Blog – Page 17

Let’s Talk To Nanyamka

Written by David B on June 13, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 125: Nanyamka

DBM: Hi Nanyamka. How would you describe yourself?

Nanyamka: A woman who loves being a woman.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Nanyamka: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Nanyamka: I am being offered a way out of an unhappy situation. I know for a fact that opportunity seldom knocks at my door, and that, if this had been presented to my husband, he would have taken it in a heartbeat without my knowledge. Dave, naturally I am hands-on and always willing to take initiative. My husband is the same. I am not afraid to say yes to this opportunity simply because I may never know where it might take me. I’ve been offered a job in the UK, and I get to tag my husband and children along. I don’t mind going with the children. My problem is my husband, I don’t trust him. I know this is an unfortunate thing to say about my marriage but he’s been keeping secrets and lies. Let me give you one example: he’s created accounts on several dating apps describing himself as a single man in search for love. He’s exchanged contacts with several ladies outside of Ghana, and is heavily inciting them with the promises of love and commitment. He’s also cheated on me once with a lady at his workplace, which I know of, but he denies it.

DBM: Has he the ability to earn your trust?

Nanyamka: Dave, you’ve not met my husband. He knows exactly what to say and it would be at the exact time you need something tasteful to hear to mess up with your emotions. Every word coming out of his mouth is either a line or a lie. He’s aware of his ability to entice women with what he says and has been using it to his advantage. Unfortunately, everything about my husband on the outside looks just as perfect.

DBM: Meaning?

Nanyamka: People who know and respect him would doubt me if I’m to come out with these allegations. He’s built a certain image out there as the family man every woman should die for. Even my parents will believe his word over mine

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Nanyamka: I had my doubts about him when we were dating but I got pregnant with our first child, and that made me vulnerable.

DBM: Why do you think he married you?

Nanyamka: That’s a question for the gods. He doesn’t like it when people try to play mind games with his intelligence, but guess what?

DBM: What?

Nanyamka: The biggest game he’s played just happens to be me.

DBM: Why did you apply for the job in UK?

Nanyamka: It’s actually a new field in my expertise and I love challenges that foster professional and personal growth

DBM: So, what’s the plan?

Nanyamka: I want to leave the children behind, in his care. He loves the kids but I feel like he’s emotionally disconnected himself because I am the active one in their lives all day, every day. He just fills in the gabs and spoils them rotten with gifts to make it up for his absence. I feel like I’ve enabled him into taking the backseat for far too long.

DBM: How old are your kids?

Nanyamka: They’re under 12 years

DBM: Looking at the description you gave of your husband, is he the kind of role model you’d want to be reinforcing ‘good’ behavior in your children?

Nanyamka: He’s their father

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: But most importantly, I’d want them to see through his bullshit as they grow. I feel like I’ve been covering for him for so long

DBM: How long do you intending stay away from them?

Nanyamka: Till the last child is 18

DBM: What happens to your marriage then?

Nanyamka: I’m trying to enhance my marriage with this decision. I’ve done everything possible to get my marriage back on track but I’m now at a place where there is nothing else left to do but to unofficially split up. My plan is to come and check on the children every three or four months. Dave, I’ve often struggled, always questioning whether or not I am doing the best I can for my children.

DBM: As a parent, you only have a limited window of time to adequately prepare your children to become responsible individuals.

Nanyamka: True

DBM: Does your husband know about your traveling plans?

Nanyamka: I’ve not told him yet

DBM: When do you plan discussing it with him?

Nanyamka: There is not going to be a discussion. I will just tell him the morning of my departure in August.

DBM: That’s not fair

Nanyamka: Fairness is in the eye of the beholder. David, my husband has managed to weaken the bond between us with his betrayal. I feel pained because I sacrificed more than enough of myself and aspirations to be available to him and the children. As it stands now, I’ve got to also choose myself above all else. I used to think it was healthier making my husband the first priority

DBM: What do you think is your job as a parent?

Nanyamka: Raising my babies with a strong sense of self-worth

DBM: I see

Nanyamka: My needs come first henceforth

DBM: Participant 124, Otis, left a question for you: ‘Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?’

Nanyamka: My future always begins with me staying in the present and now. The present and feeling good about it makes me feel better about life. Tapping into this good feeling enables me to attain what I want tomorrow.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Nanyamka: If the one person who’s hurt you the most showed up at your door, unannounced, what would you say to him or her?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Jennifer Enujiugha

Let’s Talk To Otis

Written by David B on June 12, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 124: Otis

DBM: Hello Otis. How would you describe yourself?

Otis: I stay true to myself majority of the time. I like challenges and I don’t always take the easiest routes out of a situation.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Otis: Eight

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Otis: As at March 14^th 2023, I was of the opinion that I was burdened by a conflicting issue. My wife is the perfect homemaker and we have a great friendship and relationship. She is her happiest when around me; she’s affectionate and caring, but I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hyping my energy to her level. We’re in our 8^th year of marriage and if I am to cast my mind back to the statistics within my circle of friends, the likelihoods of me and my wife ending up in a lifelong marriage could fundamentally be based on a coin toss. Dave, I’m going to be honest, my heart wasn’t in it last year and was indifferent about the way forward. Divorce or separation did cross my mind but I felt guilty at the thought of it because my wife really has been good to me. I know my life is better because I’m a part of hers, but I was in a state where I though my true feelings would be miserable if I continued staying married. The crazy thing is, my wife sensed my unhappiness and has been showing up for us to talk about what is going on with me. I just have not been able to truthfully open up to her about my feelings. What I want to talk about is how I had the perfect opportunity to meet a need in me with another woman but chose not to.

DBM: Why?

Otis: I realized abruptly that there is nothing wrong with my wife, and that I would have cheated regardless of who I was in a relationship with. I am the one with issues to deal with, not my wife.

DBM: That’s a first. Walk me through your process

Otis: I did meet with the other woman in the hotel room, and I was ready to rumble. But her phone kept ringing. She was ignoring the calls and it wouldn’t stop ringing, so I told her to answer it. That was when I realized she was married. It was her husband on the call. Yes, I did not know she was married. How we met and how our conversations built up to this moment is a story for another day; but I figured out she was cheating back because her husband had cheated on her. Listening to her argue with her husband on the call was my principal driver of loyalty to my wife. I found myself in a state of appreciation for my wife and all that she’s done for me, our marriage and the children. I never knew I could acknowledge her value that quickly, to the extent that, when the lady was done shouting on her phone, there was a less chance of me wanting to take the risk of hurting my wife by doing something foolish. I wasn’t ready to put my marriage in jeopardy.

DBM: How did you explain your ‘aha’ moment to the lady?

Otis: There was nothing to explain. I just told her I couldn’t. I booked the room for her though – to stay the night, which she said she did.

DBM: How easy or difficult was the sudden switch off?

Otis: It was within my decision-making process. Being sexually attracted to someone, I think is controllable. And from what I experienced; I could choose without a doubt not to act on my urges. Sometimes, family takes precedence

DBM: That’s good to know

Otis: It’s a choice. In fact, I realized that if I had gone ahead with the lady in the hotel room, it would have been a decision made out of my greed to satisfy my selfish needs.

