Let’s Talk To Sipho and Annika

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 149a: Sipho

Participant 149b: My name is Annika

DBM: Hello Sipho and Annika. How would you describe yourselves?

Sipho: A very sensual man

Annika: Blindly loyal to those I love and care about

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sipho: 9.5

Annika: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sipho: Me and my wife have been married for 17 years. We separated when we clocked the seventh year, and almost divorced on our 10th anniversary. The emotional connection was no longer there on her part, and I wasn’t getting sex from home. In fact, she wasn’t giving me any sex, so I had to get it from somewhere else. Our children became her priority, and I felt neglected and was ready to equally throw in the towel. I asked her one day if she wanted a divorce and she said no.

DBM: Why did you say no?

Annika: I took responsibility for my part in the failure of our relationship. I think that was what reformed the entire dynamic of our marriage.

DBM: What made you take this decision?

Annika: One of us had to change, and I was the unhappy spouse. I felt no one else could save my marriage but me.

DBM: Sir, did you want the marriage as at that time?

Sipho: Very much. We did not set out on this journey to be unhappy. Our marriage used to be so much fun when we used to agree with each other.

DBM: Mrs. what did you think you were doing wrong?

Annika: The way I talked to him, sometimes was bad. I blamed him a lot for so many things, it turned us away from each other. I had to learn how to turn towards him with a good attitude.

DBM: Before she stopped giving you sex to make you want it somewhere else, had you been cheating on your wife?

Sipho: No

DBM: How important is sex in your marriage?

Sipho: What my wife couldn’t understand was that, I always wanted to have sex with her because I love her. It wasn’t just about sex. She cuddles for hours and fall asleep in my arms, and that, is love, and should be enough in her opinion. Not that I don’t like cuddling; I love to cuddle. A cuddle that leads to sex is love for me. I would touch her in a certain way, and suddenly would be too tired to follow through. My wife could have a headache for a week, all because she knew I wanted to have sex with her. I would touch her in the evenings and, ‘not tonight’ automatically comes out of her mouth. She was never ready for me when I was ready.

DBM: Was she at any given time initiating sex with you for a change?

Sipho: No

DBM: Why were you withholding sex from your husband?

Annika: I was hurt. Many of the times he wanted to be intimate with me, I was so upset with him to even imagine him touching me.

DBM: Do you think you want sex with your husband as much as he wants to be intimate with you?

Annika: Of course

DBM: How often do you have sex now in a week?

Annika: Almost the whole week

Sipho: Twice a week

DBM: Lol!

Annika: Twice, you say?

Sipho: Yes. Last week, we did it on Monday and Thursday. Have you forgotten?

DBM: Interesting 😊

Annika: It seemed more than that to me

DBM: You two are actually making me realize, men and women view the whole sex-frequency thing differently. Twice a week feels like seven days a week to you, while twice means just two times in a week for him. I want to know something: what does sex mean to you, individually?

Sipho: Dave, you really want to know?

DBM: Yes please

Sipho: If I see a towel wrapped around my wife, erection springs. If my hand accidentally brushes her butt, my penis is provoked. So, you can imagine what happens in my body when I see her come out of the shower naked?

DBM: Yes

Annika: Lol! That’s all you guys know

Sipho: It’s an appetite; a special kind of food I want to eat every day. I get hungry if I’m not fed sex. That is my finest way of connecting with my wife. It’s my love language. If I am to get the kind of sex I want with my wife, home will feel like home to me. I feel and experience true love through sex, regular sex I mean. Ask any man, and he will tell you something similar.

DBM: Mrs. it’s your turn

Annika: What you’re not also understanding from my part is, love isn’t always bodily measured. Sex is important to me too

Sipho: We went out on a date to celebrate our wedding anniversary. At the restaurant, I passed a lingerie under the table and signaled her to go change into it at the ladies’, my wife laughed and just put it in her purse.

Annika: Why would a woman my age do that? All you guys think about is sex

Sipho: Babes, all I think about is you. You matter to me

Annika: You matter to me too

Sipho: What do you want me to do to make you want me?

Annika: Nothing. I want you

DBM: Someone once told me,  ‘a cherished woman during the day is a cherished woman at night. If you truly make her feel supported, valued, respected, helped, she will show her value to you in ways that would please you too.’

Annika: Thank you!

Sipho: I know I try

Annika: I know you do

DBM: Participant 148, Reuben, left a question for you: ‘Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?’

Annika: We have dogs and cats. If they could talk, I’d probably be their mummy. They love me and I love them too.

Sipho: I have a busy life, due to that, I easily get distracted, but I am close to my pets. They will tell you I am a good friend.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Annika: My question is for you, Dave. I know you’re not a participant, but I want to know which church you fellowship with?

DBM:  I church online with The Maker’s House Chapel International

Annika: What sets them apart?

DBM: The church’s culture is love. Their structures work. They provide hope for the future. Their leadership lead with love. They are selfless and down to earth. The sermons preached are practical ways for one to live by faith. Last but not least, their music ministration and worship is to die for.

Sipho: My question to the next participant is, how do you evaluate success?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Reuben George

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 148: Reuben George

DBM: Hi Reuben. How would you describe yourself?

Reuben: I’ve been hitting rock bottom lately. Mood swings and all, etc.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Reuben: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Reuben: I feel like I am failing as a husband and father. Before I got married, this was one of the roles I wanted to play and give it my best. Now, everything around me feels overwhelmingly difficult, and beyond my capacity.

DBM: Do you think you are not built to be a great husband?

Reuben: I can be a great husband to my wife

DBM: Are you built to be a wonderful father to your children?

Reuben: I am

DBM: What makes you think you’re failing at these roles?

Reuben: The look in my wife’s eyes when I am unable to give her something she needs. When I watch my kids cry and run to their mother for something I could not provide them. The remarks of my mother-in-law sometimes, also breaks my wings. The wives of some of our close friends also give me the unneeded attitude when I hang out with their husbands.

DBM: How is your mother-in-law involved in your personal stuff?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to her for help

DBM: What kind of help?

Reuben: Financial assistance

DBM: How are the wives of some of your close friends involved in your family matters?

