Let’s Talk To Uzoma

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 119: My name na Uzoma

DBM: Hi Uzoma. How would you describe yourself?

Uzoma: Fine Nigerian man with a wife and children inside Banana Island. I think I have a warm fuzzy in my heart.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uzoma: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uzoma: I’m not advertising myself; I am not trying to indirectly tell any woman how to feel about me. In fact, I am happily married; let me just put that one across. When I married my wife, one of her Aunties gave her this piece of advice during our wedding reception, ‘do not expect too much from your husband oo, Chiamaka, if you do not want to be disappointed someday’. My wife’s name is Chiamaka, which means, ‘God is good’. David, as a man who has been true to Chiamaka for the past 11 years of marriage, contrary to her aunt’s advice, I think every woman should rather expect a whole lot of a great deal from the men they’re in relationships with – and not for a second, be expecting disappointments. Good men should not be hard to find. And all the wonderful men aren’t already taken.

DBM: How old are you?

Uzoma: 43

DBM: Continue …

Uzoma: I’ve come across a dozen women who have told me to the face, ‘Uzo, I long for you.’ And all these women know I am married. Some even are friends with Chiamaka, yet find me desirable. When a man truthfully loves his wife, and is being loved back by her, the best version of himself shines through. As I chat with you now, I feel like I’m alive because this morning, Chiamaka caressed my loins, held me tight, kissed my lips, sucked out my third leg almost to tears, and rode me with so much confidence – I cum harder than a quickie. Then before stepping out to my car, she smiled at me and whispered love to my ears. A different woman will see me today and just assume I’m a fine man; but do they know the cause of my fineness? Chiamaka’s watered garden is what is bearing fruits to their admiration.

DBM: Hehehe. You’re funny 😊

Uzoma: It’s the truth, David. Nigerian men love mekwe

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Uzoma: Never

DBM: Why not?

Uzoma: Whenever I catch another woman checking me out, my heart billows with so much pride. In fact, I get excited because Chiamaka is working the right number on me.

DBM: Why do you think most men are not so clear lately about what it means to be true and of good character?

Uzoma: Again, let me use my Chiamaka as an example. When we considered dating, she took kpansh with me off the table. She wasn’t a virgin; I wasn’t either. It was a decision she had made, not to sleep with me. Today’s woman is all about celebrating her sexual freedom. I’m all for it but what she’s not aware of is that, her liberty to do whatever with herself is what is giving us men dominance to misbehave and get away with things on the sex market. If the milk was supplied me for free, what’s the relevance in revering the cow? To answer your question, I respect my wife so much to think of disappointing her. I fear letting her down. It will hurt my feelings to betray her trust in me. She’s the only inspiration behind the why I want to get my shid together.

DBM: Because she wasn’t willing to be your sex partner during the dating period?

Uzoma: Because it was impossible to pressure her into having sex with me.

DBM: I see

Uzoma: We had our first sex only because she wanted to sleep with me.

DBM: How long into the relationship?

Uzoma: After nine months

DBM: Why did she give in?

Uzoma: I’m guessing it had become clear to her that I was in for the long haul.

DBM: Are you for sex before or after getting married?

Uzoma: I am all for shagging

DBM: I see. What else is there to you?

Uzoma: As I said already, I love me some Chiamaka, and though we live under the same roof, we have different characters. At work, I’m one of the best team players, something I am very proud of. That is why when my wife suggested we hired a help to assist us at home, I said no. A house help, in my opinion, would have destroyed the level of teamwork that we share now at home. And I didn’t want at any point to feel like any of us were neglecting our duties. One thing I don’t know how to do is to cook. My wife is great at that, so whenever I get home, I show my gratitude in other ways. I talk and play with the children, help with their homework, and put them to bed every night, etc. On weekends, I clean the windows of the house, I help with laundry, I clean the toilets and bathrooms, the cars, take out trash, make the bed, etc. I’m basically saying, I sweep, I mop and dust

DBM: What’s your profession?

Uzoma: I’m a Petroleum Engineer. Chiamaka is a Financial Analyst

DBM: You’re both busy

Uzoma: We are

DBM: How many kids?

Uzoma: 3. Two boys and a girl

DBM: Interesting

Uzoma: When I get home from work, I put the pride aside and just humble myself before my wife and children. For 11 years I’ve been lending Chiamaka a helping hand at home, and it has helped our marriage a lot. My home is peaceful, clean, happy, fun, lively, and engaging. My wife feels relaxed, calm and excited to jump into bed with me at the end of each day.

DBM: I think you’re a good man, sir

Uzoma: Thank you, David. I try.

DBM: What are you most proud of?

Uzoma: I smile when at the end of the day, my wife gets to call her mom and mine to say hello. Being each other’s help-mate gives her hands time to check on others. I’m also proud of myself when I sacrifice my sleep, sometimes to attend to our daughter or sons – when they wake up at night. I do this so Chiamaka can have enough sleep for work.

DBM: Does putting in the work at home make you any less of a man?

Uzoma: On the contrary, I’ve seen marital problems fade away right before my eyes. I’ve been a witness to the effort Chiamaka puts into making me happy, and I am empowered to even do more for her and our children. I don’t know how to say this, but I think my wife has the keys to my heart. She treats me right

DBM: I would love to have a chat with your wife

Uzoma: I will pass on your message tonight

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Vazhnik

Let’s Talk To Rema

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 118: Rema please

DBM: Hello Rema. How would you describe yourself?

Rema: I used to be a very lively, focused and very happy but not anymore

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rema: Four David

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rema: My daughter and my marriage

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Rema: She will be 10 this year

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Rema: Almost five years

DBM: What’s going on with your daughter?

Rema: David, I had my daughter at an early age. She is very brilliant and very beautiful. She is the kind of child every parent is proud to have. Unfortunately, I have failed her.

DBM: Parenting can be hard

Rema: When I was dating, my husband and his family got to know I had a child. I was invited to bring her over. She was welcomed with open arms or so I thought

DBM: Okay?

Rema: I was told she couldn’t move in with me. My husband lives with his parents. I had to leave my daughter with her dad because my mum is a busy person. I thought if she couldn’t stay with me, at least, she could spend her vacations with me. But that also turned out to be something that was kicked against by my in-laws. I can count the number of times I have seen her these years David. She is in a different region and far away from me. She calls me every time, asking me to come for her. She sends me messages asking why I chose her brother over her and have abandoned her.

DBM: If your actions and decisions are causing emotional damage to your daughter, then you’re not doing something right

Rema: Yes David. I know as a parent I have failed her and keep failing her daily. She apologizes for wrongs she thought she might have committed, thus, me choosing to leave her with her dad.

DBM: Your daughter’s father, how is his character like?

Rema: He is very promiscuous. And it’s gotten so bad that he allows our daughter to stay with his girlfriends’ sometimes

DBM: Why did you choose a man over your own daughter?

Rema: My husband adores her; it’s just his parents. I know it doesn’t make sense but if I were to leave this marriage, my son would be taken away from me. He’s too young, and knowing them, I may not be allowed to be a part of his life. I feel I will put him through exactly how my daughter feels right now. But then again, my husband isn’t ready to move out of his parents’. He keeps telling me to be patient, and that everything will work out eventually. Not that he can’t afford it but his parents threatened him.

DBM: Don’t get me wrong with this; I understand how you equally want to be happy and feel loved and all that, I do get it. But choosing to become a mother was a duty you decided to take on, with the understanding of it altering your life forever, no?

Rema: Yes, it did change my life from the very beginning. I gave birth to my daughter three weeks after WACCE. I couldn’t get the grades an ‘A’ student was supposed to. Nonetheless, I work in the health sector now.

DBM: Why is your husband staying with his parents?

