded; the ladies’ man. I’m fire with a thrill

DBM: You love her?

Knox: I think I am falling for her. The feelings I have for her are strong

DBM: Explain the ‘ladies’ man’ bit

Knox: I’m able to talk a woman’s panties off

DBM: So, in other words, you’re a player?

Knox: I don’t think I am. She’s managed to pin me down somewhat

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Knox: Nine months

DBM: At what point in your schedule do you usually feel like you love her?

Knox: When I’m horny or lonely, or bored

DBM: Smh!

Knox: Why are you shaking your head?

DBM: Describe sex with her

Knox: Dave, I’ve gotten to know this lady for some time now, and I think we have a relationship that is growing based on the amount of time, care and commitment we’ve decided to put into it. Sex with her means something to me, probably because there are a lot of feelings involved on my part. The energy is kinda, different. I can’t even explain it, but it’s something I enjoy. Getting her off gets me off. I don’t think of my pleasure when I’m making love to her. My focus is always on giving her pleasure.

DBM: I like the sound of that

Knox: I’m afraid to admit it but falling in love scares me.

DBM: Why?

Knox: I don’t know. One minute I’m spending time with her, and the next, I’m suddenly distant.

DBM: Are you comfortable with the idea of being in a long-term relationship with just one person?

Knox: My fear is committing to her and then later realizing she isn’t my soul mate.

DBM: What kind of dream do you have for your future?

Knox: Wife, children, happy home, comfortable living, happy me

DBM: And it’s achievable, no?

Knox: Maybe, maybe not.

DBM: Has she come into contact with the real you that makes you stand out and not blend in?

Knox: Dave, I’m not all that good o

DBM: But there is an element of good to some extent to you, no?

Knox: I guess

DBM: What are you really afraid of?

Knox: My last serious relationship left me hanging

DBM: In what sense?

Knox: She chose someone else over me

DBM: How long did you date?

Knox: I thought we were in a relationship but later found out she was only weighing her options to choose from. We were together for three years; she weighed me for three years and I didn’t make the cut. I didn’t see it coming.

DBM: So, you feel like the past trauma is still coloring your idea of what a relationship could potentially be for you today?

Knox: I’m just trying to avoid an unexpected disappointment

DBM: Even though your current girlfriend is nothing like your past?

Knox: Better to be safe than sorry

DBM: Not surprised though! Many of us would rather be sensitive to what could be going wrong than focusing on what is actually going right for us in the now.

Knox: I can’t help it

DBM: What is the one good thing about your girlfriend that comes to mind?

Knox: She gives me the opportunity to protect her heart, and also, provide for her

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Knox: She’s an orthodontist

DBM: How about you?

Knox: A computer network architect

DBM: How did you meet?

Knox: She fixed some irregularities in my teeth and jaws, and I was pleased with how meticulous she was. My teethes are straightened because she created a corrective treatment plan precisely for my needs.

DBM: How did you end up dating?

Knox: I think I managed to explode the heat between her legs with just a feeling conversation, without even touching her. I left her craving for me

DBM: Which, ultimately was your intention, no?

Knox: Abi you know dada

DBM: Do you find yourself so caught up in the needs and wants of your woman to the extent of tossing your own needs and wants to the side?

Knox: Not with this lady

DBM: Meaning she’s a good catch?

Knox: She is. That’s why I like her

DBM: Do you deserve her?

Knox: I’m getting what I want

DBM: Great, but are you also getting what you deserve?

Knox: Yes. She’s the most beautiful person that I’ve ever experienced in my life.

DBM: That was all I wanted to know

Knox: I don’t know if what I’m offering her is all that she deserves

DBM: When it comes to my heart and its feelings, I usually do not want to be loved by many people. I’m very comfortable and content with someone in my life who gets me. That one person who has seen my worst a dozen times but still loves the me inside of me when my worst pops up. Someone who thinks of me and would smile and shake their head for no reason. Someone who delights in looking out for me; accepts me for all that I am, brings out the very best in me and most importantly, challenge me to be the very best of me that I could possibly be.

Knox: She does that for me

DBM: Then you need to be that kind of person for her too, can you?