Reuben: My wife sometimes goes to them for loans

DBM: The loans are paid back eventually, no?

Reuben: Yes, I make sure they’re all paid

DBM: So, their negative energy is because of what?

Reuben: They think I’m not man enough to keep my home together

DBM: Is your home falling apart?

Reuben: I don’t have money to run my home the way I want to

DBM: Do you work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You mind me asking what your profession is?

Reuben: I’m a banker

DBM: How long have you been married?

Reuben: Nine years

DBM: Does your wife work?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: Hmmm!

Reuben: Dave, it’s like my value is now measurable in the eyes of my wife and others

DBM: A woman will do many things that would make her happy in her lifetime. Being with an emotionally broken husband shouldn’t be one of those things on her bucket list

Reuben: Smh!

DBM: If someone who isn’t my partner is to assume on me that I am failing as a husband or father, I definitely would limit my time with such a person.

Reuben: But they are the same people who help us in times of need

DBM: In other words, you prefer encouraging their toxicity in your heart and marriage?

Reuben: No

DBM: When I asked you to measure your level of happiness, you gave the number four, why?

Reuben: I’m not fulfilled

DBM: And, what would be fulfilling?

Reuben: A comfortable life for me and my family

DBM: If you’re not getting the kind of love and respect you think you deserve, I would suggest you start looking from within you, and addressing whatever is making you not measure up to your own self first. I think that is what is currently not in alignment with the kind of relationship you wish to attract.

Reuben: I don’t get you

DBM: I walk every morning for over two and a half hours before starting my day. One time, there was this sharp stone lodging in my sneakers while I walked, and it was kind of, hurting my foot. Imagine walking with such pain in the foot and greeting or conversing with other people exercising on your route. Where do you think your main focus would be drawn to when you are to meet me and I engage in a conversation with you?

Reuben: The pain in my shoe

DBM: When I finally managed to take out the sharp stone from my sneaker, guess what?

Reuben: You were able to focus on everything else

DBM:  I know you feel money is your problem right now. I acknowledge that. I mean, I cannot pay my bills with smiles and words. I cannot buy food with a ‘good mood’ or promise. I need money to do all these purchases, but money is just a medium. A medium to acquire resources. Actually, in certain instances, it’s the resources that matter, and money cannot always be the only way to acquire them. Many of us have been in similar situations; there was a time in my life I was troubled and felt like a failure because almost all of my mates and friends were getting married and starting their families. It felt like everyone else I knew was progressing in life but me. I thought my issue was not finding the right opportunities and also, not making enough money. But the real issues were my unresolved emotional baggage I carried underneath my excuses. They were discoloring my interactions with people

Reuben: I know I have personal issues to deal with

DBM: This life has so much beauty in it. You are surrounded by one of such already, a wife and children, waiting on you to enjoy the moment with them

Reuben: Money to get them what they ask for could also do the trick

DBM: Money will buy them the things that will make them happy, but money is not happiness. At least, from my point of view. A friend I usually walk with in the mornings presented an interesting analogy to me a few days ago. He asked me how I would feel if someone gifted me $10, 000, 000. I quickly jumped in and said I would take it in a heartbeat. Then he asked what I would do if that same gift was offered me, but with a condition to die after one month. Would you still take the money?

Reuben: No

DBM: Why?

Reuben: Life is sweet

DBM: With or without the needed cashflow, no?

Reuben: Yes

DBM: You are even blessed; you have a job. I know many guys with families who are unemployed, and are relying on the mercies and understanding of their wives to hold the forte at home while they job hunt. You need to build your self-worth so you can be strong enough to survive emotionally. Being kind, patient and encouraging to your own self is a standard you can set, so others can emulate when dealing with you.

Reuben: Thanks

DBM: The husband role, in itself is a huge responsibility that can easily become overwhelming by all the expectations associated with it. No husband is perfect, and so your wife should not be expecting you to be perfect all the time. You cannot give what you know you do not have

Reuben: True

DBM: Participant 147, Ayele, left a question for you: ‘What teacher in school made the most impact on you, and why?’

Reuben: His name was Mr. Jackson. Aside his classroom responsibilities, he took the time to get to know me, and helped me to learn and grow from the years I was in Senior High School. I almost considered becoming a teacher myself.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Reuben: Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Keira Burton

Let’s Talk To Ayele

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 147: Ayele is my name

DBM: Hello Ayele. How would you describe yourself?

Ayele: I am simply a Christian. I am a mother, wife and modestly serving the people of God.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ayele: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ayele: I feel very bad doing this but it’s also troubling me. I am married to a gifted man of God. I will not reduce the call on his life just to make a point. My husband is a gifted Prophet of God, but I feel like his priorities are all over the place. He loves the spotlight. He loves to be complimented. He wants to be recognized. He loves the money he is making from his calling. But does he live his private life according to the Word of God? No! Does he really read the Bible and know or understand what it says about some of the things he’s doing in secret? No! Is he the shepherd of our family? No! He would rather please outsiders he benefits financially from, than to please his own wife or make time for his children. I hate to bring all these things up but my husband is very arrogant. He is not humble; he is not a giver. If he’s giving to help someone, it’s because it’s for the show of it, indirectly to get financiers to donate money to his ministry. In other words, he pretends to give to make money at the end. He is very selfish and would make everything about him. It’s been the hardest job to ever take on as his wife

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ayele: 19 years

DBM: Okay!

Ayele: He is doing really bad stuff, and I am unable to say anything. I’m striving to be a good woman of God

DBM: Can you elaborate on the bad stuff?

Ayele: Misuse of church funds. He is very dishonest and a cheat. He takes advantage of vulnerable women seeking his guidance

DBM: Is he a responsible husband and father?

Ayele: He makes a lot of money, and so the finances of the home are always taken care of. My husband doesn’t have time for me. Other people have his time, not me

DBM: When was the last time you said a prayer for your husband?

Ayele: I don’t remember

DBM: Do you pray?

Ayele: I do

DBM: What do you usually pray about?

Ayele: I pray for my children and their future. I pray for myself and my parents and siblings. I pray for the vulnerable congregation at our church who are so trusting of my husband’s antics.

DBM: Did you know all this about him before marrying him?