DBM: What if your needs were valid?

Otis: Oh, the urge was valid. I wanted something different but I was awoken to the idea of maybe, creating that different feel with what I already have at home. I love my wife, no doubts about that; I just needed a reason to make a tough decision that was in her best interest for once.

DBM: Are you proud of the outcome?

Otis: I did good, I think. I chose to protect my wife even though she wasn’t a witness to it. I chose to put a smile on her face even though she doesn’t get to know about that. I caused my wife to feel loved and chosen by me. If I will be honest, she chooses me every day; this was my turn to do her the honors and return a favor. This decision also is a huge step to improve upon myself and our marriage, instead of destroying it. My wife’s hope in me couldn’t go down the drain just for a few minutes of pleasure. Loving someone genuinely burdens you to do right by them.

DBM: I concur. Do you know why you were assuming your life could be miserable while with wifey?

Otis: I don’t know why but I know it started as a fantasy. In my mind, I was comparing my present with a future. Future meaning, dating or being married to a different woman.

DBM: Do you still find your wife attractive?

Otis: I do

DBM: And you can imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her and being content with just her in your heart?

Otis: I think so

DBM: Whenever I find myself in the ‘I think so’ phase, it usually means I’m still beating myself up because my tolerance for the unknown and unpredictability is still on the low.

Otis: I don’t know

DBM: Otis

Otis: Yeah?

DBM: It’s okay not to be sure. It’s okay to sometimes also worry. I believe it’s okay to even feel bad about yourself sometimes. You don’t have to be strong all the time. I am proud of you for the decision you took in the hotel room. You’re a good man.

Otis: Hopefully, I wouldn’t fall apart at the long run

DBM: But even if you do, you have every right to. It enables you to find yourself all over again. So, it’s not always that bad. Give yourself some credit

Otis: I agree, I’m a good guy.

DBM: Why do you love your wife?

Otis: She accepts me even when I don’t know exactly what to do with her attention. She’s caring towards me when I am indifferent about my emotions. She encourages me to learn what it takes to be good to myself with her love for me. I don’t know why I love her but I know I do.

DBM: That’s good enough a response. Participant 123, Vance, left a question for you: ‘What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year-old self be disappointed in you?’

Otis: I was by my father’s side at the hospital when he died. My mum had gone home to prepare his favorite meal because he had specifically requested for rice and palmnut soup. Before the doctor confirmed his death, he got a notification on his phone. I was holding his phone when it beeped. It was from one of his close friends, a family friend I would say. His wife and my mum are very close friends too. It was a love message. It caught me unawares, and so I unlocked the phone to read the full message. My dad had been pronounced dead minutes later, and I was supposed to be crying or something but I couldn’t stop myself from reading their conversations dating back to the messages he hadn’t deleted yet. They also exchanged a lot of gay porn and from their conversations, planned on which positions to try when they were together. I went through his google search history and realized he wasn’t the man I thought he was. My dad was married to my mother for 40 years. I couldn’t tell for how long he and the man had been together, but they were very close friends when I was a kid. I haven’t told anyone in my family, and I don’t intend to. As for my mother, I don’t want to break her heart. My 10-year-old self would tell my mother everything.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Otis: Okay! Do you see the future being better than the present? Why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mizuno K

Let’s Talk To Vance

Written by David B on June 11, 2023. Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 123: Vance

DBM: Hi Vance. How would you describe yourself?

Vance: A man who doesn’t compromise on things that matter to me. I am married and have a daughter.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Vance: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Vance: I got a gig when I was a university student to sell my sperm. The motivation given me was that, aside the potential to earn money, I had the opportunity to do some real good by helping others to have a baby. It was a woman who approached me first on campus. After explaining things to me, she walked me to her car to introduce me to her husband. Apparently, they had been scouting on campus for days searching for a specific kind of guy. I had the looks and athletic physique they both could agree on. The next phase was for me to print out copies of my semester examination results, which they paid for. They were very pleased with my grades. They tested my temperament with weird discussions and then finally, asked me to charge for my service. They had rented a fully furnished one-bedroom house, close to campus, for me to be meeting his wife for sexual intercourse. The agreement I signed stated explicitly that the woman would stop coming over the moment she’s confirmed to be pregnant by their doctor. She took seed on the third month of being with me.

DBM: What else was in the agreement?

Vance: I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her. I wasn’t going to be a part of their baby’s life; total parental control handed over to them, non-disclosure and not getting in touch with them when it’s over. They took my contact information if the child ever needed a life-saving medical intervention. They haven’t contacted me yet.

DBM: Meaning, the child is doing alright, which is good – no?

Vance: Yes!

DBM: How much did you charge them?

Vance: I asked for a motorbike, tuition fee from level 300 to final year fully paid; books and feeding allowances, and paying the rent of the one-bedroom house till I graduated from Legon.

DBM: That was a smart fee

Vance: Yeah!

DBM: How long was this?

Vance: 20 years ago

DBM: Oh, okay!

Vance: The plans I had for my life included earning a master’s degree, which I have, finding a good paying job, which I also have; getting married, which I am and having children. My wife and I have been struggling to conceive for the past seven years. She’s always crying because she feels she’s being looked down upon due to social stigmatization. My wife has had three miscarriages already. She also battled with endometriosis and we aren’t sure if she’d be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Dave, our desire to be pregnant is currently screaming out loud

DBM: There is hope for you and your wife

Vance: My wife is currently stressed beyond her tolerance. She’s become so depressed, it’s affecting our marriage. I’ve been thinking…

DBM: No!

Vance: No what?

DBM: I know what you’re about to say

Vance: What?

DBM: That child is NOT yours.

Vance: She has 50% of my DNA in her

DBM: How do you know she’s a girl?

Vance: I tracked her

DBM: How?

Vance: I searched for the names of the lady and her husband on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram recently, and found them. The woman has been tagging our daughter in her posts on Facebook. She’s a student at KNUST.

DBM: How do you know that’s your daughter?

Vance: It’s her. You should see her eyes and face. She smiles just like my little sister

DBM: Does your wife know about this past?

Vance: No.

DBM: Do you have any idea how disruptive this information can be – if she’s to find out?

Vance: That’s why she’s never going to find out

DBM: What are you planning next?

Vance: I’ll be travelling to Kumasi to find her. I feel she needs to connect with the other side of her roots.

DBM: Have you factored in the incalculable effect it could have on her state of mind as a student? The effect it could have on her family?

Vance: I am also her family

DBM: You signed over your parental rights for a motorbike

Vance: She’s still my blood. What if her father dies? Wouldn’t it be prudent of her to know her biological father is there for her?

DBM: What if you die after revealing your identity? How do you expect her to process your loss?

Vance: I’m not dying any time soon. Dave, I want to be present in my daughter’s life, and help her whenever she needs help

DBM: Even if your intentions have the probability of costing you and her family something? Whatever you feel is motivating your decision isn’t aligning with the contract you signed with her parents.

Vance: I am willing to refund their money with interest, if that’s what it’s going to cost me to have a relationship with my daughter.

