Blog – Page 15

Let’s Talk To July

Written by David B on July 25, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 145: July

DBM: Hello July. How would you describe yourself?

July: I exude confidence and will always speak in plain language

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

July: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

July: Trust

DBM: Okay!

July: I want to know what your opinion on trust is. My marriage lacks trust. My husband cannot be trusted, and I don’t feel comfortable believing his love for me

DBM: What has been your expectations of your husband?

July: I used to not have any. Now, I am constantly expecting the worst from him

DBM: Are you happy subjecting yourself to live this way?

July: No! It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. It’s stressful

DBM: What did your husband do?

July: Everything a man can do to destroy every last ounce of trust a woman has for her man

DBM: I’m sorry about that

July: It’s not your fault. I blame myself for believing he’s a good man

DBM: Has he ever been good to you?

July: Yes

DBM: Has he ever been true to you?

July: Yes

DBM: You used to trust in him, no?

July: I did, till he gave me a reason not to

DBM: How long have you been married?

July: Nine years

DBM: You have kids?

July: I do

DBM: What made you fall in love with him?

July: Right now, it’s hard for me to put the love I used to have for him into words

DBM: Why is that?

July: I don’t know why

DBM: What about your husband did you used to find attractive?

July: His patience. Confidence. His cynical sense of humor. He is/was the kindest man I knew. His opinions are loud and different. He is intelligent. An excellent father to our children.

DBM: How was he as a husband?

July: He was a good husband; he was always there when I needed him

DBM: Do you believe he loves you?

July: I used to, but I don’t anymore

DBM: Okay!

July: How do you understand trust?

DBM: I understand it in different ways

July: Which is the first?

DBM: I’m holding a glass and I let it fall. It breaks and cannot be patched to its original state or form

July: Trust is broken in this scenario

DBM: Exactly.

July: So, what do you do?

DBM: There are options: I can choose not to sweat over one broken glass

July: What if it’s a glass that meant something to me?

DBM: You can choose to gather the broken pieces to make an art design for your home.

July: What is your second understanding of it?

DBM: My phone falling on the ground and cracking its screen. That thin one-line crack

July: I have one on my phone

DBM: How did it come about?

July: My children were playing with it

DBM: Have you thrown the phone away?

July: No, it’s not totally damaged

DBM: You still can use it

July: I use it

DBM: You see everything on the screen?

July: I do

DBM: A man betraying your trust in him can also represent that same thin, one-line crack on your phone. It never means the phone is damaged. It doesn’t mean you should throw your phone away, knowing very well it’s usable.

July: What if the crack wasn’t a thin line, but a full screen crack to destroy the phone’s beauty and originality?

DBM: You have changed your phone’s screen before, no?

July: I used to. Now, I buy new phones when my screen is totally cracked. I throw the damaged one in the garbage

DBM: That is understandable, but you can equally get it fixed

July: Yeah

DBM: Somewhere, deep down inside, of every man is that spark to do right by people

July: Hmmm!

DBM: Again, the fact that you can get the broken phone screen fixed doesn’t necessarily mean you have to keep it in your life

July: It is nearly impossible for me to trust my husband. I don’t know if I can get back that glue that kept the bond intact.

DBM: What’s your fear now?

July: Giving him a second chance only to be hurt by him again

DBM: Have you ever made a mistake before?

July: Dave, a mistake would be having too many drinks at a friend’s party and waking up next to a naked man, lying next to my naked body. I can argue on the grounds of a mistake, if I cannot recall parts of the night out.

DBM: Agreed

July: He had the perfect opportunity to weigh up the option of him honoring a wife that loved him, and having an affair. He made a decision to choose one of his options. If you claim to love and care about me, you will not do something to hurt me

DBM: I concur

July: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You can forgive him

July: And then what?

DBM: Believe that he is capable of doing right by you

July: Is that the only option?

DBM: You can go your separate ways, still with love and forgiveness in your heart for him. There is beauty in walking away with grace and dignity.

July: Thank you for making time to chat with me.

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 144, Alistair, left a question for you: ‘If you could choose and have any man or woman in the world as your husband or wife, who would be your definite ‘hell yes,’ and why?’

July: Barack Hussein Obama II. He once said, he knows very well that at every corner, there is a lady more beautiful than his wife, but there is something about Michelle Robinson Obama that is beyond beautiful. Michelle was, and is his final choice to commit to intimately because she gives him the most satisfaction. He does not love her in this manner because they’re married, but because Michelle, as a woman, makes for a great choice.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

July: Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Let’s Talk To Alistair

Written by David B on July 23, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 144: Alistair

DBM: Hi. How would you describe yourself?

Alistair: I have figured out who I am. I know what I feel and I understand how I feel about my feelings.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Alistair: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Alistair: I am in love with an older woman. The age-gap is 19. I am in my mid-thirties. I am established, and so is she. She’s a widow and had been without a man for three years. She has four children. Her last child is in High School. She knows what she wants and has made me understand she’s interested in me too.

DBM: What are you looking for in this relationship?

Alistair: Everything she’s been offering me; sureness in attitudes is one. She’s a nurturer whenever she spots the cracks in my armor showing. She acknowledges my effort when I step up for her or her children. I love her random caresses and how we emotionally connect. She approves of me as her man and respects what I do for a living. She gives me space to recoup and stay in touch with myself; she builds my trust in her with every decision she makes. She’s fun to be with and does not take herself too seriously. She makes me feel loved through her actions, and I feel I can count on her. There is respect for one other. She reminds me daily, how good a man I am. She’s the kind of woman I want to settle down with, because her energy reflects on me positively. And it builds my self-esteem and self-confidence. Marrying her can be the opportunity to provide and protect her and her children.

DBM: Do you mind me asking her age?

Alistair: 55 but she doesn’t look her age

DBM: I see. What does a 55-year-old woman look like?

Alistair: Lol!

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Alistair: I’m a data scientist

DBM: How about her?

Alistair: She’s a Physician

DBM: Ideally, how would you want your relationship with her to progress?