Rema: Because they want him there. His dad said he hasn’t given him the permission to leave yet, because they need someone to be serving them like his wife served his mother. Because they didn’t raise him to this level for him to choose me over them; and that if he should leave without their permission, they won’t talk to him ever again, not even in death.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Rema: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Rema: 31

DBM: Did you know about his family’s dynamics prior to settling down with him?

Rema: No, not at all. I wouldn’t have. They appeared as the nicest people ever. They made me feel loved. His dad could call me as late as 10 pm, just to convince me to allow them go see my people. His mum would tell me how I was an answered prayer to her. But it was all a big lie. They wanted a slave in their mansion; someone they could abuse without you saying a word. The emotional and verbal abuse from his parents is too much for me now. He feels I shouldn’t pay attention to their utterances because its old age

DBM: So, your husband chose his parents over building a future with you. Your daughter is somewhere crying because she’s been choosing you to choose her, yet you do not see the need to be extra picky, ensuring that you never put a man before your child?

Rema: Yes David, that’s the truth I’m refusing to accept. I don’t know why

DBM: Are you done serving your own busy mother?

Rema: No, on the contrary. I didn’t serve my mother. My mum had maids growing up and still does. I was served when I was with my mother.

DBM: I see. What are you going to do?

Rema: I honestly don’t know! I cry myself to sleep almost every night but I’m confused. I know that I have to step up because things cannot remain as they are but then again, will I be happy if I leave my son behind? Won’t it be choosing one over the other? Will my son not also blame me for abandoning him when he grows a little?

DBM: Again, YOU are their mother. So, what makes you think you have to leave your children behind?

Rema: My in-laws have constantly reminded me that I won’t leave with their grandchild. Because they have the power and influence to make that happen. Also, traditionally, the child belongs to the man where we come from. If I threaten my husband that I’m leaving, he will tell me to leave his son behind.

DBM: This is a man you believe is in love with you, and wants to make you happy?

Rema: I thought so, but I’m beginning to doubt his love for me

DBM: How much time do you want to spend away from your daughter?

Rema: Not anymore David! My life is a mess now; my daughter’s words and tears keep hunting me

DBM: Do you think you made that decision to let go of your daughter out of fear, or for the sole purpose of attaining a deeply fulfilling relationship with your husband and his family?

Rema: The latter David. I believed my husband’s promises of a better tomorrow, my daughter inclusive. I had the assurance he was going to do something about it, and how he dearly loved her and would want the best for her as much as I did.

DBM: Is there room enough at their home to house your daughter?

Rema: Yes, four extra rooms are fully furnished

DBM: Most parents often would try interjecting themselves in the lives of their children for reasons best known to them. Is your husband financially independent and mature enough to function without his parents’ influence in his decision making?

Rema: Yes, financially but maturely, I doubt it. His entire life has been centered around them

DBM: Is there an established zone of privacy in your marital home?

Rema: No, not at all. I’m constantly reminded the home is theirs. I can’t even lock my bedroom door 😄

DBM: Oh wow! And in what instances do you feel the most loved by your husband?

Rema: I can’t say; I can’t even remember if there’s any. Yes, I realized I wasn’t my husband’s first choice for marriage, after giving birth to our son. The hurt from that alone is something I can’t describe. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t have pushed through with this marriage. If I was firm from the beginning with what I wanted, things wouldn’t have gone this far. I would have been a lot happier with my children without marriage.

DBM: Anytime I had denied a desire close to my heart, just to serve another purpose in my life – it only led to hurt. Do you have any regrets?

Rema: My biggest regret however is abandoning my child that I sacrificed so much for, just to stay married.

DBM: What priorities in your life right now are of importance to you?

Rema: My kids please. I don’t want to fail the both of them.

DBM: I see you to be a conscious woman and mother. I don’t think of you to be selfish because you are human with needs and desires. Choosing to start a family with your husband wasn’t a selfish act; you did owe it to yourself to want and pursue what you wanted. A woman who is happy with her love life can equally be happy being a mum

Rema: Thanks for your kind words. I could have done better, if I didn’t allow the fear of starting over creep in. I overlooked so many things just to be married. Those very things are my worst nightmares now. Moreover, I should have found myself before the commitment of marriage.

DBM: I am a little concerned only about the fact that, both your husband and his family knew that you were a single mother. Meaning, there was already a sense of responsibility on your part to your daughter. Why they thought it wise to suggest to you to let her go somewhere else is what is troubling me. Did they truly accept you for you?

Rema: I doubt they accepted me fully. The only conclusion I can come up with is the fact that, I was accepted because we are from the same tribe. Like I mentioned previously, their son wanted to marry someone from a different tribe but they rejected her. (I only found out after I married him). Because nothing makes sense to me. My daughter is not even allowed to spend her vacations with me.

DBM: I guess my last question would be, is your marriage worth all the sacrifices you’ve made?

Rema: A big NO. Funny to say this, but I think he doesn’t love me. Maybe he did before but not anymore

Image Credit: any Lane

Let’s Talk To Atticus

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 117: Atticus

DBM: Hi Atticus. How would you describe yourself?

Atticus: A man of choice

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atticus: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atticus: Sif

DBM: What does it mean?

Atticus: Sif is the name of my wife.

DBM: Oh, okay! How long have you been married?

Atticus: 45 years young

DBM: Congratulations!

Atticus: We put in the work, Dave. It wasn’t by luck.

DBM: Describe Sif

Atticus: My wife’s embrace is warm. She’s grown to build an equal, trusting and lasting relationship and connection with me; she’s organized, kind, honest, compassionate and a woman I trust. Sif is always taking very good care of herself and looks good at all times; she makes me her number one priority, not the kids, not her parents, not friends. My wife is intelligent and I’ve had the pleasure of engaging in deeper and more stimulating conversations for decades. My Sif is confident.

DBM: How did you meet?

Atticus: I used to work with her late cousin. We met at his funeral.

DBM: Did you go on a date?

Atticus: We did, and she ruined my afternoon. She came to cry and mourn her cousin with me all over again.

DBM: You mean after the funeral?

Atticus: Yes

DBM: How were you communicating back then?

Atticus: Face to face. We would agree to meet somewhere to talk and bond, and show up for each other

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Atticus: I knew on our first date, before she started to cry on me that she could be my life-mate. After we had spoken at the funeral grounds, she gave herself the permission to like me too, because she understood how I felt about her. When you allow yourself to have what you really want, you get it somehow.

DBM: Can you recount a challenging time or moment in your marriage?

Atticus: There was a point in my life where I started craving for validation, connection, affection and intimacy from another woman. I loved Sif, but I wanted a different experience with someone else. The one-time affair happened, and she caught wind of it. The challenge was when I had to tell her everything, including how I met the other woman, how many times we had sex, what the other lady could do to/for me that she wasn’t doing, etc. And because I refused to answer most of her questions, it added more strain to our marriage – forcing her to separate from me.

DBM: For how long?

Atticus: Three weeks, but I was lucky the love we shared worked out eventually in our favor. She forgave me when I started doing things to build her trust in me again. I haven’t made such a mistake since.

DBM: How did she find you out?

Atticus: She said it was a strong feeling she fought for days to ignore

DBM: Is forgiving a spouse a significant step to take for a marriage to work?

Atticus: It can be an option on the table, because not everyone can easily recover from say, an affair. Unfortunately, most of us pretend a lot when we’re chasing after love. Many after giving in to the chase only get to find out that everything they venerated about the other person was all for show. When I cheated on my wife, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t paying her any attention; It didn’t occur to me that I had taken her for granted all that while. It was like, anytime she attempted speaking to me about something, she was either nagging or whining. That was how I was feeling about her when I was looking outside my marriage. I couldn’t see beyond the fact that she was actually begging for my attention, and time together all that while I was busily offering the very same things to someone else.