DBM: What if after the great reveal, she doesn’t want to be your daughter?

Vance: That’s her choice to make.

DBM: I still think you’re being unfair. You agreed to a transaction and its detailed terms, and now you’re refusing to honor your word. I don’t think that makes you trustworthy

Vance: Rules are meant to be broken sometimes

DBM: If your wife is not going to know about all this, why are you chasing after the girl?

Vance: It’s for my own satisfaction; the knowledge that I have a daughter who knows about my existence

DBM: How does that translate into comforting your wife? Or she’s not your concern right now?

Vance: God will give her strength. Dave, I love my wife but some things are just what it is.

DBM: Okay!

Vance: Yeah!

DBM: I want to introduce something new with these conversations, starting with you. Leave the next participant a question to answer.

Vance: On what subject?

DBM: It could be on anything

Vance: This is my question: What is the one truth about you today that would probably make your 10-year old self be disappointed in you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Pikx By Panther

Let’s Talk To Yumna

Written by David B on June 10, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 122: My name is Yumna

DBM: Hello Yumna. How would you describe yourself?

Yumna: I’m a survivor

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Yumna: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Yumna: When I was 15 years, I was raped by my mother’s boyfriend. We were staying in the Pretoria Moot area. It’s a neighborhood supposed to be having a strong sense of community, yet get raped as a young girl and see who would jump to your defense or be a safe space to turn for help. I couldn’t speak out against my perpetrator; no one would have believed me, not even my mother. The perception of me out there wasn’t great, simply because I loved to dress and look pretty. Dave, I feel more comfortable wearing short skirts than wearing any other kind/type of shorts or trousers. I was able to move around freely, especially in crowded places. That was my crime 17 years ago, because I decided to wear a mini-skirt and a cropped top to go partying with my friends. My biggest fear was getting shunned and blamed for something I did not do, and that’s what he would have done – telling my mother I tried seducing him. Because he was loved in the community, and respected by my mum. I was conditioned and threatened to keep quiet about it. And so, I did. Long story short, he married my mother and got away with it.

DBM: Who else knows about what he did to you?

Yumna: It’s not a story I could easily come forward to share, partly due to the shame attached to it. I ended up blaming myself even though I knew I didn’t do anything to deserve what he did to me.

DBM: This must have been really tough for you!

Yumna: David, time did not in any way heal this wound. Rape is an unfortunate experience that no lady can just pretend to live through. I had to go through it, the trauma, the fear and shock, the disappointment and hurt; all those feelings of failing myself – I had to feel them. It burdened me until the feelings kind of, run out eventually. That was my only way out of driving myself crazy.

DBM: I’m so sorry this happened

Yumna: It’s past. I just want to share how far I have come since that incident, to encourage any girl feeling like a failure.

DBM: How far have you come?

Yumna: I’m a Registered Nurse working in the Cardiac ICU at the Lenmed Ethekwini Hospital and Heart Centre, located in Durban, South Africa.

DBM: Oh, nice!

Yumna: And, I’m very proud of myself

DBM: You should be.

Yumna: I run away from home, four or five days after the incident. I didn’t feel safe in my mother’s house because he had moved in to stay with us. He had his own house, but after what he did, I don’t know the discussions he had with my mum, they decided to rent his place out so it could serve as another source of income for the home. When I realized he would be sleeping over at mum’s, I run and never looked back.

DBM: Run to where?

Yumna: I had money saved, so I went to one of my father’s sisters at Sebokeng. My mother didn’t like this particular aunt, and so I knew her home would be the last place my mum would come searching for me. After narrating my ordeal to her, she promised not to call either of my parents. I was enrolled into a new academic programme at a different school.

DBM: How was life in general for you at Sebokeng?

Yumna: It was a different kind of nightmare. My aunt was a sex worker, and though it wasn’t a job she was proud of, it was the means through which food was put on my plate. She made sure I was devoid of any real exposure to the inner workings of her profession. And she reminded me to do better than her in life, so I can be sending her money when I grew up.

DBM: Where is she now?

Yumna: She died when I turned 29

DBM: Did she have a family of her own?

Yumna: I was her only family. She never married nor had children. She was of the opinion that marriage would restrict her freedom to be.

DBM: What is the relationship between you and your mother now?

Yumna: There is no relationship

DBM: And your dad?

Yumna: We’re very cool

DBM: He knew about your whereabouts when you left your mum’s?

Yumna: No. They all got to see me for the first time in a long time at my aunt’s funeral.

DBM: Do you miss your aunt?

Yumna: She was the mother I never had. She did not have an easy life. Her reputation may have stunk in the community, but she was humble and very generous. Most of those who talked bad about her did not know about her graciousness and kindness. She worked long hours just to pay for my education. Though her line of work may not be what I’d ordinarily subscribe to, she used her services to find me opportunities. Some of her clients were directors and managers of scholarship trusts. She traded what she could offer for scholarships to enable me through my education. She serviced the right clients for my breakthroughs. I studied hard to maintain every opportunity she brought my way. And interestingly, none of her clients made advances at me – to return the favor.

DBM: Were you able to make it up to her?

Yumna: I did. She moved in with me till her death. She died of HIV.

DBM: How do you feel about everything that has happened to you thus far?

Yumna: My life so far has been a journey. It has not been easy for me but everything I have gone through has contributed to where I am today. I will smile in spite of all the odds I am bound to experience on this new path I’m on. I see my life today to be good because I’ve been striving to live consciously with each day’s challenges. My aunt may have been a prostitute but she had something special to give me. Whoever comes your way has something to offer you – that is, if you’re open to receiving it. I’m living through life, loving and learning from it.

Image Credit: Laura James

Let’s Talk To Chiamaka

Written by David B on June 9, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 121: Chiamaka

DBM: Hi Chiamaka. How would you describe yourself?

Chiamaka: A wife, mother, solid with math skills, business oriented and a problem solver

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Chiamaka: 8 or 9. Any of them goes

DBM: Did you get to read your husband’s conversation with me?

Chiamaka: I did

DBM: What’s your take on it?

Chiamaka: What he failed to mention was the fact that, I came into his life with my own baggage. I was four months pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My car had broken down by the roadside on my way to work, and he apparently had seen me stranded while driving to work. I did not even know all this because he did not stop to talk or check on my situation. 20 minutes or so later, a mechanic and his team came to my rescue, and to my surprise, Uzo had arranged for them to sort me out. He had also paid for their services in advance. I took his number from the mechanic to express my appreciation. Our first conversation wasn’t supposed to be lovey-dovey; I wasn’t ready for a relationship, because I had decided to stop trying so hard for a man. My decision was to relax, focus on the pregnancy and be myself. I was thinking if Uzoma truly was interested in knowing me, he was going to have to accept me for who I was, not who he wanted me to be. He turned out to have the ability to bring friendship and love into my life; cared for me and my unborn child with kindness and compassion. Your chat with my husband is everything he’s been to me. The man I’m married to sees beyond my flaws and adores me beyond all measure. He’s loved me the exact way he promised he would, and I am such a happy woman because of the way Uzoma encourages me to explore all sides of me.