Knox: I can

DBM: You will be fine

Knox: I hope so

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Knox: Are you a counselor?

DBM: I am not. Participant 125, Nanyamka, left a question for you: ‘If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?’

Knox: Oh, that’s simple; FUCK THE HELL OFF!!!

DBM: Hmmm!

Knox: What?

DBM: You don’t look like the type of guy to be using this kind of language

Knox: I don’t look like what I’ve been through

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Knox: I like this segment. Here is my question: What is the most important thing I should know about you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ekaterina Bolovtsova

Let’s Talk To Nanyamka

Written by David B on June 13, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 125: Nanyamka

DBM: Hi Nanyamka. How would you describe yourself?

Nanyamka: A woman who loves being a woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nanyamka: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nanyamka: I am being offered a way out of an unhappy situation. I know for a fact that opportunity seldom knocks at my door, and that, if this had been presented to my husband, he would have taken it in a heartbeat without my knowledge. Dave, naturally I am hands-on and always willing to take initiative. My husband is the same. I am not afraid to say yes to this opportunity simply because I may never know where it might take me. I’ve been offered a job in the UK, and I get to tag my husband and children along. I don’t mind going with the children. My problem is my husband, I don’t trust him. I know this is an unfortunate thing to say about my marriage but he’s been keeping secrets and lies. Let me give you one example: he’s created accounts on several dating apps describing himself as a single man in search for love. He’s exchanged contacts with several ladies outside of Ghana, and is heavily inciting them with the promises of love and commitment. He’s also cheated on me once with a lady at his workplace, which I know of, but he denies it.

DBM: Has he the ability to earn your trust?

Nanyamka: Dave, you’ve not met my husband. He knows exactly what to say and it would be at the exact time you need something tasteful to hear to mess up with your emotions. Every word coming out of his mouth is either a line or a lie. He’s aware of his ability to entice women with what he says and has been using it to his advantage. Unfortunately, everything about my husband on the outside looks just as perfect.

DBM: Meaning?

Nanyamka: People who know and respect him would doubt me if I’m to come out with these allegations. He’s built a certain image out there as the family man every woman should die for. Even my parents will believe his word over mine

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Nanyamka: I had my doubts about him when we were dating but I got pregnant with our first child, and that made me vulnerable.

DBM: Why do you think he married you?

Nanyamka: That’s a question for the gods. He doesn’t like it when people try to play mind games with his intelligence, but guess what?

DBM: What?

Nanyamka: The biggest game he’s played just happens to be me.

DBM: Why did you apply for the job in UK?

Nanyamka: It’s actually a new field in my expertise and I love challenges that foster professional and personal growth

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Nanyamka: I want to leave the children behind, in his care. He loves the kids but I feel like he’s emotionally disconnected himself because I am the active one in their lives all day, every day. He just fills in the gabs and spoils them rotten with gifts to make it up for his absence. I feel like I’ve enabled him into taking the backseat for far too long.

DBM: How old are your kids?

Nanyamka: They’re under 12 years

DBM: Looking at the description you gave of your husband, is he the kind of role model you’d want to be reinforcing ‘good’ behavior in your children?

Nanyamka: He’s their father

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: But most importantly, I’d want them to see through his bullshit as they grow. I feel like I’ve been covering for him for so long

DBM: How long do you intending stay away from them?

Nanyamka: Till the last child is 18

DBM: What happens to your marriage then?

Nanyamka: I’m trying to enhance my marriage with this decision. I’ve done everything possible to get my marriage back on track but I’m now at a place where there is nothing else left to do but to unofficially split up. My plan is to come and check on the children every three or four months. Dave, I’ve often struggled, always questioning whether or not I am doing the best I can for my children.

DBM: As a parent, you only have a limited window of time to adequately prepare your children to become responsible individuals.

Nanyamka: True

DBM: Does your husband know about your traveling plans?

Nanyamka: I’ve not told him yet

DBM: When do you plan discussing it with him?

Nanyamka: There is not going to be a discussion. I will just tell him the morning of my departure in August.