Ayele: No

DBM: Why did you marry him?

Ayele: Because he asked me to marry him

DBM: Did you want to marry him?

Ayele: I am not sure I did

DBM: So, why did you go ahead with it?

Ayele: He can be very persuasive. He told me I am the woman for him

DBM: But was he the man for you?

Ayele: He wasn’t my type

DBM: Were you single, as at the time he expressed interest in you?

Ayele: Yes

DBM: What specifically did you like about him?

Ayele: I liked his church, and the way he used to preach.

DBM: What has changed?

Ayele: I’ve come to really know his true character, and it’s not pretty from the inside

DBM: Understood

Ayele: Do you think God loves him?

DBM: The kind of love I’ve come to experience from, and understand about GOD is not based on how good or bad one is. You have children, no?

Ayele: I do

DBM: What’s the name of your son?

Ayele: Nana

DBM: Why do you love Nana?

Ayele: Because he’s my child

DBM: So, you love him unconditionally?

Ayele: To some extent, yes.

DBM: You do not love Nana, because he is a good student in school. You do not love Nana, because he is handsome. You do not love Nana, because he is a respectful child.

Ayele: No

DBM: Else, it would be horrifying, no? Imagine him failing in science, or him disfiguring his face or body due to an accident. Imagine him suddenly, becoming stubborn and rude, etc. You get my point?

Ayele: Yes

DBM: Your husband is a child of GOD, if he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. And, GOD being our heavenly Father, loves him way better than he would ever know how to even love his own children with you. We all sin against GOD in different ways, yet we’re awake this morning. It’s just by the mercy of GOD that we all get to live whichever way we are living our lives. The compassion of GOD is at work on behalf of your husband. GOD is having pity on him, every day as he continues to do what you describe as ‘off’. GOD has not given up on your husband because He sees beyond what your eyes can see. Probably, your husband has the potential to be a better human being someday in the future. Your kids are not perfect, are they?

Ayele: No, they’re not

DBM: They lie, they steal, they fight, etc.

Ayele: Yes

DBM: As humans, we all have the ability within to sin, and GOD knows this

Ayele: Hmmm!

DBM: Your husband will figure himself out at the right time. GOD does not love him because he’s doing something right or wrong. He just loves him because GOD is love. Just keep trusting GOD. He will come through for you and your family.

Ayele: Amen!

DBM: Just as you and your husband agreed to marry (for whatever reason, best known to the both of you), prayed for the gift of the womb, and now have children you loved before they were even born. Have you even thought about it; you loved your children way before you considered the kind of names to give them – when they were born. You loved your son Nana, before you knew what he was going to even look like. GOD’s love for us is deep eh!

Ayele: I am smiling

DBM: Why are you smiling?

Ayele: I don’t know how to explain it, but you’re making a lot of sense.

DBM: GOD will bring your husband to his knees. Just leave him to GOD, and do right by yourself, family and GOD.

Ayele: Yes sir. Dave, I think you can be a preacher, a really good one.

DBM: Thank you! Well, I’ve come to that point in my life now – where I know the call upon my very existence. I’m taking my relationship with GOD very seriously, and have decided to give all that is within me to Him, and Him alone. You can follow my ministry  https://audiomack.com/davidbondze

I am recording an 18-track Gospel Album to bless any heart willing to be blessed. I am strictly going to talk about my understanding of the love of GOD, from my own personal experience with Him. Every month, I will release an original song GOD has blessed me with, to be a blessing unto anyone seeking encouragement in the Lord.

Ayele: Okay!

DBM: Participant 146, Sono, left a question for you: ‘what do you know or have heard about David Bondze-Mbir, and why do you follow him on Facebook?’

Ayele: I follow you because I love how organized your Facebook platform is; very mature and engaging. I also love to read about other people’s experiences in marriages when they share them with you.

DBM: Oh, okay! The question also says, ‘what do you know or have heard about me’

Ayele: I’ve heard two things that I don’t know whether they’re true or false.

DBM: You mind sharing?

Ayele: I heard you’re Gay

DBM: I see

Ayele: Are you Gay?

DBM: I am a human being without societal labels

Ayele: What does that mean?

DBM: It means I do not subscribe to people’s interpretations of what they think of me

Ayele: Does it not bother you?

DBM: No! I live a very happy and fulfilled life. GOD has been good to me. We all make assumptions of people, whether true or not. I give room to people who choose to single me out as a person, and monitor me more closely. It’s a healthy exercise for their time.

Ayele: The second rumor I’ve heard is that, you sleep with some of the married women who come to your inbox to share their marital issues.

DBM: I have never slept with any married woman in my life

Ayele: How about the single women you chat with in your inbox?

DBM: I have never slept with any of the ladies who have approached me on social media to share their problems with me.

Ayele: How about those who approach you in person?

DBM; I am naturally not an outgoing person, so I hardly would meet random people – for whatever reason.

Ayele: Okay!

DBM: Anymore?

Ayele: No, just these.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ayele: What teacher in school made the most impact on you, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Tony Jamesandersson

Let’s Talk To Sono

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 146: Sono

DBM: Hi Sono. How would you describe yourself?

Sono: A gentle giant with a heart and conscience

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sono: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sono: My entire life has been shaped because of a choice I made. I married a woman who had strong financial values and goals. She was just a secretary when we first met; a secretary who sold ice cream, ice water and fruits as a side job. She baked meat pie and would supply a basic school next to her house before going to work. Barely a year of knowing her, I had rivetted to her habits. We had become teammates with similar values and goals on our finances. My father was reckless with money, and so I grew up seeing my mother always burdened, muffled and irritated. Unfortunately for me, I was almost ending up like my father until I met my wife.

DBM: How old were you when you met your wife?

Sono: 32

DBM: How old was she?

Sono: 25

DBM: How long have you been married?

Sono: 28 years this year

DBM: I see. Congratulations!

Sono: Thank you

DBM: How does your wife think in general?

Sono: Let me tell you the first question she asked me when I expressed interest in her, ‘What did your father teach you about money?’

DBM: For real?

Sono: Yes

DBM: What was your response?