DBM: So, according to Uzoma, one of your Aunties advised you not to expect too much from him, if you did not want to be disappointed someday. What are your expectations of him?

Chiamaka: I have none set for him. The truth is, I cannot control the way a man thinks, or feels. I have no control over his reactions. How he chooses to act is purely up to him. What I know is, I’ve been creating my own happiness since we met. If there are any expectations to be set, I set them for myself because I have the ability to control my own behavior.

DBM: What is the one favorite memory of you and your husband that you love the most?

Chiamaka: We have a twice a week habit of taking a shower together. It’s something we both are into and look forward to every week. It’s been providing us with a bonding space to feel more comfortable around each other. I believe this has hugely contributed to him being himself around me.

DBM: When did you realize that you love him?

Chiamaka: When I had to squeeze his hand at the hospital during contractions. Uzo wasn’t freaked out during the delivery of my first child. It clearly was exhausting for him to watch me push out the baby, but he stood by my side though he wasn’t his biological child. He was the one who cut the cord, held and kissed him first before handing my baby over to me. I fell in love with his gesture right there, I asked him to name the child.

DBM: Where was your baby’s father?

Chiamaka: He was on his honeymoon. He had gotten married that same Saturday

DBM: Is he part of your child’s life?

Chiamaka: He’s welcome to be if he wants to

DBM: Meaning?

Chiamaka: Uzoma is helping me raise our son, and because of that, has gained an unfathomable, richer relationship with me. Our son only knows one father, my husband.

DBM: But does your ex know about the child?

Chiamaka: He does

DBM: Can I pry further?

Chiamaka: It depends on the next question

DBM: Your ex, was he dating his wife when you two got together?

Chiamaka: No! We were together for three years and he cheated on me with her. They got divorced in 2016. He’s married to his second wife now, I believe

DBM: Alice Addy on Facebook wants to know how your husband was brough up. Was his father helping his mother with house chores, etc. when growing up?

Chiamaka: He was raised practically by a single parent, though his mother and father were married. From what he’s told me, his dad was only in his life to pay school fees. He worked a lot and was mostly not home, leaving his mother to manage the household. Uzo has four other siblings by his parents and two half-brothers from a different woman. His dad is married to another woman

DBM: Is his mother still alive?

Chiamaka: She is, happily divorced

DBM: Why do you think your husband is so much involved when it comes to household chores?

Chiamaka: I married a considerate man. He cares about me and my overall wellbeing. He’s also very kind, compassionate and thoughtful, and often wants me to breathe. He does not waver to do whatever needs to be done to keep the home tidy. His contribution to running our household has nothing to do with ‘helping me out.’ He just finds delight in taking on his fair share of the duties and responsibilities. He’s of the view that, he lives in the same house with me, and so why not do his part to support upkeep? He’s involved with the children because they are his children too, and it’s his job to be present to them as their father.

DBM: Kwaku Acheampong on Facebook wants to know how you manage a quarrel with your husband.

Chiamaka: Because there was a child in our midst by the time we married, we were mindful of conflicts between us. We schedule a time to work out our disagreements without any swearing, yelling over each other or fighting. This wasn’t a habit we wanted to encourage in our home. If we’re to quarrel or have a misunderstanding, he either would speak first or I’d do about the issue at hand in a respectful tone. We decided 11 years ago not to yell at each other. We’re not into name-calling or insults. Uzo knows how much I love him. I know the depth of his love for me. We cherish our relationship and have no plans messing it up. Afterall, we loved each other before learning how to fight each other.

DBM: Is love enough an ingredient to sustain a relationship/marriage?

Chiamaka: From my 11 years’ experience with Uzoma, it’s been the trust in our commitment to each other to make the best of decisions, and also to uphold high standards and values. Our teamwork and the hope that we’ve both got each other’s back for real – is also maintaining our interest in the relationship. We have utmost respect for one another and greatly admire what the other does professionally and personally. My husband gets to be himself in order to live his best life; I get to do same to stay connected and happy. The last ingredient to the best of my knowledge is how much we like each other. Uzo is a man I love with all of my heart, but I LIKE him more. My husband likes me to the extent that, he’s always in a hurry to close from work to spend time with me and our children. He likes the man he becomes when hangs out with me at home. He brings the best in me too when I’m with him. Is love enough? Love becomes the outgrowth of the trust we have in each other, our respect for one another and the extent at which we genuinely like each other’s matter.

DBM: This is healthy information. Thank you!

Chiamaka: You’re welcome. We’re done, I guess?

DBM: I have one last question, please?

Chiamaka: Listening…

DBM: Sex. Your husband wouldn’t stop talking about how much he loves having sex with you. How important is sex?

Chiamaka: As a believer, marriage reflects the kind of relationship God wants to have with mankind. The Bible makes references to God being our husband and the entire human race being His bride. The Bible talks about His pursuit, passion and desire to have intimacy with us (His bride); to be close and connected to us, etc. That is the same sexual drive Uzoma has for me. I believe it was put in him by God to want and need me so much that until he’s cum inside of me, he’s not satisfied that he’s bonded enough that day with his wife. I don’t resent him for that, I don’t judge or assume of him to be objectifying my body. I don’t deny my husband what gives him fulfilment and joy and peace. Invalidating Uzo’s desire for lovemaking only would hurt our relationship, because I know the man I’m married to; sex is a big deal for him and he loves to have sex with me. That is why he’s ensured for the past decade our housework becomes a shared project. He assists in cleaning the house and putting the home in order. That’s his gesture of love for me, and it blesses me personally. At the end of a long day, I am able to breathe, build up my strength so he can take me in his arms and carry me to bed. Uzo loves being inside of, and going down on me. I can’t take that away from him. Seeing him excited turns me on.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let’s Talk To Easton

Written by David B on June 7, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 120: Pastor Easton

DBM: Hello Easton. How would you describe yourself?

Easton: I am a young man growing up to become a true man of God. I wake up every day striving to keep my heart pure. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes as a human being, but as a Christian, I try my best to ensure those mistakes are minimized. I love the Bible, and I read it every day. The wisdom of God helps me into making good decisions, and I work hard at becoming smarter, and most importantly, a very disciplined young man.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Easton: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Easton: I have been following the conversations you have with people, and it’s been an interesting source of information for me. I want to use this unique opportunity with you to encourage anyone feeling down and alone, God loves you completely.

DBM: How old are you?

Easton: 46

DBM: Married?

Easton: Yes. I’ve been married for 15 years

DBM: Okay! Please continue with your message

Easton: Many of us are finding ourselves in situations that are making us feel like we’re lost and without compass. The love of God encompasses you wholly, and it’s so perfect a love – though some of us refuse to see and acknowledge it. The love of God actually has very little to do with us, Dave. It’s got everything to do with Him.

DBM: Why did you choose to become a pastor?

Easton: It wasn’t my first choice of interest. In fact, there are days I sometimes wonder how my life would have been by now if I had pursued my dreams of becoming a medical doctor. Because I had the grades and got into the programme alright. But after the first two years, it started to feel like I was running from God. I suddenly had no passion for science; I just wanted to preach the Word of God to people on campus. I became a pastor because I know it’s an honorable job. I love studying the Word of God and preaching from it. It’s actually fun, Dave. I get paid to study the Bible and in order to challenge the faith of others into understanding the workings of God. I do not take the Call upon my life for granted.