Alistair: Into marriage. I want to start a family with her

DBM: You have kids of your own?

Alistair: No

DBM: Quality or quantity?

Alistair: I don’t understand

DBM: Which of the two would you go for?

Alistair: It depends

DBM: On what?

Alistair: The circumstances surrounding the question

DBM: Okay! Sex

Alistair: Quality and quantity

DBM: Time spent together

Alistair: Quality and quantity

DBM: But you know with her age, and being a mother and career woman, her schedule might be demanding?

Alistair: I know. I am considerate of her time

DBM: You understand she may not just be able to make plans on a whim just to be with you all the time?

Alistair: I know

DBM: Are you comfortable around her?

Alistair: I am always myself around her

DBM: The age-gap doesn’t bother you at all?

Alistair: I don’t think it does

DBM: Have you been in a relationship with a woman with children before?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: So, you have experience being around children?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: Grown children?

Alistair: No, not grown kids

DBM: How much time and involvement do you have with her children?

Alistair: We are not that close

DBM: But they know about you?

Alistair: Two of her children know I’m their mother’s friend

DBM: Their mother’s what type of friend?

Alistair: They don’t know much. I don’t want to be close to them this quickly

DBM: How long have you been dating your woman?

Alistair: Almost two years

DBM: Do you want to have kids of your own someday in the future?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: Does she want to have additional children herself?

Alistair: She does not

DBM: But she knows you want kids?

Alistair: She does but I’ve made it also sound as if I wouldn’t mind if I don’t have children of my own

DBM: Is having children of your own something you really want?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: So, why aren’t you being upfront about it with her?

Alistair: I don’t want it to become the tickling clock nagging our relationship

DBM: What makes you think the subject of children, can become an issue?

Alistair: She wouldn’t want to hold me back if I am to be serious about having my own kids. What we share is more important than my little desire

DBM: Wanting a child or creating a family of your own is not a little desire.

Alistair: I know

DBM: Are you open and honest with her?

Alistair: Not always, but I am sincere 85% of the time

DBM: What makes her stand out and not blend in?

Alistair: Oh, Efua is smart; I mean, very intelligent. She’s funny as hell. Very kind and giving. Overall, an astounding woman.

DBM: Had you always been attracted to older women?

Alistair: No. It just happened and so far, has been my best relationship yet. The age difference isn’t my problem. My only concern is how our families would accept us

DBM: How did you meet?

Alistair: We met at a party. I never would have known she was way older than me – if she hadn’t put that information across.

DBM: Participant 143, Oz, left a question for you: ‘What are you looking forward to the most in your old age?’

Alistair: I look forward to a full life and not dying soon in my old age. I look forward to the memories from all the good and bad experiences life could have offered me. I look forward to having a broader perspective on life and the joys to it. I look forward to exploring more of whatever I wish.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Alistair: If you could choose and have any man or woman in the world as your husband or wife, who would be your definite ‘hell yes,’ and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Let’s Talk To Wafaa and Oz

Written by David B on July 21, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 143a: Wafaa

Participant 143b: I want to go by Oz

DBM: Hello Wafaa and Oz. How would you describe yourselves?

Wafaa: Not my happy self

Oz: Husband and father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Oz: 5

Wafaa: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wafaa: I’ve asked my husband for a divorce but he’s not for it. My lawyer says I cannot unilaterally divorce him unless he grants me his consent for the divorce.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wafaa: We were 10 years in May

DBM: Sir, is this an out of the blue request from your wife?

Oz: No, I sensed it coming

DBM: How long ago?

Oz: About three years

DBM: Why do you want a divorce?

Wafaa: I think we’re both done with each other. Our marriage has been over since 2018. We don’t hate each other. We are actually good friends and will be wonderful co-parents.

DBM: Why don’t you want a divorce?

Oz: I have been suggesting we rather stay separated than divorced, at least, until our children are of age and leave home.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Wafaa: Two

Oz: 5- and 7-year-olds

DBM: Separation is ideal, no?

Wafaa: Separation will feel like I am still settled in the marriage. I want to be totally single so I can date someone nice. My husband is attracted to me. I don’t want to give him any false hope.

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Oz: Yes

DBM: Do you find your husband attractive?

Wafaa: He’s a fine man by all standards but no, I am not attracted to him in that way anymore

DBM: What kind of relationship are you hoping to pursue after your divorce?

Wafaa: A man I can be passionate about in every other way outside settling

DBM: As in, marriage?

Wafaa: Yes, and the whole living together thing. I want a relationship whereby we can meet up and have fun, and then go to our respective homes.

Oz: You can have that with me – if that’s what you’re looking for?

Wafaa: I am not in love with you anymore

DBM: How did it get to this?

Wafaa: It just happened. 10 years of trying. We’ve done our best.

DBM: What if your best combined is still not enough?

Wafaa: That’s the reason I want a divorce. Enough is enough! Dave, it came to a time at the mere sight of him, I wanted to report to work indefinitely on a weekend. And, I don’t go to work on weekends.

DBM: Was there a specific rough patch that happened in your marriage or there has been a persistent problem not dealt with?

Oz: I know we are cool and relate well. I don’t hate my wife

Wafaa: I don’t hate my husband

DBM: Is there respect in your relationship?

Wafaa: I respect my husband

Oz: I respect her

DBM: Are you able to freely talk about difficult issues in the marriage?

Oz: Yes

Wafaa: We talk about everything

DBM: So, what is making you want out of your marriage?

Wafaa: The love is no more

DBM: And is love alone what you believe can help you stick to your husband?

Wafaa: No

DBM: Prior to 2018, what had been sustaining your marriage?

Wafaa: Self-control, my commitment to him and emotional maturity

DBM: Is your husband the type willing to make an effort at your relationship?

Wafaa: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Wafaa: How do you also understand love?

DBM: Hmmm!

Oz: Dave

DBM: Yeah

Oz: How old are you?

DBM: 38, you?

Oz: 45

DBM: How old is your wife?