My focus was rather hoping on the wish that my life could be more exciting like it was being promised from the other end. And so, I spent most of my free time developing feelings, plans and what to do to the other woman to have my needs met. I was only thinking of how I could get out of the house each time.

DBM: What kind of work was put into the pursuit to get your wife back?

Atticus: When she left with the children, it hit me that I probably was in the wrong. I knew how troublesome our kids were in their early years and couldn’t imagine letting their mother, my Sif, struggle with raising them all by herself.

DBM: You felt she couldn’t have on her own?

Atticus: She could have. Also, I was supporting financially but I know my children, they can be a handful. They can eat for the whole of Ghana. They can talk and scream and shout and fight for the whole world. They’re troublesome. Having a life outside my family couldn’t have painted the perfect picture of what the real costs would have been for a single mother.

DBM: You were thinking of all that?

Atticus: It was part of the work done, that I believe made me a better man. It wasn’t just to get my wife back – it was for my own good and future with my family. I had to change to want better for us. I’d say, we became inseparable and happier than we were before I cheated.

DBM: How long was this rough moment?

Atticus: 36, 37 years ago, I think

DBM: In your opinion, what is nourishing your marriage?

Atticus: A number of things: allowing myself to be influenced by my wife.

DBM: Please explain

Atticus: Let me use this recent example: I usually have gulfing plans outlined for most weekends. Sif knows this, but still insisted I drove her to a wedding event last week. My wife can drive but she didn’t want to sit behind the wheel that Saturday morning. I cancelled my plans to drive her around. I could have returned home but I decided to wait for her. While waiting, I met a former school mate I hadn’t seen since Mfantsipim School. He was also dropping his wife. We drove to Sky Bar 25 to catch up, and we’re now in touch. He was one of the coolest guys in our day. I gained a best friend back just because of saying ‘okay’ to my wife.

DBM: Makes sense

Atticus: We also appreciate the good in our marriage while letting the bad take a hike. I have respect for my wife and treat her better than I would treat anyone else in my life. The fact is, I will not give to a stranger while my wife lacks. We are kind to each other that way. I am always happy for her success and have been encouraging and supporting her growth in all aspects of her interests. She does same for me. We found shared interests and pursued it with all the fun that comes with it. This made us not grow apart. We’ve built a solid financial security net around us; she’s always in the known about any activity I’m involved in outside the house. Sif knows how much I love sex, and has created a comfortable environment for me at home to express my love for her through sex – anytime I want to be with her.

DBM: You have any advice to give?

Atticus: 45 years being married to the same woman is no joke. I’ve been deliberate with my every effort to enjoy my wife and the marriage. The bad many of us men see in our wives are often through our own lenses. I changed the way I perceived my Sif, 37 years ago, and she automatically became the queen of my heart, and every woman I needed to be happy. Change how you look at, and address things/people, and see how the things/people you look at, and address suddenly also changes to your admiration. In my case, I was the person who needed to change for the better in order to experience 45 years of a healthy marriage.

Image Credit: Steward Masweneng

Let’s Talk To Jina

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 116: Jina

DBM: Hello Jina. How would you describe yourself?

Jina: I live by a different set of core beliefs and that’s what is guiding my decisions

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Jina: My mother walked into a sensitive relationship with me, in the name of marriage. I was 17 years old. Just like my mother, when I dream of getting married, I am often imagining my relationship to be a happily ever after storyline. Divorce wouldn’t be a thought on my mind because I’d only want to thrive as my husband’s wife. Prior to her second marriage, she was in an unhappy situation with my father. Even I wished she could start all over without my dad, but mom stayed because of me. I’ve heard people say that it takes two people in a marriage to make it work, but I saw my mother as the only one doing things differently to keep the home together. Mum ensured she was her pleasant self every day, while my father found every reason to fight with her. My mother lost her energy to stay married. She died five years into her second marriage with my step father, who is currently my soul mate.

DBM: Your step father is your husband, you mean?

Jina: No, boyfriend

DBM: How old are you?

Jina: I’m in my mid-twenties

DBM: Is your relationship with zaddy public?

Jina: No

DBM: At what point did your step-dad become a love interest?

Jina: I am still mystified as to why of all the men in the world, I decided to fall in love with my late mother’s husband. He was mourning my mother, months after her burial and one day he looked at me and the attraction between us turned into something rather commanding and real, we were both comfortable with crossing that bridge over troubled waters.

DBM: Meaning?

Jina: We had sex. We were completely at ease around each other, the attraction could not be mistaken

DBM: Did he and your mother have kids?

Jina: No!

DBM: Has he any children of his own?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know you as their step-sister?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know about you and their dad?

Jina: Not yet

DBM: What caused your mother’s death?

Jina: She suffered from a chronic lower respiratory disease

DBM: How would you describe your boyfriend?

Jina: He is a generous wave that carried my mother and me along with him

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Jina: Over year, four months and two weeks

DBM: You love him?

Jina: With all of my heart. He’s very down to earth and endearing. When my mother was alive, his unconditional acceptance of her was never based on anything special she had to do. He was fond of saying, mum was one of God’s beautiful gifts to him.

DBM: Awww! How do you understand love?

Jina: When I am able to let him live his life, and not do anything that would suggest I want to keep him only for myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Jina: It’s crazy, I know! But it’s because I trust him, and we have so much in common

DBM: Was the feelings between you two mutual when your mother was alive?

Jina: There was nothing romantically inclined between us

DBM: Is this a relationship that could end up in marriage?

Jina: No. We’ve talked about it, and marriage is certainly out of the question

DBM: You don’t want to be married?

Jina: I do. But in our complicated situation, it wouldn’t be ideal. Just having him close by is good enough for me; especially knowing how much he cares about me

DBM: You’re certain you’re not confusing your own emotions, especially knowing how vulnerable you both are while going through the whole grieving process of the one woman you loved?

Jina: I loved my mother, and he loved his wife dearly. That love is still present in our hearts. I think what we’ve developed between us, in a way is a compliment also to my mother. The human heart is capable of limitless love and can or will make room for possible relationships in the future

DBM: In other words, you can love two people at the same time?

Jina: I believe so; though those two relationships will never be founded on the same level of depth and definitely not feel the same, one can still be happy pursuing love while making the most out of life. Sharing true love with someone you are capable of genuinely caring about is a healthy exercise for the soul

DBM: How long are you two planning on keeping your relationship under wraps?

Jina: We haven’t discussed into detail. We feel that people will quickly assume that’s what might have even killed my mother, but we both know that’s not the case. Also, we don’t want to overwhelm ourselves with the judgmental attitudes of naysayers

DBM: So, where do you draw the line between a secret relationship and a private one?

Jina: Dave, we recently buried his wife, my mother. We don’t want the outside world to know he’s been able to move on so quickly with me. Because truth is, we’re still mourning her in our own way. And we are not ready to compromise our relationship in the process of having to always explain why we happen to be dating all of a sudden.

DBM: How do you think your mother would be feeling in her grave – if she were to see what you two are up to?

Jina: The traditional priest representing my boyfriend’s family’s clan showed up at our house, unannounced, the night we first had sex. He asked us to pacify my mother at the graveyard with an egg, schnapps, a fowl and a plea. He covered us with leaves and doted spots to perform a sacred ritual as demanded by their custom to enable us to be together intimately

DBM: I see. How did he know you two were sleeping together?

Jina: That’s a question for the gods. We don’t know how but he showed up at our doorstep

DBM: Do you work?

Jina: Yes, I am a teacher

DBM: So, you’re not with him because of money?

Jina: To me, money is a make-believe commodity. In fact, I am the one that gives ‘sika’ the very power it has in my life. Dave, as long as I can feed myself, I’m good to go.