DBM: Tell me about your personal relationship with Jesus Christ. How has it impacted your everyday routine?

Easton: Accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior has helped me to be honest and just. I understand what it means to live to please God. I overheard my wife once telling my son that, ‘daddy (which is me) has a decent character and his conscience is clean. Because of my relationship of Christ, I know how to speak to people; I know how to always tell the truth. Every move I make, I consult with The Lord in prayer; every decision I take, I look unto The Lord for guidance and direction. The love I have for Jesus, is similar to the love I express on my wife… It’s genuine and true.

DBM: How do you tell the difference between the Will of GOD and your own agenda for yourself and the church?

Easton: I am persistent in seeking and knowing His Will and guidance. And I know I’m growing spiritually each day with Him to strengthen our relationship. What I know is, whatever God wills will come to pass, regardless of what I think or do. Nothing I do or say affects God’s ultimate plans. I flow with God, and because of that I understand His nature and character. This has enabled me to go after what He desires of me in all situations.

DBM: What is your all-time favorite Bible passage?

Easton: Matthew chapter 6, verse 31 to 34, ‘So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own’.

DBM: Why this particular passage?

Easton: I am a believer of the fact that, my God shall provide, because He’s on my side. That’s why I hardly worry about things that are beyond my control.

DBM: Many of your colleagues are abusing their authority, embezzling church funds, are into sexual indiscretions; they’re lying, exaggerating on issues, giving false prophesies and interpretations; playing mind games on their congregants, all because they feel they can get away with it. Are you doing any of that, and what’s your take on what is happening with most church leaderships?

Easton: I live in a five-bedroom house built by my dad. It was willed to me. My late father was a physician in the UK. He had two children, I and my sister. My sister resides in his other home in London, with her family. It’s the money he left me that I used in building this church. Monies from the church does not come to me. The church has a board managing its affairs. The members of the board are all professionals with their individual careers, aside their love for the things of God. They are not paid by the church. They volunteer their professional services to keep the church running. Just like any other church, we need money to operate our facility, that is why we have a system to collect donations. These monies are partly used to pay me, the church staff, bills within the church, and some allocated for specific outreach programs. Departments and ministries within the church submit their budgets, and we give some of these monies to them to operate. 30% off the total financial donations is set aside to push the benevolence fund. It is strictly to help our church members in need. Our obligation as a church is to God, the neighborhood we fellowship in, and the members of the church.

DBM: How much are you paid a month?

Easton: Almost 4,800 Ghs

DBM: Are you part of those cheating on their wives and lying/pretending about it?

Easton: I have never known any other woman intimately, but my wife. I made a promise to God, in the presence of other witnesses to love my wife, comfort and honor her; I promised to keep only to her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others – by being faithful to only her as long as we both shall live. This promise, I have no intention of breaking. And it has nothing to do with me being a pastor or Christian. It has everything to do with me being a man of my word. A man can be trusted if he’s managed to keep this very important vow. I will trust a politician who has kept this vow. I will trust a church leader who has kept this vow. I will trust the ordinary man who is keeping this vow. My son ought to see his dad live in truth, so through it, see honor and integrity as an attribute worth chasing.

DBM: I know people who are trying to live an upright life the best way possible for GOD, yet are trodden underfoot. I see and know preachers using their authority to take advantage of vulnerable people.

Easton: God will judge every single one of them according to their deeds. They will reap whatever they’ve sown. They will get their due even if they seem to be progressing day in and out. Their days on earth are like a shadow; they will come but go quickly. You will find this scripture in Ps. 102:11

DBM: Why do you fear the Lord?

Easton: Because eternal life is my goal. I look forward to justice winning and evil being vanquished.

DBM: What do you make of what I do with my Facebook account?

Easton: There’s a calling on your life, David. And how you’re managing your Facebook space is part of what I believe God wants you to do. Allow people to share with you what is on their minds. Do not let them edit its details and contents. Let them speak their truth. Let them come as they are. For nothing at all, my wife and I prayer for each participant we read about on your page. You’ve developed the tenacity to keep on keeping on, and so David Bondze-Mbir, keep on keeping on.

DBM: I have this one important question on my mind. I don’t know how to ask it because I don’t want to talk about it. You’re a pastor, figure out what it is, and address it accordingly to my hearing.

Easton: There is no conditionality in God’s love for you. He loves you no less than He loves me. Just as you are, He will meet you in the place of your need. And when that need is met to your satisfaction, whether or not people approve, you’re still a child of God. God knows what you are like, He understand your heart and believes you deserve all that is beautiful to gladden your heart. That is actually the good news you need to hold on to. Nothing else matters.

DBM: Noted!

Image Credit: Cottonbro studio

Let’s Talk To Uzoma

Written by David B on June 6, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 119: My name na Uzoma

DBM: Hi Uzoma. How would you describe yourself?

Uzoma: Fine Nigerian man with a wife and children inside Banana Island. I think I have a warm fuzzy in my heart.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uzoma: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uzoma: I’m not advertising myself; I am not trying to indirectly tell any woman how to feel about me. In fact, I am happily married; let me just put that one across. When I married my wife, one of her Aunties gave her this piece of advice during our wedding reception, ‘do not expect too much from your husband oo, Chiamaka, if you do not want to be disappointed someday’. My wife’s name is Chiamaka, which means, ‘God is good’. David, as a man who has been true to Chiamaka for the past 11 years of marriage, contrary to her aunt’s advice, I think every woman should rather expect a whole lot of a great deal from the men they’re in relationships with – and not for a second, be expecting disappointments. Good men should not be hard to find. And all the wonderful men aren’t already taken.

DBM: How old are you?

Uzoma: 43

DBM: Continue …

Uzoma: I’ve come across a dozen women who have told me to the face, ‘Uzo, I long for you.’ And all these women know I am married. Some even are friends with Chiamaka, yet find me desirable. When a man truthfully loves his wife, and is being loved back by her, the best version of himself shines through. As I chat with you now, I feel like I’m alive because this morning, Chiamaka caressed my loins, held me tight, kissed my lips, sucked out my third leg almost to tears, and rode me with so much confidence – I cum harder than a quickie. Then before stepping out to my car, she smiled at me and whispered love to my ears. A different woman will see me today and just assume I’m a fine man; but do they know the cause of my fineness? Chiamaka’s watered garden is what is bearing fruits to their admiration.

DBM: Hehehe. You’re funny 😊

Uzoma: It’s the truth, David. Nigerian men love mekwe

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Uzoma: Never

DBM: Why not?

Uzoma: Whenever I catch another woman checking me out, my heart billows with so much pride. In fact, I get excited because Chiamaka is working the right number on me.

DBM: Why do you think most men are not so clear lately about what it means to be true and of good character?