Oz: 42

Wafaa: I will be 43 years in September

Oz: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: I am

Oz: For how long?

DBM: Some years now

Wafaa: Why are you asking the young man personal questions?

Oz: I want to know what is making his relationship work. Are you always in love in your relationship?

DBM: No

Oz: What do you do when the love is no more?

DBM: I’ve realized that as a human being, I can fall in love with anyone, and it will take me no real effort to catch such feelings. I cherish what I have with my partner, reason why my relationship isn’t being built on what we feel or felt for each other. It’s taken us more than just love to stay interested in one another. When love is present to you when you need it the most, it’s expedient and saccharine to want to fall on just that.

Oz: Truth

DBM: When my love for my love is no more, it becomes my responsibility to make what we share meaningful to me in other ways. It’s never the responsibility of love to make me fall in love with love. Love is not all about what I feel for someone. You asked what love means to me; love is not about being in a relationship that loves me back. Love is not about being with someone, and then waiting for that magical feeling to happen to me to make things look perfect. It’s work, intentional communication and the both of us putting in the effort.

Wafaa: But I want more. Is it wrong to want more

Oz: ‘More’ meaning?

Wafaa: More than you. More than you can offer me at the moment

DBM: Do think you can find all that ‘more’ in one person?

Wafaa: No

Oz: Yes

DBM: Sir, is your wife the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Oz: No

Wafaa: No? Who else have you been with?

Oz: It’s all in the past.

Wafaa: No! This is news to me. You’ve been with other women?

Oz: I made bad decisions and learned from them

Wafaa: How many women have you been with?

Oz: Let’s not do this here, please

Wafaa: Oh wow! You’ve been cheating all this while?

Oz: I’m sorry

Wafaa: You’re sorry? Which people did you have the affairs with?

Oz: I don’t want to talk about this here

Wafaa: How long did it last?

Oz: It happened in the past

Wafaa: When?

Oz: It’s past

Wafaa: Where did it take place?

Oz: We’re not doing this here

Wafaa: Did you love them?

Oz: No!

Wafaa: And here I was cherishing the promise of fidelity. Men will stain your white

Oz: I’m sorry it happened but it’s over

Wafaa: I don’t give a fuck

DBM: Committing to one person is not an easy thing to do, especially when there are extremely beautiful and handsome, sexy and intelligent other people out there seeking our attention and grace. Some of us have had to develop ourselves emotionally to be able to stick to/with just the one we believe we can be content with.

Wafaa: I used to think like that too. Anyway, as I said before, I AM DONE

DBM: Participant 142, Uriel, left a question for you: ‘If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?’

Oz: I cheated on my wife

Wafaa: I cannot see myself riding through this wave of mixed feelings with the little confidence left in me. I do not love my husband anymore. I want a divorce

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wafaa: I’m out of here

Oz: What are you looking forward to the most in your old age?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Bolarinwa Olasunkanmi

Let’s Talk To Uriel

Written by David B on July 19, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 142: My name is Uriel

DBM: Hi Uriel. How would you describe yourself?

Uriel: I feel as if I can’t think clearly, and having a hard time deciding on something important

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uriel: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uriel: I have a girlfriend. I also have a wife. I love them equally. I found out the girlfriend is dating another man who is married. I’ve been doing everything to make her life comfortable so I feel cheated. How do I get over the hurt?

DBM: Describe your hurt

Uriel: It’s a roller-coaster of emotions. I still don’t understand why she’s seeing another man. I take care of her needs. Now, looking back, I remember the number of times she had to turn her phone over because of a text message she didn’t want me to see. The number of times she put her phone on silence; the different times she cancelled on me and didn’t want me to come over. Everything is adding up now

DBM: How long have you known her?

Uriel: A bit over two years.

DBM: What do you know about the other guy?

Uriel: Not much. But I know he’s also rented a different apartment for her

DBM: How did you find out about the other guy?

Uriel: Her friend told me. I know where she meets him too

DBM: Have you seen them together?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Have you questioned her?

Uriel: I have

DBM: What is her reason for entertaining the two of you?

Uriel: She says we bring different things to her life

DBM: What do you bring to her life?

Uriel: She says I give her good sex and make her feel important

DBM: The other guy brings what?

Uriel: Quality time and attention. She also says he’s generous towards her

DBM: Generous in which sense?

Uriel: With money

DBM: Are you kind to her?

Uriel: In every way imaginable

DBM: I see

Uriel: I still remain a fool for her love

DBM: Even after finding out you’re not her only guy?

Uriel: I guess the wool has yet to wear away before my eyes because I’m in love

DBM: What you share with this other lady isn’t just physical; you have actual feelings for her?

Uriel: I do

DBM: Do you use condom with her?

Uriel: Why would I use protection?

DBM: To demonstrate a sense cautiousness

Uriel: We’re clean, in the safe-zone

DBM: Are you concerned about the health and wellbeing of your wife?

Uriel: I am

DBM: Are you comfortable talking about your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: How would you describe her?

Uriel: She’s great in her own small way but I’ve realized one good woman is not enough

DBM: For you, you mean?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What influenced your decision to be with the other lady?

Uriel: I felt neglected by my wife

DBM: How so?

Uriel: I think she stopped finding me attractive along the line. Also, she’s a workaholic; comes home tired and the children take her remaining time. I haven’t been number one on her list of priorities since we had our first child. The other girl made me feel special and important

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Uriel: Three

DBM: All with your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: The other lady has any children?

Uriel: No

DBM: She works?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What else influenced your decision?

Uriel: She sings my praises in and after bed

DBM: During and after sex, you mean?

Uriel: Yes.

DBM: This remark is in reference to the other lady, no?

Uriel: Yes. The sexual routine I had with my wife changed inexplicably. She was coming up with one excuse after the other.

DBM: What could have been the real issue?

Uriel: I don’t know

DBM: Is she happy being married to you?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Does your wife know about this other woman?

Uriel: Not yet

DBM: What is the reason behind your inability to talk to your wife about your concerns, and or feelings?