Image Credit: Jairo David-Arboleda

Let’s Talk To Manism

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 115: Manism

DBM: Hi Manism. How would you describe yourself?

Manism: Well, I’m a down to earth person; quiet, observant and quite passionate about living life and accept truth along with its consequences.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Manism: I cannot fix a number on that. So let me say, I’m currently content with where I am today.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Manism: Well, I have noticed as I am growing up and getting older that a lot of us were lied to about male and female relations, and it is having serious consequences for us now as a generation. Especially for women; because many of them have no idea how to select a partner and that leads to a lot of problem for everyone involved.

DBM: What are some of the lies you feel were presented to us?

Manism: The biggest one that still persists till today is the, ‘men and women are the same’. And so whatever men do, nothing should stop women from doing the same and vice versa. It has permeated so many areas to the point that, no one really thinks about it anymore. Another one is that marriage should be based on love as the foundation. And so many people start from this point and then hope for the best.

DBM: You will agree that, many of us see relationships and marriage differently, thus, us having differing beliefs and expectations of it, no?

Manism: Yes, I definitely agree with that. But it’s just like raising a child. Everyone sees it differently. But at the end of the day, there’s a wrong way of seeing it and there’s a right way of seeing it. I’ll give you an example: the sexual revolution made it so that women can have sex with whomever they wanted without being shamed for it. However, this brought about a new problem. It is now very hard as a woman to want a relationship without sex before marriage. Very hard because we as men have been taught from a young age that as long as you are with a woman, she will give you sex. And what that does is that it opens up a lot of women to being taken advantage of simply because if she wouldn’t agree, he will just find someone else that will agree. This means now that as a woman, you will either have to get comfortable being with a man and definitely having sexual relations with him, or you and him will always be arguing about it because he expects it and you keep denying him. It has also made cheating way lot easier. You certainly have interviewed several people whose husbands have cheated. What no one usually says is that, there are women who will sleep with a man before marriage and so it’s easier for married men to do these things. Just that one thought of removing shame from premarital sex alone brought so many consequences.

DBM: That makes sense. Are you dating?

Manism: I’m seeing someone. Yes, but it’s complicated.

DBM: What was your reason for pursuing this person?

Manism: Well, I did not pursue. It just happened that we were at the same place at the same time. And things led to things.

DBM: How do you feel sex with her has added to your relationship?

Manism: Well, has it added anything? I think I would say that she’s been very impressed by me since we started, and so I imagine it makes me a lot more secure being with her in that regard.

DBM: Are you impressed with what she gives in return?

Manism: I’ve only been impressed by a few ladies in my time. She’s alright. Okay, I just read the question again. It’s a bit ambiguous. Did you mean sexually or otherwise?

DBM: What’s your take on ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’?

Manism: Well, it is a lie. I think it started out as a way to affirm women and their capabilities but at some point, people started to actually believe it. There are things that the average man is better at. And there are things that the average woman is better at.

DBM: And, there are things that a human being is capable of doing, no?

Manism: Everyone is capable of doing everything. But there are things that are conducive for certain kinds of people. Not everyone. You can’t be an introvert who does not make friends easily and then want to be a salesman of niche products. Something else would be better suited to you.

DBM: True. So, I am assuming you are the type who is able to get a woman talking about the very things she’s most excited about (i.e.: sex, dating multiple men at a go, having specific expectations of men and people in general, etc.) whereby, she’s always associating those positive feelings with you, how would you define such a lady in your opinion?

Manism: Kindly rephrase the question. Let me understand you clearer.

DBM: Has a woman the right to cheat back if you’re cheating on her?

Manism: Hahahaha! I don’t believe there’s something called cheating back. It’s just cheating. And it is not a right. But that said, I think it can be justified if a woman steps out after her man steps out on her. If I did that, I would feel it was fair since I was silly enough to get caught in the first place.

DBM: What is your biggest dealbreaker in your relationship?

Manism: Lies. I can’t seem to get past lies. Once it starts then I cannot really seem to trust you again. I was once cheated on by an ex of mine. One day, she called and told me. And asked I forgive her and I did. I realized I’m not like most men who have a problem with cheating. But I cannot seem to let even an innocent lie go. I’ve worked on myself now because I realize women can be very prolific liars but still! Since you’re a man yourself, let me ask you this: do you think men are made to be with one woman?

DBM: I know men are supposed to be their authentic selves. Authenticity is a man’s best-selling point, and so if Mr. A feels he is content with just one partner, then he is content with one partner. If Mr. B feels he is not a one woman’s man, then he’s not made for one.

Manism: And what do you think is ideal?

DBM: Contentment is ideal

Manism: You don’t think that contentment leads to chaos?

DBM: From the numerous conversations I’ve had with thousands of ladies on my Facebook platform, women have said they’d rather appreciate men attracting them without behaviors that aren’t really them, lying or pretending to be men they know they are not. As a guy myself, I know many of us act like we’re good for the people we’re interested in, instead of becoming the attractive men we pretend to be.

Manism: Dave, sometimes, women do not really know what they are talking about. I know that sounds some way, but they teach us to act so that we can attract them.

DBM: What were you like as a kid?

Manism: Shy. Quite unsure of myself. But quite observant about my surroundings and noticing that which was said, and what I the difference in what I was seeing.

DBM: How do you express love as a man?

Manism: In doing. I think the psychological make up of men is in actions for the most part. But in order to deal with my woman, I have to also learn how to use words and gifts. I don’t know if those ones are sustainable though.

DBM: Okay! So, as her boyfriend, you feel your most comfortable sharing your feelings with your girlfriend when she … (If you’re to complete this sentence)

Manism: What feelings please? 😂

DBM: That something-something making you believe you’re that much into her

Manism: Haha. I don’t think I do that in general.

DBM: What advice would you give women on the types of partners they should select?

Manism: Well, we have to understand that there are different reasons why we have partners and we have different types of partners. Companionship. Family. Partnership. Fun. Someway somehow, we have deceived ourselves that we can have all these things in one person. And it is a lie told especially to women. Family is about duty. Not feelings. There are roles and as long as everyone plays their roles dutifully and consciously, it will work. Women who want families cannot join themselves with a man that does not have family values. They will suffer. Companionship does not have the same rules of engagement as family building. And partnership too. I think women have to take as much time studying themselves and studying men as much as men take time to study women to understand these differences. It is the lack of understanding of men that makes women easily deceived by a man because he has studied how to attract her, but she has no clue on how to separate someone who just wants a companion, from one who wants to raise a family. It is something that keep recurring in your stories all the time. The women are clueless, confused and easily deceived because they do not understand what they are dealing with.

DBM: Why do you think you’re in a complicated relationship then, since you seem to have figured the whole male and female relations out?

Manism: The complication has nothing to do with the relationship. It’s more to do with work, location, distance and all that. There are future decisions to be made that can make or break the union and so it’s not so clear to move forward or not. Some of the decisions are not so clear cut. But that said, I have not figured everything out. I just have realized that we have taken a lot of things for granted and it has made life very hard for us.

Image Credit: Austin J Best

Let’s Talk To Lizy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 114: Lizy

DBM: Hello Lizy. How would you describe yourself?

Lizy: I like to think of myself as an emotionally strong and independent person. My friends and family tell me I’m smart and kind. Nothing comes between me and a goal I set for myself. If I want something, I go for it. I do my best to be self-reliable. Hence, it’s difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. When I love, I go all in, which sometimes blinds my rationality, but hey, we are all human, and we are bound to make mistakes.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lizy: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Lizy: My fiancé and I are preparing to get married. However, we are at a road block. His religious doctrines do not align with mine. He’s neither ready to compromise or find a middle ground. He wants me to join him in his church or, better still, continue going to my church. I’ve visited his church a couple of times, and I know within me that that’s not the lifestyle I want for myself. I would want us to have unity of purpose in all aspects of our lives. I’m ready to let him go, but he will have none of it. I feel I’m wasting my time with him but he thinks otherwise. I’m lost.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Lizy: Since 2015

DBM: So, basically your concerns are about the differences in religious doctrines?