Uzoma: Again, let me use my Chiamaka as an example. When we considered dating, she took kpansh with me off the table. She wasn’t a virgin; I wasn’t either. It was a decision she had made, not to sleep with me. Today’s woman is all about celebrating her sexual freedom. I’m all for it but what she’s not aware of is that, her liberty to do whatever with herself is what is giving us men dominance to misbehave and get away with things on the sex market. If the milk was supplied me for free, what’s the relevance in revering the cow? To answer your question, I respect my wife so much to think of disappointing her. I fear letting her down. It will hurt my feelings to betray her trust in me. She’s the only inspiration behind the why I want to get my shid together.

DBM: Because she wasn’t willing to be your sex partner during the dating period?

Uzoma: Because it was impossible to pressure her into having sex with me.

DBM: I see

Uzoma: We had our first sex only because she wanted to sleep with me.

DBM: How long into the relationship?

Uzoma: After nine months

DBM: Why did she give in?

Uzoma: I’m guessing it had become clear to her that I was in for the long haul.

DBM: Are you for sex before or after getting married?

Uzoma: I am all for shagging

DBM: I see. What else is there to you?

Uzoma: As I said already, I love me some Chiamaka, and though we live under the same roof, we have different characters. At work, I’m one of the best team players, something I am very proud of. That is why when my wife suggested we hired a help to assist us at home, I said no. A house help, in my opinion, would have destroyed the level of teamwork that we share now at home. And I didn’t want at any point to feel like any of us were neglecting our duties. One thing I don’t know how to do is to cook. My wife is great at that, so whenever I get home, I show my gratitude in other ways. I talk and play with the children, help with their homework, and put them to bed every night, etc. On weekends, I clean the windows of the house, I help with laundry, I clean the toilets and bathrooms, the cars, take out trash, make the bed, etc. I’m basically saying, I sweep, I mop and dust

DBM: What’s your profession?

Uzoma: I’m a Petroleum Engineer. Chiamaka is a Financial Analyst

DBM: You’re both busy

Uzoma: We are

DBM: How many kids?

Uzoma: 3. Two boys and a girl

DBM: Interesting

Uzoma: When I get home from work, I put the pride aside and just humble myself before my wife and children. For 11 years I’ve been lending Chiamaka a helping hand at home, and it has helped our marriage a lot. My home is peaceful, clean, happy, fun, lively, and engaging. My wife feels relaxed, calm and excited to jump into bed with me at the end of each day.

DBM: I think you’re a good man, sir

Uzoma: Thank you, David. I try.

DBM: What are you most proud of?

Uzoma: I smile when at the end of the day, my wife gets to call her mom and mine to say hello. Being each other’s help-mate gives her hands time to check on others. I’m also proud of myself when I sacrifice my sleep, sometimes to attend to our daughter or sons – when they wake up at night. I do this so Chiamaka can have enough sleep for work.

DBM: Does putting in the work at home make you any less of a man?

Uzoma: On the contrary, I’ve seen marital problems fade away right before my eyes. I’ve been a witness to the effort Chiamaka puts into making me happy, and I am empowered to even do more for her and our children. I don’t know how to say this, but I think my wife has the keys to my heart. She treats me right

DBM: I would love to have a chat with your wife

Uzoma: I will pass on your message tonight

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Vazhnik

Let’s Talk To Rema

Written by David B on June 5, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 118: Rema please

DBM: Hello Rema. How would you describe yourself?

Rema: I used to be a very lively, focused and very happy but not anymore

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rema: Four David

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rema: My daughter and my marriage

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Rema: She will be 10 this year

DBM: And, how long have you been married?

Rema: Almost five years

DBM: What’s going on with your daughter?

Rema: David, I had my daughter at an early age. She is very brilliant and very beautiful. She is the kind of child every parent is proud to have. Unfortunately, I have failed her.

DBM: Parenting can be hard

Rema: When I was dating, my husband and his family got to know I had a child. I was invited to bring her over. She was welcomed with open arms or so I thought

DBM: Okay?

Rema: I was told she couldn’t move in with me. My husband lives with his parents. I had to leave my daughter with her dad because my mum is a busy person. I thought if she couldn’t stay with me, at least, she could spend her vacations with me. But that also turned out to be something that was kicked against by my in-laws. I can count the number of times I have seen her these years David. She is in a different region and far away from me. She calls me every time, asking me to come for her. She sends me messages asking why I chose her brother over her and have abandoned her.

DBM: If your actions and decisions are causing emotional damage to your daughter, then you’re not doing something right

Rema: Yes David. I know as a parent I have failed her and keep failing her daily. She apologizes for wrongs she thought she might have committed, thus, me choosing to leave her with her dad.

DBM: Your daughter’s father, how is his character like?

Rema: He is very promiscuous. And it’s gotten so bad that he allows our daughter to stay with his girlfriends’ sometimes

DBM: Why did you choose a man over your own daughter?

Rema: My husband adores her; it’s just his parents. I know it doesn’t make sense but if I were to leave this marriage, my son would be taken away from me. He’s too young, and knowing them, I may not be allowed to be a part of his life. I feel I will put him through exactly how my daughter feels right now. But then again, my husband isn’t ready to move out of his parents’. He keeps telling me to be patient, and that everything will work out eventually. Not that he can’t afford it but his parents threatened him.

DBM: Don’t get me wrong with this; I understand how you equally want to be happy and feel loved and all that, I do get it. But choosing to become a mother was a duty you decided to take on, with the understanding of it altering your life forever, no?

Rema: Yes, it did change my life from the very beginning. I gave birth to my daughter three weeks after WACCE. I couldn’t get the grades an ‘A’ student was supposed to. Nonetheless, I work in the health sector now.

DBM: Why is your husband staying with his parents?

Rema: Because they want him there. His dad said he hasn’t given him the permission to leave yet, because they need someone to be serving them like his wife served his mother. Because they didn’t raise him to this level for him to choose me over them; and that if he should leave without their permission, they won’t talk to him ever again, not even in death.

DBM: How old is your husband?

Rema: 37

DBM: How old are you?

Rema: 31

DBM: Did you know about his family’s dynamics prior to settling down with him?

Rema: No, not at all. I wouldn’t have. They appeared as the nicest people ever. They made me feel loved. His dad could call me as late as 10 pm, just to convince me to allow them go see my people. His mum would tell me how I was an answered prayer to her. But it was all a big lie. They wanted a slave in their mansion; someone they could abuse without you saying a word. The emotional and verbal abuse from his parents is too much for me now. He feels I shouldn’t pay attention to their utterances because its old age

DBM: So, your husband chose his parents over building a future with you. Your daughter is somewhere crying because she’s been choosing you to choose her, yet you do not see the need to be extra picky, ensuring that you never put a man before your child?

Rema: Yes David, that’s the truth I’m refusing to accept. I don’t know why

DBM: Are you done serving your own busy mother?

Rema: No, on the contrary. I didn’t serve my mother. My mum had maids growing up and still does. I was served when I was with my mother.

DBM: I see. What are you going to do?

Rema: I honestly don’t know! I cry myself to sleep almost every night but I’m confused. I know that I have to step up because things cannot remain as they are but then again, will I be happy if I leave my son behind? Won’t it be choosing one over the other? Will my son not also blame me for abandoning him when he grows a little?