Sono: The truth. I told her I had similar traits and she was like, ‘How much in debt do you owe?’

DBM: Lol!

Sono: She made me understand she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with a man with bad financial habits.

DBM: Hmmm! I kind of side with her

Sono: Why?

DBM: That is a woman who knows she deserve a good man. If you want a good woman, you ought to become the type of guy deserving of that good you seek in her. I wouldn’t be comfortable dating a partner who would come into my life to only compound my existing problems.

Sono: That was her attitude towards me

DBM: I like her. She’s good in Math?

Sono: No! My wife always says her financial goals are more behavioral and emotional than anything mathematics related.

DBM: I see

Sono: I’m teaching our sons how to save, budget and spend with caution

DBM: Why is that important?

Sono: As a man, you need to understand how these things work. Unfortunately, many guys with families are spending their entire lives working for money. Ask yourself, how many of these guys are getting ahead in life – even after the hustle?

DBM: Hmmm!

Sono: Thanks to my wife’s insistence, I know how to not worry about money

DBM: 28 years in marriage; rate your experience thus far

Sono: It’s been a journey I’ll choose to take all over again, in a heartbeat. I will choose my wife any day. It’s not been easy; we’ve had our share of problems but we’ve never talked bad about each other to a third party. I have friends who are always complaining in the negative about their spouses, and I realized anytime they did that, it indirectly minimized their spouse’ integrity to some extent in our eyes. That is not a state I would ever want to put the mother of my children. And as my wife would always say, it takes away from the one telling us stories about their spouse’s own character.

DBM: Indeed! How do you deal with disagreements?

Sono: We know we cannot always get along, so whenever there is a heated argument between us, we remind ourselves first, that because we fight doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. We address issues for what they are without blaming the other. I can’t even remember the last time we fought, that we ended up impugning the other’s character or flaws.

DBM: Do you believe love is worth pursuing?

Sono: Love is a good thing, in as much as the people doing the loving are the ones sometimes making relationships complicated. For me, I know what I like about my wife and what I like in my wife. She says I am the right man for her, and I believe she is the right woman for me. There is nothing to this effect. Even when I am mad at her, I know I am angry because I love her so much. I can’t explain what I mean by that but it is what it is. Even with our 28 years history, I cannot confidently say that I know our marriage will survive the long haul. There is no real issue hindering the success of our marriage. In fact, everything is close to perfect with our relationship but I’m still unable to know whether or not things will work out for our good. I don’t know if I will continue loving and choosing her forever, even though at the back of my head, I know I would. I cannot tell whether or not she is pleased with me as her husband. And, it’s okay. That is how love is supposed to be. I am not supposed to see through its fine lines. All I know is, my solid marriage has the capability of falling apart, and it’s my duty to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening to me. I am not comfortable with my happy situation; I’ve not become complacent whatsoever. I’m still putting in the work to achieve the ‘Till death do us part’ bit in my vow to her.

DBM: Is she approaching her marriage to you through this same lens?

Sono: Yes

DBM: Has one woman been enough for you?

Sono: My wife is the only woman I have known in every way since we married. One woman can make you feel alive if you allow her room to grow on you the way you desire to be loved. One woman is enough. We’re just a bunch of selfish, greedy and inconsiderate people coming up with all sorts of excuses to not be trustworthy. I would rather argue with my wife than sleep with another woman.

DBM: Participant 145, July, left a question for you: ‘Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?’

Sono: I read her question, and I remember smiling to myself. The nature of my relationship with my wife is such that, we are open and very honest about everything. When I find another woman attractive, she’s the first woman I tell. She’s found many guys attractive; two of my friends have flirted with her and I was the first to be told. We respect our commitment to the extent that, if we tell each other about something, anything, we don’t react poorly towards one other. Liking or finding other people attractive has never been an off-limits conversation to be had in our home. It’s not even about the friendship I’ve built with my wife. We have been able to do 28 years together because we are transparent with information and do not create a reason to doubt the other’s intention.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Sono: This is my question to one after me, what do you know or heard about David Bondze-Mbir, and why do you follow him on Facebook?

DBM: Really? Lol!

Sono: This is where you say, Thank you! 😁

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To July

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 145: July

DBM: Hello July. How would you describe yourself?

July: I exude confidence and will always speak in plain language

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

July: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

July: Trust

DBM: Okay!

July: I want to know what your opinion on trust is. My marriage lacks trust. My husband cannot be trusted, and I don’t feel comfortable believing his love for me

DBM: What has been your expectations of your husband?

July: I used to not have any. Now, I am constantly expecting the worst from him

DBM: Are you happy subjecting yourself to live this way?

July: No! It’s exhausting. It’s tiring. It’s stressful

DBM: What did your husband do?

July: Everything a man can do to destroy every last ounce of trust a woman has for her man

DBM: I’m sorry about that

July: It’s not your fault. I blame myself for believing he’s a good man

DBM: Has he ever been good to you?

July: Yes

DBM: Has he ever been true to you?

July: Yes

DBM: You used to trust in him, no?

July: I did, till he gave me a reason not to

DBM: How long have you been married?

July: Nine years

DBM: You have kids?

July: I do

DBM: What made you fall in love with him?

July: Right now, it’s hard for me to put the love I used to have for him into words

DBM: Why is that?

July: I don’t know why

DBM: What about your husband did you used to find attractive?

July: His patience. Confidence. His cynical sense of humor. He is/was the kindest man I knew. His opinions are loud and different. He is intelligent. An excellent father to our children.

DBM: How was he as a husband?

July: He was a good husband; he was always there when I needed him

DBM: Do you believe he loves you?

July: I used to, but I don’t anymore

DBM: Okay!

July: How do you understand trust?

DBM: I understand it in different ways

July: Which is the first?

DBM: I’m holding a glass and I let it fall. It breaks and cannot be patched to its original state or form

July: Trust is broken in this scenario

DBM: Exactly.

July: So, what do you do?

DBM: There are options: I can choose not to sweat over one broken glass

July: What if it’s a glass that meant something to me?

DBM: You can choose to gather the broken pieces to make an art design for your home.

July: What is your second understanding of it?