Uriel: She’s dealing with a lot

DBM: Meaning?

Uriel: Work, family, school, etc.

DBM: So, her inability to make her life all about you isn’t intentional?

Uriel: No

DBM: I am asking this question as someone in your wife’s shoes. ‘Why couldn’t you communicate these issues with me first before resorting to cheating?’

Uriel: I didn’t want to come across as selfish

DBM: An affair can be easier to forgive if your wife at least, knows you are making attempts to prevent infecting her with a disease or getting the other woman pregnant.

Uriel: I am being careful

DBM: And in the process making your situation worse, no?

Uriel: I don’t think so.

DBM: Are you willing to work on your marriage to make it what you want it to be?

Uriel: I’m trying

DBM: Is the affair something you want to end?

Uriel: Not ready to end it yet.

DBM: Participant 141, Pike, left a question for you: ‘Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?’

Uriel: I keep my enemies in arms-length yet close, so I wouldn’t be paranoid about how they think and operate.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Uriel: If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Pike

Written by David B on July 11, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 141: Pike

DBM: Hello Pike. How would you describe yourself?

Pike: Married, father, and a banker

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pike: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pike: My wife’s close friends hate my guts. They didn’t like me before and after marrying their friend. I tried influencing her association with them for some time but she’s back in their circle again.

DBM: Why don’t you like them?

Pike: They’re toxic and immature, even though she says they have always had her back.

DBM: What does your wife make of your circle of friends?

Pike: She has no problem with my friends

DBM: She knows all of your friends?

Pike: No

DBM: She approves of all of your friends?

Pike: She doesn’t get to do that. Also, my friends positively impact my life

DBM: What are your expectations of her friendship with her girlfriends?

Pike: I have none. I just don’t want them around her. My wife has a good heart, but her friends are problematic – in my opinion.

DBM: Why do you think they also do not see eye-to-eye with you?

Pike: Because I speak the truth, and they are jealous of my wife

DBM: Jealous, how?

Pike: They want what she has

DBM: As in, you?

Pike: And everything else I bring to the table

DBM: How is it possible for someone to not like you, but want you at the same time?

Pike: It happens

DBM: What’s on the table at the moment?

Pike: Comfortable living, two homes, cars, financial security, beautiful marriage, etc.

DBM: You’re the full package, I guess?

Pike: I try

DBM: Have you tried seeing things from their perspective?

Pike: They don’t have a clear perspective

DBM: But you do of them?

Pike: I’ve dealt with such people before.

DBM: The people you’ve dealt with aren’t them

Pike: I know, but if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

DBM: Is it possible that you may simply be misunderstanding their thought processes?

Pike: Dave, these are very loud, vile and unmarried girls

DBM: How about the possibility of you seeing them in a negative light, simply because you may unconsciously be feeling insecure about your relationship with your wife?

Pike: That’s not the case, unfortunately. I just know they’re not good people

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves their company?

Pike: I don’t know Dave. I don’t know what she sees in them

DBM: How long have they known each other?

Pike: Since they were in school, I think.

DBM: On the average, is she choosing her friends over you?

Pike: No

DBM: Does she seem to care about your concerns about them?

Pike: I’ve told her

DBM: And?

Pike: She still keeps in touch with them.

DBM: What kind of compromise are you expecting of her to make?

Pike: I want her to simply end that friendship

DBM: What boundaries have you set thus far?

Pike: They’re not allowed to step foot in my house. Dave, these are ladies I don’t like

DBM: For reasons best known to you, no?

Pike: For reasons everyone knows; they are rude, and overall, bad influence on my wife. They date married men and make it seem cool.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pike: 11 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Pike: That’s a personal question. I choose not to answer

DBM: Have you tried engaging them to know what their individual interests are, or even just to endure them firsthand?

Pike: No

DBM: What then is the basis of your understanding of who they are?

Pike: I’ve heard the kinds of conversations they have with my wife. She’s usually on phone with them on loud speaker. I have also read some of their WhatsApp conversations

DBM: Your wife made you read them?

Pike: No

DBM: Why do you have and keep your circle of friends?

Pike: You already asked this question

DBM: I have?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Oh, okay! But what answer did you give to the question?

Pike: They a good influence on me, and I can trust them

DBM: What are your unique qualities?

Pike: I’m mature, kind, supportive, intelligent, passionate, hardworking, ambitious, friendly, thoughtful, reliable, caring and confident

DBM: The confident people I have ever come across do not seek to bring others down. They’re rather too busy working on their own territories. They’re also naturally, very open-minded and will tolerate whomever and their way of being. Nothing you do reflects or projects on them negatively. Do you see your wife to be confident?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Do you trust the mother of your children?

Pike: I do

DBM: Participant 140, Zoey, left a question for you: ‘What would you think if your woman spent more time on his looks than on you?’

Pike: It will bother me. I like some attention on me too. It’s a way to show how much my wife loves me. I love my wife very much, and so I find ways to show how much she means to me. One of the simplest ways I express this – is by paying attention to her and her needs.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pike: Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To Zoey

Written by David B on July 10, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 140: My name is Zoey

DBM: Hi Zoey. How would you describe yourself?

Zoey: African woman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zoey: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zoey: I am still finding it difficult to understand why in this day and age, it is a woman who has it so hard. I am dealing with my periods – the hormonal rise and fall, which influences numerous physical sensations and emotional shifts, which I experience for days before and after menstruation. The mood swings, those of us who bloat, get depressed, the fatigue, breast tenderness and the headaches – which sometimes would disrupt our daily routine. Dave, menstrual cramps sucks. I am always miserable during my period. Let me not even talk about pregnancy; the woman is feeling sick, tired and moody, and what is her husband thinking about? When he can have sex with you. I acknowledge that men go through their own struggles but sometimes, you guys are the reason why our marriages become overwhelming. My husband thinks I am not excited about him, but the truth is, I sometimes feel like I am dealing with everything on my own in this marriage, and this makes me feel isolated and resentful.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Zoey: Eight years, Dave. We have two kids

DBM: I see

Zoey: Society and men, indirectly put unrealistic expectations on how a woman should look like. Girls have to look pretty; such stereotype. Can you imagine my boss, a man, once walked to my office to suggest to me to wear ‘a little bit of make-up’? My husband had said same years back. Putting on make-up is too much work for me; it steals my time and it’s tiring to say the least. Why should I have stuff on my face before I am seen to be beautiful? Or in my boss’s words, ‘presentable to potential clients’. I mean, why?