DBM: Again, YOU are their mother. So, what makes you think you have to leave your children behind?

Rema: My in-laws have constantly reminded me that I won’t leave with their grandchild. Because they have the power and influence to make that happen. Also, traditionally, the child belongs to the man where we come from. If I threaten my husband that I’m leaving, he will tell me to leave his son behind.

DBM: This is a man you believe is in love with you, and wants to make you happy?

Rema: I thought so, but I’m beginning to doubt his love for me

DBM: How much time do you want to spend away from your daughter?

Rema: Not anymore David! My life is a mess now; my daughter’s words and tears keep hunting me

DBM: Do you think you made that decision to let go of your daughter out of fear, or for the sole purpose of attaining a deeply fulfilling relationship with your husband and his family?

Rema: The latter David. I believed my husband’s promises of a better tomorrow, my daughter inclusive. I had the assurance he was going to do something about it, and how he dearly loved her and would want the best for her as much as I did.

DBM: Is there room enough at their home to house your daughter?

Rema: Yes, four extra rooms are fully furnished

DBM: Most parents often would try interjecting themselves in the lives of their children for reasons best known to them. Is your husband financially independent and mature enough to function without his parents’ influence in his decision making?

Rema: Yes, financially but maturely, I doubt it. His entire life has been centered around them

DBM: Is there an established zone of privacy in your marital home?

Rema: No, not at all. I’m constantly reminded the home is theirs. I can’t even lock my bedroom door 😄

DBM: Oh wow! And in what instances do you feel the most loved by your husband?

Rema: I can’t say; I can’t even remember if there’s any. Yes, I realized I wasn’t my husband’s first choice for marriage, after giving birth to our son. The hurt from that alone is something I can’t describe. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t have pushed through with this marriage. If I was firm from the beginning with what I wanted, things wouldn’t have gone this far. I would have been a lot happier with my children without marriage.

DBM: Anytime I had denied a desire close to my heart, just to serve another purpose in my life – it only led to hurt. Do you have any regrets?

Rema: My biggest regret however is abandoning my child that I sacrificed so much for, just to stay married.

DBM: What priorities in your life right now are of importance to you?

Rema: My kids please. I don’t want to fail the both of them.

DBM: I see you to be a conscious woman and mother. I don’t think of you to be selfish because you are human with needs and desires. Choosing to start a family with your husband wasn’t a selfish act; you did owe it to yourself to want and pursue what you wanted. A woman who is happy with her love life can equally be happy being a mum

Rema: Thanks for your kind words. I could have done better, if I didn’t allow the fear of starting over creep in. I overlooked so many things just to be married. Those very things are my worst nightmares now. Moreover, I should have found myself before the commitment of marriage.

DBM: I am a little concerned only about the fact that, both your husband and his family knew that you were a single mother. Meaning, there was already a sense of responsibility on your part to your daughter. Why they thought it wise to suggest to you to let her go somewhere else is what is troubling me. Did they truly accept you for you?

Rema: I doubt they accepted me fully. The only conclusion I can come up with is the fact that, I was accepted because we are from the same tribe. Like I mentioned previously, their son wanted to marry someone from a different tribe but they rejected her. (I only found out after I married him). Because nothing makes sense to me. My daughter is not even allowed to spend her vacations with me.

DBM: I guess my last question would be, is your marriage worth all the sacrifices you’ve made?

Rema: A big NO. Funny to say this, but I think he doesn’t love me. Maybe he did before but not anymore

Image Credit: any Lane

Let’s Talk To Atticus

Written by David B on June 4, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 117: Atticus

DBM: Hi Atticus. How would you describe yourself?

Atticus: A man of choice

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atticus: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atticus: Sif

DBM: What does it mean?

Atticus: Sif is the name of my wife.

DBM: Oh, okay! How long have you been married?

Atticus: 45 years young

DBM: Congratulations!

Atticus: We put in the work, Dave. It wasn’t by luck.

DBM: Describe Sif

Atticus: My wife’s embrace is warm. She’s grown to build an equal, trusting and lasting relationship and connection with me; she’s organized, kind, honest, compassionate and a woman I trust. Sif is always taking very good care of herself and looks good at all times; she makes me her number one priority, not the kids, not her parents, not friends. My wife is intelligent and I’ve had the pleasure of engaging in deeper and more stimulating conversations for decades. My Sif is confident.

DBM: How did you meet?

Atticus: I used to work with her late cousin. We met at his funeral.

DBM: Did you go on a date?

Atticus: We did, and she ruined my afternoon. She came to cry and mourn her cousin with me all over again.

DBM: You mean after the funeral?

Atticus: Yes

DBM: How were you communicating back then?

Atticus: Face to face. We would agree to meet somewhere to talk and bond, and show up for each other

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Atticus: I knew on our first date, before she started to cry on me that she could be my life-mate. After we had spoken at the funeral grounds, she gave herself the permission to like me too, because she understood how I felt about her. When you allow yourself to have what you really want, you get it somehow.

DBM: Can you recount a challenging time or moment in your marriage?

Atticus: There was a point in my life where I started craving for validation, connection, affection and intimacy from another woman. I loved Sif, but I wanted a different experience with someone else. The one-time affair happened, and she caught wind of it. The challenge was when I had to tell her everything, including how I met the other woman, how many times we had sex, what the other lady could do to/for me that she wasn’t doing, etc. And because I refused to answer most of her questions, it added more strain to our marriage – forcing her to separate from me.

DBM: For how long?

Atticus: Three weeks, but I was lucky the love we shared worked out eventually in our favor. She forgave me when I started doing things to build her trust in me again. I haven’t made such a mistake since.

DBM: How did she find you out?

Atticus: She said it was a strong feeling she fought for days to ignore

DBM: Is forgiving a spouse a significant step to take for a marriage to work?

Atticus: It can be an option on the table, because not everyone can easily recover from say, an affair. Unfortunately, most of us pretend a lot when we’re chasing after love. Many after giving in to the chase only get to find out that everything they venerated about the other person was all for show. When I cheated on my wife, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t paying her any attention; It didn’t occur to me that I had taken her for granted all that while. It was like, anytime she attempted speaking to me about something, she was either nagging or whining. That was how I was feeling about her when I was looking outside my marriage. I couldn’t see beyond the fact that she was actually begging for my attention, and time together all that while I was busily offering the very same things to someone else.

My focus was rather hoping on the wish that my life could be more exciting like it was being promised from the other end. And so, I spent most of my free time developing feelings, plans and what to do to the other woman to have my needs met. I was only thinking of how I could get out of the house each time.

DBM: What kind of work was put into the pursuit to get your wife back?

Atticus: When she left with the children, it hit me that I probably was in the wrong. I knew how troublesome our kids were in their early years and couldn’t imagine letting their mother, my Sif, struggle with raising them all by herself.

DBM: You felt she couldn’t have on her own?

Atticus: She could have. Also, I was supporting financially but I know my children, they can be a handful. They can eat for the whole of Ghana. They can talk and scream and shout and fight for the whole world. They’re troublesome. Having a life outside my family couldn’t have painted the perfect picture of what the real costs would have been for a single mother.