DBM: That’s not fair

Nanyamka: Fairness is in the eye of the beholder. David, my husband has managed to weaken the bond between us with his betrayal. I feel pained because I sacrificed more than enough of myself and aspirations to be available to him and the children. As it stands now, I’ve got to also choose myself above all else. I used to think it was healthier making my husband the first priority

DBM: What do you think is your job as a parent?

Nanyamka: Raising my babies with a strong sense of self-worth

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: My needs come first henceforth

DBM: Participant 124, Otis, left a question for you: ‘Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?’

Nanyamka: My future always begins with me staying in the present and now. The present and feeling good about it makes me feel better about life. Tapping into this good feeling enables me to attain what I want tomorrow.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Nanyamka: If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jennifer Enujiugha

Let’s Talk To Otis

Written by David B on June 12, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 124: Otis

DBM: Hello Otis. How would you describe yourself?

Otis: I stay true to myself majority of the time. I like challenges and I don’t always take the easiest routes out of a situation.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Otis: Eight

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Otis: As at March 14^th 2023, I was of the opinion that I was burdened by a conflicting issue. My wife is the perfect homemaker and we have a great friendship and relationship. She is her happiest when around me; she’s affectionate and caring, but I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hyping my energy to her level. We’re in our 8^th year of marriage and if I am to cast my mind back to the statistics within my circle of friends, the likelihoods of me and my wife ending up in a lifelong marriage could fundamentally be based on a coin toss. Dave, I’m going to be honest, my heart wasn’t in it last year and was indifferent about the way forward. Divorce or separation did cross my mind but I felt guilty at the thought of it because my wife really has been good to me. I know my life is better because I’m a part of hers, but I was in a state where I though my true feelings would be miserable if I continued staying married. The crazy thing is, my wife sensed my unhappiness and has been showing up for us to talk about what is going on with me. I just have not been able to truthfully open up to her about my feelings. What I want to talk about is how I had the perfect opportunity to meet a need in me with another woman but chose not to.

DBM: Why?

Otis: I realized abruptly that there is nothing wrong with my wife, and that I would have cheated regardless of who I was in a relationship with. I am the one with issues to deal with, not my wife.

DBM: That’s a first. Walk me through your process

Otis: I did meet with the other woman in the hotel room, and I was ready to rumble. But her phone kept ringing. She was ignoring the calls and it wouldn’t stop ringing, so I told her to answer it. That was when I realized she was married. It was her husband on the call. Yes, I did not know she was married. How we met and how our conversations built up to this moment is a story for another day; but I figured out she was cheating back because her husband had cheated on her. Listening to her argue with her husband on the call was my principal driver of loyalty to my wife. I found myself in a state of appreciation for my wife and all that she’s done for me, our marriage and the children. I never knew I could acknowledge her value that quickly, to the extent that, when the lady was done shouting on her phone, there was a less chance of me wanting to take the risk of hurting my wife by doing something foolish. I wasn’t ready to put my marriage in jeopardy.

DBM: How did you explain your ‘aha’ moment to the lady?

Otis: There was nothing to explain. I just told her I couldn’t. I booked the room for her though – to stay the night, which she said she did.

DBM: How easy or difficult was the sudden switch off?

Otis: It was within my decision-making process. Being sexually attracted to someone, I think is controllable. And from what I experienced; I could choose without a doubt not to act on my urges. Sometimes, family takes precedence

DBM: That’s good to know

Otis: It’s a choice. In fact, I realized that if I had gone ahead with the lady in the hotel room, it would have been a decision made out of my greed to satisfy my selfish needs.

DBM: What if your needs were valid?

Otis: Oh, the urge was valid. I wanted something different but I was awoken to the idea of maybe, creating that different feel with what I already have at home. I love my wife, no doubts about that; I just needed a reason to make a tough decision that was in her best interest for once.

DBM: Are you proud of the outcome?

Otis: I did good, I think. I chose to protect my wife even though she wasn’t a witness to it. I chose to put a smile on her face even though she doesn’t get to know about that. I caused my wife to feel loved and chosen by me. If I will be honest, she chooses me every day; this was my turn to do her the honors and return a favor. This decision also is a huge step to improve upon myself and our marriage, instead of destroying it. My wife’s hope in me couldn’t go down the drain just for a few minutes of pleasure. Loving someone genuinely burdens you to do right by them.