DBM: My phone falling on the ground and cracking its screen. That thin one-line crack

July: I have one on my phone

DBM: How did it come about?

July: My children were playing with it

DBM: Have you thrown the phone away?

July: No, it’s not totally damaged

DBM: You still can use it

July: I use it

DBM: You see everything on the screen?

July: I do

DBM: A man betraying your trust in him can also represent that same thin, one-line crack on your phone. It never means the phone is damaged. It doesn’t mean you should throw your phone away, knowing very well it’s usable.

July: What if the crack wasn’t a thin line, but a full screen crack to destroy the phone’s beauty and originality?

DBM: You have changed your phone’s screen before, no?

July: I used to. Now, I buy new phones when my screen is totally cracked. I throw the damaged one in the garbage

DBM: That is understandable, but you can equally get it fixed

July: Yeah

DBM: Somewhere, deep down inside, of every man is that spark to do right by people

July: Hmmm!

DBM: Again, the fact that you can get the broken phone screen fixed doesn’t necessarily mean you have to keep it in your life

July: It is nearly impossible for me to trust my husband. I don’t know if I can get back that glue that kept the bond intact.

DBM: What’s your fear now?

July: Giving him a second chance only to be hurt by him again

DBM: Have you ever made a mistake before?

July: Dave, a mistake would be having too many drinks at a friend’s party and waking up next to a naked man, lying next to my naked body. I can argue on the grounds of a mistake, if I cannot recall parts of the night out.

DBM: Agreed

July: He had the perfect opportunity to weigh up the option of him honoring a wife that loved him, and having an affair. He made a decision to choose one of his options. If you claim to love and care about me, you will not do something to hurt me

DBM: I concur

July: I don’t know what to do

DBM: You can forgive him

July: And then what?

DBM: Believe that he is capable of doing right by you

July: Is that the only option?

DBM: You can go your separate ways, still with love and forgiveness in your heart for him. There is beauty in walking away with grace and dignity.

July: Thank you for making time to chat with me.

DBM: You’re welcome! Participant 144, Alistair, left a question for you: ‘If you could choose and have any man or woman in the world as your husband or wife, who would be your definite ‘hell yes,’ and why?’

July: Barack Hussein Obama II. He once said, he knows very well that at every corner, there is a lady more beautiful than his wife, but there is something about Michelle Robinson Obama that is beyond beautiful. Michelle was, and is his final choice to commit to intimately because she gives him the most satisfaction. He does not love her in this manner because they’re married, but because Michelle, as a woman, makes for a great choice.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

July: Which is ideal: asking for permission to cheat, or asking for forgiveness after being caught cheating?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Let’s Talk To Alistair

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 144: Alistair

DBM: Hi. How would you describe yourself?

Alistair: I have figured out who I am. I know what I feel and I understand how I feel about my feelings.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Alistair: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Alistair: I am in love with an older woman. The age-gap is 19. I am in my mid-thirties. I am established, and so is she. She’s a widow and had been without a man for three years. She has four children. Her last child is in High School. She knows what she wants and has made me understand she’s interested in me too.

DBM: What are you looking for in this relationship?

Alistair: Everything she’s been offering me; sureness in attitudes is one. She’s a nurturer whenever she spots the cracks in my armor showing. She acknowledges my effort when I step up for her or her children. I love her random caresses and how we emotionally connect. She approves of me as her man and respects what I do for a living. She gives me space to recoup and stay in touch with myself; she builds my trust in her with every decision she makes. She’s fun to be with and does not take herself too seriously. She makes me feel loved through her actions, and I feel I can count on her. There is respect for one other. She reminds me daily, how good a man I am. She’s the kind of woman I want to settle down with, because her energy reflects on me positively. And it builds my self-esteem and self-confidence. Marrying her can be the opportunity to provide and protect her and her children.

DBM: Do you mind me asking her age?

Alistair: 55 but she doesn’t look her age

DBM: I see. What does a 55-year-old woman look like?

Alistair: Lol!

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Alistair: I’m a data scientist

DBM: How about her?

Alistair: She’s a Physician

DBM: Ideally, how would you want your relationship with her to progress?

Alistair: Into marriage. I want to start a family with her

DBM: You have kids of your own?

Alistair: No

DBM: Quality or quantity?

Alistair: I don’t understand

DBM: Which of the two would you go for?

Alistair: It depends

DBM: On what?

Alistair: The circumstances surrounding the question

DBM: Okay! Sex

Alistair: Quality and quantity

DBM: Time spent together

Alistair: Quality and quantity

DBM: But you know with her age, and being a mother and career woman, her schedule might be demanding?

Alistair: I know. I am considerate of her time

DBM: You understand she may not just be able to make plans on a whim just to be with you all the time?

Alistair: I know

DBM: Are you comfortable around her?

Alistair: I am always myself around her

DBM: The age-gap doesn’t bother you at all?

Alistair: I don’t think it does

DBM: Have you been in a relationship with a woman with children before?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: So, you have experience being around children?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: Grown children?

Alistair: No, not grown kids

DBM: How much time and involvement do you have with her children?

Alistair: We are not that close

DBM: But they know about you?

Alistair: Two of her children know I’m their mother’s friend

DBM: Their mother’s what type of friend?

Alistair: They don’t know much. I don’t want to be close to them this quickly

DBM: How long have you been dating your woman?

Alistair: Almost two years

DBM: Do you want to have kids of your own someday in the future?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: Does she want to have additional children herself?

Alistair: She does not

DBM: But she knows you want kids?

Alistair: She does but I’ve made it also sound as if I wouldn’t mind if I don’t have children of my own

DBM: Is having children of your own something you really want?

Alistair: Yes

DBM: So, why aren’t you being upfront about it with her?

Alistair: I don’t want it to become the tickling clock nagging our relationship

DBM: What makes you think the subject of children, can become an issue?

Alistair: She wouldn’t want to hold me back if I am to be serious about having my own kids. What we share is more important than my little desire

DBM: Wanting a child or creating a family of your own is not a little desire.

Alistair: I know

DBM: Are you open and honest with her?

Alistair: Not always, but I am sincere 85% of the time

DBM: What makes her stand out and not blend in?