Lizy: There are others but this is the straw breaking my back. He’s not kind towards me. I’ve observed that with his mother too. He’s always concerned about the future. Not that I don’t but I’m of the opinion that I must be alive first in order to enjoy the future. Because of this, he thinks I waste money, which is not the case. I work hard for my money, so the least I can do for myself is to be comfortable.

DBM: Do you see yourselves coping in a compatible way based on, maybe, similar values?

Lizy: Dave, I don’t want to cope in my marriage. At least it didn’t turn out well for my mother. Interestingly, most of his values are directly linked to the doctrines he practices in church. I see a lot of disagreements in my future marriage and I wouldn’t want to go in knowing this.

DBM: Has he the capacity to be kind to you – if you’re to predict a future with him?

Lizy: He’s more than capable of being kind to me. At first, I was demonstrating it to him, but it was not being reciprocated, so recently, I’ve stopped. We’ve discussed it. I made him aware that kindness is one of my love languages but in his defense, he claims I’m not yet his wife and so he has no responsibilities towards me. I understand that. However, knowing the person I’m dealing with, it’s not going to change in marriage. I believe that if you love someone, you show it. He’ll only do things for you out of convenience and if he has something to gain.

DBM: I see. So, this table you both find yourselves seated by, is love being served?

Lizy: From his angle, he thinks he’s loving me the best way he could. From my end, I think he’s doing the barest minimum to keep me around.

DBM: Has he the desire to give you what you need, i.e.: his consistent presence, respect, genuine concern and maybe, the foundation of something real and meaningful outside of sex?

Lizy: The truth is, we are cohabiting at the moment (I have the means to rent my own place though- currently putting plans in place to move out). The desire is not there. He thinks I’m ungrateful and don’t appreciate what he does for me. Although we are in the same space, he’s mostly unavailable to me (not physically) unless he needs my help with something.

DBM: What did you find attractive about him to want to be in a relationship with him?

Lizy: From start, his sense of self assurance and control (he seems to have it all together). After a couple of years, I fell in love and I held on to it. I held on to the hope that things will get better for us. But as we grew together, he seems to develop different priorities. My mistake was and still is hoping against all odds. I don’t know how to move on after being with someone for this long. After my high school sweetheart- childish love, he’s the only man I’ve known.

DBM: What time is it now for you? Is it the period you feel that your future happiness depends on a fresh start, or just giving him the benefit of the doubt?

Lizy: I feel I need a fresh start. Giving benefits of the doubt is what has gotten me here. But the question I keep asking is where and how am I starting?

DBM: Can you describe what a happy relationship looks like for you?

Lizy: A relationship that I’m at liberty to be my authentic self and express my exact feelings without being judged or gaslighted. One that there’s mutual respect and support for each other’s life goals. A relationship where I’m viewed as a partner and not a competition. A relationship that will challenge me to be progressively better, one that will make me wake in the morning and be thankful that someone has got my back.

DBM: In a balanced relationship, what are you not willing to compromise?

Lizy: My sanity, happiness and true self.

DBM: What is it like to be you right now?

Lizy: In an ideal situation or in reality? Because in reality, being in my shoes right now means having to bottle up a lot of your feelings because you don’t want to be told it’s all up in your head. Being me means taking care of everyone else except yourself. Being me right now means being constantly tired emotionally and physically because you are trying your best to meet the expectations of you while also finding a way to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself, which brings you meaning. Finally, being me in reality means you are at a breaking point where you feel empty because this is not the life you wish for yourself; nothing makes meaning anymore.

DBM: Hmmm! Do you believe you are each other’s soul mate?

Lizy: I don’t believe there’s something like that. I believe no one is indispensable.

DBM: Is your fiancé your biggest advocate?

Lizy: For my life decisions?

DBM: All inclusive: your general well-being, etc.

Lizy: No. After myself, my sister is my biggest advocate. Verbal advocacy, yes. Advocacy in deed, no.

DBM:  Oh wow! So, how often would you say the two of you laugh together?

Lizy: Our laughing is inconsistent. This week, we are laughing together and then next week, we are angry at each other – more of silent treatment.

DBM: Are you content with the level of intimacy that you share with him?

Lizy: Physical? Yes. Other aspects such as emotional, no.

DBM: What would be a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you ever overlooked one in your current relationship?

Lizy: Cheating. So far, we’ve not had any issues regarding it.

DBM: My last question is, do you see yourself having an affair in the future – if you’re to marry your fiancé?

Lizy: Nope. However, I will mostly be unhappy.

DBM: I get it. Hmmm! Thank you for engaging me.

Lizy: You are welcome. Thank you too for making the time.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

Let’s Talk To Kuturuku and Takyiwaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 113a: Kuturuku

Participant 113b: The name I want use is Takyiwaa

DBM: Hi Kuturuku and Takyiwaa. How would you describe yourselves?

Kuturuku: The type that would make a difficult decision and stand by it. Also, I don’t give up easily, even though I can be contented with the possibility of me failing at something. I love to explore interesting avenues, and I am a fun-loving guy.

Takyiwaa: I wake up and go to sleep and this man is the first and last thing on my mind

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Takyiwaa: 8

Kuturuku: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Takyiwaa: My boyfriend is all of a sudden suggesting that, what we’ve built for almost a year is friends with benefits kind-of relationship.

Kuturuku: I’m going to be honest with her since she’s the one bringing our private issues here; dating one woman can get very boring for me really fast.

Takyiwaa: We were dating then?

Kuturuku: No! I was of the impression that the attraction between us was purely physical

Takyiwaa: Say it is physical for you.

Kuturuku: You don’t love me, do you?

Takyiwaa: I am catching feelings for you

DBM: What do you think you want in a woman to get you to settle down with one?

Kuturuku: I’m married boss. I have settled down

DBM: I’m confused

Takyiwaa: I am perching

DBM: You’re the other woman?

Takyiwaa: Yes

DBM: I see

Kuturuku: Dave, the nature of my job prevents me from staying in one location for a long time. I travel a lot, and have a busy work schedule. That’s why I cannot do one relationship and commit to it at a go.

DBM: It’s that difficult to stick to one woman?

Kuturuku: I wouldn’t say it’s difficult. I’m just not a firm believer of the whole monogamy thing

DBM: Why did you get married?

Kuturuku: My wife wanted marriage

DBM: Do you believe in marriage?

Kuturuku: I do

DBM: Is marriage for you?

Kuturuku: No

DBM: Is Takyiwaa your only side-chick?

Kuturuku: She knows she’s not

Takyiwaa: I didn’t know that. You’re now telling me

DBM: How many women are in your life?

Kuturuku: You mean, how many ladies I’ve had sex with?

DBM: How did he convince you to be with him? What did he tell you about his wife?

Takyiwaa: He doesn’t say much about his wife. As to how we met, he was at a filling station filling up his car. The taxi I had chartered drove to the same filling station to fuel up. He saw me in the car and hurriedly paid the driver whatever my fare was, and handed me his business card. I called to thank him for paying my fare, and one text led to the other.

Kuturuku: The opportunity was there; she looked pretty in her dress and I couldn’t resist. It just had to happen for us to be in touch somehow.

DBM: Did he tell you he was married?

Takyiwaa: I didn’t ask

DBM: And, he did not tell you either?