DBM: I concur. Do you know why you were assuming your life could be miserable while with wifey?

Otis: I don’t know why but I know it started as a fantasy. In my mind, I was comparing my present with a future. Future meaning, dating or being married to a different woman.

DBM: Do you still find your wife attractive?

Otis: I do

DBM: And you can imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her and being content with just her in your heart?

Otis: I think so

DBM: Whenever I find myself in the ‘I think so’ phase, it usually means I’m still beating myself up because my tolerance for the unknown and unpredictability is still on the low.

Otis: I don’t know

DBM: Otis

Otis: Yeah?

DBM: It’s okay not to be sure. It’s okay to sometimes also worry. I believe it’s okay to even feel bad about yourself sometimes. You don’t have to be strong all the time. I am proud of you for the decision you took in the hotel room. You’re a good man.

Otis: Hopefully, I wouldn’t fall apart at the long run

DBM: But even if you do, you have every right to. It enables you to find yourself all over again. So, it’s not always that bad. Give yourself some credit

Otis: I agree, I’m a good guy.

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Otis: She accepts me even when I don’t know exactly what to do with her attention. She’s caring towards me when I am indifferent about my emotions. She encourages me to learn what it takes to be good to myself with her love for me. I don’t know why I love her but I know I do.

DBM: That’s good enough a response. Participant 123, Vance, left a question for you: ‘What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year-old self be disappointed in you?’

Otis: I was by my father’s side at the hospital when he died. My mum had gone home to prepare his favorite meal because he had specifically requested for rice and palmnut soup. Before the doctor confirmed his death, he got a notification on his phone. I was holding his phone when it beeped. It was from one of his close friends, a family friend I would say. His wife and my mum are very close friends too. It was a love message. It caught me unawares, and so I unlocked the phone to read the full message. My dad had been pronounced dead minutes later, and I was supposed to be crying or something but I couldn’t stop myself from reading their conversations dating back to the messages he hadn’t deleted yet. They also exchanged a lot of gay porn and from their conversations, planned on which positions to try when they were together. I went through his google search history and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. My dad was married to my mother for 40 years. I couldn’t tell for how long he and the man had been together, but they were very close friends when I was a kid. I haven’t told anyone in my family, and I don’t intend to. As for my mother, I don’t want to break her heart. My 10-year-old self would tell my mother everything.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Otis: Okay! Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mizuno K

Let’s Talk To Vance

Written by David B on June 11, 2023. Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 123: Vance

DBM: Hi Vance. How would you describe yourself?

Vance: A man who doesn’t compromise on things that matter to me. I am married and have a daughter.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Vance: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Vance: I got a gig when I was a university student to sell my sperm. The motivation given me was that, aside the potential to earn money, I had the opportunity to do some real good by helping others to have a baby. It was a woman who approached me first on campus. After explaining things to me, she walked me to her car to introduce me to her husband. Apparently, they had been scouting on campus for days searching for a specific kind of guy. I had the looks and athletic physique they both could agree on. The next phase was for me to print out copies of my semester examination results, which they paid for. They were very pleased with my grades. They tested my temperament with weird discussions and then finally, asked me to charge for my service. They had rented a fully furnished one-bedroom house, close to campus, for me to be meeting his wife for sexual intercourse. The agreement I signed stated explicitly that the woman would stop coming over the moment she’s confirmed to be pregnant by their doctor. She took seed on the third month of being with me.

DBM: What else was in the agreement?

Vance: I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her. I wasn’t going to be a part of their baby’s life; total parental control handed over to them, non-disclosure and not getting in touch with them when it’s over. They took my contact information if the child ever needed a life-saving medical intervention. They haven’t contacted me yet.

DBM: Meaning, the child is doing alright, which is good – no?

Vance: Yes!

DBM: How much did you charge them?

Vance: I asked for a motorbike, tuition fee from level 300 to final year fully paid; books and feeding allowances, and paying the rent of the one-bedroom house till I graduated from Legon.

DBM: That was a smart fee

Vance: Yeah!

