Let’s Talk To Hilda
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 161: Hilda
DBM: Hello Hilda. How would you describe yourself?
Hilda: Daddy’s adorable princess
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Hilda: Five
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Hilda: My father’s blood has been clotting for the past months, and he’s also suffering from stroke. He cannot move his right hand and leg; he cannot eat or swallow food. Even his speech is affected. He cannot see properly; he doesn’t seem to also remember a number of things. He is only 66 years old. My mother is refusing to take care of him. They had a rough patch in their marriage and my mother is using their past to punish him.
DBM: Are they still married?
Hilda: Legally, yes.
DBM: Is there a ‘no’ in the other forms of ‘lly’s’?
Hilda: Traditionally, my mother’s family returned my father’s drinks to annul their marriage
DBM: So, they’re divorced?
Hilda: The court hasn’t pronounced them divorced yet. Neither of them was willing to proceed in court.
DBM: Describe the severity of their ‘rough patch’
Hilda: My father was involved in some affairs, and he packed out of his matrimonial home to move in with one of his women. They were together for 12 years
DBM: ‘Were together?’
Hilda: She was cheating on him too
DBM: ‘On him too’, meaning what?
Hilda: My dad was cheating on her with another woman.
DBM: Let me get this right, your father cheated on your mother with this woman he moved in with for 12 years, and was cheating on her too with another?
Hilda: Yes
DBM: A lot of married women get bored in their bedrooms. Especially those in great marriages, who had known more than one man intimately – prior to marriage. They equally do miss the rush and the thought of being excited in an intense emotional and sexual connection with an attractive man. Most men think they’re the only species moved by what they see. Many women will go after what attracts them too. The only motivation needed is the right challenge to be thrown. A woman’s libido is as alive and kicking, and very enthusiastic about feeling satisfied as much as that of men.
Hilda: My dad messed up, we all know that
DBM: But does he know he messed up?
Hilda: He does now
DBM: You mean to say, it had to take his paralysis and sensory impairment to bring him to his knees, no?
Hilda: Hmmm!
DBM: What happened after your father found out he wasn’t the only smart douchebag in the equation?
Hilda: He sacked her from his house
DBM: They had kids?
Hilda: Yes. I have three half-siblings
DBM: Where are they?
Hilda: They’re with their mother
DBM: How many siblings do you have from your mother’s side?
Hilda: One. A brother
DBM: Where is he?
Hilda: He lives in Tema, with his family
DBM: Are you married?
Hilda: Yes, with children
DBM: I have a clearer background now. What do you want from your mother again?
Hilda: My brother and I have decided it’s the right thing to do for my mother to take care of my father
DBM: Because of what?
Hilda: Legally, he’s still her husband
DBM: In what world? Your father spent 12 years with another woman, and even procreated with her. Didn’t your mother also move on with her life?
Hilda: She’s always believed she was still married to him
DBM: So, she didn’t date or get married?
Hilda: She remained single
DBM: Do you know why she chose not to move on?
Hilda: Yes. He was her true love. She also believed he would eventually come back to her
DBM: With his inability to localize his body parts? Anyways, why aren’t you welcoming your own father under your roof?
Hilda: It’s a huge responsibility. I already have a lot on my plate
DBM: Like?
Hilda: A husband, my children and work. It’s a lot to ask for
DBM: And you think your mother wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, taking care of him?
Hilda: She can do it
DBM: How do you know?
Hilda: I know my mother
DBM: Would you take your husband back to nurse him, if he had treated you the same way your father did your mother?
Hilda: I don’t know, maybe.
DBM: Or maybe not. You know why? Because any man worthy of your love will be unstinting with R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And no woman should be spelling this out to a man.
Hilda: As Christians, I do not think my mother should pay back evil with evil
DBM: If your mother’s peace of mind distracts you from seeing the GOD in her, then you were never good a daughter to her.
Hilda: What makes you think that?
DBM: Because you want to shove your father down her throat
Hilda: My father needs the people he loves around him in these critical moments
DBM: That’s why you and your brother are there, no?
Hilda: We cannot take up this responsibility
DBM: Send him to any one of his other women
Hilda: I’m not sure they would take him in his present state
DBM: Hire a caregiver then. You and your brother can afford such service, no?
Hilda: We can, but our mother would do a better job at loving and caring for him
DBM: Is your mother deserving of something good?
Hilda: Yes
DBM: Then find another alternative to figure help for your father. He is not a pleasant presence to uphold in your mother’s sight.
Hilda: How about forgiveness?
DBM: Forgiveness doesn’t mean you should deny the hurt. It doesn’t mean your father should be let off the hook. You are conveniently explaining away your mother’s hurt, and I find that rather unfortunate and disrespectful. Your mother has the right to want to choose your father in his very vulnerable state. It’s her choice
Hilda: I know
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant
Hilda: Do you prefer a thoughtful balance of invigorating honesty, or a lenient little white lie would suffice?
DBM: Okay! Thank you!
Image Credit: Charlotte May