DBM: It’s not down to your boss or husband to dictate your enhancing routine. It’s down to you

Zoey: I know, and I told my husband and boss the same thing, it’s my face. The same way I have no input on their decisions to build their bodies in the gym or ‘dress to kill’, I am in no way decorating my face to satisfy their curiosity.

DBM: Hmmm!

Zoey: Also, my husband thinks I don’t like having sex with him. Look, I respect the fact that his sexual desire is stronger than mine. With this knowledge in the backdrop, he’s supposed to SATISFY me during sex, so I can fall on the pleasure he brings me during sex – to increase my yearning for more. But no, man only wants to pound and last for 15 minutes or less, cum and then, sleep.

DBM: What feedback do you give him after sex?

Zoey: I tell him what he wants to hear

DBM: Like?

Zoey: Anything to make him feel he’s good in bed

DBM: And, is the ‘anything’ in this context the truth?

Zoey: No!

DBM: So, you’re the one enabling his mediocre performance

Zoey: I am not. A man is supposed to know what he’s supposed to do to make his woman feel fulfilled

DBM: But as a man, I would have preferred my partner rather being vocal and honest with me about how they truly feel during sex. How difficult is it for you to lovingly suggest what makes you happy or needs changing during intercourse?

Zoey: Men don’t listen

DBM: We do listen

Zoey: Not my husband.

DBM: Have you showed him how to please you? Because a real man, and husband would have a listening ear, and his aim would be only to please you. When it comes to sex, men work hard with the intention of pleasing. Because in our minds, if you’re satisfied, we will get the opportunity to repeat history all over again with you.

Zoey: Hmmm!

DBM: Your silence has consequences. The gaps he’s unable to fill also have its own consequences.

Zoey: I agree

DBM: Participant 139, Emmett, left a question for you: ‘Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?’

Zoey: No

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Zoey: What would you think if your man spent more time on his looks than on you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Heyy Kazz

Let’s Talk To Emmett

Written by David B on July 6, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 139: Emmett

DBM: Hello Emmett. How would you describe yourself?

Emmett: Competent

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Emmett: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Emmett: I did not show up at my own wedding. I hadn’t planned to do this but it happened, and a part of me till this day regret what I did to my woman and her family. Even my own family. It’s been 10 months since it happened and I want to get married to my fiancée all over again. I made a bad call and have apologized to her, but her family is not willing to let go.

DBM: Your fiancée has forgiven you?

Emmett: Not really but she’s admitted to still being in love with me

DBM: Why did you not show at your wedding?

Emmett: It’s a long story

DBM: I have time

Emmett: She had dated my cousin prior to us meeting. I found out about it the morning of our wedding. My cousin’s girlfriend had come across a conversation between them and it seemed like my cousin still is into her. She sent me screenshots and I blew the whole issue out of proportion. I should have confronted my woman but … Also, I considered going ahead with the wedding and then, divorcing her the next day or just sticking it out. But I couldn’t control my anger and tears. I asked my Best Man on our way to the church to pull over just so I could cry. I couldn’t go ahead with the wedding

DBM: Has she any feelings for your cousin?

Emmett: No

DBM: Why didn’t she tell you about him?

Emmett: She didn’t know we were related until a few days to our wedding

DBM: Do you know why they broke up?

Emmett: He had gotten a different woman pregnant

DBM: Do you trust your girlfriend?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Emmett: Not putting expectations on the one I care about dearly. Not assuming I know all there is to her. Not trying to change her into someone she’s not.

DBM: What was your relationship with her like?

Emmett: It was good, peaceful, committed, with a lot of compromise. We used to forgive each other freely. There was a lot of fun and laughter and happiness. We both made the effort. The feeling was great, energized and motivated by pure intentions. We had sex three times a week, and that made me very happy

DBM: What was your state of mind like, when you asked her to marry you?

Emmett: We had talked about settling down in marriage. We were excited about it and looking forward to making our relationship official. I was in a good place with us and myself, most importantly, when I proposed. I experienced what it meant to be a happy man because of her

DBM: How would you describe her character?

Emmett: She’s a better human being than I am

DBM: Have you spoken to your cousin?

Emmett: I have

DBM: What did he say?

Emmett: He explained why my woman ended things between them

DBM: He’s still into her?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: How does this make you feel?

Emmett: He told me, ‘May the better man win her over again’

DBM: Meaning?

Emmett: He’s broken up with his girlfriend to chase after my woman

DBM: Your family, how did they react to your decision?

Emmett: I don’t know how they feel about what happened but my mother still wants me to marry my woman. She believes she’s the one meant for me

DBM: Is she?

Emmett: She’s the woman for me, and the best relationship I’ve ever had. And it’s not because I want her for myself; what we share is about something way bigger; a beautiful life we can create together. Any man to be loved by her should count themselves, lucky

DBM: How did she react after what you did?

Emmett: She did not talk to me for weeks

DBM: Do you understand why her family wants nothing to do with you?

Emmett: Yes, but I will keep apologizing to them till they find it in themselves to forgive me

DBM: How did you two first meet?

Emmett: I met her in court. She had accompanied my client, her friend to her divorce proceeding. The client introduced us after her divorce hearing, and I think was trying to hook me up with her.

DBM: You’re a lawyer?

Emmett: I am

DBM: Can I ask a question or two, unrelated to our chat?

Emmett: Yes

DBM: Do most divorcing clients opt for your services with the intention of keeping their divorce proceedings cordial?