DBM: How long was this?

Vance: 20 years ago

DBM: Oh, okay!

Vance: The plans I had for my life included earning a master’s degree, which I have, finding a good paying job, which I also have; getting married, which I am and having children. My wife and I have been struggling to conceive for the past seven years. She’s always crying because she feels she’s being looked down upon due to social stigmatization. My wife has had three miscarriages already. She also battled with endometriosis and we aren’t sure if she’d be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Dave, our desire to be pregnant is currently screaming out loud

DBM: There is hope for you and your wife

Vance: My wife is currently stressed beyond her tolerance. She’s become so depressed, it’s affecting our marriage. I’ve been thinking…

DBM: No!

Vance: No what?

DBM: I know what you’re about to say

Vance: What?

DBM: That child is NOT yours.

Vance: She has 50% of my DNA in her

DBM: How do you know she’s a girl?

Vance: I tracked her

DBM: How?

Vance: I searched for the names of the lady and her husband on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram recently, and found them. The woman has been tagging our daughter in her posts on Facebook. She’s a student at KNUST.

DBM: How do you know that’s your daughter?

Vance: It’s her. You should see her eyes and face. She smiles just like my little sister

DBM: Does your wife know about this past?

Vance: No.

DBM: Do you have any idea how disruptive this information can be – if she’s to find out?

Vance: That’s why she’s never going to find out

DBM: What are you planning next?

Vance: I’ll be travelling to Kumasi to find her. I feel she needs to connect with the other side of her roots.

DBM: Have you factored in the incalculable effect it could have on her state of mind as a student? The effect it could have on her family?

Vance: I am also her family

DBM: You signed over your parental rights for a motorbike

Vance: She’s still my blood. What if her father dies? Wouldn’t it be prudent of her to know her biological father is there for her?

DBM: What if you die after revealing your identity? How do you expect her to process your loss?

Vance: I’m not dying any time soon. Dave, I want to be present in my daughter’s life, and help her whenever she needs help

DBM: Even if your intentions have the probability of costing you and her family something? Whatever you feel is motivating your decision isn’t aligning with the contract you signed with her parents.

Vance: I am willing to refund their money with interest, if that’s what it’s going to cost me to have a relationship with my daughter.

DBM: What if after the great reveal, she doesn’t want to be your daughter?

Vance: That’s her choice to make.

DBM: I still think you’re being unfair. You agreed to a transaction and its detailed terms, and now you’re refusing to honor your word. I don’t think that makes you trustworthy

Vance: Rules are meant to be broken sometimes

DBM: If your wife is not going to know about all this, why are you chasing after the girl?

Vance: It’s for my own satisfaction; the knowledge that I have a daughter who knows about my existence

DBM: How does that translate into comforting your wife? Or she’s not your concern right now?

Vance: God will give her strength. Dave, I love my wife but some things are just what it is.

DBM: Okay!

Vance: Yeah!

DBM: I want to introduce something new with these conversations, starting with you. Leave the next participant a question to answer.

Vance: On what subject?

DBM: It could be on anything

Vance: This is my question: What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year old self be disappointed in you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Pikx By Panther

Let’s Talk To Yumna

Written by David B on June 10, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 122: My name is Yumna

DBM: Hello Yumna. How would you describe yourself?

Yumna: I’m a survivor

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Yumna: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Yumna: When I was 15 years, I was raped by my mother’s boyfriend. We were staying in the Pretoria Moot area. It’s a neighborhood supposed to be having a strong sense of community, yet get raped as a young girl and see who would jump to your defense or be a safe space to turn for help. I couldn’t speak out against my perpetrator; no one would have believed me, not even my mother. The perception of me out there wasn’t great, simply because I loved to dress and look pretty. Dave, I feel more comfortable wearing short skirts than wearing any other kind/type of shorts or trousers. I was able to move around freely, especially in crowded places. That was my crime 17 years ago, because I decided to wear a mini-skirt and a cropped top to go partying with my friends. My biggest fear was getting shunned and blamed for something I did not do, and that’s what he would have done – telling my mother I tried seducing him. Because he was loved in the community, and respected by my mum. I was conditioned and threatened to keep quiet about it. And so, I did. Long story short, he married my mother and got away with it.