Alistair: Oh, Efua is smart; I mean, very intelligent. She’s funny as hell. Very kind and giving. Overall, an astounding woman.

DBM: Had you always been attracted to older women?

Alistair: No. It just happened and so far, has been my best relationship yet. The age difference isn’t my problem. My only concern is how our families would accept us

DBM: How did you meet?

Alistair: We met at a party. I never would have known she was way older than me – if she hadn’t put that information across.

DBM: Participant 143, Oz, left a question for you: ‘What are you looking forward to the most in your old age?’

Alistair: I look forward to a full life and not dying soon in my old age. I look forward to the memories from all the good and bad experiences life could have offered me. I look forward to having a broader perspective on life and the joys to it. I look forward to exploring more of whatever I wish.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Alistair: If you could choose and have any man or woman in the world as your husband or wife, who would be your definite ‘hell yes,’ and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: August-de-Richelieu

Let’s Talk To Wafaa and Oz

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 143a: Wafaa

Participant 143b: I want to go by Oz

DBM: Hello Wafaa and Oz. How would you describe yourselves?

Wafaa: Not my happy self

Oz: Husband and father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Oz: 5

Wafaa: 3

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Wafaa: I’ve asked my husband for a divorce but he’s not for it. My lawyer says I cannot unilaterally divorce him unless he grants me his consent for the divorce.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wafaa: We were 10 years in May

DBM: Sir, is this an out of the blue request from your wife?

Oz: No, I sensed it coming

DBM: How long ago?

Oz: About three years

DBM: Why do you want a divorce?

Wafaa: I think we’re both done with each other. Our marriage has been over since 2018. We don’t hate each other. We are actually good friends and will be wonderful co-parents.

DBM: Why don’t you want a divorce?

Oz: I have been suggesting we rather stay separated than divorced, at least, until our children are of age and leave home.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Wafaa: Two

Oz: 5- and 7-year-olds

DBM: Separation is ideal, no?

Wafaa: Separation will feel like I am still settled in the marriage. I want to be totally single so I can date someone nice. My husband is attracted to me. I don’t want to give him any false hope.

DBM: Are you attracted to your wife?

Oz: Yes

DBM: Do you find your husband attractive?

Wafaa: He’s a fine man by all standards but no, I am not attracted to him in that way anymore

DBM: What kind of relationship are you hoping to pursue after your divorce?

Wafaa: A man I can be passionate about in every other way outside settling

DBM: As in, marriage?

Wafaa: Yes, and the whole living together thing. I want a relationship whereby we can meet up and have fun, and then go to our respective homes.

Oz: You can have that with me – if that’s what you’re looking for?

Wafaa: I am not in love with you anymore

DBM: How did it get to this?

Wafaa: It just happened. 10 years of trying. We’ve done our best.

DBM: What if your best combined is still not enough?

Wafaa: That’s the reason I want a divorce. Enough is enough! Dave, it came to a time at the mere sight of him, I wanted to report to work indefinitely on a weekend. And, I don’t go to work on weekends.

DBM: Was there a specific rough patch that happened in your marriage or there has been a persistent problem not dealt with?

Oz: I know we are cool and relate well. I don’t hate my wife

Wafaa: I don’t hate my husband

DBM: Is there respect in your relationship?

Wafaa: I respect my husband

Oz: I respect her

DBM: Are you able to freely talk about difficult issues in the marriage?

Oz: Yes

Wafaa: We talk about everything

DBM: So, what is making you want out of your marriage?

Wafaa: The love is no more

DBM: And is love alone what you believe can help you stick to your husband?

Wafaa: No

DBM: Prior to 2018, what had been sustaining your marriage?

Wafaa: Self-control, my commitment to him and emotional maturity

DBM: Is your husband the type willing to make an effort at your relationship?

Wafaa: Yes

DBM: How do you understand love?

Wafaa: How do you also understand love?

DBM: Hmmm!

Oz: Dave

DBM: Yeah

Oz: How old are you?

DBM: 38, you?

Oz: 45

DBM: How old is your wife?

Oz: 42

Wafaa: I will be 43 years in September

Oz: Are you in a relationship?

DBM: I am

Oz: For how long?

DBM: Some years now

Wafaa: Why are you asking the young man personal questions?

Oz: I want to know what is making his relationship work. Are you always in love in your relationship?

DBM: No

Oz: What do you do when the love is no more?

DBM: I’ve realized that as a human being, I can fall in love with anyone, and it will take me no real effort to catch such feelings. I cherish what I have with my partner, reason why my relationship isn’t being built on what we feel or felt for each other. It’s taken us more than just love to stay interested in one another. When love is present to you when you need it the most, it’s expedient and saccharine to want to fall on just that.

Oz: Truth

DBM: When my love for my love is no more, it becomes my responsibility to make what we share meaningful to me in other ways. It’s never the responsibility of love to make me fall in love with love. Love is not all about what I feel for someone. You asked what love means to me; love is not about being in a relationship that loves me back. Love is not about being with someone, and then waiting for that magical feeling to happen to me to make things look perfect. It’s work, intentional communication and the both of us putting in the effort.

Wafaa: But I want more. Is it wrong to want more

Oz: ‘More’ meaning?

Wafaa: More than you. More than you can offer me at the moment

DBM: Do think you can find all that ‘more’ in one person?

Wafaa: No

Oz: Yes

DBM: Sir, is your wife the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Oz: No

Wafaa: No? Who else have you been with?

Oz: It’s all in the past.

Wafaa: No! This is news to me. You’ve been with other women?

Oz: I made bad decisions and learned from them

Wafaa: How many women have you been with?

Oz: Let’s not do this here, please

Wafaa: Oh wow! You’ve been cheating all this while?

Oz: I’m sorry

Wafaa: You’re sorry? Which people did you have the affairs with?

Oz: I don’t want to talk about this here

Wafaa: How long did it last?

Oz: It happened in the past

Wafaa: When?

Oz: It’s past

Wafaa: Where did it take place?

Oz: We’re not doing this here

Wafaa: Did you love them?

Oz: No!