Takyiwaa: I figured it out

DBM: Why do you want to continue being in his life?

Takyiwaa: I don’t know how to resist the emotions growing inside of me. It’s getting the best of me

DBM: Have you come to peace with the fact that, you may never be his priority?

Takyiwaa: Not yet

DBM: What does she mean to you?

Kuturuku: She’s a dear friend I share something beautiful with

Takyiwaa: He makes me feel special

DBM: But replaceable

Kuturuku: Lol!

Takyiwaa: Dave, he’s not a bad person. His intentions are good

DBM: Can you honestly trust a man who has chosen to deceive his wife – with you?

Kuturuku: My wife can distinguish some of the things that are off with me. She may not know the details, but she knows something is up

DBM: You have children?

Kuturuku: I do

DBM: Let me present a scenario; your wife or child is in a horrible crisis. Takyiwaa also finds herself in a hot mess, and all parties are in need of your support and presence. Which of them is assured of your unconditional support?

Kuturuku: Family above all else

DBM: Let’s assume you’re in love with Takyiwaa

Kuturuku: I will choose my wife and children

DBM: Are you keeping your options open, even though you are doing things with him?

Takyiwaa: I don’t understand the question

Kuturuku: I wouldn’t want her to be dating other men

DBM: Are you two dating?

Kuturuku: We have something going on between us

DBM: Sex and?

Kuturuku: Friendship

DBM: And?

Kuturuku: Everything else this can develop into

DBM: Define what you share with Takyiwaa

Kuturuku: A pleasant situation

DBM: Has it a potential of changing into something meaningful any time soon?

Kuturuku: I mean, I can’t marry her but yes. I really like her

Takyiwaa: I really like you too

Kuturuku: I know

DBM: Time sometimes gives us time to prepare ourselves for the truth existing in a pleasant situation

Takyiwaa: Being with a married man is one of the things I swore never to do. But life once again has an interesting way of proving me wrong. I know you will not believe me, but I never planned for this to happen

DBM: I believe you

Kuturuku: He doesn’t believe you

DBM: Why did you decide to chat with me?

Kuturuku: I didn’t decide anything. She got me involved

Takyiwaa: I wanted a neutral platform for us to open up about exactly what we’re doing, and where it’s going

DBM: Have you gotten the answers you needed?

Takyiwaa: 90% of it

DBM: What does the remaining 10% consist of? Because a man who is married will tell you all the right things your ears want to hear – just to have his way with you.

Kuturuku: Look, I see a potential love story with Takyiwaa. It’s not just about the physical attraction and passion. There could be love involved somewhere in the mix.

DBM: Are you both certain about your emotions?

Takyiwaa: I am; I love him

Kuturuku: What I know is, she’s not just a statistic in my equation

DBM: Please help me to understand something, are you waiting on him to choose you as his what, since he’s already married?

Takyiwaa: I want more; some level of commitment at least

DBM: So, you will put your life on hold for him to make up his mind about you?

Image Credit: Lucretius Mooka

Let’s Talk To Boahinmaa

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 112: Boahinmaa is fine by me

DBM: Hello Boahinmaa. How would you describe yourself?

Boahinmaa: Empty and missing out on so much happiness

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Boahinmaa: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Boahinmaa: I think I have forgotten how to find happiness for myself. I never thought I could get to this point in my life, where I’d lose that strong sense of who I was before getting married. Trying to be everything that makes my husband and children happy has left me feeling like I don’t actually understand my true value. I feel bitter too. I don’t know how to give to myself; I rather fear losing my marriage than losing my own life and peace of mind. I have forgotten how to trust in my self.

DBM: Give me an idea of your life’s priorities. You can arrange them in order of importance

Boahinmaa: My husband, my children, our family, God, my job, my parents and siblings

DBM: Can you attempt putting together that of your husband’s? At least, from where you stand

Boahinmaa: He is a selfish man so I know he always puts himself and his needs first. Our children might come second because he cares a lot about them. He loves his job and making quick money, then maybe, his mother and family, friends and then, me. I know I’m the last on his list

DBM: From your priorities, I don’t see your name on the list. Why?

Boahinmaa: Dave, all my life I have been taught to put others first and put myself last. My mother did it, so did her mother.

DBM: But I still don’t see your name on your list

Boahinmaa: Let me rearrange; husband, children, our family, God, my job, my parents and siblings, and Boahinmaa.

DBM: How old are you?

Boahinmaa: I don’t want to say my age. My husband reads from your Facebook platform. He doesn’t really like you because he thinks what you’re doing is rather destroying relationships. But I’m old enough. Just take that as an answer

DBM: You wouldn’t tell me how long you’ve been married either, no?

Boahinmaa: No, but I’ve been married for some time now.

DBM: What is the relationship between you and your husband like?

Boahinmaa: What I see is what I get

DBM: Meaning?

Boahinmaa: I don’t know how to explain it: I love my husband, but I’m just not happy being married

DBM: Would you qualify your marriage as bad?

Boahinmaa: It’s not that ‘bad’ to the extent of me walking out of it, but it’s not good either. My marriage is not feeding me any real joy and happiness

DBM: So, you’re stuck?

Boahinmaa: Pretty much!

DBM: How is your relationship with your children?

Boahinmaa: So-so. I am trying the best I can to be their mother.

DBM: Are they happy?

Boahinmaa: I wouldn’t know. Maybe or not

DBM: Is your husband happy with you?

Boahinmaa: Again, I don’t know. He can be all over the place with his exaggerated sense of self-importance. Also, I suspect he’s having an affair

DBM: So, you are not happy, you don’t know whether or not your husband is excited about you. You do not know the state of mind of your children. What do you know?

Boahinmaa: Awww, Dave, I feel like crying 😭

DBM: What would crying do for you at this moment?

Boahinmaa: I don’t even know

DBM: When last did you take time out to honestly, evaluate what you are going through?

Boahinmaa: I haven’t seriously done that. There is always a lot on my plate, it’s overwhelming

DBM: Do you think you’re taking good care of yourself? And by self, I mean your state of mind and its sanity, your total wellbeing, etc.

Boahinmaa: No!

DBM: You limit your capacity to pour into the lives of the very people you love the most, when you refuse to take care of you.

Boahinmaa: But Dave, I don’t want to be selfish like my husband

DBM: You don’t get it, do you?

Boahinmaa: What?

DBM: Your husband is not selfish

Boahinmaa: He is

DBM: GOD was number four on your priorities in life. Do you know that how you treat yourself is the same way you end up treating GOD?

Boahinmaa: I don’t think so

DBM: Be honest with me, what is your relationship with GOD like?

Boahinmaa: It’s in existent

DBM: I know, but what is it like? Do you love on him as much as you desire for your marriage to work?

Boahinmaa: I don’t know

DBM: You represent GOD in your life. And so, if you’re not that important in your own eyes and life, and have to always put others first, then GOD is not in the equation to begin with. You may know of Him, but then you do not know him for yourself – because you do not even know your worth

Boahinmaa: Dave, I know who I am. I am just not in my right-thinking faculties

DBM: Until you learn how to fill your own cup to drink from, it cannot run over to the benefit of others

Boahinmaa: I’m always sacrificing so much of myself in this marriage, it hurts really bad

DBM: That is because you are too strong to be weak. It’s tiring to say the least

Boahinmaa: Help me!

DBM: I don’t know how best I can help you. I can only suggest from how I live my life

Boahinmaa: Okay! How do you do you?

DBM: Unlike you, I am not looking out for a number one representation in my life. I do not put my needs and self on the back burner. I make sure I am always on the stove, cooking something fresh and delicious for myself, and then for others. I need to be strong for myself, in order to hold you down. GOD, and my boring self are the first important people in my life; followed by the love of my life, my passion for whatever I’m pursuing as a career; then my siblings and parents. My closest and best friends come next… In that exact order. And because of that, my dynamics with people isn’t that of bitterness. I am hardly resentful, hardly jealous.