DBM: You were thinking of all that?

Atticus: It was part of the work done, that I believe made me a better man. It wasn’t just to get my wife back – it was for my own good and future with my family. I had to change to want better for us. I’d say, we became inseparable and happier than we were before I cheated.

DBM: How long was this rough moment?

Atticus: 36, 37 years ago, I think

DBM: In your opinion, what is nourishing your marriage?

Atticus: A number of things: allowing myself to be influenced by my wife.

DBM: Please explain

Atticus: Let me use this recent example: I usually have gulfing plans outlined for most weekends. Sif knows this, but still insisted I drove her to a wedding event last week. My wife can drive but she didn’t want to sit behind the wheel that Saturday morning. I cancelled my plans to drive her around. I could have returned home but I decided to wait for her. While waiting, I met a former school mate I hadn’t seen since Mfantsipim School. He was also dropping his wife. We drove to Sky Bar 25 to catch up, and we’re now in touch. He was one of the coolest guys in our day. I gained a best friend back just because of saying ‘okay’ to my wife.

DBM: Makes sense

Atticus: We also appreciate the good in our marriage while letting the bad take a hike. I have respect for my wife and treat her better than I would treat anyone else in my life. The fact is, I will not give to a stranger while my wife lacks. We are kind to each other that way. I am always happy for her success and have been encouraging and supporting her growth in all aspects of her interests. She does same for me. We found shared interests and pursued it with all the fun that comes with it. This made us not grow apart. We’ve built a solid financial security net around us; she’s always in the known about any activity I’m involved in outside the house. Sif knows how much I love sex, and has created a comfortable environment for me at home to express my love for her through sex – anytime I want to be with her.

DBM: You have any advice to give?

Atticus: 45 years being married to the same woman is no joke. I’ve been deliberate with my every effort to enjoy my wife and the marriage. The bad many of us men see in our wives are often through our own lenses. I changed the way I perceived my Sif, 37 years ago, and she automatically became the queen of my heart, and every woman I needed to be happy. Change how you look at, and address things/people, and see how the things/people you look at, and address suddenly also changes to your admiration. In my case, I was the person who needed to change for the better in order to experience 45 years of a healthy marriage.

Image Credit: Steward Masweneng

Let’s Talk To Jina

Written by David B on June 2, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 116: Jina

DBM: Hello Jina. How would you describe yourself?

Jina: I live by a different set of core beliefs and that’s what is guiding my decisions

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jina: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Jina: My mother walked into a sensitive relationship with me, in the name of marriage. I was 17 years old. Just like my mother, when I dream of getting married, I am often imagining my relationship to be a happily ever after storyline. Divorce wouldn’t be a thought on my mind because I’d only want to thrive as my husband’s wife. Prior to her second marriage, she was in an unhappy situation with my father. Even I wished she could start all over without my dad, but mom stayed because of me. I’ve heard people say that it takes two people in a marriage to make it work, but I saw my mother as the only one doing things differently to keep the home together. Mum ensured she was her pleasant self every day, while my father found every reason to fight with her. My mother lost her energy to stay married. She died five years into her second marriage with my step father, who is currently my soul mate.

DBM: Your step father is your husband, you mean?

Jina: No, boyfriend

DBM: How old are you?

Jina: I’m in my mid-twenties

DBM: Is your relationship with zaddy public?

Jina: No

DBM: At what point did your step-dad become a love interest?

Jina: I am still mystified as to why of all the men in the world, I decided to fall in love with my late mother’s husband. He was mourning my mother, months after her burial and one day he looked at me and the attraction between us turned into something rather commanding and real, we were both comfortable with crossing that bridge over troubled waters.

DBM: Meaning?

Jina: We had sex. We were completely at ease around each other, the attraction could not be mistaken

DBM: Did he and your mother have kids?

Jina: No!

DBM: Has he any children of his own?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know you as their step-sister?

Jina: Yes

DBM: They know about you and their dad?

Jina: Not yet

DBM: What caused your mother’s death?

Jina: She suffered from a chronic lower respiratory disease

DBM: How would you describe your boyfriend?

Jina: He is a generous wave that carried my mother and me along with him

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Jina: Over year, four months and two weeks

DBM: You love him?

Jina: With all of my heart. He’s very down to earth and endearing. When my mother was alive, his unconditional acceptance of her was never based on anything special she had to do. He was fond of saying, mum was one of God’s beautiful gifts to him.

DBM: Awww! How do you understand love?

Jina: When I am able to let him live his life, and not do anything that would suggest I want to keep him only for myself.

DBM: Hmmm!

Jina: It’s crazy, I know! But it’s because I trust him, and we have so much in common

DBM: Was the feelings between you two mutual when your mother was alive?

Jina: There was nothing romantically inclined between us

DBM: Is this a relationship that could end up in marriage?

Jina: No. We’ve talked about it, and marriage is certainly out of the question

DBM: You don’t want to be married?

Jina: I do. But in our complicated situation, it wouldn’t be ideal. Just having him close by is good enough for me; especially knowing how much he cares about me

DBM: You’re certain you’re not confusing your own emotions, especially knowing how vulnerable you both are while going through the whole grieving process of the one woman you loved?

Jina: I loved my mother, and he loved his wife dearly. That love is still present in our hearts. I think what we’ve developed between us, in a way is a compliment also to my mother. The human heart is capable of limitless love and can or will make room for possible relationships in the future

DBM: In other words, you can love two people at the same time?

Jina: I believe so; though those two relationships will never be founded on the same level of depth and definitely not feel the same, one can still be happy pursuing love while making the most out of life. Sharing true love with someone you are capable of genuinely caring about is a healthy exercise for the soul

DBM: How long are you two planning on keeping your relationship under wraps?

Jina: We haven’t discussed into detail. We feel that people will quickly assume that’s what might have even killed my mother, but we both know that’s not the case. Also, we don’t want to overwhelm ourselves with the judgmental attitudes of naysayers

DBM: So, where do you draw the line between a secret relationship and a private one?

Jina: Dave, we recently buried his wife, my mother. We don’t want the outside world to know he’s been able to move on so quickly with me. Because truth is, we’re still mourning her in our own way. And we are not ready to compromise our relationship in the process of having to always explain why we happen to be dating all of a sudden.

DBM: How do you think your mother would be feeling in her grave – if she were to see what you two are up to?

Jina: The traditional priest representing my boyfriend’s family’s clan showed up at our house, unannounced, the night we first had sex. He asked us to pacify my mother at the graveyard with an egg, schnapps, a fowl and a plea. He covered us with leaves and doted spots to perform a sacred ritual as demanded by their custom to enable us to be together intimately

DBM: I see. How did he know you two were sleeping together?

Jina: That’s a question for the gods. We don’t know how but he showed up at our doorstep

DBM: Do you work?

Jina: Yes, I am a teacher

DBM: So, you’re not with him because of money?

Jina: To me, money is a make-believe commodity. In fact, I am the one that gives ‘sika’ the very power it has in my life. Dave, as long as I can feed myself, I’m good to go.

Image Credit: Jairo David-Arboleda

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