Wafaa: And here I was cherishing the promise of fidelity. Men will stain your white

Oz: I’m sorry it happened but it’s over

Wafaa: I don’t give a fuck

DBM: Committing to one person is not an easy thing to do, especially when there are extremely beautiful and handsome, sexy and intelligent other people out there seeking our attention and grace. Some of us have had to develop ourselves emotionally to be able to stick to/with just the one we believe we can be content with.

Wafaa: I used to think like that too. Anyway, as I said before, I AM DONE

DBM: Participant 142, Uriel, left a question for you: ‘If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?’

Oz: I cheated on my wife

Wafaa: I cannot see myself riding through this wave of mixed feelings with the little confidence left in me. I do not love my husband anymore. I want a divorce

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Wafaa: I’m out of here

Oz: What are you looking forward to the most in your old age?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Bolarinwa Olasunkanmi

Let’s Talk To Uriel

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 142: My name is Uriel

DBM: Hi Uriel. How would you describe yourself?

Uriel: I feel as if I can’t think clearly, and having a hard time deciding on something important

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uriel: Six

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uriel: I have a girlfriend. I also have a wife. I love them equally. I found out the girlfriend is dating another man who is married. I’ve been doing everything to make her life comfortable so I feel cheated. How do I get over the hurt?

DBM: Describe your hurt

Uriel: It’s a roller-coaster of emotions. I still don’t understand why she’s seeing another man. I take care of her needs. Now, looking back, I remember the number of times she had to turn her phone over because of a text message she didn’t want me to see. The number of times she put her phone on silence; the different times she cancelled on me and didn’t want me to come over. Everything is adding up now

DBM:  How long have you known her?

Uriel: A bit over two years.

DBM: What do you know about the other guy?

Uriel: Not much. But I know he’s also rented a different apartment for her

DBM: How did you find out about the other guy?

Uriel: Her friend told me. I know where she meets him too

DBM: Have you seen them together?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Have you questioned her?

Uriel: I have

DBM: What is her reason for entertaining the two of you?

Uriel: She says we bring different things to her life

DBM: What do you bring to her life?

Uriel: She says I give her good sex and make her feel important

DBM: The other guy brings what?

Uriel: Quality time and attention. She also says he’s generous towards her

DBM: Generous in which sense?

Uriel: With money

DBM: Are you kind to her?

Uriel: In every way imaginable

DBM: I see

Uriel: I still remain a fool for her love

DBM: Even after finding out you’re not her only guy?

Uriel: I guess the wool has yet to wear away before my eyes because I’m in love

DBM: What you share with this other lady isn’t just physical; you have actual feelings for her?

Uriel: I do

DBM: Do you use condom with her?

Uriel: Why would I use protection?

DBM: To demonstrate a sense cautiousness

Uriel: We’re clean, in the safe-zone

DBM: Are you concerned about the health and wellbeing of your wife?

Uriel: I am

DBM: Are you comfortable talking about your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: How would you describe her?

Uriel: She’s great in her own small way but I’ve realized one good woman is not enough

DBM: For you, you mean?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What influenced your decision to be with the other lady?

Uriel: I felt neglected by my wife

DBM: How so?

Uriel: I think she stopped finding me attractive along the line. Also, she’s a workaholic; comes home tired and the children take her remaining time. I haven’t been number one on her list of priorities since we had our first child. The other girl made me feel special and important

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Uriel: Three

DBM: All with your wife?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: The other lady has any children?

Uriel: No

DBM: She works?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: What else influenced your decision?

Uriel: She sings my praises in and after bed

DBM: During and after sex, you mean?

Uriel: Yes.

DBM: This remark is in reference to the other lady, no?

Uriel: Yes. The sexual routine I had with my wife changed inexplicably. She was coming up with one excuse after the other.

DBM: What could have been the real issue?

Uriel: I don’t know

DBM: Is she happy being married to you?

Uriel: Yes

DBM: Does your wife know about this other woman?

Uriel: Not yet

DBM: What is the reason behind your inability to talk to your wife about your concerns, and or feelings?

Uriel: She’s dealing with a lot

DBM: Meaning?

Uriel: Work, family, school, etc.

DBM: So, her inability to make her life all about you isn’t intentional?

Uriel: No

DBM: I am asking this question as someone in your wife’s shoes. ‘Why couldn’t you communicate these issues with me first before resorting to cheating?’

Uriel: I didn’t want to come across as selfish

DBM: An affair can be easier to forgive if your wife at least, knows you are making attempts to prevent infecting her with a disease or getting the other woman pregnant.

Uriel: I am being careful

DBM: And in the process making your situation worse, no?

Uriel: I don’t think so.

DBM: Are you willing to work on your marriage to make it what you want it to be?

Uriel: I’m trying

DBM: Is the affair something you want to end?

Uriel: Not ready to end it yet.

DBM: Participant 141, Pike, left a question for you: ‘Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?’

Uriel: I keep my enemies in arms-length yet close, so I wouldn’t be paranoid about how they think and operate.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Uriel: If you could trust the fact that I wouldn’t judge you, what would be the one secret you would want to tell me?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Pike

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 141: Pike

DBM: Hello Pike. How would you describe yourself?

Pike: Married, father, and a banker

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pike: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pike: My wife’s close friends hate my guts. They didn’t like me before and after marrying their friend. I tried influencing her association with them for some time but she’s back in their circle again.

DBM: Why don’t you like them?

Pike: They’re toxic and immature, even though she says they have always had her back.

DBM: What does your wife make of your circle of friends?

Pike: She has no problem with my friends

DBM: She knows all of your friends?

Pike: No

DBM: She approves of all of your friends?

Pike: She doesn’t get to do that. Also, my friends positively impact my life

DBM: What are your expectations of her friendship with her girlfriends?

Pike: I have none. I just don’t want them around her. My wife has a good heart, but her friends are problematic – in my opinion.

DBM: Why do you think they also do not see eye-to-eye with you?

Pike: Because I speak the truth, and they are jealous of my wife

DBM: Jealous, how?

Pike: They want what she has

DBM: As in, you?

Pike: And everything else I bring to the table

DBM: How is it possible for someone to not like you, but want you at the same time?

Pike: It happens

DBM: What’s on the table at the moment?

Pike: Comfortable living, two homes, cars, financial security, beautiful marriage, etc.