Boahinmaa: Easier said than done!

DBM: I know, it’s upsetting to look at your own behavior.

Boahinmaa: But Dave, my husband is a contributory factor to my unhappiness in this marriage

DBM: You’re still blaming your husband just to avoid looking inward. You have to learn how to choose to be happy. Learn how to live for yourself, so you can find what makes Boahinmaa happy. You’re not here to fulfill what you perceive to be the expectations of others for you. This life is too short to refuse yourself more good days and memories

Boahinmaa: Okay!

DBM: I’m not saying it’s going to be easy on you, but then you need to find enough courage to choose your happiness over the fear of the unknown. Spark some joy in your life

Image Credit: Timur Weber

Let’s Talk to Judah and Andrea

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 111a: Judah

Participant 111b: Andrea please

DBM: Hi Andrea and Judah. How would you describe yourselves?

Andrea: I’m an open and honest person who doesn’t believe in misleading other people. I try to be fair in everything I do

Judah: Unhappy, suicidal but a clergy also

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Judah: 1

Andrea: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Judah: Can I go first?

DBM: Please do

Judah: This is an issue of infidelity. I have been unfaithful, a cheat and dishonest in my dealings and marriage with my wife.

DBM: Does your wife know about this?

Judah: Yes, she found out about it few weeks ago

DBM: Mrs., how did you find him out?

Andrea: I asked, and he denied. And so, I told him to hand his phone to me and he denied. I decided to get rid of our car papers before he agreed and gave the phone to me.

DBM: What made you cheat on your wife?

Judah: There are a lot of factors that could lead to cheating. Physically and spiritually. Well, let me start with the physical aspect. It all started somewhere in November when we lost our first pregnancy. But before that, there were a few people who didn’t really care about whether I’m married or not. Being someone from a very strong Christian background and ethics, I was genuinely afraid of mingling with such people. So, because of who I am in society (a Man of God) I get a lot of people who reach out to me for various reasons. Some are genuine while others are not.

Some begun to flirt with me and I became comfortable with it. But as time went on, I became scared. Until the November, when we lost our pregnancy. I really became stressed out and I couldn’t share it with anyone. In fact, it’s all my fault because I allowed it to happen. It was relaxing because whenever I got home to see my wife crying and stressed about the loss of our baby, it stressed me out. Most of my messages were more of flirting than meet ups, because I didn’t really have time. Until I met a lady in my mum’s area whom I got involved. It broke the seal. Spiritually, I’ve been a man of God for a good number of years. I’m not blaming anyone but, in my position, there are many attempts and attacks that I face. If they can’t get you, they will get anyone you love. I’m not blaming anyone or anything but this is where I find myself. No matter how I explain, it won’t make sense to her because she’s extremely angry. I choose to cry within and be sorry for myself.

Andrea: I’m very sure you didn’t start cheating just when we got married, because I read your chat with the lady you said is at your mum’s area. You started way back in 2021, if I am right; so why would you use the first miscarriage as an excuse? Be honest and blunt with me here please!

DBM: It’s good you’ve taken responsibility of your actions

Andrea: He hasn’t taken responsibility because he’s still not transparent with me, even after finding out he’s cheating

Judah: What do you want to see before? Because you have access to my phone. Which is the root of all the problems

Andrea: I told you I don’t want to do that to myself because I’d be the one to die earlier, so I won’t check your phone ever again. Didn’t I say I regret going to your phone that night? I’m really keeping my cool because I didn’t want to let you know I read the chats you had with the lady. And the thing is that, you didn’t have an affair with just her; so, come clean here now.

Judah: Please don’t keep your cool at all. I want you to say it all

Andrea: Don’t worry, I will. I don’t want to be an anxious person. After all, if I do that what will be left of me?

Judah: I’m saying this here again. That most of my texts are explicitly flirty. To the extent that, when you read, you’ll feel we meet everyday

Andrea: I’ll show you evidence now because you’re still not coming clean. Most of the ladies you sent flirt texts, money, data bundle and calls to, you had sex with them.

Judah: Please go ahead and show. That’s why we are here

She attaches screenshots from his interactions with other women

DBM: As a man of GOD, based on what your wife has said, it seems like the trust she has in and for you has faded.

Judah: The position I’m in now, everything I say will be a lie. You’re not a thief until you’re caught. So, I accept every charge on me. Explaining over and over again won’t really change the fact that I’ve cheated on my wife

Andrea: Even with the lady who told you that she works as a prostitute, you went ahead to have sex with her. And were lying to her that you didn’t have a girlfriend, even though we had been in a relationship close to five years by then.

DBM: Pastor, what do you think you can do differently to change that?

Judah: I have deleted over 200 contacts, both male and female. She has access to my phone now. I pray with her before we leave the house (something I wasn’t doing before)

Andrea: This prostitute really wanted you to prove that you didn’t have a girlfriend, and you told huge lies that you get sex from your ex, who’s also in a relationship. Even with that information, she wanted to fuck you, and you also wanted to do it.

Judah: I know I’ve been dirty, and I accept every charge

Andrea: I don’t have access to your phone, because you even get angry and aggressive to the point that you hit me

Judah: When did I get aggressive? Have you asked and not gotten?

Andrea: Just this morning, you were aggressive with me.

Judah: You know how it feels when you’re accused of something you didn’t do? That was painful.

Andrea: You held me tight and wanted to hit me. But because I dared you to try and get arrested, you stopped! So, you better come clean. I want you to know that you’re a liar! You didn’t just have sex with only Carolina; that’s what I want to hear

Judah: I have begged you. My mother and brothers all cried and begged you not to leave me, yet you’re still harboring this. Well, like I said. I’m contemplating suicide and when it happens, all will be over. After all, I own nothing to my name.

Andrea: We are both in pain because you refuse to let us talk about the circumstances that led to that act, yet you get aggressive anytime. Claiming it’s a spiritual attack instead of accepting your actions.

Judah: Where did I say I haven’t accepted my charges?

DBM: May I know how long you both have been married?

Judah: One and a half years now

Andrea: Just a year.

Judah: In as much as I want this solved, I don’t want it to affect my ministry and what I’ve built for a decade

Andrea: The chats I’ve seen means that you didn’t start this cheating habit after we got married. I am actually mad that you didn’t think about your marriage, and just went ahead to do whatever

DBM: Were you really ready for marriage or you settled because that is what you were taught, considering you grew up in the church?

Judah: I was ready for it. I knew very well

Andrea: I’m not sure you were ready, because the fact that I get suspicious and ask you continuously that, ‘are you doing anything outside of our marriage’, and you rapidly get angry at me, and even hit me sometimes; that I should never think like that of you. Not knowing you’re not that of a saint. That is what really hurts me. It’s not like I didn’t get suspicious continually. But you decided to rather deny and get angry on top of it. I really kept believing you because I didn’t want doubt to set into our relationship and marriage. I tried not to ever go through your phone and you know very well that I don’t do that, unlike you. How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? Would you be ready for the trauma associated with this level of betrayal?

Judah: If that’s the only way you’ll forgive me, and keep me as your husband, then please go ahead. Because I love you and I want to save our marriage. Dave, I’m preparing for church now but I’ll be following please. Give me a few minutes

DBM: Mrs., what’s the first thing you noticed about your husband when you first met?

Andrea: His love towards the Ministry

DBM: And prior to his affairs, what was your favorite thing about your relationship with him?

Andrea: His honesty

DBM: Pastor, what’s the first thing you noticed about your wife when you first met?