Emmett: Majority of my clients do hope for an amicable process with their spouse. But a large percentage of them come to me tremendously hurt at heart and emotionally triggered. I offer two approaches when it comes to the termination of a marriage, and the client achieving his or her expected results: the HARD way or the EASY way

DBM: To what extent are you willing to go to keep your client satisfied?

Emmett: Clients hire me specifically to do a job. I am therefore, required to legally and ethically do my job to the best of my ability – with just one goal in mind, accomplishing the expectations entrusted by the client.

DBM: If you’re to advise anyone considering a divorce, what would you say to them?

Emmett: What you are considering may be entirely different from what you’d eventually decide to do. Understand the divorce process by talking to people who have been through it; read online to have an idea about it. You need to have money saved to embark on this journey. Be mindful of what you say to the people around you. If you have children, know it’s going to impact them one way or the other. Be certain there is no love left in you for the other party. Divorce is just another phase of life. Life goes on, and you can love again afterwards. Just be patient and kind with yourself. Be interested in knowing how your attorney thinks, be interested in their behavior. You can choose to like or not, your attorney. But you have to trust and be confident in their services.

DBM: Participant 138, Hera, left a question for you: ‘You are being given the chance to make your one wish come true, what would it be?’

Emmett: To marry my fiancée and make peace with her family. She did nothing wrong. I made the decision not to wed because I wasn’t ready to forgive or know the truth. That also made me realize I wasn’t ready to be a husband.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Emmett: Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Dellon Thomas

Let’s Talk To Hera

Written by David B on July 3, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 138: Hera

DBM: Hi Hera. How would you describe yourself?

Hera: Troubled wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Hera: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Hera: My husband is excited about something that is obviously, pissing me off. And he’s acting as if he doesn’t see that I’m against his decision. He wants to leave his job to start a pig farm. He has a stable income, which combined with mine supports our household. But he wants to drop all that to farm pigs. Is this not a risky move?

DBM: Why does he want to go into farming?

Hera: He was raised in a farming family. I get all that, but does that mean he has to be a farm-boy? My husband holds an MSc in Finance and Financial Analytics and ACCA certification. We have two children in High School. Why isn’t he considering all that before quitting his job? Is this some mid-life crises men go through?

DBM: He’s just passionate about his love for farming. It has nothing to do with mid-life crises

Hera: We have a lot of financial commitments and responsibilities in our household. How about that?

DBM: You think he’s not thought through all that?

Hera: He clearly has not. I’m trying so hard not to get angry at him but he’s not making it easier. He was drafting his resignation letter some days ago. He is not ready to listen to my point of view.

DBM: A man’s dream is what would sometimes inspire him to wake up one morning to resign from his job, in order to push what he believes in. At the moment, you’re choosing to see only the negatives in his decision but he sees otherwise. He sees something positive in the negative decision he’s about taking at work.

Hera: I am his wife; what if I do not want him to quit his day job?

DBM: Does he enjoy his current job?

Hera: It pays the bills and keeps the home running and comfy

DBM: That wasn’t my question

Hera: He’s complained a few times in the past while in bed that his job makes him miserable, but he’s not a miserable man, Dave. Life is good

DBM: Are you okay being the one person in his life to be responsible for ‘killing’ his dream?

Hera: Pig farming is not a dream. It’s a hobby.

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Hera: I’m a Marketing Executive

DBM: What’s your take on entrepreneurship?

Hera: It’s not for me

DBM: I can respect that.

Hera: How do I talk sense into my husband?

DBM: Find out if he’s appropriately prepared and planned for himself and the family, before resigning from his job

Hera: I can answer that, he has not.

DBM: That is per your perspective. Maybe he has built or in the process of building a proper structure and system to fund his journey

Hera: Bra David, he has not. His plan is to depend on me to take up his responsibilities at home while he chases after his dream. What if the dream fails, then what?

DBM: Has he enough savings to fall back on?

Hera: We have something but that’s what he’s considering to use to start his project. I can foresee the end from the beginning

DBM: You’ve already cast his pursuit in a negative light. It’s discouraging

Hera: I can’t afford to suffer with my children at my age

DBM: There is a lot to love about pig farming. I used to help my dad on his pig farm, though I hated every bit of that experience. He’s an Economist by profession, and just like your husband, quit his job to go into full-time farming because that was what he was passionate about.

Hera: This marriage thing is not easy

DBM: Nothing in life is easy. It often takes four to five years for entrepreneurs to build a flourishing, maintainable business. It just doesn’t happen at a go

Hera: 4 to 5 years of hardship I cannot do. That’s what I’m trying to say

DBM: Talk to your husband

Hera: He does whatever he’s convinced to do

DBM: Has he any mentors in the farming business to shadow?

Hera: No

DBM: So, for you, everything is, no?

Hera: Because it’s a no.

DBM: How much money has he in the bank?

Hera: Close to 400, 000

DBM: Cedis?

Hera: Yes

DBM: Is this the savings you were talking about?

Hera: Part of it

DBM: Pig farming is capital intensive

Hera: That’s why I’m saying he’s going to fail at it because he lacks the capital.

DBM: How about suggesting to him to start a small-scale farming of the pigs as a side hustle, while he still has a job – to test the ground?

Hera: He is the type who wants to be present on the field to monitor everything. He finds it difficult trusting people. He would want to be on the farm himself

DBM: I am actually talking about a backyard something; small, convenient for him to take his time early mornings and evenings, or weekends to attend to

Hera: You know what pisses me off?

DBM: What?

Hera: He gets to have an affair in addition to all the problems he’s creating for our family

DBM: Let’s stick to the initial conversation, please!

Hera: I’m frustrated

DBM: I can feel that. Actually, come to think of it, you can kill two birds with a stone

Hera: How?

DBM: Allow your husband to be engaged in a different kind of ‘affair’, the pig farm. Encourage him to go after his dream on the side while he still works his day job. Motivate him to have a small-scale pig farm, either at home or somewhere else close by and fake your support in his dream. I see his fulltime job as his ‘marriage’ at this moment. Help him not to put your family at risk by encouraging a backyard affair. Are you understanding me?