DBM: You’re the full package, I guess?

Pike: I try

DBM: Have you tried seeing things from their perspective?

Pike: They don’t have a clear perspective

DBM: But you do of them?

Pike: I’ve dealt with such people before.

DBM: The people you’ve dealt with aren’t them

Pike: I know, but if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

DBM: Is it possible that you may simply be misunderstanding their thought processes?

Pike: Dave, these are very loud, vile and unmarried girls

DBM: How about the possibility of you seeing them in a negative light, simply because you may unconsciously be feeling insecure about your relationship with your wife?

Pike: That’s not the case, unfortunately. I just know they’re not good people

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves their company?

Pike: I don’t know Dave. I don’t know what she sees in them

DBM: How long have they known each other?

Pike: Since they were in school, I think.

DBM: On the average, is she choosing her friends over you?

Pike: No

DBM: Does she seem to care about your concerns about them?

Pike: I’ve told her

DBM: And?

Pike: She still keeps in touch with them.

DBM: What kind of compromise are you expecting of her to make?

Pike: I want her to simply end that friendship

DBM: What boundaries have you set thus far?

Pike: They’re not allowed to step foot in my house. Dave, these are ladies I don’t like

DBM: For reasons best known to you, no?

Pike: For reasons everyone knows; they are rude, and overall, bad influence on my wife. They date married men and make it seem cool.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pike: 11 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Pike: That’s a personal question. I choose not to answer

DBM: Have you tried engaging them to know what their individual interests are, or even just to endure them firsthand?

Pike: No

DBM: What then is the basis of your understanding of who they are?

Pike: I’ve heard the kinds of conversations they have with my wife. She’s usually on phone with them on loud speaker. I have also read some of their WhatsApp conversations

DBM: Your wife made you read them?

Pike: No

DBM: Why do you have and keep your circle of friends?

Pike: You already asked this question

DBM: I have?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Oh, okay! But what answer did you give to the question?

Pike: They a good influence on me, and I can trust them

DBM: What are your unique qualities?

Pike: I’m mature, kind, supportive, intelligent, passionate, hardworking, ambitious, friendly, thoughtful, reliable, caring and confident

DBM: The confident people I have ever come across do not seek to bring others down. They’re rather too busy working on their own territories. They’re also naturally, very open-minded and will tolerate whomever and their way of being. Nothing you do reflects or projects on them negatively. Do you see your wife to be confident?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Do you trust the mother of your children?

Pike: I do

DBM: Participant 140, Zoey, left a question for you: ‘What would you think if your woman spent more time on his looks than on you?’

Pike: It will bother me. I like some attention on me too. It’s a way to show how much my wife loves me. I love my wife very much, and so I find ways to show how much she means to me. One of the simplest ways I express this – is by paying attention to her and her needs.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pike: Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To Zoey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 140: My name is Zoey

DBM: Hi Zoey. How would you describe yourself?

Zoey: African woman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zoey: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zoey: I am still finding it difficult to understand why in this day and age, it is a woman who has it so hard. I am dealing with my periods – the hormonal rise and fall, which influences numerous physical sensations and emotional shifts, which I experience for days before and after menstruation. The mood swings, those of us who bloat, get depressed, the fatigue, breast tenderness and the headaches – which sometimes would disrupt our daily routine. Dave, menstrual cramps sucks. I am always miserable during my period. Let me not even talk about pregnancy; the woman is feeling sick, tired and moody, and what is her husband thinking about? When he can have sex with you. I acknowledge that men go through their own struggles but sometimes, you guys are the reason why our marriages become overwhelming. My husband thinks I am not excited about him, but the truth is, I sometimes feel like I am dealing with everything on my own in this marriage, and this makes me feel isolated and resentful.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Zoey: Eight years, Dave. We have two kids

DBM: I see

Zoey: Society and men, indirectly put unrealistic expectations on how a woman should look like. Girls have to look pretty; such stereotype. Can you imagine my boss, a man, once walked to my office to suggest to me to wear ‘a little bit of make-up’? My husband had said same years back. Putting on make-up is too much work for me; it steals my time and it’s tiring to say the least. Why should I have stuff on my face before I am seen to be beautiful? Or in my boss’s words, ‘presentable to potential clients’. I mean, why?

DBM: It’s not down to your boss or husband to dictate your enhancing routine. It’s down to you

Zoey: I know, and I told my husband and boss the same thing, it’s my face. The same way I have no input on their decisions to build their bodies in the gym or ‘dress to kill’, I am in no way decorating my face to satisfy their curiosity.

DBM: Hmmm!

Zoey: Also, my husband thinks I don’t like having sex with him. Look, I respect the fact that his sexual desire is stronger than mine. With this knowledge in the backdrop, he’s supposed to SATISFY me during sex, so I can fall on the pleasure he brings me during sex – to increase my yearning for more. But no, man only wants to pound and last for 15 minutes or less, cum and then, sleep.

DBM: What feedback do you give him after sex?

Zoey: I tell him what he wants to hear

DBM: Like?

Zoey: Anything to make him feel he’s good in bed

DBM: And, is the ‘anything’ in this context the truth?

Zoey: No!

DBM: So, you’re the one enabling his mediocre performance

Zoey: I am not. A man is supposed to know what he’s supposed to do to make his woman feel fulfilled

DBM: But as a man, I would have preferred my partner rather being vocal and honest with me about how they truly feel during sex. How difficult is it for you to lovingly suggest what makes you happy or needs changing during intercourse?

Zoey: Men don’t listen

DBM: We do listen

Zoey: Not my husband.

DBM: Have you showed him how to please you? Because a real man, and husband would have a listening ear, and his aim would be only to please you. When it comes to sex, men work hard with the intention of pleasing. Because in our minds, if you’re satisfied, we will get the opportunity to repeat history all over again with you.

Zoey: Hmmm!

DBM: Your silence has consequences. The gaps he’s unable to fill also have its own consequences.

Zoey: I agree

DBM: Participant 139, Emmett, left a question for you: ‘Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?’

Zoey: No

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Zoey: What would you think if your man spent more time on his looks than on you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Heyy Kazz

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