Judah: Her sense of hard work and dedication

Andrea: I actually had a problem when we started our marriage counseling, and so I voiced it out to the counselors. They told my husband to not give in to that, but he never took their advice. He was always on his phone even after initiating that we go outdoors and spend some time. He will be on his phone until we leave the place, and he continues when he’s driving. I’ve been complaining but he doesn’t care. That’s why I told our marriage counselors.

DBM: Hmmm!

Andrea: He doesn’t want me to talk about the pain he caused me and this marriage. He prefers that we act like everything is okay, but I’m not really well with it. I even had to say out of anger that this infidelity could be the reason why I lost two pregnancies. Because I was really hurt. I didn’t want to tell his mother that this is what his son had done, and so I forced my husband that I’ll tell our counselors. He said they are not that confidential, so he’ll get a mutual person, and I just okayed.

He called his mum that midnight when I found out he was cheating, through the messages on his phone, that she should come to our place now because I’ve decided to leave my marriage. He told his mother parts of the story.

DBM: I see. Do you believe your husband loves you?

Andrea: No! After I found out what he did, it made me question myself severally, because I can boldly say there’s nothing tangible that he has provided since he met me till date. I do things like I’m the man of the house, without any complain; all because I loved what I was doing. Now, he’s made me realize I was a fool for a long period. He’d rather give money out to other ladies, but his own wife, even if I ask, he’ll tell me he doesn’t have enough money.

DBM: Have you gotten yourself tested for any STI’s after finding out about his affairs?

Andrea: I told him the first thing we should do was to get ourselves tested. I was also scared of the unknown. He agreed to getting tested but hasn’t even mentioned or said that we should go and do it. He actually had an itching in his manhood and I was also infected; that’s how come I wanted to go through his phone and get answers, since he wasn’t willing to do so.

DBM: I would suggest you get yourself tested, just to be on the safe side

Andrea: It involves money and at the moment, I’m not working due to how I lost both pregnancies. I just started a business this week. We will get tested on Monday. The truth is, my husband doesn’t have any money.

DBM: I see

Andrea: I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind, that it could be probable that he didn’t love me from the beginning. Maybe, it was just for the benefits he was getting from me. But I rethink again and I remember, while we were dating, he didn’t want me to talk to any other guy, so he always went through my phone and even blocked some of my male contacts. At a point, I got angry because my elder sister told him not to be doing that. I had to stop him because I wasn’t doing that to him.

DBM: I have a lot of questions to ask him when he comes back online

Andrea: Okay, but he will be back after church around 12am or so I think

DBM: We can use as many days to chat. Most of the conversations I publish on my website takes from two to five days. We can continue whenever

Judah: I’m here David. Let’s continue if you have the time

DBM: Since you’re a pastor, I’d want to understand your moral compass. How did you feel after the affairs? Was there any guilt at all?

Judah: I was guilty anytime I saw her, and felt like opening up. But I believe everything that has a beginning, has an end. If I had opened up, it wouldn’t have gotten to this level.

DBM: Are you on the same wavelength as your wife about monogamy in your relationship/marriage?

Judah: Yes, I am

DBM: From all that your wife said about you yesterday, I could deduce there is a high probability that the information she managed to gather about you cheating isn’t the first time you have done this. Do you consider yourself a serial cheater?

Judah: David, I am guilty of cheating. I say this and I’ll say it again, most of them were mere flirty messages

DBM: Do you think you have the ability to change from this behavior?

Judah: It’s been two weeks after being caught, and I tell you the truth, my conscience is so clear. I’ve never been free like this before. No level of guilt

DBM: At the moment, your wife doesn’t seem to trust you. What are you going to do about that?

Judah: I’m in for anything she wants to do. Because the level of disrespect is too much. I wouldn’t want to stress over this one again.

DBM: Do you understand what could be going through your wife’s mind after finding you out?

Judah: I totally understand sir. I know because I’ve been in that state before

DBM: Explain

Judah: I mean in my lifetime, I’ve been hurt many times, looking at where my life comes from as a man of God

DBM: Is saving your marriage a priority to, or for you?

Judah: There’s nothing as important as saving my marriage. I’ve told her many times, that we should get it over and done with and move on. I have

DBM: Teach me how you expect your wife to quickly move on from this, as you seem to have easily done?

Judah: I have developed a very thick skin over the years. My family background speaks a lot of volumes. I’ve seen my mum becoming a single parent when my dad left her. So, I’ve learnt to quickly let things go and never mention it to anyone. I will definitely remember, but I ask myself if it’s worth it. No matter how deeply I hurt, by the next day I’m over it. It’s not that I don’t remember; I just don’t dwell on the past

DBM: I’m glad your approach works for you. But do you think you wife equally deserves her own way of figuring all this mess out?

Judah: Yes, David

DBM: Do you respect your wife?

Judah: Most definitely

DBM: Do you love her?

Judah: Yes

DBM: Are you in love with your wife?

Judah: I really am

DBM: Was she a means to an end? As in, whatever it was about her that influenced your decision to date and marry her?

Judah: I literally built my world around her. I couldn’t do anything without her. I literally gave up on a lot of things because of her. We dated for four years and married on the 5th, because I said to myself, I can’t keep someone’s daughter like that. I know her and there’s nothing else to know anymore. So, I woke up one morning and made a call to my parents that I want to marry her.

DBM: This would be my last question: you have the word to say anything on your mind or heart to your wife’s hearing.

Judah: I’ve said everything I need to say. I totally regret my actions. But I give her all the right to do whatever she wants to do to me. She says she wants to do what I did to her, so that she’ll feel equal. If it will make her happy, then she should do it. If that’s what I’ll get, then no problem. But for me, whatever I did, I’ve gotten over it and I’m not willing to ever mention it again because it’s not something I want to revisit.

Image Credit: Keira Burton

I see myself in Hugh, and I fear for him

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

See, the relationship between LOVE and MARRIAGE is like that of a building and its foundation. LOVE is the foundation on which MARRIAGE, the building, is built. Like the foundation of a building, LOVE is far stronger than marriage. You cannot build before laying the foundation. If love is not the foundation of marriage, as in the case of Hugh and Papina, and as it was in my case, then when the storms of life reel its ugly head, the one who came into the relationship for reasons other than love, but only learnt to love the other after they’d been married would leave.

I married a lady I knew didn’t love me. She confessed same. I was praying that with time, she would grow to love me knowing the beautiful character I possess. David, could you imagine about after a year of marriage, my wife then promised, ‘Kwaku, exercise patience; the love will come’.

I earned a lot of money from my workplace and ensured life was very good and very comfortable for my wife, which then developed the love she showed. But after disaster struck and I lost my job, and the financial situation at home begun to fall, and finally fell, I realized our relationship was built upside-down: marriage which was the building was made the foundation and we tried to build love on it.

David, I had the premonition all along that in case I lost my job, my wife would leave. And it happened – in a very bizarre way. I really fear for Hugh. I am praying the fate I suffered at my workplace will not happen to him. But if, per adventure, it does happen, David I can predict Papina will leave. She’s in this relationship because Hugh has met her, and is meeting all of her demands. The love Hugh receives, and enjoys from her is ‘bought’. Papina coaching her friend to do as she did suggest that her love for Hugh hangs loosely on the thread of time; on how much and for how long Hugh is able to meet her aspirations.

There’s every indication that Hugh doubts her love. There’s every indication that Hugh entertains some fear. His fear is real and genuine. I wouldn’t advice divorce. But he should develop strong shock absorbers for future eventualities. Hugh’s may not be loss of job, accident or ill health that could result in permanent disability, but these things happen. I am lucky mine was just the loss of a job. I am still very healthy and moving on with life. Imagine if it had been a physical disability… You understand what I mean?

Written by KA

Image Credit: Mart Production

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