Hera: I am

DBM: Be smart about it and protect your territory. Imaging serving yourself Fufu and groundnut soup with pork from your own backyard farm?

Hera: I will think about it.

DBM: I know friends who made similar mistakes, they quit their jobs before starting their dream businesses, and are regretting. Especially, those who were married and had children. It wasn’t easy for them. I’d rather start on a small scale while I still have a paying job to see whether or not the dream is viable and I can confidently persevere and enjoy while doing it as a full-time gig.

Hera: I agree.

DBM: Participant 137, Rhett, left a question for you: ‘Does everything in your life happen for a reason or you just find reasons after these things have happened?’

Hera: I believe everything happens for a reason. Well, with the exception of my husband quitting his damn job to go into pig farming. There is always something to gain from an experience. I’ve seen myself through painful and difficult situations that taught me very unpleasant lessons, but they were teachable moments, nonetheless. One door close, and there is a window somewhere else to throw me some light, no matter how small. I can survive anything while living for the moment.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Hera: You are being given the chance to make your one wish come true, what would it be?

Image Credit: Pew Nguyen

Let’s Talk To Rhett

Written by David B on July 2, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 137: Rhett representing

DBM: Hello Rhett. How would you describe yourself?

Rhett: Determined, well groomed, not proud, work-out a lot and always wanting to get better

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rhett: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rhett: I’ve been out of work for the past two years. I’m still putting in lots of applications. I want to get married to my girlfriend this year but her dad disapproves of me because I am unemployed. My woman is the most special lady, and she completes me in every sense. She believes in me and has been patient with me. She also wants to get married but her dad isn’t being encouraging.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Rhett: Over two years

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Rhett: She’s an Administrative Assistant

DBM: How old are you?

Rhett: 35

DBM: How old is she?

Rhett: 28

DBM: Why do you want to get married now?

Rhett: Marriage wasn’t part of my plans. I was usually with girls for the fun and short-lived affairs. I was dating and sleeping around a lot because I am my own exit strategy, but my woman changed all that when I fell in love with her. I want to settle down and experience what love feels like

DBM: Why were you sleeping around?

Rhett: Dave, men aren’t valued the same on the sexual marketplace. I wasn’t stable because I needed to know the different feedbacks from the ladies

DBM: You want to marry because you’re in love; is that what you’re saying?

Rhett: Precisely

DBM: That is the only reason?

Rhett: Well, loneliness sucks. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. My cousin, at the age of 59 was single and had no children. When he fell critically ill, he had no one by his side. He died a lonely death. I don’t want that for me

DBM: What you shouldn’t want for you is settling down in marriage because you’re tired of being alone.

Rhett: I’m only keeping it real here

DBM: Are you a happy man when you’re on your own?

Rhett: Nah, that’s why I want to do the right thing by getting married to the one woman who makes me very happy

DBM: Do you make your woman happy?

Rhett: I do

DBM: How do you do that?

Rhett: We have a lot of fun together. We also talk a lot too

DBM: Do you see yourself being happy without your woman?

Rhett: No

DBM: So, your happiness right now is determined by your relationship with your lady, and not because you know and value own yourself?

Rhett: She brings the best in me

DBM: Okay!

Rhett: I was happy when I was wild those years, but I am my happiest right this moment because I’m loved

DBM: Let’s fast forward to you getting married while being unemployed, how do you intend contributing to running your household?

Rhett: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. I fear dragging her down into the financial quagmire that I may encounter if I don’t get myself a job.

DBM: A friend’s wife left him for another man because he couldn’t pull his weight financially at home. And, my friend wasn’t even unemployed, he had a job; he just wasn’t earning much

Rhett: My woman is not earning that much

DBM: And most women wouldn’t be that comfortable with their men living off their paycheck for the long term.

Rhett: I want to marry her because she’s nine weeks pregnant

DBM: I wish in your responses, you had rather said, you’d want to marry her because you love who she is as a person. And that, she makes you laugh a lot and also, shares in your interests, etc.

Rhett: Yeah, and all that

DBM: I’m concerned. You don’t have a steady job, there is a baby on the way and you want to get married… Love does not pay the bills

Rhett: You sound like my father-in-law

DBM: You don’t have a father-in-law, you have a girlfriend’s father

Rhett: Still close

DBM: Smh!

Rhett: But it can be depressing

DBM: I can only imagine

Rhett: She’s been patient and my support every step of the way.

DBM: I pray you find a job sooner than later, because it can be exhausting for the women. Especially now that there is a child on the way, I hope situations doesn’t end up forcing her to become the involuntary breadwinner, struggling so hard to care for everyone and everything else in your household with one lone paycheck.

Rhett: Men do it all the time, and are expected to be strong and not complain nor cry. We are expected to ‘shush’ and forever be in control. A woman can also choose to be her man’s savior when he needs her to be.

DBM: I concur, and some ladies are doing just that

Rhett: Yeah! I’m only worried about her father’s negative influence on her after finding out about my employment status

DBM: Does he know his daughter is expecting a baby?

Rhett: We were to inform them the day we visited but the man turned the entire conversation to unemployment. He ruined everything for me

DBM: Do you know why I kept asking if you were happy with yourself?

Rhett: Why?

DBM: Because if you genuinely were, a conversation around unemployment wouldn’t have negatively affected you that way.

Rhett: That’s because you’re not in my shoes

DBM: Can I try to put myself in your shoes and address you the way I would have me?

Rhett: You can try but it wouldn’t mean anything though

DBM: As a man, I can confidently say I am very happy with who I am now. I love my girlfriend; I love the fact that we have a baby on the way. I am excited about getting married to the woman who makes me so happy. I love my future in-laws, even though my father-in-law, on some level is fucked up. I may be unemployed now, but the celebration of my current state is part of my reality, my truth. I might be in denial to some people, but I have chosen to be a happy man, thus, celebrating how far I have come – even if my in-laws disapprove of me, and I keep being rejected, interview after job interview, and I’m furious most of the time because I feel stagnant. This is me, all this… all that.