DBM: Who else knows about what he did to you?

Yumna: It’s not a story I could easily come forward to share, partly due to the shame attached to it. I ended up blaming myself even though I knew I didn’t do anything to deserve what he did to me.

DBM: This must have been really tough for you!

Yumna: David, time did not in any way heal this wound. Rape is an unfortunate experience that no lady can just pretend to live through. I had to go through it, the trauma, the fear and shock, the disappointment and hurt; all those feelings of failing myself – I had to feel them. It burdened me until the feelings kind of, run out eventually. That was my only way out of driving myself crazy.

DBM: I’m so sorry this happened

Yumna: It’s past. I just want to share how far I have come since that incident, to encourage any girl feeling like a failure.

DBM: How far have you come?

Yumna: I’m a Registered Nurse working in the Cardiac ICU at the Lenmed Ethekwini Hospital and Heart Centre, located in Durban, South Africa.

DBM: Oh, nice!

Yumna: And, I’m very proud of myself

DBM: You should be.

Yumna: I run away from home, four or five days after the incident. I didn’t feel safe in my mother’s house because he had moved in to stay with us. He had his own house, but after what he did, I don’t know the discussions he had with my mum, they decided to rent his place out so it could serve as another source of income for the home. When I realized he would be sleeping over at mum’s, I run and never looked back.

DBM: Run to where?

Yumna: I had money saved, so I went to one of my father’s sisters at Sebokeng. My mother didn’t like this particular aunt, and so I knew her home would be the last place my mum would come searching for me. After narrating my ordeal to her, she promised not to call either of my parents. I was enrolled into a new academic programme at a different school.

DBM: How was life in general for you at Sebokeng?

Yumna: It was a different kind of nightmare. My aunt was a sex worker, and though it wasn’t a job she was proud of, it was the means through which food was put on my plate. She made sure I was devoid of any real exposure to the inner workings of her profession. And she reminded me to do better than her in life, so I can be sending her money when I grew up.

DBM: Where is she now?

Yumna: She died when I turned 29

DBM: Did she have a family of her own?

Yumna: I was her only family. She never married nor had children. She was of the opinion that marriage would restrict her freedom to be.

DBM: What is the relationship between you and your mother now?

Yumna: There is no relationship

DBM: And your dad?

Yumna: We’re very cool

DBM: He knew about your whereabouts when you left your mum’s?

Yumna: No. They all got to see me for the first time in a long time at my aunt’s funeral.

DBM: Do you miss your aunt?

Yumna: She was the mother I never had. She did not have an easy life. Her reputation may have stunk in the community, but she was humble and very generous. Most of those who talked bad about her did not know about her graciousness and kindness. She worked long hours just to pay for my education. Though her line of work may not be what I’d ordinarily subscribe to, she used her services to find me opportunities. Some of her clients were directors and managers of scholarship trusts. She traded what she could offer for scholarships to enable me through my education. She serviced the right clients for my breakthroughs. I studied hard to maintain every opportunity she brought my way. And interestingly, none of her clients made advances at me – to return the favor.

DBM: Were you able to make it up to her?

Yumna: I did. She moved in with me till her death. She died of HIV.

DBM: How do you feel about everything that has happened to you thus far?

Yumna: My life so far has been a journey. It has not been easy for me but everything I have gone through has contributed to where I am today. I will smile in spite of all the odds I am bound to experience on this new path I’m on. I see my life today to be good because I’ve been striving to live consciously with each day’s challenges. My aunt may have been a prostitute but she had something special to give me. Whoever comes your way has something to offer you – that is, if you’re open to receiving it. I’m living through life, loving and learning from it.

Image Credit: Laura James

Let’s Talk To Ira

Let’s Talk To Dofi

Let’s Talk To Pablo

Let’s Talk To Maxton

Let’s Talk to Ikhlas and Silas

Let’s Talk To Knox

Let’s Talk To Nanyamka

Let’s Talk To Otis

Let’s Talk To Vance

Let’s Talk To Yumna

POPULAR

Contact Us