Rhett: Hmmm! I like that.

DBM: I understand it’s not easy, trust me. That is why I don’t live up to all those sharp and exaggerated concepts of masculinity encouraged on social media and by some men.

Rhett: Yeah!

DBM: Participant 136, Mamle, left a question for you: ‘How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?’

Rhett: Planning ahead gives me the basic outline for my day. I’m able to make good use of my time of day, and that adds value to my life.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Rhett: Does everything in your life happen for a reason or you just find reasons after these things have happened?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Mamle

Written by David B on June 30, 2023. Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 136: Mamle

DBM: Hi Mamle. How would you describe yourself?

Mamle: Radiant, scrumptious, gorgeous, fun to be with, hardworking, troublesome, peaceful, friendly and very active

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Mamle: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mamle: My boyfriend is on my case as we speak to agree to his request of recording us while having sex. I am not comfortable with it; I have made it known to him but he keeps giving me pressure.

DBM: Have you asked his reasons for such a request?

Mamle: He says our sex life is something he thinks about a lot because he cherishes it, and so, having it videoed for him to be watching it every now and then would add to the beauty of it. It’s a recording he claims would be viewed by just the two of us.

DBM: Would you want to have such a footage of yourself on phone?

Mamle: Never

DBM: So, tell him that

Mamle: I have, but he keeps bringing it up. He’s been sending me recordings of him masturbating, etc.

DBM: What do you do with such videos?

Mamle: I watch them, and keep it on my phone.

DBM: Why?

Mamle: It turns me on sometimes

DBM: And, you give him such feedback?

Mamle: I do. It excites me in so many ways. And these random moments are build-ups to us meeting and having sex on the regular. I appreciate it when he sends me videos of himself doing things. I don’t ask for them, he sends them my way voluntarily

DBM: Have you also captured yourself on camera doing things for him?

Mamle: No. I don’t trust the internet

DBM: Imagine your sex tape with him becoming available publicly?

Mamle: That is what I cannot imagine.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Mamle: 4 years

DBM: What is the end goal?

Mamle: To make a lifetime commitment together

DBM: In marriage?

Mamle: Yes

DBM: How old are you?

Mamle: 33

DBM: Him?

Mamle: 36

DBM: What’s his profession?

Mamle: He’s an Accountant

DBM: You?

Mamle: A nurse

DBM: I see

Mamle: A part of me wants to give in because it’s something that I know would make him very happy

DBM: Why is a part of him not willing to respect your discomfort?

Mamle: I also don’t understand

DBM: I know a lot of women who couldn’t overcome the temptation of compromising themselves, all because a reward of love was put on the table. Question is, is he worth risking the unknown?

Mamle: I love him and he loves me too

DBM: Do you trust him?

Mamle: I do

DBM: How do you measure your trust in/for him?

Mamle: I don’t understand the question

DBM: Let’s assume your relationship suddenly ends on a bad note, would your mind be at peace knowing he’s got your nudes and videos on his phone – and that, you trust it wouldn’t be all over the internet?

Mamle: No

DBM: Okay!

Mamle: But how about we record it, and then delete it a few days after watching it?

DBM: How about you film it alright, but then his phone or yours gets stolen the next morning?

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: The lust I know in men knows no boundaries

Mamle: He will be cautious; I know my boyfriend

DBM: Good luck with that

Mamle: He’s not the type of guy to be making unnecessary demands of me. This is his first serious request and I don’t want him to feel like I don’t trust or denying him. Moreover, you are the same people always preaching compromise in relationships on your platforms. Isn’t it the same?

DBM: I believe in compromising, but to some extent. I will not compromise too much to the extent of losing myself. It’s never okay to overcompensate, simply because it makes the other person happy.

Mamle: I understand

DBM: Do you feel like already, you’re giving away more than you should of yourself – all in the name of love?

Mamle: I don’t know

DBM: If you’ve ever been cautioned intuitively about certain things you’re doing in the relationship, simply because it’s what your boyfriend wants or is pleased with; if deep down it feels like a red flag to you, then please don’t be sweeping it under the carpet that easily

Mamle: I’ve heard you. Dave, my second problem is, I do not know for sure if he’s going to marry me.

DBM: Have you brought the marriage conversation up with him?

Mamle: Many times

DBM: And?

Mamle: He is not ready to get married

DBM: Are you?

Mamle: I’ve been ready for a long time

DBM: Why is he not ready?

Mamle: I don’t know. He says he will marry me at the right time

DBM: How do you know you’re ready to marry your boyfriend?

Mamle: I love him, and I don’t want to remain single for so long

DBM: But you’re not single

Mamle: I’m unmarried, so still single

DBM: I see. Has he a timeline he’s working with to marry you?

Mamle: Not that I know of

DBM: So, sit him down and create a time-table that would work for the both of you.

Mamle: Would that not be putting pressure on him?

DBM: It’s all about coming to a compromise to plan your future with him. It’s not about you insisting, but discussing the next step within a favorable time-frame together

Mamle: And what if he’s still indecisive about marriage?

DBM: There was a point in my life, I could genuinely love someone, but at the same time desire and want something totally different – that did not include the one person I loved in the picture. I can be in love with you, and still not be the best choice of a spouse for you. You know that, no?

Mamle: He’s all I know

DBM: There’s more to know

Mamle: Hmmm!

DBM: Participant 135, Chibueze, left a question for you: ‘If you had to be in a long-term relationship for two years without your spouse’s physical presence, would you remain faithful?’

Mamle: This is a hard one. Distance can impact my emotional connection with someone I love. It can make me feel neglected, even though we might be communicating on phone. And if the neglected me is to meet someone close-by I connect with, it will eventually start to feel like I have someone in my life. My intention may not be to have an affair but I may end up having an affair.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Mamle: How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Letticia Massari

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